#there's no good girl there. there's an unapologetic wild storm and we love her for it

[youdontjustgiveup]

[maria-scribbles]

loyalty’s all i got | part one

summary: three years ago, you had it all: great friends, good grades, and an almost perfect relationship with your boyfriend, jj. it all came crashing down when your mom relocated your family to california for work and you were forced to trade the outer banks for malibu, leaving your broken heart behind in the place you were just starting to think of as home. now you're back in town for college and to pick up the pieces, hoping to make things right again with your friends and the boy you never stopped loving.

word count: 8.9k+ i'm legit incapable of writing something short 😅

ship: jj maybank x female!reader, pogue friendship

warnings: mentions of child abuse, non-graphic injuries, weed, swearing, underage drinking, learning to be vulnerable, trust issues, first love, jj getting the love and affection he deserves, underage sex (nothing too descriptive but it gets a lil spicy, just fyi), teenage heartbreak, failed long distance relationship, angst with a happy ending, references to some taylor swift songs 'cause she's a queen.

a/n: got a lil plot bunny that wouldn't leave me alone so here we are lol. title and inspiration for this fic comes from train's song "rescue dog" that gave me 'jj x reader where they're both damaged goods' vibes the second i heard it. this is semi canon-compliant as the treasure hunt never happened but big john is still alive and kie and sarah still work out their issues and become friends again. i used the names daisy, daniel, deke, and mack as a tribute to agents of shield, one of my favorite shows that had just had its series finale (and i'm still an emotional mess). enjoy and keep an eye out for part two, coming soon!

~masterlist~

part one: when our love was young and easy

For you, having a traveling nurse as a mom was both a blessing and a curse. When you were a kid, you loved bouncing around the country to a new town every so often and finding new places to explore with your rebellious big sister. Back then, she was all you needed to be happy: you'd go anywhere and everywhere as long as Daisy, your best friend, was by your side. 

As you both grew older and started school, you slowly realized that packing up your life every few years sucked. Yeah, seeing new places was cool and all but the novelty wore off fast when you found yourself making friends with your classmates, kids who weren't your sister for once, only to lose touch whenever you moved again. You felt like a ghost, haunting a new school for a while and then leaving behind nothing but a memory, one that gradually faded over time until it was gone, as if you never existed at all. You wondered if anyone actually remembered you. 

It was hard. You gradually became more sullen and withdrawn, finding it more and more difficult to make friends when you knew they wouldn't last, while Daisy acted out even worse than usual and ended up being grounded almost every week. It took her getting arrested while graffitiing the school gym on New Year's Eve for your father - a bit clueless about being a stay-at-home dad to two girls but he tried his best- to put his foot down and tell his wife enough was enough. 

"Our kids need stability, Rebekah. They need a chance to make real friends and stay in one place for longer than two or three years. They need a home."

Thankfully by some miracle, your mother agreed and promised the next move would be the last until you graduated high school. You wanted to believe her so badly but you weren't sure if you could as you packed up your life once again and headed down south from Rhode Island.

That's how you ended up in the Outer Banks of North Carolina, finishing eighth grade at some fancy ass academy that you weren't sure your parents could afford. Daisy, a sophomore, seemed to have no problem fitting in on the north side of the island when she landed a job as a lifeguard at the country club and made fast friends with the rich kids that frequented the pool. It stung a bit when she eventually started ditching you for them (and some older boy named Kelce; you knew she'd snag a boyfriend eventually but you didn't realize it'd be so fast and with someone so...douchey) but you tried not to let it bother you too much, as you were okay getting by on your own and honest-to-God happy for your sister. Making friends was a scary thought when you remembered all the kids you've had to leave behind over the years, all the friendships that crumbled into dust in the wind so you tried to stay at arm's length from your classmates and told yourself you were just fine the way you were. 

The loneliness was hard to ignore though, and you soon found yourself slowly, reluctantly becoming friends with a girl named Kiara that sat beside you in algebra after she helped you cram for a test you completely forgot about, even as warning bells rang loud in your mind. It wasn't long before you started sitting with her and her friend Sarah at lunch, which led to being invited to the beach and the movies and sleepovers and just like that, you remembered what friendship felt like. For the first time, you felt like a normal teenager with a best friend that wasn't your sister and although you liked Sarah, Kiara was the one you were closest to, especially when you found out she hated the kook academy as much as you did.

"Fuck it," She said at one of your sleepovers, sitting on the floor at the end of your bed and rifling through your box of movies. "I'm done with acting like something I'm not, I'm done with being fake, and I'm done with rich kid politics." She tossed Legally Blonde in your direction and then joined you in leaning against the headboard as you slipped the DVD into your laptop.

"Yeah, this whole kook thing kind of sucks." You replied, tapping through the previews to the main menu. "That's why I don't give a shit."

"And that's why I'm so happy you're my friend, Y/N," Kiara said. "You're just yourself and don't try to change for anybody. It's cool."

Cursor hovering over the play button, you paused and glanced over at the other girl. "I'm happy you're my friend, too. I...I only really had my sister growing up so just...thanks, I guess. For being here."

Kiara pulled you into a fierce hug after your impromptu confession and you hugged her back, understanding for the first time what true friendship looked like. 

More kids get added to your posse -three boys named John B, JJ, and Pope- after a catastrophic falling out with Sarah over her fiasco of a birthday party and from the very first time you met them, you realized the south side of the island was where you belonged. The pogues were unabashedly, unapologetically real and you felt the freest you'd ever been when you were hanging out with them and from the way Kiara seemed so much happier, you knew she felt the same way. Those kooks and their status quo could suck it.

You vowed you wouldn't let yourself get too attached to your new friends (cohorts, as your dad jokingly called them), lest you get your heart broken when your mom inevitably moved on to the next job in a year or two; despite her promise, you just had a feeling that it wouldn't last and wished you weren't always waiting for that other shoe to drop. You didn't plan on them becoming your second family and you definitely didn't plan on falling in love for the first time, but life always found new ways to surprise you. 

You were fourteen when you started to notice that one of your friends was cute as fuck. To be honest, you thought all of your friends were pretty cute but there was something about JJ that made you flustered beyond belief every time he crossed your mind. You found yourself more than a little fixated on his golden hair, his bright blue eyes, and the way you always felt at your happiest when he was around; he lived like a wild, out of control hurricane and you wanted to get swept up in the eye of his storm, despite your brain telling you not to.

You never had crushes before, always too busy anticipating worrying about your family's next move to really look at anyone like that but you were definitely looking now while you tried to balance on JJ's surfboard in the gently bobbing waves, your trembling hands planted firmly on his -bare, tan, strong- shoulders as he held it steady.

"Lookin' good, Y/N," He looked up at you with a proud grin before glancing back down at your stance. "Just bend your knees a little more and you'll be perfect."

His praise, along with his calloused palms carefully adjusting your legs made your face feel hot and you shifted on the board to correct your balance, slowly raising your arms until you were standing, albeit a little wobbly, mostly on your own. 

"Holy shit!" You yelled, the smile on your face growing more ecstatic at the encouraging cheers of your friends as they watched from the beach twenty feet away. "I'm doing it! I'm actually doing it!"

"Almost," JJ gave you another one of his killer smiles, the ones that you quickly found out made breathing normally quite the challenge, then let go of your knees to give the board a solid push forward. "Now you are!"

Frantically, you recalled everything he taught you that afternoon and managed to make it halfway to shore before you lost your balance and fell into the surf with a giddy laugh. "Guess I need a little more practice," You giggled as he splashed his way over and offered you a hand, a teasing glint in his blue eyes. 

"Just a little?"

You flicked some water at him for that and your laugh grew when he wrapped you up in his arms and spun you around before flinging you both into the waves. The others immediately ran to join you and an all out war broke out, everyone splashing each other with no holds barred.  

When he casually suggested giving you another lesson the next day as you all laid on the sand to catch your breath, you were unable to say no and the soft, dimpled smile on his face made your heart skip a beat in a way you'd never felt before. For the first time, you told the warning bells in your head to just shut the fuck up and allowed yourself to think about the future, to dream about what you could become and where you could be in two, five, even ten years. You let yourself have hope.

The next morning, you put on your favorite bikini -the green high waisted one that made your butt look good- and caught a ride with Daisy and Kelce to the beach, ignoring the teasing looks and jabs your sister sent your way and the sly smirk on her boyfriend's face. 

"Hey, Juliet, looks like your Romeo's already waiting for you." 

You rolled your eyes and hopped out of Kelce's Range Rover, flipping them both the bird behind your back without a second glance. As they drove away, their laughter followed you to where JJ was indeed waiting by the walkway to the shore, surfboard under his arm, and his face broke out into a wide grin when he laid eyes on you, one that you couldn't help returning.

"Sorry I'm late, my sister was being a bitch."

He laughed at that and reached out to take your hand, sending warm tingles through your whole body. "I was kinda worried you forgot about me, Y/N."

In a sudden burst of courage you didn't know you had, you laced your fingers with his and started pulling him toward the water as you sent him a wink over your shoulder. "I would never."

You started your lesson on the sand, reviewing how to stand up and balance on the board, before moving to the ocean. You catch your first waves on your stomach to get used to the movement and when you get comfortable with that you move to your knees and then your feet; each time JJ was there to catch you when you inevitably bit it, hugging you close to his bare chest and speaking enthusiastic words of encouragement in your ear, and with every passing try you became more and more confident until you finally nailed a small wave from beginning to end without falling on your ass. 

"I did it!" In a flash, you jumped off the board and into his arms, your mouth curving into a joyful grin when he spun you in circles like yesterday with your own arms locked tight around his neck.

"Hell yeah you did!" The proud smile on his face made your stomach do a little flip and so did the way he held you close, his hands hooked under your thighs. "You're gonna be a pro in no time."

"Well," You said, twirling your fingers in the fine blond hair at his nape and hoping you didn't just imagine the shiver that ran down his spine. "I do have a great teacher."

His pretty blue eyes locked onto yours and you couldn't look away even if you wanted to (which you absolutely didn't). You'd been reading about moments like that ever since you were a kid, alone in your room with nothing better to do than drown yourself in overly sappy fanfiction until 2 AM, so you knew all about the magnetism, the butterflies, the invisible string tying two lovers together by fate, but it was just a fantasy, a pipe dream, something to yearn for when the loneliness became too much. Never in a million years did you imagine you would ever feel like that.

And yet you did. You felt it in your whole body, coursing through your veins like liquid fire, and when JJ started to lean in, you didn't hesitate to meet him halfway. It wasn't your first kiss -that happened two years ago when you were still living in Rhode Island, during a rare party you actually got invited to and with a pretty girl in your class- but it was the first that set every single one of your nerves alight. He held you tighter against him as your hands moved to cup his face, letting him deepen the kiss with a tilt of his head and the soft swipe of his tongue against your lips. You never thought you'd find yourself in the middle of a make out session in broad daylight and in full view of everyone on the beach but there you were, not giving a single shit about who was watching. All you cared about was memorizing every detail about the way he kissed you, the feel of his mouth on yours and the heat of his palms against your thighs, the rough touch of drying saltwater on his skin under your thumbs and that little noise he made low in his throat when you wrapped your legs tighter around his waist. You could've kissed him for hours (holy shit did you want to do that) and never run out of new idiosyncrasies to notice.

You pulled back some glorious time later with a breathless smile and swollen lips, heart racing against your ribcage and forehead pressed to JJ's as he smiled back, an endearing pink flushed across his face. 

"I've wanted to do that for a while." His quiet admission made the butterflies in your stomach go haywire and you leaned down to kiss him once again, no longer able to deny yourself the happiness you longed for for years now that you'd had a taste; he returned the kiss and you laughed against his mouth as he spun you around before gently setting you on your feet in the surf, his forgotten board -thankfully still tethered to your ankle- bumping into your legs with every wave.

"Me, too." 

"Good." He shot you a smile that make you weak in the knees and tucked a wayward strand of hair behind your ear, then it was his turn to lean down to press his lips to yours.

After that day, life was practically a dream. You had the greatest friends you could've asked for, your family was the happiest you'd ever seen them, and you had a boyfriend. A loyal, affectionate, chaotic boyfriend who somehow managed to keep you on your toes while being your guiding light all at once and you wondered how you got so lucky that a boy as wonderful as JJ wanted little old you, with all of your insecurities and shattered edges and tendencies to push people away when they got too close.

You told him that one day as you laid together on your bed, sharing lazy kisses in the warm late-summer sun streaming in through your window while Fleetwood Mac played quietly from your phone resting on the nightstand. Fall was in the air and with it came cool breezes and that nagging fear in the back of your mind that screamed none of it would last. It was the first time you cried in front of him -in front of anyone other than your sister- and he held you tight to his chest, hand running soothingly over your back as you let everything out in one massive, embarrassing flood of years of pent-up emotions. 

Another thing your boyfriend was good at, you found out, was comfort. He didn't say anything as he hugged you close but he didn't need to, the fact that he was simply there and listening was all you needed from him. You spent your whole life living in the shadows until then, when he made you feel seen, heard, and important, validated, all without saying a single word and after your tears had run dry and you pulled your face away from his damp shirt, you killed that urge to flee and buried it so deep you hoped you'd never find it again. 

That day, you poured out your heart for the first time to a person you knew in your very bones you could trust and received nothing but unconditional acceptance in return. JJ took you as you were, flaws and metaphorical scars, dark secrets and past mistakes, and you weren't quite fifteen yet but you wondered if that spark you felt in your blood when he kissed you was love.

It was less than a week later when he showed up at your door late at night, bruised and bloody, and the thrill of a clandestine meeting in your room faded the second you saw the small, pained smile he sent your way. Daisy, swapping roles with you for once, distracted your parents so you could sneak him upstairs like she did with Kelce practically every week and only when you were both safely hidden away in your room did you speak, keeping your voice as soft as your touch against his bruised cheek. "What happened?"

You cried in front of him for the second time when he finally answered, after you cleaned him up with the first aid kit your mom always kept under your bathroom sink and helped him change into some of your dad's old clothes your sister swiped from the laundry room ("if you need anything, just text me, 'k?" she said and you sent her a grateful smile before she left, quietly shutting the door behind her.). JJ was your echo as he spilled all his secrets, too, bringing his demons out of the deep blue darkness and into your golden daylight where they slowly burned to ash, little by little. You held him close, your legs tangled together and his head pillowed on your chest, and you ran your fingers through his hair over and over until he talked himself hoarse and his hands loosened their white-knuckled grip on your sweatshirt. 

Words had never been your strong suit so you let your actions speak for you and gently wiped the tears from his cheeks with your thumbs, leaning down to press your lips to his forehead, then his closed eyelids, his nose, all over his face until there was no inch you hadn't kissed other than his mouth; you saved that for last, letting each delicate touch linger against his slightly chapped lips like bright beacons of light guiding him through a storm in hopes that he'll make it to shore.

"You'll always be safe with me." 

You whispered it into his hair sometime later, through swollen lips that hurt in the best possible way and you felt his slow smile into the curve of your neck, his reply coming in the form of a soft and feather-light kiss against your heated skin. You fell asleep that night with your boyfriend wrapped up in your arms, safe and warm and far away from the father who hurt him in more ways than one. 

Your parents, on the other hand, loved JJ so much to the point you thought they'd adopt him if they could, especially your dad. They were constantly inviting him over for dinner, fishing trips, movie nights: you name it, your parents wanted him there, and you were pretty sure he was spending even more time at your place than at John B's. He won the 'favorite boyfriend' category by default because Kelce barely made the 'tolerated' list, much to your and Daisy's amusement. 

Despite that fact though, you still snuck JJ out your window that morning to meet him at the front door just as your mother was leaving for her shift at the hospital. Rebekah greeted him with her customary hug before touching his bruised cheek with a gentle hand and concern in her eyes.  

"What happened, hon?" 

He shrugged, expertly bullshitting some excuse about defending your honor when one of Kelce's friends started going off about how good your ass looked and it instantly appeased your dad, who reached over to clap your boyfriend on the shoulder.

"Good job, kid." Bill said with a pleased grin, then kissed his wife goodbye and headed back down the hall toward the living room. "Hear that, Daisy? Your boy needs to get better friends!"

"Dad!"

"Even better, just get a better boy in general!"

As your father and sister squabbled, your mother pulled you both into another fierce hug and whispered "You always have a place here," before she headed out the door; JJ looked a bit stunned at Rebekah's words and you reached over to give his hand a gentle squeeze, smiling softly when he slowly did it back.

Your parents weren't stupid. They knew your boyfriend didn't come from the best of homes but they loved him anyway, showering him in ordinary, everyday affection they knew he rarely got. You noticed it more and more as the months passed: your dad always asking him for help fixing Daisy's clunker of a car when it broke down and both would come inside with grease-stained hands and easy smiles, your mom keeping all the first aid kits fully stocked and hugging him a little tighter when he looked a little worse for wear, both of them making sure he was fed and safe and cared for like he deserved. Even Daisy had a penchant for leaving snacks on your bed like some sort of food fairy and offering to give rides to the beach or the Chateau, especially after she finally dumped Kelce and had, as she said, 'nothing better to do.'

And you? You fell harder each passing day, each moment you spent with him, each kiss that made your veins hum with white hot lightning. Of course, your friends teased you mercilessly but neither of you really minded, knowing that each joke was born pure joy at seeing you both together and happy (though you never missed an opportunity to be extra affectionate in front of everyone as revenge.). JJ continued to teach you how to surf until you could hold your own with the rest of the pogues and when you turned fifteen in late spring, they gave you the surprise of your life in the form of your very own board.

You stared in shock at the sea foam green board propped in the sand beside your friends,' gaping like a fish out of water as they all screamed "happy birthday, Y/N!" at the top of their lungs.

"You...you guys -are you for real?" You reached out to run your fingers over the smooth epoxy surface, the mounting pressure behind your eyes becoming harder and harder to ignore when you caught sight of your friends' identical bright grins. What did you do to deserve them?

"We figured it was time you had your own board instead of that shitty hand me down," John B said, ruffling your hair with brotherly affection that made your heart feel full. Pope nodded enthusiastically and added, "You're gonna improve so much with this -not that you weren't already, I mean!"

"She's already good 'cause she has me for a teacher," JJ said with an overexaggerated wink as he pulled you closer and planted a kiss on your cheek. "Taught her everything she knows."

"Oh, please, you just wanted to mack-"

"Taught her how to make out-"

"What they all mean to say, Y/N," Kiara interrupted, sending the boys a pointed look, then gave your shoulder a quick squeeze, "is that we love you. That word won't kill you guys to say, you know."

"I-I love you guys, too. All of you." You admitted thickly, hastily wiping away the tears you just realized were slipping down your face. It didn't scare you to say it. You didn't feel the urge to run or pretend you didn't care for them as much as they cared for you 'cause you loved your friends like you loved your sister, your parents, and the thought filled you with joy instead of terror. "I don't know how to thank you."

You suddenly found yourself in the middle of a colossal group hug, laughing and crying at the same time as four pairs of arms all tried to wrap around you at once.  "How about you start by getting out there and showing us what you're made of?" John B said with a nod toward the ocean and you wiggled your way out of the tangle of limbs, darting forward to pull your new board from the sand.  

"Come on, slowpokes," You called over your shoulder as you jogged toward the water, "You aren't gonna let the newbie have all the fun, right?"

The water was a bit too chilly for surfing but the five of you dove in anyway and you grinned so hard you were sure your face would split in two when you nailed your first wave to the rest of the pogues' cheers. You all surfed until the cold was too much to bear before packing up and heading back to your house, where you spent the rest of your birthday surrounded by all of the people you'd ever loved, making s'mores around the campfire in your backyard. 

"I meant what I said earlier." You blurted when JJ was the only one around to hear it, the others already headed inside for the night. The two of you laid together on a blanket beside the dying fire as you stared up at the stars and when you spoke, he tore his gaze from the sky to focus on you, one eyebrow raised in the cutest confused expression you'd ever seen.

"Meant what?"

Maybe it was the look in those pretty blue eyes of his or the feel of his fingers running through your hair or your brain remembering every single moment you'd ever shared with him all at once but something screamed at you to say those words, the ones you'd been thinking about saying to his face for a long time. Though you'd already said them earlier, this time was different -so, so different- and you took a deep breath, fighting away the nerves that made your hand tremble as you cupped his face and ran your thumb over his cheekbone.

"I love you."

The funny thing about words: once they're out in the air, there's no taking them back. These words, though? You never wanted to take them back. Ever. 

"I love you, too."

It wasn't like the movies. Fireworks didn't go off, the world didn't stop spinning on its axis, nothing magically clicked into place, but you did feel the most wonderful warmth you could ever imagine slowly sinking into your bones when he said it back, the soft smile on his flushed face snatching the very breath from your lungs. He loved you. You loved him. It was simple, uncomplicated, effortless and you smiled into his kiss with the moon and stars as your witnesses. 

Summer came again, setting you and Kiara free from the hell known as the kook academy and its rich kid hierarchy and the two of you ran wild -from sunrise to sunset- with your boys at your sides, like birds escaping their cages or horses let loose in the grasslands, untamed and thirsty for adventure. It had only just begun and yet you already knew it was the best summer of your life. 

Your dad, a man able to make friends with a rock, struck up a camaraderie with Sarah's father of all people during a deep sea fishing trip and snagged five invitations to some fancy party called Midsummers. 

Kiara nearly had a coronary when you shared the news, her face lighting up like a kid on Christmas morning. "Oh, thank God!" She breathed, sitting up on her towel and pushing her sunglasses up onto her forehead. "Maybe I'll actually have a good time for once."

The two of you were relaxing on the beach, taking a break while the boys surfed and you turned away from admiring your boyfriend's bare back to look her in the eye. "So what you're saying is-"

"-it fucking sucks. Just..." She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "a bunch of bourgeoise pigs throwing a party to stroke their overinflated egos."

You groaned and flopped back onto your towel, throwing your arm over your eyes. "Great, a night of rich people being rich people."

Kiara laughed and reached over to grab a bottle of water from the cooler. "You have no idea."

Despite her misgivings, the party wasn't as bad as you thought it would be. Sure, the general stench of opulence and wasted money -so much wasted money- was overbearing and quite frankly disgusting but you did your best to ignore it, focusing instead on having a great time with two of your best friends, making fun of the kooks and sneaking liquor when the adults weren't looking. One of those friends happened to be your boyfriend and you found it very, very hard to keep your eyes off him in that suit of his, with his hair slicked back in just the right way that made your knees weak; JJ couldn't stop staring at you either and you'd lost count of how many times you glanced over to find him already looking at you, something you'd never seen before behind his gaze. You wanted -needed- to find out what it was and you were hoping you would tonight, even if you didn't exactly know how. 

"Why don't you two take a picture? It'll last longer." Kiara said sarcastically and you flicked your eyes down to your lap, smoothing a non-existent wrinkle in your deep green dress to hide your embarrassment. What was it about that damn suit that made you feel so flustered?

"You know me, Kie," JJ replied, grabbing your hand and tugging you toward the dance floor. "I like to live in the moment." He grinned down at you and you couldn't help smiling back, giggling as he twirled you under his arm before pulling you close, resting his other hand low on your back.

"I didn't know you were such a good dancer," You said, letting him lead you in a simple waltz across the cool grass. 

"Well, I'm not but I might've spent the last week practicing with your sister while Kie distracted you." He admitted casually, shooting a thumbs up over your shoulder and you turned to find Daisy grinning in your direction as she swayed with some guy (Daniel, you thought, or maybe Deke? You weren't sure.) you'd seen hanging around the pool a few times. 'You're welcome,' She mouthed before spinning under her partner's arm, her wine-colored dress fanning out around her legs and you smiled wider, twirling back into your boyfriend's embrace and surging up onto your tiptoes to press your lips to his.

He dipped you low as he returned your kiss, grinning against your mouth when you flung your arms around his neck in surprise, your fingers holding tight to the collar of his suit jacket. "You did all that for me?" You asked once your feet were firmly back on the ground and your heart skipped a beat as his hands brushed the skin exposed by the low-cut back of your dress. 

"Anything for you, Y/N." 

Later, after dancing until your shoes started to dig uncomfortably into your toes, the two of you snuck down to the beach, your heels in your hands and two stolen drinks in JJ's. You felt a bit guilty ditching Kiara but from the wink she sent your way as you passed by, you were pretty sure she didn't really mind. The sand was cool on your legs through the thin layers of your skirt and yet you felt nothing but warm, both from his arm around your shoulders and the alcohol burning down your throat.

"Shit," You coughed, regretting following your boyfriend's example by knocking the whole thing back at once and playfully jabbing your elbow in his side when he outright laughed at your struggle. "I'm not used to drinking straight...whatever this is." 

"It's bourbon, babe." He took the glass from your hand and set it aside before tucking you closer against him to ward off the slight chill of the mellow ocean breeze. "Don't worry, I still love you even if you can't take shots."

"Ha ha. Love you, too, you jerk." You rested your head on his shoulder after they stopped shaking with laughter, perfectly happy to sit in silence together and watch the waves crash against the shore. A pleasant tingle flooded through your body after the bourbon finally stopped burning and you realized you liked the feeling, even if it paled in comparison to the high you reached when he kissed you, when he ran his hand through your hair, when he made it crystal clear you were loved. 

"Hey, Y/N?"

JJ's voice pulled you out of your thoughts and you shifted your head to look up at him, hooking one of your ankles around his. "Yeah?"

"Gimme your hand."

You obliged, your confusion slowly melting away into something more closely resembling pure, unadulterated affection as he tied a bracelet around your wrist. And not just any bracelet, you noticed when you brought it closer to your face to examine it in the dim, distant light of the party: this one was obviously, beautifully handmade, woven with threads in shades of green, blue, and tan and tied off with two green beads on each end. You ran your thumb over a spot where the intricate motif was just a little messed up and smiled when JJ looked embarrassed, the tips of his ears turning red.

"Yeah, sorry about that, I was in a hurry and fucked up the pattern," He confessed sheepishly, spinning a similar bracelet around his own wrist. "I was gonna give it to you on your birthday but I kind of underestimated how long it took to make-"

"It's perfect." You interrupted, tackling him onto the sand with your arms around his neck as you pressed a quick kiss to the corner of his mouth, leaving a bright red lipstick mark behind. "I love it. I love you."

The smile he sent you was one of unabashed relief and he slid his fingers into your hair to pull you down for another kiss. "I love you, too."

For awhile after that, you let your lips do the talking in a different way and you made out on the beach for -surprisingly- only the second time until you rolled onto your back and accidentally got a little sand in your underwear (he laughed at that but you immediately got your revenge by stuffing a handful down the front of his shirt). You snuck back to the party hand in hand to drop off the forgotten glasses and wave a quick goodbye to Kiara, who just smirked at your smudged lipstick and the golden crown of leaves sitting crooked on your head, before walking toward your house a mile down the road. Well, JJ walked, you hitched a ride on his back when he wouldn't take no for an answer.

"Babe, your feet hurt and you have sand in your ass. No way in hell I'm letting you walk."

You just smiled against his shoulder and let him carry you the rest of the way to your house and then even up the stairs to your room as you fired off a text to Daisy letting her know where you disappeared to. She sent 'check your dresser, thank me later' with a winking emoji back and you felt your face get hot when you caught sight of the small box tucked into the corner of the drawer, quickly placing the phone facedown on your bedside table before tossing your shoes onto the floor by your closet and carefully pulling the crown from your messy hair.

"Thanks for the ride, my feet and ass are in your debt."

"Let's make out again and I'll consider that debt paid."

You laughed but gave in 'cause hell, you really wanted to keep making out, too. You pushed JJ backwards until his knees hit your bed and you ended up on his lap, your hands pushing the suit jacket off his shoulders as you leaned down to kiss him. He slid the pins from your hair one by one until it fell around your face and he tangled his fingers in it, pulling your head back so he could trail his lips down the sensitive skin of your neck and you gasped, pausing in the middle of trying to undo the bowtie around his neck.

Something shifted in the air then and you knew that once you took that next step, there'd be no turning back but you were ready to meet it head on as you finished with his tie and tossed it behind you, then started on the buttons of his shirt. That look from earlier was in his eyes again and you nodded, smiling in anticipation when you finally understood what it meant and he languidly slipped one of the straps of your dress off your shoulder. 

You bared your body like you bared your soul and soon there was no part of you that he didn't know. You learned every part of him, too and together you brought each other to a high you'd never felt before. It wasn't perfect, of course, but it was perfect to you: every awkward, beautiful touch, when you breathed his name like that for the first time, the way your hands clutched his hair like a lifeline. You were burning up from the inside out, every single nerve on fire and blazing brilliantly under your heated skin and you'd never felt more alive when you came undone in his arms.

In the afterglow, you laid wrapped up together like the woven bracelets you both wore, JJ's fingers steadily tracing the curve of your bare hip as yours soothed the darkening red mark you'd left behind on his neck. The fairy lights strung above your bed cast soft, welcoming shadows all around, highlighting that wonderful look in his eyes, open and awed and oh so loving and you knew your gaze held the same.

"I'm, I-" He started, then shook his head and leaned down to place a lingering kiss on your cheek. "I just -shit."

"Whoa, you're speechless," You teased, sweeping a wayward strand of sweaty blond hair away from his forehead. "Guess I really blew your mind, huh?"

"Fucking fried it." He shook his head again with the dopiest, dreamiest smile you'd ever seen and you giggled as he pulled you closer, calloused palm flat against the small of your back. "I'm so fucking in love with you. Straight up head over heels, babe." 

You smiled even wider at his words and how they ignited that flame burning inside you once again. "Good thing I'm fucking head over heels, hopelessly in love with you, too." You replied and pushed him back onto the bed, swinging a leg over his thighs so you were the one on top this time. "And I'm gonna blow your damn mind again."

You weren't sure what you expected life to be like after you had sex for the first time. You'd always heard it was this momentous occasion, that you'd suddenly feel like a real woman or whatever stupid label society came up with to further control girls and their sexuality but honestly, you still felt like the same person. All those rom-coms and their jokes about having that look after getting laid were total and complete bullshit, you realized; to you, sex was just a different, more intimate way to show your love and you just happened to like showing it often (and luckily JJ did, too). You flaunted it in other ways, too, his bandanas tied in your hair and shirts in your closet, your necklaces resting against his collarbone and bracelets you learned to make around his wrists, but there was nothing like the marks you left on each other's skin -necks, inner arms, hipbones- when you were alone together in the dark.

Life went on. Months flew by and things were nearly perfect for you: great friends, good grades, a wonderful relationship with your loving boyfriend. The girl of your past, the one who kept to herself and avoided anything that had to do with being vulnerable like the plague was dead and gone and in her place was the person you always wanted to be. You were happy -ridiculously, deliriously happy- sixteen and so in love with the life you built that you'd almost forgotten about your mom's tendency to relocate your family every few years; that nagging thought was still in the back of your mind but you refused to let it control your life with fear of losing everything -everyone- you'd come to love.

But you knew how the saying went: the bigger you are, the harder you fall.

The higher you climb on an unstable mountain, the more it hurts when it inevitably crumbles beneath you. 

Your mountain didn't just crumble: it was violently torn apart, ripped into pieces by a devastating earthquake, a destructive landslide caused by the one person who promised she wouldn't hurt you anymore but the catalyst that unintentionally set it in motion came from someone you never expected: your sister.

Daisy graduated from the kook academy and got accepted into her dream school, UCLA, alongside her boyfriend Daniel (see, you knew his name wasn't Deke) but you didn't think too much of it. After all, you knew that day would come eventually, the day your big sister would head off to college and leave you, her shadow, behind but the thought didn't fill you with dread like it used to. You had friends, a found family to soothe the inescapable sting of the Daisy-shaped hole in your heart and keep your spirits high when she hopped on that plane to California in the fall.

You still had the summer though and you made it count, days spent with your friends and nights spent with your sister, doing all the things you used to do together when you were little; watching movies, playing games, making a total mess in the kitchen when you baked batches and batches of cookies that had both your boyfriend and hers always hanging around like dogs begging for scraps. You and Daisy started putting them to work the second they ate two dozen snickerdoodles by themselves (Daniel was an excellent cook while JJ was a total disaster) and those nights always ended with the four of you squished together on the couch, wrapped in blankets and cookies and warmth while a scary movie played on in the background. 

The day before Daisy left for LA, you met your parents and sister at The Wreck for what you thought would be your last family dinner until Thanksgiving break but it turned out you were the only one who believed that. You should've known something was wrong the second your dad didn't even make a joke about your friends dropping you off in John B's rust bucket of a van or when JJ pulled you back in for a kiss that was just a little bit too risque for the public eye (You'd laughed when John B and Pope both pretended to gag and just kissed him harder, not giving a single shit about who saw, even your parents.). You should've known when your mother's smile was a little strained or when your sister wouldn't meet your eyes. You should've known but you stupidly didn't see the signs and that made Rebekah's words so much harder to swallow.

"We're moving to California."

You dropped the loaded nacho in your hand back onto your plate as you stared at her, gaping like a fish. "E-Excuse me but what the actual fuck?"

"Language, Y/N." 

"I don't give a shit about my language, Mom, I give a shit about the fact that you broke your promise!" You hissed, roughly pushing your plate away and almost knocking your glass of water over. 

"Sweetheart-"

"You promised." 

Your mother winced at the tightness of your voice and how you snatched your clenched fist out from under her hand. "I know, dear, but I couldn't pass on this offer and I know how much you're going to miss your sister-"

"Yeah, I'll miss Daisy but I don't want to move across the country just to be near her! God, let her be her own person for once!"

"Y/N-"

"And what about me, huh? I'm happy here! This is my home! I have friends, a boyfriend -I'm not leaving!"

"Honey, I understand you're upset-"

"Do you?" You interrupted your dad with a bitter laugh, fighting the tears you felt pricking at your eyes. "Do you understand what you're forcing me to lose?"

Bill looked away as Kiara arrived with your food and set the plates down in awkward silence. You gave her a tight smile when she quickly patted your back and then returned to the kitchen, sending you a concerned glance over her shoulder before she disappeared through the double doors and you turned to face Daisy. 

"Day, did you know?" Your sister avoiding your sudden, sharp gaze was all the answer you needed and your heart dropped like an anchor, weighing heavy on your stomach. You felt sick. You felt furious. But most of all, you felt betrayed.  

Suddenly, the sight of your favorite meal in front of you wasn't so appetizing anymore and you abruptly stood, your chair scraping roughly against the floor. Heads turned to look in your direction but you ignored their curious stares as you snarled with all the venom you could muster across the table at your mother, "I knew I never should've trusted a word you said."

You turned away from her hurt expression -the sheer audacity she had, acting like she was the one whose heart was shattering- and ran out the front door of The Wreck before anyone could stop you, pretending not to hear their voices calling after your retreating back. You didn't know where your feet were taking you but you really didn't care, just as long as it was far, far away from your family.

You ran until your aching legs forced you to stop and you doubled over, hands on your thighs as you tried to catch your breath and it wasn't until you saw the water dripping onto the sidewalk beneath you did you realize you were crying. Footsteps slowed to a stop beside you and your braced yourself to hear Daisy's apology or worse, your mother's, but got Kiara's winded voice instead.

"Did you ever think about doing cross country? 'Cause holy shit," She gasped with her hands on her hips. "You can run." 

Despite feeling like your whole fucking world was falling apart around you, you still managed a snort of laughter at your friend's remark and eagerly returned her embrace when she wrapped her arms around your shoulders, burying your face against her neck. She held you as you cried, running a soothing hand up and down your back until the rest of your friends pulled up in the Volkswagen and you found yourself crying on a different shoulder, one you knew better than your own. 

The white hot fury had left your body and now all you felt was numb. Numb and empty and hollow as you quietly explained everything on the ride back to the Chateau, avoiding your friends' sympathetic stares by playing with a loose thread at the bottom of JJ's shirt. He ran a hand through your hair while you leaned against him and you let his touch slowly bleed life back into your heart. 

"You're not leaving, okay? My parents love you so you can stay with me." Kiara declared later as you all lounged around the bonfire, passing a joint back and forth.

"Or me. My dad would probably let you stay if you helped out around the shop," Pope piped up, handing it over to you without taking a drag as John B added, "Me, too. We have an extra room."

"Tijuana's always nice, too, babe." JJ suggested, grabbing your hand holding the joint and bringing it to his mouth so he could take a hit. "Just a thought."

You smiled softly and took your own hit, slowly blowing smoke into the air. "You guys are the best. I doubt my parents'll change their minds...but I guess it wouldn't hurt to try." It would definitely hurt if your desperate bid to stay didn't work but you tried not to think about that and focused instead on having a good time with your friends, forgetting all about your phone that was switched to silent and burning a hole in your purse. 

Later, after the others headed inside for the night and it was just you and JJ left, you were reminded of your fifteenth birthday. You'd laid like you were now, on a blanket under the stars beside a dying fire and you told him you loved him for the first time and as much as it tore you apart to know it might all come to an end, you didn't regret it. You didn't regret befriending Kiara back in eighth grade or letting the pogues become so important to you or falling so hard for the boy holding you in his arms. And right then, all you wanted to do was hold onto that feeling by showing him your love and getting loved in return. 

You propped yourself up on your elbow and leaned down to kiss him, your other hand slipping under his shirt in the flickering glow of the flames and you smiled against his lips when he immediately rolled onto his back so you were on top, his hand doing some exploring of its own under your sundress.  

"I don't want to feel anything but you tonight." You answered the question in his eyes when you broke apart some time later, both breathing heavily with your skirt hitched up over your thighs and his shirt tossed somewhere on the grass behind you. "Please."

"Here?"

You'd never fucked outside before but you figured now would be the perfect time to try and to be honest, you were too impatient to make it to a bed so you nodded, slowly rolling your hips against his. "Right here."

You lost yourself in the ardent touch of his calloused hands with the haze of smoke hanging in the cool night air, letting everything slip away until he was the only thing that remained. He was all you needed, tan skin slick with sweat and mouth searing hot, your nails trailing scratches down his back while your lips left smudged marks of blood red on his face. He took you higher and higher, doing exactly what you asked him to, over and over until you nearly forgot your own name and when you finally came back down, he held you close until your limbs stopped shaking and your heart slowed back to its normal rhythm.

"I don't want to lose you." You admitted quietly into the dark, wiping at a stubborn lipstick stain on the corner of his mouth and your thumb caught on his lip when JJ shook his head, then leaned down to drop a kiss at your hairline.

"You won't."

You wanted to believe him so badly it hurt but you didn't know if you could so instead you threaded your fingers through his hair and pulled him down to press your mouth to his, his cheek, his jawline, everywhere you could reach, drowning yourself in the right now in hopes that the future would never come. 

"I love you, Y/N. Don't you dare forget it." He whispered it against the shell of your ear before trailing his lips down your neck and the light scrape of his teeth on your skin turned your voice into a breathless sigh as you repeated his words into the air, your back arching from the blanket when he hit a particularly sensitive spot and sent electricity racing through your veins. You may have spoken your love softly but you showed it fiercely, each touch a little harder than the last, each kiss a little rougher and together you burned through the dark like a funeral pyre.

Hope was a dangerous thing to feel; it was fragile and delicate, hard to keep but oh so easy to lose for someone like you, a girl who spent her whole life searching for a home, only to have it ripped away when she finally found it. It didn't matter what you said or how much you cried or even when Kiara and her parents advocated on your behalf, your time on the island was up and just like that, whatever hope you had left disappeared into thin air and left you wondering if you'd ever get it back again.

-

tagging some mutuals who might be interested: @sinkbeneathwaves​ @jiaraendgame​ @sunnypogue​ @alexa-playafricabytoto​ @maybanks​

[hadtochangemyurlquick]

i saw in your bio your pronouns are “she/her probs” if you wouldn’t mind could you elaborate on that? you 100% don’t have to bc at the end of the day it’s none of my business but i’ve been thinking a lot about my own gender identity recently and your pronouns caught my eye

okay so basically, when i was born the doctor wasn’t there, he was helping out the teenage girl next door, and my mom had done it a bunch of times already so it was kinda no big deal? so there was no one there to be like “it’s a girl!” and i’ve been chasing that high ever since.

i was the youngest of too many, growing up on street with only little boys and my parents were never home so we’d basically be out and about until like 11pm trying to decide which god from the greek mythos was our secret parent and never once was i a girl with them we just didn’t have gender it didn’t exist

my two older sisters were extremely close whereas my two older brothers were hated each other and I was close with both of them individually so i never interacted with my sisters bc they were always hanging out together

when i started being a woman in middle school (my mom said I had to :/ ) i didn’t do it right and the first question i got asked was “are you a boy or are you a lesbian?”

i was so obsessed with looking like my older brother i kept my hair super super long and to this day he hasn’t cut it he keeps it in a man bun but i cut mine short directly after high school so i could go to an hwc like the fucking lesbian i am

the first girl i dated had four fingers in total on both her hands, not counting thumbs, and we fell in love play wrestling and like, physically rough housing, like i had with the little boys on my street growing up. she plays the viola to this day i think

when i first saw my now ex-boyfriend my first thought was, he’s either a lesbian or he’s trans, and to this day he’s identified as every label on the lgbtqa spectrum which is funny to me

i like the way i look in a binder but maybe that’s just cause i hate my body and want to punish it?

growing up i played a bunch of sports bc the commutes were the only guaranteed time alone i had with my dad and it was on a softball field in sixth grade that i realized i was a lesbian while looking at the short stop. her sister was a lesbian but the girl i liked was very straight :/

every dress i buy makes me look like an ethereal woodland goddess except for the one i bought that makes me look like a witch, and i look objectively gorgeous in them all except i dont wanna be pretty i want girls to jump out of their boots when they see me so i can catch them in my big strong arms and carry them home

once this kid i had a crush on and i watched the carmilla movie together. they were dating someone and i was pretty sure i was in love with them and when the sex scene came on i did not kiss them which i am both proud of and deeply regret

we also watched the miseducation of cameron post together with similar results

my grandfather carried around a pocket knife around with him everywhere bc he wanted to be useful, i carry around a backpack with a playing deck, a phone charger, a portable charger, a charger for my portable charger, a bar, bandaids, hand sanitizer, pen, pencil, notepad, pencil sharpener, a candle, a flashlight, a compass, matches, a book, lip stuff, pads, tampons, advil, neosporin, and a knife.

my dad has a big leather jacket i steal from him constantly and it’s big and brown and i keep an acorn in the pocket of it like i’m a stardew valley character who might need a nature snack. it’s very good for hiding in and definitely conceals my body

whenever i go shopping with my sisters they always try and dress me up as femininely as possible, despite neither of them being feminine in the slightest. whenever i go shopping with my brother i always empty my wallet. so i dont go shopping.

once i explained this problem to a close friend and he dropped off four shirts and those are pretty much the only thing i wear now. i found one pair of jeans that fit and i just wash those when they get dirty and hope low rise comes back into fashion eventually cause high rise hurts my belly

over time my friend group and family (extended family) has become increasingly trans allowing me to explore my gender for what it is, i don’t feel as though i always need to present anything bc often they’re too tired or in chronic pain to present anything either. in truth, my name is not gus, but it’s one i’m considering going by offline and that a few friends call me. i have warned my fam that i might change my name and pronouns and they were all like :/// okay sweetie, but not they/them okay? the grammar would be a nightmare which like. i’ll take it. they accepted me being a theater kid when i thought i was a theater kid, i’ll give ‘em a break on this one

this snl sketch is a very good thing that was made, my sister is one of those women at the beginning, she’s extremely fashion minded and so smart and aesthetic. the line ‘as a child you were humiliated in a kohls fitting room where your mother said something so harmful it seared off the top layer of your brain”

it was actually my mother’s room where i had been called fat one too many times by my brother and went to her and asked if i was. she said i could stand to lose a few.

my mother really struggled to lose her own baby weight as she had me late in life and with so many kids financial woes didn’t really ease out until i was maybe 7? 8? i didn’t realize at the time but she was looking at her reflection in one of the big mirrors she had in her room and even if she was talking to me she wasn’t talking to me, you know?

my mom did eventually lose the weight and got really in shape, like insanely in shape, she can now outrun god and dead lift satan on the days where her knee isn’t bothering her.

what else what else.

this poem:

“the tomboy grew up and she never went tame and she never found boys or makeup or nothing – nothing wrong with the girls who did but also it’s not inevitable, this progression womanhood rejected you, because where are the grownup tomboys? there’s no room for the rough-and-tumble girls to become rough-and-tumble foulmouthed broad-shouldered women. it’s alright to play at, daughter, they told you, but you have to grow up, and you were confused because you were playing at nothing the tomboy grew up, nonetheless. and instead of wrestling with friends she wrestled with herself for a while. but despite what they said, here she is, still rough, still wild. don’t believe the lies, daughter. grow as you need to. allow yourself to be pruned only to become stronger. grow bold and proud, daughter, like the trees that give you shelter, tomboy, wild girl. love the girls you dream of being strong for and the friends who bear you up when the storms shake your roots. there is value in the crabapple trees, wild daughter, even if the orchard-keeper turns up his nose. know this always, daughter: i love you exactly as you are, and however you need to be” by @sailorshadow

for julia in nebraska by addrienne rich

my friend got me that shirt during quarantine and i got the haircut a few weeks later

on the subject of rita mae brown who wrote ruby fruit jungle, i read the book while overseas in two days, didn’t look up the entire time, and was one of the first gay books i read. one of the things i loved about it was how the speaker was so unapologetically herself. how it ends on a note of bitter strength and triumphant defeat. i reread it while in georgia last year and found i had outgrown it. you might find some comfort in it, idk, just watch out bc there is some terf stuff in it? it aint perfect so just keep an eye out for that, it doesn’t ruin the book i don’t think, there’s other good stuff in it.

here’s some pictures of men:

growing up i was also surrounded by picture books, my grandmother was a children’s book librarian, and here are a couple of important figures:

then how to catch an elephant by amy schwartz but in particular this page:

and i’m sure i’m forgetting things but here’s my gender euphoria playlist:

i’m sure there’s stuff i’m not thinking of but i think that’s the gist of it? if you have any questions feel free to ask

ope! i almost forgot a couple of other important things:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hq27hcPTzDo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENxbcvUXfnM

hope this helps you on your journey!!!!!!

[bellatrixobsessed1]

The Dragon Egg (Parts 7 & 8)

For @secrettunnelatla

In one night, her world shatters. 

It was such an amazing night that she hadn’t even known.

There is a lively hum in the air, an anticipation that has been building steadily, amped up twice over by the opening band. Admittedly, her stomach is fluttering with both delight and nervousness. 

They have finally done it. 

They are finally headlining. 

And they are doing it with strong song material and a sound that Azula is fully satisfied with. 

The lights dim on the venue floor and a telltale hush befalls the crowd. It is in this silence that the anticipation peaks. It is released in an explosion of claps and cheers when Zirin makes her way to the stage. 

Azula envisions her holding up her drumsticks before she gives the drums a teasing beat. Chan and Ruon wait until the claps die away to emerge for themselves. The claps are louder still. “Good evening, Caldera!” Chan greets, “tell me what you think of this!” 

At the strumming of his guitar, Azula makes her way onto the stage. And as they should, their cheers reach the highest volume that they possibly can. She doesn’t address them yet, she never does. That is reserved for after her first song has been sung. 

She scans a sea of leather, piercings, and dyed hair for Seicho. She spots her in the front row off to the left. She gives a little wave. Azula smiles, she is pleasantly surprised to see her in the crowd.  

.oOo.

Azula is a very different girl on stage, Seicho thinks, she is funner. Freer. There is an energy about her that unapologetically feral in the most beautiful way. She wishes that she would bring it to the skate park one day. 

She isn’t particularly mobile, she doesn’t add dance or trash about like some vocalists do. Every now and again she moves from one end of the stage to the next. The songs are lovely but Seicho’s focus is on the gold-blue dragon curling around her arm. It fits the spotlight so well, shimmering in a way that is particularly mesmerizing. 

Seicho knows that she has done good work. 

She extends her had, reaching for Azula as many others do. She laughs when Ruon gives her a fist bump instead. She isn’t sure that Azula quite grasps the importance of interacting with the crowd. But she makes up for it with impeccable vocals and Chan and Ruon fill in. 

Many of their songs are aggressive, a few are sad. But the ones Seicho enjoys the most are the upbeat, fast ones. By the end of the show they mostly sing fun songs, the older ones--if the crowd is to be believed. 

They are fun and lively, Seicho can’t help but wonder why the new ones are so dismal in comparison. For the first time, it settles upon her that her friend might not be as lucky and happy as her social media suggests. 

.oOo.

There is something uniquely exhilarating about performing a first headline show. Her world fades away into pure sound and rhythm. She finds that music provides its own special kind of high that drugs could never hope to induce. She thinks that it is the purest form of a high. A high born of achievement and adoration; of taking the world by storm and rising to the very top of it. 

And in this natural high it becomes effortless, second nature to slip between her clean vocals and her raspy, grating ones. In this natural high it becomes easy to imagine that the night won’t end. 

With this natural high a connection forms. She sings with more feeling, the crowd grows more fervent, her performance grows better still. It is a wonderful fever that spreads through the venue, infecting every last one of them until it is only music and nothing else. 

She hadn’t realized that she has never truly performed, never truly formed a deeper link with her own songs until then. Until her last note reverberates around the venue. Until the strum of Chan’s guitar dies off, plunging the place into a momentary silence before the eruption of applause. 

By, Agni she hopes that she can recreate this at Audio of Agni. 

Azula finds Seicho once more, she wanders over and slips her an invite to their afterparty. 

For once she is actually in the mood to attend one. 

For once she feels unrestrictedly high-spirited. 

.oOo. 

Her natural high reaches a climax when Zhao gives her the news, “you’ve been invited to compete in Audio of Agni.” 

She is so much more than thrilled. Zhao, on the other hand braces himself for overtime and exhaustion--the price of managing a big time band. 

“Ayyy! Badass!” Chan elbows the poor man. 

“Yes,” he grumbles. “Badass.” 

“Ya know what this calls for!?” 

“An extra rad afterparty?” Ruon asks. He waits for Zhao to step out, “with drinking games.” 

Azula rolls her eyes. But it isn’t as though they haven’t earned one wild, ecstatic night. She supposes that she can let them have their drinks. It is only one night. Only one special night. She doesn’t know where Chan has found the alcohol but he has acquired a hefty amount.

Seicho finds a seat on the couch next to her. “Why is it that I’ve now been to Chan’s place and not yours?”

It is because she doesn’t need the girl to know that her father stumbles around drunk sometimes. It is because she isn’t yet ready for Seicho to see her bedroom, somehow that feels like letting someone get too close. “Chan’s mansion is better for parties.” 

“Share a drink with me?” Seicho offers. 

Azul bites the inside of her cheek. It is so terribly easy to see herself staggering about drunk, making a perfect fool of herself while shouting aggressive nonsense. It is so easy to see herself as she sees her father. 

Zirin drapes her arms over the backrest of the sofa. Her cheeks are already flushed from the drinks. “Come on, Azula. ‘S not every night that we get invited to Audio of Agni.” 

“Join us for a little toast.” Chan appears next to her. “You don’t even have to finish the glass.” 

Azula sighs. She supposes that a sip or two couldn’t hurt. 

A sip or two becomes the whole glass--she doesn’t want to be the only one who doesn’t. 

And the whole glass becomes taking Seicho up on her offer--it is only polite, right?

And after taking Seicho up on her offer her mind is pleasantly fogged. She realizes, quite resentfully, that she is a lightweight. Perhaps the product of abstaining. Perhaps she has woefully inherited her mother’s genetics. 

No matter the cause, inhibitions give way just enough to accept another drink and then another. 

And then she wakes up. 

Her clothes are on the floor. 

The sun rays spilling through the window put an aching in her head. She squeezes her eyes shut again, intent to sleep away the pounding. She feels the mattress shift, it doesn’t register at first. The fog in her mind still isn’t fully cleared. 

She notices another heap of clothes on the floor. 

These are not her own.

The mattress shifts again. 

Her stomach drops. 

She leaves the bed and hastily dresses herself before he can wake up. He doesn’t remember it exactly and she wishes that she didn’t. 

They don’t talk about it. 

It was just one night. 

One wild, special night. 

************

She rubs her hands over her face as she paces about. How could she have let this happen? Agni, she assumed that this is a situation that someone like TyLee or Zirin would find themselves in. Not someone like her. Not someone who had only one careless night. One lapse in judgment.

She looks at the strip again. The plus sign still glares back at her.

Agni, she is such a fool.

A fool and, for the first time, she doesn’t know what to do. She has no plan. She thinks that there is no good plan. Her phone buzzes again. It has been vibrating all morning. They ask her where she is. They note that she has been distracted at practice lately.

And it is true; she couldn’t make good music with her stomach so constantly queasy, with anxious thoughts and what if’s swimming in her mind. And now that she has confirmation a much deeper dread sets in. A sense of dread. Of doom. Of failure and shame.

Azula sets the strip aside. It is the third one that she has set aside in the hopes that she has perhaps received a false positive. A second one could be a coincidence. A third and she is certain that the first two had been accurate. It doesn’t stop her from trying a fourth as though that will change anything.

She swallows hard and sinks onto the couch. She feels as though she will be sick and thanks the universe that her father is occupied with signing a new band onto his label. He doesn’t need to see her cry. On principal it is a dreadful idea to irritate him with sobs, Agni forbid that he ask why she is crying.

She wishes that TyLee didn’t resent her. TyLee would know how to handle this. At the very least, TyLee would be the sort of comfort that she needs. Hell, she nearly longs for Zuko or Mai. Any familiar face that hadn’t been present at that party.

She wonders how they had let her do that. In the back of her mind she knows that they were all thoroughly wasted--Seicho and passed out leaning against a potted plant with a piece of toast clutched in her hand. In the back of her mind she knows that they probably hadn’t even noticed that she and Chan had disappeared. She is still furious. She still blames them. It is easier than blaming herself.

With shaking fingers she swipes to answer the first text. She scrolls to the next realizing that the first is from Chan. She isn’t ready to talk to him yet. She isn’t sure if she wants to tell him. She knows that she probably should.

‘Do we still have practice tonight?’ Reads Zirin’s text.

Azula manages a short, ‘yes, same time as always.’

The third is from Ruon. It is the same question but presented in leetspeak. She will let Zirin fill him in. Seicho is fourth on the list and Zhao is the fifth. She looks at Seicho’s first. The girl has sent her a steady stream of messages. An initial, ‘are you still up for tonight after practice?’ Followed by, ‘I was thinking that maybe I can teach you to tattoo.’ And then a, ‘you there.’ After that it is a steady stream of pokes. Agni, she might have to take Seicho up on her apprenticeship should her father decide to disown her.

She can’t bring herself to answer the texts yet. Just as she closes out of the message, she receives another poke.

Zhao’s message comes like a slap in the face. ‘CONGRATULATIONS!’  It takes her too long to realize that he was speaking of Audio of Agni. Attached to the text is a photo of their physical and formal invitations. Even so, she has to put her phone down for a moment.

She wanders into her closet, intending to dress herself for the day. She ends up emerging still in her pajamas. She decides to try the kitchen but wanders back upstairs, she isn’t all that hungry either.

She hears her phone vibrate upon the nightstand. She picks it back up and replies to Seicho. Confirming that she would like to meet with her. She could use someone to talk to. All the same she isn’t sure that Seicho would receive the news well. She doesn’t know what the girl thinks of drunk sex--accidental or not. She realizes that she doesn’t know Seicho very well at all. She doesn’t know anyone well enough to share.

As she is with many other things, Azula is well aware that she is alone in this too. She had been a fool; a fool to drink, a fool to let her focus waver, a fool to let the night sweep her up, and a fool to think that she was impeccable. She should have known better. She should have known that her life hangs on such a delicate thread--a thread that is as short as her father’s temper.  

She had been a fool and so she will have to take the punishment that life has handed her.

.oOo.

Her mind is wandering again, wandering to wailing in the dead night and fussing in the morning. In her mind’s eye there is a tired eyed, scraggly haired version of herself, trying to care for a baby that she shouldn’t even have.

“Seriously!” Zirin snaps.

“Chan’s guitar solo ended a minute ago, are you planning on singing?” Ruon asks.

“I was just listening.” She clears her throat. “You’re playing perfectly, Chan.”

“Yes, well you sure aren’t.” Zirin remarks bluntly. “You’ve been nagging us to start taking practices seriously for how long? Well we’re all in now, where the hell are you at?”

Her face flushes. “Perhaps, I’m tired from having held the band together and keeping everyone on task for the past few months!”

“No.” Chan counters. “What you do is push and push and criticize until we’re absolutely drained. We play better when we practice on our own.”

Azula’s brows furrow. “You practice on your own?”

Zirin gives a bitter laugh, “do you think that we just memorized all of this new material in just a few sessions? It’s a lot easier to practice when we aren’t getting nit picked and bitched at the whole time.”

“You can’t practice without me.”

“We can and we have to.” Ruon adds quietly. “Look, Zirin is being kind of harsh but…” he winces. “But she’s right. You’re kind of overbearing and it’s hard to deal with sometimes. So we have to practice on our own.”

She looks to Chan who shrugs. “Yeah, you’re really difficult sometimes. It’s easier to memorize new riffs when I’m not worrying about how to appease you when I don’t live up to your expectations.”

Azula swallows, the pressure that has slowly been building up within her over the past week is threatening to boil over. “Let’s just take it from the top.” She mutters. She isn’t confident that the knots in her throat will make for good vocal quality. Perhaps she can sing them away. She better be able to do so because their next recording session is tomorrow.

“Are you going to actually take part this time?” Zirin asks. As if that isn’t vexing enough she mocks,  “we need to hurry this up, we’re pressed for time. Remember?”

“We are pressed for time.” She confirms.

“Azula,” Ruon tries, “we still have nearly a year to prepare.”

“We need to do this now so that we can start shooting our music video. Maybe we should start recording now…”

Chan quirks a brow. “We don’t have a producer right now.”

“We can have Zhao call him and…”

“We’re not recording today.” Chan asserts. “Pick up your microphone or go home and let us practice.”

The queasiness in her belly intensifies further. “We’re falling behind. We need to start filming, have we even come up with a concept…” She’ll have no video at all before trying to shoot one with her pregnancy showing.

Ruon gently sets his hands on her shoulders and softly speaks, “look, Azula. Maybe you should go home

But she can’t go home, father won’t stand for it. She won’t stand for it. She can’t afford to waste a whole night of practice, she can’t even afford to waste an hour. Her head is spinning in so many different directions. She has the tickets to Audio of Agni--to her dreams--in her back pocket and she is about to lose it. She is about to lose everything. She’ll end up like Iroh and Zuko. She’ll just be another supernova, too bright to sustain its own light in the long term. Somehow it comes out as, “this is my band, this is my studio. I’m staying.”

“Great, then you just stay here, we’ll take practice to Chan’s house.” Zirin declares. She sntaches up her drumsticks and heads for the door.

“Zirin, I never agreed to that!” Chan shouts. But he takes his guitar and chases her down noless. Of course he does, Azula can’t remember a time when he hadn’t followed her about.

Ruon sighs and shakes his head. “I guess I’ll see you later, Azula. Good luck.”

“Wait, Ruon, please don’t leave.”

But he does. Just like Mai and TyLee.

The studio door slams back into place. It is only she and the echo. And then she and the silence.

She tucks herself into the corner of the recording booth and slides down the wall. She draws her knees up to her chest and buries her face in her knees. In the silence it finally comes out. All at once until she is laying on the floor, a shaking, screaming mess. The booth muffles the sound, no one hears her. And if they do, they probably think that it is part of a song. Maybe it is better that way.

Or maybe she wishes that someone would come by and ask her if she needs help. Even through her tears she would tell them that she doesn’t, but the sentiment would be nice.

She bunches herself up as tightly as she can manage. She is losing everything. Everyone.

Maybe she never had anyone at all. Maybe they had never been her friends. Maybe they were just co-works. Maybe the three of them simply had a dream and she just so happened to be the best opportunity to bring it to fruition. Maybe she is just a tool. A very talented tool.

She hears her phone ringing from across the room. Oh, Agni, she hopes that it isn’t her father. Not now.

She stumbles her way to it. She takes a deep breath, her voice is still some shaky as she confirms the call. “I’m busy right now, Seicho.”

“Sorry, I forgot that you were at practice. I can call back at another time…”

Azula is quick to cut her off. “No. No, it’s fine. We were just finishing.”

“That early?”

“Yes. We had a...a good session. I’m confident enough in our sound that we don’t have to practice as long.” Oh, Agni, she’s such a liar.  

“Great, you still want to come to the skate park?”

“Can we meet somewhere quieter?”

“Sure! Pick the place and I’m there.”

“Okay.” She says too quietly. She is there. Someone is there. She swallows. At least she has one person. One person to hold onto. One person to hold onto her. Agni, she hopes that Seicho has a strong grip. “Do you want to come to the studio, I can show you how it works.”

[draggingthedregs]

as i said earlier, it is an ungodly length but i hope you can enjoy my late night, book-drunk opinions anyway!

***

guess who just finished “ruin and rising”?

i’m seriously not okay. someone send help. i got lots of thoughts, none of which you are obligated to read but this seems like the best place to share.

oh and spoilers, duh.

for starters. woah.

i can’t say it was what i expected but i had known that what my heart really wanted was kinda far out of reach. the ending felt real and feasible, complete with love and loss.

in terms of “ruin and rising” alone, i think it was possibly the strongest of the three books. the pacing was good, nothing felt like it dragged on too long or went too fast for its own good. i think that was really important as well, considering the fact that there was always something going on. literally,, always. no one ever got a damn break.

mal’s “death” hurt me more then i had expected. which honestly leads back to one of my main gripes with this story. the love square (which i elaborate on later in this post, just hold on a bit). i’m not going to lie. i hated mal. through the middle of “siege and storm” up to page 168 of “ruin and rising” (and even then it was a long road from hate to crying over him). he was an ass, i think we can all admit that. for awhile there, i even jumped on the “fuck mal” train and had no plans to stop at any station anytime soon. for the longest time, the relationship with alina felt so fragile and forced, like the only reason it existed was because leigh had written it into existence. though, as i read on, i saw why it was so strained and saw the eventual resolution, which i will admit i was happy with. mal and alina, however annoying and troupe filled their personalities were, did develop as characters. and their relationship made some semblance of sense in the grand scheme of things. does that mean i forgive the “on-again-off-again”, “cold-shoulder”, “we-cant-be-together-in-this-lifetime” bullshit? no. does that mean i suddenly love mal? also, no. does that mean i ship them? ugh slightly. does that mean in a magical dream world where i got to chose what happened, they’d still end up together? impossible to say. BUT i can say, that they deserved each other. and i am happy that they got their peace together like they both always wanted (no matter how out of place it felt at any point), especially considering the fact that she literally had to kill him.

my dear dear darkling... i knew what fate awaited you and yet, when the time came... it hurt just the same.

okay,, that was a bit dramatic. but come on. leigh wrote a damn good villain with aleksander morozova. i meAN, thE lAYERS. he was a horrible person and yet, so many of us still love him. he killed for fun, manipulated no matter the cost, preyed upon the weak because he could, literally blinded his own mother and still! i can’t help but love him. there was so much human woven into his darkness. the moments of simple longing, of exhaustion, of loneliness. in all honesty, if there had been a way to humanize him, to erase or explain away his atrocities and have him just be aleksander again, i feel like i would do it. but, in the context of the story i do understand why it wasn’t possible. redemption for the darkling was off the table, no matter how much humanity still remained. but that’s what makes him such a good character. you want him to be different because you can see the good and all the potential for things to change, for them to rule ravka side by side, but at the same time, he’s the same man who is still actively creating more shadow demon creatures to eat whoever he wishes. you can’t resist him and that’s why he’s so wonderful, yet horrifying at the exact same time. (though don’t worry i am still a trash can and the darklina ship is still superior in the love square. again, i promise i will get there).

i feel like i have to talk about how much i loved the “secondary characters” (i struggle to call them that because they actually run this shit). i will say, at first, i hated zoya. i am not a big fan of the “mean girl” troupe or the “i’m-prettier-than-you-and-i-know-it” thing but... she really grew on me. i looked forward to zoyas comments and constant bitchiness, as did the characters in the books. and when she left the note and the blue kefta with alina in the epilogue,, oh god my heart. and the ragtag crew of grisha making up the remainder of the second army were amazing. their banter and dialogue were some of my favorite scenes to read in “ruin and rising” and i want books just filled with them and only them. david and genya deserve the damn world, adrik was so great, nadia and tamar are so precious, and i will miss harshaw’s weird ass more then you’ll ever know. don’t even get me started on misha and oncat. they are the true stars of this series, you cannot convince me otherwise. god i love them all so much, what a brilliant cast of characters. except the apparat. fuck the stupid ass apparat.

i know what you’re thinking. “you forgot nikolai.” no. i promise you, i most certainly did not. i just love him so much he gets his own chunk.

i mean, how could he not? he’s one of those rare, genuinely perfect characters that are impossible to not love. and i don’t mean perfect because he has no flaws or he’s written unnaturally, i mean perfect because of all of his flaws. he is arrogant and calculating, brash and unapologetic in his ways, but he’s also kind and caring, witty and charming and way too clever for his own good. i rooted for him more then i have ever rooted for someone in my entire life. he made everything ten times better. you can always count on his ass to pop up in a flying ship with a shiny pair of boots, a witty remark, a new plan, and too many ideas.

now, the important business... the ominous love square.

i think the words i used were “one of my main gripes with the story” which is true, but i think leads to a bigger issue with some of the characterization in the story. the “love square” was a term i thought of in relation to the many overlapping and confusing ships that center around alina (obviously being mal, the darkling, and nikolai). all of the ships were so entertwined and written over top of one another that there was no other way for me to describe it and the square seemed like a nice enough analogy. it just felt like way too much on everybody’s plates.

i love nikolai and alinas friendship. i mean, LOVED it. because i loved it so much, i found the little nods to a ship odd and unnecessary. their story line was very focused on the fact that ravka would need a king and queen, hence the scene where he gives her the emerald and all but proposes right then and there. however, that scene would have made scene and carried the same weight had there not been the splashes of romance both before and after. now, i understand why people ship them. and honestly, if under different circumstances, i probably could’ve and would’ve shipped them myself. they would have had one of the best marriages in a society where you didn’t get to marry for love. but it just made everything more complicated. people would’ve speculated on a ship had there been no kisses or pining, soley based on the possibility of a marriage and because of their close friendship so, why was the canon addition of it necessary? i just couldn’t get behind it when i loved their platonic relationship so much and when there were two stronger and more developed ships, waging war in the background.

now, my final bone to be picked... let’s be real for a second, alina in “shadow and bone” sucked. she was annoying and had no personality beyond being a sad, lonely, orphan in the darklings sparkly new grisha world. though i will say, in the later two books, i grew to like her. her character development did its job and i actually think she grew to be a pretty good protagonist. she did her best with the cards she was dealt and i think she did really well. however, her inability to pick a boy constantly bothered me. after being in love with her best friend for literal years, she is really ready to be be the first lady of the second army. and yes. sure you could justify it. she wasn’t getting letters in return, she’d been away for months, she was adapting to her new life, the darkling made her feel seen and wanted which is all a very new feeling to her. but then she goes right back to mal after he makes a confession that he didn’t realize he loved or needed her until she was gone for months (this was one of my biggest problems with mal. my problem only grew when he spent the entirety of “siege and storm” being a dick. but like i said,, we have reconcilied. we are fine now). there were times throughout the series where i genuinely didn’t understand why they were together, why i liked them together, or why i even wanted them to end the series together. alina even asks mal at the end of “ruin and rising” if there entire relationship was based solely on the fact that mal was the last amplifier and the fact that she even had to ask really says something. was their entire romance because of the amplifier? was it because of the “we-are-just-meant-to-be-together” thing? or was there actual chemistry? i really couldn’t tell sometimes. and the darklina ship was even more twisty and winding. he went from telling her deep dark secrets because he wanted to hear the girl he loved say his name to literally threatening everyone she loves because he wants her weak and all to himself. like,, whAt? (again,, layers) and don’t even get me started on the darkling and alina apparition interactions. those were a wild fucking ride. i felt like i was getting manipulated along with the both of them in those. but maybe that was the point of the darkling and alinas relationship. it was supposed to be so horrible yet so electric that you couldn’t pull away. but i doubt the same was meant to be said for mal and alina.

now i feel like i may be coming off in the wrong way. i loved more about this series then i didn’t. but me gushing about every fine detail and conversation that made my heart melt wouldn’t make for the most interesting read, if it was even coherent. all in all, i think it’s safe to say the grisha trilogy is great. does that mean it doesn’t have flaws? of course not. does that mean the flaws outweigh the good and the actual point of the story? absolutely not. my small complaints about a few things really do not take always from the fact that i love this series. i would love anything written by leigh bardugo, especially in the grishaverse.

if you’ve made it this far, that’s commitment. thank you brave soldier. don’t take anything i’ve said with anything more than a grain of salt. seriously. if this is your favorite series, don’t let my lil complaints ruin your day. because really, the good outweighs the bad here tenfold. i’m just a girl with a lot of opinions and a platform to share them at four am... it’s a dangerous game.

but, goodbye grisha trilogy. you have served me well and i will return to reread you soon. but for now i will do a lot of writing (i already have so many fic ideas brewing) and read all the fan fiction and tumblr posts i’ve been avoiding for fear of spoilers.

[hiyadarlingirl]

EVERGREEN LOVE, part 6

part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7 , part 8, part 9

Summary; It’s three days after the storm and you are at a lecture thinking back at a crazy occurrence (inspired by Logan from Gilmore girls!) that made Roger and you become friends. Later you also attend a  gig of Rogers band smile! 

wordcount; 2,8k

Warnings; swearing, tiiiiiny bit of angst, fluff

 Thankyou for reading everyone!! This part wil be a fun one, so sit back and relax! The dress I imagine reader wearing at the gig is this one from Jackie Burkhart! 

‘Does it still hurt?’ You asked.

‘My heart? Yes, consistently.’

‘Your ribs, stupid.’ You said, smiling.  

It was three days after Roger had gotten back from his sailing trip and everything had returned to normal. You were back to the banter that marked your relationship and you were glad nothing had changed. You were sitting in the lecture hall with a couple of minutes before lecture and were waiting for professor Goodall to come in and talk about plant physiology. A subject you knew would keep Rogers interest for at most 20 minutes before he would start getting annoying and in need of attention.

‘Ah. My ribs are splendid.’ He answered your question. Professor Goodall had now entered the room and started to quiet down the audience.

‘Wanna see?’ Roger asked and before you could say no, he stood up and pulled up his striped t-shirt to proudly show you the bandages that were wrapped around his upper body.

‘Taylor. Sit down. Nobody wants to see that.’ Professor Goodall said with a sour expression.

‘I wouldn’t be so sure about that sir.’ Roger replied with a hint of a smirk.

‘Just sit down an try paying attention for once Taylor. And save me the cockiness next time.’

You pulled Roger down by his wrist before he could make more of a fuss. It was no secret that professor Goodall wasn’t very fond of Roger and neither was he fond of you after an incident that had taken place almost two years ago.

--------------------- 

It was at the start of spring semester and you were both in your first year. You didn’t know Roger very well at the time having only spoken to him briefly so you couldn’t possibly foresee what was about to happen.

You were sitting in the middle of the audience next to Ally, scrabbling down notes while listening to the professor. He just started explaining the cell cycles of micro-organisms when a guy came rushing in, interrupting the lecture.

‘Y/N!’ You looked up, surprised at hearing your name. ‘Darling! My love.’ He spoke dramatically. You froze in your seat.

‘What are you doing to me? Please save me from this bloody misery I can’t handle it no more.’ You tried to assimilate what was happening, everybody had now turned in their seat staring up at you. Ally was looking at you confused. You gave her a confused look back.

‘Y/N please.’ He continued.

Professor Goodall looked perplexed. ‘What in the world….’ Then turned to you. ‘Miss Y/L/N what is this?’ You gave him a clueless look.

‘Y/N! Please tell me you love me! For I’ve been in love with you from the moment we met.’ He cried theatrically. You tried placing the guy, having seen him before but not in any of your classes. His curly hair wasn’t something you would quickly forget. Then it suddenly dawned on you. Your assumption got confirmed when another guy came rushing in.

It was Roger this time. 

You suddenly got it. They were performing a play to make you as uncomfortable as you could  possibly get.

‘Brian? What the fuck?’ Roger shouted and came running towards Brian who had climbed up the stairs and was now in the audience.

Professor Goodall had finally found his voice back. ‘Taylor! Get out of my class! And take your friend with you!’ He spoke firmly but Roger ignored him completely.

‘Don’t you dare steal my girl you wanker!’ Roger grabbed Brian by his shoulders.

You didn’t know where to look, wanting to disappear under the seat and never return. You could hear the audience laughing but it felt like you weren’t there.

Brian freed himself from Rogers grip.

‘Y/N, please liberate us from this excruciating pain. You have to choose one of us.’ He said.

‘Yes Y/N. Stop playing with our fragile hearts. It’s brutal.’ Roger added, his eyes twinkling.

You couldn’t bring out a word and slightly shook your head at Roger, giving him a deadly look.

‘Taylor, get down NOW or I’ll never see you in any of my classes ever again.’ Goodall started to fully lose his temper now.

‘But sir, you don’t understand..’

‘Taylor!’ Professor Goodall spoke with his voice low, trying to sound authoritative. Roger smiled. ‘Alright.’ He said then, giving in. He started to walk down the stairs, but then stopped in the  middle turning back to face you. ‘To be continued.’ He added, a mischievous look in his eyes. You just squinted your eyes at him.

Just before he and Brian left the classroom they made a little bow, clearly enjoying the attention. Majority of the students clapped and laughed but you were just pissed.  How far they would go to get noticed was pathetic. And using you for it? How childish.

If you were completely honest with yourself, you maybe had liked getting noticed by him a little bit. But you would never admit that out loud.

‘That was… curious.’ Ally said, at the end of the lecture, gathering her books. ‘They were good though.. very invested.’You rolled your eyes at her.

After class you saw the boys waiting outside, leaning against the wall, talking. First you considered to just walk away, ignoring them and pretending the whole thing hadn’t happened. But then Roger waived at you so you gathered your courage and decided to talk to them.

‘Ah there she is.’ Roger said when you started walking towards them, pushing himself off the wall and standing up straight.

‘Hi.’ You said, stepping closer. ‘Great play, very convincing.’ You started, leaning on one leg, arms filled with books. ‘Could you maybe leave me out of it though, next time?’

‘Why? You didn’t like it?’ Roger asked innocently.

‘Look, I know you guys like attention, but there are plenty of ways to get that elsewhere aside from embarrassing me, believe it or not.’

‘I know that love, but that’s a pity cause I just wanted attention from you.’

Even though you didn’t believe a word he was saying, you didn’t know how to respond to that.

‘What do you mean.’ That was kind of a stupid question, you knew that, but Roger smiled sweetly.

‘You are so hard to catch, girl. I just had to take measures for you to notice me. Forgive a fool?’

You thought about that for a second. You uncatchable? That was new. You thought it was the other way around, actually. You hadn’t really tried becoming friends with him because he seemed so hard to keep. Talking to everyone but never really staying. It wasn’t like he was popular in the usual sense of the word. He wasn’t wearing fashionable clothes, nor did he hang with the cool people. But he had something that drew people in. His unapologetic way of being himself and not giving a damn about what anyone thought of him. Choosing people on character instead of status. You had to give him that. You wouldn’t please his arrogant ass just yet though. His smooth talking wouldn’t win you over this easily.

‘Well, you have my attention now, what are you planning on doing with it?’

He was quiet for a couple of seconds, reading your face.

‘Wanna be my friend?’ He asked then, eyes wide and a toothy smile gracing his face.  

You didn’t expect this question so it took you a while to answer.

‘Okay.’ You said. Not too enthusiastic but he didn’t seem to mind.

And with that you became friends. Way better friends then you had over seen coming. Thinking back on it you wondered how Roger ever got Brian so far as to declare his love to you in front of so many people, he didn’t seem the type for it. It showed how good of a pall Brian was to him though.

 ----------

‘Hey.’ Roger pulled you back into the present.

‘Wanna go to a gig of mine and Brian?’ He whispered in your ear.

‘Of course!’ You whisper shouted back. ‘When is it?’

‘Tonight, I’ll pick you up at six, wear something cool, it’s gonna be wild.’

‘That can be arranged.’ You grinned.

‘So no Led Zeppelin shirt Y/N. You’re our supporter now.’ He said with a semiserious face. You laughed at that, earning yourself an annoyed look from the professor. You sat up straight and tried focusing on the lecture again.

‘Cell devision in plants is limited to specific regions. In plants it’s the meristems that accounts for growth lengthwise upwards and downwards.’

You yawned but started scribbling down notes again. 

----------

That evening you stood in front of your closet deciding what to wear. Ally was laying down on your bed, providing you with advice. She was coming too but was too lazy to try out several options, having already stuck with sky blue pants and a white T-shirt.

‘What do you think of this?’ You asked while staring at yourself in the mirror. You were wearing pink flared jeans with a white embroidered blouse.

‘Definitely maybe.’ Ally said, her chin resting in her hands.

‘Hm-hm.’ You agreed, changing into a different outfit. Denim jeans this time with a faded peach top.

‘Too plain.’ She stated. You looked at yourself in the mirror.

‘Maybe with a different top?’ You proposed and changed it for a bright pink, very revealing lacy tank top.

‘Too slutty.’ Ally said, shaking her head.

‘Yeah I see what you mean. I kinda like it though.’ You said, and put it on the definitely maybe pile. ‘Let’s try another one.’ You started to get out of the jeans and into a navy floral dress that tied closely around your waist.

‘Love it.’ Ally nodded in approval. ‘This is the one.’ You turned around looking at the back. It truly was pretty, with pink and white details, tight at the waist and flowy from the hips down.

‘Okay.’ You agreed and got into some red clogs that tied around your ankles. ‘Let’s go then. Ready?’

‘Ready as ever.’ She answered getting up from the bed.

You grabbed a thick jacket and went outside to wait for Roger who was far too late as per usual. Just as you started to get annoyed he pulled up at the driveway.

‘Hello there ladies, wanna go for a ride?’

He was wearing demin jeans, white sneakers and a silky red jacket with pink flowers. It was a complete mismatch but suited him nonetheless.

Ally got in the backseat so you got in front.

‘You are late. Again.’

‘Well hi to you too.’ He said, then added: ‘This isn’t a date is it. I’m allowed to be.’

‘Being my friend doesn’t give you that privilege.’ You said. ‘Plus I’m sure you’d be late at a date too.’

‘Oh darlin.’ His face was dead serious. ‘I wouldn’t be.’ He looked at you with such an intensity it made you oddly uncomfortable. You just pulled up an eyebrow.

‘Well go on then, drive.’ He let his eyes linger on your face for a second longer before giving a quick nod and starting the engine.

When you arrived it was almost seven so Roger had to rush backstage. ‘Good luck.’ You said, giving him a hug and quickly tried fixing his messy hair.

‘Thanks, join me and the boys for a drink after?’

‘Sure thing. We’ll cheer at you from the audience!’ You and Ally went inside as Roger got to the back. It was quite a large space, fitting at least a hundred and fifty people. The place was already packed and it was extremely hot compared to the cold outside. You and Ally got drinks and made your way through the crowd to the front stage. You sipped at your drink and waited for them to come on which didn’t take long. Brian came in first, getting cheered by the audience. Then in came Roger, waving his drumsticks in the air. You could hear all the girls screaming. Tim, the lead singer entered last and walked to the front of the stage grabbing the microphone.

‘Yesterday my life was in ruin, now today I know what I’m doin.’ He started. Everyone cheered. Your eyes shifted from Tim to Roger in the back who was feverously banging his drums. You liked watching him like this. Completely in his element and in the moment, steady rhythm, slightly pouted lips. The band was clearly also affected by the heat, maybe even more so by the physical exercise and warm stage lights. You could see the sweat rapidly gathering on Rogers skin, his long hair starting to stick around his face.

‘Shall we get some air?’ Ally asked after a while, wiping her forehead with the back of her hand. ‘It feels like I’m in the fiery pits of hell.’

‘Alright.’ You agreed and followed her through the crowd to the entrance. Suddenly you recognized a familiar face. It was unmistakably Christina. Rogers crush Christina. She was wearing a crop top and a short skirt showing almost her entire body. She was in the same classes as you so she recognized you and gave you a smile.

‘Cool to see you here!’ She shouted in your ear as though it was more self-evident she was there than you. ‘Do you like it?’

You didn’t really feel like doing the small talk thing with her, but as she was Rogers crush you decided to make a bit more effort. She didn’t seem too bad.

‘Yeah, they’re wonderful.’

‘Can I ask you something, Y/N?’

You were surprised she knew your name. ‘Of course, ask away!’

‘Do you think Roger fancies me? He’s been staring at me from the stage this whole time!’

You were surprised she was so upfront and couldn’t help but laugh. ‘Oh darling, I am positively sure he won’t be able to see you from that distance with his blind ass.’ You said. Then added: ‘But yeah, I think he might!’

‘Oh.’ She laughed a little embarrassed. ‘But.. so you think he does like me then?’

‘Yeah.’ You nodded. ‘I think so.’

‘Thankyou Y/N.’ She was positively beaming. It gave you mixed feelings but you gave her a smile nonetheless. You didn’t want to be the one standing in the way of those two. If there had ever been anything between Roger and you, in whatever form, it would’ve already happened right?

You followed Ally outside and thankfully breathed in the fresh cold air. But only for a second though, as you started to freeze in mere seconds in your cold dress. You jumped up and down to keep warm. ‘Wanna go inside again?’ You asked, wrapping your arms around you own body.

Ally nodded and followed you inside. The band had started their last song and looked exhausted but happy. When they finished the crowd erupted into loud cheers and whistles. You climbed on a wooden chair at the bar and screamed the loudest, fulfilling you job as their personal supporter. They walked to the front of the stage and bowed, taking in the craziness of the crowd. When they left the stage you took Ally’s arm and dragged her backstage feeling privileged you could just do so.

‘You were amazing!’ you cried out flying into Rogers arms who had to steady himself by the sudden weight thrown at him.

‘Thankyou love.’ He said, a bright look in his eyes. He smelled a little like sweat but you didn’t really mind.

‘Great crowd you were. Tasteful energy. Want a beer?’ He asked. You nodded.

‘You too Ally?’ He asked her and she nodded as well, clearly intimidated by the band.

‘There is someone in the audience for you by the way, Rog.’ You threw in casually, taking a sip from the glass beer bottle.

‘What, who? Not my mom is it.’

‘No, no. It’s Christina.’ You said, carefully reading his reaction.

‘You are kidding me.’ He said, genuinely surprised.

‘Nope. Go look for yourself.’

‘But I wanted to celebrate with you first.’ He said, which surprised you a little.

‘Don’t feel obligated, I’ll wait for you. Go talk to her before she’s gone.’

He seemed to hesitate a little so you gave him a reassuring smile. ‘Go before she’s gone.’ You said. And with that Roger was out. You were doing the right thing, you thought. Why did it feel so wrong then? After a while you decided to take a look and opened the door. There was still a vast amount of people lingering in the space so it was hard to find Roger at first, but then your eyes found him, standing at the back of the bar, talking with the girl. He had been with girls, you knew that. He had kissed more than you and you knew he wasn’t a virgin anymore, but you had never seen him with one yourself, having only heard about them.

You knew you were peeking and you shouldn’t be doing it, but your eyes were glued to him and Christina as she leaned forward and kissed him. 

Next part

 TO BE CONTINUED! 

@white-queen-walks, @fics-for-my-heart, @midnightloversville, @killerqueenbucky, @fallinginlovewithwhereyouare, @about-aphrodite, @daarkdreamy, @bulsaratheopera, @notsoinnocent13, @int0-you, @fortuneboldlyfavors, @chaoticjasontoddinsoup, @rogahtaylahthedrumah, @notborednorstressed, @bensroger, @sleeping-bobcat, @mercuriangel, @juliet-taylor

[ibelieveinahappilyeverafter]

Down the Rabbit Hole to the Emerald City - Chapter 02

Here’s the next chapter of this little story! It was honestly quite the delight to write and I had more fun than I thought I would with it! 

Summary: Dorothy Gale was twelve-years-old when a twister flew her away to a magical land that she realized too late had become a home to her. She was fourteen when she was sent off to spend the summer with her cousin who she had never heard of. Dorothy had expected a summer of boredom and longing, but instead she may have found her way back home.

Alice Liddell was seven-years-old when she had a very curious dream that showed her a world she’s been craving since. She was fourteen when she was finally allowed back home from her “hospital” and allowed to spend the summer with an unknown cousin. She expected the need to hide and put on a fake smile, but instead she may have found the one person to believe her.

There are countless stories of little girls who find their way into magical worlds before wandering back out as if they had never been there before, but this is a story of how two young women found their way back.

Word Count: 3,320  Transaction Amount: $24 (USD)

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                                             Chapter Two

Cousin Lorna, Alice’s older sister who was quite the lovely person, from what Dorothy had discovered, was giving both her and Alice odd, searching looks over their breakfast and the table itself, always just out of sight from their mother. It wasn’t until the older woman left, busy with work of her own, that Lorna spoke up, looking to Dorothy and asking a gentle, “Are you alright? You seem rather… distant. Did you have trouble sleeping?”

“I did, I’m afraid,” Dorothy admitted before giving an apologetic smile, trying not to show how the question had startled her. “The room you’ve given to me for the summer is lovely, I suppose Toto and I are still just adjusting, is all.” Toto gave a little snuffled sneeze from where he was tucked down against Dorothy’s ankles and eating his own breakfast, manners impeccable as always as he refused to beg for any table scraps. Dorothy snuck him one or two, anyways, when she was sure Lorna and Aunt Helen weren’t looking. Alice, who was sitting right beside her, looked to have been doing the same.

“No doubt you’re homesick, as well.” Lorna had the picture of sisterly concern to the point that Dorothy almost thought it faked, but there was something too sincere in the eyes that could only be real. “Well, take all the time you need to settle, Dorothy, and let me know if there’s anything we can get you to make your stay a good one.”

Dorothy settled for giving a little nod, looking down to her plate that she had only picked at, so far. She was never one for a large breakfast in the mornings to begin with, and after last night, all her thoughts seemed to be swirling with what she and her cousin had talked about in the late hours of the night.

Both had been too wary to discuss too much, frightened as if someone would be listening in and ready to reprimand them for telling stories, and so Dorothy had retreated to her room with a promise from Alice of talking more tomorrow. She had planned to sleep, however uneasy it might be, but Dorothy had instead stayed up for hours and carefully recounted every detail she could remember about Oz until her exhausted body had finally given out on her.

It had been too long since she had thought good and hard about Oz and the friends she left behind, and Dorothy had mourned in secrecy as she had realized she could not remember the shade of color of Lion’s eyes, or the exact cadence of Tin Man’s voice, or the way in which Scarecrow had walked. She had forgotten how many wrinkles were on the face of Oz the Wizard, and she could not remember, no matter how hard she tried, on which side Glinda’s smile had tilted up when she was pleased with something.

Her whispered recounting had led to mourning and tears which had led to a very brief and exhausted sleep; if one could call tossing and turning sleep.

“I suppose it’s about time I start on my own tasks for the day.” Lorna’s words broke Dorothy out of her tangled thoughts, Lorna already standing up and gathering her dishes to take into the kitchen. “Make sure to set the dishes in the kitchen when you’re done, girls, and to stay indoors, today. There’s supposed to be quite the storm rolling in, and I don’t want you two caught up in it.”

Alice, who had been quiet and still for the entire time Aunt Helen had been in the room, laughed as life seemed to seep back into her, voice quiet in a way it hadn’t been last night as she said a soft, “We’ll be careful, Lorna. I think we’ll be in the library most of the day, if anything. Dorothy was curious about some of the books?”

“Oh, yes,” Dorothy agreed at once, giving her best smile at Lorna and trying not to show her own surprise at the sudden plans. She supposed they did need to talk about, well, everything. The library was as good a place as any for that conversation. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen so many books.”

“Then you girls have fun.” Lorna was nothing except warm and fond as she kissed both of them on the head before disappearing into the kitchen with a soft hum, Alice’s expression showing that same warmth and fondness.

Dorothy was about to tell Alice how wonderful a sister she had before the table shook and echoed with a mighty thump, Dorothy jumping in her seat with a shocked little, “Oh!” as she stared down at one of the largest cats she had ever seen.

“Dinah,” Alice scolded, reaching up to drag the cat over to her before lifting her off the table with a punched out, breathless noise. “Have you been sneaking away with treats, you naughty thing?”

Dorothy watched as Dinah escaped Alice’s arms with a pitiful yowling sound, landing on the floor hard enough to cause a few tremors, Toto giving a startled yelp and jumping into Dorothy’s lap in surprise, Dorothy catching him at once.

“Sorry about her,” Alice huffed a breathless little sound as she squared her shoulders and dusted her hands off. “She’s always so well behaved around Mother and Lorna, but then they disappear and she becomes the most curious of creatures. It’s like she lives a double life!”

Dinah and Alice, Dorothy decided, had a lot in common. The bright eyes and wide smile were nothing like the calm, collected expression Alice had been wearing for most of breakfast. This Alice seemed as wild and curious as her cat, eager to explore and unapologetic when, or perhaps if, she was caught.

“Now,” Alice said cheerfully, pulling Dorothy’s chair out with her still in it. “Let’s take care of these dishes and then, I believe, we have a library to get to, don’t we?”

That was how Dorothy soon found herself once again visiting her cousin’s own personal library, still in awe of the towering shelves, countless books, and polished wooden floors and tables and chairs that made the whole room look incredible. Dorothy was only able to appreciate it all for a moment before Alice was pulling them towards a back corner, tucked away behind shelves and hidden near a window that looked out over endless green hills, and pushing Dorothy down into a chair.

Cousin Alice, Dorothy had quickly discovered, was not as quiet and meek as her family had been led to believe, and instead the girl was full of unending energy and fierce resolve to accomplish her task of getting back to her home; a task that now, it seemed, involved Dorothy, as proven when Alice sat them down in the library and asked Dorothy to tell her how she had first reached Oz.

“It happened due to a twister,” Dorothy said, nervously running her fingers through Toto’s ruff as the dog sat in her lap as usual. A glance up showed Alice sitting in a chair across from her, staring at her without so much as a blink. “A twister came when I was twelve, about two years ago, and my dog Toto and I weren’t able to get into the storm cellar in time where my Aunt Em and Uncle Henry already were.”

Alice sat back in her chair, gaze never faltering, but something in her eyes telling Dorothy that she was now lost in her thoughts. “The twister took you both, then.”

“Oh, no,” Dorothy quickly shook her head. “It took the whole house!” The incredulous look she was given had Dorothy managing a laugh. “Yes, that was quite how I felt about it all. We climbed into bed to sleep, but when we left the house, well… We weren’t in Kansas anymore.”

Dorothy took a steady breath, trying to calm her erratic heart rate as she realized she was talking about Oz. When she and Toto had managed to arrive back to the house in Kansas, again, and Dorothy had seen the house rebuilt and the unending plains of her original home, she had thought it had all been a dream. Now, though, being able to speak about it and share the stories that she had kept close to her heart, well. How had she ever thought it was anything except real?

“I fell down a rabbit hole.” The words were silly enough to snap Dorothy out of her racing thoughts, her eyes wide as she looked over to where Alice was giving her a smile. “I followed a curious white rabbit with a pocket watch and fell down a very, very long way.”

“Well.” Dorothy laughed, covering her mouth until she managed to get her words back. “I suppose that’s no stranger than being carried away by a twister or by returning with a pair of silver shoes.”

“Silver shoes?” Alice looked at her with that unnerving gaze once more, but this time it was softer; it was curious. “How did a pair of silver shoes let you leave?”

“They were magical, of course.” Dorothy choked the words out more than she said them, feeling as if she admitted to magic and to Oz then someone would swoop in and accuse her of being a child or simply lying for attention. Alice, however, didn’t even flinch, only nodding and waiting for the rest. “They… I got them in very odd circumstances, but those shoes carried me all across Oz and, in the very end, I clicked them together three times, wished very hard, and appeared back home.”

“I simply woke up,” Alice confided, small words wrapped up in a wavering tone. Once again, Dorothy wondered what ‘hospital’ Alice had been confined to for so many years. “I thought it was all simply a dream, near the end, especially when I woke up with my head on my sister’s lap, as if I had just fallen asleep and hardly any time at all had passed.”

Dorothy had thought it was all a dream, too. Shoes had gotten her home and her time away had been noticed, but Alice, it seemed, had suffered much more doubt. It couldn’t be anything except real, however, Dorothy mused to herself. Seven odd years was a very long time to remember a single dream, after all.

Thinking on what she could say for a moment, Dorothy looked down to Toto, smiling at the wagging tail before looking back to Alice. “Who’s to say there aren’t worlds that must first be visited by dreaming?”

Alice’s gaze snapped to her as quick as a crack appearing in ice, eyes wide and startled before a brilliant smile took over her face. “I rather thought the same myself. Those shoes you mentioned. I don’t suppose…”

“They must fit in order to work,” Dorothy said softly, hugging Toto close and hiding in his fur for just a moment. “They fell off my feet when I first arrived back at my Aunt and Uncle’s. It took weeks to find them and weeks longer to work up the courage to try and use them again but, by that time, I had outgrown them.”

She carried them with her even now, though, wrapped in a dusty old shirt and tucked away at the bottom of her suitcase. She hid them well, but they were always on the front of her mind, Dorothy constantly wondering if there was some other way to make them work. As of yet, nothing had worked.

“Perhaps it’s good that none of this is so easy,” Alice said softly, Dorothy looking over to see the blue moth from last night, Altair, Dorothy had called him, fluttering around Alice’s hair before landing on her outstretched hand. “It would feel wrong, I think, if we didn’t have to fight our way back.”

Dorothy gave a small nod, looking at the brilliant blue wings and remember the kind witches she had met, and the cruel magic she had seen firsthand. There was nothing earthly about that moth; at least, not to someone who knew what unearthly things looked like.

“You know, Alice,” Dorothy said softly. “I think you might be right.” Toto gave a quiet, but vigorous bark of agreement, Alice hiding giggles behind her hand the same time as Dorothy.

Their laughter only stopped when there was a loud rumble of thunder, distant, at first, but growing ever closer. A tilt of her chair and strain of her neck showed Dorothy that the light from the window had near completely vanished during their talk, the sky covered in heavy, gray clouds that were fit to burst.

“It looks like the storm is here,” Dorothy said quietly, looking back to Alice and startled to see she had a wide, almost too wide, grin on her face. “Alice?”

Alice stood up from the table with a flounce of her dress, Altair fluttering up to rest on the top of her headband, as if he was a part of the band itself. “You know,” Alice said, grin turning sharp and mischievous. “There’s nothing quite like a good book when it storms like this.”

Alice, Dorothy decided, was certainly not what her family had been led to believe. Dorothy found that a very comforting thought.

                                               εїз  εїз  εїз

Alice couldn’t help the burst of giggles that would slip past her lips as she darted through familiar halls that were the same as when she had left, only stopping when she reached a stretch of wall without any pictures or frames or important works of art hanging upon it. There was only ugly, off-white wallpaper with little red spade-like patterns that had long since been bleached by the sun. In the center of that stretch of wall, however, was an imprint of what could have been a door if one merely tilted their head and thought about it long enough. The small keyhole, however, was clear as day.

“Is that a door? With no knob?” Dorothy asked curiously, Alice looking down at seeing a blur of movement to see Toto was sniffing along the edges of the door, tail wagging. He really was a sweetheart and, Alice mused, very, very clever. “Why is it covered up like that?”

“It leads to an attic,” Alice explained, holding her hand up to her headband and smiling as she felt soft, skittering little feet crawling onto her hand. “It’s been like this for as long as I can remember, but Altair helped me open it not long before I… left.” Alice could see the burning questions in Dorothy’s eyes, as if to not ask would be a sentence of death, but she stayed silent. She didn’t ask. Alice loved her all the more for it. “I hid every piece of paper that I had ever written on that spoke about Wonderland, but I also found books that are quite different than the ones in our study.”

Lowering her hand to the lock, Alice watched, worried as always, as Altair folded his wings and climbed into the lock, becoming nearly half his size as he crawled inside. She knew he could take care of himself, but she was always worried about the possibility that he could get hurt. He was only so strong outside of Wonderland.

A tense minute passed before a click was heard and the door swung a few inches open, the seam it had left flawless and cut to perfection. Toto barked and ran his way around their feet as Altair crawled out, fluttered his wings as if huffing in distaste before he flew back to rest on Alice’s hand.

“Oh, wow.” Dorothy had her hands clasped together and looked delighted, smiling brightly at them. “That’s incredible.”

“He’s a very incredible moth.” Alice brushed a kiss against one of the wings, laughing when the wing batted at her cheek before Altair fluttered up to rest on her headband again. “Come on, then, and make sure to close the door behind you!”

Alice rushed up the shadowed, dust-covered stairs, searching out the lantern she had hidden away so long ago as she heard the door close and lock behind Dorothy and Toto. By the time her cousin reached the very top of the stairs and made it onto the landing, Alice had the lantern lit, lighting up the piles and piles of books that were stacked around them for what felt like miles.

“You neglected to mention that you have an entire library up here in your attic,” Dorothy said, more surprised than anything else as she looked around, fingertips trailing through layers of old, collected dust. From the floor, Alice heard Toto sneeze a few times, the dog sounding disgruntled by the time he reached his last one. “How many books are there?”

“I’ve never counted,” Alice hummed, walking over to an aged and wooden table with mismatched chairs that once would have been an eyesore if time hadn’t mellowed the colors. Alice set the lantern down carefully, taking a moment to enjoy the soft light as thunder rattled through the walls and floors in a muffled, distant way, the sharp, telling sound of splattering raindrops soon falling.

“It sounds as if the storm has really started,” Dorothy said quietly, bending down to inspect one of the books, Alice only straining her ears for the sound of the storm. They were so much closer to the storm and the sky while being in the attic, but with the massive size of the room they were in, it was as if the storm was a world away. “You have quite the odd attic.”

“Not really, I don’t think.” Alice pushed up her sleeves, turning around three times before setting off towards the stack of books she needed. “I think that if you looked in the attic of every large house there is, you would find a sight much like this. Now, I did promise us a book, and I have just the one that I think you might enjoy.”

Tucked between a stack of books was a green, leather-bound journal that looked as if it had sailed the world five times over. It was weatherworn, sun bleached, and smelled of salt and brine. Alice retrieved it carefully, fingers tracing over the rose compass that was etched into the front cover, the entire book seeming to shimmer when tilted just right.

“I haven’t had the chance to read all of it, yet, but I think that this is a book that you’ll enjoy just as much as I do.” Alice turned around and walked back to the table, striding through the waves of dust and setting the book down within the lamp’s soft light.

Dorothy was drawing closer at once, mumbling out a soft, “It’s beautiful.” Alice agreed wholeheartedly as she carefully unwrapped the leather cord that kept it closed.

“It is, but… It’s beautiful for more than one reason.” Alice sat down and waved for Dorothy to do the same, Alice waiting until Dorothy was right beside her with Toto settled in her lap. “You were taken to your world on a twister and I found mine through dreaming.”

“Yes,” Dorothy said slowly, looking down at the book before her eyes started to widen. Alice beamed, opening the book in a way that pages flipped past them with a lazy grace, showing glimpses of maps and cities that were not in the world they sat in. “Is this…”

Alice grinned, bright and mad and utterly satisfied as she turned to her cousin. “You’ll find, Dorothy, that not all worlds are found on accident.”

Alice spread out the journal and let it settle on the first page, a date scratched into it that showed it was long before their time, but not far enough off to make it impossible. Not impossible, Alice knew, was all they needed.

[last-of-the-dreamers-blog1]

The rest of our lives

This is a Tony x Pepper oneshot :)

I got a little carried away but I hope you enjoy it!

The story starts at the end of Spider-Man Homecoming

Warnings: None

Fluff!

“Happy? You still got that ring?”

Pepper raised her eyebrows.

A ring? What is he even saying?

These were the only words running through her mind. The both of them never even talked about marriage. And who could blame her for not having started this topic considering the life he lead from the moment they started dating. Technically speaking it was worse before they had started dating. Tony Stark – A bachelor ever since. Why would he of all people be mentioning a ring in a situation like that.

It must be a joke!

“Of course!” Happy started fiddling in the pocket of his dress pants. “I’ve been carrying this around since 2008!” He pulled out a ridiculously expensive looking engagement ring. At least it did look like an engagement ring – Pepper could not know that for sure. It appeared to be a platinum ring topped with a single round diamond. The only decorative elements consisting of waves on either side of the band holding the diamond in place. If Pepper hadn’t known any better, she would have definitely thought that Tony must have hired a personal shopper to choose a piece of jewellery as timelessly elegant as the one Happy still held between his index finger and thumb. Maybe Happy actually IS Tony’s secret personal shopper. But this is a thought for another day when there were not more than a hundred journalists waiting. Pepper shook her head to let go of all these unprofessional thoughts which were running through her head. She was here as Virginia Potts – CEO of Stark Industries. Not as Pep – Tony’s girlfriend. But she just couldn’t manage that to a full amount as one thought repeatedly came to her mind.

2008?! That was years ago! What is he even planning?!

Tony invitingly raised his eyebrow telling her something between the lines of “Come on! What can go wrong?” But with him…with this self-destructive, careless, anxiety driven, charming, wonderful human being standing next to her everything could go wrong. Pepper’s brain started to think outrageously fast. Calculating several scenarios to avoid embarrassing both of them in a public engagement and the announcement of a publicly cancelled wedding afterwards. For an innocent bystander the current scene must have looked completely ridiculous: Three people dressed to the nines were standing in front of the closed doors of a room filled with journalists who where actually gathered for another announcement made by the infamous billionaire, playboy, genius and philanthropist Tony Stark. Furthermore, the guy holding the ring looked like he did not belong to what should be an intimate affair between a soon to be husband and wife. The connection between the other two people who were standing mildly closer to each other represented itself crystal clear to even a blind person. As if the situation was not weird enough, the “bride” just raised her eyebrow with her mouth hanging slightly open and stated to the “groom”: “I can think of something better.” Before turning around and entering the room to speak in front of the waiting audience. Little did she know that Tony – ever since full of surprises – followed her on her heels but not before he held his hands open to catch the ring gracefully thrown by one of his oldest friends. Said friend made his way back to his car, a smile plastered on his face, in anticipation to see his best friend happy and save in a committed relationship.

When Pepper entered the room, she was immediately greeted with at least a dozen cameras flashing at the same time and microphones being shoved to her face before she reached the speaker’s desk. But being used to standing in the limelight for a few years now she was acting as a pure professional - walking across the stage with her head held high until she finally reached her destination. She had just started announcing that there would actually be no announcement on this day, as the audience erupted in cheers which lead to her turning her head to a Tony with a microphone in his hand – wherever he managed to get this thing in the last two minutes but being a billionaire had its perks now and then.

The strawberry blonde woman was flabbergasted which honestly did not happen that often. But maybe she was only fed up with the ridiculous ideas of the man she called her partner. “Ladies and gentlemen, I am dearly sorry to say this but…”, Pepper started before she realised that her microphone was not working at all. Her blood started to boil and she felt her heartbeat bumping in her ears. Just because of her boss’s or her boyfriend’s ego, she would not accept being humiliated in front of a crowd by being unprofessional. Her mind worked quickly as she took a step towards Tony to grab the microphone from his hands with an unapologetic smile on her smile.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I am really sorry – actually no I am not – but still there had been a minor change of plans for today.” Tony stated as he sauntered elegantly around Pepper and into the middle of the stage. “Today…” He flashed the whole crowd his signature grin showing his perfectly white teeth in the process. “I will make a more personal announcement.” The audience started to cheer while Peppers heart sank.

He can’t be serious! In a situation like this?

“Virginia Potts. You are not only a reliable part of our workforce here at Stark Industries. Furthermore, you are also an important part in my own private life. Maybe the only truly reliable part there ever was. Therefore – as I am not that good with words when I am flustered as we all know..” He smiled at the crowd once more to get a reaction from the listeners, while Pepper still stood frozen in the same spot. Her heart started to race as she saw him sinking down on one knee in front of her holding the diamond ring Happy had shown her mere minutes ago.

He can’t be -

“Will you marry me?”

Serious!

The next moments lasted a whole lifetime. It felt like eternity to Pepper, to Tony, and to all the people who were sitting in front of a screen at home who were watching the stream of Tony Stark’s highly advertised announcement.

Tony himself was not fully aware of the buzzing room around him – only having his eyes on the woman in front of him. He was not aware of his suit bunching up around his knees as he was kneeling on the floor – only thinking of the woman he truly loved. He was not even aware of the fact that his hands suddenly started to get sweaty. He, Tony Stark, billionaire – genius – playboy – philanthropist, flustered by a woman? And still he could not keep his eyes off of her. His dark brown orbs fixed on the eyes of the only person who mattered to him at this exact moment. A chocolate coloured gaze running to Pepper’s blueish green one which always reminded him off a day at the sea. Maybe he could bring her to the sea? His thoughts started running wild as he was waiting for an answer. As he was totally fixed on the storm happening inside his own body, he did not realise the change going through Pepper’s demeanour. She did not want to say “Yes!”. Well, of course she did. But not in front of an audience, or cameras, or mobile phones. She may was a strong business woman – but she had also dreamed of her dream man, dream proposal and dream wedding as a little girl. Dream man…The last years she spent at Tony’s side rushed through her head. Tony getting kidnapped, Tony getting saved, the Iron Man Suit, many Iron Man Suits, the battle of New York, the Avengers, Iron Legion, the war between the members of the Avengers, so many enemies, will she ever be able to sleep normally being married to a man like that, he was a good man wasn’t he, a bit … a lot of an egomaniac, but also not really … Pepper was not used to having her thoughts running through her mind in an order like that and yet she started focussing on a face. She still could remember that exact moment – like it was yesterday. Tony stepping out of a plane. Blood still visible on his face even despite being clad in a clean suit and tie. Back then she could not hide her smile nor her tears of relief. Did she fall in love with him back then? Did she already love him back then? She could not answer these questions and honestly, she did not want to.

Slowly shaking her head to get these thoughts out of her head, it was her turn to focus her ocean blue eyes on the man kneeling in front of her. Not as collected as usual, she felt a tear forming in the inner corner of her left eye slightly blurring her vision.

“Come on, honey. It is only the rest of our lives!”

There he was again. The Tony the media knew and either loved or hated. Was this HER Tony as well? She felt overwhelmed by her conflicting feelings. She did not want to agree to an engagement because her dear boyfriend could not think of a better way to call off a gathering for an announcement. And still… Happy had this ring since 2008…it sure must mean something….

“Yes….”, she whispered lowly only for Tony to hear.

“What did you say, love?”, his signature smile visible on his face as he stood up, bringing the microphone to his mouth.

“Yes!”, she said once more, now uncomfortable as she started to realise the cameras, and the people, and the lights, … again. She did it. She just got engaged. And she did not know whether it was just a joke or not. Therefore, she did not realise how Tony pulled her in to seal their lips in a kiss which would be all over the news the next day. Nor did she realise how Tony slid the ring on her finger or how Happy grinned when they came back to the car. The ride home was spent in total silence. Tony thought it was because of pure bliss – as that was what he was feeling. Happy thought it was because of pure bliss – because that was what he wanted for his friends. Pepper knew it was because her confusion.

Why did he do it? Is he serious? Will he call it off? Why the hell did I play along?

Once they had arrived at the Avenger’s tower, Pepper immediately left the car and made her way up to their shared apartment leaving it to Tony to receive Happy’s congratulations. She needed time solely to herself right now to make up her mind about the journey lying ahead of her, although a small voice in her head still called the whole proposal a joke. A bad joke – to keep the journalists at bay – to avoid bad publicity and that’s it. Hearing this little voice growing louder and louder inside her mind, she could not help herself but she started to cry. Pepper was weeping silently. She still had not reached their home and so there were people around who should not – under any circumstances – see her cry. This would make a great headline as well: Pepper Potts, devastated after accepting the proposal of her long-time boyfriend Tony Stark. This is not a possibility for her. Tears were now running down her cheeks and dripping to her collar bones. It seemed like a miracle but she was able to catch an empty elevator without being in close contact to an employee or any other person who had god knows what to do in the building.

When Pepper finally reached their apartment, she kicked off her high heels, took the ribbon out of her hair which caused her strawberry blonde length to run over her shoulder, and sank down on the expensive looking leather couch in the middle of the living room. She could not take it anymore. Every emotion welling inside her chest and running wild inside her head broke loose. Her silent cries turned to deep sobs which were vibrating in the air. The picture that presented itself was a miserable one. A woman of power breaking down because she did – for once – not know what was going on in her life. The scene was replaying again and again. She could see Tony in front of her inner eye – on his knee with the ring between his fingers. The Ring! Pepper had nearly forgotten about the ring. Carefully, she glanced down to her ring finger taking the ring in with all his beauty. There was a small inclusion visible in the otherwise perfectly polished diamond. Raising her hand into the sunbeams reaching her from the nearby window, she could see this imperfection even more clearly. She was not mad about that – it even made the ring more charming.

He would not buy something like that. He can afford everything. What does that mean? It is a joke. It must be.  

At these thoughts, her eyes started to fill with tears once again. A low sob got caught in her throat but she did not want to give in to it – not anymore.

“Ya like what you see, Pep?” The smirk even noticeable in Tony’s voice. Pepper had been too preoccupied with examining her ring, to hear Tony entering the apartment. Before she answered him, she lowered her hand and straightened her posture, but did not turn around to look him in the eyes. Too proud to let him see her during such a vulnerable moment.

“Why did you do it?”, now her feelings lay noticeable in her voice. Tony’s face fell. Instead of his almost always present grin, he furrowed his eyebrows and the delicate lines around his mouth got more visible than ever.

“What do you mean? I love you! That’s why I –“, he walked across to room to stand in front of Pepper. Even without having her look him into his eyes, he knew she had been crying. Without second thoughts, he lowered himself down on one knee in front of her – for the second time on this day. The view was like a slap in the face for Pepper. She did not want to recall the moment. She was dearly convinced that everything was just a cheap PR gag.

How can he play with a person’s feelings like that. I thought he had changed…

“Tony. You did it because Peter left. It was just your emergency plan. Tomorrow we will do a press statement and everything will be over. I – I can’t do it. Not like that.” Pepper wanted to keep herself contained. A woman who has been through so much more, a CEO of a huge company, a modern businesswoman should not cry because of a man – because of the simple guy, the man kneeling in front of her. Her body was shaking when she made up her mind and reached to her finger. “I can’t do it….” Her voice was breaking as she slipped the ring off her finger and let it fall into his now opened palm. Tony looked confused. Now it was his turn to have his chest flooded with a million different thoughts and feelings – many of which he had never felt before. And some of those he could have felt before, but he never allowed himself to do so. “You think I just asked you because of the journalists…” He spoke more to himself than to Pepper, although the woman did her best to avoid the man’s gaze. It did not take him long to regain his composure. Quickly he got rid of his suit jacket and tie throwing both pieces to the floor next to the couch. While Pepper was still avoiding his gaze, he dropped down on one knee – for the third time – and raised the ring to her face. Now the redhead was not able to look away anymore and locked her eyes with the brown orbs slightly beneath her own. At this moment Tony could see the outcome of the whole disaster. Mascara draining Pepper’s porcelain cheeks with greyish black tears, her nose red and puffy and her eyes swollen from crying. He wanted to let his head sink down as hope drained from his body, but it was his only chance to not lose the woman he truly loved.

“Pep. Honey. I know…the timing…the timing may have been a bit of…”

>Come on Stark! Get it together! You are not shy for words!<

“I had this planned for a long time…well …planned it differently. I wanted to take you out somewhere. A small bistro, nothing big. I thought about taking you to Paris. But that would have been too much so I thought about the tiny one just down the road. We wouldn’t even need a car. We could just walk there. It is a nice place. Nice food as well. We could have spent a nice evening there and then I would have asked you. I mean we can still spend a nice evening there. I mean if you want…”

Pepper had never observed him rumbling like that. He merely looked like a little boy who did not know what words to use to ask for a forbidden fruit. A grin conquered her face, the tears nearly forgotten although the traces still visible on her cheeks. As Tony saw this slightest form of a smile his courage returned.

“Happy was not lying when he said he was carrying this since 2008.”, he said referring to the ring. “It was back then when I decided you will be the only woman I will ever get to marry. Did you … did you see the small bubble inside the diamond.” He tried to point at the small imperfection but his fingers where actually too big which drew a hearty laughter from Pepper. “I chose this one on purpose…”

HE chose it? Pepper’s heart got warm. He chose it for ME.

“I thought … I mean … it would sum us … would sum me up pretty well. Me with this thing in my chest…” His gaze turned away from her, and she knew he was drifting off to a dark cave in a distant country. To save him from his inner demons, she grabbed his hand which was not holding the ring and linked her fingers with his bigger ones. Both of their now entangled hands settling down in her lap. This small gesture was enough for Tony to return to the present, to turn his back to his darkest memories – at least for this moment. Tony cleared his throat before he continued his monologue.

“I had this thing in my chest. I mean this thing made me, it created me. It created all of what I am now. But it still is my pressure point. The best and the worst side of me. This small imperfection … this bubble in the diamond…I mean it is the worst side of the diamond and still its best feature. It does not look like all of the other diamonds in a store. It makes the stone special; it adds character to it. I know you usually don’t like things which are a bit rough around their edges but you still chose me – despite of all my edges. Over and over again it was always me. I think it represents us: You are my best feature, while I am your worst.”

He had put a lot of thought into choosing the ring. This realisation hit Pepper. At the same time a wave of guilt ran over her. She judged him completely wrong – she could have and should have known better.

“I will ask you again, Pep. And believe me. This is the last time you will see me on my knees for a very long time…” He looked straight into her blueish eyes; smiles spread over the lovers’ faces. Pepper felt a tug on her heart. This mess in front of her – her mess – was her home and always will be. With a grin on his face which was entirely different from his signature grin. A grin which was only reserved for Pepper and people nearly as close to him, he spoke the magic words.

“Pep. Will you become my wife?”

No more words were needed as she answered him with a kiss.

The ring – however – slipping back onto her finger in the tangle of limbs that followed afterwards. 

[bentchcreates]

Start Here, Stories of First Encounters 

Let me just say this right off the bat, I’m giving this 6 of 5 Stars! First of all, the editors and my co-authors deserve the 5.5 of 5 Stars. This is my favorite book this year, cheesy for me to say, but it is! I’m giving a half star more for my own story because I’m very proud of this, okay? :P I’ll talk more about that on a separate blog post, haha.

To begin, I want to thank the editors (and our PM, Hi Mina!) for coming up with this anthology. The intros by Ron and Brij, in itself, were already strong messages to those who are looking for contemporary romance that represents Filipinos of this time, LGBTQIAP or not. It perfectly put out the reasons behind the conception of this anthology, as well as the hope that this sparks a flame towards more Queer Romance and Queer HEA in Philippine Literature.

1. In the Moonlight by Agay Llanera

This was a sweet start to set the tone for the rest of the stories. It’s an awesome sequel to my other favorite, Another Word For Happy. And like what I said in my review for AWFH last year, Caleb seems to have been made after my own heart.

I wish I was exaggerating, but the indecision, the awkward reaction to ‘the kiss’, the hyperawareness to the smallest of things, IT ME! When I was Caleb’s age, at least. LOL. And I’m sure a lot of gay people (maybe not even gay people, everyone, really) will find it relatable one way or another.

What Caleb is better than me, though, is his courage towards the end of the story. He did something I never would’ve been able to do. And I hope when others read this, they’d be inspired to be braver, too.

2. Come Full Circle by Bobbi Moran

I love me some slow burn romance and huhu, the slow burn in this one killed me (in a good way!).

This short felt quite episodic as the characters are shown through different stages of them finding themselves – and eventually, love – but that slow progression allowed me to really root for them to be together at the end.

I found the attention to detail fascinating (especially the architectural ones when Alana and Marion went on a holiday) but what I loved most about this is the accuracy of tiptoeing in a relationship when one is still unsure where the other one stands. I mean, relationships are already complicated without the whole guessing-and-hoping-the-other-one-plays-on-the-same-team narrative, but add in sexual confusion (and tension!) and you’re in for a wild, but nonetheless more interesting, ride. This story tied to a full circle satisfyingly.

3. Gorgeous by Motsie Dapul

This is probably my first F/enby romance and it certainly lived up to its title. This might also be the first fiction story I’ve read using the singular they/them pronoun and while it took me about a minute to re calibrate my [faulty] sense of grammar, it wasn’t jarring and it told Jays and the MC (I’m not 100% sure she was named, I need to reread the story, stat!)more genuinely for me.

It is also somewhat a variation of the enemies to lovers trope which is always interesting. I’m happy to note that there is grovel. :) 

I think what I want to focus more about this story is how something that happened years ago, something that seemed small and irrelevant to you, might mean a whole different world to another person. And simple things like words said haplessly, or actions that weren’t well thought of in our youth, could still impact us as adults no matter how much we’ve changed in the time in between.

This story tells and awesome story of discovering one’s self, discovery of love, and acceptance of the MC’s past, present and future with Them. :)

4. Shipping Included by Danice Sison

Can this be any cuter?? <3 <3 <3

I will admit that I didn’t get all the KPop references but I know those who are knowledgeable (and obsessed) with oppas will appreciate and enjoy this.

Done in alternating POVs between the protagonists, David and Kiko, the story’s strength lay on the well-rounded characterization of the heroes, as well as the kids who made their meetcute extra cute! There is a glimpse of what it must be like to be a Filipino KPop fan while also focusing the spotlight on those who don’t share the dedication but support their loved one’s hobbies nonetheless.

The Kuya and Tito may not be in their girls’ fandoms but Kpopocalypse gave them (all of us, really) a different reason to swoon and make fingerhearts at each other.  

5. Delubyo by Barbie Barbieto

This is beautifully written.

This was the first work from the author that I’ve read and I loved it so much, it made me seek out her other work. Haha. The style and flow of words are smooth and easygoing, it hooked me up real quick.

Add to that is Pebbles’ odd four-month relationship rule which I thought was mean at first, but actually makes so much sense and is understandable from someone who’s constantly afraid to put her heart on the line. Still, I don’t tolerate it. (I loved this so much, I’m super invested and I want to have a talk with Pebbles bec huhu, the poor ex-girlfriends! LOL)

I love the progression of her feelings towards Gabrielle, told brilliantly somewhere in the middle of the story – after that awesome beginning! It made the ending such a relief and a source of immense kilig!

6. The Other Story by H. Bentham

*sly grin emoji*

7. Blooms and Hues by Ella Banta

I loved the softness of the themes in this short story, reminiscent of Gay YA fiction I used to devour in college (from foreign authors like Brian Sloan, Alex Sanchez, John Hall, etc.) and the short films I still find on YouTube from time to time.

It is a lovely addition to this anthology, despite not being heavy on the romance like the other stories, especially since being queer in this country, love, relationships - and matters of the heart in general - are less likely to be this soft and dreamy. (At least during my time as an actual young adult. IDK, maybe kids these days are allowed this gay tenderness we weren’t given access to. It wasn’t even such a long time ago, I mean…anyway, that’s not what this review is all about. I got distracted. lol)

The artistic MC and LI are adorable. And flowers! I’m never not in love with stories where flowers come into play.

8. Another First by Yeyet Soriano

I admit that I felt scared to continue with this once it was established that Jess, the MC, is in a long term relationship at the beginning of the story. I dislike scenes with messy break-ups due to cheating, but I soldiered on and was greatly relieved that this didn’t go that way.

I liked that the characters acted like the adults that they are and that this did not turn into a rehash of popular love-triangle telenovela plots. I especially loved the part where things had to settle down and fall into place for all characters (Jess, Lili and even Matt) separately at first – on a personal level – before the romance could be resolved. It showed a healthy depiction of self-discovery and acceptance a little bit later in life.

9. Luck from the Skies by Katt Briones

This one I’ve actually read before the book came out and ugh, rereading it second, third and fourth time did not make it less wonderful! The characters have supporting roles from Katt’s other book, Chasing Mr. Prefect, but the timeline here is before that book’s time.

I liked the fictional artista/modeling angles and the progression of friendship between Chan and Asher towards a romantic ship (#ChaSher5everr!!!). The rainy weather theme is also very Filipino and how it plays in the advancement of the plot is just brilliant! And kilig! So kilig!

Sab is defineitely a scene stealer (I love bestfriends!) but since the romance was so strong in the first place, she didn’t overshadow my boys. LOL.

Also, prepare to crave bulalo!  

10. Lemon Drop Friday by Brigitte Bautista.

“Here goes [Brij] again, making a mess [with my heart]”

When I was reading the review copy and got to this point in the book, I stopped for a full day before I started this story. Part of me knew I would breeze through it and I didn’t want the book to end just yet. And I was right.

Brij did it again! Made me fall in love with her mastery of words and then made me cry because this was so good and so satisfying.

I was highlighting passages throughout the book (for review notes) but with this one, I couldn’t even stop to highlight words, I just wanted to fully immerse in that universe and feel the love, and the fear of rejection, and the ultimate HEA where these messy girls finally, finally got together!

I have a favorite quote (aside from the mis-quote above. Lol)

“If she looked at me a tad longer, she would figure it out.”

Argh! MY HEART! I loved Tala’s POV so much! It’s quirky and funny and honest and SO relatable. I’m done talking about this because I WILL SPOIL IT FOR EVERYONE so please get the book and read it! :P

To end, again I want to thank everyone who worked (and continue to work hard to promote) this book! I cannot fully express into words how important this is to me, as well as to others who might need these stories in their lives (whether they know it or not). I hold this dear this not because it is among the first queer books from #romanceclass, but more because all were written with wonderful skill and heart. Each story offers something unique for the reader who might be reading queer for the first time as well as someone looking for themselves in the written page,

We yearned so much to be represented well. We craved for stories we can connect to on a deeply personal level. We waited for our happy endings, in fiction at the very least.. This is definitely the beginning of us getting all that. And more.

Blurb:

There’s a first time for everything. Gatecrashing a KPop concert with an oppa in a business suit. Taking shelter from the storm with the girl you’ve been meaning to shake off. That kiss that blurs the line between friendship and something more. A one-night stand (or, is it?) with your best friend from across the hallway.

Dive into these 10 stories of first encounters – unapologetically queer, happy endings required, with a smattering of that signature #romanceclass kilig. Whether you’re recalling your own firsts or out there looking for one, there’s a story in here for you.

So, go on.

Turn the page.

Start here.

Edited by Ronald S. Lim and Brigitte Bautista. Featuring short stories by Agay Llanera, H. Bentham, Ella Banta, Danice Sison, Yeyet Soriano, Barbie Barbieto, Katt Briones, Bobbi Moran, Motzie Dapul, and Brigitte Bautista. This anthology contains M/M, F/F, F/NB romance stories with happy endings. Some stories have a high heat level.

Release Date: January 27, 2018

Book Cover Design: Dani Hernandez

Additional Photography: Alexandra Urrea & Chachic Fernandez

Buy Links:

Pre-order Start Here on Amazon: bit.ly/rcStartHere Order Start Here on paperback (PH only): bit.ly/StartHere-PrintPH

Add Start Here on Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/37880247-start-here

Author links:

Katt Briones: @kttbri (Twitter& IG)

Ella Banta:  @gabbie_ellaine (Twitter) , @ellamaepot (IG),  gabrielluna.wordpress.com (blog) , https:// www.facebook.com/ ellabantawriting/ (FB)

Agay Llanera:  http:// amzn.to/ 2k2gj34.(Amazon)

Yeyet Soriano: @ysrealm (Twitter & IG) @Yeyetsorianowrites (FB), www.yeyetsoriano.com (blog), yeyetms@gmail.com

Danice Sison: @hastyteenflick (Twitter)

Bobbi Moran: bobbimoran26@gmail.com

Motzie Dapul: FB.com/atemozzarella, FB.com/atemozzarellastories, @atemozzarella (Tumblr) , mozzarellastories.wordpress.com (blog), motzie.dapul@ gmail.com.

Barbie Barbieto: @barbiebarbieto (Twitter),  barbiebarbieto.com (blog) 

H. Bentham: this is me. heh.

Editors: 

Brigitte Bautista: @brijbautista (Twitter & IG), brijbautista.wordpress.com (blog)

Ronald S. Lim: @tristantrakand (Twitter), ronlim20@gmail.com

[alittleroseandhoneyblog-blog]

DON’T fake it until you make it!

Until recently I would have told you that self love is made up a few moving parts- taking an active interest in what makes you happy (and doing it) and embracing the glorious messes that we are all known to be – to feed those insecurities and build them up to turn them into our biggest assets and most importantly to be so incredibly strong and unapologetically yourself no matter what the peanut gallery has to say – and for someone who preaches self love on a daily basis I am here to tell you that I have gotten it COMPELTELY wrong and although I may have encouraged some (if only one) to maybe love themselves a little more to celebrate their every “flaw” (because you are the only one who sees it) I have failed to realize that self love (care) is beyond skin deep – that self love isn’t just about taking selfies, or going to the gym- it’s not even about celebrating my wins anymore.  

I failed to realize that self love, self care, self anything begins with how we treat ourselves outside of the perfectly staged Instagram photo that is meant to make you think “her life is so perfect” and “she has it all figured out”-

WRONG

She does not have it figured out- its just one of those fake it until you make it kind of things…

We are ALL guilty for it.

But while we are all out there faking it- we are slowly losing who we are and without even realizing it we are causing ourselves more harm then good, and let’s be honest what woman has ever found any joy wanting to fake it–  not to mention the long term effects that not addressing certain feelings, situations, trauma or even certain reactions you may be having can actually seriously f*ck us up and let me tell you no amount of self celebration or selfies can fix the emotional and psychological pain that your body is actually going through internally.

I did not realize how much my own psychological pain was hurting me, (physically) and how bad it has been getting and it wasn’t until recently when I was able to sit down with someone who was able help me understand everything (physically) I have been feeling, I needed to get a better understanding of what was going on inside of me- to be honest, I needed it all to make sense, I needed someone to tell me that I wasn’t going crazy- that’s Insomnia during the bad nights or the nightmares when I could sleep was my way of allowing myself to heal, that being exhausted all the damn time or not being able to concentrate or find desire to do anything was a normal reaction to everything, that panic attacks, or edginess and agitation did not define me and if you read that whole paragraph back you will notice that I used the words “I need” a lot, but that’s exactly what I am talking about- THAT’S self love!!! Putting yourself first - I needed something for myself and instead of taking care of everyone else and allowing those feelings to consume me I asked for help- I got what I needed and for the first time in months I am starting to feel better.  

In my opinion (and many others) I have never been an angry person, I get along with many people – I tend to stay positive and find a reason to smile even through the chaos- I am not easily stressed out and I’ve been taught to account for the monkey wrench, but over the past few weeks Its been made very clear to me that I have become an angrier version of myself, a different Jenna most days-and I am not loving Jenna 2.0 or less then 2.0 at this point- my walls have been built so high that the thought of someone near me, let alone touching me makes my skin crawl – intentional or not – how do you think my husband feels when I ask him not to touch me – (when it’s really all he wants to do)

So, you take those things and you relive them EVERY DAMN DAY – your body constantly feels like you’re on pins and needles – your stomach feels like it’s in your throat and the thought of food makes you so sick that you just don’t want to eat, so you don’t- and the next day you feel the same way, and then the next day and then the next until it becomes so normal to not eat and before you know it you’re dealing with an eating disorder that is made to look like a “healthy” weight loss- and once people start to  compliment you on how good you look it releases happy endorphins that you almost begin to chase that high since it’s the only time you feel good about yourself… but guess what, starving your body isn’t healthy and it f*cks with your head and if there is one relationship you don’t want to ruin it’s your relationship with your food - but here we are -  struggling.

Let’s touch on that for a second though- relationships….

Frig have I ever been wrong about this one - Downfall of a type A personality, you see the good in everyone even when the writing in on the wall.

I used to think that everyone deserved the benefit of the doubt - that if you showed kindness in return kindness will be shown to you – but after having met the devil himself I have come to realize that not everyone comes to your table with the best intentions for you.  (If you’re at my table we best be having a pot luck type of feast!)

I learned that the hard way though both personally and professionally and I am still trying to wrap my head around this one,  I have come to realize that I have been afraid to eat alone and that maybe what people actually thought of me means more to me then what I want to admit or maybe it still does, who knows, but since I can remember, I have held onto relationships that have ended up being so toxic for me-that had no benefit to me, I stayed in relationships, friendships, jobs etc  all because I was always to afraid to do what was best for me- I’ve trusted people that never should have known I had a trusting nature and if I am being honest those experiences have left me questioning who I am as a person to the point where I have no desire to even be myself anymore- I just don’t have the energy anymore.

I can honestly tell you- I don’t know who I am supposed to be right now, the girl who smiles too much especially at a man is quickly assumed to be interested in him and if you do speak to a man confidently or with excitement it is again quickly mistaken as flirty and an invitation to pursue you and if you are simply a driven woman who is confident in her own skin then you are open to unwanted advances and considered difficult if not worse for not entertaining them –

Reality check Jenna 2.0 –

someone ALWAYS has something to say - and I get it, that’s life- people hurt people, and sadly it’s usually the ones you end up putting all that trust into but when you’re already your own worst enemy and already questioning your own self worth it becomes easy for them to “win”,  for them to deliberately break you because they have already found what you’re most insecure about, and they won’t hesitate to hurt you, because again the only person at your table that is hungry enough for YOUR self growth is you, everyone else is just there for the snack.. legit.

And if growing up has taught me anything, it’s that words DO hurt and people use them whenever it suits them and those words (and actions, unfortunately) can follow you for days, months or even years before the psychological effects have worn off, if they ever do? I say this because I am living this right now – I cannot shut down my brain-I keep replying conversations and situations that I wish I could have handled differently – so many things left unsaid and there is no closure -  and I would rather someone just throw a god damn stone for once because at least broken bones heal-It’s been months and I am still waiting for the whole “time heals all”  thing to happen that I keep hearing about-  and yes, I am angry that I have allowed someone to take my identity away from me, that I have allowed someone to make me question my own self worth and my own strength and I forgot for a quick second that I am not this little girl who needs saving, that I AM smart enough and strong enough to stand up and do what is right, and shame on them for being the person that needed to break someone to find even a little joy in their pathetic life. (ugh, there’s that anger again)  But honestly I allowed my own lack of self worth to dictate how I spent my last few month – and I am realizing now that although I may look healthier on the outside– there is a storm inside me that is wild and unmanaged and when pushed even just a little bit - what’s left of that small fuse I have is easily triggered and no one wants to be around someone who just snaps!  And to all my friends and family that have been on the receiving end of my anger (which is mostly my husband) I am sorry and truthfully, I hate the person I have become, and I do not blame any of you for feeling the same way!  

Self love or self care is about ensuring all the dots are connected-that you do the things that make you happy all while embracing the mess – encouraging a healthy relationship with not only your food but with your everyday conversations, the people you allow in your life, your interactions with social media, your body image, your friends and family- even complete strangers- you control ALL of that- and for the first time in a while – I am finally taking back my control!  

I am not sitting over here preaching about anxiety or depression or asking for a pity party for myself – What I am trying to tell you is that self love can go way beyond managing those two things and if left untreated, I can assure you that you will live a miserable life and in return will make those around you just as miserable even if you don’t mean to!  If I can leave you with one thought- there is no shame in asking for help when you are no longer able to help yourself! - The first step starts with you!  #findyourhappy

[scottyunfamous]

#RunningWilde Ch. 39 | Fire & Ice

And it hurts so bad when you know it

What can you do, love?

When I run again chasing

You know it, know it

If it's a game I call, I'll cheat it

Just what can I do, love?

It's a dance we both do and we know it

We know it, we know it

-The Chase

Sohn

*

"We're wasting ammo shooting at this fucking tree," Dougie grunted as he reloaded his clip. "Screw this, I'm gonna go take him out."

Aiden furrowed his brow and stuck his arm out blocking Dougie's determined advance, "I don't think that will be necessary." Long tendrils of ebony tresses danced erratically in the air in the manner of a white flag used for surrender. It was the wig gripped between Ava's fingers.

"I'm coming out. Please don't shoot."

Dougie snapped his fully loaded clip back into place and resumed his battle stance, ignoring the 'stand down soldier' look Aiden flashed him. Where Aiden was blind it was Dougie's job to see what his best friend and leader couldn't or refused to.

"I've got this," he assured him, pushing back with a touch more force.

"I know bruv, but just in case you don't, I've got you, aight?"

Aiden put his hand down and nodded. Ava was harmless but she wasn't by alone anymore and lord knows what Yang had put into her head. All those weeks of progress that they'd made felt like they were dissipating and trickling away like sand between his fingers. He lowered his gun a little "Drop the wig and keep your hands where I can see them."

"Are you going to shoot me?"

"Haven't decided yet," Dougie interjected.

"Dougie..." Aiden warned under his breath.

Dougie smiled his slippery smile and shrugged. He was nothing but honest and extremely unapologetic about it, and when you had the kind of disturbingly accurate, quick fingered temperament as he did, you could afford the luxury.

Ava looked at Max; how on earth was this going to work? He brushed the back of his hand against hers, his skin casting a promise that no matter what, she was going to be okay. It was hard to believe it when the heads of the Diamond Mafia had landed enough bullets in their shield to take down an entire herd of wild animals, which were meant for them, but the certainty that Max exuded made her want to. So she did. She swallowed. "...Aiden?"

"I want to see Yang first."

The faith that Max instilled in her only moments ago shrivelled up in an instant. There was a chance that she could survive Aiden, but not Max. Beyond being his enemy, she knew he wasn't fond of her fondness for her friend. He'd never said it, but he didn't have to. He was an alpha male, possessive and egotistical. That fused with his fixation with her, made Max a threat. "No," she said quickly, her voice coming out panicked. Max's plan was a good one in theory but Aiden was proving to be as unpredictable as she'd anticipated. She was going to have to work off of instinct if she wanted them to have half a chance. "You'll hurt him. It's me you want." She stepped out from behind the bullet-worn tree with her hands in the air feeling the breeze fly past her as Max's startled hands tried to grab her back. Boldly out in the open, her shock of pink hair drew eyes from far and wide. She could feel them on her, taking notice, squinting and studying her features, putting two and two together, their curious voices carried on the wind wondering if it was her, Vince Lockewood's not-so-secret-anymore daughter. This is part of why she'd chosen such a striking shade, so that she would draw attention, so that somebody, anybody would get her the hell outta Dodge. They looked from her to Michaels with his gun pointed in her direction...

...And nobody did a damn thing.

These were her father's men, and nobody came for her. This had to be Chris's doing. There was no other explanation as to why she could be in plain sight in obvious danger and not so much as a step was taken in her direction. Witnessing it only made the pang of unwarranted betrayal that much sharper. Fuck 'em, she didn't need them. All that mattered was her and Max. "I'll go with you, just leave Max alone."

Aiden narrowed his eyes and her and cocked his head to the side in his calculating way, "Didn't I tell you to drop the wig, Ava-Marie?" Now his gun was trained on her. He pulled the clip back.

Ava's eyes widened and her heart shuddered at the sound of war being raged on her. She was certain that having a gun pulled on her would never feel normal or less panic-strickening. She couldn't get how these men and woman of the underworld encountered it so calmly. Either they'd had it happen to them so many times that they were used to it, they had some bizarre unflappable confidence that they would be the survivor of these standoffs...or that the calm was a bold-faced lie. That underneath the mask of their gangster personas, that they were all as terrified as she was. She had to think fast. "I'm sorry!" She threw the wig to the right as if it had caught on fire.

In the few seconds it took for the wig to distract the Mafia leader's attentions, Max sprung from behind the tree.

BANG!

The bullet pierced right through Dougie's kneecap and the silent killer let out a ghastly noise of a delusional immortal, his disillusion blasted to pieces and the acceptance that he too was just a man forced upon him.

Dougie never got shot.

Ava's slippery hands gripped the spare pistol Max had handed her that she'd concealed beneath the wig, and pointed it shakily at her sweet tormenter.

So this is what I was like to hold a gun. Cold. Hard. Heavy -in more ways than one. It felt dangerous, and powerful...and wrong. She wasn't the type of a girl who held guns, let alone pointed them at people with the intent to shoot. She had the power to take another human's life at the twitch of her fingers and it was even scarier than having a gun pointed at her. This kind of power was bathed in black with a 'NO WAY OUT' sign glaring back at her in the midst of the darkness. There was no way to come back from something like that. She imagined that after killing someone that your soul would be permanently disfigured and that it would haunt you and torment you until you met the same permanent fate as your victim.

It would be easier to point it at Dougie. He hated her, he wanted her dead. Against Dougie, the gun was protection, but Aiden...

Against Aiden her feelings about it was like everything else. Conflicted.

The whites of his eyes blazed bright enough to set fire to his enemies, making the black coffee of his irises more deathly. She'd tricked him and now his best friend had a bullet in his leg, growling through bared teeth as he dropped to the ground and the morning dew on the green grass began to drown in red.

Dougie never got shot. Ever.

The scratching, clawing and incessant rattling against Aiden's ribcage halted. His beast drew back then broke into a gluttonous run, hungry for disaster, and hurtled itself toward the surface at the speed of light and sound combined, crashing through his bones and spreading rapidly like a line of cocaine into the bloodstream.

He pointed his gun at Max.

"Don't!" she yelped, the gun slipping a little between her nervous fingers.

Her sweet, desperate voice halted him. It halted him and he hated her for it. She made him weak and her hated her for it because he kept halting and going against is nature for this fucking exquisitely maddening woman. "Or what, Ava-Marie?" he snarled.

He sounded demented. She was aware of the monster and the situation grew all the more terrifying because he was. That was when the adrenaline kicked in. She copied the stance Max had shown her briefly behind the tree and something like fire tingled in her bones. An understanding. A desire. The lust for power that had driven so many before her was giving birth in her veins. "I'll...I'll shoot you."

She was maddening.

Aiden fixed his gaze on her, bared his white teeth and stormed forward.

"AVA!" Max roared, "AVA, SHOOT HIM!" He would have done it himself but although Dougie was badly injured, he wasn't out of the game just yet. His face flickered between his sinister grin and a grimace as he stealthily dragged his wounded body across the grass to reach his weapon. Max wanted to kill him, but getting rid of Michaels's best friend before Ava was safe couldn't possibly bode well for them. The plan was crashing and burning right in front of his eyes and the feeling of faith fading that Ava had felt was now plaguing him. If Max didn't kill Dougie or Aiden now then he would be dead, but if he did, with the way Michaels was coming for her, Ava would be. He wanted to shoot Aiden but he couldn't afford to take his eyes off of his injured opponent. Wounded or not, this was still Dougie Monroe. "SHOOT HIM!"

Aiden was coming hard and fast. Her hand shakily followed the knotted spot between his eyebrows –the kill shot Max instructed her to take when he'd given her the plan. In her panic at losing this chance to get away, she'd said yes, and despite the fire of desire in her bloodstream, agreeing to kill a man, a terrible man, seemed as simple as it was to let him live. As simple as it was to breathe. His death would be the release of the breath she'd been holding; the one that pressed hard against her ribs and turned her face blue since he'd disrupted her reality and painted it black. But it wasn't simple. It was as complex as their relationship had become, with so much good and evil merged together that to make a final decision made her head hurt and her heart ache. She'd be free...but she'd be a murderer, and then she'd be no better than he was. 

She curled her finger tighter around the trigger...

"AVA, DO IT. NOW, AVA!" Dougie was within reach of his weapon. "KILL HIM!"

Kill him? Kill Aiden? Take his life and remember that she did it for the rest of hers.

She turned the gun on herself.

Her had stopped trembling then. The flames of power burned brighter and made her eyes glow. She closed her eyes. She exhaled.

"NO!"

Aiden whacked the pistol out of her hand with such a force that it flew across the graveyard and disappeared into the bushes. The whites of his eyes stood out stark against his black skin, wide with alarm as he yanked her to him. He held her unbearably tightly against his chest, his wild heart thudding against her, gripping her white dress between his bloodstained fingers and burying his nose in her valentine curls. It lasted all but one fleeting moment; the fear of losing her pushing away the escalating violence of his beast...and then he spun with her still clutched to him, to face Max.

He fired.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

The blasts of gunfire were accented by Ava's muffled screams and Max's war cries as Aiden emptied his clip into each one of his limbs, starting with his knees.

She struggled against the solid bulk of his arm, biting and clawing at him with all of the fight she had in her, but he was too strong. She couldn't get to Max. He'd come to save her and even her best efforts wouldn't allow her to save him. Howling and crying, she whipped around violently, her swan song the harmony to the fading sounds of Max's screams. The fire that once graced her veins burned out and turned her whole body cold with ice that spread like a virus until it hit her heart. The last candle that had flickered so precariously in the wind finally went out. It felt like dying.

Max became silent. His blood seeped into the grass and roots of the forsaken willow tree as the stone angel looked on.

Aiden grabbed Ava by the shoulders and forced her to look up at him. He looked different; soul stifled and empty again. The tyrant she knew him to be when they'd first met. And she feared him the way she was supposed to. Whatever small changes her presence had inspired within him were erased. He'd gone back to black.

He didn't utter a word. He didn't have to. Everything that needed to be said was emblazoned across his heart-breaking features.

I am Aiden Michaels.

The weight of his true self had never really hit her until then, and it was crushing and exasperating. He was still a god but not one to be revered. He was Hades incarnate and she, ashamedly, was his Persephone. He'd taken everything from her so that she had nothing but him.

She didn't want him.

"I hate you."

He merely blinked at her venom, unaffected. She had every right to hate him but it wouldn't change anything. He'd made a promise and even if it damned them both he was going to keep it. When all he did was motivated by money, respect, power and heartlessness, there was something noble about at least keeping his word, no matter the promise. He gripped her wrist and marched her over to Dougie's side, blocking out her god awful screaming when her eyes finally rested on Max.

"Can you walk?" he asked Dougie over the harrowing sound.

"I don't know yet?" he said, his fingers nipping at his gun until he dragged it back to him.

Aiden stuck out his hand. "Hold onto me. We're leaving." He hoisted Dougie up and slipped his arm under him for support. Dougie gritted his teeth as the pain shot through his nervous sytem, and growled. "Your sister is going to kill me."

Dougie glared over Aiden's shoulder at Ava; "Good."

Her eyes hadn't left Max. He was barely breathing now. Short, sharp, shallow breaths and the lulling flutter of his eyelids were the only indication that he hadn't gone just yet but that he was close. He looked like he was drifting off to sleep, as if peace was coming to gently whisk him away into an eternal night filled with so many trillions of stars that it would be like re-joining the universe rather than leaving hers. She couldn't bear it.

Aiden yanked her forward and she dug her bare heels into the ground. "NO! NO, I'M NOT LEAVING HIM. I'M NOT GOING WITH YOU. MAX!" she cried so hard that the sound made her voice raw and tears ran like rivers down her face, "MAAAXXX, GET UP PLEASE. PLEASEEEE!"

"Stop it," he snarled tightening his grip on her wrist.

"MAX!"

She struggled again but with Dougie relying on him to keep him upright, holding onto her was even harder than before.

"LET ME GO!" She swung at him and her fist connected with the stab wound his mother had given him. Aiden roared and let her go so as not to drop Dougie. She ran to Max, wanting to throw herself across him and shield him from every evil, but as she collapsed onto her knees at his side and surveyed the horrors of Aiden's bullet wounds in very joint his arms and legs, she knew it was too late. "Max, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to do... there's so much blood." Her hands waved over him wanting to cradle him but fearing that she would only make it worse. "Please don't die." He turned his head slowly to look at her and twitched his fingers. She clutched them tenderly, "Your body temperature is dropping. We need to get you to a hospital. Do you have your phone?" She began to pat him down frantically

"Ava..." he groaned.

She stopped and grabbed his hand again. "Yes?"

"...Run."

Before she could process his warning, Aiden came up behind her and jerked her from him. He slapped his hand over her mouth, "Quiet!" his voice was less harsh, "We have to go, now. Say goodbye," he nodded at Max, who despite his dwindling life force, managed to glare at him with as much contempt as any man hold.

"I'm not fucking com_"

"Ava-Marie," he hissed impatiently, "More cars are pulling up and they are not your father's men. Someone let them know you're here." He narrowed his eyes at the Syndicate men wondering who had snitched and vowing to kill them as soon as he had the chance. "They have seen you now_"

"I don't care."

"They will kill you."

"I DON'T_"

He covered her mouth again and flared his nostrils, "Well I do. Come quietly or I'll shoot him in the head right in front of you, and you will never get to say goodbye or get that image out of your head."

More tears blurred her vision as she looked back down at Max. "I love you, Max. You're my best friend and the greatest man I've ever known and I'm so sorry that I wasn't strong enough to do what had to be done." She laid her hand on his chest and her voice broke, "I'll never forget you."

"C'mon." Aiden pulled her away over to the tree that he'd left Dougie leaning up against. They dropped behind them as he half dragged her and half carried Dougie towards Keegan's empty hearse. He hadn't even been able to lay his little brother or Ashleigh to rest. Their coffins lay by the graveside with bullet holes in them and white flower petals scattered around them smattered in blood. He would never forgive the Syndicate for this. No amount of revenge could absolve their continued disrespect, but he would make them pay dearly.

As they passed the bushes near the groundskeeper's house, Ava spotted one of her father's town cars. In the front passenger seat, watching her get carried away was Chris. He looked at his goddaughter without an ounce of concern or discomfort, and when she cried his name in vain, he looked away as if she wasn't even there.

Max was right.

Her heart turned to dust and suddenly the tension in her walk evaporated. She followed Aiden obediently.

"I'm all you've got now." He said it like it was a victory, as if her loneliness was a prize to be won because now it meant that whether she liked it or not the only person who was looking out for her was him.

"I have no one." She said dejectedly.

Poor, sweet, Ava-Marie. A victim of unfair circumstance, forced to suffer over the pride and arrogance of men who didn't deserve to know her.

BANG!

Dougie fired a shot that did little more than dent the bulletproof glass of the windshield, but was so obviously a kill shot. Chris was forced to acknowledge them then. He locked eyes with Dougie, and Dougie...well, Dougie just smiled.

Ava glanced back one last time at Max lying still underneath the willow tree, his chest still rising and falling, the stone angel watching him from afar.

She squeezed her eyes shut and wished, "Please."

There have been a lot of interesting conflicting conversations about Aiden. Most of you LOVE HIM OFF and the rest of you HATE him. How has this chapter made you feel about him now? Let me know in the comments below.

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Till next time, stay slaying for tha gawds, you majestic swan!

Love Scotty x