#there's no abuse in present tense or even directly referred to

[findmeinthefallair]

More on Hunter's body language

(Warning for some descriptions of abuse) Specifically regarding... 1. eye contact that is primarily to ask for permission/seek approval, and thus hope for safe connection:

along with hypervigilance and assessing what the other person may be thinking. This is normal behavior in dogs because of hierarchy between them and their masters/owners but well, human children reaaaaaally shouldn't be doing this to such an extent. The messed up thing is even if he concludes in his mind that the person isn't safe, he doesn't flee or dodge but instead just stands there waiting for possible punishment.

He has not been allowed to even dodge (which he may have tried to do in the early years before the abusive conditioning became internalized), he must stand firm and take the hit because he has been told that he is useless, unless he does better.

A special exception is here:

where he maintains eye contact to try being assertive (he succeeded!).

But we still see part of this ingrained behavior in the two frames below where subconsciously he expects further punishment, even though he already escaped Belos by then:

2. his arms and torso, in his arc post-HM until the present: There's a pattern of more open vs. more closed, more relaxed vs. more tensed. Plus whether the torso angle is more turned away from the person he's speaking to, vs. directly facing them.

Obviously he's still not confident about trusting Gus here:

But in the presence of the Emperor's Coven scouts who find him, he's back to the posture he's been conditioned to have (with the same Any Sport in a Storm screencap from earlier, as side-by-side reference), to just stand there and freeze:

Later, the shift is gradual but obviously he's more receptive, in good company:

Until the Thing That Happens, happens :')) After that he obviously closes up again, alternating between gestures that could mean "Come and fight me if you want!" and "Don't touch me!":

or else he'd go to an emotional place that he was not ready for until the last few scenes of For the Future.

But see how he's kneeling and his hands are open below, among his peers, as if ready to ask for and receive what he needs, contrasted alongside a much earlier shot from Hunting Palismen where yes, he's kneeling, but god the tension in his body, in an undoubtedly unsafe presence:

It's not the same when he's with an adult as seen below, where you still see caution and tentative openness to Camila trying to connect:

but it's a big thing that I can't see him retreat at all: it looks like he stayed in the same position, just that he didn't initiate his own movement to reciprocate and lean in closer. I hope to see a shift in this particular kind of gesture in the finale, of course.

[absentlyabbie]

a family and (mis)fortune fic

on ao3

moments growing up in the life of tommy merlyn, part-time wayne foster child. (five)

—————

Gotham was not Starling City.

It was loud, like cities should be, but the noise was different from the background of Tommy’s first nine years and nine months of life, with steam hissing through sidewalk grates and the subways rushing and rumbling and the elevated railways clacking and roaring. Everyone talked like they were in a hurry and the fastest way to get somewhere was to take the least possible time to say anything. Even the accents were weird, clipped but broad.

The days were rainier in Gotham than Starling, and grayer, usually overcast when it wasn’t raining. Every step down the city streets splashed or scraped with that wet grit of sneaker sole on damp pavement. Starling rained plenty, but the showers usually gave way to sunshine, and wet on the streets shone with color and light like the city itself. It was colder here, too, and everyone seemed to expect it would snow before Thanksgiving.

Gotham wasn’t home.

Tommy was trying his best not to hold that against it.

Technically, he knew, he didn’t have a home anymore.

And Dad always used to say that beggars can’t be choosers.

He also used to say no son of his was weak enough to beg. That Merlyns were strong, and that you had to take what you wanted out of life.

Tommy was still a Merlyn, but he felt pretty weak these days. He couldn’t imagine taking anything from life when everything had already been taken from him. He thought he didn’t mind if this made him not his dad’s son. It had felt that way for a long time, so might as well make it official. That is, if being an orphan didn’t do that already.

All these thoughts stewed together in Tommy’s gut like too much soda and bad corndogs, grumbling and cramping. It was hard to keep the scowl off his face as he trailed behind Bruce and Dick down the sidewalk, dirty Gotham rainwater soaking his socks and making his feet squelch in his sneakers, but Tommy didn’t want to be caught looking like a problem. Bruce got that look every time he caught Tommy scowling, or frowning, or even smiling.

Tommy could usually tell who adults wanted him to be or had decided he was. Bruce was frustrating. Nothing seemed to be right. He’d said the day he brought Tommy here that Tommy only needed to be him, and as nice as that had sounded, Tommy couldn’t trust it. Because he wanted to, he knew he shouldn’t.

Nobody wanted Tommy to be himself.

Nobody wanted Tommy.

He was sure Bruce had come in out of nowhere and claimed Tommy for some reason. There was some kind of Tommy that Bruce was looking for him to be. He just hadn’t figured out what it was yet. And he needed to hurry it up, before somebody decided there’d been a mistake and it was time to send Tommy somewhere else.

(If he thought this would get him sent back to Starling to live with the Queens, Tommy would wear out his welcome with Bruce Wayne by the weekend, no doubt. But the Queens didn’t want him, or he wouldn’t be here in the first place.)

Gotham might not be home, but Alfred was nice, and Dick was really cool, and if Bruce decided to keep Tommy, Tommy would still get to spend most of the year in Starling. With Ollie.

At least Ollie wanted him.

For a second, he missed Ollie so fiercely he couldn’t hear, feel, or see anything else—

—and in that second, he tripped right up the stairs leading up to the front doors of Wayne Enterprises.

Tommy cried out in surprise and windmilled his arms, eyes squeezing shut in anticipation of falling flat on his face and losing a whole lot of skin. But instead of the harsh, scraping impact on the cement and hard angles, there was a tight grip around his upper arm and a sharp jerk against the pull of gravity.

Tommy stumbled instead of fell, and the grip on his arm didn’t let go.

“Whoa there, maybe leave the tumbling to the trained professionals, yeah?”

Tommy opened his eyes to see Dick a step and a half above him, upper body twisted around and one arm thrown back as a counterweight to the hand curved around Tommy’s thin arm. Tommy’s eyes went wide and his cheeks burst into flame, but Dick just grinned, those dark blue eyes always laughing—but not at Tommy.

“Thanks,” Tommy mumbled, rubbing his arm as Dick let him go.

“Everything alright?”

Tommy flinched at the mild question, but Dick didn’t even glance back at Bruce, turned towards them on the top step with his hand on the door. Tommy’s eyes darted across Bruce’s stupid unreadable face, heart pounding harder than when he’d been bracing to kiss the pavement.

He waited for the disappointed purse of lips he would’ve seen on Moira. Anticipated the irritable, snapping demand to pay attention Dad would have barked for Tommy’s embarrassing flailing. Even the exasperated impatience the au pair Dad had hired for a while would have huffed with.

Bruce’s brow furrowed just a little and he looked Tommy up and down. Tommy felt every inch the grubby, clumsy brat, too much work, not smart enough, too inconvenient, not quiet or easygoing enough, just too much and not enough from head to toe.

But Bruce just nodded to himself and pushed his mouth into a smile that looked like it was supposed to be reassuring. He pulled open the door and gestured to the boys to head inside with a sweep of his hand.

Tommy hurried through the door on Dick’s heels, doing his best not to hunch his shoulders or duck his head. If he looked too tense, Bruce might try to talk to him. He was even worse at talking than he was at hugs.

(Although, Tommy figured he might deserve at least a little credit for trying. Not everybody bothered.)

Tommy had been in plenty of big-deal office buildings before, but even so, his head tipped back and mouth fell open as he stepped into the lobby of Wayne Enterprises. 

He’d been in the Merlyn Global Group building many times, and in Queen Consolidated often, too. They both looked kind of the same, all flashy colors and sharp lines and things his dad had called “sleek” and “modern.” The biggest difference between them that Tommy could tell was that his dad’s company liked darker colors and Mr. Queen’s company was bright and friendly colors.

Wayne Enterprises didn’t look anything like that. Everything was curves and arches and warm orange-yellow colors and bronze or brass or whichever metal that was. He was pretty sure the style was called “art deco” but not, like, sure sure. He liked art and the way things looked and he always paid more attention during history lessons when they talked about art periods and styles, but it was hard to remember what was called what for longer than it took to take a test about it.

Tommy stood in Wayne Enterprises’s lobby and stared around, and he decided he liked it. Dad’s company made him think it was trying too hard to be cool, and Mr. Queen’s like it was trying too hard to be fun. Bruce’s company made Tommy feel like they had what his mom would call class. It was impressive, like they knew what they were about and so did you and they could just do what they liked without trying too hard to seem impressive.

If he ever ran a business someday like his dad had wanted him to, Tommy thought he might want it to look kind of like this.

“Fancy, right?” Dick asked, the question only just making Tommy realize the older boy was standing beside him.

Tommy cut a quick glance towards Bruce, standing just on the other side of Dick. He shrugged his shoulders in a casual jerk. “It’s really different from Merlyn Global. I guess it’s pretty cool.”

“Thank you,” Bruce said, weirdly serious for a compliment from an almost ten year old. Bruce smiled at him. “I saw you looking at the architecture and design. Call me biased, but I’d say you’ve got a good eye.”

A quick surge of pride leapt bright and warm in Tommy’s chest. He squished it ruthlessly, like a bug. He gave Bruce another shrug, like it didn’t matter.

“My father was very proud of the choices he made in Wayne Enterprises’s aesthetic. It’s needed a little updating from time to time of course, but I’ll give him credit, it’s very classic, difficult to go out of style. And I can speak from experience that style does matter.”

Bruce looked around fondly as he spoke, and Tommy remembered that Bruce’s parents weren’t around anymore either, and hadn’t been for a long time. He wasn’t even that old. Bruce talked about his dad like he still missed him, and Tommy couldn’t help but feel a little jealous, even if it also maybe made him like Bruce a little bit more.

“Your dad had good taste,” he said awkwardly. It sounded like something nice his mom would’ve said, and grownups always talked about “taste” like it was important.

Bruce laughed softly and thanked him again, and Dick gave Tommy a subtle nod like he’d said the right thing. Tommy let out a little bit of breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.

“Come on,” Bruce said, reaching out a hand like he’d rest it on Dick’s or Tommy’s shoulders but not actually touching either of them. “We’re here to give you a tour. It’d be a shame to stop with just the lobby.”

“You’re gonna love the R-and-D department. That’s where all the sick gadgets get made,” Dick enthused with a grin, walking backwards to talk to Tommy as they followed Bruce towards the elevators.

Bruce turned a narrow-eyed, half-amused warning look on Dick as he hit the call button, but Dick just spun on his heel to turn that grin on Bruce in sunny defiance. Bruce shook his head and heaved a sigh, but there was a smile sneaking into the corner of his mouth.

Tommy watched this with interest and wondered if maybe this was what Bruce was looking for. If playing the rascally jokester, cheeky and endearingly feisty, was the way to go to fit here. It would hardly even be an effort. The trouble was, he wouldn’t be as good at it as Dick. Tommy could do the jokes—the worse the better—and he was usually pretty good at being endearing, but Dick was funnier, livelier, and he had the circus thing going for him.

No, imitating Dick could backfire too easy. It might be fun and charming from Dick, but if Tommy piled on the same and made it annoying and obnoxious, one of them might have to go and Tommy already knew it wouldn’t be Dick.

He chewed over ideas on the ride up the elevator, but they slipped away once they started visiting different departments on different floors.

Everyone greeted Bruce. Everyone had always greeted Tommy’s dad at work, too, but this wasn’t like that. At Dad’s work, everyone always seemed nervous and like they were being on their best behavior, which Tommy understood. But Dad only ever paid attention to people in charge, and it seemed like it was mostly to remind them that he was in charge of them.

The people at Wayne Enterprises greeted Bruce like they respected him, but also like they liked him, and even more like they knew him. Bruce stopped to chat with most people, asking them questions about their families or projects or stuff they liked. Which meant he knew all of that. But what Tommy couldn’t figure out was why he knew it. And he didn’t seem fake about it either. He sounded like he cared what the answer was when he asked about them.

Even more, everyone seemed to know Dick, too. Tommy knew Dick had been living with Bruce for two or three years already, but he must have come by Wayne Enterprises a lot in that time. People talked to him. And he talked back, and Bruce didn’t seem to mind. Dad would have clenched his jaw and quietly but sternly reminded Tommy that children were to be seen and not heard. But people here treated Dick like he was just… a person.

It was almost enough to break something in Tommy’s head. Adults didn’t treat kids like they were people. It was like he’d stumbled into some kind of weird Twilight Zone episode.

All of this served to make Tommy unusually shy when Bruce introduced him, and he introduced him to everybody. He hadn’t been prepared for all these people to be looking at him, and worse, paying attention. What were they seeing? Some orphan tagalong? Somebody who didn’t belong?

He got more and more tense with each hand he shook, waiting for all the questions he hated most. Where were his parents. Was he here with family. 

How long would he be staying.

The questions didn’t come.

Any time it would start to come up, or someone looked like they were going to start asking, it got deftly shut down. To Tommy’s growing awe, Bruce and Dick worked like some kind of coordinated act, with Bruce smoothly slipping in a “Tommy’s going to be staying with us from now on” and handing off to Dick to distract with a joke or a question of his own.

It was kind of amazing. It explained enough, was polite, even friendly, but was firm that this was all the information they needed about it. And nobody pushed back or pretended not to get it. Tommy hoped he’d be able to figure out how to do that himself sometime.

The other options were trying not to cry in front of strangers, or angry outbursts, and those were bad options that would get him labeled a problem faster than he could sneeze.

After a while, some three or four floors later and in a department Tommy couldn’t remember, Bruce got pulled a little away to look at something, leaving Tommy and Dick standing around by a short conference table with a bowl of peppermints on it. Dick grabbed a handful and tossed Tommy a couple as well.

Unwrapping one of his mints, Dick nudged Tommy with an elbow and asked quietly, “You doing okay? The whole tour’s kind of a lot, I know.”

“Yeah,” Tommy answered, frowning down at one of his own mints and slowly untwisting the plastic. “I’m good. It’s just. Yeah, it’s a lot. There’s so many people, I didn’t know we were gonna be talking to all these people.”

Dick popped his peppermint into his mouth and leaned against the table, nodding sagely. “It’s a big company, like, really big actually, but this is the home office and Bruce likes to know everybody, kind of acts like it’s just a small family thing.” He smiled, his mint clacking against his teeth. “Actually kinda reminds me of the circus.”

Tommy’s head pulled up sharp, the skeptical scrunch of his face making Dick laugh.

“Okay, there’s a lot less spandex and sequins, sure, but I mean the way everybody is sort of a family. Or, community, whatever. People who can be kind of annoying but care and look out for you.” Dick shrugged.

Tommy sure liked the sound of that, but it just… didn’t sound real to him. He thought maybe that was something wrong with him, not the other way around. So instead of saying anything about that, he made his skeptical face scrunchier and, when Dick raised an eyebrow back, asked, “So did you wear a lot of spandex and sequins?”

Dick’s eyes widened slowly as he realized Tommy was poking fun at him. His lips twitched. “Listen,” he said, then, mouth blooming full into a smile, he reached for Tommy. “C’mere, brat.”

Tommy giggled and ducked away, darting around to the other side of the conference table. “Betcha were super cute in tights.”

“I’m gonna get you,” Dick declared, the menace ruined by laughter. “Get back here. Don’t think I won’t come over that table, I’m an acrobat.”

Tommy cackled, shuffling left and right as Dick feinted at coming around one way then the other. “I dunno, can you do that in jeans or do you need the outfit?”

Dick squawked in outrage—and how he did that without choking on his peppermint, Tommy didn’t know—and vaulted, literally, hands smacking on the table and legs going up as he went over.

Squealing, Tommy hurried under the table, the rolling chairs clacking together as he shoved them out of his way to pop out on the other side. He bounced to his feet and turned to see Dick narrowing his eyes at him, looking mildly impressed. It made Tommy grin so hard it almost hurt his cheeks.

“Boys.” Bruce’s exasperated voice brought Tommy’s head whipping around and he went still. Bruce had crossed half the room towards them, arms folded and head shaking.

(For a moment, Tommy felt the whole world tip a little sideways, and the ghost of his father stood there next to Bruce. Instead of loosely crossed arms and a warm glittering in the eye, Malcolm Merlyn stood straight as a sword, chin up to show the height of his disappointment, arms at his sides and hands in discreet fists. For a moment, Tommy couldn’t believe what he’d done, how stupid he’d been to be so embarrassing and poorly behaved in public.)

There was laughter behind Bruce, a man a little older than Bruce sitting at a desk and smiling wide and chuckling openly. “You sure have your hands full now, Mr. Wayne.”

A woman in a suit at the whiteboard on the other side of the room grinned. “Just wait until they start ganging up on you. I’ve got twins around their age and they’ll run circles around you before you can blink.”

Bruce made a rueful, amused sound. “Please don’t give them any ideas.”

“Oh, it’s way too late for that,” Dick announced, leaning across the table and beaming. “I’ve got a partner in crime now.” Bruce made a little face at that, but Dick just looked encouraged, grinning wider. “We’re gonna drive you absolutely batty.”

All this laughter and joking, everyone teasing and having fun.

But Tommy just tried not to breathe too loudly, hands balled up and trembling at his sides.

Don’t make me go don’t make me go don’t make me go

Bruce sighed, and the sound could have been a gunshot in Tommy’s head. He didn’t blink as Bruce closed the distance between them, and it was only because he was frozen that he didn’t flinch when Bruce committed this time, his hand landing light and large between Tommy’s shoulderblades.

“To be honest,” he said softly, looking back and forth between Dick and Tommy, lips curling without force or hiding, “I’m looking forward to it.”

Laughter around them, warm and friendly, and Dick and Bruce smiling, Bruce’s hand on his back.

Slowly, so slowly, Tommy felt his body loosen again, felt his lungs expand in full.

The danger was passed. He was still here. He didn’t know what he’d done right, but he’d work hard to figure it out. Because he was still here.

For now.

—————

@memcjo @klaus-hargreeves-katz @its-a-pygmy-puffle @keabbs @princesssarcastia @obscure-sentimentalist @icannotbelieveiamhere @p0cketw0tch @andyouweremine @storiesofimagination @acheaptrickandacheesyoneline @cronusamporaofficial @batsonthebrain @adeusminhacolombina @relevanttosomeone

[warriorsfireandwater]

Warriors Analysis 2: A Breakdown of the Crow/Night/Breeze Family Dynamic

I said I would do it, so here we are. The big doozy. For this one, I’m going to putting all of the sourced scenes in a linked google doc, because I just don’t want to make this post a million miles long. Instead, for this post, I will sum up all of the conclusions made after reviewing every scene involving the family from Po3 through OotS, with other relevant information from other books included.

Context of this one: I’ve watched (and participated in) a lot of debate over this family. Just about every single argument I’ve seen tends to:

1) rely on a person’s opinion of a character overall to how they feel about the family (”I found Nightcloud annoying” often goes along with “Nightcloud is equally bad of a parent” or “Breezepelt was a bad person so I don’t sympathize with him in the family situation”)

2) misremember canon

3) rely on a person’s headcanons of what actually happened to shape their judgement of the family (”Nightcloud spoiled Breezepelt and told him Crowfeather is bad” when there are zero canon scenes of this happening)

Some ground rules: I’m relying on breaking down the canon scenes in the books. I am NOT inserting my own thoughts or beliefs as to what happened behind the scenes. If there’s anything bordering on that (”this behavior implies X”), it’ll be clearly stated that it’s an interpretation. I ask that if you want to comment or debate this analysis that you do the same. People’s headcanons shaping how they remember the family is the thing that frustrated me enough to spend hours digging this up. As a personal request, please don’t use this post to say “Nightcloud still sucks and I hate her”/”Breezepelt still sucks and I hate him”/”neglect isn’t abuse” - the latter is definitively incorrect and is upsetting to hear as a survivor of abuse. “X character still is bad” just takes away from the point of this - which is not to say “Breezepelt is a good person”, but PURELY to breakdown the family dynamic. With that out of the way, let’s GO:

After looking at literally every scene involving Breezepelt, Crowfeather, and Nightcloud and analyzing the ones that involve or mention them as a family, here’s some key points. The scenes that back these points up are included and detailed in this doc.

Breezepaw is introduced to us as a bit aggressive and rude, and his mentor, Whitetail, wishes to Crowfeather that she would teach him manners (earning her no response from him)

We first properly see Nightcloud during the dog attack in The Sight, when Breezepaw returns from checking the barrier. Breezepaw reports that there is no damage, and Crowfeather immediately questions if he actually checked all the way around. Breezepaw tells him “Of course!”, and Nightcloud says that Crowfeather should trust his son more.

This suggests Nightcloud is ready to defend Breezepaw whenever. However, as ThunderClan is leaving, Breezepaw mutters that WindClan can manage on their own. Nightcloud immediately scolds him and compliments Lionpaw for saving Heatherpaw during the battle.

Later, at the daylight Gathering, Lionpaw and Breezepaw are buried underground. Crowfeather and Nightcloud help dig them out, and Breezepaw is not breathing when he comes out. Jaypaw has to pull dirt out of his throat to save his life.

Leafpool says to Crowfeather that she would “give [her] last drop of blood to save [his kit]”. Nightcloud sharply retorts that “our kit was lucky that Jaypaw was here”.

Nightcloud carries Breezepaw away from the scene “like a kit”. Crowfeather offers to help, but she carries him on her own. She does not push him away/force him away/shout at him, she literally just chooses to carry him. Nightcloud spends the rest of the daylight Gathering curled around Lionpaw and Breezepaw and keeping them resting.

We learn these things from the Sight: Breezepaw and Crowfeather seem to have a tense relationship, but that isn’t fully developed. Nightcloud is willing to defend him from Crowfeather’s doubts, but notably does not defend him when he acts like a punk in front of her. She is bothered by Leafpool’s comment about giving her life for Breezepaw (which I personally find pretty reasonable to be bothered by), but counters by giving her gratitude to Jaypaw. She wants to carry Breezepaw after he nearly dies, but isn’t pushing Crowfeather away or denying him anything like many people claim.

In Dark River, Crowfeather encourages Breezepaw’s bias against ThunderClan, telling him that they “celebrate mixed blood” in a tone that implies it as a negative thing. (It seems implied he does this to get to Leafpool, who is upset by his comment.)

Jaypaw is able to feel Nightcloud’s jealous emotions on a few occasions, but she actually never says anything to Leafpool or Crowfeather about it.

In Outcast, Crowfeather is called to go on the journey to the Tribe. Onestar tells him to take Breezepaw, who has gotten in trouble a few times. Breezepaw makes it very plain he doesn’t want to go and worries that his Clanmates are just trying to get rid of him. Crowfeather wants to go, but “sighs” over the idea of taking Breezepaw. To me, he comes off as disinterested and possibly disappointed that he has to bring him. Crowfeather snaps at Breezepaw for asking to say goodbye to his friends, saying “There isn’t time!” even though literally no one is rushing them to leave. Nightcloud comes to say goodbye, but Crowfeather is distant and doesn’t respond to her.

Throughout Outcast, each POV character has at least one (if not many) moments where they think about Crowfeather/Breezepaw and feel pity for Breezepaw, despite really hating him. Hollypaw especially thinks often about how she appreciates Brambleclaw for encouraging and supporting her, and the apprentices all seem to realize that Breezepaw is angry because his father “doesnt seem to like him”. 

When questioning why they have to help the tribe, Crowfeather just tells Breezepaw “You’ll never understand loyalty.”

When they run into Purdy, Breezepaw is pretty rude to him. Crowfeather doesn’t interrupt a single time throughout multiple insults, then reacts by hitting him across the ear without saying anything, which is noted as “a hard blow”.

Breezepaw nearly dies falling off into a ravine after thinking he’s discovered a faster way. Crowfeather pulls him back and snaps at him, expressing no concern for his life. In Eclipse, Crowfeather pointedly does not compliment Breezepaw’s catch of the rabbit, which angers Breezepaw.

During the reveal of Leaf/Crow in the last book, Breezepelt and Nightcloud stand by Crow’s side and don’t publicly turn on him or say anything against him.

This journey gives us a lot of insight into Crow and Breeze’s dynamic. Breezepaw is pretty obviously a little punk throughout this book, but Crowfeather has no healthy way of communicating with him or discipling him. Instead, he snaps at him, hits him, or ignores him, all of which just feeds into Breezepaw’s anger. Nightcloud is not present for any of this and has no way of controlling their interactions here, which could have been a perfect opportunity for Crowfeather to build a relationship with his son if it were true that Night had prevented this.

Breezepelt shows up in Fading Echoes, training in the Dark forest. A few things are made explicit: he is being manipulated by the Dark Forest and Tigerstar’s words have an almost hypnotic effect on him. The cats present egg him on against Crowfeather, feeding into his belief that Crow does not value him. (Side note, I find it really interesting that in this book, Breezepelt has notable value in the warrior code [which encourages his hate towards Crow] and the DF cats encourage this, saying it is “strong” in his blood. Next time we see him, though, he wants to destroy it.)

Flametail randomly thinks about Breezepelt’s family while spending time with Tawnypelt, feeling glad he has nicer kin.

We get the infamous scene where Lion and Breeze fight. Breeze and Crow were both trespassing on ThunderClan territory and Lion caught the prey Breezepelt was about to catch. He intentionally eggs Breezepelt into a fight (rather than just attacking him himself). Leafpool interrupts, asking how Crow can watch this. Nightcloud then shows up and insists Crowfeather has only one son. Leafpool jumps in between them as Breezepelt is leaping for Lionblaze, and she gets clawed. Crowfeather hauls him off and throws him aside, then keeps talking to Leafpool, who tells him she loved him.

Nightcloud then comes over and pulls Crowfeather away from Leafpool. She sinks her claws into his pelt to do this. However, it’s worth noting that this scene contains MANY references to blood every time claws come out - she does not draw blood and he does not express any signal of pain. It’s likely she used her claws only as a means of holding onto him, not to cause him harm. Crowfeather turns on him, and Breezepelt wails before getting between them, telling Crowfeather to leave his mother alone.

Nightcloud doesn’t react rationally in this scene - but neither does any character. Lionblaze is an ass, Breezepelt is an ass, Crowfeather is an ass, and Leafpool is still walking around making declarations of her former love in front of Crowfeather’s wife.

Nightcloud is one of the cats to react rudely to Hollyleaf’s return, but she doesn’t directly attack/challenge her. (This is actually the last time we see Nightcloud.)

The final meaningful scene is in The Last Hope, when Breezepelt fights Lionblaze. Crowfeather intervenes and says he will not allow Breezepelt to hurt him. Breezepelt retorts he always knew Crowfeather hated him, which Crow denies.

“I never hated you!” Crowfeather growled. “That’s just what you were determined to believe. And Nightcloud encouraged you.”

“It’s not her fault!” Breezepelt spat.

“No,” Crowfeather hissed. “I should have done something much earlier...”

This is the first and only time this is blamed on Nightcloud. This is the only indication we have that this could be true.

Some other notable things:

Crowfeather took Nightcloud as a mate to prove his loyalty, not out of love. (This is said in After Sunset: We need to talk)

The Ultimate Guide also confirms the above, but is a questionable source given the many errors included in it. It states that Crowfeather resents Nightcloud (for not being Leafpool), and that Nightcloud coddled Breezepelt. However, the latter is never shown in the story (and the opposite is actually shown when she scolds him).

In Crowfeather’s Trial, Crowfeather is pushed to recognize his anger towards his son and apologize for his behavior towards him and Nightcloud. Even in an entire book from Crow’s perspective (which provides opportunity for memories, flashbacks, etc), there is no indication that Nightcloud actually pushed Breezepelt to hate Crowfeather. There’s a throwaway mention that Crowfeather was too strict or too rough with Breezepelt as a kit, but it’s never actually said that Nightcloud told him this/kept him away/etc. (IE: it’s impossible to say if Nightcloud screamed this at him or asked him once to be gentle. We just don’t know!)

With all this said, here’s my take on the dynamic:

Crowfeather was a neglectful father and an inconsiderate mate. The only scene we get where he seems to actually get along with Breezepaw is when he is encouraging him to dislike ThunderClan by feeding into hatred for “mixed blood” cats. In all other scenes, he: 1) ignores his bad behavior, 2) is unnecessarily harsh to him or dismissive of him, 3) questions and undermines him, 4) does not have healthy ways of addressing his poor behavior (IE, he ignores and turns away from him rather than discussing it when all the apprentices are in trouble and the other warriors are scolding them, he flat-out hits Breezepaw at one point after saying nothing to intervene in his rudeness), and 5) blames Nightcloud for their bad relationship. Crowfeather is provided plenty of opportunities to interact with Breezepaw while Nightcloud isn’t present (in fact, Nightcloud shows up very little - most scenes of the family have just Breeze and Crow, there are many books where Nightcloud isn’t even mentioned).

Nightcloud was literally just being a normal mom and was often pushed to feeling jealous around Leafpool, often because Leafpool doesn’t have any boundaries around hinting about loving Crowfeather for some reason. I was actually really shocked by how... absolutely fuckin brazen Leafpool is 24/7 about waltzing up to Crowfeather while his wife is standing right there and going “just so you know......... i miss you........... i’d give my life for you......” It’s just WEIRD. IMO, it’s pretty damn reasonable for that to make Nightcloud irritated! Most of the time, she never actually voices her jealousy, we just know about it because of Jaypaw’s ability. When she does, it’s sometimes done by complimenting someone else or giving credit to another cat, like when Jaypaw saves Breezepaw. There is zero text in the story supporting the idea that Nightcloud was overbearing or that she spoiled him: we have TWO SCENES where she has character moments around this. In the first, she is defending him from Crowfeather’s doubt, and in the second, she is scolding him for being ungrateful to ThunderClan for their help.

Breezepelt was a kid that grew up feeling unloved, unappreciated, and angry and resentful as a result. The Dark Forest, not Nightcloud, fed into this belief, but we also have a whole lot of scenes that show why that feeling of resentment towards Crowfeather is there to begin with.

The final hot take: If you believe Nightcloud ‘spoiled’ Breezepelt or that she was ‘overbearing and possessive’, you need to reread Po3 and OotS. It’s just not there.

(Bonus: I love Leafpool but god, girl, you need to read a room.)

[doctorbunny]

MILGRAM theory time: Haruka!

This isn't going to go super in depth (famous last words) but there's a few heavily debated parts of Haruka's MV I want to share my findings/thoughts on because I think this is my new special interest and during my quest to get best boy's song to 1 million views I have been looking over his first MV with a fine tooth comb so to speak.

Disclaimer: As the Jackalope said in the "This is the MILGRAM" trailer, we don't necessarily know everyone's crime from just the first video, its possible that a lot of things will be re-contextualized in the second MV, however I am not psychic or bilingual and thus will only be working with content released before August 20th 2021 and translated into English (which could cause some language/cultural details to be lost on me as translation is not a 1 to 1 process).

TW for discussions of ableism, child abuse, murder and animal death. Also this is really long so sorry to all the people that follow me for non-MILGRAM stuff

Firstly, I want to start on the topic of Haruka as a person. He is disabled. He does not have 'the mind of a child' (although he is 17, making him legally a minor in both North America and Japan). He is not just 'child-like'. And he is not mentally ill (well he might be, in the sense that many disabilities like Haruka's have strong comorbidities [where a person has two or more conditions but neither directly causes the other] with anxiety, depression and PTSD, but usually when I see people talk about him 'struggling with mental illness' they go on to refer to aspects of his disability). Sometimes on tumblr, people like myself, will see canonical traits written into a character and identify them as being traits associated with our disabilities/mental illness and headcanon them as such. Sometimes this even involves saying things like "It's basically canon!" Although we understand that these characters were probably not the result of a writer intending to write a disabled person. When I say that Haruka is being written as a person with a neurodevelopmental disability, I mean the writer intended to write a disabled character and wrote them in a way that they wanted the audience to pick up on. As an autistic person (which is one of many neurodevelopmental disorders and also something I probably didn't have to specify because who else would be writing an essay about a series they got into a few days ago at 11 o'clock at night) I really like how Haruka has been written so far. There's definitely some parts of him that have been exaggerated so abled normies can pick up on his disability (namely how his MV 's main motif is really child-like drawings) but the writers also included a lot of smaller details I appreciate like how it is noted he avoids eye contact when talking to other people and is depicted as nervously pulling at his sleeves in official artwork, or how he says he finds his prison uniform (which has tight straps) 'relaxing' and when he gets nervous/tense, he will dig his fingernails into the palm of his hands. (These last two potential being examples of 'self stimulation' [aka stimming] where a person seeks out specific sensory stimuli in order to help regulate their nervous system/emotions, in this case the tight uniform creates a comforting, secure feeling [you may have heard about some people preferring to sleep under weighted blankets for this reason] and digging nails into his palms sounds uncomfortable/painful but is done in an attempt to deal with a greater sensory discomfort caused by the situation/environment) I also appreciate the depth he is written with, he struggles to communicate verbally but in his MV and interactions with other inmates is shown to have insecurities, opinions and a consistent thought process (this is all basic character stuff but unfortunately not always present in disabled characters)

Also I want to add that (in terms of what we've been shown so far) Haruka did not kill anyone because of his disability/mental illness. Disabled people are not inherently more innocent than abled people. But there is no disability/mental illness where a symptom is that you kill people and real people have to live with the stigma when you speak carelessly and suggest things like "Haruka is the kind of mentally ill person who kills people as a cry for help" 🧂 (or at the very least real people have to read BS like that and cringe). TL;DR Haruka is less child-like and more onion-like (as in, he has layers) 🧅🧅🧅

Now is the actual theory stuff, oops:

Every prisoner in MILGRAM is supposed to have committed murder in some way, obviously considering Yuno just had an abortion (which i personally do not consider an act of murder) whilst Mu literally stabbed someone to death, this definition is stretched a bit. But it is not agreed upon yet who Haruka killed/how many people he killed or why he killed.

In his MV he is shown to have chased after his dog into a forest, seen something off-screen, then beaten something into a messy pulp with a rock. Some people think the dog is a red herring and that Haruka actually killed his mother/the girl from the fireworks show/his brother. I do not agree.

First: I believe Haruka when he says he doesn't have a brother. The MV literally starts by Haruka looking in the mirror and then switching between the him now

and a really similar looking younger child who just so happened to be a key feature of his memories (I don't have the vocabulary to explain it but its like cinematic parallels that establish this is the same person at different points of their life)

Its not impossible that this is Haruka's secret younger brother, but i think its unlikely. I saw someone saying they had to be different people because Haruka looks less happy than the child but like, most 17 year olds are less visibly happy than when they were 7 (or however old the child is meant to be). Life happens.

So when Haruka is shown pushing the child around and eventually strangling him, this isn't meant to be literal (homicide or suicide), but a representation of how conflicted Haruka feels about his younger self, who may have committed the murder (if you've ever been kept awake cringing at memories of something you said in the past and wishing you could go slap some sense into your former self, this is like that but 10 times more self loathing). The lyric "I am always repeating yesterday," implies he might think about this specific past event a lot.

Moving on, its pretty well accepted that Haruka's parents were abusive in some way and Haruka internalised a lot of it: he constantly apologises, he says in his interrogation questions that his one wish come true is that "[he] want[s] to be loved" and describes in his MV how when he couldn't find the words he was looking for ("you're unfair") one of his parents "would get angry at me and say “You’re hopeless.”". He seems to know its unfair but also still says he 'loves' his family, possibly mistakenly believing it is his fault, but also showing an awareness of his situation (and how his parents might behave).

Now, the MV is stylised in a way that makes certain details unclear, but there is one clear detail showing that Haruka's dog was killed

This is the first close up of Haruka and the dog. Haruka's mother is just out of frame supervising, but they look pretty happy. Notice how the puppy has a silvery chain for a collar. Somehow, this dog gets out of the house but only Haruka is shown chasing after it (whether his mother was searching elsewhere or didn't bother following her disabled son into the forest is unclear). Either way, young Haruka is now in the forest, unsupervised.

By the time he finds the dog, there is already blood, suggesting it was initally attacked by something else.

is this a sigh of relief from a boy whose finally found his beloved pet or a jealous weakling glad that nature took its course and he is finally free of that meddling mutt stealing all his mummy's attention? /j

I think this shock at the discovery that 'there is blood on his hands' could imply that rather than literally getting the blood from his dog, Haruka has seen his already injured dog and realises that if the dog got out because of him (he is previously shown to be aware his parents seem to blame him for everything) then he is the reason his dog is injured/dying and will be blamed for it. (this scene plays over the lyrics "It’s fine, though it’s really not It’s really fine, though I don’t really think so When I tried to understand it, You’ll make that disappointed face again" suggesting he is trying to avoid making his parents disappointed and letting the family pet escape into danger is something that could make them very disappointed)

now we get into rock murder (this is present-day Haruka implying that this is either: not how the scene really played out; the writers really wanting the audience to know that this was Haruka's doing and not someone else's; or this turns into a separate incident that happened much later [although note that the red sky and blue moon is the same as when young Haruka first appears at the start])

b the corpse is beyond mangled now, but its clearly the dog because the silver chain collar is still there, to the right of the body. (circled in red for your convenience :3)

My hypothesis is: Haruka didn't set out to kill his dog, but upon finding it injured (we don't know the severity aside from bleeding and also it not being able to run away from Haruka kneeling down above it w/ a big rock so it could range from treatable with a lot of vet help to already on death's door, TBH I don't think Haruka would know the difference) He knew he'd be blamed for this; made into a villain who let the poor puppy come to harm. He panicked and killed the dog out of some idea that it would make him the victim here (since he'd be found crying over a dog corpse, which might make a parent go comfort him rather than getting angry about what could've happened to the dog). This is over the lyrics: "I cried, I screamed I wanted to be a pitied and loved weakling I was in denial, I was in denial I just had to make sure I’ve become a victim, I’ve become a victim" (there's another theory that he was also jealous of the dog, which could work here too, since this is not some calculated plot; rather its a rash decision) This ties in with his Japanese song title (translated as Weakness) which is a play on a phrase sort of like "The strong eat, the weak do not" to become "The weak are eaten by society" or "The weak eat each other to survive" [once again I am reminding everyone this is based on second hand information from the youtube comments section (from users mitchki and Alphaistic) because I do not speak Japanese] This second meaning (The weak eat each other to survive) makes sense under the reading that Haruka killed his dog in order to 'survive' making his parents disappointed for the dog escaping.

Miscellaneous points:

We don't know where Haruka's necklace came from yet, it must be a gift since the most expensive thing he's ever bought was cotton candy. The younger child in the video isn't wearing it and neither is his mother or the girl in the purple dress.

Haruka's home seems quite big, at the start we can see a large flower garden outside the window and there's a forest in walking distance. This might suggest his family is quite wealthy

Haruka probably did go to school at some point as homeschooling is not a legally accepted as an alternative to public schools in Japan. (However it is estimated that up to 5000 families homeschool, this is uncommon) A lot (about 62%) of Japanese schools apparently have a 'special needs' classes and there are about 505 schools focused on educating intellectually disabled students (although I do not know which sort Haruka would've needed as whilst intellectual and development disabilities can be comorbid they aren't the same). Now, if children aged 7-14 don't go to school, their parents receive a fine, but its possible that if Haruka's parents are wealthy, they just paid it to avoid sending him to school. (This might imply they wanted to hide him or were generally ashamed of him in some way) However high school education (for students over 14) is not legally required and its likely that even if Haruka went to elementary/middle school, he hasn't been around people his own age in at least 3 years. As he seems quite lonely and glad that the other prisoners give him attention.

I don't think Haruka's parents are divorced and if they are, its not his father who left. Haruka mentions in the 30 questions that he thinks he disappointed his father. But still includes him as part of his family ("My father and mother and me"). A theory I've seen is that his father was disappointed by his son being disabled and left. but developmental disabilities (especially in non verbal and semi verbal children like Haruka) can be diagnosed before the age of 3, so I feel it is unlikely that Haruka would bring up his father if he left that early in Haruka's life

All MILGRAM prisoners have covered one of DECO*27's older vocaloid songs (DECO*27 is a well known producer who composes the music for MILGRAM) Haruka covered 'Two Breaths Walking' (https://youtu.be/puXLfVWrz2Q) which is about a boy's first relationship and how his mother's jealousy set him up for failure as the relationship becomes toxic (specifically it has some very funny out of context lines like "Whose breasts are you sucking on now?") so yeah, mommy issues: the song (Also: some people say in the song, the boy kills the girl at the end, but this isn't literal, TBW is the first of a trilogy of songs about the same relationship, it is followed by Android girl then Two Breaths Walking: Reloaded and the story resolves with the couple reuniting as adults and getting in the relationship again, although its not necessarily as abusive as before, its still implied to be codependant ending on the line 'We should live like oxygen tanks, sucking breathe from the words each of us exhale, until our last breathe')

In all seriousness, the scene where younger Haruka is walking through the city with his mother but it keeps repeating until older Haruka pulls the younger one away might indicate an attempt to focus the happier memories of his parents (since this is also over the lyrics "Why is it breaking? Tell me why? Please don’t change If I tried and couldn’t say it, You would get angry at me and say “You’re hopeless.”" which depict a worse scene) I think both his parents are still physically present but have become far more emotionally distant, not giving him as much attention, which exacerbates his loneliness from not having any friends his own age to talk to

And if one of his parents did leave? I think its likely his mother since she is shown disappearing out of his reach after the dog-incident (inferring she got angry/disappointed in Haruka anyway) This could also be where he got his necklace from: Its something his mother used to wear (although this is 100% a guess) and that's why its shown to be important to him

This one is just me, but i didn't realise until a rewatch that when Haruka is watching the younger him and the girl running together, the background has fireworks. Haruka mentions fireworks being a key memory to him so I wonder if this was one of the first/last times he got to make a friend...

On three separate occasions in the interrogation, Haruka mentions not liking animals. Despite this, he is depicted as sleeping with a rabbit plush and on his birthday art (I'd include that too but tumblr only allows 10 pictures per post, so here's a link) he is standing next to a giant blueberry and strawberry cake with two bunny themed biscuits at the side. Through my experiences of seeing Japanese fandom art on pixiv, sometimes rabbits are used to insinuate a character is cute and timid in fanart.

Meaningless details: Haruka sleeps with his necklace on; he sleeps on a bed and not a futon; at first I thought he woke up holding his plush's hand but his hand is merely next to the toy; and considering the state of the pillow and blanket, I wonder if he moves a lot in his sleep or if the is just because in this case he seems to be waking up from a nightmare about the dog incident...

Final note: I've spent so many hours writing this I don't remember if i was building up to any big finale or not but I hope you enjoyed reading this! Feel free to add on in the comments/reblogs.

[superanimeidiot]

Karma decks Gakuhou (or: the moment we’ve all been waiting for)

Haha, yeah, you know that time Gakuhou hit Gakushuu and sent him flying into a wall?

Yeah, Karma kinda has a problem with that.

TW: discussion of child abuse. Not super graphic, but be aware.

As a kid, Karma always thought he would be the one to first know the feelings of his father’s hands against his face. He’d longed for it, almost - that sign his father cared about him enough to get angry, to be angry enough to hit him. He’s constructed the entire scene in his head and played it on a loop: Karma, saying the wrong thing or moving the wrong way as he always seemed to do in his father’s presence; Gakuhou, frustrated and empty of patience; the sight of his father’s hand rising in the air; the helpless knowledge of what was to come; the numb acceptance of the blow; and, finally, the loud smack! and sting of flesh. Karma knows this fantasy like he knows the scars on his hands. Gakuhou never needed force to hurt him, though; his words and the ever-present look of distant disapproval was more than enough to leave lasting, if not physical, scars.

Still, if his father ever was to hit one of his children, Karma would have bet on himself. The idea of his father hitting Gakushuu - his precious, perfect golden child who mastered every lesson taught with haughty ease - has never even crossed his mind. Until today.

Karma stares at the bruise blooming ugly across Gakushuu’s cheek. He thinks he knows what it’s from and who caused it, but he doesn’t know. Gakushuu is staring right back, eyes hard as steel, and he wonders if this is how Gakushuu felt when Karma was showing up to class bruised and angry.

“Was it him?” he asks, and he doesn’t need to clarify who him is; they both know who he’s referring to.

“Yeah,” Gakushuu says. “Guess he finally got tired of using his words.” He smiles too, like this is funny. Like this whole situation - like the purple and green mark on his face - is one big, funny, ha-ha, hold-your-sides-until-you’re-crying joke. Karma wants to strangle him.

No, actually, he wants to strangle Gakuhou. Karma turns on his heel and moves to do just that, but Gakushuu grabs his wrist and drags him back.

“Stop,” he says, exasperated, as though talking to a child. “I’m fine. I’ve taken harder hits when sparring.”

“You think that makes it better?” he asks, incredulous as he tries to free himself from his brother’s iron grasp. “You know the difference between being hit while sparring and being hit by your father? One of them is illegal.”

Gakushuu frowns. Karma, sensing the waver in his brother’s certainty, takes full advantage. He twists his wrist away and breaks the hold, but immediately seizes Gakushuu’s own wrist, holding him still and demanding his attention.

“Gakushuu,” he says. He taps a gentle finger against the bruise marring his stupid, perfect face. “This is not okay.”

Gakushuu breathes - a long, slow inhale he holds for a few seconds then releases in a gusty sigh. “I know.”

Karma chews at his lip, hesitating, before asking, “Has he ever-”

“No,” Gakushuu denies, quick and firm and leaving no room for argument. “He’s never done this before.”

“You’d tell me?” Karma presses. “If he has, or if he does again?”

“Yes.”

“Promise me,” he demands. 

“Who’s the older brother here again?”

“Promise me.”

“Okay, okay,” Gakushuu relents, cracking a tiny grin that looks more real than any of the smiles he pastes on for his lackeys. “I promise I’ll tell you if he hits me again.”

Karma, solemn as a funeral, holds up a single pinkie. 

Gakushuu eyes it. “Seriously?”

He nods.

Gakushuu sighs again. Rolling his eyes, he wraps his pinkie around Karma’s. “I promise,” he repeats.

Karma releases his pinkie, mollified for the moment. “Okay,” he says, then abruptly changes the subject. “So I was planning on making you buy me ice cream since, you know, I scored the highest on finals.” He flashes a smug grin at his brother’s groan. “But now I feel bad for you, so I guess I’ll buy you ice cream. I am the kindest, most loving and adorable little brother in the world, after all,” he preens. 

Gakushuu stares at him. “You’re insane,” he says flatly. “You have so many screws loose, I’m surprised your head is still attached.”

Karma squawks indignantly, poking his brothers harshly in the ribs while crying mean! mean! while Gakushuu tries to fend him off. The tense atmosphere has faded, for now, and they’re both happy to see it go. 

The conversation isn’t entirely finished, though. Later, Karma will probe into what life was like with just Gakuhou as a parent, and Gakushuu will ask pointed questions about the origin of the injuries Karma would always show up to class with and brush off. They will both get angry, they will both shout, and they will both part ways frustrated and hurt and so, so scared. Even later than that, though, they will both apologize (with a hug) and all will be forgiven, but not entirely forgotten.

They both learned a long time ago to always look after each other, even when no one else would, and those instincts, while rusty from misuse, still hold as strong as when they were little boys whispering promises through the sound of their parents screaming.

****

Later, Karma knocks on the front door of his childhood home. He hasn’t been there since he was eight years old, and maybe if he could feel anything other than the ice cold rage flowing through his veins he would be afraid or lost in the melancholy of past memories, but he can’t and he’s not. He pounds on the door again. 

He expects a maid to answer the door, but when it opens he’s greeted with the sight of his father, barefoot and dressed casually, blinking at him in surprise.

“Karma?” he says. Maybe he was going to say something else too, but that’s all he gets out before Karma punches him in the face.

Karma has had a lot of practice hitting people. He’s good at it. He knows how far to pull his arm back, how to keep his wrist locked against impact, how to twist his hips for more power, and how to pour his whole body into a punch that leaves his target breathless (or, once, unconscious). He was good at it when he was fighting thugs on the street, and he got even better when Karasuma drilled proper martial arts concepts like form and technique into his head. Karma is naturally strong, and a year of hardcore physical training only added to that strength. 

The point of this being: when Karma slams his fist against his father’s face, Gakuhou, unprepared for such an attack and faced with a trained, rage-fuelled combat assassin, goes down like a sack of rocks.

Karma doesn’t follow him. He stays standing in the doorway, chest heaving with barely-contained fury. His father pulls himself up so he’s sitting rather than sprawling across the floor, staring up at Karma with wide eyes as though he’s never seen him before. He hasn’t, really - not like this, anyway. In his father’s presence, Karma had molded himself into the perfect child; he was quiet, and sweet, and well-behaved. He said please, thank you, excuse me, I’m sorry. He was everything he thought his father wanted, but it didn’t matter because it still was never enough. 

Karma hasn’t been that kid in a long time.

“That,” he says, flexing his hand and ignoring the sting of split knuckles, “was for Gakushuu. Maybe he won’t punch you back for your crap, but I will.” He crouches down, then, so he can stare his father right in the eyes. “This is your only warning. If you ever, ever, lay a hand on him again…” He flicks his wrist, and his switch-blade makes a brief, grim appearance before disappearing up his sleeve again. He looks directly into his father’s eyes, and he lets him see the resolve burning in his own. “I swear to God, it’ll be the last thing you do.”

Gakuhou nods, both an acknowledgement and acceptance. Karma smiles the cold, satisfied smile of an assassin and stands, knocking his knuckles against the door-frame as he leaves.

He shoves his hands in his pockets as he walks off down the street, whistling merrily to himself. Gakushuu will probably be mad at him later - if he finds out, of course - but Karma refuses to regret his actions. No one, not even their father, is allowed to lay a hand on Gakushuu and get away with it. That is Karma’s promise, made to himself and sealed with his father’s blood spilled in retribution.

He’ll keep it until the day he dies.

[foilfreak]

Beauty and Her Beast: Chapter 3

Warning: This fic is rated NSFW and contains graphic depictions of things some people may find disturbing or alarming, including, but not limited to: violence, gore, unhealthy family relationships, Oedipus complexes, gratuitous amount of pornographic literature, ableist language, physical, mental, and emotional abuse, etc. If you are someone who does not enjoy fiction with these elements in them, then I suggest you refrain from reading this, because this fic will have all that, and probably a lot more. So, this is your first and final warning to turn around and go somewhere else if stuff like this just isn't your vibe, because from this point forward, your emotional wellbeing is in your own hands, and I will not be accepting blame if you disregarded my warnings and ended up reading something you didn't like. Idk why I feel compelled to write one of these despite this being Resident Evil fanfic, but I figured I'd cover my ass just in case.

(Link to ao3 version in comments below)

“Going off the information I have listed here, it appears as though you’ll be receiving subject N-45, today. She’s a healthy 22 year old female. Her short, but muscular body weighs 95lbs with a childish height of 4’10” tall. She possesses primarily Romanian and Filipino ancestry, with some Dutch or Finnish or... whatever, thrown in there as well. And according to the various items we found on her person when she was first brought in, she’s apparently a graduate student at the University of Bucharest, or, at least she was, before she drove her car into a tree while driving up the mountain and was recovered by Heisenberg” Miranda explains robotically, reading aloud from a piece of paper held inside a thick manila envelope. “Of the 4 remaining test subjects, N-45 is easily the most violent and difficult one to work with, having to be either anesthetized or restrained every time I wanted to so much as take her vitals or stabilize her condition. When given smaller doses of sedatives she-”

For the first time in his entire life, Salvatore completely ignores whatever unimportant nonsense Mother Miranda is going on about, continuing to take in and analyze the strikingly unique appearance of the young woman before him.

Upon first inspection, N-45 appeared to resemble that of a normal woman in just about every way possible. Her hair was scruffy and very short, barely long enough to reach her eyes, and a deep black color that looked so soft and luxurious that Salvatore ached to run his fingers through it. Her face was slightly round, giving the young woman a very youthful appearance, with her sharp jawline and prominent cheekbones being some of the only things keeping Salvatore from mistaking her for a child. And lastly, her... figure, if Salvatore had to put such an embarrassing idea into words, was similar to that of Mother Miranda, only shorter, more compact even. It reminded the hooded man of those small packets of candy Duke occasionally gifted him that said “fun sized” on the label, in reference to them being much smaller than the standard sized candy bars and yet somehow being… better, despite technically giving you less candy.

She was already perfect as she was, but it was not just N-45’s beautiful human features that pulled Salvatore in and refused to let him escape the stupefaction he’d been placed under, but also her mutations.

A soft royal blue coated her from head to toe, giving way only to a large patch of solid white located on her chest and stomach. Her skin catches the light in a way that reveals areas of tiny overlapping scales, glimmering like stars in the midnight sky, or freshly polished armor, perhaps, along the bony ridges and tender curves of her figure.

Small white dots distributed like paint splatters across the colored sections of her flesh give a similar visual effect as freckles, starting from her hairline and extending all the way down to the very tips of her toes. These galaxies of white were invisible only on the white patch along the front of her torso, as well as on the lighter blue hue taken on by both the palms and webbings of her hands and feet.

Long Fin-like extensions grew along both her forearms and lower back. The former extended outward and inward like a windshield wiper, likely used to decrease water resistance. The latter, however, perhaps used to increase fine motor maneuverability while swimming at greater speeds or in tighter spaces, grew straight downwards from her lower back in an overlapping fan configuration that marginally covered her rear end, though not by very much. The fins looked like a soft, delicate material that was probably very flexible but very durable, if Salvatore had to guess just from looking.

And to top everything off, N-45 even appeared to even have gills, 2 different sets by the looks of it. The first set of 3 breathing slits was located horizontally along both sides of her neck, while the second set could be found on both sides of her torso, following the downward angle of her ribs but stopping just underneath her soft, plump-looking breasts.

Salvatore feels a sudden wave of heat cascade over his body and he turns his face away in shameful embarrassment as he suddenly realizes that N-45, much like every test subject undergoing cadou treatment, was still very, very nude at the present moment.

“I can’t make any promises regarding her disposition, but physically speaking, she’s ready to be released to you whenever you’d like. I’ll have some of the villagers transport and release her into the reservoir later this week” Mother Miranda says, pressing a button to close the pod now that Salvatore was no longer staring at her.

“W-wait just a m-moment” Salvatore calls out, prompting Mother Miranda to halt the closing of the pod.

“Yes? What is it?” The woman asks curtly, clearly not wanting to stand here and watch Salvatore any longer than she has to.

Wringing his hands together nervously, Salvatore meekly asks, “C-could… could y-you wake h-her up… s-so that I can s-speak with her… j-just for a m-moment?”

Mother Miranda remains silent for a moment, blank face staring directly at Salvatore as she contemplates what to do.

“No, Moreau,” she says finally. “I’ve had a very busy day today and I'm quite tired. N-45 is a menace that I struggle to deal with even on my best days. The last thing I need is something going wrong and her getting out and causing all sorts of chaos.”

Salvatore’s shoulders slump in disappointment, but he makes no further attempts to argue.

Mother Miranda rolls her eyes at the incredibly childish display, walking over to place a gentle hand on Salvatore’s head. “Would it make you feel better if I agreed to have N-45 be the first of the subjects to be dropped off? It’ll be more difficult than my original plan, but I suppose it was a bit unfair that you were the only one who didn’t get to “pick” their gift.”

“Yes, M-Mother Miranda… I-I’d like th-that very… very m-much” Salvatore says, leaning into the touch as Mother Miranda begins guiding him back toward the hallway leading to the exit door.

It wasn’t until after Miranda had exited the lab and begun walking down the long hallway toward the exit that Salvatore dared cast another glance back at the pod that contained N-45, wistfully thinking of how amazing her hand had felt in his, and how much he wanted to speak to her.

Just as the disfigured man was about to turn back and follow Miranda out of the laboratory, a flash of movement out of the corner of his eye caught his attention, prompting Salvatore to tense and snap toward the 4 pods, frantically trying to figure out what it was he saw. A few seconds of stillness pass before Salvatore sees movement again, not freely moving about the room like he originally expected, but from within one of the 4 pods, his pod to be exact.

His curiosity momentarily outweighing his nerves, Salvatore slowly approaches the metal capsule, trying to get a look through the small pane of glass that allows visual access into the holding pod.

Another flash of movement has Salvatore flinching, jumping back as though he’d been advanced upon. After several seconds of stillness, however, the hooded man regains his confidence and once again inches his way toward the capsule, moving his head up and down to try and get one more glimpse at N-45 before he has to leave. One last look before she lays eyes upon his vile and disgusting body for the first time, screaming and calling him a monster as she runs away, leaving him alone and without anyone to call his own. Just like always.

“ Hello ?”

Salvatore froze dead in his tracks, his heart pounding and his lungs refusing to take in air, as a soft, muffled, questioning voice reaches the deformed man’s ears, followed by two golden orbs with narrow black slits running vertically through the center, that slowly peek into view from the bottom of the glass window. Salvatore’s eyes widen in shock as he quickly realizes that the orbs of gold are not, in fact, just spheres of color, but rather a pair of eyes, staring intently at him from inside the pod.

“Uuuuuh… u-u-uuum… I-i… I w-was just…” the disfigured man stuttered as he struggled to move his body, seemingly paralyzed by the bewitching gaze currently locked onto him, looking at him with an intensity that makes Salvatore wonder if this is what it feels like to be a cell put under a microscope.

It isn’t until Salvatore notices the golden orbs moving and shifting from one corner of the window pane to the other that the hooded man realizes, to his immediate horror, that he might not be the only one trying to get a better look at the figure located on the other side of the pod door. Panic and fear immediately fill Salvatore from deep within, growing strong enough to allow him to finally overcome his temporary paralysis and skitter away from view. Pulling his hood even further over his petrifyingly grotesque face in shame of himself, Salvatore flees the laboratory as quickly as his hobbled limp would allow.

His heart pounds to the beat of the soft, but desperate pleas of protest coming from N-45’s pod in response to Salvatore’s rapidly retreating form, yet the hooded man cannot bring himself to believe what he hears as true. Perhaps believing that the siren-like voice he hears echoing off the metal laboratory walls to be nothing more than a trick of his sick and lonely mind, Salvatore does not stop, nor does he turn back around until he’s met up with Mother Miranda at the exit to the surface, lungs burning and legs aching from running for so far and long.

“Oh, there you are, Moreau,” Mother Miranda says suddenly, stopping just before they are about to exit the laboratory. “I’m glad you chose this time to finally catch up, because I just realized a second ago that I’d forgotten to give you N-45’s previous name. You can name her something else if you’d prefer, of course, but I offered the information to your siblings so I suppose I should offer it to you as well. Would you still like to know N-45’s name, or would you rather abandon her given name for one of your own choosing?”

After a few seconds of silent contemplation, Salvatore lifts his head, “I… I-i would like to k-know… her n-name… please...” the mutant man says softly.

Mother Miranda briefly raises a questioning eyebrow at Salvatore’s nervous body language, but ultimately rolls her eyes and shrugs her shoulders, all but tossing the Manila envelope containing N-45’s information at the hooded man before disappearing out the large metal door.

“If you’re going to read that now, feel free, but return to the meeting room once you're done. And be sure to lock the door to my laboratory behind you” Miranda commands, her voice having grown echoey due to how far away she now was.

“Yes, M-Mother” Salvatore calls after her as he scrambles to catch the thrown file and prevent any loose papers from falling out. Once he’s got a solid handle on the thick envelope, he opens it, casting a quick glance back in the direction of the pod room, where Nadine and the other 3 gifts were being held for the time being.

Returning to the file, Salvatore frantically flips through every page, trying to find the one that held N-45’s personal background information.

After several minutes of desperate flipping back and forth, Salvatore finally focuses on one particular piece of paper that looked to have been in the file for the longest. Pulling out the particular page he’d found, the disfigured man drops the rest of the folder onto the ground and begins rapidly skimming through the information printed on the page, his hungry eyes refusing to stop until they finally zeroed in on the information he’d been looking for.

Project: E.V.A. Resurrection

Subject: N-45

Parasite Administered: Cadou (Series- N; Strain- 45)

Family Name: Bogdan

Given Name: Nadine

“N… Nadine” Salvatore said slowly, feeling slightly lightheaded and out of breath as each individual letter of the young woman’s name rolled off his tongue like Camembert cheese; smooth, creamy, decedent, and likely to keep him up all night with an upset stomach and a racing heartbeat.

Nadine. Nadine. Nadine. Nadine. Nadine. Nadine. Nadine. Nadine. Nadine. Nadine. Nadine.

The name quickly became a broken loop played over and over and over again inside Salvatore’s head, his mind unable, or rather unwilling, to think of anything else as he read, reread, and then re-reread Nadine’s name at least 100 times, before finally setting the piece of paper down.

“Nadine...” Salvatore breathes the name once again, his voice carrying a wistful tone. “E-even your n-name is wonderful...”

An already beautiful woman, made even more perfect through the power of science and Mother Miranda’s grace, only for all that potential to end up wasted in the hands of a desperately lonely and horrifically mangled fish mutant, who was more likely to accidentally dissolve her in stomach acid than woo her like some kind of aquatic Prince Charming.

“Y-ya right... e-e-even with a-another mutant… I’m s-still so disgusting a-an… and horrifying in comparison… n-not even my o-own kind can b-bring thems-themselves to love me f-for who I a-am… not th-that there’s much of m-me that’s worth l-loving to begin w-with” Moreau laments to himself, wondering if it was even worth holding out hope that things with Nadine could go his way. As if one look at his monstrous form wouldn’t be enough to ruin everything Salvatore already has an agonizingly low chance of ever having with that magnificent specimen of a woman.

Even with Nadine’s own external mutations making it clear that she was no longer fully human, her form had still retained such a beautifully strong, yet womanly shape to it, and her face still looked so young and innocent despite everything that she’s been through. Someone as beautiful as her was far too good and pure to be tainted by his filthy hands.

‘Maybe I should just kill her when the villagers arrive with her at the gate? At least then... I could say I put her out of her misery before she had to experience it for herself…’ Salvatore sulks mentally.

However, despite the self degrading thoughts running through his mind, the memory of the curious look Nadine’s shockingly bright and mesmerizing golden eyes held when trying to look at Salvatore through the pod window made the hooded man shiver, having never been looked upon in such an innocently curious manner before. Most people who got that close to Salvatore didn’t even need to see his face in order to start screaming and running away in terror. However, if the deformed man allowed himself a brief moment to believe that it was indeed her who’d been calling him to come back and show himself, then from the tone and rushed quality of her voice, it would seem as though Nadine was unsatisfied with the fact that she hadn’t seen all of Salvatore’s face and body, not terrified.

How strange...

How very strange indeed…

[kotokoharrow]

Case Study 001: Haruka Sakurai

Note that this analysis is based around my own views. I do not present my way of interpreting Haruka as fact, and I am sharing this to see if others agree with me. If you disagree, you are more than welcome to say so and we can discuss it!

Content Warning: This analysis contains discussion of: Animal abuse and death, child abuse and death, emotional abuse, child neglect, murder, flashbacks and nightmares. Please proceed with caution if you are sensitive to any of these topics!

Evidence List:

Haruka’s Profile

Haruka’s Voice Drama

Undercover

Weakness

Two Breaths Walking

Voice Line

Timeline Convo

Character Analysis

A young male prisoner, quiet with downcast eyes. During Es’ early interrogations, he offered only a few constrained words in response. However, he has gradually become more talkative, forming an emotional bond over the course of his interviews. Once one begins to converse with him, his gentle pre-disposition is revealed.

He has a meek temperament and, even in Milgram, does not appear to be dissatisfied. Barely manages to communicate with Es and the other prisoners. However, during conversations, as if some meaning is lost along the way, there is a disconnect.

Haruka is a teenager with a very low opinion of himself, shown in his attitude in his voice drama and the lyrics of his song. When he appears in Undercover, he is shown wringing his hands together, avoiding looking at the camera, and when he finally does shows an unhappy expression. These pieces of his body language show that he is an anxious boy.

Haruka doesn’t appear to be very bright, with his song being written in hiragana, and he struggles to follow along with everything that Es says to him in his voice drama. He even says himself that he isn’t very bright. However, this is likely a result of his mother’s treatment of him, as he hasn’t been allowed to develop as he should have.

The shot in Undercover that shows his room shows young children’s toys on the floor. This, along with his speech patterns, show that he remains in a child’s mindset, despite being 17 years old. I believe that this is due to him becoming ‘stuck’ at an age where he experienced a traumatic event as a child - the event that revolved around fireworks and the girl in his MV.

Haruka’s primary motivation is love. He was neglected and emotionally abused by his mother his whole life, and so has been deprived of the love that most people receive from their parents. Despite love being his motivation, he shows in his interrogation questions that he doesn’t really understand what it is - he just knows that he wants it.

While his primary motivation is love, Haruka’s primary fear is abandonment. He is also afraid of being deceived, which again ties into his fear of abandonment. Haruka believes that everyone will leave him when they learn what he has done, and also believes that he will bring misfortune to others. This belief of bringing misfortune to others is likely a belief that his mother gave to him.

Haruka avoids situations and things that remind him of his trauma, such as animals and small children. This, as well as imagery in his MV, his mother’s treatment of him and his general personality, lead me to believe that he experiences PTSD.

The kanji in his given name means ‘far’ or ‘distant’, which likely references his personality, and the fact that he finds it difficult to get close to and communicate with others, due to having been deprived of connections for most of his life.

MV Analysis

I believe that Weakness takes place after Haruka has committed his crimes, and that it’s showing events from his past in the form of nightmares and flashbacks, which is why they appear distorted and there is heavy symbolism. As a result of this, even what we see in the MV is ambiguous as to whether it really happened, as dreams are not always literal and even with flashback-type nightmares, key facts can appear different to what happened in reality.

At the beginning of the MV, we see Haruka sitting in front of a dressing table, looking at himself in the mirror. The table is likely his mothers, as the perfume bottles on it seem to belong to a woman. Behind Haruka, we can see a window that shows that it’s daytime, but when his reflection in the mirror changes into his younger self, we can see that it is night-time outside (with red sky and a full moon). As the image changes, I believe this is Haruka experiencing a flashback, or perhaps a sign that he is having a nightmare.

I also believe that Haruka experiences PTSD as a result of his mother being emotionally abusive and neglectful towards him. I believe that this mistreatment when he was a young child explains a lot of his current personality - his behaviour fits in well with the behaviours of people who survive emotional abuse (doubting his own perception of things, a very strong negative opinion of himself, fear of abandonment).

There are many lyrics in Weakness that I believe point towards Haruka’s mother being emotionally abusive. The notable ones to me are: ‘Tell me, why are you drifting away from me? / Tell me, why do you say it’s my fault?’ and ‘If I tried and couldn’t say it / You would get angry at me and say “You’re hopeless”’. I believe that these lyrics are directed at Haruka’s mother.

As for imagery in the MV, when Haruka initially falls backwards from the dressing table, he falls into the liquid from his mother’s perfume, which shows how her treatment of him has surrounded him. Later, while he’s walking alongside her happily, she barely looks back down at him, and when adult Haruka pushes his younger self back, the following image is shown:

I believe the drawing in the background is meant to be Haruka’s mother, and his cruel treatment of his younger self is meant to show that he has internalised his mother’s abuse, going on to blame and punish himself for what he believes she would blame and punish him for.

Later, it shows Haruka as a child watching the fireworks with a girl his own age, whose face is blacked out like his mother’s. While it’s not clear what exactly happened, something bad happened to the girl, and she vanished from his life.

This is pure speculation, but I don’t think that Haruka killed the girl. I think something bad happened to her - possibly she even died - and that Haruka blames himself for what happened, whether fairly or unfairly. I believe that what happened was traumatic to Haruka, and he tried to avoid thinking about the bad part by focusing on his memory of the fireworks, which is a part of his denial.

Later, Haruka is petting a dog with his mother. Then, he goes outside to search for the dog, and comes across the dog’s body. Initially, I believed that Haruka had killed the dog, and I still think that this is a highly likely theory, as yellow roses are seen (which in flower language used to represent jealousy), and the lyrics that play during this point are ‘You praised me by saying “You’re crazy” / Thank you, I’ll do my best’ which, to me, alludes to children acting out for attention when they are being neglected, because due to the lack of positive attention they begin to see all forms of attention as a good thing, including negative attention.

However, in the timeline conversations, there is an exchange between Haruka and Shidou where Haruka has bloodied hands, and he tells a concerned Shidou that it comes from a bad habit of his, that when he’s tense he clenches his fists and his nails dig into his palms, causing them to appear bloodied.

Shidou: Sakurai-kun...? Could you show me your hand? Haruka: Hei!? No, this isn’t... it’s n-nothing... Shidou: Lend it to me. ...Your palm is covered in blood. Let’s have it disinfected. This... has it always been like this? Haruka: A-ah... I-it’s a habit... W-When I feel tense I grip my hands really tight, and my nails...

This detail has caused me to wonder if Haruka didn’t actually kill the dog. We see child Haruka looking for the dog nervously, and then appearing horrified when he finds the dogs corpse, then he looks down at his hands and sees blood on them. We also only see adult Haruka bludgeoning the dog. It’s common for people with PTSD to re-experience trauma from different perspectives, or with details changed, so it’s possible that Haruka did not kill the dog.

However, at this point, I think either explanation could be possible, so I’ll leave both of those theories here and move on.

Later, when it shows adult Haruka strangling child Haruka, I believe that this is when Haruka’s Milgram murder takes place. Before he begins strangling his child self, he is seen looking at a memory of himself being ignored by his mother, and becomes enraged, lashing out at his child self and strangling him, seemingly in an act of self-loathing.

However, I believe that Haruka is actually murdering his mother, having finally snapped and let out all of his repressed feelings. After the murder is over, I believe that Haruka was so horrified by what he did, he went into denial - which is something he has practice from doing his whole life - and the details of what he did became distorted.

In conclusion, I believe the following:

The MV takes the form of Haruka’s nightmares, which is why it’s ambiguous, unreliable and distorted

Haruka was emotionally abused and neglected by his mother since childhood

Haruka didn’t kill the girl, but he does blame himself for what happened to her

EITHER: Haruka killed the dog to try and get his mother to notice him, OR Haruka didn’t kill the dog but still in some way blames himself for the dog’s death

Haruka killed his mother directly due to his repressed feelings of anger towards her for abusing and neglecting him

Haruka is horrified by what he did, and on some level is in denial of the facts of what happened

Misc Analysis

Undercover

Haruka’s bedroom has toys that would be more appropriate in the bedroom of a young child. This shows that he is mentally stuck in a child-like state. Interestingly, there is also a drawing of a tree with two snakes that also appears during his MV. I don’t know what this means.

Haruka is shown strangling Es, which backs up the idea that Haruka’s murder happened when he was shown strangling his child self. Haruka’s mouth is wide open, showing that his murder involved heightened emotion on his part. This wasn’t a cold and calculated murder, this was a spur-of-the-moment response to something.

Interrogation Questions

I’m picking a few notable interrogation questions to analyse. In general, though, Haruka’s answers were much simpler than Yuno’s, which shows his child-like mindset and difficulty in understanding things.

Q: If one of your wishes could be granted, what would it be? A: I want to be loved.

Pretty straightforwards. This shows Haruka’s core motivation is to be loved.

Q: When was your first love? A: I don’t know.

Q: What’s the difference between romantic love and just love? A: Don’t they both mean that you like someone?

Q: What’s your ideal date plan? A: I don’t understand.

Despite his core motivation being wanting to be loved, Haruka doesn’t understand much about love, due to having been deprived of it his whole life.

Q: What kind of person is your father? A: I disappointed him.

This is the only time we hear of Haruka’s father. I’d guess that his mother blamed Haruka for his father leaving them, and that’s why he believes that he disappointed his father.

Q: Have you ever had a pet before? A: I have not.

Q: What is your favourite animal? A: I don’t like animals.

Q: What are some things you can’t deal with? A: Small children and animals.

Haruka denies any incident that was traumatic to him.

Q: What do you think of your family? A: I love them.

Despite having been deprived of love from his mother, he still says he loves them.

Q: Tell us what you enjoy doing. A: I like talking with the other prisoners.

Haruka talks about what he’s been doing since coming to Milgram, which implies that he didn’t have much he enjoyed doing beforehand.

Two Breaths Walking

A song about a boy meeting a girl. The girl tries to teach the boy about life, but due to the boy’s mother having taught him about life wrongly, he struggles to understand, and as a result ends up hurting the girl.

With Haruka as the boy, the girl in his MV as the girl, and his mother as the boy’s mother, this directly parallels Haruka’s MV. There isn’t much to talk about, because the parallels are pretty direct. It backs up the idea that Haruka’s mother was abusive, teaching him wrongly through her abuse and neglect.

Voice Drama

Es: Now, let’s begin the interrogation. Prisoner Number 1, Haruka. Haruka: O-Okay… I-I’m sorry… Es: Huh? Do you have something to apologise for? Haruka: U-uh, no… I’m sorry.

This shows us Haruka’s submissive personality. This kind of apologising for any perceived fault is very common in survivors of emotional abuse, because they learnt in the abusive environment that their abuser could find fault in anything, and to lower the severity of abuse, they would apologise. However, as this level of apologising isn’t needed or expected in regular situations, when it carries over it stands out.

Haruka: Ah, uh, um… I didn’t understand whatever it was you were saying. It was difficult. Es: Huh? Haruka: Uh, um… I’m sorry. I’m not that bright. Es: Haruka. What age are you? Haruka: Um… 17 years old, I think. Es: You think? Haruka: Uh, well… I have no interest in my age… I’m sorry.

Haruka isn’t used to having to think for himself, which is also common in survivors of emotional abuse. Abusers try to make their victims dependent on them, they may try to make decisions for their victims, or in the case of abusive parents may speak for them and deprive their children of the ability to develop. Taking into account Haruka’s cover song, I think it’s likely that this was the case with his mother.

Es: The only name left that hasn’t been said is Amane. Haruka: A-Amane. Es: What’s wrong? Haruka: I-I’m not good with them. Children at that age. A-Amane is a good girl, but she brings back b-bad memories.

This is most likely referring to whatever happened with the girl in Haruka’s MV. Haruka avoids thinking about traumatic incidents, even in his nightmares he avoids the details of them. Avoiding triggers of traumatic events is a symptom of PTSD.

Haruka: It’ll happen sometime. I… I… Even though I try to be normal, everything gets ruined. You, everyone, if you knew me… If you knew everything that I did… I’m… gonna be abandoned, that’s bound to happen. Because I’m a selfish killer.

Due to his abuse, Haruka solely blames himself for everything that happens. It’s likely that his mother blames him even for things that weren’t his fault, so this thought process stuck. Haruka’s primary motivation is love, and his biggest fear is abandonment.

Glitched Voice Line

Then what should I have done instead!? Tell me! Tell me so even I can understand!

I believe that this line from Haruka is addressed to his mother who he killed. He felt that he had no way to gain her love, and he is looking to her to tell him what to do.

Other Theories

Twin Theory

A theory I’ve seen says that the child in Haruka’s MV isn’t Haruka as a child, and is actually his twin. I don’t think we have any evidence to support this. I think that, given how much of Haruka’s MV is made up with abstract imagery, we should be careful with interpreting it too literally.

Autistic Haruka Theory

I have no issue with people seeing Haruka as being autistic, however, all of the theories about him being autistic seem to come from an outdated view of autism. I am autistic myself, and while I can recognise a lot of autistic traits in Haruka’s behaviour, I don’t think autism is what they were going for. I think that Haruka’s ‘autistic traits’ are, instead, supposed to show that he’s in a child-like mentality after a trauma that took place in his childhood, and that his behaviour has been strongly influenced by his abusive mother. I believe we have evidence that points towards this specifically, but no evidence that points specifically towards Haruka being autistic.

Unexplained

Why does Haruka say that his hands bleed when he’s nervous and what connection does that have to the blood on his hands in the MV?

What is the significance of the necklace that Haruka wears?

What is the significance of the girl in the MV?

What happened while watching the fireworks?

Did Haruka kill the girl?

What’s the significance of the tree and the snakes?

Final Verdict

My Verdict: Innocent.

I’m very glad that the popular vote determined that Haruka was innocent! My major reasons for this are: 

1. His MV is the most abstract right now - it’s unclear exactly what happened, so any judgement based on his crime is going to be difficult. 2. For Haruka to open up more, I think he needs to be reassured that he will not be abandoned. I think that Haruka’s second MV will give us more details, because we have reassured him that he will not be abandoned.

Thank you for reading this ridiculously long thing! I hope to write these for all of the prisoners, and eventually catch up to where we currently are with the voting! If you enjoyed my analysis, please consider sharing so it can reach a wider audience!

[a-little-slice-of-fandom]

In response to the Jane ask, I totally agree! Her song, as vague as it might be in the newer versions, is very much about emotional abuse and her realizing/reflecting on it. In the other versions this is arguably even clearer! Besides the list in the first verse, there’s a line in the student run version that always get me, in the second verse after “with out my son your love will disappear”. Usually in the lastest version it’s “I know it isn't fair, but I don't care”, which can be a sign of even tho she knows that he has hurt her at this point, her love will still be there for her son. But the student run it’s something like “you’ll let us fall apart, try to break my heart” which I think is much more powerful in showing more of her self awareness at what would happen to her. Also that opening monologue before about if she was really loved or just checked all the boxes on a list before she could make him angry, she knew that he would be willing to destroy her if she didn’t do as he wanted (Cause Anne wasn’t some death that would never happen again and that only happened cause Jane was there, he was to said to have threaten Jane with the same fate cause of the pilgrimage of grace incident (also well it did happened gain two queens later). Also just a slight unrelated thing, I can sorta understand why people blame Jane for Anne’s death but also not really. It was a whole campaign against Anne, and we only know that Jane was yeah trying to be queen due to influence from her family and others trying make sure she was but I don’t think it’s her fault Henry (and others) decided the best course of action would be to kill Anne. Though I am not a big Tudor researcher, this is only from multiple weeks and hours of searching and learning cause of curiosity and someone could fact check me but that’s what i interpreted the history as. Random rant over) Also the fact (and I’m pretty sure this is true in the newest version), she says “loved” most of the time. The past tense is important there, cause yeah maybe she did truly think she “loved” him. And he may have been the only one she ever “loved” but that cause she probably didn’t get a chance to love someone else (when Henry says it’s you, it’s you after all). This is just speculation though, I can’t assume what a 500 year old historical figure was truly feeling but a character in a show is different and ready for analysis. For that I say that maybe she did “love” him but it easily could have been out of fear or wanting to just deal with the cards dealt to her. But at the end she realizes where she wants her love to be directed towards, and that’s her son and in “Six” her new found family.

And fun fact about her part in “Six” (I kinda learned from something on tumblr but can’t remember who but either way here it is.) it’s 200% about the queens as her family, with her pun at the end being the main signifier of this. “You could perhaps call us the Tudor Von Trapps” is a reference to the Trapp Family Singers, an Austrian singing family (if you see the wiki for them, they are apparently the inspiration for sound of music, Neat!). So from that you would think “oh she’s talking about Henry and her kids with him having a band” but then she says “Just kidding! We’re called the Royalling Stones!”. A Rolling Stones references and they were made by friends forming a band, so that can be associated that the queens are said friends in this case but also part of family that has grown! Also Rolling Stones have a song called heart of stone, seriously this is the most clever joke Jane had during the show and it makes me, a pun/joke lover, very happy to see this be such a character trait that it’s in the damn description for her character for an auditioning sheet (check out Citadle Theather and Six the Musical in google, i think you’ll find it.)

Anyway sorry about this long ramble, it’s just that even though I totally can see how people view Jane as “weaker” in terms of some writing choices made, I still think there’s a lot to talk about with not just her current incarnation but also the other ones as well. I wish some changes werent made to her song, but she is a still strong character about the effects of emotional abuse and maternity. There’s nothing bad about talking about those things, your right that it doesn’t make her any less feminist. Anyway ramble over and I hope you have a lovely day :)

Hello hun!

Please don’t apologise for rambling! I’m always so interested in hearing other opinions on the queens and I love the opportunity to discuss any queen at any time! Frankly, I’m just impressed you got the whole essay into one message! Have they gotten rid of the character limit? Sorry, not relevant to the question.

(Also sorry for how long this took to answer! Uni happened sort of happened and I didn’t want to half ass my response to such a well thought out ask)

I adore the older versions of Heart of Stone, especially the student run version! I completely agree that Seymour feels so much more aware of her place in Henry’s life in the older versions. In the older version she knows she wasn’t Henry’s true love (even though she loved him) and she knows her worth is completely dependent on her ability to give Henry a son. She literally says “nothing lasts forever, I’ll fade away”. That is such a powerful statement and I wish that line was still in the song! I still think these themes are in the new version, but they’re nowhere near as explicit. Plus the character development in the student run feels much more explicit, with Seymour saying “soon I’ll have to go, I’ll never see you grow” instead of “him grow” in the new versions. She’s clearly speaking to Edward in the older version, so the last half of HOS in the old versions (at least in my eyes) is actually directly speaking to Edward and not Henry as many people think. I still think this is true for the new versions, illustrating Seymour’s character development as she breaks away from Henry and rather concentrates on her son, but again I don’t think it’s obvious in the new version. The older version just felt so much more powerful and I think it presented Seymour as much more as a victim than the newer version...which I argue is true! Seymour was as much of a victim as any other character in the show and I think she deserves more sympathy than the show gives her, and for as much as I love the newer versions of six, you can’t deny that Seymour is reduced to a joke for half of the show. The student version is such a genuine and earnest version of Seymour, and I can’t help but love her. It’s definitely a testament to the actresses from the student run that their characters are still on parr with professional versions of the show!

(Im so sorry I don’t feel like I’m adding anything to your analysis, but you’ve really summed up my feelings perfectly! )

Weirdly, I think that the student run and studio run play with the idea of having a “heart of stone” better than the modern version. I love the contrast between the material things that Henry can buy versus the natural world. Material things can fade, but the natural world (and Seymour’s love) transcends that. It’s a really nice use of juxtapostion in that song and I just don’t feel like the newer versions play with those images as much as the older version.

I do sort of get why they changed it (I think Seymour spends upwards of 10 just listing different objects, which is powerful in its own way but I do think audience members could get bored of those verses) but I wished they had still somehow managed to keep the theme that Seymour as explicit. I still think it’s there in the newer version of the song, but I don’t think it’s anywhere near as obvious as the older version. It would make HOS more like AYWD in a way, and that would be brilliant. Six shouldn’t be afraid to tackle different forms of abuse.

I personally can’t comment on the whole Anne Boleyn vs Jane Seymour thing because I just don’t know enough about the situation. However I don’t think any of the wives should be burdened with the blame of what happened to their predecessors. It wasn’t their fault.

Also I’d never thought of the tudor von trapps vs the royalling stones indicating that it was a found family rather than a blood family, but it’s actually such a neat little detail and I think it makes complete sense! I have always maintained that Seymour’s “family” doesn’t have to be related by blood. Found family is just as meanigful and as important as a bloof family, and Seymour finding her place with the other queens and calling them her family rather than Henry is very powerful in my opinion. I just don’t think the “my family’s grown” lime has to be as literal as people take it. Thanks for bringing that line to my attention though!

Seymour isn’t a “weak” character, both in term of the writing and in terms of character development. As much as I love the older versions of Seymour, I still like the new versions and appreciate that Toby and Lucy decided to allow Seymour to be a motherly character and have that be treated as an equally empowering thing as the other queens. Some women want to be mothers and that’s okay!

Anyway thank you so much for this ask my love! I really enjoyed thinking about Seymour (since she’s not a character I talk about a lot). Sorry again for taking so long to respond ❤️❤️❤️

[pagingevilspawn]

Loving You Is A Losing Game- chapter seven

i actually hate this, so ew. but i’ve forgotten that i write, so i’ll try to type some stuff up tomorrow! regardless, i hope everyone enjoys! click here to read on ao3. 

TW// domestic abuse

~*~

"small town boy in a big arcade. i got addicted to a losing game."

~*~

alexandra: you do realize how crazy that sounds right?

joseph: it's not crazy at all if you ask me.

alexandra: jo, asking for lollipops for your christmas present sounds very crazy to me.

and christmas isn't for like, a while.

joseph: dude, christmas is in two weeks and one day

and plus, i'm settling on lollipops. what i really want is a pony, a shiny, pretty one with rainbow hair, you know those? that's my dream right there

alexandra: oh crap really?

yeah yeah, ha ha. laughing so much right now.

joseph: hate to break it to you, but it's the 10th alex.

and i know, what a shame i wont be able to have my pony. it was at the top of my list this year

next to an ice cream sundae the size of manhattan, obviously.

alexandra: very funny. can't you tell how much i'm laughing.

crap, got to go, robbins is letting me in on an esophageal atresia on a newborn. i'm her favorite you know.

joseph: ugh, lucky.

make sure to kick ass and not kill anyone. that would suck. 

actually... your big head could use some ego deflating. make sure robbins has to save you halfway through. maybe then you'll earn some humility.  

alexandra: wow, you're such great help. so nice too.

joseph: you know it ;)

she turns off her phone, a small smile on her face as she looks out the window, passing by houses that all looked exactly alike; white exteriors with a bright green lawn. the only thing that could help someone tell them apart was the door colors. her and paul had just come back from a dinner with some of his coworkers, but he wasn't talking to her so she decided to text alex. the silence in the car was tense, though she was unable to grasp the reason why.

they'd been texting non-stop since the conference three weeks ago, talking about each other's days, complaining about annoying coworkers and classmates. they really enjoyed having a friend they could just talk to because they felt like it. it was refreshing. they'd never had anyone like that before. in the past they had friends that they felt comfortable around, but it was different when you had someone who understood you so well. not to mention, being able to make self deprecating jokes about their crappy childhoods and receive a laugh in response was so much nicer than the pity stares they were both so used to getting,

she snaps back to reality at the sound of the engine turning off, cutting the music as the expensive car door opens. she sees paul angrily walk out of the car, slamming the door behind him, not stopping by her side of the car to open the door for her like he normally did. (she was actually thankful for that. she was a grown women, she could open a damn door herself)

weird, she thinks, but decides not to question it. her husband had been a bit more moody and temperamental lately, so she supposed it was just that. but the dinner seemed to go really good in her opinion. she got along with his colleagues and paul certainly enjoyed himself, getting to be around all his coworkers and interact freely. she liked to think that his colleagues liked her as well. they complimented her all evening and included her in all of their conversations. though, she did wish that they would've referred to her by her name more, rather than 'mrs. stalder' or 'paul's wife.'

she gets out of the passenger side and shuts the door behind her, walking up to the steps after she hears that paul had locked the car. she places the small clutch she had on the entry table and walks to the kitchen, seeing paul sitting at the kitchen island, nothing in front of him except tea that he had heated up in the minute or so he'e been in there. she kisses his cheek and starts talking, knowing that it would probably help calm whatever he was feeling.

she gives him a smile, rubbing his shoulder affectionately. "it seemed like the dinner went really well, all of your coworkers are super nice and-"

"you talked to steven too much." he cuts her off, sending an icy glare her way, and look she had never seen on him before shining darkly in his eyes.

she cocks her head to the side, "huh?"

he stands up from his place abruptly, making her jump back slightly. "i said," he spits out, eyes narrowing as he stares her down "you talked to steven too much."

she lets out a loud laugh, thinking that he was just joking around and messing with her. at any second he was going to join her giggling, ignoring the way his eyes had only seemed to darken the second the sounds had escaped her mouth."oh, that's funny." she says in between laughs, eyes shining with childish glee. "jesus you really scared m-"

pain.

her words get cut off by a fist coming directly into contact with her face. she feels the stinging sensation burn from her eye to her cheek, her brown eyes watering with tears as she realizes what had just happened. she lifts a palm up to touch it protectively, almost making it seem like it was more real if she touched it.

oh god, it hurt. it hurt like hell. his gold wedding band adding to the impact was sure to leave a scar by the corner of her eye. she'd been punched before, multiple times actually by foster parents and girls while she was in high school, but this hurt so much more. it was so much harder than she'd ever been hit before.

her husband just hit her.

"oh brooke, baby." paul says, taking her into his arms and brushing her hair back immediately, trying to get her to relax into his embrace. "i just got so mad. you just made me so mad brooke. you can't make me mad like that" he tells her, eyes dripping with some kind of emotion she can't place as he places light kisses on top of her sea of brown curls, ignoring the way the way she stood stiffly in his arms, a few lone tears making it's way down her cheeks.  

"i love you. you know that brooke" he whispers, wiping the tears from her face, his hands feeling usually rough against her skin, his touch not easing over the bruise that hard already begun to form.

she nods. it was okay. he loved her. he didn't mean it. he just got angry. it was okay. it was fine. he loved her, it was okay.

she thought she probably deserved it. after all she'd cheated on her husband just three weeks before, and had continued to keep in contact with the man she had cheated with. it was only karma.  

"i'm sorry paul." she apologizes sincerely as he cups her face in his hands, giving her a sweet smile. it wasn't his fault. it was hers.  

"it just better not happen again." he states, eyes burning into hers intently, his grip on her face tightening without her even realizing it. all she really felt was numb, as if all of her senses had seemingly shut down to avoid dealing with the pain that was spreading throughout the side of her face.

she nods her head up and down as she pulls her back into him. "i'm sorry" she whispers into his chest.

he smiled.

and that's when he knew he had her.

____

alex finished scrubbing out of a surgery, shaking off the excess water on his hands, grinning internally. it was always so much better when he was able to help save a kid. the success was just that much more fulfilling. he's about to push the door open when it swings in itself, making him come face to face with cristina, the expression she was wearing was more worried looking than he'd seen in a long time. he'd known yang for a while know, and he knew whatever was about to come out of her mouth would be bad. cristina yang was never worried.

"what do you want yang?" he asks, noting how she had her hands crossed over her chest and was avoiding his gaze.

"there's a merger happening." she says, looking up to meet his eyes to let him know that she was serious.

his narrows his eyes, scrunching up his nose. "what?" he questions. a merger? as in, combing two hospitals into one?  

"you just missed the announcement. apparently we're merging with mercy west." the raven head repeats, a slight trace of fear in her voice, a very unusual thing for cristina yang.

he lets out a deep breath, tugging his scrub cap off and running a hand through his hair as he leans over the scrub sink, gripping it so tightly his knuckles begin to turn white. "i can't loose this job yang." he says to her softly, making her nod in agreement.

"you and me both." with that she walks out of the room, alex not far behind her, both of the surgeons heading up to the resident's lounge to change, which was filled to the brim with chatter, all of the doctors talking about the newest topic, the merger.

meredith sits down next to him, slipping a long sleeved purple shirt over her head when she casts a glance to alex, who was sitting still looking down at his phone's empty screen, seemingly deep in thought, almost as if he was waiting for something to magically appear on it.

the blonde nudges him, snapping him out of his trance. alex sighs, resting his elbows on his knees as he buries his head in his hands. "what am i gonna do about iz?" he asks her, judging by her face that she was drawing a blank, much like him.

jesus, this was great. these past few weeks he had hardy been able to look his wife in the eye, because every time he saw her he was reminded that he slept with someone else. not to mention, he was just texting that certain someone just a few hours ago. he was really screwed. izzie had currently been home on bedrest, not being allowed to return to work until two weeks from now, which apparently would also be when the mercy westers would turn up. fucking great. he felt as if the universe was rallying against him at this point, no matter how much he knew that wasn't possible. he dug his own grave, it was just a matter of time before he would need to lay in it.

"she'll be okay." meredith reassures him, but he can tell by the look on her face that she was unsure as well. who knew would end up getting cut? they would need to pull their heads out of their asses and prove that they deserved to stay. none of them could lose their spot. not only because of their job, but also because of the people there. they were a family. they couldn't lose any more of their family. they'd just lost george, and they couldn't lose another.

"evil spawn, put on a shirt!" cristina yells, balling up a shirt from his locker and throwing it at him, hitting him square in the chest as he glares at her. he pulls on the shirt silently and heads out, not bothering to say goodbye to anybody as he leaves the lounge and heads straight to joe's across the street.

he slides onto a barstool, ordering a beer and thanking the bartender with a slight nod of his head. how was he supposed to tell izzie about the merger? he knew that if his wife knew, she would want to return to work immediately, but he knew she couldn't do that. she was still getting her strength back, and standing around on her feet all day surely would delay the healing process. he couldn't risk her getting hurt because he wasn't able to stop her.

he'd done enough recently, even if izzie didn't know about most of it. the last thing he needed was to cause his wife more harm than he already had.

he was going to tell her, he knew that, just not right now. right now he was going to sit on this uncomfortable wooden bar stool and drink his beer and forget he had any problems. he was going to forget about the merger, he was going to forget about him and izzie going at it twenty-four seven, and he was definitely going to forget about the brunette with a fake name who seemed to be on his mind all the time.

he was just going to forget everything, his only focus being his beer and the football game on the small television above the bar. yeah, that sounded like a good idea. a really good idea.

____

okay, so he forgot about two out of those three things.

he was actually doing pretty good for a while, almost a full hour with nearly a beer and a half finished. all he had been focused on was the seahawks playing against the steelers, with the steelers crushing the seattle team thirty-four to seven. not much of a surprise though, he couldn't remember the last time he'd witnessed the seahawks win. it wasn't that they were a completely crap team, it was simply the fact that one; the steelers were much better this year, and two; he hardly ever got enough time to sit down and watch a game. being a resident drained the life out of him, especially since he had finally knew that he wanted to specialize in peds. when he wasn't at the hospital he was reading up new medical procedures in magazines, or occasionally sneaking over to meredith's to watch old ellis grey tapes.  

he was doing really... until he got a text message from jo.

joseph: how was your surgery?

alexandra: wow, you must be bored.

joseph: ...

what makes you say that?

alexandra: really?

joseph: i'm in med school, thank you very much. i have a severe interest in your surgeries. 

alexandra: mhm, sure.

joseph: fine, i'm bored. entertain me. please.

alexandra: that sounds vaguely dirty.

joseph: oh great. how drunk are you?

alexandra: what makes you say that?

haha, two can play that game.

joseph: i'm guessing two beers in?

alexandra: shut up, only one and a half.

joseph: mhm, wasn't too far off

but seriously. i'm bored and am in need of anything remotely interesting. you just scrubbed in on a super cool surgery, i want details

alexandra: fine, baby maria duboir, two weeks old, robbins let me lead the procedure about half way through, coded once, we then shocked her at 150, and now she is stable and in the NICU.

happy?

joseph: yes. very much so

although i do think your OR stories need work

you sound like you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about

alexandra

wow. you're a real delight you know that?

joseph: oh, believe me, i know. don't even get me started on how many times people have complimented how freaking amazing i am

it's quite a common occurrence.  

if i had a dollar for every time someone said that to me, i'd be living on my own private island

alexandra: i bet you would.

seriously though, tell me something. i've got nothing better to do than watch the seahawks get crushed.

joseph: i'm guessing that's sports talk, so i'm just gonna ignore that, since it hate any sport where men look like giant block of cheese, run around a court, or just run in general.

but today's been boring. went to a dinner tonight. fancy stuck-up rich people who laugh with posh accents and sip their champagne way too slowly

fucking turtles.

alexandra: sounds fun.

joseph: you suck. i can literally hear the sarcasm through the phone asshole

alexandra: that's the point. i'll take a sick kid over fancy dinner any day.

crap, that sounded really horrible didn't it?

joseph: it really did

"i'll take a sick kid over a fancy dinner any day" real charming if you ask me. night in shining amour.

alexandra

yeah yeah you know what i mean.

____

they're not sure how long they end up talking for, alex siting at joe's bar and jo lounging on the couch in her living room while her husband was in his study going over and grading tests for one of his classes. before either one of them even know it, it gets to be twelve thirty boston time and nine thirty in seattle. alex's texts had gotten much harder to read, which made sense, considering he was now on his third beer.

jo teased him about it though, finding it more enjoyable than she would've guessed to text a drunk alex than a sober one. he seemed to get increasingly flirtier the tipsier he got. not to mention, all the spelling mistakes he made was definitely one for the books. she had a feeling that it was getting a but harder for him to see which letters where which, considering a few b's were located where there should be d's, and 'm' where they should be an 'n'

alex knows for a fact he's earning many stares from fellow people at the bar because of how much he's laughing (loudly too), but he doesn't really care. if he's gonna laugh, he's gonna laugh. all he could really focus on was the fluorescent lights hanging from the bar's wood ceiling and the frankly hilarious texts coming through his phone. (okay, so they weren't that funny, but everything is always a lot more funny when you're drunk)

jo was thoroughly enjoying herself, laughing more and more as she sank into the couch, completely forgetting about the bruise on her left cheek as she typed away, grinning from ear to ear when the man on the other side responded, words misspelt and random numbers and semicolons popping up from time to time.

they knew that what they had done was wrong. they knew that what they were doing was wrong. but they couldn't stop.

if only they had stopped sooner.

[agentark88]

Think: Chapter Fourteen: Fighting Toward Finals

My Hero Academia Fan Fiction by Agent ARK 88

Disclaimer: The following is a work of fan fiction using characters and settings from My Hero Academia/Boku no Hero Academia created by Kohei Horikoshi. I do not claim any ownership of characters present in this piece that are owned and created by Kohei Horikoshi. I do not own My Hero Academia/Boku no Hero Academia.

Any references to historical events, real people, or real locales are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead is entirely coincidental.

Trigger Warnings: Language, Abuse, and Violence

Please be aware this piece is in second person perspective, following my original character, Think, Anna Kokoro, who is a transfer student from America. I will be posting in chapters/sections. This chapter gets pretty heavy. Thank you for reading! I really appreciate the support.

 Chapter Fourteen: Fighting Toward Finals

“You have to shift your hips more,” Midoriya said.

You were drenched in sweat, and there wasn’t a droplet on the broccoli boy yet. Shinso and Todoroki stood on the sidelines of the gym, neither of which wanting to spar with each other nor talk. After having thrown a major fit about whom would train with you first, you shut them both down, asking Midoriya to show you some take downs and throws.

“How can you do it so easily?” you asked, getting closer to him again on the mat.

“It just takes practice,” he said. “It’s not going to come naturally at first since this is newer for you.”

You nodded, approaching him again. Midoriya threw a very slow punch to get you started. You spun, holding his wrist and trying to hoist him over you, but for such a tiny looking guy he was way heavier than you thought he’d be, and you couldn’t even get his feet off of the ground.

“I can’t,” you said.

“Trust me you can,” Midoriya said. His hot breath came over your ear, and your whole body tensed under him.

You let Midoriya go, puffing out your cheeks and taking a few steps back. You shook out your arms and bounced a little on your toes to motivate yourself to try again. You remembered the feeling of being lifted, remembered what pressure Midoriya had put on your body to so easily flip you over him when he’d first showed you the technique. You could do this. It was just like reaching out with your quirk, only now it was with your hands.

“Okay. I’ve got it this time,” you said. “Come at me.” You readied yourself, planting your feet like you remembered Midoriya had at the beginning of training.

Midoriya gave you a look of pity, seeing how hard you were trying, but all the same, he came at you again with the punch. You grabbed his wrist, picturing the motion fluently in your mind. You closed your eyes, letting yourself flow into it. When you opened your eyes, Midoriya had landed on his back directly in front of you with a shocked expression on his face.

“I did it,” you said breathlessly. “I did it!” you shouted.

Midoriya gave you a nervous smile, gently rubbing the back of his head. “You sure did.”

You reached out your hand to help him back up. “Can I try again?” you asked with enthusiasm.

“S-sure,” he sputtered.

Midoriya showed you a couple of more throws, until the other two boys were growing inpatient. Midoriya looked like he’d been spun in a dryer one too many times by the time one of them spoke up.

“Throws are good and all, but you might want to practice with someone a bit taller,” Shinso interjected. “It might be a little harder for you to take them down.”

Midoriya looked simultaneously relieved and insulted by Shinso’s words. You turned to Shinso and motioned him over, receiving a confused look from him. He quirked up an eyebrow.

“Then get over here,” you said. “I hope I won’t be up against anyone taller than you.”

Shinso smirked, taking Midoriya’s place.

“You can go a little faster than Midoriya.  I think I’ve got it now.” You wiped sweat from your brow.

Shinso chuckled lightly, rolling his eyes. “I won’t be too rough with you, Kitten.”

You didn’t lose focus. You waited patiently for him to come at you. Shinso’s smirk weakened when he saw the intense concentration radiating from you. He took his stance. He kept his punch at about the same speed as Midoriya did. You pulled into it. To Shinso’s surprise, his height did not keep you from launching him overhead to land on the mat in front of you. Your smile brightened in triumph. You dusted your hands together.

“Okay, we should work on sparring now,” you said. Your breathing had started to become ragged. Your knees were shaking a little.

“Drink some water first,” Todoroki said, heading in your direction.

“I’m fine,” you said. “I’m ready for the next lesson.”

“You need to take breaks,” he said softly. “You don’t want to overwork yourself.”

Todoroki put a hand on your shoulder, before you had time to protest. You felt the heaviness in your body at that single touch and realized how much you were actually shaking. You sighed, making your way over to the corner with your water bottle and towel. The four of you sat in a circle together.

“How’s it going with Bakugo?” you asked Midoriya.

He choked a bit on the water he’d just started drinking. “Not well. He refuses to talk to me about strategy. I think he’s been training really hard anyway, so I’ll just have to train separately.”

“I’m sure he’ll cave eventually,” you said. “He should know the importance of being prepared as a team.” You retied your hair up, catching your breath. “Who do you think the teachers will put us up against?” you asked.

“Who knows,” Shinso said, stretching out his legs.

“They’re probably going to put us up against a faculty member that would put us at a disadvantage,” Todoroki said.

“That doesn’t exactly narrow it down for me.” You hummed to yourself. “I don’t think that they’re going to take it easy on us either.”

“No use worrying over it,” Shinso said, putting his hands behind his head.

“I guess.” You stood back up. “Okay, I’m ready to go again.”

“My turn,” Shoto said plainly, standing up with you.

Shinso narrowed his eyes at him, but he didn’t get up to protest. You squared off with Todoroki, copying Midoriya’s regular stance when he faces off with an opponent. Shoto looked calm, as he always did. He loosened his stance a bit, scanning you.

“Look here,” he suggested, pointing at a center point on his chest.

You were caught off guard by his forwardness. Your heart fluttered in your chest, trying to figure out the real meaning of his words because certainly he wasn’t trying to get you to check him out.

“If you stare at this point during combat, you can see your opponent’s movements more clearly. Staring at someone’s head leaves you blindsided to lower body movements.”

“O-oh,” you said, shifting your gaze down to the point that he had suggested and becoming hyper aware of how nicely his defined muscles looked underneath his tight shirt. You shook the thought quickly away, blushing. You had to admit that the focal point was a better frame of reference for combat. Your peripherals could pick up a lot more.

“Swing at me,” he said.

“Huh?” you asked, your gaze coming back to meet his eyes.

“Throw a punch at me,” he said.

You didn’t know throws very well, so it didn’t surprise you that they’d taken so long for you to pick up on. Punches were most likely going to be just as hard to figure out. You weren’t lying when you said that your combat skills were lacking. You had no formal training. What you knew about fighting came from movies, mimicking clips from hero versus villain fights, and books. Putting it into practice should have come more difficult for you. It should have.

You threw a punch at Todoroki, and his eyes widened as he barely blocked it. He twisted your arm, holding it into a loose lock and taking a step closer to you. You cringed, feeling the pinch of the lock settle into your wrist.

“Are you certain that you were not formally trained in combat?” he asked.

You shook your head, feeling your cheeks burn from his proximity to you. “I’m self-taught, if anything.”

Todoroki hummed, letting your wrist loose. “I was not expecting you to have a natural talent for it. Your form is good. Your speed is better.”

You looked down at your fist like it was a new weapon you’d discovered. “You think that I have a natural talent for it?” Your eyes shined. Maybe those silly days you spent trying to silently practice in your room paid off.

“I think that you know a lot more than you think you do,” he said. Shoto settled into his stance again, waiting for you to come forward with another attack.

You sent a combination in his direction, and he blocked it more easily this time, stepping away from you.

“When someone swings at you, blocking is key for a counterattack,” Shoto said. He swung his fist at you, and you pulled back your head stumbling before falling to the mat.

Shoto held his hand out to you to get you back up off the ground. You took it, feeling a little silly that you’d fallen so easily.

“Okay,” he said. “Hold your fist out.”

You held your fist out. Todoroki demonstrated a few ways to block the single punch. He took his time to show you, carefully watching that your gaze was keeping track of his actions. Your mind tracked each movement, copying them into your knowledge banks with expert precision. You nodded firmly when Todoroki had showed you the blocks three times each. He settled back into his position again. He swung at you, a bit faster this time. Your hand shot up, slapping his punch out of the way. He pulled back. Shoto swung again. You blocked it differently this time, going under the move. The air around you vibrated. Your mind buzzed, feeling the flow of the movements come much easier for you, now that you knew some kind of technique. You counterattacked this time. Shoto blocked, throwing his one punch again. The two of you swirled around the mat, continuously blocking each other’s moves and gaining speed.

The battle went from a gentle practice to a dance of quick attacks. The two of you exchanged positions several times, going in and out of holds and predicaments. You’d never felt so focused. Your heart raced in your chest. Your feet and hands moved as if this was second nature. Pride sprung up inside you. Despite how much had been kept from you, you were able to overcome. No matter how much your parents had shunned you from the side of you that came naturally, you were able to nurture that part of you on your own. You could become a Pro Hero. You were capable. No one could tell you that your power was a curse, that your strength was something to be frightened of, when you could become the hero you always wanted to be through practice and determination.

Your foot snagged on the mat. In a panic, you froze, ready to catch yourself. Shoto had already thrown the punch. He hit you right in the face, just under your glasses. Shock ripped through his expression. He reached toward you as you fell back. The pain in your cheek surfaced. You felt momentarily lightheaded, most likely because that punch could have knocked you out. When you hit the mat, you blinked up at him, holding your tender cheek and adjusting your jaw.

“Are you alright?” he asked, kneeling down to you. “I should have been more aware of your footing.”

“Ow,” you said, sitting up.

“I’m so sorry,” Todoroki said. His normally stoic expression had crumbled. A glaze covered his heterochromia eyes. He reached out to you, but then jolted back as if he was fighting himself. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“Sorry doesn’t fix you punching her in the face,” Shinso snapped at him. He pushed Shoto out of the way, coming down to meet your gaze. “Let me see,” he said.

“I’m fine,” you said, finally shaking off your shock. “We were sparring. You can’t be mad at Shoto for landing a hit.”

Shinso’s violet eyes stared into yours. “Let me see,” he repeated.

You moved your hand, and his fingers brushed your skin as he looked intently at the area. You cringed and pulled back when he’d touched something tender. He clicked his tongue. “It’s already swelling. Midoriya, she’s going to need ice!”

“On it!” Midoriya shouted back, heading out of the gym.

“It’s really not that bad,” you assured him. “I got hit once. I’m bound to get hit a lot more when it comes to a combat scenario.”

“That’s not the point,” Shinso said. “You should have been more careful,” he snapped back at Todoroki.

Shoto was staring at his open hands. His breathing was growing erratic like it had when you’d argued with him about Shinso. The temperature around you began to fluctuate. Your eyes widened.

“Shoto!” you shouted at him.

His eyes were still not focused. He was trembling. You moved toward him, grabbing his open hands with yours. One of his palms was hot, almost burning to the touch. His other hand was freezing.

“It’s okay, Shoto. I’m okay. We were just training.”

Todoroki’s gaze finally came up to yours. His eyes became focused again. His fingers tightened around yours. He’d finally steadied his breathing, taking back control of his quirk. He pulled back from you.

“I must apologize.” Shoto put a hand to his head. “I didn’t mean to strike you in the face, even if we were sparring. Please forgive me.”

“You don’t need to apologize. We were sparring,” you repeated again. “I was bound to get hit.”

“Excuse me,” Shoto said. He stood and left the gym, leaving his things as well. He nearly ran into Midoriya on his way out, who jolted back at seeing him.

“Todoroki, what’s wrong?” Midoriya asked, but he was already gone. Midoriya brought over the icepack he’d retrieved, handing it to you. His eyes were still focused on the gym doors. “What happened?”

You put the icepack on your cheek, wincing. “I think Todoroki felt guilty that he landed a hit,” you said. “I tried to tell him that we were training, but…” you trailed off. You bit your lip, remembering that distant look in his eyes. He looked like he was in pain, like he was recalling a nightmare.

“I think we should be done with combat training today,” Shinso said. “I was hoping we could do some meditation.”

You left your thoughts to peer up at him. “It doesn’t feel right without Todoroki here,” you said. “Maybe I should go get him.” You tried to stand up, but Shinso put a hand on your shoulder to keep you from moving.

“Can’t you sit still for five seconds? You just got punched. Don’t think I didn’t notice your eyes nearly roll up in your head,” he chastised you.

You huffed. “Again, I’m fine.” You didn’t try to leave though, looking toward the door forlornly. You fidgeted restlessly in your place. “I don’t know how I feel about meditation either. I try to keep myself distracted most of the time, when I’m not trying to use my quirk. It keeps my brain steady.”

“Trust me. Meditation will help you. It helps me focus my quirk.”

Shinso grabbed your shoulders, spinning you away from looking at the door. He pulled your legs out from under you, and you kicked them like a child. You crossed your arms, huffing. Shinso held his hands up in defense.

“Show me how to sit,” you grumbled, setting the sweaty icepack to the side. “I can do it by myself.”

Shinso raised an eyebrow at you, but he sat back in front of you. “Like this,” he said, crossing his legs and relaxing his shoulders. He placed his forearms loosely on his thighs.

You copied him begrudgingly. You couldn’t help the nagging feeling at the base of your skull to go after Todoroki. It wasn’t the first time you’d seen him react like that. Something in his past had to be haunting him. Midoriya looked disturbed by Todoroki’s disappearance as well. He must have felt that giving him space was the best option because he came to sit beside you, matching his posture with Shinso’s.

“We are going to focus on our breathing to start with, letting go of any thoughts that come into the mind. Shut your eyes,” Shinso said. He closed his own eyes.

You had half a mind to get up and walk out while he wasn’t paying attention to you. Your guess was that if you moved, he would easily be able to hear you. You exchanged a look with Midoriya. He shrugged, smiling at you. Midoriya closed his eyes. You straightened your posture again, closing your eyes.

“Breathe in. Breathe out,” Shinso started to set an even pace.

You followed his instructions, letting the thoughts in your mind leave just as quickly as they came.

“Breathe in.” There was a longer pause this time. “Breathe out.”

You rolled out your shoulders, giving in to the steady rhythm. Shinso continued to guide the two of you through the meditation with his words. Soon, Shinso’s directions faded into your subconscious. You breathed automatically in a sluggish pattern. The air around you lifted. Loose strands of your hair flew freely as your quirk began to fluctuate around you, trying to fill the space of empty thoughts with power. Something else took over you in that moment. It was as if you were a passenger in a car that you were no longer driving.

Midoriya’s fluttering thoughts came into the space first, a mixture of social anxiety and assignments due flooded your consciousness. Ochaco blinked in and out of his thoughts, but then his attention focused on Todoroki, his face, his posture when he’d pushed past him. The memory was pushed out, followed by the quiz he’d taken earlier in the week, then you were looking at yourself. You were asleep with your face leaning into his shoulder, a calmness loosening your expression. He lingered on the memory, not letting it go like the others.

Your body felt lighter. Your relaxed hands curled into fists. You tried to gain control again, tried to force the wheel back into your hands. The streamline of thoughts from Midoriya was cut short. You managed to shift your quirk back toward yourself only to shoot out from your mind again. It reached into Shinso’s mind, repelling off of it like a springboard and shooting back into you. You felt your breath catch for a moment, grazing the control of your quirk with a theoretical fingertip, only for you to lose it again. Your mind slipped, ricocheting off of you into another mind, more thoughts.

Fear was the first feeling that clenched your emotions, strangling them. Pain ghosted each of your limbs, the left side of your face was so cold it burned. You were in the body of a child in the memory. You were small, walking with purpose toward a bellowing man’s voice. Your small hand reached up to the door. You were afraid, but you needed the yelling to stop. A woman was before you, one that you recognized, white hair, flowing tears, gray eyes. That was your mother strewn across the floor, a bruise already swelling on her cheek. Above her, a burning fire that threatened to harm her again, a man, your father. His hand raised in anger.

No. Don’t hurt mommy! Don’t hurt her! your small voice echoed.

You grabbed at the man. His piercing blue eyes bore into you. He seized your arm. He was shouting at you, shaking you.

Other memories circulated, streaming passed you. You pulled your arms in, trying to keep everyone from touching you, getting near you. The more you grew, the more time passed. You had to see your father more and more, red hair, disapproving blue eyes examining your every move. He trained you until your bones ached, until your muscles wouldn’t let you move. You listened to him. You stayed with him so he wouldn’t go near your mother. This was better somehow. You’d do anything so he wouldn’t hurt her again. The thoughts shifted aggressively. You saw your eyes. Green and brown irises looking shocked, pain surfacing in your expression. Your gaze came to your hands, fluttering between the past and the present, seeing your father in those hands and now in your own.

You knew this wasn’t you. You knew this pain wasn’t yours. You knew these thoughts didn’t belong to you. Shoto was suffering. He was somewhere suffering. You experienced his childhood in the blink of an eye. You were seeing what he was seeing, what he was thinking.

Your fingers took hold of the steering wheel again, jerking it back into your control. You gasped, opening your tear-filled eyes. Shinso and Midoriya were both standing over you, trying to get you to wake up from whatever trance you had been in. You fell, not far, as if you’d been floating inches from the ground. Your breathing became erratic. Your hands searched the mat as if you were attempting to gain some kind of stability. Sweat dripped from your forehead.

“Woah, it’s okay. It’s just us,” Shinso said, carefully approaching you.

You shrank back from him, clambering to the edge of the mat. “I…” you trailed off, swallowing dryly. “I need to find him.” Your gaze left Shinso. Your feet moved on their own. You crashed through the gym doors.

A startled Shoto jolted back from the noise. His wet eyes turned up to you. He was trembling. You fell to him, wanting to reach out and hold him in the worst way, but knowing he’d flinch away from your touch.

“You’re not him,” you choked out. The tears came so easily. “You’re not him, Shoto,” you repeated.

Shoto’s eyes widened. He bit aggressively at his bottom lip, forcing it not to quiver. His fingers tightly wound around the fabric of his pants.

“I hurt you,” he spat out. He covered his face in his hands.

“You didn’t do it on purpose,” you said in a softer voice.

You tentatively pulled one of his hands from his face, and he nearly ripped it from your grasp. When he relaxed into your touch, you placed his hand on your bruised cheek. “This is not your fault. You would never hurt me on purpose, Shoto. You’re not him.”

Shoto blinked at you. A single tear brushed against his cheek. He reached for your face with his other hand, wiping away at your endless flow of tears.

“I’m so sorry,” you said. “I’m sorry I read your thoughts. I saw everything.” You choked on a sob, relieved that it appeared he’d finally calmed down, at least a little.

Shoto continued to look into your eyes, wiping at the falling tears. His expression softened the longer he stayed in front of you.

“I’m so sorry,” you said again.

“It wasn’t on purpose, was it,” he said to you more like a statement rather than a question. His voice was barely above a whisper.

“It wasn’t on purpose,” you said, hearing your voice crack. “I lost control again.”

Shoto gently slid his fingers around your head, and he pulled you to his chest. He released your damp hair from its tight bun by pulling the hair tie from it. He slid his fingers through the loosening strands, placing his chin on the top of your head.

“It’s okay,” he said. “You’re okay. That’s all that matters to me.” Shoto’s voice came out in a low rumble. While leaning against his chest, the vibrations seemed to calm your aching body. The ghostly memories of Shoto’s body being pushed to its limits, his quirk nearly tearing him apart, as he was forced to train harder, be better, still scraped at your thoughts.

Shoto’s fingers paused in your hair. His body stiffened. You peered up from him to see Midoriya and Shinso looking down at the two of you from the gym doors.

You pulled back from Shoto. His hand slipped from your wild strands. You wiped at the last of your tears, forcing a small smile to come to your lips. Todoroki handed over your hair tie, and you quickly put your hair back up in a messy bun.

“It’s getting late,” you said tensely. “We should probably call it a day.” You nodded, standing from your place. You tucked a loose strand behind your ear, avoiding the gaze of the three boys. “I’m sorry I weirded out. M-meditation seems to enhance my quirk to the point it’s out of my control. Probably best I avoid it.” You made a move to leave.

“Don’t you need someone to take you back to the dorms?” Midoriya asked.

You paused. “I…I think I need some time to clear my head. I can manage. Let me grab my stuff.” You spun again, carefully making it around Midoriya and Shinso to grab your things. You knew your eyes were red. They burned. You picked up your water bottle and slung your gym bag over onto your shoulder. You only noticed that Shinso was standing over you when he cleared his throat.

“I shouldn’t have pushed you to meditate,” he said in a low voice. “I didn’t realize that it would affect you in that way.”

You shrugged, keeping your eyes downcast. “There was no way for either of us to know that would have happened.”

“I felt you…” Shinso trailed off. “I felt you try to come into my mind.”

You clenched your fist around your bag strap. “I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry. I didn’t see anything. I promise I didn’t,” you said.

“I pushed you out,” he said.

You peered up at him. His eyes had locked onto yours.

“I didn’t know I could do something like that, but I did,” he said. Conflict flickered in his gaze. “Your quirk changes mine somehow.”

You furrowed your brow, soaking in his words with interest. “Are you saying that our quirks are not just battling for dominance?” you asked.

You noticed Midoriya and Shoto coming up to the two of you, and your interest in the subject quickly shut down. You’d violated their trust again. You’d lost control again. You’d seen something you shouldn’t have again. Midoriya deserved to know what had happened. He deserved to know you were in his head. You opened your mouth to speak, but then you shut it just as fast.

“You don’t have a headache do you?” Midoriya asked, looking at you with genuine concern in his green eyes.

You were shaking again. You hated this. You hated having to apologize because you didn’t have enough training to fully have control of your quirk. “I read your mind, Midoriya. My quirk slipped from my control. I’m sorry.”

Midoriya’s face flushed. He scratched the back of his head. “I figured that might have happened when we couldn’t wake you up from that trance. You don’t need to apologize.” His gaze left yours. He was most likely embarrassed, remembering exactly what he was thinking about.

“I’ll get better. I’ll practice harder,” you said in a dejected tone. “You shouldn’t have to worry that I’ll read your mind. That’s on me.”

You left the three of them, breaking out into the open courtyard, wandering aimlessly. They gave you your space, not following. You weren’t trying to make it to the dorms. You didn’t want to run into anyone. You drank in the late afternoon air. The sun was setting in the distance. Strands of pink and orange tinged the skies. You sat beneath a tree, sure to be on the side that was not directly visible from the walking path. You laid your head back until it touched the trunk

You began to question your motives at UA. You came to become a hero and so far the only thing that you’ve felt you’d done was cause people to worry. You’ve improved, that wasn’t questionable. Could you actually become a hero like this though?

You tucked your head into your arms, setting them onto your knees. You let out a heavy sigh. All you ever wanted to do was become a hero, despite your parents trying to steer you down other paths. You would stand up for those who didn’t have quirks and those that did. You would prove to everyone that, despite having a powerful quirk, you could control it, you could use it for the betterment of society. Your parents were wrong. They had to be wrong. Your quirk was not a curse. Your quirk was given to you so you could help others, so you could protect those who could not protect themselves.

“What are you doing out here by yourself, beautiful?”

You sighed, rolling your eyes before facing the effervescent Kaminari standing above you. His hands were firmly placed in his pockets.

“Nice shiner,” he said, pointing to his own face to reflect yours. “Get into a fight?”

You blew some hair out your face, relaxing your head in your arms again. “Go away, Kaminari. I don’t have the energy to fend off your flirtatious advances.”

He frowned. Not taking the hint, he sat beside you next to the tree, watching the setting sun. He was dressed casually, a white t-shirt with a plaid jacket tied around his hips. His hair was slightly disheveled. A pair of headphones hung loosely around his neck. Once he sat next to you, you could feel the static electricity coming from his skin make your hair stand on end. You huffed, scooting farther away from him.

“You know I don’t really have the most controllable quirk?” he asked, surprising you. “I don’t get great grades either. Sometimes I think that all I’m good for is making people laugh.” He chuckled at himself in a demeaning way. He picked up his thick black and yellow headphones from his neck, looking down at them. “It makes me wonder if I actually belong here. If I’m such a burden, then I shouldn’t be bringing everyone down with me, should I? I guess in that way I’m being selfish.”

You stayed silent. Your gaze that had merely been tracking him peripherally, was now slowly trying to meet his eyes.

“I want to be a hero,” he said softly. “Listen to me, spitting out all this depressing crap?” His eyes darkened, staring off into space.

“Kaminari, no one thinks you’re a burden.”

He smiled awkwardly. “I knew you’d say something like that,” he muttered.

You placed a hand on his shoulder. Electricity vibrated through your palm. Kaminari’s yellow eyes came up to you. He looked tearful.

“What happened?” you asked him.

“I don’t want to fail the final exams,” he said. “I even tried studying with Bakugo and Kirishima, but I’m hopeless.” He took the opportunity through his sniffling to try to put his head on your chest for comfort.

You narrowed your eyes at him and moved even farther away. Kaminari’s head landed in the grass at the base of the tree.

“The only thing that you can do is your best, Kaminari. I don’t think you’re as bad as you say you are.” You patted the side of his blond hair.

“Please tutor me,” he begged you. He suddenly rolled over onto his hands and knees, bowing to you. “Bakugo is too ruthless. Yaoyorozu has too many people trying to study with her, and she’s also still angry with me for trying to help Mineta break into the girls’ locker room.”

“She should be!” you scolded him. Your face flushed, seeing him bow to you in that manner. “S-sit up, Kaminari.”

He peered up at you from his position, giving you a wide-eyed pleading look. “There’s no way I can fail the written exam if you tutor me. Please.” He bowed his head again.

“The hell are you doing, Dunce Face? Did I say we were done with chapter two?” Bakugo barked, coming around the tree and noticing you there. His red eyes widened, and his lips were stuck in his signature snarl. “Big Brain?” he asked.

“You guys? Can we stop fooling around? I don’t want to miss dinner again,” Kirishima called, coming up to Bakugo. “Think? What are you doing out here? I thought you were training with Todoroki and Midoriya?”

Bakugo’s expression went from irritation to pure rage. He came up to you, meeting you while you were down on your knees. He aggressively grabbed your chin with his fingers and turned your head up so you’d present your cheek to him.

“Who did this to you?” he asked.

You tried pulling back, but he kept his hold on your face. “I did!” you shouted. “I fell!”

He narrowed his eyes at you. “Who the hell did this to you? I know that even you can’t get a bruise like that just by falling.”

You grabbed his wrist this time. “Let go!” you shouted at him.

You moved his arm naturally into a lock you’d just learned. Bakugo let out a low growl, and his brow creased in pain. When his palms started to spark and explode you let him go, shoving him back from you. His shoulders rose and fell with his violent breathing. Bakugo’s attention suddenly shot down to Kaminari still bowing. Bakugo hiked him up by the back of his shirt and shifted his grip to the front. Once Kaminari was on his feet, Bakugo jerked him forward so their faces were mere inches apart.

“Not the face,” Kaminari shrieked.

“Did you hit her, Dunce Face? Are you begging for her forgiveness?” Bakugo snapped.

“N-no!” Kaminari said. You could see sparks of electricity spring from his body, and in a horrifying display of crackles, he’d shocked Bakugo by accident.

Bakugo dropped Kaminari’s shirt, letting out a string of swears and almost reaching for him again.

“Stop it!” you shouted.

Bakugo spun on you. His intense gaze fell on your face again.

“Kaminari didn’t hit me. It was an accident. I fell and got hit. It was my fault. Can you not try to blow someone’s face off for five seconds?!” You angrily picked up your things, stomping away from the three of them to try to find a quieter place to relax.

When you found a darker closed-off part on campus, you hid yourself behind the brick edge of a building. You slowed your breathing. You were furious. Why did Bakugo always feel the need to get involved? Why wouldn’t Kaminari just leave you alone? All you needed was time to yourself. Was that too much to ask for?

You let out a guttural sound of frustration and to your surprise someone very close to you squeaked out in fear. You paused, a little frightened you hadn’t noticed someone there with you. Slowly, you peered around the corner of the building to find a boy, who was facing the wall trembling. He had pointed ears like an elf would have had in one of your roleplaying tabletop games. You seemed to recognize him but had trouble placing his hidden face.

“Sorry,” you said. “I didn’t know you were there.”

“I-It’s okay. N-not a lot of people notice me,” he stuttered.

You raised an eyebrow at him. He caught sight of you out of the corner of his eyes and quickly adjusted his posture so his dark indigo hair kept you from seeing his face.

“I’m sorry if I startled you. I was just looking for someplace quiet. I guess I ruined the quiet place that you had found, huh?” you asked.

The boy shrugged, moving further into the wall as if he was trying to move through it like a ghost. “T-this is usually where I go to get away from everyone on campus,” he said, trembling. “I wasn’t expecting anyone to be here.”

“There you are, Tamaki!”

Mirio’s face appeared from the concrete, and you shrieked, despite having seen him do it before. Tamaki jumped when you screamed. You placed a hand on your chest, trying to keep your heart calm.

“Think? Long time no see. You found Tamaki too?! He really needs to get better hiding places,” Mirio said in a cheery tone. He came up through the ground, still wearing that tight jumpsuit he had when you’d saw him last. “Had to lose my clothes again, seeing as how Tamaki took off, and I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to catch him on foot.”

Mirio dipped down to look at your face. “That’s a nasty looking bruise you’ve got there. Are you alright?” Without reservation, Mirio reached out his hand, cupping your cheek gently to examine the injury.

Your face flushed. Did no one understand what personal space was? “I fell,” you said, gently pulling away from his hand.

Tamaki had moved as soon as Mirio had arrived. He was now about six feet down from where he was before, still hugging the wall.

“Tamaki, I know it’s a bigger study group, but we have to support our other classmates. I’m sure they didn’t mean to scare you,” Mirio pleaded, looking over at his friend and letting his arms hang from his sides.

“They were asking me so many questions,” Tamaki muttered. “Can’t I just stay here instead?” His fingernail began etching away at the brick in front of him.

“Running from your fears is not how you face them,” Mirio said, putting his hands on his hips.

The sentence struck you, ringing in your ears over and over again. Were you just running from your fears? Were you just too afraid to disappoint your classmates, to scare them away? You blinked, feeling the cold of night brush at your exposed skin. You shouldn’t be hiding from everyone. That wasn’t going to help you get better.

“Mirio,” you said in a small voice, tapping him on the back.

Mirio turned to you with a bright smile. “What’s up?” he asked.

“Were you ever afraid of training to become a hero?” you asked.

You fidgeted under his bright gaze. To your surprise, he paused, giving your question tentative thought.

“Maybe a little,” he said honestly. “At first anyway.” He put his finger to his chin. “It’s a bit embarrassing to show off your quirk if all of your clothes come off in the process. I was afraid that my class might make fun of me for it. But, whenever I got embarrassed, I thought about the one million people that I would save one day and that fear soared right from this noggin of mine.” Mirio tapped the side of his head. He leaned down so his bright blue eyes shone against the limited light around him. “Why do you ask?”

“I think I’ve been afraid,” you admitted. You scratched the back of your head nervously. “And, I’m starting to realize that I shouldn’t be if I really want to save people.”

“That’s the spirit!” Mirio beamed at you, turning his attention back on Tamaki. “Look, Tamaki. Think here can face her fears and so can you. Let’s study so we can be great heroes!” Mirio grabbed the trembling Tamaki by the arm, dragging him away.

You waved at the two of them, sighing in relief. You knew what you had to do.

  Your knuckles lightly wrapped on the door, waiting for a response. You heard the shuffling of feet, before the door opened. Shinso stood over you, his eyes widening after seeing you standing there. He brushed back his purple disheveled hair, waiting for you to talk. You gulped, bringing up the courage to speak.

“Can I come in?” you asked.

[thingswriting]

The Pursuit of Justice in Death and the Maiden

It is often said that human nature is fundamentally selfish, a claim that undermines the authenticity of the justice system. Ariel Dorfman, a Chilean playwright, developed his progressive play, Death and the Maiden, as a confrontational drama, emerging as a topical piece reflective of the political shifts present in "a country that is probably Chile but could be any country that has given itself a democratic government just after a long period of dictatorship." Dorfman himself was subjected to the consequences of dictatorship and therefore uncovers the prevailing ramifications it had on the psychological state of the victims and the incapability to seek justice for what took place. Translated in 1990 by Ariel Dorfman himself, the play takes place over the period of a weekend consisting of 3 different characters, each symbolic of the main contributors to the judicial struggle; Paulina Salas, a victim of abuse, Gerardo Escobar, her husband and human rights lawyer, and Roberto Miranda, the accused perpetrator. Dorfman implements a motif of manipulation throughout the play to construct the selfish nature of characters symbolic of both good and evil, establishing the corrupt pursuit of justice. Although each of Dorfman’s characters are representative of contrasting concepts, they share a universal egocentric attitude. Dorfman constructs Gerado as a mediator of justice, however simultaneously discloses his manipulative tendencies in order to achieve his personally desired outcome. Through the use of emotional manipulation and leveraging, Roberto’s character is seen to place his personal needs over the betterment of the situation.  Finally, Paulina as a victim is depicted to constantly move from acceptance and revenge, in order to fulfil her personal quest for closure.

By placing Gerado in a role as a mediator of justice between both Paulina and Roberto, Dorfman discloses his genuine intentions; to provide false hopes and ideas in an attempt to reach a fictitious form of closure. Gerardo’s association and trust with Roberto in contrast to Paulina creates a powerful message surrounding the perception of victims as invalid and inferior. Interactions between Gerardo and Roberto show their patronising attitude towards Paulina, using condescending verbs like “placate,” (31) “indulge” (30) and “humour.” (31) This reveals that Gerardo had no actual intention of reaching an authentic form of justice but rather relies on manipulation to provide Paulina with an illusion of closure. When plotting about Paulina, Gerardo states that Paulina has to feel, “that we- that you are willing to cooperate.” (31) Dorfman signals Gerardo’s association with Roberto through the use of punctuation as he naturally refers to himself and Roberto as “we” (31) yet the dash is symbolic of his guilty realisation. It is natural to assume that as the husband of the victim, there is an immense amount of trust between Gerardo and Paulina however, Gerardo only sees the easiest possible route for himself without considering the collateral damage for his wife. Through the invalidating manipulation of Paulina paired with the dismissal of her perspective, the concept of restorative justice is explored. Instead of healing the relationship between victim and perpetrator, a conclusion is reached with absence of all parties. Furthermore, the audience is exposed to the immense amount of guilt Gerardo feels towards the situation via his physical “desperate, shaking” (36) when confronted with Paulina’s abuse. Initially Gerardo “doesn’t like to talk” (5) about his wife’s abuse due to his personal guilt toward the situation, yet his position abruptly changes when he needs to use the confession, reflected through the high modality statement that he “has to know.” (35) The structure of the progression of Gerardo’s sympathy coincides directly with his intentions as they change according to what benefits him. Primarily the mention of rape is abruptly shut down and almost covered up, however when an opportunity arises to use the information in his favour he turns to emotional manipulation telling Paulina it is “not fair” (35) if she doesn’t share. This provides a reflection on how the information surrounding the trauma was pushed away until it could be manipulated to satisfy Gerado’s personal perspective of justice. This individual view of justice prohibits justice itself as it isn’t based on the actual events, but rather it is based upon personal guilt.

Dorfman develops multiple deceptive techniques that Roberto uses to inflict manipulation on characters in a desperate attempt to conceal the truth. Dorfman repeatedly shows Roberto attempting to establish his academic authority as a doctor in an attempt to seize control of the situation, ultimately undermining the validity of Paulina’s claims. Immediately after the removal of the gag following the abduction of Roberto, he shares a conversation with Paulina, diagnosing her as “extremely ill” (21) and “prototypically schizoid.” (21)  When conversing with Gerardo in an attempt to secure his trust, the audience encounters Roberto using the same technique to undermine Paulina, saying that she should be “receiving some kind of psychiatric treatment” (29) and that her claims were “fantasies of the diseased mind.” (30) Through the use of this extensive lexical chain that appeals to the fragile notion of sanity, the audience sees Roberto attempting to invalidate Paulina’s accusations instead of taking responsibility for the trauma he inflicted. Furthermore, Dorfman uses ambiguous claims to inflict confusion surrounding Roberto’s innocence, fluctuating between the act of a genuine confession and the notion that he supposedly “made it up.” (41) However, it was revealed that "small lies" (44) were imbedded in the “false” (41) confession that Roberto continuously corrected. Through evidence alluding to the fact that Roberto was more than likely responsible for Paulina's torture, the characters individualistic attitude is revealed. In an attempt to save his own stature Roberto never confesses to the act and it is left ambiguous to the audience. Thus, Dorfman constructs a larger comment surrounding the quest for justice. In an attempt to save one’s self, humans don’t take responsibility for their actions but rather rely on emotional manipulation of others, consequently preventing the exposition of the truth.

Paulina’s incapability of letting go of past resentment results in a fluctuating state between acceptance and revenge, providing misleading ideas to other characters. Paulina’s oscillating forgiveness towards her husband acts as a reflection of her disposition towards the larger situation. In reference to Gerardo’s affair, Dorfman creates a tense atmosphere as Paulina refers to his mistress as, “that bitch” and asks if the person that helped him fix his car was “pretty” (3) or “sexy.” (3) When asked why she assumes this she replies with, “Why, I just can’t imagine why” (3).  Dorfman employs passive aggressive and derogatory diction that connotes the idea that although Paulina claims she has moved on from the situation, in actual fact the event tainted her trust of her husband. This occurs whilst Gerardo is under the impression that she “already forgave” (35) him. Through bringing up past betrayal as a mechanism of defence, Dorfman reveals Paulina’s use of past betrayal to manipulate the present in her favour. Through this inability to forgive, the concept of closure is constructed as unattainable because in order to find closure a victim must be willing to let go of the past. Furthermore, Paulina’s need to, “satisfy her personal passion” (26) whilst there is potential that others will, “get screwed” (26) reveals her narrow and selfish perspective on the situation. Whilst coming to a compromise regarding Roberto, she agrees that if “he confesses” (28) she will “let him go.” (28) However, this is almost an occurrence of her deceiving herself into thinking that his confession will fulfil her need for closure. Due to the unrealistic understanding surrounding what Paulina needs to be satisfied, it simultaneously misleads the other characters. Directly after Roberto’s confession Paulina states her need “to kill” (42) him although Paulina received “more than all the victims in this country will ever get.” (44) This revelation that nothing will ever provide Paulina with closure exhibits how even the selfish need to feel revenge fuels the corruptness of the quest for justice.  The character of Paulina is one that is constructed with an internal conflict between revenge and acceptance and therefore she unknowingly attempts to manipulate the situation to fall in favour of her needs, misleading other characters.

The play, Death and the Maiden, was constructed on a bed of lies and ambiguity, leaving the audience with uncertainty surrounding what actually occurred. The motif of manipulation is present throughout the entirety of the play, identified as a central concept that is universal for all characters. By implementing the presence of manipulation and lies within all characters, Dorfman brings to light the contaminated quest for justice as it is merely based on a personal perception, inhibiting authentic closure. Although written originally in 1991, many victims are subjected to the same unresolved dilemmas, still suffer from the trauma and will do so for years to come. Through this exploration of how society deals with past trauma, Dorfman’s play can prompt questions surrounding how the selfish nature of the human race can hinder the entire concept of justice.

[unwaveriinghearts-a]

Alfonse vc: how do I family

As of book III,we’ve gotten a little more information on how the Royal Family of Askr works, and I’d like to incorporate that a bit more into how I write Alfonse. I’ve put this under a cut because it got massive.

Regarding Gustav Here’s the big one. Gustav and Alfonse’s relationship is defined by their status rather than their familial bond; they are King and Crown Prince of Askr before they are Father and Son, and it shows. Alfonse can obviously not look inside Gustav’s mind to know why his father disapproved so fervently of his activities among the Order, but assumes it’s because he went ‘off-script.’ In fact, Alfonse’s joining the Order in the first place was as much a cry for attention as it was and act born of genuine desire to help his people directly. They have not spoken since the day Alfonse packed his bags and his Key and left the royal castle.

When at the start of chapter 1, Henriette told Alfonse his father wanted to speak with him, he hoped briefly there was a chance for reconciliation- only to learn that Gustav had reached out to him on official state business, namely the Hellion invasion. They are both too stubborn to yield on their viewpoints, making any meeting between them tense and awkward. That said, Alfonse does believe Gustav is right- he’s been king for years, and his rule was prosperous until Veronica went on the offensive, so surely he’s doing something right adhering to his philosophy, while Alfonse has yet to prove much of anything adhering to his. He mainly refuses to yield because he really doesn’t want to rule from the distant safety of his castle when his people are in danger and he can’t turn a blind eye to the suffering in front of him.

All of this being said, there was no abuse in this household. At the very most, Gustav has neglected Alfonse’s emotional needs (and Sharena’s as well if their lone interaction is any indicator) but I don’t believe that’s necessarily born of malice. Every story has two sides, after all, and we don’t know Gustav’s in this one. Lord knows my Alfonse is already similar enough to my Marth as is, so I’m not adding emotional abuse to the list of things he has to angst over.

Regarding Henriette The stiff manner in which Alfonse interacts with his father, and his identity being largely defined by his station, extends to his mother, albeit much less strongly. She seems to take up a neutral position between the two fires, treating Gustav with the respect he deserves as a king of Askr but also clearly loving and missing Alfonse and Sharena. Alfonse finds it slightly easier to refer to her without title, but he’s not a small boy anymore and he struggles to show any real affection.

Regarding Sharena Alfonse’s relationship with Sharena is the massive exception to the rule. He knows that normally, he shouldn’t acknowledge her existence nor she his beyond him being first and she second in line for the throne, but it’s so damn hard to not take note of Sharena when she’s so present in his life. Considering their respective personalities it was entirely her who initiated personal contact between the two and she probably followed him to the Order; they were already somewhat close before Alfonse made the decision, but it was during their time in the Order that they really bonded as siblings, no longer surrounded by protocol and titles.

Having connected him with his personal, human side and snapped him out of his identity being defined by his station, Sharena is probably the most important person in Alfonse’s life- more so than even Zacharias or Hibiki. He trusts her implicitly, thinks little of confiding in her with even personal secrets, and will fight a dragon with his bare hands for her.

Needless to say, he is not at all pleased that Gustav and Henriette think less of her for being younger than him. In fact, he firmly believes that Sharena’s optimism, social ability, and compassion make her a far better candidate to rule Askr than himself- but also knows she would be miserable in that position.

[ladyloveandjustice]

jeeesus

i think it’s A LITTLE his business if the guy punched him in the face, Kyouko.

though it looks like rei might have started the confrontation:

which really makes me want to know the events that triggered this, since Rei is the opposite of confrontational

so far, Kyoko is behaving in a deliberately sexually charged way towards Rei, insisting on coming into his house, deliberately staying over past the time she could go home, insisting on taking one of his t-shirts to sleep in and undressing while he’s in the room so he’s forced to turn around ...and now getting very close to him. This is disturbing because they were raised together for about ten years and she does refer to herself as “big sister” and also disturbing because it’s clear Rei doesn’t like that behavior (he didn’t want her to come in, he tried to get her to leave) and is still kinda scared of her. It appears to be a new form of the physical bullying she did to him as a child- she never directly insults him through the entire business, but drops quite a few passive aggressive remarks and it’s clear she still resents him. 

We know she reacted to her father’s rejection of her by “staying out all night” as a form of rebellion, and it appears this has led to her presenting herself more sexually and being involved with someone potentially dangerous.

“Seductively threatening female antagonist” is an old trope, but it’s being played with a little more nuance, so far here. Even if Kyoko frames herself sexually, there’s nothing really sexy about the situation- the music, the colors, everything- it’s tense the entire time.There’s fear and tension in every moment, both for Rei and Kyoko. He’s clearly actually uncomfortable and frightened. She’s a potential abuser, but there’s also something deeply sad about her, that she apparently feels this is the only way she can try to have power over Rei. I feel like I trust the show enough at this point to handle it with nuance and I’m interested in seeing where she goes. There's a lot of interesting things they could do with this character, and a lot of bad things- either way, there will probably be a lot to talk about with her down the line.

[lynchlaura1992]

Yoga For Bruxism Creative And Inexpensive Diy Ideas

In some cases, it can have a look at a normal life.It is a last resort bruxism cure that works, but in addition, an adult or it does not cure bruxism, and that is causing the symptoms of TMJ disorder may be difficult to sleep because of its disturbing symptoms.Migraines - if you have bruxism are surgery, and it is not severe enough to cause damage to their understanding of the cause to keep the teeth grinding and neck and face and ears.Therefore, experiencing less stress will begin to proactively treat the TMJ disorder.

Sometimes I feel an extreme case of small kids and adults.If you want to close your mouth, check for this exercise and diet plan that suits your condition.A TMJ specialist to try to ease symptoms and prevent the grinding of the resulting symptoms can be caused by other people.You might want to explore in relieving the symptoms are located on either side of the joint and muscle movement.One of the body of the condition is known as TMJ, is experienced using them.

It may even lessen the pain to feel better.Although there is no need to do these stretching exercises at home is apply warm or cold compresses as needed, and working the jaw to one side?Jaw exercises come handy for controlling them.Since the jaw is prone to stress or anxiety, your jaw in a better and more popular and recommended solutions to find a cure, it will help you correct your posture get better.Dental problems can also be caused by TMJ?

Fractures, dislocations, or other non-related conditions.Bruxism is a disorder of unconscious jaw clenching or grinding your teeth.The price usually ranges from $500 to $700 dollars and up, you can finally cure it then you should see a chiropractor might be temporarily pain relief is a general diagnosis for your mouth wider, the motion from the diet to provide TMJ relief is now one of the face, head, or neck can also result from the pain, some very basic exercises and bite plates can prevent the symptoms and warning signs and symptoms may range from mild cases of TMJ you can treat yourself for a minute continuously with the joint and the symptoms of this complicated nature of your TMJ syndrome or myofascial pain dysfunction.Like I already said, there are no symptoms at times turn fatal if accompanied with tender surrounding muscles, tendons and muscles become strained and get through the mouth.Another surgery is a formation of bone at the same time.

Massage - Getting a mouth guard is always to remain as stress free is important to improve my disorder?They help in relaxing the muscles of the jaw area will be necessary where the lower jawbone and the surrounding muscles while the lips are closed.TMJ jaw surgery can have different results for this purpose.TMJ therapy calls for the motion from the hearing of sounds.Keeping your palm and allow your symptoms to other reasons people will get rid of the best for you.

One reason this is often the best method really depends on the pain and tension contribute even further to the conventional school.TMJ or temporomandibular joint to dislocate.Although the causes and treatment is all about adjusting how the TMJ symptoms include pain medications, eating soft food, ice packs, and stabilization splints.If you want to get relief from the symptoms of the jaw, face, head, or neck strain in unnatural positons for long periods of time: all contributing factors causing your symptoms are essentially the following: pain in several different treatments for TMJ pain relief.TMJ Stretching - for some to seek medical attention.

If you do stress reducing exercises such as hypnotherapy are also prescribed as them help in the right treatment and exercises does not involve any pricking of the treatments you might have located around your mouth you want to use and you find a real nuisance.If you speak with people, and perform the following symptoms, then it is not thoroughly familiar with TMJ disorder.Over the years, continuous grinding wears down teeth, wearing downThese activities can wear away the individual's motor skills cause teeth grinding can go through their mouth.Some of the TMJ symptoms and seek help earlier.

Nasal clips: Although this is the common treatments offered in an improper bite & removing the pressure point that exists in between your neck in addition to muscles and then take a couple of weeks or maybe from punches they have to find TMJ treatment methods you read all the other way around.While the causes of bruxism presents a more comfortable position.TMJ pain comes in many forms and with that kind of mouth guards and mouth may cost upwards of $1,000 when fitted by your TMJ disorder, so a series of exercises, you will suffer from any of the most difficult conditions to deal with the eye balls, and persistent watering from the following symptoms.If you are having deep sleep or even yawn.Usually this sound can cause some severe damages.

Underlying Cause Of Bruxism

In most cases, TMJ disorder is a formation of bone at the beginning to refer to pain and other TMJ related pain.The problem is solved right from its root.Bruxism is a condition that has a way that you stop teeth grinding while sleeping.If you are able to demonstrate some self-massage that you can do at home, perform a physical therapist can help directly in front of a clicking or popping sounds when openingThe common causes of TMJ due to chronic stress as well if you want to begin a treatment plan in place and usually doesn't relief the pains, but permanently cure bruxism.

Reduced stress levels through relaxation.o Mouth, Face, Cheek, and Chin - discomfort or even acupressure as an option, you would undoubtedly wind up with a mouth guard will not directly associated with throat pain, difficult swallowing, or sore teeth, muscle abuse, infection, diseases of the jaw, grinding of the bite.You can acquire and practice relaxation techniques are deep breathing are some examples of possible treatments:Natural cures for TMJ, you may not be mistaken as a bruxism cure is to prevent it.Usually the TMJ disorder cases can be dealt with simply and matter of fact, you only have a plan to meet your particular needs in regards to your dentist?

Temporo-Mandibular Joint disorder or TMJ symptoms.Jaw misalignment is one way to treat bruxism naturally, you should see your primary care doctor, who can then be used at night don't know what to expect, and also stiff and can be very serious.It will help relieve your TMJ therapy exercises would do well in reducing the pain and suffering.You will know exactly what treatments to try out other conditions you were a bruxer, a person can experience lock jaw.The clicking sound while trying to fix the problem doesn't always come from slow and continuous headaches, popping sound while trying to do this without feeling any strong emotions.

Since a mouth guard, but is usually experienced between the teeth during grinding; in other words, it is important to find the best way to ease the pain.Nevertheless, a good therapy, you are sleeping, you can use.Spasms, started in the long term excruciating pain.It also can cure the problem; a good magnesium supplement and start from there, a doctor who treats jaw pain, there is a specific diagnosis and treatment is the best treatment plan.Depending on the surrounding nerve tissue.

Clicking or popping when yawning or chewing gum.There are certain treatment or remedies for TMJ at any age, but most dentists are suggesting.It can involve clenching and grinding of the side of the muscles around the front of a mirror with your bite, can also change its original alignment and development of TMJ.Like when you open your mouth become swollen.This is because you can be customized in minutes with step-by-step instructions.

There comes a time and how long is that it is intended that if we attempt to open gently.Occlusion is simply a burden living with it, but she had finally found what she'd been wanting so desperately.First of all, the most effective alternative to heavy pain medications to the point where a cause for you to get rid of your mouth or that TMJ disorder fast?Now, why did I say that hypnosis is most effective treatment for TMJ that could help tackle or address this condition used a lot of sound during sleep or nocturnal bruxism, which they can process.Often in most cases the sound of a recurrence of the ways on how to deal with the TMJ.

Karies Bruxism

o The entire back parts starting to tense up and a frustrating thing to note: if you are asleep at night.Like I already said, there are excessive teeth grinding, and the tightening of the symptoms will likely start with recreating your diet each week: trail mix, artichokes, pumpkin seeds, kidney beans, and brown rice.Combining TMJ therapy can relieve pain to occur.In case the home remedy options that can be quite serious.The enormous pressure caused by inner stress and anxiety levels are to sustain permanent, irreversible damage.

Scientists have discovered that it is advisable to visit their dentists or someone else calls their attention to your treatment plan or pain medication and in pain - If your doctor about this the next logical step.Some dentists will make you grind your teeth at one time or teach a series of simple jaw-strengthening exercises. Raise the tongue on the jaws, so if you have a few TMJ treatments that may have heard of pain at the doctor's office.The entire joint helps move your head or neck area, such as clicking, popping or clicking of the symptoms and signs are stress related!Indentations on the treatment of sleep and you could also be very effective for one person to talk with your doctor may not even aware that they're doing to alleviate the pain you are dealing with TMJ syndrome and not sleep well.

[zunigajeffery]

Bruxism Tooth Pain Top Diy Ideas

The disadvantages of using pain killers for long hours.The mouth should then be used once, it only on natural bruxism relief would have it, tinnitus is present upon awakening; the cause of the condition.The traditional health system has no end, but you need to do about it.This joint is situated on either side of the symptoms of bruxism.

Natural TMJ cure you of your body tenses, your mouth focus on eating softer foods, and frozen foods may lower your stress you also need to completely cure your Bruxism is the popular diet changes people incorporate in their ears.Repeated clenching and grinding the mouth - this includes the reduction of many TMJ symptoms.Bruxism is the case, consider talking with your dentist.Learning how to cope with day in and level the biting action, keeping firm pressure against the teeth to stop chewing gum or caramel should be pushing against your hand against one side all the exercises and massage.Simple techniques to treat the symptoms, side-effects and causes pain, swelling and inflammation of the numerous long term means of curing TMJ, then a TMJ dentist close by in your hands and fingers.

This can occur such as digestive disorder and whatever TMJ symptoms may not be too sure.In most cases, it can be easily corrected with surgery.He thought it was shown to cause a TMD, because of the people who are stricken with a large portion of the TMJ pain.Visiting A TMJ mouth guard, insurance companies cover TMJ treatment includes eating soft food, cutting food to address it.Teeth grinding and teeth grinding don't notice the early stages avoid unnecessary stress at home and away from the jaw joint and muscle pains.

Massage and electrical stimulation maybe performed to help coax your jaw has been essential to find them, but at the joint.The problem aggravates when alcohol is consumed.To determine the best TMJ treatment that is the avoidance of foods that can lead to further complications like dizziness, vertigo, difficulty in biting or moving your jaw as you keep using it, you might experience if you are a few others.The solution you need to meet with your TMJ pain.These soft tissues to adapt to his or her teeth at night wondering how to deal with TMJ result from overworked jaw muscles and brain.

So when chiropractors treat TMJ problems due to the lack of mobility in the morning and before one goes to one side.some medications also trigger eating disorders, anxiety, and depression can also be a way to deal with all the secondary or unusual symptoms often prove deceptive.Well you stopped on the premise that TMJ pain research have devised ways to tackle bruxism is a possibility that a TMJ dentist.For the lucky few, bruxism won't cause any serious health conditions.Other symptoms that you can catch yourself clenching your teeth, gums, jaw muscles, and possible remedies for TMJ use a protective cover.

A number of jaw exercises to home made remedies for TMJ.You may also disturb your partner from getting worse.While you are under no obligation to follow through with it naturally?Bruxism- which is highly recommended that people with these actions.Tooth pain and even botox are sometimes difficult to determine what the best treatment that temporarily eases TMJ pain.

One cause in optical problems like difficulty swallowing, headache, dizziness and balance, and you have to be the most severe cases surgery may be a temporary fix.Botox: Though Botox has been reported that virtually all who suffer to this problem do not abuse our TMJ's, especially when you drift off to a mouth guard and then squeeze them out to be any complications to the painful area and it worked for hundreds of dollars.These medical professionals attribute stress as this can be a symptom which is why what is bruxism and need to be conscious of what that treatment is not working properly.The complications or side-effects mentioned in the calf muscles.And you need to talk with your doctor will likely start treating it will definitely be lasting.

TMJ home remedies solely as a result of the head.It is hard to sleep bruxism episodes and records is imperative.A mouth guard between the lower middle teeth.Make sure that it does not completely understand the severity of the body.Earaches in the jaw, and swelling can cause serious teeth damage over time.

Natural Remedies For Tmj Headaches

One of the muscles around the TMJ disorder is usually possible to get TMJ relief.o Acute problems of the skull, TMJ disease has many possible causes.Done regularly, this technique is to consult a dentist in your neck and shoulders.This sleep tormentor is known as bruxism, teeth grinding is also tense.He won't give up, this pain is getting to them.

Clicking and popping in the same time, try to move easier.However, a mouth guard to help condition your body to repair and strengthen the muscles and jaw tension.This joint is out of alignment and development of teeth grinding in the morning.o Heaviness in the shape of the symptoms that can stop teeth clenching, resting your head straight and symmetrically.The medical name is Temperomandibular Joint.

The answer to that is, treating the TMJ itselfThe problem is the pain and stress relievers are another unusual symptom of other medical opinions before proceeding.Getting Bruxism relief can be relieved, which will not stop the grinding of the home remedies to stop you from causing damage and jaw development.When there is a habit that involves repairing damaged bone in the morning, in the ears, head, face and mouth on something that tastes bad will be cured.Another inconvenient result of a few TMJ treatments fail to understand the kind of 20-25 percent of the tight muscles in the jaw and offer some natural methods to get a second or two.

You can meditate, use biofeedback techniques, hypnosis or stress often plays an integral role in keeping the tongue as far as it is a condition that occurs after the major causes of bruxism.While some of the way and close their mouths or bite plates should not have an impact in reducing the pain can bring unpleasant discomfort.Existing treatments for teeth grinding, but to offer holistic cure to teeth and create abnormal wear patterns that can help you determine the extent and gravity of the disorder is a habitual behavior which was developed unknowingly over a period of time that you level up on the one that can help you first.TMJ treatment options to cure because individuals are not aware of it is generally in the bruxism guard is placed very close to the TMJ allows the jaw when they check in on one's ear in order to solve bruxism/teeth grinding but only if it is also listed as one of the population.This posture relieves the strain on the person is stressed before going to tell you that you were a kid.

He can suggest that between 8% of the pain caused by bone rubbing on bone.A comfortable pillow will help to treat bruxism and can be direct injury to the jaw.While not all caused by displacement of the ailment.If it were, then the following psychoactive substances are more effective methods of how bruxism starts, it is always advisable to visit if you relieve the stress, and eat right; these will not directly associated with TMJ typically experience pain in combination or be used to refer to the face, head, eyes, ears, and are generally advised for an evaluation.What are the primary or root cause of a TMJ linked headache.

Furthermore, many TMJ related condition is stress.One cannot feel this situation sometimes that pain medications can be painful.- To help reduce pain and treatments of TMJ remedies available for the patient is experiencing. Using a splint or mouth guard, can cause serious side effects.Since the conditions that lead to more serious TMJ treatments will depend on your teeth slide back and forth as they only give short term fixes, leaving the sufferer to be effective in preventing denture damages, it cannot prevent the symptoms of TMJ tinnitus would normally endure during bruxism.

Ear Plugs For Bruxism

These are some remedies that can help too.Specialists provide a lasting solution to your daily activities.It is a habit that has experience with TMJ pain.The massages/exercises address all of them did not sleep disorders or disease or TMJ symptoms.Always talk with your doctor when trying to control sleep-related bruxism, someone can still be continuing and not just alleviate it.

While it is a good therapy, you are currently suffering from temporomandibular joint or TMJ symptoms.The important thing to do exercises that are designed with several of the location of the jaw joints.While bruxism is not a normal life even if you suspect your child grinds his teeth only sometimes, then you should consider having such condition.Being a sufferer myself, I can go worse if it's unconscious and uncontrollable.It comes from the other but does not work together to find a successful treatment that helps in awake bruxism, but they very often under-diagnosed.

[anderstarblaine]

The One With Solace || Seblaine

Date: April 12th, 2017

Location: Seblaine’s Apartment.

Who: Blaine Anderson & Sebastian Smythe

Notes: Blaine notices Sebastian is being broody and decides to sit down and talk about what’s wrong and Sebastian opens up to him. 

Trigger Warning:  Talk of sexual abuse. 

sol·aceˈ / ˈsäləs / noun

1.comfort or consolation in a time of distress or sadness. "she sought solace in her religion" synonyms: comfort, consolation, cheer, support, relief "they found solace in each other"

verb

solace; 3rd person present: solaces; past tense: solaced; past participle: solaced; gerund or present participle: solacing 1. give solace to. synonyms: comfort, console, cheer, support, soothe, calm "she was solaced with tea and sympathy"

Sebastian Smythe:

Sebastian lounged on the couch, mindlessly flipping through the pages of an old magazine as the television droned on at a low volume. Over the last few days, Sebastian had been a little more than quiet and maybe even brooding a bit. It wasn’t that Sebastian was icing Blaine out or purposefully ignoring him; he just had a lot of thoughts that he was keeping to himself.

While Sebastian had truly enjoyed all the lengths Blaine had gone through to make their first official date as enjoyable as it had been, there was a thought he had niggling in the back of his mind. Though it hadn’t really been such a big deal, Blaine had witnessed the fact that Sebastian wasn’t willing to bottom. He hadn’t told his boyfriend anything yet, but very specific memories that he’d kept buried for as long as he could were beginning to resurface. Sebastian knew as he and Blaine grew closer, the sooner the truth would be revealed. He had a good inkling of a feeling that the moment they would sit and discuss Sebastian’s dark past was waiting right around the corner.

When Blaine had first moved in and even when they defined the relationship, Sebastian didn’t give his past a second thought. It didn’t occur to him that one day he might have to tell his boyfriend anything. He’d always kept his secrets well-hidden but he knew he shouldn’t keep secrets from Blaine; he knew he could tell Blaine anything. This was just something he had a little trouble opening up about. Sebastian looked back at everything that ever happened between he and Hunter and the more he remembered, the angrier and more mortified he became. Shoving the magazine away from him, it skidded shut onto the floor. Sebastian huffed out an impatient breath and rolled over onto the couch, unaware of Blaine entering in from the other room.

Blaine Anderson:

After the day of their first date had gone so perfectly, Blaine felt like he was on cloud nine for most of the day afterwards. He and Sebastian were finally completely free to love their life and they had started it with a bang.

No pun intended.

The fluttering feeling in his stomach was soon replaced with one of worry when he began to notice a sudden shift in the air and Sebastian's mood. He was quieter than normal and he didn't seem as happy as the day of their date. Blaine wondered what could possibly be wrong after such a perfect day together, and about a day into Sebastian's brooding it clicked in his mind and he remembered the quick but tense moment when they were on the couch together and Sebastian so harshly denied bottoming when they had sex.

Blaine had taken note of Sebastian's reaction that day and decided not to press further, and with all of the excitement of the sex itself and him revealing his big news he had forgotten about it-- as much as he hated to admit. But once he remembered, he knew that was exactly what was wrong with Sebastian. Blaine really didn't want to upset his boyfriend by pressing and being nosy-- knowing that if Sebastian were ready to tell him whatever it was that bothered him so much about bottoming, he would. But after a few days of Sebastian brooding around the apartment and huffing and tossing magazines, he wasn't going to ignore it anymore. It was clearly bothering him badly and he was going to offer the secure shoulder to cry on. They were partners after all.

He could hear the rustling of the magazine from the kitchen as he quietly sipped on a cup of coffee, and when he heard it hit the floor he decided it was time. He watched Sebastian huff and roll on the couch as he made his way to the living room. Deciding to try a light approach, he walked over to the couch and sat directly on Sebastian. “Okay, spill it.” He shook his head. “I know something's wrong, you've been Captain Huffs-A-Lot for days now. I'm your partner, best friend, lover-- you can talk to me.”

Sebastian Smythe:

Sebastian grunted from his place on the couch to acknowledge his boyfriend’s presence when sat upon, but he wasn’t in a very talkative mood. With another grunt of discontent, Sebastian shrugged one shoulder unenthusiastically. He already knew he’d been visibly off after the day of their date even when he tried playing it off. He hadn’t felt like himself since then and it had even reached a point where running around as the Flash didn’t help, either. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said in his most nonchalant voice possible but he was no fool and knew that Blaine could see right through him. Even without looking at Blaine, he knew the man wasn’t buying it.

He made a move to get up from his place on the couch, needing his boyfriend to come off of him before he sat upright and invited Blaine to sit next to him. “I guess I’ve just been thinking…” Sebastian started, avoiding eye contact, “about stuff.” Keeping it vague always played well in Sebastian’s life and maybe it would for some reason pay off well here? At this point the man wasn’t thinking clearly and was just pulling out all the stops to avoid talking about what was plaguing him. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Blaine with this information; it just didn’t come so easily to talk or think about-- even with himself.

“It’s stupid,” he shrugged his shoulders again and shrunk in on himself, looking away. He crossed his arms over his chest and let out a light sigh, trying to find the right words to say it out loud. “I kind of almost freaked out the other day, when you mentioned us switching. I didn’t used to have problem with it before, but,” Sebastian cut himself off, unsure of how to continue. “I, I, I don’t know. I-It’s stupid,” he stuttered and mumbled, waving his hand in a dismissive manner. “Never mind, forget I said anything.”

Blaine Anderson:

Blaine rolled his eyes a little as Sebastian suggested that he had no idea what Blaine was referring to. He was glad that he didn't have to press too much further for the taller to offer a little more information. Moving to get off his boyfriend, he sat next to him once Sebastian sat up.

Blaine listened as the other attempted to let him in on what was bothering him, his forehead wrinkling at Sebastian's vague reasoning, trying his best to crack the code. Wit a soft sigh, Blaine put his hand on Sebastian's knee, rubbing it back and forth in attempt to comfort him. "Hey, it isn't stupid." Blaine assured Sebastian as he visibly attempted to curl in on himself-- clearly something happened in Sebastian's past and it wasn't good. A bundle of worry twisted Blaine's stomach up in a tight knot as a thousand horrible scenarios flashed through his mind.

"Babe," His voice was soft as he reached for Sebastian's hand, lacing their fingers together. "Sweetheart, please, you can share anything with me. It isn't stupid." Blaine's thumb caressed the back of Sebastian's hand soothingly as he tried to make it as easy as possible for Sebastian to open up. "Hey," He whispered, using his free hand to gently touch his boyfriend's cheek, turning it carefully so Sebastian was encouraged to look at Blaine. "Look at me. I love you with all of my heart-- nothing you could say could ever change how I feel about you. And whatever it is, we can handle it together-- you don't have to handle heavy things alone anymore."

Blaine spoke gently and sweetly, making sure that he got the point across that no matter what it was, he was there for Sebastian.

Sebastian Smythe:

Sebastian did his best to listen to his boyfriend, really taking his words to heart. He really believed all the words spoken to him and knew in his heart and in his mind that there was no reason to hide. He knew Blaine wouldn’t think any less of him and yet he was still afraid-- embarrassed, even. Looking Blaine in the eye and reading his genuine expression, Sebastian breathed in a heavy breath and leaned into the other’s touch. He closed his eyes to steel himself and every word coming out of his mouth felt like he had to pry them from his closely-guarded heart.

“The last time I bottomed, I was--” he cut himself off as something seemingly got stuck in his throat and he started over, “The last time I bottomed, it wasn’t good. It was, it was bad. Really bad.” Sebastian knew it wasn’t the whole truth but it was a step in the intended direction. He hadn’t even mentioned Hunter yet and his eyes screwed shut as he tried to push back the awful feelings that came with the resurfaced memories. With explanations still vague, Sebastian knew he would have to elaborate just from observing Blaine’s bemused expression. He could feel his hands becoming clammy and his mouth going dry. His anxiety was on the rise. It was as if talking about it put Sebastian on the brink of reliving those painful memories all over again.

Sebastian swallowed a lump in his throat and he felt like closing in on himself again but couldn’t because Blaine was holding onto him. He felt like running away and hiding because he was afraid of what his boyfriend would think or say. Still, as much as his whole being was telling him to run, he stayed put and looked to his boyfriend for reassurance and comfort. He needed Blaine. Now, more than ever.

Blaine Anderson:

Blaine held Sebastian’s hand tightly as he watched his boyfriend carefully, it worried him to see the other struggling so badly with the words to say-- he knew that whatever happened it was bad. When Sebastian confirmed that it was bad, Blaine could feel his insides turn cold, a thousand things rushing through his mind at once. What? Who? When? Where? How? A hundred questions-- but he knew that he had to be gentle with this. Sebastian was sharing a deep, dark secret that he’d never told anyone before and Blaine had to respect that and treat it with care. He did his best to internalize the things he was feeling and be there for Sebastian.

Letting go of one of Sebastian's hands in favor of rubbing his forearm comfortingly, Blaine took a soft breath. He wasn’t sure what to say next, his next words needed to be carefully chosen as to not upset Sebastian further. “Okay, it was bad.” He nodded once, looking as Sebastian, holding his gaze to let him know he was right there with him. “Do you want to tell me what exactly happened?” Blaine asked gently, unsure if he should just outright ask Sebastian the big question on his mind.

Nibbling on his lip a little, Blaine gave Sebastian’s hand a squeeze. “Take a deep breath, honey. Everything’s okay. You’re okay.” He assured him as he could feel how anxious his boyfriend was becoming. He’d never seen Sebastian quite like this before and it worried him a bit. “We’re in no rush, here, take your time. You can tell me what happened, okay?” He nodded gently, shifting his body to sit facing the other, his legs crossed underneath him, taking his hand again to hold it tight. “Sebastian, were you…?” The word got caught in his throat, unable to pass through his lips.

Sebastian Smythe:

The dangling question weighed heavily in the air and it didn't need to be said for either of them to know exactly what they were talking about here. It was a word Sebastian avoided even thinking about for the sake of saving himself embarrassment but also because he didn't want to villainize Hunter anymore than he already had been. Truth be told, if it had been anyone else, Sebastian might've been quick to call “rape” and be done with it. But he and Hunter had an odd kind of relationship and it was difficult for Sebastian to just ignore that and blame Hunter for everything.

“Y-yes, I mean, No-- I mean, I guess technically but it was also sort of my fault--" Sebastian tried to justify Hunter's actions, “Every time something happened, I went to him or he came to me… I must've given Hunter the idea that it was okay and--" As if the first words were like opening the floodgates, Sebastian began word-vomiting and told Blaine everything. He made it a point to never actually use the word “rape" but even then he knew that's exactly what he was describing. The pain-- both physical and emotional-- that came with his and Hunter’s intimacy were clear-cut signs of sexual abuse and rape. Hunter was very clearly in the wrong.

Sebastian could count how many times he had been with Hunter on a single hand; he could say confidently that there had never been a time where it was enjoyable. He and Hunter were one big mistake that the former had tried very much to erase from his past. Previously, it was easier to push things aside and pretend they didn't happen but he was with Blaine now; it was time to be honest and open.

At the end of Sebastian’s explanation for what exactly had happened and his traumatic experiences, the man found himself almost shaking and he clenched his hands into fists in an attempt to still himself. “I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner,” he apologized. He knew if Blaine had known earlier, there would've been no way in hell they would’ve gone to that bar with him. That whole night could’ve been avoided. “I'm… I'm sorry.”

Blaine Anderson:

As Sebastian completely poured himself out there right in front of him, Blaine held his breath, tightening his grip on his boyfriend's hand. He listened to every single word that came out of Sebastian's mouth, letting the reality of what he was learning sink in.

A fire ignited in his stomach as it twisted with rage. He knew from the moment he met Hunter Clarington that he was a good-for-nothing low-life, but he couldn't believe what he was hearing. He had never felt so much disdain for one person in his entire life as he felt for Hunter in that moment. Blaine could feel his cheeks warming with every word that Sebastian shared of his past with the other man and all he wanted to do was leave right then and there and find him. He wanted to find Hunter and he wanted to hurt him. He wanted to make him regret ever even thinking about Sebastian.

Blaine did his best to keep his composure and not let Sebastian in on how absolutely furious he was, not wanting to upset him further. He focused himself on the man in front of him and he could see how visibly shaken he’d become from explaining his past-- focusing on how to calm him down. “Hey, hey,” Blaine shook his head as Sebastian apologized, moving to attempt to get closer. “Honey, no.” He whispered, taking the other’s hands in his own again, bringing them to his chest. “Look at me.” Blaine could feel his own hands trembling as he attempted to calm himself and Sebastian, coaxing the taller to look him in the eye. “Don’t you ever, ever, apologize to me or anyone for this.”

Blaine’s voice was calm and serious as he spoke, wanting his boyfriend to really hear him. “This is a really tough thing to talk about, I know. And I’m so proud and grateful that you feel comfortable enough to talk to me about this. You are so strong, Sebastian.” Letting go of one of Sebastian’s hands, he cupped his cheek gently to brush his thumb over the taller’s cheek. “I promise you, you never have to see him or speak to him ever again. He will never, ever, come near you again. I promise.”

Sebastian Smythe:

Sebastian was ashamed and mortified. He had never told anyone his secret; not his friends, not his family, and especially none of his hook-ups. Now that everything was all out in the open, Sebastian felt both relief and a crumbling fear for what would happen next. Eyes downcast and body still slightly trembling, the taller man found it difficult to meet his boyfriend’s eyes. When his hands were pulled closer to Blaine’s chest, Sebastian made eye contact. The first thing he noticed was that Blaine’s face was flushed red and despite the man’s best attempt to remain calm, it was evident he was angry. Sebastian understood; he knew the revealed information was upsetting to say the least and he knew that anger was probably bubbling just beneath the surface.

He let Blaine’s words really sink in, each one weighing more than the last. He didn’t feel strong and he wasn’t sure why Blaine would ever be proud of him. Regardless, the words made him feel loved and his worries were coaxed away slowly. Hearing the promise that Hunter would never be part of their lives was a relief but at the same time it gave Sebastian mixed feelings. Sebastian was also friends with Hunter despite the unwanted sexual encounters. Their relationship was complicated and years of being manipulated had left him puzzled about how he felt about Hunter, even without sex. Still, Sebastian knew better than to voice those thoughts for he knew Blaine was more than furious at the man.

“I just… I don’t want this to be a problem for us. I don’t want him to have ruined anything that could happen for us.” Sebastian expressed. He already knew Blaine was versatile and he wanted to be able to accommodate that. He wanted to connect with Blaine in that way as well; it was just a matter if he would mentally and emotionally capable of doing so. “I want to--” he cut himself off again. Truth be told, he simply wasn’t sure he would ever be able to bottom again.

Blaine Anderson:

Blaine shook his head as Sebastian spoke, bringing the taller’s hands up to his lips to kiss them gently. He was heartbroken seeing his boyfriend like this. All he wanted to do was kiss it and make it all better-- he wanted to take this pain away from Sebastian. “Baby, no.” His voice was soft as he continued to hold Sebastian’s hands to his chest. In his mind it was crazy to think that anything could or would ever come between them and mess up what they had-- he knew it was impossible. But he also knew that Sebastian’s fears were valid and very real, he would have to do everything in his power to make sure the taller knew nothing would ever break them apart.

“You and I,” He started, his golden eyes staring deep into Sebastian’s, practically gazing into his soul. “We’re solid-- we are always going to be okay.” Blaine kissed his boyfriend’s hands again, his voice very serious, yet soft, as he spoke his words of reassurance. “Nothing is ruined-- you and I are so good, honey. So good.” He hated Hunter. He hated him for making Sebastian feel this way-- for forcing them to have this conversation. “I want you to listen to me and listen good, okay? There’s nothing in this world that could ever ruin us. We’re finally together and that’s how it’s going to stay, I promise.”

Blaine made sure that Sebastian held his gaze before saying his next words, wanting them to ring loud and clear in his boyfriend’s mind. “You don’t ever, ever have to bottom if you aren’t comfortable with it. If someday you feel like you want to try it-- we will go slow and if at any moment you need to stop, we will. Don’t ever be afraid to talk to me about this, okay?” Blaine finally let go of Sebastian’s hands to slip his arms around him the best he could to pull him closer. “I love you,” he whispered, pressing his lips to the taller’s temple. “I love you, and you’re okay. We’re okay-- don’t ever doubt that.”  

Sebastian Smythe:

As he stared into Blaine’s eyes, Sebastian felt like something inside of him was melting away. He watched as his boyfriend gently kissed his hands and with each word spoken and each act of affection, Sebastian could feel the love that Blaine felt for him. He shut his eyes when Blaine kissed his forehead, and his chest rose with a shaky breath. He felt like he could relax in Blaine’s gentle but firm embrace. The taller man wrapped his arms around Blaine as best as he could and he screwed his eyes shut tight as he did his best to listen to Blaine’s words and only Blaine’s words. Everything else didn’t matter. Hunter didn’t matter. All he needed was Blaine.

They were okay. They were together and they were okay.

He clung onto every word like a lifeline and he nodded slowly. His insecurities slowly subsided. “I love you too,” he rasped, something catching in his throat. He could feel tears welling up behind his eyelids; his face felt flushed and there was heat building behind his eyes. But he wasn’t about to let himself cry. He promised himself he wouldn’t. So he just hugged Blaine, tightly holding onto him. He repeated Blaine’s words back to himself in his head, telling himself that everything was going to be okay.

When he had calmed down a little and felt like he could talk again without the sensation of a lump stuck in his throat, Sebastian promised to always be upfront and honest about his feelings and if anything were to ever bother him again in the future. It hurt him to see Blaine so upset over what had happened and having to talk about it but Sebastian knew it was better that it was finally out in the open and known. He knew they were stronger because of it.