#there's a part 2 to this rant but this took like. several hours. so I will post that another time

[keicordelle]

Yuki and Performativity: the autistic mask

(aka the analysis I've been trying to figure out how to format for like 3 weeks)

Okay, so now that Yuki's autism has been ~established~ (here, but I'm just going to pretend everyone was following along), I'm really really interested in the subtle ways that that presents itself in his characterization.

Because Re:member does a really great job of making it obvious, because it's written in Yuki's perspective (at least in vol 2) and so heavily flavored with his own though process. But It's equally present in his characterization in the anime (and I assume the game, but I'm not caught up so we're just going based on the anime here). And a lot of that time, that characterization is so delightfully subtle that I didn't even pick up on it the first time through. But now I'm obsessed and I'm Noticing Things and y'all must suffer with me. so.

I think it's fair to say that Yuki's blunt and cold nature are features of his autism. Also probably the fact that he is extremely awkward when it comes to emotions and, notably for this discussion, expressing them. (oh to be a fire extinguisher)

But he's also really good at acting. And I'm making some assumptions here based on my own experiences, but I figure this comes in large part from the amount of effort he puts into trying to read others. He picks apart other people's interactions to figure out why they're reacting certain ways because he doesn't Get It.

And so he uses that in his every day life. Like, you wouldn't really figure someone so extremely autistic and introverted would make for a very good idol, what with the whole "having to interact with people all day every day" thing -- and he didn't want to be an idol! He just wanted to make his music and have people appreciate it! In fact, he looked down on idols at first, which probably had more to do with him undervaluing their artistic integrity (or at least I imagine that's how he would frame it), but he is very explicit about how he doesn't like how people fawn over him (read: idols) because of their looks rather than on the merits of the music.

Anyway. One of the key features of his characterization is that he's always acting. Always. There are a handful of moments we see him in the anime where he's not playing a role, even and particularly when he's off stage.

I've talked before (here) about Re:vale's introduction and how from the very first moment we see them, they're On. Not just in their initial prank on i7 where they pretend to be serious and scary, but also in the bubbly happy personas they present afterwards. They drop one mask for another, and at no point are they ever not wearing their idol stage personas. This is relevant to i7 for reasons but for this discussion rant it's relevant because this is how Yuki engages with the world. There are only a handful of times where we ever see him truly drop his guard -- usually only when he's alone with Momo, and occasionally around Yamato, which will be relevant in a bit. (And one other very notable time towards the end of season 3, but we'll get there.)

Anyway. He's only ever comfortable when he's playing a role. Which is never explicitly established, and I love it all the more for that, because they're totally content to just let you pick up on that without shoving it in your face. But they introduce it in ways that are subtler than I even thought at first. Because at first I was like, "okay, well he's got his stage ikemen persona, and he's got his sillier tsukkomi routine, and he's got his darker prankster who genuinely seems to be enjoying your discomfort persona (which is probably the one among them that's closest to his reality, because he really does seem to enjoy teasing and making people uncomfortable even when he's not On)

But literally any time he has to engage with someone, he falls back on a performance. A myriad of them, in as many different faces as he needs. And even when he tries to be genuine, he'll fall back on that performative role as soon as someone offers him an out. He will become whatever other people need or want him to be, so long as it doesn't involve being himself.

We see this particularly clearly while Yamato's struggling with his role in Mission and Yuki comes to him in a genuine effort to help

You can see the transformation in Yuki's face : Yamato has offered him a role, and he is now going to take that and run with it.

He steps into that role as easily as that, and from there on out, everything he says, while still true to his own beliefs, is very heavily shaded by his new performance as a criminal psychologist. It makes it easier for him to express himself, because he's no longer Yukito Orikasa, fumbling his way through emotions that he's been told time and again that he doesn't express properly, he's Yuki, criminal psychologist, and that's something he can figure out how to be.

You can even see it in his gestures; from then on, they get extremely dramatic, very much what you'd expect in a stage play (moreso even than in a movie). Which works well considering this is an anime and dramatic gestures suit the medium, and that's probably part of why I didn't really notice that at first. Even his tone becomes more dramatic. You can hear it flowing up and down the scale of emotion, rather than his usual low, teasing edge. Really great direction all around tbh

We see this same sort of transformation in the next episode, while Yamato's staying with him, and honestly this scene makes it a whole lot clearer. Yuki does actually start off more himself in this episode because he's in his own home. He doesn't really want to go out of his way for Yamato, he's mostly helping him out of obligation, so the mask slips a bit.

He flits in and out of a couple different personas fairly rapidly at the start of their interaction. Even Yamato remarks on this, which I actually didn't realize until just now when I was skimming through to find the shot I wanted to reference. He's never fully seen Yuki with his metaphorical hair down before, and the change is remarkable

He offers Yamato some advice, rather against his own will. His countdown here is his "speak now if you want me to listen to your problems or else I'm leaving" ultimatum, and he fully intended to when he gets to zero. But he doesn't (which I think surprises them both), and when Yamato calls out to him, he stops and actually offers genuine advice, no persona there to filter it. And it's harsh, like he usually is when he's unfiltered, because he's Autistic As Fuck and doesn't really know how to be anything else no matter how hard he tries (as is very explicitly laid out in Re:member : he has tried, hard, and he just can't figure it out)

And then he immediately falls into another role, when it's clear he's going to be trapped in this conversation that he doesn't really want to be having. Which is equal parts to soothe himself and to piss of Yamato, I think. Maybe heavier on the piss-off-Yamato side of things, because for all that he's helping him, they really really don't like each other, and Yuki's really kind of an asshole at heart

And from here on out he fully embraces the mocking asshole persona he's chosen to adopt. The same thing happens: he becomes more expressive both in voice and gesture, and it both softens the blow of the harsh things he says and makes it worse.

And you can then see the exact moment Yuki realizes that he's Fucked Up this conversation and pushed things much much further than he expected or intended to

(a shot which is on the screen for like less than half a second and that I had to clip and go frame by frame through to get because my own autism is now Activated)

The next scene is, I think, rather intentionally ambiguous (at least at the start) as to how genuine Yuki's responses are. It's fairly well established that, despite his aichmophobia, Yuki doesn't really have a ton of self-preservation instinct when it comes to fights, so it's seems entirely reasonable that his continued efforts to poke at the already enraged bear are just, what he'd do and not a persona he's putting on

However, it becomes clearer further into the scene that this is indeed another performance for him. First here, somewhat subtly, where in the actual line of dialogue, he calls Yamato "Yamato-bocchan", which, while appropriately mocking, also places him very firmly in a role other than his natural disposition.

From here on out, it becomes fairly clear to me that he's reverted back to his role from Mission. Yukito Orikasa is shed once more (if he was ever truly present here), and Yuki the Criminal Psychologist has taken his place. Yamato's breakdown follows a similar script to his character's here, though his is genuine -- but Yuki reads the similarities and falls back into his psychologist role.

He then offers Yamato some advice that actually references Shizuo's own words, which is... a huge Dick Move in this moment but that is actually a super neat and subtle reference, especially because he genuinely thinks he's helping.

he's not.

And this part is fun because it then becomes a lot less clear if Yamato's clued in to the role he's playing and is now playing along with his part in the movie, or if he's really just genuinely doing this (it's the latter, but it teases the possibility for most of the scene)

But anyway, the point kind of got away from me. You see Yuki fall back on this acting any time he's in a situation he doesn't know how to handle -- or, well. Not just then, actually. Pretty much in any situation. He's more comfortable pretending to be someone else than he is being himself, and he'll default to that whenever he can get away with it. He maintains it even when he's alone with Momo a lot of the time (I have an headcanon about Momo knowing what it is he's doing and allowing him it, as a sort of kindness)

Of course, his dealings with Yamato are hardly the only time we see this so clearly presented. He draws any number of roles over him like a mask, and falls into whichever suits his needs -- perhaps most notably at the very end of season 3, where he dons the caricature persona of a thug in order to try to protect Momo. Which is, uh. Maybe not the best idea he's ever had but hey, it works, kind of, so more power to you, Yuki.

He (arguably) adopts this same sort of thuggy image earlier in the season, for much the same reasons, when he waits outside Ryo's apartment with a baseball bat (that he definitely does not know how to use).

However! Of particular interest is the scene where he confronts Touma, where he's actually not assuming some sort of role. This scene is pure, unadulterated Yuki, and that frightens Touma and Torao exactly the same way as it puzzled Yamato above.

This scene itself is more a commentary on his relationship with Momo than it is Yuki's performative nature, really, because it highlights very well the fact that he's willing to do anything for the sake of his partner. It's pretty clear to me that when he walks into the dressing room and when he first confronts Touma, he's not Yuki the Badass, he's Yukito Orikasa, desperately trying to track down his partner.

Like, this is very much Yuki's real personality, not one of his endless roles

And that is precisely what gives him the edge here. Touma and Torao are really not expecting him to be so cruel and careless. They're used to Idol Yuki, handsome and flippant and appeasing. Not Yukito, entirely willing to stomp all over the law if it means saving Momo from danger

This is one of the only times that Yuki lets his true colors shine so obviously true. Usually Momo or Rinto is there to remind him to be aware of his station and to keep himself in check, but Momo is in danger and Yuki Does Not Care about the consequences, because at the end of the day, he's cold and calculating and absolutely nothing like the friendly persona he puts on, and he's only really doing this because he's passionate about music, not because he loves being an idol

Anyway. I guess all that sums up into: Yuki, first among the Autists, hides behind different masks so often that everyone around him is startled when he drops them, including himself a lot of the time. And that the show (and presumably the game) does a really incredible job of presenting this incredibly subtly

[noemilivv]

What the

HAZBIN HOTEL CAST

are like as …

PARTNERS !! (And before that!) (Pt. 2)

Also before I get into this, I would just like to say THANK YOU SO MUCH for the immense amount of love I got on the first part of this!! I would’ve never thought I would’ve gotten so much love so quickly, so thanks a bunch for every like or reblog, they mean the world :)

Including: Vox, Velvette, Rosie, Cherri

Warnings: Sexual references (no smut), swear words, possible spoilers to S1

Vox

Crush!Vox had a crush on you before he even met you lmfao

You were a performer, a performer he really wanted to market, and he spent so much time gawking over you and that opportunity before he even met you

But once Crush!Vox got the opportunity to work for you and officially meet you, he was stoked, but don’t let that fool you, he kept his cool…on the outside

And, still, he spent more time gawking over you…

But now, that time Crush!Vox spent fangirling was now spent in his office. He would have to put so much concentration into not short-circuiting, he would not be able to catch what your saying.

After a few months of working with you, he invites you to a ‘business dinner.’

Yeah… ‘business dinner’ turns into fucking…

It took a few weeks after for Crush/Situationship!Vox to turn into BF!Vox, and to be honest, he isn’t sure where to start…

Sure, BF!Vox has fucked around quite a bit, but honestly… he’s never been in an actual relationship with a label, it’s a bit of a heavy weight and he’s scared to do it, but that doesn’t mean he won’t.

His love language is definitely physical touch and acts of service, he’s not great with his words, he actually sounds like a dick in most sentences that fly out of his mouth, so actions are the only way he knows how.

BF!Vox fucks up his words a lot when he isn’t using his business persona, because he’s not used to talking like that, he genuinely has to keep a mental checklist to make sure he doesn’t fuck up his words — especially if you’re upset.

BF!Vox tries to show it through actions (in more ways than one) instead, whether it be a hug while your upset, doing an extra bit of your work if you’re having a rough week so you don’t have to worry about it, physical intimacy, the list goes on.

Overall, he may not be all he’s built up to be, but he genuinely has so much love for you, he just wishes he could tell you.

Velvette

Crush!Velvette is the kinda girl to absolutely stalk your ass when she likes you (not actually), whether it be checking your location every five minutes, digging into your social media pages (especially with the help of Vox), and so much more.

Crush!Velvette decides to DM you about a potential ‘business offer’ (gotta keep the name clean, yk?) to start out, and you guys meet for lunch to discuss it, yeah uh.. turns out you guys hit it the fuck off immediately!

Once you and Crush!Velvette really get close, you grow close to the other Vee’s too, sorta making you and honorary Vee member.

Your off with Vox and Val, and Val’s bitching about god knows what, until he slips about Velvette’s feelings for you.

“Oh yeah, fuckin’ Velvette is just SO into you now, like excuse me bitch?! What the fuck am I to you if you think so HIGHLY of THAT? No offense… But anywa-” Val rants off as you three cruise the street, without Velvette’s presence.

“VAL.” Vox glitched, cutting off Val mid-rant, gesturing to you beside him, before Valentino mutters a “Shit.” under his breath.

Yeah… Velvette found out, and she was livid, but only for a short period because she got sidetracked when she found out you felt the same.

Now GF!Velvette LOVES spoiling you, she’s also constantly getting you business opportunities with either her or one of the boys, tailoring you custom outfits no one else has, spending a shit ton of cash on you, she’s basically a sugar mommy…

GF!Velvette’s love language is gift giving. She could for sure spend several hours at the mall picking out gifts for you, from all different ends of the extreme, one day she’ll come home with a small, cheap trinket from HellMart that was stupid but nonetheless reminded her of you, and the next day she’ll come home with some expensive ass designer clothes and bag.

GF!Velvette thrives off of princess treatment, especially because of how she was treated with the Vee’s before your relationship, so she kinda expects it cause then she feels kinda empty inside without it, and she can get a bit bratty about it, but baby girl means well💕

Rosie

Crush!Rosie notices right away, and she’s pretty smart about it. She spends time with you, but not too much. She’s nice to you, but she pulls back to tease slightly. She gives you a taste of what life would be like with her, but not a big enough taste so your left wanting to know whats next.

Crush!Rosie catches onto the fact that you just might feel the same way, so she decides to just suck it up and ask.

After realizing you two feel the same about each other, you share a lovely conversation over tea about what you two want out of this, communication is very important to Rosie so she thinks if she gives it to you, you’ll give it right back, right?

You two decide, yeah, a relationship would be cool, and GF!Rosie is through the roof!

GF!Rosie is a very open and honest gf, communication is very important to her, it’s one of her top things she expects out of a partner, she tries her best to have an open mind when it comes to her partner, even if you two have a problem, and she expects the same from you — She’s very vocal in a civil way about her feelings and expectations — but don’t let that scare you, she’s a sweetie!

GF!Rosie’s love language is quality time and words of affirmation! Rosie doesn’t expect anything extravagant, (although it is nice, and she surely doesn’t mind it), but being with you is simply enough— and as stated before, she’s not afraid to speak her mind around her partner, so she thinks you look good? She’s gonna say it. She thinks you’re amazing? She’s gonna say it. That’s just how she is, and she hopes you can get used to it because she’s sure as hell comfortable with you.

Cherri

Crush!Cherri will be completely oblivious to the fact that you like her, it could be right in front of her face, and she’d have absolutely no idea. Unless you flat out suck her face off, she’ll have no clue. Which kinda stops her from confessing for awhile.

But after having a talk with Angel, she decides to go for it.

“Cherri, you’re telling me your a badass hoe, who can chuck bombs like it’s nothin’, but you can’t tell someone you wanna bang?” Angel goes off to Cherri as they watch the romcom on the TV infront of them.

She thinks for a moment. “Huh. Yeah. You’re right. I’m gonna tell them!” Cherri announces, marching off,

“Wait now?! Yous leaving me ‘n Fat Nuggets alone!?”

And then, you get a knock on your door at 1am, and it’s Crush!Cherri, with bed head and peejays, going on and on, you didn’t understand a lot of it, you were fucking tired! But bottom line is, you got out ‘We should date’ and you did not pass that opportunity.

GF!Cherri tries to push you out of your comfort zone, and sometimes that leads to accidentally pressuring you, she won’t know unless you tell her (again, not the most aware person), but if you do she ends up feeling really bad, but she’s glad she knows now!

GF!Cherri’s love language is so quality time, it doesn’t matter if you guys are shooting bitches or cuddling on the couch or fucking, as long as she’s with YOU, she could care less

She may not be the best girlfriend ever, but as long as you stick by her side, she’s content.

[jeanmoreaux]

top 9 books

tagged forever ago by @doctorsrose & @rosesau (🫶🫶🫶)

tagging: @lvnchs | @permanentreverie | @tolerateit | @speaknowtv | @henwilsons | @newtmsa | @greenribon | @brimay | @hollyfhumberstone | @tbosas | @alinastarkovz (ofc no pressure <3 would love to hear about your fav books in whatever way you wanna share and if you don't then that's okay too!)

rules: list your top 9 books obviously. like the people before me and probably most people who did this i cheated and put series or several books by the same author as one thing bc rules are made for breaking <3 this is very much both an 'off the top of my head' as well as a 'laboured over this for hours' kind of list that's heavily biased to the present moment.

(1.) all for the game by nora sakavic; i don't even know what to say about this. either you read it and Get why this is on my list or you Don't. and if you haven't read it this is not a recommendation btw. this is just me saying these books did irreparable damage to my developing teenage brain. hit me like no other series probably ever will again because i read this at the Right Time while being the exact right amount of Insane. and just like seed mentioned in her list if you want to know Me and Understand Me then you need to know this series. i am sure there are traces of it in my dna by now.

(2.) the raven cycle by maggie stiefvater; same goes for this one tbh. if you want to know Me and Understand Me then you need to know this series. another instance of Right Time and Right Me. these books burrowed themselves deep into my bones and became a part of my dna. they shaped soo much of my taste in prose, storytelling techniques, tropes, and dynamics. this story and these characters took me apart and put me back together again but rearranged some essential parts inside of me. much like with aftg, i came out of this series irreversibly changed and drenched in blood final girl style.

(3.) frankenstein by mary shelley; a beautifully written story with soooo much room for whatever literary lens you want to apply to it. i know i answered an ask once where i talked about my love for this book in detail but i can't find it. but i found this rant on frankenstein and the creature. i think a lot of my love for this story comes from the fact that i had the chance to work closely with the text several times. but also it's just a heart-wrenching tale about how we define humanity and how love is essential nourishment for the soul. it reminds me of that one quote from the good place: "people improve when they get external love and support. how can we hold it against them when they don’t?" because frankenstein basically answers the question what happens when someone gives you a life you didn't ask for and then opts out of any (emotional) responsibility and leaves you desolate and utterly forsaken.

(4.) the green bone saga by fonda lee; an epic family saga i still think about A Lot. kinda succession without logan but make it fantasy mafia. sibling relationships are a big part of this story too. which if you know me. big fan of that. it's also a series that grows in scope (world building wise) and keeps adding complexity So Naturally it's impressive. amazing storytelling craft at work fr. definitely an underhyped series in my opinion.

(5.) the sword of kaigen by m.l. wang; another fantasy story focusing on family dynamics but also functioning as a character study. it's a self-published work and it shows in the BEST way. there's just something about it that makes me insane one a storytelling level because it breaks so many conventions and you either hate that or love that but no matter your opinion on it i think it's undeniable that this book has some of the best character work written in recent years. i desperately need to reread.

(6.) on earth we’re briefly gorgeous by ocean vuong; another book that fucked me up with its beautiful prose and incredibly gut-wrenching emotional honesty. it really feels like you're reading about someone ripping out the most vulnerable and messed up and complex parts of their soul and laying them bare for you to see expecting nothing but acknowledgement in return. and while my own lived experience is nothing close to ocean vuong's the emotional core of this book rings so true. also i just have to say it again. the prose fucks severely.

(7.) the grisha trilogy & the six of crows duology by leigh bardugo; another (two) series i read in my teens that shaped my taste to a drastic degree. the crows are just forever ingrained in my brain. alina's story will forever fuck me up. you all know. you all understand. w're not getting into it. i think the fact that tgt is so misunderstood and undervalued just makes me love it more. because if you get it. damn. devastating. if you don't. so sorry for you because you're missing out.

(8.) the song of achilles & circe by madeline miller; tbh both of these retellings did something to my brain. you all know these i don't have to elaborate. it's very typical queer of me to fawn over anything to do with greek mythology and retellings but. these two just HIT different. also, the prose? makes me a little insane.

(9.) giovanni’s room by james baldwin; this book has some of the most insane prose i have ever read. baldwin's grasp on language is uncanny fr. every other sentence packs a punch in one way or another. he manages to capture some aspects of the queer (specifically the bi) experience in a way that felt so familiar to me and put words to so many of my internal experiences. it's about the self and identity and being lost and refusing to let yourself be found. it's also about human connections and how you'll wither when you deny yourself to open up to the people closest to you. it's about so many things without being about one think in particular. like all the other books on this list, love and belonging are at the core of it, but in a very distorted way. i don't think you can really understand unless you've read it. it's So Good.

honorable mentions; emma by jane austen (cunty women RULE), wuthering heights by emily brontë (severely fucked up in the most entertaining way. that's how you write drama.) east of eden by john steinbeck (cain and abel shit and deranged women? sign me up), these violent delights by micah nemerever (be gay do crime in the most mentally ill way possible), if we were villains (love it when characters haunt a narrative. also definitely a book about the gay sex that is not happening), women in love by d.h. lawrence (still currently making my way through this one but it's so deliciously messed up and queer i am almost certain it will leave a permanent mark)

[lostrealities0]

Finding Home part 2

Part 1 - Next

"Oh. Sorry." They took a moment to look around the restaurant, and returned to staring at Hueso. They sounded...young. Couldn't be much older than the turtle boys. "I was just- I didn't know how to enter."

Hueso eye widened. "You knocked earlier."

They stood up, nodding. The black goop solidified for the most part into skin and clothes. Features formed on their face and their eyes stopped glowing, revealing dark pupils.

"How long were you out there?"

"I don't know. Maybe...three hours?" They shrugged. The casual gesture contrasted with their stiff body. It was a look that Hueso was very familiar with. A confident facade to disguise fear and disconnect, one his Pepino used to wear a lot.

Something tugged in Hueso's ribcage. This was a kid. A kid that stood outside in an alleyway for hours alone. A kid that's scared but trying to hide it. It didn't take a genius to figure out something was wrong.

Hueso asked the first thing that came to mind. "Are you in danger?"

They hesitated. "No."

"Do you need anything?"

This time, he never got an answer. He signed, running a bony hand down his face. Why him? Why did all the teens go to him? The said teen's stomach growled. "Alright. You sit." Hueso pointed at a nearby table. "I will get something for you to eat."

"I don't have any money-"

Hueso cut them off. "On the house. If you feel bad, make it up to me later. For now, sit."

The dark being obeyed, awkwardly pulling out a chair.

Several minutes later, Hueso returned with a small pizza, a salad, and some water. When they didn't take anything, he slid the platter closer. Immediately, they chugged the glass of water, careful to place it down gently. Hueso refilled it while they worked on the food.

"My name is Señor Hueso."

The teen stopped eating. "Hola," their voice was quiet.

That was concerning. "You don't have to share your name if you are not comfortable with doing so."

They looked to the side. "I don't...I don't like my name."

"That's alright. You can be called whatever you want to be called...niño? Niña?"

"Niño. I'm a boy." The kid smiled a little.

"Good to know." Hueso let him finish eating before speaking again. It pained him to see the kid eat so desperately, even more so when Hueso recognized that he was trying to hold himself back. He couldn't help but wonder how long it had been since the teen had food. Concern flooded the skeleton. He thought about his son, how he couldn't bare the thought of the boy going through something like this.

Hueso wasn't an altruist. He didn't go out of his way to help others. But he was a father.

Y este niño lo necesitaba.

---

---

A/n under cut

Once again, thanks for reading! If there are any errors, please let me know!

The oc/reader can be interpreted as trans or not. I'm technically writing him as trans, but not really mentioning it (not liking your name doesn't have to be dysphoria related). He does identify with nonbinary as well, however he mainly uses he/him pronouns and almost always describes himself as male.

I love representation, and as a trans guy myself, I love being seen. But at the same time, I don't want having the label "trans" being attached to me, nor the character. Yes, I'm a trans man, but I'm also just a man. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of being trans and have no issues with showing that, but it's not all that I am, and I don't want that to be all this character is either.

Sorry for the rant. Tl;dr: whether or not he is trans is not important for the story. I may change this in the future. Either way, he's a boy :)

[so-make-the-moon]

Discussion of frustrating medical things ahead

Spent 9 hours in the ER yesterday with chest pain after starting a new medication that can cause cardiac complications.

Heart is perfect, but the doctor was flabbergasted that I haven't had an upper endoscopy for 15 years even though I've had Crohn's (and therefore colonoscopies regularly), and symptoms of GERD for the entire time.

So because of that lack of medical care, I likely have permanent changes to my esophagus and stomach that require surgery to correct.

I've been with 3 gastroenterologists and 2 general practitioners in those 15 years, between them retiring, or moving, or me moving, etc. Not one of them has thought to actually look at my esophagus and stomach even though I've been coming to them multiple times a year, every year with symptoms that severely affect my quality of life.

It took me going to the ER for chest pain for someone to take me seriously. The chest pain is esophageal spasms most likely, and I've had them for years until I started a medication for acid reflux 2 years ago, but it started again after starting this new medication and I was concerned it was different.

I KNEW all of this was related, is the frustrating part. It's almost definitely caused by the permanent changes in my small intestine from Crohn's that could also be corrected with surgery, but because I'm "young and otherwise healthy" they've pushed surgery off for years. I literally had a consultation with a surgeon 10 years ago!

Not one doctor has taken my concerns about my quality of life seriously and I'm so frustrated. These doctors have always otherwise been great, and generally very helpful, but somehow this has fallen through the cracks.

I mean it's literally 4:43am and I've been awake for hours with chest pain and nausea. I can't eat, can't sleep. I've missed an excessive amount of work to the point that I'm actually shocked I haven't been fired.

Anyway rant over. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I want this surgery so I can go about my life like a normal person

[brookeisa-phantom]

“How did you end up here?”

Was a question I was asked many, many times my first few weeks. I think in the family asked me this question at least once, except for Howdy. Him and I don’t talk much. But every time I asked asked that annoying question, I answered like this.

It was a really long and rough night. I was on a date with my husband and we got into a really bad argument when we got home. I said some things I shouldn’t have said, he did something he shouldn’t have done. I left my home, leaving everything behind that night. I ran over to the nearest bar I could honestly. I guess it was a coincidence I ended up at Howdy’s. But I sat down at just a barstool and tried to forget what had just happened. Little did I know, my demise was sitting next to me.

“Well, I haven’t see you in a while.”

He said. I looked at him and it took me a minute to register that it was him. Wally. I was surprised and quite happy to see him. After everything in the last 6 hours I was so relieved to see someone I knew. Finally someone to talk to. After had chatted for a bit he asked, “How has your life been?” With that same voice from years ago. I was shocked that he wanted to know more about me still. I thought he didn’t exactly care, but I guess not. I didn’t give my experiences to him lightly I’ll tell you that much. I-… what’s the word… ranted, vented… laid it out? A combination of those I guess. I told him everything. How ever since I moved away from the original neighborhood I lost all my friends. I couldn’t even make any where I work now. No family either. I was so alone. His face seemed to light up, ever so slightly, when I said I was purely alone and had no family or friends. It was at this moment he asked me a question. The question that locked you in wether you said yes or no.

“Would you like to be apart of a family?”

I was… a little flattered but mostly uncomfortable I guess you could say. It was incredibly out of left field. I quickly asked him to elaborate or something to work off of rather than a terribly vague question. He got up from the stool he was sitting at and… not exactly asked. More like he demanded me to. Like, I don’t think I was aloud to say no to that. So I awkwardly got up and followed him wherever he was going. He took us to a more, less exposed part of the city before explaining to me what he meant. It was along the lines of: you can finally be apart of a family and be happy. You don’t have to worry about your past life, and everything will be ok again. But it was at the expense of something.

He essentially asked me to be apart of his personal family so it was a bit awkward. I said that “I was flattered and all but I can’t.” I couldn’t just leave my life behind like that. I don’t think he liked that answer, looking back.

The next thing I remember was waking up in some room. I think it was some warehouse. Must’ve had high ceilings because every sound you made, it echoed somehow. I must’ve just woken up when we got there because Wally was just closing the door behind him as he walked in. I would be lying if this guy didn’t do everything in his power to “persuade me”. I was shocked by how strong he was. I am like 2 inches shorter than him though so maybe that was also a contributor but damn, ya know? I thought it was only gonna be like, physical as in arms and fists only but… no. He had the bright idea of deciding to cut me up. I think by the time he was finished and hindered me enough to take what he needed, I was severed from what a human would call their rib cage, my hips and down were completely disconnected from my upper torso. My right forearm was clean off. Along with a lot of deep gashes around the rest of my body. Small pieces of my insides, or fluff, was everywhere around me. I was in such terrible, agonizing, tormenting pain. He grabbed something from a table a few feet away and went over to me. All it took was a quick jab in with.. fuck what was it… was it scalpel? I can’t remember it doesn’t matter. But, that and a hard yank, to disconnect it from the nerve.

The last thing I saw was my right on the tip of that scalpel before blacking out again.

I don’t know who’s long I was out for. I’d assume a while. I woke up very, very slowly. I felt strange, I felt my body parts again. They were stitched back onto me with large stitches and bright red string. Every cut and gash from my skin was shut now. When I opened my left and only eye, I saw.. well, you know who, cowering over me with his stupid smile. Along with everyone else, standing beside and behind him. Everyone from that old neighborhood they were all… here? It was.. a shock for me. Then I heard the phrase. That one line he said that haunts me even after a few years of being apart of the family. The once quote that will eat away at me until I die…

“Welcome to the family, Ms. Maroo.”

[credits]:

AU - @clownsuu (I really want you to see this 💀)

Art and backstory - you’re truly✨

And of course, Welcome Home itself - ClownShaped Coffin. The man the myth the legend himself.

[tundralwhisper]

AAAARRRGGGHHH

Literally took a walk into the forest at 2:30am, despite my knee pain that gets worse after walking like 10 meters.

So, before I rant, ramble, and vent, the Context:

I DM a D&D game for friends, on the server where I met most of them. It's a server of about 400 people, though *maybe* 30 are actually active.

Donald J Trump got shot (unsurprising), and a friend (who is in the game) went into the server's "controversy" channel (a bad idea to even have that channel, ngl) and mentioned that this is gonna be a big danger for trans people, because the nutjobs supporting trump have just gotten the most intense incitement to violence imaginable. He may have made a little bit of an inflammatory remark on the matter

Another friend (who is also in the game) did NOT like that. And the conversation got *heated*. I joined, 2 other players joined (that's 4 out of 5, plus me). Over the course of the discussion, they dropped several instances of hate speech. Transphobic rhetoric, xenophobia, it was *BAD*. Mind you, one of the people in the game is literally an immigrant, and him and I are both not very cis.

Meanwhile, I was in a movie watchalong (American Werewolf in London, very funny movie tbh, kept me sane during this) while participating in the discussion.

I postponed D&D, trying to figure out how best to kick the nutjob. Then passed out for 12 hours.

Shit. Went. Down. Other mods got involved, jumped the gun on an announcement without reading the hate speech context, things got convoluted, two people left the server: The nutjob, and the immigrant friend.

I solved things in the end, by making a seperate server for the D&D game and inviting everyone over (except the nutjob, he specifically said he left the campaign, too).

So, bad situation. Not happy.

Now, the VENT PART!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHH GODS FUCK WHY FUCKIK I SLEPT FOR 12 HORUS AND SO M;UCH SHIT IMMEDIATEL WENT DOWN AND ALL THE OVERTHINGKING AND PLANS AND SHIT DID NOTHIGN TO HELP A'CAUSE I WAS ASLEEP FUCKIG SHIT FGUCK.

OKAY. Okay. Phew. I don't usually post anything, anywhere, without double and triple checking grammar and spelling. Not this time. FUCKING HELL.

Between postponing the D&D game I was making PLANS. I was THINKING, PLOTTING even. I was gonna get the other players' views on the nutjob, I was gonna write up a civil and calm message to send to the nutjob to kick him and be done with it, 'cause I didn't wanna cause drama across the active parts of the server.

And then, I just had to fucking pass out and assume things wouldn't implode for a couple hours at least. I passed out for 12 hours, and everything was fucked when I woke up. The drama had already extended beyond the group into server-wide drama, I had to abandon all my plans and improvise (I suck at that), and just. ARGH. I'm mad.

I'm mad. Actually, genuinely mad. Not even at the nutjob, he's a victim of propaganda. I'm mad at the "mod" (doesn't even have actual mod powers, barely qualifies as a mall cop for the server) that made a statement to spread the trouble so much further than it needed to be. Like, do you not *READ* something before you type a response? Are you out of your FUCKING mind?!

Like, people were mad not over the economics talk it fizzled out to, but over the ACTUAL FUCKING HATE SPEECH you absolute childish IMBECILE. "Be respectful, agree to disagree" IT WAS ABOUT HUMAN RIGHTS, THERE IS NO "DISAGREE" ON THAT YOU DUMB CENTRIST FUCKWIT.

At least he realized when he went back to read it - WHICH I HAD TO TELL HIM TO DO. Do you need a parent to carry your brain after you everwhere so you don't forget to fucking THINK, too?!

But also... it's sad to see that someone I thought a friend had fallen so deep into the propaganda, and someone else I considered a reasonable person turned out to be so fucking stupid as to not consider that context matters a lot.

I hate insulting people like this. Fuck, man. I'm gonna go sink into endless amounts of angsty music now, if anyone needs me try to search the woods near my house.

[danko420]

im having a hard time not getting fired by my job...

I've already run my mouth in support of Palestine to a few different people but ive been keeping a mental checklist of like... morally reprehensible thoughts and activities... basically everytime someone says something and i have to bite my tongue or else go into a rant about why Thing Bad.

Yesterday was sort of the last straw but i'll cover the previous 2 first:

- nice irish lady wearing h*rry p*tter merch (i cant believe in 2024 i still have to explain to ANYONE jkr is a terf who thinks all transwomen are perverts trying to harass women in public washrooms but HERE WE ARE. ALSO p sure we have a transwoman in the office but i havent had a chance to talk to them yet so not 100% sure. By wearing it, even if its old and not a recent purchase, you are signaling to trans and queer people who see it that you value fantasy kids stories more than the real world suffering of marginalized people, and are not a safe person to talk to... and shes HR)

- several people using and encouraging use of generative ai to produce images instead of paying an artist (the first time it came up was someone trying to generate a design for a floral centerpiece for a banquet- which we were already hiring a florist to handle... so, trying to steal work from small local business owners. second time was when i was designing some posters for around the office, someone made a joke i dont even remember about what we could put on one and i think i replied like "yeah if i can find a picture of it" and they were like "we have ai we can make pictures of anything!" and i swiftly removed myself from the conversation. At least that time we werent going to be taking money from anyone because they were just fun posters and were in no way generating profit but STILL.)

- my boss drives a tesla (didnt realize it was a tesla when i got in but saw the big tablet screen in the dash and started rambling about how stupid cyber trucks are- to which she mentioned her husband wanted one. when i mentioned it was like they threw out all the established knowledge and practices for vehicle safety we had developed over like a century of having cars she seemed to imply that was good in a gotta break to remake things sorta way (i think her exact statement was about like... we would still be all using diesel if things didnt change, which like... not really the same thing as getting rid of crumple zones and side mirrors but go off i guess). i said m*sk was evil and she said she didnt support what he does but does support the work his scientists are doing, and its like... cant do one without the other... owning a tesla means financially supporting el*n m*sk, therefore it is immoral- i do not have the patience or time to list all his crimes, if you dont know already pls look it up. ALSO she named it Toad (like from mario) because its red with white detailing and im like... cute but not cute enough to make up for it being a tesla)

and im just... im just so tired every day. I come home every day scared i put my foot in my mouth and i will be let go... part of me hopes i will be so i can be free of this purgatory and 2 hour daily commute, but im not actively or consciously trying to risk this job because it took me 5 months to fuckin find it...

Its just like.. if i know better its my moral obligation to correct someone, to mitigate harm, but in doing so im risking harm to myself (losing my job, someone snapping and physically attacking me, etc)

im just really disappointed in the world every damn day

[g-goslower]

moving from anime for a second, I watched Dune Part 2 yesterday and I'm annoyed. Spoilers to the movie, the book and Dune Messiah after the cut.

look. Dune (the book) is very close to my heart. I love it, it makes me feel everything, it's so well written and the story is heartbreaking. I loved the first movie so much, I watched it several times, including a long travel to the closest IMAX theatre (2 trains and a bus). It captured the book perfectly and I felt like someone took my imagination and put it on the screen. absolutely marvelous.

Then came part 2. In the book, the things that happen after the first movie ends are insane. It becomes super intense, confusing as hell and so much fun to read, so I anticipated that movie like crazy. I didn't like it.

The good things in it: The fucking cinematography holy shit, but in terms of story, I only liked Paul's first solo ride and Feyd's gladiator fight. it was nuts.

The bad things: everything else.

I hated the way they wrote Chani. It felt like some propaganda to make her look badass, but Chani loves Paul more than anything, and she's a lot more religious in the book. She becomes a sayyadina when Jessica becomes a reverend mother, and takes a big part in the ceremony.

that ceremony was awful. in the book it's a whole thing, the entire sietch takes part in it. it's scary and awesome and thrilling, and it's not what I got and wanted in the movie.

Where tf was Alia??? She's supposed to be like 3-4 by the end of the movie, but Jessica doesn't give birth at all. Alia actually had a big part in their win over the emperor, so I hated that too.

speaking of Alia, why tf is she played by Anya Taylor Joy???? in Paul's vision???? worst casting yet.

going back to Chani and Paul, where tf is baby Leto?? they're supposed to have a child who is brutally murdered, Chani. is. not. a. fighter. making her a fedaykin is a ridiculous attempt in feminism and I hated that. They even had sex in the movie but not a word about her getting pregnant.

which brings me to the end of the movie. Paul takes Irulan to be his wife so he becomes the new emperor. in the book, she is his legal wife, but Chani is his lover and the only one he actually cares about. They even have a beautiful conversation about it in the end of the book. very emotional and sweet. In the movie, she's angry, she's hurt, and she runs away. WTF????????? NO??!?! I hate it.

if Denis is gonna made Dune Messiah as well, how tf is it going to connect?? that book is about their relationship. it's about how Irulan doesn't let Chani get pregnant, and Paul doesn't sleep with her. it's about Paul's love for Chani, it's tragic and it hurts and it's so sad, and it's the conclusion of Paul's life. it's 10 years after the first book.

also why aren't they referring to the fact that Kynes is Chani's mother?? (father in the book but fine whatever)

anyway this rant is a mess but I'm just really annoyed about this movie I drove for over 3 hours just to see it in IMAX and now I wish I didn't.

[ellenent]

@katana-no-neko okay let me rant for a bit on Octopath Traveler lol

It is not that I totally dislike it, or else I guess I wouldn't have played for 90 hours or so...but I really like JRPGS, so maybe I just don't know when to quit lol But there are a lot of things I didn't like about it. The story, for example: the idea of 8 characters with different stories that would meet and go on adventuring together was really promising, but I don't think it worked well. I expected them to connect with each other or at least have an influence, but no, they just would make some random commentary on each other's story that felt really hollow. Some part of the story also didn't make sense for 8 people being together lol like when they throw someone at a hole, I was like there is no way 8 people (or 4 because of the party) are in there at the same time. The story totally ignores the other characters are there. I was like, is there really a reason for those 8 people to travel together? I don't think so.

Also, not all the stories are good. Some are boring, some are good, some are awful (I'm looking at you Tressa). I think just two felt great, the others were just...there. Several times I questioned myself if the story of the game was just that, since I saw that we had some things unanswered. Some of the side quests were pretty weird too, it was hard to find them and some were like "oh you want me to beat the shit off this person? sure!" because the ability of Olberic was that lol so yeah weird solutions for some problems

The gameplay itself, I had mixed feelings. I like turn based RPGs, but I don't like random encounters. At some point, I was so tired of battling every time I needed just to go somewhere. I think I used an item or something that avoided the monsters, but I don't remember that well anymore, they don't come at the beginning of the game (or at least I didn't find a way to avoid them) The bosses were great, I remember finding them the right amount of difficulty, they were challenging and not that easy. Even if I couldn't beat them, I could grind to level up, and after playing TriStrat, I feel it works best just making the player come up with a good strategy? It feels more rewarding than making a battle so hard you need to level up 5 levels above the recommending level. But the battle system is great, I liked the classes, the abilities, and all.

I tried for 100% of this game and oh boy it was a mistake lol I finished all the eight stories and needed to go after the side quests I missed, so I used a guide to find them. And I was actually surprised to find out the true ending of the game was locked behind a side quest? lol And it felt so...out of nowhere. It was not just one side quest that needed to be done, and they didn't feel like it was important? Anyway, when I got to the Gate of Finis part I was like "I'm sure we can leave this place if needed, right?" Wrong lol I know the game let you know of this, but I had no idea how bad things were there. So if you regret it, there is no way you can leave to buy better equipment or grind more levels You have to fight a harder version of all the bosses you already fought, and it was fun for me (I like boss rushes too). And finally things were connecting! But not what I was expecting to connect, so It was at least surprising. Anyway, each battle took a long time to finish, like 30 minutes for each fight, and that felt kinda bad because I was already tired of this game lol and you couldn't save between battles or anything, so that sucks. You can't close the game, so you must play that part for hours and hours (at least I played the Switch version and you can turn off without closing the game, but still sucks if you want to play something else)

But Galdera was the worst ✨it was so ridiculous hard, it never ended, I was so tired...when I thought I had won the battle (after like 4 hours of trying) they go "oh actually that was phase 1!! Now we're going to phase 2 :)" I had to look it up how to defeat this bitch, but even the guides said "you know maybe this is not worth it". Since I couldn't buy stuff for the characters no more, It felt so frustrating!! I was really close to the true ending but Squre Enix said haha nope it's going to be so hard for nothing yay I know people can beat those bosses in less time, but that would require me to go and grind more and at that part I was just so tired So these were the stuff that didn't work out for me. It's not the worst RPG I played, but sure it's not even close to what I felt like playing TriStrat. When the story of Octopath failed me, Triangle Strategy did excellently; when the battle system tired me on Octopath, in Triangle actually felt great! I don't want to compare more the two since they are pretty different lol

Now, I know Octopath Traveler 2 is a thing. I might give it a chance if they manage to fix the mistakes from the first one, but right now I feel well-fed with Triangle Strategy c:

[tera-91]

A rant that took 3 days to reach clarity

Kind of a quick rant but I haven’t been able to write much.

Or rather I have been feeling a little bit restricted in a way. Some of it was within my control and others not. Part of why I haven’t been able to write is time and having to go to work. I had a good idea the other day for a Roman story. I was able to get maybe 200 words written before I hit a hard stop because I had to go to work.

The other part is one of my furballs was, and is still, having a medical issue. Unfortunately, its one of those wait and see kind of things because they don’t know what they can do, or rather what is the best way to treat it until results come in. So part of me didn’t want to miss a symptom by being distracted and writing. But also I really needed a distraction so writing probably would’ve been the best thing for me to do. At least as it is somewhat of a distraction that calms my nerves without said furball being out of my sight.

Just feeling a little bit of a, the word is escaping me. Not quite like a let down but basically I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything that I had set out to do the last several days. I have a bad habit of writing a list that is wayyy to long for the amount of time I have. But also I have a bad sense of how much time something should take me to do. Like if I think I can get a task done in an hour. Yea its more like 2 or 3 hours. So one would think that I should just take how much time it should take me and triple it. Unfortunately that doesn’t work well either as other things, like the ones that I put off the most because I think its going to take way too much time. Don’t take that much at all in the end.

I also have a strange since of accomplishment. For instance, I could get 100% of a thing that took me 3 hours to do done. I would feel like I didn’t get much done. But if I got even just a little bit of multiple things done in that same 3 hours I would feel like I got more done in that amount of time even if I didn’t finish a single one.

Frustratingly, no matter how much I try to listen to my own advise about doing what you can when you can its like I have a mental block. Do I have a hard stop? I don’t even want to start it. I think part of it is because I know that if I get into the zone of something time just goes by so quick that I’m afraid that Ill miss is or be late. Sometimes I can do it, like this post has taken at least 3 days from start to finish. One day I had to work and the first day was an overwhelming day trying to figure out how to help my pup.

The next few days are going to be whirlwind as well as one pup is having surgery. Even though the decision to go ahead with the surgery instead of waiting for another handful of months was a little sudden at least I am off of work so that way I can make sure there is as little discomfort as possible.

Aside from that I think I’m just a bit distracted as well. Or rather my brain is preoccupied with trying to make a decision instead of coming up with ideas. Ive been contemplating quitting my job. Well, quitting it sooner than I was thinking.

I don’t mind the work itself its just the way the manager handles things. I asked prior to this manager making the schedule if I could have shorter shifts so that way I can take care of my pup once the surgery happens as the recovery will influence mobility quality later. I said that I was willing to work more days a week just for not as long and I was brought on with the knowledge that I couldn’t close. The first schedule that came out, only one short shift and it was closing. Luckily I was able to trade and I wont close but its not exactly a short shift either. The second schedule came out and it was basically the schedule that I had already been working. Not a single short shift. There is a coworker that is the same “status” as I am and this manager has accommodated their request for short shifts, unlike me they can close. We are like opposites this coworker prefers to close and I prefer to open and dislike it when it’s the other way around. Sometimes I just dread the thought of going in to work.

Financially I would be able to afford not working there for a little while. I just wont be able to not completely have an income until I am finished getting the training for the better job I want. I have an idea of how I can “survive” in this time period but its just going to be a challenge. It wouldn’t be stable anyway.

Despite those things though. I feel like things are getting a little better at least from when I started writing this. Luckily I had some time off of work that I could somewhat handle what was going on with my one pup. The limited exposure this week has really given me a bit of space to think about things. I know I need to quit for certain now. Its just a matter of when to quit. When to forge ahead with my plans, and how to build a bridge to get there. The bridge doesn’t have to be perfect, it can be missing some planks as long as I can hop over the gaps. A few more days and hopefully ill know more with my pups. Ill do my best to get my time management a little better and do my best to be more productive.

I might be able to get over this mental block I have about posting short things. Maybe do quick blurbs that are 2-500 words, perhaps those can eventually become starting points to spark ideas for longer stories. I started the year almost 5 months ago feeling like it was spring. The other day I felt like fall. The wonderful season of fall. I love my spooky season it is where I feel most comfortable. If I could I would move to somewhere that was perpetually fall. While summer is just getting started I cant wait for the temperatures to become that lovely high 6os to low 7os with a touch of chill to it.

I am ready to take a deep dive into the fall aesthetic and enjoy my time in the feeling.

[ahzek]

What the hell is going on with The Iron Kingdom by Nick Kyme?

I know that 40k novels often struggle with consistency, but the sheer illogical happenings in this book are driving me crazy, so I decided to write some of this down before my head explodes.

Spoilers below this point. Also a lot of ranting.

1) How in hell did the most undiplomatic idiot get command of the battle group sent on a diplomatic mission??

- they want resupply from this world

- they want to establish a supply hub

- and all they bring in return is the dead heir to the local monarchy

- to a Knight world, which are notorious for their focus on their own sovereignty.

How the fuck do you get the idea "You know what? This is gonna go swimmingly, I'll just send some ships ahead so they can start collecting resources a few days early."

Getting there took 5 *years*, why would you care about a few days and antagonise the local governess before even establishing communications?

2) Who made this unstable, impulsive despot queen of this world??

Imperial tithe collectors trample a few fields and antagonise the locals? - doesn't do anything.

Fleet master establishes communication? - Just exchange half a dozen sentences, just hinting at all the problems, but not really talking anything through.

Find that your dead daughters skin has just *slightly stretched* after being dead for over 5 years despite statis field? - Immediately lose it and give orders to assassinate an ambassadorial delegation of several dozen imperials (itself pretty much a declaration of war) including a General, a Silent Sister and a damn Custodes??? A literal companion of the emperor, mythical being and all that?

(And her brother, who fought along these people for years, is just ok with this besides some slight protests?)

3) Speaking of the Custodes, why does such an interesting character established in a previous book (part of the diplomatic corps of Custodes, but not really that good at it, but working on it) who fits this situation perfectly, get nothing more that one scene where he is reading a bit and another where he just dies instantly to some Knights?

Where is the awe-inspriring influence of these legendary warriors on normal humans?

Where is his diplomatic skill and authority, why does he just let the undiplomaitic idiots fuck everything up?

What did Andy do to Nick, that he just slaughters his characters such as Vychellan just like that?

4) What kind of idiot selected this Kingsward, protector of the queen?

He finally finds the renegade he has been hunting for *years* by walking into a trap and turning it around, defeats him and then just... leaves? Because he got word of the war the Queen started?

He's right there, just finish this guy, you need at least an hour to get back to the Palace anyway, what does it matter? But no, gotta let him live, to he can get back later and cause problems, I guess. At least give him a miraculous escape, not "enemy turned around at the last moment, because he's an idiot."

5) Then we have some usual inconsistencies turned up the maximum with the primarchs equerry Messinius not just being completely aware of the situation just days into the conflict, but *actually there*?? During a time of exceptionally difficult warp travel??? How the hell do you justify that? Did he secretly sell his soul to the dark gods, or something?

There's more with the Iron Veil being unrealistic and the strength of the Kamidarian atomic weapons not making sense, but maybe that's just the physicist in me being pedantic (and fairly common in 40k, so whatever).

But sentences like "The Imperiums ressources are not inexhaustible" just hurt when reading because, yes, for a single world like yours they pretty much are and you should know that...

That's it, ranting over (for now).

Haven't finished the boom yet and seriously thinking about not finishing it at all, which would be a first for me.

Really enjoyed the Dawn of Fore series so far (although Wolftime was a bit weary), but this book has me pulling out hair..

[talltoontales]

ToonMan #2: Delusions of Dust

--------------------

[Story 06 || Week 03]

Written: 01/14/2024

Prompt: You have a superpower to manipulate dust.

Prompt By: u/Sany_Wave (Reddit)

--------------------

(Heads up: A bit of a read)

I remember the day I met him. It was just another day on the job. Stopped some two-bit crooks, got chased by the ole A.I.D. task force, had a hotdog. Like I said, it was just another day of the week. Then I got the call...

The Pannel City Police Department surrounds the city hall. A massive crowd of civilians are held back by border tape and street cops. A bear of a man and a lanky woman, both well dressed, part through the crowd, their police badges like a hot knife through butter. On the other side of the border, the two are immediately met by a rugged older man wearing a bulletproof vest.

"Captain Kreg, Name's Jacobs," says the woman, "this is my partner, Wilhelm."

"Agent Wilhelm," Wilhelm corrects. Jacobs slaps him on the chest. The two exchange a quick glare. "We're from the- "

"Yeah, we know about A.I.D.," said Kreg, "figured your not-so-secret task force could give us a hand." The trio walks deeper into the chaos. Police officers, detectives, tech guys, all running around from one tent to the next, trying to figure out the situation. "About an hour ago, a man by the name of Piantog "Penn" Mitpen took the entire building hostage. The guy used to be a paper jockey for the old regime until he got fired for "inappropriate workplace behavior."

"Fancy way of saying whistleblowing," Jacobs chimes in.

"Hey, I just say what's on the report," says Kreg. "Anyway, those lucky enough to get out heard him ranting about how he'll "never be looked down on again," as well as some choice words about our former mayor."

"How does this involve A.I.D.," Wilhelm asks.

"Some witnesses claimed that Penn had a cloud of dust following him," Kreg answers. "I didn't put too much stock into it until a couple of guards came flying out the windows- "

"Let me guess," Jacobs says, "covered in dust?" Kreg nods in agreement. Jacobs turns to talk to Wilhelm. "So, what's the play?" Wilhelm removes his coat, revealing a harness holstering a futuristic gun.

"Description's too broad," says Wilhelm, "even set to a wide spectrum, the best our weapons can do is stun him if even that. Our best course of action is to mitigate tension until backup arrives. Let's push the perimeter back, as well as those news copters, and get an ETA on a negotiator. Maybe- "

"Look!" yells a random civilian. Everyone looks to the sky to see the Black and White hero, ToonMan, leaping overhead, his cape/jacket fluttering in the wind. He stretches his arm out, wrapping it around the tail of a passing news helicopter, and swings over the crowd and police. ToonMan lets go of the helicopter, aiming for the roof of city hall, but mistimed...everything.

"Oh boy," says ToonMan as he rockets through a second-story window. The crowd gasps as a wave of silence follows. A paper-white thumbs-up pops into the window frame. "I'm a-ok! Be back with the baddie in a minute." Once the stun of ToonMan's stupidity wears off, Wilhelm grabs the nearest radio he can find.

"This is Agent Wilhelm of the Augmented Individual Detainment Task Force," yells Wilhelm, "If you are not evacuating civilians, you are prepping to raid the city hall on my mark! We breach in five!"

----------

I was an idiot. It was all still a game to me then. I'd drop in, do some stupid bit, or say a dumb one-liner, beat the bad guy, and save the day. If I was a REAL hero, if...if I knew then what I know now, maybe...maybe...

In a large conference area, Rebecca Ward, Mayor of Pannel City, sits on the floor with her back up straight and her face held high. With several of her staff cowering behind her, she shows no fear nor panic as she stares down Mitpen. The five-foot man paces in front of the mayor, dressed in a slightly oversized beige suit, dirty blonde hair slicked back, and a cloud of grey dust wrapped around his shoulders like a boa.

"You know Rebecca, I always liked you," says Penn. Rebecca Reels back in disgust. "Oh please, as if I would settle for such an underachiever, but back to my point. You always had a way of getting what you wanted out of that old crone. If the rumors were to be believed, you only got as high as you did due to some- " Penn leans close to Rebecca's face. " - backdoor dealings."

Without missing a beat, Rebecca slaps Penn. Without moving, Penn's dust cloud envelops Rebecca's face, suffocating her. "Heh, but like always, I knew better. Rebecca drops to the floor as she struggles to breathe. Some of the staff behind her motion forward, but a large dusk cloud ring surrounds them, prompting them to sit back down. "I saw your potential. I saw how hard you fought just to be in the same room as all those other airheads! I thought, under my wing, you had the potential to be my right hand."

"And then you threw it all away, ratted me out, and ruined your chance to witness true greatness!" Rebecca starts to pass out. "Oh no, you don't!" With a flick of his fingers, Penn pulls the dust cloud from Rebecca and back around his shoulders. "You never took the easy way out before. Why start now?" Rebecca coughs up what dust remains in her lungs, hearing the faint sound of something shattering.

"You're nothing more than *cough* *cough* a delusional maniac!" Rebecca yells. "Your "blackmail" was nothing more than a conspiracy theory!"

"Not theory, fact!" says Penn. "You all feared my genius! Feared that when I took office, you ants would lose what little crumbs you had! That mailroom was my jail, and you were all my wardens!"

"I didn't even know you existed until you followed me into the women's bathroom," says Rebecca. Some of the staff groan quietly in disgust. "And started shoving documents in my face! You got yourself fired, and the only reason I didn't sue your ass is because I wanted nothing to do with you!" Penn straightens his oversized suit coat as he looks down in disappointment.

"hmph, then I guess I was wrong," says Penn, "I really thought you had what it took, but if you're not ready and willing to finish off your enemies the first chance you get..." A large wave of dusk towers over Penn, casting a shadow over Rebecca and her staff. "Then you're nothing more than dust under my boot."

*Knock* *Knock*

Everyone turns to look at the door. "Ah, the negotiator, perfect timing! I'm ready to announce my terms for your complete surrender."

"Sorry dude, just a Goober driver," says the chill delivery man, "got a special order for a Mr. Duck?" Rebecca and her staff stare in confusion.

"A last meal, how fitting for the deposition of a tyrant," says Penn, "by all means, come in!"

"Again, sorry, dude," says the delivery driver, "special orders come with special instructions. *Ahem* What did the five fingers say to the face?" Rebecca's eyes widened in realization.

"Excuse- " Suddenly, a fist slams through the doors at high speed, punching Penn square in the face and launching him backward.

"Get down!" yells Rebecca as she and her staff crouch, letting Penn fly overhead and crash into some chairs. ToonMan saunters into the conference room.

"Bon appetite, ya jerk!" says TooMan. Everyone cheers as they race out of the room. Rebecca trails behind.

"Go easy on him," says Rebecca, "He's not evil, just crazy."

"He'd have to be if he's trying to hold the mayor hostage while ToonMan's in town," says ToonMan. "Don't worry, Boss, I got this." As ToonMan walks toward Penn, Rebecca reluctantly joins her staff in escaping.

-----

Just before ToonMan could get close to Penn, a tornado of dust surrounded him, only allowing the hero to watch as Penn picked himself up.

“I’ll forgive you this one time, seeing as you might be unfamiliar with me, creature,” says Penn.

“Well, I hope you’re in a forgiving mood,” says ToonMan, “because there’s a lot more where that came from.”

“I doubt it,” says Penn, “You see, once I kill you, no one will stop me from taking what’s mine!”

“You know being mayor isn’t all ribbon cuttings and parades, right?” asks ToonMan. “I mean, more power to ya, shoot for the stars, but I’m pretty sure padded cells have more cushion than some of these chairs.”

“Oh, I agree,” says Penn as he starts circling ToonMan from the other side of the dust tornado. “My greatness cannot be limited to this pitiful excuse for a metropolis. The world will know who I am and learn to fear the mighty Sandzar!” ToonMan struggles to stifle his laughter.

“Man, you really just picked the first thing that came to your head, huh?” says ToonMan. “I mean, nothing screams, “Original OC, Don’t Steal,” more than looking up synonyms and mashing two together into something that sounds cool.” A vein swells on Penn’s forehead. “Might as well call yourself Dust Might.”

“Enjoy your final breaths, abomination!” yells Penn. “For what remains of your corpse will lay the foundation for my new empire!” The dust collapses in on top of ToonMan as Penn laughs maniacally.

“Soooo, is something supposed to happen or..?” asks ToonMan. Penn looks at ToonMan, stunned.

“Impossible!” yells Penn, “How are you still breathing?!”

“I mean, I’m not,” says ToonMan, “or at least I don’t have to. Breathing, eating, sleeping, they’re all kinda optional for me.” Penn goes from stunned to flabbergasted. “Wait, was that it? That’s your whole deal? Bad fashion and breathing problems?

“Shut up!” yells Penn, “I will not be belittled by blundering black and white buffoon.”

“Aww, you illiterate when you’re annoyed,” says ToonMan, “bet that makes ya feel real smart, huh, Dust Might?” Penn screams as he pulls the dust away from ToonMan into multiple clouds. The clouds then transform into spear-like objects.

“Let’s see how well you joke while full of holes!” yells Penn. The dust spears fly at ToonMan, scattering on contact.

“Wow, I felt absolutely nothing,” says ToonMan. Drool streams down Penn’s face as he bares his teeth at ToonMan while breathing heavily. “And I know I say that a lot for exaggeration while getting shot at, but I mean, literally, did not feel a thing.” With a skin-peeling shriek, Penn pulls all the dust around him onto his fist, forming a solid spiked gauntlet. Penn charges at ToonMan, punching him square in the chest to the sound of every bone in his hand and wrist breaking at once.

Penn drops to his knees, with nothing left but a pitiful squeak as he holds his limp hand. “Holy craft. That’s it, that’s all you can do isn’t it? Control dust. Not enhance it, not transform into it, not even *Stammering in disbelief* I dunno if there’s anything else you can do with dust, but if there is, you can’t do it! You only got here on intimidation and blinding amounts of self-confidence. I feel like that’s a better superpower than dust manipulation if I’m being honest.

ToonMan runs his hand across the top of his head when he hears the Police kick in the front doors. Look,” ToonMan continues, “normally I do this bit where the police try to catch me, and I use you as a distraction to escape, but I’m pretty sure your ego’s more shattered than your hand right now.” ToonMan launches his hand upward, opening a skylight. “So, I’m just gonna…best of luck to ya, Dust Might.”

And that was that. A.I.D. found Penn and had him sent to their secret prison after a speedy trial. Security footage was leaked showing Mayor Ward’s bravery in the face of danger, which helped her re-election campaign. The leak also forever branded Piantog "Penn" Mitpen as the Delusional Dust Might. He didn’t take that well. We all laughed at him for so long that we never noticed how dangerous he was becoming, nor how powerful. By the time any of us realized it was too late, I couldn’t stop Penn, and now none of us are safe.

{<-Last Week || Next Week->}

<-Last ToonMan Adventure

Next ToonMan Adventure->

[slickshoesareyoucrazy]

What I Learned About Work vs. What I Was Told

This isn’t a post about things I normally write about. But it’s been on my mind a lot today, so I guess I’m gonna rant about it here.

My mom worked literally my whole life until cancer forced her into retirement. She went back to work before I was 2 weeks old. I’m talking she worked 60+ hour weeks (often 80-100 hour weeks). Sometimes all that overtime was out of financial need (sort of), but most of the time it was just because my mom thought work was the most important part of her life. She made it clear that work was definitely more important than me, than my little brother, than my dad. My mom doesn’t have any friends in her life that she isn’t related to, really, and the only non-family members she speaks to even on Facebook are people she used to work with. When I was a teenager, I went to school and then took care of my brother alone when I got home until 7-9 pm while my mom worked (she started work before 7 am; my dad worked 2nd shift, so he parented my infant-preschool aged brother until I got home from school at 3:15 and he worked 3:30-midnight every day). I had explicit instructions to NEVER call her at work. When I graduated college and got my first job, I still lived at home for about 6 months, and during that 6 months, my mom told me I wasn’t supposed to have a social life ‘on work nights.’ No dates. No gatherings with friends. Not even any late phone calls. We got in one fight about it once when I was leaving to go out friends (after working all day and STILL coming home to help my elementary school brother manage homework and make him dinner), and she told me, ‘You shouldn’t go out; you have to work tomorrow.’ I told her what I’d learned about work from watching her work 60-100 hour weeks, sacrificing her family and friendship relationships, for 4 companies (yes 4) that went out of business without giving her severance. “Mom, when I am old and remembering my life, I’ll remember playing cards with my friends fondly. I’ll never wistfully think about all the great times I had at work. If I am in a rough patch and I need support, my friends will cheer me up and show up for me. Work does not care about me.” She didn’t argue with me then, but it was still apparent she disagreed with me. She complained about me asking her to take the day of my wedding rehearsal dinner off work (she took a half day, and bitched about it a lot; my parents did not pay for a big, elaborate wedding and we never asked them to; she just wanted to work and felt like work ‘needed’ her more than her daughter on the day before she got married). She took a lot of digs at me for deciding to stay home to be a full time parent to my son; took a lot of digs at J, thinking he unilaterally dictated that decision somehow. 

Until she got cancer. And she saw just how much work didn’t give a shit about her. She knew the owners of the company she worked for…honestly thought they cared about her I guess because they signed her paychecks and weren’t openly hostile to her when she spoke to them in the hallways. Sometimes one of the owners even had lunch with my mom. But did they buy her shirts to accommodate her port for chemo? Did they drive her to appointments? Did they make her dinners she could hold down? Did they visit her in the hospital? Nope. We did that.

I’ve just seen a lot of posts about ‘quiet quitting’ and work/life balance and advice to young people to take all your PTO and about unions and living wages. Anyone who works outside the home (which is most people; not everyone is as privileged as me to get to be a full time homemaker and parent; I know this)? Get everything you can from your employer…raises, PTO, benefits…never feel guilty about it. And let your employer take as little as they can from you…your time, your relationships, your emotional and physical health. And never feel guilty about that either. Your employer, unless it happens to be your literal best friend from childhood or your actual family, does not feel guilty about anything when it comes to you. They don’t care about you. It’s just work. It’s not your life.

[liyawritesss]

heyyyy could u make a part 2 for ‘hurts like hell’ :D izuku better apologize or im gonna swan dive off a roof

ᴀᴛ ᴍʏ ᴡᴏʀꜱᴛ

Pairing: Pro-Hero!Midoriya “Deku” Izuku x fem!black!reader

Genre: fic

Synopsis: izuku attempts to right his wrongs, but is it too late to change anything?

Warnings: angst, apologetic deku

A/N: if I'm honest a part 2 wasn't even thought of when I wrote this, but since you all wanted one, I made it pretty ambiguous and open ended because there are several routes that I feel an argument/breakup with deku could go. So yeah :) hope you enjoy. I admit it's not my best work tho, so be warned.

The bright pink cherry blossoms greatly contrasted the shame that Midoriya carried with him into the public park.

With his hood pulled over his head, anyone who walked passed wouldn’t be able to see the sullen face that the prohero sported. The memory of that one night playing in his head like a broken record. The words he spoke out of anger, now made his stomach churn and throat clench in regret. If he had saw the way he had left you, he’s sure he would have been throwing up, too.

After walking for a while, he slumped himself on a park bench. His head rested on the back of the wooden seat, his hood falling off slightly and his eyes staring up into the many branches of the tree above him. He looked defeated, and in a way, he was. Midoriya wasn’t sure if there was any way to rectify what he had done, and with no returned texts or calls, he was sure that he would loose the one thing that kept him sane.

Midoriya wasn’t sure how long he had been like that, blindly staring into the sky, but he knew it had to have been a couple of hours as he did notice the subtle change in the color of the sky from a light blue to a soft orange. He was grateful that there didn’t seem to be anyone on this train, and if there were any, they were wise to continue on and not disturb the green haired man in his sullen state. Though after a while, when the soft oranges turned into a deep red in the sky, a shadow slowly approached Midoriya’s body. He didn’t have to raise his head to know who it was.

“Mind if I sit beside you?”

Of course, it would be Todoroki Shouto - one of his best friends from highschool and an indirect victim of his misplaced rage. He shouldn’t have been mad at Todoroki, nor should he have been mad at you for hanging out with a friend you had every right to.

Todoroki didn’t wait for a reply; he took a seat next to Midoriya, and much like in his youth, he was hard to read. He couldn’t tell if Todoroki was here to berate his actions or comfort his aching heart. If it were his choice, Midoriya would have chosen the former.

After a moment of silence, Todoroki began to speak, and while he spoke, Midoriya listened.

And the next thing he knew, he was in front of your apartment, facing you. Before you could close the door, still not ready to face the aftermath of your week-old argument and unofficial breakup, Midoriya let the words spill from his lips. Apologizing profusely, citing the fruit of his jealousy being his own insecurities, and admitting to jumping to conclusions due to them. Though one line from his rant stuck out to you the most:

“You’ve been there for me at my worst. You’ve seen all my flaws and still chose to love someone like me. I know I can’t ask for your forgiveness, and you have no obligation to; I just hope I’m not too late in trying to reverse the damage I’ve done.”

And with his teary eyes and sleeved heart, Midoriya left the decision of your relationship to you.

If you enjoyed, please leave a like, comment, and reblog for others to see! And don’t be shy to send in a request!!!

[a-gal-with-taste]

(ALT. Timer) Pt. 3

Previously on ALT. Timer: I, II

Silco X GN!Reader (Soulmate AU)

Warnings: Unorthodox medical practices, welcome to the party, Singed, medical restraints, mentioned eye-trauma/Silco's eye-needle, blood, angst, couples-first-fight, Silco begins to discover his talent for monologuing for 2 hours straight, hurt/comfort, slight possessiveness and they ALMOST kiss. Not yet, but ALMOST.

Death... is such a chore, for the body and the mind.

One would imagine the act of expiring, of cessation, would be freeing but for someone who has brushed with it countless times, and already done it once, he finds his second experience with death wholly uncomfortable.

For one, the biting steel around his limbs, torso and head feel like suffocation. They don't even need to be wrapped tight around him, for him to immediately want to start thrashing and clawing for them off, off, off...

"I believe he is beginning to awaken momentarily. If you still feel you have the... constitution, it would be wise for you to grab the-"

"Got it, I got it...!"

Death was also loud. The first time he had died, the water had at least done it's job by muting the screaming and thrashing, though his brain had helpfully supplied recreations of the audio during his worse nights.

There's a bang. A clatter, a shaky, choked swear and then light-

Death was dark, last time he was here. This time, there are several changes to join with the brightness of his second killing.

Your presence, standing over him with a brand-new steel, needled-contraption you have in a white-knuckled grip, is one of them.

-

You've never flinched away from the black-and-red that swirled with the seafoam at your wrist. As soon as the doctor removes the patch, and you see those scars, along with the unnatural dark gaze that seems to lock on you, you almost drop the plunger.

"Hm. If you fear you lack the courage-" "Shut up, just..." You took a breath with brows furrowed and eyes clenched, flinching from the icy-hand that brushed your hip as he reached for the contraption. Nails bit into the cold, sterile metal as you forced a handle of breathes through your nose.

In, out, in, and out...

"... I have... appreciated all your help, doctor. But please," You swallow, feeling the rough pull of your dry throat as you turn your gaze to the ceiling, blowing out air between the 'o' of your mouth as you forced your hands not to shake.  "... please, just... back away from me so I can focus, okay?"

"Heh... doctor," The older gentleman gave a small chuckle at the title, though, like always, emotion just didn't quite seem to reach his eye as he hummed, turning on a heel to stride back to his desk and leave you to it. "Incorrect again, I'm afraid. I'm merely a man who enjoys such... unusual crafts, the process and conclusion alike." You let out another short breath, closing your eyes for a minute to calm yourself.

You hadn't bloody-well cared who this madman was, nor his motivations for agreeing to help. Some part of you, that wasn't utterly terrified, fuming and worried out of your mind, probably was more than slightly concerned at who your companion had been these last day and a half.

But he'd helped him, your soulmate. And even though you weren't still sure where you and Silco stood ("Together?" "Together.") you knew very well that you owed this scientist the debt of your life for his assistance with saving Silco.

And you also knew that you owed Silco the worst screaming, berating rant of his very existance for his... his idiocy.

But not now. You couldn't, not as his normal eye remained fixated but glazed on you in a seemingly never-ending fever. Practically bolted down onto a dented, concerningly stained-with-the-unknowable table, and - needing to take another cooling breath before you could gag - the leather bit between his teeth.

Plots and promises to verbally tear him apart for putting you through this situation aside, you step ever closer to the surface he's strapped to, bending slightly to get close to his face. Hesitating, for while hands have brushed and gripped onto one another during the nights, physical contact has still been a rarity. You pray a part of you isn't crossing some forbidden, unforgivable line as you raise your freehand to gently cup his unmarred cheek.

His heaving chest stills, eye darting as it is taking you in while you swallow, thickly.

"I am so... so pissed at you," You croaked out to him. "Don't you think for a moment you're off the hook." A pause, then you squeeze his cheek with the smallest amount of pressure possible, an attempt at reassurance.

Silco still gives off a full-body shudder at the action, and forcing the churning of your gut to settle, you cup his cheek steady as you raise yourself up, whispering, "But I'm not doing this out of anger. If you trust me for nothing else, trust... trust I'm doing this for your own good, Silco. Because I want to help you."

In the sea of green and haze, confusion flickers as his dark lashes flutter in response to the thumb stroking a sharp cheekbone.

Grip going reflexive around the plunger, after hours upon hours of practice at the scientist's instruction, you take a final, steadying breath to steel your nerves. Firming the grip on his cheek, you solidify your muscles to rigidity as you raise the contraption, slowly lowering it over the lidless red and black eye.

You can't seem to force your own gaze away from his healthy eye as it widens at the gleam of the sharp point. It feels like looking away would be a disservice, an insult to him in such a low, low moment of vulnerability. And so you force your gaze to stay as, with a practiced flick of a thumb, you send the miniscule spike into his ruined pupil, to release the stream of toxic build-up in his eye.

The leather bit does it's job from keeping him from biting his own tongue out. It does next-to-nothing to stop the scream that echos, around you, through these underground halls and forgotten rooms, and forever engraved into your mind.

-

"I thought you were dead."

Your sentence hangs between the two of you, while  dangling your feet over the ledge. Chin propped onto your arms as you lean forward on the railing, staring down at the bustling, never-sleeping layers of the undercity, you see his own hanging-off appendages go to a halt at your words. You continue just as casually, "You were laying there... just lying right there on the floor, face-down, with blood around your face. Burning the moment I touched you, I was... I was terrified to look and see if my wrist had stopped. I thought I just walked in on you, dead."

Silco says nothing. You don't look at him, as you hum consiteringly, "You told me you knew guys who could help you." Another long stretch between you, one you refuse to fill so he can speak for himself, before finally he mutters quietly, "I do know some guys-"

"Great. Then why the fuck didn't you go to them, or ask me to help you get there, if you were beginning to black-out?"

"... I thought I would be fine-" "Before or after you decided to run off with half my money?"

There's a dull thud that faintly vibrates, ricocheting through the railing you lean against. He leaves his forehead on the cool metal for a minute, silent just like he'd been even since the two of you finally escaped the secret laboratory of the eerily emotionless not-doctor.

"... Payment for silence is required. I would've returned with triple the amount-" "When?" You snap back shortly, finally turning to glare at him, your bared teeth hidden behind the crook of your arm and his head still ducked on the railing. "I wasn't stupid, Silco, you were carrying more than enough for a damn morning-stroll. You weren't planning on coming back, were you."

With his hair tied back to the base of his neck, you're able to see that cracked open seafoam-green slip, then squeeze shut, knuckles silently clenching on the metal he rests against. The chipped ends of his teeth bite down on his lower lip, and Silco is quiet for a long time.

Too long, for you, and you slip your legs back onto the empty communal walkway and reach to pull yourself back onto your feet. "Fine, whatever. Run off, do whatever you want, I don't care..."

"Where are you going?"

"My home, because apparently you've got people to see, places to be, and you don't want me involved with any of it-" You still as there's a soft grip on the leg of your pants, struggling not to tense in it's efforts to keep from clenching. "Don't go." The hoarse order pauses, and then, quieter but twice as carefully-emotionless, "Please."

The please nearly makes you pause, but you still brace your hand on the top-rail, beginning to stand. "Hit me up when you're feeling better, we could share a drink or something, laugh at this whole mess-" "Don't leave me, not now." The faintest, blink-and-you'll-miss-it voice-crack does make you pause. You still don't turn to him, only asking the one, obvious question on your mind:

"Why?"

It's a question with a million potential responses. And he chooses the one that makes you freeze.

"Because he will kill me if he sees me again. Vander, my..." A beat. "My brother. He did this to me."

You find yourself silently returning to sitting beside him. As if realizing his own strength, he loosens his death grip on your pants, slowly removing his hand and returning it to his side once it's clear you have no intention of leaving. He must find it easier to stare down at the flashing color of your eyes on his wrist, rather than your own, stunned, actual gaze fixated on him.

"...the day we met, I was fleeing from him. You," A small, joyless laugh as he reached up, tracing the thinner, more professionally-applied gauze on the right side of his face. "You missed the entire affair by minutes, potentially seconds."

"Betrayal leaves many scars. I once thought it was all methophorical, emotional or something as fleeting as that." A pause, than a small, drawn-out chuckle as blunt nails quietly scratch at the gauze over his face. "Vander wanted to drive the point home though, it seemed. And so I was left with physical." Quiet; you ask what feels like years later, why Vander did it, and another subdued laugh drags from his hoarse voice.

"I can't even remember. Isn't that funny? I wonder if he even remembers why we even..." Silence, if not for the echoes of the Underground, as a familiar background to your world. "... Maybe it never mattered at all. The endpoint would be the same, no matter what came before... he betrayed me. Perhaps there is nothing more important than that fact, not even the cause of his betrayal."

"I'm sorry." It's weak, it doesn't help, but Silco only gives a far-away nod, thumb stroking over the numbers silently flashing on his wrist, in perfect rhythm with your own. "... what do you want to do now?"

Fingers curling back into his palm, Silco sighs as he pulled his wrist back to his chest, turning a half-gaze out over the walkway. You watch him as the thoughts swirl and gleam in that seafoam you know so well, and yet know nothing at all. Before you slowly turn to look over the city yourself.

"... I have a vision. Some may call it foolish, others doomed. I imagine many would..." A pause, and you hear the faintest huff of laughter. "...some would consiter it selfish. But I have a vision, of a Undercity strong. An Undercity united, able to stand on it's own legs, and face the world that has ignored them all it's life." You feel like you need to drag your gaze from the glows of the city he speaks of, in order to turn and stare at your soulmate.

The view is worth it. His chin is tilted up, eye closed with the dream he sees behind his remaining-eyelid. Silco sees the vision in his mind, and is in awe, still, at it's clarity. "... Mothers, fathers, sons and daughters. All free, allied by the desire to see our nation grow... and we are powerful. Powerful in the way we surely must be, for why else would the Topsiders attempt to snuff us out every time we begin to spark?"

That eye cracks back open, and your breath catches. The intensity is almost inhuman... no, it's more human than you'd ever seen. "The Nation of Zaun," The young man breathes, like if he says it too loud, it'll blow away in the wind and be forevermore out of reach. "... it's a beautiful vision. But it is a bloody path, as all revolutions are. As all terrible, uphill climbs are to greatness, with the world's above you doing everything they can to throw you back down."

"...and you plan to take that path." "Always," Silco pauses, licking his lips as if hearing how raw, hoarse his voice actually is. "... It's a hard, hard climb I have, but I cannot sit by. I can be selfish in my dreams, yes, but not selfish enough to keep my hands clean in our fight. To keep in the light, to be a saint when I must fight for our future from the shadows-" It hits you then, and you state it outloud, "You didn't want to stay because you don't want me holding you back."

Silco turns to you again. And nods, quietly adding when you release a tiny breath, "I am not... selfless, with you. I don't think I could be, even if I wanted to." It's almost an apology, which almost makes you laugh, as you watch him raise his marked-wrist back up to caress your numbers there. "... I would come back to you. Once I have the plan, the numbers and the strength... I would come back for you."

The certainty of his tone makes your breath catch, but he doesn't look up. The young man seems intent on finding comfort in the familiar numbers adorning the skin on his wrist, and very nearly jumps when you reach out to cover it with your own two hands.

You pause, lick your lips, before whispering, "I don't... I don't want you to come back for me when it's all over." It's a rush to continue when you see something in his eye freeze at your insistence, "Silco, because I want to be there with you, every step of the way." Immediately, that eye latches onto yours, and it's searching. "... Do you know what you're saying?"

A nod, and before he goes to press further, you squeeze his wrist, his timer, in your hands. "I've suffered, in this city too. That's not a rare story, not down here, and I know there are plenty who have it far worse than I could imagine."

He's searching for hesitancy, for a pause in your eyes that'll prove your words to be false. You refuse to let your eyes waver, leaning closer to whisper quietly, "I'm no saint, either. None of us are, not down here, and if you honestly, truly think that the only way to get to that vision of yours is to do anything to achieve it... I want to be there with you to help see it happen."

Neither of you realize it. That you're noses are practically brushing, that your touch is warm on the mark on his skin, or that his breath is cooling rapidly in the slim space of air between you two. "... I don't... I don't think I can let you go, if you're sure about this." Silco muttered quietly, a final warning. Giving you a final out to walk away from him, and whatever the future may hold for you two. Be it in terms of the two of you together, the vision or everything and anything else.

You smile. "I want to be there," You assure him. "... and you need me to be there."

He doesn't deny it. Doesn't dare to even try, and slowly, hands turning to slip into yours, he begins to stand. Palm slid into palm, he raises you up onto your feet, the shared eye-contact never once wavering even with his half-gaze.

"... Okay." You quirk a brow at the lame response; a bit disappointing, consitering the elegant way he spoke his mind not minutes before, bit then again, it's been a long couple days for the two of you. "We have... a lot of work to do, I hope you realize? I expect you'll be able to keep up, or learn to keep in stride soon enough?" Resisting the urge to laugh, you retort in tandem with a small squeeze of your hands around his, parroting the words that had your heart racing not days before; you hope the effect will give him a mutual, or at least equal sensation:

"Together."

A beat. No... several, rhythmic beats, tying you together at the wrist, as you further tighten the notes of fate with your affirming words. Without hesitation, and after this point, without any hope of being able to turn back.

"Together."

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