#there's a comment the op made that explains this bit more if you're interested

[imperator-titus]

Ghost from the Past [Part 11]

Sorry for the long wait! (Is it long? Well, I've certainly updated quicker...) I had to focus on the end of my grad classes (and now have more... woo...) I also had to start really thinking about the next steps for the story.

I thought this bit was gonna have smut. Probably the next part will have a lot of spice.

A lot of my struggles came from modifying Gale's canon monogamous outlook without totally disregarding it and Astarion's character growth after the Yurgir fight. Clearly it has to be a little different since Eletha already confronted him about what he wants from her. Astarion in this part gets kind of a "+1 Emotional Intelligence."

I'm really enjoying this story, and I hope some of you are too! Please feel free to hit me up about it! I've been really enjoying some comments over on Ao3. Much love!

(Prev)[Part 10] (Next)[Part 12] [Master Post]

[For those unsure, yes, this is a made-up line the OP did, and honestly, it was perfect! Gale, you are about to be the star of the show.]

In the morning, Eletha was ready to go before anyone got up. She’d even started breakfast.

“You’re up bright and early,” Wyll remarked, one of the first to greet her.

“Early, at least,” Karlach said with a little laugh, indicating the permanent darkness that surrounded them. 

“I already have a plan of action for the next few days. We’ve wasted enough time waiting around for me to put my head on straight.” Eletha relinquished control of the cookware to Gale, who practically snatched the fork out of her hand.

“Are you sure you’re… okay?” Shadowheart asked hesitantly.

“Oh. No. No, I wouldn’t say I’m okay.” Seeing the looks they all gave her, Eletha chuckled. “I was never okay. Just… distracted. I can’t do anything about the whole… But I can do something about the problems that face us now.”

“Well said,” Gale said before turning back to their breakfast.

“Besides, I always feel better with a bloody blade in my hand.”

“I could not agree more.” Lae’zel’s eyes blazed with passion.

Before they headed out, Astarion approached Eletha.

“I know you said that I should stay behind with Gale and I normally wouldn't mind languishing around camp while you trudge waist-deep through curses and undead sludge, but-” 

Astarion stopped mid-speech as Eletha stopped digging through her bag and started rotating around, hand outstretched to the sky. Seemingly, she wasn't listening.

“Relapsing into madness again so quickly?”

“It's a sun glass. Can't be combusting in the middle of a fight,” she explained, tilting the piece of glass until she caught a glimmer of light. As she tucked it into her hip pouch she asked, “What did you want to tell me?”

“I wanted to come along. That's all. Wyll said it was fine if I took his place,” Astarion answered, throwing his words away as if it was no big deal.

“Okay.”

Astarion pouted a little. “You're not going to ask?”

“No.” Eletha stopped what she was doing and looked at him from the corner of her eye. He huffed and started walking away. She rolled her eyes and called after him, exasperated, “Why do you want to come so bad?”

“To look after you, of course,” he answered, practically sparkling. 

“Oh. You want praise.” He smacked her hand away when she tried to pat his cheek. She smiled. “Thank you. It's sweet of you to care.”

“I don't care and I'm not sweet. I have a personal interest in keeping you alive and not insane.”

“I get it. You're a magnificent bastard. So sorry, for implying you would be so weak as to look out for someone because you care.”

“That's right. I suppose all that brain damage hasn't made you stupid yet. Now that that’s settled.” Astarion turned and hesitated.

He ever so slightly wiggled his ass in her direction.

Eletha smirked. “Right. Best head out.”

As she passed him, she brought back her hand and smacked his backside so hard that he yelped and jumped a little.

“What is wrong with you, woman?!” he screeched, holding a hand to his stinging cheek.

“A lot.”

----

“This seem important to y’all?” Eletha asked, holding up the lute she just pulled off this weird doctor character.

“Are we gonna talk about how, in the past 4 hours, you've convinced someone to explode and another to let himself be brutally stabbed to death?” Karlach asked hesitantly, watching the mad nurses go back to their routines as if nothing happened.

“I dunno, I liked how that other one was full of gold,” Astarion remarked with a satisfied little smile.

“Why would he have a lute?” Eletha asked herself, ignoring Karlach’s question, looking over the instrument. She found some initialing carved into the neck. “That Art Cullagh guy seemed like the musical sort.”

“Well, he was insane. And he did seem to enjoy it…” Shadowheart said, regarding the gore with disgust.

“This place gives me the creeps,” Eletha said as she started to walk towards the back of the decrepit hospital.

“Because of the whole…” Karlach hesitantly made circles over her abdomen with a sympathetic pained face. Eletha’s eyebrows lowered in confusion.

“What? No. No, that probably happened in, like, the dirt, right? A pile of leaves?”

“You don't know?” Karlach asked, confused herself.

“Kinda blocked that bit out, yeah.” Eletha went through the doctor’s things, searching for anything interesting. Or valuable.

“I don't envy you. I've heard it ruins your vagina,” Shadowheart remarked flippantly as she cleaned her nails.

“That can't be true,” Karlach breathed in disbelief, her voice stressed.

“Oh, yeah, you can tear your arsehole like paper,” Eletha answered, tearing a piece of paper she found for effect.

“No! Don't tell me that!” Karlach cried in distress, closing her eyes and putting her hands over her ears.

“Is that why you're so shy? Worried it’ll be a disappointment for anyone but an ogre?” Astarion teased, indicating Eletha’s crotch with a cunty little wave of a finger. Eletha chuckled, smacking his hand like he was a child in need of a lesson.

“Not sure if I'm flattered or disgusted that you're thinking about my vagina.” Astarion’s lips curled into a mischievous smirk.

“I'm not the only one. Should I break the news to Gale that it's more like the Underdark than a cozy little cave?”

“Yeah, I got some glowing mushrooms in there and everything. Brightens the place up,” Eletha told him cheerily, mimicking decorating a home.

“Do you think a wizard can localize an enlarge spell?” Astarion asked after a comic hum.

“Aww, it's okay, I'm sure Gale’s more into technique than equipment.” Eletha patted his shoulder mockingly, a look of false sympathy in her eyes. Astarion laughed a little bark of a laugh.

“He'd be good for you. He could lend you a magic hand from the other side of his tower, no men involved,” he retorted cattily.

“He does know how to make a good steak.” 

“Oh darling, you wound me.” Astarion dramatically swooned and Eletha had to stop him from tripping over himself.

“That's what you’ll be saying when he's done with you.”

“Gods you two are weird,” Karlach breathed,shaking her head as she watched them.

Eletha let Karlach and Shadowheart take the lead as they walked through the crypt and the Sharran temple beyond.

“You look like you want to say something,” Eletha remarked, not turning her head to regard Astarion trailing beside her.

“Well…”

“You look nervous about it too.” She squints, eyeing him suspiciously. “Don't tell me you're actually thinking about my holes right now.”

“Maybe,” he retorted haughtily, bobbing his head in a mocking manner. After a defeated huff, he went on, “I feel like I should apologize. I never considered the possibility that I ruined you for all other men physically, not just emotionally.”

Eletha rolled her eyes so hard they threatened to get stuck that way. “Corellon save me.”

Astarion clicked his tongue, annoyed at her reaction. “Would it make you feel better if I said I have selfish reasons too? I've been thinking about that night after the goblin camp for quite a while.”

Eletha smirked and snorted, giving him a suggestive lift of her eyebrows. “Parched, are you?”

“Practically dying.”

“Gale not living up to his divine endorsement?”

“He is a good kisser…” Astarion clicked his tongue at her again. “Don't change the subject.”

Eletha wondered how she got in this conversation and how she was going to get out.

“No one has exactly complained, but that's not exactly a long list of possibilities and they probably had enough sense to not say anything.” She shrugged. “It used to just be uncomfortable, but as you know, I have quite the pain tolerance now.”

He emitted a soft “aww” and gave her sad eyes. She didn’t totally believe them, especially when his tone was a little too humorous. “You poor thing.” 

“Oh, look, a distraction!” she called out, pointing at a displacer beast skulking about.

Astarion sighed as he slipped his bow off his shoulder. “You’re no fun…”

----

“Did it go well?” Gale asked expectantly, following Eletha as she made for her tent.

“Bunch of cursed weirdos defeated, a clue to finding Thaniel, and a devil’s deal completed? Yes, a useful day,” she answered, laying down her weapons and stripping down to the clothes under her armor. 

“That is good to hear, but I was referring to, well, you.” He followed as she went towards where they'd set up a more “private” spot to bathe. It was nothing more than a bucket of cold water but it was better than nothing.

“You don't have to worry about me, Gale.”

“Perhaps, but I do.” He blushed and turned away as she started undressing, just like that night she showed them her curse. “If you desire, I can discuss this with you another time.”

“I’m not bothered. Are you bothered?”

“I… assumed you would be a bit more reserved, given… certain details.” Gale cleared his throat. “Anyway. You’ve been through a lot lately. I felt it prudent to check in.”

“Do I seem okay?”

“You seem like you’re burying your feelings. I should know, I’ve been doing that for a long time,” he said with a little self-deprecating chuckle.

Eletha touched his cheek and smiled softly. “You’re sweet, Bhin.”

“I was hoping for valiant or at least charming-” He stopped with a stammer as she got on her toes to place a kiss on his cheek. Her body brushed against his and a small gasp escaped his lips in surprise. “I… ahem… I will leave you to your ablutions.”

She watched him retreat with a coy little smirk on face before continuing with her “bath.” After washing the blood and dust out of her hair and off her face, she called out, “I know you’re there.”

“And you let me watch anyway?” Astarion asked as he stepped out of his hiding place.

“Nothing you haven’t seen before.”

“Mm, yes, but not that little display with Gale.”

“Jealous?”

“A little. Your approach is much more subtle than mine, and I think it might be more effective.”

“Don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“The way your soft touch caught him off-guard. His heart leapt, thinking your lips would meet in a kiss. Your naked body just so happens to brush against him? I’m sure he’s in his tent thinking about it right now. He’s asking himself, how can I convince her to see me as more than just a fool, worthy of more than just her sweet sympathies?” 

As he spoke, Astarion divested himself of his own armor and the clothes underneath it. It wasn’t the first time they’d washed the blood and road off in each other’s company. It was almost… comforting, that they could just be naked with no sexual context. 

However, knowing Astarion, he’d probably encourage it. 

“You’ve got quite the imagination.” 

“It’s true, though, isn’t it?” he suggested with a smirk, taking the sponge out of her hand. She merely gave him a quizzical squint. He regarded the object as if it was very interesting. “You know, you make fun of me, for not having plans. But I had a plan, once.

“You were right. I did want to make you desire me, protect me. Our previous relationship made that complicated, obviously. So I prodded the others, as a backup. Lae’zel and Shadowheart were too guarded, too difficult. Wyll, the gallant monster hunter, spent a long time debating if I was worthy of living. Karlach, well, we couldn’t touch her. And she’s so… sweet, when she’s not terrifying. She likes you enough that she’d take your lead.

“That left me with Gale. Handsome, powerful, doomed Gale. A tough nut to crack, until you get under the social awkwardness, emotional miscues, and over-inflated self-importance.”

“Well, you have a lot of experience with that,” Eletha remarked, unmoving as Astarion very carefully rinsed the sponge and wet it again with fresh water.

“The secret, as you have probably guessed, is how utterly desperate he is to be touched.” 

Astarion squeezed out the water from the sponge, watching as it dripped onto Eletha’s shoulder and ran down her chest, sometimes catching on a scar and running in another direction. 

A gasp escaped from her throat. 

“He hid behind that orb, but really, he was so desperate that it made him sick.

“I feel awful. He was supposed to be a sacrificial pawn and I feel awful. Those books… How he quivers under my touch…” 

Astarion began wiping away blood and sweat from her neck and shoulders. Eletha wasn’t quite sure why she allowed him to. It felt… nice.

“Today you went after that orthon like he wasn’t three times your size, like it didn’t matter how hard he hit you. You did it for me, just like I hoped, but feared you wouldn’t.”

His hand traveled down her chest, cleaning the shallow valley between her breasts. “Did you have a plan for this conversation or…?”

He stopped following his hand with his eyes and gazed deeply into hers. 

“When was the last time someone took care of you, my love?”

Eletha flushed and as she looked away, she took hold of his wrist and pushed it towards him. “Don't be ridiculous.”

“What's ridiculous about it? Gale wants us both. I want you both. And you want us. Why not a cheeky little three-sided thing?”

“You presume a lot.”

“My sweet, don't play so aloof. I've read your diaries.” With his other hand, he trailed his middle finger along one collarbone and then down her sternum. “You deny this part of yourself because you feel it's undeserved. Haven't you suffered enough?”

Eletha hesitantly let go of his wrist.

“Let me take care of you. Show you how much I appreciate you?” he purred, his hand taking hold of her waist, his lips approaching hers, their hips nearly touching. 

Sensing the proximity of the body that once so perfectly interlocked with hers, the long-forgotten part of her body awoke with a heat that was searing in comparison to the chill surrounding them. 

Eletha began to tremble. 

For a moment, Astarion’s eyes appeared golden as they gazed deeply into hers. 

“Please?”

Eletha opened her mouth to speak, but another voice was heard.

“Could you two move this somewhere else? I need to wash my hair,” Shadowheart complained, huffing and undoubtedly crossing her arms over her chest.

“Aww, Fringe, Lethi was going to finally get some…” Karlach complained quietly, although she could still be heard in the near-silence.

Eletha snatched the sponge out of Astarion’s hand and made a mad dash attempt at scrubbing the most important parts of her clean. When he stood there staring at her, she started cleaning him too, starting with his face so he couldn't argue. “Just a minute!”

Astarion glared at Shadowheart as he sauntered out behind a flustered Eletha. Karlach appeared apologetic.

From his position at the campfire, Gale appeared to be watching Eletha go into her tent, a worried look on his face. Then he saw Astarion, practically glowing in his underwear under what little light there was, and his expression changed to a glower.

“It's not what you think,” Astarion said as he passed him.

“Sure…” Gale grumbled, turning his attention back to the food he spent all day preparing.

----

Night fell, sort of, and Astarion stood in front of Gale’s tent.

“Can I speak with you?” he asked, trying to avoid any sarcasm and only using a little sass.

“I suppose,” Gale answered after a moment of silent consideration.

He was clearly upset, pouting as he flicked through a tome.

Astarion put his hands on his hips. “Look. We didn't do anything.”

“So you say.”

“Don't be like that. You were considering it too.”

“That is prepos-”

“You're not fooling me.” Astarion snatched the book away. Holding it more gingerly, he said deliberately, “I’m… sorry.”

“What are you doing right now?” Gale asked suspiciously.

“When I didn't know if Eletha was going to gut me or not, I… had a plan. You would fall in love with me and I would, well… have a powerful wizard in my corner. All I had to do was not fall for you. And I failed.”

Gale shook his head. “You have a funny way of showing it.”

“Because you’re blind.” Astarion sighed, the flow of his speech interrupted. “I see you with her. You can’t be jealous. Of course, it’s still not clear to me if you’re mad that I am flirting or that she is being flirted with. But what does it matter? We all like each other.”

“I thought this was an apology, not a call to a ménage à trois.”

“It is! Or, it's supposed to be. You know I'm not good at this.” Astarion offered the book back, only to move it out of reach at the last second. “Live a little, Gale. Expand your mind.”

Gale sighed wearily. “You've given me a lot to think about.”

Astarion’s lips curled in a self-satisfied little smile. “Hopefully something fun?”

Gale snatched his book back. Astarion huffed, although playfully, and left.

After a while, Gale left his tent and softly made his way towards Eletha’s.

“Are you awake?” he whispered, not wishing to disturb her.

“Come in,” she answered, making space for him in the small tent.

He could tell that she’d been drinking, but not as much as before, so that was good, right? Still, he felt the need to give her an out from the conversation. “We can discuss this some other time, if that would be more suitable.”

“I have the feeling you’re going to ask me something that will be easier to answer in my current state.” Eletha gestured for him to go on. “This is casual intoxication, not running away from my feelings intoxication.”

Gale would have to take her word for it. “Did anything happen between you? Today, I mean.”

“Are you asking because you’re concerned for me, or for personal interests?” She took a sip of her drink. 

“Can it not be both?” Eletha hummed. He had a fair point.

“He was coming onto me. Genuinely, this time, which was surprising.”

Gale swallowed around a lump in his throat. “Were you going to accept?” 

“I didn’t really have the time to fully consider it.” Eletha offered him her drink and, after a moment’s hesitation, he took it. “I was going to tell him off. Then he said something that made me reconsider.”

“He can be quite convincing,” Gale agreed sourly before taking a sip of her drink. It was just wine, not that hard stuff that seemed to magically appear in her hands.

“Well, he was right, which, if Astarion is right, you’ve kinda fucked up, yeah?” She grinned at him and he laughed, because she was right. 

“He was right. I’ve been running away from happiness ever since he left. Felt I didn’t deserve it. When I’d try again, I’d just get hurt, and I’d punish myself more. Sometimes it was just the wrong person, it doesn’t work. But sometimes… maybe it could have worked? If I didn’t get this knot in my stomach that says I’m worthless?

“I’ve tried being friends. I can do friendship. And I feel bad, that maybe I’m getting your hopes up, and not because I like teasing you, but because I hate myself. I’m punishing myself, by getting attached and ruining everything.

“So I considered it. I wanted to say no, because it would hurt you, because I didn’t deserve it. But… I wanted to say yes, so it would hurt you and you’d hate me and that was its own punishment. And just a little bit… I was happy with him, once upon a time. Maybe I could be happy again.”

Gale listened intently. Eletha had a habit of rambling, but she chose her words and tone carefully. With practice, he could untangle them to find the naked truth underneath. This time, it was… familiar.

“Do you think you could be happy again?” he asked her sincerely, meeting her two-toned gaze with his big brown eyes, so open and sad.

“After all we’ve been through?” She laughed a little and his heart sank. Then she smiled. “Yeah. I do.”

“Then I wish you the best of luck.”

Gale held out her wine bottle, intending it as a symbol of releasing her from the burden of worrying about his feelings. Eletha took the bottle, but with her other hand, took hold of his. 

“You deserve to be happy too.” Her words were so sweet. She was being so sincere and he just… had a hard time believing it was true. “If you want him, just tell him. And if he has to choose… I’m sure he’ll choose you.”

“I am not as sure as you. He loves you. You have-” Gale cut himself off before he could say something that might make her spiral again. Eletha appeared to understand what he was going to say, but she still seemed pleasant and level-headed. “Why would he choose me?”

“Because I’m old and boring. You’re young and exciting.” A mischievous smirk tugged at her lips. “And I’ll make him. He owes me for the rest of my life.”

Gale shook his head. “There is a wrinkle in your plan. You’d be alone.”

“My sweetling, I’ve been alone a long time. You have your whole life ahead of you” Gale opened his mouth to protest and the sharp dark gaze that instantly flashed in her eyes made him shut it again without her losing a beat “and my beloved Astarion is getting to start over. I can be alone a little longer. If you two are happy, then I will be happy.

“Besides. It’s not like we have done anything even close to what you two were doing. We haven’t even shared a kiss.”

Gale stared at their clasped hands. He thought about what Astarion said earlier.

“Would you like to?” he asked, squeezing her hand reflexively in his nervousness.

“I think that… I am just drunk enough to say yes, but not so drunk that I’ll be cursing myself in the morning.”

Eletha got to her knees and leaned forward, holding his face gently as she kept their other hands together. 

Gale let out a breath of excitement. 

Their eyes closed and their lips touched. 

The first kiss was hesitant, testing the unknown topography, finding the way to fit just right. A pleasurable heat rose to the surface of Eletha’s skin as she deepened the next kiss.

Gale’s heart fluttered while his stomach did flips. This felt so different from his interludes with Astarion. 

Those felt like a natural progression of a lanceboard game. They would have some heartfelt conversation that turned into an exchange of witty barbs and the only places to go from there were fighting or “fighting.”

That didn’t mean either was unpleasurable.

Actually. It was too pleasurable.

Eletha leaned back to catch her breath and make sure he was alright.

Luckily, this meant that she only got vomit on her chest and lap, not her face.

She was stunned as Gale pleaded for her forgiveness. “I’m so sorry, I don’t- I don’t understand-”

This time he managed to turn his head.

Rubbing his back soothingly, Eletha chuckled. “It’s okay. I know the feeling.”

If anyone noticed, they were kind enough to not talk about it the next morning. Eletha managed to clean herself up enough to help Gale back to his tent. There, she sat for a while, making sure he would recover.

“Words cannot express how foolish I feel,” Gale said weakly as she placed a cold damp towel on his forehead.

“It’s not the first time a wizard’s puked on me,” she answered, soothingly stroking his hair a few times before sitting back. It probably wouldn’t help to touch him too much right now.

“You must have a lot of interesting stories…”

“I promise to leave this one out of the ballad they’ll inevitably write about us.”

“It was enjoyable. Until the last bit.”

“I enjoyed it too,” Eletha said sweetly, a small smile on her lips.

A few minutes passed in silence. She was about to get up, assuming he’d fallen asleep, when Gale asked, “What was the first time?”

“So I was at this party in Suzail…”

[lutawolf]

Between Us Episode 3 Commentary and Review

Previous episode reviews can be found here.

We start the series with Team playing basketball. He misses. In the book, he is actually a very good basketball player.

Yup, you stink, Team. Bet we have Team second guessing if Win really meant they were in a relationship. Remember, the UWMA Team needs reassurances. Why? Well Win is perceived by many to be a fuck boy. Is anybody surprised? Bisexuals are often perceived this way. It will be interesting if that actually is being kept. Guess I'll have to continue watching to see.

This is what I mean by the dominant Team. He isn't really, but he does feel the need to puff up. He is concerned with being seen as weak.

Look at that pissy Win. I know a lot of people have made comments that they feel Win is different. Remember, you were only seeing snippets of Win with Team, whom he is soft with. Outside of Team, he is tough. These coconuts.

Too late! Win has already eaten him alive! The slow mo! Love it, but I love Win waiting on Team even more! Did that dead ass actually run. 🤣🤣🤣 Is there really a product placement for iqiyi! ☠️ Team, you are so brave when it isn't Win. These lovely bunch of coconuts.

New nickname is drama king, and I'm not talking about the actor. The nickname fits. Look at him freaking out, then raising his hand.

Oh, T-rex, you risk losing your head. Look at that stare from Win and also him going Dom Daddy. Telling his friend not to talk about his man like that again. 🤟 I mean, he used the guise of him being a member of the club, but that's for Team's sake. Dean is coming in with words of honesty and humor. T-rex, seriously, you are trying to dye. Poor Win, though.

Fucking coconuts 🥥 Pince don't ditch your education! Bee is gone 🤣🤣🤣 Is he even gonna wash his hand. Okay, Team, I'm pretty sure you know why Win is concerned about you and not Bee. He might not be your daddy, but he is your Daddy.

I am dead. The ABC gang is making fun of Team. Rightfully so cause he damn sure not as brave as he talked. Love how Win just bluntly asks Team if he was avoiding him. Guys! Win's sad face is killing me. I'm gutted. He doesn't want to wait for Team.

Staaaaap, don't hurt me like this. Okay, I can't judge alcohol therapy. I've been there and done that. Get ready to embarrass yourself. The coconut gang really wants to help Team. Poor Win.

Why did you have to call him out on calling him Hai. It's their version of Daddy. Don't ruin it for us! Hell to the fucking yeah! Flashback, baby! Yup! They making Win a perceived fuck boy.

These fucking drunk white crayons are singing the abc song. I'm so dead. You fuckers really went to attention and dropped your friend. Niiiice. You assholes left him with the person he was just talking about!!! You white crayons have better read the room and know the situation. Otherwise you deserve an ass kick.

There is no time like the present for a conversation. Oh, you lucky that finger didn't get bit. That's straight up disrespectful. Don't put a finger in my face unless you are ready to fight. Fuck! I love their openess. Win wants to know why he has to report. Win explains he worries. That's what Team wants to hear. That arm on the shoulder is a signal of a wall coming down. He is still guarded, but he is listening. Who is Win to Team to worry. Win wants to know what title would allow him to be protective over Team.

They were so close to kissing, but Team pulls back. It's alright cause Win is starting to put two and two together, and he knows Team is still interested in him.

Win putting the helmet on Team, so cute. Getting on a bike drunk, though, is a recipe for disaster. Kids, don't try this at home. Yeah, we were really lucky he didn't fall off with being this drunk. Go take a shower!?!? You want him to drown! You are a brat, Team.

Parasomnia is a bitch. It can be caused by sleep apnea. So imagine your body has fought sleep so long that it's just fucking wore out, right. Then exactly what you're afraid of happens, the nightmare, but your brain is past exhausted. It locks you into place so you can't wake up. It often does take someone else.

Sub trio! Swimming makes you so hungry. Team, don't tease your friend! Nah, it's cute. Continue!

Open house! Poor Team. This is gonna kill me. Poor tired, baby. Win buying his basket. He's so worried. Ha! Daddy, husband, wifey! Just call him special. Ha! He bought him healthy food too.

Dean, leave my baby alone. I can't handle it. ABC gang are pretty good friends. Come on, brat, you gotta talk. Ah, see, that step towards Team. He was going to cage, but Team talks before he has to.

Yessss!!!! Take him to your room. To sleep. Baby needs it. Move closer. We've done more than this. 🤣🤣🤣 That's it. He does puff up like a cat! The care, though! Team how can you not see it!

There you go. It's better not to wake them up but sooth instead. Help them to find comfort while sleeping. Which Team does. Instinctively seeking comfort. Aww, he completely wrapped himself around Win. Pay back!

He kicked him off the bed and called him a squid!! This fucking brat. Dead. Team lies. Here is this Dom that has put up with being ignored, run from, bad mouthed, and kicked, but the instant Team doesn't talk or lies he goes Dom. And goes straight to caging.

See that smile at Team gonna wear his shirt. Me too, Win, me too. Did Win really grab Team's pillow to cuddle and sleep with. Cuteness overload. 😍

How did you forget! 🤣🤣🤣 The love. Damn. That kiss was so damn cute. They are so damn cute.

Hope you guys enjoy! 💜💜💜

[parkminijiminie]

hi thank you for being open to discussion and not shutting it down immediately simply because it might go against what we all hoped to be real. i appreciate that a lot. i hope i'm allowed to add my two cents?

i think the video is real, i think it is jk and i think that the woman is someone he dated or at least hooked up with. i'm ignoring all the stories that come out with the videos and pictures simply because the chinese op is a butthurt fan and mad that jk is not behaving like they want to. so their stories could very well a try to make more out of what we're seeing. plus their stories are inconsistent.

so yes, i think it's him and this woman was possibly his girlfriend. i'm saying was because i think they broke up by now. i also think that jikook were more than friends for years. i even think they were a couple. up until april 2022 imho. why i think so? i don't think i need to explain why i think they were a couple. you're not giving your bestie a hickey, i'm sorry. you simply don't. but i think that after they returned from las vegas in april 2022, the last time we actually saw them sharing a car, things somehow changed. we didn't see them as much together in official content or in private as before, they barely talked about each other, jk didn't even know where jm's 7 tattoo was, or at least pretended to not know. in the following months jk got closer to th, jm was not seen at all (because he was working on his album) and even in the first few lives jk did in 2023 jm was barely mentioned by him. for example when he played vibe in his live he looked like he didn't really want to.

it took a while but something with jk changed after a while though. he talked about jm more and made it very clear that he wanted to see him, always inviting him over, watching jm's content, commenting on his live and so on. he clearly wanted jm to be a part of his life again which i think jm wasn't at that point. jm on the other hand was more hesitant. whenever he spoke about jk it was only to tell us that he didn't see him. no matter how much jk clearly wanted to. the whole dynamic between them seemed extremely weird. just a few years back jm happily talked about jk a lot and now he was avoiding the jk topic like it could burn him. i think the only time in these days i saw jm more relaxed when it came to jk was when he played euphoria over and over again on one of his lives. maybe he was a bit nostalgic and actually missing what he and jk had?

anyways something else changed recently. first jm coming to the airport with a big dog scratch on his arm, then jm actually flying out to ny to support jk, them clearly having a great time in ny and ct, jm suddenly posting about jk's number 1, the extremely flirty bed vlive with jm saying he can handle a naked jk, jk still mentioning jm a lot, jm posting that picture for jk's birthday, jm starting to like jk related things again, jm and jk very likely spending chuseok with each other in busan and jm even posting the doodle they both did together. this vibe is a complete different one now again. we'll have to see if it sticks or if it's just a short high. but it's interesting nonetheless.

all of the above just makes me think they were something but broke it off mid 2022. i don't understand why people say that they couldn't have broken up because they wouldn't have still interacted with each other. what people don't understand is interacting with each other is part of their job. and both jm and jk are professionals. so even if feelings were hurt or it was a bit awkward, they would still do their jobs. and imo we could very well see how they were pretty awkward with each other during the busan concert and the live afterwards. it seems like they didn't really know how to interact with each other. like jm being jealous because of the whole marry me jk and jk not knowing what to say? their behaviour definitely didn't scream couple. and it fits with the timeline of the video with jk and that woman. that apparently was taken on february 15th 2023. them going through a break up would explain so much of their behaviour towards each other. you don't go from being attached at the hip to barely talking to each other in the blink of an eye without something happening.

they're better now. maybe they're more comfortable now in their roles as just friends. maybe they're starting to reconcile. i don't know. but they're clearly more ok with having each other in their lives again. we'll see if the leaked stuff will somehow affect them. but yeah. long story short, i think jikook were a couple, broke up mid 2022, put distance between each other, maybe dated other people (saeon is highly suspicious) and started to get closer again towards mid 2023. my opinion. sorry for the long message. hehe.

Anon, your timeline makes perfect sense to me and actually, pretty much is the same as mine. I tried to remember when was the last time Jikook shared a car and I couldn't, so thank you for reminding me. It makes perfect sense that it was in the first half of 2022.

I think they broke up in 2022 as well, and are still that way or have recently reconciled. JK's message to JM for his bday in 2022 was a giveaway for it too. Eventhough they have seen each other so much in the previous days, preparing for the upcoming concert, he didn't share a picture of them or even of just Jimin. Instead he did tha hotel thirst video. Why was that? Why didn't he share anything more personal. Was it because it would be awkward to share old pics because they didn't have any recent ones? The bday vid was screaming awkward but also "look at me being hot bro" kind of like a reminder to an ex or a subtle "hey, do you still think about me like that?".

I'd assume JK wasn't in a relationship with someone else then because that video would be very rude to them, but maybe later in the year he started hooking-up/ dating someone, hence the growing distance nd the video. If that someone was one of Tae's friends or someone Tae introduced to JK, then maybe, just maybe this is why Tae and JM have been distant this whole year.

JKs lives mentioning JM do give me some serious "desperately missing someone who isn't in your life much now and longing for them them to notice you" kind of vibes. JKs whole face lit up like a Christmas tree whenever JM commented, like this was smth he really liked and wanted. Maybe he wanted to catch Jimin's attention and mentioning him and reacting to him was a sure way for him to do it, if they were not in each other's lives much. It is true that it was JK who always invited JM with the biggest smile on his, yet JM always refused. He cared for him, evidently by his comments, but he didn't actually went to meet him (as far as we know). All of their interactions at the time seemed to happen online and none offline, bar for JK visiting JM during his practice.

Until Jimin showed up at the airport with those scratches and from then on, things kinds of shifted. At least to me. All the things you mentioned, I've noticed and felt them too. They for sure are (or were upto this scandal) in a better place now than they were in the first half of the year.

Maybe JM also has a partner now and both have moved on? Maybe as you say they've grown into the roles of being just friends? (But then what was up with that shurtless flirty vlive?). Friends who flirt with each other? Maybe they have smth more going on again? Smth is definitely different but Idk what.

Their behavior in light of this whole scandal would be the deciding factor for me. If JM withdraws again and no big gesture comes from either of their side, then it's clear. If there ever was anything romantic between them, it's not going on anymore. Also, JK said he had schedules on JM's bday so most probably they wont be spending it together. If he doesn't post anything special or they don't interact around that time, that's a sign for me too. Because if JK truly wanted to be with JM now , this would be the perfect opportunity for him to shut down any rumours and speculations and make a statement to JM and the world. Not doing anything, should be a clear loud statement to us where they stand as of now.

[pyjamaenzel]

you know, I put my rambling in the tags bc I thought it wasn't entirely relevant, but your reply made me actually sit down and think about a few things.

I ramble a lot so putting a cut here.

this is just my personal experience, so I don't know how similar other people are, but I learn very slowly. The only way for me to do things that don't come easily right away is a lot of repetition until it's muscle memory. Unfortunately I am also bored easily by grinding the same thing over and over, so the reason i have 400+ hrs in Elden Ring is because every time i got stuck on a boss I went and did something else (usually exploring every inch of the map). I'm sure I was bad for a pretty long time, but there was no one there but me to criticize, you know? I'll be honest and say that i don't even have an idea of what my skill level with the game *is* compared to the majority of other players, but i don't actually think it's that high, I'm simply very persistent. It took me at least 15-20 tries to beat the final boss at level 175? ish.

I did not grow up with video games in the house, so until i was old enough to buy my own, my only exposure was going to friends' places, which meant everyone I played was better than me simply by virtue of owning the game and having more hours with it. OFC as a kid i didn't understand that. I just thought that I sucked and everyone else was naturally better at games than me. It didn't help that most kids are more interested in winning than teaching, so they're happy to curbstomp someone who is less skilled because it's fun to win. I remember the first time I actually had fun playing Smash Bros was with a friend who actually took the time to sit down and explain the controls and different techniques to me and how and why to counter things, etc. I instantly felt less bad about screwing up because instead of gloating when I lost he'd comment on some things I could try differently for the next round.

I think that's sort of the core of it: winning is fun and losing is not, and if all you do is lose then it's not going to be fun. You can say "get better at it" but if the game structure or your fellow players don't encourage that somehow, it just isn't going to happen for a lot of people.

There is a certain amount of like...scrutiny that comes with PVP where even if you can't speak to the other players you know there's another person watching you, which is a different feeling than screwing up when you're playing by yourself.

Everyone has a threshold where a certain amount of failure makes them give up, and for some people it's smaller because they've been lead to expect failure by the way systems are set up or the other people around them being unwilling to accommodate or teach. video games especially have a long history of people getting verbally abusive at each other in multiplayer chat. Obvs ER doesn't have a chat function, but i think people carry that baggage of "It's multiplayer, people are going to get on my case if i'm bad" over to it. It's embarrassing to do your fumbling and learning in front of other people, and PVP always requires a different skillset than PVE because real people are more unpredictable. At least with pre programmed enemies, they have patterns you can learn.

I do think it's fun to watch other people who are in their element in PVP, and I think if more people had your attitude of "this is fun and I want other people to have fun with me" then it would encourage others to try things out of their comfort zone a bit.

There is also the element of unpredictability...while you can turn off getting invaded while solo, people who are summoning other players for help usually do so for a couple reasons. Either they *like* co-op because they want to play with a friend, or they need help with something, or both. Having this punishing element of "some random guy might come and try to beat the shit out of you because you dared want help" is definitely like. alienating. especially to people unfamiliar with the other Souls games. Like I said, I've personally made my peace w/ it, but I can see where it's actively putting other off.

(also personally...i *hate* getting interrupted when I'm in the middle of something. :p)

I was looking through the other replies and saw some people saying it takes the fun out of invading when people just run away...tbh making the entire mechanic partially unwilling definitely contributes to that, I think? When someone is first playing the game, maybe they ask a friend for help and then they basically get punished for it...they're not really going to have a positive view of invading unless they are a certain type of player to begin with.

I don't know what the solution would be...imho ideally it would be to make it entirely opt-in and structure it in a way that encourages people to participate to make up for the people you would lose. unfortunately i don't really know what would accomplish that. It really is a balance between getting enough engagement and making people not resent the whole thing.

What would you like to change in the game to make invading more fun for you? (in the tags)

[taurusborus]

someone translated more of the under the tides event on reddit if you're interested in reading wtf is going on.

I'll also add it under this in case it's easier to read.

Warning, if you don't want to leave the slightest bit of surprise for yourself when the event hits global, TURN BACK NOW!!

I made a comment thread yesterday with a story summary. However, I still left out a lot of things, so I thought I'd make a new post, add in more info about plot I left out, organize the Q&A from the thread, and link to the TLs of the new units. Hopefully a centralized hub of info will help people find the information they're looking for and dispel any of the more wild hearsay floating around.

This will be organized into a few sections, the new unit TLs, my original story summary, a bunch of (my new summaries) separate plot threads that tie into the bigger story, and then some common questions.

Skalter profile + lines TL

Gladiia profile + lines TL

Event CGs

Some good supplemental information about the seaborn hivemind

A much longer summary of each stage, 11 pages - courtesy of Lauli. If you want to know more about the townspeople, Inquisitors, and details on Kal'tsit's end conversation with the Inquisitors, take a look.

The original summary I made yesterday, the fastest crash course on the major story points. I have edited some of the references of the new factions to match the updated TLs from MrSkyblock404 so there's no confusion:

First of all, if you've ever read the manga Claymore, you now understand most of the event. Key differences are that the "Organization" is Aegir. They don't SEEM to be the villains here, and they went the Claymore route to fight the sea horrors fully knowing that their Claymores will eventually awaken into the sea horrors that need to be put down.

The "secret" of the Abyssal Hunters is that Aegirians created them as supersoldiers with the bodies of land dwellers but the blood of sea horrors. More on that down below.

The seaborn is part of the underwater cosmic horror hivemind that's been foreshadowed since the start of the game. Its interest is in learning, evolving, and assimilating everything (a la Evangelion's instrumentality more like end goal of Starcraft's zerg). It's acts primitively... robotic? It doesn't understand things like emotions and "Does not compute. We will learn what you mean" is a large part of its exposition. The church in the town is actually the Deep Sea Church hiding in Iberia and slowly indoctrinating remote towns and turning the people to sea horrors. The ending convo with Kal'tsit implies that Iberia is now completely infiltrated by the cult and if they maintain an isolationist policy, they will be destroyed like Aegir.

The seaborn shows up to impale Gladiia, and reveals the big "you [Abyssal Hunters] and I share the same blood. You are us. We are you." Skadi has a mental breakdown over the truth bomb ("I've killed my own transformed family and friends" etc. Glossing over the specifics, just know she doesn't take some past war trauma well), and it seems like the seaborn can somehow "awaken" the blood and turn Abyssal Hunters like Skadi into one of them.

Skadi is right about to awaken [and probably become Skalter, that seems to be the general consensus on CN forums right now, Skalter = Skadi if she gives in to the call] when Gladiia reveals she was sandbagging (yay superhuman regen abilities) so she could listen in on why the seaborn wanted to meet Skadi so badly. Since the seaborn revealed everything, Gladiia promptly kills it and tells Skadi to get her shit together. Skadi gets her shit together. As the seaborn dies, it says its people will learn to understand everything the Abyssal Hunters have told it, and then they will ask them to join the family again. Also, Specter is now free from whatever "control" the Deep Sea Church exerted over her, she's elated over being "free" now. She's still infected but compared to her previous half-dream state, she considers it a minor setback.

Then there's the Deep Sea Church leader dude who had no idea Hunters were also of seaborn blood and also has a mental breakdown. His entire life's work and dream is shattered because the cult crap he made up believed in is a lie, and the seaborn don't put any special weight on his existence and work. He turns into the SV-9 giant tentacle demon that the 3 Musketeers take down. Before he dies, he curses Gladiia and says some ominous things about how she's different and unlike the other 2, her fate is set. Then in the scene with the mirror, she's shitting on herself for being useless and still ending up like an ugly little bitch. The mirror closeup shows part of her neck starting to look like fish scales, so it seems like she's already undergoing the sea horror transformation.

The town situation

The town has fallen on hard times, and the Deep Sea Church has slowly indoctrinated the population with Iberian values twisted into a pro-seaborn slant. These towns become experimentation grounds for the Church and seaborn. Gladiia confirms that she's been busy destroying many of these experiment grounds. The Church now provides the town with food from the sea when the tide comes. There is also a human sacrifice chosen by lottery, which the Church disguises as "the sea has chosen you to take into its embrace and provide a better life." Kind of like how parents tell their kids their dead dog went to live on a farm. The brainwashed people genuinely believe they have a better life and see it as the greatest honor.

The "food" the sea provides are the "dormant" state of severely injured Dinichthys, which regress into a more resilient meaty form while it recovers. This dormant state is edible (ugh) and what the people harvest during the tide. The unlucky human sacrifice walks into the tide to be eaten by the Dinichthys and thus what the sea giveth, it ultimately taketh.

I would like to note that the Church leader has made an appearance before this event. He has a substantial role in one of the story scenes in Archetto's event. I won't ruin the surprise, but if you pay attention to the setting, you'll know which scene it is before he shows up.

Deep Sea Church agenda and the seaborn

The Deep Sea Church are likely the major instigators of this major "sea vs land" conflict. According to the seaborn that shows up in the Church, the general seaborn population are territorial and generally abide by the animal instinct of survival of the fittest, there is no right or wrong if you kill to survive. The seaborn's behavior and inability to lie show that they indeed don't give a damn about individual seaborn, the Church's plans, or even the Church leader.

Distinction needs to be made between the general seaborn population and the seaborn used by the Church, the latter which could be artificially created. The Church leader is Iberian, but somewhere along the way managed to become part seaborn, which is why the seaborn will listen to him. Being part seaborn allows him to "weaponize" the true seaborn population for his own agenda.

The seaborn themselves indeed have a goal to evolve and and expand (from Skalter's profile). But to what degree the Terra conflict can be attributed to seaborn passive expansion vs. the Deep Sea Church's hostile accelerationism is not clear.

Thus, there's an interesting 3-way disparity between how the conflict is perceived.

* Abyssal Hunters: believes all seaborn must be eradicated * Seaborn: not really interested in the conflict * Church: "it is the will of seaborn to subjugate all"

Regardless, Gladiia has constantly repeated she doesn't give a shit about the seaborn's role in the Church's schemes. Her duty is to kill seaborn, and she's not going to discriminate.

Kal'tsit creates a cliffhanger every time she shows up at the end of any event

After the church-leader-turned-giant-tentacle-demon is killed, its enormous corpse is like a beacon calling to all the Dinichthys zerglings to swarm the area. The 3 Musketeers are like "ok fuck what now" and Kal'tsit swoops in with perfect timing to call Mont3r to completely destroy and bury the ground and its secrets.

She's here to direct the 3 Musketeers to leave Iberia and rendezvous with Misery to go back to RI for a vacation (yes, she actually says they get vacations). The Inquisitors also show up to stop everyone, and after giving them her usual condescending finger-wag-and-lecture, she offers to stay as hostage/information source in an Abyssal Hunter's stead. Her agenda is to convince the Iberian powers to ask for help instead of maintaining an isolationist policy. If they continue to keep it internal, they will be destroyed like Aegir.

She has some atypical kind words for the 3 Musketeers before they leave. To Skadi, she makes a throwback to some cryptic bullshit she said in Grani event. To Specter, she makes some banter about her newfound freedom and moving forward knowing her body's state.

And then it turns out she and Gladiia planned for almost everything before the Skadi sets off for Saltwind City.

The state of Iberia and Aegir

Aegir is pretty much sunken Atlantis. Gladiia says that there's no communication in and out of Aegir after the Calamity.

The Abyssal Hunters were created as just one small piece of Aegir's military power. Aegirians are fully aware of the Abyssal Hunters' eventual fate to turn into the enemy, and have special patrols out to monitor and kill any who turned. The seaborn confirms that they had nothing to do with those deaths. The people Skadi killed and watched get killed, those were all done by her own people. This does not help her mental state.

Iberia has likely attempted to replicate Aegir's Abyssal Hunters. We don't have story on the result of this project, but based on clues in her profile, Andreanna might have some connection to it.

In Kal'tsit's "I know everything" exposition, she states that Iberia once had a prosperous Golden Age, and is now a shadow of its former glory. As stated before, the Deep Sea Church has also infiltrated all levels of Iberian government. Thorns' profile says he left because of "religious strife" and how in recent years treatment of Aegirs in Iberia has gotten worse. All the breadcrumbs are building up to Iberia potentially getting the same kind of Calamity that destroyed Aegir. (See Skalter page's TL note on Calamity.)

Bunch of misc info that don't really fit anywhere else, from yesterday's thread Q&A

It's established that Abyssal Hunters are not allowed to bleed, especially on land. The seaborn says the swarms of cannon fodder zerglings can smell the "same blood" on the Abyssal Hunters. But they're a bit stupid, so their brains only know "this is the blood of my kind, but why is it trapped inside hooman skin?" instead of recognizing it's not a trapped comrade.

Their attacks on Abyssal Hunters are attempts to "free" their kind from the trappings of hooman skin. The more the Hunters bleed, the more frenetic the swarms get, because they know they are getting closer to freeing them.

If you are a Specter fan, you will absolutely love the scenes after she wakes up. The ensuing conversations show that the Abyssal Hunters cherish their close connections like everyone else, despite their usual "stay away from me I'm dangerous" vibes. I really hate how Specter's operator record turned out, and I'll keep salting about it, but this event really did her justice.

Question: Is story Skadi already Skalter? She is wearing the same clothes.

Answer:

No, and this is the biggest misconception that needs to be cleared. At no point in the story does Skadi fully awaken. She comes close but pulls back just in time. The in-universe reason Skadi changes into her wandering songstress wardrobe is that she needs a box carrying her "instruments" (her sword and Specter's chainsaw) and to avoid suspicion while sneaking into Saltwind City. There are two high ranked law enforcement officers (something like that) after her, who know she's an Aegir and a possible threat. In story, she's still guard Skadi. Devs probably wanted to keep the red getup on Skalter to differentiate between the two units.

Question: Why did the seaborn want to meet Skadi so badly?

Answer:

It's not entirely clear thanks to hYpErGRyPh oBtUsE wRiTinG. Every time the sea heir talks about how much it wanted to meet Skadi and perhaps why, Skadi or cult leader interrupt with their mental breakdown monologue. My interpretation of its reasons is a combination of desire to share knowledge with her (learning is constantly repeated as a goal of the sea horrors), extend an invitation to join the hivemind, and ask a question, explained below.

There are flashbacks to this one suicide mission she and her Abyssal Hunter squad had against one particular sea horror. Her entire unit died and she barely made it out after landing a fatal strike on it. Based on Skadi's mental breakdown, it sounds like that sea horror is like the Zerg Overmind, a central connection for the sea horror hive mind.

There's some exposition about how the Overmind isn't really dead, and it's gone into Hibernation Mode because though it no longer responds to communication, the sea horrors can still feel its pulse.

His specific question was whether Skadi heard the Overmind say anything before it went dormant. More Skadi breakdown, because she did. It said (rough TL) "[our] suffering is eternal." The "our" is ambiguous. It could be referring to Skadi and the Abyssal Hunters, since she's the one narrating, or it could be the Overmind and the sea horrors, who Skadi is repeating. I'm leaning toward the Abyssal Hunters since "being abyssal hunter is suffering" has been a core takeaway of this event.

And then Gladiia stops playing dead and kills off our sole source of Aegir lore :)

Question: Is Skalter/Under Tides canon?

Answer:

The events that happen in Under Tides is canon. Skalter's canon status is in existential limbo. As MrSkyblock404 has reiterated, devs have directly said Skalter is a POSSIBLE future in which Skadi gives into the call.

Question: But isn't the fate of every Abyssal Hunter to eventually turn into Seaborn?

Answer:

Technically yes. The call will never fade, so the moment it overpowers the Abyssal Hunter's will to resist, it will have won. But I say technically because the other side of the tug-of-war is the Abyssal Hunter's own willpower. There are hints scattered throughout that their fates aren't set in stone. As Gladiia said to Skadi in her "get your shit together" moment, if you don't want to become a seaborn, then you won't. Not to mention, they can always ask to be killed by another's hands before they fully turn, so they can die as "themselves". This is like the black card system in Claymore. Skalter's E2 promotional record also has this part:

Well, but that's not what I want to say to you today. What I want to say is that when they want to acquire a structure, they transform in that direction.

Skadi, since those creatures can become what they want to be of their own volition ...... Then you can also not become a certain way by your own will. You can do what you want to do.

For example, an Abyssal Hunter. Or, a little more freely, a bounty hunter.

The seaborn as a collective are naturally able to "focus" their evolution toward a specific direction. So as an individual, Skadi should also have a degree of control over what she does and doesn't want to become. Gladiia is implied to still be undergoing transformation despite her obvious obstinance, but the Deep Sea Church leader says she's different from the other 2 and her fate is sealed. As one of the first Abyssal Hunter prototypes, Gladiia might not be able to resist like the later Hunter prototypes.

If you made it this far, nice job! I hope that helps the EN community understand the tsunami of information that got dumped on us in the event.

If there are questions, post in the comments and I will do my best to answer them. Corrections to information in this thread and swapping notes with other CN readers are very welcome!

EDIT: Removed the spoiler bars since I got feedback that it was annoying to click on each paragraph. I've also added a new section "Deep Sea Church agenda and the seaborn" to clarify all the relationships defined in the story.

Also loving the connections the comments are making to other media. I personally made this post because I am a massive Claymore fan. Seconding one commentor, I highly recommend Claymore, it's a gem that's passed a lot of manga readers' radars. I'm also giving Bloodborne and Dragon Age a shot after the event.

EDIT 2: Thanks to the awesome ak-lore group on the official Discord, I've since made a number of corrections on key points. They are in the sections The town situation, Deep Sea Church agenda and the seaborn, and The state of Iberia and Aegir.

[the-witch-of-one-piece]

Marco x Valerie : Mi Rey Happy Birthday

A/N: Happy birthday to My husband My King Marco. This is such a joyous day for me in celebration to a great man in he OP world. This man is perfection and deserves nothing less than perfection. He makes me smile so much I can't explain it . I myself did indulged in a little self ship I made for me and him. 🥺 I couldn't help myself at all I will do anything for my king. Te Emo Marco.

“Aww, little bird you didn't have to do this.” Marco smiled was ear to ear

“Well, I want to do this for you. You’ve done the same thing for my birthday and I want to show you how much I love you. Come on!” Intertwining his fingers with yours. We were docked on an island for the past two days. Marco wasn’t able to look around the island due to his schedule.. Figuring out the perfect day to spend some time with him. Lari offered to get the party set up for Marco while you take him out for the day.

Brining the back of your hand to his lips he placed a sweet kiss. “As long as I’m with you, pretty bird nothing else matters yoi.” The way his words came out of his mouth made the butterflies in your stomach flutter their wings faster.

~~~Meanwhile on the Ship~~~

Lari is trying to get the rest of the stuff ready for the party. Ace watches his girl take charge of the crew having them do specific tasks for the party. “Ace honey that goes over there.” Lari pointed to the area of the deck where the tables were supposed to be.

“Yes ma’am. Shall I scrub the floors too?” he said sarcastically, teasing his girl.

Playfully rolling her eyes “As a matter of fact yes.” a hand placed on her hip. Ace's eyes widened as his girlfriend agreed that he should do the floor next. For a moment her serious look turned into laughter “kidding only jokes babes. But we should get this done. Val said they will be here later on.” Lari remembered the careful planning Valerie was doing for Marco’s birthday.

“Soooo, what did she get him for his birthday?” Ace asked.

“It's a surprise.” Lari said, “Okay but for reals, start cleaning the deck floor.”

~~~~~~~~

You have seen some of the vendors starting to set up some tents as it was still early in the afternoon. Marco looking around as he notices certain things standing out to him “So my little bird are you going to tell me why we exactly stopped here for yoi?” he asked.

“Well you see, I have done some research for a while and around this time, this island is known for their pineapple festival.” you smiled. Marco had a content hum as he looked around then back at you. “There is also a pub that is known for their pineapple ale that is supposed to be very good. I want to take you thereafter we see everything.”

“Now how interesting we do need to try it together.” his fingers laced with yours holding it a bit firmer.

The day went on as you both practically saw everything on the island, the breathtaking views and the amazing inspired pineapple food. Marcos' arm draped around your shoulder he still couldn't get over the fact that you had planned all this out for him. He hasn’t enjoyed himself this much in a while. You brought this light into his life that he couldn’t express how grateful he was for you. Seeing a photobooth Marco and you made your way into the booth. Taking a seat on his lap, his arms wrapping around your waist, his head resting on your shoulder, both of you smiled for the first one. “My pretty bird you have such a lovely smile yoi.” he whispers softly in my ear. Your cheeks becoming red as your head turns to look at him, the second picture snapped.

The corner of his mouth curled up his hand caressing your cheek, his thumb swiping left to right. “So do you.” slightly nervous saying that you looked into the made you fell hard for. His other hand rubbing your upper thigh. Both of you with a smile tint of pinks on your cheeks looked at each other not breaking eye contact the third picture snapped. Not even caring about the photo as your lips touched one another. The final photo snapped but your lips were still connected. Your arms wrapping around one another, his finger running through your silky hair. Playfully biting his lower lip he let out a low groan. The small space started to become a bit stuffy As our lips separated from one another's.

“Um, are you guys done? So can other people take pictures now?” hearing a voice coming from outside the closed curtain.

Your face felt hot Marco letting out a bit of humor moving a strand of hair “let's get going.”

Marco grabbed the strip of photos making our way out of the photo booth seeing some people waiting in line for the photo booth as you both exited out.

Marco didn’t pay them any mind as you both continued to walk. The sun was beginning to see as we sat on the patio of the pub. The warm summer breeze hit our skin as we took the first sip of the pineapple ale. You could taste the crisp of the pineapple in the ale. “This is so good.” you smiled.

“It's a nice blend of yoi. I can see why this is known on this island. Marco noticed the coaster with a small pineapple on it. He found another one for his collection. “Nice coaster as well.”

“You enjoyed today Honey?” asking him as he places the mug down. Turning in his chair towards you.

“You don't know how much this made my day little bird. Spending the day with you is always a treat and to be alone is even better.” Marco's arm hung from behind the chair he slightly laid back. His expression is not changing at all, still so calming and loving. I think this is the perfect time to give this to you. Reaching into your bag as you pulled out the small box.

“Val you didn’t have to,” he said as you handed him the gift.

“ I wanted to do this because I love you and it's your birthday. I wanted to get you something I know you will like.” you placed your hands on your lap waiting for him to open it.

As he began to do the unwrapping he opened the box reaching in to pull out something smooth and round. It was a coaster engraved with both of your initials on with with a little ~yoi~ on it as well. “Val…” picking his head up looking at you smiled once again. He leaned forward, placing a sweet kiss on your lips. “I love it, thank you my little bird yoi.”

About another hour at the pub you both began to head back to the ship. The ship seemed oddly quiet as we began to head up the ship. As we reach the deck “Happy birthday Marco!” the crew shouted, clapping and cheering.

Marco's eyes widen he has a great big smile on his face. “Was this you're doing as well?” turning his head towards you?

“Don't act surprised now!” Lari chimed in. “She wanted you to have the perfect day.”

“Yeah so Lari was in charge and made us get everything ready,” Ae said.

“Yes, and Ace did a wonderful job cleaning the floors.” Lari’s arms wrapping around Ace’s forearm.

“I felt used ” Ace teased

“Oh, hush you did a wonderful job you were so good at it my little firecracker.”

“Aww really.” he smiled at the sweet comment coming from her.

The night went on as the crew sang, drank, and overall had a good time in celebration of their first commander's birthday. Marco looked over at you as you were laughing with Lari. His life felt complete as he couldn’t ask for anything more. He had a family, a crew full of brothers and you, the one he was looking for, for so many years, and he finally had you. Knowing his days as a pirate were soon to come to an end as he started to want to plan his life with you settling down on an island and possible talks of starting a family of his own. Both of your eyes meeting both of you exchanging smiles at one another. Your eyes look at him then look towards the way of the bedroom you both shared. Giving him the oh-so-familiar look he enjoyed seeing on your face. It was time for his final birthday gift as you both quietly left to the room you both shared.

[themadauthorshatter]

Do you guys know what could've been kind of interesting to see in SGE? More specifically, the first book? Tedros realizing he has some possible feelings for Agatha while still thinking he's in love with Sophie.

Think of it like this:

Tedros trying to be closer with Sophie, i.e. trying to talk about his life back in Camelot, any frustrations he's having in his classes or with his friends, or even just wanting to know more about HER, but Sophie only hugs his arm, rests her head on his shoulder, or simply holds his hand and tells him she loves him.

Upon seeing this, his mind and eyes drift to Agatha, who is doing something like getting some homework done early or practicing some magic. Maybe he sees Kiko and Agatha together and Kiko is complaining about accidentally dying her hair green and making it all spiky, so Agatha waves a glowimg finger and fixes it right up for her, explaining to Kiko, who wanted blonde hair, that she's beautiful with her dark hair and Tristan is an idiot if he doesn't see that; not a very "Agatha" line, but I imagine she'd be tired of seeing and hearing Kiko cry and is genuine in her words because Kiko's nice to her and a pretty decent friend.

Maybe a challenge happens where people from the opposite side partner with each other and Tedros OBVIOUSLY partners with Sophie.

Agatha, however, doesn't get a chamce to think before Hester and Anadil equally take a step forward-

AND HORT CRASHES INTO AGATHA INSTEAD-He wants to get Sophie back for using him, and Hester is not taking her away from him.

Even with a possible concussion, Agatha and Hort do well, the challenge being getting across a deep and raging river by walking across a log or something, I'm not good at making up challenges for fairytales.

Because she's in heels and doesn't want to ruin her makeup, Sophie crawls across the log rather than walks, which makes Tedros have to slow down and wait for her.

I should probably mention that this log is close to the water and is cracking beneath them, so THEY NEED TO GTFO the log.

Tedros knows this, but doesn't want to leave Sophie(both because they'll get points taking away for leaving their partner and he's still pretty sure he loves her).

Chekhov's gun fires. The log breaks and both Sophie and Tedros fall in and are swept away beneath the surface.

Agatha follows with most of the students and Yuba following.

Because she's a smart person, can swin, and doesn't care about her looks, unlike many of the other students, Agatha recruits Chaddick, because he's strong, and Anadil, with she has rats, which are CRAZY intelligent, and they find another dead tree or a vine or something to put over the river, thin enough for Sophie and Tedros to grab, but thick enough that it won't break. Anadil kicks her maguc into overdrive and grows her rats to be the size of pitbulls, and Chaddick and Agatha use them to get to Tedros and Sophie out of the river before the tree or vine snaps.

I'm sorry for making Anadil OP, but she's exhausted when her rats are back to their normal sizes, too tired to even stand up as she glares at Agatha and tells her, "That is the last time I'm helping you."

Tedros storms back to the Evers with Sophie trailing behind him, begging for him to listen as she apologizes.

Under water, she had flailed and held Tedros down as he tried to get above the surface, which almost made them both drown.

He doesn't talk to her at lunch, but does notice Chaddick awkwardly commending Agatha for her quick thinking. By awkward, I mean it's almost painful to watch him find the right words to thank this "witch" for helping to save his best friend.

Again, this is an awkward exchange and it takes a few minutes for Agath to understand Chaddick and not get offended.

Tedros thinks on this and considers all the "connection" moments he's had like the goblin challenge where he mistook Agatha for Sophie and when he picked Agatha's coffin.

Sophie notices him staring and asks if everything's alright and why he isn't paying attention to her; water on the brain.

He shrugs, smiles, and says it's nothing, which makes Sophie smile and go back to talkimg, Tedros inconspicuously watching Agatha cackle her giddy ass off when Beatrix accidentally falls in mud while trying to approach Tedros in glass slippers. Kiko laughs behind her hand, but is close to tears. Agatha does magic her clean, but Beatrix still pouts and gets a little mad, even if the squeal she did was nothing short of hilarious.

Trial By Tale happens, events and all, but Tedros doesn't instantly break up with Sophie. He keeps his distance instead.

One night, after he's won and hasn't spoken a word to Sophie or sat near her at lunch, eating in his room instead to avoid her and because he's still a little injured, he is awake and can't sleep, so he wanders the quiet school halls, watching snow fall and reminiscing about home and how his school year's been, maybe even having a made up conversation with his father about what's happened.

HOW COINCIDENTAL THAT AGATHA IS ALSO OUT OF HER ROOM AND LEANING AGAINST A LEDGE TO ALSO WATCH THE SNOW.

This is the conversation between them that follows:

(Agatha turns to look at him with annoyed eyes)"... Here to call me a witch again?"

"Well, as long as you don't punch me again, I won't."

(Narrows her eyes a little mire before turning back to the snow.) "Why are you out here?"

(Tedros leans against the wall facing her and tips his head back, watching the snow.) "Can't sleep. Hester's demon got me better than I thought." (Chuckle) "I still have a bruise on my side from the thing."

(Agatha gulps as she remembers how it broke into pieces and attacked him, but says nothing.)

"How about you? Does the witch have you doing her work for her again?"

(Agatha gasps, surprised by the jab to her friend and at how he figured it out. Tedros's face is mostly expressionless, though he does raise an eyebrow as if to say, 'Go 'head. Prove me wrong.' She relaxes again and shakes her head.) "My room doesn't have a good view of the trees. I bet it's snowing in Gavaldon, too. Harder than it is here, maybe."

"Gavaldon?"

"My village. Where Sophie and I came from. Our home."

(Tedros laughs) "I'm sorry, how long have you two been friends for?"

"Long enough. What about you? What brings the prince of Camelot out to watch the first snow of winter?"

(Tedros's smile drops as he returns his gaze to outside.) "Like I said. I couldn't sleep."

"Why are you REALLY out here?"

(Tedros is silent for a few seconds, biting his lip because he's obviously uncomfortable.) "... Your village. Gavaldon. Do you... miss it?"

(After another second of silence, Agatha responds.) "A little bit. We were better friends there, at least. And I miss my cat."

(Tedros humms quietly as he gives a slight nod, biting back a 'witch' comment.)

"I guess you're used to the attention. Being the prince and all."

(Tedros shrugs and scratches the back of his neck.) "Sort of. Not really. No one ever followed me around like Beatrix. Could you see a maid being on my tail like SHE does?"

(Agatha can't help but laugh, Tedros chucklong with her before his smile drops.)

"I don't know. I mean..." (He leans on the ledge.) "I like being with my mates and all, but... it gets annoying when there's always a couple of girls giggling at you behind the corner. I miss my room, too. And the library. And the court yard. And the garden. And the field."

(His voice breaks at that last one, but Agatha doesn't bring it up. Instead, it's her turn to talk about home.)

"I miss my mom. We didn't really get along, but she's my family, Reaper, too."

"You named your cat Reaper?"

"He took care of our rat and bird problem. You'd be surprised at how many blue jays come to a cemetery." (Agatha's smile drops.) "I miss that, too, the cemetery. It was quiet. And just reading fairytales in my room instead of studying to BE in one."

(Tedros nods at that, no joke or quip.) "It's all fun until you learn how dangerous it all really is." (He is silent for a second, gulping and running his hand through his hair.) "Thanks, by the way."

(Agatha turns to him, playing coy because she's not used to the Evers ACTUALLY being nice to her, save for Kiko.) "For what?"

"The Trial. Saving me. I don't think I'd be here, if you didn't."

(Agatha blushes and looks at her hands.) "No... No problem. I mean... Well... I guess that..."

(Tedros smiles and slips some hair behind her ear and kisses her hand.) "'You're welcome, Tedros. I hope you can repay me, somehow, Tedros.'"

(Agatha almost tells him to forgive Sophie, but instead says something else.) "Can you talk to Sophie? She's sorry about what happened and she really does love you."

(Tedros frowns.) "Love isn't pulling someone down with you when you're under water. And neither is leaving your teammate to fight alone."

"You said you wanted to repay me, this is how. Do you really want to be indebted to a witch?"

(Tedros reluctantly nods.) "Fine. I'll talk to her."

"Thank you."

(Agatha turns and walks back to her room, but Tedros only watches her leave, speaking when she's out of ear shot.) "I don't think you're a witch."

I feel like I could add more, but this will be enough for now.

I hope you guys enjoyed, sorry if this came off as fanfiction-y or any of the characters were a little OP, magic or otherwise. And like I said in my progress post, this is just what I would have done to have Tedros and Agatha fall in love, or start falling in love

Either way, I hope you enjoyed this

Incase you're interested, here's a link to part 2: https://themadauthorshatter.tumblr.com/post/642332442965983232/im-bored-im-continuing-with-that-tagatha

[lovecrafts-iranon]

Thank you for all your time. I would like to explain a bit more of what I was going for here.

First of all, thank you so much. You make a lot of good an insightful points that I will be thinking about for a long time.

I am going to try and answer some of the questions you asked. You seemed confused as to what my story was going for emotionally, so I want to say in more detail exactly what my plan was for so you can better pinpoint where I went wrong. That these points were not obvious was a failure for me as a writer that I need help fixing.

Sometimes I will say something that disagrees with your post. I am a bit worried I will scare you away with too many counterarguments and you will think I am discarding your advice and being overly defensive. The reason I am giving these counterarguments is to explain where I am coming from so you can better reach me with what you have to say, not to end the conversation and try to prove my fic is good after all, which I do not think it is.

It might help to know what I do and don't want out of the stories I read, which I elaborate on here. You commented on this post that I was wrong about what I liked for some reason but didn't elaborate.

Here was my goal, which I ultimately failed at. I wasn't aiming for him to just sit around being sad; I was trying to depict him slowly losing touch with everything important, replacing every normal part of his personality with his stalking. It's supposed to evoke a kind of cringe in the readers -- when he starts skipping classes, lying to the people who care about him about where he's going, you're supposed to say "no, don't do that!" It's meant to be the emotional version of the horror protagonist deciding to open the door covered in blood. When he starts cyberstalking in chapter two you're supposed to be a bit unsettled but unsure whether it's actually bad since he's just doing things on his computer and it is after all giving him hope and happiness. When he chooses stalking All Might over his mom, you're supposed to feel something is truly wrong. When he starts shoving people aside, especially in a hospital, you're supposed to feel this rising horror that he isn't only hurting himself for this, he's hurting others. That's what the first few chapters are all about, how his dedication is stripping away his humanity. Like, say, somebody who joins a radical political group or a cult, discarding everything they used to care about for the cause, only he's doing it all on his own. It's supposed to be fitting that he turns out to be a school shooter, after all. The rising sense that he is becoming a worse person, a less human person, and more detached from reality is the emotional core of the story and the "fucking" so to speak. That is the through-line. And that was what was supposed to be suspense -- he does something slightly more inhuman in every chapter, so what will he do next?

To me, the most interesting thing in the world is why people do bad things. The villain backstory episodes are always the best part of boring standard adventure shows. I think such shows should ditch the heroes and be one hundred percent about villain backstories. Movies like Joker or Doctor Horrible which are all about villain backstories are my favorites. I was aiming for something similar here.

I've seen the whole Blake Snyder save the cat thing (I look at a lot of screenwriting advice because it's more concrete than the advice given to novelists) and I have to say, I dislike it. Like I said in the OP, I dislike watching or reading about good people doing good things. As soon as a character does a bad thing, that's when I start getting interested in them. Seeing Aladdin give up his bread made me roll my eyes. The ideal story that has a larger focus than a single villain's backstory is a bunch of morally grey characters murdering each other for sympathetic reasons. You said there was no reason to root for Midoriya in my fic, no reason he deserves to get what he wants more than anybody else. First of all, I dislike characters getting what they "deserve" beyond the natural consequences of their actions. If a villain does get locked up, it had better be with a ton of collateral damage to innocent people and it had better not invoke any feelings of righteous justice in readers -- such feelings make me sick and I never want to invoke them in any circumstances. The proper feeling, and the one I wanted to invoke in the ending, is a kind of sadness that things had to come to this. If a hero gets what they want, well, the only time I like to read about that is when the victory is ultimately hollow or they get it at the expense of something more important. Or maybe they get some minor thing they want at great cost with a reminder that the world around them is still full of horrors and their one victory was ultimately small. I did not feel good reading or watching the Cinderella Harry Potter ending for the first chapter of BNHA. Relevant post about which character I liked when I was reading Harry Potter. Second, readers here are *not* meant to root for Midoriya getting what he wants, any more than they're meant to root for Doctor Horrible getting into the Evil League of Evil instead of enjoying a nice life with Penny. The word "stalking" is never mentioned outside of the tags because it's Midoriya's POV, but that's meant to be the interpretation of his actions from the very beginning. As for why he was sympathetic at all, well, have you never had that desperate longing for something impossible? It's like in the poem Miniver Cheevy, where he fantasizes about living in the past all the time and hates his life because he can never live in that world (it's tied for my favorite poem). Have you never felt obsessed with some dream and felt that obsession taking over your life? It's supposed to be a more extreme version of normal human feelings. Of course, it ultimately failed. I didn't make it clear. I don't know why it wasn't clear.

(Also it's funny you say "(note that Bojack Horseman is also a comedy, and probably wouldn't function as a show without that)" because like Save the Cat, this is one thing where I disagree. Here is my old reddit account eight years ago asking for something like Moral Orel or Bojack Horseman without the pesky comedy getting in the way of the awesome despair.)

"Not knowing the appeal of BNHA, you're trying to bring in readers who want more of the part of BNHA that appeals." Maybe it's stupid but I was hoping to draw people in on a different appeal. Like... there are probably many millions of people who enjoy both Harry Potter and A Song of Ice and Fire, even though the two have extremely different appeals. If somebody wrote a Harry Potter fic that had the same appeal as ASoIaF, the kind of people who would be fans of both would enjoy it, right?

My fanfiction

I don't think there's any way I can post this without lots of negativity. While of course I love compliments, it's not so much fishing for those as fishing for an explanation why. These suck; why do they suck?

I didn't post my fanfiction here for years because I, in a stupid haze of Dunning-Kruger arrogance, thought I was bound to become extremely popular. I wanted to curate my image in a way I don't on this account; for example, I didn't want to ever post any political opinions anywhere where my writing was associated with me. And I especially didn't want to associate my depressed rants about my writing with my actual writing. But that is stupid because I was never going to get big. I am too inherently shitty of a writer to ever become popular.

The first things I posted on AO3 were erotica since I had heard that's what was popular. I am not going to link that because that isn't where the confusion lies -- I can guess why that didn't get a response. I also did non-sexual responses to kink meme prompts (as you can tell by the title, most kink meme stuff is sexual, but it actually isn't 100 percent.) Instead I will link the three works I was most proud of before I posted them. I feel nothing but shame and disgust toward myself for feeling that way about works that got so few kudos. I was so wrong to feel pride for such mediocre little heaps of trash.

Writing popular stories is the most important thing in the world to me and the only thing I have ever strived for. The kudo count starting so pathetically small (even after all the study and practice I put in before I even started writing these, which I figured would give me a leg up on other writers but didn't because I am an eternal loser) would have been fine, I guess, if the number had gone up from fic to fic. It didn't. That was proof that I can never improve and am doomed to be a disgusting failed fanfiction writer (truly the worst thing one can be as a writer) forever.

One thing to note is that I actually never liked the show (Boku no Hero Academia) that I wrote for. I chose it because it was popular; I knew that Yudkowsky chose the Harry Potter fandom because it was popular and he had great success. He was criticized for not actually reading the books so I figured I would do better by watching the show and reading the manga. I specifically disliked how almost all of the characters are Mary Sues who always win and never have anything truly bad happen to them or do anything truly bad. I hate watching good people do good things. For context, my favorite show is Bojack Horseman. With some of my fic, I was trying write "the Bojack Horseman of BNHA fanfiction" (how contemptible of me to ever think a loser like me could create anything good enough to be spoken of in the same breath as Bojack).

Also AO3 sometimes has a bug where it will put a space before a punctuation after italicized text. I only learned about this well after I had realized I was too much of a shitty writer for it to be worth fixing, so whatever. Long gone are the days of eight hours of editing per thousand words.

Babes in the Wood

This was a kink meme prompt answer. One of the few potentially good things about the show that is never explored (at least before I stopped watching/reading) is how Bakugou bullies Midoriya but Midoriya still thinks of him as a friend despite all contrary evidence and looks up to him. Inspired by the kink meme prompt, I figured it would be fun to take that to a more extreme place (not romantic/sexual extreme, just fucked up).

Fic description:

From the BNHA Kink Meme:

His pain tolerance is pretty insanely huge, right? I want to see something where Izuku's massive levels of pain tolerance comes up in middle school. Maybe to the horror of some of his classmates or teachers. It doesn't have to be a result of bullying inflicting an injury, but it should definitely be something hospital-worthy and red flag raising.

2. A Room Full of Your Posters

My most successful fic, so the one you're most likely (but still not very likely) to enjoy. Making Midoriya into a villain is a common fanfiction trope, but from the descriptions I read it was usually achieved through brainwashing, blackmail, or similar methods that went against his will. When he did become a villain of his own volition, it was via the whole "one bad day" trope, a sudden snap. I wanted to write him slowly spiraling into insanity before he kills people. I wanted to turn his typical Shonen protagonist trait of never giving up and his All Might fanboy thing into flaws (goodness knows he needs some). In retrospect, Midoriya's feelings about his impossible dream are similar to mine about being a popular writer. I thought I was doing a darker, more realistic take on the villain!deku trope. Guess not since it didn't get as many kudos as the other fics I mentioned!

Fic description:

Villain!Midoriya. The slime villain didn't attack. Bakugou never needed rescuing. No wondrous event proved he deserved All Might's Quirk. He was still desperate to know whether a Quirkless boy could become a hero.

If only there were some way to get All Might's attention...

3. It Deepens Like a Coastal Shelf

I noticed that the most popular ship in the fandom was Midoriya/Bakugou. A lot of people hated this ship since it shipped a bully and his victim, which is a fair enough objection, but those same people had an extreme hatred and disgust for Bakugou that didn't sit right with me since he is a child and my favorite character (not a fantastic character but the best one on the bad show). So I made a fic exploring that (they don't end up in a romantic relationship which is why I didn't tag it as such), but also mostly about child abuse which is kind of played for laughs in the show. I wanted to show what childhood is *actually* like since pretty much every coming-of-age story I have read gets it super wrong. In my stupid fantasies, this fic was going to be known even outside the fandom for how realistically it portrayed growing up.

This was the fic that killed me inside. Because the previous couple fics had been going up in kudos, I thought I was improving. Now I know that was just random fluctuation and I can never improve. Every weekly update where I would get 0-2 kudos would make me sick and I still hate myself for making something that got that little of a reaction and thinking it was good (stupid, laughable!) before I posted it and learned the truth. Why couldn't I see the damn truth before?

Fic description:

Mermaid AU. If you asked Katsuki Bakugou, he was a god among jealous mortals. If you asked his mother, Mitsuki, she would agree, except for the times she'd call him a brain-dead little bitch. If you asked his classmates, well. They knew to keep their mouths shut. So when Mitsuki bought a new, green-haired mer for the family's aquarium business, Katsuki wasn't exactly looking to have his mind changed. Unfortunately, Izuku Midoriya might force him to rethink who he is, what he believes in, and whether his "normal" -- his thoughts, his life, his mother, mers, everything -- is really how the world should be.

__________________________

So that's my fanfiction. I hate myself for making these. I hate that none of the books on writing, the college classes, all the reading, all the practice, none of it made a fucking difference in kudo count because I am unchangeable. I also hate the general AO3 culture of never leaving negative comments because I would do anything to know why these bombed so much. Please just tell me why I suck, it is painful not to know. I have guesses and partial answers but no complete picture. I have been miserable for years because of these kudo counts. Fame has been my goal my entire life and to know I can never reach it has stripped every scrap of happiness from me. There are fanfictions full of typos obviously written by 12-year-olds with more a whole lot more kudos than mine. That is how bad I am. I hate my stupid delusions of grandeur, thinking I could be successful at writing when I am not successful at anything else. It's been about two years since I started feeling miserable all the time about this. It hasn't really been getting better. I might do a longer post with even more context about why I feel like killing myself but I wanted to get one out there with the fic links first. As explanation and proof as to why I am so dumb.

And I get that to somebody who writes as a fun little side-hobby and gets most of their enjoyment and fulfillment from other things, this sounds really weird. If you didn't get many kudos that wouldn't mean much to you, wouldn't mark you as a permanent loser because you have other things going on that you care about. But to me it means everything.