#there’s still stuff I don’t eat now and I keep myself on a schedule but having the choice is nice

[muffuletadiver]

it’s hard for me to understand the mindset of people who desperately want to be kids again bc while I get the idea of just wanting to not have responsibilities, it also just means giving up your autonomy and that’s not something I think I’d ever give up just to be able to play Pokémon Pearl for hours again

[thetriumphantpanda]

she a bad lil bitch, she a rebel | joel miller

Summary | Joel has to teach you a damn lesson, just like always.

Pairing | Brat Tamer!Joel x F!Reader

Word Count | 4K

Warnings | brat tamer!Joel, softdom!Joel, praise kink, implied age gap, spanking, use of rope restraints, hair-pulling, edging, orgasm denial, squirting, (1) singular pussy slap, unprotected PiV sex, rough sex, oral sex (M&F receiving), face-fucking, fingering, dirty talk, breath play, biting, cum play/cum eating, reader is a bratty menace, aftercare(!), no use of y/n.

Authors Note | All I'm going to say is this came to me in a dream and I had to get it down on paper. Mostly written on my phone with very little proofreading, so any mistakes are my own and I will live and die by them. This is basically just pure filth. Enjoy, and happy birthday to that old man. I love him but I would give him the hardest time, just like reader.

Main Masterlist | Ko-Fi

If there was one thing that you lived for, it was pushing Joel Miller’s patience. The poor man had wandered into Jackson, little girl in tow, looking worn and weary almost a year ago, and from the moment you set eyes on him, you just knew you had to give this old man a run for his money. 

You’d started subtle, flirting with him on patrol, taking his distaste at your attempt to talk to him at every second as a personal challenge to break him, to work him down just enough to make your move. After a couple of weeks, he’s started talking, mainly in single word answers, but you’d managed to slowly chip him down. 

Then came the weekly drinks at The Tipsy Bison, everyone on patrol usually went, apart from those scheduled to be out that day, but he’d started laughing at your jokes and had even opted to sit next to you on occasion. Then one night, he’d walked you home, you’d had one too many glasses of whiskey, kissed him on the porch but agreed it wasn’t right to fuck right then, but he’d come back, that next night, both of you sober, and you’d kissed him again, and the rest really was history. 

It’s late afternoon when he comes through his front door, toeing his boots off as the door slams behind him. You’ve been led on his couch for most of the afternoon, reading a book you’d plucked from his shelf – some nonsense Western that did nothing to keep your attention, but was enough to keep you occupied whilst you waited for him to come home. 

“Afternoon,” You sing to him as he shrugs his jacket off, hanging it on the coat stand near the door, “Good patrol?” 

“Was fine,” He grumbles, just like he always does, he swats at your legs to get you to move them enough for him to sit down, “Scoot,” You lift them up just long enough for him to ease himself onto the couch, before you put them back down on his lap, abandoning the book on the coffee table, “You sort the stuff in the kitchen like I asked?” 

“No.” You say simply, shaking your head, subtly digging the heel of your foot into the front of his jeans. 

His big palm circles your ankle, gripping in warning, “What about the sheets, you wash ‘em?”

“Did you see them pegged out when you came home?” You ask, sweetly, using your other foot now to dig into his jeans. 

“Will you fuckin’ quit it?” He seethes a little, other hand gripping your other ankle to still you, “What have you done all day, huh?” He implores, “I don’t keep ya around to lounge about lookin’ pretty.” 

You chuckle, “That’s exactly why you keep me around, old man.” 

“Shut up,” He squeezes at your ankles, “I asked you a question, you gonna answer me?” 

You shrug, “Woke up late,” You hold up one finger, “Felt horny so I got myself off,” Another finger, “Had a shower, used the last of that nice soap,” Another finger, “Made lunch,” Another finger, “And then led here reading one of your stupid books until you came home.” A final finger raised so you’re holding up and entire hand, palm facing towards him. 

You’re looking at him, all scowling face and dark eyes as his fingers wrap even tighter around your ankles. If you didn’t know him like you did, you’d be frightened, but you know he’s just thinking about the best way to deal with you. You wonder which of his lessons he’s going to bring out today as the look he’s giving you shoots straight down to your core. 

“I ask you to do two things,” He sighs, like he’s tired, “I ain’t exactly expectin’ slave labour from you, and you sit here and treat it like the Hilton?” 

“What’s the Hilton?” You ask, genuinely curious, thinking it must have been something from the times before all this, the times you were too young to remember. 

“Forget it.” He growls, and you think any minute now he’s gonna move to drag you off and show you just how bad you’ve been, but he doesn’t move, just sits with your ankles clasped in his hands, staring at the wall in front of him. 

“I’ve been so bad Joel,” You goad, trying to wriggle your ankles free, “Aren’t you going to teach me a lesson?” 

“No,” He spits, “I ain’t, because you like it too damn much, ain’t teachin’ you anythin’ because you never learn.” 

You pout a little, looking up at him through your eyelashes, “Promise to listen real hard this time Joel,” You promise, “Try and learn and much as possible.” 

“No,” He speaks, stern tone, with a warning squeeze to your ankles again, “Been a long day, don’t have the energy to bring you into line.” 

“Ah, I see,” You muse, “You’re feeling too old today.” 

“What did you just say t’me?” He’s incredulous now, good, you’ve got him just where you want him. 

“Oh, nothing,” You giggle, “Don’t worry.” 

It seems to do the trick though, because he’s pushing himself up from the couch, gripping at your wrist now to pull you up as well. He pushes you gently by the small of your back to get you to walk in front of him, “Upstairs.” Is the only instruction he gives, along with a playful swat to your bottom as you start up the stairs. 

He’s crowding behind you, always following just one step behind as you make your way to his bedroom, suddenly aware that you didn’t make the bed when you rolled out of this morning. That’s surely another black mark to your name, you think, as he sits down on the edge of the bed. 

“Get undressed.” 

This is new, normally Joel liked to be the one to unwrap you, but you start working on the buttons of your shirt, undoing it and dropping it to the floor, followed closely behind by your jeans, leaving you standing in front of him in your underwear, “All of it.” He demands. 

Your hands shakily reach behind you to unclasp your bra, dragging it from your body to land with the rest of your clothes. You drag your panties down your legs and step out of them, wrapping your arms across your chest to try and cover yourself a little. Joel reaches out a hand to you, which you take timidly, expecting him to pull you into him so he could put his mouth on you, anywhere, but instead, you find yourself pulled to him and folded over his lap so quickly you let out a surprised yelp. 

“So fuckin’ naughty, all the damn time baby,” He speaks softly, running his fingers down the length of your spine, “Don’t ever think you’ll learn how to be good.” 

His hand trails down to your bare ass, gripping the skin with his hands, using his other arm to press you down into his lap, rough material of his jeans rubbing against the sensitive peaks of your tits and the soft skin of your tummy. He rubs his rough palm over the globes of your ass, anticipation building in your body. Then, he pulls away, bringing his palm down onto your ass with a satisfying ‘smack’ ringing through the air. It takes a while for your brain to catch up with what’s just happened, but then the stinging sensation settles across your skin and has you wriggling to get away. 

“Keep still,” Joel chastises, free hand digging further into the small of your back to keep you from moving, “That’s one, how many do you think you deserve baby?” He muses, “Fifty?” 

“W-what?!” You exclaim, “N-no Joel, that’s too much.” 

“Forty then?” His palm is cradling at the skin he’s just spanked. 

“T-ten?” You offer feebly. 

“Oh baby girl,” He tuts at you, “Aim higher.” 

“Fifteen?” 

“How about we settle for twenty, baby?” He asks, all soft and sweet, “Twenty seems reasonable to me.” 

He doesn’t give you time to agree, it would seem the bargaining time is over, as he brings his palm back down onto your ass, harder than before, but in the same exact place. It jolts you on his lap, makes you cry out. The front of your body dragging against his denim. 

“How many?” He asks, rubbing his hand over the skin he’s just spanked. 

“Two.” You reply quietly, trying to keep the whimper you want to let out to yourself. 

“Good girl,” He praises, raising his hand again, “Keep count for me, okay?” 

Smack.

“Three!” You shriek, as his palm yet again connects with that same patch of skin. 

Smack.

“F-four.” 

Smack.

“Oh fuck,” You groan, trying to wriggle away unsuccessfully, it’s already too much, “Five!”

Smack.

This one doesn’t hurt as much; Joel’s shifted the assault of his palm onto the virgin side of your ass for you. You suck in a deep breath, try and blink away the tears that have formed in your eyes, as his hand massages where it’s just struck. He gives you another four on that cheek, and then switches back to the original, bringing his palm back down onto the skin that you’re sure is reddening by now. 

“Joel!” You cry out, tears dropping from your eyes now, but your body betrays you and arches your back for him, pushing your ass up like you’re asking for it, “E-eleven.” 

It carries on like that, five spanks to each cheek until you’re practically sobbing over his lap. You count the twentieth spank and a feeling of relief washes over you as he bends over you to press a light kiss to the sore skin he’s left. It makes you hiss, the contact, no matter how gentle he is with it. Then, he’s shifting you off his lap and onto the bed, letting you scurry away to the top of the mattress as he stands. 

The stinging of the skin of your ass is still making you sniffle as Joel shuffles to the bedside table, digging around in it. You’re not quite sure what he’s looking for, focusing mainly on trying to keep the red raw skin of your ass off the sheets, when he stands, throwing what he was looking for onto the sheets next to you. You turn your head and see the length of rope that he keeps in his drawer just for moments like this. 

“Arms up.” He short with you, sitting on his knees next to you. 

You do as you’re told, raising your arms above your head, still pushing your ass off the bed, but knowing soon enough you’ll be focused on something else that isn’t the stinging sensation of your ass. He takes your wrists and binds them together deftly, like it’s a walk in the park for him, like it’s something he does all the time. Then, once he’s sure your wrists are safely encased in rope, he takes the other end and ties it to his bed frame. He tugs slightly to make sure the way he’ll have you thrashing soon means that you won’t be able to pull yourself free. 

“That okay?” He asks gruffly, to which you nod, “Words, baby.” 

“Y-yes,” You stammer, “It’s okay.” 

“Remember your word?” He asks, stepping off the bed to partially undress, shucking his jeans and flannel off, but keeping his t-shirt and boxers on. 

“I remember.” 

He hums in approval, settling himself on the bed between your thighs, using wide palms to spread you open for him. You’re absolutely soaked, pussy dripping with slick from his palms and the way he’s trussed you up to his bed. 

Joel lets out a low whistle, letting his thumb rub up the length of your folds, “See,” He murmurs, using his thumb to gently spread the lips of your pussy to reveal your clit, already swollen and begging for attention, “Told ya that ya liked being punished too much,” He lets his thumb make a single swipe over that bundle of nerves, chuckling as you cry out, hips bucking to try and follow his finger, “She’s already fuckin’ soaked for me, baby.” 

You let out a high-pitched mewl, a begging sound that you hope tells him that you need him to touch you, you need to feel the pleasure you know he’s capable of after the pain he’s just inflicted. Mercifully he obliges, pressing the calloused pad of his thumb back to your clit, slick gathered there from before, as he starts rubbing in fast, precise circles. You’ve been so worked up that you can already feel the coil tightening in your tummy, and you know Joel can sense it as well, the way your hips are moving in time to his movements and the way you’re arching your back off the bed are a dead giveaway. 

You can feel yourself reaching that peak, so fucking close to tipping over the edge when he tears his hand away from your core and sits back, watching as you try and move back towards him, moaning in frustration at being left high and dry. You’re wriggling about, trying to close your thighs to rub them together to get yourself off, when he pushes a wide palm into your belly. He’s so powerful in the best way, stilling your movements immediately as you look up at him, face serious. 

“Remind me what the second thing on your list was this mornin’, baby?” He asks, voice as innocent as pie. 

You’re wracking your brain, lust making you more confused about what the fuck he’s even talking about. Then it dawns on you, what you’d told him downstairs. Felt horny so I got myself off. 

“You’ve got a big brain baby,” He coos, one palm squeezing your thigh, “I know you remember, so go on, tell me what you did.” 

“I g-got myself off.” 

“And is that what good girls do?” He asks, hand ghosting back to your pussy, knuckles of his hand brushing over your skin there. 

“N-no?” You question. 

“That’s right,” He hums, fingers slipping between your folds once more to gather some of the insane amount of slick that’s pooling at your aching entrance, “And besides, gettin’ to come is a reward, and I ain’t sure you deserve that right now.” 

His thumb is back on your clit now, moving in exactly the same way as before, with just the right amount of pressure to be building you back up. It feels so fucking good already and you know the way it feels when he tips you over the edge, you know how delicious it is and God, you want it so bad. 

“Please Joel,” You beg, all throaty and lust-filled, “I’ll be so good, I promise.” 

“Maybe ya should’a thought about that earlier,” He growls, “Before you came without me, thought you could do it better than me, huh?” 

“No!” You exclaim, because that’s definitely not true, you could never make yourself feel the way he does, “Oh God, please Joel.” You’re so fucking close, just a few more passes of his thumb and you could do it, you know you could, but so does he, which is why he’s tearing his thumb away from you again. 

You actually cry now, tears of frustration building in the corner of your eyes, threatening to spill over as you thrash around on the bed, hissing when the rope around your wrist digs in but not caring all that much. 

“Quit your cryin’.” He chastises, hand on your hip to keep you still. 

You whimper, lip wobbling, trying to keep your cool. All you want is to reach out to him. You think if you could touch him, he would give you what you want, so you’re pretty sure that’s why he’s got you tied to the damn bed, to keep himself in check, to see this through, because Joel Miller always folds to you when you put your hands on him, weak man that he is. 

“You’re being so mean.” You cry out as he shifts, lying flat on his stomach so you can feel his breath on your aching pussy. 

“You were the one beggin’ to get punished baby,” And it smarts because it’s true, “I’m only givin’ you what you wanted.” 

He leans forward, tongue licking a stripe through your pussy, all the way up to your clit where he sucks the little bud into his mouth, rolls it between his lips and then lets it pop from his mouth like an ice-pop. He flicks it with the tip of his tongue a few times and you suck in a breath, your fingernails digging painfully into the palm of your hands as you focus on trying to reach the cliff edge and fall over it this time. 

You’re holding your breath, hips working in time with the movements of his mouth, eyes screwed shut just trying to focus on how good it feels. You can hear the rustling of sheets, which means if you were to open your eyes and look down at him, you’d find him grinding himself into the bedsheets for his own relief. He pulls off you, and you’re about to curse him out when he speaks. 

“You wanna come, baby?” He asks, punctuating it with a flick of his tongue. 

“Oh please Joel,” You beg, and even to your ears it sounds wrecked and pathetic, “Please let me come.” 

Then, you’re shrieking because the palm that has dealt so much damage to your ass this evening, has now swatted your aching cunt, “No.” He says simply, pushing himself back up and onto his knees. 

He pulls his t-shirt over his head, throwing it somewhere behind him. You’re squirming as he shucks off his boxers, moving awkwardly to kick them off, before he’s mounting your body, those strong thighs straddling your chest as his throbbing cock rests just millimetres from your mouth. He reaches down, let’s his fingers tangle in your hair as he pulls your head forward roughly. Your mouth, like muscle-memory takes over, opens, and the head of his cock slips over your tongue. You can already taste the salty beads of pre-cum as he shuffles forward a little, easing his cock into your mouth until it’s hitting the back of your throat. 

He holds your head steady with the fingers tangled in your hair as he fucks your throat. The sound is obscene, practically pornographic, the wet sounds that come as the head of his cock meets the back of your throat on every thrust. He pulls out of your mouth every now and then, when he’s thrust too hard and makes you gag on him, but fucking hell it’s turning you on so much. You can feel yourself literally dripping onto the sheets, you don’t think anything has ever made you this wet before. 

He pulls his cock out of your mouth one last time, a string of saliva connecting him to your mouth until he pulls away enough for it break, laying wet across your chin and down your neck. Joel shuffles back down your body and you think finally, you’re going to get some relief. 

He hooks your knees over his arms, pushing them forward to your chest as his throbbing cock slips through your folds. He rocks his hips a few times, the bulbous head of him swiping over your clit, before he unexpectedly buries himself into your soaked cunt in one go. 

You actually sob at the feeling. You’ve been so empty all night, and now you’re so full of him, so crowded by his body, that you finally feel some kind of relief. He’s still for a moment – once it would have been to get you used to the heft of him inside you, but right now, you know it’s because he’s just as fucked as you are, and he wants to make sure you’ve truly learnt your lesson. 

Once he’s collected himself, he sets a bruising pace. Cock dragging out of your slick heat and slamming back into you. He revels in the way your tits bounce with every thrust, so much so that he leans forward and bites at the flesh, sucking bruises into your skin as he pounds himself right into the very depth of you. 

“Doin’ so good for me baby,” He groans out against your skin, sucking your nipple into his mouth, letting it go with a wet pop as he pushes himself back up for me, “Takin’ your punishment so well.” 

The angle he’s got you folded into means the head of his cock is brushing against the spongy spot inside you every time. Your pussy is clenched so tightly around him that it’s a miracle he’s held on for this long. He finally brings his thumb back to your clit and you’re begging this time that he’ll let you finish, because if he doesn’t you’re pretty sure you might actually die. 

“Joel,” You mewl, “I’m g-gonna – holy shit – m’gonna come.” 

“Go on baby,” He finally relents, you let out a sob of relief, “Come on my cock for me, like a good girl.” 

It’s so overwhelming when it finally happens. Your vision blurs and blood rushes to your ears, blocking out any sound that isn’t the beating of your pulse. Your pussy clenches impossibly tight around him as pleasure finally floods through every inch of your body. You feel yourself literally gush on his cock, soaking his skin, your skin, the bedsheets beneath you. You think you might even scream his name as your body convulses and shakes, arches up into him. 

You’re slightly aware of him pulling his cock from inside you, letting your knees drop. You can hear the slap of his fist on his skin as he fists his cock, and then he’s growling out your name, his cum spattering over your tummy, lying hot and thick on your sticky skin. It’s silent for a good few moments, the only thing you can focus on is the sound of you both sucking in breath to your lungs and the burn of the rope around your wrists. 

“Look at me.” Joel demands, and you do, your eyes meeting his, which are almost black with lust, his face flushed, sweat pooling at his hairline. 

He drags a finger through the pools of his cum, bringing his fingers to your mouth. He presses them into the flat of your tongue, letting you swallow, which continues until you’ve cleaned every inch of him from your skin. He then works quickly to untie the knots that have you bound to the bed, freeing your skin from the burning feeling that’s settled there. 

“Stay still,” It’s still demanding, but it’s softer now, as he gets off the bed, dropping the rope to the floor, “I’ll be right back.” 

He comes back moments later with a glass of water and a cool cloth. He rolls you over onto your tummy, pressing the cool material to your ass, trying to soothe the red welts of his handprints that have already started to form. He presses soothing, open-mouth kisses to the skin before he rolls you back over onto your back. 

He moves you because you’re pliant now, to rest against the pillows, handing you the water to drink as he runs the last of the cooling cloth over your lower tummy and through the folds of your spent cunt, then it’s discarded to the floor with everything else, and you’re being pulled to his chest, kiss pressed to your forehead. 

“Too much?” He asks quietly, checking to make sure he hasn’t crossed some line with you. 

“Just perfect.” You reply, eye-lids heavy with sleep. 

He brings one of your wrists to his mouth, letting his tongue lick soothing stripes along the reddened skin there, kissing every now and then, but keeping you pressed tightly to his chest, you own arm draped around his waist.

“You learn your lesson?” He asks then. 

“Probably not,” You hum against the sweaty skin of his chest, “I don’t think you’re ever going to fuck the attitude outta me, Miller.” 

[oimitocat]

MIND ME | HC

txt ot5 (separately) x gn!reader

reacting to reader with dark/trauma humor + implied past suicidal tendencies + implied past trauma + coping with humor + therapy sessions + idol au! + implied eating disorders

a/n: literally fair warning, if you can’t handle it, move on. this is fiction but with real life tendencies.

—HUENING KAI

one day you had to do your therapy session over the phone due to your busy schedule. kai had come in to sit with you as your session was close to an end. the basic “see you next time, call me if you need to chat or have questions” thing goes on and then you hang up.

he’s comfortable in your bed, you crawl in to cuddle with him.

“anything new?” he asks, he’s always so caring, so tender.

“nah.” then you pause, smiling.

“what is it?” he asks, “why are you smiling?”

you shake your head, “just remembered this joke i made to my therapist.”

“a joke?” he asks, curious.

you watch him, smiling at the mess of his hair. “so like, i use to self harm-“ his eyes widen a bit, yet he quickly fixes his expression, “-and so she asked if i still do it and i joked and said ‘no i have alcohol now’…” you sigh, “she didn’t laugh.”

and you bust out laughing when kai purses his lips, unsure if he should cry or find it funny either.

“y/n!”

“kai! i don’t drink! be for real!” you cackle as your cuddle him, easing his worries.

—CHOI BEOMGYU

“y/n, do you want to stay with me and keep practicing?”

“what? you’re saying i suck and need to keep practicing?”

beomgyu gasps, “no! what? i just- well the step we keep messing up! we should practice it!”

“so you’re saying i’m bad at it and you’re covering it by saying we both do? great, another thing i’m bad at.”

“what’s the other thing you’re supposedly bad at!” he argues, smiling at you.

“oh it’s a long list,” you say with a grin.

“as if.”

“no for real,” you pick up your water bottle, back facing his, “killing myself is number one. apparently i’m bad at it.” you shake your head before pausing.

“what?”

“i’m joking,” you say quickly, seeing the worry in his eyes. “beomgyu.”

“ah…” he just watches you, messing with his water bottle. “am i allowed to laugh when you joke like that?”

“if you want, i don’t care. would be preferable.” you pat his back, “let’s practice yeah?”

—KANG TAEHYUN

you were watching people getting their bones popped. it’s crazy what areas can be popped to soothe the body. yet you and taehyun were cringing and laughing.

“oh- ah!” taehyun flinches, watching how they popped someone’s neck.

“dude maybe i should go get my neck snapped.”

“don’t you mean popped?” he asks, smiling at your silliness.

you shake your head, “no. i mean snapped.”

taehyun rolls his eyes, “you wanna die or something?”

“always have.” and you get a smack on the arm, to which you laugh at. he knows your joking, and that makes you feel warm.

—CHOI SOOBIN

literally you love food. sadly the industry makes you develop a decently bad relationship with it sometimes. so, one day you’re eating sweet bread and go- “shit, i’m supposed to be on a diet for our comeback.”

“huh? why?” soobin frowns. “wait, really?”

“it’s okay, i’ll just starve until then, it’ll be like this never happened.”

“y/n, what?”

you glance at him while chewing, “what?”

“why the hell would you starve?” he eyes you, “wait, what does your diet consist of then?”

“coffee and antidepressants.” you joke.

“funny.”

“i know.”

—CHOI YEONJUN

it’s a task. literally, all of you are on a reality show and you have to fill out a questionnaire or something. you’re thinking on this question.

“what’s wrong?” yeonjun asks you while beomgyu and soobin make ruckus about what their answers are.

“i’m not sure what to put.”

“y/n, it’s basic questions.”

“that’s what my therapist said and then i was diagnosed a bunch of stuff.”

“the question is literally what’s your favorite childhood memory?”

“so about that, i don’t remember cus apparently — fun fact, when you experience some sort of trauma as a kid your mind blocks any memory during that age and time. i don’t remember shit,” you whisper. “what am i supposed to put? that my mom beat me with a spoon until i finished my homework?”

he stares at you, unsure what to do with that bomb drop. he knows you cope with humor, hence, “steal one of mine then.”

“bet.”

[nanawritesit]

Trent Lane Boyfriend Headcanons! (SFW + NSFW under the cut)

(i just finished daria and have major Trent brain rot… but there’s like no content for him so i guess i have to write it myself :p)

SFW:

He writes songs about you all the time (they don’t always make sense but you still appreciate them)

Probably shows his love through physical touch or acts of service because he’s too broke to buy you gifts or take you anywhere nice 💀

He always has an arm around your shoulder, a hand on your waist, or is at least linking pinkies with you. If you’re next to him, he’s touching you in some way

And if you ever need help with chores or a project, he offers to do it for you or help you finish it (which is saying a lot because he’s usually lazy af)

Always gives you his jacket when it’s cold without you even having to ask him :)

Loves to lay his head on your chest and fall asleep after late night gigs… you struggle to roll him off of you in the morning because he sleeps like a log 😭

Calls you his “muse” occasionally

But he mostly calls you a cuter version of your name (like how he calls Jane “Janey,”) or just a simple “Babe” or “Hon”

Most of your dates are at the bars Mystik Spiral is playing at

You’ll hang out there for a while and get pizza afterwards, then probably smoke 🍃 in the tank

He asks your opinion on song lyrics, and you’ll help him brainstorm rhymes

The man is nocturnal so you have a ton of late night phone calls

You’re basically his sugar mama because again, he’s broke and unemployed

You have to reassure him that it doesn’t bother you all the time, in fact he’s *almost* considered getting a job just for you because he loves you that much 💞

(you can call him a deadbeat all you want. i would have no problem supporting my sweet baby girl 😤)

He also gets insecure sometimes that you’ll leave him for someone more educated or successful… you’ll have to explain to him that you don’t care about that stuff and that you love him regardless of it

His idea of a perfect day is just laying in bed with you all day long… he’s big on cuddles, either laying his head on your chest or nuzzling up into your neck :)

Although he also enjoys spooning you, or having you lay on his chest while he runs his fingers through your hair (He’s the best cuddler ever, try to change my mind)

Also loves going to the music store with you, and any other shops you enjoy going to

If you like piercings, you’ll go on piercing dates together :)

If you’re nervous, he’ll hold your hand and talk you through it 💞

Keeping him company while he gets his tattoos

He likes to see what you buy for yourself so he can save up his money to buy you something nice for your birthday or anniversary 🥺

LOVES when you sleep in his t shirts ❤️ He thinks you look so hot

He doesn’t strike me as someone who has a specific type, he just likes whoever he gives with. You could be alternative like him or have the total opposite aesthetic, he just likes you for who you are 🥰

Desperately trying to get him to take care of himself by getting a better sleep schedule and maybe eating a piece of fruit every now and again 💀

Watching Sick Sad World with Jane and Daria

The two of them look up to you because you’re one of the few people they think are cool, they mostly ask you for advice on relationships, school, and resolving their disputes

Jane asking you to help her dye her hair after Daria ruined it 😀

You always encourage her and compliment her paintings, she sees you as a really cool older sister (except not actually because all of her relatives besides Trent are insane)

You try to help them out around the house with cooking and cleaning and buying groceries since their parents are never home

The other guys in the band tease him so hard because he talks about you constantly and always gets so happy when you call :)

Jesse was actually the one who set you guys up, and it makes him so happy to see you together

He keeps a picture of you on the dashboard of the tank just to make him smile whenever he sees it 💞

NSFW: (18+/ MDNI)

Lazy morning sex (even though it’s at like 4 pm) because it’s the best way to wake him up ;)

Having sex in the tank right before a show because he’s convinced he plays better after he fucks you

He’s a switch for sure, mostly because he doesn’t always have the energy to be on top

Really likes long make out sessions where you’re straddling his lap and he can run his hands all along your body

Looooves watching you ride him

But he also enjoys pinning you down and dominating you 👀

The cold metal of his rings against your skin drives you wild, especially when he’s fingering you

Will give you hickeys in the most obvious places because he thinks they look hot

Conversely, he loves it when you leave scratches down his back like you’re marking him as your territory

Listen, this man knows how to EAT 😤 (you’re probably the most nutritious thing he eats tbh)

He loves overstimulating you by making you cum on his tongue and then fucking you immediately after

But he also loves it when you return the favor… he can’t think of any better sight than you on your knees going down on him 😭

He knows that his voice turns you on and uses it against you to turn you on in public (which leads to the two of you running out to the tank for a quickie)

He’s really good at talking you through it 😫

Not super loud during sex, but he does grunt and swear a lot

And when he gets close to finishing he starts letting out some airy moans, mostly saying your name over and over

He’s not *super* freaky but he certainly knows how to show you a good time ;)

[captainremmington-13]

A Lady Made of Snow

DISCLAIMER: I don’t own The Hunger Games franchise, the images above, The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, or any of the characters in this fic other than Bellova.

SUMMARY: The 10th Annual Hunger Games begin, and things quickly dissolve into chaos. Bellova grows increasingly furious about Coriolanus’s dedication towards Lucy Gray Baird. When she realizes he has cheated just to keep her alive, she decides to ruin him once and for all.

Warnings: spoilers for TBOSAS, death, violence, cursing, overall dark stuff (it’s the Hunger Games franchise so that’s sorta a given)

A/n: I am using a combination of the movie and book version of the events that occur in this chapter. I sort of streamlined the events to make the chapter less boring. Also, I highly recommend listening to “…Ready For It?” and “Look What You Made Me Do” while reading this chapter.

Other than Sejanus throwing a chair at the screen and screaming that everyone in the room was a monster, Lamina killing Marcus in an act of of mercy, and Lucky’s stupid commentary, nothing much had happened yet. 

Bellova was disappointed that her tribute was dead. Not because she cared about her, but because it meant she was missing out on the mentor experience. The thrill of having a say in someone else’s survival seemed quite exciting. 

If she wasn’t so pissed at Coriolanus for his behavior towards Lucy Gray, she would’ve reconsidered his proposal to work together. 

When the day was coming to an end, the majority of Academy students started to leave for their homes. Only a handful remained, consisting mostly of the mentors.

Bellova stifled a yawn, leaning back in her chair. Things has gotten dull, with the tributes doing nothing but finding places to hide from each other. She hoped that Dr. Gaul had something exciting in store for them soon, or people would start switching to Billi Bumble’s horrible comedy channel.

She picked up her Academy satchel and stood up from her seat. She noticed that Coriolanus was still present and slumped over on his desk, his head resting on his hand. He looked so peaceful asleep, his long golden lashes fluttering slightly. The light from the ceiling made his light blonde curls glow ethereally.

He looked like an angel. 

Bellova suddenly felt a strong urge to wake him up. She had avoided him for the entire day out of spite, but was starting to miss interacting to him. It was routine, bantering and bickering every day. Not talking felt…weird. And lonely.

She sighed. On rare occasions, she wished she could go back in time and change the way they formed their relationship. Instead of it being based on competition and rivalry, it would be full of support and affection. 

Then, an unpleasant thought hit her. 

He had only stayed so late to ensure nothing happened to Lucy Gray while he was away.

Now utterly furious, she slung her bag over her shoulder and started towards the door. ‘He’s such a pathetic sap,’ she thought. ‘He’s acting like a fool, I really should stop associating myself with him.’ 

But she found herself glancing over her shoulder to look at him one last time. And she knew, deep down, that she’s always come back, no matter how much he pissed her off.

She’d never be able to stay away from him. 

Not for long, anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bellova passed out as soon as she climbed into bed, and didn’t wake until nine hours later. She hadn’t slept well in nearly a week, as she was still recovering from her injuries. This was the first time she was able to achieve an uninterrupted night of sleep since before the bombing.

When one of her maids woke her up, it was already 8:00. Usually Academy classes started promptly at 8:00, but because of the Games, the schedule had been loosened a bit. And Bellova, who didn’t feel like interacting with anyone, was in no rush to arrive on time.

After eating a breakfast of fruit and assorted pastries, she slowly pulled on her uniform. She has always hated the Academy uniforms, but with the right accessories and makeup, she had learned to make it presentable by her standards.

Bellova checked her makeup one last time in the mirror and then headed downstairs to meet her driver at the front of her estate. He opened the passenger’s side door for her as she slid into the seat. 

“How are you this morning, Miss Bellova?” he asked, starting the engine and taking off towards the main road.

“Fine,” she said, leaning against the window. “I’m just tired, that’s all.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. I hope that once the Games are over, you can rest up properly.”

She nodded. “That would be nice. As much as I like the Games, they’ve caused quite a lot of stress this year.” 

He laughed quietly. “Most certainly. Everyone was so worried about you when you were hospitalized, your father most of all. I haven’t ever seen him so upset in my twenty years of working for him.” 

Bellova sighed. She and her father, Julio Augustus Reginelle, had a nice relationship. But he was rarely home, for he worked almost ten hours a day and often didn’t come home until Bellova was asleep. She cherished the rare moments she had with him. He had taught her to be proud of her wit and her combative nature, even if it sometimes got her into trouble. 

“You are much more like your father than you realize, Miss Bellova,” her driver said. 

“How so?” she asked.

“You are both kind until someone disrespects you. You are incredibly intelligent just like him, and pursue your goals relentlessly.” He paused for a moment. “And, you seem to have the same disdain for certain other Capitol families.”

Bellova raised an eyebrow. “Which ones?”

“Well, he’s not fond of the Cardews, as you know. He thinks they hold too much power for how little work they actually do.”

Bellova laughed. “That’s true.”

“He has never gotten along with the Creed family. He finds them irritating and foolish.”

She smirked. “I’m not surprised. Festus can be insufferable. Who else?”

Her driver sighed. “He despised Crassus Snow.”

Bellova felt her stomach twist. “Really?”

He nodded. “I don’t know exactly why he hated him so passionately, but I’ve heard they were rivals during their Academy days.”

‘I suppose I really do take after him then,’ Bellova thought, remembering her and Coriolanus’s worst arguments. ‘Crassus’s son gets under my skin nearly every day.’

Her driver pulled onto Scholars Road and stopped in front of the Academy’s main building. He stepped out of the car to open the door for her, and she gave him a nod of thanks. 

“I’ll see you later, Miss Bellova,” he said, bowing slightly and getting back into the car to drive off. 

As Bellova walked to the auditorium where the mentors were undoubtedly already at work, she pondered what her driver had said about Crassus Snow and her father. She was eager to know more about their history, but didn’t want to pry too far. Her father had a temper just like her, and she didn’t want to be on the wrong end of it.

When Bellova reached the room and walked through the doors, she immediately noticed three things: one, that Coriolanus looked exhausted and distressed, two, that he has brought his cousin Tigris to watch the Games, and three, that Sejanus was missing. 

She grabbed a spare chair and sat next to Coriolanus. He didn’t greet her or even glance look at her.

“What’s wrong with you today?” she asked, looking at the large television screen in front of them. 

He scowled. “I’m not in the mood for your snide remarks, Bellova.”

“Clearly something happened. Either tell me or I’ll figure it out on my own.”

Coriolanus gave her a sharp glare, but sighed in defeat. “We’ll talk about it later.”

Satisfied, Bellova turned her attention back to the Games. According to Lucky Flickerman, one tribute, Bobbin, had died overnight. However, there was no footage shown of him perishing. 

Bellova found that awfully suspicious. There was such a lack of action in the arena that the gamemakers would have undoubtedly shown the death of a tribute. 

When Bobbin’s death was announced, she noticed Coriolanus tense ever-so slightly. The average person wouldn’t have noticed, but she had learned to read his body language as well as the back of her hand. Clearly, something about his death made him nervous.

She decided to cast it aside for the moment. She’d pry the information out of him later. 

“They aren’t showing us what happened to that little boy,” Lysistrata Vickers said. “He clearly was killed right there. There’s cameras everywhere. It doesn’t make sense.”

“They said they were old cameras, Lyssie,” Festus responded. “Probably just another one of Coral’s.”

“Festus, sit down,” Lucky Flickerman ordered. “Same seats.”

Festus scowled but did as he was told. He and Lucky clearly had some animosity, and it was quite amusing to witness their petty interactions. 

Suddenly, after a few moments, Lucy Gray appears on screen, looking horrified. Bellova had to bite her lip to refrain from grinning. It seemed that the songbird’s luck was finally running out. 

Jessup emerged a second later. He was clearly not well, he looked much worse than he did before the Games.

“What’d you do to me?” Jessup shrieked, backed Lucy Gray against a pile of rubble.

“Nothing!” she responded, her eyes wide with fear. 

“Lyssie, what is he doing?” Bellova heard Coriolanus asked frantically.

“Something’s wrong,” Lysistrata replied, bewildered. “He wouldn’t turn on her like this.”

“Jessup going after Lucy Gray,” Lucky commented. 

“Stop running!” Jessup demanded. “What did you…” He groaned mid-sentence. “What did you do to me?”

“I didn’t do anything!” Lucy Gray insisted.

“Both tributes from District 12. The same district folding in on itself.” 

“Wait, look. The foam,” Coriolanus said. 

“I think it’s rabies,” Lysistrata said, clearly disturbed. “That bite. From that train.” 

Coriolanus stared at the screen, looking helplessly at his tribute who was nearing her inevitable doom. Then, he turned back to Jessup’s mentor.

“Send him water.”

“Wait, what?” Lysistrata asked.

“You remember the posters in the war? Rabies. It makes you afraid of water. Send him a drone.”

“That’ll scare him,” she protested.

“Yes. Away from her,” he insisted.

Bellova stood up. “Coriolanus-“

“Bellova, be quiet,” he snapped, not even bothering to look at her. “Jessup is done. Lyssie, you’re the only one that can get it right to him.”

Lysistrata clearly didn’t want to, but with a few clicks on her computer, water was being sent to Jessup by a drone. 

“Thank you,” Coriolanus whispered.

Within minutes, Jessup was dead, and four lethal tributes were cornering Lucy Gray. 

“Oh, look at this,” Lucky Flickerman said. “The Pack doing what they do best. Packing it in. Lucy Gray is swarmed, cornered. Mizzen, propellering his net.”

It looked again as if she was done for, but then-

“Mr. Snow going for his communipad,” Lucky continued. Bellova saw him send nine - no, ten drones towards Lucy Gray. 

Bellova knew exactly what he was doing. He was using the drones to give her a chance to escape. 

The drones came flying into the arena, causing The Pack to scatter. A few of them got hit, causing them cry out in pain and tumble to the stone-covered floor. 

“These drones are not very good,” Lucky commented, as if it weren’t obvious. Some of the students who had caught onto Coriolanus’s plan started to jeer at him.

“Hey!” Vipsania Sickle said indignantly. “You can’t attack the tributes.”

“I’m just sending water,” Coriolanus said casually, as if he was completely innocent.

After gathering her bearings, Lucy Gray scrambled into a tunnel with Coral on her heels. She managed to pull the vent closed just in time, the metal door nearly crushing Coral’s fingers.

Bellova positioned herself a few inches away from Coriolanus. She was seething, but it didn’t show on her face. She simply looked indifferent, despite all of the violence that had just occurred in the Games. 

“Snow, do you that time before the Dark Days when you pulled on my pigtails, so I slammed your face against my school desk?”

“Yes,” Coriolanus said, furrowing his eyebrows. “What about it?”

Bellova smiled crookedly, the violent glint in her eyes making Coriolanus visibly uncomfortable. “I’m about to fucking do it again, and this time, you’ll have more than a bleeding nose.” 

He straightened his posture, smoothing out his Academy blazer. 

“I’d like to see you try.” 

Bellova’s hands twitched. She knew that decking him in front of the majority of the student board would get her in severe trouble, but it was very tempting.

Instead of punching him, she started to storm out of the auditorium. 

“There goes Miss Reginelle. Clearly, the violence on screen has finally gotten to her-“

“Shut the fuck up, Flickerman, before I snap your microphone in half!” Bellova hissed. She threw up open the doors, and made sure to slam them behind her. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bellova sat in the hallway outside of the auditorium, leaning her head against the wall behind her. Her anger was threatening to spill over, and her father would be very disappointed in her if she murdered someone on Academy grounds.

She had vowed to make Coriolanus pay if he pulled any more strings for his little songbird. And he had by sending that fleet of drones after her attackers. But clearly, nobody batted an eye at that. He had not been punished, or even reprimanded.

The thought of Coriolanus thinking longingly about Lucy Gray was almost enough to drive her mad. 

Before she could do anything drastic, she heard the speakers inside the auditorium amplifying Dr. Gaul’s voice. Curious, she stood up and pressed her ear to the doors.

“Capitol citizens, I’m afraid I must interrupt our Games to announce a tragic loss, one that affects us all. Felix Ravinstill, son of our beloved president, has, this morning, succumbed to his injuries sustained in the rebel bombing.”

Bellova felt her heart drop. Felix wasn’t all that bad, when he wasn’t bragging about his life at least. She had even gone to the end-of-year Academy gala with him a couple of years ago. They had a wonderful time, and she was gifted a priceless gold necklace by him at the end of the night. She had worn it for a week straight afterwards, which delighted the young son of the president.

“Out there in the districts, they will be celebrating this young boy’s death as a triumph. I will not allow my Games to give our enemy such a victory. I swear to you, here and now, before the sun goes down tonight, a rainbow of destruction will engulf our arena. Even if it means there’s to be no victor in these Games.”

She gasped. She knew Dr. Gaul well enough to know she was completely serious. If she wanted someone gone, she’d stop at nothing until they dropped dead. 

Mere moments later, Coriolanus burst through the doors, nearly slamming right into Bellova. 

“What are you doing out here?” she asked, scowling at him.

He sneered down at her, beginning to walk away. She followed him, despite knowing he really didn’t want her to. “As if I’d tell you.”

Bellova sighed. “I told you earlier, Coriolanus, if you don’t tell me, I’ll figure it out on my own-“

“Fine!” he huffed. “I’d do anything to shut you up at this point. You’re insufferable.”

“The feeling is mutual, Snow. Now spill it, what’s going on?”

Coriolanus, against his better judgement, told her everything. Well, almost everything. He told her about how he retrieved Sejanus from the arena, but omitted the part about killing Bobbin. He explained that he needed to see Dr. Gaul immediately, for the stitches in his back from the previous evening were coming loose. 

Bellova frowned. She briefly felt bad that he was in pain, but couldn’t bring herself to actually care. She was still angry at him. 

She also noticed he said was being very vague with his details. He was definitely hiding something.

“What’s that face for?” Coriolanus asked as they approached the Citadel, which housed Gaul’s laboratory. 

“What face?”

“That scowl. You’re clearly not pleased about something, so what is it?”

She smirked. “As if I’d tell you,” she said, mimicking his words from earlier. 

Coriolanus’s jaw clenched, which satisfied Bellova immensely. She loved seeing his patience waver, it was strangely addicting.

“Will you ever learn to keep your bratty mouth shut?” he asked, his voice raising a touch.

“Bratty?” Bellova scoffed. “I’d prefer it if you called me a bitch.”

Dr. Gaul’s lab was just a few corridors away at this point. Bellova knew that causing a scene here wouldn’t be wise, but she honestly did not care. She could easily talk her way out if it.

Coriolanus glowered at her, his blue eyes icier than ever. “Go back to the auditorium, Bellova. I know you love watching the Games, and you’re probably missing all of the action.”

She laughed. “So all of a sudden, you want me to be happy. Seriously, Snow, if you want to get rid of me, just say so.”

He smirked at her condescendingly. “Then I will. Get out of here, you have no place in Gaul’s lab anyway. It’s too much for your pathetically shallow brain to comprehend.” 

Bellova stared at him for a moment. It has been awhile since he’d said something quite that harsh. It was normal for him to question her intellect, but calling her dumb? That was low, even for him.

Coriolanus was obviously anticipating a slap to the face. He was not prepared, however, for Bellova to swipe her claw-like nails across his face like a wild animal.

Stunned, he watched Bellova walk away as the new gashes on his face began to sting. As she reached the end of the hall, she screamed “You’re such an asshole!” before disappearing from Coriolanus’s sight. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bellova sat in the stands instead of with the mentors, watching as Dr. Gaul’s “rainbow of destruction” engulf the remaining tributes in the arena.

She had no idea that when Dr. Gaul said “rainbow”, she was referring to hundreds of colorful, deadly snakes. 

She watched, entranced, as the beautiful mutations smothered the tributes, picking them off one-by-one. She had never admired the “mad” scientist more. Her work was truly beautiful. 

Wovey, Reaper, Mizzen, and Coral were soon dead, lying lifelessly beneath the swarm of snakes. 

“Now, all colors lead to Gray,” Lucky Flickerman said. 

Coriolanus stood watching the screen, amazed at his own success. “She’s… She’s won. It’s over, she’s won.” He looked over to Dr. Gaul, who was standing to the side. “She’s won, let her out.”

The doctor smiled. “Afraid that’s not your call to make, Mr. Snow.”

Bellova bit back a laugh when Lucy Gray began to sing. At least she’d be able to get in once last performance before her vocal chords went slack.

“Dr. Gaul, she won!” Coriolanus repeated, desperation seeping into his voice. “It’s over, let her out.” 

“Why aren’t they attacking her?” someone asked.

“Must be the singing,” Coriolanus replied. “It’s calming them.”

He really was a terrible liar.

“She can’t sing forever,” Festus said. 

Bellova noticed some of the students around her begin to cry as they watched Lucy Gray sing shakily. ‘Pathetic,’ she thought.

“Dr. Gaul, please,” Coriolanus begged. “Get her out. Get her out!”

One by one, the Academy students began to chant “Get her out! Get her out!”, almost overpowering the sound of Lucy Gray’s singing. 

‘No,’ Bellova thought desperately. ‘Don’t. Just let her die.’

Then, Coriolanus said, “Who will watch the Games if there’s no victor?”

The chanting came to a halt.

Dr. Gaul looked around, seeing that she was vastly outnumbered. “Get her out,” she murmured just loud enough to be heard. 

“She’s won! Lucy Gray!” Lucky Flickerman cried over the roar of the student body. “Coriolanus Snow is the winner of the 10th Annual Hunger Games!”

Bellova’s face burned with fury, her patience finally snapping after days of wearing thin. 

She was no longer willing to overlook Coriolanus’s behavior. She had let him get away with too much. 

It was time that he faced some real consequences.

As she exited the hall quietly, she smiled, a cruel, twisted smile. She knew exactly how she would make him pay.  

✧ ‧˚₊ ❆ ‧ ₊ ⊹˚✧ ‧˚₊ ❆ ‧ ₊ ⊹˚✧ ‧˚₊ ❆ ‧ ₊ ⊹˚✧ ‧˚₊ ❆ ‧ ₊ ⊹˚✧ ‧˚₊

TAGLIST: @daenerysqueenofhearts, @squidscottjeans, @euphemiaamillais, @gracieroxzy

Author’s Note: Thank you for reading! Please let me know what you think in the comments! This was another decently long chapter, and I believe it has been the most intense one yet. Stay tuned for Chapter Six!

Also, let me know if you want to be added to the tag list!

[tuberchelsea]

Come Out to LA

Pairing: Yoongi x f!reader

Summary: What was supposed to be a simple trip to LA to visit your childhood friend turns into a weekend of a life time

Genre: idol au, smut, fluff, strangers to lovers

CW: sexual content (grinding (we in da club), oral, fingering, exhibitionism (if you squint), dom!Yoongi, sub!reader, p in v), unwarranted Kiss Cam, Yoongi is just too fuckin cute. Also, we may have some sad girl times.

A/N: I have not been in the basketball circle for a while, so my knowledge is meh (also am not a Lakers fan). Also, for somebody (me) having a JK bias, Yoongi’s been on the (my) mind lately 🥴

Title inspiration: Come Out to LA - Don Broco

“Question - how would you feel about seeing a Lakers game while you’re here?” Your friend, Becca asks over the phone.

“I mean I’m not the biggest lakers fan, but it’s been a while since I’ve watched a game - I’m down!” Why not? You’d never been to Los Angeles, so it’d be a good idea to do as much as you can in the 4 days you’re there.

“Awesome! The game is tomorrow evening! Did you want to borrow a jersey? I have plenty hanging around!” Becca asked, knowing full well what your response was going to be.

“…I’ll just wear something nice.” There’s no was you’d be caught dead wearing a Lakers jersey.

“Okay! I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon then!! Love you!!” As Becca hangs up the phone, you glance over at your half packed suitcase and the pile of rejected outfits sighing - packing shouldn’t be this hard. Looking over at your closet, you eye the new lavender pantsuit you’d bought months ago - might be time to put it to good use.

🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱

“Why do I keep punishing myself with bum-fuck early flights?” You curse to yourself as you off board your last connecting flight to LAX. You needed to find Becca - thankfully she was waiting by baggage claim.

“Girl, you look like you need caffeine.” Becca stated as she gave you a giant hug. You nodded in agreement - 4 am flights aren’t exactly your jam. Grabbing your bag off the carousel, you follow her out to the car. Not even buckled in, Becca started rambling off the schedule for the day - something that didn’t surprise you.

“So, I’m thinking we drop stuff off at the house, you can change, then we do brunch? Get coffee and eat - kill two birds with one stone.” You nodded, sending the necessary texts to your family.

“What else do we have today? Better question, when is the basketball game?” You inquired - she hadn’t really disclosed that to you.

“Oh! That’s tonight! We need to be there at least an hour before tip off, it’ll be a bit easier to get to the seats courtside, plus I-“

“Did you say courtside?” You interrupted her, looking up from your phone. She nodded, smiling mischievously. “How did you land courtside? HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU??” You KNOW you couldn’t afford the ticket at this point, even if you didn’t go shopping.

She shakes her head and laughs, “you don’t owe me anything, hun! Besides, I got them for free bec-“

“Did you win a contest??” You interrupted again.

“No, I got them fr-“

“Oh! Gifted from work?” You interrupted once more. Becca then glared at you, reaching for her flip flop.

“Well! I! Could! Tell! You! If! You’d! Stop! Interrupting! Me!” She yelled, striking you on the thigh with each word. “Now hush!” She tossed her flip flop at you. Your eyes the size of dinner plates, you nodded obediently, rubbing your thigh to help with the sting. “Oh I didn’t hit you that hard. AS I WAS SAYING, I got the tickets because I’m dating one of the guards on the Lakers. We haven’t gone public with our relationship, so I can still enjoy sitting courtside without media in my face. I was able to get him to get another ticket tonight so I could take you to see a game - they’re actually pretty fun!” You nodded, processing the new information.

“Wow - you moving out here last year really changed you for the better.” You sigh, looking down at your hands.

She reaches over and places a hand on yours, sensing your change in mood, “how are you handling all of that, by the way?” You go silent for a moment, thinking over the events from the past year.

“I was able to have closure - his family is still on my side with everything. Nobody’s really heard from him since his family and I found out why he left me for her.” You let out a frustrated sigh. “But I’m hoping it’ll be easier for them and myself once I move away.” You look back down, fidgeting with your phone again.

“Where are you planning on moving to?”

“I’m hoping here - I’m gonna check out UCLA’s Marine Bio Grad program tomorrow. It was one highly recommended by my professors.”

“Well if everything works out, I could talk to the landlord of my apartment complex. He’s actually a pretty decent guy. Plus you’d be in a pretty decent location.” Becca shrugs, turning into the complex.

“And I’d be close to you?” giving her the side eye and a smirk.

“I mean I think that’s the best perk if anything! Now come on, grab your stuff and let’s get you changed so we can start the day! Race you to my place!” She says, already running for the door.

“Becca hold on, I need my ba - I DONT EVEN KNOW WHERE TO GO!” Groaning, you grab your bags, trying not to trip over yourself as you follow suit.

🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱

“I still can’t believe you wore a pantsuit, hun. I still think you should’ve worn a jersey.” Becca shakes her head as you both enter the Staples Center.

“Well, I think it’s appropriate - it’s a tint of purple AND I wanted to look nice since we’re gonna be court side. Plus lots of people will see us, even if we’re not sitting with the celebs.” You shrug, placing the blazer to drape off your shoulders.

“Hun, you do understand that court side isn’t like the VIP lounges, right?” Becca quirks an eyebrow at you.

“Meaning?” You send her a confused look.

“Meaning we will be sitting with famous people. Like there’s only one ‘court side’, hun.”

“Well now I just hope there’s not any cute celebs.” You scoff, following Becca to the seats. She grabs her seat, pointing to her left to direct you to yours. As you take your seat, you hear a conversation to your left - one that’s not in English. Your curiosity wins and you (assumingely) nonchalantly turn to see where it was coming from. Almost immediately, you make direct eye contact with the person that’ll be sitting next to you for the night -

Suga.

He gives you a small wave and smile before sitting down, you do the same to him. Once sat, you turn to Becca with a bemused look on your face, earning a small shrug from her.

“Becca, I feel I don’t deserve to sit here!!” You whisper yell through a toothy grin, earning a laugh from her.

“You’re fiiiiiiine, hun. Just enjoy the moment! Now, do you want anything to drink?”

“…Red Bull please. Flavored is preferred, but no coconut.”

“Got it!” Becca saunters off to the drink stand, leaving you alone. Already feeling warm from the arena (the anxiety wasn’t helping), you decide to slip off your blazer. You stand to drape it over the back of your seat, leaving you in a sleeveless mock turtle neck.

Suddenly, you hear a small voice from your right - one you wouldn’t have heard if they weren’t right next to you. “I’m assuming you’re a fan of The Ocean?” You look up to see Suga pointing to your right arm, sporting a sea-themed sleeve.

“Well I hope I do, seeing as I’m a Marine Biologist.” Sitting down, you instantly regret what came out of your mouth - hoping the sarcasm wouldn’t be too lost in translation.

He laughed, surprising you that he didn’t think the line was cringy. “Marine Biologist? Do you study ocean animals then?”

“Not right now - kinda hard when you live in the mid western part of the United States. Currently I’m working with more lake, river and pond life. I’m hoping to switch to more oceanic when I finish my Master’s though.”

“So you’re not from LA?” Apparently he’d caught something in your ramblings.

Shaking your head, you answer “nope, I’m visiting my friend, Becca” you pointed to her still empty seat. “I currently live in Montana.”

“Ahh okay!” He nods, “I’ve never been there, but I want to someday. I hear it’s really pretty. Also! I didn’t catch your name!” Suga gives an apologetic look as you mentally slap yourself for not introducing yourself.

“I’m y/n! I didn’t mean to come across as rude, Sug-“

“Yoongi” he interrupts. You look at him with a confused look, your brain short circuiting. “You can call me Yoongi. Also, you weren’t being rude, I was the one that caught you off guard.” He gives you a soft smile, holding out his hand to shake yours. He then introduces his manager that’s sitting off to his left. As you two finish introductions, you feel something cool press against your cheek. Grabbing the can from Becca, you thank her before you take a drink.

“Oooh! They had my favorite flavor.” Tonight may just be okay.

🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱

“How did the refs miss an obvious travel?? Like he went almost half way across the court.” It’s coming close to the end of the 2nd quarter (not period, as you were immediately corrected by both Yoongi and Becca. “Don’t mind her, she’s more of a hockey fan.” Becca leans across you to apologize, getting a smile out of him), and while you are enjoying the game, you’re also enjoying the company around you. When the three of you aren’t yelling at the refs for missing blatant calls, you would carry conversations amongst the three of you (as well as you could in a loud arena); small talk quickly turning into more personal topics. Soon, the buzzer went off; indicating the end of the quarter.

“I’m going to head to the locker room to go see my man, then grab drinks on the way back - you want another Red Bull?” Becca asks you as she’s standing up. You nod, then she heads off. At the same time, you see Yoongi’s manager leave, leaving Yoongi and yourself alone. You feel the anxiety come back to you - while you were comfortable being around Yoongi, not having Becca there to back you up was slightly intimidating. As soon as you zone out though, you’re quickly brought back by a small touch on your forearm. You look to your left to see the hand belonging to Yoongi, who was wearing a slightly concerned look. “Are you okay, y/n?”

You blink a couple times before you nod, “yes! Sorry, I tend to zone out when my anxiety gets to be a bit much.” You then let out a breath you didn’t even think you were holding.

“Is the crowd becoming a bit much for you?” He asks, hand still on your arm. You nod. He sighs, “I’m glad I’m not the only one overwhelmed.”

It’s your turn to wear the concerned look, “I’m guessing this isn’t the same as performing, is it?”

He shakes his head, “there’s a reason I’m more of a background person” he laughs nervously.

“We suffer together then?” You suggest, hating yourself again for the cringy comment. He smiles, making you feel a bit better. The announcer then comes over the arena speakers, announcing the arrival of the Laker Dancers. You both shift your attention to the dancers on the court as Mic Drop begins to play over the speakers. You see a shift in Yoongi’s demeanor, becoming more stoic, bobbing his head to the beat. When the camera spans over to him, he gives a tight smile and a wave. Once the dancers left the court, Yoongi turns back to you, going back to being relaxed. The two of you trade more conversation while waiting for the second half to start, not even noticing when Becca and his manager return to their seats.

🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱

The game is closing in on the end of the 3rd quarter. At this point, you and Yoongi aren’t paying a lot of attention to what’s going on on the court - too engrossed in your conversation. You two were so engrossed in conversation that you didn’t even notice the play stop, what was said over the speakers or Becca calling for you.

“Y/N LOOK UP!! AT THE JUMBOTRON!!” You direct your attention to the screen above you - to see yourself.

And Yoongi.

Featured on the Kiss Cam.

He must have caught it too; because if looks could kill, most of Staples Center would be gone. Instead of getting the hint that you two weren’t happy about this, the Cam stayed focused on you two for a lot longer than necessary. Becca then reached over and grabbed your face, just to plant a big kiss on your cheek. The Cam moves on, giving some much needed relief to both you and Yoongi. Once the awkwardness of the moment had passed over, both of you turned to face each other.

“I’m so sorry!!” You both blurted out at the same time.

Yoongi throws you a confused look, “why are you sorry?”

“I feel me sitting here conversing with you in The Public Eye may look questionable to those around us - I don’t want to ruin anything for you.” You quietly confessed, looking down at your hands.

Yoongi smirks, shaking his head, “if I was so worried about that, I wouldn’t have said a word to you in the first place! Besides, I was the one that started our conversation. If anything, I’m sorry you had to be put on the spot like that. I wasn’t even aware they were gonna feature me on that - not that they had a reason to anyways.”

“Well I have a small feeling somebody is gonna lose their job today.” You looked over Yoongi’s shoulder to see his Manager in a heated conversation with Lakers Staff. He looked over to his manager, then turned back to you wearing a grimace. You both began laughing, covering your mouths with your hands as an attempt to hide it.

Sometime later, the buzzer sounded, signaling the end of the game. “Do you mind waiting a bit, hun? I wanna see my man before we head out. Should only be about 15 minutes.” Becca asked, gathering her stuff. You shrug, nodding - there was no other way you would get back to her house anyways.

As she walked off, you began gathering your stuff, then turned to Yoongi. Taking a deep breath, you blurted out without thinking, “thank you for making the game a bit more enjoyable! It was really nice meeting you!” You immediately cringed at yourself, apologizing. I really need to think before I speak my dear god, you thought.

“You’re okay, y/n! I enjoyed your company too.” Yoongi gave you a small smile, causing you to smile back. There was a moment of comfortable silence between the two of you - even though the arena was still loud. “Oh! You said you were here for the weekend, are you busy tomorrow night?” Yoongi asked, breaking the silence.

“Other than I’m visiting UCLA before noon and probably going to go shopping once Becca is off work, I have nothing else planned!” Your heart began to race, you cannot believe this is happening.

“Awesome! Well we’re thinking of hitting a club downtown tomorrow evening, around 9? Would you guys want to join us? If that’s your thing, haha” Yoongi asked, looking nervous while looking for his phone.

“I would be down! Though you’d have to tell me where to go cause I no idea where that place is at.” You smile. Yoongi smiles back, looking like he let out a sigh of relief. He then hands over his phone, asking for your number.

“I’ll text you when I get back to my hotel?” He asks.

“Okay! Can you send those photos over that you took then?” You respond, Yoongi nodded in response. His manager then came back to his side, noting his departure. You two waved, sharing huge smiles. Becca soon returns to your side. “Why the big grin, hun?”

“I’ll tell you in the car!” You say, wearing a huge smile on your face, silently praying to your higher powers to not mess up this weekend.

🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱

Unknown number: Hey! It’s Yoongi! ☺️

Y/N🐙: Hey! I’m assuming you made it back to your hotel okay?

Yoongi🐈‍⬛: Yes! Only had to deal with Army’s; no paps thank goodness.

Yoongi🐈‍⬛: Did you make it home yet?

Y/N🐙: Yes - like we just pulled up to her apartment.

Y/N🐙: Also didn’t have to deal with paps 💁🏼

Yoongi🐈‍⬛: Oh thank goodness 😮‍💨

Yoongi🐈‍⬛: Attachment - 2 photos

Y/N🐙: Ooh! I like those!

Y/N🐙: Attachment - 3 photos

Yoongi🐈‍⬛: Ooh these ones are cute

Y/N🐙: Cute?? 👀

Yoongi🐈‍⬛: Like I said, wouldn’t have talked to you if I didn’t want to - wanted to cause I think you’re cute 🤷🏼‍♀️

Y/N🐙: …🤭

Y/N🐙: That’s as good of a flirty comeback as I can conjure at the moment cause it’s past my bedtime 🥲

Yoongi🐈‍⬛: I understand - it’s past mine too. I have a mid morning photo shoot tomorrow; I’ll text you in the morning?

Y/N🐙: Works for me! 😌

🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱

“What time are you going to the college?” Becca asked the next morning while she was feeding her dog, Vanya.

“I meet with the Head of the Post Grad Biology department at 11, so probs head out at 10. Will that be enough time for me to get there?” You asked, pulling up the subway schedules.

“It should be. But I’ve gotta go - I’ll be home around 4 and we can go shopping for outfits for tonight?” You nodded in response as your phone pinged, showing a new message. Becca leaned over to peek at your phone to see a message from Yoongi. “My dear Gods this man must like you enough to text you at 8 am on a Saturday!” She smirks as you try to hide the blush on your face.

“Get to work, loser. I’ll see you later!” You laugh as her and Vanya run out the door.

Yoongi🐈‍⬛: Morning! ☺️ What time are you headed to the college this morning?

Y/N🐙: Morning!! I meet with the Department Head at 11, so I’m headed out a bit before 10!

Y/N🐙: What time is your shoot?

Yoongi🐈‍⬛: It starts at 9 - thankfully I’m not having to go far cause I’m not even awake enough to order the right coffee this morning

Y/N🐙: Speaking of, I should probs make sure my route to the college includes a coffee stop. I’m still dealing with jet lag.

Yoongi🐈‍⬛: You’re preaching to the choir, Y/N.

Yoongi🐈‍⬛: Aish, my manager is calling for me, I’ll give you a call after I’m done with the shoot!

Y/N🐙: Okay! Have fun! ☺️

After finishing breakfast, you changed into a simple pair of Khakis, a hunter green blouse and white vans. Donning a simple make up look, you completed the look with a simple ballet bun. Throwing on your AirPods, you headed out the door, making your trek towards the Subway station and hopefully some coffee.

🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱

“MIss L/N, I feel you would be an excellent addition to the Master’s Marine Bio Program! We could use a new Reseaarch Lab manager as well - plus you’d get credit for working.” You’d spent the last hour with the Department Head, him chatting your ear off. You’d grown more excited about attending; the lab job making the deal more enticing. Off hand, you’d mentioned your earlier lab work with your professor; the name immediately catching the Dept Head’s ear. “I thought I’d seen you were coming from MSUB! I had the honor of working with your Animal Bio professor years ago! Still love his research on scorpions - fascinating work.” You nod, having worked on it as your first lab project. Walking back to his office, he’d asked if there were any questions you’d had.

“Yes! I’d heard that Research Diving would be added to the curriculum - when is that happening?” You’d just finished your SCUBA certification for the subject - might as well use it.

“This next school year - right when you’d be starting if you enrolled by the end of next month!” You nodded, seriously contemplating applying. He handed you a business card, mention to email him once you had enrolled - if you choose to. You place the card in your wallet, standing to shake hands. Once you were out of his office, almost out of the building, you’d decided to check your phone. You look to see 3 messages from Yoongi, 2 from Becca and the Family Group Chat flooded with messages. Ignoring the group chat, you see that Becca is stuck working a double and won’t be able to join tonight. Internally cursing, you reply that it’s okay and you’d probably see her later tonight or in the morning. You then check the messages from Yoongi; 2 of them complaining about the shoot, and one asking if you were still at the college. You decide to call him instead.

“Hey, Y/N!” Yoongi picks up after 2 rings.

“Hey, Yoongi! I just saw your text messages; I just finished the college tour! Also, sorry about the shoot being so boring.”

“It’s no problem, but I was wondering if you’d have time to do lunch right now? I’m near the college and there’s a small restaurant nearby that I frequent anytime I’m in town.”

“Sure! I’m free for the afternoon. Can you send me the address?”

“Of course! Do you need a ride there?” You hear the text notification and check the address on Maps.

“Nah, it’s a block outside the campus - I can be there in 20 max!” Thank goodness you didn’t wear heels.

“Okay! I’ll meet you there then!” Hanging up the phone and putting your AirPods in, you began the trek to the restaurant. I’m really getting my steps in today I guess, you thought.

As you approach your destination, you pull out your phone to see if Yoongi is here yet (you’d made it in 10 minutes instead of 20), when you suddenly get a text notification from him.

Yoongi🐈‍⬛: You know, that was one of my favorite songs to perform live - wish we could’ve performed it more than once.

Y/N🐙: …wut

Yoongi🐈‍⬛: UGH! It’s one of my favorites.

Yoongi🐈‍⬛: Also, it’s not good to listen to your music that loud.

Y/N🐙: …you’re scaring me

You feel a tap on your shoulder, so you quickly spin around and nearly give the perp, Yoongi, The Elbow. Pulling out one of your headphones, you shout “DONT DO THAAAAAT YOU SCARED ME!” wearing a frightened look. Yoongi was wearing a mischievous smile in return, which then made you glare at him.

He laughs, “I am so sorry - I just saw an open opportunity and took it!”

“I could’ve hurt you though!!”

“I don’t think you would’ve cause that much damage - now follow me!” He quickly changes the subject and you follow him into the restaurant, which happened to be Tradtional Korean. The older lady at the host stand looked up and her face lit up as soon as she saw Yoongi.

“Yoongi!! It’s been a while! How are you doing??” Yoongi bows to her, you follow in respect.

“Hae Won-nim, hello! It has been a while! Everything is going well! You have room for two more in here?” Yoongi jokes, looking around the crowded restaurant. Hae Won chuckles, giving the two of you a huge smile.

“Of course I do! I’ll have you and your friend follow me this way.” She then glanced over at you, putting emphasis on the word ‘friend’. Following the two, you decided not to put too much thought into it. Once sitting and handed menus, Yoongi helped you order (you asked him if there was something not too spicy; or at least milk to help with the spiciness), then filed you in on how the shoot went. You updated him on your decision for college; having chosen to apply to UCLA. When the meals came out, a comfortable silence enveloped the two of you; even with a busy restaurant.

“Ooooh Becca is gonna LOVE this for her after work meal! Thank you again, Yoongi.” You beam, happily full from lunch. Yoongi and you are wandering around the neighborhood, still in-depth with the conversation you were having at lunch. As you were meandering, you’d passed by a Record Shop - Yoongi insisted you both stop in. Which it’s a good thing you did - you were able to finally get your hands on some B-Side 7-inches from Slipknot and Foo Fighters.

“I’m taking it you’re a vinyl collector?” Yoongi inquires, chuckling as you dove head first into the vinyl section.

“…yes. It’s a soft spot of mine. My ex used to complain about how many I had, so I stopped buying any for a while. Now that I don’t have to worry about his opinion, I’m going a bit crazy with it. Besides, I have a lot of catching up to do.” Fishing out your vinyl list on your phone, you show it to him.

“You were not joking. But no BTS?” Yoongi looks in surprise.

“I already have what’s available on vinyl. But it’d be cool if you’d release Map of the Soul 7. And maybe Young Forever?” Tilting your head to the side, you smile and wiggle your eyebrows.

“…I’ll see what I can do.” Yoongi repsonds, smirking as he shakes his head.

After letting time slip from the both of you, Yoongi walks you back to the subway station. “Are you still on for tonight?” He asks as you reach the station.

“Yes! Though Becca won’t be joining - apparently she’s stuck working.” You sigh.

“That’s too bad - but I’m happy you can still join. I’ll have a driver come pick you up from her place at 9 - I’ll need you to send me the address.” You nod, sending it over to him.

“Well, I had fun, Yoongi. Thank you again for lunch - and the vinyls! I’ll see you tonight!” You open your arms to hug him, and thankfully he did the same. After holding each other for what feels like forever, you both let go. You look down at his lips,he does the same. Just as the both of you were moving in closer, the subway is pulling up, screeching to a halt. The announcer calls for your destination over the intercom, signaling its your time to leave. Sighing, you gather your stuff and head for the open doors. Before you board on, you turn to Yoongi, waving and yelling “I’ll see you tonight!!”, almost tripping as you enter the car. Yoongi giggles, shaking his head with a smile.

🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱

“I need to see your ID, please”, the bouncer outside the door asks. You hand him your ID, noting to him that you’re supposed to meet somebody in the VIP area. Checking his list and your name, he confirms you, letting you in. “He’s in the third booth on the left, just so you know.” You thank him as you head up the stairs. You immediately notice Yoongi within the crowd; he must have been watching the door. You immediately rush over to him, being enveloped in a bear hug before you can say anything.

“Hey, Y/N! I was just about to grab drinks - come with me!” Yoongi weaves his arm through yours, pulling you towards the bar. Once up to the bar, he ordered a neat whiskey for himself and a blueberry Red Bull for you. “This outfit is a 180 from this afternoon!” He points out, giving your outfit a once over. You’d ditched the khaki outfit for a pleather mini skirt, black bralette, mesh top, fishnets and Dr. Martens.

“Well I wanted to go with something more…comfortable.” You smirk, moving closer to Yoongi.

“Well, I think this outfit looks amazing on you.” He wraps an arm around your waist, pulling you closer. You blush, biting your lower lip and look away. It’s Yoongi’s turn to smirk, passing you your drink. He offers his hand, which you take, and leads you over to the booth; where you’re introduced to some of his friends.

“So, did you want to go dance?” Yoongi asked, tilting his head towards the dance floor. You nod, following him out. Once you two are towards the center of the floor, Yoongi grabs your waist from behind, pulling you into his chest. As you two start dancing, all you can hear is the music and Yoongi’s soft, deep voice. One song turns into a few; simple dancing turns into sensual grinding. Yoongi is leaving small kisses and nips on the back of your neck; each one shooting sensations down to your core. You reach back, looping your arms around his neck as he pulls you flush with his front. You can feel his hard on, so you begin to tease him more, eliciting a low growl from him.

As another song ends, he pulls you back to the booth and before you can even try to sit next to him, he pulls you into his lap; your back to his chest and legs hooked around his. The implied dominance turns you on even more. As he is talking to his buddies, his gorgeous hands sit on your thighs, playing with the strings of the fish nets. While you nonchalantly carry on conversation with those around you, you shifted in his lap, eliciting another low growl. His hands begin to go higher up your legs, almost under the mini skirt. You look over your shoulder to try and catch his eye - he’s enveloped in a conversation next to you. You ‘readjust’ in his lap again, trying to catch his attention - he moves one hand dangerously close to your core. You sharply inhale, trying to pull your skirt hem down a bit. You feel Yoongi’s lips on the tip of your ear, “you best behave, baby.” Your face and ears feel like they’re on fire - his fingers brushing over your bare folds, making you inhale sharply again. He stops his movement, pulling his hand from you skirt. “Let’s go dance again.” He pulls you from his lap, then grabs your hand, dragging you across the dance floor before you can even register what’s going on.

On the other side of the dance floor, in a dark corner, sat a couple private rooms. Yoongi opened a door, made sure nobody was in there, then pulled you in. He slammed the door shut, then pinned you against the door with your hands over your head. With the hand on your thigh, he pushes your skirt up, resting his hand on your hip. He leans close to your ear again, speaking in a deep voice that made you even more wet. “First, you come here looking irresistible” his hand moves to your core. “Secondly, you feel the need to tease me” he finger slides along your slit, eliciting a small moan from you. “And the final strike, you’re not wearing panties?” He beings to play with your clit before inserting a finger into your pussy. “Y/N, I thought you were a good girl?” A second finger joins, causing you to moan even louder.

Gathering yourself for a moment, you look up at Yoongi. “I AM a good girl! Most of the time.” You smirked. Yoongi stopped his ministrations, pulling his fingers from you. The two of you lock eyes and Yoongi grabs your face, hungrily kissing you while pinning your body with his to the door. Letting out a moan, he takes the chance to explore your mouth with his tongue. Wrapping your arms around his neck, you grab his hair at the nape and slightly pull, causing him to growl and bite your bottom lip. He begins to kiss your jaw line, making his way down your neck and finally making purchase at the junction of your neck and collar bone. He sucks a mark there, drawing another moan from you. “I honestly don’t think I could ever get tired of that sound” Yoongi begins to kneel, propping a leg on his shoulder. “Now, let’s hear how you sound when I do this-“ licking a strip from the bottom of your slit to your clit, causing you to moan out his name. “Fuck, baby; you sound AND taste AMAZING.” Yoongi moans against your clit, causing you to moan as well. He dove in, lapping at your hole like a starved man. He soon moved his tongue up to your clit, inserting two fingers into your hole. You started feeling your core tightening when he found your sensitive spot, your hand immediately grabbing onto his hair.

“F-f-fuuuck, Yoongi. I’m close!” Your thighs begin to tremble, causing him to hook your other leg over his shoulder. He inserted a third finger into you, eliciting his name from your lips again.

“Baby, cum for me; let me have a taste.” As if you were a puppet under his control, your orgasm washed over you while Yoongi lapped up your cum from your pussy, not letting a drop go to waste. He kept lapping at you after you came down, causing you to pull him away due to overstimulation. Yoongi then adjusts your mini skirt, standing to meet your slightly fucked out gaze with his own. He then gently cradled your chin, kissing you softly. Breaking the kiss, he leaned his forehead against yours, releasing a deep, but content, sigh. “Would you like to continue this at my hotel room?” His eyes felt like they were looking into your soul at this point; but you couldn’t look away either. With a big smile and a glint in your eye, you say in a small voice:

“Yes. Please.”

🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱

The hotel room door isn’t even fully shut before you two were all over one another, a trail of clothing following the two of you while making your way to the bedroom. Once fully stripped, Yoongi lifted you under your thighs and placed you on the bed. As he hovered over you, he gazed down at your figure - your hair fanned over the pillow, eyes dilated and bottom lip bitten. To him, you were the most beautiful thing on earth. He leaned down, placing a chaste kiss on your lips, “baby, I don’t think I have condoms with me, I cou-“

You quickly interrupted him, “as long as you’re clean, I’m good. Had my check up a couple weeks ago and I’m in the clear, plus haven’t hooked up with anybody since my ex. Also, am on the pill religiously, so if you’re good to go, so am I.”

Yoongi looks at you with his signature gummy smile, “fuck, baby.” His lips find your sensitive spot on your neck immediately, sucking another mark there. His hands glide south gently along your curves, then onto your inner thighs, touching just enough to send sparks up your spine and to your pussy. As his fingers lightly touch your folds, his mouth begins to move to your chest, capturing a nipple with it. He then plunges two fingers into you, “still so wet for me, baby.”

“Yoongi, fuuuuck”, still slightly sensitive from the orgasm before, you feel yourself coming to the edge a bit quicker than usual. He moves from one nipple to the other, using his fingers to scissor you pussy wider. “I’m gonna cu-“ Yoongi then pulled his fingers out, leaving you on edge. Your eyes grew big and you let out a strained whine, completely astonished at what he just pulled.

“I want you to cum on my cock, can you be a good girl and do that for me?” He asks as he sticks his fingers into your mouth, having you taste yourself. You nod, then he pulls his fingers from your mouth, pumping his thick cock before he slid the tip along your pussy lips a couple times to collect some of your arousal. He wraps your legs around his waist, then began to slowly enter you. He leaned over to trap your lips and the loud moan that they would inevitably release as he filled you to the hilt.

“Fuuuuck, I already feel so full”, you moan out. Yoongi’s cock was probably the biggest you’d taken, the stretch causing a little pain, but it was immediately blocked by the immense pleasure. Just from him entering you, you already felt you were gonna cum.

“Ahhh, Y/N baby, I can already feel you clenching around me. You gonna cum already?” Thrust. “My cock feel that good, baby?” Thrust. “You even look fucked out already, can’t even answer me!” Thrust. “Cum for me, baby - now.” You then let go on command, feeling your core unravel as Yoongi continued to thrust through your comedown. He then took your legs up, pushing the back of your thighs to bring your legs down to your chest - putting you in a mating press.

As he began to pump into you again, you looked down at where you two connected. “Oh my god, right there, Yoongi. FUCK.” He was hitting that spot again, better than last time. Your brain was starting to turn cock-drunk; all you could think of was the pure pleasure Yoongi was giving you as you looked down again.

“Ohhh, you like seeing my cock split this pretty pussy, don’t you? This. Pretty. Pussy. Feels. Amazing. Like. It’s. MADE. For. Me.” He punctuated each word with a thrust, his hands pushing your legs wider so he could see more of you. “Fuck, Y/N, I’m getting close. Gonna fill this pretty pussy full of me - gonna make it mine.” He brought a thumb to you clit, drawing figure eights to bring you to his level again. You were a bumbling mess; not even able to form words or thoughts as you were getting close. Just as your orgasm hit for the third time tonight, your clenching triggered his release, painting your walls white. After a couple thrusts to get out all the semen, Yoongi then collapsed on top of you, still inside. Both of you took a moment to catch your breath, staring deep into each other. Yoongi smiled, kissing your nose, then bringing his forehead to yours. “You okay, babe?” You smile and nodded, still feeling slightly fuzzy. As he softened, he pulled out, watching some of your mixed cum leak out. Letting out a content sigh, he stood up, picking you up bridal style. “Come on - let’s get cleaned up.”

Once out of the shower; which included you being fucked on the wall from behind (his excuse: Not my fault all of you is irresistible). You got dressed in one of his shirts and a pair of his boxers, then went to grab water as he got dressed as well. As you hand him his water, Yoongi notices a glint of a worried look on your face. Putting a finger under your chin to have you make eye contact, he asks, “penny for your thoughts?” You sigh, contemplating just saying no. But you couldn’t, as it immediately bugged you.

“Do I need to have Becca pick me up? And if so, do you want her to do it soon or earlier in the morning? I mean I don’t want to cause any dra-“ Yoongi pulls you into an intense kiss, shutting you up immediately.

“Y/N, baby, you worry too much. I want you to stay the night and I’ll take you back tomorrow when we both feel like it. Maybe we’ll get brunch first or something like that. I would like to get as much time with you as I can before I leave.” You left as though a weight was off your shoulders as you smile at him. After finishing your waters, you both head to bed, lying on Yoongi’s chest. His steady heartbeat, breathing and his fingers combing your hair helped you fall asleep. Yoongi then softly cradled your cheek, placing a kiss on your head. I hope to be able to see you again, baby, he thought as he drifted off to sleep.

🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱

Waking up the next morning, you and Yoongi decide to go to a small cafe a couple blocks from his hotel. After orders are placed and juices are brought to the table, he grabs your hands with his. You look up at him and he asks, “So since you’re going to UCLA, when are you moving here?”

“I will probably move here next month, depending on when the apartment next to Becca’s is ready to go. Why?”

“Well, somebody has to help you move - that somebody being me.” he kissed your knuckles.

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A/N pt 2: This legit was sitting in my drafts for almost a month because writing the not smut part was harder than it needed to be 🥴

[jessicaloons]

Chapter 11:

‘Cause it’s all over, it’s not meant to be…

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"I’ll be back at the end of January, you’ll have almost 6 weeks! And I want you to keep everything in mind. Do your exercises, mediation, eat the right stuff. And really eat it, I want that blood test regularly. But above all, speak to your family, to Charles. Tell them the truth, Liz. Maybe not everything. But at least some parts. Okay?" JK said and I nodded.

"I will, I promise! And thank you, really JK! Without you I never would’ve made it this far!" I said and hugged him "Enjoy your time at home! Have a safe trip! And send some pictures!"

"I will Liz! Go now, I don’t want you to catch a cold! Oh and don’t forget to schedule your appointments with Christian!" he ushered me inside and with one last smile I walked through the door and quietly closed it behind me. It was quiet in the house. Given the early time, no wonder. I took my shoes off and rolled my suitcase to the side. I inhaled deeply, it smelled like pine wood, cinnamon, orange and ginger bread. The typical smell of Christmas at home. The house was beautifully decorated, Mum went all out, probably because the Leclercs were coming as well. I walked upstairs into my room. I missed it. They kept everything the way it was when I was leaving. Just that Mum changed the bedding. I opened my closet, grabbed one of Charles' oversized hoodies and a pair of leggins and made my way into the bathroom, trying to make as little sound as possible. I quickly washed myself a little and changed into my fresh clothes. Back in my room I decided to lay down for a bit, it was only 5:30 in the morning, until everyone was awake it would take a while. Just as I snuggled into the bed, I heard a car outside, it sounded like whoever it was, was driving really slow down the street, as to not wake anyone up, but I knew the sound of that engine all to well and as the car stopped seemingly in front of our house, I was sure. Charles.

I sat up and looked out of my window and there he was, parking in our driveway, engine off, lights out and head leaned back into the headrest. But it didn’t look like he would get out. I waited for another 5 minutes but Charles didn’t move. Was he going to sleep in the car? I quietly walked down the stairs, put on some boots, unlocked the front door and walked out into the cold. Straight to Charles' car, he didn’t see me coming, eyes closed, so I gently knocked on his window and he jumped up. I smirked at him and he unlocked the car, but before he could get out, I walked around the car and got into the passenger seat. Silence. Charles looked at me. I looked ahead.

"Ma belle, I am so sorry! Please, believe me when I say that it wasn’t easy at all, reading your messages and not answering them immediately! Please, please, please believe me! My heart almost broke every time I received a new text! JK said it’s the best for you and I would’ve done everything to help you! Please believe me!" he said and I slowly turned to him, his eyes glassy, he hesitated as he reached for my hand but I didn’t pull it away and he gently grabbed it "I’m so sorry!" his voice was hoarse and he looked at me, pleading.

"But why didn’t you text me after I told you that I knew about it? After I told you that you hurt me?" I whispered, looking at my hand in his.

"What? No… no! I did! Immediately as I got the message I answered you! Told you how hard it was to ignore you! That it broke my heart and that I’m so incredibly sorry! I sent it right before we took off!" he said hastily and I looked up at him "As soon as I was able to switch on my phone again in Bahrain, I checked it for an answer from you, but there was nothing… so I thought you were ghosting me now, not that I didn’t deserve it… but still. I thought it was your decision to answer me again whenever you feel ready!"

"I didn’t receive it…" I said and Charles looked at me confused. "I sent you the text and waited for an explanation, but you didn’t reply… I thought that it was maybe because of…" I began but Charles was frantically looking through his phone as he paled visibly, he looked up at me "What?"

"The message… it’s not sent… it didn’t get through…" he whispered and looked at me guilty "I am so sorry, ma belle! I’m just so, so sorry!" he shook his head and looked down in his lap. I sighed and leaned back, putting the seatbelt on "What are you doing?"

"You know Dad’s rules! When you come back home early in the morning on a Sunday…" I began and Charles chuckled.

"… make sure to stop at a bakery for fresh bread rolls and pretzels!" he finished the sentence and put his seatbelt on as well "But it’s not even 6? You think they’re open already?"

"Most of them open at 6, we should be good. Now come on, I’ll guide you!" I said and he started the engine "Oh damn, we should’ve taken my car!"

"I’m not driving in your Mini! Nope, way too small!" he complained and backed out of the driveway.

"Oh come on! You love him!" I chuckled and Charles sighed.

"I never understood why you and Seb had to give your cars names! They’re cars!" he mumbled as I signaled him to make a left turn.

"You asked Arthur if he hurt your girl, when he nudged me and I bumped into your car only a little!" I laughed and Charles blushed a little "Turn left here. Alright look, they're just opening up!"

20 minutes later we walked quietly into the open kitchen and were greeted with a huge Christmas tree, beautifully decorated.

"Wow, Mum really went all out!" I whispered and Charles smiled "Come on, let’s set the table and prepare as much as possible, then head to bed for a little sleep."

"Aye, aye, Captain!" he saluted mockingly and I rolled my eyes. We set the table, put the paper bags with the fresh baked goods into a basket. And quietly walked up into my room, at the door Charles stopped.

"What?" I asked him and he shrugged a little.

"You didn’t want to share a bed with me for months… I can sleep in the guest room?" he answered a little shyly. I grabbed his hand and pulled him through my door and closed it behind us.

"Your mum will get the guest room, Enzo and Arthur will get the office and you are stuck with me. But yeah, you’re right… it’s still not okay… so umm, take the sofa? Maybe?" I said and nodded to the sofa in the corner.

"Yeah, that’ll do…" he answered and I opened my closet and took out a linen sheet, a pillow and a blanket, then I spread the sheet over the sofa and placed the pillow and blanket on it.

"Alright, I still have some clothes from you here…" I nodded to the side of the closet with some of his clothes and he nodded, then picked out a gray t-shirt and black sweatpants.

"I’ll get my suitcase later. And I’ll carry yours upstairs as well…" he said and turned around and changed. No matter how many times I saw Charles’ naked back, it always made me hot. His thick neck, wide shoulders, strong back muscles and slim waist. As he turned around I blushed a little and cleared my throat.

"That would be amazing, thank you Charles!" I mumbled and climbed into my bed "Now come on! I’d say until everyone is awake, we have at least 2 or 3 hours of sleep we could get." I snuggled into my pillows and blankets and Charles did the same. After a while I chuckled.

"What?" Charles mumbled and I saw his head slightly turn into my direction.

"Why are you here so early and did you seriously plan on sleeping in the car?" I asked.

"I left Maranello kinda in a rush and well… yeah it was too early to ring the doorbell!" he chuckled, although he sounded nervous somehow.

"Oh Charlie bear, have you forgotten that you don’t need a key for the door? Only your finger print!" I laughed and Charles sighed.

"Oh damn… yeah I kinda forgot about that!" he laughed as well "But yeah, it would be kinda weird just getting in here when everyone’s asleep and I don’t know…"

"You know that that wouldn’t be a problem!" I yawned and closed my eyes.

"Yeah maybe, now sleep! You’re tired…" he whispered and before I could say anything I was fast asleep.

I woke up from Charles' phone constantly buzzing, a minute later he began to stir.

"Who would call this early on a Sunday morning?" he groaned and took his phone "What?" he answered it harshly "Oh, hi, umm yeah I arrived. You what? No, no that’s not okay! No! Camille? I told you… no! There is no space! I told you I’d be in Monaco on the 30th and then… no… ugh Camille, please it’s way too early for this now! I will call you later! Cancel that flight. I’m not discussing this with you. If you board the flight, good luck finding a way back home, I’m not picking you up… you don’t know where Lizzie lives. I’m done with this. I will call you later. No. No. Good… bye." he sounded mad and his French was almost too fast for me to understand. I looked at him and waited for him to talk, but he just pulled the blanket over his head and groaned loudly.

"You know, you could’ve just invited her? I would’ve slept at Sissy’s pull out sofa and you and Camille could’ve had my room? Mum and Dad would surely be okay…" I began but Charles pulled the blanket away.

"Absolutely not! This is Christmas! Our Christmas! And she… she’s not a part of the family! And we wanted to have a family Christmas! I didn’t invite her for a reason!" Charles looked at me and I just nodded "I want to spend time with you and not her… I haven’t seen you for more than a month…"

"Okay, Charlie bear… come on. I think the others are awake!" I nodded and got up, internally thanking him for not inviting her.

As we walked down the stairs I could hear my parents, Sissy and Liam wondering who set up the table.

"That would be us…" I said, walking through the door and they all flinched.

"Lizziiiiieeeee!" Liam shrieked and jumped off the chair and ran straight up to me, but he abruptly stopped in front of me "Hug?" he almost whispered and I bent down, hoisting him up in my arms and he giggled as he buried his face in the crook of my neck "I missed you sooooo much!" he whispered and I kissed his cheek.

"I missed you too!" I said.

"I missed you three!" Charles behind me said and Liam looked up.

"Charlie!!!" he almost jumped out of my arms, straight into Charles, who happily hugged him tight "I missed you too, Charlie!"

"When did you guys arrive?" Dad asked and hugged me. "It’s so good to see you, this healthy and strong little owl!" he whispered and then he kissed my temple.

"I don’t know? Around 4, half past 4 JK dropped me off and not even an hour later Charles arrived!" I answered and hugged Mum, who had tears in her eyes.

"Oh my beautiful girl. Look at you!" she sobbed and I laughed.

"Why are you crying? I’m good! More than good!" I laughed and she just shook her head and kissed my cheek.

"The last time we saw you, you couldn’t walk without crutches, you idiot!" Sissy laughed and hugged me. I rolled my eyes and looked at Charles, who still held Liam in his arms, hugging Mum and Dad, then Sissy.

"We thought you were coming with the rest this afternoon." Dad said to Charles.

"Yeah well, I decided to drive straight here from Maranello instead of home and then flying." Charles shrugged his shoulders and Dad nodded.

"At least you followed the rules." Sissy laughed and pointed at the paper bags from the bakery.

"We knew, we’d be in trouble if not." Charles laughed and tickled Liam a little "What’s going on, Bubba? You turned into a little monkey?"

"He, umm he’s a little sad…" Sissy whispered and I looked at her "So his nursery school had this Christmas party yesterday, but Liam wasn’t allowed to go… he had some trouble with some of the other kids…"

"What did they do?" Charles and I said at the same time and Mum and Dad chuckled, as they grabbed the rest of the food from the fridge.

"He wanted to play with one of the boys, he seemed to like him, they played and all was fine but then the boy wanted them to play with some other kids as well… and yeah he didn’t get along with them and it got a little heated." Sissy explained and Liam only hugged Charles tighter.

"They were mean and I didn’t like them and when the older boy didn’t stop saying mean things to me, I pushed him. He fell and hit his arm and then he cried." Liam whispered.

"What did he say to you?" I asked him but he just shook his head "How much older is he?"

"I’m in the mice group, he’s in the bear group…" he answered and Charles' nose scrunched up adorably.

"What does that mean?" he asked, confused .

"Kids in the mice group are the youngest, 1.5-3 years old, cheetahs are between 3 and 4.5 and bears are around 4.5 to 6 years old." Sissy explained and Charles nodded.

"So one of the older kids picks on him, he defends himself and then he’s not allowed to go to the Christmas party?" I summarised and Liam nodded "That’s unfair!"

"It is what it is…" Sissy said and we sat down, Liam not moving away from Charles.

"I’d say we throw our own bigger and even better Christmas party then!" I said and Charles tickled Liam and he giggled.

"How does that sound, little monkey?" Charles asked and Liam nodded "Then it’s settled."

"That is Chase! He’s the leader of the pups! No Ryder is the leader but Chase also! Because he’s the police dog! And that is Marshall, he’s the firefighter dog! He’s also cool but Chase is my favourite! Oh and that is Rubble, Skye oh oh and Rocky!" Liam was full of enthusiasm when he explained to Charles the different characters in his new favourite show, Paw Patrol, a Christmas edition playing on the tv. Both boys on the sofa, Liam sitting in Charles lap and both cuddled up under a blanket. I was watching them when I helped Mum and Sissy prepare some snacks for the evening, when Pascale, Lorenzo and Arthur arrived.

"He really missed you, both of you… he was talking all the time about you! And how many times did I find him hiding in your room!" my sister told me and I smiled, I missed him as well. Although I loved both of my nephews equally, Liam living here with us since he was born, seeing him almost daily, brought us so much closer than me and Benji, who I only saw every other week, due to the fact that Marcus lived in Munich. And not seeing Liam for more than 3 months was really hard and I was more than happy to be back again.

"I missed him as well, that’s why I plan on spending as much time as possible with him."

"Then go ahead and start now with it. We’re done here and I have to wrap up the last gifts!" Mum said and washed her hands, Sissy nodded and did the same.

"Alright, then I’d say I watch Paw Patrol as well!" I dried my hands off at the towel Mum handed me and walked over to the boys.

"Is there some space left for me?" I asked and Charles held up his arm and I sat next to him, snuggling into his side as Liam stretched his hand out for me to take "So Charles? Who is your favourite?"

Liam looked up at him, awaiting his answer.

"I have to say Chase! He’s a police dog! He has a gun that shoots tennis balls and a net! He is pretty cool!" he answered and Liam nodded enthusiastically "And who is your favourite character?"

"Easy! Ryder, he’s cute!" I laughed and Liam made a disgusted face.

"Eww… he’s only 10!" Charles whispered and I laughed.

"He’s not cute! He’s a fearless leader!" Liam wasn’t happy with my answer "You have to pick a dog!"

"Okay, okay! Who is that? The Husky?" I asked.

"That’s Everest!" Liam explained.

"She’s my favourite because I love Huskies!" I answered and Liam nodded.

"Good choice!" he said and Charles chuckled.

"Very good choice, ma belle!" he said and I just smiled and watched the Paw Patrol save Christmas.

I saw Charles checking his phone, for the tenth time in the last couple of minutes, he tensed up a little and sighed. It seemed like Camille didn’t stop asking him to invite her over. I was about to say something as he gently nudged Liam and sat him down next to him.

"Lizzie, we need to talk… umm alone?" he almost whispered and I looked at him curiously.

"Sure? Everything alright?" I asked and got up, walking to the stairs, but he didn’t answer, he just followed me upstairs.

In my room I sat down on my bed as he was pacing back and forth in front of me.

"Charles? What’s going on?" I asked him and he stopped, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. He sat down next to me, taking my hand in his.

"I left Maranello last night in a rush, because I found something out… I was mad, no, furious, but I couldn’t do anything about it…" he began as I got the notification that I received a new email on my phone and he sighed "That email… it’s from Massimo and Mattia… it’s about your involvement in the FDA… they umm… they-"

"They kicked me out." I finished his sentence and he looked up at me.

"How did you know?" his voice was almost a whisper.

"In the first weeks after the accident, they regularly checked in on me. But it got less and less and now they haven’t checked in on me for more than a month… so yeah, I just figured they would kick me out." I answered and looked down.

"I’m so sorry, ma belle! I told them that it’s a mistake and totally unfair but they wouldn’t listen to me…" he said and pulled me in a tight embrace.

"It’s not your fault, Charlie. It’s okay. I will get along without them." I whispered and he nodded.

"And I will help you as much as I can! They will regret kicking you out!" he said and I chuckled.

"Thank you, for telling me, and not finding out through an email!" I said.

"They will post a statement as well…" he groaned and I sighed.

"Didn’t expect anything less from them."

The real party began when the rest of the Leclercs arrived in the evening. After the shock of me being sacked by the FDA, some harsh words from Dad, Lorenzo and Arthur against the FDA and Ferrari and some comforting words from Mum and Pascale we finally all sat together for a long time, playing board games, telling old and new stories, laughing and even singing together. I looked at Charles to see that he was typing away on his phone, looking annoyed.

"What’s going on, Charlie?" I asked him quietly and he sighed.

"Just some people asking me about the FDA thing." he said and put his phone back into his pocket.

"Stop thinking about it, it’s okay!" I reassured him and squeezed his arm. It was not okay, I really thought I could count on their support, but I was clearly wrong. It hurt that they seemed to lost faith in me, but it only motivates me more to show them that they made a huge mistake.

"Come on, Liam, time for bed!" Sissy got up but Liam protested.

"No! I wanna stay up longer! Pleaaaseee Mami!" he whined but she shook her head.

"Little man, you’re already way past your bedtime! Up we go!" she said, mastering her mum voice.

"That is so unfair! What a shit!" he cursed and I almost choked on my tea.

"Liam!" Sissy exclaimed shocked and I had to do my best to not burst into laughter, looking around the table I wasn’t the only one, Dad drinking hastily from his beer, Lorenzo doing the same with his wine, Arthur fake yawning covering his mouth with his hand, Charles just tried really hard to look as normal as possible.

"What? It’s a shit!" Liam said again and got up, I let out a mix between laughter, coughing and clearing my throat.

"Stop saying that!" Sissy reprimanded him but he just rolled his eyes and I lost it, bursting out laughing "You’re the worst!" Sissy looked at me disapprovingly. But as Dad and Arthur broke as well she just sighed "Great. Just great." she shook her head "Say good night to the traitors!"

"Hey! I didn’t do anything!" Charles next to me said, voice so thin from holding his breath so long, Sissy just glared at him before she chuckled herself a little. Liam made it around the table, hugging all of us good night.

"Good night, Bubba. Tomorrow I’ll teach you to say it in Italian and French, so Mami can’t reprimand you again!" I chuckled and kissed his cheek and he giggled.

"I’d say I can help you with that, your Italian isn’t the best!" Charles whispered and Liam hugged him even tighter "Good Night my little monkey!" with a last kiss on his forehead he walked off, taking his mothers outstretched hand.

The next few days we all spent together, playing more board games, cooking together, having a snowball fight as it finally began to snow heavily. It was the day before Christmas Eve, Dad, Lorenzo, Arthur and Liam playing in the garden, competing who made the better snowman. Mum, Pascale and Sissy were out for a last trip of grocery shopping for the next few days and Charles and I stood in the kitchen, baking batch after batch of plain cookies, for us all to decorate later.

"Oh come on! It’s going to be fun! Joris is there, Riccardo and Marta, Antonio is coming as well! A bunch of other people that you know!" Charles said as I rolled out the dough.

"I don’t know Charles… I’m back after such a long time, I don’t want to leave again this fast!" I said and he used the different cookie cutters.

"It’s just for 6 days and then we’re flying anyway to Thailand! So come on! Please! Not celebrating the new year with you last time felt so wrong!" he said and I scoffed.

"Yeah?" I said and he looked at me with big eyes.

"Yeah! It did! So please! Please! We’re leaving on the 30th and on the 4th we’re already off!" he took my hands in his, smiling at me.

"I’m just… I’m just afraid I am ruining it, if I get sick because of the boat bla bla you know I’m getting dizzy and lightheaded real fast since… so yeah. I don’t know…" I sighed.

"There’s a cabin, just for you, if you feel dizzy or anything just tell me and we go there for you to calm down! I promise!" he almost pleaded and I swallowed hard before I nodded "Is that a yes?"

"Yes! It’s a yes…" I mumbled and he hugged me!

"Thank you so much, ma belle!" he whispered.

"But Charlie, you seriously need to stop calling me that… don’t look at me like that! In front of Camille at least! It probably hurts her, so please stop…" I’ve seen the way she looked at me, sending me death glares, whenever he used it in front of her. I don’t need that on a boat, in the middle of the ocean.

"Ugh, fine! I’ll try my best!" he said and I nodded thankfully, one reason less for her to be nasty to me, hopefully she will be busy with her friends and will ignore me. Being on a boat with her made me more than anxious. I was deep in my thoughts as the timer reminded us of the current tray full of cookies in the oven. I walked over and looked at them, then opened the door deciding they’re done and grabbing the tray without thinking.

"Lizzie! Oven mitts!" Charles shouted, but before I could register it I already touched the tray and hissed in pain.

"Fuck!" I exclaimed and flinched. Fingertips of my index and middle finger burning like crazy, throbbing pain erupting. Charles was next to me in an instant, grabbed the tray with oven mitts and put it next to the oven on the counter, then closed the oven and turned back around to me. He gently pulled me to the sink, holding my burned fingers under the cold water stream. I let out a small whimper when the stream hit my fingers and held my breath.

"Breathing, ma belle." Charles whispered and I nodded. He walked over to the fridge and rummaged around in it, then opened the cabinet next to it and pulled out a box putting his collectibles on the countertop of the kitchen island.

"Alright, let me see." he stepped next to me and looked at my fingertips, both sporting an angry red burn mark. He switched the water off and gently patted my fingertips dry with a towel, he nudged my shoulder and I followed him to the kitchen island, where he pushed me gently against it and then grabbed my thighs and lifted me up to sit on it. He proceeded to pad dry my fingers until they were completely dry and then unscrewed the top of the burn ointment tube, gently applied a generous amount of the cooling and soothing gel on my fingers. I took a deep breath at the immediate pain relief, some stray tears were escaping my eyes. Charles searched through the box, looking for some band aids, after he found the needed sizes he took my hand in his, carefully bandaging the burnt fingers. As he was done, he looked up at me and wiped the tears off my cheeks.

"Does it feel better?" he asked quietly and I nodded.

"Yeah, thank you, Charlie!" I sniffled and he helped me down the counter, pulling me into him, he kissed my temple.

"Always, Lizzie, always!" he whispered against my head and we stood like this for a while, breathing each other in, as we heard the screen door opening, we jumped a little, bringing some space between us. I turned away from Charles, feeling my cheeks blush.

We later all sat around the table decorating our cookies with icing, different sprinkles and other toppings. Due to my bandaged fingers I couldn’t do the icing how I wanted it too, but just sitting here, surrounded by my family, laughing and joking, decorating cookies, brought me so much joy. To think how only 3 months ago I thought I’d probably never be happy again. Unbelievable.

The next day, we decided to make a trip to the old karting track, visiting Hans who was excited to see us again. The boys all geared up for some laps and Liam wanted to join in.

"You’re a little too young to drive alone, but you can ride a few laps with me!" Charles said and he was overly excited.

Dad and I stood at the side, watching the boys have fun, breezing past us, but driving very carefully due to Liam who was sitting between Charles legs. He steered the kart at some slow corners, Charles teaching him exactly when and how to turn.

"You’ll be driving one in no time, you’ll see!" Dad whispered next to me as he pulled me into his side, after seeing my eyes well up a little. I only nodded, throat too tight to speak. I didn’t expect coming here would be so emotional, but it was.

"I really hope so, Dad!" I mumbled and he only chuckled.

"Lizzie, you can walk almost perfectly again, you even could carry Liam around. Give it some more time and you’ll be back!" he said confidently and I nodded.

"You’re right. I’ll be back!" I said determined and cheered as Charles and Liam crossed the finish line first.

Back home we all prepared for dinner and in typical German tradition we were exchanging presents shortly after. As we were unpacking them, a lot of hugs and kisses and laughter and thank yous were exchanged. Later we all sat cuddled up on the sofa, watching Home Alone with a cup of hot chocolate and some of our cookies. The perfect Christmas.

As the 30th came closer and closer my anxiety of meeting Camille again began to get bigger with each minute, as it felt and I was thinking about chicken out. But I knew that Charles wouldn’t believe me when I would say that being on a yacht was my biggest concern. He would want to know the real reason and I told myself I’ll talk to him after our holiday. First I wanted to spend some good quality time with him, before I had to break to him that his girlfriend was one of the main reasons for my crippling anxiety. I just had to get over one evening with her. On a boat. I could surely avoid her, right? I could do that.

"What am I wearing on a yacht on New Year's Eve, Shima?" I asked her as I was packing and needed help with my outfit.

"What do you got?" she asked and I walked over to my closet "And do you have a dress code?"

"Charles said not to over the top… that helps totally… not! So I asked what he’s wearing and he said Jeans and button down shirt. I checked in with Marta and she said she would maybe wear a casual, but nice dress. Classy but not to over the top… Why can’t Monegasque people be a bit more precise!" I groaned and I heard Shima’s chuckling through the speaker "Not funny!"

"Okay, so dress or no dress?" Shima asked.

"No dress." I answered and she was quiet for a moment.

"Ouuuuhhh! I have an idea! The jumpsuit! The black one! It’s classy, elegant but not to over the top!" Shima said and I thought for a second.

"My sister has it, wait I gotta go to hers. I need to see if it still fits me!" I said and walked downstairs to the door into the little mud room between kitchen and garage where I took the stairs up into my sisters loft.

"Where’s the rest of the fam?" Shima asked as I walked through the loft into my sister's bedroom.

"They’re not at home, the mums are shopping, the boys are karting." I answered

"Why didn’t you go with them? Too tough?" she asked empathically.

"Yup, it wasn’t easy last week so a no for today!" I sighed "Wait, I’ll try it on and send you a selfie…"

"What’s the verdict? Good enough? Not too casual? Not too over the top?" I asked nervously

"Approved! Lizzie, giiirl! You look so damn good! What shoes? Hair and make-up?" she asked and I laughed.

"I don’t know? Probably just leave my hairs open? Little bit curled? Well make-up wise, like always? Just a little eyeliner and maybe some nude lipstick? As for shoes… you know I don’t mind heels but I don’t think that I can walk in them right now? I thought maybe some sweet, flat sandals?" I thought out loud, thinking about how everything looked together. With Camille there I didn’t want to look like I didn’t care about my looks. I just didn’t want to give her more reasons to pick on me, which I was sure she would do.

"Sounds good! No really Lizzie, you’ll look great! That’s the perfect mix!" she said and I smiled.

"The only thing that bothers me about the jumpsuit is that it has like a cut out on the back? And I’m scared that it will slip a little when I’m moving and show my… my… you know…" I said quietly.

"Lizzie! With all due respect, you should wear these scars with pride! They show how strong you are! They should only remind you that you almost died but you’re still here! Against all odds! ! You should wear them like a shield!" she said with a strong voice.

"You’re right! Thanks!" I had the best friends.

Charles POV:

Lorenzo and I took the car back to Monaco, Lizzie, Arthur and Mum were flying. The whole ride I thought about the best way to break-up with Camille. I initially planned on doing it after Portimaõ, but she started to talk about New Years Eve and how excited she was. She had the idea of renting a yacht to celebrate with our closest friends months ago, she planned it all by herself and was always so happy and excited when she showed me the newest plans. I just didn’t have the heart to break up with her before that, not after she put so much effort into it. Seeing her this happy made it hard for me to break her heart like this. After all, she didn’t deserve this. So I planned to wait until after New Year's Eve. Let her have this day, let her bask in the moment, she worked so hard for. And then I’ll break her heart. Doesn’t sound much better.

"You’re awfully quiet." Lorenzo said after a long while of silence and I swallowed hard.

"Yeah, a lot is going on in my head…" I sighed and he chuckled.

"Camille?" he asked and I looked at him "Oh come on, I’m your brother! I know what’s going on in your head. At least some of it."

"You do? Then help me sort it out…" I said and he laughed.

"I can’t tell you what to do, Charles." he looked at me "But you’re smart, you figure it out."

"I already have… it’s just… I don’t want to hurt her." I said hesitantly.

"Who? Camille?" he asked and I nodded.

"Who else?" I replied.

"Maybe you’re not that smart…" he said under his breath and I looked at him "Why do you think you will hurt Camille?"

"Because I’m going to break up with her… after New Years, I’ll have her over and explain everything to her.." I answered.

"Smart boy…" he chuckled.

"Whatever." I rolled my eyes.

I just had to get New Years over with, let her have a day or two to relax afterwards and then have a conversation with her, I could do that. But I dreaded it. So much.

I felt dizzy, it probably wasn’t the best idea coming onto a yacht in my condition, but I promised it to Charles and now I couldn’t chicken out anymore. Big mistake. The constant whispers from Camille and her friends, the swaying of the yacht, it all was too much. I needed my medics and I needed them now. I got up from the lounger and walked to the stairs as I heard Camille and her friends talking downstairs, probably sitting in the lounge. I quietly walked down the stairs.

"Oh come on, why is she always hanging around him! Like she has no one else to talk to? And did you see her back? The scars? Eww! I would never ever again walk around in clothes so you could see it! Disgusting!" Camille sounded annoyed and I quietly sneaked away, almost bumping into Joris. He looked at me with sad eyes, and I knew he had heard what Camille and her friends said about me, but I just sent him my best fake smile and walked away. I quickly walked past Camille, trying to get into the cabin without being noticed.

"There you are, ma belle!" Charles almost yelled and I saw out of the corner of my eyes how Camille glared at me. He was drunk. I’ve never seen him this drunk before.

"Charles, I thought we talked about this… stop calling me that when your girlfriend is around!" I said it quietly and he only shrugged his shoulders.

"But you’re ma belle! And that’s your name! I always call you that? What am I supposed to say?" he asked and his confused look was just too adorable.

"My name, Lizzie. Remember?" I laughed and he shook his head.

"Lizzie is only for the others! But for me it’s ma belle! Because you are the most beautiful girl! And you are my girl! So you are ma belle!" he explained and I blushed. I could hear Camille scoff behind me and a glass breaking "Camille is just…" he began but I put my hand above his mouth.

"Stop talking, you’re drunk and don’t know what you’re saying!" I fake laughed and walked away, I nodded at Riccardo who understood and looked after Charles. I went back into the cabin, looking for my bag with my medics. I saw that I had a text from Arthur, but before I could check it, I dropped my meds and when I bent down to pick them up I was getting light headed, the dizziness only worsened. The throbbing pain in my temple was back again. I quickly sat down and took a deep breath. My brain began to fog up and I got up to go outside and get some fresh air. As I was holding on to the railing I heard steps coming towards me.

"Look who it is, ma belle!" Camille mocked and her three girlfriends just laughed "I mean I know that you’re not really the most stylish person, but still? Couldn’t you at least put some effort in your appearance?" their laughs were shrill and way too loud for my head and I wanted to walk away. For the first time in weeks my brain started to fog up to the point where I had to really focus on my speaking in order to get the words out correctly.

"Look Camille, I don’t know what your problem is with me, but I don’t have time for this now, sorry!" I said and Camille and her little flock started cackling.

"I’m sorry? I’m not speaking gibberish?" Camille laughed and I looked at her, heat rising in my cheeks. Focusing didn’t seem to work.

"Just leave me alone! Please! I don’t know why you always try to pick a fight with me!" again they only laughed harder.

"Oh no, poor little Lizzie's head is all mushy again! Maybe your little accident damaged your brain a little more than they thought?" Camille sneered and I walked back into the cabin, then I realised the tears streaming down my face. I grabbed my phone and sent a text to Arthur.

I packed my belongings into my bag, sat down on the couch and waited. Through the windows I could see that we were on our way back to the harbour. I closed my eyes. Only a couple of minutes and I could leave this god damn yacht and Camille and her entourage of mean girls. Every now and then a tear slipped down my cheeks. As we docked in the harbour I got up and grabbed my bag, I wanted to walk out as Charles walked in.

"Hey ma belle, I was looking for you? You looked a bit pale…" he began but then he realised the bag on my shoulder and my tear stained face and in an instant he cradled my face in his hands "What happened? Are you okay?"

"I’m just tired, Charlie. It wasn’t a good idea going on a yacht in my condition! You celebrate and have fun! Spend some time with Camille, I’ll be fine!" I said and pushed away from him, giving him a kiss on the cheek and started walking away but he grabbed my wrist.

"Ma belle, what is going on? I know you and it’s not your condition? You were doing so well the last few weeks! What happened? Where are you going?" he said, his voice stern, but I just tore my wrist out of his grasp and shook my head.

"I’m fine, Charles. It’s ok!" I whispered and left quickly. He stood there dumbfounded for a moment then he followed me.

"Ma belle? Lizzie?" he almost shouted it, his voice was laced with worry but also sounded a bit hurt and I only walked faster. Camille just grinned at me, her friends were laughing as I walked fast past them to the gangway that was set up by the deckhands. Joris looked at them furious.

"Lizzie, wait!" Charles sounded nearer this time but he was stopped by Camille, he wanted to push her away as Arthur appeared at the dock "What is Arthur doing here?"

I walked as fast as possible without falling in the water over the gangway, where Arthur grabbed my bag and held me to his side to steady me, everything started to spin and the pain in my head rose to a new high.

He opened the passenger door and helped me in, then walked around and got into the driver seat. I could see how Charles was furiously talking to Camille and Joris, hands flying through the air, always pointing in our direction.

"Are you sure you’re okay?" Arthur asked and I nodded, silent tears streaming down my face.

"Just drive home…" I whispered and Arthur started the car. For the first time in weeks I felt like this again, the throbbing pain in my temples, the impeded speech, shaky legs, problems to breathe properly, almost a full blown anxiety attack. And all because of Camille. Maybe I had to talk to Charles sooner rather than later.

Charles POV:

"What do you want to hear from me? She texted and asked if I could come pick her up and I did just that!" Arthur was furious.

"Why didn’t you call me? You could’ve told me that she was unwell and then I would take care of her!" I was even more furious.

"Charles, she wanted to leave the boat! End of the story! She didn’t want to stay there and celebrate with you!" he almost sounded annoyed.

"What’s that supposed to mean? She didn’t want to celebrate with me?" I asked him confused "She rather wanted to celebrate with you? At home? Alone?"

"Yes. Happy now?" he answered and sat back down on his sofa.

"Okay, what is going on here? Are you and Lizzie…? What about Clara?" it couldn’t be. Arthur and Lizzie?

"For fucks sake, Charles! My girlfriend isn’t the one who constantly dragged her down for the past year!" Arthur almost shouted it and glared angry at me.

"What do you mean?" I asked him as I try to stay calm and Arthur hid his face in his hands and groaned "Arthur, what the fuck do you mean?”

"I’m not supposed to tell you this! But come on, Charles? You’re telling me that you not only once realised how Camille treated Lizzie? How she glared at her, all her snarky remarks? How could you be so oblivious?" Arthur asked me and I sat down and leaned back, thinking about his words.

Camille was sometimes annoyed when I spent my down time with Lizzie instead of her, but she always said she understood? Although last year Lizzie and I didn’t spend much time together considering Covid first and then her accident. When she moved in with me to start with her recovery, Camille didn’t have a problem with it. Or did I just ignore her complaints? The more I thought about it, the more I realised that whenever I mentioned Lizzie Camille tried to change the topic immediately, tried to always keep us busy so I didn’t have much time to spend with Lizzie and not even once asked how she was after her accident. Arthur was right, how could I be so oblivious? I facepalmed myself and sighed.

"I am stupid…" I mumbled and Arthur only nodded.

"I’m not arguing with you on that, but Charles? Don’t you think it’s time that you tell Lizzie that you lo…" Arthur began but he got interrupted by a sound coming from the guest bedroom, the one Lizzie currently slept in "I think you should leave for now, you need to sort out your shit with Camille first, before you talk to Lizzie, she cried herself to sleep last night, she will pretend like she didn’t but I heard her."

"Take care of her!" I whispered and Arthur hugged me.

"Of course!" he said and I left, taking my phone out of my pocket. I texted Camille to meet me at my place in an hour, then I called Joris. He never liked Camille, I needed to know if it was because of Lizzie.

"I want to know everything." I said and Joris just groaned.

"She’ll kill me if I tell you…" Joris began but I cut him off.

"I don’t give a fuck, right now I should be your concern, because if you’re not telling me what I’ve been missing for a whole damn year, I’m the one coming for you!" I said.

"She was awful to Lizzie, always saying things to her that Lizzie’s just a friend of yours, that she is now the most important person in your life, that Lizzie should start to understand that your priorities are now on her and that Lizzie is not important anymore. She even got that far telling Lizzie to give you guys some more space and sent her away from, to quote her, "our flat"… like she would live there with you! And after Lizzies accident she and her bitchy friends always made fun of her when she needed a little longer to speak or when she couldn’t walk normally in the beginning… and the things they said about her back?! The scars? It was awful…" he said and with every word he spoke I felt sicker and sicker, I was trembling, anger surging through me.

"And why the fuck did no one tell me? Why did Lizzie tell you but never me?" I was furious.

"Because Lizzie didn’t tell us those things! I heard it! I saw it! We all did at some point! Camille never did those things when you were close by! But we all witnessed it! Do you remember your birthday? How Riccardo left in the middle of it out of nowhere? That was because of Camille! She was horrible towards Lizzie! Her friends commented on that video that someone took of her on your boat. Not nice things. And he was so fed up that he wanted to tell you, but Lizzie pleaded with him to not to so he agreed, but he was so mad that he had to leave otherwise he would’ve called her out in front of everyone! We all wanted to tell you more than once, Charles! But Lizzie… she thought that Camille made you this happy and she didn’t want to ruin your relationship!" Joris explained and I felt the bile rise up my throat.

"You still should’ve said something!" I almost shouted, I was mad and letting it out at Joris wasn’t fair but I had to let it out. I couldn’t hold it in.

"I wouldn’t have to say anything if you weren’t so fucking blind! And if she wasn’t so blind! You weren’t happy because of Camille! You were happy because of Lizzie! Not Camille! How could you even start dating her? When you clearly love Lizzie! You really thought your plan would work out? You will forget about your feelings for Lizzie because of Camille? The only thing you did with that was hurting Lizzie! You have no idea how many times Lizzie cried last year because of you! She tried everything to not ruin your birthday when you did just that back on her birthday! Not just that you came fucking late, no you ignored her for most of the night, you weren’t even singing with us and then you left earlier because of Camille but you didn’t even say goodbye to Lizzie! You fucking left her alone on her birthday! You know how much she hates celebrating it! You have no idea how many times I… no we had to see her heartbroken expression when you were faking being happy with Camille and Lizzie believed it! Just for you to not man up and confess your feelings to Lizzie! If you want to be mad at someone, then it’s you first and Camille second!" Joris got up and left.

I sat there dumbfounded. But after a while I had to admit, everything he said was right. Now it was time to finally do the right thing.

"You never gave us a real chance because of her, that wasn’t fair! I was always good to you!" she didn’t sound sad, more mad, disappointed and annoyed.

"You’re right. It wasn’t fair. And I can’t apologise enough for letting it come this far. But what you did Camille? Your friends did? What you said? The entire last year? Nothing of this was her fault! It was all me. I messed up and I know it. I’m sorry for hurting you, I really am." the only one to blame was me. I should’ve never even started this relationship in the first place.

"I didn’t mean what I was saying Charles, it was only a joke, yes I know, a bad one. But it’s always her, her, her! I guess I had to let it out at one point!" she defends and I sigh.

"Yeah, but then you should’ve let it all out on me. Not on her, after everything she’s been through! And it was more than a joke Camille! You were horrible to her the entire time! I was just too blind to see it! And that is entirely my fault! Because I was the one who was in a relationship with you even tho I’m not…" I stopped and Camille’s look changed.

"Go on, say it…" she said and I sighed.

"The time we spent together, how you always supported me although I didn’t deserve it, I can’t thank you enough for it, Camille… but I was never in love with you. I’m sorry… you deserve someone who is in love with you and not someone who’s just with you because it feels nice and content, because he can’t stay alone." I said it and she nodded.

"It was always her, right. I never had a chance, did I." it wasn’t a question.

"I wanted it not to be her, that’s why I gave us a chance in the first place, I was trying everything to bury the feelings that I had, no, that I have, for her… but you’re right, it was always her… it will always be her…" I answered and Camille smiled a little.

"Then do yourself a favour and tell her." and with that she got up and walked to the door. "Goodbye, Charles." and she was gone.

I didn’t know how long I sat there, thinking about what she said "Do yourself a favour and tell her", she was right. I had to tell Lizzie that I am in love with her, only her. But I couldn’t do it now, not after I just broke up with Camille, she couldn’t think that she was just a rebound. I needed to take my time, show her every day a bit more that I love her, because Camille was right, it was always her. And I was right as well, it always will be her. I flinched when my phone pinged, a message from Lizzie. Rather than texting back I called her.

"Ma belle."

"Hey Charlie, how are you?" she sounded nervous.

"I just broke up with Camille…" silence.

"I’m sorry." she sounded sincere.

"Don’t be. It’s better like this. There was too much baggage. Too much going the wrong way for too long."

"You still loved her…"

"No, I loved the fact of having a girlfriend, having someone by my side."

"Hmm, ok. Are you good? Do you want to be alone? Or do you want to come over? We’re ordering food and watching a movie…"

"I’ll be there in 20 minutes."

"See you then, Charlie bear."

"See you, ma belle." she hung up. I love you.

"Are you crazy? Who’s going to eat all of that?" Arthur looked at me with big eyes as I walked back from the door, 2 pizza boxes, 3 pasta dishes and 3 salad boxes already on the table, and now another big bag full of Indian and Chinese food as well.

"When you said you’d order something from everything, I didn’t think you would mean it quite literally?!" Carla chuckled and I just shrugged my shoulders.

"Charles is coming over as well…" I said and walked into the kitchen to get some cutlery, plates and glasses "Come on Arthi, the drinks won’t walk on their own!"

"So is it just him? Or is she coming as well… after yesterday? Do you really think it’s a good idea?" Arthur whispered and I sighed.

"He will probably tell you himself, so you know from nothing. He broke up with Camille, as of today…" I said quietly and Arthur’s smirk was getting bigger and bigger "Stop! He’s probably heartbro…"

"How can he be heartbroken when he never loved her!" Arthur mumbled and walked out the kitchen. Why was he saying that? Charles said the same? What do they know that I didn’t? The doorbell rang and I shook the thought out of my head and walked back into the living room and set everything down. Charles straight up walked to me and hugged me tight.

"Hey ma belle!" he whispered into my ear and I got goosebumps all over my body.

"Hey Charlie bear… are you okay?" I whispered back and he nodded.

"Very much… thank you!" he answered and took my hand in his, sat down and pulled me down right next to him.

"Is Camille coming as well?" Carla asked and I tensed up a little.

"No, she’s not coming, she’ll never come over again, to be honest. We broke up." Charles said and played with our intertwined fingers.

"Oh, thank god!" Carla let out and blushed immediately "I mean… oh god, I’m sorry! She’s a nice girl! Totally! I’m just- I’m just… umm…"

"It’s okay. I know what you mean. It’s better like this. She wasn’t the… let’s just say she wasn’t the right one." Charles said and Arthur chuckled.

"Yeah, I’m sure you’ll find the right one…" he said, voice oozing with sarcasm. I kicked his leg and he just chuckled even more "So, what are we watching?"

After a long discussion we settled for Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone and as we were all cuddled up on the sofa with plates full of food the film started and a pleasant silence fell over the room.

Charles POV:

"No, it’s alright. I’ll carry her to bed." I whispered and Carla gently tugged the blanket away. I got up carefully with Lizzie in my arms and Arthur walked in front of us, opening the door to his guest bedroom, switching on the light on the nightstand.

"You’ll stay here, right?" Arthur asked and I laid Lizzie down.

"Umm… should I?" I said quietly and he only nodded.

"Wait a minute…" he said and walked away before he came back with a t-shirt and some sweatpants "Good night, Char." he walked away but then turned around "You know that she loves you? And you love her? So whatever you’re doing, don’t hurt her again…" then he left.

I quickly changed into his spare clothes, went into the bathroom and washed myself as good as possible. Rinsed my mouth and walked back into the guest room, then I quietly closed the door and laid down next to Lizzie. I switched off the light and fell asleep almost immediately.

I stirred around, then groaned before laying on my side as I heard a little giggle.

"Hi, Charlie bear…" Lizzie’s voice was a little hoarse and she yawned.

"Hi, ma belle… I missed this…" I sighed and opened my eyes, looking into hers "Waking up from you rolling around to find a comfortable position again to sleep a little longer. And then your little giggle when you realise you woke me up…"

"I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, it’s just that I was cold all of a sudden and no matter how I laid, it didn’t seem to warm up again…" she chuckled and I pulled her into me. Cuddling her body close to mine.

"Better?" I mumbled and closed my eyes again.

"Better." she whispered breathlessly and we laid like this for a while, before I decided to address the elephant in the room.

"Why didn’t you tell me? All the things that Camille did?" I whispered and Lizzie tensed up, breathing in audibly.

"She seemed to make you happy. You seemed to love her. That was all that mattered to me." she answered and my heart broke.

"She made you sick Lizzie, she was making you feel so anxious that your body reacted in the worst kind of way… my happiness wasn’t as important as your health!" I groaned but she just shook her head.

"No, Charles, that’s where you’re wrong. Your happiness is the most important thing for me! After everything you’ve been through, you deserved some happiness, so when I had to suffer because of it I did it and I would do it all over again…" she said and I held her even tighter in my arms.

"Nothing is more important than you, ma belle! You hear me? God, Lizzie! You’re the most important person in my life! I’m sorry for not seeing what she was doing, how she treated you, god I will never forgive myself for being so blind and oblivious!" I whispered but she shook her head again.

"Charles, you didn’t do anything wrong! There is nothing to forgive yourself! You loved her and she made you happy. Period." she sighed but now I shook my head.

"I never loved her. Not even in the slightest, I just liked having someone around. I hate being alone. I just can’t do it. But you had your own worries, then the accident, the recovery. Camille was convenient. And she was nice and sweet when it was just us. But, I never loved her. I know I sound like the biggest asshole on earth right now. But it’s the truth…" I said and Lizzie looked up at me with her big eyes, contemplating her next words.

"With any other girl I would say yes you’re an asshole, a huge one! But because it’s her? I’d say you’re just a teeny, tiny one, like this…" she laughed and pinched her thumb and pointer finger close together, almost touching.

"I think I can live with that." I answered and laughed as well.

"So what happens now? You’re officially on the market again! Single ladies of Monaco beware!" Lizzie laughed even more but I just shook my head and she stopped and looked at me.

"Nope. I’m not jumping into the next best relationship just because I don’t want to be alone. I’m waiting for the right girl to come around. However long it takes." I said and looked her determined in the eyes. She swallowed loudly and chuckled nervously.

"Yeah… however long it takes…" she answered and I smiled at her.

I will wait however long it takes for her to realise that for me it has always been her. And that she will be the only one I will have by my side ever again.

"That sounds really cold, Charles! You should reconsider that… I don’t want people to think that you’re an asshole!" I sighed but Charles only shook his head.

"I don’t care. We didn’t make any lasting memories, the texts she sent me the last few days showed me her true colours, she’s already out there planning a vacation with some other dude, 2 days after our break-up, saying he always treats her right… in these 2 days or what? And she said, to quote her, now she can finally live her life the way she wanted again." he said and I had to stop myself from laughing.

"Okay. Do whatever you want then." I said and he rolled his eyes.

"It’s posted. Water under the bridge." Charles said and I smiled at him.

Bye Camille…

————————————————————————

Little Note:

That's it, chapter 11 is out - Ding Dong, the Bitch is dead gone 🙌

Please leave a comment/ like/ reblog/ message and tell me how you liked it! I'm dying to hear your thoughts!

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Last but not least, English is not my first language and although I tried my best: please excuse any mistakes I made!

Taglist:

@silkenthusiasts @eugene-emt-roe @sunny44 @itsjustkhaos @glitterquadricorn @aundercover @kakorrhaphiphobia @alittlebitofbooksandmagic @ru-kru @glitterf1

All the images I’m using are from Google, Pinterest and Instagram.

[76blades]

I can no longer stay silent.

I always feel bad for venting out loud, whether it be publicly or to my Twitter circle (which I have been doing a lot lately, and I’m sorry if it’s been distressing (…my point exactly)). But things have not been ok, nor have shown any significant chances of getting better anytime soon. I know I’m gonna be beating myself up later for posting this, but I’m sick and tired and I can’t stay quiet. I’m desperate for change.

For those who don’t know, Winter’s family (and job) has been severely mentally and emotionally abusing her, and it’s not just because of her gender identity. They’ve threatened and harassed her over her showing any negative emotions, her body, her interests, the food she eats, you name it. Granted, it’s not my tale to tell, but it has been BAD as of late for her, and it definitely has affected me. I might be going through some similar stuff with my dad, but he’s nothing compared to them.

Speaking of, for those who don’t know about my dad, he’s a slightly better version of Winter’s parents; a well-intended asshole but still an asshole. He has caused me to question my sanity and safety several times, and he refuses to acknowledge my anxiety as anything serious, and believes it’s something I can easily control and/or an act I put on. He’s been trying to pull me into college even though I’ve told him several times that I don’t want to, and he’s told me several times that if I don’t follow his advice then I’m only gonna end up nowhere. He certainly doesn’t believe anything regarding Winter’s situation either, and views it all with rose-tinted glasses. 

He also demands to know my entire schedule for the week, that I laugh at his jokes or smile when I don’t want to; and he even touches my shoulders and back without my consent, and he’ll get mad when I express my discomfort. I was dreading having to move back in with him because I knew this would all be happening, only for it to be so much worse. I don’t even feel comfortable recording when he’s home because I’m afraid of him yelling and/or making fun of me. And yet, it’s funny and sad how he’s an absolute saint compared to Winter’s family.

Winter and I have been breaking our backs trying to save up for a new home, but our jobs have been cruel to us on top of our families. We’re being overworked and underpaid, and a good chunk of our paychecks goes towards food and travel expenses. And while we’ve been trying our best to push our comms, we’re still a far way from freedom.

I don’t ever want to come off as a beggar for money, attention, etc., and I feel anxious whenever I boost my comms because of that, and yet I also feel like that’s exactly what I’m doing here. But I need to be transparent with you all about my and Winter’s situation. I am truly afraid that one of might truly snap, with the little remaining of our sanity vanishing in an instant. Tbh I feel like that person is more likely to be me than her. 

Regardless, I’m unsure of what else to do right now other than to keep boosting commissions and whatnot (and I might make a Ko-Fi goal too, idk), but I want to keep finding affective (and healthy) ways to spread awareness of our situation and help bring us a few steps closer to where we want to be.

I know I’ve said that I feel like I’m waiting for a miracle that won’t come, but maybe you all could help us bring that miracle to life. Thank you all for taking time out of your day to read this and support us.

I will be attaching links to my comms and Ko-Fi, as well as Winter’s. If you have any questions or would like to consider commissioning us, feel free to DM or Email either of us.

TLDR: Winter and I are being abused. We're desperate to leave our perspective toxic environments, and we need some extra help.

My Commissions | My Ko-Fi | Winter's Commissions | Winter's Ko-Fi

[kelseytheballerina]

how do you have a high maintenance routine while being married? I assume that being married means that you now have a heck ton of new responsibilities, I know that it’s not really just your life anymore, as you now have 2 lives in one. and not just focusing on yourself anymore, you have somebody else. I know I’ll get married in the near future but a part of me is afraid that i’ll lose what I have now or won’t be able to do what I want to do in the future, like pampering myself, making time for myself to do all those things you mentioned in your high maintenance routine while cooking for two, cleaning the house, running errands, doing my own work from home as well, and eventually with children as well. I want to get married but it seems overwhelming and scary that maybe I won’t be able to have this high maintenance lifestyle doing things I want to be doing because of how busy life will get as a married woman. AND being pregnant too.

No this is a very valid question. As it turns out, being married didn’t diminish my free time or ability to pamper myself at all. If anything, it’s given me more of it. I have plenty of time to myself since I don’t have to work, my husband is a doctor that works really long hours, neither of us are messy people and he doesn’t control my schedule but rather I decide it all. If I had to scrub our apartment from top to bottom every day bc he leaves stuff all over the place and makes a mess like a toddler in a daycare, I wouldn’t be with him. Nothing worse than a nasty man whose mama never taught him to put dishes in the sink and clothes in the hamper. He’s naturally quite neat and low maintenance so I’m not really spending a ton of time tending to him. All of the things I do are things I was going to do anyway. Dishes, cooking, cleaning, laundry, tidying up etc are standards for living I already set for myself whether I would be living alone or not. A few extra dishes from his serving is no problem. If he gets hair all over the bathroom floor he sweeps it up himself. Yes I have to run a few errands for him since he doesn’t always have the time (for example going to the post office is near impossible with his work schedule) but it’s not a frequent thing and I know he’d do it for me, no questions asked.

Not all marriages are the same and some partners may require more of your time and energy. Obviously my marriage is still young so I can’t speak on the long haul, but for now it’s very chill. The only “restraint” (and I use that word lightly) is more so related to timing. If he’s home at 6:30pm, then I need dinner ready by that time instead of me cooking all willy nilly at 8pm or smth. Outside of breakfast and dinner requiring me to keep a timing to match his work schedule, he has little bearing on my day to day endeavors.

He actually enjoys when I do fun things for myself and takes pride in being able to provide it. He likes when I send cute selfies from the nail salon or spa or cafes I’m at. If there’s times where I’m being more of a homebody and just staying indoors all day, he encourages me to go out and have fun, try a new place to eat, meet up with a friend, etc. Some men hate seeing women being pampered and being leisurely and some men absolutely love it and encourage it. If you’re a girl who spoils yourself even when single, get a man who appreciates that and wants to contribute to the spoiling, not snuff the flame or expects you to “sit down”. I’ve never understood that. You get a girl who always looks cute with her hair and makeup done, nice clothes, fun experiences and then expect her to stop bc she’s married now? You should’ve been with a plain Jane in the first place then!

When our baby is born, that will be more of a change than my marriage in and of itself since she’ll have a nap schedule, bath time, etc that will prevent me from always being able to get up and go on a whim or spend ample amounts of time at certain venues but that’s part of motherhood and the responsibilities and sacrifices that come with it. I’ll have to alter my schedule, pull back on the frequency I do certain things, and just wait for her to get a bit older. All moms can relate and it just comes with the territory but it doesn’t have to be a negative thing.

Basically it just comes down to making a schedule that works for you and prioritizing your self care and making the most of the hours allotted to you. Don’t lose yourself in your marriage. Your youth and fun doesn’t have to die just bc you’re wearing a ring.

[the-stardust-shard]

What's it really like? How are the people in there? If you wanna answer I've always been curious cause Ive been told I should be in there

Honestly, it depends on your local laws / culture / country / region, but i’m in france so i’ll focus on my experience related to how it works here (incl. laws and such).

For reference, as of now i’ve done 2 stays, both of which were done in a private hospital and not a public one (which makes the experience itself vastly better by default, but still), and before my first stay in a private ward i’ve spent a bit of time in a local public one for single appointments (so no full-time admission but same grounds).

> What's it really like?

Boring. Mind-numbingly boring.

Your entire time schedule is strictly programmed so you spend most of your time stuck to it, waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. i included below a photo of the schedule for here to show how much stuff there is inside.

A way i follow it to make it less grating is by noting down the “closing time” for each of those items, so i know when to come to arrive at the last minute when there’s little to no one left waiting, so i have the rest of my time free for myself or activities or whatever, but even then you’ll still have a nurse coming to check on you every so often and coming to berate you if you’re a bit late, so you’re always stuck to this stupid timetable.

time becomes so abstract that if you don’t have a personal watch / personal schedule for yourself, you always lose track of time or of the day. when on my first stay, i actually didn’t come with a watch (because my watch needs to be charged regularly and that’s done with a long power cable which is always confiscated) and until a friend brought one i spent my worst time completely lost and disconnected; i started noting down the day it was and how many days i was in on my hand to keep track of that.

that boredom always brings the worst, aka addictions to cope with that. cigarettes, soda, other binge snacking, and worse. if you’re in a group of people, you’ll often hear someone prompt for a smoke break. i didn’t smoke thanks to my husband bringing me my nicotine-free vape so i can have something to stim with, but i still drank around 100 cans (i have the number due to having collected all the caps) in less than 3 months.

a good thing is that it’s places with easy access to lots of other medical tools, so i’ve been able to see a few therapists, social workers, sports coaches, and that’s overall cool because it’s usually covered by the hospital where it would’ve been paid if i went to meet them outside.

A lot less waiting time and paperwork too, it’s handled for you, so it makes things less annoying to get going, especially if like me you struggle with paperwork and administrative bullshit.

as for the downtime between appointments / activities, it was filled with reading, listening to music, drawing, trading goods and services with other patients (yes, it’s one of the core components of psych ward), and once i felt safe enough to bring my laptop and such, watching series, playing games with other patients, etc.

my first stay gradually became better before the breakdown, but my second stay has been very isolated due to not finding anyone or any activity, so i’ve spent my entire stay reading books and listening to music in my room after having traded some snacks with some people who were going outside for the day.

the worst aspect for me was the food (an issue common with every stay tbf). as a vegan/vegetarian with allergies, i always got the most shitty and bland food possible (idk why in france they put meat in literally everything at every meal of the day), and that was actually what allowed me to leave the ward from my first stay; in less than 3 months i’ve lost 16kgs~ even with the snacking and the sport i did every day and i’ve been in tears at more than one meal due to how bad it was >> at this point i got used to not eating but it’s horribly bad and kinda scary for a medical site.

> how are the people here?

If i’m talking about other patients, the experience will be overall better imho. especially if you can find yourself a group of people in your age range or with similar experiences as you. it just feels.. a lot less judgemental and pressuring than outside. everyone’s fucked up in some way and nobody cares, we’re just here for the same reason and so we just hang out together and support each other when we can/want but even not doing that will not bring any judgement on you.

Staff is more awkward and uncomfortable, especially doctors and such (aka the ones with legal power over you) or administrative staff (aka the ones with power over the doctors and everyone else, but they’re so far up their asses in their comfy desk that they’re all always completely disconnected from reality, which makes their rare appearances very awkward and uncomfortable). On my first ward, i did find a few nurses that were pretty cool and with whom i’ve been able to have interesting or fun talk, but in the current ward i found no one, so the divide between them and us is really uncomfortable to handle.

in the public ward i went a few times for appointments (which was structured like an underground prison, full bars and all) though the med. staff was openly insulting of patients and such… i did witness and fight some shitty staff in the first ward too.

overall the staff is the most grating group, the one who can easily make the stay hellish and traumatize you even more if you’re not lucky.

still, among other patients i’ve been able to meet great friends with whom i’ve been able to spend a lot of good time even after my stay (one of those friends regularly comes to watch movies which we started on our stay, and the other is practicing tattooing with me, some others i’m still chatting with but don’t see as often though. these two specific people were pillars of mutual support during my stay)

you’ll note on the timetable below that it doesn’t even contain everything we need to keep track of in a day..

[sorry-moots]

Inversion of Genesis But I Changed It

this one's really short whoops characters featured: scaramouche cws: mentions of death, scara is a little mean but what's new wc: 569

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Chapter Six

Only a few days remain before your scheduled departure. You’ve tried not to think too hard about it, but as the date gets closer, you’re forced to pack and make preparations for the time you’ll be gone. Curiously, among these preparations is helping Scaramouche pack his things. It’s hardly fair, but you can’t complain. He is your boss, after all.

It’s been hours since you made it to his estate and you’re only halfway finished with the inventory he told you to make of his belongings. You would have certainly met your demise by now, were it not for Yvette’s baking. Her scones are a godsend.

You’re combing through one of his many chests when your fingers brush against a loose cord. Without thinking, you pull it out, ready to put the necklace in the chest with his other accessories. As you tug on it, you’re met with resistance and you dig through until you find a feather-shaped pendant made of gold on the end.

It’s mesmerizing, but you call out to Scaramouche anyway. “My Lord? What's this?”

He looks up from his newspaper. “What's what? Oh, that,” he says, his lips curling in distaste. “My creator gave it to me as a ‘proof of identity’ before casting me aside.”

You don’t say anything, but from the way you’re eyeing the gold ornament, he can tell you’re curious. With an exasperated sigh, he starts telling you about all the people who betrayed him. His creator, who decided he was too emotional to be of use. His mentor, who sacrificed himself but still doomed their entire village. His best friend, who was poisoned by the Tatarigami.

“Was that last one really a betrayal, though? The kid died of sickness.”

“That is beside the point.”

“Regardless, I won’t abandon you like everyone else did.”

“Yeah, right,” he scoffed.

“No, I mean it,” you emphasized. “I won’t make you a promise because I’ll jinx myself, but if in a year you realize that I’ve stuck by you, you’ll have to take me seriously. And give me a raise!”

Per usual, he rolls his eyes. “Finish packing my stuff.”

*****

It’s time to bid Apollo farewell. You can’t take him with you, however badly you want to. He had brought you far, but this was one journey he wouldn't be making.

Not wanting to burden him, you packed relatively lightly. Your small luggage couldn't fit all of the creature comforts you normally indulge in, but you did bring some tea, your crafts, and a couple books for the trip overseas.

It takes you a good while to say your goodbyes. You stare into the eyes of the gentle beast, finding it hard to keep your mouth from turning downwards. You scratch between his ears and under his chin. Tears prick your eyes as he eats sugar cubes out of your palm.

“Are you done crying?” Scaramouche mocks.

His callousness is convincing but Pierre and his coworkers all share a look. The harbinger had just paid them extra to keep Apollo happy and healthy while you’re in Sumeru.

“You’re not actually crying are you?” he asks, incredulously “Pathetic.”

“Sorry for the display of emotion, sir,” you apologize as you hurriedly wipe your tears.

Finally, you turn around and face a whole other kind of monster. A beast made to weather tsunamis and thunderstorms. From the ship comes a shout:

“All aboard who’s coming aboard!”

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tag(s): @lacunaanonymoused

[bristolianbackpacker]

Day 20 - Machu Picchu & Huayna Picchu

The alarm goes off, we snap into action - shower and get ready. The hotel breakfast starts at 4:30am - they know their customers well haha.

We grab some eggs on toast and coffee to keep us going for a few hours of hiking. Our hotel store our bags after we check out. Today we climb Huayna Picchu. It’s not particularly long hike but it’s a huge elevation gain over a short distance. I’m a little worried about the climb as I’m scared of heights but we’ll see how it goes.

We take the bus up to the site and as I had feared it’s quite misty this early in the morning. However it’s kinda nice and mysterious with the clouds.

Firstly we are on Circuit 4 today so we can enter the Inka House that we looked down on yesterday.

Then we meander our way towards the Sacred Rock which is the start of the trek up Huayna Picchu. We are allowed to start a little earlier than our scheduled 7:00am start time so after signing in we begin the climb. It’s almost immediately lots of stairs but nothing too crazy. The first 3/4 of the hike we are surrounded by bush and enjoying the flowers. At some steep staircases they have metal chains to help you get up.

After this we get to the terraces where it’s cleared and you are able to better see how high up you are. Quickly followed by the “Stairs of Death”. We did need to climb up on our hands and knees but I think they are a little overhyped. Once we get up the stairs we get amazing views down into the valley so we stop for some photos.

It’s still cloudy so we stop to once side for half an hour and eat some snacks. My only struggle is when Jack stands really close to a sheer cliff edge whilst taking photos and it makes me feel a bit queezy!

After this, the clouds start to clear and we head up a short staircase to another terrace where there is spectacular views down over Machu Picchu. We stop again for a while to enjoy.

It’s the last little climb to the very summit, the space at the top is very limited so we don’t stay too long - just enough to snap some photos.

It’s all downhill from here!! The downhill is a little harder as my knee is playing up, but we take it slow. There are so many people climbing by this point (10am) and we keep needing to stop to let them last. Also they are all struggling in the heat so I’m super happy we chose the early slot.

WE MADE IT - I’m so proud of myself. The heights were barely a problem for me at all.

We make our way towards the exit and we stop off at the Temple of the Condor. The Condor (part of three of the Trilogy of the Andes world). The rock has been carved into the shape of a condor.

Ok it’s time to head back down to Aguas Calientes. I’ve been geeking out on Incan stuff for days now so it’s time for Jack to get to do something fun. We head straight for a message next to our hotel. We opt for the Incan massage with hot stones. It’s an hour of pure bliss - one of the best massages we’ve both had. Next we grab some lunch at a nearby restaurant. We both order the beef burritos (plus a pisco sour to celebrate) which look very much like tacos but they do the job.

By the time we pick up our bags it’s time to walk to the train station. This time it’s even more chaotic than yesterday, after a while with utter confusion we realise that the previous train is late to depart so the small station is packed with two trains worth of people. The staff don’t seem to know what is going on and keep telling us different things - the usual South American stuff.

We end up leaving about 40mins late which isn’t too bad but the train goes really slowly the whole way back to Ollantaytambo. We have a taxi prearranged to take us back to Cusco which then gets stuck in heaps of traffic so it’s quite late by the time we get in. Not ideal after our 4am wake up. We head straight out to grab some hot chips for dinner and some more water. The new hostel is pretty bad - black mould everywhere, it smells badly of drains, the walls are paper thin and a dog is barking all night!

One final thought before I sign off - I’ve realised upon returning to Cusco is that the altitude really messes with everything - for example Jack’s moisturiser exploded on him and it reminded me that the same thing happened to me with sunscreen when we first arrived here. The altitude pushed all of his snot out as soon as we arrived back (sorry TMI). Also we’ve noticed that the beer has way too much head and is a bit flat tasting. When the car was stuck in traffic earlier I started feeling sick - it’s difficult to differentiate between side effects from the tablets and actual altitude sickness but I think the summary is that my body just feels a bit fragile at 3400m but glad we took the tablets because everything we’ve experienced has been very very mild.

[glittertomb]

(There’s a fun exercise for expelling negative energy in bold font at the bottom if you don’t have the time or energy to read all of this)

I’ve been trying to live my life by the seasons more… such as shopping for seasonal crops, decorating my home festively, changing my altar with more regularity, following the moon and different celestial periods more carefully, celebrating holidays and practicing rituals instead of letting them pass me by, preparing myself and my space for upcoming changes, and fully immersing myself in different activities for the current weather… ✨so✨I decided to have a little Mabon celebration last night even though I’m in the middle of a chaotic move and torn between three places.

I spent all day methodically cleaning and preparing my new space, which was both coincidental and intentional because I’m unpacking boxes and cleansing myself of stuff I don’t need and organizing the things I do need in an aesthetically pleasing but functional way. And when I tuckered myself out I went into the backyard (yay, I finally have a yard 🥺🙏🏻) to commune with nature and eat wild apples while keeping an eye on my exploring housecat. Then I made an eggplant, cauliflower, bok choy, ginger, and green pepper stirfry to enjoy with my sister and her boyfriend (and he made onigiri which was so so tasty), and we drank witches brew and watched the live action One Piece and it was really cozy and cute. But now I’m getting to the part I’m really excited to tell you about! It starts out a bit sad but gets good, I promise.

I have a lot of old trauma that’s manifested itself in awful ways into my body such as chronic pain, chronic nausea, vagus nerve issues, and crippling anxiety, and all of this has recently culminated into the worst my health has ever been. Unfortunately, I was so deep in medical debt from surgeries, doctor appointments, medications, natural remedies, coping devices, therapy appointments, and disorder testing for almost 10 years (which sadly amounted to neither answers nor reprieve), that I couldn’t afford more care or to take time off so I could try to heal, so I was not only still suffering but feeling completely hopeless. On top of all of that, I just went through half a year of horror because I moved in with an old, dear friend who turned out to not be so dear as I thought and he was manipulative, moody, narcissistic, codependent, judgmental, filthy, and disrespectful of my boundaries, so my hair was falling out in clumps due to stress and I wasn’t taking care of my body because I was genuinely afraid to use the bathroom, kitchen, and other living spaces. This friendship loss was really discouraging because I’ve had to let go of both of my best friends this calendar year as well for reasons I don’t want to go into, but let’s just say that they were both habitually selfish, inconsiderate, and emotionally immature, so even though I love them and miss them terribly I had to move on. As if that were not enough, my job was taxing physically, mentally, and emotionally, and was not respecting my scheduling or disability boundaries, and because of staffing issues I felt obligated to work these ridiculous 12+ hour shifts because no one else could or would. All this to say that I felt like a broken-down, miserable, rotten, and weary version of myself and had lots of bitterness, hopelessness, negative energy, and old trappings to release myself from; so moving into a new space right at the change of the seasons would be a perfect time to do it!

What I decided to do when I went back home after dinner was write a list of things I wanted to expel, and I encourage you to do so as well! This can be bad habits, old mentalities, feelings of self-doubt, relationships that no longer serve you, just anything that’s holding you back from the life you want to live. I noted where I would experience sensations in my physical body as I wrote these things down (for example, as I was writing to you above about these friendships, I felt an ache in my chest and a burning sensation in my arms and throat), because that’s where the body is internalizing these feelings and where you’ll have to do extra work in the release process. Now it’s time for the fun part!

First, I played Shake it Off by Taylor Swift and danced, focusing on literally shaking off the old energy from parts of my body where I was experiencing negative physical sensations. I think this song is a great place to start because you can feel pretty silly doing this at first, but the whole vibe of this song is “who cares about looking silly and who cares about what the haters think”. I’m kinda my own biggest hater and have a ton of self doubt, so I actually had to go for a second round of this song until I started feeling comfortable enough, and hey, that’s okay!

Once I got into the grove, I played Dust Me Off by Tilly & the Wall and continued to dance, shake my body, and dust off all the sadness, fear, doubt, anger, hurt, and anxiety that I’ve been holding on to for so so so long. I’m allowed to forgive myself for old transgressions. I’m allowed to move on from ancient painful memories. I’m allowed to put down old habits, feelings, friendships, and places and open myself up to new ones!

Now that I was really releasing, it was time to get spiritual with Shake it Out by Florence Welch. I shook, I spun around, I flailed, until I cast off the “devil on [my] back” and let myself sway to the end of the song. It was cathartic, it was healing, it was soothing, it helped me work off that cookie I had after dinner, and afterwards I had a really wonderful sleep and woke up feeling more empowered to take on the day.

It was such a good exercise that I wanted to share it with everyone and I will definitely be revisiting it next time I’m feeling stagnated, overburdened, or depressed. I’m going to continue in the spirit of Mabon today with a little bit of tea, meditation, and maybe even decorating my altar with some early-autumn leaves, so don’t feel like it’s too late to try this just because Mabon was technically yesterday. 😊🍁🧡

And p.s. Feel free to message me other songs about shaking out the old or dusting off bad feelings. I’m inspired to make a playlist.

P.p.s. It’s in a little bit of a different vein but I just remembered Sweeping Spell by Faun Fables, which is about sweeping out old energies and cleaning up your home while you prepare for the dark season. 🧹🧹🧹

P.p.s.s. I first learned about releasing trauma through physical movement when reading The Body Keeps the Score, but that book is a bit tiresome and the author is a problematic old man, so I will post a list of better books to read on the subject soon 💜💜love yous and I hope you experience more peace after doing this!

[daffy-20]

Bounty on the girl

Chapter 2 - Feeling at fault

(Please all minors get off of this page, I beg of you.)

!Warning! - Not COD original plot, NSFW in some chapters, mentions of abuse, violence, trauma and r@pe.

Kyle(Gaz) Garrick x Johnny(Soap) MacTavish x

Simon (Ghost) Riley x John(Price) x König x Fem!

Reader

Summary - Once you and your bodyguards got back to your place you got them a comfy setup in your living room until you can find them a permanent placement for them. She tries pushing herself to write a new song and produce it but she struggles quite a lot and the interview she has in her schedule doesn’t make it better.

I wipe my forehead after putting down the last blanket and pillows.

“You guys will have to live with this for now. Sorry, but it's gonna take me a hot minute to clear out a room for you guys.” I say as all 5 of them place their stuff down by the couch.

“You do what you can, kay? We will be fine.” Ghost says still keeping that dead expression.

“Ill order something for you guys to eat but I have work to do so I'll be in the room next to the kitchen, ok?” They all nod at my words.

“Ugh! Do ideas! No work done! My brain is completely empty!” I say yelling at myself while slamming my head on my desk.

“Wow, ye’ seems really stressed.” Soap says looking at me while he is grabbing himself a cup of water.

“Sorry you have to see me like this, I just can’t think straight.” I say as he stands in the doorframe of my office.

“Ye’ must really think highly on yer self? Ya?” Soap said looking around the room at all the posters of me preforming.

“I have high expectations, that’s all.” Soap takes a seat in the chair next to mine that was originally Neil’s.

“May I see what ye’ has?” He said looking at my blank sheet of paper.

“Oh, no ideas?” He asks as I groan and hit my head on the desk once again.

“Hey, it's gonna be ok, I've heard your music before, what ye’ have is no ordinary gift.” He said placing his hand on top of mine.

You sat there in complete agony, you had no idea what to do, the interview tomorrow was enough stress and all of these bodyguards living in my house which means more mouths to feed, and so many people..wait…a gift?

“Gift..a gift! That’s it! Soap you are a genius!!” I then give Soap a tight hug and then start writing my song, this just may be my break through.

“No problem sweetheart, I’m proud of ye’” Soap said getting up and walking out of my office.

—————

The next morning I had to wake up early for my interview, the boys were awake before me so they were ready to go already.

I put on a skims red dress that compliments all of my curves and some some black heels. Once I was done with my hair me and the boys were out the door as soon as possible.

“You seem nervous.” Price said placing a hand on my knee as he drove the care.

“Honestly I am, so many families lost loved ones at that concert and I’m just scared.” I say playing with my fingers.

“Don’t be, this isn’t your fault, Schatz.” König says in a quiet tone.

Once we get to our destination I take a deep breath before getting out of the car.

Gaz and Price were in front of me as Soap walked next to me and König and Ghost walked behind me.

“Hello, thank you for joining us today!” One of the reporters said as I took a seat.

“Thank you, it feels good to be here.” I say with a smile on my face.

I was actually not happy to be there, if anything I wanted to go home. I look over at my bodyguards across from me.

“So how have you been since the shooting, people have been saying a lot of things online.” She says reaching out for my hand.

“Oh really? I haven't been on social media much since the shooting.” I say.

“Yes, a woman made a video about it, we were going to show it,” she said pulling up the video on a large screen.

It was an older blonde woman, she was in tears and the caption of the video was ‘This artist should be at fault for my daughter’s death.’. My heart felt like it was about to break into a million pieces but I had to keep my composure.

“This artist was the cause of my daughter's death and should be held fucking responsible.” The older woman spoke.

A picture of what I assumed to be the daughter popped up on the screen and I recognized the girl, I then wanted to cry, it was one of the teenage girls I reached out to.

“This is my daughter, she was 16 years old and would always listen to that bitch’s horrible music, and if she didn't go to that stupidly overpriced concert she would still be alive.”

The video then went completely black as the video turned off.

“Well, how do you feel?” The reporter asked.

“I recognized the girl..she was the last face I saw before the shooting and..” I went completely silent as a tear rolled down my cheek.

“I'm so sorry…I'm sorry for all of the losses at that concert.” I say completely breaking down into tears as I get up and walk out of the building.

I sat in the car with the boys as we drove home in complete silence.

“It's not your fault, love,” Gaz said making me cry even more.

“I know but all of those people, she

was right, if only they didn’t show up her daughter would have been alive…and so many others.” I say trying to stop my crying.

“How about this, we all go out for dinnae and some drinks and just have a fun night, that would cheer ye’ up? Ya?” Soap said looking at me.

“Yea…I guess, can we go home for a bit first.”

“We are here now so of course.” Price says as he parks the car.

—————

“How about we all watch a movie and after we can head out?” Gaz said inviting me over to the couch, we are all in more comfortable clothing and we find a spot either on the floor or on the couch.

I am sitting in between Soap, Gaz and König as for Price and Ghost as leaning against the couch on the floor.

Price was switching between channels until he found one of me preforming from a year ago of me dancing with my old background dancers to my song ‘Miracle’.

“You are very talented, Schatz.” König says in that shy like tone he had earlier.

“Thank you König!” I say with a smile on my face.

Price then finds a movie for all of us to watch and we all start getting more comfortable.

An hour goes by and König, Gaz, and Price were fast asleep.

“If you’d still like to go to a club or something I can take you.” Ghost says as I stand up.

“Oh sure, thank you.” I was about to go to my room when I felt someone pick me up.

“I coming with ye’ darlin'” Soap said making me giggle from his touch.

Soap has made me quite comfortable when it came to these new changes and so has Price but it seems like Soap wants to develop a normal relationship with me, not just a little thing for business.

“Ok, Ok! Let me go get ready!” I say squirming out of his grasp.

I go and put on a sexy black silk dress and some black heels. I put my hair in double Dutch braids and leave out some baby hairs to do my edges up a bit.

“Ok let's go!” I say walking out of my room.

“Do a little spin fo’ me” Soap says with a sly smile on his face.

I do a little spin and we both laugh, I look over at Ghost and see that he doesn't have his skull mask but just a normal mask guessing that's what covers the rest of his face. I saw his eyes travel up and down my figure.

“Glad you can make yourself look presentable.” Ghost said as we start walking out the door.

Once we get to the club Soap almost immediately goes to buy himself a beer.

“Just be careful and if you need anything I'll be sitting right over there.” Ghost said pointing over at a seat near a corner. He clearly did not wanna be noticed.

I almost smile like a child while going over to Soap.

“Ye’ want a drink?” Soap asked.

“No I just want to dance, care to join me.” I ask holding my hand out.

Soap then smirks and takes one last large drink of his beer, gets up and takes me to the dance floor.

Soap had his hand on my lower back as we both swayed to the music, I look over and see Ghost is still sitting there looking directly at me.

“Ye’ is a gorgeous dancer, don't get me fallin’ for ya.” Soap says winking playfully at me.

After about an hour and a half of dancing and drinking, we were about to leave.

“I’m gonna go use the restroom, I’ll be right back!” I say walking to the club bathrooms.

I was fixing up my makeup in the mirror before I hear the bathroom door open.

“Hey there pretty lady, a little bird told me your head is worth over a million dollars, I bet that body of yours is even more.” A tall male with a messy beard and dark hair says with a knife in his hand.

My body goes into a complete panic and I immediately try to lock myself in a stall but he crawls under it.

“Stop trying to hide from me, it won't work,” he said grabbing my face and licking my neck making me feel extremely uncomfortable and sick to my stomach.

I couldn't help but cry, why is this happening? My head is worth millions?

The door then busts open only to see Ghost with a gun in his hand.

“Let her go or I'll blow your head into bits.” Ghost says as the man backs down and runs out of the bathroom stall.

“Are you ok?” Ghost says looking into my eyes with that blank stare like he always does.

I then give him a tight hug, I was horrified and he didn't hug me back but I didn't expect him to which was fine.

“Cmon lets get back to Johnny.” Ghost says making a confused look grow on my face.

Johnny? Who is Johnny? I ask myself as we walk over to Soap. Then it hit me, Soap’s real name is Johnny.

“What happened in there Darlin’?” Soap asks.

“Ill tell you later, lets just go home.” I say as he wraps his arms around me and Ghost.

“Alright then! Let's go~” Soap said clearly drunk.

—————

Once we got back home Ghost immediately got Soap to go to bed, I was feeling super worked up over what happened so I sat in my room trying to understand, what did he mean by my head was worth millions?

“Knock knock.” I look up and seen Ghost standing at my doorframe.

“Oh hey, what's up? Did you need something?” I ask.

“No, I'm just checkin’ on you. You look pretty jumpy.” He said making direct eye contact with me with that same blank stare.

“Well the guy was talking about how my head was worth millions but he was sure my body was worth more, what does that mean?” I ask Ghost.

“Well, the second part sounded like he was going to sell your body to people for money, and in the first part, someone must have put some kind of bounty on your head. Someone out there truly wants you dead.” Ghost said surprisingly still having that blank stare.

“So if they kill me, they get paid tons of money? Wouldn't that be illegal?” I ask in fear.

“Well no shit it's illegal, that's why we are here to protect you isnt it?” He said as he walked away from my door.

He didn't seem too phased by this at all, although I and Soap have some form of a bond I feel like I can't fully trust any of them just yet so there is only one person I can call for help…Dad.

—————

I hope you all enjoyed, <3

[rianafying]

this is not necessarily a happy journal entry but

i’ve had a lot of happy moments lately. and relief. also chaos but that’s nothing unusual, the happiness is. noticed something that made me upset just now. also opened bumble god knows why. i know fully well i don’t want to date, and yet, i opened bumble. it’s not like i have time to kill. in fact, i have no time. there’s so much stuff i’m meant to be doing. i just added a whole bunch of stuff to my master to do list. here comes the hyperventilation. i prayed the other day. i felt so bad that i prayed. can yall imagine how much anxiety it takes to get to a point where i genuinely broke down enough to beg god for help? but it means something. it means i have hope. it means i want things to get better. it means i feel it’s worth it. this is a start contrast to my indifference and disinterest in living last year. things are different now. i am different. nothing changes. everything changes. it feels like a cycle but also there’s something new about it. everytime i regain my will to life. you can’t force these things. it has a mind of its own. also going back to bumble, it’s such a waste of time for me and also it makes me feel a few things: 1) like dating is so strange, i don’t have it in me to do the whole ritual, it’s not organic, it feels forced, and superficial, it’s not for me, not for who i am right now. 2) it makes me think about aspects of myself that i have struggled a lot to make peace with, such as my appearance, my personality etc through the lens of others, like why would i ever subject myself to such torment, when i know i hate being perceived 3) i am too impatient and disinterested to send the first message or to wait for a response and then to carry on a conversation. there’s more points but ill just keep rambling for eternity. why am i even saying all this, why am i thinking so much about it, clearly this has struck something in me, since i feel so strongly about it and am desperately trying to make sense of it. the thing is. i like who i am. i like how things are going. that is not something i can say like ever. but can now. and i’m doing fine. and i do have the time. to be silly. to waste some. i don’t actually have to do the things, i just want to do them. and a break is never long enough to do everything i ever wanted to do. instead i’ll focus on the progress i’ve made, which is anything but little. i should be and i am extremely proud of myself. oh funny thing happened the other day, i accidentally splashed boiling water onto my face and chest when trying to break a bone in my stockpot. and i gave myself a pretty nasty burn that covers more than half my face. the left side. my left. your right. the side with the mole. anyway, so i dealt with it, i’ve been told to avoid exposing my face to the sun or heat in general. so ive been eating a lot of cold foods. and coincidentally watching that episode on gilmore girls where the dragonfly inn catches fire, and sookie can’t use the stoves until the insurance company pays for the contractor to fix them and she lists cold foods, all types of salads and carpaccios. i don’t eat raw meat/fish and i’m over my salad craze. i’m craving a hot roast chicken sandwich with cold tomatoes and zesty mayo on toasted brioche buns. the way i make it. i’m rlly hungry. and there is this lingering melancholy that just grows if i don’t address it every now and then.

for someone who is absolutely terrible at writing, i sure do write a lot. and this is technically writing. right?

even though things are better, i’m not yet okay. my mind still spins too fast. nothing sticks. i’m in distress because my friends are distress. how can we actually be happy if the ones we love are not. so many people so many attachments. it’s been a while since i’ve even had the mental capacity to care for others. i’m hungry as fuck. something is off, something feels bad. is it my hunger. is it my messed up sleep schedule. is it my perpetually cluttered room. is it the pressure of expectations. is it my godawful health, mental or physical. is it eternal.

i can’t fix everything. i can’t fix anything really. i can’t fix things at a rate fast enough to keep up with the pace of destruction. in this life there is too much to fight against. but also too much to fight for. at least i can take solace in the fact that it ends. which is not so much a fact to me as it is a hope. god forbid the heavens exist. i couldn’t take another minute of being, after i have been so relentlessly my whole life. i’m hungry. i’m scared. i’m hopeful. i’m apprehensive. always anticipating danger but never quite ready for it. nothing is ever right enough. except when i find a bit of poetry that changes the fabric of my being. maybe i just need to be receptive in case some poetry finds its way to little old me.

[dastardlydandelion]

a 2024 update

i keep circling back to the idea of deleting my tumblr. i’m not as active as I once was, my schedule changed (and workload intensified) in the time i began this blog to where i am now. the AI is really freaking me out but that’s not just a tumblr problem, (it’s everywhere 😱) so much less of a factor in my contemplation because i know i can't avoid it.

i’m also not the same as i was three years ago and euuugh, some of my early stuff makes me cringe so hard i want to delete just to distance myself from it!!! but like, evolution and change are just natural in the process of existing as a human being. in another three years, i’ll be even more different (albeit my pre-frontal cortex will remain fully developed so the changes will potentially be less pronounced). soo what am i gonna do, reset every three years like a robot getting a new computer chip??

this is going to get longer than i expected, so explanation continues under the cut:

nah. i may not be as active as i used to be and my opinions/interests may have shifted/evolved, but still, so many of my friends are here and there’s all this cool art, and gifsets, and what have you.

since this was and remains mainly a fandom blog, i’ll briefly summarize my major attitude shifts regarding fandom:

on the yellowjackets front, a significant decrease in hostility toward one travis martinez. like…okay I still don’t love that ben sent travis out alone hunting with nat after he pointed a gun! at her fucking face! and I still don’t love the portion of fandumb that straight up ignores that travis pointed a gun at natalie’s face, and yes it was kind of frustrating that the male characters in general got so much screen time in a show that’s supposed to be about female characters but like. none of that is travis the character’s fault— actually ykw, that’s one of my problems generally that i noticed, that i want to grow from— i keep letting fandumb (and content burnout) influence my perception of and response to characters/plot lines/ships rather than organically formulating my interpretations separate from that influence. i mean fandumb generally, not just YJ. blah blah blah, anyway, i apologize, travis martinez. you had to eat your baby brother. you sank your teeth into his freshly carved out raw heart. i want to both examine you from a more organic angle going forward and hug you now.

okay, okay, i was gonna break down my notable shifts in opinion by fandom, but going off of the aforementioned pattern that i have, maybe i should...no, no, let's keep going by fandom, i have that problem in *every* fandom, so.

ST! I FINALLY WATCHED IT. holy cannoli, okay, @lucdarling and @foxgirlontherun are buds that i remember telling for sure, but i know for sure i didn't tell all of my ST pals so i'll touch on that. watched it over the holidays with my grandma, who had been trying to get me to watch for some time and i finally caved.

1.) we get more glimpses of the demogorgon in the first season than i ever gave it credit for. myself of...however many years ago was just too damn impatient waiting to see the whole damn monster. we get a claw here, a growl there, a moving shadow, etc. its introduction was actually well done, so. years-ago me, you were WRONG. WRONG, I TELL YOU, WRONG.

2.) eleven does not have pyrokinesis. i knew she was telepathic (to a degree) and telekinetic, but for some reason, in the past i *also* believed she could set things on fire with her mind. i just thought she used that power less because fire is so destructive. well...now i know she doesn't have pyrokinesis at all!

3.) the byers do NOT live in a trailer. this i did actually learn before watching the show, i learned in 2022 when a bud sent me like, a pic of their lego byers house and i was like, oh. neat. that's not a trailer. 🙃 so that i did become aware before watching, but seeing it onscreen reminded me that i knew.

4.) billy has more canon depth than i had given him credit for, previously having just watched scenes for fic-reference out of context. i apologize, billiam (i don't attribute a shred of that depth to the duffballs, but that's a different rant). i think since i entered the fandom side of things long before watching, i got certain portions of fanon and canon confused. also-- much like with travis and some other examples i'm going to get into-- i let too much fandumb influence my response to him + impression of his role in canon.

5.) steve is nowhere nearly as irritating in canon as i thought he was. the things that i find irritating about steve are-- once again, see above examples --not really anything that has to do with the character himself! i'm sorry, steve!

on that note, sorry hairygrove friends!! i love you guys and it's been a gift getting to know each of you over the last few years, but i was pretty damn mean to steve sometimes! i should've been nicer to steve...and maybe bill, for that matter, but i mean, i'd written so much from his POV i think it goes without saying that i've always had affection for the latter, even if i probably should've given him more credit for canon characterization and been less presumptuous.

obviously having seen the show, i have more developed thoughts on ST overall, but i think those are just...the main differentiations between opinions formulated in the early days of this blog versus where i'm at now. friends of mine who watch ST, if you want to talk about it, i'm happy to! but please DM me personally and don't send asks about it. i don't want to answer asks because those get posted on the main blog. on the main blog the algorithm reads what's posted and sends you suggestions accordingly.

certain parts of ST S4VOL2 make me *extremely* uncomfortable. i scroll past gifs, art, edits, etc, of those parts on occasion already since i have so many ST friends and the algorithm suggests related content. and it's fine...but i don't want to give the algorithm more reasons to show me even more things that make me uncomfortable, you know what i mean?

guess that's it for ST.

so let's revisit the scream franchise!

might as well go ahead and get the biggest change out of the way: i no longer hate dewey riley!

good lord, for years i was just the stabbiest damn crab at that character. 🦀🔪 opinion officially evolved, evolved BIG time. i was once so irritated with dewey i straight up celebrated when he got killed off . the glee at his demise pushed the ghostface that killed him right up to the top of my ranking.

BOOOOOOOOO. BOOOOOOOOO ME.

...okay. i. i'm sorry, dewey.

once again, here goes me with this pattern that i need to stop. me raising up my hackles at fandumb and components of the character that are not *the* character. i don't like the hero cop trope. i don't. the copaganda of it all...but. a character's mere status of falling into a category of trope or cliche shouldn't discourage thorough examination of them, their personalities, role in the story, or other traits. that's a very small way to interact with fiction, isn't it? i've since moved on from that knee-jerk dismissal.

i also was also a huge flipping grinch when it came to romance for a long ass time (will touch on this later) and so much of dewey's story is about the romance between him and gale. which is...actually a pretty solid romantic storyline, i realize after multiple earnest re-watches of the franchises. dewey has a solid arc! gale has a solid arc! their romance has a solid arc! should not have complained about this nearly as much as i did. maybe it's because of the chemistry between the performers, but all their banter throughout the movies that i once rolled my eyes at...it...it works! okay, it works, they made it work.

i no longer rejoice that dewey is killed off (albeit the scene itself is still pretty freaking cool). amber definitely *isn't* my ghostfave. she's NOT at the bottom of my list but NOT at the top. actually-- wait, no, that can wait, i'm not done with dewey yet...or am i, do i have anything else to say about dewey?

okay, he's not my favorite character, but. he's a classic and he's lovable and i won't fight it anymore because of petty irritations or my personal issues with a trope that in no way makes up the whole of his character.

since we're on scream, whoa, GHOSTFACE RANKING HAS EVOLVED 11/10!

yes, oh, that is so much different than where it was when i started this blog! also very different after recency bias + initial script + the dewey kill scene undeservedly shot amber to the top of my ranking in early 2022.

i'm not going to detail my ranking in this post. that could easily be its own post with its own thorough dissections of which ghostface takes which slot and why. but i will bring up another scream character whose opinion of mine has greatly changed over time: richie kirsch.

i was so irritated by this guy before. couldn't stand him! and you guessed it, for the wrong reasons! i was put off by a lot of the outpouring of the horny focus on him in fandom. not shaming anybody for their preferences by the way! look, i have my own villain crushes (see beth, who is at the top of my ranking again although we'll save the details for another day). it's just...it was kind of frustrating back then to want to gush about the carpenter sisters and mostly find myself surrounded by risque white male centered content instead. i hope that's understandable. so i got burned out on richie content and dismissed the whole character. i was also VERY put off by radio silence's interpretation of their ghostface duo in 2022 but that's a different conversation and again, not richie the character's fault.

richie is funny! okay, he's funny, yes, the "boner pills" line is still irritating, but now...now when i re-watch 5cream i can appreciate him more and the humor of richie *mostly* lands for me! i also think scream VI made me appreciate richie more, because his family is so underdeveloped and wayne's actor made...choices with that performance. but again, that's something i would get into more if i were to detail the evolution of my ghostface ranking.

i think that's it for the major changes in my scream feelings...what other fandoms...

okay, cobra kai? how have my opinions evolved there?

ykw, that one might be mostly the same. the show got worse. it got so bad. it's so bad now, it just bums me out. the one thing i truly wanted from that show was for tory nichols to get the screentime she deserved and for the show to deliver on her hidden depths alluded to the first three seasons. my wish was granted in sheer monkey paw fashion, because they finally did that and pretty much the rest of the show went to shit, go figure. 💩

um...hmm...SHIPPING.

oh, okay, shipping. yeah, let's talk about that. not fandom specific, just um. okay, at the time i started this blog i was never what the kids call 'antis' in that i have some moral beef with fan content of fictional characters falling in love or doing sex things. no, no, that's pretty silly. BUT what i was, was a huge grinch!!! just the mention of romance made me scrunch my face. wouldn't read/write/engage with any shippy things beyond some extremely particular F/F content.

as someone who prefers F/F because it's what i relate to, i know at some point i was just burned out on everything fandom being so heavily M/M focused and everything canon being so heavily F/M focused. i also have feelings about the way M/F is portrayed in canon media due to misogynistic tropes and storylines. but even where F/F was concerned, i was so picky. picky as a damn porcupine.

i believe a combination of things has finally let me to loosen up when it comes to shipping and romance in general.

1.) limiting my engagement with it, allowing me to recover from the burnout.

2.) getting over personal romantic issues IRL that tainted my engagement in fictional romance.

3.) YELLOWJACKETS. i have many complaints with s2 but nevertheless, YJ has given us so many complex, rich female characters with interesting dynamics. and the exploration of those dynamics is abundant, varied, and so thoughtfully explored in YJ fandom that i am hooked! i feel more invested in expanding my F/F pool and i feel less overrun by the greater amount of M/M and M/F content because these fascinating characters and the earnest effort fandom puts into depicting multilayered relationships between them just...evens the playing field, i guess, if we're gonna make a soccer pun. ⚽️

4.) watching romances + romantic subplots with women behind the camera. turns out, the less misogyny involved, the more genuinely i can enjoy an M/F ship. go figure, huh.

anyway, i'm not such a stab crab about romance anymore. i know i have many fandom friends who *are* interested in shipping and i apologize if i was ever cramping your style or bringing you down when i would express my disgruntlement. i hope you can forgive me, i promise to be less of a grinch now. 💚

🦀🔪 fandom opinions that have not changed:

1.) THE BLACK PHONE. waited a year, paid $30 to watch ethan hawke put plates on the floor for an hour! NO! i want a refund!!! WASTED POTENTIAL. GONNA HOLD THIS GRUDGE FOREVER.

2.) the CAOS finale was absolutely disgusting! it was never a great show, sarah rees brennan who wrote the tie-in novels should've been in charge of the screenplay, imo. the novels did so much, so much better, but i digress...mediocre show or not, that fourth season took bad to a whole new level. 🤢

3.) ALEX SAXON CANNOT ACT. i appreciate nancy drew (2019) presenting to me F/M ships (namely fanson) i could actually get into because of the way the dynamics were written but the nace obsessions baffles me when the acting in MTV scream was oscar-worthy compared to this man's sheer lack of ability to emote.

...unless....unless the editors of the show hated alex saxon and only used edits they knew were bad in the finalized episodes in order to sabotage his career going forward. but i have no proof, it's just a possible conspiracy theory. 🤔

non-fandom relevant blog thoughts:

i love interacting with my friends, building connections, and admiring the creativity people put out into the world in various forms. i want to be more focused on that, online and offline, than negativity. i also don't want my apprehension surrounding AI to prevent me from engaging with the digital world and the wonderful human people i've gotten to know through it.

i want to think about nature more than the things that make me so angry, so beyond my control. i want to share animal facts and pictures of forests and funnily shaped rocks. i want to spend more time making people laugh than spiraling into personal insecurities...i don't think my blog was ever a *particularly* negative place, but oh boy, i could certainly be a crab with TWO knives...

there's plenty to be afraid of and be angry about with the expansion of AI and its grip on the digital world. i guess the whole purpose of this post was just to express 'these are the things that have changed and my priorities have also changed.' with that, i really want to focus more on creative things, fun things, funny things, and share more joy than anything else.

there's only so much time. i want to spend the bulk of it cherishing the connections we make, more than anything else.