#there’s literally like six thousand people and most of them are old and homophobic
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Ugh I hate living in a small town sm 😫 I’ve been around the same people entire life and all I want is to find a cute girl to cuddle with but there’s literally no lesbians here 😢
Honestly feeling like I’m gonna be alone and a virgin forever (yes I know that sounds pathetic but stfu I’m in my sad girl era) cuz there’s just like no one here to really get with here. Everyone’s either homophobic or old or both. It sucks :/
#doesn’t help that I don’t really drive either#so it’s not like I can really drive anywhere to meet anyone#hate it here#there’s literally like six thousand people and most of them are old and homophobic#feeling really touch starved rn#I just want some cuddles#okay sorry rant over#not nsft#for once lol#wlw#sapphic#lesbian#wlw yearning#sapphic yearning#lesbian yearning#wlw and nblw only#sapphic problems#lesbian problems
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so basically here’s a script of “Basically I’m gay” by Daniel Howell, if someone needs it
link to a google doc
Hello Internet.
«Sex! Secrecy! And a whole lot of internal screaming. Starring Daniel Howell. One of the greatest mysteries of our generation. What is Dan’s sexuality?»
Spoiler alert. I’m not straight. Sex, the foundation of life and the only thing we’re really supposed to do. Everyone’s obsessed with it. You bunch of degenerates. In the list of things that identify a person, one of the most important for other people to know is their sexuality. For, if sex is the primal force propelling all of these humans forward by their hips, they have to know. Are we gonna fuck? Or like could we? Or are you, ‘cause I’m just wondering. Now, we live in a heteronormative world, which is a long scary word that makes people feel attacked for some reason. Shh it’s okay.
What it means is people are presumed to be straight. If you’re not, then at some point, you have to “come out”, which is a whole thing. Or people might just try and guess based on something you do or the way you act, because yay stereotypes. So this is something you have to be clear on, because if you’re not, how are all these other people that aren’t you going to cope? But I’m pretty sure no one that knows me thinks I’m straight. So I don’t really need to come out as much as just clarify what the hell is going on. As here I am at age 27 and my sexual preference is seemingly still a vague, debatable, confusing, impenetrable mystery. But why? And what is it? Well, those are some big questions. Are you sure you wanna know my answers?
[YES]
Okay, well, if you say so 'cause this is a complicated and sensitive issue and when it comes to me, boy, there is a lot to unpack here and it is a total clusterfuck. So strap yourselves in and let me tell you a queer little story about a boy named Dan.
Chapter 1 – The Word
♪ When I was a young boy ♪
♪ My father ♪
Didn’t have much time for me because my conception was clearly an accident and he was a narcissistic proud man suddenly inconvenienced in the prime of his life and this emotional neglect gave me lasting problems.
Sorry that’s not all relevant right now.
I was an only child for seven years and with working parents. This meant I had to make my own fun so I was imaginative and loud which is something that my teachers used to say quite a lot followed by, “However.” Here I am age five. Look at me. Cute, poised, sassy, turning out this photo shoot like sorry, Grandma, I stunted on this set. Are you seeing this? In almost every way, I literally peaked age five. I loved being the center of attention. People said I had an infectious happiness, that my beaming smile brought them hope and joy. People that know me are laughing right now. But a boy, in the '90s being happy and generally polite acting? Sounds kinda GAY if you ask me. Literally, masculinity was so fragile, people were so proud and scared and society so aggressive that a boy smiling!?.. appearing to be empathetic or in any way emoting was seen as a threat. How dare they laugh and feel comfortable? They must be soft and weak and girly and GAY. So basically thanks, Grandma, for raising me to be a nice child, you dick. Just kidding. That’s a joke and I told you not to watch this video because it would be rude so if you send me a disappointed text telling me you’re offended, I don’t know what to tell you. Although, now I think about it, you did make me go to church for 10 years, which in hindsight probably also didn’t help ♪ Hallelujah ♪ the issue here so. But then it was time for little Dan to go to school and this is when it
♪ All went wrong ♪
'Cause it turns out most children, evil pieces of shit. Doesn’t matter if you try to raise a happy innocent child, throw that kid into school, aka, a literal Mad Max Battle Royale with the feral offspring of your local community. Yeah, that crap’ll be undone in about two weeks. I was six years old running around the playground pretending to be Sonic the Hedgehog or something when two brothers come up to me aged seven and eight with an unexplained aggressive look in their eye. And the younger one pushes me to the ground, kicks me in the stomach, and just says, “GAY.”
This was the first time I ever heard that word. Well, I don’t know what the heck gay means but apparently it means people kick you on the floor so that ain’t good. I didn’t know this child or give them any cause to have an opinion on me. And, actually, I never directly interacted with them again. What epic clustershit of failed parenting and general culture brought this tiny child to get angry and attack someone, then call them gay for looking like they were having fun outside. Are you okay, 1990s? And so my relationship with sexuality began.
I wasn’t looking to define myself as a child indiscriminately playing doctors and nurses with various friends until once somebody’s mum walked into a room to find three fully naked children sat on a bed sticking sellotape to each other’s butts. Yep, which I don’t recommend. Also, Jesus Christ, the poor woman that saw that. Then you get to the magic age around 10 or 11 where everybody suddenly wants to pretend they’re totally a “cool teenager” who’s doing all the drugs and the sex and the fights, totally. Boy, gay was a really popular word back then.
[[Boy] Uh, homework is gay. [Girl] Uh, my mum’s so gay. [Boy] Uh, you touched a girl, gay.]
This one little shit who I won’t name was one of the school bullies and he loved the word gay. He had it in for me and I have no idea why. You know me, Mr. Winnie the Pooh Meets Slender Man. Well, when I was 10 just Winnie the Pooh. I didn’t do nothin’ to no one ever and yet this guy used my pacifism as a punching bag where any group situation was an excuse to single me out call me gay for some reason and then make everyone else exclude me because they were scared of him. I had a girlfriend. We dated for six whole weeks. We kissed in a game of spin the bottle once by literally sucking on each other’s faces. Then she ended dumping me over speakerphone at a birthday party that everyone in my class but me was invited to but, hey. I don’t know what I was doing wrong, but at this age, I understood one thing. Being gay, whatever that meant, was clearly the worst thing you could be. On a Darwinian level, I was being told, okay bitch, “Survival Code”. Don’t be this apparently. Evolution. Plot twist, this bully I think he was a bit gay because once he asked me to have a sleepover at his house and I thought was me finally getting socially accepted only for him in the middle of the night to come up and ask me, “So who’s going to be the boy and the girl?” I was an innocent smol bean who didn’t really understand what he meant because, to be honest, I didn’t actually understand get how babies were made yet. But needless to say I think he was disappointed. Wow, closeted child turns into homophobic bully. Thanks again society. But this whole primary school journey was really just an amuse-bouche for the full six-course tasting menu of suffering that would be secondary school.
I went to an all-boys school. It was a literal hellscape. I thought it was hard making it through a school of 200 kids with two or three bullies. Try over a thousand where a clean 800 are fully psychopathic gorillas fueled by testosterone, Red Bull, and Eminem albums. Making sure that the word f- no longer means an innocent bundle of sticks or a cigarette anymore in the British lexicon. Nope, now it was a cool homophobic slur along with gay, gaylord, gayboy, puff, pufter, ponce, batty, batty boy, bum-boy, bender. Shit, this is so long. People have a lot of words for something they don’t wanna think about. Look at me in this stupid blazer. Oh, “you’ll grow into it at some point in the next four years”. Thanks, Mum. Day one, kid in form class, some stupid hedgehog-looking motherfucker side eyes me and says, “What you lookin at, puff?” First interaction at a new school. Great! My entire existence on a daily basis then becomes navigating this school like I’m in the bloody “Maze Runner” trying to avoid aggressive pricks with chode ties. And you know being verbally abused for being a nerd or a Greebo at least felt relevant to me at the time. Greebo, definitely one of my faves there and I’m sure that Korn and Slipknot would have been proud to have 12-year-old me as a fan. I kinda knew who I was in the hierarchy at that point. I was essentially a theater kid who spent all of his free time playing Runescape on the AOL browser on his mum’s PC instead of football. I accepted it. But at least I wasn’t actually this “gay thing” people kept throwing around because by now I understood a gay is a boy who fancies other boys. And to be honest I don’t really feel like I’ve ever fancied anyone before.
Then puberty happened.
Oh yeah, this is fun, tingly feelings, I smell bad. It was quite fun dribbling on this girl’s face playing Truth or Dare, maybe later we’ll go behind that bike sheds and, there I was sat in English class, my friend next to me. I watched as he delicately removes a pencil from its case. We briefly make eye contact as he flutters his long black eyelashes with a blink before staring forward. His eyes are so bright and beautiful yet they seem so sad and deep with emotion. I wish I could just understand. Oh fuck, I think I’m a bit gay. You’re telling me this whole time I actually have been the bad thing that people keep calling me? Shit!
Chapter 2 – Feelings
Oh do you hear it that faint hum, something coming from a deep, dark place too powerful to control? It’s the self-hatred. She is here and she’s only getting started. Short version, I fall hopelessly in love with a friend of mine who doesn’t feel the same way which crushes me into a million tiny pieces and years later actually it turns out he was gay the whole time. He just really specifically didn’t like me. [Double kill.] Here I am, 13, crying to evanescence alone in my bedroom feeling like there’s no point in really being alive as I’m clearly a faulty outcast person that has no place in the world. I stopped going to church with my grandma because I felt like I wasn’t really supposed to be there. Also, by this age, the whole Christianity thing didn’t really make much sense to me. And the adult services were dry AF compared to coloring in a picture of Jesus’s face at Sunday school. So other than the free tea and biscuits they gave away after the sermon, religion didn’t really have much to offer me. Damn, there was some good biscuits though. I miss that. But wait! All is not lost yet. Do you see that? A triumphant, rallying cry of guitars, stripey hoodies, and black hair dye. Emo had arrived! I swear to God, emo is one of the best things that happened to pop culture in the last 20 years. As well as inventing eyeliner and skinny jeans, a new word hit the theater, nerd, goth, band, kid corner that would change my world forever.
Bisexual. You can be normal and gay at the same time and some people think it’s cool? Well, slap a long fingerless glove on my arm and sign me up to Myspace 'cause Mum, I’m bi. It was a good term 'cause it was a catchall for anyone who felt sexually confused or curious that didn’t want to commit to something stronger which is very me. Big commitment issues. Thanks, fam. To be clear, regardless of whatever the 2006 teenagers thoughts and feelings were, being bi is valid and should not be excused away or erased by anyone. Thank you.
From this moment, I was a loud and proud raving bi to my close friends and the strangers on the internet who saw my clearly-labeled sexual preference on my Myspace page. And the emo friends I made at this time were awesome. We just used to hang and make out with each other and listen to music and drink bottles of Smirnoff Ice until we were sick on each other with no judgment. The judgment came several years later looking back at the photos that you can’t delete. So I didn’t need to tell my family or people at school anything. But the thing is with a Myspace page, anyone with an internet connection can read it. And so the rumors started spreading through my neighborhood that Dan Howell was in fact a bisexual. I had a friend in French class who one day, totally unprompted, just turned to me and said, “Hmm, yeah, I thought so. You give off a bi-vibe.” A bi-vi-, what the fuck is a bi-vibe? Great, yeah, nothing to make a 15-year-old feel self-conscious about his behavior like being told he emanates a bisexual aura. What am I supposed to do with that? Sorry that I give off mixed signals. I’m versatile. Turns out it was actually a social upgrade from being called gay all the time 'cause bisexual was a new word that only referred to sexuality so people actually had to decide how they felt about the fact I was attracted to boys. As opposed to gay which as we all understand is synonymous with bad and also implies a general threat, plague, curse/evil force that simply must be destroyed. People at school were actually almost nice to me with curiosity about it and a few of the boys that previously loved to just generically call me gay while throwing a compasses at me or something, now started to low-key flirt with me and some stuff happened. Go figure.
But then I entered the dark ages and no I’m not talking about my hair because I was never actually cool enough to commit to dying it black. As quickly as they arrived into my life, my emo friend group vanished into the night. Like the tip of an eyeliner pencil snapping or the HTML on your intricately-crafted MySpace page falling apart when the host websites of your embedded gifs die, so, too, did my social life. One had to suddenly focus on school, another moved town, two of them just fell out with each other and started hanging out with their old friends again. Well, we don’t all have back up friend groups, Lindsey! I went all in on the emos! You’re telling me I have to go back to sitting in my kitchen playing Runescape now! Thanks a lot. So for a year I literally had no friends. And this is when the bullying at school really stepped its pussy up. The things people used to say offhand to me in a corridor were now said loudly in classrooms where everybody would laugh. People used to sing songs about me being gay on the bus while my fellow nerds sat around me just stared awkwardly out of the window not wanting to get involved. People shouted things out during GCSE exams in front of the whole school and the low key pushing became punches. People used to wait for me after school just to throw things at me. Once a guy put his hand around my throat and pushed my head against a coat peg in the locker room while everyone was watching and just slapped me for five minutes. But I never reacted. I never cried or got angry or fought back 'cause then I’d be giving them what they wanted and I refused to play along. But this way of dealing with things definitely had an impact on my relationship with emotion going into life. I became a total outcast. No one wanted to come near me out of fear that they’d get targeted, too. So no one ever stood up for me. And, you know, I don’t blame them. I just resent them even to this day. No, I’m kidding, I don’t really. I do. No, I don’t. I, hmm. Teachers at the time obviously did nothing. In fact, one of them saw this happening to me and laughed 'cause you know, boys will be boys especially the gay ones that get killed by the other ones, am I right? Ah, classic lad banter. And home. See, keeping this on the topic of sexuality and not economic class, violence, addiction, and health issues, let’s just say some shit was goin’ down. I didn’t think I could ask my family for help or share my feelings about this, mainly due to my dad. Funny guy, kind of a woke hippie who did and said a lot of things I did respect but at the same time used to walk around the house saying how he hoped someone he had a problem with at work would *clears throat* “die of bum cancer.” Yep, so picked the one area to be a bigot that would further traumatize your child. Nice! This experience coming from a childhood hearing the word gay meaninglessly thrown around as an insult at home and school, in music, on TV, to then realizing I am actually kinda gay, to then very specifically being attacked for it was traumatic. The world was clearly telling me if I ever wanted to be accepted by anyone or, in my particular environment, survive, I couldn’t be gay. I was afraid of it, literally homophobic of myself. I am talking Pavlov, sunken place, North Korea-level mind alteration that made me terrified of and repulsed by this part of me. This is called internalized oppression. It’s a real thing and it’s some real shit.
Chapter 3 – Internalized Oppression
From this moment I was no longer advertising myself as bi. No, BRB deleting that Myspace real quick, xD lemme get on that Bebo. “My Chemical Romance”? No, I’m listen to what’s this, N-Dubz? Jesus Christ. I go away for the summer break and come back to school quiet and serious and fully straight. *coughs* I needed me some new friends that were a bit higher up the social ladder, you know what I’m sayin’ for security so I go ahead and join “The Inbetweeners”. Literally this group of friends, the exact middle ground between nerds and desperately wanting to be cool. And oh how desperate we were. The great thing about these friends was they knew loads of girls. So firstly, instant cool points. Secondly, if I date a girl *scoffs* super not gay. The problem with that was it’s not like everyone just forgot everything that’s been said about me and this group of friends, casually homophobic pretty much all the time and also they hung out in places near some even more aggressive and super homophobic peeps. Just full-time Runescape would have been a better in hindsight. I find myself going through the same shit at school but now voluntarily going through it at the weekends from the people that are supposed to be my friends thinking I’m doing the right thing whilst constantly telling myself I’m now totally heterosexual. So I did what many people choose to do at that point and I got a girlfriend. But this is pretty messed up because I really liked this girl. In fact, I loved her as a friend and I was genuinely attracted to her but I was so afraid of sexuality I didn’t even wanna do anything straight in case I had some weird gay panic that I was totally frigid and I led her on. And when she got pissed at me, understandably, for being a terrible boyfriend, I just felt even worse. This was someone who I liked that I was hurting and lying to but I couldn’t leave as then I’d have no armor. Beautiful irony here is having a girlfriend didn’t in any way stop the abuse 'cause remember, gay is a great all-purpose general insult. (Call someone gay today and we’ll throw in a free set of steak knives.) And when these neighborhood teens started heavy drinking and getting into drugs, things suddenly got quite scary as people joked about setting fire to a tent as I slept in it at Reading Festival. Or saying, “You know that notoriously unstable guy? Yeah, he said he’s gonna kill you next Saturday.” Awkward.
This was definitely the lowest point in my life. I just felt totally alone, confused and I deeply hated myself. I used to ask God, in case he was there, to please, just make me straight and everyone stop. But I saw no end, no escape, no way to change the world or who I was. So one evening I thought fuck it and I attempted suicide.
I say attempted, because just before it was too late I thought
“oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit what have i done what have i done fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck?”
“what will your grandma think don’t do this to her she tried her best and she loves you”
“your family aren’t total dicks and this will fuck them up can’t you just get over it surely”
“you’re gonna get to the last year of school and give up now really what was the point”
“I heard this is one of the most painful ways to die so not a great choice if I’m being blunt”
Felt kinda bad for a few days otherwise I pretended it never happened and I didn’t tell anyone, until now, literally. Hmm, I know pretty dark right, but hey spoiler things kinda worked out. I mean still gotta lot of issues but here I am. I’m so glad I failed for so many reasons, for the people in my life, for the future I would’ve wasted. The most important being that I thought I was trapped in a situation forever when in reality, the entire world I lived in and my life changed completely. I thought it was hopeless when in reality there was so much to hope for and that’s it. Time changes everything. With the lives that we have, we can try anything we’ve dreamed of. I want anyone that’s ever felt like this to realize you are never trapped. There is always hope. You just need to believe in yourself and get to the other side. So yeah school age 6 to 18, I’m gonna give that a bad Google review. The thing is I did stand out. I’ve always been a loudmouth, class clown, annoying shit. Since graduating, it turns out half the people I knew were fuckin’ gay. That group of friends I had, all lovely people now. Five of them were gay, five gays! That is statistically irregular. Oh but they flew under the radar. All I’m saying is I wish people just hated me for being annoying and immature. Leave the gays alone!
My light at the end of the tunnel was university. I was gonna get my A levels move to a new town and ghost these bitches. But I took a gap year first to earn some money which was very boring sitting at home and working at ASDA where I was not happy to help. My shift started at 5 a.m. on a Saturday. Signed up for a Twitter account to run my mouth off and then bam. “So my name is [Dan].” My YouTube story begins, a new chapter of my life to redefine. So you know what I do? Get a Formspring because nothing gives you that attention feeling like one of those anonymous question and answer websites that are inherently toxic and no one should use. And straight out of the bat bisexual Dan returns. 'Cause hey, just like Myspace, I’m only telling a few people on the internet right now. It’s not like one day I’m gonna get so many followers that random strangers and my family might see it. Wow, I had a lot fun with many different kinds of people in 2009. Let’s just say I got a lot out of my system. Got a couple of things in my system, too. Sorry.
And this is when, through the magic of the internet, I met Phil. And obviously we were more than friends but it was more than just romantic. This is someone that genuinely liked me. I trusted them. And for the first time since I was a tiny child, I actually felt safe. And the relationship we formed at that point was something that I needed in my life. We are real best friends, companions through life, like actual soulmates, not that souls are a real thing that exist. It’s so lucky to just find someone you can be that compatible with and especially to anyone that has experienced the kind of self-hatred that I have dealt with, one person accepting you can make all the difference. And I bet so many people wanna know so much more about that which, honestly, I take as a compliment. But here’s the thing. I’m somebody that wants to keep the details of my personal life private. So is Phil. I know lots of people these days, thanks to social media, want to share and monetize every aspect of their life and then as soon as something changes suddenly it’s this huge drama because everybody got invested in the story of your life like it’s a soap opera. I don’t want that. I wanna do certain things without an audience. I wanna be spontaneous. I don’t wanna feel afraid to take risks. I want to enjoy totally fucking something up and not have to post a statement about it. And if anyone thinks people really have to share these things about their life, you need to rethink your position. And look, I understand that sex is a fun and interesting thing to talk about. I get it. I am also a disgusting pervert. But the specific minutiae of who I be fuckin’, when, why, where, how long, how, uhh, I mean? Sexuality is a general fact that it can be very useful to know about a person for several reasons, but we can’t force people to disclose that either. We don’t know this person’s life story, what they’ve been through, if they haven’t told people, if they’ll lose their job, if they’re in danger. There are so many reasons someone might not be open about it. We can preach the message that being out is good, but aggressively speculating or trying to out someone is really bad. They might not be gay, in which case we’re just harassing someone and probably stereotyping. And if they are there’s gonna be a reason why they haven’t talked about it. So I don’t wanna see any responses to me finally talking about this like no one is surprised. “Dan we been knew.” Wow, you huge galaxy brain genius. What’s it like walking around with all those brain cells in there working overtime? What, you got like three in there? Don’t lose your balance, mastermind. I haven’t exactly been subtle have I? I’m an awkward, sexually ambiguous nerd. “What the fuck even is your sexuality?” That’s not the point. I’m already dead inside so it doesn’t matter here, but to me if someone’s reaction to a person coming out is just, “yeah, I knew”, they’re showing no empathy towards the issue or that person. They’re just making it about themselves like it was a fun piece of gossip they already knew. All we have to do is listen and be accepting.
So anyway back to the tale. Whilst things were looking up for Dan aged 18, things quickly got messy again. Wow, that beats the emo streak of temporary self-acceptance by like six months, nice. There was a point around 2011 where the relationship with my audience shifted from what felt like direct communication between me and individuals that just saw me as a comedy creator to communities of people that formed to talk about me when I wasn’t there. Which is fine, but for some people it was about getting generally invested in me and my real life which I thought was a bit strange 'cause inevitably like anyone who puts themself out there, some people started to really dig into my private life to find out information about me that I wasn’t ready to share. And this was around the same time that YouTubers finally started to get mainstream recognition in the British press. We had the BBC knocking at our door trying to offer Dan and Phil a radio show. From that, Dan and Phil became this entertainment duo that we could have a creative career with. And we love working together, so when all these opportunities came for Dan and Phil, we were really excited but I was also scared as people clearly knew I wasn’t straight and I hadn’t told my family that. None of my old friends knew about this, and what me and Phil had was ours and personal and yet some people were trying to get access to it for their own satisfaction. It was no longer a few people on the internet, no big deal. So I just shut down. It felt like I was back at school again, surrounded by threatening people trying to expose me for their entertainment. Most I’m sure just wanted what was best for me and I feel such genuine sadness and am sorry that I couldn’t be closer to and more truthful with the people in my life that were just trying to be nice but I wasn’t ready to deal with it at this time so I had to do something to contain it. I definitely sent some mixed messages. Some were just joking around, others were super defensive that in my panic came across like “I’m now telling everyone I’m totally straight” when all I really meant was “please fuck off and don’t invade my privacy, you creepy stalkers, thank you”. But this experience seriously triggered some PTSD in me and I was back in the dark place. I didn’t want to just disappear from the internet to escape it and throw away this creative hobby that actually started paying rent. Thanks. So I just decided to put anything to do with my sexuality in a box to come back to later as I was still processing my past and I wanted to understand my identity on my own terms and timeline and not just have it hijacked as fuel for people’s sexual fantasies or some headline in an article. And whilst we’re not exactly living in a utopia yet here on YouTube, the general internet culture only five or six years ago was a much less wholesome, progressive place as this little bubble is now. Sure, a lot of people probably would have been supportive, but there was just as much open bigotry and general toxicity 'cause people felt less accountable and it was okay to say certain things 'cause it’s just on the internet and I couldn’t handle that at the time. And, generally, I can handle a lot. I have big hands with a very wide reach for playing piano, you fucking.. get your mind out of the gutter. We can’t ask people to just put their lives on hold to address their sexuality first. If a kid dreams of being a footballer and age 18 gets signed to a club and all their dreams come true but they’re scared to come out because of the insane homophobia in that community, they shouldn’t turn it down. Yes, it’s so important to be truthful about who you are and open and proud in front of the world but it’s our society’s fault that these people are scared to say who they are. So let’s all focus on making it a welcoming place and people will come out when they are ready. So when was I ready? Well, it’s always been on my mind that I need to talk about this at some point. I couldn’t just keep going forward in my life ignoring it, not only just so I can be authentic, which is very important for general existing, but also just letting people know what kind of sexual attention I want from the world. All of it from everyone. God I’m so thirsty. And if anything motivated me, it’s the idea that I can help someone else 'cause that’s basically my whole career, isn’t it, admitting to shit that I’ve been through so you will feel better about yourselves. There we go, you’re welcome. I have a platform and a following of millions of people, many of whom I know have been through exactly what I have. And if I tell my story as painful and flip floppy and flawed as it is, I know it will mean something to someone as every time someone speaks openly about sexuality, it saves lives. I’d never met a single out gay person until I was 18. And if I had, or even just seen better representation in the media, I wouldn’t have felt so totally alone. I wouldn’t even be saying this to you now if it wasn’t for TV shows, musicians, and public figures in the last couple years reinforcing this to me. It doesn’t matter if I was living the life privately as there was still so much confusion about my feelings and fear. But things are better now, on the internet, on TV, in my real life. It’s not perfect but it feels safe enough in this space right now for me to feel confident. So thank you, sincerely, to all the brave people that came before me and to any of you that made this world seem welcoming for me. And instead of procrastinating from this by focusing on work, which was a way for me to insure my own independence and survival in case I was rejected, or just doing things for other people to take my mind off it instead of asserting my own needs, which my therapist keeps telling me is one of my biggest problems. Here I am with a fresh void of time in front of me to fuck up however I want. Now look, we all have different experiences in life. Some of us are lucky, some of us not. It just so happened that the first 18 years of my life were horrendously shit. It failed me. But we get dealt cards from the start, too. If you look at my life, I was born into this world as an able-bodied, white, cis-man in Britain which immediately gives me so much privilege in this current world and I am fully aware of how much harder making it to today could have been for me, which is why we all need to stand up for equality and social justice even if it doesn’t apply to us. No one stood up for me when it mattered the most and that almost cost me everything. So if you see a woman being harassed, a gay being threatened, someone muttering something racist, say something, do something because if you’re still or silent, the victim will just think that you are against them, too. We all have a responsibility.
This tale was just some of the stuff relating to sexuality. We all have a whole sob story if we wanna tell it but I just wanted to explain the journey of how I got to this point and overcame the obstacles that tried to block this path. And now I’ve arrived.
Chapter 4 – Labels
Okay cool story, bro, it’s answer time. What’s your answer. Whaddayalikedafuk? Here’s the thing, you want me to talk candidly about sexuality as if it’s something that I understand? I don’t know what it is, why it is. Turns out no one knows. I’ve been sitting here for years waiting for scientists to just work it out like bleep bloop. [Oh this is why and exactly how it’s different for people. There we go.] Thinking I shouldn’t run off my mouth on the internet in case my theories and opinions on varying gayness get debunked next week. Well, I waited long enough and it didn’t happen. Science, ya fucked up, you let me down. And I fully expect to have to delete this video in two weeks when you find out all the answers suddenly. Thanks a bunch. What makes someone gay or straight or all the things in between? What the ever loving fuck is gender about? This is a mess. Yet people want you to give them a word because that’s how humans communicate with words that have meanings. Which is why our disgusting species is impatient, stupid, and obsessed with labels. And this applies to everything, sexuality, gender, political identity, what obscure genre of synthwave you listen to. People just want a label that represents something they understand so they already know how to feel about you and don’t have to bother thinking. [Oh you’re a feminist well I don’t need to know anything more. Oh you’re a leftist. Oh you’re a K-pop fan but but but but.] If people just want to find a way to disagree with you or dislike you, they can refer to the label and turn off their brains. Hey, what does my label say? Huh. The issue is, especially when we start talking about the writhing mass of confusion and suffering that is sexual and gender identity, the limits of language and specific terminology become a big problem. What does being gay mean? You never thought about a boob once? What does being a man mean? You wanna be an emotionless rock rubbing raw steaks against your biceps? It’s not like humanity is all in agreement right now. I don’t like the stereotypes and drama that come with all this terminology so I’m just not gonna use it. Thing is gender identity isn’t my issue. I feel comfortable with the identity that I’ve had my whole life. Dan, a tol boy from England. But being a man means nothing to me. I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable wearing makeup or a sickening pair of heels, though I can’t even draw in a straight line so that would be a disaster. Also is anyone really comfortable wearing heels? Hmm. Icons of masculinity aren’t really a big part of my life. Might as well call me a fucking formless blob that sounds more relatable. Shout out to all my formless blobs out there, rise up. I don’t have to do anything or be anything and I personally wouldn’t feel offended if I wasn’t referred to as a he. Well, she’s feeling hungry today. Stop fucking judging me, Susan. I’m sad and I’m gonna eat this whole damn cake whether you like it or not. But anyone that has this don’t really care attitude about their gender identity is in a way privileged 'cause some people, especially trans, care a lot about their gender identity and using the correct pronouns which other people should respect. Likewise with sexuality, whilst to me the endlessly increasing list of tribes and flags being flown is a bit daunting and confusing and personally stresses me out 'cause I almost find it constrictive, some people like it. Because if you’re feelings are confusing and then you look at a word that represents something and go, “wow, that me”, it can help you realize you’re valid and find a community and that’s great. There is so much controversy around this issue and others but if we all just calm down, respect each other’s experiences and try to just be nice, reasonable people, which is a lot to ask, let’s be real, it’s quite simple. If you wanna use language to express your honest feelings and identity, that’s great and other people should respect what you say. Likewise, if you hate labels and you just wanna be a formless blob, that’s fine, too. No one should force you. The only thing that isn’t cool is telling other people what they should or should not identify as 'cause that ain’t your problem or your business, bye. This was one of the things that held me back from talking about this for years. Shit’s confusing, man. Let’s just go back to cellular reproduction by mitosis so I don’t really have to be specific. Two people that I really look up to and respect, Harry Styles and Janelle Monae, both famously say that they don’t feel the need to label it which, to be honest, is how I feel and is perfectly okay. But I get it, for me, you want a word. Oh, that’s hard, though. I’m an annoying guy. I feel uncertain specifying my sexuality in the same way I wouldn’t say I am an atheist. Who the fuck am I to say whether God does or doesn’t exist? I don’t know shit 'bout shit and neither does anyone else. I mean I think it’s unlikely in the same way I know I like DICK. But I’m not gonna pretend to have a definite answer here. Looking at my public statements is inconsistent and confusing. Looking at my personal track record through life is super confusing. And looking at the void inside my soul threatening to crush the entire universe with the force of its event horizon of misery and melodrama, well, fuck let’s close that shit up. One thing’s for sure whatever heterosexual is, I ain’t it. Really if you ask me, I don’t think anyone’s totally straight. I think there’s a lot of social and emotional issues getting in the way of yet to be understood feelings of attraction that can be very flexible. And trust me, I’ve known a lot of straight guys until a couple of drinks, some deep conversation, and lingering eye contact, and suddenly they just start leaning in. What does that make them? And am I totally gay? No. Am I slightly more gay or is it just easier for gays to hook up with each other because of societal norms. It’s not like the signs for male and female bathrooms are what I’m attracted to. I don’t care what flesh organ you have between your legs, what your hair’s like, if you’re covered in it or a fuckin’ beluga whale. I’m gonna be honest, I’m not picky. I’m easy. So am I bi or pan or poly? Well, now we’re just in a clusterfuck of defining language and I’m confused and sad and horny. This is why I personally love the word queer. I understand that some people don’t as it is a slur but as someone that’s been the target of it several times throughout my life I’m up for some reclamation. It’s like recycling. The definition makes sense because until society is equal with all sexual and gender identifies, it is literally strange from a conventional viewpoint plus it’s better than a super long acronym, it’s inclusive of everyone and therefore great for formless blobs. There we go, an identity I feel comfortable with. A highly-strung, depressed queer praying for a giant meteor to hurry up and finally eradicate humanity. LMAO, yeet!
But to come full circle, I know that even today, deep in my heart the word gay scares me because that’s how I’ve been conditioned my whole life. So, you know what? Fuck the literal definition and the scientific definition and what everyone thinks. I finally have to just confront and accept this.
I’m gay.
Oh look, didn’t spontaneously fucking combust. Well, there we go, that was a lot of stress about nothing, wasn’t it? Bloody hell. So yup, I’m here, I’m queer, and don’t worry I’m still filled with existential fear.
WE’RE HERE, WE’RE QUEER WE’RE FILLED WITH EXISTENTIAL FEAR.
Chapter 5 – Fear
Even though I’m at this current place, there is still so much I’m afraid of and this has taken months to make because of that. Telling my family was a big fear. I have problems connecting with them emotionally because reasons. So I only came out to them this month and if it didn’t go well, as I’m now the independent adult that I fought so hard to be, I was ready to cut them off like the bottom of a sweater turning into a seasonal crop. But I didn’t have to, love you. I didn’t think they’d reject me these days but coming out is still a surprise. It changes things. And I’m a pretty awkward person generally but the idea of just dropping this in conversation in front of them all terrified me. And I tried several times this year to do it but I just couldn’t. So you know how I finally came out to my family? E-mail. Yep, I literally just sent them an e-mail saying and I quote,
“Hello gang. I’ve been meaning to talk to you all for a while, something quite important that should be disclosed at some point. I thought I would around Christmas, then Mum’s birthday, then last Easter Sunday, etc., but every time I meant to, I either felt like I would ruin the mood of the day or I just felt awkward and didn’t want to. So I decided just to email you all instead which is really inappropriate and just weird but that somehow seems appropriate for me and at least I’ll just finally say it.
Basically I’m gay.”
Yup. It was just getting ridiculous so I thought screw it and hey, it worked. Turns out my remaining family, pretty chill bunch of people. Even my Christian grandma said this,
“We love you for being you. It must be a great relief to finally acknowledge who you are. Popsie and I just want you to be happy. People are born as they are and have no say in it. I hope that now you will feel free to live your life as you want with no pretense.”
Aw.
“Don’t forget the iPad.”
Yes, I said I’d give her my old iPad. She mainly cares about that I thing. Wasn’t so sure when I was 17 but it went well now and I know that makes me lucky but, hey, it shows that times change. As for the other people in my life, obviously all the friends I have now are cool. If anyone in my life I’ve ever known isn’t cool with it then I don’t care. And sure here online there might be a few incredibly lost bigots following me or just some classic trolls who I think should get fucked. No, like literally, I think you should try it. You’ll probably enjoy it and you might learn something about yourself. Inevitably some of you watching this might have a weird reaction if you just feel like it was a shock or you feel hurt that I kept it from you. But I feel like I explained myself reasonably here and going forward I can’t have any space for that, sorry. I’ve come to terms with who I am and now you have to, too, ha. Funnily enough straight up homophobia is probably the one thing I’m not that afraid of, because I just don’t agree so it doesn’t hold much emotional power over me but you bet I’m opening myself up to all new kinds of in real life and international discrimination now which is fun. But one of the other big fears holding me back was, honestly, that I wouldn’t be accepted by the community. I know that it’s a big pride flag covering a lot of ground and even the idea of it and certainly most of it is amazing. But there is a lot of drama within it right now especially on the internet. You’ve got Grindr gays arguing about how manly gays should be, bi’s getting ignored, trans people, especially of color, not being historically appreciated, acephobia, fucking SWERFs and TERFs. No thank you. So even though they are my people, I know some of them will have problems with something. And even then, just seeing such a loud and proud, strong and opinionated group of people celebrating something just intimidates a smol introvert such as myself. And in my mind if these people don’t accept me because I’m not being definitive enough or I took too long then I almost feel like I’ll be alone all over again, and this is a fear that a lot of people have honestly. But I’m a nice guy and I’m trying my best so you better be welcoming, you bunch of fuckin’ queers. And obviously with the topic of sexuality, it doesn’t matter where we are or how far you think we’ve come, by merely mentioning it, I will be opening up a primordial box of bullshit which will include every single stupid argument and question since the dawn of time. [It’s not natural.] There’s gay animals. [Adam and Steve.] That’s based on a story and the protagonist that arrives later probably doesn’t agree with you. [Why can’t we have straight pride?] I could spend 10 hours on all the classic crap and people would still be asking the same things. This being posted on the internet, my hopes are so incredibly low, lower than my self-esteem. Wow, that is unhealthy. I need to stop doing that. This video is about internalized oppression and the problems of language. I’m not here to pontificate on every topic tangentially related to the entire concept of gayness. *ASMR voice*: Pontificate on every topic tangentially related to the concept of gayness.
There’s other humans and all the time in the world left for that. The time in the world coincidentally being not much longer. Climate change LMAO. But I had to tell my story so people would understand me and these things. Why coming out is still a big deal because queer people are often invisible and suffering until they have to do it. Some people grow up in supportive environments and it’s a positive experience. But more likely, especially around the world outside of the big cities, it isn’t. This is not a fight that is anywhere near over. Even in Britain today people are debating whether children should be taught to be accepting of sexual and gender identity in school.
Queer people exist. Choosing not to accept them is not an option.
To anyone watching this that isn’t out, it’s okay. You’re okay. You were born this way, it’s right, and anyone that has a problem with it is wrong. Based on your circumstance, you might not feel ready to tell people yet or that it’s safe and that’s fine, too. Just know that living your truth, with pride, is the way to be happy. You are valid. It gets so much better. And the future is clear. It’s pretty queer.
So there we go. Now I can proceed authentically in my life with full disclosure. Cute mutuals know to slide into the DMs. And you can all fuck off and leave me alone.
Bye.
#basically i'm gay#daniel howell#danielhowell#dan and phil#amazingphil#phil lester#yes im tagging i dont care#if there's a flaw somewhere (like a missed part or sm) dm me so i could fix it#id go through it again anyway but just in case#oh and it's literally just dan's substitles so all credits to him or whoever did that#hmm i wonder if they hired someone. interesting#have fun#the script
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Hartman: The Wannabe King of the “Seven Mountains”
[Better looking/better formatted version on Google Docs]
A couple of days ago while, sitting back, relaxing along with eating some popcorn while enjoying the unfolding Oaxis drama I came across this tweet that talked about how a network by the name of Daystar, that was associated with Butch Hartman, supports a “Christian” cult by the name of Bethel Church.
While that sentence alone of Hartman playing a game of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon with a literal fucking cult would have been the ridiculous icing on the cake on this whole trainwreck, I ended up becoming curious and went down the rabbit hole so to speak. The horrible, horrible right-wing “Christian” rabbit hole. Thank God for private browsing let me tell you… Basically what I found out was while Hartman had no definitive ties to this Bethel Church (which let me tell you the stuff that I read about it was really…something. I suggest reading this Buzzfeed article about their actual real-life-i-am-not-joking school named Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry, which is basically and again I am not fucking kidding the right-wing “prophecy” and “faith healing”-focused version of Hogwarts) and he and his family only did a short interview with Daystar, I did however find some interesting facts about the company that Hartman and his family keeps along with his ties to another evangelical ministry which…let’s be honest still sounds like a fucking cult.
Like let me tell you this post’s got everything: homophobic bullshit ministries tied to what is essentially considered to be an “evangelical mecca,” an unaccredited two year “bible college” where you gotta pay over $4,000 too much each school year for what is not a legitimate degree, Hartman’s NOOG Network being used to help fund said “bible college,” “faith healing,” and a fucked-up-when-you-think-about-it religious doctrine/end-game master plan of Evangelical/Charismatic churches that even the most over-the-top super villain would call cliche.
Anyways if you want the short version, Hartman’s whole indoctrination plan using Oaxis goes a lot deeper than that and is directly tied and influenced by an evangelical practice called “The Seven Mountain Mandate” where seven different facets of society need to be controlled and influenced by their version of “Christianity” in order to create a perfect and “Godly" world with one of those facets being that of “arts and entertainment…” I’m going to warn you right now this is going to be extremely long but hopefully worth it in the end.
So shall we begin? (Also RIP mobile users)
Before I get into the meat of the details, let me go more in depth as to what “The Seven Mountain Mandate” is. According to GotQuestions.org, an online “ministry” made up of people from various Christian sects, answering people’s questions about Christianity, this is what it is all about:
“The seven mountain mandate or the seven mountain prophecy is an anti-biblical and damaging movement that has gained a following in some Charismatic and Pentecostal churches. Those who follow the seven mountain mandate believe that, in order for Christ to return to earth, the church must take control of the seven major spheres of influence in society for the glory of Christ. Once the world has been made subject to the kingdom of God, Jesus will return and rule the world.
Here are the seven mountains, according to the seven mountain mandate:
1) Education
2) Religion
3) Family
4) Business
5) Government/Military
6) Arts/Entertainment
7) Media
These seven sectors of society are thought to mold the way everyone thinks and behaves. So, to tackle societal change, these seven “mountains” must be transformed. The mountains are also referred to as ‘pillars,’ ‘shapers,’ ‘molders,’ and ‘spheres.’ Those who follow the seven mountain mandate speak of ‘occupying’ the mountains, ‘invading’ the culture, and ‘transforming’ society.”
Yeah so holy fuck this is like some Illuminati bullshit right here. Well, some Sunday school Illuminati bullshit but still kind of troubling none-the-less.
The website also goes on to say,
“The seven mountain mandate has its roots in dominion theology, which started in the early 1970s with a goal of ‘taking dominion’ of the earth, twisting Genesis 1:28 to include a mandate for Christians to control civil affairs and all other aspects of society. The New Apostolic Reformation, with its self-appointed prophets and apostles, has also influenced the seven mountain movement, lending dreams and visions and other extra-biblical revelations to the mandate.
The seven mountain mandate says that it is the duty of all Christians to create a worldwide kingdom for the glory of Christ. Teachers in the movement use Isaiah 2:2, which mentions mountains, in an attempt to support their view: ‘In the last days the mountain of the LORD’s temple will be established as the highest of the mountains; it will be exalted above the hills, and all nations will stream to it.’ The principal goal of dominion theology and the seven mountain mandate is political and religious domination of the world through the implementation of the moral laws—and subsequent punishments—of the Old Testament.”
So let’s go over the facts again about good ol’ Elmer’s Oaxis streaming service. The same day Hartman’s kickstarter was funded, a video of him talking at a Lance Wallnau’s conference in Lone Tree, Colorado, by the name of “Wealthbuilders” surfaced. Now you may be asking; who in the fresh hell is Lance Wallnau, well to know a little bit more about Wallnau here’s what he says about himself on his website:
“Dr. Wallnau is an internationally recognized speaker, business and political strategist. USA Today reports that he is one of only three evangelical leaders to have accurately predicted Donald Trump's Presidency. Dr. Wallnau's best selling book, ‘Gods Chaos Candidate’ is credited as being the catalyst that mobilized thousands of Christian's to vote for Donald Trump and contributed to Trumps unprecedented election victory.”
I also highly doubt that he has actual doctorate in theology but that’s just me.
This dude also of course,
loves Milo Yiannopoulos
and last year in March, according to Right Wing Watch he,
“…claimed Alt-Right troll Milo Yiannopoulos for Jesus Christ and prophesied that he will one day be leading revivals on college campuses.
Wallnau said that he began listening to Yiannopoulos in the wake of the controversy regarding his comments condoning pederasty and found him to be a brave truth-teller who ‘is exposing the tyranny and fascist spirit behind the progressive left.’ Yiannopoulos is like 'a prophetic fencer just scoring point after point,’ Wallnau said, which is why the left is out to destroy him.”
That...is a loaded fucking statement right there if I’ve ever seen one...
“But the left will not destroy him, Wallnau predicted, because Yiannopoulos is going to undergo a radical religious conversion and lead an army of millennial prophets who will take on the left.
‘I’m claiming Milo in the name of Jesus for the Kingdom of God,’ Wallnau declared. ‘Just like [Donald] Trump was an unlikely candidate for us as a deliverer in the presidency … God hid himself in Trump, I think God is hiding himself in Milo and I’m calling him out in Jesus’ name to salvation.’”
So fucking yeah…there’s that…Ohhhhhh and it gets even better…so going back to Got Questions, guess who’s movement’s biggest influencer is and who basically started it all…That’s right it’s troll boy’s biggest fanboy,
“Lance P. Wallnau coined the term seven mountain mandate and is its most prominent teacher. Wallnau adapts the missionary mandate of Jesus to His disciples to ‘go and make disciples’ of all the nations into a mandate to effect social transformation. He reasons that, since churches already have a presence in every nation in the world, we need to now concentrate on influencing the systems (the ‘mountains’) within these nations. The problem, according to Wallnau, is that Christians are not currently influencing society outside the church. Christians have left the mountains susceptible to the ‘gates of hell,’ which are spiritual portals over the ‘kings’ (influence-shapers) of those mountains.
Wallnau’s teaching is loosely based on the Abrahamic Covenant, which promised Abraham a seed and a lasting inheritance. Also, Israel was promised in Deuteronomy 28:12–14 to be the ‘head and not the tail' among the nations. Proponents of the seven mountain mandate infer that the church, not Israel, is the entity to claim that promise. It is now up to believers to move in proximity to the ‘gates of hell’ and position themselves to exert the greatest amount of influence. The church then needs to be dissected into ‘micro components’ and infiltrate the mountains. Since every Christian can’t position himself at the top of every mountain, each individual is to find his particular smaller peak and be a leader in that realm.”
Yeah…
Anyways, Wallnau’s “Wealthbuillders” is a “business” conference that claims that it could help a person get out of debt, discover “God’s plan” for them, and how to “influence,” make a “difference” and how “..to know which of the Seven Mountains...” they’re “...meant to impact.”
This conference and the video of Butch laying out his “plan” also surprisingly enough happened back in February. And I just love how literally right off the bat, like 30 seconds in, he starts talking about the “Mountain of Arts and Entertainment” and how Lance Wallnau gave him and his wife the idea. Some other choice quotes are:
“We’re gonna save culture. We’re gonna save families. We are going to speak to them in parables…” Time stamp 12:37
“We’re gonna win freakin’ awards for our programming in order to make a dent …We’re gonna make a dent in this mountain of entertainment I promise you and the minute I put this up people will flock to this…” Time stamp 17:48
“We must win back our future, and like Lance says, ‘We are the stone that is gonna slay the giant.’” Time stamp 18:29
Also I haven’t seen other people talk about this but there were also two other Evangelical talk shows that both he and his family (particularly his wife who is heavily involved in the promotion of Oaxis) appeared on in early July. One was his and his family’s (including his two daughters) appearance promoting Oaxis on the aforementioned Daystar Network’s “Marcus and Joni” show on July 16th with the timestamp starting at 6:19 (and here’s a link to a youtube clip if you don’t want to give them the clicks), that I mentioned earlier. Daystar is one of America’s largest religious networks with close to 100 affiliates (specifically 94) all across the US. Also fun fact: Marcus and Joni are married and Marcus being the “good and moral Christian” that he is, had an extramarital affair a while back, had to pay blackmailers millions in dollar to keep quiet about until he was forced to admit said affair in order to stop them, which then culminated in Daystar getting sued by a former executive who stated that knowledge of the affair caused her “...great emotional pain.”
Moving on, in this video it you’ll see the same egotistical thing about how Hartman claims that “…God told me to start this new network…” and “God told us to launch this Kickstarter…”
His wife Julieann also states this interesting little tidbit,
“Yeah I feel that, you know, Christians have been pushed into a corner when it comes to entertainment. That we can’t watch this and we can’t watch this and it’s like why is that? So that’s why we’ve created this. It’s gonna be amazing. You know I’m a mom of two daughters and you know I was helicopter mom, and I still am even though they’re adults. But you know we’ve gotta watch because they sometimes, you know, they don’t realize what they’re watching and what they’re getting into. And so it’s really important that we have a streaming service like this to where you can put your kids in front of; your adult kids in front of; your teenage kids in front and say ‘you know what I’m safe at home right here at Oaxis…at Oaxis entertainment…’”
So wait, according to her even full-grown adults still have to stay under the thumb of their parents and you think that even though they’re adults they’re still not mature enough to sort through the kinds of media that they want?? Jesus Christ and here I thought my parents were overprotective.
Now the second interview that Hartman and his wife did (and which actually at an earlier date on July 2), was appearing on the “Truth and Liberty” Youtube live cast, by the name of “Animator Butch Hartman: Teen Suicide, Depression & Impacting Cultu [re]” (yeah they deadass ran out of room to write the title) [EDIT: VIDEO HAS BEEN DELETED] of yet another slimy self-proclaimed “Christian,” by the name of Andrew Wommack.
Now Wommack and Wallhau are terrible people BFFS along with being BFFs to the Hartman family due to his past history with Hartman’s wife that I will get into in a bit. He’s also of course a bit of an infamous homophobic evangelical preacher.
“If the radical LGBT community uses this as a platform to start further suppressing the religious liberties of Christians—which I’m sure is coming—then this could cause a backlash against their radical agenda by so many people that it could bring America back to her senses.
The true hate speech today is not from Christians against homosexuals; it is the other way around. The homosexual community are the ones who hate Christianity and any moral standards. They are the ones who are truly intolerant. Beneath all the rhetoric is a true hatred for Christianity, the Bible, and all the moral restraints they impose. This is the spirit of antichrist that is working in the whole earth (1 John 4:3).” - from “Andrew’s Response to the Supreme Court’s Decision, June 26, 2015” Andrew Wommack Ministries Blog
Oh and he has just as interesting views on suicide as Elmer does~
“This isn’t a disease for which we have no cure. This is totally preventable, but not by teaching people how to cope better, having more drugs for treatment of mental illness, or staging more interventions by friends and family. Those are just treating the symptoms. In order to treat the problem, we have to correctly diagnose the cause.
The root problem is that our society has unleashed pure evil into our culture through promoting immorality and sin through media, schools, and government while marginalizing Christianity and its godly influence. We’ve had a major departure from the moral standards that held evil in check for hundreds of years in this nation, and now we are paying the price.”
He is just as much as Wallnau is, all about the Seven Mountains let me tell you that. So much so that he owns an “entrepreneurial” company by the name of 7M Ventures, Inc. which falls under the umbrella of his main brand of Andrew Wommack Ministries (where he has congregations all over the US and the World) and his website by the name of TruthandLiberty.net. In 7M Ventures, Inc.’s main description on twitter, it talks about how it’s “…focused on influencing the world and providing income to fund ministry growth.”
And presented without comment
Anyways, going back to the Hartman interview, here’s some “choice” quotes and things that happened in this video.
Time stamp 00:00 INTRO: “We believe we have a mandate to bring Godly change to our nation and the world through the seven spheres or mountains of influence…”
Time stamp 02:05 “So tonight we are going to be about talking about the ‘arts and entertainment’ mountain because ‘truth and liberty’ is really about all the seven mountains.” -Karen Conrad, co-host
Time stamp 5:30 “…And I really think that looking at the entertainment mountain these days I think we really are in need of a lot more family entertainment…”
Hartman also goes more into detail about how Wallnau gave him the inspiration for Oaxis at 5:45:
“Lance Wallnau and I was up talking about the mountain of entertainment and how a lot of Christian people; and we’re Christian people, are kind of intimidated by Hollywood and things like that; they just want Hollywood to just go away. And we looked at each other and went ‘we gotta go…got to go in and at least bring an option into Hollywood that; not there’s no family friendly entertainment out there but it’s sort of treated like the kids table at Thanksgiving. Like it’s not taken very seriously, um, as much as I think it should be and a lot of other stuff is out there that I think, you know, maybe a lot of kids and families don’t really want to watch. And so we thought, you know, we should do we should a streaming service just for the family…”
Time stamp 7:33 Julieann talks about doing a “news program” for the Oaxis network where it will only talk about “positive” news stories
Time stamp 10:20 Hartman basically insinuates that the reason why teen suicides are up so much is because of phones.
Time stamp 11:55 Hartman basically insinuates that Oaxis will lower suicide rates by affecting the mountain of arts and entertainment.
Hartman in general just repeatedly mentions the mountains and affecting them.
Time stamp 20:19 “…And we know that we’re not gonna limit God. We’re not limiting Him at all.”
Time stamp 23:24 “…We love Jesus and but we want to put Jesus in our shows. I believe that you can reflect Jesus in your content without saying the word ‘Jesus.’”
Okay now Hartman’s just flat out admitting that he believes that his scam of a “network” will affect suicide statistics… “Then I believe that those suicide rates might go down…” at Time stamp 27:04
Time stamp 31:05 From his wife Julieann, “Could you imagine living with that? Of knowing that maybe someone killed themselves because they watched your show?”
Ohhhhhhhh, oh honey. Both of y’all just gonna ignore what happened last year now aren’t you?
Moving on...
Time stamp 34:40 “When I did shows at Nickelodeon, I did all my cartoons. And I couldn’t say the word ‘Jesus’ in them. I couldn’t say any of that because the network wouldn’t put it on. But I could put Jesus’ principles in there…”
Listen... people have already scraped the bottom of the barrel in regards to this for jokes but, you greenlit fairy m-preg. You, yourself helped to write said fairy m-preg. Never forget the fairy m-preg Butch. Because we sure as hell won’t let you.
Also nice to see that his wife shares his flip-flopping views on things At 36:40 when asked by one of the hosts who’s fielding a similar question from two different people about how different is Oaxis from other services such as “Pureflix” and “Faith and Family,” she answered, “Well number one we are not a Christian network. So it’s not going to be faith-based programming.”
She also goes on to say that they’re going to be challenging the writers to create something that’s just as compelling, but just without all the bad stuff. In other news, local woman does not know understand the reason why narrative conflict, along with the tragedy and drama genres have to exist when we can just be happy all day, everyday. More at 11.
Hartman and his wife also talk about how they learned that from Andrew Wommack and how Hartman and him met primarily through his (Hartman’s) wife. Which brings me to how exactly Julieann and Wommack exactly got connected. In the first minute or so Wommack talks about how Julieann, a woman who became a born-again Christian at age 27, was actually one of their “healing journeys” and she once dealt with fibromyalgia and “…many other things…” but through the power of “faith healing” she “successfully” overcame all of her problems after spending over thousands of dollars on different doctors and treatments.
“And Jesus just healed you” Andrew Wommack said to Julieann who immediately confirmed his statement.
Now what the other issues that she was dealing with that aren’t mentioned in this video are various mental issues primarily being anxiety.
“Julieann suffered with the mental anxieties she had always battled, but this time she had physical symptoms as well. Every day she struggled with chronic flulike symptoms, body aches and pains, random numbness and twitching. The Hartmans spent tens of thousands of dollars on medical and alternative treatments trying to help Julieann. Her life became consumed with visiting specialists and worse—diagnosing herself via the Internet.” from “Julieann Hartman: A Fearless Woman of Faith” Andrew Wommack Ministries Blog
Also I just love this quote from her about how she was before she got introduced to Wommack…
"The funny part of this was that even if a doctor would give me medication, I wouldn’t take it because I felt that I was not being in faith. It was crazy!”
…There…is a lot to unpack there, so I think I’ll leave it at that…moving on…
“During a trip to Texas to celebrate Thanksgiving in 2009, Julieann stumbled across Andrew's Gospel Truth program on TV. Within seconds she dismissed Andrew wondering aloud, ‘Who could listen to him? I would fall asleep.’ Six months later however, she came across Andrew again. This time, she heard Andrew say something that grabbed her attention and went straight to her heart. Andrew was sharing things Julieann had never heard before and she was captivated.
Julieann went to Andrew's website and began downloading his teachings and ordering materials. ‘I took two weeks, cleared my schedule, and I didn’t leave my house. I listened to Andrew, I watched Andrew, I prayed, I read and I spoke to my body! I was filled with so much peace and joy! I also enrolled in the Online Charis Bible College. I immersed myself in the Word! The Word came alive in me and my symptoms started to change,’ said Julieann.”
So yeah, there’s that. Also keep the Charis Bible College in the back of your mind…we’re gonna get to that soon because Hartman’s wife ain’t the only one involved with that.
“‘I don’t know what the teaching was, but it was him saying that there was a man who had Parkinson’s. And so Andrew says, ‘So, I say to him, ‘Just tell your hand to stop shaking’. . . . So [the man] said, ‘Hand, stop shaking.’ And it did!’ Julieann continues, ‘So, I’m watching this going . . . what? But there was something about it that . . . just caught me.’”
So basically from there she went on a Wommack bender and absorbed everything that he’s ever said and done, and the rest is history. She and her whole family became obsessed with him and his “teachings.” Even talking about how they watch his videos all the time. Also about how much she wanted her two daughters to go to Charis Bible College, and they later did.
“From that revelation, Julieann started claiming the healing that already belonged to her. ‘I walked through my hallways going, ‘In the name of Jesus, stop being numb. Numbness, you are dead. You get out of my body now in the name of Jesus! Get out of my body! Pain, back pain, get out of my body! I don’t care what’s been spoken over me or whatever anybody told me or said I have. In the name of Jesus, I rebuke all of that and, body, you come back to life now!’’
Although Julieann said all the right things, her healing did not come all at once. Undeterred, she continued to press into God’s Word until, little by little, all her symptoms melted away. ‘It was a progressive healing, but the only reason it was progressive is because I made it progressive.’ Julieann continues, ‘It wasn’t just the healing on the outside. It was teaching me about who I was in Christ, and that was the missing link.’”
There is still a lot of things to unpack here…
Time stamp 46:29. Wommack also talks about how both of Hartman’s daughters went to Charis Bible College.
[Instagram Post from Hartman’s youngest daughter’s (Sophia Hartman) graduation this past May. Pictured here: Julieann Hartman, Butch Hartman, Andrew Wommack, Jamie Wommack (his wife), Sophia Hartman, and Carly Hartman]
Hell, in the infamous “Wealthbuilders” video that brought him public outrage, Hartman also admitted that both of his daughters (at the time in February at Time stamp 1:29) were students there. Now what exactly is Charis Bible College? CBC, or Colorado Bible School as it was originally known as, is a 2-3 year “school” which is,
“Focused on educating the body of Christ about who God is and who He is in His saints. Charis Bible College is equipping the saints for the work of the ministry, training disciples to go out and share the Gospel with the rest of the world in the way God has uniquely called each individual to do it.”
It has over 16 locations in both the US and across the world, with the main campus being in Woodland Park, Colorado.
It’s also unaccredited.
Oh and their application fee is $100 (which of course is non-refundable and Jesus fuck is 2x more than I had to pay for my own application fee to apply to fucking graduate school) and the cost of an individual’s tuition paid in advance is at least $4,500, which for an uncredited, basically useless degree is still $4,500 too much.
But hey, “mountain of education."
Also going back to Hartman’s wife. In the video of her “healing journey” she states something rather interesting at times stamp 9:34...
“So we started the NOOG Network; it’s N-O-O-G Network and we call it a safe place for kids. What we wanna do is, the money that comes from the network is gong right into the dorms…” And she basically talks about whatever else too. “I am so on board with his vision.”
So...I don’t know exactly how to look up financials and donations for groups and such, and I’m surprised that the NOOG Network even fucking got off the ground, but the fucking implication...If any of y’all have downloaded the app... probably been forced to sit through ads which bring in revenue for the owner (aka Hartman)...and the app page says it has in-app purchases...I’m sorry you may have helped fund Charis Bible College dorms or whatever else Andrew Wommack desires, and as the Narrator of the video says at 10:00,
“The NOOG Network is just one of the many ways the Hartmans are advancing God’s Kingdom.”
If you don’t know, that video is actually from at least late 2015 since it was featured in a February 2016 speech given by Butch Hartman at CBC for its 3rd year “Media School.”
He says some more interesting things. Such at 34:24,
“If you have an iphone, the NOOG Network is a network on the iphone store and it’s absolutely free. It’s free so you have no excuse.” [The app store says that it currently costs 99 cents to download] “Um, I’d like you all to download this cause this is ‘God’s Network...’
At 34:58 “You know how you guys are invested in this ministry? This [the NOOG Network] is my ministry.”
I do also want to talk about one more thing. So on the original
Oaxis Kickstarter page’s “Community” tab
I noticed that the most backers in the US came from Colorado City, CO.
Suddenly I got a weird feeling and wondered if there was any correlation or strange connection...
Oh.
Well that explains a lot. It is rather interesting when you take into account that Andrew Wommack Ministries’ main US address is in Colorado Springs as well. Not to mention, his Charis Bible School. And even Wallnau’s “Wealthbuilders” conference took place at a Marriott in Lone Tree, CO. I guess all that promoting on his show and Daystar paid off after huh, Hartman?
Anyways I think that’s it for now. I kept finding more and more fucked up insidious stuff and I’m pretty sure there’s a lot more. I just wanted people to know about this because they should. It seems that Hartman actually doesn’t want to just indoctrinate kids into these awful values, but everyone else too. And honestly, in retrospect their tagline for their Oaxis network, “Oaxis: Because we’re family” sounds cult-ish as hell... At the end of the Hartmans’ interview on Wommack show, Wommack started talking about getting people [i.e. their supporters] ready to vote [as in vote for the Christian Conservative candidates] in the Mid-term elections, and sorry if I’m going a little off-topic here but here’s your friendly, little reminder:
VOTE.
Don’t let these fake as hell “Christians” win and ruin this country even more for their 7-step-take-over-the-world plan. Hartman is just one small part of this BS.
Like I’m sorry if I’m sounding like a conspiracy nut but this “Seven Mountains Mandate” is a real fucking belief system that needs to be talked about. And it’s fucking disgusting that Hartman and his family were going to even attempt to worm their way into the minds of children and their families, filling their heads up with their “values,” which from the company that they keep, correlates more with hate than the love and acceptance that one is supposed to have when they’re a Christian. I doubt that Oaxis will become as popular and successful as Hartman kept claiming to his buddies; especially with the whole public fallout considering what happened with the kickstarter. Also only God knows if they’re even still gonna try and go through with it after the mainstream reaction that they got, but again, it’s fucked up that they even tried it in the first place.
To quote GotQuestions on the mandate again,
“The church then needs to be dissected into ‘micro components’ and infiltrate the mountains. Since every Christian can’t position himself at the top of every mountain, each individual is to find his particular smaller peak and be a leader in that realm.”
So in conclusion: don’t give them an inch. Be wary of any conservative evangelical that talks about “mountains,” “spheres,” or “pillars.” Hold them accountable and don’t let these manipulators even get close to the base of a “mountain” let alone, what they consider to be their “peak.”
Some other “fun” links:
Lance Wallnau’s Right Wing Watch tag
Andrew Wommack’s Right Wing Watch tag
2010 Box Turtle Bulletin Article “Andrew Wommack and His Ministries Are Trying to Kill You” in regards to the (currently unpassed at the time) proposed Ugandan Anti-Homosexuality Bill
#butch hartman#oaxis#danny phantom#fairly odd parents#noog network#signal boost#mAN...LISTEN#I'VE BEEN THROUGH SOME SHIT THIS ENTIRE WEEK#THIS IS OVER 20 PAGES#JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS DONE I KEPT FINDING MORE AND MORE FUCKED UP SHIT#LIKE I KNOW THAT WE SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISED BUT HOLY FUCK#fucking sunday school illuminati man...#mass murder //#well it's only mentioned once in reference to what happened last year#suicide //#i got so many fucking screencaps of all of this shit and more
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Calling Out Trump
I doubt Trump ever understood the Law of Unintended Consequences because he's never know consequences he couldn't buy his way out of. This FB post lays it all out for Trump.
I REALLY wish I could say I wrote this, but it is too good not to share with Facebookland. Written by Nance Greggs in Democratic Underground:
"So Was It Worth It, Spanky?
After years of endless self-aggrandizing braggadocio, you have now been exposed as a liar, a thief, a fraud, and an incompetent “pResident” who lost the popular vote by millions of votes.
Your so-called “election” depended on interference by the Russians, and you are now under investigation for your role in that interference.
The “best people” you bragged about surrounding yourself with are under investigation themselves, or have already been indicted and convicted. Many have resigned under a cloud of corruption, and those still in place have demonstrated their utter incompetence.
Your personal lawyer, your campaign manager, members of your transition team, and your first national security advisor have pled guilty to crimes, and are now cooperating with Mueller – the man who is investigating every aspect of your corruption.
You are reviled the world over, and can’t travel to any foreign country without being met with thousands of protesters. The United Nations General Assembly literally laughed in your face when you tried to tell them how successful your administration has been, and you are the butt of late-night monologue jokes and political cartoons around the world.
Your ludicrous “tweets” have proven beyond all doubt that you are illiterate, and can’t string two sentences together that make even a modicum of sense. It is now well-known that your daily briefings have to be “dumbed down” in hopes that you might possibly understand them.
Your ignorance of how our government operates has been painfully on display on a daily basis, and your incredible stupidity with respect to international affairs has made you a global laughingstock.
You are under investigation for colluding with our enemies and obstructing justice, and your own family members are vulnerable to being charged with crimes as well.
The Trump organization is also under investigation, as well as your “charitable foundation”.
Your self-touted sexual prowess has been refuted by women who are in a position to know exactly how inept you are as a lover, along with how incredibly disappointing the size of your "manhood" turned out to be.
Your lies have been documented, and the quantity – along with the sheer ridiculousness of those lies – are now a matter of public record.
You have demonstrated your lack of character, your pettiness, and your inability to even understand just how ridiculous your statements and actions are in the eyes of the nation, and the world at large.
The only people who still believe your bullshit are the toadies who won’t admit it’s bullshit because they think sucking-up to you will advance their own political careers, and your brain-dead “base” – people who also believe that the earth is six thousand years old and a self-declared pussy-grabber was anointed by god to lead a nation.
Thanks to you, the Republican party is hemorrhaging members, and the elected politicians who have defended you are facing annihilation in the midterms.
Thanks to you, the United States is now seen as a lesser power on the world stage. Thanks to you, the US presidency is viewed as just another office vulnerable to corruption.
And now, in the midst of all of above, the “failing New York Times” has exposed your most fervent and oft-made brag – that of being a self-made man – as being just another self-promoted myth. You never earned a dime that your daddy didn’t put in your pocket; you never achieved a single success on your own. Were it not for your daddy’s money, you would undoubtedly have been just another “brilliant businessman" with a hot-dog stand on 5th Avenue – or, more likely, given your penchant for ignoring the law, the operator of a chop-shop on the lower east side.
So tell me, was it worth it? You were once a self-proclaimed business success, able to get away with tax evasion and all kinds of corrupt behaviour – and now, thanks to your desire to be “pResident”, you are facing scrutiny of every aspect of your business dealings, every aspect of your personal life, every aspect of your lying, thieving ways.
Not only have you invited that scrutiny into your own life, you have invited that scrutiny into the lives of your own children, and every person who has ever been associated with you. I’m sure they’re all eternally grateful for having been made subject to investigation and possible criminal prosecution.
In summary, Spanky, you are now known for everything from colluding with the Russians to lying to the populace on a daily basis, from being an openly racist/homophobe to inciting violence against your perceived enemies, from being a dumber-than-dumb ignoramus to being a dumber-than-dumb “pResident” who is laughed at by the entire world.
And now your last defence, that of being a self-made man, has been reduced to rubble.
The fact that you never saw it coming – this exposure of being a lying idiot who never would have been a “success” without daddy’s money shoring you up every time you failed – is a living testament to just how much of a failure you are now, and have always been.
There was a time you could – and did – get away with every lie, every false claim, every ridiculous statement about being a successful businessman, and a sought-after “ladies man” whose sexual prowess was uncontested.
Now you’re just a pathetic habitual liar known for his abject stupidity and a small dick, along with being a daddy’s boy who never achieved anything without daddy’s money.
Congratulations on having set yourself up for being exposed for what you really are – a fuckin’ nobody who thought he could be a somebody, and foolishly believed that no one would recognize a con-artist when they saw one sitting in the Oval Office preaching the gospel of don’t believe your own eyes and ears.
Was it worth it? Apparently it wasn’t. But that’s just another demonstration of your incredible stupidity – the idea that you eschewed your private life as a “successful businessman” in order to be exposed as a fraud. It really doesn’t get any dumber than that."
[Drop mic here]
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Callout post: me
lying, manipulative, hold grudges, constantly paranoid, would absolutely 100% check out a teenager if nobody was looking because "it's a harmless crime", liar, cycle through idealization and devaluation, 'sick of fat people trying to be the next civil rights issue and making it that much harder to get civil rights for people who are ACTUALLY oppressed like gee idk poc and muslims and the mentally ill and queer people', frequently fantasizes about committing violent acts against people I rationalize they deserve it including family members, untruthful, attention whore, pedantic AND pretentious, tells lies, doesn't believe in one sister's claim of sexual assault (went to smoke weed with the alleged perpetrator), UNAPOLOGETICALLY AGAINST ASEXUAL EXCLUSIONISM (LITERALLY FUCK YOU DUMBASS FOURTEEN YEAR OLDS WHO SHRIEK THAT QUEER IS A SLUR, SHUT YOUR GODDAM FUCKING WHORE MOUTHS YOU DUMBASSES AND GO THE FUCK OUTSIDE OR READ A BOOK), would absolutely punch a child over an insignificant internet argument, secretly sought out sexual pleasure from two friendly seemingly platonic encounters with two girls I just met within twenty four hours, overreacts to the slightest provocations and has bitches at or vagueposted at several people who did not deserve it, has used mental illness and physical handicap to evade trouble from being late for work because video games and laziness and excessive sleep, has spent maybe a thousand dollars on fast food in 2018 alone, evades bills for medical care from an actually great clinic, lying sack of garbage, gave up on calling out family's bigotry and is now an accessory to prejudice, despises terfs predominantly for their refusal to fuck me because of being trans and yet meanwhile would not engage in sexual relationship with another trans woman or cis man unless reeeeeeeeally drunk, can and will blame being sexually assaulted as a child which probably didn't even happen because I don't think I remember it, unabashed furry, probably as addicted to video games and masturbation AND LIES as I almost was to alcohol, pretended to have almost been an alcoholic just to "win" facebook arguments about addiction, doesn't give a fuck my dad almost died from heroin JUST because he's a *little* homophobic and racist and classist and xenophobic because of a christian upbringing, would literally fucking murder him if he EVER PUTS HIS HANDS ON ME AGAIN, only slightly depressed because of laziness and a lack of drive and ungrateful to my family because hey they didn't kick me out for being trans so HEY THATS SUPPORTIVE ENOUGH FOR SOME OTHER PEOPLE SO WHY CANT I BE HAPPY WITH THAT, legitimately salty about ~the friendzone~ and just makes fun of incels because everybody else does, takes the moral high ground for not being a misogynist even though I don't deserve a pat on the back a lap dance and a blowjob for not hating women, overly sensitive about stupid things, thinking about faking having a trigger warning for more discourse credit, HUUUGE ASSHOLE to men I deem unattractive for no other reason than every single ugly fat guy I've ever met has been an asshole, rationalizes it after the fact because they eventually say something shitty because all men are terrible, probably a little bit of a cisnormative misandrist because trans men tend to be much better people, finds trans men attractive (specifically and significantly more so than cis men) so must clearly be fetishizing them, relatively okay with people referring to me as deadnamed and the wrong pronouns so probably just lying about being trans to everyone including myself, not 100% okay with the hijab for 'no reason other than all organized religion is evil and opposed to its mandate and the shame it forces on many women in many situations the exact same way I'm opposed to no sex before marriage and wives being subservient to their husbands and treating women as property in the torah and quran alike because ITS ALL BRAINWASHING' so is clearly not unlearning islamophobia and doesn't want to let that go, hypocrite because I believe in the basics of judeochristianity
and loathe atheism and atheists entirely because their smugness and smarm literally sets my blood pressure through the roof of what is safe and normal and yet claim to hate all organized religion, mansplains yet gets so pissed off when other people mansplain to me, judgmental of other cultures because they don't have the exact same values that I have, james gunn apologist, talks and talks and talks about anarchosocialism all damn day but would beat the shit out of a coworker for leaving me to do things because they're lazy because "any job worth doing is worth doing well" and other capitalismisms, literally couldn't give less of a fuck that his mother is dying because people die but it's no reason to make my life slightly harder and making me work hard when I work because BOO HOO MY LEGS HURT FROM THE LITERALLY MOST MILD CASE OF MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY I COULD'VE BEEN BORN WITH, hasn't actually performed real suicide attempt ever but still claims to have done so to attain sympathy that may result in physical affection, countless other shitty terrible things that yeah I recognize are bad but CANT SEEM TO CARE BECAUSE I HAVE DEPRESSION... WHICH IS THE WEAKEST FUCKING EXCUSE IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE GODDAMN WORLD
I am not a good person, okay?
I just pretend to be sometimes.
I'm sick of doing it, I'm sick of trying to do well and earn people's approval by doing and saying the right things only to just be ignored which is a step up from receiving many anons that hey, never actually told me to kill myself, but did take my words out of context to paint me as a racist. I am not the kind of racist who would vote for trump and march with the kkk. that is one of very few good things I can say about myself. but I'm an arrogant, violent, and angry opinionated perverted manipulative judgmental lying asshole. I'm not a good person. I have let myself fall so much and I deserve to be alone. my only connections to people were built on personal gain and I swear to myself that I do love them but those feelings fall away in direct correlation to how much they interact with me. I could love you to the point of obsession and stalking and one month later be completely and totally disinterested. I'm a bigot who pretends to not be bigoted and just parrots what other people say not because I believe it but because it's the right thing to say, and I only say what the right thing is to say because whenever I say a good thing something good will happen to me and if I say a bad thing something bad happens to me. it's all just self preservation, nothing else at all. but now I'm at the end of a road of just trying to do good and I'm alone. out of the only two friends that I can really say that I have left, one is far away and trapped in a guilt spiral that I caused by being too clingy, and the other has been behaving in a way my mind has decoded as defensive around me which makes sense as I have been very... the best way to describe it would be the way a dudebro incel interacts with any person who possesses a vagina/breasts but sneakier. in both relationships I've pushed my own wants and desires in extremis... I can't for the life of me recall the last time I have ever offered something in return other than my own company or paying for a meal at a restaurant or I guess transportation. and instead of sex I just want them to express even the slightest bit of intimate platonic physical affection towards me but that's still a lot to offer someone who has clearly expressed the existence of a sexual and maybe something near the realms of romantic in one of the cases physical attraction because for this aspec it's practically the same fucking thing.
and I've manipulated them to attain this goal. at this point my shit brain has considered just fucking going to town on my wrists with a razor blade to draw sympathy so that I'll get a hug or something beyond just a simply hello/goodbye, and finding a way to induce tears to concoct a sob story to reach the same end result, and one time very briefly via threat and intimidation so you can clearly see that I've gone far too into irredeemable territory. I've been playing and replaying cry of fear because it's just too similar to my own issues and the first ending where he just kills everyone he loves and then himself... I see me in that ending. and it scares me so much more than the sprinting screaming twitching one hit kill chainsaw guy ever will. I don't want that to be me, I want to change something, but I just can't get the help that I need. I had hoped to go for a domino effect, where if I could be cuddled for like five minutes or something, I'd have the energy to be more hygienic, which would make me feel capable enough to take on two jobs, which would get me the cash flow I need to pay my bills and take care of my hormones, which would put me in the headspace necessary to effectively use psychological help, which would let me get over my illnesses and actually become a more successful person instead of the pathetic husk I am here in non-fantasy land.
but that won't happen.
I'm just sitting here in the dark angsting about how nobody will touch me in a way that would produce oxytocin, and it's making me so sick, so physically sick, that it's affecting my brain too. I'm in pain, nauseous, vengeful, spiteful, paranoid, judgmental, and lonely. I'm stuck and I can't even kill myself because my mind wants me to stay alive and suffer through all of this because "oh it gets better" people have been saying that for well over half of my life. I was six or seven years old when I asked my mother to kill me, and that same level of desperation and bitterness has only gotten worse as time goes by. when does it get better? I'll tell you when it gets better, after I'm in prison or comatose or forty five years old with a cane and bad eyes and high blood pressure and lung cancer from all the secondhand smoke I've breathed in my life. when my life is over, that's when it gets better. I DONT WANT THAT. I WANT A NORMAL FUCKING LIFE RIGHT NOW. I WANT NORMAL FRIENDSHIPS AND A NORMAL HOME AND A NORMAL EDUCATION AND A NORMAL CAREER AND A NORMAL FAMILY. or at least I want someone to hold me and make me feel like I'm not so horrible and broken that I can't be touched.
but that's too much to ask for.
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Episode 6 - Tsing part 1
Episode link; https://open.spotify.com/episode/3x0cMRYDmN5M8lDCZIZxEK?si=07ec23a2d8ac485e
The sound of a temple bell is heard in the cedar forest at dusk,
The autumn aroma drifts on the roads below.
The moving cloud fades away, and I smell the aroma of the mushroom.
Oh Matsutake:
The excitement before finding them.
This episode isn’t about Japan. It’s not about Mushrooms. It’s about living in our own mess, it’s about international relations, it’s about capitalist trading. But the same way we can trace politics through cows, or social relations through cockfights, the art of anthropology is in noticing the small things which might teach us more. In the face of global capitalism a mushroom might seem humble but that is what Anna Tsing would call a problem with scale, because as the most valuable mushroom in the world it couldn’t be further from ‘humble.’
This is notes from the field desk
(Theme)
(Sounding sleepy)
It’s about, ummm quarter to five. I’m in Tsukiji whole-sale market in Tokyo. I’m maybe jet-lagged but that would make it like 9pm to me and actually I feel significantly worse than that. I’m here this early because the auction runs from around 5am to six fifteen. Whilst the market is famous for its tuna auctions, if you’ve seen Jiro Dreams of Sushi then you’ve seen the market and it’s ginormous frozen tuna, but they also sell mushrooms here. This market is in fact so famous they had to ban tourists on several occasions. Thankfully it’s not currently one of those times,i’m sat in the tourist section, i’m in the back because of the desk and well because the guards said I was a disruptive influence.
I’m paraphrasing he actually said “move it, Deku” before shoving my desk to the back. My translation app couldn’t really figure out Deku so if anyone could help me out with the meaning? It doesn’t really matter, seen as almost everyone is here for the Tuna, I have a pretty clear view of the auctioneers arranging matsutake on a trestle table. The staff are wearing, what kind of look like, bowling shirts (kind of questioning) and baseball caps which have a little board on the front which have some kanji which I can’t read. Really someone else should have come on this trip.
This is maybe petty but to be honest now I’m doing this because I have to, i’m not enjoying it as much. Is there something wrong with me? Anyway that’s a discussion for another time.
They are organising the mushrooms by, size, value and origin. These mushrooms have probably been sorted at least twice before by value but origin has a significant impact on their eventual sale price. As one Japanese importer explained to Anna Tsing “Matsutake are like people, American mushrooms are white, because the people are white. Chinese mushrooms are black, because the people are black. Japanese people and mushrooms are nicely in between.” Okay, I recognise that we’ve gotten slightly ahead of ourselves here. How does a mushroom come to cost between 1000 and 2000 dollars per pound?
Matsutake first appears in a poem from 8th century Japan which praises it’s smell which would go on to become synonymous with Autumn in Japan. The mushroom had started popping up around Kyoto and Nara, areas which had been deforested for timber and fuel. In fact, deforestation is the reason why matsutake became common in Japan. This is because these mushrooms have a symbiotic relationship with red pine trees. Red pines tend to grow most successfully in mineral rich soil left by deforestation and could grow more easily without the shade from broadleaf trees which had been cut down.
This is the start of Anna Tsing’s interest in these mushrooms, not because she’s just really into foraging, although she is, but because of what they symbolise, think Geertz. In the wake of capitalist ruin, here read deforestation, this mushroom thrived. This is so generally understood about Matsutake that people say the first thing to grow after the bomb was dropped on Hiroshima was a Matsutake.
Written in the wake of the 2008 financial crash and with the results of climate change becoming undeniable Tsing wants to find a way that people can pull off the same trick. And she found a parallel in the forests of Oregon, but that is for next week.
So how does a mushroom you literally find in the trash become the most expensive fungus in the world? Well by 1900 in Japan it had become the culturally ubiquitous idea of Autumn. Think lambs in spring or incredibly drunk, sunburnt bald men with a union jack tattoos and British summer. Matsutake were everywhere, in Kyoto, they became the generic term for mushroom. So far, so cheap commodity right? But then in the 50s people stopped using wood as their main fuel, woodland was cut down and paved for suburban development, broadleaf trees grew back and in the shaded forest, Matsutake started to disappear. By the 1970s Japanese Matsutake were incredibly rare. This coincided with rapid Japanese economic development. The culturally significant and now rare mushroom became gifts, bribes and perks for businessmen. Consequently the price skyrocketed.
Huge demand but limited supply in Japan meant the international market suddenly gained importance. And non-Japanese mushroom pickers from around the world flooded into the market.
Oh hold on the auction is starting. I wanna see if I can buy one.
Umm I have no idea what is happening.
Excuse me. Nope ignored.
Umm.
Hello.
13,000 yen!
(Awkward silence. Fade out.)
Okay so umm, I won the auction. Is that how you say it? But I bought one mushroom for 120 dollars and then they asked me to leave. So we’re set up in a cafe outside the market. If you’re wondering, yes, the guy who has been following me is here.
Hi mate. You alright? Cool.
He was in the auction too but I've decided to live and let live. In part because of what i’ve learned from reading Tsing.
I guess uhh lets see what the fuss about this mushroom is about.
Smells mushroom nervously
Yep smells like dirt. Cool. What am I going to do with this now?
Okay smells like dirt. Great. That’s 120 dollars for some dirt. I don’t even like mushrooms what the fuck am I doing. Okay, I guess we should talk about isolation and contamination which is where Tsing starts to get confusing, so, sorry about that. I can really understand why the students don’t get it and I think if the last few weeks have proven anything it’s that the students seem to understand anthropology better than I do. But I’ve done the reading and I've got notes so let’s give it a shot.
Tsing says capitalism is based on a growth and progress model. Wow, we’re off the rails already. In other words, and I'm not an economist so don’t @ me, the health of an individual, company and nation under capitalism are measured by their ability to generate more than they did previously. The aim is for GDP to grow, for company profits to increase, individuals to earn more etc. One way to achieve this end is to focus on scalability. Which is the ability to create more of the same product without changing the product. This is often achieved through isolation.
Yikes this episode is like “dictionary corner.” For isolation think of old Henry Ford and his assembly line. Instead of 5 guys working on every aspect of a car, the assembly line isolates each component and has one person make that part. Now you can make lots of cars quickly. Take this podcast, I write it, record it, edit it, and upload it. If I hired a writer, an editor and a social media person. I could just record the episodes and we could all be working simultaneously, produce more podcasts, get more listeners, then maybe this podcast could generate a profit.
Good news right? More of everything is made more quickly for less money, which means we can all have a car. Or a podcast. But Tsing sees some problems. She takes a different example of scalability. Portugese sugar plantations in Brazil. Sugar cane was grown by splitting a sugar cane and sticking it in the ground. Functionally it was a clone brought from New Guinea and planted in Brazil. As a farming product it couldn’t be more isolated. Unlike a matsutake say, which can’t be scaled because it grows almost by random in relation to the soil and the trees around it, the sugar cane has no relationship to its surroundings.
Now let's talk about the farm workers. Sugar plantation workers were slaves brought from west Africa to Brazil. Like the sugar cane they were isolated with no social relations in Brazil which prevented escape. This is why slave traders split families, social and cultural groups. Their alienation and isolation made them a controllable, standardized workforce. Portugal made huge profits from this and could keep the uncomfortable effects hidden, seen as the whole project took place in west Africa and south America, far away from the Portugese eyes. This is maybe the first example of what academics call “space-time distanciation” I know what the fuck is distanciation other than a great way to be the most hated person at a dinner party or the pub.
Basically it’s just a bullshit way to say doing things from far away but in real time. So like ugh I don’t know, (Rising anger) a kid in America can snipe you on COD and call you a homophobic slur and you experience it as it happens even though he’s thousands of miles away. And however much you threaten him he won’t experience any consequences because he’s far away and you’re thirty and trash at shooters. (awkward pause) Not a real thing that happened to me, just a random example.
So this scalability and distanciation were created and spread around the world by European colonists but it was Japanese markets which modernised the idea. In the 60s to the 80s Japan actually gave American economic dominance a little scare because of its shift to outsourcing. Instead of Japanese companies making products in Japan where labour was expensive they made products abroad where labour was cheap and took advantage of increasingly speedy global supply lines to turn huge profits.
Matsutake picking is an example of this which we’ll talk about more next time but in short, casual workers pick and sell them for a fraction of their market value in America, the middle men then transport it to Japan where it’s market and cultural value is increased and sell it for a huge profit.
Another example would be fast fashion. Everyone remembers the scandals when it came out that gap or nike or primark had their clothes made in terrible conditions. A lot of brands defended themselves by saying they had no idea about the conditions. To an extent this is true, but it was deliberate ignorance. They put their production in the hands of intermediary companies in countries far away from their shareholders, employees and customers creating plausible deniability.
There is another problem which is obvious really. Scale can only go so far, which is until all the resources are gone. Then the project has to move on and do something else. Think of Japan after they had cut down all the trees. Or if you really want to depress yourself, fossil fuels.
Okay, okay what’s the point! Tsing says all this stuff, the distanciation, the scalability, the obsession with more profits, the isolation is the cause of the precarious lives more and more people are experiencing. Think of zero hours contracts, or uber driving or amazon workers pissing in bottles. It’s easy to cut wages, to allow bad working conditions, to strip mine the rainforest when we are distanced from the consequences. So long as it happens somewhere else, to someone else, when we have no relationship with the products we consume, or create. Think of the podcast again. If I hired all these people it would be more efficient but then I wouldn’t have the same relationship with it. I would become alienated from it. That’s how little by little people have less of an understanding of the things around them. That’s how we can separate the petrol we put in our cars from the environmental damage that doing that causes.
Wow. Depressing. Jesus. Remember when this show used to be about cows and magic?
(sigh)
Taking things seriously sucks. Okay but Tsing reckons that by looking at these expensive mushrooms there is hope. Capitalism can make us feel lonely but looking at Matsutake reminds us that even in capitalist ruins like a destroyed forest new things can grow. Those things grow from relationships, the encounter between the mushroom and the pine tree and the soil from deforestation. It’s a reminder that we aren’t actually alone that there aren’t any “challenges we might face without asking for help from others, human or not human.” Through relationships we change and Tsing says “The important stuff of life on earth happens in those transformations.” So you know, join your union, talk to your neighbour, forage for mushrooms. It might just make the world better. And if it doesn’t, well at least you have some friends and mushrooms. Wait did i just say join a union? Am I woke? Must be the jet lag.
Time for the extract;
How does a gathering become a happening, that is, greater than the sum of its parts? One answer is contamination. We are contaminated by our encounters; they change who we are as we make way for others. As contamination changes world making projects, mutual worlds - and new directions - may emerge. Everyone carries a history of contamination; purity is not an option. One value of keeping precarity in mind is that it makes us remember that changing with circumstances is the stuff of survival.
But what is survival? In popular American fantasies, survival is all about saving oneself by fighting off others. The “survival” featured in U.S. television shows or alien-planet stories is a synonym for conquest and expansion. I will not use the term that way. Please open yourself to another usage. This book argues that staying alive - for every species - requires livable collaborations. Collaboration means working across differences, which leads to contamination. Without collaborations, we all die.
The problem of precarious survival helps us see what is wrong. Precarity is the state of acknowledgement of our vulnerability to others. In order to survive, we need help and help is always the service of another, with or without intent. When I sprain my ankle, a stout stick may help me walk and I enlist its assistance. I am now an encounter in motion, a woman and stick. It is hard for me to think of any challenge I might face without soliciting the assistance of others, human and not human. It is unselfconscious privilege that allows us to fantasize - counter factually - that we survive alone.
How do you conclude something as complicated as this? Okay how about this. Often you’ll hear people talking about capitalist alienation and it’s not really clear what that means. I think what Tsing is saying is that capitalism wants people to be individualised. That way labour can be scaled up, because the products aren’t related to the context that they are made in. So you can make a ford car in a factory in Detroit or Dhaka and the product will be the same. But Tsing is giving us a warning and a reminder that we aren’t individuals. That we have a relationship with everything around us and forgetting this can destroy our surroundings. This means humans and non-humans too! If we’re going to survive late capitalism and climate change we have to re-engage in these relationships.
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Are you a Boy or a Girl?
I’ve been getting this question a lot since I changed my header to include gender, where as it didn’t before. This is hardly the first time the question of sex has be posed at me. People have been asking me this since I was six years old.
And the answer? Well, it’s a little complicated...
From a very young age I was classified as a “tomboy” by my immediate family. One of the few positive things I can say about my mother is that she tried to raise my sister and I rather gender neutral considering she’s a Mormon. My interests were (for the most part) aloud to be explored and what I ended up liking were animals, swords and video games; Any and all “boy stuff”. No one was particularly surprised or unsupportive, as many of my friends were boys. My Grandfather even called me Mikey, the male version of my name, and still does to this day oddly enough.
Before I went to grade school my preferences weren’t challenged by anyone. Except my actual male friends. Kids under the age of 4 tend to just take their clothes off, and so I got my first lesson of biological differences when my childhood friend and I decided to strip naked and run around the yard, as kids to.
It was incredibly confusing, and I hadn’t learned the term Tomboy wasn’t literal. So for a long time in my youth, I just thought I was a different type of boy.
When I went to school at 6 years old, people would question why I was wearing boy stuff, or why I had my hair cut short once I spoke and they realized that I was actually a girl. Most of the time, people just shrugged it off, especially adults. But kids were absolutely volatile about -any- aberrant behavior for a “girl”.
I got made fun of, a lot. He-she was the most common thing in elementary, but as I grew older, naturally the insults and bullying got much, much worse.
It was particularly bad in church. Women are not treated like equal citizens in general by young boys, and putting a superiority complex on top of that which is enforced by Mormon ethics was miserable. Girls -had- to wear dresses and act meek or wise. Up until this point, I’d been doing the opposite of what I was expected to do because for all intensive purposes, I’d been treated and raised like a guy. Suddenly my mother had these weird feminine expectations for me that coincided with Mormonism.
And that just wasn’t me.
I wasn’t raised on dresses and dolls. I was allowed to play with dinosaurs and go digging in the mud. All of my friends were boys and they treated me the same as the other guys.
Puberty changed that entirely in most situations. Sure, I still had a lot of dude friends who I was just one of, but increasingly I felt displaced because the comfort zone I was aloud to grow up in was drastically changing.
Highschool was absolutely the worst for this. I was desperately trying to fit in to the mold that was set out for me. Being a woman is important, and it alienated me from both men and women because I’ve never felt like a girl, but I’m not biologically male and it’s instantly recognizable from my features and voice.
There were days I’d skip home to just lay in my bed and cry about it. I wanted to rip off my own damn skin because I felt so -wrong-. I turn, I lashed out at a lot of people trying to figure out who I should be, or who my mother wanted me to be, or even the church I’d been forced to follow for most of my young life.
It’s scary now looking back, and even more frightening looking forward. I know now that I’ve never wanted to be the sex I was born as— ever. Over time this feeling as just kept getting stronger and stronger.
But what can I do about that? There are a lot of complications being transgender. I worry that many of my friends will find it awkward and stop talking to me, or that my father will be weird about it being the cis male republican he is. Dating would be a thousand times more complicated because fairly, a lot of gay men (men are my preference) won’t date people who aren’t naturally born men. How would you even bring it up in conversation? It’s reasonable to predict a lot of people would be incredibly rude, and to be honest when you take shit for just being you all of your life it gets harder and harder to even want to try socializing.
But by far, the most difficult part about all of this is the reality of it. There is nothing I can do to have what I’d like in this situation. No matter what, I’ll always be stuck with what I was born with, and people will find that repulsive. In fact, no matter if I had the inconceivable amounts of money and time to transition, people would still be upset. No matter what I do, it’s impossible to get comfortable in my own skin around people because I’m taking shit from all sides.
And that’s why I like the internet. Everyone starts out neutral when you can’t see a face or hear a voice. For the most part, people will judge you based on your actions and what you say... that’s ultimately what I want. When it comes to friendships or social interaction, I want people to come out of it liking, or disliking me for who I am as a person, not what genitals I have.
Online games in particular point out just how grossly people equate gender to skill. No one ever is nasty to me until I speak up in a voice chat and reveal I was an ABERRANT WOMAN the entire time. I always feel betrayed, especially because I feel like they constantly misgender me. I did some competitive WoW PvP earlier this week and I haven’t felt this isolated, this disgusting about my body in a long time.
Seriously, if you are a dude who plays games, please never immediately point out a female voice and make it a joke. It really fucking hurts to be singled out all the time, even as an adult.
Especially if you are trans and afraid to ask them to call you male pronouns because of how homophobic, racist and sexist the randoms you are grouped with can be... I mean, I can never be happy with my body and having men constantly point out how much worse women are is equivalent to skinning a person alive and rolling them in salt for an hour....
So, the short answer? The gender I identify with is male. Please call me male pronouns.
I don’t want any more special consideration than that. I don’t expect people to bend over backwards for me... but it would be nice to at least be comfortable for once in my god damn life.
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oh my GOD that idea that you just mentioned about the fan response??? would literally die for that wtf and tbh i just want to see a lot of jason and whizzer interacting because i Always live for that
Media/Fans
the media finds out about them before they’re even like officially dating. Somehow one lucky paparazzi person that is on like stealth mode gets a picture of a tender moment when Marvin and Whizzer are out together somewhere. In the picture, Marvin is like brushing an eyelash off of Whizzer’s cheek or holding his hand or doing something really sappy (basically trying to communicate to an emotionally-stunted Whizzer that hey sleeping together is cool and all, but I want to actually date you, you know). Well, the news BLOWS UP with headlines like ‘Whizzer Brown’s Mystery Man’ and ‘Playboy baseball player settling down?’ and everyone scrambles to find out just who Marvin is. Once they find out that Marvin is a divorced dad, news outlets like TMZ are flooded with headlines like (thanks to @a-lesbian-from-next-door-too for this GEM of a headline) WHIZZER BROWN WITH DILF???
Whizzer Brown secret boyfriend is the most searched thing on Google that day.
All production in the tabloid industries stops as editors bark for their reporters to dig up more on this story. Journalists scramble for any bit of info they can get on Marvin.
And here comes disastrously incorrect articles like:
Marvin was actually still married when he and Whizzer started “dating.” Whizzer was the cause of his divorce.
Marvin is like 15 years older than Whizzer and is basically using Whizzer for his money.
Marvin has been Whizzer’s secret boyfriend (HUSBAND???) for over ten years now and it’s been kept well hushed hushed secret bc Whizzer has built a brand out of Gay Baseball Player/Playboy.
Jason is Marvin and Whizzer’s adopted child.
CONSPIRACY THEORY: Marvin and Whizzer are not actually together at all. Marvin is not even gay! Whizzer just wanted to rebrand himself from “player on and off the field” and so hired Marvin to be his fake boyfriend (pretending to be “settling down”). (this prompts a startled Marvin to exclaim, “How could anyone think I was straight???” to which Whizzer dead-panned responded, “Honey, no self-respecting gay man dresses like that.”
Also consider the TMZ panel (also credit to @a-lesbian-from-next-door-too for this exchange, too)
“Marvin? What kinda name is Marvin?”
“I know. It’s such an old man’s name!”
“It’s like he was born a middle-aged dad, you know?”
“Uh, guys, Whizzer is a pretty stupid name, too. When you think about it. I mean, who names their kid Whizzer?”
“No one asked you, Brent.”
“Yeah, Brent. Shut the fuck up.”
Marvin finds out about the news bc he goes to work the next morning and some asshole coworker has taped all the headlines around his desk (the DILF headline is blown up and taped over his entire desk).
Marvin is obv pissed and lowkey anxious bc he doesn’t want this sort of attention to negatively affect him or (GOD FORBID) Jason. Whizzer himself is just a little annoyed and sees that Marvin is upset, so he tries to like make the issue go away by tweeting out: “tfw ur out with one of ur booty calls and ppl think that just bc he held ur hand u two are getting married’. And uhh, this makes the media die down but Marvin gets more upset bc hey asshole I think I’m falling in love with you but apparently I’m still just one of your booty calls, huh? And Whizzer gets mad bc Marvin is mad and he just tried to make Marvin less mad, and angst angst angst.
When they do get together, Whizzer posts a picture on Instagram of the two of them with the caption 'tfw you fall in love with one of your booty calls’. And the Internet just kinda explodes.
Fans are a little mixed. On one hand, they’re happy that Whizzer seems to be happy. On another, they’re terrified that a relationship will somehow hurt Whizzer’s playing. They then shut the fuck up when Whizzer plays the most vicious game of his entire career and just throws the best pitches and just basically almost single-handedly eviscerates the other team. At the press conference, people ask what’s up with Whizzer’s playing, and one of Whizzer’s team members just sorta smirks and answers for him, “He has a lot of pent up tension and aggression. He hasn’t seen his boyfriend in like a month [bc it’s the peak of the season and they’ve had to move around a lot to different cities and such]."
Guys guys guys guys, I cannot begin to describe just how i c o n i c Marvin becomes so quickly.
Because once they’re like “official,” Whizzer spams his instagram account with Marvin - Marvin in a new gifted Red Sox jersey while Jason (in his decked out Yankees uniform) glares mockingly at him; at the park during a crisp fall afternoon, Marvin breathless and red-faced and caught mid-laugh; Marvin comically but dead-seriously holding a baseball bat with a stance and grip that makes Whizzer and all baseball fans around the world weep; Marvin Jason and Whizzer, in a cheesy selfie after a really tough game; a picture of Marvin’s back as the man is hunched over an oven (this one has the caption “I love when a man puts the steak in ;) ” ); a particularly artsy one with a black and white filter, with Marvin (asleep, hair mussed, naked but only his bare arms, shoulders, and upper back is not obscured by the white sheets) asleep in their bed. The fans lose their minds over these pictures, along with the little tibits of info/stories that Whizzer shares when prompted about what a dorky/lame/baseball-hating/he-writes-me-poetry-literally-what-a-fucking-nerd that his new boyfriend is.
When tweets and questions about Marvin keep buzzing Whizzer, Whizzer kindly asks (not forces, Jeez, Marv, don’t make it sound like I held a gun to your back) that Marvin get his own instagram/twitter accounts so they can just fawn over Marvin directly and leave Whizzer the hell alone to answer questions about baseball and photography and not about his relationship every fucking five minutes
This turns out to be a mistake. Marvin amasses ten thousand followers in six months. The guy barely even posts about Whizzer himself. He posts about broadway reviews and retweets funny cat pictures and every once in awhile, he posts partiuclarly needling things like how chess is better than baseball and he tags and @’s Whizzer in all of them. And everyone??? Loves it??? Whizzer is a little jealous at how people fawn over Marvin?? Like where’s some Whizzer love??? Whizzer is still the twunk that everyone loves, right???
Marvin is slowly accepted by the baseball wives. They’re catty and cliquish and they make Marvin’s life a living hell those first few months, but when Marvin does not take their shit and keeps pushing back, they grow to a mutual understanding that soon turns into begrudged respect that eventually turns into tentative friendship that eventually much much later turns into “if you dare utter one mean word or look at Marvin the wrong way, I will slit your throat with my sharpened, manicured, pastel pink-painted nails.” Whizzer shares one picture on his insta of Marvin with the baseball wives, with a glass of champagne in his hand and looking like he’s talking shit and the other baseball wives are laughing and eating this shit up, and he captions it: I think my boyfriend joined a cult.
The media as a whole leaves the two alone after they turn out to be just a regular couple and not that interesting?? EXCEPT EXCEPT EXCEPT (see next bullet point)
Okay, so Marvin hates baseball, right? This is established. This is well known. This is Fact. Well, after they become like “official” and the media now knows who Marvin is, news outlets start to attack him/make fun of him/crucify him for looking bored at Whizzer’s baseball games. Like he’ll have his phone out or he’ll have his chin propped up with his hand as if trying to combat sleepiness and sometimes he brings like a magazine to read and he always has that bored, vaguely pained “I do not want to be here right now” look on his face. And any time that the Red Sox makes a good play or gets a homerun, it’s clear that he’s been spacing out bc whenever the people around him start cheering, he likes jumps and does that weak, wide-eyed “Idk what just happened and i kinda want death right now but I am being supportive” clap (one time, he zoned out and Whizzer’s opposing team got a homerun, and Marvin just started meekly clapping bc he heard the crowd doing it and ESPN and TMZ and all the news outlets had a field day of making fun of him).
And the media??? is like “why are you not supporting your partner? You embarrass him by looking so bored. Can’t you learn to love the sport if you love him??” and being really bitchy about it. And Whizzer gets pissed and so goes on air during a press conference - when some smart-ass reporter tries to make a barb about Marvin looking bored and in pain - and says really bitchily, “Guys, Marvin just doesn’t like baseball, okay? Yeah, that makes him an idiot - because baseball is incredible - but it doesn’t make him a bad partner. I don’t expect him to love the things that I love. I like that we’re different, you know? That makes him less boring. Like, he goes to my games even though he hates baseball. That is being supportive. Like fucking hell, guys, I’m with him because he makes me laugh and has a great ass - not because he’s some super baseball fan.” CUE MIC DROP.
And yeah, there are homophobic reactions to the relationship. Facebook groups dedicated to it. Marvin gets hate mail and one time got like yelled at on the street. Some of the media’s stories are overtly homophobic and overly crass. It’s 2017, sure, but there are still idiots out there.
Marvin and Whizzer don’t let the attention - good or bad - get to them. They just keep being in love and posting overly sappy instagram posts about their anniversaries and poking fun at each other on twitter and the attention never breaks them.
I will posts Jason specific headcanons later but like dang, this took a lot out of me bc I have a lot of FEELINGS and if you have more headcanons about this topic, reblog and add your own bc I’m curious how you feel the media/fans would take this.
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Holding the Stick (5/?)
Alec Lightwood has dreamed of hoisting Lord Stanley since he was eight. It's in his blood. He's spent the last five years trying to make that dream a reality, only managing to fall short each time.
Until a scandal leads to a multi-team trade that sends Magnus Bane his way. One of the top performing wingers in the league. An up and coming star.
And the most handsome man Alec has ever met.
He's doomed.
Chapter One / Chapter Two / Chapter Three / Chapter Four
“Are you okay?”
Alec turns his head from where he’s spent the last five minutes staring out the window of the car, sliding his eyes in the direction of the voice belonging to the person whose hand is currently resting on his thigh.
“Huh?”
Lydia laughs gently at him and smiles, giving his thigh a squeeze.
“I asked if you were okay. We are, at some point, going to have to get out of the car. Unless you just want to spend the night in here. Do they let limos through drive thrus? Because we could always hit up Taco Bell. I know how much you love a good Mexican pizza.”
It’s true. Alec does love a good Mexican pizza. But he knows Lydia is just humoring him and so he smiles back at her, squeezes the hand still attached to his thigh, and says a quiet, “I’m ready,” that’s at least seventy-five percent lie.
Okay, maybe ninety percent.
His parents had insisted on the limo despite the fact that they know it makes him uncomfortable to be let out of a stretch at the curb like some sort of freaking celebrity. But outside of actual hockey competition, this is the biggest night of the organization’s year: The thousand dollars a plate, Blackhawks Charity Extravaganza. And so there’s no way Robert and Maryse Lightwood are letting either of their grown children arrive in their own vehicles, not even Izzy’s Porsche.
His mud-stained, seven-year-old SUV that used to be black but has now been sun-bleached to the sort of gray you see in zombie movies? That he gets. But the Porsche?
Lydia links arms with him as soon as he’s done helping her out, and it’s comforting, having her here. She’s been one of his best friends ever since the day two and a half years ago when they agreed to be each other’s beards. A partnership they’d concocted to both hide the fact that he’s gay and that she’s currently dating his bisexual sister.
Although their parents aren’t necessarily homophobic in the strictest sense of the term, they are professionally disapproving of any lifestyle other than straight, white, polite. And given how deeply they own almost every aspect of his and his sister’s existence, they’ve always just found it easier to hide the truth from them instead of dealing with the consequences of honesty. Which is why his arrangement with Lydia has been one of the best things in both his and Izzy’s life.
Alec gets to keep his parents off his back, and Izzy gets to stick it to them by secretly having her girlfriend at family functions. It’s a win-win.
Lydia looks beautiful tonight in this sleeveless, pearl colored number with, like, beads and stuff everywhere. A dress that matches the jacket Izzy made him wear because she said she couldn’t stand the thought of him going to one more of these things in his normal black on black on bland fare.
He feels like an idiot in the off white jacket with something called brocade that she picked out specifically because of how well it matched Lydia’s dress. Like he’s going to look like a freaking waiter or something. But Izzy had threatened to burn everything in his closet if he tried to wear his old black one and so he’d caved like he always does with her.
It’s too visible. He feels too visible, like he can’t just blend into the background in this. And these kinds of functions are usually bad enough as is. But now that he has to walk around in a jacket that practically screams I am interesting, come talk to me, he sort of wants to run back to the limo and take Lydia up on her not-real Taco Bell offer.
Maybe if he spills hot sauce on the jacket, Izzy will let him take it off.
He always hopes that he’ll feel better once he’s inside, like just crossing the threshold will magically make the nerves disappear. But just like the other four times he’s been forced to come to this function, stepping through the door does nothing but make him feel even more like he’s going to puke. And who needs hot sauce when he can just vomit all over himself, right?
They make the obligatory rounds first, kissing his father’s Stanley Cup ring and telling his mother how beautiful she looks before making small talk with the other bigwigs whose names Alec can never remember. Which is another reason why Lydia is one of the greatest people in existence. Because not only does she know who these people are, but she can actually engage them in conversation that sounds vastly more human than the grunting he’s usually capable of. And so he’s almost sort of close to calm when his eyes trail towards the door and all semblance of balance slips from within him like a flash flood.
Magnus looks stunning. There is no word in the English language better capable of describing the way he looks tonight, given that Alec is literally stunned into both silence and paralysis when he sees him walk in.
If Alec thought his outfit screamed interest, it’s nothing compared to what Magnus is wearing tonight: Black tuxedo pants, a black, bond-collared shirt with shiny silver buttons done all the way up his neck, topped off with this deep burgundy velour jacket that perfectly compliments the shock of magenta in his hair. His eyeliner so thick that Alec can see it from fifty feet out, and he’s too freaking stunned by it all that it takes him a good minute to realize that Magnus is not alone.
There’s a woman with him, beautiful, actually. She’s dark skinned, covered from neck to foot in blue silk that perfectly matches the deep blue of her eyes. And it’s weird, the way his emotions are seesawing here, high as a freaking kite upon seeing Magnus, and buried six feet under upon seeing his date.
Date.
Magnus brought a date.
And yeah, technically Alec did too. And also technically there’s nothing between them… nothing that should make dates feel weird and sad and stupid. But Alec’s heart is racing right now, and he sort of feels like he can’t breathe, and so he’s just about to head off in search of a paper bag when Lydia rests her hand in the crook of his elbow and drags him back down to earth.
“Everything all right up there?” she asks softly enough so as not to be heard by anyone else but him.
He just pinches his lips and nods, though, because Magnus is making his way over to them and so spoken words are going to have to be back-burnered for the time being.
“You must be Magnus,” Lydia says once it evidently becomes obvious to her that no one else is going to open up the conversation. “I’m Lydia.”
“It’s good to meet you, Lydia,” Magnus replies as he takes Lydia’s outstretched hand in his own. “This is Catarina.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Catarina,” Lydia says, and Alec is dizzy. It’s dizzy in here. He’s dizzy in it. In here. But he’s also being introduced right now by a soft elbow into his side and Lydia speaking the words, “And this is Alec,” and so he’s pretty sure he has to act like a person right now.
“I’m Alec,” he says, which was already established. But at least he got his name right and so he’s going to take that as a win as beautiful, blue Catarina reaches out to shake his hand.
He wants to go home. Wants to make a pit stop at Taco Bell, buy six Mexican pizzas and sit on his couch in his underwear watching ESPN so badly right now. But he knows if he bolts his parents will disown him, maybe ship him off to Columbus or something, and so he tries to swallow down the lump in the back of his throat and stays put.
The girls are talking a second later, their voices a soft hum in the back of his distracted brain. And he’s just thinking about how nice it is to eat Mexican food in nothing but your underwear because then if you spill on yourself, at least you’re not staining your clothes, when Magnus leans up and says directly into his ear, “Nice tux.”
That’s it. That’s what does it. Magnus is far too attractive for Alec to be this sober.
They split back off into their original pairs a few polite minutes later, but the damage has already been done. Alec’s brain might as well be a giant bag of cats right now, but like, shaken up so that the cats are extra special pissed. And so the first waiter he sees carrying one of those trays of free drinks they have at shindigs like this is suddenly his new best friend.
He grabs two glasses and tries not to feel bad about the look on Lydia’s face when she realizes one of them is not for her.
Alec doesn’t drink much, and he almost never drinks during the season for about a dozen or so very logical, practical reasons. But it’s the kind of thing he simply can’t help as he watches Magnus lead his date around the party, his hand practically glued to the small of her back.
A part of him wonders if he should try and figure out when this happened. When his stupid bag of cats brain went from Magnus is really great at hockey gee isn’t he swell to holy shit Magnus is really fucking attractive fucking hell. But he’s pretty sure he doesn’t have to go far beyond the night one week ago today that Magnus and he shared a hotel room while Magnus slept in his clothes. And all of a sudden he really, really hates the juvenile dipshits he calls teammates.
If only they hadn’t soaked Magnus’ sheets.
He’s watching Magnus and Catarina dance sometime later. He’s not entirely sure where Lydia went, but the nice champagne waiters are sure easy to find. Which is why he’s downing his fourth glass – flute? – and which is also why he’s feeling more than a little lightheaded as Magnus and his date move around the dance floor like professionals because of course. But so Alec is dealing with all of that when his sister comes up to talk to him like she’s got the same damn ESP Jace has.
Extra Sensory PissoffAlec-tion.
“He’s a good dancer,” she says to break the ice as she nudges Alec over to clear some leaning space for herself against the pillar he called dibs on twenty minutes ago.
“Don’t,” he warns.
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t be… you,” he replies as he drains the last drop from his flute-glass and sets it on the floor by his feet.
“I really have no idea what you’re implying, Alec. All I said was that he’s a good dancer.”
“Yeah, and one who already has a partner.”
He hates the way he sounds when he says that, how his voice is just… like... miserable. Dark and low and sad and where are those damn waiters when you need them?
Izzy laughs, which never ceases to dampen his mood.
“She’s his agent, you idiot.”
He most definitely does not care about that fact, but he still looks down at Izzy and asks, “How do you know?”
“Because I spent an hour getting chewed out by her after that press conference. You know, the one the good dancer did for you.”
“Shut up.”
“We both know that’s not happening. I think you should ask him out.”
The groan that escapes from Alec’s lips sounds like something out of a science fiction movie. Like the alien from the black lagoon or something.
“What?” she asks, all feigned innocence and tiny person obnoxiousness.
“What, Izzy? What? Even if he was interested, which, let’s be honest,” he pauses there to raise his hands and look down at himself, “is a pretty big if, then what?”
“What do you mean a pretty big if?” she asks, completely bypassing the point of his… point.
“I’m an asshole, Iz. People aren’t generally attracted to assholes, and the ones who are often have something wrong with them that I don’t have the time or energy to deal with.”
“You’re not an asshole,” she says all genuine and stuff, her hand rising to rest on his arm. But all he does is shrug her off because that so totally was not where he was going with this.
“I’m not fishing for compliments, I’m just trying to make a point.”
“Well I’m sorry, but when my dear, sweet older brother tries to make a point by spewing the horseshit our asshole parents have beaten into us over the years, I tend to get a little testy.”
Alec rolls his eyes.
“My point, Izzy, is that even if he were interested, then what?”
“Alec, if you don’t know the then what, I think we have bigger things to worry about here.”
“Funny. What I mean is, why the hell would I make a pass at a teammate? In the middle of a potential Cup run? What am I, an idiot?”
She blinks up at him like she thinks she already knows the answer to that question better than he does.
“How does that play out, huh? We’re what? Fuck buddies? And then what? One person wants more and the other doesn’t? Or worse, both people want more and then… then secret dating? Putting mental energy into figuring out how to work that crap out while the media is already circling him like buzzards?”
He pauses again, this time to catch his breath.
“I’m pretty sure you know what would happen if mom and dad found out about either one of us,” he says, waving his arm a bit wildly between him and his sister. “But so we want it. Sure. We try it. Try to hide it. But that takes energy, Iz. Energy that should be focused on one thing. And what is that one thing?”
“Hockey?” she asks as she crosses her arms over her chest and glares up at him.
“Yes. Hockey. Our job. Playing hockey for the team we are both on. The team that I’m the captain of, which means it’s my responsibility to maintain the order. The balance. The chemistry. And although I do not as of yet have any personal experience with this, I’m pretty sure that two players in the same locker room fucking each other is not the best thing for team-wide bonding.”
“Jeez, Alec, fine. I wasn’t saying you should marry the guy or anything, I was just suggesting drinks.”
He makes this pfft sound at her and grabs another glass of champagne from the waiter passing through his peripheral.
“Yeah, well, I don’t have time for drinks. I have a team to take care of.”
He storms off at that, confident that he won the argument. But for some reason it doesn’t make him feel any better. In fact, it makes him feel worse as he finishes off his third (fourth? fifth?) glass of champagne and heads out to the balcony to get some air.
As is wont to happen when he is mostly drunk and breathing semi-fresh, kind of smoggy air, Alec has an idea. And after another two glasses of champagne, he actually has the courage to put that idea into motion.
It starts with the bed sheets. With the night that ruined his tenuous grip on sanity combined with the fact that he never actually made it up to Magnus for doing that stupid press conference for him. And so Alec has an idea.
The first step is to figure out who did it. And he has a pretty good guess, but he still wants to be one hundred percent sure and so he goes to Simon. Because given how much he and Raphael are attached at the hip, if anyone other than his surly I’ll never tell you, copper defenseman knows who was allowed into Magnus’ room to play the prank, it’s Simon.
It would almost be surprising how easy it is to get the information out of him if not for the fact that he already knew, years ago, that Simon was a complete pushover. So all it takes is one thinly veiled threat about taking Simon’s lucky jockstrap and selling it on Ebay to get him to crack open like a piñata.
He knew it was Jace. From minute freaking one he knew it was Jace. But now he has confirmation.
Step two is to acquire assistance, and given that all of this is being done for Magnus, he figures he’d be the best partner to have in this little caper.
He’s dateless at the moment. And Alec wonders vaguely about fancy party black holes that swallow dates, about Lydia and Catarina, trapped in some alternate dimension maybe, as he walks up to where Magnus is currently discussing something no doubt boring as hell with Raphael and Raj.
He wraps one hand lightly around Magnus’ elbow and leans down possibly closer than he needs to. But he really wants to make sure he’s not overheard for the sake of their secret crime caper as he says, directly into Magnus’ ear, “Can I borrow you for a sec?”
He almost, almost says sex instead of sec. And there’s no almost about the assumption that if he’d actually done that, he would’ve ended up running from the room cackling like the Joker.
Magnus looks up at him and nods, just that, a simple nod. And then Alec is tugging him out of the room by his elbow because he forgot that politeness dictates you let adults walk on their own.
“Is everything all right?” Magnus asks once they’re safely out on the balcony.
“Why does everyone keep asking me that? I’m fine. Better than fine, actually. I’m terrific. And I’ve got a present for you.”
Alec cannot actually describe the look on Magnus’ face. It’s like when you used to have to use crappy internet, and your video would freeze halfway between a shot, with like one half of the person’s face frozen in one expression and the other half frozen in another.
“What kind of present?”
Alec does not have time to dwell on how… like… smooth Magnus’ voice sounds as the weight of the very empty, very secluded balcony he just lured Magnus to starts to suck in around them.
“Vengeance.”
He meant it to sound cool, like the closing line of some cliffhanger scene in a TV show. But the way Magnus is scrunching his eyes at him leads Alec to believe that he missed the mark.
“For the prank,” he elaborates. “You know, the soaked bed sheets?”
“Ah,” Magnus says, only it’s more like ahhhhhhhh. And Alec must look really crestfallen that Magnus didn’t jump with glee at his gift because a second later Magnus is actually reaching a hand out to him and resting it on his arm as he says, “That is very thoughtful of you, Alec. What did you have in mind?”
He looks down at where Magnus’ hand is still wrapped over off white brocade, his black fingernails stark in contrast. And his mouth feels sort of sticky, like he could really use another drink as the words, “Do you trust me?” slip raw from between his lips.
When he slides his eyes back up again, Magnus is just staring at him, something almost dark pooling in the brown of his eyes as he nods his head. And the smile that works its way across Alec’s lips is one he only breaks out on very special occasions.
It’s crooked, devious, and it perfectly matches his tone when he says, “Good. Follow my lead.”
Step three is the most difficult one of the bunch, as it involves somehow getting Jace’s phone away from him without his knowledge. And Alec only needs about sixty seconds with it, but for someone who might as well have his phone permanently fused to his hand like Jace, sixty seconds is going to be difficult.
They wait until he’s alone, dicking around on it like usual, probably posting asinine crap on Twitter. And then it’s Magnus’ turn to be the distraction. Which is something he’s been excelling at all night if Alec is any judge of the situation.
He’s got two glasses of whiskey in his hands, Jace’s favorite, as he saunters over to where Jace is standing. And they needed to make sure he was by a table, conveniently at his side, because when Magnus asks Jace to hold both glasses, they need Jace to put his phone on the table and not in his pocket.
There’s no way Alec is fishing around in Jace’s pockets for anything. Ever.
The ploy works. So when Magnus does this little pivot move to pull Jace’s peripheral away from the phone, Alec swoops in and grabs it like a freaking ninja. And then, sixty seconds later, he swoops back in and replaces it while Magnus and Jace finish their whiskeys and Jace, as per usual, is none the wiser.
This is going so much better than he expected.
Step four is the fun part, the easy part. The part where Alec uses his phone to text Jace only thanks to the way he switched out Jace’s contacts, whatever Alec types is going to come up as if it is from Clary, Jace’s longtime girlfriend who seems to have also slipped into the date black hole.
But so the text will be from Alec, but Jace will think it’s from Clary. And it’s possible that Alec is too drunk to be doing something like this but he does it anyway because he and Magnus are having fun together, both laughing at the high of the prank. And Magnus is kind of draped over him right now, looking down at Alec’s hands, Alec’s phone. And so even though the smart part of his brain is sounding off all sorts of sirens and warning bells, Alec still types the text out exactly like he planned:
I’m sorry I couldn’t say this to your face, Jace. I’ve been trying to think of some way to tell you all night but I just couldn’t figure it out. I’m pregnant.
Alec hits send. And then they wait.
It doesn’t take long for Jace to freak out, and it doesn’t take long for him to find Clary either. And as the two of them argue safely out of earshot, Magnus has his arm wrapped so tightly around Alec’s it’s practically cutting off his circulation. They’re laughing again, though, laughing still, watching the show only about a minute into the program, there’s an unexpected twist when Clary decks Jace so hard he actually falls to the ground.
Oh.
Shit.
Jace is looking at his phone a second later, is pushing some buttons and then Alec’s phone is ringing and that’s his cue to get the fuck out of Dodge.
He grabs Magnus’ hand, his cheeks warm from the way he’s probably blushing like a moron as he says, “Come on,” and begins tugging him again. And then they’re running, laughing, trying to find a place to hide and really, Alec doesn’t know why he doesn’t drink more often because this is fun.
He is having so much fun.
He’s laughing so hard he’s almost hiccupping when they duck inside a closet and close the door so they’re enshrouded in near pitch black. But it’s like the second the door closes and the light disappears, reality comes crashing around his feet.
Magnus is really close. Like, really close, close enough to feel his breath on his skin, to smell the bitter pinch of whiskey mixed with something sweeter that actually manages to make Alec’s mouth water. And he’s holding Magnus’ elbows now, feeling the weight of Magnus’ palms pressed against his chest as Magnus leans against him for balance. And in all of that, Alec realizes that this was probably a very, very bad idea.
“Magnus, I,” he starts to say, but at that moment they hear screaming outside the door. Jace’s voice carrying to them through thin plywood and so Magnus’ hand is flat over Alec’s mouth inside of a second.
“Shhhh,” he says, the hush warm on Alec’s skin. And he can’t really make out Magnus’ face in the dark like this, but it’s almost like there’s a glint in his eyes, sharp and bright, and Alec feels sort of like he’s going to pass out.
He moves his lips against Magnus’ palm, which causes this odd, heated noise to escape Magnus as he twists his fingers in Alec’s stupid brocade jacket. And Alec can taste salt now, from the sweat on Magnus’ palm, and it strikes him that there’s a very good chance that he is actually, right here and now, kissing Magnus’ palm like a freaking moron.
Thankfully Magnus slides his hand down then, but he doesn’t go far with it, just low enough to trail his fingers along Alec’s bottom lip. And it takes every single ounce of self-control he has not to open his mouth and use his tongue to pull Magnus’ fingers in.
Even though it’s dark in here, he can feel Magnus staring up at him, can sense the tension in the way Magnus is shaking slightly up against him, his fingers still just moving slowly back and forth over Alec’s lip. And the only word Alec can seem to think right now is abort.
Abort, abort, abort.
But his eyes are starting to adjust to the light, and there are currently two Magnuses standing in front of him and he really wants to, like, kiss the shit out of both of them. And he’s maybe just drunk enough to do it as his hands tighten around Magnus’ elbows. Only the second he goes to open his mouth, the closet is flooded with light.
“Got you, asshole!” Jace yells. And then he’s grabbing Alec’s jacket, hauling him out of the closet and bending him over far enough to get him in a headlock. And Alec sort of wants to cry right now for a lot of reasons as Jace starts spinning him around the hallway like now that he’s got Alec he’s not entirely sure what to do with him.
He’s dizzy again. So very dizzy. And the nausea he’s been battling all night is working inside of him, pressing at his ribs. And so he says, “Jace, I think I’m gonna,” only he doesn’t even get out the word puke before he’s doing just that. All over Jace’s shoes.
It is in this exact moment that Alec remembers why he doesn’t drink.
“Dude, these shoes cost five hundred dollars!” Jace shrieks, his voice a dull echo in Alec’s currently throbbing head. And he needs to move. More than anything he needs to move right now, extricate himself from this situation A-freaking-SAP and so he does.
He runs.
Or, well, he stumbles. Running implies actual coordinated movement. But so he stumbles quickly, as quickly as he can, until he’s outside in the frigid air and then, and only then, does he breathe. But he doesn’t actually allow himself to think until he’s inside a cab, outside a cab, and inside his condo, his arms wrapped around his thankfully-clean-before-tonight toilet bowl as he finishes what he started all over Jace’s five hundred dollar shoes.
His phone keeps pinging from the pocket of the jacket he dropped on his couch as he made a mad dash for the bathroom. Because as much as he’d wanted to do it before, Izzy paid a lot for that stupid jacket and he really doesn’t want to get puke on it if he can help it. But he’s ignoring that, his phone, ping, ping, pinging away because there is not a single person he wants to see, hear, or text at this moment.
All he wants to do is shrink up into a little ball and disappear. Because even though he’s still pretty damn drunk, he can already tell how massively he fucked up tonight on at least five or six different levels. And sadly, the only way he can think to get out of the quicksand he just stepped into is to disappear.
Where the hell is David Blaine when you need him?
#Malec#Magnus Bane#Alec Lightwood#Jace Wayland#Lydia Branwell#Isabelle Lightwood#Clary Fray#hockey au#hockey fic#holding the stick fic
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