#there’s just something so heartbreaking about sam literally doing whatever it takes to get max back to him

[wikipediathefreeencyclopedia]

i’m going insane

[shanethvarosa]

Music Review: 2020

My blog has been a lot of things over the years, but it did originate as something I used to publicly review music; especially in the Visual Kei scene. Since I began the blog so many years ago, I had actually been hired to review Visual Kei and J-Rock music for an actual website: VKH-Press.com, work I am very, very proud of to this day. However, with not much news to comment on or work to critique, I haven’t been as active. Plus, personal issues always seem to stand in my way. However, I always take the time to discuss my passions at the end of the year. There were so many incredible releases, despite the COVID-19 pandemic, and so I wanted to take the time time to discuss my favorite releases and, maybe, the not-so-favorites as well. Quick shout out to Bastille’s Goosebumps EP and Megan Thee Stallion’s Good News LP as I did not get to listen to them before I wrote up my lists, but were still excellent releases. See my thoughts below! 

Overall, there were about 75 albums or groupings of albums I listened to this year and split them between various tiers. Starting with the bad tier, there were actually only ten albums listed here and mostly just because they were seemingly unnecessary collection albums. For example, another Satsuki collection? Rides in ReVellion releasing two greatest hits LPs after only five years of work? Beyonce releasing The Lion King: The Gift again? None of those felt like necessary releases. There weren’t many albums that really screamed bad to me this year, but I really could not stand Vanessa Carlton’s “Love is an Art” or Justin Bieber’s “Changes.” The only other albums on this tier were just underwhelming compared to what I know the artist is capable of, but the “best bad tier album,” in my view, was The 1975′s “Notes on a Conditional Form.” 

The mid-tier albums had all sorts of reasons for being only mid-tier. They weren’t quite bad or outright unnecessary, but are mostly by artists who put out work that was nowhere near the caliber of their usual work or were re-releases or other collection albums. For example, Tove Lo’s “Sunshine Kitty: Pawprint Edition” or Man With A Mission’s remixes/b-sides/covers albums. Nice to have with good quality music, but I wish we’d just have had brand new EPs or LPs. 

The good-tier albums were all really excellent releases, but didn’t hit home the way anything on the “God-Tier” list did. Here, I’d like to share a quick top ten: 

10. Taeyeon’s “Purpose: Repackage” & Japanese EP, “#GirlsSpkOut” 9. Charli XCX’s “How I’m Feeling Now” 8. Miyavi’s “Holy Nights” & “Holy Nights: 2020 Lockdown” 7. TK’s “Sainou” 6. PVRIS’s “Use Me” 5. Buck-Tick’s “Abracadabra” 4. Katy Perry’s “Smile” 3. Alicia Keys’ “Alicia” 2. Dua Lipa’s “Future Nostalgia” & “Club Future Nostalgia” 1. Ava Max’s “Heaven & Hell

Without furhter ado, though, the God Tier Top 25: 

25. Acme’s We Are Visual Kei: Essentially a collection album of several songs that were b-sides that never made a full-blown album. This LP was loaded with some of Acme’s best work and shows that they are going to be here for a long time, despite Div not quite working out. Recommended tracks: Mononoke Requiem, Gekiyama Celluloid, Houkago no Shiiku 

24. Alanis Morisette’s Such Pretty Forks in the Road: Admittedly, a huge fan in the 90′s and loved her cover of Seal’s Crazy. However, before this album I didn’t really listen to much of her body of work and I can see why today’s youth might not listen to this album. It is very “adult” insofar as it deals with her struggles in marriage, parenting, religion, etc. Her vocal performance is exceptional and her song writing remains some of the best in the business. Recommended tracks: Smiling, Nemesis, Reasons I Drink. 

23. Niall Horan’s Heartbreak Weather: Not my usual cup of tea, but for some reason Niall’s music makes me feel softer than normal. He’s very cute and charming and his words are always so romantic. It feels more genuine than the music made by other members of One Direction and kind-of reminds me of earlier Taylor Swift writing, but from a male perspective. Recommended Tracks: Put A Little Love On Me, Arms of a Stranger, Still. 

22. K/DA’s All Out: I don’t even really understand what this is, but I love it. There’s something to do with League of Legends? Cartoons? International pop stars? Whatever it is, I’m totally obsessed. These songs just completely slap. Recommended Tracks: The Baddest, More, Drum Go Dum. 

21. Darrell’s Brilliant Death: This might even “officially” be a single, but there’s enough content to market it as an album. Darrell is a band formed from the ashes of Deathgaze and Ai’s solo project. Who knows why Ai didn’t just continue after his solo album, Confusion, but he decided to go back to the band-format with confusingly-named Darrell. This album is then, incidentally, mostly Deathgaze covers. It brings the production into the new era and gives you a lot of nostalgic love for old hits. Recommended Tracks: Brilliant Death, Evoke the World, Abyss. 

20. Alice Nine’s Fuyajou Eden & Kuro to Wonderland: Neither album was particularly long, in fact these were glorified EPs that could’ve been merged to one two-sided LP, but in either case... Both albums had something really special to offer and felt like a true comeback after years of name changes and finally going back to their original, kanji-styled name. Recommended Tracks: Kakumei Kaika -Revolutionary Blooming-, Testament, Replica, Glow. 

19. Mucc’s Aku: This album felt very long in the making after a series of weird singles that didn’t feel like they were going anywhere. Ultimately, a lot of those singles did not make the album including my favorite one: Taboo. The resulting album, though, did feel very cohesive and thematic and even featured one of this year’s heavy hitters: Hazuki. Recommended Tracks: Aku -Justice-, Memai, Ameria. 

18. Miley Cyrus’s Plastic Hearts: This person is absolutely one of my favorite people in music. I’m pretty sure they have comeout as genderfluid/non-binary, so I want to stick with safe pronouns, just in case. However, they’ve always been a favorite and as they’ve come out as such a champion for the LGBT, I love them even more. The album though gave me a lot of hype for something very 80′s rock, but didn’t quite give me what I expected. All in all, the music was fantastic, just a little off-beat from expectations. Recommended Tracks: Gimme What I Want, Angels Like You, WTF Do I Know. 

17. Rina Sawayama’s Sawayama: I didn’t expect to fall in love with this girl the way I did. My boyfriend recommended “STFU” to me as kind of a joke because the song discusses a lot of Asian racism that I’m always criticizing people in my life for falling into, but then the song was so bad ass I checked out the album. There were so many different types of music on it and she really did a good job with all of them. Then, with the deluxe edition coming out and the hardcore club banger “Lucid” being involved... Just really brought it all home. Recommended Tracks: Tokyo Love Hotel, Lucid, Fuck This World. 

16. Amber Liu’s X: This was just an EP, but every song on it was great. Amber Liu was from f(x), a K-Pop Icon Group, but she always seemed like the odd one out. She was such a tomboy, so silly and funny all the time, and didn’t really behave like other Korean idols. I mean, really, she isn’t actually even Korean. I believe she’s Chinese American. In either case, the EP really noted some of her own personal strugles in the business and also remaining pretty fun at parts too. I saw her live in Philly before COVID-19 and she was truly excellent. Recommended Tracks: Numb, Stay Calm, Other People. 

15. Blackpink’s The Album: Not much of an album at only 8 tracks, but that’s K-Pop for you. I bet next year I’ll be putting “Blackpink’s The Album: Repackage” on my top 25 list. The quality of the music was pretty dope though, all things considered. It was a very solid debut effort with all of their previous songs being somewhere in the same lane as this one. I still kind of believe they are a reminder of what 2NE1 could have been, but they’re doing well enough on their own. Recommended Tracks: Ice Cream, Lovesick Girls, Pretty Savage. 

14. Hazuki’s Year Over All: Kind of a weird way to word it, but Hazuki basically released two albums this year in different formats. His work with his band, Lynch., was pretty magnificent. I’m not one to usually dwell on a Lynch. album. Their singles or featured tracks are what I usually get into, but the actual album (Ultima) really did a good job of showing how versatile Hazuki can be. His solo album, Souen -Funeral-, was an entirely stripped down, gothic orchestral album of Lynch. covers and other J-Hard Rock artists. Hearing it done like this was almost transcendental. Recommended Tracks: Xero, Idol, Ray, D.A.R.K. 

13. Sam Smith’s Love Goes: They had me scared that their album wasn’t coming this year once they pushed it back, back in May. Then again, at the time, an album called “To Die For” was probably super tone deaf. In any case, literally every single released for this album had me in love. So, when they all got included in the final version, I was thrilled. Sam gave us a bonus song after the album as well, but I can see why that one didn’t get on. In any case, this is a huge step up from “The Thrill of it All,” which I didn’t really care for. Recommended Tracks: Another One, Dance (’Til You Love Someone Else), Forgive Myself. 

12. Troye Sivan’s In A Dream: I love this kid. He’s so gay and so not shy about it and it really makes me smile. The EP comes after his last LP, Bloom, where the title track basically talks about bottoming for the first time and this new EP deals with a few other queer issues over weirdly produced beats that just... make sense. Recommended tracks: Stud, In A Dream, Easy. 

11. Matenrou Opera’s Chronos: Unfortunately, this band just lost their guitarist again. Their original, Anzi, was basically the most consummate guitarist in the visual kei scene that wasn’t Hizaki and he left them. Their sound wasn’t quite right since and they seemed to just get it back with Chronos when Jay left them. I guess we’ll see what they do next, but I think Chronos could be their last great release. Recommended Tracks: Chronos, Silence, Reminiscence. 

10. BoA’s Better: A very recent release that hasn’t had much time for me to digest. This is strange for me to put it so high on my list for that reason, but BoA is one of my all time favorites. She never disappoints me. This album was no different. It wasn’t exactly up to par with “Woman” or “Watashi Kono Mama de Ii no Kana,” but it definitely gave us some new and very iconic Queen BoA bangers. Recommended Tracks: Cut Me Off, Start Over, Temptations. 

9. Kesha’s High Road: A semi-step down from Rainbow, only because a lot of the same melodic elements and, sometimes, even beats were used on this album too. However, her vocal performance was outstanding and she even gave us a new dirty-pop song with some interesting indie-pop tracks to go with it. Plus, who doesn’t love a Big Freedia feature? Recommended Tracks: Resentment, Raising Hell, Tonight. 

8. Lady Gaga’s Chromatica: Anyone who knows me knows I don’t really love Gaga anymore. After all the drama with Madonna and her experimentation with “Joanne” I didn’t think I’d ever like her music again. However, she definitely won back big points for me on Chromatica. It was finally fun, weird, dancey, and then simultaneously emotional and I was really able to get back into it. She’s always had the voice, but on this one it also showed us that she still has what made us love her. Recommended Tracks: Rain On Me, Plastic Doll, Enigma. 

7. Koda Kumi’s My Name Is... Angel + Monster: She is, very likely, my Japanese Pop Queen. She always makes these absolutely outlandish bangers of dance tracks that have such a great attitude and beat and when she released re(CORD)... last year? 2018? Who can remember... I thought she could never outdo herself. Then she released “Lucky Star” and I was floored. I was a bit disappointed when they were only to promote a “My Name Is...” collection album, but then, to my surprise, a full set of new tracks came out just after that just blew me entirely away. Guess the last 6 albums must be pretty great, huh? Recommended tracks: Killer Monster, Work It!, Alarm. 

6. Grimes’ Miss Anthropocene: I’ve never been a big fan of Grimes, but when Violence came out I was really looking forward to whatever album this was going to end up promoting. The song is actual fire, but then the LP ended up being some kind of experimental Gothic Pop with Asian Pop influences I never expected. I doubt I’ll ever find something she does this good ever again, but it was really a musical light in the darkness of this year. Recommended tracks: Darkseid, Delete Forever, Violence. 

5. Kylie Minogue’s Disco: Admittedly, my draw to Kylie has always been that she is like some kind of Australian Madonna. Madonna being one of my all time favorite artists... In fact, number 2 for all women I listen to, Kylie has some big shoes to fill with her sometimes generic pop that she puts out. However, I haven’t really truly loved a Kylie song since “Get Outta My Way” and then this album comes out filled with tracks to love for the rest of time. Recommended Tracks: Miss A Thing, Till You Love Somebody, Magic. 

4. Chanmina’s Notebook/Angel: I don’t have really any way of knowing how popular Chanmina is in Japan or if she is as popular in the Japanese Queer Scene as she should be, but god damn does she know what she’s doing. Her music is raunchy, bitchy, and condescending at it’s highest and deeply personal at it’s most mellow. There is no “lowest.” “Notebook” was a two-sided album and “Angel” a strong follow up EP, but all the recommended tracks are from “Notebook.” If you have not listened to “Picky”.... go do it now, I’ll wait. Recommended tracks: Picky, Baby, Lucy. 

3. The Weeknd’s After Hours: Incidentally, I got into The Weeknd after someone said something shitty about him here on Tumblr! I took their likely-valid criticism and went to check him out for myself and I gotta say, I love his work. The beats are literally always on point and his voice is like silk. This album provided more than a few iconic songs and I always can’t wait to see what he does next. Recommended Tracks: Alone Again, Heartless, Blinding Lights. 

2. Halsey’s Manic: The singles and features she did between Hopeless Fountain Kingdom and Manic gave me such insanely high hopes and I was not disappointed. HFK was a strong album of course, but this was near perfection for me. I think the production of this alt-pop album was the star of the show because it wasn’t all one way, there were heavy-bass songs, interesting piano riffs, striaght up punk rock, all of it. She really made an album quite like it’s namesake. Recommended Tracks: Ashley, Killing Boys, Still Learning. 

1. Dexcore’s Metempsychosis: A newcomer to the visual kei and death metal scene, they’ve been putting out single after single for years in preparation for their extemeley long and multidaceted debut album. With a total of about 33 songs, the entire second disc was rerecorded singles from their early days and some even got new lyrical treatment. The main series of songs were, of course, also totally flooring and all of the recommended tracks are the new ones. If you haven’t checked them out by now, you have to! Recommended tracks: Cibus, Scribble, Period.

[spnfanficpond]

May 2020 Angel Fish Awards

(New Angel Fish design by @slytherkins!!)

Every month all of you fantastic writers work your asses off to post some truly incredible stories. Our Angel Fish Awards are the way for all of us, as a community of writers and readers, to lift each other up and give praise to those who have captured our attention and deserve a few kind words.

The monthly Angel Fish Awards are peer-nominated, meaning ANYONE IN THE POND CAN NOMINATE ANY POND MEMBER’S FIC. While the Pond was founded to support the Guppies, everyone in this community deserves to be showered with love and feedback, and we hope that by opening this up as a Pond wide system, we’ll be able to share the love as far as it can go.

NOTE: WE’VE BEEN HAVING OCCASIONAL PROBLEMS WITH ASKS GOING MISSING. Please use the Submit button when submitting your nominations and make sure you’re signed into Tumblr or your URL won’t show. (If the form asks for your name and email address, then you’re not signed in.) If you like, you can also send a message to Michelle @mrswhozeewhatsis or Mana @manawhaat to check and make sure we got your submission.

Be sure to read through this whole post as people who were nominated more than once only had one tag activated for tumblr tagging purposes!

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, HERE ARE MAY’S ANGEL FISH AWARDS!

Nominated by @focusonspn

A Night on the Town (oneshot) by @supernatural-jackles

I completely love this fic!! Jensen is a total sweetheart, it’s really easy to read and all those words felt like only five minutes. This is everything a Jensen!girl could’ve asked for!!

Hunger (oneshot) by @impala-dreamer

HOLY. MOTHER. OF. HOTNESS. It was a fucking pleasure for my eyes to read every single word of this fic!! hot as hell, dark, Demon!Dean and in character as always.

Nominated by @mrswhozeewhatsis 

Handkerchief (oneshot) by @babypieandwhiskey

I don’t usually read RPF, but this is an AU, so I dove in. Mechanic!Jensen with a magical supply of handkerchiefs, ready and willing to clean up whatever mess I find myself in? SOLD. Sweet, appeals to my love of Jensen’s back-pocket bandannas, and it activates my competence kink! Excuse me while I go wibble in the corner.

Nominated by @supernatural-jackles

Still The One (oneshot) by @luci-in-trenchcoats

I have a lot of respect for the way Michelle writes such difficult topics. She approaches them with such grace and accuracy, that makes it all the more realistic. This series is no exception. I deeply enjoy this series and the way things are playing out between Dean and the reader. It’s an extremely heartbreaking story that most of us don’t really think about until it’s put into this kind of perspective. This one is still ongoing, and I’m extremely excited to see how she handles the rest of the story. I highly recommend checking this one out. Just heed the warnings beforehand.

Nominated by @peridottea91

Healthy Competition (Series) by @kittenofdoomage

This! Omg this series! I love it so much!! It’s slower moving but keeps you itching for the next chapter and is oh so relatable. What woman hasn’t had body image issues? And what plus sized woman hasn’t had to deal with rude jerks and bullying? This fic is actually super realistic and hits all those relatable issues. Can’t wait to read the rest!!

Dangerous Signs (Series) by @kittenofdoomage

Ok, let me start by saying that I am a sucker for a good “character transported to alt. universe/world” fic. That said, I got soooooooooo addicted to this fic! It was so well written and you could just feel the reader’s hesitation and torn emotions. Should she stay? Should go? Ugh! Fantastic!! Also, kudos for the Norse mythology!! *chef’s kiss*

Nominated by @thegirlwhorunswithwinchesters

Cotton Candy (oneshot) by @ellewritesfix05

“It was always nice knowing [...] you could always find ways to bring light into Dean’s life.”

And he damn well deserves it! This was so sweet. No one can resist that “I didn’t do it” smile of his ;)

The Oath (Series) by @thecleverdame 

This series is definitely dark, but it’s so so good. If you’re okay with reading about the heavy subjects covered in these chapters, you won’t regret giving this series a try. I can’t seem to stop diving into all of this author’s content. She’s just too good.

Choices (CYOE) by @talesmaniac89 

I’ve been excited about this impressive project since I first saw the announcement post. Though I’m ashamed to say I haven’t gotten into reading the full thing yet, I plan on making time for reading ALL the different endings. I’m excited to see the different ways in which the story plays out, depending on the brothers’ personalities. For now, I’m recommending this first chapter, the starting point, which was already a beauty of its own. If you haven’t started yet yourself, prepare to be amazed.

Not Safe (Oneshot) by @torn-and-frayed

I love this. Spicy but sweet… Is that a cringy enough way for me to try and put my thoughts into words? I also just really miss Bobby, man.

nominated by @impala-dreamer

Safe Here (series) by @because-imma-lady-assface

This is one of the greatest Dean series. Ashley writes Dean amazingly well, too well sometimes, and this series gives him exactly what he needs; a place to feel safe and find comfort. I love this one so much!

Losing You (series) by @idreamofhazel

This is a superbly done Sam series that has stuck with me for a long time. I literally can’t go into Bed, Bath & Beyond without thinking about the ending <3

nominated by @kittenofdoomage

Blind Luck (oneshot) by @crispychrissy

A great Sam x reader that hits the holy trifecta of smut, fluff, and angst.

 Blood And Water (series) by @crashdevlin

Pretty sure I’ve recc’d this before but it’s such a good series, so twisted and angsty, my dark little heart loves it. Heed the warnings!

Just Sam (oneshot) by @dontshootmespence

This might not be everyone’s cup of tea but for me, it’s perfection, because I am a kinky bitch and any other kinky bitches out there would definitely enjoy this XD

nominated by @deanwanddamons

Private Party With A Rockstar (oneshot) by @mummybear

@mummybear Has been working her butt off this month for her RolePlay May. She wrote this story for me and put me in it (my name is Sian). Rockstar!Jensen is one of my weakness’s, and she knows that, and clearly knows me very well too, as included everything I like 😉

She’s Not You by @winchest09

@winchest09 is one of my fave authors. This is a super cute, super fluffy fic which really cheered me up.

Dangerous Signs (Series) by @kittenofdoomage

I LOVED this series. it was so good and lots of fun with some very sexy going’s on. Rhi’s work is just fantastic 💕

Wedding Bells (oneshot) by @katehuntington

This one shot is super cute and fluffy! I love her writing so much and this is not exception 💕 

Not Much Left (oneshot) by @impala-dreamer

Demon!Dean is another of my weakness’s and fic really hit the spot 🥵🔥

Dear Dean (series) by @smol-and-grumpy

This series made me laugh, made me cry, made me horny and made me gasp. One of the best series I have read 💕

nominated by @emilyshurley

Jensen’s Self Care Routine (oneshot) - @luci-in-trenchcoats

It is just adorable. People taking care of themselves for their loved ones. You can’t get more fluffy.

The Proposal (series) - @katymacsupernatural (Ongoing)

If you love fake dating fics, you’ll definitely love this one. Really like the character of “the reader”.

Private Party with a Rockstar (oneshot) - @mummybear

This one is both hot and adorable at the same time

You shook me (oneshot) @myinconnelly1

It’s Myin writing Demon!Dean what more do you want? No seriously that’s the perfect combination

Dancing the Spiral (oneshot) by @myinconnelly1

One of the only times I genuinely felt like a fic was creepy in a good way. And the passing of the whole thing is great. Am I little biased because its Myin, yes but that doesn’t make the fic any less good. sure it’s on the longer side but definitely worth it.

The only exception (series) - @ne-gans and @negans-lucille-tblr

I have only read the first part so far but I had to mention it. It is a serial killer AU so read the trigger warnings just in case.

Make it Big (series)- @negans-lucille-tblr

Again I’m still catching up It’s one of those fics I thought I won’t like reading but was really glad that I started.

Cast no Shadow (series) @kittenofdoomage

It’s Rhi, I can fangirl a lot about her fics. Really enjoyed (?) (that might not be the right word) the whole fitting a new relationship in existing ones. Felt to real in a weird way. It might seem like I don’t like the fic because of how I’m wording this but that’s really not the case.

Nominated by @deanwinchesterswitch

Sunshine (oneshot) by @talesmaniac89

If you like angst, this is the fic for you. It is utterly captivating and heart wrenching. It’s a cut your heart out with a dull centuries-old wooden spoon style hurt. The use of the song lines in this fic is well thought out and poetic. Make sure to have a box of tissues handy. If you don’t at least tear up while reading this, then you don’t have a heart to cut out, and your soul is already in hell.

Choices (CYOE) by @talesmaniac89

A clever interactive series where you get to choose your favorite Winchester, and the ending of the story. This is so detailed and intriguing. I loved the story I ended up with the first time, and excitedly went back in to pick the other options. Each story was unique and well written. 

Babe I’m Gonna Leave You (oneshot) by @waywardbaby

This one shot is an absolutely stunning piece of smut. The lack of dialogue makes it that much better. All you’re left with is the option to feel the detailed emotions—sexual tension to the max.

No Words (oneshot) by @because-imma-lady-assface​

Beautiful, detailed, and heartbreaking. Dean’s pain and need for comfort are palpable, and I cried while reading it. I can’t find the proper words to describe how this fic made me feel, but man did it ever make me feel.

Sky Full of Stars (oneshot) by @smol-and-grumpy​​

This is the sequel to Something Just Like This and is just as exciting as the first series. A roller coaster of suspense. The characters continue on their journey of love, dealing with the good and bad that comes with every relationship—the perfect combination of angst and fluff with a healthy dose of smut.

Something Just Like This (oneshot) by @smol-and-grumpy

A perfect combination of big badass Dean and soft, fluffy Dean, along with all the incredible smut your little heart could desire. I usually don’t like to read a series until it is complete, because I am impatient and don’t want to wait for the next chapter to post. However, this story was intriguing and sexy, and I couldn’t keep from reading each chapter as soon as it posted and then eagerly anticipating the next.

Nominated by anon

Request 42 (oneshot) by @thegirlwhorunswithwinchesters

This was super-duper cute!! I love frustrated soon to be parents especially when one of those parents is Dean! Great work, well worth the read!

Just A Daydream (onesho) by @maddiepants

This fic is refreshing with its canon-ness! I love Sam's little dream, and you get so wrapped up in it, you forget. Absolutely masterful and HOT AS HELL! Also, Tall People, WTF? 

Thank you all for the awesome work and great feedback!

These are not actual awards! This system is set up so everyone in the pond has a chance to share the love and promote a fic/author that has grabbed your attention. The more people that participate, and the more everyone remembers to submit their own fics after posting, the better this will be :D

THANK YOU ALL AGAIN, KEEP UP THE AMAZING WORK, AND AS ALWAYS, HAPPY WRITING!

[happinessinthedarkest-times]

avengers endgame reaction (spoilers!!!)

**if youre on mobile scroll fast bc idk if the keep reading works

holy shit holy shit fuck fuck fuck

i am an emotional wreak right now

ahhhhh it was so good im crying still

tony fucking stark my heart i guess ill start there 

tony stark i love you three thousand. he got his happy ending with morgan and pepper for 5 years they had 5 years together and he knew that the time heist (lol) would jeopardize that and he still went and helped

that scene where he had it out with steve at the beginning fuck my heart was breaking and i was crying .

i cried a lot in this movie. legit sobbing when nat died but ill get to that

that scene was everything i wanted it to be and perfectly executed. of course hes angry and lashing out because they were supposed to do it together and lose together and the emotion behind that ughh rdj killed it

he literally hands steve his heart the arch reactor

tony and howard ugh everything with them together. tony got closure with his dad 

everything tony was great. 

steve 

he got his happy ending. he got his dance with peggy (now im crying again) fuck. and he PICK UP MJOLNIR omg that scene was amazing and everything i never dreamed could happen when the hammer started moving ughhhh omg i was cheering so loud in the theatre and i dont normally do that. that whole scene ugh theres so much to react to

and he got to say assemble. 

ok now from the beginning. 

i started to cry literally before it even started. the screen was black and i was already tearing up but when clint and his daughter came up and then his family disappeared i was full on crying.

carol coming in clutch and saving tony and nebula yessss

steve and tony’s conversation right when he gets off the ship was everything i wanted it to be. (crying again) everything. 

when they go to thanos’s house thing and thor chops off his arm . its what ive been saying they shouldve done on titan 

and then he went for the head! 

five....... 

years later

fuck them. literally when the ‘five’ came up i was like no no no dont you dare do it dont you dare and then they did it. fuck them

five fucking years?!?! they made them live through 5 years of that trauma?!?!? 

nat was everything in this film. she became the leader and keeping track of everything and her moment of breaking down was just so human. she couldnt move on in those 5 years and it just shows how much the avengers had become her family. 

scott and cassie omg cassie all grown up made me so emotional 

tony and morgan i love you three thousand she is the cutest and sweetest thing 

tony fucking stark figured out time travel. he did that. 

when tony gives steve his shield back my heart could not take it

the scenes where they were trying to pinpoint the exact time to go back and it was like a sleepover sesh and all the domestic avenger fanfics 

going back a little bit

clint killing all the people that should have been killed and deserved to be killed and being a total badass showing up all those people who said he was just really good with an arrow and every scene he has with nat.

‘dont give me hope’

thor. oh where to start. he really did lose everything and he was blaming himself for all that happened so i get where hes coming from. every time you could see him remembering and tormenting himself about what happened broke me. his scene with his mother (crying again)

also hulk/bruce was an interesting choice (not a huge fan of it but ok) 

the time traveling

everything about the new york scenes were amazing. the aftermath of the end of the avengers, loki turning into cap for a second, seeing rumlow and sitwell come out, steve getting into the elevator and channeling that winter soldier energy (i was slapping my sister on the arm so hard at this part) hail hydra and outsmarting them all. cap fighting cap “i can do this all day” lmao i was dying ‘bucky is alive” again dying they really nailed it with this. i was worried beforehand because like it would change how we would see the og avengers but i still think it works

also can talk about how tony (and scott) was checking out steves ass????

“i forgot how that suit did nothing for you ass” (be still my heart) “i like to think of it at america’s ass” (or whatever the line was) 

loki getting away with the tesseract (is that in this timeline im confused about that hopefully someone will explain bc does that mean loki is alive in this timeline or not? lol)

them going back to the 1970s (do you trust me? i do) and tony meeting howard and introducing himself as howard potts. again i know i talked about howard and tony already but i loved their scenes. and JARVIS FROM AGENT CARTER MAKING AN APPEARANCE OMG

PEGGYYYYYYY (crying) when steve walked into her office (grabbed my sister again) and when he was watching her through the window and you could feel his pain. 

thor and rocket are the pairing that i never imagined but amazing none the less. i loved that we got the return of mjolnir here even though idk what that does to the timeline (again who knows at this point) 

rhodey and nebula again another pairing i didnt expect but are great together. everything about nebula in this film. she really has a great arch. i was stressing out so hard when the alternate timeline thanos found out that they came from the past. the scene where peter quill is dancing and singing to no music was great.

clint and natasha. this pairing thie duo the og. fuck my heart. when they started going off to vormir i knew. i knew it and i cannot handle it. the whole scene where they are fighting each other to sacrifice themself i was SOBBING. LEGIT SOBBING. ‘let me go’ i loved this so much and also hated it. she deserved her happy ending too. after everything she gave up everything to save those people. her arch is so good too. im excited for her origin. i kinda want to see her when shes a bad guy and killing everyone and her journey to shield. i hope thats what we’ll see in her movie. 

but also that scene emotionally fucked me up hard. 

the og avengers (minus nat) sitting on the edge of the lake 

thor trying to put on the glove and redeem himself (in his own eyes not my own bc he doesnt deserve the shit he gets for not going for the head)

hulk doing it and the calm before the storm where everything goes back before that missile comes firing down. 

steve tony and thor facing off with thanos. everything about this scene. tony getting a juice-up from thor and lightning to max out his powers. steve jump kicking on thanos’s ass. thanos beating up thor and steve coming in with FUCKING MJOLNIR AGAIN CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH HOW MUCH I WAS CHEERING AT THIS POINT HE IS WORTHY MY BOY STEVE IS WORTHY

also on that note tony coming up to steve and saying “theres my man” or something and giving him back his shield again. 

steve standing there with his broken shield ready to face off with thanos’s army and sam coming in on the comm. and then EVERYONE COMING THRU AND KICKING NAMES AND TAKING ASS

legit cheering and crying so much 

valkyrie with her pegasus

shuri with her blasters 

peter parker and his reunion with tony was heartbreaking. tony looked so broken and complete at the same time. he got him back. 

PEPPER FREAKING POTTS 

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE (YEESSSSSSSS)

peter quill’s semi-reunion with gamora and how she doesnt know him but he gets her back

also gamora, nebula and still-evil!nebula was a great scene. nebula killing her past self is some symbolic shit right there AND to protect her sister who she hated

CAROL FUCKING DANVERS COMING TO SAVE THE DAY AND KICK THANOS’S ASS 

im sad that she wasn’t in the film as much but i get why they did it and it also makes me really excited for her future films

but carol getting the gauntlet and peter saying “i dont know how youre gonna get through that” 

and ALL THE BADASS MCU WOMEN COMING UP BEHIND HER READY TO FIGHT AND REPRESENT FOR THE FEMALES (CRYING) 

this is something that couldn’t of been done a few years ago because there weren’t a lot of female superheroes in this universe and just the fact that this scene can make such an impression and become probably one of the most badass scenes of the mcu is one of the best things that came out of this movie.

side note: ‘activate instant kill’ great callback 

and then we get to the sacrifice.

i knew it. i expected it. i read it in fanfics.

i was still not prepared. 

‘I am inevitable’

‘I AM IRON MAN’

FUCKKKKKKKK they really know how to write these movies. 

he knew he would die. he knew he would never see morgan again. but he knew what he had to do. 

his character arch from a selfish man to a selfless man has been the most profound and powerful story. 

rdj and tony stark have really carried this franchise. they were the start. and it makes sense that his death closes out this era of the mcu. 

to rdj: i will never forgive my mom for telling me that she didn’t like you way back when. that really influenced how i thought about you and about tony stark for years. and i limited me from really appreciating and loving iron man and those movies and tony’s character. but as i continued to watch more of you in the mcu and in real life and have seen how you have grown and who you are today, i have so much love and respect for you and your character. im just so upset at the time i lost where i could have fallen even more in love with you. thank you so much for everything you have done over the last 11 years for this franchise. thank you for the time thank you for the memories and the laughs. the journey has been amazing. 

the funeral scene with ‘proof that tony stark has a heart’ 

(also was the the kid from iron man 3 in the back?)

VALKYRIE BECOMING KING (queen? i say king but who knows) of new asgard. look at my killing baby all grown up and being the leader they need.

thor becoming a guardian basically. 

also was quill looking for his gamora? where was the gamora from this timeline on the ship? she wasn’t there in the scene so idk

also fighting with knives to see whos in charge lol

im glad people mentioned/mourned for nat too 

steve rogers 

steve.

i knew he wasn’t coming back.

bucky knew it too.

im wreaked

but at least he got his happy ending. he got his peggy (again idk what that does to her timeline) 

captain sam wilson america in the house.

(old steve looks like joe biden or is it just me lol)

they ended it with a steggy dance and kiss

it really was a perfect end to his story and it wrapped up his character really well. he got that life he deserved 

to chris evans: as this is probably the last time we will see you as captain america let me thank you too for the years and joy that you have brought to my life. youre it for me. you are the reason i became so invested in this world. when you jumped on the fake grenade i was in it with you. chris you are and will always be the best chris in my heart. your passion for this character and understanding of steve rogers and his motivations have created such a memorable performance. steve rogers will always be the og. he will always have my heart. i am so thankful that you took this opportunity and used it and made this character your own. you live up to the standards that steve holds for himself and i am so excited for your future. i am also so glad that you didn’t die in this movie bc i definitely could not have handled it if i had to watch both my favs die. i love you three thousand.

i literally cried throughout the whole movie. there were laughs, cheers, groans, stress, tears, and love throughout this film. i am so grateful that i am alive during this time in cinematic history. there will never be something as great or momentous as this film. a true culmination of 22 films. its never been done and i doubt itll ever be done again

i am also so impressed and amazed by how well this film turned out. it is just amazing how everything fell into place 

im sure ill read other people’s reactions and they will bring up points or problematic things that will taint my view on this movie but i dont want that to ruin my own experience

and for me, this was truly emotionally draining and fulfilling. the feeling of being in that theatre with all those people who love the characters as much as i do and experiencing this film for the first time is something i will never forget. 

people talk about how they remember lining up for star wars.

well i remember sobbing my eyes out when nat died, cheering along with everyone when cap picked up mjolnir and whipped thanos’s ass with it and when carol and the rest of the badass women of the mcu ready to kick ass, crying with everyone as the light went out in tony’s chest and eyes, watching as history was made in front of our eyes.

and the end credits with the og avengers getting recognition with their photos and autographs. 

i love this franchise and these films and these characters i dont know who i would be without them. 

one last thing

thank you to the og avengers. steve tony thor nat clint bruce. chris robert chris scarlett jeremy mark. you will always have a special place in my heart. you were there at the start. you were the reason this all could happen you were the reason i became so invested in these movies. you brought these characters to life and embodied them. you are all so much like your characters the casting is perfect. thank you for your dedication to your work to you fans and to your characters. it means so much that you all stuck through this together and that you are such great friends in real life and i can only hope that one day i can be so lucky as to meet you all and thank you in person. 

[drunklander]

Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 301

Ermagherd guys. It’s been 84 years but the new season is finally here! And not gonna lie, I was about 50/50 excited and nervous for the new episodes to come out because ugh season two…

But I actually really liked the episode! I felt the things I was supposed to feel! I wanted to punch the people I thought I’d want to punch! I yelled a lot of things at Frank because I still hate him! My desire to smash the patriarchy grew three times! It went by really, really fast! Can they all go by this fast so it’s not like waiting 84 more years for Jamie and Claire to get back together? Cool.

Anywho, ramblings are under the cut. I split them up between Boston and Scotland just to keep it organized but I *loved* the editing of the episode. And the direction. Good job, new director guy!

(omfg i forgot how long i get when i write these things and also how fucking long it takes to like proofread and format once i’m sober...)

Scotland

There are no more bagpipes in the theme music and it’s making me feel things. *shakes fist at Bear in the best way possible*

The shot with all the bodies is powerful and everything but I can’t also help feeling a little salty that season two/DIA exists since lol nothing matters. They’re all dead and they were always going to be dead and I just really didn’t like last season but this is the new season sooo moving on.

The body they zoom over after the piles of bodies is Murtagh, right? Because it looks like Murtagh. And Amazon’s x-ray thing is telling me it’s Murtagh. So Murtagh’s not getting saved? Because when they talk about him later in the episode I got my hopes wayyy up that he was going to come back at some point in the season. So now I guess they’re going to have Jamie maybe remember later on? Like maybe keep the part on the ship after Claire is hurt when he tells her the story about how he dies? Anywho, I’m going to go have feelings about Murtagh now.

This killing of the wounded is the most brutal parallel to Prestonpans, guys. (RIP Lt. Babyface)

Also, Sam Heughan and Tom Hardy should star in a two-man show where Sam acts everything without speaking and Tom does the whole thing with his Bane/Mad Max/Dunkirk masks on so he like only has an eyebrow left visible.

Seriously though. Murder me with feels why don’t you, dying!Jamie.

And it’s not supposed to be a surprise that it’s BJR on top of him, right? Like they didn’t think they were going to make that a reveal or anything did they? Because like who the fuck else would it be...

I’m really glad they edited it this way with it all out of sequence and cutting back and forth and stuff though. Like Prestonpans was straightforward and it was awesome. But man does this just hit me in the “omg they’re all doomed and Jamie’s dying and that’s what he wants so badly so like I want him to get what he wants but he can’t die because #plot” feels. Plus the nod to the book where his memories of the battle are all jumbled.

JFC, BPC. STFU about your birthday cup. What the actual fuck is wrong with you. How are you so bad at this. It’s been more than a year since season two and I still just want to punch your very punchable face.

Ok I know Jamie at the stones is supposed to be all heartbreaking and moving and shit, and it is, I guess, as much as it can be in the 0.5 seconds we see him there. But him smelling Claire’s plaid just reminds me of this post and I lol’ed an inappropriate amount for the moment.

I *really* want to punch BPC’s “oh shit, we’re fucked” face. Like when Jamie tells him to order the charge while there’s still a chance and his face is just like that look of horror over what’s happening like WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU THINK WAS HAPPENING YOU FUCKING IDIOT WITH YOUR FUCKING BIRTHDAY CUP FROM YOUR DAD. LOOK THE FUCK AROUND YOU. THIS ISN’T A FUCKING GAME AND OMFG SOMEONE PLEASE PUNCH HIM.

Also inappropriately chuckling at Jamie murdering a dude with fucking divot, but moving on because…

MURTAGH!!! Omg both of their faces when they see each other and “Where’ve you been, enjoying a wee whisky?” *Murtagh casually kills a dude* “You’re welcome.” I JUST LOVE THE TWO OF THEM SO MUCH. Also, thanks for the heads up that the Lallybroch guys are home safe, Murtagh. Move over, Game of Thrones season seven. Outlander has had teleporting since the beginning.

Outlander: Where Time Travel Is Real, But Travel Time Isn’t

All that training in Je Suis Prest and they end up just charging in. Because lol nothing matters. But I did really like Je Suis Prest so whatever.

I’m not sure I like this weird “magic hour” lighting on the Jamie and BJR fight? Like I get if that’s just when they filmed it that’s one thing, and that their fight is like for *all the closure* so it’s almost separate from the rest of the battle. But I’m not feeling it?

Super glad that we do get that closure of seeing Jamie kill him though, and that Jamie remembers it so he can like process and move on from that part of his life.

Them landing like in a hug and then basically spooning is a bit on the nose though, show. Although like thanks I guess for having him keep Jamie alive and not bleeding out by literally laying on his wound?

Oh the dragonfly in amber. I’m still not a fan of the gifts at the stones thing from last year. But I guess I’m ok with him having something of Claire’s to hold on to so like when vision!Claire appears there’s like something physical tying her to him?

Also, vision!Claire is fucking stunning.

I swear to fuck Jamie thinking he’s seeing Claire in the early episodes is going to murder me.

“I’m not gonna leave ye to die in the mud. Even if ye are a pig-headed loon who canna hold his whisky.” “Drink you under the table.” Literally dying Jamie Fraser defending his alcohol tolerance is my new aesthetic. 

I’m glad they show him dropping the amber because like there goes his last physical memory of Claire. *sobs quietly* But also to show how it eventually ended up in the museum for Claire to see last season. Because I def thought they weren’t going to bring that back again and her seeing it last season was just a weird bit of haha look how this is here now for Claire to see! Feel things, monkey, feel the feelings! (That said, I don’t know if I like it enough to merit the time spent on it at the stones last year…)

Ok so I’m starting to think that Murtagh is really dead and that really was him that we saw on the ground at the beginning and they’re just bringing him up again to established that no one knows what happens to him so they can go back later in the season and have Jamie remember him dying and then I’ll have all the Murtagh feelings.

(Seriously though, please fucking save Murtagh!)

I really, *really* love Rupert in the scenes in the house. I love that they let him step up and, with Jamie out of commission, really become the leader of these men. His “No, my lord. Traitors all. Shall we be hanged then.” has just that right amount of fuck you in it, but his “Thank you, my lord.” is definitely genuine. Like yeah, he’s going to die, but at least it’s an honorable man who’s going to kill him in an honorable way?

Seriously though, I love Hal.

Ugh, Jamie saying “she’s gone.” That’s going to be a thing isn’t it. Like with Jenny and then with LJG. And it’s going to murder me every time isn’t it. Ok.

The goodbye with Rupert is my everything. The humor and feelings and Angus and omg. I have feelings.

And the way Rupert’s voice changes when he says “aye.” And when he says his name. Guys why is my face wet.

“No man in the king’s custody will be shot lying down on my watch.” I fucking love you, Hal.

Gah, the way Jamie’s voice changes and becomes stronger when he says his name, like Rupert’s did. It’s like it’s their chance to go out with all of their dignity. But then Jamie’s fades because he’s so weak. *sobs*

“Does the name John Grey mean anything to you?” “Well no, because even though he gave your father’s name and title plus his birth order last year, so he clearly wasn’t trying to hide his identity or anything, the writers decided to keep him in the script as William Grey. There really was no reason to do that. They could have just made him John Grey from the start. But they didn’t. For reasons I will never understand. So no, the name John Grey means nothing to me. Good day, sir. I said good day.”

Gah like Jamie is so sad that I really want to shoot him and put him out of his misery but I also want ep. 306 so thanks for being noble af, Hal.

I am def going to start using “This is a deuce of a situation.” in my everyday life.

Oh hey, Jenny and Ian. See you next week!

Boston

Ok but that first shot of Claire. Like that resigned look that this is her life now and she’s trying to convince herself that she’s ok with it. And the little sigh like “ok I can do this” but like more that she thinks she *needs* to do this. Break my heart a little right there, Claire. Also, please leave Frank so you can take the time you need to heal and grieve and process instead of keeping it all bottled up inside to live up to some “conditions” because that’s really not healthy.

“Are you sure we can afford all this?” “Oh totally, you see we need to have enough room to like fit the camera operators in and the sound guys and the rest of the crew and some lighting stuff and also it looks way better on TV if we have space to move around so we can definitely afford this wicked spacious house. Gotta save the cramped conditions for prisons and ships and stuff. Don’t worry about the rent, dear.”

No shade at all meant on the set. I’m just silly.

“You’ve always said you wanted a real home.” “It certainly is real.” BUT IT'S NOT HOME BECAUSE JAMIE IS HER HOME AND JAMIE ISN'T HERE. *has feelings*

“The study can be wherever the lady of the house desires.” … “The kitchen, where presumably, the lady of the house will be rustling up various appetizing dishes.” Yes, Claire, you’re the lady of the house! You can totally decide where my study is going to be! But lol your place is in the kitchen because you’re a woman and that’s what women do! Fuck you, Frank.

I almost like the handful of scenes where Claire and Frank are getting along on the surface because it’s almost like a window into what their life was like pre-War. And in each instance, I cannot see Claire being happy in that sort of relationship long term even if she hadn’t gone through the stones. Like your cowboy impression is cute, Frank, but your tendency to treat your wife like an accessory instead of a person is not.

That said, WHO THE FUCK CARES BECAUSE IT’S NOT FRANK’S STORY AND WE DON’T NEED TO SEE WHO THEY WERE BEFORE BECAUSE IT’S NOT A STORY ABOUT FRANK AND CLAIRE.

Ok so seeing Claire struggling to light the stove gave me the same feelings the gif did. But seeing her sit on the couch and then see the fireplace I was just like OMG DO IT! DO IT DO IT DO IT! AND SHE FUCKING DID IT! @abreathofsnowandashes’ POST IS BASICALLY CANON AND I LITERALOL’ED WAY TOO HARD.

Claire waxing poetic about food cooked over an open fire is making me feel more feelings than it should.

But seriously her face in reaction to Betty Draper over here is awesome. I need Claire to start a neighborhood group where she turns all the women into massive feminists please and thank you.

“He likes surprises, does he?” “Oh yeah, totally. Last time I surprised him, he almost punched me and then destroyed a shed. So yeah, I’d say he loves them."

Please don’t give Jerry a heart attack, Millie. Claire already had one husband-murdering friend and I think that’s quite enough for one person. Thanks. You’re a peach.

Oh Claire. Oh honey. “Frank is very progressive. Very open-minded.” The look on her face when she says that like she’s trying to convince herself it’s true. Like yes, if you follow all of his conditions, you can stay together and raise the baby. But is it really being open-minded if literally all of his conditions are about you keeping everything locked away so he can go on pretending like everything is back to normal? Or is that just selfish. I’m voting selfish on that one.

“Just cook, clean, raise the kids, look pretty when they meet the boss.” Millie you are literally describing Frank’s ideal wife right now. And I think Claire on some level knows that. RUN AWAY CLAIRE, RUN AWAY! IT’S NOT TOO LATE! THESE ARE ALL THINGS THAT ARE NOT TIME-TRAVEL RELATED! PLEASE WAKE UP AND REALIZE THAT NOT ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS ARE BECAUSE YOU WENT BACK IN TIME!

Oh her face when Millie says she won’t find another man like Frank. SHE FOUND ONE SO MUCH BETTER AND HE’S NOT DEAD AND SHE’LL GET HIM BACK AND EVERYTHING WILL BE OK AGAIN!

Seriously though. The shots of Claire’s face when they switch back to the Boston side of things. Punch me right in the face with feels why don’t you, show. Like when she’s getting ready to go to Frank’s work thing. That cut from Jamie’s face that’s all full of pain to her face that’s also all full of pain. *sobs quietly* Like this woman is hurting! FFS! Look at everything she went through! Look at everything she lost! And she has no outlet for any of those emotions! And that look of just pain and loneliness and then resignation when Frank calls up to her and quoting Millie… I want to give her a hug and a therapist.

Ok so the scene at Harvard. Thank fuck Frank manages to not be a piece of shit in this scene because I need all my rage for the fucking Dean. I still hate you Frank, but you get a momentary reprieve here. Because this fucking dude needs to be punched in his smug-ass face. Like you’re seriously going to shit on a woman for reading the fucking newspaper?! First of all, don’t fucking ever shit on a woman for reading any-fucking-thing and second of all, your patriarchal bullshit runs so deep you can’t stand a woman reading the most popular newspaper in Boston?! It’s not like she rolled in and was like well I was reading the Atlantic (founded in Boston, what whatttt!) or the Economist or something that your fucking misogynist brain wouldn’t be able to handle. She was literally talking about reading a fucking #HotTake in the fucking local paper.

THAT’S RIGHT CLAIRE, YOU CAN GO TO MED SCHOOL! YOU SHOULD GO TO MED SCHOOL! DO THAT THING AND THEN SURGICALLY DISASSEMBLE THE PATRIARCHY!

Good boy, Frank. Way to stand up for your wife and not suck for once. But remember that little fun fact you just spouted about your wife because that’ll come up again later when I need to yell at you for being a piece of shit.

Omg though. Claire’s face when she says “yes, I’m very happy” is the best “you can go fuck yourself straight to hell” face I’ve ever seen. And grabbing Frank’s hand when she says it is clearly part of that and not like an actual, genuine taking of his hand and he knows that. And I don’t feel bad for him at all in that moment because yeah, he fucking needs that reminder that she’s sitting through this because of him so a tangential fuck you to you, Frank, for bringing me here for this wonderful experience.

"Are you alright? You're very quiet.” “Oh yeah, peachy keen. Just got condescended to for reading a newspaper, was told women were bad at the profession I was born to do and had to pretend to be totally ok with this being my life now. Totally fine.”

For serious, Claire. Your face there. Those feelings you’re feeling. These are not time travel adventure related feelings. These are this life sucks and I hate it feelings. You don’t need to stay here. This is getting super tedious. Frank sucks. Your life with him sucks. You have all this emotional baggage that you have every right to have and no outlet for it. Jamie wouldn’t want you staying in a fucking life that is making you this miserable. The baby hasn’t been born yet, there is still time to bounce before it gets even messier. Argh. Thank fuck there are only two more episodes of this stuff because there are only so many times I can yell JUST GET A FUCKING DIVORCE at the tv.

I felt more feelings than I should have felt at Claire looking at the bird. Like omg Claire’s face as she’s looking at it. Just out there. Being a bird. Doing its bird thing. Being free. YOU COULD BE FREE TOO CLAIRE! GO! BE FREEEEE!

Ok with this tea scene I literally had to google how British people make tea. Like I know I’ve talked about it with people before, like recently, but somehow in my head it wasn’t just like loose in a tin. I can’t even do a proper snarky hashtag about preferring the American way tea is packaged because that would make it seem like I was into a weird sex thing so I guess I’ll just have to blaspheme by saying I like Lipton’s and I’m not sorry.

So Claire likes America because "It's young, it's eager, it's constantly looking toward the future." Or, you could say it's...young, scrappy and hungry! Claire would totally be Hamiltrash. Frank wouldn't be. Fuck you, Frank, it’s a great show. Loosen up, geez.

Ok Frank, why did you go to touch her belly. You clearly know that she doesn’t like that. But you saw an opening when she said it’s “our baby” and you went for it. Like I know you really, really want things to be normal, but fucking don’t proactively touch Claire like that when you know it’s not welcome.

Also, seriously Frank? Have you met Claire? Yes, she’s English. But she grew up fucking all over the world. I don’t think she’s particularly sentimentally attached to the fucking Battle of Hastings. She’s trying to have a conversation with you. She’s opening up. She’s trying to be “normal” with you and share something she’s excited about doing. And your first thing is to question her? Fuck you. You’re a shitty person.

“These are things I fought a war for.” Ok Franky boy. Remember that scene a little bit ago when I said you got a reprieve from my hatred? You know, the one where you found like the singular decent bone in your body and decided to defend Claire for a second? Remember what it was you said? Oh right. SHE WAS A FUCKING COMBAT NURSE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. SHE WAS ALSO IN THE WAR. SHE WAS ON THE FUCKING FRONT FUCKING LINES OF THE MOTHERFUCKING WAR. And then guess what?! SHE FUCKING THEN FOUGHT IN ANOTHER WAR! THIS TIME AGAINST THE ENGLISH! AND EVERYONE SHE LOVED DIED! (except not really, hang in there girl) IT’S TOTALLY NORMAL THAT SHE WOULD HAVE CONFLICTED FEELINGS ABOUT ENGLAND AND BE LIKE HEY THIS UNITED STATES PLACE SEEMS OK (*pours one out for the current state of affairs*) I WANT TO MAYBE BE A CITIZEN.

And then this fucker’s like oh it’s something you really want to do? Well you don’t have to because I’ve got it covered. THAT IS NOT THE FUCKING POINT, FRANK! STOP MAKING THIS ABOUT YOU! SHE’S LITERALLY SAYING THAT THIS IS SOMETHING *SHE* WANTS TO DO. WHY ARE YOU SUCH A TWATWAFFLE.

And then he brings in the not letting him touch her shit. Like why couldn’t you have just let this be a fucking normal conversation, Frank. But since you brought it up. Let’s talk about Claire for a minute. Claire is pregnant. Claire was pregnant before. Claire lost her first child. Claire’s current pregnancy is going to result in Jamie’s child. Her fucking last chance to have a part of him in her life. So of course that’s something that’s fucking super emotional and that she’s super protective of. Because she also knows that she can’t fucking tell this child anything about Jamie. Because of your fucking conditions. Like I don’t think you can comprehend how much of a mindfuck that must be, Frank. So maybe don’t fucking touch her stomach if she’s made it clear she doesn’t want you to.

And then! With the fucking unwanted touching. Do you fucking know how many times this woman has been assaulted, Frank?! Hell, the show is not at all explicit that she wasn’t actually raped in the glade in ep. 108. And the deal with the king. And BJR. And the dudes at Leoch. And fucking Dougal. And the gang of dudes in Paris. And ones I’m probably forgetting about. So like if there was ever going to be anyone who might be wicked sensitive about unwanted touching, it’s fucking Claire. BUT GUESS WHAT! AND THIS IS THE KICKER, FRANK! THAT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER BECAUSE IF SOMEONE SAYS THEY DON’T WANT YOU TOUCHING THEM THEN YOU DON’T FUCKING TOUCH THEM IT IS LITERALLY THAT SIMPLE.

And of course she’s retreating into her shell, you fucking asshole. The amount of trauma this woman has gone through with no fucking outlet to deal with it. Of course she’s fucking isolating herself. But instead of being concerned about her and trying to help her, you’re just like omfg but what about meeeee?! Why can’t you just be “normal” for meeee?!

“What is it that you want from me?” “I want to know when you’re going to come back from the fucking past.” Fuuuuuck you, Frank. Because you’re asking when she���s going to go back to being how she was before. Well newsflash, Frank. She’s not. You’re never going to get your pre-War relationship back where Claire was 19 and thought you were the swellest guy. Because that’s what you want here. Stop fucking deluding yourself Frank, there aren’t enough conditions in the world to bring that girl back. So now you have this woman. Who is tearing herself apart from the inside trying to fucking live up to her side of your bullshit bargain. And at every turn you’re like nope, not good enough.

FUCKING PREACH IT. CLAIRE. PREACH.

I fucking love that she throws the ashtray at him because he again reduces what she had with Jamie to fucking. He’s been doing it since last season. He just can’t get his shitty-ass head around the fact that Claire loves Jamie with everything she has. It’s a great parallel to when Claire loses it at Bree in ep. 213 when Bree also says that Claire was just fucking another guy because she was a bored housewife. I fucking love how protective she is of what she has with Jamie.

Seriously though, fuck you Frank. You’re asking her to be something she's not and then blaming her for not doing it well enough. Yes, she should have left you, but you’re also an asshole.

And yeah, Frank didn’t like hogtie her and force her to come to Boston. But Jamie sent her to Frank so she went, all shattered and hollow, to Frank. And Frank was like oh cool, I can get my wife back like nothing ever happened and so yeah, clearly staying together is a great idea. You know, on my terms. Which you’ll agree to because you’re all like shattered and hollow. But Claire, you’re now far enough removed that you SHOULD JUST FUCKING LEAVE BECAUSE THIS IS CLEARLY NOT WORKING AND JAMIE WOULDN’T WANT YOU TO BE THIS FUCKING UNHAPPY. AND GUESS WHAT HE IS ALSO NOT HERE ANYMORE SO YOU TRIED BUT IT’S NOT WORKING AND UGH JUST GET A FUCKING DIVORCE ALREADY.

Gah, we have two more episodes before my best friend in the world, Ms. Ice E. Road, shows up and rids me of my Frank-rage once and for all.

Please for the love of fuck make it once and for all because omfg it’s not Frank’s story and it’s never been Frank’s story so can Frank please just die and stay dead. KThxBai.

*sacrifices a goat that Tobias gets a kickass leading role in something that keeps him unavailable for the foreseeable future*

Why is Frank’s face just giant on the screen. Like why is it still there. It’s still there guys. I’m not even typing that fast and it’s still there. Make it go away.

Ok I’m calling bullshit here. There is no way in fuck that house doesn’t have a second bedroom. Like if you aren’t sleeping in Claire’s bed, go to the fucking guest room. You get no pity from me for all the noise that comes with sleeping on the couch.

Ok like we knew they were keeping in Frank’s request to the reverend to research Jamie because Roger and Bree find it in ep. 213 and that’s how they know he’s alive. But in all my feelings about ep. 213, I forgot that it meant that I still get to hate Frank for doing it. But luckily there’s a scene in this episode where he starts writing the original letter! So fuck you, Frank, for being so shitty to Claire about not talking about her time in the past, but you’ll write to your buddy to research it!

Although I definitely don’t like that it’s the reverend’s research that let’s them know Jamie survived. Because that means Frank is kind of responsible for it. But at least they nixed the stupid placing a fake headstone bullshit. Still no brownie points for you, Frank.

I’m glad that Frank finds out about the miscarriage but doesn’t get details about Faith. Like oh hey, here’s another detail about how my life with Jamie was real and loving and yeah, we lost a child together and it was traumatic af so just get that through your head. But also it’s such a personal thing between her and Jamie that I really don’t want Frank to get all the details.

“I’m sorry I didn't tell you about the miscarriage.” “None of that matters now.” Frank you could have picked literally any other set of words. Any other words to get your point across besides “it doesn't matter.” Because I know you're talking about Claire not telling you and not the miscarriage itself, but she's talking about her first daughter. Who matters a great deal.

I HATE THIS DOCTOR WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE THEY ALLOWED TO DO THAT IS THAT EVEN LEGAL DO I NEED TO GO DOWN A RABBITHOLE AND FIND THIS OUT WHERE IS THE CALL THE MIDWIFE CREW WHEN YOU NEED THEM SORRY FOR JOKING WHEN WHAT THE DOCTOR DID TO CLAIRE IS 1000% UNACCEPTABLE.

Omfg I cannot even imagine waking up and not knowing where your baby is or if they’re alive or dead. I definitely can’t imagine going through that twice. Like omfg when you put it next to Faith, it’s just like *ugly cries*.

“I’ve been so horrible to you.” But have you, Claire? Because I’m pretty sure you’ve been doing the best you can. And Frank’s been making you feel like you’ve been horrible. Because he’s a shitty, shitty person. But seriously. You should have left him. But it’s kind of too late now because apparently you both seem to think Bree will somehow make everything better. Right. Definitely. That’s totally going to be what happens.

*only two more episodes of this, only two more episodes of this*

“Where’d she get the red hair?” Bless you, rando nurse. Blesss.

[xottzot]

2018-04(APR)-15th--Sunday night (in darkness) at this hellhole area--false calm and quiet and roaming feral cats loose everywhere.

2018-04(APR)-15th--Sunday night (in darkness) at this hellhole area--false calm and quiet and roaming feral cats loose everywhere.

Damned feral cats have been roaming all about and shitting all over the place and upsetting poor Sam & poor Max.

And I was asleep, a terrible fitful sleep today.

It's 9pm and HOT inside this hovel as I begin to write this. And too-warm outside in the yards backyard and frontyard.

I had a short sleep and I dreamed my poor dear mother was alive and had she arrived home here from ?

She and I were talking in the living room about how bad it is here with criminals and she quietly said, "I'm sorry about everything. I never meant for any of this to happen to you. All this was supposed to be a new beginning......" (that was a phrase of hers I know so very well from so many countless times I had heard dear Mum saying it to me over the years as I was growing up.)

And ALL THAT is actually true. It actually DID happen in real life in the past when dear Mum was alive. It was one of the many things and events I was going to tell dear Fliss about and Fliss DID want to hear, and needed to hear for her own life too as troubled as it was even before I ever met dear Fliss.

There was no coincidences or anything silly like that I wanted to talk to dear Fliss about, but there was many things, good things, terrible things, mundane things, truly awful things you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy, MANY things dear Fliss needed to hear of from me a person she trusted and loved that would give meanng and balance and reason in her troubled life as much as anything can explain what happens in anyone's lives that are out of their control and happen for no reason of their own. Fliss KNEW I only ever wanted good for her, (I love dear Fliss with all my heart and soul), good for us as a couple and good for anyone else...not that 'anyone else' should be taken as leftovers or insignificant, please don't ever wrongly assume that either. I'm someone who believes (or believed) in the inherent good of everyone and, in my dear Mum's own words, "Everyone deserves a second or third or fourth chance or more even when they maybe might not think they want it. It's not our place to judge harshly."

I could never figure what dear Mum meant by all that until later in life with others. The ones who DO matter and DO need it.

The part of, 'It's not our place to judge harshly.', was my dear Mum trying to tell me that despite her apparent putting aside of all religion, she still believed that we are all put her for a reason (another common phrase of hers I well remember), and that despite religion and all the hokum stuff which she laughed at, there was still a lot that was inherent to follow in life and everything and of being decent and kind and thoughtful and gentle. All that she instilled upon me though 'instilled' is too harsh a term. Perhaps you should accept it as 'gently taught' with friendliness and care and love.

Dearest Mum. How I miss her so. - Sorry, I'm now crying.

Dearest Fliss always said to me that she, (in Fliss's very own words), "I would have loved to have met your Mum. She sounded like a really good woman."

My dear mother very sadly died a few years before dear Fliss and I ever knew each other then met. Fliss knew all of this. I told her. And Fliss I think knew how much I loved my dear Mum and how much I cared for her. She later learned that I cared for my dear mother in the very last stages of her life too when all others just wanted and expected me to 'put her in a home', a euphemism for just throwing aside and casting aside and forgetting about your very own mother or father and putting them away for soembody else to deal with whilst you supposedly totally forgot about them and just frolic about and have too-much fun in your own life and make lots of money but be always paying 'somebody else', a company or a place to take care of your loving parents as if they were worn-out old shoes or something worthless.

Myself having no other living relatives (other than my crazed angry brother), other than my dear Mother made my growing up difficult and painful and in poverty not at all easy and nothing I would wish upon anyone. My brother just igniores it all and says it was all just part of growing up, but he's like that, he disparages EVERYTHING he doesn't want to think about or talk about at all and hopes he won't get pressured to talk about anything about anything of it all. - And THAT'S how he goes on in life, much moreso in the past 20 years or so.

He absolutely REFUSES to talk to me or anyone in these regards or on ANY topic he doesn't feel he can control to his complete self-satisfaction to his own self-standards whatever they may be that he keeps secret unto himself but which are shaped by his own self-standards which for the most part are ludicrous and learnt from secret self-preservation and god knows what else.

Becaue we have been so very poor all our lives, he also is VERY selfish. He tries not to be 'shown up' to be so, but that is the case. He is extremely posesssive and takes things to extreme levels that seem 'normal' to him.

For instance, he keeps and hides all his kitchen pots and pans and cooking implements and even some of his food and ingredients....in his bedroom....and only brings them out when he does cooking for himself. HE NEVER COOKS FOR ANYONE BUT HIMSELF.

It contributes to mice and rats and cockroaches which he just always blames on, '....this place is old, it's always full of those things. DON'T BLAME ME FOR ANYTHING!'

That's one of his mantras.....to NEVER EVER BE BLAMED FOR ANYTHING HE DOES...NOT EVER. AND NEVER SHOULD ANYTHING BE MENTIONED OR TALKED ABOUT WITH OTHERS, NOT EVER.

He was never alwasy like this. There are reasons for all this. I should not disclose them to the world. But dear Fliss herself knows of them. Can you see how Robert actually WANTS dear Fliss never to reunite with me no matter what terrible damage it does to anyone?

I can rememeber Robert in years past actually him HATING anyone who was 'smarter' than himself, (and that's just about everyone including me). He sees it as somebody else being 'better' than him, havng more 'money' than him (even though I'm so very poor and almost penniless...STILL), and I can even remember him saying, though he will deny it of course, Robert saying of dear Fliss more than once when dear Fliss was trying to do somethig good...."That's just HER again trying to act like she's smarter than me."

It's a phrase he has used so constantly it's almost like he has had it all his life but he hasn't. I know that.

Robert was never like this all his life. Everything in him got worse AFTER he was actively used by the evil bitch Jane to get back at dear Fliss after dear Fliss and I broke-off everything to do with Jane after I saw how bad Jane was exploiting and manipulating dear Fliss and harming her and greatly harming any and everything dear Fliss was involved with. It was how Jane lived her own life. A life that self-destructed her own family. And which dear Fliss somehow made Fliss blame herself when that was NEVER the case. A fact I made very clear to dear Fliss at the time and afterwards. -- Alwasy dear Fliss would cry literally in my arms) to me, "But it's ALL MY FAULT for introducing Jane to your brother. I KNEW what a bitch she was but I still did it!", to which I always truthfully replied to dear Fliss, "It's NOT your fault Fliss. It's that bitch Jane's fault. She's the one to blame for everything. She was using you too. That's why I kept saying for you to have nothing to do with that woman Jane. Her own family ripped apart because of her, her kids taken away from her by her parents, she's losing her house. You saved dear Vespa (a VERY dear very gentle big female German Shepherd dog Fliss bought for a huge secret-from-me cost in money and MORE from Jane), a dog which dear Fliss and I loved so very much and then Vespa was our own family of dear Fliss and I almost and Fliss herself considered Vespa, like an adopted-child saved from an abusive family and very abusive and violent mother. - YES REALLY, and that is also very much true in exactly what I have stated in those words, mentally and also physically. Poor dear Vespa was an abused dog. - Dear Fliss always said to me and to others that "Vespa is my rescued dog." -- Those were Fliss's exact words and the term she used because it was the truth.

Fliss loved Vespa with all her heart as did I. As did Matey our own dog. He loved dear Vespa with all his heart abd soul too. She towered over his physical size but Vespa allowed Matey to do anything because she loved him. She was an extremly gentle dog. Vespa would sometimes get her ears chwed and damaged from puppies that Jane would bring aorund here trying to get Fliss to once-again-for-the-billionth-time-again get Fliss to be her slave AGAIN. - This went on for YEARS.

It was greatly part of why Fliss had her first mental breakdown. A breakdown that nobody ELSE can figure out why or how it happened to dear Fliss. I was NEVER EVER TO BLAME.

But even what I've written still does not encompass all the hell that went on. I have written in the past some of it. BUt it it is SO terrible and heartbreaking that it is damaging to me. But Fliss herself DOES KNOW or perhaps she has forced herself to forget it all to save her own peace-of-mind and soul.

That's something ELSE I was always trying for Fliss not to do.....of her 'forgetting' things that Fliss herself decides MUST be forgotten and NEVER EVER be remembered. - It's a secret self-defense mechanism by Fliss arising from her terrible past to her before I ever knew dear Fliss or ever met her.

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And before I forget......THE FERAL CATS LOOSE ABOUT EVERYWHERE HERE........

Because certain people have moved out, they also have abandoned the feral cats they fostered and fed. They most probably NEVER took the cats with them of course, so they just LEFT THEM.

After all, they weren't their's to being with, they were only like living 'toys' to play with and crap. Living creatures used as toys and bullshit status symbols.

The people have gone but those feral cats have once again been let loose once again and roaming about. Roaming about, shitting everywhere, pissing everywhere, upsetting proper registered good dogs everywhere, and stealing any and all dog food they can and fouling everything up. THAT is why Swan Shire Council in the past has had to deal with them but never got anywhere. The problems just keep reappearing and are never ever 'solved'. -- THAT is another aspect of this hellhole area.

I love cats. I really do. I love almost all animals and creatures. -- Even the wild Australian goanna that I found in my front yard one morning which scared me half-to-death because I almost accidently stepped on the poor guy and I thought it was a big snake. I don't know WHAT happend to that poor guy. He seemed to then have vanished. I hope he wasn't killed. -- But my hopes carry little weight with destiny it seems anymore.

The neighbours who moved away 'might' have taken some of the cats, but I doubt it. They were not that sort of people.

But those feral cats cats invade peoples yards whether they have fences or not, and upset people's dogs, and foul everyone's yards by pissing and shitting everywhere and vomiting and killing birdlife and leaving dead creature bodies any and everywhere too. As well as the cats themselves being victims and their own dead bodies being about. -- Sorry, it's too terrible for me to write about let alone think about.

I KNOW how bad feral cats can be. (By 'feral' I mean uncared for cats, not silly wild tiger sized-cats or anything roaming the suburbs.) - My dear mother had MANY much loved and cherished cats and rescued cats as did our tiny family all the time we have lived here since 1967?. (they have all sadly died for your information) - We ALWAYS kept them responsibly and responsibly confined and made sure they were safe and well and harmed no others. My dearest mother was so very much a great part of all that. And which I was too in our tiny family but never as much as my dear mother. She utterly love each and every one of them and they loved her.

Did those moved-out neighbours simply recently abandon their own part-adopted feral cats? - Or did they just 'dump them'. THAT is the usual hell the poor creatures suffer about this hellhole area now. Cats left to suffer by themselves and die (on roads and elsewhere) unseen by the ones who dumped them to die whilst they go off and have fun and live elsewehere and totally forget about lives they had once been so much a part of.

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It's COLD now inside this hovel. There is NO RAIN here at all yet. But I am getting quite very cold. This hot house heat has now all but gone for today. Time for another 'last chance' for outside ablutions for poor dear Sam & poor Max. If there's any feral cats outside fouling the yard then it will be upsetting as always for all concerned. I do NOT want that of course. I NEVER EVER have let dear Sam & dear Max chase cats or anything like that and neither has dear Fliss.

It's getting COLD now inside this hovel. Time to 'exteriorise' poor Sam and poor Max outside and go with them for their safety. It's almost Midnight now.

Nothing for me but despair and pain and death. And I have all of those already and experienced the deaths too much of.

To dear Cath in Queensland Australia, cherish what you have and who you love and your own family. IF you become poor, then EVERYTHING becomes so much harder believe me, but never lose sight of who YOU really are and your hopes and dreams and talents and imagination. - And all of that and MORE plus my deepest love and longing to be with goes for dear Fliss as well as always.

I love you dearest Fliss and want to be with YOU, just as you promised me and yourself.

Flowers may briefly bloom but they are not for my eyes though I truly appreciate their beauty and scents and for others.

DAMN! - Now I'm having trouble getting on the internet! - I just wanted to post this entry and go to bed to sleep even more sleep because I never ever get enough sleep NOT because of my fault either....