#there’s gonna be some financial instability in my life soon

[milolunde]

Might have to be “ready to take commissions” and “comfortable with my art” faster than I wanted to be ell em aye oh

[prcserpina]

Seeing your blog and seeing you talk about your life makes me feel like crap. I feel like you have everything I don't, and will never have :(

that makes me really fucking sad. can i ask you to bear this in mind when you see smth that does make you feel bad? this blog is just the side of myself that i choose to present online. i get to pick and choose and edit the best bits & talk about them because those are the bits i feel like talking about & wanna remember in the future. i talk about my issues with mental health a lot but i don’t talk about how i wake up every morning with anxiety that makes me feel like i’m gonna throw up, or how i’m exhausted all the bloody time because i’m not the most well person, or about arguments i have w my boyfriend and every time i almost broke up with him, or the financial instability in my family at the moment, or how every day at home is either my parents arguing with each other or with me, or how i almost dropped out of uni because i thought i was too stupid for the course i chose, or how a good portion of my first year was spent feeling like everyone i knew n loved back home had moved on from me and left me behind. i talk abt how i’m in love and my parents and boyfriend love me and about the new friends i’ve tried to make this year and how i’m trying to work towards a rly bright future. that’s not to say that there aren’t wonderful aspects to my life, but i don’t want you think that it’s all perfect because that’s not fair on yourself. there’s a mishmash of good n bad everywhere. i don’t know anything about your life, but i hope you manage to find some light in it soon. x

[utopianparadoxist]

Here’s a post on Joey’s Hero Title--The MAID of LIGHT!--and how understanding it strengthens our reading of Joey’s struggles with neglect and loneliness, her STRIFES, her skills and abilities, and more! We even look at some interesting foreshadowing for where her arc may be going in the next Acts!

(Credit to @thricequeen and @dahniwitchoflight for providing key details that feed into my own speculation, btw! Thanks a ton, peeps)

Classpecting has so far been a hugely underappreciated part of Hiveswap’s narrative, and I’d like to change that. This post is also a focused introduction on Classpects in general, and should ideally be perfectly easy to follow if you’re a new Hiveswap fan with no exposure to the system from Homestuck! 

I do have to warn, however, that there will be Homestuck Spoilers in this essay. So heads up about that! Now, on to some bad news. I have similar Classpect essays brainstormed for Xefros Tritoh and Jude Harley. But alas, it may be a while before I can write those. 

As excited as I am to post this, it comes with an announcement I wish I wasn’t making. If you enjoy this essay and want to know more about future content from me, please read on.

So. Shit kind of hit the fan for me recently, and I may be going on hiatus from this analysis/Youtube venture soon. To give you an idea of what my life is like at the moment:

I’ve been massively struggling with unmedicated anxiety and ADHD (at least) since Trumps’ election. I’ve been bouncing from job to job, doing well enough but never QUITE well enough to be actually stable. 

I’m currently employed as a contractor for a really promising position…! That I keep waiting to get assignments on. It’s been weeks, and it hasn’t happened yet. And I can’t afford to wait like this. 

I live in a one bedroom apartment with three other people. My wonderful, amazing, caring and supportive best friend--who’s essentially been funding my wild venture at doing this patreon thing from the beginning--has been withering under the toxic enviroment in his workplace. He’s developed chronic back pain that’s quickly becoming a serious concern to us. 

Also, I’m several thousand dollars in credit card debt due to heavy expenses while I helped said best friend escape his abusive home life. So is he.

On top of that, my family may now be looking at like two months without electricity due to Puerto Rico being pounded by hurricanes. And for the last year or so, I’ve been unable to help with...anything. Worse, I can barely help myself and have occasionally turned into a drain on the resources of the people I care about.

The only reason I’ve thought of this Patreon venture as worthwhile up until now is because of the moments I WAS able to make a difference here, in this community--whenever I make someone feel better about Homestuck, or help people make new connections they find exciting. 

Starting this Patreon venture has been the best decision I’ve ever made because of that feeling. It’s been worth everything. I’ve made wonderful friends, and It gives my life meaning. I love it. It has also, financially, been the worst decision I’ve ever made--at least for the time being.

Thinking out and writing these posts has involved intense mental effort that pretty much takes over my life until I’m done doing it, and that combined with my mental issues and financial instability has made it impossible to build any coherent structure to either my work or my life.

Yet still, I want so badly to keep doing it.

The hell of it is, I know I’m right about Homestuck. Both in that I make as close to accurate statements about it as we’ve seen as a community thus far (I’m sure I don’t have everything right, but I’m working on it) and in that I am fundamentally correct to believe in it. 

Homestuck, and the broader universe it is building are the kinds of stories that can make the world a better place. I want to help make that possible, and that will never change.

But for the time being, I have to focus on taking care of me and mine and getting my life in order. So I am posting this as my final gambit.

I’m not asking for handouts. But feel free to read this essay--or watch the video version I’ll be putting out before I temporarily close up shop. You can also check out my Patreon, which I’ve now updated with nearly all of my written work as well as with links to my videos.

I am confident in pretty much everything posted there, and I think odds are good any particular link will lead you to make connections about Homestuck you hadn’t before. Real cool ones, too! If you find that useful to you, and you like reading and engaging with this content, then please consider throwing me a buck on Patreon. 

At the time of writing, I have about 1,100 followers on Tumblr. If I was up to about 1,000 on Patreon, I’d at least be able to take care of myself without burdening the people I love further and focus on this work in a healthy way.  More than that and my life could start getting better, meaning my work would become better as well.

So for you guys, that means about half of my follower base choosing to give me a dollar a month would be plenty. Or a quarter choosing to give me two. I don’t really think it’s insurmountable, which is why I’m posting this. 

For right now, I’d love to write Classpects posts similar to Joey’s on Jude and Xefros. I’m also just entering the next phase of Homestuck: Explained, which means--among other things--making a concise and accessible video on the Classpect system for non-fans. I think this joey post makes clear I’d do a pretty good job at it! 

Alas, barring the outrageous success of this post, I’m gonna be putting them off for a little while so I can focus on my next steps. If you’d like to see more of that stuff sooner, helping me out would be a great way to get it.

And I will clarify that even if you’re willing, I would rather you don’t support this venture unless you’re A) An Adult and B) Financially stable and sure you’re comfortable with doing so! That should go without saying, but I would really hate for someone to put themselves or their families out by trying to support me.  Worst case scenario, I’ll get back to this eventually. 

Thanks for everything up until now. And whether I’m presently around or not in the coming weeks…

Keep rising.

[Patreon]

[the-penitent-thief]

Reflecting on this year

So I know I haven't been on as much as I have in the past, but mainly this is for me to organize my thoughts if anything.

This year my grandmother died. It still hurts me. Sometimes when I think of her I'm happy, I remember all the things she said to make me laugh, and other days I can't bare to think about it.

This year I had my final summer internship in Chicago. It was the most amazing experience of my lifetime. I worked on a fantastic project, with an amazing grad student and an amazing faculty mentor. I also made some lovely friends, they made the summer great too.

This year I became the most broke I've ever been. My scholars program does not allow for us to get a job, so I was surviving on stipend money, which was certainly not enough to pay rent, bills, groceries, my metrocard or my loan payments. I would be in the negative every month, so I had to sell my things to make ends meet. I'm currently looking for a job hush-hush since my schedule is not jam packed. Now, I don't live with my parents, I moved out when I was 18. I kinda regret that I moved out from a financial standpoint but if I didn't I wouldn't have had certain opportunities, most importantly, I wouldn't have met my best friend (@ninthgymleader I love you with all my heart, without you, my life would certainly not have been the same. Thank you for being the best friend I've ever had).

This year the love of my life moved in with me. It was certainly an adjustment to having my space shared, but the integration was seamless and we clicked even better. All couples have their ups and downs, and our downs were rooted in financial instability. He has found a job and I'm currently looking, but our love has only grown stronger. I still feel the same butterfly-loveydovey feeling as I first met him. We're going to be together for 3 years on January 29th.

This year I applied for grad school to get my PhD. I have already heard back from one school for an interview, I'm pretty psyched.

This year I worked my ass off but forgot to take care of me. I got a very I don't give a fuck attitude about my health and just worked and worked and worked and took on more things and got more stressed and worked. My mental health has been getting a lot better oddly. I still have my days but I've been feeling great overall. My physical health has been a nightmare. My molar teeth began cracking due to stress, I put on weight, I have issues with my digestive system that are concerning and I get too many ulcer pains.

This year I finally formed a band and we play shows. We have 3 more shows scheduled for January. We are really fucking good and I can't wait to show you our record were recording soon. I can't believe the momentum at which my band is moving and I have total confidence we're gonna get somewhere (we're called A/B look us up on Facebook and Instagram 😘🙏). We're also an all PoC indie rock band, moving thru a predominantly straight white male scene and we're trying to change that. We're trying to work more with qPoC/WoC/PoC to make the scene more diverse and hopefully we can get there.

This year I realized a lot about myself. I always think the absolute worst in everyone and everything, and expect wayyyy too much out of myself and others. And more. But that's for another time.

I have had moments where I've hit rock bottom, where I was so broke I could barely eat, where I haven't showered in eons because I was too focused on getting work done and taking on the million things I took on this year. I learned to ask for help when I needed it and it has surely helped me in times of need. I'm lucky I have such a strong support system. I'm lucky that I have been able to get help, and to be given opportunities like internships and playing shows and being a part of the scholars program that I'm in. I'm lucky to have a platonic soulmate like Jason and a romantic soulmate like Sam. I'm so lucky for these things and I never really get to realize that.

This next year I want to be more appreciative for what I have, and not focus on what I don't. I want to be more healthy and take control of my life and my health. I want to learn how to say no to something and not feel guilty. I want to learn to be the best I can be for me and not for some other reason or person. I want to learn that my future is a big question mark, and that nothing is guaranteed or linear, and I have to accept rejection if it comes. I also want me to believe in my future and in myself because damn it no matter where I end up I know I'll do well. I want this next year to be for me. The growth of me. That may sound a bit selfish but it is what my being needs.

TLDR

Lots of good and bad happened but in the new year I want to focus on improving myself, my lifestyle and how I view life and the world itself.

Thanks for reading. Have a wonderful day and the happiest of New year's. I wish only happiness for you.

[astraleulogy]

A to Z Tag Game
I was tagged by @etherealfaeri :^)💕 (I lov u and your blog btw!!! Hope u have a nice day) Rules: Copy this post into a new text post, remove my answers and put in yours, and when you are done tag up to 10 people and also tag the person who tagged you… And most importantly, have fun! I have to go to work soon so I’m not gonna tag anyone but feel free to do this and tag me if u want!! A- age: 18
 B- biggest fear: failure/financial instability
 C- current time: 8:06am
 D- drink you had last: iced coffee at 12:32
 E- every day starts with: rehashing my weird dream I had the night before F- favorite song: rn it’s either 3005 or IV sweatpants by gambino 
G- ghosts, are they real: definitely; I believe there’s overlapping realities existing with us and the “ghosts” we experience are either alternate versions of ourselves or past relatives from a different timeline
H- hometown: some small ass town in south florida I’m not gonna say 
I- in love with: my friends and the possibilities I could have if I just learned to take risks
J- jealous of: rich people but also hate them when they’re assholes 
K- killed someone: why is this a question
L-last time you cried: not sure but I do remember crying real hard to moana to the point I forgot how to breathe for three seconds
M- middle name: Nicole
N- number of siblings: 4
O- one wish: I want to take more risks and it try to live such a secure life bc if I don’t I’m not gonna get anywhere and I’m going to be a Boring Bitch for the rest of my life
P- person you last called/texted: my pals ben and noah
Q- questions you’re always asked: “why are you so skinny?” “You’re really mature for your age?” And “has anyone told you you look like young Brooke shields?“
R- reasons to smile: family, friends, films, memories, possibilities, clean sheets, a nice hot shower, flower fields, endless things tbh
S- Song last sang: redbone by gambino
T- time you woke up: 7:15
U- underwear color: grey! 
V- vacation destination: Iceland, Prague, Budapest, Florence, Japan
W- worst habit: overanalyzing, being emotionally distant, lowkey manipulating my friends without realizing it
X- x-rays you’ve had: none :^)
Y- your favorite food: sushi, bagels with cream cheese, ice cream, can’t really pick one tbh
Z- zodiac sign: capricorn ( libra moon & leo rising)!!

[talledschick]

Health and Surgery Info Update

Everyday has been such a battle, I havnt been sleeping right and have been on a messed up reversed schedule for two months now because I cannot wear my CPAP which was helping for a few weeks to get me some real restoritive sleep, but it is a struggle to wear even the lightest mask because just the extra weight in front of my head with my severe craniocervical instability makes my head slide and triggers neck spaisms setting off a chain of much worse symptoms. So I had to give up the CPAP and now I'm not "sleeping" and when I am "asleep" it's not restful and it's during the daytime. Therefore throwing my whole life out of whack. Not to mention I've had to chop off most of my hair cause it's too heavy for my unstable skull and cannot tolerate my hats anymore. I feel like a energy vampire drains me every night and leaves me completly non functional during daytime hours. This is made even worse since I need to be planning and getting done what I need too for my upcoming surguires on the east coast next month. My brain and body feel like they are at the highest degree of completly not functioning and it all comes down to this darn skull instabilty. I need to make this surgery happen and unfortuanly this means I need to ask for your help again. And it's actually two surguries again, but this time we know ahead of time. The first surgery will be a tethered cord revision on April 12th, since I have rethethered. The revision should help with many symptoms, my mobility being one and another big one would be allowing me to wear my neck collar for support and protection of my CCI. As well as a whole host of other neurological symptoms that should resolve. It was like a this miracle last time. Almost immediately resolved so many issues. Then on May 11th I'll have my craniocervical fusion. The day before I will go in for surgical traction and then the next day hard fuse it. I currently cannot wear the collar to support my unstable skull cause it's triggering a worsening and intolerable degree of my tethered cord symptoms, but not wearing a collar makes my cci worse. It's a twisted tangled web of instability I live with. Once I'm fused there will be no more brain stem comprehsion and I should be more functional than I am now, which is not functional at all. It appears as those my bone graft failed in this area in 2015 and that is why I need to go in and hard fuse it this time. Really make it stick and stay stable and keep my brain stem safe from further compression. These two operations are in Oceanside, NY and mom and I are desperately trying to figure out how to make this trip possible and where we can stay for April & May out there that has a kitchen, no stairs and 2 beds within 30min of the hosptiol/ drs office. I've made calls and checked the web and air bnb and have even called some relators trying to find a place to meet my post surgical needs and it is really difficult and rather expensive. So much more than I thought, the one place ive found for lodging alone is nearly $15,000 for the whole stay and that is well beyond anything I have and a good half an hour away. Even the cheaper options are $8,000- $10,000 and that's without a second bed and much further away from the hosptiol than is comfortable for me to travel after having spinal operations. And the further we are the higher the travel expense too. I'm trying really hard to figure something out but with all my neurological and physical issues trying to do this myself is not working out so well. And time is passing quickly. Anyone who has advice or maybe knows of something in the area please let me know. But it is very hard for me to ask for this financial help again after so many of you helped me with my surgeries last time. I hate to do this but I need your help. Without you I wont be able to afford to get out east and stay out there to have these much needed operations. I will be posting my fundraiser soon it's taken eveything I have to write this. If your able to help that would be incredable. If you can just pass on my link when its up then that would be amazing too. Thank you for reading my update and for all your support. I never could have made it this far without all of you amazing folks who helped donate last time and I am hoping that maybe some of you would be so generous and willing to help me out once again. I will forever be indebted to all of you for your help and support. These are difficult times but I am determined to get the dangerous areas of my spine stabilized and get back on my feet and build a strong and more stable life. I could almost taste it, I felt it happening before this most unfortunate turn of events, i was getting stronger and I know things will be better once this is taken care of. CCI is dangerous and I cannot keep waiting and letting it get worse. I need to have these operations now so I still have a life ahead of me, I'm only 24. I've spent more than 3 years just stuck in bed. That's not much of a life. I want outta this bedridden life. EDS is always gonna be an issue for me but with these surguries I can take some control back from my loose craniocervical ligaments and stabilize what is most needed and most importantly save my brain and Spine from further dammage. Thank you again for reading. I'll try to do better about updates going forward. Both here my blog and my Facebook page I really dropped the ball this year and one of my goals is to document everything better this time around if possible.

[realtalk-princeton]

I’m a parent-grew up very middle-class. Worked my a—off & made prudent/frugal choices so my kid(s) can attend a university like Princeton & pay 100% of tuition & even donate more so others (like many of you who are critical) can also attend! My daughter was passionate about math the way you (Pichu? Bateman?) might be passionate about something else. We were THRILLED she got fantastic offers from “financial” (& other) firms. But more importantly, SHE gets to spend her life doing 1) something she

1) something she hopefully loves & 2) something that can help support her, her family, & contribute rather than be a burden on society. SO STOP KNOCKING WALL ST, FINANCE, ETC. Maybe those who go into finance jobs think others who get degrees in areas like philosophy are going about “life” the wrong way, but keep it to themselves

===

Response from Pichu:

I just saw this and I know Bateman and Pablo responded before me but I’m gonna put my response at the top so that you hopefully don’t miss my response. Who was shitting on finance? Ok @original poster.. i think my family and yours actually have a lot of similarities, let’s see (and since you like to brag..):

my daddy came from something similar to “very middle-class” (imagine a village in rural china, youngest of 4 children, parents were illiterate and had no income, walked miles to school everyday) and, LIKE YOU, “worked his a-- off”. i’m sure you understand what he went through since you also worked your ass off! he went to college at age 14, first in his family to go to college (also first in his family to read), came to America to get his PhD in --guess what-- math! from a university that is ok at math i guess (ask your daughter), was a professor at a school in Boston for a year and then went to work in.. wait for it.. finance! and still does (what a terrible profession that i shit on, how disgusting). and like you, he “made prudent/frugal choices so [his] kid(s) [ME] can attend a university like Princeton & pay 100% of tuition & even donate more so others (like many of you who are critical) can also attend”.. and wait it gets better, like your child, I study math! see we are not so different after all, right pops? why the animosity?

i mean this when i think your daughter knows what she’s doing (us math people think alike). my true qualms are with the people who just think about getting a job for money, don’t think about their education, and so a large portion study econ / woodywoo (don’t forget the finance certificate!) / orfe (if they’re brave/foolish) and all they think about / their main goal throughout college is getting a job with money (i’m not characterizing all people of these majors as this way!!! plz don’t yell at me rtp community). they could be very interesting people, but i think for a lot of them the environment of princeton further causes them to act this way. this is just the impression i have gotten during my time here.

congrats to your daughter, and congrats to you for getting to brag to people about your daughter (you’re not too shabby yourself tho).

Response from Bateman: If you read our posts carefully, you’d realize that no one is knocking Wall St., or finance industry. The initial post asked for jobs to make a large salary outside of finance, and we stated that it’s not healthy to think solely in terms of salary. If you like finance, good for you, knock yourself out. You said it yourself in your answer, that it’s about “1) something she hopefully loves,” and you even put that first as opposed to “something that can help support her.” 

Response from Pablo:

Bateman ninja’d me, so I’m still going to tack on my own two cents here. Remember - this is totally my opinion.

Yeah, I don’t think any other contributor was knocking finance as a field, just saying that the idea that all you want in life is money and nothing else comes across as shallow and uninteresting. That being said, even thought I’m not interested in finance all that much, I get why people would want their end-goal to be making money. Maybe you’re just “greedy”, or maybe you have only known financial instability, so having money in excess sounds appealing, or maybe you have family that you could only help with money. I’ve heard all these things. Maybe you’re somewhere in-between. I might add that some people go into finance because they actually love it, same with consulting, but I digress.

I definitely agree with Bateman in that you will probably have a better life if you follow your passion and then see how you can make money from it. Just ask most alumni at Reunions. You might not think finance sounds fun or consulting sounds fun but, if all you care about is money, then why should it matter? Be prepared to keep your head down and work your ass off getting the only thing you’re interested in, or the means to get whatever you’re interested in, and then hope retirement comes soon. The problem there is that you may realize down the road that just getting financial and material gains is not satisfying (although it may totally be the case that you do not realize this and that you are happy only with money). I think the other guys were trying to help you parse through these thoughts a little more, but if there is one thing I’ve learned this year, it’s that the only way to really learn something is the hard way.

So, @ the original anon, just deal with the fact that making money might suck. Last year, I stayed up all night watch chairs for Commencement for additional money - it was brutal but it was all for some end, right (jk not worth it AT ALL, but I learned)? And @ this parent, congratulations to your daughter! No one is knocking finance and even if they did lmao who would care - some people literally don’t believe environmental science is a thing while others devote their life to it. Point is, there seems to be a good portion of Princeton (students + alumni) that would advise finding a passion and then getting money therefrom rather than the other way around. But, if the only way to do what you want to do is with money and you want to do it fast, and you’re a little too stubborn to think this through, finance may be the road for you. It sucks, but like what can you do? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯