#there were only two that i felt like i really had to import (lighthouse 2 and zenith) but i've been importing others anyway

[hua-fei-hua]

i'm finally importing the last of my playlists to my new mp3 player (bc i have been lazy otherwise lol), n on one hand, i feel okay just letting some of them vanish into the aether forever, but on the other hand, the tiny archivist in me wants to at least keep an xml file for nostalgia purposes

[leoascendente]

PAC/ Who's thinking about you? ✨️

Hi my loves! ❤️ Welcome to this new pac about the person who has you currently on their mind. As always, take only what resonates with you and leave what doesn't. Take a deep breath before choosing your pile and pick the one that calls you the most, hope you like it :)

My blog in Spanish here

Paid readings here

The pictures are taken from the blog of @simena, my absolute favorite blog, highly recommended<3

Pile 1/Pile 2/ Pile 3

Pile 1:

Who and why?:

(Cards: 3 of wands, 4 of cups rev, 8 of swords rev, death/ ace of pentacles, 7 of swords rev, 4 of pentacles, hermit rev)

I feel a friendship vibe from this pile, this is a person that you thought would be in your life for a really long time, you felt really happy and fulfilled by this person's side, everything seemed to be fie but something happened that you lost contact with eachother, for some I see you had to consciously pull them off your life because they were becoming a toxic influence. Even though you had future plans with this person, maybe a travel or something like that, you decided to leave them behind or the relationship ended before aything bad could happen to you. I feel this was a friendship of yours who was troublesome but you didn't realize of their true colors until it was late, I see here that you really loved and appreciate them deeply and their actions after the separation dissapointed you, like the kind of people that talks bad at your back so they look nicer to the eyes of others.

This person feared that you could find out some truths about them that they wanted to keep hidden, I'm also hearing 'copycat' energy so this person was trying to make theirs your ideas or projects, this person lacks originality and have to absorv it from others like a parasite, even if sounds bad. I really feel that the person who decided to cut off this relationship was you in order to protect yourself and your wellbeing, it might sound weird but it seems like everything was fine on the outside but there was a perceptible tension in the air that you were avoiding or not giving the proper importance to. They are thinking about you because you were a lighthouse for them, their life was better when you were on it and they know it.

Future actions:

(Cards: queen of wands rev, wheel of fortune rev, page of swords, queen of swords)

This person will try to enter your life again, expect a suddent text message or call from them, it has taken them a lot of effort to do it and I even see the have written you before but never sent the message. I take the queen of swords as an advice for you to act more strategicaly and, if you feel like responding the message or call, do it in a cold way because they are coming from a place of interest not love, and might even try to force an argument to prove you wrong. This person is projecting a lot of things over you because they feel small, even more if this separation between you two happened a long time ago, this person feels frustrated about the fact that you could move on and they don't, they might even be jealous of how your life is currently going and the blessings you are receiving. Things look to be moving against this person and they saw you as their lucky charm, now that they don't know how to get out of the circumstances they created, they are coming back into your life for you to save them. Be intelligent my dear, don't let them manipulate you because those are their intentions, play smart.

Pile 2

Who and why?:

(Cards: 7 of wands, hanged man, 3 of swords rev, 10 of pentacles/ knight of swords rev, 5 of wands, 5 of cups rev, empress rev)

Gosh, this person is intense as hell, the kind of person that always has their guard up because thinks that the whole world is against them, always on fight or flight mode. You had a fight or argument with this person that led to break the relationship, this person might be a pisces sun or moon, this person is really defensive and rarely take things lightly, it feels like living in survival mode, it could be a family member for what I'm feeling. For a little amount of you I see that this person could be a love interest that kept you moving back and forth but never commiting to you, they used you for their own interest and avoiding facing the truth of their behavior, this person, whoever it is, is really conflictive within themselves and with the world, they don't know how to keep and care the relationships in their life. If you resonate with the love interest option, this person might be dealing with someone that will treat them the same way they treated you, they are about to receive a heavy karmic lesson.

This person was a little jealous of you, and instead of being ispired by your energy they saw you as a threat even though it was never your intention to make them feel that way. I see that this person holds so much anger and rage within that they need to create any excuse to start an argument so they can release those emotions in a toxic way with people that don't really deserve it. You know that kind of people that get yelled at on their work by their boss and act submissive but when they arrive home they start yelling at everyone the way they wish they yelled at their boss? Well, that's the kind of vibe I'm getting from this person. They think of you from time to time but when you appear in their mind they try hard to pull you away from their thoughts, they have remorse and they know why, they are just avoiding reality and the consequences of their own actions.

Future actions:

(Cards: 4 of pentacles, tower rev, 10 of swords rev, 6 of cups)

This person really misses you, with two 10 cards in their spread I feel like they have solved some issues that were a trouble in your relationship when you were dealing with eachother, right now they feel more positive but they still have this melancholic energy when it comes to you because they know that they could end up things in a more positive light, . They are not going to approach you, their pride is too big for that but, they think about you pretty often and, when they do, they feel remorse and guilt, they know that you were a good influence for them and are aware that their behavior was a burden that caused all the disaster. Anyway, this person thinks that you made them really happy and miss those joyful moments, they know you are a good person and recognie all the good things you made for them, they might be even looking for you in other people because I keep hearing on repeat on my mind the song Glimpse of us (beautiful song but with a very toxic message, it's singed by joji, in case you want to check it)

Pile 3:

Who and why?:

(Cards: star rev, 7 of cups rev, page of wands, strenght rev/ justice, judgement, 4 of swords, page of swords)

This might be a love interest that ghosted you and, for what it seems, for no reason, but in fact they really had serious reasons to pull you away, it might not be ghosting per se but right now there's no contact between you two for any given reason, like things just got cold. This person had a lot of unsolved bussinesses in their life that they needed to be attended by the moment they met you, this person might look very outgoing and resolutive on the outside but there's a deep anxiety they are trying very hard to hide, they might even be using sports as an scape mechanism to stop thinking about everything that's currently on their table. There's a lot of attraction between both of you and this person feels it very intensely, you left a significative mark on them and they can't forget about you, and in fact, they don't want to forget you at all but now they don't feel enough for you, or at least, like they can't offer you what you deserve.

The why is a little more complex than what I expected, for some there could be legal matters involved that they had to solve, maybe this is some kind of forbidden relationship and this person was in the middle of a divorce, whatever it is, law is involved here, for those who don't, they are going through a serious karmic lesson. This person has you on high regard and wants to offer you something real and stable but they know that the circumstances weren't the right ones, they want to present themselves as the perfect match for you and, instead of being honest and tell you about what's going on in their life they decided to let things at pause waiting for the perfect moment to come back.

Future actions:

(Cards: 3 of swords rev, high priestess, hierophant, knight of cups)

This person is coming back into your life with their heart on their hands ready to give it to you, they see you as their counterpart and they regret deeply for not acting correctly with you. Now that their problems are solved they want to come back but they have this fear of you having the door closed for them, I see they have an apology and an explanation for you but they are scared that you might reject them for their behavior. They've been thinking a lot about you and you have probably thought a lot about them too, even have some psychic glimpses of this person like dreams or intuitive toughts. Expect soon a contact from this person, they won't take too long. There's a soulmate/ twin flame connection between you two, and even if this person don't know about this kind of connections they know that there's something special here and that your connection and chemistry is true.

[writer-rubes]

Head in the Clouds

A Wholesome Fic

A/N: Here’s part two! Seriously, go follow @fluffyhare if you haven’t yet. Their work is so cute, romantic, and precious! The relationship Avery and Casper have just melts my heart! They’re also just- a really sweet and caring person overall. So go follow them- But if you’re a minor, please don’t interact with them, they hate that. Then again, if you’re a minor, you shouldn’t be interacting with me, either. Please be respectful. Thank you.

Anyways, this chapter does have tickles in it! The first one was some needed exposition, now we’re getting into the good stuff. For this one, we’ve got Ler!Avery, Switch!Casper, and Switch!Rubes. I’m saving Avery’s session for last. This is very self indulgent, so- here goes nothing. Also- it’s way longer than I expected it to be-

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Head in the Clouds

Chapter 2/3: Uncommon Bonds

Summary: Rubes visits Avery’s place with Casper, and they have a very important conversation about her notebook, and her place in the ‘community’. Fluff and shenanigans ensue.

CW: Insecurities, Trans Body Dysphoria, Anxiety, Panic Attack, tooth rotting fluff, SFW tickles

Casper and Avery belong to @fluffyhare

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I was happy with the new friends I had.

Avery and Casper were incredibly fun to be around. Casper was such a joy to talk to, and when Avery wasn’t around, we’d talk for a long time. Avery was so kind, gentle, and considerate. I never saw him alone, Casper was always there with him. Which I thought was cute.

Casper made good on his promise to see me in the library. He came in to say hi while picking up books for Avery. And sometimes he’d ask me to come over to his apartment after work. I exchanged numbers with him and Avery. I just loved that I was their friend, even if it felt like I was a third wheel sometimes. But they assured me I wasn’t doing anything wrong. They wanted to hang out with me.

They wanted to hang out with me…

That in itself warmed my heart. Though I had family and friends online, I didn’t have many people in real life. And I didn’t have family living with me. I was alone. And being around a sweet person like Casper, and someone as whimsical and awe inspiring as Avery, it made me feel like I meant something.

Little did I know, one month after our first meeting, I’d get involved in something I thought only happened in stories.

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I didn’t have work today, so I was just sitting on the couch in my apartment. It was evening, and I had some calming music playing in my earbuds, and I was writing in my notebook meant for my serious writing. Not my wholesome stuff.

I was frustrated. I had realized when I got to work a month ago that I had lost that pink notebook. The one with all of my wholesome writing, and tickle stuff in it. I looked everywhere, but I couldn’t find it. I searched the beach several times, and I was too scared to ask Casper and Avery for help. I was worried someone found it and looked through it. I got a new blank one the other day, but my filled one was still out there.

A knock on the door snapped me out of my worry. I stood up, setting my blue notebook on the side table. My worries could wait. My cat, who had the personality of a dog, rushed to the door the moment she heard the knock. I pushed her back with my foot to make sure she didn’t run out the door. I opened it, and I smiled slightly seeing the friendly face of Casper.

“Hey, Casper.” I said, resorting to picking up my cat to make sure she didn’t get through the door. “What brings you here?”

“Hey, Rubes.” Casper smiled as I picked up my cat. “I was wondering if you wanted to come with me to Avery’s place tonight.” My eyes widened slightly.

“Casper, are you sure?” I asked quietly. “I mean… That’s a big thing, and I already feel like I intrude on yours and Avery’s relationship as is. I don’t even know where he lives.”

“Oh, he lives in an old lighthouse on an island just off the coast.” Casper replied.

“What?” Then again, that wasn’t too big a shock. He can’t exactly show himself in public that often. He was usually in Casper’s apartment. And when he was in public, he was wearing a human disguise, which I learned how to spot.

“Well, you’ve never been there.” Casper said. “And Avery said he wants to talk with you.” My heart sank as Casper said that. But I forced that dread down.

“Okay… let me just get my cat to not chase me out the door…” I picked up a catnip toy, rattling it to get her attention. I threw it, and she chased it across the living room. She nuzzled into it, and flopped on the floor.

“Aw, what a cute kitty.” Casper said. I nodded.

“She’s very sweet.” I grabbed my bag, making sure to grab my blue notebook instead of my newer pink one, and I made sure to lock my apartment door. Casper walked with me out of the complex.

Casper and I went to where Avery planned to meet up with us, when my heart stopped for a brief moment. I recognized this place. It was the same pier I was thrown off of. I still wasn’t over it despite it being over a month. I hadn’t gone to that pier since. And I was afraid that the figure who threw me in would return. Casper walked onto the pier first, but I stopped right before walking on the wooden part.

“Rubes, what’s wrong?” Casper picked up on my fear immediately. I sighed softly.

“This was… where I fell.” I whispered. “I’m worried it’ll happen again, and that…” I trailed off. Casper put a hand on my shoulder.

“It’s okay… I was scared too when I first fell. But I try not to associate the pier with… falling off. I associate it with when I met Avery. If I hadn’t fallen off, he wouldn’t have saved me, and we wouldn’t have fallen for each other.” He tried to assure me. “So try to associate the pier with meeting Avery. Like I did.”

I tried to think of that. How Avery saved my life. How I could keep breathing because of him. How I enjoyed a cup of tea with them on the foggy beach. All those lovely times over the past month were because of him. So I took a deep breath, and took those steps onto the wood of the pier. Casper smiled at me.

“See? It really helps, doesn’t it?” I nodded slowly.

“It does… thank you, Casper.” I whispered. He nodded.

“Anytime.”

As we walked down the pier, I kept trying to think about how the cloud saved my life. How I had so many fun experiences because of him. That really comforted me as I walked down the pier with Casper. Wow, that tactic really worked. When we reached the edge, Avery was awaiting us. He was leaning on the wall separating the pier and the ocean.

“Dewdrop, you made it.” Avery floated to Casper and gave him a kiss on the forehead. “And Rubes, so wonderful to see you.” I smiled at him.

“Hi, Avery…” I whispered. He chuckled softly.

“It will be an honor to have you visit my home. I tidied up just for our guest.” Avery stared up at the clear, starry sky. “Come on, you two. No time to waste.” I nodded.

“Okay… Casper said you lived on an island, right?” Avery nodded at my question before I continued. “So… where’s your boat?”

“Avery doesn’t have one.” Casper informed me. My eyes widened slightly.

“Right, Avery’s a cloud… But what about us?” Avery chuckled.

“I can just carry my Dewdrop over in my arms. But for you, I can carry you with my wind abilities.” My heart stopped at that idea.

“What?!” I backed up a little. “Are you insane? There’s no way that’s safe!” Avery chuckled at my reaction.

“Now, my dear. I will not let anything harm you. I assure you, it’s completely safe. It startled my Dewdrop the first time it happened, but he grew to have fun with it.” He held out his hand. “Do you trust me, Rubes?”

I thought for a moment. I had seen Avery’s powers before. They were fantastical, to say the least. He felt like he came straight out of an old storybook. And he’s been so kind so far. He’d never let me fall.

“Yes, Avery… I trust you.” I took his hand, and he led me back to the edge of the pier, where Casper was eagerly awaiting us.

“Now, let’s get going. We have much to discuss.” Avery chuckled.

Without warning, he scooped Casper up in his arms, bridal style. Despite expecting it, Casper yelped. Avery leapt up from the pier, floating in the sky with Casper safely in his arms. Casper clung to Avery’s shirt. I stared up at them, awe inspired. With a flick of his fingers, a strong gust of wind swirled around me, and lifted me up into the air with them.

“Avery!” I screamed as I was lifted up.

My eyes were practically glued shut, I was shivering from fear, muttering ‘I’m gonna die’ over and over again. But after a moment, I gained the confidence to force open one eye. Then the other. Surrounding us was a clear night, a sea of stars above us, and the deep blue ocean below.

Whoa, what a view, I thought to myself. I could even see the lights from Port Oleander from here. And what a feeling, too! I thought the feeling of flight and weightlessness only occurred in dreams, or in stories. Yet here, with Avery, they were real. I admired the beautiful sights around me, and the adrenaline from this feeling. It was a rush.

I laughed in merriment as this feeling spread endorphins all throughout my veins. Avery chuckled at hearing me laugh. And he hadn’t even started his plan yet…

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We arrived at Avery’s lighthouse. Though it was abandoned, it was oddly welcoming. Maybe because I knew it was the home of such a kind cloud. He landed on the balcony of the lighthouse. He lowered me down until my feet were planted on the ground, and the whirlwind around me vanished. I grabbed the guard rail of the balcony. I was relieved to be on solid ground again, but the rush of adrenaline from that flight was unbelievable.

“Wow… that was wild.” I muttered as Avery set Casper down.

“Yes, flight tends to give quite the rush.” Avery chuckled. He opened the door to the inside of the lighthouse, letting us both in before entering himself.

My eyes practically glowed with endearment. He had turned the lighthouse into a lovely home. There were bookshelves lining nearly every wall, there was a study desk with papers over it, and a big, fluffy bed on one side. There was even a table and chairs.

“Your home is beautiful, Avery.” I told him. Avery chuckled.

“Thank you… Now, how about I make some tea while we discuss a… special matter.” Avery went to his tea cabinet to make it for us. He had a tea cabinet? Lucky!

However, I felt a bit nervous. They brought me here to talk with me. What exactly was it about? Did I do something wrong? Was I being annoying to them? I knew I was awkward and weird, but they could have at least texted me about it! They both had my number! I gripped the edges of my skirt as an anxiety response.

“I know that look, Rubes.” Casper suddenly piped up. I turned to face him.

“Casper?” He smiled at me before speaking.

“You’re anxious. And that’s okay. Honestly I might feel your freakout secondhand.” He muttered. “But trust me. If we had a problem with you, we would have told you a while ago.” I nodded slowly.

“But… I’m just being a third wheel to you.” I muttered. Casper shook his head.

“No, no… You’re not. Avery and I hang out all the time. That’s our own special time. When we hang out with you, it’s different. We want to spend time with you, not just each other. You’re our friend.” A soft smile appeared on my face.

“Thank you, Casper…” I muttered. Avery returned with a few teacups, and he placed them in front of us. I nodded to thank him, and I drank from the teacup. Vanilla chai… my favorite.

“Now, Rubes…” Avery began. “We brought you here to discuss something we discovered on the first day we met.” He walked over to a shelf, and I was confused.

That is, until he pulled out my pink notebook, the one I had lost.

The one that had all of my tickle writing.

My face turned completely pale.

He handed it to me, and I snatched it from him. I held it protectively to my chest.

“Before you ask…” Casper spoke up. “We already read it.”

I whimpered softly, my cheeks going from pale to red. So they knew. They knew of… that part of me. I thought I had kept it under lock and key, but it seemed I couldn’t get anything past them.

“I… If I had an explanation for why I have that notebook, and why I… have that content within it, I’d give it to you in a heartbeat.” I told them. My heart rate went up as I spoke. The first sign of a panic attack. “I don’t know why I’m so obsessed with… this! I never knew why, even now, as an adult!” Tears built up in my eyes, and I was struggling to breathe. I was so afraid. So afraid I would lose them because of this.

“I hate that I have this part of me! I don’t know why I have it, but I do! And no matter how hard I try to get rid of it, let it go, or just forget about it, I can’t! I don’t know what is wrong with me, or why I have this weird, childish, and gross obsession!”

Eventually, I couldn’t speak anymore. Tears were flowing down my face, it was burning red from embarrassment and fear, and I was gasping for air. I was panicking. But I couldn’t stop it. I was lightheaded, and I felt frozen in place. Both of them knew what was going on. This was a panic attack. Avery rushed in front of me to console me.

“Hey, hey…” He spoke in a comforting tone. He placed both his hands on my cheeks. His hands were so soft, and cool against my hot face.

“Oh, Rubes…” He muttered, wiping my tears with his thumbs. “We’re not judging you. Not one little bit.” He spoke in the gentlest tone I had ever heard. “Neither of us are upset, or weirded out by your love of tickles.” My cheeks turned redder when he said the word. Without breaking a sweat, even.

“And believe it or not… we both have the same interest as you.” Casper admitted to me. I gasped softly, and turned to face him.

“What? You… you do?” I asked, sniffling slightly. Casper nodded.

“Y-yes.” Casper’s own cheeks turned red. “Avery discovered it just two months after we started dating. And… we use it to bond a lot. He’s… really good at it…” His voice got quiet as his cheeks burned.

“See?” Avery smiled at me. “We’re not judging you. Not one little bit. In fact, we’re delighted to have someone who sees tickling in a similar light to us! We accept you for who you are. Every part of you.” He kept his hands on my cheeks, and tilted my head up so I’d look at him.

Upon hearing what Avery and Casper said, it made my heart feel… warm. Warmer than ever. I was beyond relieved and happy. I started to calm down, and my panicked tears switched to happier ones. Suddenly, Avery held me in a firm, yet gentle hug. I was briefly stunned by the action. But… it meant more to me than he might think. I returned it, resting my head on his shirt. He was much taller than me…

“T-thank you…” I muttered through my tears. “But even if you are accepting… I didn’t want you to find out through my notebook.” I admitted. “It’s… really embarrassing that this was the way you found out…” Avery nodded.

“Yes, I suppose so. And I apologize for looking through it without your permission.” He spoke as he ran his cool, plush fingers through my short hair. “If it makes you feel any better, your work is lovely. And quite adorable.”

I sniffled, and let go of him. I wiped my tears with my sleeves, but Avery fetched some tissues for me instead. Casper rested a hand on my shoulder.

“We’re not going to see you any differently because of it.” Casper assured me. He took his hand off my shoulder and stood by Avery’s side. “Besides… you didn’t judge me when I told you about my queerness…” I nodded slowly, but glanced away.

“That’s different, Casper…” I muttered. “You struggled with it for so long. And I don’t know what it feels like to be you. With that struggle of not feeling like yourself in your own skin… I can only imagine how it feels for you.”

“And I appreciate that you respect it…” Casper told me. “Not everyone did. Some did after a while, some never respected it. You and Avery… you respected it immediately, and saw me the way I was on the inside.” He smiled brightly.

I wiped away the rest of my tears with Avery’s tissues. They were both so kind.

“Of course I respect it. I tend to look for what’s on the inside. Not surface stuff. I’ve had a lot of trans friends, and... they all struggled like you. I’ll only see you as how you feel on the inside.” I told him.

There was silence for a moment, before Avery shattered it with a question that got my cheeks flaring.

“So… about that ticklish part of you… Does this mean you wanted some of what you wrote to happen to you?” I took several deep breaths before answering.

“M-maybe?” I knew I couldn’t hide it from them anymore, even if I tried. Avery chuckled as I spoke.

“So, care to say your alignment, then?” He asked.

“I beg your pardon?” I said, confused. Casper laughed slightly.

“He means are you a lee? A ler? Somewhere in between?” I finally understood when Casper used those terms.

“Oh… I’m a switch.” I muttered. “But I lean more towards a lee.”

I realized one second too late that I might have made a mistake saying that…

“Well…” Avery chuckled softly. “Perhaps we could indulge you?” He offered. He used a gust of wind to push me backwards, onto the soft carpet.

“Whoa, wait!” I cried in shock, covering myself. “I-I haven’t gone through this in years, I don’t know if I’ll… actually still like it!” Avery’s smile only got bigger.

“Well, let’s find out if you truly do enjoy it, shall we?”

I panicked, and tried to run, but I felt Avery grab me by my hoodie. With one fell swoop, he pulled it off me, leaving only my light pink shirt underneath. That wasn’t decent protection at all.

“No!” I squeaked out. Avery turned to Casper, and they nodded to each other. Casper sat down on my knees so I couldn’t get up. Avery used one hand to pin my wrists. He didn’t pull them over my head, but I couldn’t move them to protect my torso.

“Oh, so you also beg despite not meaning it?” Avery teased. “You’re more like my Dewdrop than I thought. Besides, I read that notebook cover to cover. I know what you want, Rubes.” I whined in response.

“Casper!” I cried, trying to get some sort of help from him. Casper just smirked.

“Sorry, Rubes. Nothing I can do. Besides… Avery will probably go after me, next! So I’m enjoying this while I can!”

“That’s right, Dewdrop~” Avery teased. “But for now…” He smirked at me, with a smirk I never thought he could produce.

“C-can’t we talk about this?” I asked, hoping that he wouldn’t. But at the same time, a craving started surfacing. One I hadn’t felt in years. Avery was right, he was about to give me what I had been deprived of for so long. I had a whirlwind of excitement and dread within me.

And here I thought this stuff only happened in the stories I wrote!

“I’m afraid not, my friend.” Avery chuckled. “Now, let’s test the waters, shall we?”

I gulped, but I knew I couldn’t really do much about this. I already let out a startled squeak when I felt him trace a single, soft finger across my stomach. I bit my tongue, trying to keep my giggles in. I wasn’t sure why. Why was I being stubborn when a part of me wanted this?

“Oh, let those giggles out, dear.” Avery said in a teasing tone. “Nothing’s stopping you.” He chuckled, adding more fingers to gently run over my stomach.

I bit down harder, feeling embarrassed. My heart rate went up, and I felt like my face was going to burn off. But a quick stroke over my navel shot a ticklish shock through my body and up to my head. A squeal escaped me before I could stop it, and giggles spilled out of my throat. Now that the dam was broken, Avery took it upon himself my tease me more.

“I’ve never heard you laugh like this before…” Avery mused. “My goodness, it’s even squeakier than Casper’s! And almost as loud, too!” Casper blushed as he said that.

“I’m not that loud!” Casper retorted. Avery just chuckled.

“Oh, Dewdrop. I’m surprised you haven’t gotten a noise complaint from how hard and loudly you cackle.” He teased, making Casper’s blush deepen.

“Apologies, Rubes. My attention shifted.” While he was teasing Casper, he had kept his fingers on my stomach, gently wiggling them over my stomach. That was even worse than just running his fingers over the spot.

“I-I can’t!” I squeaked out through my laughter.

His touch was even more gentle than I thought it would be. His fingers were soft and plush-like, even with my shirt. And he was gentle, too. Extremely gentle. He was a scientist, and a cloud. He definitely had the hands that worked with delicate instruments, and his cloudy body made his fingers softer and smoother than anything I had ever been tickled by. Avery let out a bigger laugh.

“Oh, come now, dear. You can’t tell me you’re not having fun. You’re barely even struggling~” Avery sang. “And your laughter just sounds so happy. Like you’ve been rectified after all these years~”

His teasing only made it much worse, and my giggles escalated. I struggled to move on the carpet, but Casper sitting on my knees prevented most movement from there. And Avery holding my wrists with one hand kept me from pulling them over my stomach, and crawling away. He chuckled and stopped for a moment, and slowly lifted up my shirt to just below my lower ribs.

“No! No!” I begged through my giggling. Even if he had paused, I still had the giggles, and they were not leaving me be. Avery smirked and shook his head.

“Oh, Rubes… You told Casper and I that you thought you were overweight.” He said in a gentle tone. “But you really aren’t. You’re beautiful just the way you are. Besides, there’s just more tummy to tickle. Is that such a bad thing?~”

I shook my head, but he tauntingly wiggled his fingers above my bare tummy. It was bad enough with my shirt covering it, but the idea of those soft, plushy fingers on my stomach with no shirt protecting me made me start giggling before he even started. Before I could beg more, I felt his soft, smooth, and cool fingers wiggle against my bare tummy, occasionally dipping into my navel.

“Eek!” I squealed out, bucking as hard as I could. My giggles turned into laughter, and I didn’t know how much more I could take.

“Oh, what cute laughter.” Avery mused. “And it’s just one hand on your tummy, and you’re already in a happy laughing fit. I didn’t realize you were this ticklish. Almost as much as my little Dewdrop. He’s so ticklish that even a breeze could get him to giggle.” Casper’s face burned as Avery said that.

“Who are you trying to fluster? Me, or her?” Casper cried through his embarrassed whines. Avery laughed seeing Casper melt.

“How about both? Two flustered red faces are better than one.” Casper and I both whined at the same time, though my laughter made it sound far different from his.

“Now, I wonder how you would react with two hands on that ticklish tummy of yours…” Avery chuckled. My eyes widened through my laughter.

Before I could say anything he lifted the hand tickling me, and snapped his fingers. Two ghost hands appeared behind them, and snatched my wrists. This time, they lifted my arms above my head. I yelped, and bucked, but neither Casper or Avery got off, and those hands didn’t let go. This was mind-blowing that this was actually happening. Outside of just… writing it myself.

“This isn’t fair!” I cried through my nervous giggles.

“Oh, I’m just getting started.” Avery smirked, and glanced behind him. “Casper, would you be a sweetheart, and lend me hand? Her knees aren’t gonna tickle themselves.”

“No, please!” I begged, feeling Casper’s weight shift to my calves. “Aren’t I suffering enough, Casper?” I struggled, but I still could hardly move my legs at all! Casper smirked at me, just like Avery.

“Come on, Rubes. We all know you’re hardly suffering.” Casper stated. “We read that notebook. We’ve got a lot of things that can be used against you~” He started to gently squeeze my knees, and flutter his fingers on the front and backs of them. My leggings offered little to no protection against his touch.

“Casper!” I squealed out, laughing again.

My knees weren’t as ticklish as my stomach, but Avery’s teasing had already weakened me. Speaking of Avery, he started using both his hands on my tummy. One wandered around it, even gently pinching my sides on occasion just to get a squeal out of me. The other stayed near my belly button, tracing around it, and dipping in a few times. All the while, he was teasing me, asking me how much it tickled, or how they weren’t judging me for that notebook, or my love of tickles.

Any coherent thought was out the window for me. This felt like I was living one of my notebook writing pieces. This was torture! They were killing me! But at the same time, this felt… satisfying. For years, I just wanted someone, or something, to make me laugh my troubles away. To tickle me until my brain turns to mush. To tease me and tell me that I wasn’t a freak…

And these two seemed happy to give me that comfort.

One this was for certain. I was happy.

But I could only handle so much. And due to being so touch starved, my tickle tolerance was lower than it should have been. My cheeks were red, and laughter tears were running down my face. Avery could tell I needed to breathe, so he stopped, and got Casper to stop too.

“Are you alright, Rubes?” Avery asked me. I nodded. Though those ghost hands still held me firm.

“Y-yes…” I muttered. Avery gave me a few minutes to catch my breath. My goodness… that was a rush I never thought I would feel again. I had brothers, and they tickled me before… but it was nothing like this.

“You’ve got a nice laugh, Rubes.” Casper mentioned. “You’re real sensitive, too… Almost as much as I am…” He chuckled nervously. Avery laughed slightly.

“See? You understand, Dewdrop.” Avery and Casper got off me, and helped me up. But those ghost hands still remained. They held my wrists just above my head, just barely exposing my armpits. Avery smirked once more.

“Now… I have one more spot I would like to try. Then I’ll let you go. You think you can handle it?”

I gulped, knowing exactly where he was going to go. Under my arms. They were about equal to my stomach in terms of sensitivity. But that meant it would be just as unbearable. Casper backed off, his cheeks turning red again.

“Besides, this is just another way to tease my Dewdrop~” Avery mused. “Their worst spot is here. And it’ll be fun to watch him get worked into a tizzy.” He tapped my left underarm with one finger, making me squeal. Casper covered his face.

“Avery!” Casper whined. Avery chuckled.

“Look, Dewdrop. Here’s what’ll happen to you, next.” He gently wiggled his fingers underneath both my arms, making me let out a scream so loud that Casper had to cover his ears.

I tried to tug my arms down, but those ghost hands held firm. They were not letting go, or even budging when I pulled. Though his fingers were over my shirt, it offered so little protection. It tickled so badly, and I had no way to stop my laughter, or my squealing. My cheeks turned red as the cloud teased not only me, but Casper too.

“Oh, this must be awful for you, Rubes. Or is it thrilling? I happened to notice the high amount of underarm tickles in your notebook. Almost as much as tummy tickles. Perhaps telling me your favorite spots to be tickled?~” He laughed, continuing to gently tickle under my arms.

“Kitchy, kitchy, coo~”

I practically lost it. Combined with Avery’s gentle fingers, his teasing just made it all the more torturous, and exciting. I felt lightheaded, either from the lack of air, or the thrill I was getting from this. Maybe a mix of both, even.

It felt like an eternity, but in reality, it was eight minutes. Avery stopped his tickling, and let go of my wrists. The ghost hands disappeared, and I fell to my knees on the floor. Avery chuckled, and bent down. He placed a hand on my cheek.

“Now do you believe we won’t judge you?” I nodded slowly, too out of breath to speak. He smiled gently.

“Good.” Avery said in a gentle tone. “Those who judge you for this aren’t worth it. You are an incredible person, and just because you love tickles doesn’t make you weird in our eyes. In fact… it makes you more fun. You have such a sweet laugh.”

I sniffled slightly. I felt tears in my eyes. They were happy tears this time… Avery and Casper were just some of the sweetest people I had ever met. Without thinking, I wrapped Avery in a tight hug. He smiled, and returned it, rubbing my back with his hand. His touch was so soothing… Avery let go after a moment, before smirking again.

“Now, let’s hope you recover quickly so you can help me tickle my Dewdrop.” He said, making Casper perk up.

“Avery!” Casper cried.

He tried to run, but a pair of ghost hands quickly snatched his wrists and pulled them just above his head, like they did with me.

“Now wait a minute! This is cheating!” Casper yelped, struggling to pull down his arms, but those ghost hands had an iron grip despite being soft.

“Avery, please!” He begged, already giggling despite us not touching him yet. Avery chuckled.

“Come now, Dewdrop. This’ll be fun for all of us.” He turned to me for a moment. “I’ll tickle his neck, you tickle his tummy.” My smile faded when he told me that.

“I don’t know, Avery…” I muttered, backing up a little. “I don’t have that much experience with… this.” Avery laughed.

“It seems you can’t say ‘tickle’ either.” Avery teased. “Just like Casper. But if you’re really afraid of hurting him…” He handed me a couple of feathers. “Use these, Rubes. They’re gentle, with no chance of hurting him, and they’re very effective.” He fluttered his fingers over Casper’s neck, making him let out a higher pitched squeal than he’d like to admit.

I gulped slightly. I had tickle fights with my brothers before, and they were always a rush. However, my brothers always tickled me roughly, so I did the same back to them. But I had never tickled anyone with feathers before. Were they really as effective as they were in the stories I’ve read and wrote?

Only one way to find out.

“Sorry, Casper… Actually, I’m not. This is kinda just revenge.” I giggled slightly. I slipped the feathers underneath his shirt, and brushed them all over his tummy.

Casper screamed. He didn’t think feathers would be that effective, either. They weren’t as firm as Avery’s fingers, but they were soft and wispy, just enough to get the nerves stimulated.

“Avery! Rubes!” Casper cried, squirming as much as he could. But neither of us let up.

I was almost always the one receiving tickles, so it was kind of odd giving them after so many years. But at the same time, it was so liberating. I never thought I’d get the chance to tickle someone like this, with feathers for that matter. It was a completely separate feeling from being tickled, yet it gave the same rush.

Avery smiled listening to his little love’s laughter. It made him feel butterflies, and it only made his love for Casper grow. And Casper? Though he was begging through his screams of laughter, he was having fun. I was being gentle with him, and Avery knew exactly where to get him to get laughter.

Avery and I kept tickling Casper for almost twenty minutes, with a few breaks here and there. When Avery stopped, so did I. I pulled the feathers away, and the ghost hands released Casper’s wrists. Casper collapsed to the floor, taking several deep breaths. He was exhausted. Avery picked him up, and rested him on his fluffy bed. Rubes smiled slightly.

“You really love him, don’t you?” I asked. Avery nodded.

“Yes… He’s the light of my world. He means so much to me. And I appreciate that you’re there for him.” I nodded slowly.

“Of course… He’s so sweet. And talented…” I stated. Avery gave Casper a pillow to cuddle for a bit, while he led me back to the balcony.

“Come on… I’ll get you home. We already decided Casper will stay with me tonight.” Avery flew up into the night sky above, and that familiar whirlwind swirled around me, and carried me up with him.

Though the view was beautiful, and it felt incredible to be weightless, I was too exhausted to really feel the same rush. He had tickled nearly every bit of energy out of me, and that only increased while I was tickling Casper. Avery brought me back to my apartment window. It was pulled open, and he gently set me down inside.

“Today was wonderful, Rubes. And I’m so thrilled you’re a member of the community. I hope we can have fun like that again soon.” I nodded sleepily, and he flew off into the night.

I shut my bedroom window, and I went straight to bed. I was exhausted, but in the best way possible. I yawned, and flopped onto my bed, my cat hopping up and curling up next to me. As I drifted off, a small smile stayed on my face.

I was happy they accepted me.

[nyaskitten]

I AM LOSING MY MIND OVER CRYSTALIZED................

SAME!!! I WANTED AN EXCUSE TO SAY EVERYTHING ON MY MIND, SO THANKS FOR THIS. MASSIVE SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT!!!

OKAY SO FIRST OFF, WOW! The jokes, the animation, the fights, the music, UGH! EVERY JOKE HAD ME CACKLING, I WAS INTERESTED IN EVERY SINGLE FIGHT!

Those first two episodes, OH they got me in the fuckin feels!

Episode 1, hearing how everyone was honoring Nya was so cool! I found it HILARIOUS btw that one of the sides on ALL of the lanterns was the "Lorem ipsum" placeholder text in Ninjargon skjdsdgjdfk

Episode 2, I WAS SO surprised to see Nya meet Nyad, and then Nya remembering and finding the lighthouse! That was awesome! Sorta upset at how quickly things progressed but eh, whatever ig.

Episode's 3, 4, and the 5 were nice I s'pose, but they were KINDA slow (still loved them a lot, just found the pacing a tiny bit odd)!!

Episode 6 was really great just because I very much so love Aspheera (convicted Aspheera simp) and I LOVED watching how petty she was with Wu, and when she tried betraying the ninja. Also Nya Ninjago ofc vkdjbkjkgn

Episode 7 was nice and it was fun, watching the ninja have to deal with a buncha people they tossed into prison, a very fun scenario! Also really liked that ending with Vangelis! Also watching Lloyd try to find the "Kabuki Mask" person was p cool!

SIGH episode 8, I ADORED seeing the greatest ever Pythor P. Chumsworth and his very daring escape. Watching the ninja chasing him down was VERY fun as well. Loved seeing how Nya was struggling w/ herself and being powerless btw.

Episode 9 was good, esp watching the ninja escape. The car chase was cool, but it wasn't anything exceptional imo. Dareth's acting skills though? Very on point. My guy is a lawyer, master, bartender, TV host, AND a theater kid? Typical Dareth!

Episode 10, oH I LIKED THIS. This episode reminded me of Lego City Adventures, which I love to death! Sally was a very fun character and I loved how her own pain caused Zane to realize all emotions are important. Also really loved how Hounddog McBrag drove into a fucking stream like that, icon behavior dfbjkgfnjk

Episode 11 was just BlueJayshipping gaybait mixed with some Twitchy Tim SORTA Coming in clutch. BUT I really loved the fight against the Mechanic!! Really cool!

SIGH AND THEN WE HAVE EPISODE 12. WASN'T FUCKING READY FOR IT! THE SHITTY LLOYD DISGUISE, THE COUNCIL OF THE CRYSTAL KING, OH MY GOD! MR. F WAS AWESOME (despite only getting to shoot Lloyd) AND WOW WHAT A DYNAMIC THE VILLAINS HAVE. AND OH MY FUCKING GOD THE HARUMI REVEAL GOT ME, WHEN SHE STARTED SINGING, I FELT CHILLS.

ANYWAYS VERY EXCITED FOR THE NEXT 18 EPISODES. Also, wouldn't it be fucking hilarious if they just didn't give the Overlord any screen time until the last 6 episodes, just like they did with him in s2?

Also VERY hyped to see the Crystal King in canon, wanna draw him sm!!!

[nellpire]

[2109xx] Nell - Dazed September Issue 2021 Interview (translation)

Q: Four years since we last met, now Dazed is greeting you again like this. As a "Nell kid" who grew up listening to your music, speaking to the four of you feels surreal. What's new with you? Jaekyung: We've been continuously working on our new album.  Jongwan: We've worked on it for about a year and a half and finally concluded our work the day before yesterday. Like COVID, we worked non-stop and immersed ourselves in composing.

Q: When will we get to meet it? Jongwan: Looks like it'll be somewhere between the 1st and the 3rd of September. 

Q: I heard you're also in the midst of shooting a Nell documentary.  Jongwan: We've put it off for the moment.  Junghoon: There are too many variables in today's world.

Q: It's the same for all of Dazed's issues, there's no telling at all what will happen. And the same goes for who will sing Nell's masterpieces next. The band Gift did a remake of Time Spent Walking Through Memories not long ago. That's rare for them. Jongwan: It was a first for them as a band. We're well aware of their talent as we've been watching them on YouTube. We've wished they would play a song of ours.  Jaewon: We're always keeping an eye on indie bands, and Gift stood out among those hoobaes. We were very grateful when they told us they were singing our song. 

Q: Dazed readers in their late teens and early 20s remember that song so clearly too. Let's go back to that era of Nell. Do you remember each other's youth?  Jaekyung: It's so long ago that it's hard to recall (laughter). We've talked about this many times already, but one of Jaewon's aliases in elementary school was "jjang". We were close friends, played guitar and drums. Jongwan was a kid who sang and played basketball well (laughter). Jongwan: We were just students who liked music. We wanted to learn to play instruments and played in school bands. Looking back now, we've been making music for a long time, but I doubt anyone thought we'd make it this far. When we were high school students all we wanted was to hurry up and graduate, and when we were in our 20s we just didn't want to turn 30… It was that kind of common youth.  Jaewon: When I think about high school student Junghoon, he really listened to music a lot, and he still does. I remember he always had earphones or a headset on.  Junghoon: (laughter) The headset was to look cool. I loved winter back in my school days. There's the winter jackets, and you get to wear long sleeves. Then you can wear the earphone cable inside your clothes and out through your sleeve. So in class I'd always lean my head in my hand to listen to music. Jaewon: Jaekyung was really tall back then too, and he was always running or playing basketball. 

Q: The song "See you in five" from your "Colors in Black" album echoes in my mind. "Is my forced composure / fooling anyone? Let's meet in that place we used to go / If we keep this up / we won't see each other much before we die". I've suddenly reached an age where I can relate deeply to those words.  Jaekyung: You might start a family as you grow older, and as the lines between you and your friends' lives become clearer in a whole new way, you naturally stop hanging out as much. In our 20s, 15 or so of us would gather and see each other almost every day, but now it's hard to meet up even once a year. I was doubtful when I read Jongwan's lyrics for the first time; "will we really end up like that?", but we really did. If we didn't have social media, maybe we would be strangers by now.  Junghoon: And COVID only amplified that. 

Q: I can relate. The fact that, supported by music, the connecting link between the four of you has remained unsevered for 20 years and you've managed to maintain your relationship is truly remarkable. What do the four of you talk about when you gather?  Jongwan: It hasn't changed much. Current matters, events of the world. Things we found fun as kids. And when we work, music talk. To be honest, there's never enough time to talk about that alone (laughter). Jaekyung: When we wrapped up our new album not long ago, we had an after-party and talked a bit about the next album, too. Jaewon: We watch foreign artists' festival performances and envy them, and talk about past concerts.  Jongwan: Maybe it's because we've been together for so long that we still have so much to talk about even in these times. Because we've spent so much longer without COVID than with it. For example, until the year before we last we always played festivals together, et cetera, so the volume of memories we share together is so enormous that we keep having new things to talk about, even in these past 1~2 years. Because talking about the past isn't someone else's stories, but things all four of us can share on a deep level.

Q: Being unable to stand on stage as a band musician and being unable to gather people has to be a deadly thing. The fans must be more disappointed than they can express.  Jongwan: It's a given, but the fans are very disappointed. And I don't need to say anything about how we feel. Moreover we're not very good at communicating; we've always seen our fans through albums and concerts, so we feel even more apologetic now. 

Q: The Nell fandom and its love is as deep and profound as the amount of time they've spent with you. Is there a fan that stands out in your memory?  Jongwan: There are two. One of them is a person we always mention in times like these. This happened when we were all in our late 20s. Up until that point, the reason why we made music was very simple: Expressing ourselves. 100% for our own satisfaction. One person who felt very lost listened to that music of ours and told us this: "Living is so hard, but I gained comfort by listening to Nell's music. I found hope." It can be seen as something fans just say, but at the time it approached us in a heavy way. It was the first time we realized our music can have a positive influence on a stranger's life. It was also the first time we felt proud of something other than expressing ourselves. The second one is from 1~2 years ago, so comparatively recent. Someone collected all of our physical releases, CDs, DVDs and so on, framed it and sent it to us. Everything including the first albums we released as an underground indie band as well as our overseas releases. They sent it to us anonymously so we don't know who they are, but when we received it and held it, it was… what should I say? Emotional. Jaekyung: I too remember the moment I first saw it. It shone like the discography commemorations they hang in famous overseas studios. Albums are really important to us. That's what has let us promote and meet the fans at concerts for the last 20 years. How could we ever forget such a heartfelt gift? We put it up for display in our studio.  Jongwan: Since the four of us meet and work every day, we can't document our 20s and 30s and so we're not aware of the passage of time. But those albums have the dates written in chronological order. Looking at it makes us realize that it's possible to summarize someone's 20-year history like that, from our late teens to our current 40-year-old selves, and it causes this temporary hollow feeling, but it also makes us look at our fans and the members, who've spent all that time together, in a different way. Because this is clearly not an experience everyone gets to have. So that gift was very touching. And we're also really curious who sent it. 

Q: Is the essence of Nell's music still a skepticism, distrust of society or the world? Jongwan: There's still skepticism. I don't think I've ever felt this world is a good place to live. Life isn't always easy or happy, but I don't think that's a bad thing. 

Q: How so? Jongwan: I think that's nature. Even two puppies will crave more love from their owner and be jealous of each other. Would the world humans live in be extreme? I'm the type to believe human nature is inherently bad, so I think it's an issue of living while being pestered by other people and trying to find a balance within that. So having a hard time and being skeptical is a destiny we can't escape. If you think this is bad, even the meaning of life becomes something negative. It's important to find precious, meaningful things even within that, and humans being able to do that is in my opinion something incredibly brave. But as for distrust, it's not something we always channel. The more detailed theme changes with each album. 

Q: The analogy Jongwan made one time about Nell's music was very memorable to me: that Nell's music isn't a fancy restaurant, but a local place.  Jongwan: On the one hand there's fine dining where you can enjoy perfect dishes, plating and interior design for a high price, and on the other there are local places frequented by people in the neighborhood and others who find it by word of mouth, that gives people small happinesses. Old restaurants you can find anywhere on the globe. There's clearly something you can only find in places like those, and I don't think that's far off from our direction. We're not uninterested in making it big and making our name famous, but from our perspective we're putting out music we can be proud of and we have people who respect that music. If we have people who gain comfort and happiness by listening to our music, that's meaningful enough in itself.

Q: I hope more people in Korea will realize the charm of local places and that we'll gain more of such bands and musicians. Not for nothing, Nell is like a lighthouse to so many new bands and young musicians. What would you like to say to them?  Jaekyung: That if you're a band, you should try to let go of your personal greed to the best of your abilities. It's not like there was never any conflict between us four, but I want to ask you to think about whether those kinds of quarrels are important in making good music.  Jongwan: "All in." It's far from easy, going all in. Not just in music; it's difficult to maintain the things you like in any field. 

Q: By "all in", do you mean complete and total immersion? Jongwan: Making it the top priority in your life. I think if you make it even priority 1.5, you have almost no chance of succeeding. It has to be your top priority, so if it's not #1 for you it might not be worth it. You have to endure those difficulties, and if it's not your favorite thing, if it's not your #1 priority, I don't think you'll have reason to endure. There are people who are simply geniuses too, but I'm not one of them. I've seen so many cases where people thought they were all in, but they weren't really. If you want to go all in, then don't look back, don't think of anything else and throw yourself into it. Then someday something right for you will find its way to you, like a gift. 

Q: No less than 22 years. The reason why Nell exists now is because the four of you believed in the power of music. What do you each think is the power of music? Jaewon: Empathy and comfort. There are times when musicians are comforted by their own music. Even if you don't feel 100% connected to the listener, even if you're just sharing the edge of your emotions, I think that's the clear power of music. Jaekyung: For musicians, the moments of making music are the most enjoyable, because nothing else can bring the same emotions. This might sound obvious too, but music needs no special explanation. Even if our languages, sentiments and ethnicities are different, music always speaks for itself. The power of music is something transcendental that all humans can enjoy and have in common. Junghoon: To sound a bit juvenile, music has a power that explodes momentarily. The kind of power that turns anyone into the main character of a movie. If I listen to music that amplifies my emotions when I'm feeling down, I can become sadder than any character in any movie. Some music gives you more energy than the main character in a high teen movie, other music turns introverted and passive people into rebels.  Jongwan: Music can be the strength that keeps people living. An acquaintance's child was very sick with late stage leukemia. When their condition got worse, they were asked if they had one wish, and they said they wanted to meet us. I teared up when I heard about that. It made me think that music can sometimes be a source of incomprehensible strength that makes us want to live the time we have left. Of course, I'm not saying we make that kind of music (laughter). But it's because we believe that music has that potential and worth that we continue to make music even when we're at our wit's end. 

Feel free to use, but please credit Nellpire.

[angelsndragons]

Day 1

Day 1 of the Caduceus Clay celebration week, folks, so you know what that means: I get to gush about my favorite character. I did warn y’all I would word vomit.

So, what does Caduceus mean to me? 

Well.

My brother lives in a separate state and has for several years now. We talked on the phone pretty much every day but we still missed each other a lot. One of the last things he did to me in person was introduce me to D&D. I loved it. It gave me a community away from home and a way to meet new people and form new friendships in new areas. I would tell him all about my weekly game shop adventures, he would tell me about the homebrew campaign he was in online. He also told me about this little show called Critical Role. I, like the dumb oldest sibling I can be, pretty much ignored it, outside letting him talk to me about it and engaging with it secondhand. Then, my brother’s party lost one of their players. They were down to four players and no full casters, just a gunslinger, a barbarian, a monk, and a non-healer warlock. Things started getting dicey. Like, really dicey. He worried with me over how close their fights were getting and how he felt it was only a matter of time until someone legit died and they couldn’t do anything about it. So, I asked, “Well, can you ask them if I could play? You’re looking for someone and we’re looking to try to do something together, it could work out.” Two years later, that campaign is going strong and (thankfully) no one has died yet.

I bring up this context because it matters: I rolled up a level 10 Grave Cleric. I had never played a cleric before but I had wanted to before my game shop sessions fell apart. And here I was, willingly thrown into the deep end of one of the most complex subclasses of one of the most complex classes in the game. And initially, I was not happy with it. Not just because there was a lot to learn but because of sheer mechanics. By rote, I could not keep up with the damage that the rest of my party was doing. At all. My high level spells weren’t doing much more damage than my freaking cantrips and I just felt stuck. I wanted to contribute outside of healing but really just couldn’t. I shared my frustrations with my brother, who, being the little troll he is, said, “Well, you know Critical Role has a Grave Cleric now, right?” So, to start this love fest, Caduceus taught me how to be a better cleric and because of that, I will never be able untangle the character from my relationship with my brother. Even if he died tomorrow or went evil or whatever, I would still be fond of him just for that.

I don’t remember which episode of campaign 2 I first watched all the way through. I know I started paying attention around Fjord’s chicken game and was fully on board with the series by Yasha’s loss in the pit fight. What I do remember is Caduceus. I remember being drawn in by this guy for some reason I still can’t articulate. 

Caduceus is a complex character who is difficult to fully understand and love. People have said unkind things about him, about how he is a glorified NPC or that he is boring or that there is just no ‘there’ there or that he should just go home already. I have seen people say that they think Taliesin should go back to the drawing board and come back with a ‘better’ character, one who vibes better with the group or something. And the sad thing is, I can kind of see where these people are coming from. Understanding Caduceus and what Taliesin is doing with him requires people to pay attention to him, to actively think about him both when he is and is not in the spotlight. And that is hard. Because Caduceus is that character who aggressively tries to divert attention from himself. So right away, we have this tension, this push/pull when it comes to engaging with him. And I do love me a challenge in my favorites. Also love the polite but judgmental assholes who have Opinions they would never say but nevertheless own.

For me, Caduceus’ arc has been about duty and desire, what duty means, how to prioritize yourself, and how to grow. Caduceus’ interrogation of identity as it relates to duty and his blossoming as a person fascinate me most. What is your duty, really? What does it mean to find balance in your life? How do you take down the walls you built to protect yourself? Where do you end and where does your duty begin? What does faith look like outside a strictly Western/Christian lens? Can we find ourselves in other people? What does it mean to grow beyond your wildest imagination and the people you love most?

Caduceus begins the show as a passive, apathetic shadow of a man who has cloaked those traits in duty in order to not deal with his feelings. He had basically grown up in a literal paradise on earth where the problems of the world couldn’t reach or affect him. Until they did. Until his family left. Until the Nein crashed into his temple. Caduceus makes the choice to basically leave paradise, at the Wildmother’s urging, sure, and experience the world in all its messy beauty and ugliness. It is nothing like he expected. It is hard, it is cruel, it tries to drown him at every opportunity. It is also good, the animals, the people, the experiences he has. Hearing Marion sing, learning of a lighthouse to the Wildmother (which he does not fully appreciate yet, this light in the dark storm). Caduceus spends his first chunk of episodes waking up, seeing life outside of paradise. I love these early episodes because they demonstrate just how far Caduceus has actually come (can’t imagine this guy buying an overly large pirate hat as a prank or helping the Traveler offload some followers through an elaborate ceremony, for example).

The crux of Caduceus’ midgame story right up until he saves his family is this: You’ve seen the world, young cleric, are you sure you want to continue to save it? You can go home and turn your back on all of this, what makes you stay in this imperfect world with these imperfect people? We see this a lot, in the questions he asks the Gentleman, in his insistence they save Yasha, in his newfound appreciation and companionship in Fjord, in making the Xhorhaus a home, in his dealings with the stone giants, in his determination to help Nott and her family. And this is the part that made me love him because Caduceus doesn’t shy away from these moments or tough questions. Like most of what he does, he contemplates them quietly and lets his actions speak for him. Caduceus allows himself to get involved, to become invested.

Caduceus’ new major arc is his realization that he is not just some vessel, some passive thing through which the Wildmother’s will will flow. No, he learns that he has to make choices, that he can affect change, and that if he wants this messy, beautiful world to get better, he is going to have to do something about it. Not just wait for Her to tell him it is okay. Taking ownership of his future and what that means to him have shaped Caduceus these last thirty or so episodes. Caduceus has blossomed so damn much. He continued with the Nein because he wanted to, and that led to the discovery of the Astral Sea City. (side note: Anyone want to take a gander what would be happening right now if Caduceus hadn’t been with them?) He not only felt his feelings towards the Nein, he began expressing them. From the man who refused to Scry or Send to his family to one who has a friend call up his sister and tell her he will be back, from the man who clung so tightly to his need to be useful to the Nein to one who openly declares how much he loves these people and how reluctant he is to leave them, from a man who wanted to save his home to one who is trying to save the whole damn world, from a man who couldn’t articulate his feelings if you threatened him to one who is trying so hard communicate, from a man who needed saving from his own apathy and grief to one who saves others, this is who Caduceus Clay has become and I for one am excited to see how the next 100 episodes influence him.

Also I cannot end this word vomit without mentioning the fact that Caduceus being aroace and so warm, loving, and caring is so damn important. Because it is; there are too many people out there who think aros/aces are loveless robots or fake or whatever. And having this person, this caregiver, this annoying little brother, this compassionate man, to hold up against that kind of hate, ignorance, and indifference means more than I will ever be able to express. 

[erics-meep-morps]

When We First Met Part 3

A self-ship fic with Lapis and Peridot. Part 1 here and Part 2 here. 

Living in Beach City for almost a year felt both fast and slow. Some days it was a flash in time while other days seemed to drag on forever. Working at Beach City Public Transit Authority was pretty average. Like any job there were stressful days, but not an excessive amount where it would degrade my mental health. The pay and hours were good, and at the time it was honestly the best job I’ve had.

There were two particular days in the week I looked forward to most: Tuesday and Saturday. When Lapis, Peridot, and me first started hanging out it was usually random days and times, but eventually it became a habit to meet up on Tuesday evenings when I was done with work and they were done teaching classes. On Saturdays I attended either Peridot’s botany class or Lapis’s art class, but usually I didn’t have much time to talk with them since they were busy. After class however, I would stick around and hang out with them and a few other gems. It took awhile but eventually I got used to socializing with gems including Lapis and Peridot. 

As my friendship with Lapis and Peridot developed they introduced me to humans and gems they consider family. Naturally I was shy upon meeting them, but just like Lapis and Peridot they were very friendly and welcoming. Quite often they mentioned a boy named Steven, but it was a long time before I met him and learned about his importance in the family. 

Like any friendship we had some downs. Sometimes Lapis would drop hints that she wanted to be alone but I didn’t notice them, and it would get to a point where Lapis was frustrated with me. Peridot helped explain to me that alone time is very important to Lapis, and as someone who also highly values my alone time I could understand that. Also the three of us occasionally bickered about petty topics, such as our tendency to get too competitive during game night. However, the ups in our friendship more than made up for the downs. As time went on we learned to better communicate with each other.

Since Lapis and Peridot are in a relationship, I made sure to give them space whether they asked or if I just felt they needed it. Besides quick kisses and cuddles they weren’t romantically affectionate towards each other around me, but when they were I did feel slightly awkward. Peridot frequently gave me hugs, and at first I shyly hugged back but after awhile fully returned the hug. It was a long time before Lapis gave me a hug, and I remember feeling so surprised the first time she hugged me. I had assumed she only gave affection to Peridot as I hadn’t seen her give affection to other gems or humans. Like with Peridot, at first I was shy returning hugs to Lapis but after awhile I was used to receiving a hug from her and fully returned the hug. 

Through the late spring and summer we hung out more frequently, typically three or four times per week. A lot of that time was spent relaxing on the beach, but also doing stuff on the boardwalk and swimming. On one particular summer evening Lapis and Peridot brought me to the lighthouse and surprised me with dinner.

“We don’t know how to cook, so we just went to Fish Stew Pizza and bought food there,” Lapis said. She handed me a pizza box and upon opening it I was presented with my favorite kind of pizza from there: double-cheese, stuffed crust, sprinkles of bacon, and chunks of sea bass. 

“Awww, I still really appreciate this! And admittedly the most I can cook is an omelet so we’re nearly the same,” I said and chuckled.

Peridot handed me a soda, which was quite good with washing down the delicious pizza.

After finishing eating we looked at the ocean from the cliff.

“This was the first place we hung out. Almost a year ago,” Lapis mentioned.

“Oh yeah! I can’t believe it’s already been that long,” I said.

“There’s... actually a reason we invited you up here,” Lapis said, her tone noticeably becoming shyer. 

“Oh? What’s the occasion,” I asked curiously.

“Well, Peridot and I have been talking about this for a couple weeks, and we know so much about each other and enjoy each other a lot, and ummm, we were thinking... umm...,” Lapis was saying but as she talked the more nervous she became.

“Do you want to be in our relationship?!” Peridot quickly blurted out and then covered her mouth with her hands and blushed.

I was wide eyed and jaw dropped. “Y- you mean like... the three of us, in a romantic relationship together?”

“Yes,” Lapis replied and breathed a sigh of relief after bringing this topic out in the open. “If you want to of course. If you don’t that’s okay, we’ll still be friends, but we just wanted you to know that we would love to welcome you in our special relationship.”

“I- hold on, I need to sit down,” I said.

“Of course. Sorry, we kind of just dumped this on you,” Lapis said.

“Oh it’s fine. There’s not really an easy way to bring up this kind of topic. I just need a moment to process it,” I explained.

“Take your time Eric. We’re here for you, and no matter what you decide we’ll respect it,” Peridot assured me. 

I thought for a moment while Lapis and Peridot sat across from me. “I’ve never been in a relationship before, and to be honest for a long time I was worried about getting into one.” I paused for a moment thinking about what to say next. “With that said though, you guys are my best friends and... I’d like to give this a try,” I said and smiled at them.

Lapis and Peridot smiled back with small tears dropping from their eyes. They opened their arms and hugged me. 

Tears started to drop from my eyes and I hugged them back. “I love you Lapis and Peridot,” I said softly as we hugged.

“We love you too, Eric,” they replied. 

As we embraced each other the only noise to be heard was the ocean waves. I was overwhelmed by a sense of comfort that I hadn’t felt in a long time. 

When we finally let go we wiped tears from our eyes. Since it was getting late Lapis and Peridot offered me to stay the night at their place. Although I had work in the morning I wanted nothing more than to be with them that night. We watched Camp Pining Hearts until we couldn’t stay awake and fell asleep in each other’s arms. 

[obx-adventures]

The Fall

Summary: Grace just moved from Figure Eight to the Cut. She never expected to run into her old friend, Kiara, and discover she lives next door to JJ Maybank.

A/N: If you want to be added to the taglist for future chapters, let me know. I also add people to the list who reblog any of the chapters.

Catch up here: Ch 1, Ch 2, Ch 3, Ch 4

——

Chapter 5

“You just planning on ignoring me?” Kiara gave Grace a few minutes to collect her thoughts after she got in the van but can’t wait any longer. “Grace, come on, talk to me.”

“Nothing, Kiara. It’s nothing.” Grace’s voice is barely a whisper.

“Look, something obviously happened with your dad yesterday. I get that you don’t want to talk about that. But it doesn’t explain JJ being at your house this morning wearing the same clothes as yesterday or the weird vibe between you two. At least tell me what’s going on between you and him.”

“Kiara, if you want me to be able to get through my shift today, please let this go.” Grace’s grip on her emotions is slowly slipping. She’s not used to having people notice when she’s having a difficult time and it’s making it a lot harder to keep her composure.

“Ok, you don’t have to talk about it. But can I say one thing really quick?” Grace nodded but stayed quiet. “I’ve never seen JJ act like he does when he’s around you. He is horrible at talking about and showing his feelings and being vulnerable, but it doesn’t mean that the feelings aren’t there. My advice for you is to consider his actions as a whole, not just whatever happened between the two you since last night.”

True to her word, Kiara doesn’t say anything else during the trip to The Wreck. Grace silently mulls over everything that has happened between her and JJ. Was Kiara right? Grace didn’t really know JJ before becoming a Pogue so she can’t compare his behavior with her to his behavior with other girls. But if he felt the same about her, why would he reject her last night? She didn’t let him explain this morning, just assuming that he would try to let her down gently.

As they pull into the parking spot at The Wreck, Grace decides to give JJ the benefit of the doubt. Before Kiara can get out of the car, Grace grabs her arm gently to get her attention.

“Thank you, Kiara.”

Kiara is intuitive enough to know that Grace doesn’t want to talk about this anymore, so she offers Grace a smile and hugs her quickly. When she lets Grace go, she notices tears glistening in her friend’s eyes and gives her one final squeeze on the shoulders before getting out of the car.

----
“JB? You here?” JJ calls out as he walks into the Chateau.

“Hey, man. Where did you go last night?” John B has been worried about his best friend since he left the Boneyard last night. Normally, that means JJ went home but John B can’t find any new bruises. Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean they aren’t there

“Just wanted to make sure Grace got home ok.” John B furrows his brow in confusion. He knew that something was off with the newest member of the Pogues, but JJ has never left a party to check on a girl.

“What was going on with her yesterday? Is she alright?”

“She’s got some family stuff going on. Rafe was a fucking asshole to her and she had enough.”

“Is she ok now?” John B studies JJ from across the room, trying to understand the weird vibe he’s giving off.

“Uh… not really. She’s working now and I’ll see how she is when I pick her up later.”

“You’ve been doing that a lot lately. Are you two a thing now?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” JJ pushes down his irritation, knowing John B is just fishing for information. He’s made comments about JJ and Grace for the past week or so. JJ has tried to hide his feelings for her better but apparently that hasn’t worked very well.

“Bullshit. I see how you are with each other.” JJ shrugs at John B and refuses to make eye contact. “Are you macking on her?”

“No. You know the rule.” John B rolls his eyes at his friend.

“Fuck the rule. And Grace wasn’t part of that rule. She just became a Pogue a few weeks ago. Don’t use that as an excuse.”

“Shut up, JB. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Whatever you say, man. But you two are clearly into each other. Just man up.”

JJ storms into his room at the Chateau and slams the door. He knows John B is right, but it doesn’t make it any easier. Why would Grace like him? She’s smart and strong and kind while he’s a fuck up who is only good at surfing. His own parents don’t even think he’s worth a damn so there’s no chance she would. He closes his eyes and remembers the way she looked at him last night. When he was holding her before Kie texted, she looked at him the way no one else did. And then when she came back from the bathroom, he thought that maybe she wanted to kiss him too. But she was drunk and sad. People do a lot of things that they think will make them feel better. There’s no way she would want to kiss him sober. Just because she was upset earlier, doesn’t mean she wants him. She was just embarrassed. Right?

He wakes up an hour later to his phone beeping, but he silences it and rolls over. Thirty minutes later, John B and Pope barge into his room.

“JJ, you have to text Kie back.” Pope is frazzled and out of breath.

“Did you run here?” JJ asks, confusion lacing his voice.

“Kie told me to find you ASAP. Grace needs you.”

“What’s wrong?” JJ bolts out of bed and throws on clean clothes.

“Her mom came to The Wreck and was really drunk. She was crying and begging Grace to forgive her. Kie couldn’t figure out what they were talking about, but she thought you would know.”

“Is her mom still there?”

“Yea, Grace went back to the office and locked herself in. I guess her mom is banging on the door and sobbing.”

“Fuck… JB, can I borrow the van?” In response, John B throws JJ the keys. “Thanks, man. And… sorry about earlier.”

“It’s fine, just go.” JJ pats John B on the shoulder and runs out of the house.

----

 “Grace? Where are you sweetheart?” Grace is hiding under the desk with her hands over her ears when she hears JJ’s voice.

“JJ?” Grace calls out.

“Yea, Kie gave me the key so I can check on you.” A wave of comfort rolls over Grace. Despite their fraught exchanges this morning, Grace is relieved that JJ is here. 
“Is my mom with you?” JJ follows her voice and realizes where it’s coming from.

“No, Kie’s dad got her to calm down and move away. What are you doing under the desk?” JJ sits down next to Grace and gently wipes her tears from her face.

“Just trying to block her out… Kiara called you?”

“Yes and no… she texted me, but I was ignoring my phone. She sent Pope to find me.”

“What did she tell you?” Grace won’t look at his handsome face, too afraid that she’ll see pity in those beautiful eyes.

“That your mom was here, drunk and upset, trying to talk to you.” JJ sees the familiar flush of her cheeks and scolds himself for not being tactful. “Hey, hey, no need to be embarrassed. You should hear some of the stories about my dad… Are you ok?”

Grace shakes her head no and JJ scoots closer to her and wraps her in his arms. He kisses her head as she cries against his chest. After a few minutes, Grace pulls back and wipes her face.

“I’m sorry, JJ…”

“For what?”

“This is the third time you’ve had to deal with my breakdowns since last night. I’m sure you would rather be doing anything else right now.”

“No way. I’m right where I want to be. You’re important to me and I’m here for whatever you need.”

Graces studies JJ’s face, hoping to find sincerity. She does but also sees something else that she can’t name. It’s the same thing she saw last night before Kiara texted him. But what does it mean? As if reading her mind, JJ reaches out and squeezes Grace’s hand.

“C’mon, let’s get out of here.” JJ helps Grace out from under the desk.

“I’m only half way through my shift.”

“Mr Carrera said you could take the rest of the day. Come on… I have the van and I want to take you somewhere.” Grace nods at JJ and tries to clean herself up a little in the office mirror. “You look beautiful already.”

Grace offers JJ a shy smile and grabs her purse from the locker. When they leave, they use the service door, so Grace doesn’t need to see anyone else on her way out. After she gets into the van, she texts Kiara to thank her for her help and tells her she’ll call her later.

“So… where are we going?”

“This place that Big John used to take me and John B to when we were younger. I still go there sometimes to be alone and get my head on straight again. I think you’ll like it.”

JJ drives them to a part of the island that Grace has never been. She tries to observe the new terrain instead of letting her nerves get the best of her. JJ seems just as nervous, tapping rapidly on the steering wheel as he drives.

“Here we are… Redfield Lighthouse. You ever been here?”

“Uh… no. I didn’t even know this was here. We can go inside?”

“Well… not technically… but I always just sneak up there.” Grace looks anxious but that soon disappears when JJ grabs her hand again. “Come on, it’ll be fine.”

They climb the stairs and get to the gallery without running into anyone. JJ drags Grace over to the edge and sits with his legs dangling over the side. Grace is skeptical but JJ pats the area next to him for her to sit down. They sit in silence for a few minutes. Grace is about to speak but she can see that JJ is trying to find the words, so she gives him more time.

“Grace… I wanted to kiss you last night.” Grace flushes pink and JJ chuckles as he brushes over her cheeks with his fingers. “I’ve wanted to kiss you every day since the first time you went out on the Pogue with us.”

“Then why didn’t you?”

“You were drunk and the whole thing with your parents is a lot. I didn’t want to risk doing this… us the wrong way.”

“Us?” Grace finally feels a flicker of hope. Maybe JJ does want to be with her.

“Well, I mean, I hope so. I remember the spark I felt when I touched your hand that night before you got out of the van. Then I couldn’t keep my eyes off of you. I’d catch myself watching you all the time when you were talking to one of the others. You would smile and I could feel my whole body relax. Sometimes I thought I could feel you watching me too. And then the other night… nobody has taken care of me the way you did. I finally felt peace when I fell asleep with you that night.”

“I felt that too. You’ve been my safe harbor during all of this. You’re the only person who has ever really known me…” Grace’s words fill JJ with confidence and hope.

“Can I… can I kiss you?”

Grace bits her bottom lip and nods shyly. JJ moves closer and brings his calloused hands up to cup her cheeks. He leans towards her and brushes his nose against hers. He pauses and stares into her eyes, searching for any reservations. She smiles slightly and moves the rest of the way to meet his lips. The kiss starts off soft and gentle. Grace brings her hands up, resting one in the crook of his neck while the other runs through his hair. He leans further into the kiss and probes along her mouth with his tongue. She obliges, opening her mouth to allow him entry. They get lost in the bliss of a perfect first kiss until they both need air. They rest their foreheads against each other, keeping eye contact as they catch their breath.

Taglist: @agirlwholovescoffee @alexa-playafricabytoto @mendesmaybank @teamnick @laurenyee09 @prejudic3 @teaheeee @shy-1234 @rudyismymanperiod @teaparadiso @ifilwtmfc @bxmaaa @qevon @lemur46

[haniawritesfiction]

Recent Reads-July/August 2021

The Psychology of Time Travel By Kate Mascarenhas

In a world where time travel was invented in the 1960s, two women become caught up in a murder that hasn't yet happened. For a book about time travel, The Psychology of Time Travel feels closer to realistic fiction than a sci-fi novel, honestly, if we ever invent time travel I could see this easily happening. For all that it technically a mystery, this book is more interested in the relationships, dysfunctions, and institutions that create these circumstances than the actual mystery. Don't go into this book expecting a murder mystery and you won't be disappointed. Mascarenhas masterfully uses pov's of minor characters to make this world feel truly immersive while never losing sight of her main characters, both of whom are flawed, fascinating, and very human. A great take on the time travel genre. -9/10

Devil's Ballast By Meg Caddy

A swashbuckling adventure focusing on the famed female pirate Anne Bonny. Devil's Ballast was.... a weird one. For a book that's meant to be a pirate adventure the pace is way too slow at times and then when it finally reaches the action, it rushes through it. The book also had a completely unnecessary pov of a pirate hunter that added absolutely nothing to the plot. I feel like I would've enjoyed the whole book way more if Anne herself had been more memorable, I'd just finished watching Black Sails, so Devil's Ballast's Anne Bonny and Jack Rackham are pretty boring in comparison to their Black Sails counterparts. But the part of the book that irked me the most was the romance. Anne spends the whole book seeming not that interested in Jack until the last second when he's her great love again. The strongest relationship in this book is the friendship between her and Mark Read, which was pretty cute and my favorite part of the whole book. -4/10

The Strangers Child By Alan Hollinghurst

In Edwardian England, while staying at a friend's house, a man writes a love poem that becomes famous. In the decades following, his family and friends are forced to live with his, and the poem's legacy. The Stranger's Child is an incredibly atmospheric book, with beautiful prose, but it felt like a bit of a letdown. Instead of an exploration of what if a famous love poem is actually gay, it's more of a meandering look at various moments in English history and the people living through it. There were chapters that just felt entirely pointless and there were only three sections that actually felt thematically linked. This book had so much potential, but it felt like the author's vision and the supposed premise were constantly at odds.-6/10

Crooked Kingdom By Leigh Bardugo

The sequel to Six Of Crows; political intrigue, gang wars, and magic all meet in the seedy underworld of Ketterdam. I read Six Of Crows about four months ago and mostly enjoyed it, though to be honest, I didn't quite get the hype. With this book, I get it. Crooked Kingdom weaves a complex and engaging plot to match it's superb worldbuilding and characters and I read it in one sitting. The fantasy elements were never too overwhelming nor predictable and the ending was the perfect amount of bittersweet. If you struggled through Six Of Crows, give this one a try, you'll find it hard to put down.-8/10

Circe By Madeline Miller

A re-imagining of an often maligned figure in ancient Greek mythology: the sorceress Circe. I had a massive greek mythology phase as a kid and so reading this was a blast. Miller's writing has an appropriately mythical feel, weaving multiple myths together to explore Circe's psyche. Circe herself manages to be incredibly likable despite her flaws and Miller expands her beyond her common depiction as a vindictive, promiscuous woman. Because of the nature of the plot, I feel like having basic knowledge of greek mythology enhances the reading experience, especially knowledge of the odyssey. To understand this Circe, it's important to understand the Circe of the odyssey and the way the common tropes of greek mythology are being deconstructed.-10/10

Honey Girl By Morgan Rogers

A young woman feels lost after getting her doctorate and runs off to spend the summer with a woman she got married to while drunk in Vegas. Honey Girl is not a romance novel or really your traditional romcom, instead, it is an exploration of family and coming of age in your twenties with a well-written love story at its center. From the prose and general atmosphere, this book has an almost magical feel, yet manages to feel incredibly raw and real. If you're burnt out on romcoms and want something that isn't too saccharine yet leaves you with that warm fuzzy feeling, this book is for you.-10/10

Bolla By Pajtim Statovci

In 1990s Kosovo, two men, a Serbian and an Albanian fall in love. Years later, the two men both struggle with the after-effects of the war and their circumstances. Bolla is not the sort of book that you can say you like, though I certainly didn't dislike it. The writing is fantastic and has a very unique quality (possibly due to the novel having been translated from Finish) yet Bolla is incredibly bleak. The romance presumably at the center of the novel is less of the focus and instead what anchors the two men's stories. Their relationship is over by chapter three and at first, I was honestly a little peeved that it got that little attention or description, however by the end of the book I honestly felt it worked. A haunting story of war and the human condition.-7/10

The Kingdoms By Natasha Pulley

When a man gets off a train in London, he can remember barely anything about himself or his life, except the sense that the reality he is faced with is wrong; Britain has been under occupation by the French since they won the Napoleonic wars 85 years ago. Determined to find out who he really is, he follows a century-old letter to an abandoned Scottish lighthouse and finds himself the key to winning a war that could change everything. The Kingdoms is a book that keeps on giving, just the premise of a Britain occupied by France is fascinating, but Pulley goes a step further weaving a complex plot that kept me on the edge of my seat. Her writing is fantastic and like the premise, it felt like entire books could be written about every single setting. The characters are also engaging, from Joe, our main character, who is just so immediately likeable, to Kit, a character who is the definition of morally grey. My only quibble is the female characters, who feel fairly underdeveloped and only really there to flesh out the male ones. -9/10

Cinderella is Dead By Kalynn Bayron

300 years after Cinderella found her happy ending her legacy has been twisted to create a dystopian life for the girls living in her kingdom. Four to five years ago, I think I would've really liked Cinderella is Dead; I mean it's a sapphic fairytale retelling! But my taste in books has changed a lot and this book just felt far too YA for me. The writing felt young, the characters underdeveloped and the plot cliched.-2/10

[dansnaturepictures]

23/10/2021-Blog 2 of 2: Short-eared Owl and more at Portland Bill 

Following on from my last post it was then onto Portland where we went to try and see the famous Short-eared Owls that can be seen in the field here having seen many reports of them seen here lately a bird we needed and really wanted to see this year. Hen Harrier and Merlin two more big raptors were reported too but we didn’t see either. Throughout our time at Portland today with it cloudy once more there was more very dramatic landscape scenery to take in with views well into the sea and lighthouses adding an extra element to it. As the time went on some sun rays poked through the clouds which did look stunning in this vast and open landscape as I have seen and photographed here before. I took the third-seventh and tenth pictures in this photoset of views at Portland this afternoon. 

Soon after arrival two gigantic Ravens barked their way over our heads and onto a building nearby in a spectacular close view of this enigmatic species I took the first two pictures in this photoset of one flying and one still. Kestrels dominated as we walked up the cliff and towards the area in the fields the Short-eared Owls are seen, with so many Kestrels hovering on and sailing though the considerable wind it was so good to see them. There were nice flowers here too such as a late knapweed and pink yarrow as I saw here last time, as well as hawksbeard type flowers, thistle, chamomile and I saw some carrot today I believe it was here but it might have been at Radipole Lake where we went first as my last post explains.

It turned into a windy wait for the Short-eared Owls being in view alongside a few other watchers being colder than I had been for some time and requiring my waterproof coat as a third layer to help combat the wind chill and a wholly hat for the first time in ages. It felt brilliant just being out in the elements for so long though. And after about an hour or so waiting it all became worth it as my Mum spotted a Short-eared Owl flying over! I and some others which pleased me got onto the bird in the binoculars and it was an incredible few minutes as it flew along the line of some buildings and out of view. Then I picked it up again further around and this creamy and striking raptor rose up getting mobbed by one of the many Kestrels which was special to see and not something I had before. It was then an image that will surely always stay with me as it rose so high that it appeared to be in line so that it was over the famous lighthouse in view as it flew back the way it had came. It then proceeded to settle on a gate for a bit and I was so in aw of seeing this brilliant bird. What a few minutes! I managed the record shot in the eighth picture in this photoset of this bird. It doesn’t feel exactly like it because the first two were November 2019 and January 2020 two winters ago with so much changing since but I have seen Short-eared Owl at Portland three years running which I am proud of for the place and species.

As bird species 183 of my 2021 this is without doubt one of the most important bird species of my year. It means I have seen 30 of my 31 favourite birds this year which is something that after I saw certain birds I might not every year Tawny Owl, Lesser Spotted Woodpecker and Black Guillemot I thought I wanted to aim for and to do it feels fantastic and shows how lucky I have been to see many of my favourite birds this year. The only favourite bird of mine I didn’t see this year and did not expect to as we didn’t go anywhere you might see one is Golden Eagle. The last time I managed to see all of my favourite birds in a year there were less species on my list of favourites and less birds there that were partly there because I dreamed of seeing them so they’re likely to be a rarer and/or harder to see one in a year so this feels like something big for me.

And what majorly helped me to do this and is just as important to me in its own right is this year is the first time ever I have seen all four species of owl I’ve seen in my life this year a family of birds of prey I love. This feels incredible as a very strong theme of my year. Little Owl, Barn Owl and Short-eared Owl we first saw in 2008 with subsequent sightings of Little Owl and Short-eared Owl that decade/into the last one. In 2014 and 2015 a regular Tawny Owl we saw at Mark Ash Wood in the New Forest brought this species I dreamed of seeing into our life. Then extraordinarily in the first few days of 2016 including with Little Owl at Portland and a Barn Owl seen from the car on the way back that day brought barn, little and short-eared owls back into our life and every year since I’ve seen at least two of the three with Barn Owl in all the years since 2016 as they are key members of a group of birds I have seen more of in recent years. So I was longing to see a Tawny Owl again and try and see all four and I am over the moon we have managed this seeing Little Owl three times in 2021. I am so pleased to be in a year of owls.

We warmed up with tea from a flask at the car as night approached at Portland with some nice mushrooms seen on the way back which I took the ninth picture in this photoset of and made the most of views around and being outdoors here. As we took in the stunning scenery of Chesil Beach leaving the Isle of Portland I felt amazing at having a fantastic autumn day out!

Part one of today at Radipole Lake where we headed after I had a dentist appointment this morning I posted about here: https://dansnaturepictures.tumblr.com/post/665875326335877120/23102021-blog-1-of-2-cattle-egrets-and-more

Wildlife Sightings Summary: My first of one of my favourite birds the Short-eared Owl this year, another of my favourite birds the Buzzard, Kestrel, a wonderful quite large group of Linnets flying around quite frequently, Jackdaw, Magpie well, Carrion Crow, Woodpigeon, a great view of a male Pheasant flying up and lots more Herring Gulls.

[flowercrown-bard]

Birds Still Sing When They Fall From The Sky

part 1  part 2  part 3  part 4 part 5 part 6 part 7 part 8 part 9 part 10 part 11 part 12 part 13 part 14 belongs to this

content warning: panic attack, detailed description of what it feels like to think a loved one might be dead, not knowing if a loved one is dead or alive, no major character death but it gets really damn close (that’s why i tagged it as such), something that might look like apoplexy (for someone not in the medical field), blood, mention of memory loss. not sure if it is a ‘dead dove: do not eat’ for anyone else, but it is for me, so i tagged it like that. It should be safe to read until “ The fabric muffled the no doubt indignant reply”. the next chapters probably won’t get any more light-hearted

almost 5k

Jaskier’s hands have always been beautiful. The way he waved them around when his voice wasn’t enough to express what he felt, the way he would use them to create music out of thin air, the way he would caress Geralt. Soft, smooth skin brushing over scarred one, then wrinkled and trembling fingers that weren’t so different from Geralt’s marred skin, though so much more beautiful still.

As Jaskier’s hands had turned into a canvas for hills and valleys, they had lost part of what they used to be able to do. Sure, he still talked using his hands, but the motions were smaller now for fear of his joints aching, out of tiredness and because Jaskier had hit his hands one too many times while talking animatedly, breaking and bruising the skin far too easily, leaving Geralt to finally return the favour of bandaging him up and pressing fleeting kisses to the bruised skin, knowing it wouldn’t chase away the pain, but at least it would curve Jaskier’s lips into a smile.

His fingers weren’t nimble and clever as they used to be. Jaskier had told Geralt so years ago, when he had admitted defeat in the same tone one would say that an old coat had served its time.

When Jaskier sat behind Geralt, braiding flowers into his hair, he was quieter than he used to be, needing all his concentration to get his fingers to work. It still wasn’t enough. The braids would be loose and the flowers would slip through the gaps, tumbling to the floor, surrounding them as if they were a young bridal pair.

Jaskier had stopped voicing his frustration with his hands some time ago, bearing the failure Geralt could see in his eyes with quiet disappointment, though Geralt never failed to tell him how proud he still was of him, picking up the flowers that had fallen and putting them behind Jaskier’s ears, before cupping Jaskier’s cheek gently.

“Beautiful,” he would whisper and kiss him, feeling Jaskier smile into their kiss.

For all the things Jaskier’s hands had unlearned, there were some that seemed to be so branded on his mind that even after all these years, despite wrinkles and trembling and bruises that bloomed as easily and unstoppably as dandelions, still came as naturally as breathing.

Geralt had seen such a thing before, back when Jaskier used to play the lute, his fingers finding the chords all on their own, without Jaskier needing to look or think about it, as though the motion was engraved into his very being.

This too, had faded with the calluses on Jaskier’s fingers. Geralt didn’t know when Jaskier had picked up the lute for the last time. He wished he did. It should have been something to never forget, a memory to treasure.

Now he could only assume it had been just like any other time Jaskier had played, beautiful, but something that would surely happen again. Had Geralt listened to the notes, not knowing it would be the last time he would ever hear them? Or had he been too preoccupied with something else to even listen properly, not knowing that he was missing the last chance to take in what he was about to lose.

Flowers fell, braids came undone even before they were finished and the lute stood propped up but silent next to the bookshelf where a half-finished notebook would never be filled, because the hands that used to give it life didn’t have the control to hold a quill anymore.

All of this had once been unthinkable to picture Jaskier without. And to think, out of all the things his hands had unlearned, the one thing they still knew, was how to make Geralt feel loved. How to smooth out the crease in his brow, how to slip into Geralt’s hand and hold it tight, how to undo the tangles that most likely have been put there by Jaskier himself.

Geralt closed his eyes and leaned back against the edge of the bathtub, letting himself get lost in the feeling of Jaskier’s fingers brushing through his wet hair, occasionally stopping to let his hands linger on Geralt’s cheeks.

Jaskier’s soft chattering filled the air, as it always did when they sat in the tub together like this. No silence was needed for concentration; this was something that came to Jaskier as easily as if he was born to hold Geralt like this; gently, lovingly, telling him with each touch that he cared.

Therein lay the beauty of this. This wasn’t just Geralt washing Jaskier, helping him out of necessity because Jaskier wasn’t able to bend his elbows enough to rinse out his own hair or reach his own shoulders to scrub there. This was something they did for each other, something they had done long before age had forced it onto Geralt. The calm intimacy of washing each other had been a choice they had made for themselves to show the other that even though they could do it on their own, they didn’t have to, because they had someone with them who cared and would take care of them.

Geralt relished the way Jaskier’s hand stilled in his hair more and more often, whenever Jaskier’s mind sprung another topic onto him that he needed to tell Geralt about, his voice never faltering, even when his hands did.

Jaskier reached for the soap that was drifting in the water between them.

“Are you happy?” The words came unbidden to Geralt, yet they were the most important thing he could say. For all that Jaskier talked and smiled and caressed his face, Geralt needed to hear him say it.

Jaskier dropped the soap and tilted his head to the side as if Geralt was a puzzle he was trying to solve. “I’m with you, aren’t I?”

“That’s not a real answer.”

“Yes, it is.”

He resumed running his fingers through Geralt’s tresses, though there were no more tangles left, the soap forgotten.

Geralt’s eyes didn’t leave his, as Jaskier picked up his chatter again, letting the sound wash over him without really knowing what was being said.

As Geralt was letting the water gently slosh between them, Jaskier’s words drifting in and out of his consciousness, as they did Jaskier’s, Geralt felt himself wishing they could stay like this forever, in this moment where it was just the two of them, making sure the other was cared for. If Geralt could collect a moment in a bottle like sorceresses did lightning, this would be the one.

But the humid air was hot and Geralt could hear a faint rattling accompanying each breath Jaskier took, the steam of the bath battling with his lungs.

Geralt’s chest heaved with a heavy sigh.

“We should get out now,” he said, letting a teasing smile curve his lips. “Before my skin gets all wrinkly.”

Jaskier gasped in outrage and clutched the hand that only moments before had been in Geralt’s hair against his heart. “Oh no, wrinkly skin - heavens forbid! What a tragedy that would be!”

For good measure, Jaskier splashed some water after Geralt, who got out of the tub with an amused huff and went over to the bed to get his towel, taking his time drying himself. It wouldn’t hurt to let Jaskier enjoy some more moments in the water, before Geralt would help him get out, subjecting him to the cold air once more.

Putting on his trousers, Geralt raised an unimpressed eyebrow at the water that now formed a sad puddle in front of the tub.

“You are worse than a drowner,” he said, shaking his head fondly, before pulling his shirt over his head.

The fabric muffled the no doubt indignant reply; Jaskier’s voice sounding strangely lazy, as though his tongue was too heavy to form the words correctly, followed by more splashing.

“That’s not going to win you the argument,” Geralt said, a grin on his face as he turned back to Jaskier. His grin dropped. “Jaskier, what are you doing, sit back down. I’ll help you in a minute.”

Jaskier didn’t listen, or maybe didn’t hear. He swayed where he stood in the water, one hand on the rim of the tub barely enough to steady him.

“Jaskier?” his heart jumped into his throat. “Are you alright?”

A gaping hole opened up inside Geralt’s stomach, as Jaskier’s heart shuddered; a skipped beat where there shouldn’t be one.

“Jaskier, wait! Sit back down.”

He frantically tried to stuff his arm into the sleeve of his shirt faster, only managing to tangle himself up. He was wasting precious time, though he didn’t know what would happen if he was too slow. He didn’t want to find out.

Jaskier’s mouth formed words that never passed his lips. Had one of them been ‘Help’?

Geralt’s pupils turned to slits. It was like time was frozen around him. He dropped the towel he had still been holding, rushing to Jaskier’s side, but he knew what was about to happen, knew he would be too late, even before Jaskier swung his leg out of the tub, his foot landing in the puddle, slipping as if it were ice.

Geralt heard a sharp intake of breath – his? Jaskier’s? – as Jaskier’s hand lost its grip on the tub.

Agonizingly slowly, Jaskier fell, and yet Geralt was slower still. He saw blue eyes widen in shock, a mouth open in a silent gasp, before the splitting crack of Jaskier hitting the floor shattered through the room.

“No, no no, Jaskier!”

Geralt heared himself shouting as though from far away, felt his knees hitting the floor, as he cradled Jaskier’s head.

Blue eyes blinked up at him, confused, not understanding a single thing. And yet fixed on Geralt, as if he was the only thing worth looking at, a lighthouse in a raging storm, when really, he had wasted time, had not done anything to keep Jaskier safe.

“I’ve got you,” he said frantically, his cracking voice too loud, too rushed. “You are safe, Jask. I’ve got you.”

What a beautiful lie, made crueller yet by the faint smile that graced Jaskier’s lips. The puddle Jaskier was lying in turned slowly pink, the iron stench of blood hitting Geralt like a punch in the gut, clashing with the sweet smell of the soap dripping from Jaskier’s hair.

And still Jaskier’s eyes remained on him. With what seemed like an unimaginable effort, Jaskier lifted his arm. It shook helplessly, couldn’t find what it was reaching for. Geralt grasped his hand, his mouth twisting into a grimace at the barely-there pulse beneath his fingers.

He didn’t think. His body moved on its own, as he grabbed the dropped blanket, wrapping Jaskier in it and gathering him into his arms.

Jaskier was so light. He shouldn’t be so light, when it was his life Geralt was carrying.

He didn’t have time to put on shoes, didn’t have the presence of mind to care about the sharp edges of the stones on the path cutting into his feet.

His mind was screaming at him, overshadowing all other thoughts. Get Jaskier to safety. You can’t let him die!

Dark edges crept up on his vision, his heart hammering against his ribs, fighting to burst free of its confides, his breath stagnant. He was back in Rinde, carrying an unconscious Jaskier who was hurt because of him, who had blood dripping out of his mouth, who was dying.

Where was the damn healer? Why was there no one who could help him? Jaskier was dying damn it!

A cough shook Geralt, jostled Jaskier in his arms, as his voice gave out, scratching at his dry throat. Still, he continued to call for help. Someone needed to hear him. Someone needed to know what to do.

Geralt didn’t. He was small again, a child, alone and afraid and unable to do anything. He needed help.

“Geralt.”

A hand touched his shoulder. The voice sounded as if it was coming through a fog, Geralt’s heart too loud in his own ears. Too loud even to let him hear Jaskier’s heartbeat. If there even was a heartbeat to hear anymore.

“Come with me.”

He followed the tug on his shoulder, let himself be guided he knew not where. All he knew was that he couldn’t let Jaskier die. And that he didn’t know how to do that.

He was ushered through a door. There were voices around him, people. It was too loud. He couldn’t hear a thing. He couldn’t hear Jaskier’s breathing.

He could only see his eyes on him. Blue, so blue and so full of trust that he didn’t deserve. Jaskier’s mouth was moving, no words coming out, as if a djinn had finally granted Geralt his wish. His eyes were so damn soft. Why was he still smiling at Geralt?

Someone pulled on Jaskier, pulling him away from Geralt. He bared his teeth, clutched Jaskier tighter. He couldn’t let go. He couldn’t –

“Geralt, please.” That voice again. It was familiar, safe, grounding. “You need to let him go. They are healers. They are going to help him. He is safe now.”

The dark edges receded. Ever so slowly, Geralt’s vision returned to him, let him see more than just Jaskier. Kris was standing next to him, their touch never leaving Geralt, gently prying his arms open.

When the healer approached Geralt again, reaching out for Jaskier, Geralt let them take him.

It felt something slip away with Jaskier. Geralt’s fingers clenched helplessly on his sides, as Jaskier was laid on a bed, out of reach from him – as if Geralt’s touch had ever done him any good.

But he needed – he needed –

The hand on his shoulder was back, stopping him. “Let them work.”

“But Jaskier –“ his voice broke off. One of the healers stepped closer to Jaskier, blocking Geralt’s view of him.

What if Jaskier’s unfocused eyes were still searching for him? What if he needed him and Geralt wasn’t there and he couldn’t help and Jaskier would die surrounded by strangers?

The healers were talking, asking questions Jaskier couldn’t answer. Geralt heard his teeth clatter as his mouth worked to form words. He heard the shift of the mattress when Jaskier dripped to the side, unable to hold himself straight, even lying down as he was. He saw the healers rush to stabilise him, while Geralt could do nothing but stand to the side and entrust Jaskier’s life into the hands of these strangers.

He found Jaskier’s eyes again.

One healer turned to Geralt, his face serious. Why wasn’t she looking at Jaskier? She shouldn’t be talking to Geralt when Jaskier was right there, needing help.

Somewhere in a corner of his mind, he registered that he was being asked questions. What happened? How long has he been like this? Are there any other illnesses we should know about?

An uncalled for sense of relief settled in Geralt’s chest. This, he could do.

His mouth opened without much thought, his voice steadier and surer than it had any right to be, when his hands were still shaking, still wishing for a sword to hold, so that he could protect Jaskier.

Geralt answered the questions, telling the healer all he knew. What if it wasn’t enough? He wrecked his brain searching desperately for more information. Jaskier had always said he was stingy with the details, had joked about it.

This was no joke. How could Jaskier have ever made fun of something that might one day cost him his life?

So Geralt kept talking. He had never understood Jaskier’s need to fill every silence. Now, talking was like a lifeline for Geralt. So long as he kept his mouth moving, kept giving details, he was useful.

The puddle on the floor, the skip of his heart, the blood like the red sky at dawn.

Except, he realised with a clarity that turned his blood to ice, he hadn’t noticed the details. He had not the slightest idea how long Jaskier’s body had been building up to this, how long Jaskier had screamed silently at him to notice.

Had the lingering hands that had forgotten their task been an intimate touch or a sign of what was to come, a sign Geralt had been too blind to see?

The lifeline came to an end and Geralt’s voice faded into deafening silence again. There was no more he could say.

A rattling sound burst through the silence. Like the breath in Jaskier’s lungs when the steam if the water had called him to leave. Only louder. So much louder and so much more final.

Then ear-shattering silence.

Utter chaos, as the healer on Geralt’s side rushed back to Jaskier, following calm instructions from the others. One voice above all, Geralt’s own voice, calling out Jaskier’s name. He needed him to hear. If this was the last thing Jaskier ever heard, it should be Geralt’s voice; he should know that he wasn’t alone, that Geralt was here, he was here and he needed him –

He hadn’t realised he had stepped forward again, the need to see Jaskier, to hold his hand, hold his body close to his own, overwhelming him until a hand pressed against his chest, holding him back.

“You need to leave,” the stranger said, calm and commanding. “We need space to work.”

Geralt was harming Jaskier just by being here. He knew he had to leave. He knew. But his body wouldn’t obey.

A gentle hand – too smooth, no wrinkles, no lute calluses, not fitting like it was meant to belong in Geralt’s hand – took him by the wrist, dragging him away.

While Geralt’s legs moved like the limbs of a stranger, he could hear the voices of the healers picking up again and beneath it all a heartbeat and shallow breaths.

The walk home felt so much shorter than it had before. He had been running, had done his best to get Jaskier to a healer as quickly as he could and still, walking back slowly, dreading the moment he sat foot in their quiet home again, felt like it passed in the blink of an eye.

Kris opened the door for him and gently guided Geralt inside, pushing him onto a chair.

If felt suffocating. Hollow.

The sounds Kris made as they rummaged through the kitchen were all wrong. There was no humming, no senseless chatter, no scraping of a quill against parchment.

Geralt’s hands shook. A quill. Where did Jaskier keep his damned quill?

He barely registered the scraping of the chair against the floor as he pushed back from the table, opening cabinets and drawers until he finally found what he was looking for.

He needed to get Yennefer, needed to write her a letter telling her she needed to come, now.

His hands shook too much. This letters looked almost like Jaskier’s writing did by now, unintelligible, useless except for the fact that they were made by Jaskier. What if Jaskier wouldn’t ever pick up a quill and write again? Wouldn’t do anything ever again?

The trembling in his hands got worse. He tightened his grip on the quill, felt it crack beneath his fingers, watched the ink spill over the few useless, frantic lines he had managed to write.

“Let me.”

Kris pried Geralt’s fingers open, taking the broken quill with them.

“Yennefer,” Geralt managed to croak. His throat was dry, but his voice didn’t shake. It was rough, but no rougher than usual, as if everything was normal. It should be shaking, it should be tight and choked, but it sounded so damn calm. “She has to come. She can help.”

Something was placed on the table before him.

“I’ll see what I can do,” Kris said, their voice a bastion of calm. “You should try to calm down. Here, drink this. It will help.”

The mug was pressed into his hands. Tea. The nauseating scent of camomile.

“No,” Geralt grunted. He couldn’t do this.

He needed – he had to do something. He wasn’t made to sit idly while people were dying. He needed to move, to be useful to prove to himself that he wasn’t fucking helpless.

Kris’ eyes were boring into his back, as Geralt left them behind. He didn’t know where his still bare feet were carrying him until he heard the quiet splash, when they hit water. The bath.

Almost mechanically he grabbed towels and sank to his knees, soaking up the water, scrubbing at the bloodstains it left on the floor. It needed to be clean for if - when Jaskier came back. He would fondly scold Geralt for getting blood all over their stuff. He had done so often enough and still pressed his own precious doublet against Geralt’s wounds when there were no bandages around.

Only now it wasn’t Geralt being hurt.

Jaskier’s blood dyed Geralt’s hands red, looking almost like the ink stains on Jaskier’s fingers whenever inspiration hit too forcefully to restrain his writing flow.

Geralt told himself the spilled blood was no worse than spilled ink, erasing carefully crafted words, erasing the illusion of the safe life they had pretended to lead.

His breath hitched and his throat got tight. In this room, Jaskier had tried to speak to him, his tongue unable to form words. What might have been the last thing Jaskier would ever say to Geralt and he hadn’t been able to understand him.

The dark splotches from before returned to his vision, but now they were red. Red, red, red. Like the blood that wouldn’t come off.

He needed to scrub it away. Nothing bad could happen while he was moving. Jaskier had always been moving, always flittering like a bird, always in motion as if his life was too short and he needed to cram all of his movement in as little time as possible.

He had been so still when he had been lying here, with barely enough strength to lift his hand. And still he had used the energy he needed to touch Geralt. To smile at him. So be near him.

A sob wrecked Geralt’s body, his head bend low and his eyes squeezed shut. He couldn’t think of that now. He couldn’t think of what might have been Jaskier’s last smile. But he couldn’t make himself banish it from his thoughts.

Had Jaskier known what was happening? Had he known this might be the last Geralt would ever see of him and decided to make it as beautiful a sight as possible?

And what had Geralt done? He had scowled and shouted and panicked, making Jaskier see him at his worst. The guilt of it came crushing down on him, pressing against his chest and making it impossible to breathe. He gasped for air, but none would fill his lungs.

“Breathe, Geralt.” Kris’ voice, suddenly close again was not as calming as Jaskier’s would have been. “I need you to focus. What can you feel? Hear? See?”

Water. Water and blood drying on his skin. Kris’s presence right behind him, not touching but close enough to feel the heat of his body radiating. The cold tiles beneath him. The cuts on his feet that he had pushed out of his mind until now.

Kris’ breathing and his own. Two heartbeats.

The towel in his hand, pink with blood.

“There you are,” Kris said quietly, pulling the rest of his mind back to the here and now. “Let me take that.”

“No. I need to get the blood off. The water – Jaskier can’t slip again.” Still, his hands released the towel without protests when Kris reached for it.

“It’s all gone, Geralt. You’ve done all you could.” Geralt let himself get dragged to his feet. “There’s nothing left to do but wait.”

“I can’t- “ His voice broke off when the truth of Kris’ words set in. The floor was clean. Jaskier was in capable hands, hands other than Geralt’s.

“Come on, get some rest. You need it.”

“I need to help Jaskier.”

He could feel Kris’ eyes on him, unable to return the look, knowing that it would be the wrong pair of eyes he would find.

“You have helped him. Now it’s time to help yourself.” They guided him to the kitchen table, sat him down again. The mug with the tea wasn’t there anymore. “I made something to eat.”

Geralt expected the food to taste stale. It didn’t make sense for anything to be good right now, but he couldn’t deny that it felt good eating something warm and hearty. Kris ushered him out of the kitchen when Geralt got up to do the dishes, saying that he had worked enough for the day, that they would take care of it.

Geralt hadn’t realised how dark it had already gotten, until Kris told him to go to bed.

Sleep didn’t come that night. Geralt kept tossing and turning, aching to put his arms around someone who wasn’t there and bury his face in the crook of their neck until all tension left his body. But Jaskier was in another bed, in another house, with strangers who were doing their best to make sure Jaskier wouldn’t fall into a sleep he wouldn’t wake up from.

It was no use trying to meditate. He was too restless, his mind alternating between going completely blank and running overdrive.

There was a cold draft coming in through the window. Jaskier would have shivered if he had been here, using it as an excuse to snuggle against Geralt, as though Geralt’s arms weren’t always open for him.

Was Jaskier cold now? Had the healers given him clothes or was he still wrapped in only the towel?

Geralt’s fingers itched with the need to get up, to do something. He went to their wardrobe, gathering things Jaskier would need. Geralt had always poked fun at Jaskier for packing too much, but now, facing the impossible task of finding what Jaskier would want, he understood.

A new set of clothes. And another, just in case. A book for when Jaskier woke up and was bored. His glasses. Would Jaskier need something pretty to keep dark thoughts at bay? Another blanket?

He had come out of the warm water, he must be so cold. So cold, with no one to hold him, only death offering its icy embrace.

The night dragged on infinitively. Kris found Geralt in the morning, still sitting on the floor, debating over what to bring Jaskier.

Geralt’s heart beat faster than it had in years, when Kris finally deemed him ready to go back to the healers, after forcing him to eat some more.

The sight of Jaskier shattered something in his chest. He looked so small, so vulnerable lying there with one healer by his side, reapplying the bandage on his arm where a long gash was mocking Geralt. At least, he wore clothes again. They were too big, too dull in colour and Jaskier would surely have the time of his life complaining about them once he woke up again. If he ever did so.

No, Geralt couldn’t allow himself to think such things, not now, when he was close to Jaskier again. It was different in the solace of his own company, where no one else would be affected by his strangling thoughts.

Geralt’s body moved on its own, taking Jaskier’s hand in his – so thin, so breakable – and caressing his knuckles, feeling the steady beat of Jaskier’s heart drum in his wrist.

A raspy breath escaped Geralt. Jaskier’s fingers twitched in his, his breath was deep and his heart was beating as it should. Yet his eyes were still closed.

Geralt didn’t leave his side. Wouldn’t ever do so again.

When the healers came to bring Jaskier food, Geralt took it from them with barely a word, cradling Jaskier’s head and giving him the soup as gently as he could, wiping away the drops that clung to his lips and ran down to his chin.

Geralt remained sitting by Jaskier’s side, brushing sweat drenched strands of hair from his forehead and talking to him quietly when Jaskier’s brows drew together in his sleep, Geralt’s name on his lips. Praying to gods he didn’t believe in that Jaskier would be fine.  

He didn’t know how much time had passed. It felt like an eternity. It felt like no time at all.

Finally, in a moment that to the world was as insignificant as any other, but that to Geralt felt as if his entire world had shifted, Jaskier opened his eyes.

Sluggishly, they drifted across the room, aimless and confused until they settled on Geralt and the tiniest smile crinkled the skin around his eyes.

Something burst in Geralt’s chest, a relief he hadn’t dared hope for, flooding him. Jaskier was awake. He was back.

His hand was still weak in Geralt’s and his lips didn’t form words yet. Geralt didn’t know what was to come, but for now, Jaskier’s eyes were open and looking at him with a smile and in this moment, that was all that Geralt could ever wish for.

[ninja-go-to-therapy]

Day 1: Past

@ninjago-angst-week 

Reminiscing about the past leads to painful discoveries.

Trigger Warnings: mention of death

This takes place between seasons 2 and 3

1434 words

Zane stared down at his memory switch, his fingers ghosting over it. He would never flip it, of course, but he couldn’t help but think about the two times it had been flipped. The first time by his father, turning Zane into nothing more than a blank slate.

The second time by Zane himself.

He remembered the feeling that had come with the memories that had flooded his mind all at once. It was overwhelming and happy and sad and too much and too little all at the same time. He’d almost wanted to vomit.

He didn’t even know if it was possible for him to vomit, but the feeling had been there all the same.

At the time, he’d been happy to rediscover the life he had once lived, if not shocked. Overwhelmed. But now… now he frequently found himself almost… upset about it.

His father had forced him to forget years of his life, and for what? To spare him the grief? He hadn’t even asked him. He had just… done it.

Zane had never wanted to forget. He had wanted to do so many things, he had wanted to remember his father forever, he had wanted and wanted and wanted. 

His father hadn’t cared what he had wanted.

His father had only cared about himself.

No, that was unfair. His father had been dying, he hadn’t been in his right mind. In almost every other memory Zane had of him, his father had been good to him.

But there were times. Fuzzy spots in his memory banks that Zane didn’t like one bit. He hated to think of his father badly, especially now that he was well and truly dead, but… he hadn’t treated Zane well. Not always.

It was a startlingly painful realization to come to.

And the fact that he was a robot, and he just… hadn’t known? It was his own body! How could his father do that to him?

He’d come to terms with it, by now. Lloyd had defeated the Overlord, Zane’s father had died, and life was moving on. Soon, he and his brothers would be teaching young children at a school. He was content. Really, he was.

So why did he feel so… angry?

Yes, he realized, he was angry. He was angry at his father, despite the fact that he was dead. Did that make him a bad person? To hold a grudge against a ghost wouldn’t get him anywhere.

But he didn’t care. It wouldn’t have gotten him anywhere when his father was alive, either. It would never get him anywhere. That only made him angrier.

He didn’t care that he was a robot. He cared that it had taken him so many years to know.

He slid to the floor, suddenly unable to catch his breath.

He needed to clear his head. He needed to… he needed to get out for a bit.

He left a note on the kitchen counter, hastily scribbled in pen. And then he left.

---

Zane didn't quite know what to expect when he docked at the lighthouse. His previous visit had been very short, after all.

He opened the door, expecting to find months worth of dust. He was surprised, to say the least, to find that this was not true. Instead, the area, while it was far from perfect condition, almost looked like it had been in use.

On his guard, now, Zane continued inside. For the sake of whoever had invaded his father's previous home, they better not have still been here.

Almost immediately, he heard a creek from up the stairs. He froze, listening for any other sounds. For a moment, he was almost starting to think he’d imagined it.

And then something clanged.

Zane bolted up the stairs, distantly heating frantic footsteps coming from above.

“Stop!” he yelled, rounding a corner on the staircase.

Whoever it was paid him no attention, they just kept going.

Zane burst into the top room, ready for a fight. Nobody was there.

“Show yourself!” He demanded. “What are you doing in my father’s lighthouse?”

From in the closet, he heard a dull thud.

Before he could get any closer, the door very slowly creaked open.

“Did you say your father?” asked a small, timid voice.

Zane approached, but froze when he saw what almost looked like a mirror image of himself. Only this one was rustier, smaller-looking, and his arm was on the floor beside him.

“Who... who are you?” Zane asked.

“I am Zane, built to protect those who cannot protect themselves. But, father called me Echo.”

His father had built another nindroid. Zane had a brother. And his father had never mentioned him.

“Are you Zane?” Echo asked, unsteadily getting to his feet. Zane nodded numbly. “Oh! Father talked about you all the time! I’m sorry for running before. Father always said I shouldn’t show myself to… visitors.” Echo frowned for a moment, deep in thought. But then he brightened. “Have you brought him with you?”

Their father had died without even telling him of his brother’s existence. Why had he not brought Echo when they had found him initially? He could have rotted here! Probably would have, if Zane hadn’t shown up.

“He has… passed, recently,” Zane said, his heart plummeting even further at the absolutely shattered look on his brother’s face.

Echo must have been waiting every day since their father had left the lighthouse. He must have waited, hoped, truly thought that his father would return. Zane didn’t know how his brother hadn’t lost his mind with all that waiting.

He couldn’t think of that, though. They had too much to talk about.

---

“It’s okay,” Zane said, “they’ll love you.”

The two had talked while packing up the lighthouse, and then the whole way back, too. This time, Zane had personally ensured that nobody was left behind.

“You’re sure?” Echo asked, fidgeting nervously.

Tai-D beeped encouragingly.

Echo gave a small smile. “Okay… okay. If you’re certain.”

“Trust me,” Zane said, giving Echo’s hand a small squeeze. “I am. Wait right here, I will bring you in momentarily.” With that, he slipped through the door.

Echo waited nervously, bouncing on the balls of his feet. Honestly, he was just grateful that all of his limbs were staying attached. Usually by now, he would have at least lost a foot.

Tai-D beeped at him again.

“You think so?” Echo asked, his smile widening when Tai-D beeped again. “Thank you! I’m sure they’ll love you, too.”

The door opened back up, and Zane waved him in with an encouraging smile. Echo took a breath, steeled himself, and entered.

His brother’s friends — the ninja — gasped.

“He looks so much like you!” the one in blue breathed. “Hi! I’m Jay!” he exclaimed, thrusting out his hand excitedly for Echo to shake.

“I am Echo,” he said, shaking Jay’s hand and smiling shyly at all the attention now on him.

The others went around introducing themselves. It was easy to remember some of the names, like Cole. He was the master of earth, so the association made it simple. Lloyd was easy, too, because he liked that it had two Ls.

They were all very friendly, and just as Zane had described them to be. Echo had expected to feel more overwhelmed, but the ninja were so welcoming that, even in the few minutes he’d been here, he felt accepted. He felt happy.

He liked that. He liked feeling happy.

---

Zane was happier than anything that his journey had led him to discovering his brother. But now he just… he just had so many more questions. His father would have mentioned Echo if he’d thought him to be important. Hell, he would have brought him along in the first place when they’d rescued him! So did that mean… his father just didn’t care?

Echo looked just like Zane, even technically shared his name. Was Echo meant to be a replacement? The thought almost sickened him. Had their father ever cared about either of them? Or were they just his little robot projects?

Zane sat down, putting his head in his hands. He was so confused. He wished their father was still alive, if only so he could demand answers.

But Echo… he didn’t want Echo to ever feel like that. Like he wasn’t worth something, like he wasn’t his own person. Zane would keep his brother safe. He wouldn’t let his past define him.

If that meant letting him believe that their father had been a good man? Well, there were worse lies to tell.

[joon-ipersgirl]

O4 - “the cynical contract”

genre: mafia!au, angst, fluff, slow burn, mystery-thriller

pairing: namjoon x reader (f)

summary: charismatic. beautiful. fearless without question. the ambitious team of seven young men in charge of spiral, downtown district’s hottest new club, go above and beyond to provide 100% satisfaction to their clients. 

after an eventful night out, you have no choice but to join the team for property damages greater than your intern salary. challenging a series of events that can no longer be left to coincidence, secrets threaten to burst at the seams as your professional and private life collide, and another - more sinister - debt is added to your total. 

how far are you willing to go to pay back your pound of flesh? remember, nothing is ever as it seems...

word count: 2.7k

warnings: cursing

a/n: part four is here! this is a lot shorter than i thought it was going to be for some reason. more interactions with the boys and some important conversations. not much else to say except enjoy this part, thank you vi for reading all of my shit, and look out for the next part in 2 weeks! thank youu. 

full masterlist // series masterlist // previous // next

The beaming Saturday sun burns down on the top of your head as you stand outside of Spiral. It looks almost the same in the day time as it does in the night time, except there’s no line stretching around the corner. Its unlit sign still stands tall as if it’s a lighthouse guiding ships home - if ships were overly stressed people looking for a way to drink their problems away. No one is out on the street as most of the businesses on this particular street operate during the night. You don’t linger and push open the heavy, newly-covered leather door and descend the stairs.

Though it’s high noon outside, the staircase is just as dark as if you’d come in on a Saturday night. The ever-familiar heat is pleasant as you loosen the scarf from your neck. It seems as though Suga is renovating the place. Circular mirrors line the wall and you catch a glimpse of your damp curls in their reflection. You probably should have used a blow dryer. Another heavy door greets you and you heave it open.

“Hey! Watch the new chairs Tae!” Honcho yells as he carries a small table over.

“Yeah, yeah. They’ll be fine!” Tae, the DJ, calls back. His bubblegum pink hair flops as he drops the chairs to the ground.

It seems you’re right. Though much of the layout is still the same, Spiral is taking on a whole new look. The booths have been covered in new leather, black marble tables have replaced the glass ones, and the black tiles are so clear that you can easily see your reflection. The dance floor and bar look very much the same except for some new shelving that you guess were damaged during last month’s commotion. Overall, the design is pretty much the same with a few new touches added here and there.

“If it isn’t our favorite little sharpshooter,” Honcho calls out to you from across the room. You flash him a fake smile.

“Yes. If I do remember correctly, my shooting saved your life so,” you trail off.

“It also cost you a lot of money too. Are you here to repay your debt?” he counters, his grin never leaving his face.

“As a matter of fact, I am.” Both men raise their eyebrows. “If you’ll excuse me gentlemen, it seems as though you still have some work to finish,” you say with a chuckle before making your way to the spiral staircase by the bar.

“Is she always like this?” you hear Tae ask.

“As far as I’ve seen, yes,” Honcho replies.

You grin as you continue up the stairs. The second level has also gone under some renovation as you realize it’s much larger than you’d noticed before. More booths have been added as well as another small dance floor. As you poke your head around the familiar leather door of Suga’s office at the end of the walkway, you realize that it too has been changed into some sort of upper-class VIP room with its own miniature bar. You enter and run your fingers along the smooth bar top surface, the bottles of alcohol lined up neatly on top of it. The books previously housed in the bookshelf have been removed and replaced with various displays of empty bottles of alcohol. An upscale, artistic graveyard if you will.

“Do you like what you see?” You spin around and knock over one of the cute little spiral lamp fixtures on the side table with your open coat. Shit. Min laughs as he leans against the door frame, his smile as bright as ever. “I think that’ll be added to your total,” he chuckles.

“It wasn’t on purpose!” you groan, throwing your head back in annoyance.

“Is that how you always sound when you’re flustered?” He grins as he takes another step into the room. You can feel the blood rise in your cheeks as you try to respond.

“Cat got your tongue, Y/N?” You narrow your eyes at him.

“I came to see Suga, but I guess this isn’t his office anymore,” you tell him in a huff. Min shakes his head with a smile.

“Mhmm, never really was,” he hums. “We’re redecorating for a new opening. Do you like it?”

He’s in front of you now, the space between you much smaller than it’s ever been and you’re acutely aware of the soft waft of his cologne. Min is unbelievably attractive in a way that was almost ethereal. His silver hair is just as polished and his eyes sparkle even more in the natural sunlight from the large bay windows. The same silver rings adorn his hands as before and you bite your lip hard to not comment on how wonderful his arms look crossed against his chest in his pristine white T-shirt. Squaring your shoulders, you set your jaw stubbornly. You will not fall victim to his airy charms.

“It’s alright,” you lie and shrug your shoulders. “You should probably get rid of the graveyard though,” you say while pointing to the bookcase. Min laughs again.

“It’s a work in progress, Y/N. You’ll come to see my artistic vision eventually,” he says with a smile so alluring, you feel your breath catch in your chest.

“Ah, so you work here now? I was wondering why you were always hanging around,” you comment, trying to stay calm.

“So you’ve noticed me? How sweet,” he murmurs. His fingers brush against your cheek gently and you swallow deeply. “Come on, Kitten. I’ll bring you to Suga.”

He runs his fingers down your arm before slipping his hands in yours, lacing your fingers together. The whole ordeal felt quite intimate and your ears heat up as you follow him out of the room. Instead of walking down the usual walkway, Min makes a left out the door and down a tiny hallway you hadn’t noticed before. He pushes open a smaller leather door, tells you to watch your step, and pulls you up the dark narrow stairs. Was Spiral truly this big?

Min pushes another door open before you’re on what you assume was the third level. Though you know you’d gone further upstairs, it’s just as dark as the lower levels. The hallway is much shorter here and fewer rooms are available. You count a total of three doors as Min drags you towards the one at the furthest end of the hall.

“Are we accepting the Gonzalez’ contract or should we send them a new invoice?”

“Hmm, let me read over it again. There was something I didn’t really like about -” Moon and Suga’s conversation stops abruptly as Min pokes his head around the door, his body shielding you from view.

“Is everything okay?” you hear Moon ask.

“Wonderful actually. Seems like we’ve got a guest to see Suga,” Min replies as he pushes the door open further to reveal you. You smile and send a small wave towards them.

This office is quite similar to its counterpart downstairs; the same large floor to ceiling windows are present along with the large mahogany desk. Instead of only being on one side of the room, two full length bookshelves line the walls. A small wooden coffee table sits in the middle of the room with four leather chairs positioned around it, a bottle of whiskey in the centre accompanied by matching glasses. Though this space seems to be new, it feels significantly more lived in than the one downstairs.

“We did have a meeting, didn’t we Kid?” Suga asks. He sets the iPad down on the desk in front of Moon who’s sitting behind it, his feet propped up as though he’s at home.

“Yes, we did,” you tell him while nodding.

“Seems like Min has grown on you, huh Y/N?” Moon gestures to your hands with a grin. You yank your hand from Min’s grip and step away from him as you stare at Moon with a scowl. Min chuckles beside you seemingly unfazed by your actions.

“Seems like you’re still ever the dickhead, huh Moon?” You plop down in a leather chair and mimic his position, your heavy Doc Martens propped up on the stout wooden table. You stare at each other. Moon’s grin widens as he drops his feet and leans across the desk.

“All for you sweetheart,” he replies. You flash him a fake smile before turning to Suga.

“So, are you going to kick him out of your office so we can talk business or what?” you ask. Min and Moon’s laughter rings out in the room. “I hadn’t realized I had said something funny,” you say with a frown.

“Kid, you can’t just waltz in -”

“-  It’s fine, Suga. You did say she had a meeting with you. Business right?” Moon stands up from behind the desk and picks up the iPad. “I’ll drop by your office later about that invoice,” he continues. Suga grunts in acknowledgement before sitting down in the recently vacated chair.

Moon glances at you as he continues towards the door.You can’t help but notice the way the muscles in his thighs flex under his dark wash jeans as he walks. You also try to ignore how broad his chest looks under his white t-shirt and flannel. Glancing up at his face, his eyes meeting yours before he grins down at you again. How have you never noticed his dimples before?

“See you later, Y/N ,” he says while brushing his hand against your shoulder. You tense and he chuckles as he calls for Min to follow him.

“Bye, Kitten,” Min whispers in your ear before kissing your cheek gently. You inhale sharply and hope it wasn't noticeable. “See you later boss!” he calls to Suga before the door closes softly behind them. Gods knew how you were going to survive working with these men.

“Do you let all of your employees sit in your chair?” you ask Suga as you recall Min sitting in it the first time you’d been here.

“Do you have to question absolutely everything you see or hear?” he asks, frustrated. He runs his hands through his hair as he rests his elbows on the desk.

“As a matter of fact, I do. It’s all part of the job,” you tell him with a shrug.

“What’d you come to talk about, Kid? I have a lot of work to get done today,” he says ignoring your question.

“You know you should really dye your hair a different color if you're not going to exude the kind of cheerful happiness that is mint,” you tell him matter-of-factly. You shrug off your coat and drape it across your legs.

“Y/N,” he glares at you. “What do you want?” So much for some friendly banter.

“Okay. I know I have to pay you back for the lights - you’re welcome for saving your life by the way - and so I’ve come up with a proposition,” you explain. Suga raises an eyebrow. “Nothing like that! I was thinking I could work at the club,” you continue.

“Why do you always think someone wants to fuck you, Kid?” Suga chuckles. You stand up abruptly and almost knock the chair over.

“I did not say that!”

“Mhm, but it was implied by your abrupt response. Sit down.” you sit in a small huff. “About your proposition though. That could work. With the remodeling, we’re looking to expand our staff. I won’t make you interview. I’ll have to do some calculations based on what you owe and the number of hours you’re available to work, but it should be fine,” he continues while jotting some notes down on a sheet of paper.

“That’s it?” you ask. This is much easier than you thought it’d be. Suga glances back up at you.

“Yeah. Was there something else you wanted to add?”

“Uh, no. I guess not. Sounds good,” you tell him while standing and grabbing your things. He nods.

“Do me a favor and write your contact info down and then I’ll walk you out. We still have a lot to get done here. ”

You cross the space and take the pen from Suga’s hand, your fingers brushing each other's. As you scribble your name and phone number down, you notice the other stack of papers on the desk. Though you’re trying your best to mind your business - and you know you should  since not minding it is the reason you’re currently here - you let your eyes scan over the upside down documents.

It seems to be some sort of form or contract that has numerous details spelled out on the page. You can make out a date in late Spring, a location that’s somewhere on the nicer side of downtown, and the name Jonas on the paper along with some amount of money before it’s covered up by Suga’s arm as he stares at you, his eyes narrowed. You smile at him as innocently as you can before you hand the pen back and straighten up.

“All done!” you tell him cheerily. He nods and jerks his head towards the door, an indication that you should make your way over. You glance back down at the papers before turning on your heel and sweeping your jacket and scarf into your arms.

Suga closes the door behind you and guides you down the dark narrow hallway with his hand on your lower back. You descend the first set of stairs and you glance over the balcony on the second level to see Min and Tae fooling around in between unopened boxes on the dance floor as Honcho and Moon watch on, laughing at their antics. The sound of your boots against the grate floor draws their eyes upwards and you feel a little self conscious under their gazes. Why is it that your confidence always slips around them when you need it the most?

“Did our little sharpshooter pay up, Suga?” Honcho calls as he leans against the bar and stares you down.

“No, but we’ve managed to come to an agreement,” he answers as you reach the bottom of the stairs.

“An agreement? She doesn’t really seem like your -”

“Not that type of agreement, dumbass,” you cut Tae off. You yank on your coat, annoyed. And Suga thinks you’re crazy for thinking that people wanted to fuck you?

“Ah, does this one include all of us?” Moon asks and the rest of the guys chuckle. You shoot him the finger and turn back to Suga.

“Now do you see why I had to clarify my proposition earlier?” you exclaim softly. He nods his head with a smile.

“Knock it off guys. You’re making Kitten flustered,” Min says teasingly. You throw your hands up in the air in defeat.

“I give up, my gods! You guys are insufferable. Gods don’t let the hours be too long. I’m not sure how long I can last before I commit my first murder if I have to be around them for hours on end!” you yell in frustration.

“Might be a little too late for that one Kid,” Suga mutters behind you and Moon laughs. You turn to face him again.

“What?”

“Nothing. Look, I’ll text you with all the details about when to come in some time next week -”

“Wait, come in?” Honcho asks. “As in, work here?” he clarifies, his ears almost as red as his dyed hair. You grin feeling the atmosphere shift into your favor. You flip hair over your shoulders and start heading to the door. It seems as if it’s your cue to go.

“You can’t be serious, Suga,” Tae groans and pushes his hands through his hair. The sight of his discomfort puts a little pep in your step as you stop right in front of the door before turning to face them.

“See you boys later! Glad we could work out an agreement!” you laugh as you watch Tae and Honcho’s faces fall at your terrible attempt at a joke before you head out the door and up the main stairs to the outside world.

Though it feels like every time they look at you, you’d melt under their gaze, it feels good to have the upper hand sometimes. You hope you can keep it as there were more than a few events you had questions about and, unbeknownst to those lovely men downstairs, they’re going to help you answer them.

full masterlist // series masterlist // previous // next

© joon-ipersgirl, 2020

[trashyazeohane]

Perforated stars

Part 1/Part 2

Summary: “You don’t look scared at all.” Gary huffed, hinting on a joking tone, but a sudden shiver appearing in the last word sold him out.

“Very flattering of you to say, but I’m terrified like most of the time.” Avocato said, feeling the words scratching his throat.

“Really?” Gary asked, glancing at him.

There was something in his eyes, some hidden need, some kind of pulse that thrummed and beat and vibrated. Some kind of emotion Avocato couldn’t exactly name. Just something that made Avocato all messy inside.

Additional comments: Fluff, Slow Burn, Angst

Not beta-read, so it may contain some mistakes!

You can also read it on AO3! Enjoy!

Part I ミ★

Avocato was confused. This was a good word to use in his current situation. Confused. Or maybe perplexed. That word worked too. A little bit lost, but he was used to this feeling. But right now it was a tad different confusion than usual.

Mostly because it was related to Gary and the human was, well, confusing.

Not in the bad meaning of this word. Definitely not. He was just so different than Avocato that most of the time he couldn’t make heads or tails of what Gary was thinking.

So he usually didn’t think too much about the reasons and just let Gary do whatever he wanted.

And it worked until now.

Now something had changed. Well, that was wrong. A lot of things had changed. Avocato had been dead, or to be more precise almost dead in his case, but he had been back. Only to be possessed during the very next day and had been forced to leave the crew and his little boy again.

(Avocato would never forget what he had made Little Cato do. He would never forgive himself either for that, for making him live through so many horrible moments. That he had forced his son to do unimaginable things, weaving terrible memories. But God, how proud he was of Little Cato was beyond his heart’s comprehension. He felt like bursting from pride whenever someone simply mentioned his son. Or should he say ‘their’ now?)

Being possessed hadn’t been nice, but if Avocato had to be honest he had to admit that he didn’t remember everything. There had been bits and pieces, voices, images and pictures mingling in his head. There had been times when he could have looked with his own eyes and there had been times when the only thing around him had been darkness, filled with voices from the past. Time had been forgotten, consciousness had been something that had slipped through his fingers like cosmic dust. He had been there and not, both in the same time.

(There had been times when he had forgotten that in the end he had been a living being with a body.)

It wasn’t a part of his life he wanted to remember. Now he was glad he had got his body and family back.

He was getting distracted again.

The whole point was that Gary had been acting confusing.

After Avocato had returned, the whole crew had been acting differently around him. Scared. Almost like they had waited for him to leap, attack and tear the throats apart, leaving the bodies to float in the space. The only people who had not been treating him strange had been his son and Gary.

(Who actually had quite a big fight with the rest of the crew about how they had treated Avocato.)

Now, after some time had passed, everything seemed fine. Well it had been fine, until some time ago. Well even now it technically wasn’t not fine, it was just different.

Because Gary was acting weird. Like not his usual weird, but different type of weird. What was even worse was that it wasn’t an unwanted type of weird. Hell, even worse was the fact that Avocato really liked it, though he would prefer for this weirdness to not make his mind a fuzzy mess and his heart be two steps away from a cardiac arrest.

(But he had gotten used to these things. Or at least he thought he had been used to them. But during the past few weeks he had found out that he had been as vulnerable to them as long time ago.)

“And Uno!”

“Wait, were we playing Switch the whole time?”

“I thought we were playing Poker?”

“What?”

Avocato sighed and put down the cards. To be fair he had gotten lost what they had been doing until now.

The fact that Gary was proudly puffing out his chest wasn’t exactly helping him. Especially as he was wearing that goofy smile which did things to him. Bad things. Strange things. Uncomfortable things. Cosmic things.

Little Cato – who was sitting next to him – also put down his cards, showing a perfect collection of all Kings, and then slumped down on the couch.

Nightfall frowned and also moved the cards down, not showing anyone what exactly she had been playing. Though it seemed like she had hard time understanding what was happening around her.

Avocato wasn’t surprised. It was already late. Some of them should be sleeping right now.

And almost like on cue his son opened his mouth and yawned loudly, moving his arms to stretch them above the head, reaching for the stars.

“I’m going to sleep.” Little Cato said, then swung his whole body up to stand on his feet and put his hand on the table, spreading and messing the cards. “G’night.”

But it was fine, the game apparently ended with no winner.

“Good night.”

“Sleep tight.”

“And sweet dreams.”

Even if Little Cato wanted and tried to hide the smile, he was pretty miserable at it, so Avocato immediately saw his mouth stretching.

Little Cato lifted up sleeping Mooncake, to cradle it in his arms, and quickly walked out of the common room, shuffling his feet on the floor, barely lifting them up.

Avocato needed to sneak past Little Cato’s and Fox’s room later on and check whether he really went to bed or not. Little Cato had a tendency to simply curl and sleep on the first vacant place found while being seconds away from dozing off. So he wouldn’t be surprised if he found the boy in some vent system for example.

“I think I’m going to sleep too. It has been a tiring day.” Nightfall said, standing up too and moving her shoulders in circles.

Yeah, running after KVN who had stolen a quite important part of the ship because it had been shiny and sparkly had been definitely an exhausting experience. Ash had managed to capture him in the end, but after almost making the ship crash, so it was understandable that everyone deserved a break.

“Okie dokie, good night.”

“G’night.” Avocato murmured.

Nightfall nodded and then slipped away from the room without a sound. To be fair, if she hadn’t said it out loud, neither Gary nor Avocato would probably notice her going out. She was like fog when she wanted to, moving, sliding through space and time without a trace.

So this left Gary and Avocato alone.

And if he had to be honest Avocato was really, really tired. He dreamed about nothing more than a pillow, a blanket and the cozy darkness surrounding his mind, however he didn’t utter a thing.

Gary reached, collected the cards and started to shuffle them.

“Beggar-my-neighbor?” He asked.

There was a hint of sugary dreams intertwined with his voice, almost like he too was on the verge of lulling away to the dreamland. Yet he stayed. He didn’t even move to walk away, almost like –

(Almost like –)

Avocato wasn’t sure about the answer. But he knew Gary didn’t move, even though it was clearly visible he was tired and wanted to sleep. He persistently stayed and clumsily shuffled the deck.

“How many card games do you actually know?” Avocato asked, raising his eyebrow and crossing his arms on his chest.

Gary grinned widely.

“A lot.” He made two stacks of the cards in front of himself, but left both hands on each of them. “So?”

“Give them to me.”

Gary did and they started the first round.

***

Returning to reality had been way harder than Avocato had thought it could be. Mostly because he simply never had thought he would have to do it. He had expected a lot of things to happen in his life.

Being possessed by a mysterious entity, almost killing his best friend, being forced apart from his family and then being rescued had been definitely not on the list.

But it had happened.

Returning to reality had been hard. Avocato had felt like everything had changed. And it had changed, no, it definitely had had to change after such long time had passed. Yet because so much time had passed Avocato had hard time finding himself in the new reality.

(Time jumping while being almost dead and then being dead mentally could have such consequences.)

The hardest part for Avocato had been finding himself in the new life.

First, Gary had adopted his son, which well, to be honest it was pretty great. Amazing even. Astonishing. Okay, maybe at first, when he had found about it he had kinda frozen like his body had been floating in space without a suit. But it hadn’t meant that he had been against it. On the contrary.

(It filled his heart with joy to see how much Little Cato relied on Gary, who seemed to love doing it, taking care of their son.)

Little Cato was Avocato’s stable connection to the past. His beacon. His lifeline. His lighthouse. His satellite. He knew that no matter what, his bond with his son would stay the same. It was a constant in a formula, a symbol that simply was there, comforting, loving, familiar.

Gary had been like that too, at the beginning. But then after some time it had shifted, changed, morphed into something different. Not unwelcomed, just different.

(Nice different, but Avocato pushed these thoughts away. It was better not to dwell on them when he didn’t have any chances. There was no way that Gary – that he – no, it was impossible.)

Voluntarily spending more time with Avocato was one thing. At first he had thought that it had been due to missed time which could be spend together. Then it had changed into thinking that maybe Gary had been scared that Avocato would simply disintegrate while he hadn’t been looking. But it also hadn’t been that. Or maybe it had been at the beginning, but then it had changed.

In the end, right now, Avocato thought that Gary wanted to spend time with him as friends, best buds, BFFs or whatever he called their friendship. But even this wouldn’t explain the amount of time Gary spent with him. Almost like he was searching for excuses to stay with him, talk, joke, converse about past and future or just to simply stop in the time and enjoy being there.

For example, Nightfall was Gary’s close friend too and he wasn’t losing sleep just to play a card game with her.

“So we were just there, jumping off the ship!”

“Somersaulting in the air!”

“While screaming!”

“Little Cato a few meters behind me! I thought I would die!”

“But then bam! I finally managed to grab him!”

“And I survived!” Gary proudly said, then moved his hand to wrap it around Little Cato and ruffle his hair with the other one. “Thanks to this guy!”

“Ugh dad, stop!” Little Cato whined, trying to swat the attacking palm away, but failing miserably.

Maybe in the end he didn’t try that much. Maybe he simply just did that to keep up an image, a hologram, but deep down didn’t really mind that. Judging by the smile dancing and floating on his face it was definitely the case.

Avocato really loved seeing them interact. It was astonishing how free, how fitting, how comfortable they seemed with each other. It looked like they could understand each other without words. And the amount of affection being exchanged was incredibly sweet. Their relationship was like a binary star with love and trust in the center.

They really were fit for each other.

“Nevertheless I’m really grateful.” Gary said, sung it even and then turned his head to Avocato. “And this, my dear friend, was how we escaped Morinx S-27.”

Avocato couldn’t force himself to tell them that he had already heard the story two times. He loved seeing the utter joy on their faces too much to butt into the sudden storytelling moment that would erupt from time to time.

“That’s great.” Avocato said and nodded. “But now finish your vegetables, Little Cato. Don’t think I didn’t notice you trying to distract me.”

Little Cato smiling face quickly turned sour. His son flopped, even slumped down on the seat, turning into a jelly with a frown. A quite endearing look, especially as his whiskers moved and nose scrunched adorably.

Unfortunately for Little Cato, Avocato knew all his tricks. Even after being possessed and repossessed by himself.

“But they are disgusting.” Little Cato whined, slumping even farther down on the seat, slowly, but steadily disappearing beneath the table.

Avocato pointed his spoon at him.

“Eat or no more wild rides on Nightfall’s plasmic bike.”

After hearing that Little Cato’s eyes widened comically and he moved closer to the plate to start almost devouring the remaining vegetables.

Gary laughed at that, making that short, kinda broken snort which tore from his body. But it was such an honest, sweet, enthusiastic, real and so adorable sound that Avocato twitched after hearing it. He was so glad that no one paid him any attention.

Both Ash and Fox had already left.

Avocato looked at his own plate and the remaining food on the spoon.

He loved that kind of moments, when there was nothing happening and they were just drifting through the cosmos with the traces of antimatter moving past them. The stars passed behind the windows, blinking and shimmering, waving and winking at them, watching as they were slowly floating across the universe.

They didn’t have many calm days, so Avocato treasured each and every one of them.

“Can you pass me the salt, Brocato?” Gary suddenly asked.

Avocato looked up, then glanced down at the container near his hand and grabbed it to pass it forward.

It was supposed to be a quick exchange.

Gary reached forward, leaning a little bit above the table, and then took the salt container while sliding his fingers delicately across Avocato’s paw.

And damn, his heart betrayed him again, jumping wildly as all nerves tensed and stressed, while his mind blackened out and then came back online in less than a second.

Gary slowly moved back to season the rest of his food.

Avocato’s hand floated above the table for too long to call it normal, so he quickly moved it back after noticing.

His fur and skin burned in the place where they had touched. It had been like electricity had run through this place, tensing the muscles, making it all vibrate beneath the skin. The contact hadn’t been long, hell, it had been short, but for Avocato it had felt like eternities and light years had passed.

It had been just a touch! Something simple! Something that happened everyday! Why was Avocato acting like that?

Avocato swallowed hard, brushing his fingers together and still feeling the warmness on his hand.

(Please, don’t give him hope. Avocato didn’t need that. He had agreed with his fate, he didn’t need it.

Even though he wanted it.)

***

The crew was bigger and different.

Hue had a body. A kinda not fully functioning body, but it was a moving, mechanical body. There was also Nightfall – who really had surprised Avocato after meeting her – and then Ash and Fox – Clarence’s ex-kids. He knew that man was no good deal. And of course, AVA, the new AI of the ship.

Getting used to them had been a feat, but Avocato had found out he quite liked the new company. They were good people, a little bit lost and kinda strange, but everyone who was around Gary was weird in some aspects.

Maybe it was due to the weirdness of the man himself. Because Gary was weird, but weird in that good way. Strange was his fixation with cookies, his giddy and too joyful mood and his love of touching others, trying to get close to them and show them his affection.

Yet there was something even more off with Gary approaching and touching Avocato. Not in the bad way, but in a kinda unusual way.

Like why did it feel like Gary was doing it on purpose, catching every occasion like butterflies to be able to touch him? A pat on the back. A small shove to the arm. A pinch to the cheek. A poke to the side. Pointing at something on his armor. Asking to pass something. Finding weird excuses to do something.

(Avocato’s favorite moment had been Gary running to him to compare their hands’ sizes.)

Maybe there was no undertones to it, maybe Gary was simply like that. And some part of it was true. Gary was like that. He liked touching people, aliens and other beings. It seemed like a moment without getting near to someone was a wasted moment for him.

But there was something different in the way Gary approached him. It almost seemed calculated, in lack of a better term. Like Gary was just waiting for an opportunity to do this or that. It wasn’t spontaneous in most cases, more like pre-reacted a thousand times in the head and then played out in real life.

And every time it had happened, or well after that, Gary had been wearing this goofy smile.

“Okay so you’re taking Ash and I’m taking Little Cato?” Avocato asked, uncrossing his arms.

Gary nodded.

“Sure, yeah, that works for me.”

They moved closer to the two lumps laying haphazardly on the couch in the main living area.

Avocato slowly scooped Little Cato up, making place for Gary to do the same with Ash, letting her head rest on his arm and drool on the jacket.

Little Cato mumbled something in his sleepy state and curled in Avocato’s grasp, making him grin happily under his nose.

Avocato looked at Gary who bobbed his head at him.

Together they slowly moved through the ship, getting the kids to their respective beds. First it was Ash as her room was closer.

After knocking on the door and not getting a response, Gary opened the door, huffing and puffing quietly under his breath as he did so. The room was empty and both bunkbeds were unmade.

Gary laid Ash down on the bottom bed, moved her body around so that the blanket which was beneath her would be free and then covered her body almost to her nose. His hand stayed there for a moment, almost like he was checking whether she was breathing or not, and then moved it to her forehead, pushing the pink hairs away. There was a sudden beat of silence, a short buzz of machine going on somewhere nearby, a sudden stillness to the world as Gary leaned and pecked Ash’s forehead.

It was a strangely timid and private moment. A gap in space-time continuum that deserved a break. A tiny pause in the flow of accidents that tore the hearts apart. A supernova of peculiarity and sweet emotions.

Avocato felt really out of place. He wasn’t sure what he felt towards the new members of their team, squad, team-squad. He didn’t dislike them, but he also didn’t know them long enough to trust them completely.

Gary, on the contrary, seemed to love them. Seemed to burst with energy whenever they were nearby. Seemed to simply expand and grow like universe whenever Fox, Ash or Little Cato asked him something.

(Avocato really loved seeing Gary interact with Little Cato. It was clear as the day that he loved his, no, their son. And he clearly loved Ash and Fox too. But somehow it was a little bit different with Little Cato. It didn’t mean that he loved Ash and Fox less, no, the emotion was clearly visible on his face. But Gary and Little Cato had a weird connection even Avocato couldn’t explain.)

“You’ll grow to love them too.” Gary said, when he stood up and moved to exit the bedroom.

Avocato shrugged. He didn’t want to agree or disagree with this opinion or statement.

The trip to Little Cato’s room was a quiet one, interrupted only by beeps and whistles of machinery around, controls going on and off somewhere in the distance, like a never ending companion on a lifelong travel. A breathing lifeform made of metal vibrated beneath their feet, huffed and sighed with every step they took.

The door to Little Cato’s and Fox’s room opened without a problem.

Fox was already there, asleep, wrapped like a cocoon.

Gary grabbed the metal rails and hoisted himself up, leaning above Fox and kissing the top of his head.

Avocato grinned under his nose, put Little Cato on his bed and warmed him with a blanket secured tightly around the small body.

The boy stirred a little, murmured something under his nose, furrowed his eyebrows and then turned on the bed, messing the fur on the top of his head and cheeks.

Little Cato looked adorable, curled up like that. And maybe it was the calmness of this moment, a sudden need that erupted in his chest, a hidden whisper, or simply something that he wanted to do. No matter what it was Avocato also leaned down and kissed the top of Little Cato’s head.

“Aww you’re mimicking me, you copycat.”

“From what I remember I was a dad first. You just followed in my footsteps.”

“Says a person who asked me to take care of his boy.”

“I don’t see you complaining.”

“That is because I’m not.” Gary said, shrugging as he jumped off the bed, only to immediately kneel down.

He tucked Little Cato more, straightening the blanket as his hand glided on the surface. And just like with the others Gary leaned forward and kissed Little Cato’s forehead, letting his lips rest there for a few seconds.

Avocato smiled under his nose as he leaned on the doorframe and observed the scene, cataloguing every moment in his mind and heart.

Gary slowly moved away, caressed Little Cato’s cheek with the back of his hand and tugged him in one more time.

“Sleep tight, Spidercat.”

Little Cato murmured something and then snuggled further into the blanket.

Gary patted him one more time and then stood up, letting all the bones crack and rattle.

“Come on, let them rest.” Avocato said and then exited the bedroom, glancing at his son.

Gary quickly followed him and then reached his hand up above his head, stretching it when the door closed behind him, leaving them alone in the empty corridor.

There was a short moment of silence, wrapping them into its embrace. It could be even called a calm silence, comfortable one, until Gary opened his mouth of course:

“You know what we just had?”

Avocato had no idea.

“What?” He asked warily, feeling like he already didn’t like the answer.

“An indirect kiss.”

And Avocato was right. He didn’t like the answer.

“Way to ruin the moment, baby.” He sighed, feeling like the energy simply disappeared from his body, making him incredibly dull, empty like a vacuum.

Gary laughed, making his shoulders shiver and tremble, with a hesitant, awkward undertone at the end. It was a pure sound, kinda skittish on the side, but honest and true nevertheless.

Avocato felt like he fell for him even more.

***

Trying to get used to the new life had been really weird at the beginning. Everything had seemed off, strange, not fitting. Like he simply hadn’t been supposed to be here. Like a star in an asteroid belt.

And some part to of it had been true. He wasn’t supposed to be here. He should be dead, drifting in the cosmos, in the middle of nowhere, waiting for his body to discorporate.

But he was alive. He was living. And he was having emotions and feelings, strong, deep feelings that burned him to the core.

Avocato couldn’t explain some things Gary said. Almost like he was searching for some reaction. Almost like he was hinting at something. But it couldn’t be true, it couldn’t be real. Avocato’s brain simply didn’t want to believe it.

(It would be too good to be true.)

Gary would say things that would imply other things. He would make jokes in that awkward voice of his, sometimes too high, sometimes too low, that strung a specific cord inside Avocato’s chest. He would insinuate and hint and there were times when it seemed like Gary was waiting for something, was searching for something in Avocato’s reactions.

Yet he didn’t know really what.

Avocato’s brain was at constant mess, in a fight with itself, where the synapses were snapping and clawing at each other.

Gary probably didn’t know what he was doing to Avocato. Of course he didn’t. How could he know when Avocato never had told him about his feelings? At first he hadn’t been sure about them. Because hell, who falls for a person they were supposed to kill, which in the end captured them and then became their best friend? No one! He had thought that he had become simply too attached to the human due to the lack of many emotional connections through his life.

But then Quinn had appeared and Avocato had noticed that it hadn’t been a very strong friendship unfortunately. It had been – and was – something way more. Something that was bigger than friendship, something that was like it and not, both in the same time.

He wanted some form of closure.

Avocato had tried to be happy with what he had had, but deep inside he had wanted more. More he couldn’t have. So why dwell on it? Why think about the unchangeable? Why ponder about possibilities that may never come true?

Plus back then he had had more important matters on his mind. Saving Little Cato.

They had done it together, then Avocato had died or almost died, or died and not, both in the same time? It was really confusing with the time jumping and staying behind.

The point was that Avocato was back, together with Little Cato, and now he had time to ponder. Especially as there was no Quinn around.

Maybe they hadn’t started on the best terms, but he admired her strength and devotion. She was a good person, very smart and brilliant. And he didn’t hate or dislike her, no, even on the contrary, he had quite fond feelings for her.

It just really hurt.

But Avocato had no doubt that Gary still loved her. He was constantly saying that they had to save her and Avocato had to agree with him. They needed to do that. Quinn deserved it.

And Gary deserved her too.

So they did it. They saved her, snatching her away from the Final Space after a long and tedious battle that left them breathless and way too many times close to dying than it was comfortable. But they all survived it, they were there, happy and alive.

(The whole world was wrong again. They hadn’t fixed even one thing, it had seemed like they had messed it up even more, leaving tear after tear in the space-time continuum, breaking the cosmos and galaxies apart.

And the fact that Invictus was still out there wasn’t a good sign. That was a thing they had to deal with at some point. But now, all of them were safe and sound aboard the Crimson Light.)

Avocato expected Gary and Quinn to hug and kiss and just do something after the haze of fight died down and they could catch a breath. He prepared himself to have his heart shattered once again in a million tiny atoms, just as he was slowly starting to glue it back together, piece after piece. He knew it would be hard to watch but at least Gary would be happy. He would grin blindly at them and everything would be fine for now.

Yet it didn’t happen.

Nightfall elbowed Gary as he was nervously glancing at the ground and intermittently  at Quinn, who was trying to pat the flames on her clothes down.

Gary lifted his head, looked at Nightfall and it seemed like they had an entire spacious conversation during this short moment.

In the end Gary slumped his shoulders and turned around.

“Quinn, we need to talk.”

The girl looked up at him, with a sweet, hopeful glint shining in her starry eyes as a smile appeared on her mouth.

“Sure, we definitely do.”

Gary winced, grabbed her hand and then they both exited the hangar, leaving the rest of the team squad awkwardly standing there.

“So, that was new.” Ash finally said, moving to the rest and combing her covered with dirt hair with the fingers.

Nightfall clicked her tongue and moved to Ash to get the bigger debris from her hair.

“Gary and Quinn just need to have a very serious talk.”

Little Cato approached them, followed by Fox, who was checking something in his hand.

“Uh shouldn’t it be all fine now? We finally saved Quinn.” Little Cato inquired.

Avocato reached and wrapped his son in a hug, bringing his body closer to feel the familiar heat radiating from him. He had to take Little Cato to the Medbay to have the wounds checked and taken care of, not matter how small they were.

Nightfall smiled sadly at him.

“I’m afraid it’s not so easy, Little Cato.”

The boy lifted his eyebrows as he leaned towards Avocato, glancing up at him in search of the meaning of the woman’s words.

Unfortunately he also didn’t know what Nightfall had been talking about. Gary and Quinn should hug, kiss, talk, then hug some more and everything would be back to being brighter again.

Gary and Quinn talked for a pretty, pretty long time, during which Avocato and Nightfall got Little Cato, Ash, Fox and Mooncake to the Medbay and took care of their wounds. After that was covered and the little ones were sent to their beds, together with Hue, KVN and AVA, Avocato and Nightfall assessed the damage done to the ship, what needed to be done to repair it and what should they do from now on. But no one really wanted to talk about that just yet, so they ended the topic and returned to their respective rooms to get very much deserved sleep.

And Gary and Quinn were still talking.

(Or maybe they weren’t talking at all.)

Avocato didn’t really want to think about possibilities, about what they actually could be doing. He tried to fall asleep, something his body desperately needed right now, but found out that no matter how hard he tried to drift away, he simply couldn’t. His mind and heart were still buzzing with the excitement of the fight.

He couldn’t call it a won fight per se anyway. It left a bad aftertaste in his mouth at so many lost lives. They had been really lucky they had managed to get out of there alive, get out of the dying planets and destroyed ships, when so many of other living beings hadn’t made it and couldn’t escape. Their souls had been dragged away from their bodies which now floated somewhere in the cosmos with no place to bury them.

So many destroyed celestial bodies, so many lost lives. Poor lives that had simply been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Consumed lives that had lived in peace until then, not knowing about the war that had started.

It seemed like they were destroying everything.

In the end Avocato stood up and paced around the ship, calming his mind to the tune of the working machine. An engine pumping energy into the whole ship purred tiredly beneath his feet as he walked, huffing and puffing with its metallic lungs.

The ship seemed utterly off with no soul around as he quietly walked through it, trying to find a sole place to sit down and disconnect from the world for a bit. Almost like he was moving in a dream, floating in between states of consciousness and not – an askew part of the dimension, a weirdly torn part of the string that made their universe.

The stars blinked and shimmered behind the window and Avocato wondered for how long they could do it. Was the end of the time already breathing on their necks? Did they even have a lot of time? He wasn’t sure. He knew that the world was messed up and it was their fault.

Avocato sat down on the ground and stared at the expanding cosmos in front of his eyes, blocking his mind from all thoughts that pushed and knocked and tried to take down the doors to his consciousness. But for now he only saw the astral place spreading in front of his eyes, calming him down for a moment.

He wasn’t sure how long he was sitting there, but probably for too long.

“Avocato? What are you doing here?”

He twitched and then lifted up his head. He already knew who was coming thanks to the voice. He would recognize it everywhere, in a millisecond, during a spark where the atoms break into two.

Gary was slowly approaching Avocato, the dirty and destroyed clothes still on him. He looked utterly exhausted with the dark bags under his eyes and the remains of his own blood already crusting on the cheeks and beneath the nose.

“I couldn’t sleep.” He answered honestly.

Gary let out a dry chuckle.

“After a day like today?”

“Well, I think there is some leftover adrenaline inside my muscles. Like my brain is waiting for something to happen.”

“Uh yeah, actually I totally can understand that.” Gary scratched the back of his head, looked at the view Avocato was observing. He cleared his throat and then pointed at a space of ground next to Avocato. “Is this seat taken?”

Avocato snorted.

“No, it’s free.”

Gary smiled tiredly and then flopped down next to Avocato, crossing his legs on the ground.

For a blissful, beautiful and terrible moment they only stared at the space in front of them. There were clouds gathering in the distance, bright, enormous, fluffy gases – nebulas – swirling together, trying to form something incredible and new. There was a lone comet flying far-flung. A moon of a planet that was nearby slowly rotated around it, together with its twin.

It was a beautiful place to be. And also terrifying.

Avocato tried to find something to talk about, something easy, something nice and calming.

And then of course he dropped the bomb.

“So, how are things between you and Quinn? Everything’s okay?”

Fuck his life. Why had he asked that? Of course everyone was curious about what they were talking, although it seemed that Nightfall knew the most and wasn’t sharing it with anyone, protecting their privacy.

Gary twitched and then started to play with the thread sticking out from his pants.

“Everything is… well… fine. Between us I mean. I think. I hope.”

Avocato glanced at him.

“You don’t look fine.” He stated.

Because it was a fact. Gary looked miserable, not only because of his outward appearance, but there was something in his eyes, inside of him, something that simply was torn apart and he didn’t know how to stitch it back together. His eyes almost screamed for something, or maybe they screamed at the world, at the unfairness of it all, at the wrong and devastation that spread around while they could do nothing but cry.

“What gave it away?”

Avocato wanted to say that a lot of specific and small things, but shut his mouth. He didn’t want to let Gary know that he had observed him thoroughly. So he only said:

“Everything.”

A dry laugh left Gary’s lips as he tugged on the thread violently. It didn’t come out, but stuck persistently to the trousers. But other than that he didn’t answer. Just looked at the world passing them by.

So they simply sat there together, staring at the space and breathing slowly in and out. They were alive. They were here. They got everyone back. They were breathing. It should be alright. It really should be.

But it wasn’t.

It simply wasn’t because the world was slowly tilting towards destruction with Invictus on the loose and the Final Space and all the titans being seconds away from consuming their world, tearing it into pieces and destroying every atom in its wake, moving protons away from each other and stealing electrons.

There was a delicate movement to his right and a warm heap landed on his shoulder. It took Avocato awfully long time to notice, through his wildly beating heart, that Gary rested his head there, simply as that.

“Do you mind –“

“No.” Avocato quickly said. Too quickly, if he might add. “It’s okay.”

It really was okay. More than okay.

Gary was breathing slowly, letting the air out in puffs and huffs as his head maneuvered a little to find the best position on Avocato’s shoulder.

There was another long spasm of time, a terribly protracted seconds that prolonged themselves into oblivion as they stared at everything and nothing both in the same time, until Avocato heard a soft sniff nearby.

He snapped his head in Gary’s direction.

“Hey, is everything really–“

“We’ve lost so many living beings today.” He softly whispered, voice so quiet it was almost not even there.

But it was there and it strung a painful string inside Avocato’s chest, making him hitch his breath for all the wrong reasons.

“Yeah, yeah we did.” Avocato nodded, shifting a little so his body was a bit lower, which made leaning on him hopefully also easier.

(He didn’t want to lose the contact, that spark of happiness in the dark cloud that seemed to envelop them, seemed to thunder above their heads, saying that the rain and storm were on their way.)

There was something wet hitting his shoulder as another sniffle left Gary’s lips.

“It’s my fault.”

“No, it’s not.”

“It is.” Gary fought back, croaked even, seeming to be on the verge of breaking.

“No, it isn’t. We and them were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. You didn’t kill them. It wasn’t you who took their lives away.”

It was the truth. He had seen today hundreds of lights disappearing from brave faces, he had seen smiles turning into grimaces, into startled mouths opened to scream and shout. He had seen the hope, the beautiful hope, flicker and die quickly under the sheer force that had bent their knees in the face of Death that simply had taken their hands and helped guide them to the other side.

There had been blood, so much blood and screams and shouts and pain and tears and misery and pain and pain and pain.

But it wasn’t their fault. And it definitely wasn’t Gary’s fault. Nor was it anyone else’s on their side.

Avocato slowly reached his hand, trying not to jostle his companion, and then rested it on Gary’s shoulder, bringing him in for a close hug.

He knew it wouldn’t fix anything in the world. It was broken apart, maybe beyond abilities to be repaired. Maybe they were on the way to doom, to their death, to the annihilation that would swipe them away. Maybe there was no hope in the future and every thread connecting their fingers would be burned.

But Avocato still decided to not lose hope.

He hugged Gary closer and let the tears flow down, freely, letting him cope with the loss, hopefully helping him overcome the traumatic moments of today.

He did it even when Gary fell asleep.

And if he carried Gary to his room, then who was here to see and judge him?

***

Avocato had problems with showing his true feelings. It probably, scratch that, definitely was due to the environment he had grown up in. Showing emotions, or worse, weakness had been unacceptable. They had had to be strong, they had had to be brave, they had had to do everything Lord Commander had said. Or else there had been painful consequences.

Showing emotions was a sign of the biggest trust.

(Only Little Cato had seen him crying.)

Yet Gary had done it. Showed him the biggest sign of trust someone could. He had believed him, leaned on him and showed what had been troubling his heart.

Avocato felt awfully happy and devastated about this idea, both in the same time.

Life after the fight, at least those few first days, wasn’t easy. The gloomy atmosphere seemed to be etched into the ship circuit. Everyone’s heads were down with hands tightening when a memory flew by. The never-ending presence of failure followed their every step.

But at least Quinn was with them.

Avocato expected her and Gary to spend every minute together, almost glued to a hip. He expected to see them kiss each other’s cheeks or foreheads or mouths, hug from time to time or simply glance at each other.

They did glance at each other, but with a different tone to it. There was no soft touches on the side, no quick smooches here and there, no desperate hand holding, nothing.

At first he thought that it was due to the atmosphere that walked around them, but it wasn’t that. It was something else, something deeper, gravity waves of emotions.

Something changed between them, that was for sure. But Avocato couldn’t make the heads or tails of it, nor did he think it was his place to ask, so he let the matter be.

(Some part of him was happy that they didn’t show their affection everywhere on the ship.)

It seemed that Quinn also had hard times with accommodating and fitting in with so many unfamiliar people around. She had the best contact with Hue, KVN and apparently Little Cato. With whom Avocato found her speaking quite a lot.

She was talking with him too, but there was always a tone of awkwardness to it.

“Hey, do you know where butter is?”

“That yellow thing which goes on the bread?” Avocato asked.

Quinn nodded, a little bit taken aback.

“Yeah, that.”

“In the cupboard on your right.”

Quinn turned and reached for the shelf.

“Why are you keeping butter in the cupboard? It should be in the fridge.”

Avocato shrugged.

“It’s pretty cold in the cupboard.”

Quinn glanced at the cupboard, then at the butter she now held in her hand, then one more time at the cupboard only to sigh loudly and flop down on the chair in front of Avocato.

He took another sip of his drink, looking through the news on the tablet in front of him. The bounties on their heads were increasing every day and Avocato wasn’t sure whether to be flattered by it or incredibly scared. Maybe a bit of both.

It seemed like Quinn wanted to say something as she was currently drilling holes in his head with her gaze and not making any sandwiches even though all the components were on the table. Avocato decided to let her start speaking whenever she wanted.

In the end she finally made sandwiches

So they sat there, eating, drinking, glancing through new information across the universe, until one of them broke.

Quinn cleared her throat and looked at him. There was something confusing in her eyes, a sudden resolve that didn’t want to be tamed nor couldn’t be controlled, a sudden pure strength that shimmered like a moon – reflecting the power of someone’s else, a sweet inspiration.

“Avocato, I…”

He lifted his head, looking at her and closing the news on the tablet.

The strength was still there, but it was mixed, couldn’t be really described, escaped every trap that the girl tried on it, playing with her like she was only but a mouse.

“I know we didn’t start on the best terms, but I want you to know that I…” She looked to the side, scratched her cheek, then moved the curls away from her forehead only to look him back in the eyes. “… I think you’re a good person and well… I trust you… with Gary and well… Yeah, I trust you.”

Okay. That was pretty… pretty strange to drop such a bomb in the middle of the morning, but at this point in life and with such a crew on the ship Avocato should get used to it. Only he didn’t, so now he only stared perplexed at the woman with his finger still floating in the space close to the tablet.

“Uhh… thanks?” He said slowly, not sure if it was the right answer to give in this situation, but it seemed okay enough to say it.

He wasn’t sure whether anyone should trust him. He had done very bad and terrible things. Really horrible things that plagued his mind during nights, woke him up with hands around his throat and blood splattering on his face. There were faces he knew he would never forget, eyes filled with fear and tears and mouths hanging open in a silent scream for help.

Avocato could never forget those poor souls.

(Avocato didn’t deserve to forget it.)

He didn’t think he deserved the trust everyone around was giving him. He didn’t deserve the amount of hope they were showing him when they were entering another fight. It was badly misplaced.

But they saw something in him he didn’t exactly could see himself.

And he wasn’t going to let them down this time, nor ever again.

Quinn smiled at him and Avocato noticed that it was probably the first time she had done it towards him. They had behaved normally around each other, or well tried to act normally, polite, nice, but there had been always something off about it.

Back at Galaxy One they had been more often seen jumping at each other’s throats with the difference in their perspective, with divergent weight of morals and hearts, but now, after so many things had happened and changed it seemed like they found a silver lining of understatement.

Plus seeing her face, alive, smiling calmed Avocato a little.

He had no doubt that Gary had to do something with Quinn changing her mind about him, but he wasn’t going to question it. He liked her and definitely preferred her covering his back with trust than pointing the gun at it.

***

Why and how Gary changed people’s opinions about Avocato was another mystery Avocato simply couldn’t solve. He didn’t have enough pieces, enough evidences to even form a proper theory around it. So he left it at that and accepted it as another Gary’s confusing trait.

Not that he minded that much. He wasn’t good with people and aliens and other life beings and forms.

Slowly Quinn found her place on the ship. There were still some awkward moments when she stared at Gary and he did it back with some kind of remorse in their eyes, but these were sparse.

Avocato wasn’t sure what had happened between them and he wasn’t really keen on asking about it. It was their private thing, he shouldn’t interfere.

(But he couldn’t stop himself from being a little bit curious. Because it seemed like they weren’t together. There was clearly a deep connection between them, but the spark was lost.

Avocato hated himself for felling hopeful.)

He paced around the ship slowly with a towel wrapped around his shoulders, hanging on the wet fur. Or mildly wet fut. He knew if he stayed longer in the drying chamber he would fall asleep, so he decided to finish drying himself with a towel.

The ship outside of the warm showers was cold, freezing even. It made all the wet hairs on his back and arms stand up, so he fastened his pace to get to his room quicker and turn on the heating to drift away into hopefully dreamless sleep.

Most doors were already closed, signaling Avocato that almost the whole crew was asleep. He didn’t mind, he got used to being the last one to do it.

(Often accompanied by Gary. They had spent quite a lot of nights playing cards in the main room of the ship.)

Gary’s room was open, which wasn’t actually that surprising. What was off was the soft light coming from between the small, thin gap that was there. What was even more astonishing was a soft tune sneaking between it and scattering across the floor, clearly coming from that room.

Avocato sneaked closer to the gap, being cautions of his steps and the sounds he was making, and leaned forward, stealing a peek inside.

He definitely didn’t expect to see it.

Gary was leaning on the wall, sitting on the bed and humming a soft tune under his nose as his eyes were illuminated by the holographic tablet he held in his hand and clearly read through. On his lap laid Little Cato, whole body curled and hidden almost fully under a blanket thrown over it. There was a steady rhythm of his heartbeat, mirrored in slow rises and falls of the chest, showing Avocato that the small Ventrexian was fully asleep.

That didn’t stop Gary from leisurely moving his hand through the cyan patch of fur on his son’s head, playing with the strands and scratching him behind the ear occasionally, which also flicked form time to time.

(There was also a small lamp in the corner, giving a soft hue to the whole room. Never turned off.)

Mooncake laid nearby the wall, squished between Gary and Little Cato and snoring peacefully, while giving a few sounds ever so often.

Avocato knew they were close. They had to be. Gary even had adopted his – their – son.

He had seen them interact a thousand times already.

But it didn’t stop the sudden beat of the heart from going haywire when he saw moments like that. Peaceful. Calm. Tranquil. Comforting. Fitting.

Gary looked utterly happy, moving his hand slowly while his eyes scanned the letters, coordination, galaxies and space stations nearby that they deeply needed to avoid. There was a tired smile, hiding in the corners of his mouth, in accompaniment of the hair standing in weird directions.

Little Cato exhaled slowly and snuggled closer.

Gary glanced down, smiled more and then returned to reading. Or at least he seemed to want to do that, but his eyes moved, glided along the small crack in the doorway and then their eyes met.

“Avocato?” Gary’s mouth said, barely letting the words out.

He didn’t have to be so quiet. When Little Cato was asleep even a comet crashing through the roof wouldn’t wake him up.

Should he step inside? There was no need for him to do that. He could wave his hand and let them be, give them much needed rest. But there was something enthralling in the picture he just had seen, something that called to him, something that made him want to be a part of it, not a spectator from the side.

It was a stupid need, but he simply couldn’t stop it.

So he opened the door a little, which hissed as it moved to make place for him to step inside.

“Hey.” He whispered.

“Hey to you too.” Gary murmured, showing him a line of white teeth. “Why aren’t you sleeping?”

“I was taking a shower.” Avocato said and then pointed with his head at the lump laying in Gary’s lap. “I would ask you the same thing, but I can see you have your hands full.”

He chuckled, curling one strand of baby blue hair around his finger and brushing it with his thumb.

“Quite full indeed.” Gary said and then much softer added. “But I can’t say I mind.”

Little Cato tilted his head a little, like he was seeking the warmth that seeped from Gary’s fingers, and then moved to rest his cheek on the human’s stomach, one hand gripping the t-shirt, forming an ocean of wrinkles there.

Gary didn’t look like he minded. If anything he looked even happier than before.

The image, the atmosphere, the sweet warmness that seeped from Gary and Little Cato was so serene, so calming that Avocato’s heart just yearned to flop down on the bed next to them, lay his head down and lull away too. It was a deep need, powerful like a cosmic wave, thermic in its wake, even more endearing by the fact that he simply just had to step forward.

But –

“You can stay the night.” Gary suddenly said, not looking up at him, but staring fondly at the Ventrexian in his lap. Then it seemed like a sudden blast, a meteorite crashed in his mind, because he snapped his head up and mumbled. “If you… I mean… If you want to, of course.”

There was a soft hint, a delicate, darkish hue to Gary’s cheeks, navy blue in colors in the faint light coming from the holographic screen and lamp that just tore Avocato’s heart apart.

He didn’t want anything more than just that – no innuendos, no higher reason, no adult stuff that sometimes sneaked into his mind. Just a calm night shared with his loved ones.

No, he didn’t deserve that. He had hurt them enough. They were happy now, why should he interrupt this small piece of time filled with joy with his presence?

“No, it’s okay. I’m good.“ He wasn’t, but it wasn’t their problem either. “I’ll see you in the morning?”

Gary nodded, quickly replacing something on his face with a small smile.

(It definitely hadn’t been sadness. Definitely not disappointment. It couldn’t be. Why should it even be there? No, Avocato had to be seeing things. He had to be. It was quite late and Avocato didn’t have enough sleep lately or like ever.)

“Yeah, uh, sure. Totally. We’ll see each other in the morning. I’m super fine with that.” Gary cleared his throat, moving the screen to hide his mouth. “Yeah, yeah, fine. Good night.”

Avocato smiled.

“Good night.”

And with that he left the room, feeling like he was leaving something precious behind.

***

It seemed like Gary almost naturally knew what Avocato wanted, even before he could simply form the thoughts. Or always seemed to know what to ask, shaping, molding the needs into the words.

A peculiar talent indeed. A rare one. A very confusing one.

Especially as it was getting harder and harder to resist some of them.

Avocato never had been a very touchy and warm person. Years of killing people could do that to living beings. They start to lose the sense of humanity, they stop seeing the spark of life in the others and start treating them as a burden, a hindrance they need to take care of.

Avocato had hated himself for doing and thinking like that.

Living beings had been pawns he had had to destroy or move to another part of the board. Conceal emotions. Don’t think about their families or friends or loved ones. They had been just a collection of atoms, a cosmic dust, a moment, a light that needed to be blown out.

Then it had changed when Little Cato had been born. His whole world had shattered into thousand, if not million, pieces and had formed something entirely new. Not something stable at first, but Avocato immediately had known, right after seeing his little son, that he was going to try his damn hardest to make it all work.

He would steal a thousand stars for his son. He would break the space–time continuum. He would snap and tie back the strings of reality. He hadn’t always showed it. Hell, he probably never had showed it. A great mistake. One of the biggest mistakes of his life.

But he had gotten a second chance. Or well actually a third chance, maybe even a fourth one if he could count right. But these two in the middle didn’t count because he hadn’t been long enough here to actually use them.

Little Cato had been and was his sunshine, his hope, his sun, his moon, his gravity and his light. Everything he had done and did was for him.

Avocato loved spending time with Little Cato, whether it was eating breakfast or dinner, steering the ship, playing random games during games nights which happened almost every day or simply spending time while doing nothing.

Now unfortunately wasn’t one of those times, but Avocato still was going to enjoy it.

“And remember, if your gun jams, there is an additional one on your left.” Gary said, pointing at the holster hanging on Little Cato’s belt.

The Ventrexian sighed loudly and pushed Gary’s hand away.

“Dad, come on. I know how to shoot and I know where I have my weapons.”

Avocato smiled.

“Gary, chill. He’s a Cato, using guns is in our blood.”

Little Cato grinned to him.

“Oh is it now, Avocato? I clearly remember someone forgetting to bring his backup ammo for the last mission.” Gary said, straightening his back and crossing his arms on his chest.

Oh, he hit a point.

“I made it work in the end, didn’t I?” Avocato smirked.

“Throwing a gun at the enemy doesn’t count!” Gary huffed.

“Hey, if there is no ammo, you use whatever you can as an ammo.” Little Cato added, adorably grinning from ear to ear.

“Well said, son.”

Little Cato almost bubbled with excitement, jumping in place and whispering encouraging words to himself. There were sparks leaping from his eyes, shimmering for a second like burning particles of metal. He radiated energy like a comet moving through the space.

Gary sighed at that.

Avocato smiled under his nose and checked the energy stabilizer in his gun. There was nothing better than plasma weapons. Deadly, yet longer-lasting. A small ampule of energy was enough for many rounds of ammo.

“Can we go?” Little Cato asked, swinging back and forth on his heels.

Avocato was just about to answer that they should actually move to the drop zone, when Gary one more time butted in.

“Oh no, you can’t, bud. Not without your good luck charm.”

Little Cato stopped swinging and looked at the man, rolling his eyes brutally.

“Dad, no. I don’t need it!”

“Let me be the judge of that.” Gary frowned and then leaned to peck Little Cato quickly on the forehead.

The Ventrexian frowned, trying to look as disgusted as he could, but failing somewhere in the middle as the smile broke on his face, snapped it in two like a meteor.

“Dad, stop, you’re embarrassing me in front of everyone.” Little Cato whined, moving his hand to his forehead, but not brushing the place, only gently resting his paw there.

“You have to live with it.” Gary said, moving to straighten his back.

Avocato wasn’t sure exactly why he opened his mouth. Everything was fine and dandy, maybe even sweet due to the situation that had unfolded in front of him like a Mobius strip, and he had to break it.

(Maybe the needs that had been locked inside of him finally had enough and found a small opening in the corner, clawing their way out. Maybe it was an urge to share something similar, something pure and sweet and calm and comforting all in the same time.)

“How come Little Cato got a good luck kiss, but I didn’t?”

And he failed miserably. Someone give him a round of applause.

The hangar, previously filled with so many voices, became instantly quiet, silent as space spreading behind these metal walls.

Avocato’s heart stopped beating for a moment after the words had left his mouth. There was a hollow void inside his chest, an emptiness that sucked everything into it. A sudden pause of the time which prolonged the awkwardness into infinity.

Gary looked at him with the mouth a little bit open and eyes wide as moons.

Avocato clenched and unclenched his fists a few times, trying to come up with an idea on how to get back his words. Maybe he should play it as a joke? Would laughing work? Maybe he simply can pretend that he hadn’t said that? He just had to do something to escape the sudden stillness that had appeared inside the hangar.

But before he could do anything, Gary moved closer and nervously smiled.

“Well when you put it like that, I admit it wasn’t fair.”

Avocato felt like he was dreaming. Because he had to be dreaming. It couldn’t be real. There was no chance that he was actually awake and not turning on his bed. But if it was a dream then please let him sleep for at least one more minute.

Gary leaned up, moved closer, impossibly close, so close that Avocato could sense the warmness seeping from the human body, traveling, enveloping him. There was a familiar scent trailing after him, smell that made all his bones melt and mind become a galactic mush.

It was a short moment, a sudden spark of a dying star, or maybe the beginning of a new one, when the gases all combine to form an explosion that could make everyone kneel.

Gary pecked Avocato’s cheek, letting his lips stay there for a second or so, before slowly moving back, glancing hesitantly at Avocato like he wanted to gauge his reaction.

And well, Avocato was a lost man. His heart beat rapidly in his chest, thrumming loudly like an overworked engine that was on the tip of exhaustion. It hammered and knocked on his ribcage so vehemently that he was sure it was the most audible thing in the entire universe.

The place on his cheek was burning.

Gary smiled at him and stepped away, moving his one hand to scratch the back of his neck.

The silence stirred around them, until even it finally broke down.

“How come they get good luck kisses, but not me?” Fox suddenly asked.

“Hey, I was on a mission two weeks ago and I didn’t get any either.” Ash added, moving to her brother and crossing her arms.

“That is because you sneaked out, not went on a mission.” Gary quickly clarified, looking at her. “By the way you’re grounded for that, young lady.”

“There was a music festival on a planet nearby!”

“Still grounded!”

“And I still didn’t get my lucky kisses!” Fox whined.

Gary sighed, letting his shoulders drop like it was the most tedious thing to do. But the happiness, hiding in the wrinkles in the corners of his eyes sold him out.

“Come here then!”

Avocato observed fondly the ridiculousness of the situation in front of him, correcting the belt where his main weapons were situated. In the corner of his eyes he caught Little Cato looking at him, so he did the same, raising his eyebrow.

“What?”

“Nothing.” Little Cato said, in the voice that clearly indicated that ‘nothing’ was clearly a lie.

Avocato wanted to pursue and continue the topic, but AVA announced they were getting closer to their destination.

His cheek burned long after that.

***

The affection was never his companion.

A side effect of working for Lord Commander. But that wasn’t the only reason. He had simply grown up while being taught that showing any kind of emotions led to disasters.

Life had quite confirmed those suspicions.

It always had seemed that whenever he had seek comfort and warmness the universe, the people around him and he himself had been punished for that.

(There had been times where he had been afraid of even trying to seek this kind of feelings from other people.)

Things had changed when Little Cato had been born and later on when he had fell in love with Gary Goodspeed.

For Little Cato Avocato would do everything, he would disintegrate and destroy every particle of fear inside of him if his son even needed a hug, pat on the back or comforting kiss on the nose. He had been there through every sickness and every heartbreak and every tears filled night. Until Little Cato had been ripped away from him.

Another confirmation of the suspicions.

But then Gary Goodspeed had appeared and helped him get his boy back, breaking the chain, smashing it to pieces with just a few words and things that couldn’t be described by them – words.

And somehow Gary knew how to sneak past his defenses to give enough amount of affection for Avocato to feel loved.

(Which was a dangerous thing, because after tasting it for the first time he needed more and more, finding urges and needs that plagued his mind.

Maybe it wasn’t a plague, but a calm home.)

Avocato couldn’t remember much from the time when he had been possessed by Invictus. He had bits and pieces here and there, tears in the continuum of space canvas with strings weaved together like a beautiful veil. The most he remembered were the beginning and the end.

(Shooting Gary, almost killing Gary, almost shooting Little Cato. No matter how many times he had apologized, the guilt was still there, a never-ending thread that had a start, but no end.)

Affection was something that should be familiar, yet wasn’t.

Gary patted the flashlight, which flickered and then died down, giving a few coughs of light at the end.

Avocato stared at it, furrowing his eyebrows. That was their last and only one flashlight. Avocato didn’t worry too much, he could see clearly in the dark, but humans couldn’t.

Gary swallowed hard

“It is dark as hell in there.” He murmured, staring into the epitome of darkness.

Avocato nodded.

“It is.”

“Do you think there are like super giant monsters that are gonna eat our brains and then make chairs out of our bones?”

“What?”

“It’s was a yes or no question, Avocato!” “I know, I was just surprised by it.” Avocato grumbled, atounded by Gary’s sudden outburst. “I suppose there is a possibility?’

“Oh no, we’re going to die.”

“I doubt it.”

“It’s easy for you to say, you have like twelve guns on you.”

“Eh, fourteen actually.” Avocato shrugged, loading one as he spoke.

“Even better!”

Avocato sighed, glanced into the dark abyss that spread in front of them, consuming every particle of matter that dared to go inside and then looked back at Gary who anxiously looked at the sight before him.

Gary was wriggling his hands together, playing with the hems of the sleeves as he stared at the entrance, mulling the idea over by biting his lip. His shoulders were tensed, the sudden stress almost precipitating on them. The picture was filled with the eyes jumping from left to right, desperately trying to find something to focus on for the next moment.

There was something off about the picture, something unfitting that wasn’t made to be here, like a fifth corner puzzle piece that you try to put in a square drawing.

Avocato stared for a good long minute, trying to locate the source of the problem, trying to find the root of the dilemma that clearly clung to Gary’s body.

He glanced at the cave, then back at Gary.

There was one possibility that was coming as the most plausible one here.

“Gary, are you afraid of the dark?”

The response was immediate.

“No! Me? Of course not! Definitely not! Nu huh!”

Avocato lifted his eyebrow, but put down the shotgun and then affixed it to his back, freeing both hands, so he could grab a smaller plasma hand pistol with his right one.

Gary massaged his one arm with the other hand, looking with his eyes at anything, but at the dark void that emerged in front of them.

Avocato reached with his left hand to Gary, letting his fingers twitch in the cold air of the planet.

“Come on, grab my hand and let’s get this over with, baby.”

It was said in a carefree tone, almost a joking one. But it was a play, a calculated deception to hide how much Avocato’s heart thrummed in his chest and how his mind become fuzzy at the simple prospect that they could hold hands.

Not to mention he wanted to be there for Gary if he needed him. Gary had been his support, his livewire, his lighthouse and familiar home since the moment they had seen each other and Avocato wanted to repay the debt.

He expected Gary to resist, maybe joke a bit, bicker back and forth, but he almost surged forward, clasping Avocato’s palm in both of his hands and holding tightly like he was a lifeline on a wide ocean.

Avocato wiggled his fingers a little, finding a better position and then looked towards the cave.

They moved forward, at first terribly slow, letting the light guide them for a few meters or so, before the void fully consumed every particle of light that tried to cross the boundary. It seemed like the darkness devoured all the wavelengths, letting no color inside. Only the cold, freezing blackness remained.

Even though the void expanded around them, filling every pore of their bodies, Avocato could see more or less clearly. For example he could see that there was a hole on the right after two meters and that if they didn’t move their heads down in ten meters they would hit their foreheads on the stone ceiling being suspiciously low.

The further they were walking, the more cold and freezing it was starting to be and the stronger the hold on his hand was getting.

Gary didn’t talk, as it seemed like every breath was a feat for him. A fatiguing experience that he wanted to stop doing. He was twitching and shivering all over his body, but whether it was due to the coldness or stress Avocato wasn’t sure.

Avocato squeezed back the fingers holding him, trying to send some comforting feelings and thoughts through the link.

Gary immediately gripped back, changing the hold so only one hand was interlocked with Avocato’s fingers.

They walked for a few more minutes. Exactly eight to be more precise, before Gary finally opened his mouth.

“I uh… at my home… I mean back on Earth… I lived uh… quite a long time without the electricity…”

“You did?” Avocato asked, hoping that Gary would catch a bait.

He moved his fingers a little in the hold.

“Oh yeah… After my dad died and my mom left me, I… I lived in our house for some time… I think that the Child Protective Services didn’t actually know I was left alone… They probably thought my mom was still living with me… even though she wasn’t…” Gary inhaled sharply. “I mean… it wasn’t so bad at the beginning…”

Avocato knew it wasn’t the truth. The drop of the tone, the sudden tightness in the voice, the hesitant shivers running through the fingertips sold Gary out.

“There was some spare money my dad had hidden in the vase with the fake succulents… So I used it to buy food and all the stuff…” There was an audible gulp next to him. “I was a kid back then… I didn’t know how rents or banks worked, that you need to pay for water and gas and such things… And well, after some time they…”

“Cut the electricity off?” Avocato finished, glancing tat Gary.

He wasn’t looking at anything per se, mostly staring at the ground that he couldn’t see, like by just focusing hard enough he could maybe spot the obstacles in his way.

“Uh… yeah… One day it randomly just disappeared during the evening. The house became so silent all of a sudden… I didn’t notice before but with it the house had been so loud. The fridge had been buzzing, the boiler had been bubbling, the AC had been hissing. But after that it all… quieted down. And I… I got so so scared.” A sudden break. A hiss. A sniffle. “I felt so alone.”

Avocato couldn’t really imagine what it must have felt like, but he knew a lot about loneliness. A pesky feeling. A horrible companion. A hollow sensation.

Avocato had been alone for most of his life. He knew how isolation really felt like – a weight that held down, with the gravity pulling the strings towards the bottom from where there was no escape.

He wasn’t sure how to respond to that. He wasn’t good at this lifting up other people’s moods. He wasn’t good at being there for others, even though he tried desperately to do that. He simply wasn’t good enough.

But Avocato decided he wanted to try.

So he gripped the hand tighter, letting his thumb brush across the skin and tugging the human closer.

“This had to fucking suck.” He whispered and winced immediately after that.

Yep, Avocato wasn’t the best, he wasn’t even remotely good in comforting people related stuff. It was always Gary’s thing to do, lifting people’s mood with a joke here, a pat there, a hug in-between, mixed with soft words.

In comparison Avocato was harsh and plain, cutting straight to the core.

Gary sniffed and moved his fingers, finding a better hold on Avocato’s palm.

“Yeah, it fucking sucked.”

Avocato wasn’t sure whether he was doing a good or terribly bad thing for his heart, but he tugged Gary closer, letting their shoulders brush, squeeze together like they were two pieces of a puzzle.

“You can hold onto me if you’re scared.” Avocato whispered, feeling like in the spreading void his voice was still ten times louder, shaking the waves in the air around them.

And he really meant it. He wanted to do that. He wanted to be that. Someone better. Someone more.

They weren’t living in calm times, no, they were far away from that. They had to escape countless bounty hunters and people with personal vengeances. They were wanted people, always on the run. The calm times were sparse with the rip to Final Space getting bigger and bigger with every passing day and Titans peeking curiously and dangerously at them from behind the broken threads.

All of them were scared. And all of them needed someone more.

Gary moved closer, wrapping his other hand around Avocato’s arm and almost snuggling him, but not letting go of his palm.

“Thanks.”

Avocato wanted to say that it was no problem, but his mouth failed him.

***

Not many people and aliens liked to talk with Avocato. He didn’t have problems with that. He wasn’t overly talkative person. He could keep up a conversation  if he needed to and he could give orders, but beside that he preferred to remain silent.

Especially when it came to sharing something personal. This was a giant leap of trust he didn’t think anyone should do towards him.

Yet Gary did just that. He shared his secrets, fears, passions with Avocato like it was the most normal thing to do. And Avocato didn’t feel that he was good enough to be gifted with all of those things.

He didn’t deserve any of that. Gary should have come with it to other people on the crew, but not him. Definitely not him.

“Nightfall, Gary you have to jump!” Quinn, standing next to him, shouted into the mic, holding it closer to her mouth to be audible above the clouds of explosions going off around them.

The heavy breathing was getting louder in Avocato’s own com.

“We kinda have our hands full right now.” Came Nightfall’s voice, filled with huffs and puffs and sounds of blasters going on and on.

Avocato barely could distinguish words between the noises of gunshots going off inside and outside the headset.

“Leave them be. The station is going to collapse soon. We’ll open the hangar door and catch you.”

“You better do that, because I don’t really – Shit!”

Avocato glanced at Quinn and nodded to each other, putting on the helmets and fastening the security ropes to their backs. The hangar door opened with a hiss as the vacuum sucked the whole air from the room, almost pushing them outside with the sudden gust of the force. They both kept their place, holding onto rails with one hand and preparing a gun to fire with the other.

The cosmic station K–27β was in utter disarray. Or the part of it that was still intact was quickly dissipating, shaken by the explosions and fire that roamed freely along the surface. The last tank with oxygen was exploding, fueling the fire and letting it combust more.

Just outside the ship there was a landing platform, barely holding onto the rest of the construction. It was squeaking and wheezing as too many pairs of feet scrambled across it, jumping and running around, dancing the Danse Macabre while trying to remain alive.

“I see them.” Quinn whispered into the com in her helmet and glanced at Avocato.

He could see them too, getting closer to the end of the platform, splitting their attention between checking where they were going and observing the crowd of aliens following them.

Avocato readied the weapon and shot five bullets, each and every one hitting the aliens that were pointing their guns at Nightfall.

The woman turned back and her eyes widened. Nightfall then turned to Gary, who was pretty occupied with shooting the aliens which were closest to him, and said something to him, which they barely heard through the com due to the sudden waterfall of shots.

“Little Cato get us closer.” Avocato said.

“On it.”

The ship moved closer, with the open door to the hangar hovering a few meters below the end of the platform.

Quinn sent out another round of plasma bullets, freeing Gary from the sudden anguish that was coming their way.

“Jump, now!” Quinn shouted.

“Nightfall, go! I’ll keep them occupied!”

“But–“

Avocato could see Gary throwing a small parcel at her – the main goal of their mission – and then moving to the front.

“The platform isn’t going to hold much longer. Now!”

Nightfall nodded and then leaped from the stand into the hangar.

For a moment Avocato wanted to move to catch her, but knew better not to do that, as the woman perfectly rolled on the ground and landed in a position with the gun raised up to kill two aliens that were getting too close for comfort.

Avocato was impressed, but he couldn’t watch for much longer as he had more important matters to tend to.

“Gary, now it’s your turn.” He said into the com of his helmet.

“A moment, I’m kinda in a middle of something!” Gary wheezed, rolling across the ground when one alien tried to stomp on him.

The station rattled as another giant explosion made one third of the ship crumble down, letting it float away while still burning like a comet. The aliens, which were standing closer to the edges, swayed and then fell down, moving their hands around to try to find something to hold on or grabbing their necks as the oxygen thinned out and they were left with nothing to breathe.

“Gary, the station is going to collapse! Jump!”

Through the connection Gary groaned heavily as he got up from his almost laying position and quickly glanced back at the three of them waiting for him.

“Okay, but you better –“

Everything shuddered.

This explosion was bigger than the ones before. It was bigger than each and every one before. It shook and rattled and wheezed and screamed and broke until there was almost nothing left.

The following blast of energy that erupted from the core of the station sent the Crimson Light a several meters away, covering their faces with blazing hot air that almost made it hurt to remain there.

The reinforcement of the platform broke in a few places, bending the whole construction to the side and letting aliens slip and fall down to their doom.

Unfortunately Gary was one of them. His hands clawed the metal surface, trying to find some kind of support to hold onto and not fall into the hollowness of the space that would clearly consume him in mere seconds. There was a long red streak of blood that wasn’t there before, running slowly and dripping onto the shirt.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit, fuck, shit–”

Nightfall attached the gun to her back and ran forward, stopping next to Quinn and looking around, trying to find some kind of solution to the problem.

Gary clung to a broken metal panel with his dear and precious life.

“Little Cato, can you bring us closer?” Quinn asked, voice trembling at the last tone.

“No, I can’t. Even a meter closer and the heat will start melting the engines! We need to get outta here, fast!”

“We can’t leave Gary!”

Avocato had an idea. It was a very crazy idea which required a lot of trust and strength. And an interstellar amount of faith.

But it was the best idea he had right now, so he hid his gun and said into the com.

“Gary, I need you to let go!”

“What?!” Gary shrieked, waving his feet around like he tried to find a ground or floor that simply wasn’t there.

“You need to let go. I’ll catch you, don’t worry!”

Quinn and Nightfall looked at him surprised, eyes widening for a second, only for the look to be replaced with understatement in the next moment.

To be honest Avocato expected Gary to put up a bigger fight. Maybe whine and yell, maybe angrily, maybe fearfully. He expected shouts that he was crazy. He expected something more, something tremendous.

Yet what he received was something greater than that.

“Okay, okay, I trust you. On three!”

When the three came Gary let go of the metal panel and slipped, falling down into the void of the cosmos spreading beneath and around them.

Avocato had to be precise. A millisecond too fast or too late could cost him dearly. And he desperately didn’t want that. So he observed, waited patiently, twitched and recalculated everything one more time in his head, only to take a step back and then leap forward, clicking his boots to give himself a small boost.

There was a short spasm of time when he feared, when he was terribly afraid and scared that he was wrong, they he would miss and everything would be simply not okay.

But then he reached his hands forward, crashed into the body which fell down due to the last pull of gravity around the station that wheezed and coughed, giving out its final breath.

Avocato quickly wrapped his hands around the human, gripping tightly as not to accidentally let him slip past his fingers, due to the energy of the crash that made them swing down and then back and forth. His one hand moved higher to click a button and make a helmet envelope Gary’s head, who took a sweet deep breath when the material snuck into place.

The station crackled and shimmered with tiny burst of lights and flames going on in different sectors of the last remaining part of the construction that was now crumbling to its destruction.

It wasn’t a part of their plan, but well…

The rope holding them made them swing back and forth, straining itself at some parts, but nevertheless holding onto them strongly.

Avocato exhaled heavily, feeling the warm air coming from his own mouth on his face. His heart seemed like it tried to escape from his chest with the sudden rush of adrenaline that overtook his entire core. His hands subconsciously clung tighter to a body in his grasp.

Somewhere along the process Gary’s hands sneaked around him too and now tightened the hold on him.

Gary was breathing heavily too and if Avocato wasn’t mistaken he could feel the erratic heartbeat in his chest due to the close proximity.

“I got you, baby, I got you.” He whispered quietly, whether to himself or to Gary he wasn’t sure.

But the man definitely heard him as he let out a broken chuckle and lifted up his head.

And then he simply stared at Avocato. Stared for a long time with the blood still running down his forehead, across his cheek and chin to disappear in the folds of his clothes.

Yet there was something in his eyes, something enthralling, something exciting, something more that was burning in the nicest ways. Something familiar, yet never directed at him. Something comforting, yet scary, both in the same time.

“I may be a little lightheaded due to the hit to the head, but I must say that was hot as hell.”

“You almost dying while the station exploded in the background?” Avocato asked, raising his eyebrow, quite bewildered.

“No, not that. That was terrifying as fuck.”

There was a screech in their coms.

“We’re going to pull you in now, boys.”

The rope twitched and both of them were hauled back on the ship while Gary still looked at him with eyes shining and full of something Avocato couldn’t exactly name.

Or maybe that was wrong.

He was terrified to name it. Because if he did, it suddenly would become real.

And he was scared that he might be wrong.

***

Avocato wasn’t really an open person when it came to saying out loud things he was thinking. No, that was wrong. He was straight-forward, when someone asked about his opinion. He didn’t hit around bushes, preferring honest and painful truth to comfortable lie.

But there was a difference in the truth Avocato spoke and the truth Gary did.

He couldn’t really grab the concept. The point was Avocato had a lot of thoughts. They were cluttering his mind like tiny stars, swishing through the universe of his head. They were like cosmic dust and the matter that spread around. They were like meteorites, crashing on the surface of his tongue, they were like lonely comets, sometimes just passing through behind his eyes. But he kept them all behind his teeth, guarding them with pure passion. It was better to keep those thoughts for himself, hidden away from the world. They would bring him nothing good, just more awkwardness and hesitant laughs to hide what he was really feeling.

(Even when there were thousand things he wanted to say to Gary at very random parts of the day.)

Yet Gary seemed to just say out loud the first thing that popped into his mind. His sentences were often disjointed, messy, barely holding themselves together. Yet they were honest and comforting, warm at the finishing syllables, sometimes having a joking undertone.

But he always could say things that were on his mind and almost never seemed ashamed of doing so.

Which didn’t exactly help Avocato that much. When those were simple things, it was okay. A short compliment here and there was okay. Gary was naturally that kind of a person. Plus he always complimented other people too – Quinn, Nightfall, Hue, Mooncake and AVA.

Never KVN.

(Little Cato, Ash and Fox didn’t count. It seemed like if Gary could, he would shower them with praises. It seemed that after adopting Little Cato some kind of dad mode had been turned on and even since he couldn’t stop. Not that anyone minded, no matter how many times they groaned.)

Yet there was something different in a way Gary said things to him.

Or maybe Avocato was simply adding something, giving bigger and different meaning to things that were happening around him.

The whole point was that Gary was incredibly confusing. He did things that Avocato couldn’t clearly explain, nor could he understand. He did things that introduced other, different thoughts inside of Avocato. He did things that just fueled the hope that was sparkling, coming to life in his chest, like a star that was only now being born due to masses of gases gathering and mixing together.

He did things and Avocato yearned.

And it was a dangerous thing. Something that was slowly slipping through the fingers of his control, like a fog, a dust or a smoke, sublimating from something that had been once solid.

“Hey Brocato, what are you doing?”

“Oh uh staring?”

Avocato wasn’t sure how to answer that. He just had stopped walking from the control room to his room as the cloud of thoughts swarmed through his head. He had no higher reason than needing a break to simply think.

Gary smiled at him and then turned his head to look at the window where the never-ending cosmos was spreading around them, getting bigger and bigger with every passing second, consuming matter and atoms in its wake and forming something new, something incredible, dangerous, terrifying and exciting all in the same time.

But to be fair Avocato wasn’t staring at the universe. His eyes just wandered there to find some kind of buoyant to hook himself in just in case his mind would take him far away.

“Mind if I join in?” Gary asked, glancing at him and then returning his gaze to the vastness.

Avocato shrugged, feeling as his heart jumped high in his throat.

“You’re the Captain here.”

To be honest it was mean to be a joke. If anything Nightfall was the captain of the ship, the fearless leader who knew what fear tasted like, the strongest soul that knew the devastation and horrors of the world.

But Gary was, well, still close to the position.

And the sudden grin that he showed him was worth it, even if Gary didn’t exactly take it as a joke. Maybe it was better this way. The way where he could see that blinding, radiating smile.

So they stood next to each other, staring, looking at the universe, their closest companion and their biggest enemy, the greatest gift and the most terrible unknown that was there, ever changing, never a constant, always moving, shifting, switching.

But there was beauty to it.

For Avocato for a long time space and planets had been things to conquer, things to destroy, things that had marginal value if they hadn’t wanted to obey their laws.

However that had been wrong. He had known it back then. He knew it now.

Yet somehow he had never stopped to really admire what was in front of them, next to them and guiding them with the hands on their backs. Until now.

They didn’t speak for quite a long time. Too long time to call it comfortable. Even Avocato started to sense the awkwardness in a form of small prickles on his arms. He moved his hand to rub one shoulder and dared to steal a glance at Gary.

Who looked mesmerized as he looked into space. His eyes were so wide and there was this childish glint in them, a sudden spark, a collision of atoms which formed something incredibly new. It was a joy and fear, a happiness and nervousness, electrons and protons mixing together.

And Avocato felt pulled in, felt like there was a gravitational field so strong, so deep that he couldn’t fight it. It was tugging him forward and forward, closer and closer. Maybe in the end he was falling, moving fast through the hollowness towards the source.

But in this very moment he didn’t mind.

Avocato leaned closer, feeling the tug on his chest that dared him to go forward and he really wanted to do it. He was so close, so so close that he could count all the small scars on Gary’s face.

“It’s scary, isn’t it?”

Avocato blinked and moved quickly back, like a backslash of warm smoke and cosmic dust hit him in the face.

“What, what is scary?” He asked, feeling the need to clear his throat but stopping himself from doing so.

“Space, cosmos, universe…” Gary lifted his hands and swung them at the window. “… is scary.”

“I thought you loved it.”

“I did… I do…” He said, waving his metallic hand around like he tried to find the perfect words, the most suitable combination. “But it doesn’t mean I’m not afraid of it. Because I’m like hella super afraid of it.”

“Why are you scared of it?” Avocato asked, partly genuinely curious, partly to cover the sudden heat that covered his cheeks.

“Well uh for first it’s pretty big. Like super big. Enormous even!”

“And it’s still expanding.”

“Yeah, yeah, so it’s like totally super giant and like we are so incredibly tiny and small and in the biggest picture it doesn’t terrify you? The scale of it? This super big unknown around you?”

Avocato never really had thought about it. He had had bigger problems and worries to tend to before. And now, now he also thought about other things.

“I suppose so? I’m not sure, I never thought about it to be honest.” Avocato said, whispered it even as he stared at the world. Their world.

“Oh.”

There was a beat of silence, a sudden stillness to the air. It almost seemed like the space was inside the ship, wrapping them in its embrace and blocking all the sounds from moving through it.

“Are you scared now?” Avocato asked instead.

Gary glanced at him and shrugged.

“Depending on what you’re asking about.”

“Of space.”

“Not all the time, I’m not. Just when I start to really think about it.” Gary sighed and then moved his hand to scratch the back of his head. “Mostly when I was a kid and space was some faraway place I couldn’t exactly reach. Back then it really, really terrified me. Now the feeling is a little bit smaller. You know, not mini smaller but smaller.”

Avocato could understand the implication behind it, the hidden meaning, the truth radiating behind the words like some kind of wave made of invisible particle. The fear that had moved through the atmosphere was still there. Maybe in the end it never had left Gary’s body, his bones and muscles, had weaved itself into his heart.

It seemed like an everlasting patron on their journey.

“I mean, to be fair a lot of things scare me.” Gary continued, sniffing a bit. ”Now that I said it out loud, I noticed how dumb it sounded. Gosh, sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything, you can just forget about it –“ The words poured from his mouth, swirling in the air, transforming into something new, something that coursed through Gary’s body and was making it tense and strain and Avocato didn’t want to see it.

“Hey, it’s okay.” He quickly said, moving his hand to put it on the human’s shoulder stopping the quivering movements that suddenly rattled the body. “Fear is normal.”

“Easy for you to say. You don’t look scared at all.” Gary huffed, hinting on a joking tone, but a sudden shiver appearing in the last word sold him out.

But Avocato was scared. He had been and was scared so many times. His life was a never ending stream of moments filled with terror so dark that sometimes it seemed like it could swallow him whole. A black hole that pulled everything into it.

“Very flattering of you to say, but I’m terrified like most of the time.” Avocato said, feeling the words scratching his throat.

Avocato felt really vulnerable.

“Really?” Gary asked, glancing at him.

There was something in his eyes, some hidden need, some kind of pulse that thrummed and beat and vibrated. Some kind of emotion Avocato couldn’t exactly name. Just something that made Avocato all messy inside.

Maybe it was hope, some kind of pure hope that crashed and rolled and dove, trying to catch onto something. Like a shooting star, terrified to fall down and yet hoping to rest on a safe land.

It was blinding, but it was also so so warm. Intoxicating, but sweet and bitter. Confusing, but familiar.

And it was true. Avocato had been and was afraid of many things. He was afraid of deep waters. He was afraid of losing his son, losing Gary, losing the crew and losing hope. He was afraid of new things and old stories. He was afraid to make choices that could tip the scale. He was afraid of the road they were taking.

But he wasn’t going to let that stop him from staying here.

So he nodded.

“Really.” He said, sliding his hand down, letting it hang near his body.

There was another pause, a sudden thrum of the cosmic heart that shook the universe. It was the silence which spread around them that made him focus on the heavily beating heart, on the warmness seeping into his fur and bones from the close proximity of the human, on the abrupt stillness and strange force that pushed them forward through time and space.

To where, they didn’t know.

There was a cold, a sudden stinging sensation near his paw, like a comet touched his fur, but then it quickly seeped into something warm. The feeling rested there, barely touching his skin for a few seconds, testing the ground, before it snuck closer, wrapping itself around Avocato’s palm and delicately laying there.

Avocato didn’t have to look down to know Gary caught his hand.

“You know, we can be scared together.” Gary quietly said, the voice almost lost to the stillness. “I know that won’t make the fear disappear, but well it could make it more tolerable. You know, sharing it with someone. And that someone could be me. So you know you wouldn’t have to be so scared anymore.”

Avocato let out a small laugh, a sudden chortle that seemed to simply rip out of his chest, tore through his throat like a rogue.

“Uh rude.” Gary said and moved his hand to dislocate it from Avocato’s palm.

But he didn’t let go. Avocato didn’t let him escape. He moved his fingers, interlocking them with Gary’s ones and gripping softly as to show that he was there. That he didn’t mean anything bad by it. That it was a reaction that simply had happened.

Gary stopped moving.

“Ah uh sorry. I wasn’t laughing at you, it just sounded ridiculous.”

Gary glared at him and Avocato simply knew that the man wanted to disappear.

So before Gary could pull away, he turned to the window and stared at the vast and scary space that was spreading in front of them.

“But I like it. Let’s be scared together.”

Avocato wanted and yearned and all his resolves were crumbling.

Gary was confusing like that, being able to destroy his every wall without even thinking and trying too much.

Avocato looked at the cosmos spreading in front of them, the vastness of possibilities and dangers and happiness and fear. And in this mess and haze he noticed a lone object falling down, leaving a sparkling trace after itself, disappearing a mere second later.

Gary tightened the grip on his hand.

For now he felt comfortable. He felt calm and content, even though there was a storm going outside. Their future was an unknown, it was an enigma, an undiscovered particle moving through the world.

But he had people he trusted around him. People he wanted to protect. People who were there for him. People he loved deeply. And, oh, how Avocato wished things would stay the same.

Only he knew it was wishful thinking.

to be continued

[linderu]

utakata hanabi. - ch 2/2

characters: khun, bam, rak, shibisu pairing: khunbam series: tower of god / kami no tou ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24567637/chapters/59427784#workskin

takes place season 3, right after bam beats the ranker and khun/hwa ryun spread propaganda through the tower. it’s really fluffy. while also dealing with questions of morality, priorities, the plot itself, etc. also shibisu is best wingman ever.

i want to take writing requests so feel free to send me an ask for khun centric or khunbam centric ideas!

s3 webtoon spoilers.

“How’s Bam holding up?” Shibisu’s voice rang over Khun’s pocket, echoing slightly within the large, empty bedroom he found himself in. Khun, who was lying on his back in the middle of a massive bed, stared holes into the ceiling as he contemplated their current situation.

“The same as usual. You know him, Isu.” He sighed audibly, feeling exasperated. “Taking on too much at once because he feels obligated to, and acting like everything’s fine.”

His plan had been successful. Whether that was a good or bad thing, he wasn’t sure yet.

As they spoke, rumors about a C-rank regular strong enough to take down a ranker were spreading like wildfire throughout the tower. Bam’s single fight in the testing center was what had ignited the flames, acting as a catalyst for the mass movement Khun knew was building. Soon enough, all of their ‘pawns’ would line up like dominoes, ready to fall when Bam gave the signal.

It was the work of his and Hwa Ryun’s scheming. The level of propaganda they built up around the great Jyu Viole Grace was enough to make even FUG elders stir.

He should be excited, playing a main role in designing such an event. Truthfully, all he felt was anxious-- like he was sending his best friend to his death. Not that he would show it around Bam.

“Yeah, I do. But I also know you, and I bet you’re doing the same thing, aren’t you?”

“...” Khun scowled at the ceiling, but didn’t bite back. He was too tired. It seemed like everyone had something to say about how he handled things when Bam was around lately. “What I’m doing doesn’t really take that much effort. Especially compared to what Bam has to face, soon. Leading a battle against Jahad’s army…”

“Well, Bam probably feels like that, too. Like what he’s doing isn’t enough compared to what he really wants to do. Y’know?”

Damn. Shibisu, as always, hit the nail on the head. It was infuriating, having his double standards being pointed out like this.

It wasn’t like he was wrong, though. Of course he understood how Bam felt. That’s why Khun would do everything in his power to support him-- so that when he ran into battle recklessly, he wouldn’t be going alone, or acting as some kind of sacrifice.

Khun had to prepare everything perfectly so that wouldn’t happen.

“Why did you call, Isu?” He asked, annoyance seeping into his tone. “I didn’t pick up so you could psychoanalyze me. There’s still things I need to finish before we set the date.”

“Oi, oi. I’m just looking out for my friends.”

“Well, that’s great and all, but if you have so much free time, you should spend it collecting souls. We need all the help we can get before showtime.”

“Yes, my prince.” Shibisu responded sarcastically. “I’ll get going in a minute. Don’t worry, we’ve already stored a lot. Look, I just think you two should find a way to destress before everything goes to shit. You gotta rest your minds as well as your bodies, you know? Overworking yourselves won’t make this plan succeed any better.”

“... Maybe you’re right…” he was pretty exhausted. Not to mention, ever since that other guide yelled at Bam so harshly, he seemed out of sorts. As in… he was way too invested in training with Evankhell, while also spending his downtime sulking on his own.

Khun felt powerless. Like he could only watch. He was terrible at finding the words to give pep talks, so his only piece of advice had been ‘ignore her and push onwards.’

“Even so. I don’t know what we could possibly do to ‘relax’ in a situation like this…”

“Why don’t you try ‘that’?”

“Huh?” Khun quirked a brow at his pocket questioningly, though he knew Shibisu couldn’t see his face anyway. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Be more specific, Isu.”

“Something mindless and nostalgic. Like sparklers.”

“Hmmm.” Was all Khun replied with, not wanting to give his thoughts away. It was actually a great idea when he considered it, a faint image of a younger, brightly smiling Bam with fireworks shimmering in his eyes flashing in his mind.

“Well, just consider it.” As Shibisu spoke, Khun palmed his face. He wanted to groan, but Shibisu already knew more than enough about how he felt, so instead he rolled onto his side to face his pocket and just frowned.

He wanted to see Bam smile like that again.

“Huh, what’s that, Hatsu? Okay, yeah, I’m coming!” Shibisu’s voice was muffled for a moment. “Hey, Khun. I gotta go. Just make sure you two get some rest, alright?”

“Yeah.” Khun acknowledged. “Thanks a lot for what you guys are doing. It’ll probably... determine whether or not Bam lives through this.”

“No problem. See ya!”

---

Khun knocked twice at the door. No immediate answer.

“Bam?” He called, opening the door anyway. Inside, he found Bam sitting by the edge of his bed, staring at the ground.

“Khun…” Bam finally glanced up to meet Khun’s gaze, wearing a solemn expression that tugged at his heartstrings.

Shibisu’s words preaching about avoiding mental exhaustion echoed in his head, and Khun let out a quiet sigh, stepping over to where Bam sat. Perching beside him, his hand reached into his coat pocket where the box of sparklers was nestled comfortably, but he didn’t quite pull it out yet, choosing to fidget with it instead as he contemplated what to do.

“... Bam,” he started, after a moment of heavy silence. “How’s training with Evankhell going?”

“Fine.” Bam replied, though Khun didn’t miss the way he clenched his fists. “I just wonder… if it will be enough.”

“You shouldn’t worry about things like that before they happen, Bam.” He wasn’t good at giving reassurance, but he couldn’t stand by while Bam worried himself to death. “Are you still thinking about what Soo-oh said?”

“Yeah. She was right. I… was selfish, trying to make people throw away their lives for me like that…”

“It’s not as if they didn’t have their own stake in the battle.” Khun gently reminded him. “They might not want to take this next fight with you, but that’s not a reflection of your person.”

“... I wonder how many people will die this time. If I gathered them… for my own battles… wouldn’t it be my fault?”

“The people who show up will be those who have an issue with Jahad already. They’ll be fighting for themselves. You’re only giving them a chance for revenge that they’ve always wanted to take.”

“What if no one comes?”

“That won’t happen.” Khun’s brows furrowed at the thought, knowing exactly what Bam would do if that were the case. He refused to think about it. “Hwa Ryun and I are tracking everything. Unrest has already started-- people are beginning to move. Probably, in a week’s time, the stage will be set…”

“...” Bam’s face fell, and Khun’s heart sank.

“... Bam,” Khun reached a hand up to gently grab Bam’s shoulder in what was meant to be a comforting gesture. As he thought, this was no time to simply pull out the sparklers and suggest to throw a party. He had to be strategic about how to get Bam to relax… probably, just framing it as a favor he could do for himself would be the best way. “Will you do something for me?”

“What do you need, Khun?” Bam lifted his head immediately, and though his expression still seemed sad, he looked determined to help.

Perfect.

“I need you to meet me somewhere tonight. It’s pretty important.” Khun gave Bam’s shoulder a quick, soothing rub, smiling at him encouragingly. “Can you do that for me, Bam? Do you have the time?”

“I do. What are we doing?” Bam inquired, staring at him quizzically. Khun, who fingered the box of sparklers hidden in his coat pocket, just hummed in response.

“A team activity.” He removed his hand from his coat, and stood up. “To make sure we’re on the same page. Does that sound good to you, Bam?”

“Yeah. That seems fine. If you think it’s necessary, Khun.”

“Great. Outside my room, eight sharp.” Khun winked playfully and turned towards the door, lifting a hand in farewell. He didn’t think too long about the hint of a smile he caught pulling at Bam’s lips before he turned his back to him, in fear he might stick around. “See you then-- get some rest, okay?”

“... You too, Khun. Don’t push yourself too hard.”

Khun hid his grin as he departed.

---

“Black turtle! You’re on time!” Rak dabbed excitedly in greeting.

“Rak!” Bam glanced at Khun questioningly, who stood against the wall with his arms crossed, smirking. “Is anyone else joining us?”

“Nope! Just us three. Is that okay with you?”

“Well, I’m still not sure what we’re doing…”

“I see.” Khun flashed a small smile Bam’s way, unable to help his good mood. After spending nearly the whole day thinking about it, he realized how long it had been since they had a calm, content moment to simply exist. From the second he’d woken up, it felt like both time and series of events were passing far too quickly for his liking.

Sure, they accomplished a lot, but he had wasted two years in a coma. Khun wanted to actually spend time with Bam like he had in the past… especially with their situation escalating in such a scary way.

Who knew when the next goodbye would be their last.

“Do you have the box, blue turtle?”

“Iii~diot. Of course I do. Let’s get going, Bam.”

“Box?”

“You’ll see soon.”

---

Outdoors, the ‘sky’ had already darkened some time ago. Despite understanding it was fake, a synthetic creation of the tower, Khun hadn’t lived his life knowing any different. To him, it might as well be the real deal. For Bam, considering Rachel’s original goals, Khun wondered how the sky looked to him recently.

With a floating lighthouse to guide the path, they walked a little ways away from the building, settling near a hill. A cool, comforting breeze washed over them. Khun was glad he wore a jacket, wondering to himself if Bam was chilly without one.

After a moment of thinking about it, he peeled his coat away, but not before removing the box of sparklers.

“Don’t get sick.” Khun draped the coat over Bam’s shoulders with a small smile. Bam blinked at him.

“Won’t you get cold, though…?”

“I’ll be fine, Bam.”

“But your temperature is difficult to regulate sometimes, right? I don’t want you to fall ill because of me.”

“Oi, blue turtle! Are you gonna light the sticks, or are we going to just stand around in the dark?!”

“Don’t spoil it, you dumb crocodile. Geez… now I have to.” Guess there was no point in waiting any longer. Through the faint glow of his lighthouse, he smiled briefly at Bam in reassurance, pulling out the box soon after and removing a sparkler.

“Khun-- are those…?” Khun didn’t miss the way Bam’s eyes widened.

“Do you mind playing with me for a little while, Bam?” He handed a sparkler over to Rak first with a content smile, knowing he would hear complaints if he didn’t, and took out a lighter.

“But… what about the training…?” Bam gave him a look of concern as Khun handed him his own unlit sparkler.

“This is training. I’m calling it, ‘strengthening your mental fortitude.’”

Khun clicked the lighter, and a flame rose from the tip. Wordlessly, and with an excited grin, he lit the end of Rak’s sparkler, and it burst into a bright, golden show of glitter.

“Is this really okay?” Bam questioned softly, gazing at Rak’s sparkler. Khun carefully watched his expression as it transitioned from worry, to interest, and lastly, to fondness. He could feel the tension leave his shoulders at the sight of Bam lightening up, and he knew right then that this exercise was absolutely the right decision.

“You’re working yourself too hard, Bam.” Smiling his way, he activated his lighter once more, bringing the flame close to the firework in Bam’s hand. It lit up in a flash, coloring the space between them with a soft, yellow glow.

“You are too.” Bam looked over his sparkler at Khun, his brows furrowed as if he had remembered something. “You’ve been working nonstop since I fought that ranker… no, before that. From when you woke up from your coma. Right, Khun?”

“Well…” he tilted his head, expression slightly sheepish. “It was necessary.”

“You’re the last person who should be lecturing me about working too hard!” Bam was almost pouting at this point, and Khun bit back a laugh at the sight.

It was refreshing, to be scolded like this. He pondered over what had changed with Bam’s priorities in the time he’d been missing. Honestly, Khun was accustomed to watching over Bam, and not the other way around-- after all, for the longest time, Bam had his sights set on one person only and it hadn’t been him.

A moment of silence passed. As he looked to the sky once more, thinking about the stars Bam had once been seeking, a wave of nostalgia hit him, and all of a sudden, Khun felt like lighting his own sparkler. Not a minute later and there were three fireworks sputtering, illuminating the dark night surrounding them.

His eyes fell on Bam once more, feeling a strange sense of intimacy undoubtedly influenced by his memories of the past. While watching him, he couldn’t help but remember the Bam he knew from over a decade ago, when they had first met-- staring at his sparkler in mesmerization, simply happy to be alive, surrounded by new friends, and chasing after his goals.

“Hey, Bam…” Khun murmured, his voice soft.

“Hm?” Bam lifted his gaze, and their eyes locked. Khun paused, the cool breeze gently blowing at his hair, tickling against his cheeks. After spending a moment enthralled by the way sparkles darted in and out of Bam’s golden irises, illuminating them in a rich color that made Khun feel like he was home , he finally opened his mouth, and asked--

“Why do you still want to climb the tower?”

It was a loaded question, Khun knew. Although it sounded simple, when unpacked, it held implications about all sorts of things.

How did Bam feel about Rachel? Why did he want to continue climbing the tower if he decided to stop chasing her-- his initial ‘rule,’ his entire reason for forcing the door open in the first place as an irregular? Just what were his motivations, when the journey they currently faced, already challenging to begin with, was no longer simply an ordinary path up?

When every corner they turned further and further endangered their lives, as they pissed off FUG and Jahad alike?

When the people Bam loved were being stripped from him one by one by elite rankers who would stop at nothing to kill them all?

Wars were literally starting for the simple reason that Bam wanted to protect his mentor. It was baffling, yet incredibly understandable, how so many people-- weak and strong alike-- were captivated by Bam; influenced by him into action.

Khun knew he felt Bam’s natural attraction the strongest out of anyone.

“I…” Bam hesitated, staring at Khun with wide eyes. “I just… want the strength… to protect you.”

“Me?” Khun blinked, his lips parting slightly in surprise. “Bam…”

Bam’s eyes fell, and a bittersweet smile tugged at his lips. “I realized… when I lost both you and my mentor so quickly, that I was putting everyone I cared for at risk. Pretending to be selfless, running around saving anyone who needed help, while using my friends to chase after Rachel… I was really just being selfish. It wasn’t selflessness at all.”

“So then, Rachel-- …” Khun trailed off. When he had woken up from his coma, he had talked to Bam over the pocket about it briefly, so he kind of understood his thoughts-- Rachel was no longer his primary goal because she had tried to kill Khun.

Even so. It hadn’t clicked until now what that meant in terms of what Bam was putting everything on the line for. He hadn’t simply stopped once his ties to Rachel were cut. If anything, Bam had become more driven, more desperate.

“I want to go up the tower with you, Khun.” Bam smiled affectionately at him. “And everyone else, of course. I just want to be able to protect everyone who means something to me-- no matter what it takes.”

The last of Khun’s sparkler faded, leaving them with no other light but the purple glow of his lighthouse. He was acutely aware of Rak silently watching them, and he felt a sense of déjà vu-- but he also couldn’t bring himself to care.

Bam’s sights were set on him. The thought permeated his mind.

“Let’s go, Bam. To the top.” Khun said abruptly, the words spilling from his mouth. He found himself reaching an arm out longingly, his hand resting on Bam’s shoulder in a platonic gesture-- but feeling it wasn’t quite enough , he took a step in, and slid his palm up to cup his cheek.

Bam sighed quietly in response, tilting his head into the touch; almost welcoming it.

This was uncharted territory for them, but Khun didn’t care.

“I’ll make sure no one ever hurts you again.” Bam promised.

“I’ll follow you anywhere.” Khun murmured his reply, leaning in and pressing their foreheads together. Through the dark, he couldn’t see Bam’s full expression too well, but he knew he wouldn’t be pushed away-- that they both wanted this.

How many years had he spent waiting, pining?

Their lips delicately brushed together, and Khun immediately craved more. It felt so right, and long overdue. Sturdy arms circled around his waist, fingers clinging to the shirt on Khun’s back, and to his surprise, it was Bam who leaned in, reconnecting their kiss.

He felt he could stay like this forever and be perfectly happy. But they had to get back inside.

Pulling away from the kiss, Khun’s thumb smoothed over Bam’s lips, which were slightly parted. They shared a look through the dark, communicating something silently, and then Khun stepped back completely, wearing a serene smile.

“Let’s go back inside, Bam.” He hoped the implications were clear. If they weren’t, he would make them clear once Rak was gone.

“Okay.”

“I’m so proud… of my turtles… as your leader…!” Khun deadpanned, turning around to meet a sniveling Rak. “It only took you ten years, blue turtle!”

“I’m going to kill you, you damn crocodile--!” He immediately moved to kick him, horrified. Bam didn’t need to hear he’d been waiting for that long, dammit! “What do you think you’re saying, huh?!”

“Khun--” he paused, feeling Bam tug on his hand. “Let’s go back. I want to keep talking.”

“... Consider yourself lucky. Your life’s been spared.”

---

“I heard the big event’s going down in a week. How are you feeling, Khun?”

“I think we’re ready.” Khun smirked in the devious way he often did when he schemed. “I’ve done all I can to build up the best army possible for Bam. Whatever happens from here, happens. At the very least, we’ll get out with our lives. At the most… we divide and conquer, squashing their ‘war of attrition’ strategy. They’ll underestimate us. We have to use that to our advantage.”

“We’ve definitely been monitoring the tower’s activity on our end. It seems promising. Good work, captain.” Shibisu said encouragingly. “... You sound a lot more energetic. Did something happen?”

“None of your business, Isu.” He retorted, checking the time. Bam would be done with training soon, he should wrap things up and get cleaned up.

“Ah! I know…” Shibisu’s tone became teasing over the pocket, and Khun glared in its direction. “I understand everything now! To be young and in love… oh, I’m so jealous~!”

“I’m hanging up. Bye.”

[pants-jones]

Bioshock

 The title of this is simple because Bioshock is a game I almost forgot that I played, but as soon as I remembered it a truckload of Bioshock stuff came flowing into my mind, and I decided to write about it here so I can finally seal all the stuff about these games in my brain vault forever. The Bioshock series consists of three games, Bioshock, Bioshock 2, and Bioshock Infinite. Around when Infinite came out, I heard a lotta talk about how amazing it was, but I was like 10 at the time so I never got to play it until it was free on PsPlus a couple months ago, along with the other two. The first two Bioshock games are fairly simple, in story and in gameplay. But Bioshock Infinite took the entirely new level that thinking about it now, almost a year after playing it, still blows me away. I feel like Bioshock doesn’t get the recognition it deserves, the way that games like Portal and Half Life do. But when I say that Bioshock blew my expectations out of the water (that is a pun) is a huge understatement. 

So first, let’s start with the first Bioshock.  This game came out in 2007, and it really shows with very dated mechanics. The game feels old, and for me that made it way more difficult than it needed to be. Bioshock 2 on the other hand, came out in 2010, and while the story isn’t nearly as good, it’s definitely way more streamlined. I could definitely see myself going back and playing it again. Let’s start with the first game.

Bioshock

Bioshock starts with you on a plane, examining a letter, when the plane suddenly crashes in the middle of the ocean. You’re the only survivor, and the closest thing you can see besides the burning plane parts, is this strange lighthouse. 

This lighthouse is made of stone, and it’s tall and menacing but you enter since you have no other option.  The door closes behind you and the first thing you see is this.

As you go down the stairs behind it, you enter a pod with the door open, and pull the lever inside. The pod takes you deep, deep underwater, while playing you a small video from a projector. This is 1960, so it’s very old styled. This is the first time you hear the voice of Andrew Ryan, while he tells you his philosophy and why he hates the world as it is. His initial speech is the rule he will live by for the entirety of the game. He hates government, and religion, because as he says in the speech, they all believe “a man isn’t entitled to the sweat of his brow”. I’m probably phrasing it poorly, but he means the mans hard work. You then get the first view of his creation- Rapture, the city on the bottom of the ocean.

When the pod lands, you are met with the main enemy of this game- Splicers. I think this goes without saying but Rapture has some pretty advanced technology. They’ve learned to manipulate peoples DNA to extreme levels, giving them pyrokinesis and other things. These abilities are distributed in really cool looking bottles and are called Plasmids. There are many different types of Plasmids, but you’ll start with lighting in the beginning of the game

Splicers are the results of splicing your genes way too much; they’re like crackheads, but instead of cocaine they was gene splicing. Their faces are usually cutup and they’re usually absolutely insane. But after escaping the first one you meet, you get in contact with a man named Atlas. He tells you he wants to get the hell out of Rapture, and that Andrew Ryan is the reason it’s gone to shit. He tells you that he needs to get his wife and child out with him, but when you get so close to rescuing them, Ryan bombs the submarine they were going to escape on. 

Throughout your gameplay you will hear about the way Rapture used to be, before it was a warzone. You would hear about the power struggle between Ryan and someone named Fontaine, and you will learn about how Ryan killed his mistress who was pregnant with his child. This game is full of information explaining how things went down before your arrival. Unfortunately, I’m not the best with this kind of exposition. This is a personal thing but I always mess up the story when it comes to this form of story telling. 

Now I’m gonna try my best to explain something a bit weird. If you’ve ever seen anything bioshock, you probably know about their mascot, the Big Daddy. 

This right here is a Big Daddy. They’re not robots, more like giant brainwashed people in bit suits. Their voices are altered so they sound deep and menacing, and they’re by far the strongest enemy in the game. They’re made to protect the Little Sisters- the little girl next to the Big Daddy. Little Sisters are practically little blood suckers, they can sense where a dead body with some Atom (the substance they use in plasmids) and call them Angels. They’re children turned into indestructible mosnters that are just there to get Atom. They always travel together. You can kill the Big Daddy and either free the sister, or take the Atom from her body which would kill her. There’s a limited amount of Big Daddies and the game marks how many are left in each section. Obviously killing or saving these girls changes the ending you get. You team up with some german(i think) doctor that pretty much sees these girls as her daughters to stop Ryan and Fontaine, who wants to use them for more Atom. 

The rest of the story is a bit fuzzy for me, so I’m just gonna briefly explain it here. Fontaine wasn’t a good guy, and he faked his own death and turned out to be Atlas. He and a doctor (whos name I don’t remember but she was important) pretty much took you and wiped your memory, brainwashing you so that you’d always listen to the trigger ‘would you kindly.” This twist was the biggest mind fuck, because you realize that Atlas (now Fontaine) would say those words all the time. They planted fake memories of a family in your mind and sent you to the surface, and even the letter you were examining in the start had the trigger in it. You kill Andrew Ryan before this (forgot to mention it), and you move on to get rid of this brainwashing and kill Fontaine. And to fight you Fontaine fills himself with Plasmids and Atom and obviously this doesn’t work because video games. You end the game, saving all the little sisters and bringing them to the surface, and live out your life sort of as a father figure for them. Or if you didn't save them, you just bring a bunch of splicers with you, but I don’t think this is a canon ending. This game is a solid 6/10 for me, only because of how dated it is. 

Bioshock 2

Bioshock 2′s story is pretty much the same but with a twist this time- You get to play as a Big Daddy. Unfortunately this games story felt a bit too much like the first one so I don’t remember anything big about it. You play as a Big Daddy looking for his Little Sister. The game starts with a cutscene, showing you protecting her from splicers until you get murdered by Raptures new dictator- Sofia Lamb.  She takes your Little Sister and turns her into a normal girl again, raising her up to be Eleanor Lamb. You revive yourself years later (i don’t remember how) and go off to find her. The biggest difference between Andrew Ryan and Sofia Lamb is that the splicers seem to worship her. But at the same time Sofia uses Eleanor as some sorta messiah figure, so they could be worshipping her I don’t know. In this game you get to go through newer parts of Rapture, and even get to see the new variant of Big Daddy- Big Sisters. These aren’t like Big Daddies and I’m not even sure what their purpose is, but they’re just as difficult to fight against. I’m pretty sure they’re supposed to steal Little Sisters from their male counterparts and bring them to Lamb. Towards the end of the game, I’m pretty sure Lamb ends up destroying Rapture, and you escape with Eleanor, a bunch of Little Sisters, and depending on your ending you also save Sofia from drowning. This game was a 7/10, because the gameplay was much better but the story was sorta lackluster. I’m not even sure if this game is canon in the story.

Bioshock Infinite

Bioshock Infinite is the most different out of the three. I get the feeling that the devs got sick of the underwater aesthetic, so they said fuck it lets make a city in the sky. 

This is Columbia. A city in the sky. It’s the literal opposite of Rapture. It’s bright, it’s colorful, and it’s gorgeous. This was my favorite setting in the whole series. Plasmids are now Vigors, and it takes place in 1912 (I know, surprising). This games story is extremely complex, so if I get lost explaining it I’ll link a video explaining it clearly. In this game you play as Booker Dewitt.

Booker Dewitt is a former member of the Pinkerton National Detective Agency, scarred from the events of the Battle of Wounded Knee. When his debts from gambling start climbing too high, he is sent to Columbia to rescue a young woman named Elizabeth, who’s been trapped there since childhood. She’s kept in a giant statue protected by the Songbird, a giant bird with similar looks to the Big Daddies of Rapture. 

(This is Elizabeth btw. We never see Booker’s face except for some official art.)

All of Columbia is run by one man, Zachary Hale Comstock, He’s revered as some “Prophet”, and he seems to know everything about Booker.  He’s turned the people of Columbia into a sort of cult reminiscent of the KKK, based on Christianity and white power. Which makes him and all the enemies very easy to hate. Which is good. 

This cult is opposed by the Vox Poppuli, led by Daisy Fitzroy. She was originally the housemaid of Comstock’s home, but she fled when she was accused of murdering Comstock’s wife. She took her never ending hatred of Comstock and formed the Vox, a symbol of hatred for all of Columbia and men like Comstock. 

The story begins in July 1912, when Booker is taken to a lighthouse off the coast of Maine by two very odd twins, Robert and Rosalind Lutece (they are important later), being told “bring the girl and wipe away the debt.”  This lighthouse is very reminiscent of the old stone lighthouse from previous games. But this lighthouse doubles as a rocket silo, and Dewitt is sent to Columbia from here. 

The first thing that I personally noticed is Booker’s disdain for religion, because when he’s forced to be baptized to enter Columbia he’s extremely uncomfortable.  Soon he’s chased down by the authorities, since all of Columbia has been told by Comstock that any man with a scar on his hand in the shape AD is the devil, just like the scar on Booker’s left hand. 

After evading a lot of cops, we finally meet Elizabeth. She’s never really known anyone besides Comstock and the Songbird, and she’s missing a pinky. Besides that, she has a strange ability to create these tears in space time. The first time we see this is when she creates one to 1980′s Paris, a place she's always been desperate to go to. So they make a deal- She leaves Columbia with him and he takes her to Paris. 

After multiple shenanigans, Elizabeth ends up taking Booker and herself to a reality where Booker was the martyr of the Vox Populi. Booker sacrificed himself for Daisy here, and this started an all out war between the two factions. Fitzroy believes that the Booker we play as is either an imposter, or a ghost, and she sets her forces on him. With Bookers help, Elizabeth kills Daisy, and they try to escape via airship before Songbird forces them to crash.

At this point they learn a few things about Comstock; Comstock had the Luteces build a siphon device into the tower Elizabeth lived in to inhibit her powers, and he killed his wife and then the Luteces to hide the truth. Plus, Elizabeth is actually Comstocks adopted daughter. 

Elizabeth is kidnapped by Songbird. When Booker pursues, he needs to cross a bridge that happens to have a cloud passing through it. In the brief moment that clouds pass over the bridge, it goes from a bright sunset to a cold, windy dark snowstorm.  You fight through an old building filled with Comstock’s men, and learn that Elizabeth has already been tortured and corrupted by Comstock. She believes you left her there to die. And then, you learn that Comstock’s been dead for years now.  Then you finally meet Elizabeth, she shows you that you’ve been brought to 1984, and that she is using Columbia to attack New York. 

In that cloud over the bridge, you were running for what felt like a short time, but was really 72 years. Elizabeth sends you back, because she still doesn’t view you as an enemy, and she tells you how to save herself from Comstock, by controlling the Songbird. 

After freeing young Elizabeth, the pair assault Comstock’s airship, where Comstock and Booker argue about Booker’s knowledge of Elizabeth’s missing pinkie. This ends in Booker slamming the back of Comstock’s skull onto a baptismal font, right before drowning and killing him. They move on from the conversation, they use the Songbird to destroy the tower Elizabeth was held captive in, therefore destroying the siphon on her powers. 

Songbird turns on them again, but with the siphon gone, Elizabeth uses her powers to transport herself, Booker, and even Songbird to Rapture.  Booker and Elizabeth are inside, where they watch Songbird sink and die, being crushed by water pressure. 

At this point Elizabeth understands everything about her powers, and understands everything about whatever mystery there is left to this story. She takes Booker up the stone lighthouse, the very same one we saw in Bioshock 1, and basically explains multiverse theory to him. She explains that there are an infinite amount of lighthouses just like this. 

At this point, she knows Bookers history. She knows the truth, but Booker’s so traumatized that his brain legitimately erased the memory.  The rest of this is about Booker’s past, and how this all began. 

Booker was there for Wounded Knee. It traumatized him, made him resent himself, so some day he went to repent, to be baptized. But Booker couldn’t go through with it. he gained a massive debt, and in 1893, Robert Lutece approached Booker on behalf of Comstock, requesting that he “bring us the girl and wipe away the debt”, referring to Booker’s daughter, Anna Dewitt (hence, the AD on Booker’s hand.) Booker reluctantly agreed to hand off his daughter to wipe away his debt, but when he changed his mind, he chased Robert and Comstock down. Comstock tries escaping through a portal (the same portal Elizabeth can make btw) and the two struggle for the baby. Eventually, the portal closes, and Comstock snatches her away while the closing portal leaves her severed pinky in Booker’s hands. 

She explains that the Lutece’s have tried to recruit many Booker’s to stop Comstock, but all versions of Comstock will live on unless they try to stop his birth. So she takes Booker back to the baptism- but from another perspective. Booker changing his mind last minute at his own baptism sparked to life a universe where Booker went through with it, and was reborn from that moment onwards as Zachary Hale Comstock. After overusing the Lutece’s multiverse machine, he became sterile, and stole Anna to provide a biological heir for Columbia. 

We cut back to Elizabeth and Booker at the baptism pond, where multiple versions of her are appearing in front of him. The only way to stop Comstock is to kill Booker, so he allows them to drown him. And one by one, all the versions of Elizabeth disappear. 

This is the canon ending for the game. There are some more things in DLC, like Elizabeth going to Rapture to tie some loose ends connected to Comstock and Ryan’s abuse of the Little Sister’s. And it’s confirmed that Rapture scientists got the idea for Big Daddies from Songbird, and Columbia’s scientists came up with vigors from Rapture’s plasmids. The writers went as far to explain how everything in Rapture or Columbia came to fruition, and connected them all.

I’ve never gotten such an “It all makes sense now feeling” than when playing this game. They didn’t even have to connect it to the first two games but they did and they made it work way too well. Bioshock Infinite is the best out of the three, and thanks to this review I’ve finally gotten all that stuff out of my mind. This game is a 9/10 for me. I’d definitely play it again.