#there we go a little bit of much needed introspection for my hypocrite bastard :D

[hel-phoenyx]

New Year's Eve, part 9

Following through on @corneille-but-not-the-author and @soupedepates collab with me

Who. In the damn world. Thought this was a good idea. To put me in a city patrol. With Sigismund goddamn Warsowar.

Well. The answer is easy. Of course it's Walpurgis, who else. Saying it's gonna "strenghten teamwork" or some bullshit like this. Not even him doesn't believe in that. It's just the excuse for Warsowar. So he doesn't cry or something.

The silence is deafening. We haven't talked at all since our last altercation, after Domhildr outed me. Or pretended I was gay. Whatever. I never felt inclinations, but in the little I've felt, I've always preffered men, so I guess it's true.

Just thinking about that makes my skin crawl. Amandine stopped most of the rumors and nasty remarks, but I still get mean looks. I am not the token brown AND the token gay of the cops. The diversity pass.

I hate this.

I enrolled to change the system. Now I am part of it, and in the way I hate the most.

Warsowar isn't even looking at me. You can say so if I disgust you. i'm used to it.

Always been used to it until I met Tyr.

I can't start a conversation by myself, tho. It would look like I'm making an effort. I don't want to make an effort for him. At all.

He looks paler than usual.

Some people run away when they see us approaching, I sigh. I pray every day for the destruction of the police system, even if I'd get jobless, that doesn't mean I enjoy being looked at with fear in the eyes. I mean, not right now.

I chose fear because it gave me more power than hatred. To replace love. Everything feels empty now.

I don't even have the energy to feel angry.

Warsowar looks in one of the streets, signals me to come behind him. Nothing, but we can never be too cautious. Somethimes there is (horror) drug deals in the vicinity.

I usually go first to give them time to escape. I don't care anymore.

No one. He walks one step, two steps, stops.

Still looking in the opposite direction.

"You know, POCs aren't the only people to be subjected to racism."

I roll my eyes. First words you're adressing me and it's that ? Someone took to heart my comment on the privileges.

"Right. Say that to the immigrant syrian cop. What, you're gonna lecture me on anti-white racism now ?"

"No, it's not what I wanted to say. what I meant is, the occidental world doesn't spare an ounce of pity for poeple that are not american or western european."

"The point ?"

"My name, Fenrir. Do you think it looks western ?"

... Good point. I recall mayor Sarovar is polish. Still, won't forgive that fucker for every last ounce of suffering he cast upon us. He's part of the system. And he just profits from it.

I don't see why I would take pity of that nouveau riche.

...

He's shaking.

Something is wrong.

I don't feel anger.

Am I

Am I worried ?

For mayor Sarovar's son ?

Nah.

Not a chance.

Still, there is something in his face when he turns towards me.

"Just... Wanted you to know that. That you're being unfair."

"World is unfair, Warsowar."

"Then don't add to it."

Hell, he doesn't even look mad. Just shaken. Pupils are dilated, cheeks pale, sweat is subtly covering his brow. His hands, always holding a pencil or typing on a computer, are shivering in vain.

He reminds me of someone.

Who ?

"..... We probably should stop for a while. You don't look able to continue the patrol."

"No. We have to finish the job."

I roll my eyes. That feeling of familiarity is gnawing at the back of my head. But, who in the hell-

"What's gonna finish is your heart if you don't stop for a while, you look like you're about to have a panic attack. Sit down."

Because i ain't carrying the patrol on with a colleague in this state. He could get hurt stupidly, or I could get hurt trying to cover from him. As much as I don't like him, Walpurgis is gonna kill me if his precious rich boy comes to harm, and I'm already on eggshells because of that damn rumor.

Luckily for me, Sigismund Warsowar is a good boi that listens to his elders. Fuck, I don't even know if I'm older than him. He has never looked more like a child when he sits down, try to take back the control of his breathing. The noises even strenghten that feeling of familiarity.

"Alright. We're not getting anywhere if you don't calm down, so, focus on my breathing. It should help countering the panic attack. Breathe in... Breathe out..."

"How.... Do you know how to calm down panic attacks..."

"This should be a basic skill for a cop, especially one who specialises in helping ignored people. Also I have experience, I've spend so much time calming down-"

Tyr.

That's where the feeling was coming for.

He has the exact same haunted eyes. The exact same shivering when I found him the first time back in elementary.

...

...

...

Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I do my best to steady my breathing, try to at least calm down that one. My own heart is beating like crazy.

How

How could I not recognize the signs ?

Tyr also comes from a rich family. The af Mundir are a plague to society as much as Sarovar Warsowar is.

We fought a lot back then. For good reasons. Or petty ones. But I never, ever, projected the sins of his family upon him.

...

Ha.

I've been an hypocrite, haven't I ?

Sigismund ends up calming down. I extend a hand. He takes it. He's still shaky, but at least his cheeks are less pale, and his breathing seems to have stabilised.

"Better ?"

"...... Yeah. Thanks."

"Don't mention it."

I start walking, leading the patrol this time. But before I turn up the corner, I throw a look towards him, following a little more hesitantly.

"Look, I still don't like you, man. But i'm sorry. For dragging you into my mess."

"I didn't... Expect an apology, especially right now ?"

I sigh.

"You don't have to take it. That also does not mean we're buddy buddy or that I suddenly like your girlfriend. I still owe her a forced outing. But you had nothing to do with this and I'm the one who dragged you in, so I at least owe you this one."

".... Apology accepted. Thanks for owning up to that, at least."

I smile. Bitterly

"You know, you remind me of someone. And I still have to decide if it's a good thing."

***

Alright.

I held up my part of the contract, I apologised to Sigismund. Still can't stand that fucker, but at least it's for legitimate reasons, now. Ha.

No way in hell i'm apologizing to Domhildr. I'm still contemplating reminding her who has the power here. And even if I'd do nothing, I've thrown shit, she outed me, we're even, somehow.

That means there is only one person left.

I don't have any news about Tyr. Last time I've heard about him, it was through Gustav telling me he is crashing their house, screenless for a good while, so he can play with the kid. The kid that bears my name.

He also told me Kriss forbade him from giving me news. She's updating all his friends taking her calls on how he's doing. The precision is telling me not all of them do.

Looks like I have, after all, get them away from each other.

I am not even satisfied.

So. I don't know in which state I'm gonna find him. But I at least have to try and make things up to him.

I remember the hospital bed, and my face scrunching up when I saw who was next to it. The words, coming out of my mouth, "what the fuck is THAT ONE doing here ????". Then the insults, the fights.

I remember raising my fist.

I remember a snappy voice cutting me immeditaly.

"Enough."

He was on the hospital bed. Fist clenched. Looking at me with a rage I have never seen.

His finger extending to the door.

"You get the fuck out of here, Fen. Now."

I remember the look, not vindictive, I expexted to find on THAT guy's face. Instead there was worry. Worry, but never for me. I was, I am, insignifiant to both of their eyes.

I never want to see that look on Tyr's eyes ever again.

My finger presses the call button.

Kriss, surprisingly, answers.

"Fenrir, what an unpleasant surprise."

"I take it you still resent me."

That's not a question. That is, anyway, quickly answered.

"Still do indeed. But this is not about me. I suppose you call to talk to Tyr ?"

"... Yeah."

"You're an intelligent one. All the others tell me they tried to ring his phone that he turned off. I'll let you have that, you do know better."

Even that doesn't make me smile.

"Can I ? Please ?"

"Oh. a please in-between the fangs of Fenrir Wolffsen, what a surprise. Tell you what, just for that please, I'll hand the phone to him. But I warn you. If it's not for an apology, I will come to your apartment and beat you up."

Kriss is not up to the challenge and I know it, yet I shiver in terror. The idea of that 1m70-something woman coming to my flat to kick me in the balls has something unsettling. Probably because it's Kriss.

I hear her talking through muffled earphone, probably with a hand on the mic while she's warning Tyr. before, Finally, I hear a tired, deep voice on the other side of the mic.

"Hello, Fenrir."

".... Sup."

"I have to warn you, he continues, still emotionless. Kriss told me that if the next words out of your mouth weren't an apology, I would be allowed to hang up. and i'm very tempted to do so. So, do your worst."

That tone hurts me more than the words.

"Okay. I 'm sorry."

Pause. On the other side of the phone, apparently, my conversation partner is stunned. But I am not finished.

"I realise now that I've acted rashly out of jealousy, and hurt you uselessly in the process. And I don't like seeing you like this, Tyr. Especially of it's because of me. So I am really, really sorry for my actions regarding Domhildr and Sigismund."

And I think I believe it.

A sigh rips through the mic.

"... That's already something. But you know, Fenrir, I want you to understand that it's not only because you've been completely insensitive about Domi's flirting attempt that I've been that hurt. It's all the insinuating about my own self-worth."

"... What do you mean ?"

"I'll tell you a little something. When people ask us constantly if you ever get tired of being the second choice, you start believing in it. I'll choose to believe because I do not think you're that heartless that it was a coincidence, but it didn't come at a good time. At all."

Another sigh.

"So. Congrats. You managed to destroy the relationship between me and the woman I'm in love with. Doing so, you jeopardized our own."

... A goal reached, eh, but at what cost ?

I used to believe they were the reason you didn't choose me, back then. Now I don't even know if you'd choose me anyway.

I should let go of it.

Yet

You've always been my first choice.

Why can't you see it ?

Why am I not yours ?

".... I'm sorry."

"And I'll choose to believe you are. But I don't think you've earned my forgiveness on this one with just words. Prove me you've changed and I'll think about it. Leave them alone. Domhildr, but also Oli, or even Meili even if sometimes he deserves it."

Pause.

His voice get harsher.

"And especially Kaizarz."

...

I won't get better, will I ?

"Alright. i'll try. In the meantime, I have a favor to ask of you."

My voice is trembling. Fuck.

"What is it ?"

"Kriss told me you're living at her house for the time being, and you didn't got out at all. So what do you think if I organised a little outing with everyone ? Aarni, Brynja, Gustav, Hector, Thorfinn. For old time's sake."

I hear an hesitation, some words thrown probably to the power couple. before something exhales on the phone.

"... Alright. I'll let you organize the details with Gustav, I am absolutely not in the right mood to be the party organizer. Find us a good bar, let's get wasted, for old time's sake as you said. But I am not accepting this invitation as your friend. You're still on thin ice, Fenrir."

".... Fair enough. I'll call Gustav later."

"Fine by me. Good bye, Fenrir."

A click.

He hangs up.

Something runs on my cheeks.

Wet.

Weird.

I have not cried since that day on the hospital.