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[wolfchans]

BANG CHAN X NYLON JAPAN | EDITED

[365days365movies]

March 7, 2021: Onward (2020) (Part Two)

Do I like this movie so far? I do. I do like this movie. But...

Hasn’t beat Finding Nemo yet, just saying. And I do like this movie, really. It’s enjoyable! And I want to see more of this world (also, the pixie bikers are GREAT), BUT...it’s not Nemo quality yet. To be honest, for me, it’s currently on the level of A Bug’s Life.

That said, A Bug’s Life is one of my guilty Pixar pleasures, and I saw that movie in theaters. Yeah, I’m old as shit. But putting Onward on the level is a compliment, I guarantee. Anyway, I’m only halfway through, so let’s go back into it! Part One is right here!

Recap (2/2)

So, the boys are pulled over by the cops, and Dad walks out of the trunk right in front of them, weird upper body disguise in tow. And the boys...decide to disguise themselves as Colt (the cop from earlier, and their mom’s boyfriend), in front of Specter (Lena Waithe) and Gore (Ali Wong), a cyclops and faun cop respectively. 

Which I don’t get, because you literally have a half of a dude right there. Just tell the people in a world where magic is in the history books that you’re trying to help your dead dad with magic. Like...is it not that simple? Because I feel like it totally is.

But in reality, this is a plot device to get Ian to admit to Barley that he thinks he’s a screwup. See, they disguise themselves as Colt (goddamn TERRIBLE idea, by the way), and the disguise is broken by lying, with Ian at the head and doing the talking. ALSO A TERRIBLE IDEA, BOYS.

Said conversation (which includes the cyclops confirming she’s a lesbian in a barely inclusive move that the media jumped ALL OVER Pixar for at the time) eventually turns into the faun calling Barley a screwup, and Ian attempting to defend him, only for the dissolution of the disguise to confirm that he actually thinks Barley’s a screwup. Cool. Probably was a better way to do that narratively, but...sure?

Things are tense in the car, as Ian tries to defend his actions to an understandably upset Barley. Although, to be fair...Barley doesn’t seem to not not be a screw-up. Which is probably a little unfair of me, because he hasn’t actively screwed up...much. I mean, the pixie biker fight was entirely his fault, but none of the other stuff has been him.

And that’s what Barley points out when he angrily pulls over and gets out of the car. When Ian disagrees, Barley challenges Ian to agree to go on the journey to the Gem via the previously mentioned Path of Peril, a more dangerous pathway. As they argue, they’re interrupted by their dad’s legs, which dance with them and allow them to open up to each other a bit. They agree on Barley’s idea to take the path.

Meanwhile, Laurel and Corey are off to save the brothers from the curse, which manifests as goon as they grab the gem. To do so, they need to get Corey’s sword from a pawn shop, run by Grecklin (Tracey Ullman), a goblin who owns the shop. After she upscales the price of the sword once learning of its rarity, Corey just knocks her the fuck out with a scorpion sting! Nice. They take the sword, while Laurel gets a call from Colt.

Colt’s also looking for the boys, who make their way on the Path of Peril. They encounter a ravine, and the only way across is to cast an invisible bridge that relies on trust. You know, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade style. Despite a mishap involving a lack of rope, Ian makes it across, and let’s down a bridge to allow Barley and their dad across as well. Oh, and Colt, too.

Colt arrives, and tries to get the boys home, completely ignoring their quest and planning on bringing them in. Ian pretends to go along with it, but instead gets in Guinevere and guns it down the path. They reach a dead end, now being pursued by multiple cops, and have seemingly no way out. But Barley...Barley sees a way out.

GUINEVERE NOOOOOO!!! You were a valiant steed. The van’s destroyed, the cops are blocked, and the boys make their way down the path, fraught with danger...and feral unicorns! Whish is something that I will one day incorporate into a game, I SWEAR it.

They find their way to a cave, and need to get down a river to get there. They do so by riding a giant cheese puff that Ian makes. Nice. And delicious. While on the S.S. Cheezy Poof, Barley reveals another of the few memories he has of his father: his death bed. Whoof. They land the Poof, and go down a booby-trapped pathway where they meet up with a gelatinous cube. Neat. Also very bad.

But they get out of that, out of a water trap, and finally reach the end of their quest, which leads to...the school. Ah. Fuck.

Well, this leads to the inevitable Act 3 blow-up from Ian to Barley, blaming him for his idea to go down the Path of Peril, and officially calling him a screw-up. Barley’s not given up as of yet, but Ian is done, and he storms off. Barley, desperate, goes back to an old stone well nearby, which was being torn down at the beginning of the film. He climbs on top, causing the construction workers to call the cops.

Ian, looking over a cliff with his dad’s legs, looks at a list of thing he had wanted to do with his father. But as he reads through it, he realizes that he’d actually already done all of those things...with his brother.

The real father was the brother we made along the way.

That made me laugh harder than I should have, but...that is weird, right? Like, his real dad has been his brother all along? And yeah, I get that it’s more of an “appreciate your family” message thing going on, but...I’m not crazy to be seeing the problematic nature of the execution of that message, right? RIGHT?

Well...father-brotherly-love aside, Ian realizes this just as Barley realizes that he’s had the key to their problems in his hands. Literally, he has a stone key, and he uses it to open up the well, revealing the Phoenix Stone inside of it. But when he takes it out, well...it’s curse time.

The curse manifests itself by going into the school and grabbing equipment paid for by taxes, and uses it and the stone infrastructure of the school to become...

...a goofy-ass-yet-somehow-kinda-imposing stone dragon. As the brothers flee the mascot-faced stone dragon, who should show up but Laurel riding Corey, which solidifies her status as best movie mom. They go to take care of the curse, while the boys go to fully revive their father before the sun sets.

Laurel and Corey go up against this thing, but crash into the ground. Laurel, being the BEST GODDAMN CHARACTER IN THE MOVIE, uses Jazzercise moves to take out the dragon...temporarily. It’s not quite enough, but she got real goddamn close. Barley decides to give up his chance to say goodbye to his Dad, but Ian takes his place instead, noting that he never had a dad, but he had his brother. He goes to slay the dragon, and succeeds with magic and the help of his mom.

It’s cool. But, uh...Ian misses the opportunity to meet his father, after all of that. Barley, however, gets that opportunity...which we only see from afar. And it’s poignant, and sweet, and...oddly a little anticlimactic. It’s uh...I dunno, guys, I’m not sure.

Wilden disappears after a hug with Barley, and Barley goes to tell his brother what his father said, which was that he was very proud of the young men that Ian and Barley grew up to be. He also gave him something else to give Ian.

Sweet.

The epilogue reveals that everybody’s had their lives changed a bit. Corey’s still the manager of the tavern, but approaches it with a few and fun vigor (I really like Corey, by the way; she’s my second favorite). She goes out with new friend and fierce warrior Laurel on some night for some good old fashioned adventuring. Fuck YES.

Colt, taking on a comment from Barley earlier in the film, has stared running on his horse legs, rather than using his police car, and is also getting along better with Ian and Barley. Barley is...to be honest, still exactly the same, which feels...a little wasted, not gonna lie. And Ian is now far more self-confident, and is learning an adeptness for magic, which the entire world is now beginning to rediscover. And Ian and Barley, their relationship stronger than ever, sets out of the adventure called life in a new Guinevere.

And that’s Onward! And...I mean...it didn’t beat Finding Nemo. Didn’t suck either, but...you know what, we’ll get to it in the Review. See you there!