#there is this joy that i don't think any cis person could experience

[t4tstarvingdog]

and i feel transgender joy this holiday season

[ohnoitstbskyen]

So I know you headcanon Nami as a lesbian and Luffy as aroaco (both which is heavily agree with!) What are your romance/sexuality headcanons for the other Strawhats?

Hm. I think Zoro is ace, but not aro, but also the only thing he's really in love with is his dream of fulfilling his promise to Kuina, becoming the greatest swordsman in the world. Once he accomplishes that... well, I am not 100% sure he'll survive accomplishing it, actually, I think the story is signaling pretty hard that his moment of transcendence is going to be connected with the moment of his death (the "King of Hell" thing, all the Buddhism imagery, his tendency to find revelations about swordsmanship on the brink of death) but if he does survive it, that's when maybe romance can become a consideration for him. Maybe. That's when he can figure out who he's even into.

Sanji is extremely romantic - hyperromantic, even - but honestly in a way that's... almost totally disconnected from actual romance? He worships women as divine goddesses and sources of extreme aesthetic and emotional joy for him, but he seems to struggle enormously to actually relate to them a lot of the time. He seems more invested in Being A Gentleman Who Loves Women than he does in... actually being in any sort of a realistic relationship with a woman.

Pudding is the closest he comes to forming an actual romantic relationship, and even then, so much of it is ultimately motivated by his romantic fantasy of Being The Prince, of being the noble, self-sacrificing hero who Saves The Girl, of Being A Good Man. Committing to her is, for him, an act of self-sacrifice, for the sake of his crew, for the sake of his family (Zeff and the Baratie, not the Vinsmokes), and for the sake of her more than it is an earnest desire to build a future with a true partner. He's resigning himself to a life of being her perfect domestic husband servant, in worship and adoration of her, but never in partnership.

In an extremely weird way, the vibe I get from Sanji is he's like a... hyperromantic... aromantic? He's EXTREMELY invested in romantic fantasies, but not so much in the actual day-to-day mundanities of romance, he's in love with the idea of being in love, with the experience of being in love, with the thrill and act and performance of being in love, more than he is in love with any actual person?

Partly this comes down to One Piece just not being a romance story - romance is generally sidelined and elided in most situations, and Sanji's romantic obsessions are played for comedy 99% of the time, they are not taken seriously, so he never has an opportunity to really go through the process of romance as a grounded, flesh-and-blood process, but I can only discuss him as he is presented.

Robin, I think, might be the most straightforward of the crew. I am on board with the Frobin agenda, I think she's probably straight and... if not cis, then about as cis as you can be with a power like the Hana Hana no Mi. And I think she genuinely would be very attracted to a loud, dependable eccentric like Franky, as the other half to her quiet dependable eccentric personality. Especially since he is loudly and obviously an extremely decent man with a heart of gold, and Robin carries so much trauma of being a "devil child," I think she probably needs that kind of uncomplicated light of goodness in her life.

Usopp, again, is probably a fairly straightforward sort. The live action gives him a thing for Kaya, but I could see him being bi or pan, but much like Zoro I don't think he's going to quite have the capacity for Romance™ until he fulfils his dream of becoming a great warrior of the sea (he already has, of course, but he needs to internalize it and realize it within himself). I ONE HUNDRED percent believe he might end up taking a Giant for a spouse.

Franky is... okay this makes no sense whatsoever but I feel that he's gay? But also would fall for Robin? ... but in a gay way???

Look I don't know how that works either, it's a vibe it's a brain feeling it's a wibbly wobbly romance gender sort of situation. Franky is clearly in love with the male body, with masculinity, with maleness, and he especially loves building himself into those images of hypermasculinity, but he does in a way that feels hella queer to me. I don't really think you can be a self-made cyborg building his own body without being some flavor of queer-coded, like, I just don't think that that can be a cishet thing anymore.

He would fall for Robin is my point, in part because they share a knack for creating themselves, in part because Robin would appreciate and need him, in part because she would adore his cybernetic self-creation and find it charming and beautiful, and I think he needs someone who will love his creations (including, y'know, his body) as much as he does.

It's like... y'know how Neo and Trinity in the Matrix are clearly, OBVIOUSLY a t4t couple even though they're both technically cis in the text of the story? It's like that with Frobin for me. Yeah, sure, they're both cis and straight, but also they are trans and gay.

Jinbei I have no idea, actually, he could be into absolutely anything. Kind of a gay bear vibe? That's the best I got. Chopper is a child and I don't think he really has any idea yet either, and Brook... look, I don't think you can be THAT level of flamboyant rockstar and not be some flavor of queer. The Soul King wears Elton John outfits half the time. I don't know that he has a sexuality anymore necessarily (he could be ace, what with the having no carnal flesh and all), but if he's not at least bi romantically then nothing about him makes sense.

[lunchtimebedamned1997]

Fanfic Recommendations, Installment #1!

This is a long one! But even if you don't read all of my words here, you should definitely read theirs!

. ★.`.☆...☆.`.★ .

It feels as though it would be some sort of terrible crime not to highlight the most wonderful fic series that has been circulating its way through the Hazbin Hotel fandom over the last little stretch of time. Yes indeedy, I’m speaking of nothing other than the meteor shower series by spoondrifts on A03 (and ofc as @cringefailvox here on lovely tumblr!)

               This enthralling little series is currently comprised of two parts; time has changed the metaphor and its sequel, dragging its tail in the sea.

Herein we get the most delectable example of polyam, QPR, label-less goodness that I dare say there has been a gaping lack of up until now! (and if I am mistaken, I am happy to be so so wrong so long as you send all those good fics my way!!! My perceptions are fallible)

And who might make up the delightful QPR trio featured in this story? Why, none other than our most beloved Alastor, Rosie, and Vox!

I will admit to you, my dear reader, that I was skeptical of how this trio would function together. A fool, even. But the fanart (here for pt.1 fanart) (and here for pt.2 art) drew me in, it delighted me, and the writing, well, the writing simply blew me away.

How lovely it is to sit down and read such gorgeous, thoughtful, and perfectly complicated renditions of these characters. One that deeply explores the bounds of non-traditional connections, and the twisting, complicated ways we can come to find others in our hearts. Because it seems that even in hell, there can be things that make you feel foreign amongst your peers. That is, if you don’t let yourself be known.

The way Spoondrifts dives into the mentality of the three characters is such a joy to read that I scarcely think I have adequate words to express how exactly it is I feel.

To be Queer in any form is such a varied array of experiences, indescribably vast; and while labels can often be a freedom for some, especially as a place of belonging, or a reaffirmation of identity – or even simply that labels often act as a gateway to community and support – there are many that feel labels restrict them. That those labels are another set of rules they don’t fit neatly into, a chafing reminder of common-society’s boundaries in a place that is supposed to offer refuge.

This is precisely why many have embraced and reclaimed the word "queer" itself as a catch-all term for ‘outside the cis-het bubble’.

Yet, we often jump, especially in fiction, to labeling exactly who and what a character may be. Defining their relationships with immense detail, and fighting ruthlessly over canon vs. fanon vs. fanon-but-less-popular. Yet, here in this fanfic, we see a shining example of the complicated web of queer experiences. Of connection. Of love and care.

A refreshing lens to be sure.

It is a story that says ‘these characters are enough, as flawed and rotten and lovely as they are, and so are you.’ – and isn’t that the very crux of this fandom itself? Is the commentary on Christian religion and the people that claim to uphold it, not in and of itself a similar thing? A story that says ‘you can be terrible and wonderful. You can be awful and be loved. You can be different and be whole.’

In watching the series itself, there was something cathartic for me, too personal for me to write in too great of detail in the here and now. But it made me feel loved. It made me feel like even if I wasn’t perfect, I could still have worth. That I could make mistakes, and still be allowed the grace of second chances if I’m willing to learn and grow from any of the mistakes I'll inevitably make on this complicated journey of life. And so, so much more.

That is how this fanfiction made me feel. Loved. Warm. Safe. Free to be a mess of a human (because aren’t we all?). And still at the end of the day be worthy. To, someday, be loved and cared for in whatever ways I need. That none of us are too much or too little.

I’ve been straying away from labels myself over the years, knowing I fit into a few different nooks and crannies within our vast umbrella, but not quite vibing with a lot of the words anymore. Life is, after all, a journey of discovery; and I’d be a fool to say I know and understand all of myself when I’m not yet even 24 – and fics like this, this fic, made my chest ache in the way the thought of kissing a woman once did. Maybe there’s something there for me to discover, maybe there isn’t. Perhaps it’s just my neurodivergences and my queerness aligning into a desire - and deeply rooted fear - for being seen.

But regardless of how you do or don’t identify, I think anyone would feel a deep fondness for the bonds within this story – though if you align with any of it yourself, it may of course hit you even more profoundly.

The pacing of the story is beyond impeccable and it never once feels stuck in a ‘set of locations’. The world of the pride ring feels sprawling and alive within these words despite spending most of our time within Rosie’s domain.

The care and thought that was given to each character and their depictions - just, damn. Every action felt grounded, understandable for each individual character, and kept you wanting more of each and every bit. Elements of canon were woven into a beautiful tapestry of fanon that feels so real and so right, that if Viv said it was true in a parallel version of Hazbin-Hell, I would believe you in a heartbeat.

The three characters play off of each other beautifully and enticingly, without sacrificing an ounce of what makes them (particularly Al and Vox) ripe for a good ‘you fucking dumbass, get it through your head’ shoulder-shake.

I can’t say too much more without simply gushing over every sentence and ruining the experience for those who have not yet read it, but let me just say: wow. As well as: Thank you, Spoondrifts. What a lovely gift you’ve given us. Thank you for your words. For this exploration of relationships, and hearts that beat a little funny.

[mariamagdalenaposting]

Let's talk about genitalia

Crossposting my own essay from Reddit that I wrote for r/actuallesbians because why the hell not. Enjoy!

*****

Dear community,

Yesterday, I happened upon a post on here - that in the meantime, went down - by a trans woman asking the community the simple question whether they liked women with penises. I clicked on that post despite my experience telling me not to expecting the comment section to contain the usual flow of love and wholesomeness that this community shares. But I was disappointed.

After I blew off some steam yesterday I decided to share a few thoughts on the matter in the form of this small essay. It is not meant as a call out post, rather, I wanted to offer a fresh perspective on that topic that I hope all people on here, explicitly including cis lesbians, can benefit from. I am happy about feedback in the comments.

I am currently reading a book by the great Alison Bechdel - if that doesn't ring a bell, do look her up - that reminded me of a simple fact: The lesbian movement, at its inception - obviously distinct from lesbianism as a whole - offered the promise that it would not simply replicate heterosexual relationships, adapted for relationships of women towards other women. It would rather strive to develop something entirely new, so profoundly distinct from heterosexuality that lesbian love and lesbian desire would be recognized as clearly distinguished from heterosexual relationships.

In my limited experience, what that has meant for me on the part of desire has been recognizing that what comphet made me believe about desire was that desire sprang from the partial fulfillment of a fantasy by something that happened in reality. As it always is, recognizing that has not yet let me stop holding on to these fantasies. So I get it. Especially when I am starved for affection and when my need to experience pleasure and desire is not met, it is soothing to make the trip to wonderland. And all of us, from time to time, need soothing.

At the same time, I am grateful for another experience: That where expectations end, true desire reveals itself. When I let go of this search of my touches of an experience some fantasy told me would be there, I am free to turn my touches into an exploration. It is such an immense joy to experience the never ending diversity of a body in this way, over and over and over. And it is a profound expression of love to be cherished in this way.

I was lucky to get a whiff of what posibilities desire harbours and I hope that my life will continue in this exploration.

I think that it is natural for any exploration to come to a crossroads from time to time and to explore down one path but not the other. I even think it's an integral part of it; some of the joy of exploring comes from making a decision and seeing where it takes you. And no one can judge you for not being pac-(wo)man: You don't have to go down every path.

That brings me to the diversity of women's bodies. As I said, for me, it has been a bottomless well of joy to get to know very diverse women and their bodies and to overcome my preconceptions to meet on a much deeper level. But I would lie if I said I overcame every preconception I have. There are women who don't inspire desire in me. This area of unknown is a temptation for me to fall into one of two judgements: Either I, myself, am a bigot for not experiencing this desire which I know could be there. Or this person is undesirable.

It should have become clear how ridiculous both statements are. Yet at the same time, I fall into these judgements every day, because it is easier to have the false security of knowing everything than to let the unknown be. At the same time, letting the unknown be, in this case, is the only option to not unnecessarily hurt myself or others with my preconceptions. So this is what I strive for, and I invite everyone to do the same. As I said, the unknown can be your greatest friend when search turns into exploration. But i know that it sometimes just isn't.

That said it is time to return to yesterday's post and specifically the comment section under it. The sentiment I found there numerous times, repeated over and over, condenses to the following: "I don't like penises on women, but I am sure there are other lesbians who don't mind." This strongly resonated with my experience of the false alternatives I mentioned above: First, people told OP that they themselves didn't experience desire for penises so far, then, they went on to tell that the highest they thought other lesbians would go would be accepting penises, which is very different from desiring them.

At this point I want to remind everyone that it is typically not people asking these questions who are already very secure in their belief in their capacity to be desired. Transphobia tells trans people that their bodies are undesirable because they might not 100% conform with the phantasies we soothe ourselves with. The same, I have been taught by others, goes for racism, perisexism and ableism. That doesn't mean that these bodies don't fall victim to fetishization. I am talking about the same, unbound desire I was talking about above. As I said, I think it is natural to not explore every possibility; but telling someone who is possibly asking for reassurance that they are not desirable is a whole other deal. And I think we should all strive to refrain from that in the future.

I firmly believe that all our diverse bodies are beautiful and desirable and hold infinite treasures for those willing to explore. And this is the sentiment I want to spread in this community.

I mentioned it above, but I once again want to thank all the intersex-ed people that shared their experiences under yesterdays post. For me, a perisex person, these things are invaluable to hear. I want everyone who is not perisex, not white, not able-bodied, not cis, not ..., to feel encouraged to share their experiences below, in support or in criticism. (also true for tumblr!!)

[thisvegetabledoesntfallinlove]

well, first of all, i just wanna say thank you. it's really inspiring that you're so open about your sexuality, cause i just can't find the courage to come out to my parents and grandparents. especially in my country, where gay marriage is literally BANNED and our country just... straight up hates us.

i'm mostly writing you this because today my grandparents asked if i 'found any cute boys in my class' and it just made me straight up uncomfortable (i think i'm bi, but i'm generally more attracted to girls). i don't blame her of course!! it's just... i don't know. this could probably be avoided if i just came out, but i don't know how they would react.

sorry my 'ask' is so long but i just wanted to thank you. really. it boosted up my spirits just seeing a queer person go against the hate (referring to that anon), and just being open about their sexuality in general. i don't think i'm quite ready yet to come out to my family, but you did certainly help, even if just a bit. so again, thank you.

I'm sorry you're going through that. coming out is a very individual experience and you gotta do whats right for you and at your own pace. especially when the general political atmosphere of your country is dodgy, it's fair to be nervous or to not come out at all.

our situations are pretty different, but I've had the experience of being bi and having people talk about Future Hypothetical Boyfriends and feeling eughkejgjhgeighg because I was thinking about girls, so I think I understand that specific discomfort you describe. its rough.

I'm happy to be able to lift your spirits though! and I promise queer joy exists, and is also possible for you specifically. there was a time I didn't think I could be happy, but nowadays I can count the cis people I talk to on one hand, and there's pride flags flying over my house year-round. being visibly, openly queer is a delight for me because it gets the trash to take itself out, and because I get to make other queer people feel a little safer and less alone.

[altik-0]

The space between "they" and "she"

Another year, another long gap between personal updates, lol.

Last report was:

🏳️‍⚧️

same name for now

they/them

^ subject to change

Current status report:

Still 🏳️‍⚧️

new name (not sharing publicly though, sorry)

she/they

^ still subject to change

But this is just the matter-of-fact, Reader's Digest version of things. There's a lot more weight behind this, and I'd like to talk about it.

There was a very long time where I described my gender as "anxiety." At first this was a joke -- "haha, yeah, my gender is <pick mental health problem from checklist>" -- but it quickly became clear that this was a very apt description of my reality. Nearly every waking moment I spent thinking about gender, and how it intersected with my lived experience. How did I feel? How DIDN'T I feel? Was it real, or was I faking it? Was I actually trans?

I went into therapy thinking that finding an answer to that final question was what I needed to do. I sort of understood that it was the wrong question -- nobody could tell me the answer to it other than myself, after all. But with how much doubt and worry filled my mind, it's hard to blame myself for feeling that I needed help figuring it out.

Over time, the work that ended up actually helping me was confronting the anxiety. Slowly dipping my toes into new things, and allowing myself to feel the stress of the new thing that felt overwhelming. Allow my circle of comfort to slowly stretch and expand until these new experiences were no longer terrifying, and I could explore them without the fear overwhelming any other feeling.

And that was hard work. Gender is a wide, all-encompassing thing. I quickly found that despite how considerate and progressive I considered myself, the reality was that I never truly confronted the realities of gender, even in a very basic way. It took time, there was really no way around it.

When I last came to this blog to share my truth, I was still mid-process. Truthfully, I still am. I'm not convinced that transition is something that ever truly ends. However, I am definitely farther along than I was, which makes it much easier to say out loud what I always really felt: I'm a trans woman, and I want people to know that.

I set my pronouns to "she/they" where the option is available, because I want to project my transness to others. I tell people I use either pronoun, and am pretty insistent that either is okay when they ask if I have a preference. "What's important is that I'm not a man," I will tell them.

In my heart, I have a preference. There's a flutter of recognition that genuinely makes me feel a little more me every time I hear a "she" come from people I'm speaking with. "They" does not bring this same joy. I'm not sure how I'll feel if someone actually takes me up on the "feel free to use whatever neopronouns for me if you feel they fit" offer, haha.

However, that preference doesn't reflect how I see myself. I have a friend who describes herself as "a trans woman, but not a woman" -- not because she does not consider trans women to be women, but because she specifically doesn't see herself as one. I deeply resonate with this idea. I've seen many trans women talk about how they wish they had been born a cis woman. I, on the other hand, feel fairly confident that had been AFAB, I would have ended up being trans masculine instead. Being transgender is a critical part of my identity, and I WANT it to be.

Still, I'm not finished growing, and still don't live as loudly open as I think I'd like. I'm in a comfortable spot where I can at least reasonably well pass right now, and in the white Utahn suburbs, there is a critical sense of safety that comes from that. I'm hoping to push myself a bit harder as time goes on, and knowing the spicy political fire burning in my heart, it will only be a matter of time.

[girl4pay]

hello angel and how are you today??? i'm very excited to be in your inbox all of a sudden.

i had a question for you relating to nannying, and if you don't want to answer that's totally fine - i just couldn't find any info on this anywhere on the interwebs. i'm wondering how the experience of nannying as a bi person is. i'm bi and also trans (enby who presents in a pretty normative way) and i love to be open about that, and spread gay n trans joy, and ideally i would make that a part of my philosophy when helping kids. but i worry about the ramifications of that, and if that would fuck with my employment - i imagine it would. do u have any experience w this or any insight?

thank you and have a good day, lovely <333

hi i’m very good how are you!! 💖💖 omg trust me i am still also looking for an answer to this question. i don’t think it’s impossible to be vibrantly + completely out in childcare i think it is wise to be strategic about it just bcus caring for someone else child can be a legally + financially vulnerable position to be in sometimes. i think a lot would depend on where you live and how you get your clients like for example if when you’re advertising you could say you’d love to work with lgbt parents or kids bcus you share that experience, that would set you up well to be out when you start working w whoever answers. i will also say i have been different measures of out for different clients i’ve had and in every situation i’ve still decided to answer kids questions about gender and about existences other than cis + straight honestly. so there are ways to share your experience without putting yourself and your $ at risk and also i think it will be personal to you to decide what boundaries you have for what makes a client acceptable for your needs! like for me i don’t like to be out at work until i know ppl well bcus that’s my own relationship with my gender but i’ve never censored myself when it comes to being bi with parents or the children i work w if it comes up in convo. it’s abt finding the balance between what you need for your soul and what you need for your wallet and what is available. so yea i don’t think it’s impossible at all and i hope you will be safe and treated wonderfully + good luck 2 u love !!!

[therealnightcity]

😍 : What does your OC find irresistible in others? 🔥 : What’s a surefire way to make your OC get flustered? 💐 : What is their courting style? How would they woo someone?

Hot asks for @wanderingaldecaldo 🥰💕

Hiro and Ares:

😍:

Hiro finds transparancy fascinating in others--people who are upfront and don't veil their words in layers of subtext, and who are honest with him. He's accustomed to searching for the hidden meaning behind words, the catch to everything, so to meet someone who means what they say is intriguing and a little disarming. But he also finds it absolutely irresistable, and they're the sort of people he finds himself gravitating towards, and trusting the most quickly.

Ares has always been attracted to an adventerous nature--someone who's spontaneous and takes joy in the little things, or new experiences--that sense of wonder and curiosity is something she shares, and she often finds herself feeding off the good vibes, in a feedback loop. On the more physical sense, she's definitely captivated by people shorter than her--she's always felt long-limbed and a little gangly, so seeing people who are so graceful and sure of themself catches her eye. Creativty is another draw--she's very mechanically minded so art feels almost like magic to her, a completely different way of thinking.

🔥:

One of the things that flusters Hiro the most is genuine affection. Flirting, yeah he can do it in his sleep, and as much as he enjoys it, it's something he does almost automatically. Genuine compliments are a very easy way to get a rise out of him--not just his appearance, or what he can do for someone, but him. For as much confidence as he has in himself physically, he has very little in his personality, or the conviction that someone would want him around if he wasn't doing something for them. Even just a 'that was really kind, thank you' is enough to catch him off guard, and get a sheepish response. Praise is a surefire way to get him flustered, almost speechless.

Ares is flustered by people taking a genuine interest in what she's doing, or giving her that space to talk about it. She has a tendency to ramble a little, and usually cuts herself off when she notices, or feels like she's getting too enthusiastic, and understands that not everybody wants to listen to an info-dump on cars or that one sunset in the Badlands, or her favorite hiking spot, or-- Her shop is pretty isolated, aside from customers, and a couple Nomads she goes out of her way to see. In turn, she takes people talking about their hobbies very seriously, and is happy to listen, craves that sort of connection, even if it's about things she might not know a lot about.

💐:

Hiro's courting style is best described as 'accidental.' Even if he has feelings for someone, he's more shy than someone would expect when it comes to pursuing someone. He'll gently tease them, or loves to banter, and curtails it short of it being sharp or unpleasant, but he loves that back and forth. He's not usually good with outright saying it, or asking, but he'll do things for them--make them food, or coffee, and make sure they're taken care of, if they're a guest. Or he'll offer to show them around the city--the best restaurants, the prettiest, most out of the way places. If someone called him out, he'd be quick to say they were friends, that he just wants to make sure they're happy, even if both of them know that it's more than that. Once in an established relationship, genuine affection is still enough to make him sheepish but he's more upfront about acknowledging it--doesn't want to hide his feelings any longer--that's his partner and he's proud of it.

Ares, when she realizes that someone is interested in her, and vice versa is much more intentional. She's the type to try to plan quality time with someone she's interested in--suggest dates or places they could go, or might pull the clueless Nomad card (which also isn't an act, some of the time) 'hey I don't know my way around the city very well--any places you recommend?' She's considerate--likes to find out what her lady likes, whether it's something that's simple, romantic, or a little more extravagant (although she's secretly hoping for the first two, she likes the more casual things, and hyper-formal is definitely out of her comfort zone.) Her courting style is attentive and kind, and it's definitely given people the wrong idea before, since it often overlaps with her personality.

[elytrafemme]

31, 34, 36 :}

31) Do any system members have a different gender or sexuality? How do you guys handle this?

oh Boy, don't we.

so, yes, every single person has a unique gender identity and sexuality. to give a very brief rundown (with some detail lacking): i'm genderfluid & an arospec ace lesbian, dahlia is cis girl and aro bi, klav is queer in very way but sometimes IDs w bisexual, nightshade is gender apathetic and mspec, rory is cis guy and gay, cynthia is demi girl and something .

i could talk about this for a while, but this kind of thing actually crops up a lot of different issues or interesting phenomena. for one, gender dysphoria is shit when certain alters from -- rory gets horrible dysphoria and dysmorphia, klavier does as well, the others are more dysmorphia than dysphoria though. secondly our body has lived a very complicated life in terms of relationships and romantic/sexual attraction and having people be allosexual or alloromantic is kind of a mindfuck for us (looking at you klavier -_-)

the most interesting thing actually pertains to klavier, which is that the two of us have very closely linked experiences when it comes to attraction, and i'm a lesbian and he's a queer guy sort of creature that has a heavier preference towards men as a whole. meaning that i actually 'resonate' or 'feel like' a gay guy pretty often and he 'feels like' a lesbian pretty often because those experiences have overlap. it's really strange but a true bestie moment.

34) Do you see your system more as family, more as friends, more as roommates, or anything else?

there is no term better than systemmates, honestly. i've tried but it's pretty hard to figure it out because everyone has different relationships with one another.

some examples: klavier has in the past considered the system his family. he, dahlia, and i have called ourselves best friends, but i would not individually refer to dahlia as my best friend and vise versa. me and nightshade have a very non personal relationship and are the most distant of everyone in the system. rory and i could be considered to have a somewhat familial bond. cynthia is someone i consider a friend. klavier and dahlia lie somewhere more than friends but have no explicit relationship. etc.

36) Name your favorite quality of all the members you can think of! Including yourself! ;)

YAY YAY YAY OKAY.

me: i always want to improve myself and do better, as a host but also as a person, and have never really lost the desire to become a happy person, which is an extremely admirable quality for the hardship i have been through.

dahlia: despite an angry streak, she is able to keep a cool head when she needs to protect the system -- she holds me accountable for the things i do to wrong her but has never let her temporary annoyance with me get in the way of keeping me safe (same goes for everyone else in the system)

klavier: absolute ray of light, has gone through so much and yet is so endlessly kind, always lets himself feel things no matter how difficult it may be.

rory: knows his own boundaries but also supports other people as long as he physically can, will front to help me out but will not front long enough to experience the mental anguish he gets from prolonged times in the body, very trustworthy in that sense.

nightshade: has found a lot of joy for themself and has been able to strike the balance between work and relaxation.

cynthia: i know very little about them but they have nice music taste!

[mxbutchtwink]

I've been thinking about my gender more often lately and I keep circling back to this post I saw YEARS ago when I first joined Tumblr (the gay website, as I suspected I was gay). I followed a lot of LGBT accounts and one of them had posted something from a mogai/xenogender account. It started off with a flag I had never seen before and unfortunately cannot remember any of the details about it, and went on to describe what the flag stood for. It was for a gender experience described as when someone, "Does not identity as being cisgender, but also does not identify as another gender" (roughly). I don't think anyone has quite understood me as much as that post.

The rest of the post was of course, people making fun of it. "Oh you're just a Cis person who doesn't like to be called Cis," or "Trenders just trying to steal resources," And so on and so forth, you know the whole transphobic waltz by now. I of course believed these things, any newfound joy or understanding of myself was crushed immediately as I learned what was right and what was wrong from internet discourse blogs. I was new to being gay, I didn't want to be one of the Bad Ones.

But still, years after this whole thing, I still think about it. If I could describe my gender I would say it's something similar to that. I am by no means cisgender, I don't feel at home performing or being perceived as the gender I was assigned at birth. But as far as transness goes, most people have an idea of what gender they are. It might change, sure, a trans woman might find out they're nonbinary later in life, I've seen butch lesbians become trans men become genderfluid people become stargender demifluxes, but there's always a name for that.

I don't think there's a name for what gender I am, I don't think it exists. That's not to say I don't have a gender, or that I want to coin a new name for one. I've already tried that, the label lasted about a week. When I think about the future I want for myself, I picture how things would be as a man or woman and it's dull. Not impossible, not unlivable, but unfulfilling and lackluster. Picturing myself as a nonbinary person makes it brighter, but not by much. Even genderfluidity, the label I've been using for a while now, doesn't give me what I need. None of these futures really make me happy.

I've found pronouns and clothes and a hairstyle and a presentation that make me happy. And though I'm not as far along as I'd like to be in my transition, the progress I've made makes me happy. I smile when I look in the mirror now. I've never really been good at putting things into words, but I think the more I try to dissect and label my gender, the more I miss out on being myself. Sometimes I call myself a man or a girl or nonbinary, in the long run it doesn't really matter to me. I am what I am, and what I am does not have a name. I am ok with that. I do not identify with my birth gender and I simply do not identify with anything else (nothing that's been described yet at least).

If any part of this resonates with you I would love to hear your experience, while navigating gender is not a new thing to me, I can't say I'd be good with advice. What I can offer is an open ear and a shoulder to lean on, please feel free to reach out to me. Thank you for reading my rambles.

[tailoredshirt]

FIC: Ride or Die (Paul & Marjan)

Later, Paul would wonder if he would have reacted the same way if he hadn't been talking. If he would have swerved more gently or slammed on the brakes, or if he would have swerved in the opposite direction, knowing that the lane was clear of oncoming traffic and that the other side of the road was flat.

Instead, Paul jerked the steering wheel to the right, barely missing the deer but sending the vehicle off the side of the road, where it skidded down a steep embankment and slammed into a large oak tree.

—

Paul and Marjan have a heart-to-heart while they’re stuck in a vehicle after a major car accident.

—

2.4k words / AO3 / For @badthingshappenbingo

Content: Blood, semi-graphic injury; mentions of transphobia in healthcare; spoilers for 3x09 and 3x10

A/N: This fic addresses trans body autonomy and healthcare issues. I am cis. I originally felt uncomfortable putting words in Paul's mouth about trans-specific opinions and experiences, but I feel strongly that his POV should have been shown at some point during his medical emergency arc, so I wanted to incorporate it in this story. I am basing this entirely on things I have heard from trans people, both in person and online, although I know that my interpretation/portrayal may not get it right. If anyone has any criticism about how I've written Paul in this story I will listen.

Thank you to longhornletters, thekristen999, and neojana for all of their help!

---

"I mean, Rudy's isn't bad, okay? It gets the job done. But the sausage…" Paul shook his head. "I'm from Chicago. I have high expectations, okay?"

"As you've been saying," Marjan said, glancing down at her watch, "for the last half hour."

"Judd said I gotta try Sam's Barbeque on 12th street," Paul said, turning onto Loop 360. "Just some old-school, no nonsense Texas barbeque. I'll ask him if it's halal so you can go with."

"Joy," Marjan said, plastering a sarcastic smile on her face.

"What, you don't like me talking about food?" he asked, glancing over at her briefly.

"I mean, I like when you make food. But you have strong opinions about food that–"

"Oh, and you don't have strong opinions about things?" he said, flipping on his turn signal before moving into the right hand lane.

"I mean, sure. Tacos? Yes. Barbeque? Not so much."

Paul shook his head. "Whatever, I'll just go with Judd then. At least he–"

Something large and pale darted out onto the road in front of them. Later, Paul would wonder if he would have reacted the same way if he hadn't been talking. If he would have swerved more gently or slammed on the brakes, or if he would have swerved in the opposite direction, knowing that the lane was clear of oncoming traffic and that the other side of the road was flat.

Instead, Paul jerked the steering wheel to the right, barely missing the deer but sending the vehicle off the side of the road, where it skidded down a steep embankment and into a large oak tree. Paul's torso was propelled into the steering wheel on the way down, right before the airbag deployed, and Marjan screamed as the car hit the tree. Metal crunching, glass breaking, and then nothing but the sound of Marjan's breathing and the blood pounding in his ears.

Paul was too shocked to do anything but blink slowly and look at the leaves on a tree branch draped across the dashboard in front of him.

"Paul."

Paul looked up at Marjan, who was watching him with wide, worried eyes. "Okay?" she asked.

It took him a moment to take stock of what he was feeling, but then the tight, throbbing pain in his chest came swiftly into focus. His lungs burned with every shallow breath. He looked out the driver's side window and saw that they were not on flat ground. The car was tipped forward at an incline, suspended between the embankment and the tree. He tried to look at the hood crunched up against the tree trunk but could barely see through the shattered windshield.

He took another shallow breath, wincing at the deep pain in his chest. "Yeah, I think so." He swallowed and looked around him, at the pieces of glass on the console. "Are you–are you okay?"

"Um…"

Paul looked up at her. "Marj?" Then he looked down.

He wasn't sure how he hadn't seen it before. One of the branches that had gone through the windshield – thick and gnarled, with smaller branches growing out – was impaled in Marjan's chest.

For a moment he couldn't even process what he was seeing, but then his heart rate picked up and it felt like the entire scene came into focus all at once. The deer, the crash, the precarious position of his car, and… Marjan.

"Need to call 9-1-1," he told her, and she nodded. "Do you have your phone?"

She looked at the floor by her feet. "It fell. I don't know where."

Paul's phone was in his backpack in the back seat. He was afraid to unbuckle his seatbelt due to the angle the car was at, but he reached one arm behind him, feeling blindly for the bag. The sharp stab of pain in his ribs hit him so suddenly that he jerked back into position.

The car barely shook from the motion but Marjan cried out.

"Oh god." Paul froze where he was and looked at Marjan's wound. Her shirt and the bottom of her scarf were stained with blood. The branch had entered slightly above where her heart would be, although they wouldn't know what kind of damage had been done until someone could get them out of this car. Which needed to happen fast.

"No moving," Paul said breathlessly.

"Not going anywhere," she said with a wry smile, and he released a breath that might have been a laugh if he wasn't so terrified.

Paul couldn’t tell where his bag was, but he hoped he could use his phone anyway. "Siri," he said as loudly and clearly as possible, "call 9-1-1."

There was a long pause, like maybe Siri was considering whether or not she wanted to help them out, but finally the electronic voice said, "Calling emergency services in five seconds…"

"Thank god," Paul breathed.

"9-1-1, what is your emergency?"

"Yeah," said Paul. "Yeah, our car crashed and we can't get out. My friend is impaled on a branch."

"What is your location, sir?"

"We're off Loop 360," he said. He paused to take another breath, careful not to inhale too deeply. "We were going south from Lake Travis."

"Do you remember which exit, sir?"

"We were eating at Rudy's. Maybe a mile south of there? We were almost to Mopac."

"We're dispatching fire and rescue to your location. Sir, did you say a passenger was impaled?"

"By a tree branch," Paul told her.

"Is the passenger responsive?"

"Yes, she's awake."

"Okay, it's very important that you don't try to remove the branch. Please wait for first responders."

"We know," said Paul. "We're firefighters."

The dispatcher asked them a few other questions, which they both answered to the best of their ability, and then she told them that she would stay on the line until help arrived.

Paul looked over at Marjan, who was looking straight ahead at the tree in front of them. He reached over very slowly and pressed his fingers to her carotid artery to take her pulse, and she let him. It was elevated, although not alarmingly so, which meant she was probably edging towards the second stage of hypovolemic shock. Unfortunately there wasn't much he could do for her. He couldn't remove the branch, and he didn't have any fluids to administer. All they could do was wait.

"Your ribs?" she asked him.

He nodded and leaned his head back. "One of 'em's probably cracked." Both of them knew that a cracked rib was the least of his concerns with this kind of chest trauma. He could only pray that he didn't have a cardiac tamponade or a pierced lung, both of which could kill him before he made it to the hospital.

"How is your heart?" she asked him, reaching out to take his pulse, but he brushed her hand away and made a show of doing it himself so she wouldn't try again.

"Well, it hasn't zapped me yet, so it must be fine," he muttered. He hoped that was true anyway.

Marjan watched him for a long time, breathing shallowly, before she said, "You're still mad at me."

"About…" Paul looked at her, confused, before he realized what she was saying. He sighed. "Marj, I told you, we're good."

She licked her lips. Her brow and upper lip were dotted with sweat, but her eyes were zeroed in on him. Her pupils were huge. "You think I don't know you by now?"

"What do you think you know?"

"That you're frustrated. Every time you mention the defibrillator."

"Of course I'm frustrated. Wouldn't you be?"

Marjan sighed irritably. "This is different."

"Why are you bringing this up now?" said Paul.

"Well, it may be now or never," she said, raising her eyebrows in a smirk.

Paul gritted his teeth. "Don't say that."

She shrugged, then grimaced. "Just answer me."

"Marj, seriously–"

"Don't lie to me. We don't lie to each other."

"Fine. Yes!" Paul closed his eyes against the wave of pain in his chest. "Yes," he whispered.

It took him a moment before he didn't feel like he was going to throw up, but finally he opened his eyes to look at her. Her nostrils flared as she took several shallow breaths.

Paul tried to think of how he could say this, how he could explain, but he was so tired of explaining. "You don't understand," he said finally.

"Maybe I would if you told me." Her breathing was growing more rapid.

Paul had to fight with his body not to take the deep breath he so desperately needed. "Someone made decisions about my body that I didn't consent to," he said finally, breathing out of his nostrils. "I wasn't awake, but you were. You knew I didn't want it. You could have told them."

"They weren't exactly asking me for my medical opinion, Paul."

"I know, okay?" he gritted out. "I know."

Marjan was silent for a long time. Paul leaned his head back against the headrest and closed his eyes. He was so tired. Physically, mentally. Tired of everything.

"You know how many times I've been put under for surgery?" he said finally. "I'd need more than one hand to count 'em out for you. You know how many times I've woken up, scared as hell that someone did something to my body that I didn't want? Something they couldn't fix? Something they wouldn't even be held accountable for, because the healthcare system is just that fucked for people like me?"

Marjan held his gaze, eyes watery, waiting for him to continue.

"And for the first time," he said, swallowing, "I woke up and that's exactly what had happened."

The car was silent except for the wind blowing through the trees. Paul wished for a moment that he could call his mother. His mother who had sat in so many waiting rooms for him, had confronted doctors and nurses and receptionists on his behalf, had been by his bedside when he woke up scared, his hand in hers, telling him everything was going to be okay.

"I'm sorry," Marjan said softly.

Paul wiped at his eyes. Suddenly he remembered that they had an audience. "Dispatch?" he called out, but no one answered. "Dispatch?"

"Bad connection out here," Marjan murmured tiredly.

Paul pressed his finger to her throat again, and she let him. Her pulse was getting weaker.

"Not good, huh?" she asked, looking up at him. For the first time, he could see the fear in her eyes.

"You're going to be just fine," he told her. Her skin was a sickening shade of gray. He'd never felt so helpless in his life.

Marjan took a shallow breath and made eye contact with him, although it appeared to be a struggle. "You're my best friend," she said between rapid breaths. "I'd never want to hurt you."

"I know." He reached over and took her hand, which was cool to the touch. Why had he chosen now of all times to talk to her about this? What if this was the last conversation they ever had?

Paul took another series of shallow breaths, and when he paused he thought he heard sirens. "Hear that?" he asked her.

"What?"

The sirens were growing louder now. Paul's heart rate picked up. "Sirens. They're coming."

"Okay," Marjan said, closing her eyes.

"Marj," he said insistently, squeezing her hand. Her eyelids fluttered like she was trying to open them, then closed again. "Marjan."

The sirens grew louder and finally stopped somewhere behind them. He heard doors slamming, voices shouting out orders.

He might have been imagining it, but he thought he felt Marjan squeeze his hand.

—

Paul was in the hospital for two days.

He had a bruised lung and two cracked ribs. They put him on a ventilator and gave him some diuretics and antibiotics.

Marjan didn’t fare quite as well. She had a lacerated aorta, which could have killed her instantly if that tree branch had hit a few millimeters to the left and torn it open entirely. Paul thought of all the ways it could have gone wrong: if he'd swerved even a tiny bit harder; the deer hadn't walked out at exactly that spot on the road; if that tree hadn't grown in exactly that spot, with the branch at exactly that angle. But by some turn of events, all of those things had happened exactly the way they did. And she was going to be okay.

"They're letting you out of here?"

“I think the nurses here are sick of me,” Paul said, not looking back at Yolanda, the young nurse pushing his wheelchair. He could almost hear her rolling her eyes.

“Pretty natural response to being around you for any length of time,” Marjan quipped from her hospital bed.

“Back in five,” Yolanda told him, setting the locking brake.

"Thank you," he told her. He turned back to Marjan, who was swaddled in blankets. "What is all this nonsense?” he said, gesturing to the cards and flowers on the table next to her bed. A stuffed Bernese dog was in bed next to her. "I didn't get any flowers or stuffed animals."

“The flowers were from Tommy, and this is from Cap and Buttercup,” she said, petting the dog’s head.

“Man, Cap just brought me some sudoku books.”

Marjan frowned. “But your hatred of sudoku is well-known.”

“Right?” Paul exclaimed. “Come on, at least give me some crossword puzzles.”

Marjan shook her head sadly. “It’s like he doesn’t even know you.”

Paul leaned his elbow against the arm of the wheelchair. “So when do I get to come back and spring you out of here?”

“Ugh, who knows,” Marjan said, pulling the stuffed dog into her lap. “They want to make sure that infection is cleared up first.”

“Ah.”

“But when they do let me out, we’re going out for some decent food, because this cafeteria food is disgusting.”

Paul raised an eyebrow. "Barbeque?"

"No, I'll leave you to go on your little barbeque date with Judd," she said with a dismissive hand motion.

“Shoulda told Cap to bring you one of his smoothies,” said Paul. “I’m sure he would have agreed.”

Marjan rolled her eyes. “Anyway,” she said, “once I get out, maybe we can have a conversation about some things while I’m not about to pass out from blood loss.”

Paul laughed, and Marjan smiled at him. “Okay," he said, holding out his hand for her to shake. "Deal.”

“And," Marjan said, pulling him in for a hug, "if you let Cap get within 50 feet of this hospital room with a smoothie, ride-or-die privileges are revoked."

[dog-teeth]

Hiii please don't answer if this question is too much but I was wondering what your experience as a trans person existing is like? Rn I'm cis passing and low-key making me miserable but the anxiety of how I would b treated in the world is so so so scary so I guess is it hard? Are you treated any different? Especially the non-binary thing bc that's me too <3

haiii as always i write fucken essays so its below the cut lol

well first of all i can only speak to my own experience, which is obvs influenced by the other parts of my life like my location/class/race/sexuality/personality/etc, it difficult/impossible to distill what "being trans" is like without factoring in everything else.

but anyways, i'm extremely lucky to have had the security to come out and be open about my transness since i'm surrounded by really excellent people. when i came out i was 14 and didn't know any other trans people, and it sucked, but i feel like even in just the past 6ish years there's a LOT more visibility for trans people than there was back then, and obvs i was young and had a lot less personal autonomy at the time. but my friends were all really cool about it and my parents were chill as well, and i went to a good high school where my teachers were respectful (i got misgendered by other students but once they were aware of me being trans they usually stopped) so i honestly didn't face that much external difficulty because of my gender.

the period between coming out and medically transitioning was rough a lot of the time tho, just because of the frustration of trying to be seen a certain way and the world never seeing you that way, at times it felt futile to even try and for a long time i really wished i wasn't trans, because being trans had never brought me any joy, so i didn't have pride in it the way i could with my sexuality, as it had only ever caused me pain (whereas my queer sexuality had lead me to love, sex, community, etc). but those were internally-driven feelings, not anything specific in how i was treated except for generally living in a world that didn't see me as myself, but that's also true when ur not out. it took a lot of fighting to be seen, and learning how to make myself happy.

since coming out, though, its been really really amazing. meeting & connecting with other trans people, dating other trans people, helping other people figure out their gender identities by being myself around them, making art about being trans, etc, is very rewarding, and obvs u can do that without being "out" too.

emotionally its very fulfilling, like jesus christ medically transitioning once i was an adult was so fucking awesome. i hadnt realized how much not being visible as my gender to other people was holding me back and distressing me until it stopped. even though i had socially transitioned earlier and been respected by people around me, it wasnt until i went on hrt and had top surgery that i felt really really good about existing as a trans person, when i could exist at any time in any space in any clothes and be seen how i wanted to be seen, and felt like my body was as it should be.

i don't really get treated differently tbh, most people don't readily assume ppl are trans so upon meeting me people just think im a queer guy, and i only bring up being trans when i want to & feel ok doing so. being nonbinary some people are bad about using my pronouns but i honestly dont care much. every once in a while i have to explain gender stuff to people but again i dont mind. its def more annoying than if i was a binary trans person but meh.

there's some annoying/anxiety-inducing stuff like dealing with extended family, doctors appointments, legal documents, and situations where i feel like i have to try to be Stealth, but those are rare compared to my everyday life where i'm genuinely just vibing.

i completely respect trans people who don't want to be out for whatever reason, but personally i've found it to be very rewarding and i can only imagine how miserable i'd be if i couldn't be open about my gender.

tldr; it's hard while you're figuring yourself out, but if the people around you are generally good, it's extremely awesome to be able to be yourself and transition!

[futurebird]

This is very logical and funny. But, bigotry doesn't operate on logic. Drag queens already wear things that women wear without being called overly sexual. All that matters is that when they see a man in drag it gives them a bad feeling. It raises questions and trauma built deep into our culture, especially for cis men. Millions of cis men have been teased, verbally and even physically abused with the threat of being called out for performing their gender incorrectly. What are the meanest and worst insults for little boys? To be call "a girl." And though this creates a source of trauma and fear-- it also creates a sense of order in their world. Being a boy is better than being a girl. And the little boys deep inside these angry men can take some comfort in the fact that, for all their failings in life, at least they are not a sissy. When a man puts on a dress, has fun doing it, doesn't care that he's doing it "wrong" -- isn't scared --for these men their sense of order crumbles. This is why the same people keep saying that the mere existence of married gay people "ruins" their heterosexual marriages. A marriage, or being a man isn't just about loving another person and being with her. It's about a hierarchy that is comforting and familiar. "Father knows best." And when that hierarchy is strong and unquestioned these men can even enjoy drag (in a way.) Think about all of the silly little drag bits in cartoons, and older movies. "A man being like a woman! How silly! How droll!" But, in a world where it isn't silly for someone who was called a man to discover that they have always been a woman? For those people to take joy in that self-discovery implies that the hierarchy isn't real (it's never been real) drag isn't funny anymore for conservatives. It scares them. Fear isn't very logical. None of these things are logical. Happy gay couples don't destroy your heterosexual marriage unless your marriage only makes sense as a performance of hierarchy. Drag queens don't destroy your gender, unless your gender is deeply tied to ideas of social hierarchy. Trans people harm no one. But how could the hierarchy make any sense if it'd been possible to break free of that trauma of failing to perform gender correctly all along? If you have allowed your life to be shaped by these forces, accepted these forces for good and ill -- seeing they might be imaginary and not as important as you thought could make you feel foolish, small, too wrapped up in silly ideas about gender that don't mean very much... all to have a sense of identity. And I think that makes these people irrationally angry. They want their children to grow up with the same fears and trauma, because otherwise that means the trauma they lived had no purpose, it was just senseless violence. It's another case of the way that sometimes the victims of abuse can find themselves replicating the abuse on the next generation, because if they don't replicate it ... well then they would need to recognize it was abuse after all. But, victims of abuse have and often take other paths. They can become healers and protectors of young people from that same trauma. (Why is one of the worst, most painful memories from my childhood the time that another girl noticed that I have some hair on my upper lip and got a bunch of the class chanting "___'s got a mustache!" just thinking about it I can feel the hot tears, I can remember late nights pressed to the mirror with magnifying tweezers trying to find every hair so obsessively my leg would fall numb. It's even hard to admit that I sometimes have a few facial hairs even writing this now. I have the impulse to protect myself by pretending that my body is magically hairless. The shame is disproportionate, absurd. I'd never want a child to feel like that. I also suspect the feelings some men have about similar experiences with failing to be manly enough are even worse. Why do we keep doing this to ourselves?)

Drag queens who read stories to children should wear the exact same clothing as child beauty pageant contestants, just scaled up for their size.

Let's see the bigots try to claim that "this clothing sexualizes children" while being okay with a child wearing it.

[toalwaysbeme]

I hate the way TERFs define womanhood by/as trauma and subjugation. When you realize that's what they're doing, their bitterness towards trans people makes sense. They see trans mascs as jumping ship, abandoning their sisters. They see trans fems as not having earned their sisterhood through the inherent trauma of womanhood.

It's also a super white, preformative victimhood, way to look at their own identity. Any person in two or more oppressed groups has lived experiences to tell us that oppression comes in many flavors, that always find new ways to combine and enhance the experience. And any person capable of compassion knows that by listening to their fellow humans. But the radfem movement is for white cis women who want to feel like they win the oppression olympics. They think that there's nothing worse than their own experience of walking through the world as a cis white woman, and their womanhood leads the world to hate them.

These women can't stand the idea that there are other options. They don't want things to progress, they want to complain. The thought that someone can leave womanhood behind feels like betrayal and the thought that someone could find joy in womanhood is unthinkable. And I think that's terribly sad. I empathize with feeling stiffled or trapped within the percieved confines of one's gender. But I didn't take that out on other people, I examined my own feelings and at the same time worked to become a better advocate for women's rights. I am much happier for it. Maybe stop defining your own experiences with misery and violence. Upon failing that, stop defining other people's identites that way.

[nevermindirah]

Sooooo since the female body doesn’t register pregnancies as a threat or causing bodily harm(in most cases) would that mean in theory Nile and the other immortal women could get pregnant? And let’s say ends up pregnant with Booker’s kid… How would he respond with that? Would they raise the child, or would Nile reach out to her family and leave the kid with them??? So many possibilities. Your thoughts.

CONTENT WARNING FOR ANON'S MESSAGE: transphobic/cissexist language

Additional content warnings for my response:

discussion of the impact of anon's transphobic language

discussion of pregnancy and childbirth

mention of abortion

mention of suicial ideation

This message stresses me the hell out for several reasons. This anon probably meant well? Maybe? I hope they meant well at least. But it's been a long week and I don't have the energy to write a kind response to this anon. So instead I'm going to address my fandom friends who might see this, and I'm gonna talk about why this message stresses me out, and then maybe I'll have the energy to engage with the potentially fun kernel of BoN ideas buried under the stressful shit.

First of all, "women" and "people who have a uterus" are overlapping but distinct groups of people, and claiming otherwise causes me personally a lot of dysphoria. Please never ever do this where I, or any other trans person, or any person who cares about trans people, can see it. If you, personally, are a woman with a uterus, you can totally talk about your identity as a woman and also your uterus and anything you might be doing with that uterus! Talk about your personal experience all you want! But having a uterus isn't what makes you a woman, and talking about uterus-havers as if we're all women when many of us like me are not or talking about women as if they're all uterus-havers when many of them are not causes a lot of people a lot of harm. Don't ever do it again.

And then there's the claim about uterus-havers' bodies not registering a pregnancy as a threat or a source of bodily harm. Pregnancy can be a life-threatening condition for the pregnant person for a variety of reasons, even before the additional series of life-threatening things that can happen during childbirth. We don't really know all that much from canon about how immortality works, but we do know plenty from real-life science about pregnancy causing bodily harm. Many people survive pregnancy and childbirth just fine, even through multiple pregnancies and births, and that's beautiful — for people who want to carry those pregnancies. Maybe I'm just sensitive from the big pile of dysphoria but this anon's language is giving me anti-abortion vibes.

I typically headcanon all these immortal characters as cis because it would be an absolute nightmare for me to have to navigate hundreds of different cultures' assumptions about my gender. To constantly have to withstand new misgendering from new people and in new languages, to constantly have to either explain myself in words other people can understand or just tolerate the dysphoria their misunderstanding causes me until I can get away from them — FUCK that sounds exhausting. We know from canon that immortality doesn't heal mental illness because Booker's right there with his severe depression and suicidal ideation, and if I with all my social dysphoria were immortal, I'd be right there with him.

But on the flip side of we don't know all that much about how immortality works, sometimes it brings me joy to think about immortality potentially being awesome about trans bodies, how immortality might heal the wound of body dysphoria by providing the magic version of transition-related medical care! Here's a post I wrote a while back about that.

Greg Rucka's said that immortals are infertile and immortals with uteruses don't menstruate. He's not the boss of us though and sometimes it's fun for fic reasons for immortals to retain their fertility!

The one last thing that stresses me the hell out about anon's message before I just focus on the fun stuff is that the very most important thing if Nile were to get pregnant with Booker's kid is how Nile would feel about it. Anon talks as if abortion isn't an option and that's fucked up. Abortion is an option! It's a great option! If you don't want to experience pregnancy, or if you need to make the parenting decision to not bring a child into the world when you're not able to care for them at that time, thank G-d abortion is here to save the day! Please block me if you disagree.

Ok I think we're finally ready for the fun part. I'm gonna rewrite anon's message to remove all the stressful shit so I can focus on the fun part.

So what if immortals who have a uterus could get pregnant and carry a pregnancy to term and give birth? If Nile has a uterus and Booker has sperm, and they get bored of all that cunnilingus and pegging we know they love so much and they have PIV sex without a condom and Nile gets pregnant... How would she feel about that? Did she want kids before, and is she interested in carrying a pregnancy now? What does she think about coparenting with Booker? What does she think about bringing a baby into their very complicated lives? And how the hell might Sad Dad TM Booker feel about all this? If Nile ends up giving birth, what would that baby's life be like? Would Nile and Booker take a hiatus from missions? How might they involve the other immortals, and maybe Nile's mortal family if they're still alive in this timeline? Let's not curse Nile with eternity with an immortal infant, but what if the kid becomes immortal on like their 21st birthday? So many possibilities!

I tend to think that before she first died, Nile thought "yeah probably someday kids would be cool" but didn't have a specific plan or anything, and I think she'd have complicated feelings about immortality blowing up how she'd imagined maybe being a parent someday. If immortality means infertility, I think she'd be really upset that the option is gone, but if she did retain her fertility I think she'd have major concerns about bringing a child into her life that now revolves around violence.

I think Booker would be 80% blissed-out thrilled and 20% "oh no what if it happens again what if I fuck up again and they hate me again and they die in pain again". And I think Booker would be the BEST partner of a pregnant person. I mean, let's just extrapolate from canon. "I brought you a change of clothes" and "you're gonna be great for the team" to "I brought you a snack and a blanket and a portable fan, do you want me to rub your feet?" and "you're going to be the most wonderful mother (or parent or whatever word Nile wants to be called here)" and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

And now I'm a little bit obsessed with the idea that once the kid's old enough that Nile and Booker are willing to be away from them for more than 10 minutes, they essentially start coparenting with Nile's brother. "Ok sweetheart time to go to Uncle Indy's house while Mom and Papa go out of town for work!" On the serious end of things, so many conflicting thoughts and feelings about "we're murderers how dare we raise a child" vs "we're fighting for a more just world for our child and everyone else's children" and how their work and the social isolation and grief that comes with immortality might affect their kid. But on the fun end of things, "yay I love going to Uncle Indy's house!! I'll miss you so much but Papa can you help me pack up my crayons so I can make you both lots of pictures to show you when you come home?!"

Here's a ficlet I wrote a while back featuring Tired Parents of a Five-Year-Old BoN, and my dear galaxy-brained friend @sindirimba recently gifted us all with this take on BoN as parents!

[scriptlgbt]

I'm wanting to write a trans man, but I feel like I'm not allowed to write him. He's not the main character, but he is a major character, and the story does get into his backstory a bit, especially his relationship with his mother, whom he reunites with later on in a hospital. I feel like that's not my story to tell, and I don't want to offend anyone. I have done careful research with videos and articles made by trans men, and I can't imagine him cis, but my brain says "no." What do you think?

This feels like you asking us for permission, and I don't think anyone is qualified to give you that. No individual could ever wholly represent their entire community.

What we can do is give you advice, and information based on any specific concerns you have. Frankly though, I believe you probably would most benefit from a sensitivity reader, if you're concerned about such a large part of your story. Or a co-writer who is a trans man.

Relationships with parents, as trans people, can be really difficult things, but they aren't always, and I know a lot of trans people with perfectly healthy relationships with their parents. (Definitely not the case with me, but still.)

I also think that writing trans people accurately is actually a far second place priority to minding how trans people are actually represented and the harms and help representing certain stories may hold.

If I wrote an autobiography about my experiences, many of which were very traumatizing, it might help someone. And I do get something out of being openly someone who has a lot of trauma and from sharing my experiences. It's part of getting to know me.

But I don't think I would personally feel comfortable about reading my own experiences if they happened to someone else. I lived through my trauma already and there's some writing that dredges it up in a way that is unhealthy for me. Even when it's written responsibly.

It's also just a fact of the matter that trans characters seem to be overrepresented in terms of things like trauma. I don't think there's anything wrong with writing traumatized characters, but even traumatized people need some breathing room and opportunities to feel joy. I get a lot out of making jokes and stuff, for example. Especially if it can turn something that's normally uncomfortable (for other people, I'm largely over it) into something lighter and easier to talk about. There are definitely ways people try to do that which actually discount and belittle the trauma, but I think that's part of why we need writers and sensitivity readers who understand. You kind of need to be experienced and well-versed in talking about certain things to get a general idea of how they will land, and with what audience.

Overall, I can't tell you to or not to write this story. But I think there's more research to be done than just on making something accurate. I'd look into reading reviews trans people have about different representation. Maybe on Goodreads?

This isn't to say that research would necessarily make you qualified either, it's just what I say the next step would be to figuring that out.

- mod nat