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practicalmagicintuitions · 3 years ago

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HC and NV relationship - 3 months forecast.

DISCLAIMER: If you will send me an Anon, I will answer in the same tone as your ask, opinion is written.

All information and statements made in this reading or any other post of mine are all alleged until proven to be fact and for entertainment purposes & usage only. All information stated is based on my intuition and my tarot cards. Opinion only. The readings have no intention to cause any harm to the individuals, people featured in it.

August

7 of Pentacles, The Hanged Man

These 2 cards are very interesting to me to see next to each other because both have a similar feeling. Based on those cards I would say seemingly their August will be still or boring, but under the surface the changes are there. Both cards mean reflecting, having a different point of view.

7ofP originally could mean that you made the work in the past and now you are waiting for the harvest, the fruits of your work. The card analogy and imagery is basically gardening. You put the seed in the ground and now you have to wait. I told you about this card before, how interesting it is, how 50/50 of its “reputation”. Someone thinks it's a positive card, someone is on the “not that bad but dull” side. For me it’s not the worst, not the best card, it is definitely interesting, you have to work with it. In a relationship however, I feel it means waiting. Waiting for some change but I personally feel there is not much hope in this. Like the situation maybe, potentially hopeful, but the figure on the card doesn’t have high hopes. Or he doesn’t appreciate what they achieved by hard work.

The other thing is, because Pentacles are material goods too, and it’s a relationship reading it could mean they are saving money for something bigger. Normally I would say it’s about saving for a house together or a wedding so for a life together, but the whole reading doesn’t support this. So even if in August something bigger is on the table financially, I don’t see this in their September-October. So the rest of the reading doesn't support this forward, but we will see. Maybe this is one aspect of the relationship The Hanged Man is referring to. This card is again, a new perspective, reflection, make some sacrifice too. So it could be that one of them or both of them are thinking about the financial basis of their relationship like, make it stronger by buying something together? Or shouldn’t do that because it’s not the right move, etc. The Hanged Man could mean one of them (or both) are not satisfied with the pace or the level of the commitment of the relationship.

It also could mean a relationship is on pause. So based on that I am not sure NV will go to the UK in August. He is there, probably for shooting, for work… real one, not FL one, and probably NV has his own job to do, so it could mean she cannot join.

In a more negative sense, it’s a fragile moment in a relationship, being neglected or both parties neglect the relationship.

And 7ofP is basically doing nothing just waiting. It could mean the start of a relationship was good, you two clicked and you thought that’s it. But that is not it. Not the end. You have to work on a relationship no matter how amazing it was the start.

September.

Usually, I pull only 2 cards for each month. I don’t want to complicate it and in the past, it worked quite well in the HC-NV readings. I already pulled my first when 3 cards popped up. I was hesitant a little, especially because those were face down so I could put them back easily, but my own rule is I keep 1-2-3 flying cards and I am only putting back if it is more than 3. So we have 4 cards reading here.

My first card was the Page of Pentacles. I have an unpublished reading on NV where I got this card and I felt it’s a meal ticket for her, like something she wants to secure herself. I don’t have this impression now, you should know by now cards mean many things and I don’t really see this in the surrounding cards.

Pages are messengers, they are the bottom of the Court food chain. And the Pentacles is the slowest amongst them. Which basically supports all I got for August. The slowness, the thinking, planning. It has very strong thinking about the future, goals are being set meaning. It’s also not an emotional card that deals with more security than emotions.

I think this is the continuity of August's realisations. I found it interesting that we have 2 pentacles cards in a relationship reading and both have the thinking, planning aspect which is more like the Swords suit. So I think even though it’s a relationship reading it deals with the material side of it too or the time aspect. How much time they are willing to sacrifice for each other and for this relationship.

Judgment, 2 of Cups rx, 3 of Swords.

Those cards fell off from the deck during shuffling.

Judgment is transformations, rebirths, karmic relationships. It also listens to an inner voice, inner call and I think this is important that the PoP is a messenger. It’s a wake-up call you cannot ignore. It’s a heavy card, but I am sure you already know this. It also means you are getting from a relationship what you are put into it. If you put little in it or jealousy, you will get back those. A major decision when you are considering the past (again, correlates with the 7ofP) when you make a decision in terms of the future. Moving on, starting fresh, turning pages. Those are all the Judgment.

I think with all of the revelations and wake up calls he will realize that the emotions, in the beginning, are not evolved into something else, something deeper. I got Page of cups 2 times as to how he felt towards her in the beginning and I said it was the puppy love, the teenage emotions. Now it seems he will understand it’s not any deeper than that. I know I am talking about him and how he feels even though it’s a combined reading but I feel this is about him.

2 of Cups rx could highlight various problems in a relationship, this emotion is “reversed” blocked because they are incompatible emotionally or there is disharmony, etc. The point is, it’s not a good card in a relationship.

And top of that the 3 of Swords…. I think this card could be both of them feeling some sort of heartbreak because the relationship is not what they thought in the beginning, but the Judgment is absolutely HC. I see from the very beginning that he has to make a decision, he has to call off the relationship because NV won’t go away. Probably this is the time for him to understand that after a period of reflection. But that doesn’t mean he won’t be affected by it and she will have some sort of heartbreak too.

Well, this is the interesting part, because 3ofSw is a classical heartbreak card ,because of its bland representation ( a heart with 3 swords in it) and this is still is, but because Swords are dealing with the mind, the intellect, this heartbreak could someone which comes from the mind.

What do I mean?

I mean overthinking, obsessing over thoughts, that we can have something together, or my ex will come back to me or when one built a whole life together with someone in their mind after a few months of dating, and in the end this house of cards just collapses.

It could represent both of them or just one of them to have those illusions, thoughts, but then the wakeup call of the Judgment hit them hard.

Since I am working with tarot on this blog I feel more and more that 3ofSw is a heartbreak but not necessarily a betrayal, cheating etc. It’s a heartbreak we mainly cause to ourselves. This doesn’t mean the others are blameless, but we have cards for that. I think 3ofSw is when you build your house on sand or your life on dreams and it collapses. Or someone hurts us with words. Words are the sharpest weapon, this card shows it perfectly ( swords - air - thoughts in tarot).

October.

Magician, The Hierophant rx.

Very interesting pair, had to focus on them a little. Both major arcanas,with one powerful male figure in the focus.

People usually love the Magician card and I do in other decks but not here. The classic RWS’s Magician is more like a trickster to me. A powerful one who is selling tricks and offering illusions. In a relationship it’s someone who is playing games. It could even be a disappearing act like on stage. Now I am here, you can see me, and then, you cannot.

Magician is also about communication. Once I read it could be about internet based communication and I find this interesting here. So I can see 2 options.

One of them is that they are continuing this relationship but struggling. Making an effort to keep the relationship without attachments. It could mean having a breakup but somehow maintaining the relationship on a non conventional level. Hierophant reversed is anything which is not a conventional relationship (conventional in terms of tarot of course, those were not conventional or didn’t exist when tarot was formed). So it could be a relationship without marrige, same sex marrige, open relationship etc. So even though I see breakup that doesn’t mean an instant separation or cutting ties completely, not if he is continuing to “keep back to exes because it’s easier” And in the October cards I don’t really see that NV has any influence or power what will happen. I think it’s very much of the outcome of the Judgment’s revelation and wake up call which is about him.

The other thing I see is that they have a breakup and one of them or both (separately obviously) are going back to the internet to date people, the internet as a non usual dating method. Or in the most drastic scenario I see a ghosting and this is about the Magician’s disappearing act in a cloud of smoke.

We have 3 more cards, this is the only thing I did differently in this reading. I pulled one card for HC and NV represents them during the whole reading and we have a bottom of the deck card. Let’s see the personal ones first. (very briefly)

NV - Knight of Pentacles rx

When this card is upright it is dull but loyal, hard working. No sparks, surprises, but stability, you know what you get with them. When it’s reversed, they are overly materialistic but lazy at the same time. The loyalty is not there anymore. Keep it mind you can be disloyal in many ways this does not necessarily mean physical cheating. As the PofP the KnofP is looking into the pentacle too, planning the future. So rx it could mean this knight is not really making plans or more likely doesn’t really understand the plan he makes won’t be long term. And this is again, 3ofSw… building dreams on something which is false. This knight is also impractical. Let’s see this, she was flying back and forth to him and probably she should continue this to keep the relationship alive. But this seems one sided and she has her own job, so I don’t see this as a practical solution Especially not in the middle of covid.

It also means that she thinks the relationship is boring, lacking any romance but she still takes this relationship for granted. Since pentacles are about resources and owning something I see a strong possessive attitude in this (unhealthy one). I think she really thinks this relationship is hers. She is on the high horse in terms of this.

HC 4 of wands reversed

He is insecure. As I remember I got this card once and I said there is some problem on the home front, that maybe it's still there. The feeling of not belonging. Because this is a relationship reading I think those feelings are for NV. This fits with the Hierophant rx and with the whole reading basically. He feels there is no solid foundation. Unsettling feeling, disharmony, happiness is gone. It also means he doesn't want to make a serious commitment.

And our last card from the bottom of the deck is the 8 of Cups.

This is also a classic breakup card as it means letting go, losing interest and walking away. It also has a realization that you are missing something and you need to change, leaving something behind. This is a soul searching, self discovery card however, I don’t feel this is a strong theme here. I just don’t think this whole NV fiasco will touch HC on a deep, soul level, not even we have the Judgment. I hope I am not right here. As this card indicates travel physical or inner one, so it could mean taking some therapy, leaving an emotional baggage behind. Means you have strength to leave an emotionally unfulfilling and unhappy relationship behind. It also means you are withdraw from a turbulent, dramatic situations like this whole relationship with NV.

I could go on for pages but all in all we have a strong theme of realization, not wanting to make commitments and breaking up, walking away. I don’t have any really hopeful cards, but this is not surprising, I’ve never got any happy cards tbh.

This is what I get, we will see. So many things will go under the surface, so probably we won’t know many things because it won’t be spectacular in any sense.

My wee community announcement is that I will take a break from the HC reading for I don’t know how long. I will just watch this facade and do reading on others. But I will keep continuing to discuss HC and this relationship here. If anyone is interested or has something to say, go on. I am here for it.

I hope you enjoyed this reading. Have a nice, blessed August.

#pmitarotreadings #tarot #tarotreading #opinion #allegedly #henry cavill #henry cavill girlfriend #natalie viscuso #celebrity tarot #sam heughan

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thefunksoldiers-blog · 7 years ago

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The Lies He Told: Dave Buchansky’s Multitude of Deception and the REAL Reason Mayte Garcia Was Barred from the 2017 Anniversary Celebration

It was something discussed among Prince fans leading up to the 2017 Celebration that marked the one year anniversary of his passing: would Prince's first ex-wife, Mayte Garcia, show up? Would she answer questions about “that book”? And, would she be welcomed by Prince’s family and his other proteges and collaborators?

Two weeks prior to Celebration 2017, Garcia released a tell-all about her marriage to Prince that many saw as a money-making endeavor since she announced the release less than 4 months after his death. Prior to the release of the book, Mayte consented to a series of cover stories for People magazine, most with inflammatory headlines crafted to exploit all the salacious content and scandals possible. Garcia, who actively and proudly promoted these People posts on her Twitter account, would later send her friend to different social media sites to say the magazine, that is part of Time-Warner Books and owned/operated by Hachette Books---Mayte's publisher, blindsided her. This was only after potential buyers expressed discontent that Prince was being labeled a “pedophile,” and “abuser.” A call placed to the magazine's PR department confirmed for us that Garcia was wholly aware of the different articles and the bylines disseminated publicly, and that she never expressed dissatisfaction at any time. Social media was mostly aghast and the Prince fan community was divided into two camps: pro-Mayte and anti-Book. These events are what fed speculation as to whether she would be in Minneapolis on April 21, 2017.

The truth is known in Minneapolis, according to a source close to the music scene “here, we've always known the truth about Mayte.” However, the public does not. According to that friend of Mayte's---Dave Buchansky, who rock journalist Lonn Friend described as Mayte's professional “tagalong”*, she wasn't going to the Celebration because of threats issued that compromised her safety. Dave issued a statement shared across social media that said death threats to Mayte and her daughter would not allow her to travel there and that the local law enforcement was being kept abreast of the situation. He issued a similar statement in October 2016 after someone in an audience at an after party following the tribute show threw a bottle of water at her. The claim in April was not only untrue, but many who were instrumental in working the Celebration were unaware of any threats.

This isn’t the first time Dave has fabricated contact with law enforcement in a pathetic attempt to overstate his importance in the world. He has, in the past, said that he’s reported people to the FBI, to the police, etc., and fictional tales of swat teams with guns seizing upon the homes of people who do not speak with blind adoration for Mayte. Dave watches way too many episodes of “Law & Order.” Law enforcement does not work that way, it is very procedural. Dave does not have that kind of power. People in the industry do not know who he is unless you say “Prince’s ex-wife’s best friend,” and even then, you get the Mariah Carey, “I don’t know her” response. Essentially, he is duping Mayte’s supporters and stirring them up into a frenzy based on nothing more than his say so. But such is the case with truly emasculated men.

All it takes is a phone call to these agencies to learn that recently, Dave nor Mayte has filed any such complaint. Reports are always filed in the state where the victim resides (in Mayte’s case, CA), not where the suspect resides (like Arizona where he claims to have reported someone in October 2016). What one may find is there is are reports on file bearing his name as the offender throughout the country because of his history of harassing people, particularly women, on Mayte’s behalf. There is proof they exist, along with case numbers and the names of officers and detectives assigned to each case.

If the charges Dave has leveled against people weren't so serious, it would be laughable because “threats on Mayte’s life” is the excuse he continues to use to justify the fact that people who were close to Prince don't like Mayte, not out of jealousy, but because she's not a good person; it's all show. Many on the inside did like her at one time and tried to include her, but her true self revealed a woman with a nasty attitude who allowed Dave to control her and her surroundings using the force of his body weight and not much else. Some have observed that Dave has little respect for Mayte’s intelligence because if he did think she was a smart woman, he would have followed through in making sure the business affairs she left in his domain were complete and followed the letter of the law starting with the charity’s business in Florida.

Dave did not even file the annual report and $400 fee to the state of Florida to keep her charity in good standing there. He acquired charitable status in FL for Mayte’s Rescue on December 23, 2014. Florida’s Attorney General dissolved the charity on September 25, 2015 due to this administrative oversight the Vice President of the charity (Dave) should have stayed on top of. Surely, he will blame this on Anamaria Mendez, who is listed as an “agent”. It is uncertain as to whether Mendez would defend any blame placed upon her or what her relationship is to Mayte and is she is in good standing with her. Regardless of who he blames, the IRS invalidates the 501(c)3 status of any nonprofit not in good standing in any state. So, even though Mayte posted two postcards of filings (and, yes, Mayte, you DO have to file a postcard under $50,000, they just don’t ask for the exact income amount), not being in good standing in Florida could invalidate her federal IRS tax-exempt status upon report, which would make it nearly impossible to register in CA until she cleared all of it up. If she self-reports this discrepancy, she may just have to pay fines and the matter will go away upon registration in CA with DOJ (see CA DOJ FAQs). If it is reported by others, she may not get it back without a long and expensive battle. If past behavior is a predictor of future behavior, Mayte, Dave and the rest of her “Get-A-Long Gang” will blame others and point fingers just as they have attempted to do with regards to the Celebration.

The real deal is that Mayte called up Kirk Johnson, whom she affectionately refers to as “Kirky J,” and asked him if she could set up a table to sell and sign her book to Prince fans at the Celebration. “Kirky J” basically told her, in more colorful language, “hell to the no, to the no, no, no!” Whatever you may want to think about “Kirky J,” he was right in denying her that request. Mayte wanted to turn the Celebration of Prince's life and music into her own purple paisley party to celebrate the release of her version of reality that doesn’t jive with the version she and Prince shared over the last 20 years. Furthermore, it really wasn’t the place to peddle her goods. Yes, for the 89 millionth time, we know she was briefly married to Prince (although his marriage to Mani lasted longer; even his friendship with Denise lasted longer than his first marriage), and we know she gave birth to his only child that we are aware of. It does not bear repeating if she’s so confident about her place in the larger story of his life.

Sure some people don’t like Mayte or how she took the opportunity of Prince’s death to profit, but death threats? Perhaps there were, but like with the charity whose CA DOJ registration letter we still have yet to see (IRS 990 postcard is no substitution), we haven’t seen evidence of these threats, nor have we seen proof of the police reports Dave purports were filed. In fact, Dave has spent the last two days slandering various individuals, saying he has screenshots and proof. Again, laughable, but serious.

If he has them, then show them!

Mayte fans should, especially, want him to post them if they are going to the wall to support her and even defame those they have been led to believe have victimized Mayte. It is not that hard. Someone who is lying feels they MUST continuously justify the lie, that’s clear sign that the truth is nowhere in sight. The only person out there running their mouth is Dave. Forget all the double talk, back talk and over talking, Dave needs to stop talking! He’s been talking for years**. Show us the goods or go away! He needs to prove all of his accusations are true otherwise he is guilty of the same libel and defamation he says he is a victim of. All the charges about Dave can be proven. Dave has, on a popular Prince fan site, called him abusive, said he knew “for a fact” Prince broke the arm/hand of a former protege from the 80’s he claims to have spoken to (though she never met him or confided in him), said Prince was a drug addict, a drunk, and like Dave himself, a regular ecstacy abuser “for a fact” up through 1996. All of this has been on prince.org for more than a decade under the username “meltedman”. Dave has even gone so far as to say he and “his boys” scared Prince out of a club because Prince showed up without a bodyguard and argued with Mayte. Really?! Have you ever seen Prince in photos travel without a bodyguard? Follow Dave’s insane logic for a minute: a 5’2” 120 lb. man who couldn’t even go to the mall without being chased was going to a club, at night, by himself and was going to go up against someone as big as Dave? In what realm of “alternative facts” is Dave living in?!

Dave uses lies and excuses to justify the childish and immature behaviors of a grown woman who refuses to take responsibility for her own life and own affairs apart from Dave. If Dave wasn’t spending all his time obsessing over the goings on in Mayte’s life imagine what he could accomplish for himself in his own life: a career, a marriage, a family and children of his own. But instead, he runs behind a middle-aged woman too engulfed in her fantasies to handle her own affairs and wastes endless hours, days and years putting out fires he starts (like not registering with CA DOJ, leaking her book) under the guise of being her representative and keeping Mayte helplessly dependent on him for everything---all of this is due to the lies he’s told. For Dave or even Mayte to say she wasn’t invited to the Celebration would be a total embarrassment for them both because it would call into question the validity of her book (see our previous posts that fact check the book’s content) and all she’s ever wanted us to believe (including the foolish notion that Prince was strung out over her until the day he died) is proven to be a figment of her distorted reality; a reality, that if abandoned, may also mean that she abandons her friendship with Dave. And that is something that he just can’t have.

Show the proof, Dave, or it didn’t happen!

* An excerpt from Lonn Friend’s book, Sweet Demotion

** Among Dave’s lies: he's a lawyer (attended several, but never graduated from college let alone law school), that he worked for Prince at Paisley (Prince didn't want him near his business and didn’t like him).

#mayte garcia #Dave Buchansky #Celebration2017 #Kirk Johnson #KirkyJ #Prince #Paisley Park

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a-m00d · 4 years ago

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Not talking again

So we got in a bit of a fight starting last night, and now he is completely not responding to me. It started with me....because we had a bit of a virtual sex thing Friday night when I was drinking, and I kindof felt bad/weird about it the next day...but chose not to think about it. But the main thing that got me sad was that it seemed like, he just felt like doing that with me cuz we hadn’t in a while and he was into me particularly that night (as he said). So of course I have to wonder, all those many nights we didn’t talk about anything sexual, how many girls he was saying the same things to. He posted the next day on instagram (twice) a pic of the vapor inhaler, referring to it as kinky...and the fact he posted it twice....and along with a pic of a wolf I know signals some other kindof love story i’m unaware of makes me think he is reaching out to his old flings on instagram since he’s been horny lately. I was trying to be nice and caring towards him being sick, but when I do that...he takes advantage of me and tries to get horny with me and everything like that. Sometimes I comply and sometimes I don’t but I wonder often if he just reaches out to other girls when I don’t comply. And maybe it’s not every time, but i’m sure it’s happened. But from what he’s told me...he loves me, he wants to marry me, etc. and that he hasn’t talked to other girls. Whether he has been with other girls or not, he’s never satisfied. He’s just downright manipulative. I gave him tons of pictures of me one night and the next night he’s complaining I won’t do it again.

The most frustrating thing, though, are his responses when I call him out about this. It’s impossible to get through to him, get him to apologize about anything, get him to even stick to the point. I know so well enough by now that we will never be stable. Whenever we’re not fighting I just wait for things to boil over again. And it always happens. He’s manic and will never change. And on the other side of the coin, i’ve gotten to this point where he’s pretty much the closest friend to me and the person I go to if I’m in trouble, and we’re there for each other...but we just can’t be stable. It’s hard to stare at my phone and realize no one texted me all day. And to be honest, even if I do have that ongoing chat with any of my friends, it’s just not the same. I’m so used to talking to him non-stop. When we wake up...all day, and right up until we go to bed.

I found myself habitually just staring down at my phone all day during work, when waiting for my computer to load, etc., times when I’m just used to texting him back. It’s the perfect amount of time to say something. And every time, I realized, oh, I can’t text him. And I found myself pretty consciously aware of that habit after the realization that I probably wouldn’t get a text from him for the rest of the work day. So there was a huge void. But after yesterday, I felt really down about my life and where i’m at....knowing that he is a part of things I need to move on from or mature away from. I still find myself looking at my phone awaiting his text back. It’s not like him to go this long without texting. But at the same time, I have to tell myself...this is what I need. I’ve already bent myself over about the morals of the whole thing and my slow learning logic/emotional connection point, and what is not right and wrong, etc. But given the nature of where our conversation is at....this seems like a good time to let go. I’m sure I won’t though, and things will get worse. Maybe he’ll text back at some point and i’ll let him in again...but I can’t be the one to text. If he doesn’t text back within the next day or two, I should then block him and then give myself the time to finally grieve and be free.

I have to think about the fact that, when I am distracted, he is so nice to have around. When I’m scared or upset or going through something awful, I love that he is there, and I totally take that for granted until the times when I don’t have it. But also that, just like any dependency, it takes time to get your body off of it. I have to think about that, at least 50% of the time when we are good...I find myself thinking that I don’t even really like his personality...when he talks about stocks and shit, it’s not even the fact that I don’t quite care about the details, but more about I don’t like his aggressive/BS persona...the persona that boasts about making money or people praising him or that he’s gonna be so rich...or when he’s “so poor” and then splurges his money on something totally unnecessary. I don’t like the persona of his that—consciously or unconsciously—ignores what I’m saying and talks about himself on and on and on. I could list a million more things in here, but I think this is getting away from the deeper issues I started to feel just before writing this post.

When he moved away, I was devastated. Because, weirdly, for those last 2 days, we were in such a good place. But back then I also had the hope that he would still change if he went away. My brain told me he wouldn’t, but that feeling of hope was still there. Now, talking to him in FL, I know he not only hasn’t changed, but probably won’t make it back to NY any time soon. (which in essence is fine, because I wouldn’t want him back in NY if he was in the place that he’s at now and we’re still somewhat talking.)

Fuck...now I want to text him. Now I have the urge to just say something and smooth things over...UGH. WHAT. IS. WRONG. WITH. ME. Is it boredom? I think I’m searching for hope....either that he will change, or that I will take the next step and just magically get over him and not care one day. It would be so much easier if I met another guy. If he met another girl...well...it would be hard as fuck because I know he would just gradually stop texting me and being interested without ever saying anything and potentially never even admitting it...but it might just be the best blessing in disguise ever. My mind is racing with a million thoughts right now. Although I was debating not saying anything to him about the instagram post, it wouldn’t have mattered...because I felt so strongly about my feeling that he is never satisfied, and that its so unfair to me and that I need better. But does better equal nothing? I mean, in theory it definitely does....and those times when i’m upset and disappointed with him, I dream about just being alone. But then almost immediately after we stop talking, the withdrawal kicks in. THIS IS ULTIMATELY WHY I NEED TO END THIS RELATIONSHIP. And my brain knows this sooooo clearly. But my desires and urges, I just can’t control. He’s like a drug and I need him to go on with my day to day life. There’s literally no difference between him and adderall and juuling and caffeine. The more and more I have gotten older the harder it is for me to give up on my dependencies. Apart from when I was young in high school and just had an epiphany to stop using drugs...now it feels so much harder...maybe because I feel like life is more difficult and depressing, and that I have more responsibility. But also maybe....because I’ve trained myself to get used to these dependencies, and now i’m so stuck in my routine that I just don’t want to deal with the hurt and pain of losing everything and not being in my best mood to give off good energies.

The part where it gets complicated though, is that...the logic should be that if I don’t have a significant other, I have more time to work on myself and everything else in my life. However, my social life makes up about 5% of my life at this moment. I don’t really talk to any of my friends very frequently and I do spend a ton of time working...or maybe just watching TV, etc. It would be nice to be able to focus even more on my work...but when I do this, I don’t think I will be in that happy place I dreamed of. I think I will feel extremely isolated and yearn for more of a social life and/or romantic connection again.

It’s difficult to let go. The feeling is very dismal right now. But I have to not just follow my deep-rooted urges. Regardless of what I do, I have to think before I act again.

Of course, he just texted now. What will I do? I haven’t opened the text, but I’m sure when I read it, it won’t fulfill me. It will either be something dismal about his life to try and make me feel bad for him or something to make me angry.

...of course it was.

His first text was like, “i’ve been at the dr. office all day :( bye”

(followed by 2 more texts about how sick he is)

I just really have no words for this behavior. It is so manipulative. If i feed off of his “bye” text, it will only just make things worse. But who am I to deal with that? It’s not a big deal, but it is because I don’t want to engage with people who speak to me like that. And with him, I couldn’t just say anything somewhat rational about that response, like, “i’m sorry but when you text me “bye” or dismissive things, I don’t want to engage” AND I couldn’t even say anything easy or candid like, “text me back when you decide you’re over speaking to me like a child.” If I told him he could either text me like an adult or we don’t talk, he would just act like a child and say “ok fine bye we’re not talking because of you.” He would say something hurtful to me that would pry me right in the gut. Whether I would say something back immediately or not, I would be hurt about it. And then the whole cycle begins and continues again. The reason we have so many problems even in the first place is because the majority of the times I don’t want to talk to him, and I literally can’t...because I have to weigh if the immense stress of the argument that will follow me saying something is better than not saying anything at all. Honestly, even many of those times I do say something, and we do talk it out, more problems occur, making things essentially so complicated we just brush things over. This sounds like a regular relationship, but oh, it’s not at all. HE. DOESN’T. EVER. CHANGE.

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racingtoaredlight · 6 years ago

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What else are you gonna do with your stupid life? College football watch ‘em ups for week 2 (officially) of the 2018 season

I’m all in on the rebirth of the run & shoot and don’t know if I have enough caring in me to write about every game this week. FUCK IT WE’LL DO IT LIVE!

Disclaimers about time zones and other sites and what the fuck ever go here. It doesn’t matter, we rake in like zero ad dollars from these posts.

This week is an oddity due to a lack of off-day games. Just one Friday and no others. I kind of wish every week was like this but I think this is the only one for the year.

Saturday, September 8

Matchup Time (ET) TV/Mobile

Arizona at Houston 12:00pm ABC/ESPN2 (RM

Khalil Tate and Kevin Sumlin might just be a match made in hell. Ed Oliver has personally humiliated some great dual-threat QBs in the past but I don’t know if Tate is actually a threat through the air. Not sure what that means for the all-important stats.

Duke at Northwestern 12:00pm ESPNU

Northwestern sucks. I’ll still root for them but they’re not good.

Eastern Michigan at Purdue 12:00pm BTN

The nation’s leader in all-purpose yards at home against EMU? Hell yes.

Georgia Tech at USF 12:00pm ABC/ESPN2 (RM)

I almost made a national champions joke but USF and UCF are actually different schools. Not by much, mind you. Based on one week against stiffs I have the impression this is a good year for the Ramblin’ Wreck.

Liberty at Army 12:00pm CBSSN

Army doesn’t even play a cool version of the option. This game is a pox.

Mississippi State at Kansas State 12:00pm ESPN

A bunch of guys who will play in the NFL next year are playing against each other for teams that will combine to lose 10+ games this year. This is a headache in a bag. I think I’d take KState +8 and the over of 54.5.

Nevada at Vanderbilt 12:00pm SECN

Oddly enough, I’d be totally into this one if Vandy were flying West for a 10pm kickoff. This version looks terrible, though.

New Mexico at Wisconsin 12:00pm BTN

Can’t wait for Hornibrook to end up getting a Heisman invite. He’s Wisconsin’s answer to Gino Torretta.

Towson at Wake Forest 12:00pm ACCNExtra

I’ve always thought of it as “Nextra” but then I saw it written as ACCNE and now there’s no going back.

Western Michigan at Michigan 12:00pm FS1

I know I’m stupid and crazy but I haven’t sold all of my Harbaugh stock just yet. I’ve heard about how he’s not a college coach and he’ll be back in the NFL next year but I can’t shake the feeling that he can still get things to click with just a little more time.

Georgia State at NC State 12:30pm RSN

NC State lost a ton of talent to the pros this year and the next in line from QBU isn’t really as great as his offseason draft hype. Georgia State is absolutely going to beat the spread.

Holy Cross at Boston College 1:00pm ACCNExtra

Somehow this battle for Boston reminded me of somebody explaining in excruciating detail about how BC isn’t in Boston and it just makes me hate that place and its people all over again.

UCLA at Oklahoma 1:00pm FOX

UCLA generally doesn’t do very well in early games and Oklahoma’s talent level is very obviously higher than the Bruins at every position. I don’t know what point to make here. Hopefully Rodney Anderson gets more than 5 carries this week but he might not need to.

Air Force at Florida Atlantic 2:00pm CBSSN / Facebook

FAU got murdered by Oklahoma last week so I’m a little bit intrigued by how Lane bounces back. Vegas really likes the Owls but I’m not really sure why.

Portland State at Oregon 2:00pm Pac-12N

This is some high quality trash. I won’t watch it due to dumb circumstances but I’d enjoy it if I could.

William & Mary at Virginia Tech 2:00pm ACCNExtra

The Hokies looked pretty good against FSU. I forgot all about Josh Jackson since he missed the 2017 season but I think he’s a pretty good college QB.

Kansas at Central Michigan 3:00pm ESPN Plus

What can you say about Kansas football without laughing maniacally?

Arkansas State at Alabama 3:30pm ESPN2

Red Wolves vs. Crimson Tide should be some sort of rivalry. Bama looks every bit as good as expected so this will probably be a bloodbath. In red.

Ball State at Notre Dame 3:30pm NBC

Notre Dame gets to walk around like a top 10 team for now but a 7-point win over Michigan at home in a game that felt like a blowout doesn’t strike me as a springboard to a CFB Playoff berth. Brian Kelly is still a shitty murderer so fuck him.

Buffalo at Temple 3:30pm ESPN3

Tyree Jackson threw 6 TDs last week while Temple was losing to Villanova. The result? Temple is favored by 5. That seems wrong. Are there really people betting their hearts in what looks like a classic degenerate’s matchup?

Colorado at Nebraska 3:30pm ABC

Big 8 rivals square off in the first game (probably!) of the Scott Frost era. Smart money is probably on Colorado.

Georgia at South Carolina 3:30pm CBS

If Coach Boom is going to make the most of his great roster he needs to spring the upset here. That doesn’t seem crazy to me so look for UGA to win by 40.

Howard at Kent State 3:30pm ESPN Plus

A bunch of 1-AA teams are in the watch ‘em ups for a second time this week but Howard is closest to my heart. Love the Bison to trample the Gun Girls.

Memphis at Navy 3:30pm CBSSN

This is the only game most years where I cheer against Memphis. I don’t have a great feeling about this Navy team, though, so my advice for you who are wondering is to put the mansion on Memphis to win by more than 6 and for the over to hit some time in the third quarter.

Morgan State at Akron 3:30pm ESPN Plus

I’ll leave this one to Soused.

North Carolina at East Carolina 3:30pm ESPNU

This game was in the maybe watch column on SB Nation’s grid this week and I can’t comprehend why this is anything but AVOID!!!!! even if they don’t offer that designation.

Rutgers at Ohio State 3:30pm BTN

Ohio State is out here with a boatload of talent and a scheme that mostly runs itself in games like this. I wish all bad things on the Ohio State football program but they have some really great players that I don’t hate.

Wagner at Syracuse 3:30pm ACCNExtra

Eric Dungey’s quest for a rushing title continues.

ETSU at Tennessee 4:00pm SECN

Without looking I think Tennessee is probably favored. By too much.

Lamar at Texas Tech 4:00pm FSN / FSGo

I make jokes about Lamar being just some dude every year and it’s dumb but I can’t look at Lamar and not think it’s just some dude instead of a team.

Southern Illinois at University of Mississippi 4:00pm SECNA

What’s up with fixing the mascot name but not the other super racist allusion in your sports programs? Progress of some sort, I guess. This is a body bag game of the lowest caliber.

Iowa State at Iowa 5:00pm FOX

Potentially cool game at college football’s most heartwarming stadium. Nothing here not to love.

North Dakota at Washington 5:00pm Pac-12N

Is this the same school that Carson Wentz went to? I’m not looking it up. A lot of you were all in on Auburn trashing UDub last week but that didn’t actually happen. Washington could still win 12 straight and end up back in playoff contention, even without their star LT.

Appalachian State at Charlotte 6:00pm ESPN Plus

Wild to think this is 1-A on 1-A.

Maryland at Bowling Green 6:00pm ESPN Plus

It was funny to see Texas lose and all but let’s all remember to hate the fuck out of Maryland’s coaches and program from here to eternity.

Savannah State at Miami (FL) 6:00pm ACCNExtra

There is no reason for most people to give a shit about this game but I’m interested to see if the freshman QBs are really bad or if Mark Richt is just being way too conservative with his roster by starting Malik Rosier. My gut says nobody is worse for this team than Rosier. I know Ahmmon Richards, for one, agrees with me.

SC State at UCF 6:00pm ESPN3

Here’s the national champs. Not gonna lose the winning streak here.

UMass at Georgia Southern 6:00pm ESPN Plus

Now we’re getting into some good degeneracy. There are too many other games at this same time to really dive into this shitfest but it’s real as hell to me.

Youngstown State at West Virginia 6:00pm ATTSN

I was looking at games on CBS Sports and they didn’t have a channel listed for this game. ATTSN = AT&T Sports Network, guessing a DirecTV exclusive? I love Holgo even if I kinda hate the Air Raid.

Eastern Kentucky at Marshall 6:30pm ESPN Plus

Here’s another great backup game. I don’t know if anybody good is on either team this year.

Baylor at UTSA 7:00pm CBSSN / Facebook

Ugh. Fucking Baylor. Go the fuck away forever, Baylor.

Clemson at Texas A&M 7:00pm ESPN

Until about 5 years ago Clemson and aTm were actually the same program. Now Clemson is a legit 5-star program and I fucking hate it. Not enough to root for the Aggies, mind you. Talent watching is pretty good in this one but the idea of Jimbo Fisher falling flat on his face in Aggieland is too good not to dream about.

Florida A&M at Troy 7:00pm ESPN Plus

Let’s go Rattlers!

Indiana State at Louisville 7:00pm ACCNExtra

Petrino might be on the verge of sunsetting unless he flukes his way into another megastar. Louisville looks like the most ACC of ACC teams right now even though they have no business being in the conference. This should be an AAC team all the way.

Southeastern La. at LSU 7:00pm ESPN2

I want to whisper to all of you that LSU really isn’t all that good but I’m typing and you’re maybe reading it instead.

Southern at LA Tech 7:00pm ESPN Plus

Louisiana Tech is one of my pet stupid programs. I always think they’re one random star recruit away from becoming the next offense lab in college football. This probably isn’t the year, though.

Texas Southern at Texas State 7:00pm KNVA/ESPN3

If anybody has more than a gambling interest in this one I am dying to hear about it. Seriously. Explain yourself.

UAB at Coastal Carolina 7:00pm ESPN Plus

Last week I insulted UAB’s football program and they went out and won 52-0, their first shutout victory in 10 years. So let me continue my campaign for them to drop the program again.

ULM at Southern Miss 7:00pm ESPN3

I don’t think I realized until right now that CUSA is the surviving shell of the old Metro Conference. I thought the Metro just died. Anyway, CUSA football is MACtion for degenerates. Meaning that I like it. This game got a shoutout on the NFL’s season opener so maybe it will draw an audience in the hundreds.

UT Martin at Middle Tennessee 7:00pm ESPN Plus

The Tee Martins are back! How does it feel to play football your whole life and go to college for football and then realize that you’re playing for the team that’s being paid to lay down to Middle Tennessee State? Not even like Wake Forest or somebody like that - worse! It still sounds kind of fun but embarrassing at the same time.

Wyoming at Missouri 7:00pm ESPNU

Drew Lock has some similar physical traits to Wyoming’s QB from last year but I think he’s gotten better coaching. Similar arm talent(!!!) at least. I don’t know about the raw athleticism which, no shit, Josh Allen has tons of. Anyway, Missouri should stomp all over Wyoming.

Samford at Florida State 7:20pm ACCNExtra

The Bobby Bowden Bowl! The immediate reactions to Willie Taggert at FSU were loud and angry but he needs some time to sort through the weird mess that the team devolved into last year. I don’t think he can keep running the offense he had at USF with this roster, though, and he needs to figure that out quickly.

Alabama State at Auburn 7:30pm SECNA

The Littlest Iron Bowl! Auburn is another team that didn’t look great to me in week 1. And they don’t have any obvious path to the playoffs.

Arkansas at Colorado State 7:30pm CBSSN

This might be the farthest an SEC team has traveled for a regular season game this century.

FIU at Old Dominion 7:30pm beIN SPORTS

Keep the faith in Butch Davis. It’ll turn out pretty well in the end. I think.

Fresno State at Minnesota 7:30pm FS1

I think CSU-Fresno had the highest point total in the country in week 1 but it came against 1-AA Idaho State. Yeah, I just wanted to drop a mention to Idaho State as a (once again) 1-AA team. This game is probably trash but it has the decency to be a dumb night game that nobody will notice unless it gets wild.

Incarnate Word at North Texas 7:30pm ESPN Plus

This is truly bottom of the barrel stuff but UNT does have the nation’s leader in passing yards per game!

Kentucky at Florida 7:30pm SECN

UF is really heavily favored to win their 32nd straight against Kentucky but why? The line is only 14 but odds are weighted like 88% for the Gators to win. Kentucky sucks but doesn’t Florida?

Maine at WKU 7:30pm ESPN Plus

A lot of oddball evening games this week. I like it.

Utah at NIU 7:30pm ESPNews

Northern Illinois got blown out by Iowa last week. Utah looked like hell for the first 30 minutes against Weber State. I don’t have a point. Utah will probably win by 20.

Virginia at Indiana 7:30pm BTN

UVA and IU are more similar than dissimilar historically speaking. This game makes me annoyed just knowing that it’s going to happen and that it’s on Big Ten Network. Get your shit together, Hoos.

Western Illinois at Illinois 7:30pm BTN

It would be so Lovie Smith to lose this game.

Cincinnati at Miami (Ohio) 8:00pm Raycom / ESPN3

I agree with what Ohio State fans were saying a few years back: Luke Fickell sucks.

New Mexico State at Utah State 8:00pm Facebook

Facebook? For this one? Boo hiss. This is prime gambling athletics, nobody should be tracking you as you watch this one.

Nicholls at Tulane 8:00pm ESPN3

Nicholls! The Nicholls Nickels! Tulane doesn’t get a lot of easy wins but I think we can all agree with some bit of confidence that Tulane may suck loudly but they’re still better than Kansas.

Penn State at Pitt 8:00pm ABC

I have an unhealthy and unrealistic need for Pitt to win this game.

Sacramento State at San Diego State 8:00pm No TV (!!!)

What in the goddamn fucking hell is SDSU doing with no TV coverage in 2018? Christ almighty. This is hilarious.

South Alabama at Oklahoma State 8:00pm FSN

I wish South Alabama was good enough to at least put the fear of god in Okie State but they really aren’t. Expect a typical early season massacre from the Cowboys.

Southern Utah at Oregon State 8:00pm Pac-12N

What the hell is this?

Tulsa at Texas 8:00pm LHN

Tulsa only beat Central Arkansas by 11 last week but Texas lost to Maryland. 23 points might be too much to expect for the Longhorns at this juncture.

USC at Stanford 8:30pm FOX

The Pac-12 is known for two things: bad scheduling and bad referees. Also, bad defenses so that makes three things. This is bad scheduling. Why is the most marketable game of your whole conference year happening in week 2 at 8:30pm EST? This is absolutely moronic.

UTEP at UNLV 9:00pm ATTSN

Ever since it popped into my head last year or the year before I just can’t get over UNLV being confederate-themed. What the hell is that?

California at BYU 10:15pm ESPN2

This is actually beautiful scheduling which makes me think BYU came up with it themselves. Great uniform matchup even if both teams stink.

UConn at Boise State 10:15pm ESPN2/ESPNU

Haha, UConn. What are you doing? How did this program actually make it to major bowl game in the last 10 years? They’re 31-point underdogs playing past their bedtimes against an OK-at-best Boise State team. This somehow feels earned.

Michigan State at Arizona State 10:45pm ESPN

Really not sure how Sparty agreed to this one but if I have one strong conviction from week 1 it’s that Herm Edwards should have stayed a TV talking head and left the coaching game to everybody else.

San Jose State at Washington State 11:00pm Pac-12N

Very fine watchin’ ‘em up here. You have to catch them all.

Rice at Hawai’i 11:59pm Spectrum

Spectrum is a station? Spectrum is a cable company. Anyway, Rice played Ed Oliver last week and now they have to face early RTARLsman frontrunner Cole McDonald. I’m cautiously bandwagoning for Hawai’i.

#football #college football #degenerate football #tv watch em ups #saturday post

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gregsnormalchristianlife · 8 years ago

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FEAR and a FALTERING FAITH

The other day, Lord, you gave me reason to calculate how long I have been running. Not the “one foot in front of the other” kind of running, but the Jonah kind of running.

Six years.

Well, not entirely like Jonah for all of those past six years. For much of the first two, you were letting us walk in the shoes of Joseph.

During the white spaces of those two Joseph-like years (Genesis 40:23-41:1), I was decidedly your captive. 2011-’12 were years of breaking. You both broke and built me. Because of what you did in those two years as you mercifully began to displace me from myself, I remember being terribly sad to see that precious, though painful, time in the rear-view mirror. This June 10, 2012 blog entry acceptably encapsulates your sovereignty in the midst of those first two of these past six years (please link to and read it if you have been directed to this entry).

So, it’s really like I’ve been doing the Jonah thing for much of the past four years.

Well, not entirely like Jonah for all of those four years. I now see that the first two of those four you were lovingly allowing me to do the pre-battle, risk-fee preparatory work like the pre-Judges 7:15 Gideon. There’s nothing like being obedient during the night hours where there’s less exposure, less potential ridicule, less reliance upon you alone to protect and care for us (Judges 6:25-27). And there’s nothing like being bold in the preparations for the battle - when you’re not really yet taking those first, ‘no turning back’ steps in the direction of the Valley of Jezreel (Judges 6:33-35). There’s room to hedge a bit when ‘there is work to be done.’ There’s little fear when merely cocking the rod and reel behind the head. But faith is demonstrated in the forward movement, the actual casting of the line. That’s where trust lives.

But, Lord, for whatever reason, you let me live in the relative safety of that second two years, following the first pilot group unveiling of the WTSU work in the fall of 2012. I tried to take the advice of those beautiful people who responded to that call for the first exposure of what you’d given me as I edited, re-edited and re-re-edited the content for ‘the next time.’ Indeed, every single time I touched the material in those second two of these past six years, even up through it’s renaming as of late, you met me in the midst of it, Lord. And our holy discontent-filled heart would begin to burn again. In fact, I’ll never forget editing the final words in the audio version of the 2nd complete makeover of the WTSU material. I was sitting on my motor coach on a Saturday in early November, 2013 on the campus of the University of Toledo. I remember it felt like I had exhaled for the first time in a year, since it’s first pilot group airing. I’m confident I can find the pictures I took that very day. It was an unexpectedly emotional moment. I was overcome with emotion.

Yep, found ‘em. This was the view from where I sat.

I remember it like it was yesterday. I must’ve sat there for 15 minutes, completely silent...spent...wondering what God was going to do with the last 12 month’s worth of effort.

“Are you a crazy man?”

“For whom have you utterly spent yourself again, for months, in this same direction?”

Sometimes it was a very lonely walk of obedience. But most of the time, I knew I had spent the hundreds and hundreds of hours with you, Jesus. You were working on and in me - on us, as much as anything. And if WTSU were to never again see the light of day, it was okay. I accepted that day that if it were only as an act of obedience in the direction of the holy discontent which you had been using to wreck me for the previous 30 months, that would be enough. As long as you were pleased with me. That’s all I needed to know at the time. And that was enough. You had, in your providential care, placed me in a humble occupation I would never have dreamed I’d be doing where I was given time to think, pray, write, and record what you were asking of me. I was being paid by the hour for at least 80% of the time we’d spent together developing the WTSU, BaSFL, and Rev3(2) trifectas of content...on motor coaches and in hotel rooms in towns from New York City, Washington D.C., New Haven, CT, Breezewood, PA and Toronto, Canada to volleyball matches, swim meets, and baseball, football, basketball and soccer games and matches in places like Richmond, KY, Rolla, MO, Panama City Beach, FL, Ann Arbor, MI and New Orleans, LA. I sat there amazed - and still. For a long time.

I recall the sun had just begun to peak out from an afternoon of dark clouds and heavy rains. The visual backdrop of the moment was one I remember wanting to absorb - and capture. So I did. It was a bit of visual, poetic justice.

Furthermore, how could I look back at those pre-battle, preparatory, second two years with disdain when it was in those years between 2013-’14 that you wrote your Beginning a Spirit-Filled Life book in me? Our fellowship and growth during that 24-30 months between June, 2012 and January, 2015, was necessarily continual as we wrote, re-wrote, organized and worked seemingly endlessly on that manuscript - sometimes seven days a week while using every 15-minute pause for the cause. It was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. If I were you, I think I would have been twiddling my thumbs, wondering if that child of mine were ever going to be finished manipulating that material! I just wanted it to be as thorough a recollection of what you had taught me as possible in case you wanted other life-long Christians to discover the more “normal” Christian life you had intended all along for us when you went to abide by the Father’s right hand.

But there’s no doubt that, both in seasons of that second two years and in seasons hence, you have now shown me that I have behaved strikingly like the pre-Judges 7:15 Gideon. And you seem to be okay with it. It also was a time I wouldn’t trade for much of anything. But thank you, Lord, that while in Judges this morning you kept me reading past chapter 7 and verse 15 to demonstrate that my Gideon-like tendencies can yet be met with an equal amount of decisive obedience and confidence, and that you are worthy of our absolute trust on the other side of fear and a faltering faith.

But when the recasting of the WTSU material was ‘good enough for now,’ and the book you asked that I tackle which chronicled what you’d taught me about the utter insufficiency of my old man and how our earth-side man is destined to settle for too little outside of your supernatural in-breaking, and you’d given me the outline purposed to call teenage students out of the mist and haze of our American, cultural Christianity and into a greater understanding of their higher calling as citizens of an eternal Kingdom by way of the Rev3(2) curriculum, I sat down...and waited.

And waited.

...and waited.

Sometimes I waited in frustration. Sometimes I waited with an eager anticipation of what you may be doing behind the scenes. But I decidedly waited, trying to learn from my past when I may have mistakenly pushed on in my own strength, my own timing, at my own initiative.

It was in early-mid 2015 that I began to feel the Lord was asking me to take a risk. For thirteen years I had lived in the wake of a disability, the extent of which very few people knew. At a time when the effects of our ’02 brain hemorrhage were beginning to pick up speed, I awoke to your Spirit’s challenge. I won’t forget it. For more than a decade, I refused to put “us” into a position where we may fail. I’d absolutely avoided working in an environment where rapid-fire mental capacity were going to be necessary – you know, like most people do every day without thinking about it. You asked me to trust you by being willing to step through a door of simple administrative opportunity with an awesome, committed Christian business man and my gifted cousin.

In reality, I’d been waiting for something, someone to take up the sword and lead what you’d given me onto the battle field of our confused, post-Christian culture. Looking back, Lord, I now see I was acting as if I were powerless, forgetting that my relative incapacitation was no match for your power. Much like Gideon, I was being overwhelmed with feelings of responsibility for my family’s welfare and my feelings of inadequacy for the job to which you’d called me. Funny, it just came to me that I was perhaps operating in a Moses-like manner in knowing well my call, but waiting for an Aaron to grab the staff. Aaron ... where are you, Aaron? HELLO?!

For all intents and purposes, it was time to DO what you had required of me. You had pointed my heart and soul to delivering news to Nineveh, a lost and dazed place of self-sufficiency and self-destruction. But I ... I got in line for the boat to Tarshish.

Lesli and I were weary of my continual travel from the previous four years. The pull of an 8 hour work-day with availability at night...together...when I wasn’t continually writing or recording or editing, or picking up hours on a second job...was strong. We missed one another terribly. During this third pair of two years, we were grieving over Caleb’s second ‘gap year’ away from Taylor University, a place and a people he truly loved, due to finances. We couldn’t ‘solve’ his problems, and our hearts ached. I mean ached. For these and other reasons I may never discover exactly, I just began to do life – satisfied for the line awaiting the boat to Tarshish. Or maybe I wasn’t really running from God’s direction for me by standing in the wrong line at all. It was more like I was sitting comfortably on a park bench at a crossroads, watching the boats to Nineveh and Tarshish come and go, come and go. While I - well, maybe while I pouted. Or healed - with Lesli. I don’t know which. Probably some of both.

I suppose I’m just beginning to understand that I have been grieving over a great many things for the better part of two years, this third two year period. When you add to these things my noticeable continuance into less than optimal cranial endurance and capacity, without identifiable diagnosis, 2015 and ‘16 have been a decided pause.

But even in the midst of these past 18 months, you have again done your work – in the midst of my folded hands on the matter of our holy discontent. For in these many little acts of obedience and trust in your ability to work through me, and in appointments with men and women from all walks of life, you have exposed me to two things:

1. A reintroduction to Tom Roy one day in Warsaw, IN, and his wise council to assemble a “personal board” around which you would be able to do your work through the counsel and assistance of other godly men, and

2. An increased comfort in sitting down with individuals while challenging them to dream about something I had to share.

There have been a number of things you have brought to bear on my heart in the last couple of months. I think the first was when our business owner asked this question (in so many words) of our staff during a monthly “time out” at a coffee joint where we take time to focus on what God is teaching us.

“If you could do anything of your choosing, what would you like to do? I’d like to facilitate that if I can.”

While others may have thought that were an odd question, I think Jeff and I may both have known it was on the table for me to ponder. I could be wrong. But that rang in my ears for weeks until a couple weeks back when, in your great compassion, Lord Jesus, you yanked my gaze back in the direction of your power and ability, and not my own. You began searing two things into my heart and soul. One’s a question. One’s a fear greater than heading straight to my Nineveh because it stands to negatively impact others whom I love and have come to appreciate greatly, my co-workers at Servant HR. This first one was on the forefront of my mind one morning, clear as day.

1. “My child, were I to guarantee you of my return in 2017, would you continue investing your time in doing what you’re doing today?”

Whoa, that cut right to the chase. And it was way too simple for me to answer. Why ask that of me right now? My sheepish answer had to be, “No.” There’s nothing wrong with what I’m doing with most of my day-time effort. In fact, it’s a really great thing in itself, with some incredible people doing great things! I just began to think about whether it’s what you have discharged into my care. And given what has been miscue after miscue recently with high percentage-to-close clients, some literally even going back on their word to initiate our servicing them, the next thought that just kept coming to the front of my mind was whether blessing was being withheld from Jeff, Mike and company because I was standing in the wrong line…the line to Tarshish. I cannot say I have been willfully going in the opposite direction from my Nineveh, Lord, but I have most decidedly not been facing our Nineveh, let alone boldly traveling down that road where you’ve asked that I go – into the center of what has been breaking both our hearts for years.

The second ponderance has been this:

2. “Greg, why are you still in line for the boat to Tarshish? I purposely put you into two years of Joseph-like stillness. I then gave you two years to prepare and gain confidence in our message before it was time to march into battle because I know how much you hate to march into anything before you’re really...I mean really prepared - at least in your own mind. I met you in those four years. You knew ‘the work’ was finished. I know this because you essentially sat down and folded your hands. But now? While I can and will take what you’ve been doing for the last 2 waffling years to enhance what I’ve given you to do, don’t just continue on your trek to Tarshish because it is more predictable or because you’re afraid of letting down your co-workers, or because you don’t see a practical way to both sell out to Nineveh and care for your family’s welfare. Others may begin experiencing the repercussions of your lack of faith to that which I have called you if you aren’t ready to listen to me.”

And that one sobered me. What if you are just waiting to bless both parties, but I’m in the way - twice over? One thing is sure. There hasn’t been an overwhelming blessing on my activities of late! And, as I read yet again in recent weeks about how you brought Joseph out of his prison stillness by blessing all that he put his hands to, that didn’t help a bit!

Yes, Lord Jesus, you have patiently met me in the midst of some Joseph-like stillness, some Gideon-like fear, and now maybe, some Jonah-like flight. But for the past several weeks, you have been renewing my vision and gaining in my confidence.

“Why are you waiting on ANYONE else to advance the cause I’ve asked of you?”

“Am I not enough?”

Yes, Lord, you are enough. I know that full well.

Thank you for already forgiving me on the cross through the covering of your blood for my lack of faith. Forgive me for waiting for another to blaze the trail to a destination toward which you’ve asked that I place my feet. The living out of much of the past six years of our life together has been patterned after some of the most challenging (Joseph-like) and faithless (Jonah and Gideon) times in these dude’s lives. And I see it now. No wonder I’ve been so depressed. When we live too long in stillness, fear and flight, we begin to become sick at heart. Proverbs 29 tells us that where there is no vision, people perish. But it is equally true that hope deferred makes the heart sick, and that the antidote for that sick heart is a longing fulfilled (Proverbs 13).

In the fall of 2012, you had unquestionably given me something to begin shouting from the mountain tops, the original Will Truth Survive Us? material. At that time, 18 months’ worth of revealing, writing and weeping was given its first, blushing exposure to something very dangerous – public contact and critique. In the wake of that first pilot, you bore a vision out of overwhelming affirmation from those couples who attended – for 8 long weeks! But until about two weeks ago, when you reminded me that this was your call of me and not of anyone else, it had been a vision resulting only in hope after hope…deferred. And you most surely weren’t opting to bring me “an Aaron.”

But in your great love, grace, patience and mercy, you have kept my heart afloat. Not only that, you have met me in these past six years like never before in my previous forty-five. And I know it is time for “a new planting.”

It seems you knew I couldn’t do what comes next without a few straws to stir the drink, Lord. But with the recent challenges you’ve brought to the fore, as enumerated above, and affirmations like your bringing our first donation to this work in an ‘04, 236,000 mile, lovingly used Toyota Sienna through Reiners’ hands just this past Sunday afternoon, and like your nearly instantaneous response to my Gideon-like request in the shower early yesterday morning by way of Tom Roy’s Replanting blog post just sitting in my inbox to be my next fleece, I feel as though now must be the time for the sellout.

Yep, as I stood in the shower yesterday morning, I felt like Abraham pleading for Sodom with one request after another. I felt like Gideon petitioning for just one more fleece to help gain in me the confidence to advance.

I said, “Please forgive me, Lord, but…if you could demonstrate your direction here again today as I seek your Word and watch carefully throughout the circumstances of the day, I would be most grateful. I really cannot bear to move on my own again. I need you to lead.”

And...BOOM. T-Roy’s Replanting blog entry. Thanks, Tom, for that timely entry. God used your obedience in inking that entry to be yet another fleece to a faithless Gideon.

Lord, I would ask forgiveness for the lack of faith that requests of you these tangible affirmations, but you love us so much that you provide these affirmations even when we stammer in fear of that to which you have called us.

And I’m also learning that you have people everywhere, God, if only we let ourselves be a little vulnerable. For the past two days, a man I just met this past Sunday has flushed God’s words into my phone, reminding me of what you have taught me over the past 6 years – that we must not live out our lives limited by this world’s wisdom and perspective. Rather, as I Corinthians 2:13 reminds us, human wisdom cannot be our foundation for life, but rather that your Spirit is to be relied upon to guide our steps.

So I am ready, Lord. I think. You have “two-by-four’d me” over the head in the last 3 days. Nonetheless, I can only tell you I am ready...today. The flesh is weak. I know this full well. But if I have the guts to carry out the prayerful seeking out of a personal board for the development of myself and for accountability unto that which I am confident you have asked that I devote my remaining days, I know you will be faithful. I can stand on your faithfulness all day. Help me to do so, Lord Jesus, because experience tells me that tomorrow will be a new day. And in that new day, I will need your confidence, encouragement and presence to press us on toward our version of Jonah’s Nineveh, Joseph’s Egypt, and Gideon’s Valley of Jezreel. I am ready to be the post-Judges 7:15 Gideon. Right?

When in June of 2012, and through the pages of the book that you’d asked that I write (audio version here) we began chronicling what you had taught me, you had finally loosened my grip from a life of self-confidence. I had finally…died. It took a while, but you got us there. You had taught me there was a world of difference between having a Savior and having a Lord. At the time, I knew and had accepted the fact that the future was not going to be predictable or controllable. And if you chose to grow my faith muscles, the future may not only be unpredictable, but perhaps scary, and definitely different. But you were going to be the author. And you authored in me an absolute trust that my life in your hands was far better than my life in my own hands.

So…

Here we stand, Lord. I feel we are at the next great cross-roads. Can I step into that which I cannot plan out? Can I step into the very fear of actually putting formalities into place that would actually expose my dreams to a personal board of guys who may laugh inside about what I might propose? I know with certainty that T-Roy was speaking wisdom nearly a year ago when we met for lunch and he recommended that we assemble this tight-knit, personal board. But I wasn’t ready to yet endanger this very personal and deeply emotional and experiential thing you had done through me by exposing it to too much light. What if it didn’t ‘work?’ What if I couldn’t see it through?

Man, that fall of 2012 first pilot group was amongst the most scary things I’ve ever done, Lord! But even with the positive affirmation from those parents, why is it that I have continued to stammer in such a faithless posture, assuming I need someone else (someone else?!) to embrace and hold up the vision and request you have made of me?

It is outside the normal, human experience to utterly rely on an intangible God to plan ahead for me, to help others understand, and maybe even to have others participate in what is yet little more than a vision. But you have called me onto the water. And so I will move forward now. I will need others to patiently work with a half-brain-fried guy who would rather walk in a fearful and vulnerable place than just live a quiet, predictable and comfortable life hereafter. I will have to trust you, God, to actually take care of the details. I stand on your word – for you tell us that you care for the needs of those whose hearts are steadfast upon you (Nahum 1:7). Faithfulness and trustworthiness is not something you do, but who you are. And you will walk with me in this. Shucks, you’re leading this whole deal, Jesus! I really believe that. What is there to fear? I’d rather walk in obedience than remain in the boat of my choosing, cruising toward Tarshish instead of Nineveh – while others in that boat may actually be experiencing harm due to my disobedience (Jonah 1:11-12, 15 and SHR).

I will need others to take the role of helping me understand what a 501c3 is, and whether we should start one.

I will need others to help me think through ways to supplement our income that wouldn’t too much detract from the mission.

I will need you, God, to arrest the attention of some whose hearts you have prepared for such a time as this - to give generously, maybe even while I am developing these side income provisions that could possibly help untangle us from medical, school and other debts.

Come to think of it, I’m really sick and tired of the enemy of my soul telling me what isn’t practical. Get AWAY! I serve the Almighty GOD! And YOU are ON MY SIDE! Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but I trust in the Name of the LORD my GOD (Psalm 20:7).

So...without further ado, AND for further accountability, Lord, these are the men you’ve laid on my heart for this personal board T-Roy recommended. I see it as my first step forward and would like to include these thoughts in this ‘Crossing the Rubicon’ blog entry today. It would be good to have at least 4 guys, plus myself. I’d anticipate this not being a heavy time commitment, but will plan to get with T-Roy to talk more about the functioning aspects of his blueprint.

John Esposito: John knows what it’s like to step out in faith. He’s seen you work in his life directly, Lord. He’s a first chair, first generation Christian who isn’t afraid to test water for buoyancy. It may be that his lack of proximity will make this an impractical choice, his living in AZ. But his prayerful spirit in this is important in the least.

Scott Todd: Scott knows me…like for 35 years knows me. He’s close by. He’s a man whose stability and fight through tough things in life I have admired. I see Scott asking good questions and helping us think practically through things that would benefit from that. He’s a good man.

David Greiwe: David’s one of the more contemplative, always learning, always consulting with other godly men kinda guys I know. He and Scott were both part of the first pilot of the primary and initial goal for this new venture, exposing the Kingdom or Culture content as broadly as possible. I believe he’d be one to hold me accountable to my goals and objectives.

Matt Likens: From the first time I met Matt at a Men’s SOAP Bible Study, you asked that I get to know him, Lord. I’d like the perspective of someone who may not think like me, may not have had the same experiences I’d had growing up, and who has had various experiences in life different from mine. Also, when you don’t know a guy well but have reason to respect him, I think you naturally don’t want to fail him. I see his walk with Jesus being steady and insightful.

Jerry Reiner: Lord, you have used Jerry to kind of be the straw that has stirred the drink in the last few days. He’s been my, “Look, I am about to do something new,” Isaiah 43:19 guy. He’s an encourager, has demonstrated his willingness to step out of the boat into the unknown himself, starting a 501c3 ministry about 10 years ago, and he’s pledged to be in your Word continually. His leading a non-profit may be different than what the Lord has in mind here for just myself, but surely there would be transferrables. He’s specifically been where I am going.

Roger Beaverson: I’d like a finance guy who loves the Lord more than his skill set. Someone who shares an intense passion for seeing money the way God does – as a tool to be stewarded well for God’s jealous glory, while also seeing the value of it in practical ways, understanding that it has its role in this world. My thoughts were that this role would necessarily be played by someone I could trust with private knowledge of Lesli’s and my current financial picture, and one who won’t be easily overwhelmed, but can trust in God for great things. It would also be helpful were this individual to have had experience with other non-profits, having become familiar with how some operated well while others may not have operated so well. And while I initially believed it best to operate a personal board outside of immediate family, Lord, in a period of 24 hours, you kept asking that I be willing to consider dad.

Mark Crull: Busy men are busy for a reason. Leaders are willing to lead. Mark knows my heart. Mark knows my passion comes from you, Lord. I’d love to have a man on this board who is connected to your larger Body. I think Mark thinks well. You know I need that, Lord! Mark has seen ‘programs’ come and go, both in his time with Family Life and now with Northview for a slew of years. And I know we’d benefit from a guy who could accurately perceive whether the trifecta of curriculums [Kingdom or Culture, BaSFL content, and Rev3(2) content] may find a place within the broader support for the Church. Plus, we really need a guy with an infectious laugh.

So, Lord, I now conclude these thoughts and prepare to send a link to this blog entry to each of the men above. This is the first step. Give willing hearts to the men you desire to walk alongside us, Father.

Amen.

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