#there has been a lot of grief and guilt and death since this whole ordeal started

[ugly-crying-over-bucky-barnes]

Roguish Women Part 20

Summary: Kate Rosseau is an American who fled to Paris to escape her past life. Now she's dancing and playing the part of a courtesan at the Moulin Rouge. There she meets Tommy Shelby who thinks she can be useful in expanding his empire. But has he been blinded?

Part 20: A week after the funeral, Kate still doesn’t know how any of them will recover. 

           Ada looked alarmed when Polly and Michael walked into the foyer without Kate. Dressed in black, they looked as if they were in mourning but moved like they were prepared for business. The medium that was necessary.

           “Where is Kate?”

           Polly already looked stressed enough, her niece’s question didn’t help any. “She didn’t come.”

           Ada’s eyes widened. “Pol, Tommy gave me a list and said that she needed to be here. She’s supposed to meet with him after you two meet with him. That’s why I asked you-”

           Polly held up a hand. “She wouldn’t let me in the flat for ten minutes. Then she let me in and said she wasn’t going. I said what Tommy said but she just ran off and got sick in the bathroom.”

           “But-”

           “Would you rather I had Michael pick her up and throw her in the car?”

           Ada sighed and threw up her hand. “Okay, but you can tell Tommy.”

~~~~~~~~~~

           After discussing legitimate business with Michael and Polly, Tommy dismissed them. Michael stood up to leave instantly, a good soldier. But Polly lingered. “Tommy.”

           “That’s all.” He said again, the tension rising in his voice. “Go get Kate.”

           “That’s the thing, Tommy, she didn’t come.”

           He looked up from the mess of paperwork scattered across his desk. “Excuse me?”

           “I couldn’t get her to come.” There wasn’t much else to add to it because there wasn’t anything Polly could say to make the ordeal better.

           “I told Ada she needed to be here, so why isn’t she sat in front of me right now?” He pointed at the chair Michael had left.

           “I don’t know what else to tell you, she said she couldn’t.”

           “She couldn’t.” Tommy scoffed and leaned back in his leather desk chair. “That’s funny.”

           “You need to realize-”

           He interrupted her before she could lecture him about respecting other people’s feelings. “Go into the hall, pick up the phone and call her. Tell her if she’s not here by tonight, she’s in big trouble.”

           Even if Polly was appalled by her nephew’s behavior, there wasn’t much she could say. A person in mourning wasn’t the most sensible. “Alright.” She stood up and headed out of the room to put in a call to Kate.

~~~~~~~~~~~

           A driver was sent to Birmingham to pick up Kate. She arrived just after dinner. The headlights crossed over the study, alerting Tommy. It was the first time that he’d stayed in the house past dusk since Grace’s funeral. It made him itch because all he could think about was the bedroom they once shared. The bed that remained empty. Tommy wouldn’t ever sleep it in again.

           He and Kate hadn’t interacted since the funeral. And even then, they hadn’t spoken. Tommy hadn’t spoken to anyone.

           He didn’t watch as she stepped out of the car and walked inside. He kept his eyes steady on the bookcase across the room from him. Simply downing glass after glass of whiskey. There was no sense as to why he just didn’t drink straight from the bottle instead of pouring the correct amount into the same crystal tumbler. Maybe it was just a habit. Or maybe it removed himself from the reality that he was draining the full bottle. Instead, he was just downing a couple of inches at a time. That’s all he’d been doing. Seeing if he could survive another second. Then another and another. Suddenly, the day was gone and the bottle was empty.

           “Come in,” Tommy spoke up when he heard a knock at the door.

           Kate stepped inside, pulling off her gloves and hat. However, she left on her coat as she realized upon spending a few moments in the room that it was freezing. “You aren’t keeping a fire on in here? It’s drafty.” She looked up around the large room fit for his study. There was a portrait of one of his horses on the wall but other than that, there weren’t many personal items. She knew that he was a man who kept his passions close to the heart and wouldn’t outwardly display them if they weren’t in his best interest. He didn’t wear his heart on his sleeve.

           “Why didn’t you come this afternoon when I asked you to?” He didn’t respond to her initial, innocent question. His hand was wrapped tightly around his whiskey glass. His eyes looking not really looking at her but through her. As if she weren’t really standing there. His lips were pursed as he waited for her response.

           Kate hit her gloves against her thigh a few times before walking over to the desk to sit. “I don’t know, Tommy.” She admitted. “It’s too soon and I don’t even know what to think.”

           “Too soon for what?” There was no give in his voice. No gentleness that he had shown her before.

           “Just for-for all of this. For business and communicating and just-” Kate lost her nerve. The entire drive there, she couldn’t come up with one thing to say to Tommy. She had already given him her condolences. He didn’t want sympathy from anyone. She couldn’t offer any explanation because there wasn’t any he wanted to hear. She couldn’t explain the guilt and grief she felt because it felt minuscule to what he was feeling. It was comparing a drop to an ocean.  “It’s too soon for you, Tommy.”

           He let go of his grip on the glass and busied himself with lighting a cigarette. “You don’t get to tell me what I’m ready for.”

           “I’m not. I’m just going off what your family has been telling me.” She folded her hands on her lap, not ready for a fight. That would just be like two wounded fighters dragging their swords into another fight for no good reason.

           Tommy focused on his smoke for a bit before he addressed her again. “When I ask you to come to something, you come.”

           Kate bit her tongue but still couldn’t keep herself from giving a prickly reply. “If you had things to tell me that was urgent, you could’ve called me.”

           “That’s not the fucking point.” He tapped his cigarette against the ashtray.

           “Tommy, everything I’ve done for you never matters. What matters is when I can’t do something. Before you pull shit like this, remember that I’ve stretched myself thin to accommodate you and to improve your business dealings. That’s what you brought me in here for, that’s what I’m doing. I’m not a puppet that you can call in any second of any day. Don’t you realize that everyone is suffering to at least some degree?”

           Before she could continue, Tommy slammed his open palm on the desk. The loud noise made Kate jump in her seat and go quiet.

           Exhausted, running on nothing more than whiskey and cigarettes, Tommy had reached his breaking point. His mind was nothing more than a blurred mess of jumbled thoughts and unbearable emotions. Feelings he was trying his damndest to subdue with alcohol. “Italians killed my wife. John and Arthur are going tomorrow to find their kin and bring him back to me. I won’t kill him right away; I’ll ask him a few questions. And if your fucking name comes up at all-”

           Her eyes widened in absolute disbelief. “Are you implying that I had something to do with this!?” Her voice raised in pitch and she stood up.

           “This whole time you’ve gone on about Italians being after you. You knew who the Changrettas were.” Tommy pointed a finger at her.

           “How dare you?” She gasped in utter shock. Removed from the situation, she might’ve realized that he was just grasping at straws, trying to make sense of the murder of his wife. “You know exactly why this happened and you’re putting it on me? Your brother cut Angel, I told you what sort of hell they would unleash on you but you wouldn’t fucking listen to me!”

           “You called her a liar, you wanted her gone!” Tommy rose from his chair to meet her challenge.

           “I never wanted her gone! I showed up at that dinner because she asked me to. I showed up to support her and you. I may be a lot of things, Tommy, but I am not vindictive. I know when to walk away, unlike you!”

           “Then how did you know about the Changrettas?” He demanded.

           “I told you how I knew them. And I know what kind of people they are. I told you what they would do. And I’ll tell you this now. I would never ever work with them or help them in any way. They would sooner sell me out to Santo. So, don’t you ever question my loyalty again!”

           Tommy appeared to be out of avenues of accusation. Even in irrational of a state he was drowning in, he had enough sense to hear her defense. The whole time, Tommy wanted desperately to clear his conscious of Grace’s death. He didn’t want to wake up in that pasture every morning knowing that his actions put that bullet in her heart.

           He ran a hand over his mouth and returned to his chair. “It was the fucking sapphire then.” He muttered.

           “What?”

           He shook his head. “The woman I was speaking to before it happened.”

           “The duchess,” Kate confirmed.

           “She said the sapphire Grace was wearing had been cursed by a gypsy.” He explained.

           Her brow furrowed. “And you believe that?”

           Weary, Tommy just pinched the bridge of his nose to ward off the pain throbbing in his head.

           Kate allowed herself to lower her defenses once she saw that he wasn’t willing to blame her anymore. He was just a grief-stricken man searching for explanations. “I don’t know anything about curses. But does it really matter? You know who did it. They’re going to pay.”

           He dropped his hand from his face and look up at the ceiling for a moment. “I need sleep.” He mumbled.

           It was clear enough to her. He hadn’t been sleeping because of the guilt. She knew for certain because she wasn’t sleeping either. Not in the cause of the murder. There was no question that she had nothing to do with it. But the whole time Grace and Tommy were married, Kate envied her. She wanted to be in her former agent’s shoes. To be the woman on Tommy’s arm. She prayed that one day Tommy would see that Grace was deceiving him, as she’d done before. Then maybe he would leave her and open himself up for Kate. But she never imagined the murder would happen. That’s not the way she wanted to find her spot beside Tommy. She wouldn’t take advantage of a woman’s death. And yet, she still felt guilt for the feelings she harbored for Tommy. During their marriage and after.

           “Then look for absolution,” Kate replied. “However, you see fit.”

           Tommy looked at her for a second, the first time he was really seeing her. “If I kill Vincente, Santo Leoni loses another ally.” He said out of the blue.

           “You need to be careful. Luca’s still active. If you kill his father, he will come for you.” Kate warned.

           “If he’s a man of honor, he’ll understand why I’m doing this.” Tommy picked his cigarette out of the ashtray to finish it.

           “You don’t need to worry about me, I can handle myself.” She didn’t want Vincente’s death linked to her in any way. Not even by a thought.

           Tommy nodded and opened one of the top drawers of his desk. “I need you to do a couple of things.” He handed her a piece of paper that was folded three times.

           “Okay.” She tucked it into her purse. “I’ll look over it when I get home.”

           “You can stay the night.” He offered.

           The suggestion hit her like a shock down the spine. “No, thank you but I would rather just drive back home.”

           “It’s a long drive.”

           “Well, you’re the one who wanted me to come at the last moment so I suppose I’ll just be getting back late.”

           He raised an eyebrow. “Kate, just stay over for one night, it’s okay. You’re not intruding.”

           “That’s not what I’m worried about.” She replied.

           The two looked at one another for a short bit. Tommy opened his mouth to say something but she stopped him.

           “I’m not someone who fills the space, Tommy. I stand on my own for a good reason. I don’t fit in other people’s lives. You can’t keep me around because you’re lonely.”

           Tommy pressed his knuckles into the edge of his desk. The dull aching pressure was enough to remind him he was still there. “Grace wasn’t pregnant.” He told her.

           “I know. Polly told me.” She wasn’t sure if he was trying to get a reaction out of her. And if he was, she didn’t know what kind of reaction he was looking for. Shock, joy, anger, relief?

           “I knew before everything. Before the dinner. She told me the truth.” He rubbed the side of his face, stifling a yawn. “I couldn’t walk away from her. We decided to say she had a miscarriage. Then we’d have children along the line, hopefully.” He took a deep breath. “I thought I had it, Kate.”

           There was no way she was going to lecture him or tell him she told him so. She wasn’t there to rub salt in the wounds. She simply saw him as a man who loved a woman at one point. So much so that when she came back into his life, he thought he could realize something that seemed so hard to grasp. A perfect life with a doting wife and children. Maybe he thought it was his only chance. So, he grabbed it and tidied things up along the way as they were needed. In a way, Kate could respect his commitment. “I’m sorry, I wish things worked out for you, I really do. No matter what I thought, or think, I want you to be happy, Tommy.”

           “That’s why I never stopped loving you. Even when she came back. I still loved you. I still do, Kate.”

           It was a strange concoction of feelings that sunk through her skin. A sense of validation mixed with absolute dread. She had waited so long to hear him reciprocate the feelings she had for him. But never in those circumstances. Her stomach churned. She wanted to admit that she’d never stopped loving him either. She wanted to be happy with him. But it was impossible after what happened the week before. It made her sick to her stomach to think that she wanted to be with him. The guilt was like poison. Making her nauseous and faint.

           She stumbled to stand, leaving her hat and gloves behind but managing to grab her purse. “I can’t do this.” She whispered and made an exit for the door.

           “Kate. Kate!” He called after her but she was gone before he could stop her. He paused at the doorway, listening to the heavy front doors close. The headlights dashed across the study again, the crunch of gravel under tires signaling her departure.

~~~~~~~~~`

           After she was dropped off back home. Kate was desperate to just go to bed. She couldn’t handle everything, she just wanted to sleep so she didn’t have to cope. Tears in her eyes, she unlocked the door.

           “Micina, it’s been long enough.”

           When she heard his voice, every muscle in her body locked up with fear.

           “Turn around, Kathleen, aren’t you excited to see me?”

           It felt like her heart wasn’t working properly. But she had to turn around to make sure it wasn’t just a figment of her imagination.

           Santo grinned from his spot on the sidewalk a few feet from her front steps. “After all this time and I still make you speechless.” He chuckled and took a few steps toward her. “Now, let's have a little talk.”  

Permanent Tag:  @papa-geralt-of-cirilla @giftofdreams @biba3434 @kimmietea @karmezii @enrapturedbythemoon

Tag list: @radical-gecko @actorinfluence @meltingicequeen

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[dvminics]

「luke hemmings & cis male」⇾ evans, dominic, the senior radcliffe student’s records show that he is a cancer and 23 years old. he is studying business management, living in perkins and can be reliable, intuitive, irresolute & temperamental. when i see him i am reminded of an extra set of hands to help carry groceries, cold leftovers eaten after hours in the glow of a refrigerator light, stinging eyes and stubbly cheeks. 

hello! i’m ella and i’m excited to rp with everyone. apologies for the late intros (i’m playing dom & freya) but if ur down to clown (plot), hit that like and i’ll message you!!

(death tw, alcoholism tw) dominic grew up with a pretty decent, loving childhood. it was just him, his mom, miriam, and dad, stephen. to keep it brief, things took a turn for the worse once dominic hit thirteen – his dad had a work-related accident at the construction site he was overseeing and unfortunately passed away. it was tough on the already small family, but dominic never really got much of a chance to grieve. he had to step up for his mom, especially since she fully wallowed in her grief – drinking too much, not able to keep up with everyday demands. things were only made worse as the family got caught up in a lawsuit with stephen’s work. a settlement was reached at a lower sum than promised.  his aunt lived with them for a bit, but as his mom spiraled not many people wanted to be around her, so the aunt didn’t stay long. his mom went back and forth – some days better than the rest. she started to get reliant on other men and whenever she was in a relationship that was going well, she was back to a semblance of her old self and to a better place.

her relationships didn’t last long. through all of this, dominic was just sort of picking up the pieces. he took on a job alongside school to help provide and pick up expenses. he made sure his mom was fed. he kept her on the right path when he could, which was usually whenever she was single. breakups were the lowest points for her. dominic sort of got into the habit of living his life out for her instead of himself, so he was neglecting lots of himself unfortunately.

going to college was something he struggled with. there was the financial burden, the fact that he had to take care of his mom, etc. a part of him did want to do it, get away for a bit, and actually do this one thing for himself. another part of him was overriden with guilt over the whole ordeal. during that point in his life, his mom was in a new relationship and this guy was a mess. dominic didn’t approve and he was getting frustrated so he was gonna say fuck it i’m leaving (but lbr he probs wasn’t either way) but then surprise! his mom was pregnant. dominic’s half-brother, franklin, was born when he was eighteen. dominic took the year off highschool to look out for him bc….his mother was Too Busy. her relationship went sour and she was off the rails for a bit. 

again, dominic’s sweet aunt stepped in as much as she could. she was the one that encouraged him to go ahead and give college a try. he eventually ended up applying to radcliffe bc it was local. he lived at home for the first year, so he was still able to care for his mom and brother. also, more affordable. his brother’s now five and he’s able to go to preschool, and his mother’s currently on the better side of things -- sober and has a job, although there are lapses in her sobriety. the latest lapse was at the end of his junior year, so dominic’s been more hyperfocused on his family than he usually is (which is still a lot). 

this is his second year working as an RA at perkins because who doesn’t want free board while getting paid and reigning in students who want to be meddlesome! dominic still continues his job at the local supermarket as well when he can pick up shifts, since he has a good relationship with the manager. he makes frequent trips back home and sometimes you can catch franklin hanging out with him at campus.

other fun facts is that he’s a cancer. he’s a pretty easy going, very emotionally intelligent. i think he’s super good at adapting his moods to whatever situation is at hand. for example, he’s able to fuck around and have fun at a party but then when he’s working, he’s responsible. that being said, dominic is still big on his limits. he’s not someone to get drunk on a wednesday night for the hell of it. doesn’t get high at all. has to-do lists to keep himself organized. overall though, i think he has a good balance of being able to have fun and remain grounded. he just refuses to be selfish in a way that would hurt his mom or brother or anyone else. as a person, i think he’s fairly well-adjusted despite everything (or at least comes off that way). his biggest faults are that he sacrifices so much of himself for others but it is what it is. drives an early 2000s green honda civic as well.

[curioussubjects]

Non-jittery Thoughts on 15.01

Alright, had some time too calm the hell down, so I could have thoughts beyond a keysmash and a crying emoji. Chances are, too, that I’ll have more to say once I sit down with the episode again. Had to get these initial reactions/musings out of the way first.

This episode did a bang up job setting up the personal plot points for tfw. I’m super excited to see where this is going: Dean’s hell trauma revisited, Sam’s wound and its connection to his own darkness, Cas still struggling with belonging, Dean and Cas’s continuous wrongfootedness coming to a head. It’s going to be a killer of a season emotionally, and I am Here. For. It. 

Full disclosure: the biggest chunk is destiel related. In my defense, Dabb & co. didn’t have to enable me, but here we are.

More thoughts under the cut. 

General Thoughts:

My hype was not squashed! We got a really strong season opener and I’m so happy about it. Sure, we got running ghosts. But overall the episode was incredible; just a solid SPN episode all around. A+ job and kudos to all involved ♥♥♥

The new title card is gorgeous and full of meta potential goodness. See this post for more on that; op hit it on the head I think. For additional analysis, there’s this post from different op that is killer.

Opening sequence with tfw fighting zombie ghosts and running for shelter? Amazing. Showstopping. Breathtaking. 

Dean’s grief over Jack that’s embroiled in his grief for Mary. Just. “He was our kid.” That’s some complicated shit right there. 

Gotta love all the tidbits hinting at what is to come during 15.a, at the very least, if not the larger goal of the season. Reading y’all’s thoughts on the episode has been great so far, and I can’t wait to see what else crops up this week.

                                                              //

On Sam: Currently, Sam’s role in the more interesting aspects of the plot continue to not quite match Dean’s, which has been a problem for a while. I’m seriously hoping that changes some with Eileen’s return, Rowena coming in with some banter maybe next week, and whatever weird curse Sam got with that bullet wound. I’m loving the potential and I’m loving the prospect of having Sam brought back to the center of the plot. I missed some more emotional involvement from him this episode, too, but that should be addressed once things calm down and Sam and Dean can debrief. However, we got peak Sam in a crisis and it’s always a treat to see him do his job. Bless. Him telling the clown to shut up made my night. I love him so much. 

                                                               //

On Belphegor: First off, Alex did such a fantastic job. I giggled a ridiculous amount. Instantly invested in the character as bringer of shenanigans. Was not disappointed. Quick deliciously meta tidbits about Belphegor, some of which may not feature in the show, but are still *chef’s kiss* (x):

Moabite deity responsible for fertility and sexual power (in case the ep wasn’t clear on that lmao)

was worshiped in the form of a phallus (so glad that made it to canon jfc)

is a fallen angel??? hello???

he’s the demonic embodiment of sloth, BUT specifically negligence and apathy (i am screaming isnt negligence the whole ordeal with dean and cas atm...and apathy was the problem with jack’s soulessness) 

rules misogyny and licentious men (yeah ok no wonder he was a fan of younger dean oof)

the juiciest: emerged from hell to investigate marriage among humans (and is conveniently in the peanut gallery of dean and cas’s fight. funny how that happens. hilarious, even.) 

apparently after living as a man to experience sexual pleasure he was appalled and fled back to hell where sex between men and women wasn’t a thing i’m??? what?? (yet in the show he seemed ok with hot dudes ayy)

I’m glad my “horny on main” observation turned out to be so on point jesus. Can’t help but wonder how long he’s gonna stick around. His outside perspective is amusing, at the very least. However, the fact that he barely interacted with Sam, but was a lot interested in Dean as well as Cas (though to a lesser extent) makes me think that he’s doing more than just deus exing them out of zombies and ghosts or offering hell exposition. Seems like he going to expose SOME OTHER STUFF. ABOUT DEAN (AND CAS?). He is the “Lord of Opening” after all. And isn’t using their words and being honest the thing we’re all waiting for wrt to DeanCas?? There’s some opening up that is necessary posthaste. Listen, I know I’ve been saying they need a marriage counselor, but this is not what I had in mind. Pretty on brand, though, I guess lol

I’m also really interested about the coding work the character is doing in continuing to queer Dean’s characterization. Belphegor being himself associated with (male) sexuality, and the show clearly focusing on his attraction to humans of the man variety. I wouldn’t even call it subtextual at this point as Belphegor’s interaction with Dean in the car to was really overt. My hopes that the show might actually be explicit about Dean’s bisexuality is uhhhh getting high again *confetti.* Should also maybe at least note that using a demon to do this is probs not like the best strategy, but at least said demon was 1. not skeevy and 2. mostly sympathetic to the audience. 

This is all assuming, ofc, that Belphegor is not catfishing tfw (there’s precedence, after all -- and kudos to anon and op for the timely observations). 

                                                                  //

On Dean & Cas: I think it’s really damn telling that so much space was given to their relationship as like the most important thing going on with their characters? Obviously they have individual issues to deal with (their own struggles with Chuck, revisiting Dean’s stint in hell....which btw also eventually involves Cas too so *hands*), but my sweet baby jesus the validation feels good. Onwards. 

We actually have a weird amount to unpack here because, as others have said, the tension between them is coming from more than just Mary and Jack -- though Mary and Jack are absolutely the main stressors atm as well as emblematic of problems they’ve had for a long long time.  

I’m gonna start with Dean because boy do I love that dumbass; I want to shake him. So we have Dean: he’s grieving Mary, he’s angry, he’s scared, he’s lashing out. It’s a Thursday. We know he’s angry with Cas because he blames him for Mary’s death, even if indirectly. You know what that reminds me of? Dean hating Jack for causing Cas’s death, even though it wasn’t directly Jack’s fault. More importantly, though, both the loss of Mary and the loss of Cas were caused by the same catalyst: Cas going off on his own to solve a problem instead of asking Dean (and Sam, but really, mostly Dean) for help. Like, it’s the one thing Dean has very clearly expressed that Cas needs to stop doing (hi 12x19). It’s the same mistake Cas has been making for years. There was a false sense of security there during seasons 13 and most of 14, but alas. Again, here we have Dean losing someone because Cas couldn’t just come ask him for help. Like. It makes sense, and it’s understandable, despite Dean’s coping mechanisms being shit. In short, Dean’s actual problem with Cas is less that Mary is dead and more that Cas refuses to learn his lesson wrt them being stronger as a unit rather than doing their own thing and putting themselves and others in unnecessary danger. 

Meanwhile, we have a continuation of Cas just being really sad and heartbroken because not only is Jack dead, but he’s once again unsure about his standing with Dean. He wants to protect his family, he wants to protect Dean, he wants to come back with a win; once more, he goes off on his own to do it and it blows up in his face somehow. As much as I loved Cas getting mad at the end of last season, I get why he’s somewhat subdued again. He has his guilt and grief and doubt to deal with. He doesn’t want to be mad at Dean probably about as much as he doesn’t want Dean to be mad at him. So far I’m not yet seeing the return of the spark we got when Cas was defending Jack last season, but I’m sure Dean walking out rattled him beyond the hurt. I wanna see what else happens to make him leave “in a huff” (a bit of spec on this further down). That said, what I’m most excited about is seeing how Cas gets reintegrated into the family -- pretty sure that’s universal lol.

The juiciest part now, though: I was all about the interplay of distance and care that we saw between them; let’s pause here for a quick sec to appreciate how that same interplay has been such a central part of Dean and Cas’s relationship since always like ugh. So much of the larger plot points in the show have also been situations that kept them from being truly partners as well as being constant interruptions on their ability to USE THEIR FRIGGIN’ WORDS AAAACK. We give Sam a lot of flack, but everything has awful timing in this show. We’ve had moments of honesty and vulnerability, but they’re always always cut short before we actually get somewhere; before they arrive at a place where they can talk about their issues. If the “are you ok” scene isn’t a perfect microcosm of that idk what is  /sigh

So, yeah, the “Are you ok” scene oooh boy. I wasn’t as excited as some of you at this scene being an example that Dean still cared, as that was never a doubt I had in my mind (it was definitely a yes omg just talk jesus moments nevertheless). Dean couldn’t possibly just turn that shit off, no matter how much he thinks he’s done with Cas. Like, please.  What we do have is Dean indulging on his own need to know that Cas is, at least, immediately fine. Triage, if you will. Him walking off before Cas can either elaborate, or, most likely, tell him about Sam, is peak Dean passive-aggressiveness. The meltdown I had in the tags of a gifset of the scene is still relevant:

 #cas's little sigh of idk relief???#like he's so sad and physically fine but he's SO SAD and heartbroken#and here's dean finally not just being cold to him and ASKING ABOUT HIS WELLBEING#look at cas's face in tht second gif my heart#you can see him gd relax too i cant#and dean has his fucking check in during a break in the chaos face#im so mad#jdhakjsdfhklsd#and then dean just.........walks away and doesnt actually debrief or help or none of the things he would do#and cas is just...there all vulnerable and upset right before he clams up at the demon's quip#but it doesnt even last look at his damn face as he leaves IM SO#somebody hug him#skldjfhklsajdfa#he needs a dean hug#but noooo dean is being a jackass#this is awful#im not ok#i hate it when they fight#im over it that's enough drama dabb i take back everything i said about loving pain

I’ll definitely have more thoughts on this once we have whatever emotional payload next week.

All in all, I’m not actually concerned about the future of their relationship. They’ve been through much, they’ll be fine. I am, though, tickled that we’ll see these key problems in their relationship reach a point where they have to be dealt with. Also: I can’t wait for the catharsis that Cas leaving is bound to elicit. Both for us, the viewers, and the characters. Besides, Dean needs to go to a corner and have a think about his behavior and if pushing Cas away is really what he wants. And then maybe finally we can get that sweet sweet resolution of an affirmation about Cas’s place in Dean’s life. And in turn an affirmation that Cas does trust their family unit enough to depend on them. 

I think we got a good set up in this episode leading into whatever drama we get in the coming weeks. The tension was up to 11. Love it. Hate it. Personally, I think the empty deal might be what does sets off Cas walking out. Somehow, the deal is not a secret anymore. We have here another instance of Cas making a super important decision that affects The Family on his own and then keeping it a secret (to protect Sam and Dean, a pattern). Dean can be angry and think Cas is dead to him all he wants, he will blow tf up when he learns about this deal. Sam isn’t gonna be thrilled either, though he’s more likely to make puppy eyes of sadness and Disappointment than yell at Cas. Seriously, though, I can just see Dean saying some bullshit because he’s just so done and here goes Cas potentially dying again, which in turn will probably piss Cas off. Etc etc. Cue the violins. 

                                                               //

tl;dr: if episode 1 is any indication, we’re in for a wild fucking ride, kiddos. hold onto your butts!!! 

[ganymedesclock]

Oh my gosh! I have problems with people being like "why didn't you realise she's your kom, Keith?" too! Please tell me what yours are!

I mean, the big ones boil down to, Keith’s not shown to be especially self-aware? And that’s not “he’s stupid” it’s that, Keith’s sense of self basically comes down to a lot of unspoken agreements that he’s been deprived the resources to actually analyze. He’s really bad at identifying, for example, that his own neglectful self-talk is actually not solid reasoning.

That boils over to, I doubt he thinks about his appearance that much. Yeah, he keeps clean, but, he’s not really going to paint his nails and style his hair, nor, do I think, he really searches for descriptors of his own face.

It ties back to that whole Instinct Paladin thing. Keith focuses on what seems important and he tends to overlook the rest. He’s overlooked major things before, like in s3e2 he doesn’t realize until Pidge points it out that Lance didn’t launch with the rest of them and when Lance says Blue isn’t responding to him, Keith doesn’t question it because c’mon Lance, it’s crunch time we’ve got a planet under attack here.

With Krolia, there’s a lot of things Keith’s gonna focus on. Trugg’s forces getting closer, the weapon, the mission. Especially since Kolivan started this off by making it very clear Keith might be emotionally compromised, so Keith’s gonna try to do everything to not let Kolivan down.

So Keith’s not in a position to really notice or dwell on how much he has in common with Krolia, and there’s a lot of other things that would catch his attention much louder and clearer, which makes it a clear blind spot for him.

And once Krolia starts behaving oddly- surrendering to Trugg, the whole “I left you once” comment, Keith is suspicious. They just don’t have time to talk about it until they get away from the base’s cannons, so they don’t. Keith asking Krolia how she can use that specific luxite blade is not an idle question. This is, “Keith knows something is up with this woman”. 

So that he doesn’t pick it up as soon as he sees her makes sense, but also, he’s not as oblivious as people make him out to be, which sticks in my craw because as I’ve said many times before, Keith reads as very autistic.

Keith’s vlog touches on something that I think is a major frustration virtually never depicted in autistic-coded characters, when he yells about “It doesn’t have to be complicated!” Simply enough- if you’re socially a little slow on the draw, you’re generally not oblivious to it. And as an autistic young adult myself, I can say that if there’s one way to get me mad really fast, it’s when people make an ordeal out of the fact that I can’t identify sarcasm in strangers. I have to get to know people and their sense of humor before I can pick that up.

There is nothing more frustrating or more patronizing than being treated like an ignorant child because there’s something socially you’re missing here. And that’s exactly how Keith reflecting on the chant feels to me- “I don’t get it, I know I don’t get it, I know people aren’t going to explain it because it’s supposed to be obvious, well, it’s not obvious, and they probably think I’m stupid but it doesn’t make sense! I can’t make myself understand it just because I’m clearly expected to just get it on my own!”

So I’m a little naturally sensitive to accusations of Keith being clueless especially because, he’s really not- he tends to over-focus on some factors to the exclusion of others but he does pick up on Krolia once she starts acting suspiciously, there’s just a lot of other more life-or-death concerns on the table at that time.

As far as how he didn’t independently figure out she’s his mom, many people have pointed this out before me, but, referencing the vlog again... Keith has a clear narrative in his mind here. His mother left him because she didn’t want him. In s2e12 he makes it clear that he has very little hope of actually finding his family. The Blade hasn’t told him anything, but he also hasn’t pushed the issue with them at all by the time Kolivan sends him after Krolia. Keith doesn’t even bring up his mother outside of the vlog which took place sometime after s3e2 and before s4e1 (during Keith’s tenure as black paladin).

Keith basically has a cognitive bias of he never means as much to other people as they do to him. He tends to assume that everyone else can just leave him, any time, cut ties with him, and it’ll never affect them, there’s no way they’ll miss him or remember him. And this is a deep-seated sort of feeling; it means that even a sendoff like Keith got in s4e1 doesn’t sink in, it means that Allura literally saying “Keith, we cannot go on without you” is something he dismisses as “a lecture” and not Allura trying to say that she misses him, and putting it in her usual duty-bound decorous sense of wording.

So the last thing Keith would expect of his mother is someone that grieved that loss. And when Krolia’s grief comes to the surface, it comes entirely out of left field. It’s the single most unrestrained show of emotion we get out of her that entire episode and it happens during the middle of a hostage situation.

Krolia is an incredibly tough nut to crack, and while an astute eye going over the scene with a fine-toothed comb will pick up that she’s asking after Keith’s welfare the entire time- “Why did Kolivan risk sending you here now?” it’s also clear that this is not how Keith reads that statement.

Keith assumes that Krolia’s asking Keith what his mission is and responds accordingly. “Because he’s heard about Ranveig’s super weapon. We can’t risk letting it fall into the wrong hands.”

But Krolia knows that Kolivan knows that. She’s the one who gave him that intel. Her question isn’t “why are you trying to extract me now”, her question is “why did Kolivan endanger you by dropping you into a warzone to rescue me?”

But when Krolia actually explains her motivations to Keith, it’s blink-and-you-miss it, and Keith’s basically going to sit there and go “...what... the hell was that?”

Someone with childhood trauma of abandonment who tends to avoid self-reflection because it’s easy to upset himself (again, see vlog) is not going to go through his life actively thinking about that trauma and how it affected him. That kind of processing you’d expect out of Lance, who’s good at emotions- and not Keith who tends to neglect his emotions until they hit critical mass and explode on him.

So Keith’s not thinking about his mother, or about his childhood, he’s thinking about the mission, he’s thinking about the assignment- and then Krolia stands down and drops that on him.

It’s basically like if you were in the middle of a warzone and someone you know is on your side but have otherwise never really interacted with suddenly looks you in the eye, goes “I’m so sorry that I hurt you,” and then immediately moves on with what she was doing.

You aren’t going to immediately make the leap to being abandoned by your mother as a child, especially if, like Keith, you’ve never even really entertained the idea that she might still be alive and want you back beyond vague unenthusiastic noises.

Even if Keith was thinking of his mother, he’d expect her to react to that right away. Again, Keith’s not self-aware enough to look at how he’s hard to read himself and that his mother, who he takes after in many ways and who is on top of that a career spy who’s been doing this longer than he’s been alive, is going to be even harder to read.

Krolia greeted him with “You’re late” seconds after recognizing her own weapon in his hands. Her actual reaction is a momentary glance at the weapon right before she stands down and Keith, if he was paying that much attention to her reaction, would see it only as, she recognizes the blade, she knows he’s her ally.

He’s not gonna think through the fact that she shouldn’t have to look specifically at his sword to recognize him since he’s in full Blade regalia at the time.

It’s easier for us as the audience to pick up these clues because we have the advantage of everything we see is filtered through an effective storytelling medium. For Keith, this is just his life- he doesn’t have camera angles or music and he’s got a lot of things to do other than intently scrutinize Krolia’s features for her emotional reactions and resemblance to him.

But Keith is not indifferent to Krolia at any point after she drops that line. He’s confused, and his outbursts towards her are very interrogative in nature. He’s trying to make sense of why did she just do that, what’s up with her, and Krolia, well...

Her “shut up and trust me” and the immediate need to flee the base probably stopped Keith from questioning further in the heat of the moment- because after that admission of guilt, Krolia goes right back into full business mode and even when she and Keith are alone, Krolia’s shut him out. She’s not even facing him for most of that interaction.

Keith following up with it after they get away from the base isn’t because right then was the first time it occurred to him to ask, because again, his question is rather leading- it boils down to “you know something about this knife, don’t you? More than just what any Blade member would know.”

But he’s still unprepared for the answer, because, again, this is a scenario he had never expected, never thought through, never made plans for. Because again, the thing that Krolia does that gets him suspicious... given how strained she sounds when she tells Keith that she left him, for someone as aloof as Krolia usually presents, that sounds absolutely heartbroken. She abandoned her son- someone that she dearly wanted to be happy- years ago and now here he is and he’s had to grow up without her.

Before she reveals she’s Keith’s mother, she reveals that she grieved the loss of him and her relationship with that grief is a sense of personal guilt. Their separation was her fault.

And that’s a direct suckerpunch to something that’s a pretty deeply-held aspect of Keith’s worldview- that he lost his mother because he wasn’t worth her staying with him.

So when the first thing Krolia says that sets off the alarm in his head is essentially “I’ve missed you terribly” he doesn’t think “mom?” but he knows something’s up with that, and probably right up until he asks Krolia about the blade, that was festering around in his head- what an odd response, he doesn’t know this person, he’s never met her before, what does she mean she left him?

He’s not even going to think of the possibility and then discard it out of the notion of false hope- he’s settled so far into the mentality that he’s destined to be an unloved hermit that again, he’s not looking for his mom. Especially not when Krolia so easily plays the role of an unconcerned operative only focusing on the mission.