#there are question marks by the sexy ones because the idea of sexiness baffles me and I needed that to be conveyed

[technetiumai]

Hello there!

I have been writing, but I’m at work, and finding clips of writing is much more time consuming to do, so I thought I’d show some other stuff.

I drew this map:

It’s not really a whole lot more helpful than the ones on the endpapers, but drawing it was helpful to me. I don’t know if you can even read most of it 😆. I made some assumptions and also just made some stuff up. If there are direct contradictions to canon... I really want to say don’t tell me 😂 because I don’t own white out and I don’t want to redraw it... but, yeah, you should probably tell me. I... want to know...

This is just a zoom in of what we know so that I can draw maps more and less zoomed in of stuff I’ve made up for a fic that we don’t know in canon.

I also made some BINGO cards?  🤷‍♀️

Inspired by a convo on the discord where @boyinjeans posted a few bingo cards that he made, and people were showing what they had on them from the fics they’ve written, then @yeonjunenby said it would be fun to have bingo prompts. And I also thought that would be fun.

But because I’m a giant weirdo I had to do it like how actual bingo cards are, with 15 possible prompts for each column, using a random number generator ro tell me which cards to put each prompts on and where.

I didn’t put nearly as much thought into the actual prompts as I put time into making the cards in the probably unnecessarily difficult way that I did 😅 which in retrospect was probably a silly choice. I didn’t just use Carry On stuff, I used some fanfic/general fic tropes (bed sharing, time loop, fairytale au), maybe a couple things that aren’t common tropes but are things that I like, I can’t remember, and then... yeah, just random Carry On things (Lucy is alive, Simon is good with kids, “Because we match”), some of which were inspired by @boyinjeans ’s cards, although at this point I can’t remember what’s what... definitely cottage-core lesbians was on his though.

Like I said, each card has a unique arrangement (the colors don’t mean anything, it’s mostly just to help me keep track of things); I’ve only made 15 so far, but this is what I’ve been doing while I have a migraine or while I’m just generally too tired to do things that require thought, so I’ll probably make more, even if no one wants one.

I guess maybe I should put a sample one?

(Yeah, definitely several of these were on Basil’s bingo cards)

If anyone wants one, let me know! Obviously, you don’t actually have to use them or anything, they’re just... Here...

Ummmm. That’s all I got!

Thank you @you-remind-me-of-the-babe, @cutestkilla, and @captain-aralias for tagging me!

I’ll maybe be a little bit more brave about tagging and also tag some people who were in the bingo discussion?

@onepintobean, @fatalfangirl, @raenestee, @bazzybelle, @martsonmars, @aristocratic-otter, @bloodiedpixie​, @wellbelesbian​, @forabeatofadrum​, @aroace-genderfluid-sheep​, @artsyunderstudy​

[spnfanficpond]

March Angel Fish Awards

Every month all of you fantastic writers work your asses off to post some truly incredible stories. Our Angel Fish Awards are the way for all of us, as a community of writers and readers, to lift each other up and give praise to those who have captured our attention and deserve a few kind words.

The monthly Angel Fish Awards are peer-nominated, meaning ANYONE IN THE POND CAN NOMINATE ANY POND MEMBER’S FIC. While the Pond was founded to support the Guppies, everyone in this community deserves to be showered with love and feedback, and we hope that by opening this up as a Pond wide system, we’ll be able to share the love as far as it can go.

NOTE: WE’VE BEEN HAVING OCCASIONAL PROBLEMS WITH ASKS GOING MISSING. Please use the Submit button when submitting your nominations and make sure you’re signed into Tumblr or your URL won’t show. (If the form asks for your name and email address, then you’re not signed in.) If you like, you can also send a message to Michelle @mrswhozeewhatsis or Mana @manawhaat to check and make sure we got your submission.

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, HERE ARE MARCH’S ANGEL FISH AWARDS!

Nominated by @wingedcatninja

Static (series) by @peridottea91

peridottea91 is going to single-handedly convert me to like series. I just re-read this gem and had to share it. In another life, she could have been a writer on the show, she’s so good at getting the characterization right for our boys. This OC, too, is an intiguing, layered personality that adds an extra dimension of mystery. And the whole story is perfectly woven in with canon. Two thumbs up. A must read.

Wish (oneshot) by @thoughtslikeaminefield

It’s just a drabble, but it made me feel so many things in so few words. I don’t even know what to say about it, other than it’s brilliant and if you love Dean Winchester, you have to read it.

Bad Medicine (oneshot) by @deanwandamons

This was lovely, and hot, and it made me giggle. 

Nominated by @risingphoenix761

Because You’re Worth It (oneshot) by @thoughtslikeaminefield

I love a good crack fic, and I love some good Samwena content, so this is right up my alley. And a great mix of funny and fluffy! 

Kings Don’t Kneel (oneshot) by @slytherkins

Few things in fic give me as much joy as Tara writing Crowley, and she hits all my favorite spots in under a thousand words. Struggling with emotion is hard enough for an unfeeling demon, but grief and loss–and the pain of knowing those emotions are unacknowledged–are enough to bring anyone to their knees. Beautiful and succinct, and all the angst!

Nominated by @peridottea91

Heaven (oneshot) by @evansrogerskitten

This fic is so beautifully written and just really captures Dean’s personality while still smacking you in the face with the most amazing “and then I saw her” moment!! Best still my heart!!! And the whole SamxEileen subplot!! The whole fic is just *chef’s kiss*

Nominated by @impala-dreamer

The Sun (oneshot) by @crashdevlin 

It’s just amazingly beautiful. Short, sweet, and full of wonderful emotion. I loved every single word.

Nominated by anonymous

Dive In With Me (oneshot) by @sp-oops

This was a gorgeous, genuine account of the reader and Sam finally, FINALLY crossing that hurtle.

Coming Home (oneshot) by @there-must-be-a-lock

Lou builds us a story with such detail and precise ache that we forget to breathe. She teaches Dean, repeatedly, that he deserves to be happy.

Shackled (series) by @itmighthavebeenintentional

Val started her Demon!Dean x OFC series like a building storm. Miriam Bard is a fellow hunter, another older sibling with more internal demons than she cares to name. Sam calls her in on an old favor. Before long she doesn’t know if anything is real or who she can trust. Dark fic, so good!

Shattered Breaths (oneshot) by @dontshootmespence

Nicole dove deep for this kink bingo fill, and it is well worth every word. See how the Omega reader learns to trust the Winchesters and just what it takes for them to give up protecting themselves and lean into possibility.

Nominated by @the-girl-who-runs-with-winchesters

Devil May Care (oneshot) by @becs-bunker

This was such an interesting plot idea and amazing storytelling. Not that I had expected anything less from this talented author, of course.

Rough Ride (oneshot) by @luci-in-trenchcoats

A fun quick and very heated oneshot that made me smile at the end :)

All About Lovin’ You (oneshot) by @deanwanddamons

You know me, I can never let a month pass without diving into some angst, nor can I resist praising a fellow guppy for their amazing work. And this one’s got both! I got sucked in right from the start. It goes from heartbreaking to heartwarming, and from hot right back to sweet.

It’s About Time (oneshot) by @sorenmarie87

I randomly came across this one and it made me smile so much. Probably one of the most inventive ways to play matchmaker that I’ve heard so far.

Nominated by @dontshootmespence

For Better or For Worst (series) by @stusbunker

She does intrigue like no one else and doesn’t get the love she deserves!

Marked (series) by @there-must-be-a-lock

This is so fucking vivid it's ridiculous. There's smut, there's angst, there's sweetness and it's all maddeningly good.

Nominated by @negans-lucille-tblr

Desire (onsehot) by @princessmisery666

This fic is the very definition of smangst and I loved every second of it. The fact Stacey claims she can’t write smut baffles me when I read this fic 😍

Dirty Little Secret (series) by @pink1031

Whenever I’m asked what my all time favourite fic is it’s this one. I didn’t read rpf before this but it pulled me in and I’m so glad it did! It was just incredible and gave me my obsession with the idea of dating J2.

Nominated by @lovetusk

Me Likey & We are real (oneshots) by @impala-dreamer 

They were both fantastic and on point. Drunk Dean is a rare and beautiful sight, and there’s nothing I love more than comforting a down and out Sammy. Well done.

Nominated by @impalaimagining

Currently Thinking About Jensen... (oneshot) by @negans-lucille-tblr

This is such a short and effective little piece of smut. The way it teeters on the edge of absolutely and filthily inappropriate puts it on a whole new level of dirty. I am a huge fan of last-line punches to the face no matter what the genre is, and that’s exactly what this is. It leaves you begging for more in the most desperate way. It’s a quick read but it gets the job done.

Midnight Confessions (oneshot) by @katymacsupernatural

I love the way this fic has the reader second guessing herself even though she has no recollection of doing anything to upset the guys. I’m always here for an appearance from Sam to push his stubborn brother and their bunkmate in the right direction. Admittedly, I am a sleep-talker, and I’ve said my fair share of embarrassing things (including yelling at my husband about wanting a grilled cheese at 3am), but if I could just once have something I said in my sleep get me a kiss from Dean Winchester? Hell yes. 

Nominated by @deanwinchesterswitch

Coming Home (oneshot) by @there-must-be-a-lock

This is a beautiful heart wrenching story showcasing Dean’s desire for love and need affection and how few times he actually receives it. Denying himself of what he needs, until he doesn’t.

Unspoken (oneshot) by @deanscherrypie

A wonderful little drabble about how Dean lets you know he loves you without saying anything at all. Such a beautiful line… “All his broken pieces matched yours with mosaic complexity, and somehow you found a new kind of home within each other.”

Don’t Need An Excuse (oneshot) by @amanda-teaches

A beautifully crafted story from Dean’s POV about his girl and the tender loving moments in time that couples share. And, damn that ending, my poor heart.

Nominated by @there-must-be-a-lock

Anything And Everything (oneshot) by @rockhoochie

This fic honestly just took my breath away. You can feel the longing and wistfulness, and the writing is superb. There’s so much depth and detail here, it feels real and vibrant and lived-in, in a way that very few fics do. AND I love she writes Dean’s POV.

He Is, Therefore I am (oneshot) by @stusbunker

All I can say about this one is BROTHERS BEING BROTHERS. It's totally stream-of-consciousness, and it really does feel like you're in their heads.

Leaving Heaven (series) by @thoughtslikeaminefield

Such a badass, snarky narrator with a distinctive voice, and her Demon Dean is dark and awful and sexy as hell, and there's so much depth and nuance in their interactions.

Golden Hour (oneshot) by @fangirlxwritesx67

It's straight-up wish fulfillment, fluffy comforting goodness, and I think everybody needs a little bit of that in their lives right now.

Nominated by @princessmisery666

The Question (oneshot) by @girl-next-door-writes

Death by fluff and it was so worth it !! This was perfect, of course Sam has some grand plan to propose and of course it doesn’t go to plan but ended up perfect anyway!! Was fun and sweet, loved it!!

Carry On (oneshot) by @kittenofdoomage

I love Rhi. I swear everything she writes, even AU’s, could be canon!! Characterizations are always on point, stories are engaging and make me feel something every time. This one is no exception. If I could I would send it to the writers to show them this is how the show should end!!

Kings Don’t Kneel (oneshot) by @slytherkins

A small drabble from Tara and as always it gave me all the feels. It could be canon, if anyone asks me I will tell them this is exactly how Crowley felt. This made me sad and I totally wanted to hug Crowley and tell him it would all be okay. 

Nominated by @thoughtslikeaminefield

Cocky (oneshot) by @stusbunker  

Sexy, fun, and real. I love your Dean, Stuie!

Golden Hour (oneshot) by @fangirlxwritesx67  

Comforting and cozy and swoony!

Nominated by @littlehotmess26

Until The Day I Die Again (oneshot) by @fictionalabyss

Mel writes Dean x Benny amazingly and this fic is one of my favorites. 

Happy Birthday, Baby (oneshot) by @fictionalabyss 

This was a birthday gift to me and it was soo good. Mel did a great job. 

This Isn’t One Of Mine (oneshot) by @sorenmarie87  

Dawn stepped out of her comfort zone for this one and it turned out phenomenal.

Goodbye, Sweetheart (oneshot) by @sorenmarie87 

This fic is heartbreaking and I absolutely love it.

Nominated by @kate-huntington

While You Sleep (oneshot) by @foreverwayward

A heartwarming little fic about Dean living the domesticated life we all wish for him. The writer has a very clever way of storytelling and the end might come as a surprise, only adding to the emotion it already brought along. 

Findings (seires) by @kathaswings 

 This is one of my favorite series out there and I revisited it recently. The overall story arc is a mystery I just had to unravel and I couldn’t put it down if I wanted to. The bond between Dean and Mackenzie is so precious. Writing a child isn’t easy. I’ve read plenty of books and seen plenty of films in which the maturity that was added wasn’t natural, but this author handles the Mac’s dialogue amazingly well. What’s also interesting is the jumps from point of view between Dean and Y/N, giving very personal perspectives on the gripping story.

Heartbeats (oneshot) by @there-must-be-a-lock

I’ll start by saying that I don’t ship Dean and Cas together, but I do appreciate the people who do. What this little piece of art does is incredible, however, because while I was reading, I found myself rooting for them. The writer does a great job by using the literal human heart as a backbone of this story. Intriguing and very well executed.

Everything That’s Yet To Come (oneshot) by @fictionalabyss

The author took me by the hand through this moving little one shot, which feels like a collection of greatest hits and wishes come true. It offers peace and closure not only for the older Winchester brother, but for the reader as well. Beautiful piece of writing.

Take A Drunk Girl Home (oneshot) by @amanda-teaches

Dean taking care of others; it’s his nature and shows what a kind soul he truly is. The situation sketched here is no exception, and it’s softer than one can imagine. The pace is steady and the balance between fluff and comedy is just right. A lovely read.

The Demon Inside Of You (oneshot) by @foreverwayward

Curing Dean from the demon that he has become proves to be difficult when he’s so hard to resist. What else is hard to resist, is this beautiful pitch black one shot. I don’t read Demon!Dean fiction often, because it still feels foreign to see the character that I love so much turn into something so evil. This however, is so gripping and well written, that the darkness swallows up the beholder. Rough, hot, sad, narcissistic, all these ingredients packed up in one hell of a story.

Curves And Edges (oneshot) by @kittenofdoomage

This equally sweet, sexy, funny and sad story is a big shout out to all women who think they don’t meet the beauty standards and feel like they will never be good enough to get noticed. It is one thing to replace a name with Y/N and call it a reader’s insert; it’s a gift to make every person reading this feel like they are the character in this story. The author handles every woman’s insecurities with grace, making her words both relatable and soothing. Her spot on version of Dean reminds us that we are beautiful, desired and unique.

Watch Your Fcking Mouth (oneshot) by @impala-dreamer

Dean falls under a frustrating curse, and it’s the most fun I’ve had in a long time. I was wheezing, couldn’t breathe and died laughing. It’s astonishing how the writer can juggle comedy and sex without the two ruling each other out. An uplifting read.

Life For Rent (series) by @winchest09

Conspiracies, deceit, crime. A strong family bond, blossoming love, oh, not to mention the sex. This series is intriguing beyond imagination and certainly not just another mobster fanfiction. The writing is smart and I could tell from the first paragraph that it’s loaded with hints and foreshadowing, but I couldn’t pick them out. This triggers a curiosity like an itch I can’t quite scratch away until I finish reading this story. And so I wait eagerly and drop everything the second a new chapter comes out. An absolute must read!  

When You Least Expect It (series) by @coffee-obsessed-writer

Talking about an epic love story, but it’s so much more than that. The music that plays such an important factor, the setting that is Seaside. The fabulous supporting characters Bri, Rob, Jason and Jared, the wardrobe, not to mention the wonderful little gems and details that this author weaved into the story, showing how much love she has put into it. This is without a shadow of a doubt my favorite RPF I’ve come across.

Nominated by @girl-with-a-fandom-fettish

The Unexpected (oneshot) by @impalaimagining

The desperation and neediness between characters is just…I can almost feel through the screen. And the gif at the top of the post is the closest thing to porn Tumblr allows now is HOT.

Criminal Love (series) by @kalesrebellion

This mob fic has a lot of things going for it: mob!Dean, big brother Benny (which I didn’t know I needed in my life, but apparently I do), mystery, and a unique way of incorporating a lot of familiar faces from the SPN world. It’s 6 chapters in and I am DYING to see what happens next because the last chapter left me shook!

Unplanned Parenthood (oneshot) by @erins-culinary-service

This fic makes me long for more canon dad!Dean because he’s just so good at it and it feels like it would fit in so well. The author nailed the family vibes and I love that she found a way to make it canon plausible (something I just can’t seem to grasp in my own writing); well done, doll.

Changes (series) by @katehuntington

This fic is super unique as it is like a series rewrite, but rather than using “Pilot, Wendigo, Dead in the Water” etc., Kate is writing her own episodes! Episode 1 just wrapped up, with my personal favorite being part 10 because the characterization of both Winchester brothers felt so spot on to me. Zoe, the amazing OFC and star of this fic, might be the coolest person ever and I wish she was my best friend. Heads up though, this is not your CW Supernatural; it’s darker, dirtier, and probably a lot closer to what the Winchesters’ lives are actually like.

Nominated by @mrswhozeewhatsis

The Man on the Side of the Road (seires) by @supernatural-jackles

This is a seriously awesome Dean AU fic! Both Dean and the reader have so much baggage, but they’re working together to fix each other and it’s just BEAUTIFUL. It’s a series, and I can’t wait to see how it ends!!!

Nominated by @emoryhemsworth

Never Alone Again (oneshot) by @dissect-me 

This author was kind enough to take the time to write about a recent trauma I discovered happened to me as a child and how Dean would react/comfort me. It’s powerful and really helped me. ❤️

Nominated by @fangirlxwritesx67

Laissez Les Bons Temp Rouler (oneshot) by @thoughtslikeaminefield

M is the kind of author that is the reason you have the “four recs per author” rule because otherwise I would just be submitting her entire masterlist every month. For a talent like MJ, all it takes is a photo to spark an entire story. This photo of Jensen was particularly inspiring, and MJ did it justice. Hot, drunk, sexy, just UGH.

Where Is My Shiny Gun (oneshot) by thoughtslikeaminefield

Do you love Dean? Do you love Donna? Do you love Sam? Does your mouth water and your knees go weak just a little thinking about all 3 of them together? Do you need some generous, consensual, sunshiney, smutty love? Then check this out.

Leaving Heaven (series) by thoughtslikeaminefield

Demon Dean meets his match in the most compelling OFC I’ve ever read, bounty hunter Tazi. Where to start with this series? MJ works some of her best magic yet, seamlessly weaving the story into the show we know so well. Her Dean is brilliant, as always, every supporting character spot on. The action is tight, the murder wrenching, the sex smoking. And as good as it is, as perfect as Dean and Sam are, as impatient I am for every chapter .. I would read it all just for Tazi. Tazi is an OFC worthy of novelization: tough, sarcastic, sexy, and fully realized. She’s so beautiful and broken that you can’t help falling in love with her as you read. If I could ask everyone to read just one SPN FF ever, it would be this one.

Three Bad Ideas (series) by @there-must-be-a-lock​

She’s just getting started on her Everything prequels but, by every indicator they will be JUST as filthy as the original, with even more emotional depth and character development. Frankly it’s HOT and heartbreaking and her voice for Jared is so, so good, and so is Jensen, and I’m just all over this love story. I screamed at her when she published, that if I didn’t know what came next, I would be HEARATBROKENED (that’s how excited I got, that I forgot how to speak.)

Ocean Eyes (oneshot) by @there-must-be-a-lock

The ocean is my Happy Place and I’m a sucker for Sam so this fic just hit all my sweet spots. A lot of us are looking for comfort fics right now and this is uniquely heartwarming.

Shackled (series) by @itmighthavebeenintentional

I KNOW this was nominated last month but there are more chapters and it just keeps getting better! For every question that the story answers, it asks two more. Also, it’s started getting smutty and whoooooooo boy.

Anything And Everything (oneshot) by @rockhoochie

I don’t even remember why this lovely lady was asking for prompts but I sent one that I think was, listening to records, first kiss. I had long since forgotten when she dropped this 8K word MASTERPIECE on all of us. 

It’s such a sweet in-character Dean, but a relaxed side of Dean that he deserves and we don’t really get to see. It’s soft and sensual and just… you can feel it while you read.

Nominated by @manawhaat

Sex Ed (oneshot) by @cleighwrites

This is a type of wincest I’m not sure I’ve experienced before, but I can say without a doubt that I fucking love it! It’s your classic little brother Sammy looking up to Dean. It’s the show. It’s their relationship to a T, but with that little bit of helplessness that makes Sam feel like such a fucking kid! I don’t even know if my normal wincest loving self would call this actual Wincest, but wherever it falls on the radar, it’s wonderful!

Passion (oneshot) by @bohowitch

This is poetry in motion, just like Sam is. This is a beautiful, firery, perfect ode to all that is Sam Winchester!

Neptune Rising (oneshot) by @atc74

This is such a clever and refreshing AU! I don’t think I’ve ever read one like this and both characters are nuanced in such believable ways. It’s not too long, so you should definitely take a sec to check it out!

Shackled (series) by @itmighthavebeenintentional

What can I say about this series other than HOLY FUCK!! It’s got twists and turns and secrets and guilt and worry and drama and excitement and passion and fucking everything you want in a good, juicy, keep you on the edge of your seat kind of story!

There’s a feral brutality to the way she portrays Demon!Dean in this that is actually scary and makes me nervous in real life. I find myself looking around the room when I read this, pulling my feet in from off the side of the couch as if this version of Deanmon is gonna snatch me up if I’m not careful. It’s intense and SO. DAMN. COMPELLING. And it’s not even a fucking reader insert. I find myself worrying about Miriam (the ofc) at random parts of the day long after I’ve finished reading the latest chapters...

This series is a fucking MUST READ!

Celibacy, Interrupted (oneshot) by @thoughtslikeaminefield

Any fic with Jody x a Winchester is my jam, but this one is like, no bullshit, just fantastic interaction and sultry, perfect ‘smut’. Goddamn. This leaves me in a pile of goo not even for myself, but FOR JODY!

Let Go (oneshot) by @luci-in-trenchcoats

So bdsm seems to have been a theme in my life for the past month and I don’t know why, but this fucking fits the bill. I recently dodged a bullet with a ‘dom’ (read: a bossy guy who wanted nudes who ignored care and consent) and this fic is like, the complete opposite of what I experienced. I’ve read and done research and talked to enough people to know what real bdsm looks like and that saved me, and this fic only reinforces that proper bdsm lifestyle.

It’s gentle yet firm, and it forces you to let go of control even when you feel like you HAVE to hold onto it. That force caught me off guard when I read it, but it makes so much sense, and every aspect of this really, truly is well thought out and spot on, good, caring bdsm. If you’re interested in it, this is a great place to start your reading and research!

When 2 Is Better Than 1 (oneshot) by @wi-deangirl77

Not only is the smut fucking glorious in this, but Ketch’s gentle nature is 100% what makes this for me! I’m not used to reading him as gentle or caring and having him work with Dean in this to help the reader, not to fill his own needs, but truly coming at it from a place of care and worry, melts me into a pile of gooey feels.

Thank you all for the awesome work and great feedback!

These are not actual awards! This system is set up so everyone in the pond has a chance to share the love and promote a fic/author that has grabbed your attention. The more people that participate, and the more everyone remembers to submit their own fics after posting, the better this will be :D

THANK YOU ALL AGAIN, KEEP UP THE AMAZING WORK, AND AS ALWAYS, HAPPY WRITING!

[shesawriter39049]

|THE PLUG|M|JIMIN|21QS|

SUMMARY: Jimin's your "Plug" whose low key kinda becoming your man... so the two of you decide to play a deep yet equally cheeky game of 21 questions in an attempt to get to  know each other deeper than JUST sex!

SMUT/ANGST/ FLUFF

PART 1 OF 3

They’ve both been through some shit, and I think secretly they could always sense that, which is part of why they're drawn to each other.

They're also still coming down from there “Post sex euphoria” so everything's a little hazy

Jimin’s just fuckin perfect….and he can’t keep his hands off the OC to save his life, so there is a lot of kissing and touching mixed in!

Jimin does not have the typical gang-related backstory..so your in for a treat

5K- ISH

You CAN read this as a stand-alone but “The Plug” is a series

NON-SEXUAL WARNINGS: Language, Mentions of abuse, drugs, mental illness, death, violence, coming from a broken home....

SEXUAL WARNINGS: Just a lot of touching, kissing, teasing, light dirty talk,mentions of kinks ...implied smut...it’s gonna end with some actual smut though lol

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

“ I cannot believe you really won't share your Slurpee with me, after I stood there, mixed your 29 thousand flavors. Strategically layered in your random ass gummy candies in the processes..mixed it so damn well you would've thought I was a certified mixologist! Yet you won't share?!”  Both brows completely furrowed in the middle of his face...

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that he was genuinely offended or the level of unbothered that danced along your face as you laced your lips around your straw! Accompanied by an almost possessive hold on your cup, from under the over-sized fabric of your hoodie, well Jimin's hoodie actually! You were gripping that cup for dear life, the more he talked!

"Ugh exactly, you had the opportunity to make your own..you didn't…” Shrugging nonchalantly unbothered actually wasn’t even a strong enough word to describe you right now! “I'mma teach you something real quick Y/N is an only child...I don't share.."  

A snort leaving his lips at that "Fuckin brat.." This man sounds far too fond for you to even be offended.

 The minute the two of you approached the light he gripped you by the front of your hoodie. Effortlessly licking his way through your mouth with a low groan that almost sounds impatient. I guess he decided if you wouldn’t actually share..he'd taste it one way or another. A slight moan leaving your lips as you recline your jaw giving him more room to explore your mouth.  I think Jimin's new goal when kissing you was to leave you completely and utterly breathless. The slow, yet skilled languid roll of his tongue against your own, it’s crazy how well he knows your body already! Then, like clockwork, once he has you damn near clawing at his shirt to pull him closer…..

 "Traffic lights are around 120 seconds by the way..." Pulling back with an amused smirk just as the light turned green...you actually wanna choke him out at this point!  

FIRST OFF, I don't think you've ever seen someone look so effortlessly sexy as they drove, posture laxed, seat reclined. One hand on the wheel the other gently stroking your bare thigh, hair slightly wavy, messily tousled out of his face. The angle also reminded you how disrespectfully sharp this man’s jawline is...then your eyes traveled down to his sinfully thick neck, and that's when your first question popped into mind.

(1)“Why do you like to be marked?” The words zipped through the air, thankful that your first question seemed to pop into your head naturally! You didn't want this to feel forced...you just wanted the two of you to almost flow off of each other...

A slow exhale left his chest, reaching over to turn down the radio, licking his lips “I thought we were saving all sexual questions for last? " Brow quirked in your direction as he glanced over briefly, just enough for you to be reminded that Jimin was fine as fuck.

"We are...but I don't think your reasons purely sexual..." Adjusting your posture so you were almost laying on your side. Gazing over at him a little too fondly for your liking ...but you couldn't help it...

You could already see the smirk playing on his face even though he wasn't looking at you "It's not that I like to be marked...I just like to be marked by you…” Turning his head just enough to catch your expression as he said what you kind of already knew. Still, you can’t help but find yourself repeatedly baffled by how straightforward this man was. Throat feeling dry as all hell, regardless of the fact that you’re currently inhaling your Slurpee as we speak! “And your right… I've grown to realize ..the reason stems deeper than just my dick getting hard every time you do it …though...that’s diffidently a plus”

Humming low around the straw, you’re all ears…and if you didn't know any better the man next to you may have been blushing!

”Do you remember what color lipstick you had on the first time we met?” Eyes going completely wide at the question, mind drawing straight blanks because what!? The lack of response triggered a low chuckle to rumbled in his chest. “I do,it was a deep red..almost burgundy actually...”

The fact that he even remembered that, you’d be lucky if an ex remembered your damn birthday nevertheless a lipstick hue....

”We were both drunk as hell, but I’ll fast forward because I have another question for you separately in regards to that night in general…”

Already well aware of what he was getting at, whelp, the chances of you getting through this without crying are completely out the window now!

“When we were making out, and dancing all over each other in the club, you ended up kissing me every damn where..one place, in particular, was my neck. Which is common” Shrugging slightly, pausing to temporally focus on the road as thee was someone in front of you going negative two!, So Jimin opted to swerve lanes. 

“I didn't even notice until the morning but when I woke up it was like...I still had little memories of you crawling all over my skin. I couldn’t get you outta my head even if I wanted too....” Now theirs no hiding it, he, is blushing and it has your toe curling. 

“ Then...months later when I came over for the delivery, and we ended up actually having sex, the first thing you did when I slid you onto my lap was latch onto my neck like it was yours! As if to mark your territory.” Turning his head to yours lightly a slight smirk before bringing his attention back to the road. “Of course sexually it felt amazing because I like pain, and you went, in..fuck” A slight moan fell off his lips as he released the moment, and suddenly you really wanted to straddle his lap again. 

“...Then the next morning even though you were gone..you really weren’t, every time I looked at my shoulder, or my neck...it was like I could  feel every second of that night, over and over again....” Suddenly Jimin went from just rubbing your thigh to kneading them between those skilled fingers of his....edging higher and higher. 

Fuck.

“ I was never one for hickeys or bite marks, not because I think it’s trashy or anything clearly I'm not one to judge. But because I never liked someone leaving their mark on me. I didn't like the idea of someone looking at me and knowing someone’s had me..that someone left a piece of themselves on my skin...until you…”

There was a slight pause that felt like it lasted for HOURS, why did you wanna do this again!?  This was only the first question and you felt light headed!

“For some reason I just really liked the idea of having you on my skin, of knowing you were there and that spot it just as much yours as it is mine…” Sinking his teeth into his bottom lip trying to hide the very timid almost bashful smile that moved up his face “I don't know...even from jump there was just always something very intimate about that..with you… Something that’s stemmed a little deeper than just a pain kink..”

Fuckkkk, your face was hot, your entire body was hot, and not even in a sexual way...just ...damn, Jimin just flat out admitted he likes the idea of almost “belonging to you” in the most primal sense of the word! You know he’s very open, not one for games which is refreshing to a the least but that doesn't make his bluntness any less dizzying!

Your eyes screamed how flustered you were, as you gazed up at him, not even sure how to respond to that, but before you even had a chance too…..

(2)“Why do you sub for me...effortlessly....beautifully actually...when your clearly not a sub by nature?” His pause was intentional...trying to read your body language a little. 

“ And yes, in the same notion...I’m pretty sure your reasons not purely sexual either baby…” Continuously rubbing soothing circles in your thigh as you slouched down in your seat even more….it was like he knew he was probing at a sensitive topic even before he gauged your reaction. 

“Well, ugh..fuck” A shaky breath fluttered through your chest and you can’t help but chuckle at how awkward you currently feel...Believe it or not, you actually didn't see this one coming/ However this was your idea, he didn't hold back so neither were you!

“I’ve always felt the need to have control in my life which isn’t necessarily a bad thing but sometimes it’s exhausting to be real. Honestly, it’s because I’ve been let down a lot, so I find it hard to just...let go...” It’s actually a little sad how nonchalant those words left your lips, as if you aren’t even phased by disappointment anymore!

The slow nod he gave as you spoke was comforting, almost as if to say he kinda already figured that played a major part in your sexual preferences.  Your issues with being in “control” trusting people…his coloration also shows that both of you were actually very much in tune with one another ..more than just sexually! Even if you’d never realized it until now.

“So ya know the saying…”if you want something done right, ya gotta do it yourself…” I guess I applied that to my sex life as well!  I’ve always wanted to be able to just lay there, and let my partner have free reign and control over my body ...” 

A pregnant pause fluttered through the air and it wasn’t at all intentional ..for some reason you felt felt..nervous...being this open and honest and he could tell right away…

“Take your time, it’s just you, me and the highway for another 30 miles baby...I got nothin but time…”

Clearing your throat before continuing, voice a little shakier this time around, “I’ve always wanted to be able to give someone full control and still be comfortable and confident enough, that I didn’t have to be in control to get what I need. Of course, shit like that doesn’t flow well in one night stands, because you don’t have time to get to know one another. So I am speaking in the instances of a reoccurring partner, somebody that could take over and I  could still be purely satisfied because in case you can’t tell I’m not one to fake a damn thing…” An airy chuckle fluttered into the air breaking up the tension a little.

“Up until I met you I never felt like I could just kind of “be”...in the moment ya know? Not think about a damn thing...or HAVE to give instruction to feel like my needs would be fulfilled.”

The cool breeze wisping through the car was a good filler..as you stumbled through your thoughts.. The slight hum from the wind silenced any awkwardness that tried to linger in the air.

“I don’t know how to explain it..my mind and body was just naturally at ease with you...I just felt safe....which is odd because I didn't really know you. Yet for some reason I could just tell..that in “that” moment..when we were tangled up doing whatever..I didn't have to worry or think..I could just close my eyes and feel. Have a little escape from reality..live in a world where someone else was in control and it wouldn’t all go to shit! I don’t know...It probably sounds supid but-” Flagging your hand in the air almost as if to disregard your entire statement.

“What??!” Turning his head so his eyes could meet your briefly, he actually looked offended, to be honest, “Nothing about that was stupid, Y/N thats what sex is...it’s pleasure but it’s also an escape...it’s meant to make you feel good..to relive your body of all it’s stress and bullshit! There’s nothing wrong with you just wanting to...be in the moment, and just let yourself be used in any way you want…anyway you need” His entire delivery changed within seconds your thighs were instantly humming, as Jimin’s bedroom voice slid through the air.

The circles he was tracing up your thigh with his fingers..started edging higher and higher up your leg “Aye..” Pausing until you made eye contact with him, “Do you know how sexy that is!? How damn good that makes me feel?” I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again...this man’s voice...just the right about of need laced through his tone. Just enough to make you wanna give him whatever the hell he wanted! 

“To know that I can be that for you..that you trust me enough when I’m wrapped around you to just do whatever the fuck I want? Be the one to give you everything you need.... and then some….”  There was just the perfect blend of genuine care, appreciation, and of course pure, PURE smugness that moved between his tone and his face. Ya know what!? You couldn't even be mad because dammit he deserved it!

“I mean...there’s a reason I keep comin right??” Brow quirked at the blatant innuendo laced within that…. Biting down on your bottom lip tentatively as you pondered how to transition to this next question. Placing your hand over his..intertwining his fingers with yours instantly….

A humm leaving his lips at that, kissing the back of your hand...

(3) “Ummm...hopefully this isn’t too personal but you were the one that brought it up earlier so of course I’m curious. What’s the deal with your family, you don’t have to share more than you’re ready to but I am just- “

“My dad’s a total piece of shit” Was the first thing that slipped past his lips more casual than expected….. Your lips forming the “O” shape...as you stared back at him...not sure how to process that actually…

“He was barely around, and very, very abusive... “ The emphasis on that had your stomach doing 386373 knots “I’m first-generation Korean -American...so both of my parents are Korean born with very thick accents, they struggled with jobs. My sperm donor did manual labor and my mother often cleaned houses ..and or waitressed.” The grip on he held on your hand only got tighter the more he spoke.

“When I was 15, my father left for 5 months, so my older brother and I both got jobs to help support my mom. Luckily the house was paid off so we didn't have many bills..but my mom fell into a very..very deep stage of depression ...” Bringing his hand up to your mouth..kissing it gently which made him smile a little. Even though it was clear he was letting himself fall back into that headspace..almost as if he were reliving it all over again...

“ She was one of those women that I think... felt like she needed validation from my father and felt as though there was something wrong with her because HE couldn't pull his shit together.  One night I got a call at work, my “dad” had beat my mom to the point of her almost going unconscious…” You could literally hear the lump in his throat at that..slowly running your thumb over his palm….repeatedly. Dusting your lips over the back of his hand...as you watched his jaw, and grip on the steering wheel tighten.

“She cried to me and my brother, that she couldn't afford to leave him...I had saved up some money...from working at a bowling alley...and at multiple little mom and pop restaurants. We moved her into a trailer...so she could have freedom! It was low income the rent wasn't shit! She went back to waitressing...shit was cool for hell I don't know maybe 2 months! Then I come home one night after working a double at fucking 16 years old..and all his shit is moved back in...”

You had a gut feeling this was going one of two ways...neither were the most warming

“We got into it..bad… real bad…” Eyes cutting over to yours briefly and they were almost pitch black “I beat the fuck outta  him, and I still don’t regret it, he’s lucky I didint kill his ass. He’s probably the only person I could kill with my bare hands and have no regrets…” It was utterly terrifying how calm he got when he said that, no emotion left to be read on his skin..yet you got it...you really really did. Not even able to fathom how he must’ve felt seeing his mother like that!

“I told her I was done! I can’t and I won’t fuckin do this...so it’s him...orrr me…” Eyes glancing over to meet yours again, a dry scoff leaving his chest…

Not even trying to hide the hurt laced within your eyes, as you gazed back at him like a sad puppy, you weren’t trying to pitty him but fuck!  How can you not after hearing that!? 

“Yuppp, cops were called so I dipped...at 16...I went back days later to get my shit..and when I realized nothing changed..my mind was made up! I’ve tried over the years to smooth it out but...nah….Nah…” Shaking his head in disgust at just the thought of it..there was so much more..you wanted to unwarp from that. But you didn't wanna  pry...this was about the two of you sharing what you felt comfortable sharing...nothing more nothing less

A deep slow exhale left his body as he slipped his hand away from yours..the pout more than evident as you lost his warmth. Reaching over to grab a joint, placing it between those dangerously plump lips of his. Lighting the tip with him even asking you to ...taking a long drag inhaling the smoke through his lips, blowing it all out of his nostrils…

“I’m sorry..” slipped past your lips before you even had a chance to think about it...a faint smile tugging on his lips, shaking his head disapprovingly at your choice of words

“No need to be sorry, I wouldn’t be me if that shit wouldn't have happened ...I've learned not to question my battles..”  Placing the joint back between his lips, you could see it in his eyes he was thinking of his neck question.

‘Well since you got me all in my feels, before we get a little light-hearted...I mideswell ask the question I implied about earlier…” Cocking his head to the side, blowing a cloud of smoke in your direction as you waited anxiously for the words to spill off his lips.

(4) “Why were you falling apart outside of Johnnys the night I first met you??? What had you so broken that you were crying alone behind your car?” His tone and his eyes got extremely soft as the question rolled off his tongue..leaning over slightly welcoming the joint between your lips before responding because fuck if you didn’t need it right about now…

Letting the smoke just fill your lungs before you reclined your neck...puffing out a cloud...eyes fluttering shut in the process “It was my dad's birthday...and he died when I was 20...during my junior year of college.”

You watched Jimin's eyes flutter close briefly, dropping his head a little as you two approached the traffic light. I  think he was hoping for something more along the lines of “My ex dumped or cheated on me” Not something this heavy…

“Y/N...baby I’m sorry I didn't think it was anything like that, if you don’t wanna-”

“Hey…” Gripping his chin slightly ‘I told you I wanted us to get to know each other...If I can let you come in me I can open up a little….” A nervous chuckle fell from your lips before pulling him in for a quick kiss..which wasn't so quick. “Come’re”  Pressing down hard on the breaks, using his opposite hand that was on the wheel to grab you by the back of your neck. Tongue toying around with yours almost teasingly because he didn't have time for much else. Luckily for the two of you no cars were on the road this time of night, moaning against his tongue at just the taste of him. His palms warm against your skin..already had your body at ease, little did he know how fucked this entire scenario really was. But at this moment, you were calm...heart rate slowing down with every languid roll off his tongue.

Stroking your cheek with his thumb as he pulled back tentatively it was written all over his face he didn’t wanna let you go…”You are.so.damn.beautiful...fuckk…” He almost sounded breathless as he gazed back at you, not even trying to hide the smile that stretched from ear to ear.

“ I’m really happy you choose to be my rider tonightt...that were getting to do...”this”..that I’m getting to explore your mind in the same way I do your body....”” Was it nessicary for him to be this smooth??! Just curious...Biting down on that plush bottom lip of his before leaning over to place one more kiss along your lips. Forcing himself to bring his focus back to the road.

“Me too” fell from yours in nothing more than a whisper as you got readjusted in your seat, you weren't sure if  the two of you were still in post-coital bliss or what! But this vibe was such a mood and you never wanted it to end! Placing the joint in the hand that was gripping the wheel so he could reconnect his fingers with yours.

“I grew up a daddy’s girl my mother actually had some mental issues that only got worse with age! She refused to get help so for my safety, my dad got soul custody. It was bad...like sneak in my room and try and kidnap me bad …”  You couldn't help but laugh at Jimin’s expression as his eyes damn near bugged out of their sockets...that's typically the way most people react...and or ask you when your “LifeTime” special was coming out!

“My father had a heart condition, it’s not genetic..it was a defect because his mom was a drug addict ...so with him playing super dad on top of being a firefighter! He never put himself first and I think he didn’t want to worry me while I was away at college. So shit got a lot worse than he lead me to believe..like I thought it all crashed and burned at once ya know? But as the years go on, and I really step back and think about the way things were..I don’t think that was the case…”

Jimin could feel the tension in your body as you squeezed down on his hand, thighs pattering against the floor anxiously “Sometimes I just feel...guilty... “ there was nothing subtle about the way your voice started to waiver in your chest...suddenly feeling almost light headed…

”- Because we were so close and I guess I feel like I should’ve been able to tell something was wrong...and to be honest deep down I think I did I just-Fuck-” Breaking your hand away from his, placing both of your hands over your face as you felt your chest swell, you really hated crying in front of people. Though you were completely silent your muscles were tensing painfully hard, almost as if your body was caving in on itself.  It’s been a minute since you’ve talked about this...

“Hey, heyyyy” Voice sitting barely above a whisper as he spoke, you didn't even realize it because you were too busy trying to stop yourself from falling apart!  But Jimin pulled over ...Putting the car in park, and throwing the joint in the ashtray  “Shhh, it’s okay, it’s okay...I got you…”  All you could hear was static zipping through your head as he unbuckled your seatbelt.

Effortlessly lifting you over the center council in one motion placing you on his lap, body naturally melting into his. Which only made you cry even harder once you felt his chest flesh against your cheek, legs dangling across the car in the process. Chest rising and falling painfully hard as your breath hiccuped in your chest. Jimin’s hand soothing up your back..lips pressed firm into your hair as he tried to keep you calm. Feeling like complete trash for even bringing that night up...not that he could’ve even fathomed  it would turn into this!

“I’m soo sorry, really I wouldn't have mentioned-” Shaking your head furiously cutting him off, finally pulling your face from his chest wiping it hastily with the sleeve of your hoodie. Nose and eyes bright ass red...cheeks already puffy…

“Fuck- no, no, it’s not your fault, I don’t know where this came from  I jus-Shit…” Your temples were pounding, your chest was tight you felt like you were damn near suffocating, every breath managed to knock the wind out of you repedetaly! 

“Just breathe..breathe for me baby, like I said..I got all the time in world I told Brandi and Tim I’d be to them before 7AM...they work midnights. I’m not rushing you, your my only concern right now!” You'd never met someone with such patience, he sat there silently… as you tried to pull your shit together! Stroking his hands up your back, giving you your space to do, and feel whatever you needed too.

“In reality, there's no way I couldve known...nobody’s a mind reader, and it’s clear he didn't want me to know, in retrospect I know that. It’s just really hard to make myself believe it sometimes…”  Stroking his jaw, forcing a timid smile to move up your face as you felt him lean over and kiss your fingers.

“ The day we met, I had just gotten a promotion..finally doing what my degree was for and not just someones damn assistant. I just really wanted to call my dad..and hear him tell me how proud he was of me-” Everything died off your tongue at that point..voice shattering .....you were done..next question PLEASE!

You kinda just gave up at this point...there's no way in hell you’d be able to get this story out..not right now at least...reclining back a little so your back was resting against the steering wheel. Trying to stop your breath from hiccuping in your chest! Letting your eyes flutter shut in an attempt to do as he said… breath… you felt Jimin’s hands soothe up your thighs before his lips connected to the bulging vein on your neck. Painting kisses on every inch of skin he could reach, his motives weren’t sexual...he was just trying to relax you, and he knows his touch does that..effortlessly…

Slipping one hand up under your hood, soothing his palm between your chest and your shoulder before settling on the curve of your breast, resting casually over your heart. Taking mental note as it slowly started to even out the more he kissed you. So he didn't stop...thumb gently stroking your skin...he’d do it for hours if need be.

(5) “ How did you go, from working at a bowling alley..to this??” The question broke through the silence, voice slightly husky from crying..finally letting your eyes flutter open, only to be met by the beauty man in front of you. Who was smiling fondly back in your direction

“Because of a man..named Tim, who's the only person in my life...that has ever gotten me to the point that you were just at...when talking about your dad.”

The reference alone made you smile, just thankful to know it seems Jimin DID have someone in his life that gave a fuck about him!

“He would frequent the alley at night, typically play a couple of rounds with two kids that were a couple years older than me named Yoongi and Namjoon. They actually worked for him, Tim ran his own construction company… he also grew his own bud.”

A smile spreading across his face as he noticed you already starting to connect the dots as he spoke. “They’d drink beers and just dick around a little, I met him two years prior to me moving out of my mom’s, my original plan was to just sleep in my car until I figured it out. That lasted about a week...then one night I was off, and drunk..and playing pool with Tim and Yoongi and it spilled out..Tim asked..well, told me to come move in with him!”

“Oh thank fuck!!” Fluttered from your chest with the biggest smile imaginable because the idea of 16-year-old Jimin roughing it in his car damn near broke your heart.

He graced you with that smile again, the one where his eyes disappeared into his face...the cutest shit you’d ever seen in your damn life!

“ Mmmhmm...graduated early at 16 actually, then I started working for Tim, because it was cash he’d let me work as many hours as there was work..and Tim always had work!  While living with him we’d smoke..but he also taught me how to properly trim plants! He tried to teach Yoongi and Joon but neither of them had the patience for it! I’m a night owl by nature..I guess because I got used to hearing my damn parents argue all fuckin night….”

There was a blatant shift within him at just the mention of his parents, the sudden fondness he had while speaking of Tim ...was long gone.Stroking his chin with your thumb, almost as if you were trying to pull him out of his thoughts!

“He’d take me along on his more..civil drops I guess you’d say….”

“Ahh so he’d take you with him to see his “Brandi or Tim” You chimed in playfully reaching for your Slurpee which was all syrup at this point.

“Exactly…:” Eyeing the gummy shark you had wedged between your teeth...leaning in slightly allowing him to bite half, but in true Jimin fashion there was no way in hell he’d let you get that close without stealing a kiss. Oh how easily this man got distracted when you were around! Catching the tail of the candy with his teeth before briefly slipping his tongue past the seam of your lips with a slight moan, as the two of you volleyed the piece of candy between your tongues. Laughing into the kiss which ultimately ended up pulling the two of you apart, because he reallyyyy wasn’t trying to let go anytime soon…

“Finish your story sir! No cliffhangers allowed! !”

Eyes rolling to the back of his head with an exaggerated sigh before complying “ Fineee, Long story short….because I can go on for years about that man! I don’t know what I would’ve done or where I’d be without him, honestly I’d probably be in jail right now..” Chest getting painfully tight at his blunt honesty, slightly because you could somewhat relate to it! Especially once your dad died, and you suddenly didn't have a house to come home too...you had to figure shit out reallllllll quick!

“ He had lung cancer, and of course his line of work is really hard on the body regardless, he found out he had it when I was 19. That same year he looked at me and said “If a day comes and I’m not here… I need to know your sleeping under a roof every night!”

His eyes left yours briefly gazing out the window as he nervously grazed his bottom lip with his teeth...placing your drink down so you could let your fingers get lost in his hair. Just gently massaging his scalp as he talked...hoping it would put him at ease.

“So, I had saved up a couple of thousand dollars, between working on houses...and ... other things that you may not wanna know. I used the cash and bought a really shitty, 2 bedroom house off the auction list . Obviously it needed a ton of work, but Tim , Yoongi, Joon, and some of his other guys would come over and help me fix it up for damn near 6 months straight. Even after we just worked a 10 hour day..and the only payment they’d accept was bud, beer..and pizza!” You could see him smiling through the glass, though he still wouldn't look at you,  you weren’t gonna force him...when he was ready he’s make eye contact again. You were just happy he was smiling and not crying…

“Honestly those were some of the happiest years of my life...I never thought I could be happy until I met them.” Unfortunately the smile started to fade, and again..your gut already told you why!

“As I got older and Tim got a little weaker, I got more involved with “that” side of the business. I started doing 90% of his drops,both in and out of state. He taught me how to plant them, clean them, feed them...make sure they cured properly...how to make the perfect hybrid..how to turn it into wax..butter..oils..you name it!”

Ahh so Tim was not only a father figure...but a mentor as well….

“Early 2016, his cancer got really really bad and he was in hospice and we all knew he wasn’t going to make it ! He didn’t have any kids and he hated his kinda sorta ex-wife…”

That’s when Jimin eyes finally met yours and you wished they didn’t those big brown puppy dog eyes of his were completely glazed over. “I was at the hospital with him, and he told me he wanted to stop all medications and treatments and just let whatever was going to happen, happen…:”

You watched his head recline against the glass, eyes swelling...he didn't even try and stop the single tear that fell from his face. Jaw twitching in the process…”That was the hardest shit I ever had to go through...I didn't even cry that hard when I walked away from my parents. He just- I wake up and think about him every.damn.day...shit fuckin sucks man...” You could tell he was holding onto those tears for dear life, trying his damndest not to let them leave his eyes....

Men were tricky when they were vulnerable...you weren’t sure how to read him, until he grabbed you, positioning your head in the crook of his neck. Not sure if he just wanted you there for comfort or if he just didn't want to make eye contact while he cried..either way you compiled ... Especially once you felt how hard he exhaled once your body made contact with his, almost as if he was holding his breath prior. Kissing “your spot” repeatedly as he talked, the feeling of a couple stay tears landing in your hair had your chest swelling in the meantime!

“He told me to take his spare key and take whatever I wanted.. And more importantly, make sure his plants make it to harvest and make sure I make some damn good money off of them.” You couldn't help but laugh at that..your breath tickling the side of Jimin's neck which pulled a tentative chuckle from his throat that was much needed. You heard him sniffle a couple of times, the slight shift let you know he was wiping his face on his sleeve, but you didn't look. Respecting his space..just soothing his chest, and kissing every inch of skin you could reach…

Again you wanted this to flow..not feel forced..if Jimin’s not ready to cry in front of you then he’s not ready..hopefully, someday he’s comfortable enough to do so! 

“ So that’s what I did I took pretty much all of his crop..and some other substances that he often played with...” Eyes suddenly going wide as if he just had a very vivid flashback..hoping he’d share with the class...

“Now I’m not gonna lie...shit almost got reallll ugly when I went to sell his other….” products” but that’s a long story that will save that for a different day…”

Nooo fuck no...why would he do that!? Now he knows it’s gonna flood your mind until he actually explains what the hell happened! And more importantly what was it? Coke? Heroin? Ecstasy?!  

“Real shit, I didn't take anything materialistic, except a couple of shirts, hats, and hoodies that he wore a lot. Items that just reminded me of him like I didn’t care for his TV or anything. But now, fast forward... it’s been 3 years since he’s been gone and it’s just become my thing. Tim didn’t commercially but he always wanted to, he said that would be his retirement plan, he’d stop working on houses, buy a farm and get licensed. So that’s a big reason why I eventually did it, once I had enough saved for a license and everything.... I’m just naturally good at it, I enjoy it and more importantly, I don’t look like the type to have an eighter in his trunk, soooo that helps!!”

Hell yeah I’m sure it does, when you first found out he was a dealer even years ago you legit thought your friend was joking..like is this the porn hub version orrrrr!?

“Thankfully, a lot of Tim’s clients knew me because I've been doing drops for him since I was like 17...once they realized my crop was up the par..they stuck with me. Then of course over the years, I’ve made some of my own clients too, clearly the dispensaries and stuff I got on my own. I’ve rendered a lot of really dope customers though, including this really sexy little thing I met out at Johnny's damn near 8 months ago now...! She just can’t get enough...”

The sudden change in pace had your lips heading on a different mission, not sure if Jimin just worked like that...where his moods could shift quickly or if he just needed a distraction from how deep shit was getting...either way...you decided to give him what he needed. 

“Mmm..oh yeah???” Finally doing what he’s been mentally begging for as you licked a stop up the side of his neck, before sinking your teeth right into the patch of skin right beneath his jaw. Grinding your hips down into his hard..until you pulled a restrained moan from his throat. Hand slipping up under hoodie so smack your ass, only to find.. you’re not wearing panties because of course, you aren't. A low growl slips past his lips as you bounce on his lap slightly, blunt nails digging into your bare ass. “Behaveeee..daddy..we still got like 13 questions left…” Wrapping your lips around his skin until it was your desired shade of purple, pulling back with a satisfied moan.

“Then you need to get the fuck off my lap before I just say fuck this game and make you come all over again…...it’s only been a couple of hours..I know you are still nice and wet for me” Yanking your hair until the sting traveled from your scalp to your core...nipping on the hinge of your jaw. Instantly regretting starting this little game with him..because now you wanted him...really fuckin bad!

“Now back to your game…” bringing his lips over to the side of your neck..tugging the tiny hoop that danced in your ear between his teeth. Letting the metal bar from his piercing dance between your skin and the piercing.

(6) Why do you keep coming back to me?” Pulling back letting his forehead rest against yours “ What do you want from me?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THAT’S ALL SHE WROTE FOR NOW...LOL if you guys want more and you want me to do the other questions spread out over 2 more parts..show this some love and lemme know!

”FINAL NOTE- Hopefully you guys enjoyed my twist on Jimin’s drug dealer backstory! Probably not what you expected, but what would explain his more chill, open personality. As opposed to that stereotypical, angry, passive-aggressive, closed off , gang member facde your use to when dealing with a drug dealer.  His journey to where he is now is a little different than most in his position! For him he wasn’t forced into this...it almost saved him in a way....gave him a sense of purpose...if you will! 

Also, take note that he’s not stupid, he may not be afraid of his emotions but he hasn’t shared anything that could be “Used against him” if you will. Everything that was discussed has been past tense….

SOME upcoming questions

FOR JIMIN

"Have you ever gotten caught/ almost caught/any transactions gone sideways?"

" Is there anything you'd like to do in the future..outside of ”This”? "

"What changed that night that made you finally ask me out?"

"Why do you like to be called "daddy""?

FOR THE OC

"What do you want from me?"

"Do you think you can actually handle all of this? Me going MIA at night..or even out of the state for a couple days.!? Or just knowing I'm not some corporate guy in a suite?"

"What do you actually do for a living"

"Do you feel safe with me? If you get in this deep are you worried about your safety in anyway?"

“When you called me at midnight for that delivery...was it your intention to fuckk me?”

[cakesunflower]

Quiet Hours [College!Luke AU] Ch. 10

A/N: this chap’s kinda short but ya know. it be like that sometimes

Previous Chapters: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9

Chapter 10

GOOSEBUMPS WERE RAISED on Ophelia’s skin was the first thing she noticed when she woke up the next morning, and realizing it was because she was wearing nothing but a shirt was the second. Her bleary eyes blinked open, legs shifting under her comforter and rubbing together in an attempt to warm them up. She was facing the wall once she woke up, feeling a pressure against her back which immediately had her remembering that she wasn’t alone in her bed.

That, and the fact that she could feel soft warm breaths against her ear and the familiar pine scent that greeted her when she inhaled a deep breath. Ophelia pressed a hand on her forehead as she turned to lay on her back, head turning to the right to catch sight of the boy sleeping soundly next to her. She blinked as she took in Luke, her heart jumping in her throat as he lay asleep, left arm folded under his head. Ophelia’s gaze flickered to his lips, full and pink and ones that she had kissed incessantly and felt kiss her everywhere.

She just knew her neck was once again going to be decorated with a few marks that he so generously left last night, and when she dropped her gaze and took in how he was shirtless and could see his chest since the comforter only reach their waists, she saw some of the marks that her own lips had left on his neck and even some on his chest. Dark purple mixed with red hickies stood out starkly against his pale skin, making a blush rise on her cheeks as she tore her gaze away from them. Her lips tingled at the reminder of how she couldn’t stop kissing him, either.

Her stomach fluttered as memories of last night briefly flickered through her mind as the dull soreness between her thighs reminded her of just how amazing it had been. Kissing Luke was one thing, but being with him so intimately was an experience all on its own that she was so Goddamn overwhelmed to have gone through. In the best way.

Honestly, Ophelia would go as so far to say that sex with Luke had ruined any other encounter she had with a guy or may have in the future. He knew exactly what to do, when to do it, and was all about delivering first and then receiving later. The way his hands had caressed her skin and his lips planted kisses everywhere that left a fire in their wake had her gasping and writhing without control.

Ophelia swallowed as she took in Luke’s sleeping face, realizing he looked so adorable and innocent, when in reality the latter couldn’t be the furthest thing from the truth. Last night was proof of that. Still, his blonde curls fell over his forehead and closed eyes as he inhaled and exhaled softly, innocently, and Ophelia’s hand reached over as her fingers lightly pushed his hair back and away from his face so she could see all of it, her heart jumping in her throat at the mere sight of him.

She couldn’t believe that she had slept with Luke but she by no means regretted it because holy shit she didn’t think sex could be that amazing. Ophelia’s slept with her fair share of men, but none of them had her seeing stars and desperate for more like the way Luke had.

Licking her lips, Ophelia slowly sat up instead of just laying there and admiring Luke, because if it were up to her, she would just stay there and soak in the sight of him for as long as she could. She wore only his black shirt, her pajamas on the floor next to Luke’s own clothes, and she blushed briefly when she realized he was completely naked under the covers. Carefully, Ophelia climbed off the bed, the cold air slapping against her skin as she made a mental note to turn on the heating as she scrunched her face up in a wince when Luke stirred as she got off the bed. He stayed asleep, rolling over onto his stomach and hugging her pillow as his back sank in a sleepy exhale.

Keeping Luke’s shirt on, Ophelia picked up her pajama pants and slid them on since it was too cold for her to walk around without any on, padding barefoot into the bathroom to freshen herself up. As she washed her hands and face after using the toilet, her brows raised slightly at the sight of the couple of hickies on her neck, biting the inside of her lower lip to stop the stupidly giddy smile from growing on her lips.

Eventually, after adjusting the apartment thermostat and realizing that the snow outside had been plowed yet still a few good inches covered the ground, Ophelia wound up in the kitchen as she made herself a bowl of Coco Puffs. She then settled on the couch to watch reruns of Supernatural that she knew would be on, though focusing on the show was proving to be a bit difficult when she was all too busy thinking about the sleeping boy in her room.

Especially when, ten minutes later when she had finished her cereal and was leaning back against the couch, Ophelia was startled by lips pressing to her cheek and facial hair scratching her skin pleasantly. “Oh, God,” she jumped slightly, hand pressing to her chest as she looked up over her shoulder to see Luke standing behind her, leaning forward with his hands splayed on the back of the couch as he peered down at her. Ignoring the stutter of her heart at the sight of his shirtless form in nothing but his sweatpants and tousled hair, Ophelia breathlessly added, “you scared me.”

Luke grinned, dimples appearing cutely as he walked around the couch before settling down next to Ophelia with his left arm draping over her shoulders to pull her closer. She bit the inside of her cheek at the sight of his exposed upper half, especially when she caught sight of the few marks she had left behind as Luke’s right hand pushing back his hair as he chuckled deeply, “sorry about that, sweetheart.”

Despite the fact that she had seen Luke in all of his naked, ridiculously sexy glory last night, she was still slightly unnerved with him sitting right next to her without a top. “Do you want your shirt back?” she found herself asking, fingers playing with the hem of Luke’s shirt that reached her thighs. “I-It’s cold in here.”

But Luke knew better as he kept his gaze on her, brow quirking in mild amusement as he smirked, “does me being shirtless bother you, R.A. Ophelia?”

“No.” Yes.

He saw right through her yet again as he leaned closer, Ophelia not at all resisting as he used his grip on her shoulders to bring her towards him. Luke’s lips brushed against her cheek, instantly electrifying her skin and wanting nothing more than to melt into him as he murmured, “didn’t seem to bother you at all last night, pretty girl.”

Luke would be lying if he didn’t find the shy yet radiant smile that grew on Ophelia’s face, reveling at the sight of her high cheekbones and the softness of her skin. He knew his beard was probably scratching at her skin, but she had yet to complain about it, so he just correctly figured she enjoyed it. “Does your ego just inflate after you sleep with someone?” Ophelia surprised him by laughing, prompting the Australian to pull back and look down at her with raised entertained eyebrows.

The blue eyed boy hummed thoughtfully, tilting his head back as he looked up at the ceiling before shooting her the cheekiest grin, “only when the sex is impressive enough.”

A short, amused gasp left Ophelia as she looked at him, no longer paying attention to the show playing on TV and only having eyes for the boy next to her at the moment. “And was it?” she questioned, keeping the nervous almost hesitant tint in her voice hidden. She had no idea why she asked that, and she hoped to God she didn’t appear as worried for his answer as she suddenly felt. God, she was pathetic.

But Luke threw all of her concern out the window as his expression softened, and while she had expected for him to smirk and be cheeky, her heart swelled within her chest as his right hand came to grasp her behind the knees and move her position. Ophelia was now seated with her legs thrown over Luke’s lap, body turned to face his as he leaned closer and rested his hand on her thigh.

With a dimpled smile on his face, Luke answered truthfully, “mind-blowing,” and his smile widened at the way she struggled to contain her own. Ophelia felt her cheeks heating up at his answer, wanting to avert her suddenly shy gaze but not being able to do so when Luke closed the distance and pressed his lips to hers. She instantly leaned into him, a quiet moan coming up from her throat at how Luke sucked her lower lip into the kiss that had both of them wrapping their arms around each other and Luke pushing Ophelia back down on the couch.

Safe to say, they were both eager to start their morning the same way they ended the night before.

                                                    *****

“Jesus Christ—you couldn’t have waited until after the New Year?” Calum grumbled as he slapped a twenty dollar bill into Michael’s hand while shooting the baffled Australian a glare as he paused from biting into his slice of pizza.

Michael sniggered triumphantly as he pocketed his newly earned profit before going back to hobbling down his slice of margherita pizza. “Did you—” Luke stuttered out with a scoff, sitting up in his stool as he switched his gaze from Michael sitting across from him to Calum next to him. “Did you guys bet on when Ophelia and I would sleep together?”

He watched bemusedly as both of his friends looked at him unapologetically as Ashton snickered next to Michael, before the latter informed, “literally the morning after you let her sleep in your room.”

An incredulous scoff escaped Luke as Calum nodded along and then he rolled his eyes while muttering, “unbelievable.”

“Speaking of which,” Ashton piped up after putting down his bottle of beer, quirking an eyebrow at Luke who shot him a questioning look. “What’s gonna happen between you and Ophelia? Do you actually like her or is she just another notch in your belt?”

Luke stared at Ashton with furrowed brows, his chewing slowing down until he swallowed the bite like a lump lodged in his throat. Suddenly, he felt all of his friends’ eyes on him as he tried to think of an answer, because nothing was coming to him straight away.

Truthfully, Luke had assumed that sleeping with Ophelia would ease up the thoughts that had encircled his mind since the moment he had met her. It was a selfish, dickhead move on his part but it was Luke’s thought process at the time. He was ridiculously attracted to Ophelia in practically every way someone could be attracted to another person, and he had stupidly just thought that once he got her in bed it would be over.

Two rounds of sex later and he was being proven terribly wrong.

But having feelings for her, after making sure the most he did with a girl never got past the physical point to tread into the dangerous, nagging territory of emotions? Luke hadn’t done that since he and his ex-girlfriend broke up almost a year ago, and while he had moved on from that, he would be lying if he said he still wasn’t hurt over it. What better way to hide the pain of a breakup than burying it under a growing body count?

“I don’t know,” he finally, truthfully answered because Luke was just not sure about what he wanted. When he left Ophelia’s apartment earlier today after their impromptu round on the couch, Luke had found himself still wanting to have her pressed against him, lips on hers, be inside her. “She’s a great—she’s amazin’. But I don’t know if a relationship is what I want. I don’t know what I want, and I don’t really know what she wants, either.”

“It’s not like you can avoid the topic forever, man,” Michael pointed out with raised eyebrows. “We live right next to her. You two either establish that what happened was a one—I’m sorry, two—time thing.” Luke rolled his eyes at Michael’s smirk while Ashton and Calum snickered. “Or you try to figure out if it means anything more.”

Luke’s lips puckered in thought, knowing that his glasses wearing friend had a point, as Calum spoke up casually. “I think she’d be good for you.” Luke glanced over at him, a silent question in his eyes as Calum added, “she’s got morals, you don’t. She could teach you a thing or two.”

The Australian nearly choked on his bite of pizza, looking completely affronted as he stammered out a defensive, “I have morals!”  

Ashton snorted, eyes on his third slice of pizza as he picked it up on his plate and sarcastically stated, “oh, yeah, sleeping with different girls twice a week and never speaking to them again is totally honorable. Bravo!”

The other two boys guffawed at the expense of Luke, who pursed his lips tightly as he did not appreciate his friends laughing at him and the way he decided to live his life. “I like sex, what’s the big deal?” he scowled, folding the crust of his pizza between his index and middle finger and thumb before taking another bite of the slice.

“Nothing, that’s fine,” Michael assured before shrugging with a grin, “just stick to doing it with one person. The more partners, the more likely you are to getting an STD.”

Luke’s face scrunched up in disgust, wondering how the fuck they ended up on this topic of conversation as he leaned away slightly from the counter they were all seated around. “No talk of STDs while we’re eating, lads,” he ruled, shaking his head as he felt his curls brushed against his cheeks at the movement. His mother had wanted him to get a haircut, but he was liking how his long curls were looking.

Plus, it felt so fucking incredible when Ophelia pulled at them.

“No, but seriously,” Calum said after the boys sobered up from their laughter as he shot Luke a serious expression. “Ophelia’s a sweetheart; don’t string her along.”

Luke’s brows lowered in an almost offended frown. “I’m not that big of an ass, Cal.” Then with a sigh, he added, “I honestly don’t know what I want, alright? I just know that I—I can’t get enough.”

Michael snorted, quirking an eyebrow. “You make her sound like some kind of drug, man.”

Luke joined in on the light laughter that emitted from his friends, gaze lowering to his pizza as the conversation fortunately changed. They had no idea how addicting Ophelia was. He already was hooked.

He couldn’t stop thinking about her, in any aspect, and that alone was enough to have Luke realize that Ophelia was definitely not like the other girls he’s slept with. She wasn’t just another hook up because everything with her seemed so different, as if it was the first time he was doing anything like that with a girl—save for any awkward amature fumbling. Her skin was soft under his hands and lips, her own lips so sweet and addictive that he craved to taste her again while the way she worked them could be described as nothing but sinful. The pretty girl had taken him by surprise by just how fucking good she was in bed—two times wasn’t nearly as enough.

Luke had to figure out what the hell he was after and fast—whether he was capable of giving her something more than physical even if he was beginning to come around the fact that he had feelings for her—and fast. But it was just so damn hard to focus when he couldn’t get the image of her moaning, writhing and pleasure-filled expression out of his head. This was going to be hard.

No damn pun intended.  

--

tags: @crownedbyluke @irwinkitten @glitterprincelu @softforcal @valentinelrh @sweetcherrymike @meetashthere @astroashtonio @hereforlukescruff @captain-what-is-going-on @angelbbycal @calntynes @invisiblexcth @soulmatecashton @calumsmermaid @kchillout @thewackywriter @akacalciumhood @calumculture @ohhmuke @empathycth @flannelpunkcalum @poppedpins @novacanecalum @walkedhomealone @calistheloml @gettingjillywithit @hearts-to-the-sky @old-zeppelin-shirt @5sos-stan4lyfe @all-i-want-is2b-loved-by-you @calumthoodsyonce @xhaileyreneex @rosecoloredash @asht0ns-world @cxddlyash @mysteriouslycali @lmao5sosimagines @monsteramongmikey @calteahood @5secondssofssummer @sublimehood @biwriting @findingliam-o @isabella-mae13 @canujustnotplease @vxidhood 

[sweettoothshipperrotg]

okay I know I said last one but,,,,,, i couldn’t help myself- SO how about Superhero AU? With FrostedNature? (loveuthankubye)

Oh you and your promises of not sending more prompts. LIKE.YOU.COULD.HOLD.OUT (don’t you worry baby it’s fine, your prompts always make me happy :3)

Sorry this took so long, but I’ve finlly completed it.

Based on: ‘You’re my arch nemesis but our best friends are dating…I guess I’ll play nice in civvies, for now’ AU

Hope you enjoy!

SECRET IDENTITITES, MY FOOT

Jackson Overland Frost couldn’t believe his eyes when Bunnymund introduced his girlfriend’s best friend.

This was supposed to be a nice evening. He had cleared up his schedule specifically for tonight (if he kept on canceling every time something “came up”, Bunny would probably have strangled him) and was more than ready to enjoy his first free night in three years.

Luckily, he had been spared his friend’s backlash since Tooth’s friend also had to unexpectedly rain check their outing several times.

It wasn’t like Jack didn’t like the idea of his friend now being engaged (albeit, it had shaken him a little). Toothiana was a lovely woman, a bubbly behavior that balanced Bunny´s down to earth personality. The aussie had never been in such a long relationship before, but on the four year mark he decided to pop the question.

Jack, as the newly designated best man, was having a hard time handling his responsibilities for his friend’s wedding, his job at North’s store, and his “extracurricular activities”.

The couple had declared that their two friends had to meet in order for their nuptials to smoothly continue.

Toothiana had told him a little about the future bridesmaid. Emily Jane was a no-nonsense successful botanic researcher who Tooth had met at college and become friends with.

To anyone else such a friendship would have seemed rather odd, but considering that he had and Bunny had become friends when the blue-eyed boy was getting his ass handed to him during a bar fight, he understood. His opponent had managed to throw him over the table when Jack had tried to be a knight in shining armor and save one of his friends from a rather insistent ex-boyfriend. Aster had knocked the douchebag with a mean right hook and helped Jack up from the floor.

They had been besties ever since.

Now he was at a fancy restaurant in a five-star hotel, surrounded by his two friends and sitting in front of a stunning woman in a black dress who was sending intense glances his way.

Not in the sexy sense, more like “I want to murder you with this very steak knife I have in my hand” kinda way.

Although his presence had never warranted such a reaction from anyone he had met, there was a little problem.

He knew this woman.

And judging by the recognition in her eyes when they shook hands for the first time, she knew him as well.

Despite his best effort to keep his night job and his personal life separate, it seems it had come back to bite him.

The woes that betides a superhero.

Yes, he had superpowers. And yes he spent most of his free time as a vigilante making the streets of Burgess City a little safer to tread.

By now, Jack Frost had become more than just a fable among people.

It had been quite a decision when his ice powers manifested for the same time after his close call with death at the local pond he used to skate at with his little sister.

He remembered the cold and the dark water that surrounded him. He can even recall his sister screaming out his name from the surface. But then he woke up in a hospital bed after being unconscious for days and with his mother and sister asleep by his bedside.

His powers took two weeks to show themselves.

A glisten and a flurry of ice shot out of his hand into the tree next to him and covered it with an intricate and budding frost pattern. And the rest was history.

Had it not been for the present tense atmosphere, he would have chuckled at his memory of his first years as a superhero, running around with a mask and in an old blue hoodie. What a reckless kid he had been.

Thankfully his current supersuit was now more outfitted for combat and to handle his powers. North had been very helpful after Jack had busted into his shop to stop a large robbery.

And yes, of course North knew of his double life (the ex Russian scientist was his go to tech guy, after all). A superhero couldn’t keep down a stable job as easily as the comics made it look, and he had rent to pay.

In his many comings and goings he had faced many different foes: the low life criminals that preyed on the streets, the low level grunts of the mafia families, even a few corrupt leaders of the crime syndicates that sat atop of the city.

But none had been such a challenge like his arch nemesis. Persephone.With such a taste for dramatics, no wonder the universe had decided to search for someone to meet her match.

Her phytokinetic powers had him gawking at her when they first met at a bank robbery – that she orchestrated!

With a graceful swoop she and her plants had descended upon him and confronted him in one of the most engaging combats he had had in ages.

He was quick and nimble, but her defense and her strikes knocked the wind out of him.

Luckily, he had entertained her enough for the police back up to arrive.

She had left him fighting off thorny vines and unable to follow her and end the dance they had started.

Jack Frost had encountered the mysterious woman several other times.

She seemed to dabble in several types of crimes, but was quite adept to burglary. The high-class type. Although those pompous fishes could do with having a little less money, the upper class victims were outraged at the inability of the police to catch the masked villainess.

The mystery that was Persephone had kept him awake many nights. Unfortunately, it wasn’t all from a sleuth-related nature.

Her sly smile was ever present when he closed his eyes, so was her taught yet lithe body he had felt during close quarters combat and her alluring and taunting voice.

In other words, his imagination was playing against him. And he was losing, part of him wanted to put her behind bars so he would stop thinking of her so damn much.In another universe, these two characters would have never recognized the other; oblivious of their double life until some convoluted hand of destiny revealed their identities at a more inconvenient time.

But it seemed that fate had other plans.

His mind was brought back from his machinations all of a sudden.

“I’m sorry, I have to take this call.” Emily’s voice apologized profusely to her friend. “I’ll be right back. I promise.”

She sauntered out of view, almost as if she knew that his eyes would follow her.

“I…uh…I gotta use the restroom” He spluttered and excused himself away from the couple.

Jack passed the restrooms, and made his way to the open courtyard the hotel had.It looked quite pretty with the lights that illuminated the ornate fountain.

She was there, with her back to him and appearing to admire the abundant yet harmonic greenery that surrounded them.

Oh how freaking convenient.

He approached, carefully as you would to a deadly animal. The frost was starting to surge on his palm but yet he didn’t attack. The place was secluded but not enough for a full on battle to go unnoticed.

“Of all the places in this city, I find you here.” She still did not turn to face him. “How odd, isn’t it?”

Jack didn’t answer, sizing her up. He felt relief that she hadn’t take the steak knife with her, but that feeling burst when he realized she was far more deadly without it.

“And here I was planning such a show for when we met again.” Persephone said in her usual tone; the type of confident voice that came from always holding all the cards.

“Eager to see me, sweetheart?” The word escaped his mouth before he could help it.

They had slipped into well-known roles; their war of wits just as accelerating to him as their physical warfare.

“Flirt all you want, Frost.” Her head turned to glance at him, a smirk blooming in her lips. “But you’re not handing me over to the police just yet.”

The plants around them swooshed, but not because of the wind.

“Really?” Jack clenched his jaw, his muscles tensing. “And why is that?”

She now fully turned around and stepped forward, but he held his ground.

“Because you wouldn’t want to break your dear friend’s heart, would you?”

That sent a rush of fear through his blood. Instantly, a sharp spike of ice was forming onto his hand and was inches away from her neck. She didn’t even flinch. “If you dare harm Bunny or Tooth-”

“Spare me the theatrics, Frost.” She said calmly, as if she didn’t have an ice blade to her neck ready to run her through. “I’m not going to hurt any of them.”

Ok, that had him baffled.

“What?”

“I happen to truly care for Toothiana, and I even like Bunnymund enough to entrust him the safety and happiness of the only true friend I’ve ever had.” She firmly explained in all seriousness. “I would walk through burning coals for her and make anyone who hurts her wish they were dead.”

“What I meant to say is that we happen to be their best man and bridesmaid, quite crucial to their wedding if memory serves me right.” Emily continued to explain. “And I think it would put a damper on their wedding if I were to get rid of you or, in the most unlikely case, for you to send me to prison. That’s why I’ve decided we should reach a compromise.”

“What exactly did you have in mind?”

“A truce.” She replied with a confident smile. “I don’t go around on my nightly activities and you don’t try to throw me in jail while our friends are planning their wedding. Heck, we might have to work together to make it happen so it would be useful to not be at each other’s throats.”

Jack Frost had not expected this at all. Was she truly going to just play nice with him until their friends were married?

It felt like he was missing something. Once more, she had pulled the rug from under his feet.

Jack shook his head to clear out the fog, as the wheels spun inside his head. “How can I trust Burgess City’s top criminal to keep her word?”

“I guess it’s all about a leap of faith” She stepped closer and gently placed a hand on his chest, the ice dagger now pressing firmly against her skin but she paid it no mind since she was finding him far more interesting. The conflict that battled within those blue eyes of his was positively delicious, and so was his accelerated heartbeat. “Aren’t you heroes all about that, anyways?”

Silence stretched over them, both enemies sizing each other up for the others next move. But, in the end, it was him who spoke.

To be honest, he was probably making the biggest mistake of his life.

“Fine.” He warily acquiesced. “We play nice until Bunny and Tooth get married, but if I find out that you’re at it again then the deal is off.”

“Sounds good to me” She grinned, trying to suppress the mix of anticipation and adrenaline that had her self-control in such shaky grounds. “Now would you kindly put the icicle away? I need to get back to our table before Tooth gets worried.”

The spike vanished, and he retreated back so her influence would stop messing with his head.

She made her way out of the garden, but turned around to end their encounter with one last warning. “Don’t worry, once we cart them off to their honeymoon we can go back to destroying each other like always”

He didn’t grace her with an answer as the sharp click of her stilettos faded away in the distance.

Jack combed a hand through his hair and sighed.

There were definitely going to be some interesting months ahead of him.

TADA! Hope you liked it.

If you feel like sending asks, don´t hesitate to do so (it might take time but I’ll eventually get there, I promise!)

[imaginesfeaturingkmusic]

Cool Down [M]

A/N: It’s my first Dabin post! I hope y’all like it. (I apologize in advance if this is trash or if the end seems a little rushed.)

❝ Dabin and music? Perfect combination. Dabin and all black clothing? Lethal, but perfect combination. Now, Dabin and ice? You soon figure out is one the best combinations yet, especially on one of the hottest days of the summer. 

The sun shines mockingly through the window, filtering light through the drawn window shades of your apartment. The back of your shirt sticks to your body with sweat and the tendrils of your hair damp from perspiration. Today has to be one of the hottest days of the summer, and of course today of all days the air conditioner in your apartment decided not to work. You called the landlord, and he promised to send someone to come by and fix it but not until tomorrow. So, you’re left to fend off of the heat with the one fan you own. 

You lay sprawled out on the floor right in front of the fan, letting out a whine when you peel the sticky shirt off your body. “Ew,” you protest. 

“Hm,” you turn your head to the sound as you hear your boyfriend hum from his place on the couch. 

“You look hot, baby, should I help you cool down?” He teases in a tone that has you almost immediately squeezing your thighs together. It always baffles you how he can go from super cute to incredibly sexy in such a short span of time.

But honestly, you don’t know if you even want to entertain whatever thought is going through Dabin’s head. Yes, you want him there’s no doubts about that (because you always want him), but the idea of moving even an inch from your spot in front of the fan doesn’t sound too appealing. So you whine in response, too hot to even give a proper answer.

Dabin playfully wiggles his eyebrows at you. “C’mon, I promise it’ll cool you right down.”

Holding back a smile, you bargain a deal like the mature adult you are. Throwing up your arms, you whine. “Carry me then.”

He rolls his eyes at you as he approaches you and crunches down to hook one arm around your lower back and the other behind your knees. Once he’s got you in his arms, he mumbles a “Let’s go, you big baby,” before kisses your temple and carries you to the kitchen.

As you two enter the room, he places on the counter before making his way towards the refrigerator. You watch him with curious eyes, eager to know just what kind of idea Dabin might have had that would’ve brought you two to the kitchen. He steps back with an ice tray in his hand before maneuvering in the small kitchen to reach in the cabinet for a bowl. 

He distributes some cubes into the bowl before placing the tray back into the freezer. And you watch with a nervous yet an excited feeling buzzing in the pit of your stomach. Finally, he turns to you and gives you that smug smile of his that always has your stomach churning with lust. Placing the bowl on the counter beside you, he easily slots himself between your open legs.  

“Curious, hm?” he questions, raising his eyebrows at you. You hesitantly hum in reply with your eyes trained on him. “Let’s take this shirt off first,” he says as he slowly reaches for the hem of your tee shirt and pulling it over your head. Your eyes flutter shut for just a moment as his cool fingertips brush against your skin before they open again and meet his sultry gaze. 

“Now lay back for me, baby,” he softly commands to which you immediately comply. His hands rest on your hips, his thumbs drawing small circle patterns on the skin. You wait with bated breath, not sure what he’ll do next. The seconds feel like a lifetime before you suddenly feel a cold, wet sensation near your belly button; you can’t help but gasp in surprise. 

Your eyes quickly dart down to where Dabin rests between your legs. He stares back at you with dark, lust-filled irises. He has an ice cube resting between his teeth as he trails it across your abdomen and his gaze is enough to make a soft moan pass your lips. And God, he even manages to smirk at you making your stomach flutter with pleasure. 

He makes his way up your body leaving a wet trail behind, stopping as he finally reaches your mouth. He places his mouth against yours, the ice quickly melting between your connected lips. When it finally melts, he deepens the kiss. Sliding his cool tongue inside your mouth, a delicious shiver runs down your spine as you sigh against his lips. 

“Dabin,” you murmur, pulling him a little closer. 

Drawing back in the slightest, he mumbles against your lips. “Let’s get rid of this too,” are his words as he tugs at the strap of your bra. You arch your back of the cool surface of the counter with just enough space for him to unclasp the lingerie. When your upper half is finally fully exposed, Dabin takes a moment to fully admire the curves of your breasts. You immediately flush under his gaze.

“I know I say this all the time, but baby,” he pauses to kiss your lips. “You are just so beautiful,” he smiles, his eyes glistening with desire but also so much admiration. You smile shyly up at him, always becoming bashful when he randomly compliments you. 

“Mm,” he hums against your skin as he starts kissing down the column of your neck. “I really don’t think you know just how beautiful and incredibly sexy you are,” he continues, his words tickling the skin on your neck. His lips continue to roam your body, often stopping to leave his mark. Then finally, he reaches the swell of your breasts. (And you’re not sure when he found the time to grab another ice cube,) But you’re pleasantly surprised when you feel the cold sensation of a new cube circling your sensitive nipple. You shiver at the feeling, a breathy moan escaping your parted lips. 

Dabin chuckles against the sensitive bud, the vibration eliciting yet another moan. “That’s right baby, I wanna hear you.” 

Dabin continues to work you over, oh so slowly. The combination of the cold ice cubes and the warmth of his mouth making the perfect combination; a mix that has you squirming and continually breathing out his name. 

Eventually, you two end up sprawled on the floor of the living room, your body pressed beneath Dabin’s body as he fucks you into the cool wooden flooring. Your hands grip onto his back, occasionally slipping because of the sweat forming there. “I-I’m so close,” you pant. 

“Good, baby,” Dabin grunts between thrusts. “C’mon. Cum for me.” 

His hips start to snap into yours a little harder, and you can feel the muscles in your stomach begin to uncoil - your orgasm so close. “More,” you whine. At your plea, Dabin pushes a little deeper, and he immediately hits your sweet spot. And then - finally - your orgasm crashes through your body with a loud cry. Dabin continues to move inside of you, chasing his release, until he finally cums too with a throaty grunt. He carefully pulls out of you and lays beside you as you both lay panting on the living room floor. 

As you finally come to, you turn your head to find your boyfriend already looking at you. “You know,” you start.

“Hm,” he inquires with a raise of his eyebrows. 

You look at him with a pout. “You said you’d cool me down, but I’m even more sweaty than before.”

“Aw, you poor baby,” he coos. “You didn’t seem to mind a few minutes ago,” he teases. 

You fight back a giggle (because, really, he did have a point). Rolling your eyes at him, you reply with a quiet “Oh, shut up.” 

[tigressaofkanjis]

An Outlasting Halloween - Killer Croc x Bane

A fanfic I wrote for Halloween with our two favorite dorks. Remember this post? Yeah, I decided to act upon it. I don't regret this and considering my version of Croc gained more than enough confidence after accepting himself, crossdressing would be something he would do to drive Bane insane. Years of rivalry has led to this moment and Croc is going to make Bane suffer for one night.

---------------------------

“Bane. Bane.”

“Hmm?”

“Bane, come here. I have the greatest idea for a Halloween costume! In fact, I have one for you two,” Waylon excitedly curled his tail as he grinned like Jervis at a tea party.

The luchador-themed man rolled his eyes in amusement at his partner -in-crime’s enthusiasm. He walked over to the couch Waylon was lying on with his laptop and a juvenile gator as his feet sleeping. He watched the large ridged tail wagging up and down as Croc turned his laptop towards Bane.

“Amigo, I don’t know what so special about a character who appears to be wearing a damaged fancy vest and dirty white shirt. Also, is that blood over his right eye?” Bane questioned, squinting at the pictures.

Killer Croc nodded quickly, “Do you remember the video game, Outlast, the game Drury and Garfield decided to make a react series out of for YouTube? You remember the DLC they were oh so engaged in?”

The man raised brow, “Oh you mean the one where you have to escape an asylum of sorts. That one? And this is-cual es su nombre-Eddie Glue…skin?”

“Gluskin, yes. He’s one of the main antagonists and I thought since you have the hair cut like him as well as that old ballroom suit you only used three years ago when you first came here that you would fit the character perfectly. We could add real blood or fake to a machete or something, add some makeup and you’d fit the look quite well!”

Bane crossed his arms, “Really? And what will I do all dressed up in a costume, compañero? We don’t have many places to go on Halloween except cause some mischief raiding houses while everyone is distracted, but our friends are hardly going to go with us for something as childish as that.”

Croc smirked, “What if I told you Kirk and his wife, Garfield, Fries, Jervis, and others are dressing up and they have plans to just have some pointless fun because like you said, it’s Halloween. Why rob a bank on Halloween when we could terrorize the houses for our treats? Besides if you wish to dress up, I have a plan to match you. While you are Eddie Gluskin , I’ll be Waylon Park. I have the attire thanks to Harley and Ivy so I’m set.”

Upon thinking about the benefits and cons of this proposed Halloween team up, Bane say really no downside that would set them back. At most, Batman would just slap their wrists probably out of annoyance considering the holidays were by far his least favorite time to crime fight them and an agitated Bruce was no fun.

Clicking his tongue, Bane shrugged finally, “Sure, why not? I’ll call Page Monroe and see if she can lend me her tailor to ‘mess up’ my perfect vest and shirt. Also, doesn’t this Waylon from the game wear a jumpsuit, a morbid tannish brown? That doesn’t seem as creative as you would usually do.”

A very strange smirk played on Waylon’s face, “Trust me, I’m not wearing the jumpsuit. I’m going to wear something more appropriate in contrast to your outfit that would make our team up even more special. Just wait and see.”

Narrowing his eyes, Bane bit his lip and grunted in an acknowledgeable but confused fashion. When he left, Waylon peered in the opposite direction towards one of his henchmen who was sharpening a few blades while watching some older cartoons.

“Vic, mon home, I need you to call Harley and tell her it’s on. Le marié a accepté la proposition.”

The brutish henchman nodded with a smirk and set the weapon he was working on down to grab the phone and started dialing.

Croc laughed, “Oh Bane, let’s see how confident you really are.” --------------------------------------

Today was Halloween and all the adults and kids were about to leave at dusk to get candy and lots of it. Bane had agreed to take part only because of his intriguing colleague was so excited for it.

Designing the suit wasn’t as difficult as Bane imagined it would be. Page was gracious enough to let him use her tailor and offered him some choice options for the costume as well. Trousers which had been worn with patches were apparently a runway fashion once but of course, it never flew past the stage with the judges and it was around his size surprisingly. With a few altercations, it was his and the vest he brought was ripped apart and stitched back to replicate Gluskin’s demented fabrication.

Croc was right when he said he had the perfect haircut for the part as no changes were necessary. He did, however, have to go to Harley Quinn for makeup touches as he wasn’t quite cosmetically savvy as the clown was. With little effort, she managed to make his right side of his face look bloody and deformed from certain angles without the need for any prosthetics. He had to admit he was impressed.

“Damn Bane, you look like the spitting image of Eddie Gluskin! Holy crap! Maybe a bit more ripped than Eddie but you’re really rocking it, like wow dude!” Firefly said as he stared in amazement.

Even the ever stoic Mr. Freeze was wide eyed at the design. “I have to say, I’m a little jealous. Waylon is going to have a field day with this. His costume is quite good too and what he admires in you, you’ll probably admire in him.”

That made Bane pause, “You’ve seen Waylon’s costume?”

“Yes, Ivy, Jonathan and I helped design it. I helped with…certain parts of the costume while Ivy did the layout and sewed the materials with Jon. I have to say even though I’m not particular that fond of men over women, Waylon’s outfit is very sexy. It really emphasizes the curves of his muscles and not to mention does amazing work for his hips.”

That drew a suspicious look from Bane but he didn’t dare question it. Garfield was nodding too which meant he had seen it as well. The chances of them telling him what it was exactly were slim because they knew better than to ruin the surprise.

So Croc was dressed sexy? That usually didn’t fit the man’s ideal in clothing but considering he was in fact a walking, talking crocodile basically, his standards and dignity were pretty lax. No matter what Waylon was in, nobody outside of the Asylum would be paying attention to his attire; they would be more fixated on his appearance and run in fear of being killed than stop to question his clothing choices.

It did make Bane very curious as to what Waylon was wearing. He recalled the video game Outlast was mainly prison-clad bad guys with deformities and blood but nothing really sexy. The character Waylon Park was pursued by the Groom to be his bride but-no, there was no way Croc managed to get a wedding dress. That was insane but why would Waylon do that?

Bane entered the lounge area which only had a couple of Croc’s henchmen with glow in the dark white paint over their armor and faces to resemble skeletons. Even their guns on their hips had bones painted on. He was surprised at their dedication.

“Muchachos, where is Waylon?”

The men gave a snicker seemingly at him and one pointed behind him with his thumb over to the bathroom. There was a laugh from the inside and sure enough, the door swung open and a white gown blood stained and ripped on the right side to somewhat show the scales of Waylon’s leg flowed gracefully as Croc leaned against the frame of the door cockily.

Bane was stunned at the appearance and no words could come to mind to describe his feelings towards it. The strapless top piece seemed to be tight as a corset as he could see some of the muscle underneath the fabric, and the breast area outlined by pearls pushed against Waylon’s pecks and pushed them high enough to give the illusion of actual cleavage. Waylon wore bridal glove with open palms and fingers but was torn to accommodate his arm spikes while his neck held a simple white band as a necklace. The strip that marked the end of the corset and the beginning of the flowing gown was also dowsed in pearls, gripping tightly against the outline of Croc’s hips. The gown itself was mostly intact but the right side had a slit for his leg which supported a rather peculiar garter on his middle thigh. Blood stains were prominent under the breasts to appear like they were operated on and the blood soaked through while a huge blood mark was right on the gown and just above the hip line strip indicating a “forced” fake sex change had occurred, just like Eddie Gluskin would have done. In Croc’s left hand, a video camera was held and on top of his head, a bridal tiara with pearls and silver plus a veil flowing down his neck was there and quite beautiful.

While Bane was more than obviously peering over Waylon’s costume, the mutated man was grinning like a hyena at how he managed to baffle the ex-terrorist. “When I said I had a surprise for you, didn’t think it would be this, did you?”

Bane snapped out of his trance and stuttered, “N-no, I can honestly say…just…whoa!”

Pushing off from his lean, Waylon strode closer to the other man with a very calm reserve. “What can I say, being married to Ivy taught me well.”

“I-I um…you look amazing,” the Hispanic man spoke.

The henchmen on the opposite side of the room giggled and one took a picture with both Waylon and Bane in the picture facing each other. The guard who snapped it whispered, “I am so posting this on Twitter!”

Bane swallowed loud and uneasily as Croc merely blinked slowly, still holding a sweet smile. “You really capture the-the aesthetic of the game. The garter is a-heh a very nice touch.”

“So did you it seems. The garter was last minute because this rip in the gown was actually an accident. My hips were straining against the fabric and one side couldn’t take the pressure, so I had to finish the rip and add something more in tune to what Gluskin would want. The tiara and veil though I could probably do without. That part was Scarecrow’s idea and Freeze, being the one who did my pearl embroidery, was against it,” Waylon purred, taking off the crown.

He threw it to his henchmen and the one who caught it quickly put in on his head and smirked as the others laughed at him. One even tried to grab at the tiara was playfully pushed away by a now sassy royal skeleton-faced guard.

Waylon chuckled before turning back to Bane, “You look like you don’t know how to feel about this. Or maybe you’re starting to realize you like seeing me cross dress. What’s the matter, Bane? Finally confronted with a fight inside you can’t win.”

“Wha-no, no, I am thinking about some things but I’m not-no. Besides I have to ask, is that dress even comfortable? It looks like it’s molded to you.”

Croc clutched the rim of the breast attire and dragged it upward a bit with a wiggle before confidently letting go with a smug pose, “Are you kidding me, this is actually quite comfy and admit it, I make this look good. It has padding and defines my form perfectly.”

Bane raised a brow, “And your dignity?”

“What dignity?” Croc gestured around him and laughed, “Bane, I’m a nine foot plus human being with a skin condition worsened by a military experiment. I used to hate myself for being such a freak but now I see there is nothing to be afraid of. I’m me and if society doesn’t like it, they can kiss my ass. I can do whatever I want now and wearing a dress for a costume is one of them, especially if it gets me what I want. I don’t have a lot of moral standards anymore when it comes to clothing or society norm. At this point, I’m just going with whatever I can pull off. Ha, this dress is actually really comfortable; you should try it.”

“Thank you but I prefer pants over a dress. You actually do look good in a dress, I’ll…um…admit that,” Bane muttered, occasionally glancing down from Croc’s face to the rest of his body when the latter turned his head away to look at his mooks.

As soon as Croc peered back at him, he averted his gaze immediately and resumed making eye contact. Waylon just smiled and played innocent, “Then perhaps you and I should start greeting Gotham and its trick-or-treaters, maybe steal some candy while we’re at it. I heard the more wealthy ones are giving away much more this year like king sized items. Of course, I am hoping we have enough candy to last us until the morning. Maybe we’ll both get a much bigger treat at the end. Who knows?”

“Uh, sure. Lead the way, Croc,” Bane nervously replied, blushing which made the red makeup he wore seemingly glow if not making the rest of his face almost the exact shade of red. Croc’s henchmen still snickered at him as they followed their boss out, protecting him like a pack of wolves.

When Waylon swept past him, he had to hike up his gown a bit to walk and not trip over it. This gave the Hispanic man a much clearer view of the garter and trailing behind the gown was the reptilian tail Bane almost forgot about albeit it was well hidden, curled beneath the gown mostly. He also took not that the dress covering the part of the spine where the tail met made Waylon appear as if he had a rather large rear.

Unbeknownst to him, Waylon knew exactly what he was doing and his grin grew to reveal practically all his teeth. He was Waylon Park to Bane’s Gluskin but apparently, he was the sadistic one. What an interesting reversal of characters. Croc couldn’t wait to see Bane’s resistance in doing something about him crack throughout the night. This was going to be fun.

[stallingdemons]

Hands To Myself

Roughly inspired by Hand to Myself by Selena Gomez.  Just a side note that I really can’t write smut, I feel incredibly weird so I do apologize for the cliff hanger ;)

Can't keep my hands to myself No matter how hard I'm trying to I want you all to myself You're metaphorical gin and juice

I mean I could but why would I want to?

It was convenient that Tom and [Y/N] lived right across the street from one another. It meant that they could just walk over and not have to worry about the awful London traffic. Or even that if they drank a little too much, their home was just a few feet over. It was great. What wasn’t convenient was that Tom and his best mate, Harrison, always, like clockwork played basketball every morning. And [Y/N] had the front row seats with her window facing the cul-de-sac they played on. 

[Y/N] had never been a sexual person. She just kept her hands in her lap and behaved like a good girl but ever since she had starting dating Tom, it was getting a lot harder to maintain the proper ladylike persona her parents had raised her to have. It seemed that even the simplest movements Tom would make would send her senses into overdrive and force her to have the mind of horny thirteen year old boy. And [Y/N] could bet money that Tom had no idea what he was doing to her, he was always such a gentlemen when it came to her personal space. Of course they would cuddle and have make-out sessions but he was always aware of where his hands would be. And [Y/N] loved that for the most part, she was adoring that Tom wasn’t acting out on his hormones and was being respectful of her body because her body wasn’t a piece of property that he could invite himself into whenever he pleased. But, there were days where she wished he would just use all his pent up sexual urges and show her what she did to him. 

And it didn’t help that this morning, Tom was shirtless. The sun was kissing his body and causing every curve and dip of his muscles glisten from the sweat that was covering his upper body. It was a taunt and it was driving her insane. She stood by the window, watching Harrison and Tom play for a few more minutes before she decided that she needed to do something to get the idea of what laid beyond the shorts that were covering the rest of him out of her head. 

Splashing cold water on her face, she looked in the mirror and noticed a small purple mark poking out from her shirt. Wincing, she pulled the collar down to inspect it a little more. She would admit the night before was one of their more friskier nights, Tom had never left a hickey before. It left her flustered and she could bet that seeing Tom this morning made the feelings come back twice as hard. Blowing air out of her mouth, she dug around in her drawer to find some concealer. Even though she was twenty, her parents would freak the hell out that she was engaging in any kind of physical contact with her boyfriend. If she didn’t still live at home, she would have shrugged and went on about her day. 

Dabbing some on until she felt that it was hidden enough, she closed her eyes when she heard the victory yells from Tom. Gripping the counter, she looked at herself. She could feel herself getting hot at the thought of what more could have happened the night before if her parents hadn’t came home so early. Swallowing hard, she told herself to get a grip. 

Walking towards her closet, she threw on some running shorts and a matching sports bra. Reaching around her jacket, she zipped it up halfway. [Y/N] needed to run off her hormones, put something else in her head. Walking into the kitchen to grab a protein bar, she noticed a note from her parents. 

Went shopping at the mall and then going to see a film. After that we’ll be going grocery shopping. Be home right before 6. Send a text if Tom and Harrison will be joining for dinner so I’ll be prepared. xx mom

Plucking the note from the fridge, she laid it on the counter and sent her mother a text saying that most likely Tom and Harrison will be coming over. Four out of the seven days, they normally did. Grabbing a sip of her water, she headed out the door. 

“[Y/N]! Come play with us, Haz needs all the help he can get.” Tom chuckled. 

Walking over towards the two boys who were dripping with sweat, she placed a peck on Tom’s cheek and patted Harrison’s shoulder. “Love to, but I’m going to go run a few miles.” 

“Ew,” Harrison groaned. 

“Ew, yourself.” [Y/N] responded, sticking out her tongue. She turned towards Tom in time to find him rake his eyes over her attire. Biting her lip, she tried to ignore his lingering gaze over her exposed torso. 

“I agree with Harrison, why are you running?” Tom asked, “You could get in your daily exercise right here with me.” He motioned towards the basketball hoop.

[Y/N] really wanted to respond with something inappropriate but decided against it. It was only going to make her situation worse. “I’ll pass, but maybe next time. I’ll see you in an hour.” 

“An hour?! How many fucking miles you plan on running, [Y/N]” Harrison sputtered. 

Shrugging, she started to jog backwards, “However many I can run in an hour, Haz.” Shaking her head, she smiled and blew kisses towards them and turned to face forward and headed off. 

[Y/N] had needed a lot more than an hour to get her mind off of her sexual thoughts about Tom. She had ran for thirty minutes before she slowed to a walk to give her burning legs a rest and in that time, she had made up five million fantasies. All of them ranging from innocent fluffy to extremely fifty shades. After walking for another thirty, she decided to run back to the house. Figuring that Harrison had probably either gone home or knowing that Tom would be spending time with her and went inside to hang out with Sam and Harry. 

Slowing down her pace when she spotted Tom sitting on her porch in the comfy bench her mother had insisted on spending four hundred dollars on. She smiled as she hopped up the steps, “Hey you.” 

Looking up from his phone, Tom smiled back. “Hey yourself. I thought you said you were going to run for an hour? How many miles did you clear?”

Shrugging, [Y/N] unzipped her jacket all the way, fanning herself with her hand. She hated to feel so hot that the only thing she wanted was to peel off her own skin. “I don’t know maybe five or six? I wasn’t tracking it but I reached the fountain and came back.” 

Tom whistled, “Look at you speedy.” He chuckled and got up from the bench to hug her. 

“No, I’m gross.” She whined. 

Pressing a kiss to her forehead, he shook his head. “No, never. Impossible.” 

Trying to ignore the skin to skin contact, she pushed him away and rolled her eyes. Reaching into her hidden pocket for the spare key to her house, she unlocked the front door and walked in. “Did Haz go home or is he with the twins?” 

“The twins,” he responded, following her in. 

“So, he’ll be over for dinner too? I was supposed to tell my mom for sure.” 

Tom shrugged, “I dunno. I’ll ask him,” texting Harrison, he slid his phone back into his shorts pockets. 

Chugging some water to cool down, she tossed him a gatorade. “You going to eat dinner with my parents with just that on?” [Y/N] teased. 

Leaning against the counter, he crossed his arms, the well-defined muscles flexing and tightening made [Y/N] lick her lips. “Are you going to wear that to dinner with your parents?” He squinted his eyes, pushing off the counter, he walked towards her in just four steps. His thumb rubbed against the spot on her neck where she had covered with concealer. “Bloody Hell, your father is going to kill me.” He muttered. 

“What?” 

Tapping your neck, he chuckled. “I’ve given you a hickey. I guess the sweat from your run rubbed the makeup off.” 

Chewing on her lip, she shrugged. “I’ll cover it back up when I get dressed. No big deal, they will never know.” 

“Good because that is not a conversation I want to have with your father.” He shuddered at the thought of being confronted by one of the seriously intimidating men he had ever come to meet. Tom reminisced to the time where he had first met her father, he was ready to piss himself. 

[Y/N] shook her head and laughed, knowing exactly what he was thinking about. She could have keeled over and died from laughing so hard at her father and Tom’s first encounter. She had to reassure Tom that her father really did like him after the first few times and he had even told her that he preferred Tom over her past boyfriends. 

“Hey Tom?”

“Yes, love?”

She fidgeted with the bottom of her jacket, running the zipper up and down causing Tom to look at her with a confused look. “How long have we been dating now?”

Tom tilted his head to the side and did the math in his head. “A little over two years, why?”

“Do you not find me sexually attractive?” 

Tom choked on his spit, completely blind sided by her question. “I’m sorry, what?!”

Avoiding his baffled stare, she sighed. “Am I not sexually appealing? Like, is there a reason why we haven’t had sex?” 

Tom seriously couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of her mouth. He moved in her line of sight, speaking softly, “Hey, look at me.” Waiting until she met him, he smiled softly. “Are you seriously asking me that? If I didn’t find you to be sexy, I wouldn’t have left that hickey on your neck. Of course I find you to be sexy. I find you to be sexy all the time, [Y/N].” 

“Really?” 

“Really.” Tom confirmed, shaking his head at how crazy her question was. He chuckled a little before pressing a kiss to the corner of her mouth. “Have I thought about sex with you? Yes. But I, it’s not, I don’t. Sex isn’t just something we do because it feels good, [Y/N]. I want it to be special, meaningful. We’d be sharing ourselves in a more personal way and I might be ready to do that but you might not be.” Cupping her face, he smiled again. “I would never want to pressure you into something because I don’t have to have sex with you to know that I want to be with you. Is it difficult, yes, especially when you wear things like what you have on now.” His eyes trailed down her and then back, “But, I love you for you not for sex or anything else. It would just be an added bonus.” 

[Y/N] couldn’t help but blush at his words. Again, he was always so respectful. “I love you, Holland.” 

“And I love you, [L/N]” He pulled her into a hug, the kind that she melted into. [Y/N] would swear up and down that Tom had different kind of hugs. And the way he was hugging her now was her all time favorite. It made her feel warm and fuzzy inside, almost like she was completely safe and nothing could harm her all while feeling the love radiate from his body. 

Pulling away a little, she took a deep breath. “What if I’m ready now?” 

Tom’s eye sparkled a little as he studied her expression, “Then I’d plan it to be special.” 

“No, like now.” 

“Now?” Tom asked in surprise. 

“Yes, like right here, right now.” Wincing and giggling lightly, she shrugged, “Or well in my room, not here in the kitchen, that’d be weird. We eat and cook in here.”

Tom pulled apart from her completely, looking her dead straight in the eyes. “You want to have sex right now? Really? Are you sure, [Y/N].” She could tell he was getting flustered, “What if your parents come home? Or Haz decides to just come over? Don’t you think it’d be more special if I had planned it out to be romantic?”

“I love you, Tom, I really do but when has anything you’ve ever planned romantically gone according to plan?” She raised a brow, waiting for him to answer.

“You have a point....”

She grabbed for his hands, “I think it would be special right now. Don’t think I haven’t notice the looks you’ve been giving me when you think I’m not looking. Isn’t passion what makes it special?” 

“Bloody Hell,” Tom mumbled as he ran a hand over his face. “You’re going to kill me, absolutely kill me.” 

[kelzthalassunwhisper]

All the faces! :D

Commander Kelz’thalas Sunwhisper/B’andtherion Version

(`･ω･´) : What does your muse completely gush over? -

Sweets. Absolutely loves them. It’s her way out of the world and to be herself. XD

＿|￣|○ : What situation would your muse give up in? -  

Probably something involved the harm of her family or if her Father asked her to stand down from a situation. 

(｀-´)> : Who does your muse honor the most? -

Her brother, Allasticus. ( @allasticus )

(´；ω；`): What brings your muse into a state ofdepression? - 

A day on the job. It’s absolutely miserable seeing people suffering or fighting against one another. But she knows she’s the only one that can do it. 

ヽ(´ー｀)ﾉ : What calms your muse down? - 

Jewelcrafting. She likes to cut gems and keep her hands busy. Helps to alleviate her stress when she’s got no one to talk to. 

ヽ(`Д´)ﾉ : What irritates your muse the most? - 

I’m pretty sure Kiro alone could take that place on the top. That’s if and when she sees the rogue and they HAVE to interact. Fortunately for her, the feeling is probably mutual.( @unabashedrebel )

(＃ﾟДﾟ) : What does your muse do if they’re angry? -

Train. That’s assuming she’s not drinking, eating sweets, or jewelcrafting. Physical activity always helps when she’s angry. Last time she was mad she burned her apartment nearly down. Oops. :

（ ´Д｀） : Is your muse loud in bed? -

My guess is yes? She doesn’t control the amount of air that goes into her lungs or how her diaphragms expand. So she’s likely to be a screamer just because. Plus her getting laid is... well a miracle in a sense. >.>

（　ﾟДﾟ） : What does your muse do when surprised? -

I think it depends on the type of surprise? Like if it was the Rat King terrorizing Silvermoon, I imagine it would be a series of curses and mobilization of the Guard. If it was a good kind of surprise, like... Happy Birthday or something? She might cry. ( @hmratking )

┐(‘～`；)┌ : When your muse can’t answer something, whatdo they do? -

Shrug. Because that is the initial thing to do. XD She can’t facilitate or offer information for evidence or ideas she doesn’t have. 

（´∀｀） : What could your muse care less about? -

Conforming to the... idea of sexiness. She hardly has time to keep her room clean! XD

（　´_ゝ`） : Who or what is your muse most indifferentabout? -

The Alliance? They are just another faction of people with different ideas.#Neutrality

Σ(゜д゜;) : Is your muse easily scared? -

Uh... not usually. But sometimes people can be surprised. LOL

( ﾟヮﾟ) : When is your muse happiest? - 

When she’s off work :D

キタ━━━(゜∀゜)━━━!!!!! : What does your muse do whenvery excited? -

Thinks about wearing a dress and going to a party. But then realizes that’s not her LOL

⊂二二二（　＾ω＾）二⊃ : Does your muse like to cuddle? -

She won’t admit it. So I guess she needs cuddled to find out.

(　´Д｀)ﾉ(´･ω･`)　ﾅﾃﾞﾅﾃﾞ: Does your muse pat others on thehead? If not, do they get pat on their head? -

She loves patting people on the head. It’s the best way to convey - hey you did a good job today. I imagine her doing this a lot to @thesilkking #Aeraval

(((( ；ﾟДﾟ))): What is your muse terrified of? -

Sharks. They are the devils in the sea.

Σ(ﾟДﾟ): What would your muse be most shocked to obtain? -

Let’s see... 

-A formal surrender from @tursidhion-felomelorn (The Juggernaut)

-News about the @sanguinesorceress and that she’s been stopped from her shenanigans.

-Kiro giving her an apology letter for being him.

-A nude of @revarik (Certainly appalling is the word I’d use here)

-Documentation that the Rat King was incarcerated and that her brothers actually lived normal lives????

( ﾟдﾟ): What amazes your muse? -

How people can remain so stubbornly daft about their surroundings and not credit the Silvermoon Guard for their hard work and achievements - it’s baffling to her. 

(´ー`)y-~~ : Does your muse do any drugs? Smoke? -

She did drugs once. Way back when she was working for House Sunshield and became a Guard again. But it was a coping clutch mechanism. Something to detract from the fact that she got fired at a job.

（ ^_^）o自自o（^_^ ） : How often does your muse drink? -

OFTEN :D

ヽ(´ー`)人(´∇｀)人(`Д´)ノ: How friendly is your muse around new people? -

Eh... average? It depends on how she meets people, and if they are involved in a delicate situation or not. 

('A`) : What does your muse do when they’re alone? -

Uh...sleep.She can always use more.

（´-`）.｡oO( … ) : What does your muse think about a lot? -

What she’s going to do after she quits from the Guard. Places in Azeroth she wants to go, and what she will become. 

(ﾟДﾟ;≡;ﾟДﾟ): Is your muse impatient? -

Yes.While some details require her to be patient with victims and the Magistry, she tends to get anxious and frustrated when she can’t keep up with her workload. Paperwork always brings her down, and she hates how long it takes to get through them. 

( ´д)ﾋｿ(´Д｀)ﾋｿ(Д｀ ): Does your muse enjoy gossiping? -

No.She’s a pursuer of the truth. Gossiping detracts from the truth because of rumors and speculation.

（･∀･)つ⑩ : Does your muse enjoy saving or spending money? Or are they indifferent? -

Indifferent. She doesn’t feel a new to spend or save money. So she gives it away usually or uses it sparingly. 

(ﾟдﾟ): When your muse didn’t expect something, what do they do? -

She tries to handle the situation with professionalism. But most chances she fumbles.

(ﾟ⊿ﾟ) : Is your muse in denial a lot? -

Denial comes and goes. Depends on the situation. 

（・∀・） : Does your muse like to tease people? -

Nope. She treats people with respect where she can, or treats them how they deserve to be treated.

（・Ａ・） : What does your muse consider to be bad? -

Killing. Stealing. Anything that’s marked a crime. :o

(ﾟ∀ﾟ) : If your muse was a drug, what kind would they be? -  

Something potent and not good for your health. LOL

（ つ Д ｀） : When your muse is sad, what do they do? -

Cry. And drink.

♪┏(・o･)┛♪ : Can your muse dance well? -

Yes. Upon becoming Commander, she worked as a guard for a noble house. And well, she developed tact in the dancing department and negotiations.

d(*⌒▽⌒*)b : What makes your muse the happiest they could ever be? -

Peace and Tranquility. Just being away from all the nonsense. 

(╬ ಠ益ಠ): What infuriates your muse to the point they may kill whatever it is? -

Oh jeez. This could be a toss up between @sanguinesorceress and @tursidhion-felomelorn. The Sorceress schemes and does things behind the scenes and Tursidhion is more or less her ... go to onslaught murderer. >.> And they are beyond redemption in the Commander’s eyes. 

(≧ロ≦): Is your muse a screamer in bed? -

I kind of answered this one >.> with the whole loud in bed question. xD

(ΘεΘ;): How much of a tsundere is your muse? - 

Very Tsundere. I can’t think anyone moreso. XD

（‐＾▽＾‐）: What does your muse’s laugh sound like? -

Cameron Diaz’s laugh works for me. :D

┌(；`～,)┐ : What discombobulates your muse? - 

Someone spinning her after she’s drunk? XD I can only think of one person who might do that. @revarik

ε=ε=ε=┌(;*´Д`)ﾉ : How does your muse run? -

I think the Terminator run best sums up how the Commander would chase people down. You don’t want her after you. 

ヽ(´▽`)/ : What does your muse look like when happy? - 

The seriousness just slips away. :D

ヽ(ｏ`皿′ｏ)ﾉ : Is your muse violent when angry? - 

Depends what she’s angry about. But yes, generally she is. Having to be in command and often deal with the bullshit of city politics, she doesn’t have many outlets for her anger. So it can be explosive. 

@starsworn-knight - thanks for the ask :D As you can tell I got tired of looking for gifs LOL

[lalainajanes]

dear laine, i have to know what's going to happen next with caroline working in klaus' bar! sincerely, a devoted reader :)

Back Office Intrigue (Part Two).

Part One here.

It takes a few weeksfor Caroline to realize that something is off at the bar.

She’s settling in toChicago nicely, had spent a weekend stalking garage sales so her apartmentfinally looked like someone actuallylived there. She got a great deal on a little dining table and a set of chairs,couldn’t wait to have people over now that they actually had somewhere to sit. Hermom’s down to a single call filled with alarming crime stats every three days(a marked improvement from her twice daily briefings when Caroline had firstarrived). Her classes are mostly interesting, save for the one with the drone-yprofessor. She figures 3 out of 4 ain’t bad at all. And she actually likes her job.

All in all, life ispretty sweet.

Caroline had been amess internally while preparing to finally move out of Virginia. She’d hadendless lists of worries, sleepless nights filled with anxiety, doubts about ifshe was doing the right thing. It was really nice to know that she’d done it,was well on her way to taking name and kicking ass, that she hadn’t let fearwin.

She feels a littlemore settled, has grown comfortable at the bar and with her coworkers. Maybethat’s why she finally begins to notice the weirdness.

Klaus seems topractically live at work (though Enzo had informed her that wasn’t the case,that Klaus had a very nice place around the corner though he loathedentertaining his siblings so Enzo had only been inside twice). When in the barKlaus spent a lot of time in his office, glued to his laptop or tablet. He didhop onto the floor whenever things got crazy or they were short staffed. Carolineappreciated it, figured it was rare. In all her years working at The Grille shedidn’t think she’d seen the owner even uncap a beer let alone mix anything. Hewasn’t super chatty from what she’d seen but he could turn it on withcustomers, left more than a few ladies discretely tugging their tops down toshow more cleavage when he turned to pull bottles.

He flirted lightlywith them, flashed his dimples and collected their money. Tossed all thenumbers that were not so discretely slipped his way in the garbage at theearliest opportunity. She wondered idly if he was seeing someone, had beenlooking for an opportunity inquire without making it seem like she was anglingto throw her hat into the ring. Enzo wouldn’t let her hear the end of it andRebekah would probably catch wind of it. She’d thawed slightly in the last fewweeks and Caroline had no desire to take any steps back. Caroline’s curiosity aboutKlaus’ relationship status remained unsatisfied.

It bugged her thoughshe refused to look too deeply into whyexactly that was.

Her shift today hadstarted at 2 and it’s been a weird one. Usually the middle of the week is quietand she’s able to sneak some time with her textbooks. There’s been a steadystream of people through the door, every seat filled for most of the night. Arush had just passed and Caroline’s depositing some cash in the till, thankfulit’s over. She fans herself, taking a much needed breath glancing around to surveythe newly empty bar area. Klaus is to her left, finishing up a round of kamikazesfor a group of frat rats, but no other customers are waiting. Something coldnudges her bare arm and Caroline jumps in surprise before taking the offeredbottle of water gratefully. “Thank you,” she tells Sophie, uncapping it andtaking a deep swallow. She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand, “Why inthe world are all these people here at 6 on a Tuesday?”

Sophie shakes her headruefully, “I think there’s a concert nearby. People are pre-drinking.”

Caroline makes a face,doesn’t try to hide her disgruntlement since all the customers are out of earshot. “Ugh, my feet are killing me and I’ve got another two hours to go.”

Sophie elbows her,tipping her head and casting a significant look in Klaus’ direction. Caroline’sa little puzzled by it, raises a questioning brow. Klaus has accepted paymentfor the drinks and he nudges Caroline over to slip it into the register. Hemakes it clear he’s been listening, “You can sit for a minute if you’d like,love. Things look like they’ll be quiet for a stretch.”

She smiles butrefuses. “Thanks, but I’m good. It’s my own fault for wearing new boots. Gottasuffer and break them in.”

Klaus glances down ather feet for a moment, brows furrowed. “I’d comment on how baffling I find theidea that you wouldn’t just buysomething comfortable but I’ll refrain. I have sisters so I realize it’spointless to attempt reason in such situations.”

“Men, socondescending.” She hip checks him gently and he tosses her a mock glare, “There’sa reason we steal your clothes, you know. It’s because they’re just madecomfier than ours. Probably because men are giant whiny babies.”

He rolls his eyes butit’s good natured and Caroline catches Sophie’s shocked face, notes her tenseposture. Klaus is busy checking the float level so she mouths, ‘What?’ behindhis back, wondering what’s got the other bartender so freaked looking. Sheshakes her head frantically, grabbing up one of the rags and turning away topainstakingly wipe the bar when Klaus steps back. His eyes don’t shift in herdirection, however, so her diligent cleaning goes unnoticed. “I’m going to graba couple cases from downstairs. We’re low.”

Caroline’s tempted tooffer to help (sue her, she likes to watch his forearms flex while he liftsheavy things) but she wants to know what’s got Sophie, a ball buster from NewOrleans who’s completely unafraid to smack down creepers or rowdy groups, sospooked more.

Even though Klaus iswearing really good jeans.

He walks away andCaroline manages to wait until he’s turned the corner before she sidles over toSophie, grabbing her arm. “What is your deal?”

“My deal?” Sophietosses the rag down, crossing her arms. “I wanna know what kind of blackmailyou have on Klaus. He offered to let you sit! You called him a whiny baby andhe didn’t immediately fire you. Come on. Is it some kind of sex tape? I bet he’sinto the freaky stuff.”

Caroline blinks(forcing her brain to focus and notto wander down the path of contemplating Klaus and any variety of sexy times). “Hewas just being nice?” she finally says.

That only makes Sophiemore incredulous. “Klaus Mikaelson isn’t nice,”she insists. “Ever. I have seen him make at least a half a dozen servers cry. Acouple of customers too.”

Huh. Caroline couldmaybe picture it. Klaus was sometimes a little… intense. He was a perfectionist(not that Caroline had any room to judge) and she’d always gotten the vibe thathe missed absolutely nothing. “He’s always seemed fine to me. Not warm andcuddly but not a full on despot either.”

“He is a despot. The worst of them. I half expected him toberate you for complaining while you’re raking in tips. Remind you of where thedoor was, that he’d have no problem filling your job.”

“If you hate him somuch why do you work here?”

Sophie shrugs, “Goodlocation, killer tips. And I’m actually good at this so he leaves me alone aslong as I keep my mouth shut and work my ass off.”

A woman approaches,drawing Caroline’s attention. She orders wine and Caroline’s glad it’ssomething easy because her mind is whirling, turning over the new info. Sophie’snot the drama llama type, she’s blunt and doesn’t mince words. Carolinebelieves what she’s been told. Several other things, observations, are clickinginto place. The bar’s always quieter when Klaus is behind it, the usual banterand jokes between the staff absent. She’d noted it, figured it was just becausehe was the boss. It also explains all of Rebekah’s snide little remarks, Enzo’sconcerned inquiries into how she was finding working for Klaus.

Why, Carolinewondered, was he only nice to her?

She feared the answerwas going to make thing complicated even as she was secretly thrilled thatmaybe her quickly brushed aside thoughts about Klaus – his forearms, his lips,what he liked to do in his down time – might not be entirely one sided.

Now the question was –what did she do about it?

[trendingnewsb]

5 Stupid Things We Need To Stop Clicking On

We are living through the final gasps of the Information Age. Experts estimate that 62 percent of all information we now receive is deliberately false, and that includes the percentage and experts I made up at the start of this sentence. The sad truth is, most of you will never have the critical thinking or research skills to know what’s real, and that will only make you more sure about the wrong things your stupid ass believes. The good news is that this article isn’t about that shit. The fake news fight is over, and stupid won. No, this article is about the dumb things we all keep falling for — even you, the genius who chose the right political side and religion.

5

Pointlessly Insane Products Are Not That At All

Last year, Tiffany & Co. started selling the Sterling Silver Tin Can, an empty can that costs $1,000. You’ll notice that this is far more than you’d normally pay for soupless garbage. To be clear, this wasn’t some tin can that once held Prince’s final green beans. It’s only a can. As an artistic statement, it was 50 years stale, and as a money-making scheme, it was somewhere between a portable diarrhea box and that same product without a lid. It’s the kind of idea that would make the other Saved By The Bell writers say, “Look, if you’re not ready to come back to work, take more time off to deal with the death of your son.” The point I’m making is that it’s hard not to comment on Tiffany’s silly can, and that’s more appealing to Tiffany & Co. than when we comment on how the people who mined their products all died of slavery.

“Darling, I was part of many souls transcending penetration to transform a utilitarian men’s room into an installment of signature Tiffany oeuvre.” — this Tiffany copywriter explaining to his wife why there are seven colors of pubic hair in his underpants

Read Next

8 Baffling Poop-Themed Toys Kids Are Lining Up To Buy

And it’s not only tin cans and Wu-Tang albums that are marketed in intentionally strange ways. Food advertisers have figured out that they can get more attention by being ridiculous than by being delicious. Remember when KFC used fried chicken as sandwich bread in the Double Down? Or when Chick-Fil-A announced that their fried chicken hated gay people with the Cajun Titty Jiggler? We all made fun of them, but they absolutely did not care. These are people turning pigeon meat and “deported” foreign nationals into nugget shapes. They’ll take any press they can get.

We need to stop doing this. It’s very possible the only conversation any of us had or will ever have about Dr. Pepper came when they released a special version of their soda for men only. We all went on Twitter to say things like, “Forbidding women from tasting Dr. Pepper Ten will only delay the discovery that it’s made from semen, not stop it completely.” We asked questions like, “Why would you make a soda for men only? Are you trying to find the perfect drink to pair with losing custody of your kids?” Or maybe you simply speculated, “Dr. Pepper Ten sounds like the refreshing treat you reach for when defending an accused rapist you haven’t met.”

SORRY LADIES, OUR CREATIVE DIRECTOR IS STILL DEALING WITH SOME CHILDHOOD TRAUMA INVOLVING PENISES.

Products should make the customer happy, not be so deliberately dumb that the customer hears about them during a Jimmy Kimmel monologue. You shouldn’t make every tenth new Oreo out of cat suppository in the desperate hope that cookie influencers tweet about it. And pizza, you especially need to get your shit together.

In 2012, a Pizza Hut employee happened upon the idea of a hot-dog-stuffed crust, quite by accident, when his manager caught him fucking a pizza and demanded an explanation. This marked the last time there would ever be a non-insane pizza invention. Today, pizza marketing is a series of deranged innovations, like a serial killer’s journey toward becoming the Minotaur. For instance, Pizza Hut created “smart” shoes that place an order for you. Aside from getting the elderly to wonder what they’re going to come up with next, what the fuck good do pizza shoes do anyone? If you have a use for ordering Pizza Hut via shoe, your foot is going to fall off from diabetes long before you get to do it a second time.

And did you know that Domino’s spent millions of dollars promoting something called “carryout insurance?” It’s what it sounds like — a financial guarantee that when your sloppy ass drops a pizza, they give you another one. Aside from getting us to mention how dumb that is, what’s the point? Was there a community of fat idiots eating pizza off the ground and demanding their representatives do something? Let’s say it’s just to set your mind at ease. Let’s pretend you’re thinking about ordering Domino’s, but decide against it because you’re always dropping pizza. Will this convince you? Of course not. You’re not even here. You were taken in the night by mad scientists, and now you’re a lump of brain tissue labelled “HISTORY’S SADDEST FUCK.”

“CARRYOUT INSURANCE!? Hey, boss? Yeah, I just found a loophole that gives me unlimited floor pizza. So what I’m saying is you can kiss my ass.“

4

All Things “Of The Year” Are Arbitrary Decisions Made By Small Teams Of Random Assholes

We are living in the darkest of times. Our current sexiest man alive looks like a rectangle who makes its living hustling milk-drinking contests.

“I’m digesting four gallons of Half & Half. Hi, I’m Blake Shelton, your sexiest man alive.”

When People magazine announced hoedown music standout Blake Shelton as the sexiest man alive while Casper Van Dien was still not dead, it hit like a bomb. Every Twitter account and Safeway express lane had a hot take on it. It wasn’t merely controversial; it was a direct challenge to what vaginal lubrication even meant. What will it do to society if passably handsome NASCAR dads are the new standard of sexy? Do we need to stop doing sit-ups? Will there be enough denim?

What will Casper Van Dien do with this boner?

You know what we should have been doing that whole time? Not giving a shit about how handsome Blake Shelton is. Don’t get me wrong, Blake Shelton is alright. His condoms probably don’t expire, and if he was arrested for sodomizing a dairy cow, you’d think “Him?” But let’s not play games. He’s not the sexiest man alive. At best, he’s “Oklahoma’s Hottest Mostly Ham DNA.” But we should remember that this isn’t some great honor decided by measuring the gonad stimulation of test subjects. “Sexiest Man Alive” is picked by four or five editors desperately trying to hang onto print media jobs, and every now and then one of them is smart enough to say, “What if we trolled everyone?” With all respect to Blake Shelton’s fuckability, if you died trying to teach a prosthetic arm how to give a handjob, the People staff would write your name up on the “Sexiest Man Alive MAYBES” board.

It’s important to keep in mind how meaningless these titles are before we get outraged. Before Donald Trump, Time gave its 2006 “Person of the Year” title to You, as in the second-person pronoun. And in 1938 they gave it to Hitler, the Donald Trump of 1938. These are meaningless choices meant to inspire terrible conversations between uninteresting people. Did you think LaTonya from Fayetteville was chosen as Jet ‘s “Beauty of the Week” because of her winning tits and smile? Wake up. It’s because her face tattoo says “Abortion is Bae.” Please, all of us, we have to stop getting outsmarted by the Jet magazines of the world.

3

It’s Not An Event When Fictional Characters Die

In 1992, DC Comics killed Superman — an invincible ventriloquist with laser eyes, frost breath, and chronosphere-bending flight speed — with a rock monster who was pretty good at punching. Despite it being the third time he had died, the country went into mourning and the story was picked up by the actual news. Which was weird, because if the media wanted to cover upsetting Superman stories, where were they when his girlfriend got turned into a pony and fucked his horse?

I think about this every day. Every day.

Why are we so obsessed with fictional deaths? Most of the time, they’re not even real in the make-believe universe in which they happen. Captain America and Batman die around 20 times a year, each in different combinations of fake-outs, resurrections, and universe reboots. If a dead guy’s best friends own a time machine and the Eye of Agamotto, you can probably hold off on making funeral plans. And if your favorite character dies on The Walking Dead, maybe don’t waste an hour watching Chris Hardwick cry until you see the body.

It should help you relax knowing that most fictional deaths are only abusive pranks, but the “real” ones are about as meaningless.

I mean, you knew there wasn’t going to be any more Firefly. This death cost us maybe two wisecracks.

Remember when Han Solo died? He was a 73-year-old laser gun fighter scheduled to get his own movie in three years. His death was both long overdue and completely inconsequential to the amount of Han Solo you will continue to see on your TV. His father-in-law, Darth Vader, was on screen for about 36 minutes before he died in 1983, and since his death, there have been more Anakin Skywalker stories than anyone could ever want. Anakin Skywalker is the Nicolas Cage of outer space. He stopped making good movies three decades ago, yet he’s still everywhere and radiating inexplicable cosmic energy.

If George R. R. Martin went on TV to announce that a meteor hit Westeros between books and everyone in A Song Of Ice And Fire is gone, how is that different from the world you’re living in now? The guy has clearly wanted to focus more on snacks for about four books. You know what’s sadder than seeing Ned Stark get his head chopped off? Watching some fragile-hearted slob go through the stages of grief in a YouTube video afterwards. Parents, if your child is filming themselves weep over a make-believe death, that’s a bigger failure than if your child is filming themselves pee into a tube sock for Patreon supporters. I mean, you can do whatever you want, but when you cry over fake people whom you can still see every day for as long as you want, you’re only sending a message to the people around you that you’re a dramatic piece of shit. But I know something that will cheer you up!

2

Being Special Is Free

That’s right, I said it.

You’re welcome.

It’s pretty easy to sell someone nothing more than the idea that they’re special or important for actual money. For example, somewhere right now, a Todd is looking through a rack of keychains to see if they have one with his name on it. “I hope they have a Todd,” he might announce as he thumbs through dusty garbage. “They do! And it’s spelled right!” So Todd will buy it, a cute reminder of the worst store in the least interesting part of a city he once visited, and it will never occur to him that an Indonesian factory gambled and won that a completely shitty Todd would one day pay money to remind himself of his own name. This next part is way off-topic, but not even the Indonesians could have foreseen that this keychain would one day be used to frame Todd …

… for Toddslaughter.

Back to the point I was trying to make: We are all susceptible to this crap. Coke had its first sales increase in more than a decade when it introduced the idea of adding the customers’ stupid fucking names to their cans and bottles. And the internet has been haunted by ego-stroking personality quizzes and IQ tests since before we used it to pay girls peeing into tube socks. We are so desperate to be told we’re special that we will suspend all disbelief and critical thinking to hear it. You should know that answering a few simple personality questions does not make you the coolest ninja turtle, and you shouldn’t trust the scores of an IQ test that you watched yourself cheat on which also advertises free Slavic women and four new pounds of dick girth.

One of my favorite examples of this, and favorite things in general, is an online community called Intertel — “An International Society of the Intellectually Gifted.” It’s very difficult to get in. You can only join if you score in the top 1 percent of any self-administered intelligence test and mail in a $10 application fee. You may have considered that this in fact checks to see whether you’re stupid enough to mail in a test with a 98 percent score or less and nothing else. If you get accepted, you then pay a $39 annual fee to be a part of a genius club for people who are very specifically not. What do you get? I’m so glad you asked. For the annual fee, you get unlimited pity and the right to post a photo and bio about your unusually gullible self. It has created an avalanche of unearned ego that looks like a late ’90s Casper Van Dien fan page whose webmaster went mysteriously missing.

Image courtesy of the estate of the Casper Van Dien Fan Page & Genius Community webmaster.

OK, no, but seriously, this next image is a real screenshot from the Inertel (An International Society of the Intellectually Gifted) website. This is a real person who really thinks he’s in the 1 percent of intellectual elites, and this is his real profile.

I didn’t doctor this. This is what an actual genius named BigJim369 pays $39 a year to display. Fuck! This world is magic and you get to live in it!

Another business that exploits your love of yourself on a massive, sprawling scale is the pop-up museum industry. The name implies that there are things to do or learn inside them, but they’re more like oversized photo booths than art galleries. For instance, if you take a trip to the zany, world-famous Museum of Ice Cream, you will learn zero to one things about ice cream and eat ice cream worth $45 less than the entry ticket. What you will do is wait in line to take photos of yourself next to what you’d describe in any other context as “nothing of interest.” So to be clear, we are so self-obsessed that it’s now an effective business model to charge us money to take pictures of ourselves so we can promote you online.

You didn’t fool ME, Museum of Ice Cream. But my family loved it. Five stars.

1

Stop Making It Seem Like There Are Nazis

OK, so the world has enough idiot racists to elect Donald Trump president, but not all of those voters were full white supremacists. Some of them were simply too religious to know when someone is lying or too old to change their mind about politics. And yes, a troubling number of them were Nazis. But in a lot of ways, most things are fine and the world isn’t as awful as you think.

You’re welcome again.

Impossibly shitty people, like the Trump supporters who took that Garfield mug personally, seem like they’re everywhere. A lot of that is our fault — the decent people making fun of them. They use us to amplify their voices, like Han Solo (R.I.P.) convincing a hallway of Stormtroopers that he’s way more people than he actually is. Every few minutes, a website publishes a variation on the article “These Miserable Fucks Said Something Racist About A Thing And Got Annihilated By Twitter.” They’re fun and vaguely heroic, but if you read more than one, you’ll start to see that they all share the same content. It’s the same three or four racist tweets quoted in every article, tweeted by the same three or four racists who “attacked” the Star Wars with the Asian girl and “staged boycotts” of the all-lady Ghostbusters. We need to stop treating these three or four people like they’re a threat to anything other than skewing PornHub’s algorithm to favor mother-son incest.

BREAKING NEWS: Local high school’s least-likable prick still making quite a spectacle out his irrelevant awfulness.

Here’s a reassuring fact: A study of Reddit found that 1 percent of communities were responsible for 74 percent of all conflict. We are taking the intentionally ignorant comments of a Kia’s worth of debate club hobbyists and pretending they’re a tidal wave of hate we must stand together against. The “alt-right” movement is 30 boys too cranky to date and too slow to learn Dungeons & Dragons. Their supporters are a toxic group of gamers who will disappear once they turn 17, and their media outlet is a cable network whose entire audience will be dead in two more flu seasons. All these people want is for the other side to get upset, so if we stop writing thinkpieces about the rise of dapper white nationalism and focus more on how liberals hate suicide cults, we can be rid of them almost immediately.

BREAKING NEWS: C-word who only tweets C-wordy antisemitic things DOES!

Ann Coulter is a good example. She’s the skeletal remains of antique intolerance, and she has about as much cultural influence as Corey Feldman’s band, Oral Thrush and the Yeast 2000s. Has she ever done anything other than hiss wrong things at impatient TV personalities or pretend that clinical antisemitism is antisemitic comedy? She only seems like she is a thing because 10,000 of us dunk on the bitch every time she blames her oral thrush on the Jews. Without all of us explaining to each other how wrong she is, Coulter would just be wandering through Home Depot to see if there are any white employees she can ask about the toilet safety rails. And soon she would be hatching spider eggs in her mouth while her parakeet watched her body rot. “Rawk! The Jews are at it again!” it would repeat to her undiscovered corpse. “The Jews are at it again!”

We all seem to get how dumb it is when the news says “teens” are doing a comically apeshit thing like human centipede parties or detergent eating. Why can’t we use those same giant brains to figure out how one Nazi nerd looking for attention isn’t “the Right”? I know it’s tough to resist trolls, but Kim Kardashian owning all the world’s money should have taught you that there is virtue in shutting the fuck up about some things. We need to stay strong not in the battle against the “alt-right,” but in the battle to ignore them. The next time you see another column about how women won’t date conservative men, leave it alone. Let those dickless Nazis keep writing versions of that article into the empty void until they learn evil causes women to dry up. And the next time someone on your Facebook thread defends their Second Amendment rights after a school shooting, don’t validate their child murder fandom with attention. Move your cursor to the left and click on their mother’s profile. Pose as Blake Shelton, win her moist trust, and quietly destroy that child-murderer’s family. Every one of us can shut up and make a difference.

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