#there are more thoughts istg but this is basically the tl;dr (lmao) version

[blue-ravens]

Thoughts on the life you save maybe?

oh FUCK okay. that gifset earlier really unleashed more shrimp emotions and you're about to get them. and i'm going to warn you now the second i get that script in the post i'm going to be obnoxiously unstoppable.

when you have a character like charles in this show, that more or less served as the foil to the main character, that was the b plot antagonist, the character that lived to be brought down a few pegs for comedic effect, and then you turn around and give him character beats like this episode, it's a risky bet. his arc over the last six seasons could have paralleled that of frank in the first five, little depth, the punching bag, the personification of what the show was pointing and laughing at.

but

somewhere along the line you start getting little tiny glimpses at the man behind the curtain. before you've even realised it, suddenly he's a little more... human. and the thing about that is, we as the audience seem to be the only ones who get to see that. which i think is a great writing choice (if it were ever deliberate), because it really does speak to how aloof and emotionally distanced and separate in most senses he is as a character to the rest of them. the whole thing with the accent just cements it, that was an insane acting choice that didn't have to be made but *was*. so up until this point you get teeny tiny little hints about who he really is as a person compared to the performances he puts on for everyone else, and oh my god he's grown on you, right? by this point in the showmhe's so much more than the insufferable asshole that arrived in s6.

(going to put the rest under a cut cos this just went places)

and in this ep.... so much of it happens in front of us and no one else. when he finds the bullet holes in his cap, no one else in the room notices. the conversation with the soldier, bj DOES notice this but he catches only part of it and then proceeds to yell at him for being ghoulish later on. margaret can see something's wrong and attempts to reach out but ends up yelling at him for fidgeting with the cap he won't stop carrying around. potter all but dismisses it. i think it was said in another post that the choices of who interacted with him was very pointed and deliberate. not having hawkeye or mulcahy (no one mentioned sidney the entire episode which i feel is seriously telling) try was something i didn't realise until then, because that, narratively, would have pointed the episode in the same direction as many of the episodes with a similar theme would have gone, and for charles that would not have worked.

the part that sticks out at me, though, is the monologue with the jeep. rizzo being the silent observer while pulling the thing apart while charles sits in it, cap in hand, talking about death and being unable to put people back together like a jeep, and you have to just think that if it were you hearing those things being said, what the hell would you do. someone said the words passively suicidal, and i think that's the perfect way to describe it. like, what he says to potter on the phone, would that not concern you to a degree that something is seriously wrong? would that be so easy to dismiss and let run it's course? and i've said so before, but it'd be interesting to know what actually happened after that phone call, and what happened after he left the aid station, and what happened after and after and after but we don't get that. the story ends and that's really how it goes. it's clear that IF sidney was brought up that there'd be little chance charles would be willing to sit down and have that resolution, because we know from earlier there's a lot of trauma for him concerning psychiatry from a young age. and AGAIN that's a thing only WE know. and while it's not stated clearly the two things (the loss of his brother, being sent to a whole chorus line of psychiatrists at the age of 8, and this, i suppose you can say, relapse) are inextricably linked.

and it's never addressed again!

i can't stop thinking about how it's never brought up again. it ends, and that's where it ends. and if there's one thing about this show, it's that trauma never ends, it's always present, like a secondary character. and what i think stands out MOST is that he's the only one carrying it. most of everything they go through is shared weight between them all, but i guess with him coming from a place where burdens and deep dark secrets are carried alone without complaint or protest that that wasn't ever going to change overnight. and the the show must go on, same as it ever was. the closing shot of the hat being left at the aid station is some kind of closure for the episode itself, but we all know it's really not.

(i think i'd have to veer off a sec and make a comparison with what happens in gf&a, because it's the breakdown you do not see coming. the storyline is so subtly paralleled (see also 'dreams', but that's another essay entirely) with that of hawkeye's. in hawk's case it's the one you see coming a mile away. it's outward, it's dramatic, it's very public and everyone stops what they're doing and steps in in their own way. in charles' case... it sneaks up on you. you're distracted, and it takes you by surprise. and you're the only one who sees it. kellye was the only one present when he finds out about the musicians, but after that, nothing more is said by anyone else. the fact he stands up in front of everyone at the farewell dinner and says what he says, and no one even remarks on it. he has never told anything so personal and painful to that many people before. that was the saddest part of the whole episode for me, it really was. it was as if his continual decision to remain detached and removed from everyone paid off in the worst way possible, no one could see past the polished exterior he fought so hard to present at all times to notice the broken, flawed and the very human person who needed so much help behind it.)

there really wasn't much actually going on in the episode itself but it added so much to literally everything we really knew about his character. we know he lost a brother as a child. we know that he's so very close to and so VERY protective of his younger sister, we know that he's so very concerned with how he's perceived and living up to every insane and impossible expectation put upon him and worrying about falling short and being less than perfect at every turn. we know how hard it will be for him to actually come to terms and properly deal with what happened to him before and what's currently happening to him. we know how isolated and remote his childhood was. WE know this. but no one else does. and how it ends... he knows NOW what he's going back to. he does, and we do. the world's a beast of a burden and all those little things sprinkled here and there throughout the show, it adds up, and this episode, i think, just gives us all some indication how heavy that burden is.

i suppose you can say, this episode was a risk that paid off in so many ways. it was deliciously acted, written, and directed, and every second of it was utterly compelling. it wasn't an attempt to make him pitiable, it just really brings into focus how much of a three dimensional and more real character he grew to be.