#there are like 15 versions of this post at this point none of them work

[notthestarwar]

having Jango thoughts on this night

“Your worst sin is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing.”―Fyodor Dostoevsky crime & punishment

(Keep coming across new quotes that make me think about Jango but with this already being soooo long and also the image descriptions not working properly I've decided to try this again with multiple shorter ones split in to themes. Part 1 is here.)

i just… what if you were a man and everything that could have gone wrong went wrong, time and time again. and it happened to you so many times, at such defining points in your life, as you were growing, that it made you in to everything you never wanted to be.

what if you couldn’t allow yourself to feel, what if you ran from yourself and in doing so, were numb to the consequences of your denial. were ignorant of who you were becoming. what if you rationalised the terrible. what if you convinced yourself you were right because to face that you are wrong, that you could be better, is too painful

what if you started on this path, inadvertently. the worst happened to you and you didn’t deserve it. but the person you became after that tragedy, was someone that maybe did deserve each tragedy after it. what if you were your own worst enemy. what if it didnt have to be like this, but it always would have been like this, because this is who you are now.

what if your whole life was defined by surviving the people you loved. what if you kept surviving the unsurvivable, and it left you alone, everytime. what if you could never move past that loss. the grief is a haunting. you should have died and you didnt.

what if nobody hates the man you have become more than yourself. what if you are everything you hate. what if you walk a path of self destruction trying to destroy the person you have become, trying to find the death that escaped you, and until you find that end, everyone else is only collataral damage

what if the person you could have been, in a better world, haunts you. what if you know that those that you grieve, would hate the man you’ve become, the person that loss made you. what if your love for your family, for your people, was corrupted, twisted beyond recognition. something good, made horrific.

what if the idea of facing any of this, the idea of allowing yourself to be something that could once again be loved, terrified you. what if you work to destroy the possibility. what if there was a way out, there were 100 ways out, but you never would allow yourself to take any one. what if, you hurt those that tried to love you, because you couldn’t stand the vulnerability

[and its not letting me insert alt text so i’m gonna reblog with an addition with the desc. plus additional sources i’ve found for some of them that were missing from the og posts]

image descriptions below

what if people want to tell themselves you are a bad man, something evil. less than a person, only a monster. but really, the very worst thing about you is how overwhelmingly human you are. how you are a person that in kinder world, might have been good. how even here, you are still so very human, all of your worst cruelties are fueled by fear. you stand as an example: of something that every person can become. a horror that lives in each of us, a person who does the unimaginable, because it is easier than trying to be good. a person who takes one mistep, and then another, and finds themselves running down a hill.

- LINE BREAK-

 tumblr post by longsightmyth Here’s the thing I keep trying to articulate and possibly failing: I don’ actually mind characters who are terrible people. I have enjoyed many. What I mind is characters who are terrible people while the narrative keeps trying to say that they are wonderful, often contradicting what the narrative shows us, with no self awareness

tumblr post by exilley “Doomed by the narrative” is sexy and all but i think the narrative wanting to save a character who is utterly set on dooming themselves isnt as much of a thing and it’s so good as a concept antigonick 5d ago

“Your worst sin is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing.” -Fyodor Dostoevsky, Crime and Punishment

“1. Man is a MORAL animal. 2. You can get human beings to do anything-IF you convince them it is moral. 3. You can convince human beings anything is moral.” - Frank Bidart, excerpt of “In the Ruins”, in Half-Light

“ Why does tragedy exist? Because you are full of rage. Why are you full of rage? Because you are full of grief.“ -Anne Carson (Translator), Grief Lessons

tumblr post by supreme-leader-stoat “This story is a tragedy because it didn’t have to end this way.” “This story is a tragedy because it was always going to end this way.” addition by veliseraptor #the best: this story is a tragedy because #there were SO many ways it could have gone differently #but the very fact of the characters” natures precluded any option but the tragedy 

tumblr post by manywinged  obsessed with the concept of being haunted by yourself addition by manywinged  maybe you were someone you hate now, and that person remains a cold hand on your shoulder that says you do not deserve this. perhaps you had to destroy yourself and become someone else to escape something worse - but now they hang over you like a shroud. you abandoned me. everyone did, but you - you were all i had, and you left me to rot. maybe the life you could have had was taken from you-and isn’t that a death of sorts? - and now it shadows your every step. you keep moving further away, but it follows. there’s a ghost after you, and it wears a frighteningly familiar face.

tumblr post by louisegluckpdf  best kind of character is ‘guy that didnt die when he should have’ (quotes) “To live past the end of your myth is a perilous thing.”  Anne Carson “I survived myself, my death and burial were locked up in my chest.” Moby Dick, Herman Merville

Walter White: I’ve been to my oncologist, Jesse. Just last week. I’m still in remission. I’m healthy. Jesse Pinkman: That’s good. Great. Walter White: No end in sight. Jesse Pinkman: That’s great. Walter White: No. I missed it. There was some perfect moment that passed me right by, but I had to have enough to leave them. That was the whole point. None of this makes any sense if I didn’t have enough. And it had to be before she found out. Skyler. It had to be before that. Jesse Pinkman: Perfect moment? For what? To drop dead? Are you saying you want to die? Walter White: I’m saying that I lived too long. You want them to actually miss you. breaking bad, fly, dir. rian johnson

“I am someone who did not die when I should have died.” anne carson

tumblr post by: autisticandroids  many problems are caused by the mindset that the world is divided into good people and bad people and the bad people can be “found out” and removed, eventually leading to a utopia containing only good people. addition by: andromeda3116  “It was much better to imagine men in some smokey room somewhere, made mad and cynical by privilege and power, plotting over brandy. You had to cling to this sort of image, because if you didn’t then you might have to face the fact that bad things happened because ordinary people, the kind who brushed the dog and told the children bed time stories, were capable of then going out and doing horrible things to other ordinary people. It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone’s fault. If it was Us, then what did that make Me? After all, I’m one of Us. I must be. I’ve certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We’re always one of Us. It’s Them that do the bad things.” –Jingo, by Terry Pratchett

And all of my devotion turns violent (according to google, from boyish by japanese breakfast)

“You are shaking fists & trembling teeth. I know: You did not mean to be cruel. That does not mean you were kind.” (google says: Venetta Octavia “the burning”)

“What a thing, to be both starving and empty. To ache for love- to take the scraps from it’s table, and yet, run sickly from the feast. You can’t fathom why I’d gobble your kisses but duck your attention, please. Understand- Some of us have gone so long hungry, the idea of being full feels worse than the affliction. (LOVE DISORDERS AND OTHER OLD HEARTACHES, by Ashe Vernon)

I was far too scared to hit him But I would hit him in a heartbeat now  That’s the thing with anger it begs to stick around So it can fleece you of your beauty And leave you spent with nowt to offer  It makes you hurt the ones who love you (google says: sam fender-seventeen going under)

Ivy Walker: Sometimes we don’t do things we want to do so that others won’t know we want to do them.

To feel anything deranges you. To be seen feeling anything strips you naked. In the grip of it pleasure or pain doesn’t matter. You think what will they do what new power will they acquire if they see me naked like this. If they see you feeling. Anne Carson, Red Doc

Tumblr post by: ivipite

“came back wrong” this “lived wrong” that, what about dying wrong. my death will forever cling to you, leaving behind a slimy trail and a metallic taste in your mouth. my soul will forever drag you down like the heavy corpse of a long-dead god, who somehow still grants wishes. you can’t tell which one of us is the one not letting go. you know not even your own death will end this.

post by: papayajuan2019  cruelty is so easy. youre not special for choosing it

post by:mycannibalromance (quotes)

even if you don’t have something anymore, you can be defined by its absence Joan Tierney, free range angel produce

And I want to go home But I am home mountian goats riches and wonders

In a field I am the absence of field. This is always the case. Wherever I am, I am what is missing Mark straind, keeping things whole

the expurgation of a neon sign and the team’s prov sions of the house’s powerful ability to exorcise any and all things from its midst.“F Mark z danielewski house of leaves

But here I touch an open wound: my memory. -rosario castellanos memorandum on tiatelolco tr. maureen ahern

-end of description-

[aroaceleovaldez]

Hi, i was looking on multiple websites and i couldnt find any specific camp halfblood scedules for all the demigods, or at least none of them matched up to each other.

Do you have a version or even your own idea of how the days work? ( bcs ur ideas are usually pretty good lol)

Thanks!

My interpretation of it was always that each demigod has an individual schedule, probably tailored to their specific training needs and if they're a year-round camper or summer-only and whatever else may play into that. So each camper would get an individual schedule. I also generally presume that campers will generally have similar or the same schedules as their siblings within their cabin, like for example all the Apollo kids may go to archery together, all the Demeter kids may go to pegasus riding, etc etc.

Adding a read-more here cause this got very long - Beyond this point, here there be lists from canon of camp activities:

So we know some of the general activities available that they might participate in. Percy goes over a couple in Sea of Monsters:

And in PJO: The Ultimate Guide (ghostwritten by Mary-Jane Knight, fun fact!) we also get Percy's camp schedule over the course of a week (only weekdays - presumably campers get the weekends off). I can't get a scan of it currently, but his schedule includes (roughly verbatim) (it uses military time which i don't feel like translating right now cause I'm too dyslexic):

Breakfast and cabin inspection (Every morning 8-9)

Ancient Greek (Every morning 9-10:30)

Lunch prep (Monday), Store checks (Tuesday), Cleaning stables (Weds), Picking strawberries (Thurs), Polishing armor (Fri) (10:30-11)

Archery (Mon), Javelin throwing (Tues), Sword skills (Weds), Monster assault techniques (Thurs), Pegasus riding (Fri) (11-Noon)

Greek mythology (Every day 12-12:30)

Lunch (12:30-13:30)

Weapon-making (Mon), Ride the rapids (Tues), Tracking skills (Weds), Wrestling (Thurs), Volleyball (Fri) (13:30-15:30)

Letters home (Mon), Cabin clean-up (Tues), Laundry (Weds), Wood-chopping (Thurs), Firework-making (Fri) (15:30-17:00)

Free time (17:00-18:00)

Dinner (18:00-19:00)

Volleyball league (Mon), Unarmed combat (Tues), Archery knockout (Weds), Trials of strength (Thurs), Capture the flag (Friday) (19:00-21:00)

Campfire singalong (21:00-22:00)

There are notes as well that: Cabin inspections are carried out by senior camp counselors in rotation (which we've seen in the books), Ancient Greek and Greek Mythology are taught by Chiron and Annabeth, Sword-fighting is in the arena, Weapon-making is at the forge with the Hephaestus cabin, Archery is taught by Chiron (which again we know from the books - see the excerpt from SoM), Wrestling is with Clarisse, and Dog-handling (not featured above) is with Mrs. O'Leary.

Based on what we know from the books, it seems like the post-dinner activities are general for all campers and are slightly more opt-in. Maybe it's a matter of campers are encouraged to participate in at least one after-dinner activity a week, but if they don't wish to they can just spectate instead. I'm presuming the activities immediately before free time/dinner are also shared by all campers, probably in rotation though so that hopefully all of CHB isn't doing their laundry at once. I'm also going to presume that certain campers may do certain activities significantly more often than others, again based on their specific training needs - like, I imagine "ride the rapids" is probably usually a Percy-specific activity. Other campers may also participate in it, but Percy may have it on his schedule much more regularly.

And we know from other misc. books and Percy's progress report (also from the old Rick Riordan website) some other general camp activities include:

Music lessons (taught by Woodrow the satyr, at least as of TOA)

Chariot racing

Footraces (and one-legged races, in TOA)

Of course, as mentioned previously, rock-climbing (at the lava-wall)

Border patrol (again mentioned in the SoM screenshot - we know it somewhat fell out of practice after TLO due to the Golden Fleece strengthening Thalia's pine, which in turn strengthened the camp borders, and since there was no longer an active war it wasn't as needed, but presumably campers will still do it, or at least maybe Chiron will make the rounds.)

Washing dishes (in lava) (they get gloves, don't worry) (Usually carried out by the cleaning harpies, but may be assigned as punishment)

Gardening (presumably mostly in the strawberry fields)

Some campers are implied to have specific individual jobs, such as Will being camp medic and implied to be in charge of the infirmary. Also presumably someone is manning the camp store (I can't recall if it's canon or not that the Stolls are/were in charge of that but I just always say that they are cause it just feels right). And for awhile "generally taking care of Mrs. O'Leary" seemed to be a specific camp job that Beckendorf and Percy usually did.

According to Sea of Monsters and Sea of Monsters only, allegedly there are just. Normal horses in CHB. So taking care of them and also general riding lessons with them are presumably also in the schedule somewhere, unless that's a job for the nymphs and satyrs.

Alongside ancient Greek it's implied the campers are also potentially given Latin lessons. Presumably also taught by Chiron, given he was a Latin teacher.

It's also implied that CHB has some form of year-round schooling available for the year-round campers. So their usual camp activities may begin to lean heavily into more standard classes during camp's off-season.

And then there's this example schedule from the old Rick Riordan website:

Hope this helps!

[shadowgast-recs-weekly]

Fic Recs: Old Favorites!

This week, we have a recurring theme - older favorites! Look below the cut to see 15 recs for fics published before the finale (or thereabouts). As always, if you like them, try to give comments and kudos - especially on older works, they tend to get ignored!

To Love Something Small by Jakia (9662,Teen) Warnings: None

Essek's point of view during the campaign, and an imagined afterwards

Reccer says: I love how they capture Essek's initial arrogance but also allow for some growth and depth in change

and who could make this heart their home? by eldritch_beau (7042,Teen) Warnings: None

The night after the peace talks, Essek gets drunk. Caleb visits him.

Reccer says: It's very tender and allows for Caleb's anger along with Essek's guilt.

That Carnivorous Dark by Cers (88169,Mature) Warnings: Angst, grief, bioweaponry, torture

After returning to Rosohna from Rumblecusp, the Mighty Nein discover that Essek has been kidnapped and brought to the Vergesson Sanatorium

Reccer says: Good angsty fic with an emotionally devastating sequel. There's a great exploration of emotions and trauma, while staying in character. Also, as a bonus, this is by the same author as "The Fullness of Time" so if you liked that work you'll probably like this one too :)

Return to the Earth by LadyOrpheus (2920,Teen) Warnings: Main Character Death

From the fic: Centuries after the adventures of the Mighty Nein a pair of old friends meet, remember, and contemplate. Essek returns to the Grove after a long and full life to visit old friends.

Reccer says: This is one of the first CR fics I read, and I remember sobbing my way through it in the most cathartic ways. It's heavy, but beautiful in the weight of emotion that it weaves through and the sense of care and love.

Lacuna by Sangreal (94811,Explicit) Warnings: Creator Choose Not to Use Archive Warnings - check the tags and author's note for more details

An alternate take on Essek being found out for his crimes, and the aftermath of what happens next.

Reccer says: This one is full of interesting circumstances, where it asks the question of if a part of your memories that make you /you/ are removed, who would you be if you could choose? It's fascinating, full of character moments and detailed prose.

impossible magic by royalgreen (allyoop) (2112,Mature) Warnings: Torture, Whump, Angst, Blood and Injury

Essek is captured by an enemy that does not underestimate him. His magic is now completely blocked and all hope is gone. And yet.....someone hears him. Someone comes.

Reccer says: The mystery and worldbuilding is so excellent. Written during the hiatus, before we knew Essek was in Eiselcross, great alternate take on what could have been.

hopeful hearts by royalgreen (allyoop) (3108,Teen) Warnings: No archive warnings apply

Misfortune has led to Essek needing to hide with the Nein in Caleb's tower, but it is a beautiful place to be hidden within. Essek receives a tour of the tower....as well as something else magical he hadn't quite expected.

Reccer says: The pining and softness is so good. A warm cozy blanket of a fic.

the delicate thing you prize so much by mousecookie (13375,Teen) Warnings: None

Essek escapes the stress and isolation of his life with lucid dreaming, until the Mighty Nein (and Caleb especially) disrupt all his patterns and Essek's waking and sleeping world both spiral out of his control.

Reccer says: A portrait of loneliness with a nice ending, and the dream descriptions are cool.

rational animals by the_littlest_goblin (11963,Mature) Warnings: None

A post-canon fic spawned from Liam's infamous 'they could be spymasters' -- a version of post-campaign life of Essek and Caleb working as spymasters and spending quality time with each other around it.

Reccer says: It's fun, witty, the banter is great as is the way the different dynamics have been built. I reread this one frequently. It's an interesting view on if Caleb ended up in the archmage position and the CA was wiped out in a different way.

by his hands by wytch-lyghts (flight_on_broken_wings) (4182,Explicit) Warnings: None

A darker moment at the Vurmas Outpost where Essek teaches Caleb Dark Star.

Reccer says: This is full of the wizards leaning into their darker sides and the temptations that it offers. Incredible tension throughout as Essek tests Caleb's concentration in a hands-on way.

Tundra by KmacKatie (4791,Explicit) Warnings: none

Caleb and Essek are caught in a blizzard and have to find some way to keep warm

Reccer says: Nothing

My Life and Its Work in Exchange For Yours by Alipopsie (3234,Teen) Warnings: Major Character Death (temporary)

The Mighty Nein TPK and Essek spends years trying to get them back.

Reccer says: Nothing

proof by contradiction by Chrome (19620,Teen) Warnings: Psychic violence (not depicted but discussed)

Essek is captured by the Cerberus Assembly, Beau asked Dairon to help get him out.

Reccer says: It is beautifully written and super interesting, especially from Dairon's point of view

Unbinding by hanap (20605,Teen) Warnings: None

Incredible coming of age fic featuring Essek, pre- and post-M9.

Reccer says: So much great Dynasty lore in this fic, especially around the tradition of wearing braids!

It used to be if you don't like it you could leave by thought (24252,Teen) Warnings: none!

In which the humans do a politics, the Xhorhasians learn about potato's, and everyone decides five hundred years of living in disguise and on the run isn't actually a great life plan, Essek.

Reccer says: I love the homeliness of Essek and Yasha's lives as Rexxentrum housewives and the wizards' dumb pining. This is a very comforting read!

Aeor is for Lovers is an 18+ Shadowgast Discord server. The above fanfic recommendations were pulled from our community for this weekly event. All fics, unless otherwise specified, will primarily feature Shadowgast. And hey! Don't forget to leave comments and kudos for the lovely authors! Have any questions about what this is? Check out the FAQ! Next week’s theme is: Over 100,000 words!

[backup-baby-backup]

Very preliminary and speculatory writing of Midnights timeline

Disclaimer: All the exact dates are based on tracking Taylor's private jets, which is a controversial activity (to say the least). Those are sourced from @youareinlovees' detailed masterposts.

Aaron Dessner confirmed that High Infidelity and Would've, Could've, Should've were written and recorded during Grammys week in March 2021. Since Taylor was in LA between March 7th and March 15th only, we can safely assume that those songs were written within that period.

The Great War and Hits Different were probably written before Jack Antonoff became the main co-writer of Midnights, because (according to Dessner in the podcast above) that signified a change in concept, but they probably also weren't written in March 2021 since Dessner mentioned them separately.

According to Taylor, most Taylor/Antonoff co-writes were written in New York, when JA and Jack's fiance were filming in Panama. This means they were written between November 22nd, when Taylor flew back from Panama to New York, and December 16th, when Taylor flew to Panama.

According to Rolling Stone, Lavender Haze and Glitch came out of a session where Jack Antonoff, Sounwave, Sam Dew and Zoe Kravitz worked on Zoe's debut album. This was before Jack started working on Midnights (so before November 2021), but also Jack only sent those tracks (demos?) a few months later, which might put the date around late 2021/early 2022.

Also in the same article, Karma was a "last-minute Hail Mary"-- wouldn't be surprised if it was the last song to be written on the album.

Sweet Nothing mentions a trip to Ireland "last July", i.e. July 2021, which probably implies the song was written in 2022. Additionally, on 19 April 2022, JA did an interview where he mentioned he didn't intend to write any more songs under a pseudonym, which either means 1. he signed an NDA or 2. he had already written Sweet Nothing at this point. For wishful thinking purposes I will assume the latter.

Snow On The Beach, which was co-written with Lana Del Rey, was finished by 4 April 2022, as on that day Lana posted this photo on her Instagram, a colourized version of which was later included in this Instagram post.

Now on to the solo writes: Vigilante Shit is a mystery. It mentions Scooter Braun's ex-wife so that puts it after July 2021, but that's it. Maybe she saw the news of Scooter getting a divorce and cackled manically? (also I don't think the FBI line points to anything concrete-- more of a revenge fantasy than anything IMO)

Bigger Than The Whole Sky is also a mystery, but if you believe that it's about Claire Winter then that would place it after March 2022.

You're Losing Me... um... I really don't know? I think there is a possibility it was written along with most of Midnights in that Nov-Dec 2021 session, especially since JA was in a different country then, but it also could have literally been written last month and we would be none the wiser. Here I'm going to give Taylor the benefit of the doubt. Also Hits Different is a breakup anthem but we don't talk about that...

Midnights was most likely finished by May at the latest, when she quoted a lyric from Labyrinth in her NYU speech and may or may not have teased the name of the album in this Instagram post.

To conclude:

7-15 March 2021: High Infidelity, Would've, Could've, Should've

March-November 2021: The Great War, Hits Different, Vigilante Shit

22 Nov-16 Dec 2021: Maroon, Anti-Hero, You're On Your Own, Kid, Midnight Rain, Question...?, Bejeweled, Labyrinth, Mastermind, Paris, Dear Reader, You're Losing Me

Late 2021-Early 2022: Lavender Haze, Glitch

2022 (before May): Bigger Than The Whole Sky, Snow On The Beach, Sweet Nothing, Karma

Feel free to comment if you think I've missed something important or got something wrong, though I might not respond immediately (busy week coming up).

[faux-ee]

A Theory about Abilities in BSD, and why Fyodor wants to rid the world of Ability users

Originally, I want to delay making this post until I finish reading irl Dostoevsky’s Demons, because I personally find a lot of parallels between BSD’s Fyodor & Nikolai and Pyotr & Stavrogin in Demons, and I truly wish to elaborate on that. However, I just finished the 2014 TV Show Demons and let’s just say I’m moved to the core and nothing except writing about BSD Fyodor could give me peace. I will still be discussing briefly the connection between BSD fyolai & Demons characters in this post, but that discussion wouldn’t be so detailed because I tragically haven’t finished the book yet. 

Sorry I’ve rambled a lot. Anyways, here we go. 

In addition to the theory that Ability symbolizes trauma response, I want to speculate that Ability also translates one’s negative perception of themself into physical existence. In fact, in irl Atsushi’s work, the Tiger is none but a representation of the self, plagued by vanity and inferiority, that a person has to fight in order to not hurt people around them. Dazai’s ability No Longer Human is portrayed in the 15 manga as a hollow, dark being that only wears his skeleton — that is what dark era Dazai see himself as: non-human, empty, a walking ghost. Sigma believes that he is used as a tool by different ppl, so his Ability was information exchange — a tool for procuring info. 

I can list out much more, but basically, I think Ability is an outward manifestation of how BSD characters pessimistically perceive themselves (that’s why Ranpo doesn’t have an ability: he’s confident and in many aspects a child having not yet lost his innocence, protected and loved by Fukuzawa and the ADA). Or rather, the sad, violent, unpredictable self other ppl told them to be. Like Kyouka, who was told that her Ability made her a natural killer. This is why Ability is a pain: it’s the dark side of oneself; it makes Ability users believe that what makes them powerful, useful to other ppl, is this Self that wallows in existential despair, in its own insufficiency, and in the guilt of causing death. 

In Dead Apple, our main characters have to fight their own Abilities to achieve growth. In the ADA, Fukuzawa’s Ability keeps all other Abilities under control, creating an ideal environment for ADA members to grow into the better version of themselves. All of these point out Abilities to be trouble rather than strength. 

And Fyodor sees that. He sees that for people, Ability represents a past and ongoing pain. No, I’m not trying to justify his cause by presenting him as an all-knowing being. I’m referring to his uncanny ability of seeing into the heart of people’s struggle — his empathy with Sigma, Goncharov, Gogol and even Karma attested to that. And he thinks the only salvation from such darkness is Death. 

We already know that Crime and Punishment doesn’t prevent Fyodor from touching ppl, which means he has no reason to hate his own ability to the point of wanting to eradicate it. It is actually just the opposite case. In Dead Apple, Fyodor declared that he himself is the embodiment of both crime and punishment, which are a pair of good friends. He has made peace with the dark version of himself, has accepted his Ability as part of the truth of what he is. Inseparable with his existence. This is why he wants to kill ability users, rather than simply writing away Ability (if that is the purpose he can come up with a convincing story on that one page he already has): his Ability is inevitably linked with his existence; therefore he thinks the only way to take away this twisted, suffering side of oneself is to end their lives. 

Now, the second question is that, are Abilities an entirely bad thing? Like everything in BSD, it isn’t a black-and-white matter. We have seen many times our Stray Dogs use their Abilities to protect themselves, and the people they care about. We have to accept that there’s a side of us that feel insecure and unhappy from things we experienced, but this is also the side that help us sympathize & establish in-depth connections with people who are also suffering (see Lucy, Atsushi and Kyouka; Akutagawa and Atsushi; even Teruko’s understanding of Fukuchi may be a result of that). 

One of Fyodor’s traits that contributed to his extremism personality is that he doesn’t, or rather refuses to, connect with people. He sees people as mindless chess pieces who live under the lies they tell themselves, easy to manipulate once you grant them the fulfillment of their desires. See? On the surface level he’s on better terms with his Ability — his dark side — than anyone else, and thats why he seems to understand the desires and conflicts in everyone he comes across. But in truth, Crime and Punishment stood with their backs to each other; what seems as reconciliation is actually Fyodor refusing to come face to face with himself. He exalts his pain. He celebrates non-existence. He attributes all his actions to the god — yet as we can see in the two-page spread before his confrontation with Ace, “if god doesn’t exist, then I am god”. He turns his back on his human self, and instead chooses to obsess with the image of a god that is actually how others perceive him to be: the bringer of fear and death, murderer of children, dangerous force of destruction. He takes it in and flips it around, worshipping his darkness, his human suffering, as a source of power. 

I’m not saying, however, that Fyodor feels any pain or guilt I have implied here. He is not taking his revenge on the world because he is pained inside, no, let’s not go into that YA dark haired emo boy stereotype. Instead, he is wreaking havoc in the world precisely because he cannot feel this pain. Next will be some spoilers on Demons: one of the main characters, Stavrogin, confessed to a priest about causing a child’s death (won’t go into the nasty details; I’m still shaking from that), and yet he didn’t do it out of guilt — he did it because he wanted to feel proud and noble again, exposing his own sin to let others punish him with their malice, since he didn’t make an effort to repent and couldn’t forgive himself. Stavrogin doesn’t want to move on and trust his own ability to become a better person; instead, he tries to set the whole world against himself, in order to keep avoiding confronting his own conscience and continue to adhere to the false belief of his righteousness. [Spoiler Ends]

This might be a little confusing, but in simpler words, it’s similar to what Fyodor is doing: he doesn’t feel guilty for killing ppl; he hardly feels anything at all. He is a psychopath beyond redemption, that is what others see him as and what he willingly believes. He is excluded from the human world, he has fused himself with his Ability, turning himself wholly into an unfeeling, murderous monster. He forces himself to believe he is doing the right thing in destroying the world because he’s a coward. (Remember that Fyodor is supposed to be a foil of Dazai, and in No Longer Human Dazai calls himself a coward who’s afraid of happiness?) If he steps back and looks at what he did, all the children he killed, he would be forced to feel guilty, which he fears; so he frees himself of his humanity as well as his conscience to avoid accounting for his own darkness. He views the rest of the world as a sin because he doesn’t want to see himself as a sinner. 

OK let’s talk a little about Gogol here then because I’m fyolai trash: “In opposition to god, you’re fighting to lose sight of yourself” what does this mean? 

This is not actually a very accurate translation. The direct translation from Japanese should be: you are fighting to oppose god and lose sight of yourself. This line also kind of implies Gogol being associated with the military, since the word used for “fighting” here is heavily implied to be war-related. [Spoiler Again] Now, in Demons there is literally a character that resembles Gogol in every way: Pyotr Stepanovich is greatly fascinated with putting on an act, is a master of faking different, often ridiculous personalities to achieve his goal, and he is raising hell all over because he wants to uproot all previously established social systems, calling for a revolution that leads people into decadence and depravation. (AND he even also places the blame of somebody’s murder on an innocent person - while Pyotr is the murderer - as part of the plan!) [Spoiler Ends] This character in Demons is abandoned by his father, so he was always plagued with the belief that he was born wrong, and when his father sought him out only to exploit him further, he lost all belief in god and believed that chaos was the only answer to his empty, unloved existence. This shall provide an answer as to why Gogol thinks human feelings is a thing he ought to transcend: for some reasons his humanity might have been exploited to put him under the control of someone else. Even the person he’s closest with, Fyodor, sees him as a chess piece and he is well aware of that. AND the most deadly thing is that he is comfortable in this relationship because he is used to not receiving anyone’s good will. 

Gogol is many things, but perhaps the one thing that draws him constantly to his demise is the fact that he is unloved. He wants to free himself from humanity for an entirely different reason: he feels the constant need to prove that it’s the world that’s wrong, that what he sees is the truth - his actions are controlled, he is trapped by human feelings that never get acknowledged or responded, and these morals/feelings give people power to walk all over him, to use him as a tool. His Ability, which connects spaces, means that his dark side is exactly this need to escape deterred by his fear of being forever trapped by his own limitations. 

If I were to put this in a more religious light, since we’re talking about god and russians here, I would quote something from Nietzsche: The demand to be loved is the greatest of all arrogant presumptions. To want god’s love is to give yourself nonexistent sins for Him to forgive — this self-assigned sin is what controlled one’s actions, made one feel guilty. The futile outcry for love, and specifically for god’s love and forgiveness, is what makes people crazy and absurd in Nietzsche’s view. Gogol is sane, and is trying desperately to convince himself that he is so, by seeing through the lie that is called love. He denies himself faith and love in exchange for full control over himself. Why pursue something that he has only known to chain him down? Fyodor understands him, and plays along with his jokes, his games; he isn’t afraid of Fyodor’s understanding, no. He is afraid that he will grow to love his dear friend more until he is consumed by this human lie and forgets how much of a danger it is to his freedom. He trembles in his adoration of the man-god.

I have earlier put out a crack theory that Gogol is a foil of Chuuya. However, in this context, Gogol truly is similar to Chuuya seeing how they are constantly being used by other people, Gogol in a more literal sense since even his speech was pre-written; Chuuya allows himself to forgive and forget, and carry on with life focusing on the present, while Gogol becomes haunted by his hyperawareness of his situation and inability to be free. Neither of these attitudes are healthy and I say it’s no coincidence Asagiri decided to put Dazai, Fyodor, Chuuya, Nikolai and Sigma in the same arc. I look forward to everyone figuring out their problems with equally mentally ill enemies in prison. 

[clatoera]

Always Remember We’re Burned for Better Chapter 15: If I’m On Fire, You’ll be Made of Ashes Too

...Hey y’all. Sorry I sucked again and didn’t post for 17 days. I had a literal breakdown over boards and worked 70 hours a week two weeks ago and! Yeah!  Here we are! Back to full length chapters too so! woo. 

Direct quotes from Mockingjay are not mine!

TW for Glimmer’s speech at the end (Finnick’s speech in the book/movie) 

Title from My Tears Ricochet (T swift of course)

AO3

Masterpost

As always. thank you to my besties, who I feel bad tagging every week, but I don’t feel bad tagging @kentwells ever so!

Anyway...let's do it. 

“We’re never going to lose these ‘mentally unstable’ bands if you keep taking a swing at everyone who looks at us wrong.” Finnick flicks a shred of bread in Cato’s general direction, sure that no one would see him dare to waste food, even if that food was a glorified crouton. “You know she isn’t here for you to impress, right?”

“Leave him alone, Finnick.” Glimmer sighs, tired of yet another version of the same conversation. Cato’s unhinged. Glimmer’s unstable. Cato’s a loose cannon. Glimmer’s not to be trusted alone. “Gale deserved it, anyway, he’s running his mouth that the two of us are together-“

“And we would never.” Cato stabs the slightly sharper end of his spoon into the tray of lunch, having lost his privileges to any further utensil when he threatened to carve out Gale Hawthorne’s eyes with the spork he had just been upgraded to. “No offense, of course, Glimmer.”

“Oh, none taken! You were never my type anyway.” She offers over her full fledged fork and goes back to ripping up the stale roll to toss back at Finnick. “Besides , they were starting the same rumors about me and you Finny, that's not a rumor we need Annie to hear when we get her back.”

Such is how they, as the surviving victors, had decided to talk. It had to become when we got them back, not if. False hope or not, it was all they had to get them through day to day life in the hell hole that is District 13. It was a light at the end of an impossibly long tunnel that was the other side of this great war.

“I’ve had worse. He doesn’t even leave a mark.” Cato brushes off, taking Glimmer’s offering with an appreciative nod. “His only value is fawning over Fire girl anyway.”

“He keeps her stable enough. Which, you know you aren't getting any closer to getting them back by going after her personal attack dog, right ?” Finnick warns, noting how Katniss sits a safe distance away from Gale at their assigned table entirely across the room, firmly lodged against her little sister’s side.

“I find it hard to believe she cares about Peeta if she’s so easily moving on.” Glimmer huffs before she rests her left elbow on the table and her chin in her hand. “I’ll never be able to love someone else. And I don’t want to. You’d have to kill me before I'd just…move on that easily. She changes her man more often than she changes her braid.”

“Oh he wants her, but she doesn't feel the same.” Finnick assures, fingers falling into a familiar pattern of braiding his napkin. It was obsessive and unintentional, but it kept him in one piece. “She feels like she owes him, I think. For getting her family out…”

“And he left Peeta’s behind.” Cato reminds, a tone in voice that could nearly be disgust if someone really wanted to call it such, if they really wanted to look for meaning in the way he refers to the families from Twelve. “Seems like a low blow, leaving behind the family out of jealousy.”

He’ll deny it, fervently, to anyone who even suggests it, but there's something about the bombing of District Twelve right off the face of the map that settles inside him wrong. Sure, they were an outlying district, but wasn’t that the whole point of Panem? All the districts contribute to a greater good, providing some sort of service to the others. Twelve and Two, while plenty different, are both the mining districts after all. Maybe the mountainside villages of Two make the shantytowns of Twelve all the more desolate, but at their core, were they really that different in what they provided to the capitol?

If twelve was so expendable..what really makes the others any different?

-

Glimmer is the next one to renew the lease on her ‘mentally unstable’ armband, and lose their utensil privileges, when she actually uses a fork and goes after the same insufferable district twelve boy for having the audacity to insinuate that her relationship was fake.

–

“You two are wanted in the conference room.” A guard, maybe twice their age, announces at the door of their cell– room, okay fine it’s a room, but it may as well be their prison cell.

Glimmer shoots Cato a hesitant look– noone has ever wanted them in a conference, noone has ever given a single fuck about what they have to say about anything that happens to or around them.  At this point though, what would the benefit of executing them be?

“Sorry, Conference call isn’t on my schedule for the day.” Cato holds up his left arm, with their printed schedules tattooed in for the day. Not that either of them followed them– ninety nine percent of their time was spent inside these four walls of this room.  “Maybe if you factor it in we’ll consider–”

“It is not an option. You are expected promptly. Failure to attend will be seen as a direct act of discompliance and will have severe consequences.”

Cato tightens his jaw before he slips his feet over the edge of the bed, nodding to Glimmer to do the same. The narrowed look of her green eyes in his direction tells him all he needed to know– she can imagine the same consequence as him, which isn’t a direct threat to the two of them at all.

They say nothing as they follow this armed man, weaving through halls and up elevators, a route they could not re-create on their own even if they combined their brain power with the intention to do so.

The door has a keypad, opened only with a scan of the guard’s eye rather than any code they can memorize and exploit later.

Glimmer glances out of the corner of her eyes as she is ushered into the room a step in front of Cato, fully taking in the physicality of the guard as she passes him. They could probably take him, if one dispatched the gun from his hands and the other got him down.

Glimmer’s mental notes were tossed to the wayside when she saw the contents of the room.

Around a conference table sat Miss Mockingjay herself, Finnick Odair, a newly sober Haymitch Abernathy, Plutarch Heavensbee, Beetee, and a gray haired woman Glimmer could vaguely identify as the president of District 13.

Her eyes must betray her absolute distrust in the members of the room, as the guard behind her grabs her by the shoulders and goes to push her to the table, when Cato’s hand encircles one of the man’s wide wrists.

“Don’t touch her.” He warns, though it comes out as a warning growl. Cato would fight, that much he had proven over and over during their months long stint in the pit of hell that is District Thirteen.

“Now there’s no need for any of that–” Plutarch interrupts, and with a wave of his hand Glimmer’s shoulders are released and she steps forward on her own accord. “Please, sit. You two were invited here as guests for this conversation..”

“Oh, Guests? That's what we are here now? Guests?” Glimmer quips, but settles herself down in one of the conference chairs furthest away from anyone else, anyone who could reach up and grab at her. Guests, sure, of the local psychiatric lock down unit maybe.

“You have both been extended a generosity by District Thirteen under our protections. And you were both granted an even larger generosity under Miss. Everdeen’s Mockingjay deal. It would behoove you both to listen to the expectations that are required of you both.” The gray haired woman begins, addressing them both. However, it is like she sees through them both, refusing to look either in the face and instead staring through as if they are beneath her, unworthy of her attention.

Something about her steely gaze and underlying threats in her tone feels familiar to Cato, and for the briefest second it is like he is back in President Snow’s office being given an ultimatum with Clove at his side.

What he wouldn’t give to have her at his side now.

“...requested of you.” Plutarch intervenes, holding out a hand to stop the president from continuing on with what Cato assumes would be demanded. “We believe that having two victors from previously Career districts openly on the side of the Rebellion could help the cause, especially in District Two.”

“And before you start with the ‘we aren’t on the side of the rebellion’ crap,” Comes from Haymitch, who is more sober than either of them have ever seen him, looking dare they say well shaven and clean, “Remember who the Capitol has. If you think they’re being treated well out there… you’ve got another thing coming. This is how we get them back.”

“The faster we bring in the districts, the closer we are to Annie. And Clove. And Marvel. And Johanna and Peeta.” Finnick offers, also somehow miraculously looking healthier than he has since their time in Thirteen began. He had mentioned being allowed outside with Katniss for a few hours– the sunlight did him some good, clearly.

“It is expected that you will do your part to help this Revolution.” The cold voice of President Coin cuts through the warmer tones of past victors and a gamemaker, staring right into the center of Cato’s face. “If you give us cause to believe that you would in any way be a threat to this cause, we would have no choice but to remove that threat, and the threat your respective partners would present as well, once we got our opportunity.”

The threat is not even veiled, but before Cato can give her the rise and reaction Coin is prodding out of them, Katniss herself chimes in.

“That’s not part of the deal. The victors are pardoned. All of us.” Her tone is not the young girl who won the game, or the girl who gave everything for the sweet little sister that even Cato couldn’t hate, no, that was the voice of the leader of this rebellion. The power and insistence of someone with a lot more pull than she’d give herself credit for.

“Everyone is doing some part,” Plutarch interjects, attempting to assuage the underlying power struggle between the President and the Mockingjay. “Katniss is going into the battlefields, she’s shooting rallying calls on the front lines. Finnick has agreed to begin doing special features on fallen tributes from each district. Pulling on the heartstrings of every district one by one.”

“Glimmer, you were very popular in the capitol, maybe you could reach them.” Haymitch suggests, with a wave of his hand. “Smile, toss your hair, whatever it takes..”

Before Glimmer can snap back in response Cato takes over, despite how she deserves to say whatever the hell she wants at this point.

“How are you even getting in? Doesn’t Snow control the airways?” Cato leans back, arms crossed over his chest firmly, a stance of both disbelief and judgment. “Do districts even have televisions for this to get across?”

“I am responsible for the creation of a lot of the airways.” Beetee explains, wheeling his chair over to access a remote before clicking on the screen. “Here’s what we have so far.”

They watch the reel of Katniss in District Eight, as a hospital is obliterated in the background. They watch her on the front lines rediscovering District Twelve, and most notably, they hear her voice filling the air as she sings a song of rebellion and lovers running to their conjoined deaths.

“...maybe your talent should’ve been singing, not Fashion.” Glimmer comments, though there is no sarcasm or venom in her own tone. It’s a compliment, a genuine one, when she says, “you have a lovely voice, Katniss.”

“Peeta thought so too.” Katniss admits, finally making direct eye contact with the career girl for the first time. “It just..it wasn’t for everyone else.”

“Look at that, this government can exploit you, too. It’s not just the Capitol!” Glimmer snorts, shaking her head before glancing at Cato out of the side of her eye.

His jaw is locked, his knuckles nearly white from how tightly he is squeezing his fist together. Something in the conversation had successfully gotten to him, and while the source of all of his self control is locked in a cell in the captiol, he somehow manages to hold himself back for once.

“Katniss…let us talk. Alone. Finnick too.” Glimmer requests, glancing between the other two young victors in the room. There’s only four of them left, maybe only four left in the whole world for all they know.

Now is the time to make new alliances.

“Absolutely not.” President Coin interjects, shaking her head furiously. “The safety of Katniss is too important–”

“They won’t hurt us.” Finnick assures, giving a knowing nod to Glimmer and Cato both. There is an understanding, an agreement, amongst the victors. “Let us talk.”

Haymitch puts his hands up to prevent any further debate or questioning. “I say we give them ten minutes. We can wait right outside the door for them, come in the minute we hear a raised voice for something being thrown.”

“Ten minutes.” Plutarch agrees, and that seems to convince Alma Coin to eventually agree as well.

“You get exactly ten minutes. Nothing more.” She pushes herself back and the elder men at the table agree, shooting Glimmer and Cato a look of diluted venom, not quite a snake but maybe a scorpion instead.

The immediate second the door is closed, Glimmer lets out a shaky breath. “I don’t like her at all.”

For the first time ever, Katniss smiles at Glimmer, in a wordless agreement. Maybe the leader of the rebellion couldn’t say it, but the unhinged victim from District One certainly could.

“What the fuck is going on out there?” Cato immediately presses Katniss, the only victor who has seen beyond the perimeter of thirteen and into the real world.  “Who’s fighting, is there an actual war happening?”

“All of the Districts have joined, except for District Two.” Katniss begins, oddly at ease with two of the people who were most determined to kill her. “Two provides the army, I guess–”

“Peacekeepers, yeah.” Cato agrees, giving an unsurprised nod. That was always the other option– you either went in the games and won or the high level of training guaranteed a higher rank in the peacekeepers upon graduation. There were the outliers, training partners who resented each other for not getting into the games, who married and tried to combine their mediocre genetics to create a victor child. That had not been successful, possibly ever, but every year there were one pair who tried it. “Two won’t be easy.”

“....even One is in the war? On our side” Glimmer pipes up, for the first time verbally acknowledging that yes, she is with the Mockingjay, too. “That’s a loss for the Capitol, they rely on us for..just about anything they enjoy.”

“It was you and Marvel, Glimmer.” Finnick reaches forward to grab at the remote, shuffling through additional propos as they talk, an audio buffer to protect their conversation from the inevitable listening ears just outside the door. “It had to be everything you said before the games. They had enough of sending their children to be trafficked. They’ve sent enough luxury goods, their sons and daughters aren't going to be added to the list of their hottest commodities anymore.”

“....do you know if Cash and Gloss are…”

“We don’t. But what we do know is that the Capitol is completely cut off from everyone but Two.”  Katniss adds, looking between the two.

“You two need to see this.” Finnick interrupts, before he settles on a hidden file of a recording deep in the depths of a desktop folder . “They already think Katniss hasn’t, and I know they kept this from you two. You’re a liability when you’re angry.”

“What do you mean they’re keeping something from us, they keep everything from us, what else could it be-” Glimmer is cut off by her own gasp of shock, when the screen lights up with a scene in the President’s mansion. Peeta– looking far worse for the wear, fifteen pounds lighter than he had been just a week ago on the recording, with deep dark circles under his eyes– is flanked on either side by two other victors.

Their other victors.

Glimmer is on her feet first, a look of pure horror on her face as she reaches out to the screen to touch the ghost of Marvel’s face.

Like Peeta, he is easily fifteen pounds lighter than he had been when they were lifted from the arena. And though the collar of his shirt doesn’t seem to conceal bruises the way Peeta’s does, he looks overall limp.  Lifeless. As if the fight has been sucked right out of him. Most notably to Glimmer, of course, is his eyes. The shining blue of his eyes lacks the joy and brightness she had come to find her home in, the one constant source of comfort ripped from them both.

“What did they do to him?” Glimmer whispers, frantically looking around the duration of the screen for any other clue. “Are they starving them? What are they doing to him?”

Clove does not look as distinctly ill to the untrained eye. Always small, the drop in weight is not as blatantly apparent on her. Sure, the darkness under her eyes is abnormal, but anyone would see it as a normal response to lack of sleep and stress. There is some purple discoloration at the top of her black dress, that may even be passed off as a shadow rather than bruising.

But when she slightly tilts her head to the side, Cato recognizes in an instant the way the corner of her lip twitches downward for the slightest moment. It was a tell, a tell only to someone who had spent the majority of his life pulling from her.

Pain.

Clove was never one to show it, not in the academy, not in the games, and surely not for the nation.

Cato, though, knew her tells and her secrets more than he knew his own.

“What the fuck did they do to her.” Cato pushes himself to a standing position immediately, his voice barely above a whisper. For all he can growl and scream, there's something almost more haunting about the way he whispers in this moment, like a man possessed. “Why the fuck did he touch her–”

“It’s a message to us,” Finnick has to explain, as Katniss locks her gaze on her feet and never at the screen. “They don’t say anything, Peeta does all the talking, but look at them. It’s a message, Cato. You’re here, you are guilty, and she is going to pay for it.”

Katniss does not look up, she can’t stomach to watch the violence that has occurred to Peeta yet again. Peeta, who has suffered for the crime of loving her, for the crime of being too good.

“I’m going to kill him.” Cato snarls, and though it isn’t said it is immediately understood who he means.

“You’re going to have to fight me for it.” Katniss chimes in, though she continues her lock on the floor while Cato and Glimmer keep their eyes locked on the screen.

“Why aren’t they speaking?” Glimmer half whimpers, unable to tear her eyes away from the remnants of her loved ones on the other side of the screen. “Why aren’t they saying anything!”

“Because Peeta’s the mouthpiece. Peeta is to the Capitol what Katniss is here. They started this rebellion, they have to represent it. They’re a message to you two, and you two only.”  

“...has there been any sign of Annie? Or Johanna?” Glimmer tries, though her heart is with the dulled eyes of the man she loves on the screen.

The silence that follows provides the answer they needed, without ever needing to even be said.

“...I’m in.” Glimmer agrees in an instant, backing away but not breaking her gaze. “Whatever you need from me, I’m in.”

“We have to get them back.” Cato begins, though he has also moved to a standing position right in front of the tv. “I’m going to get her.” And though he’s made the threat before– and been shot down at the idea– the demand has new meanings. They need to get them and do it fast.  “....I don’t know what I can say or do on these stupid videos. I have no big story. I don’t think I’m much help…”

He wants to argue, he wants to come up with an excuse as to why he’s no use, but he can’t. He’d do anything for that psychotic girl, walk to the ends of the earth for her, if it meant she was safe in his arms.  

“Fuck it, I’m in.”

-

They never planned to die by being suffocated alive in the tomb that is the bowels of District 13 in a bunker, if they were dying it was in glory in the games or at their own hands on their own terms.

Cato, Glimmer, and Finnick were resolved to their own tiny corner, much like the lunch table, where none of the other citizens would dare come near them.

Cato sits on the floor, the heels of his hands digging so deeply into his eyes that it stung. If there were any light– which there is not– Glimmer would have been able to see the way he is digging into the skin of his hairline, like he wants to peel his skin from his skull.

It had been a nightmare to get him to agree to come under ground after the disastrous interview.

Peeta had been flying solo in an interview yet again, though Clove and Marvel must’ve been nearby. When whatever trance Peeta was in broke, he had warned them of their impending death, and the feed cut out as fast as the Capitol could manage.

Not fast enough, of course, to drown out the blood curdling scream in the background of Peeta’s broadcast. It would have been ambiguous enough, with no face to the name of an anonymous woman, until the single word she managed before the broadcast cut came across clear as day.

Cato.

Him. She was calling for him. Screaming for him, really, and here he was. Unable to get to her. Unable to help her.

“She called for me.” Cato repeats, over and over and over again, bordering a state of catatonia and hysteria as he refuses to get off the ground.

“I know.” Glimmer sighs, a half hearted agreement. There was nothing she could do, to ease his comfort. It was clear as day– Clove had screamed his name from deeper inside the President's mansion,  and it was clearly a call of desperation.

Clove would kill her if she called it a cry for help, even if for all the world that is exactly how it sounded.

While it could have been a warning, like Peeta had given. A dead girl walking calling out in warning you too, Cato, he’ll kill you too. It could have been confirmation of what Peeta was saying.

No matter what her intention, it did not change all Cato could hear.

She had been his longest friend before she was his world, his longest ally, and they had always had each other’s backs. That was a plea rooted deeply in their childhoods, deeply in the core of who they are.

That was not a cry of a desperate girl, that was not the scream for her lover. That was a scream and cry for her partner, the one person in two she was supposed to be able to rely on to be there if she got in too deep of trouble.

And he failed her.

Not as her life long best friend, or as the man who married her.

He failed her as her partner.

He is only pulled from his self effacing spiral by the feeling of something soft brushing against his calves.

He nearly flinches when he realizes it is the tail of a soft little animal against his legs, and not some sneak attack.

A purring noise immediately betrays the creature as Katniss’s sister’s cat, the only pet in all of thirteen. The little thing didn’t like Katniss and so it already earned a bonus point in Cato’s book, and he thinks of his own little sister every time he sees the little blonde that belongs to the girl on fire. He gives the cat a half-hearted pet, remembering how desperately his sister had begged their parents for a cat for her fourth birthday, and how he nearly bought her one with his winnings a few years prior.

He lets himself think of the dog he and Clove will never get to have and begins to give the cat a more diligent pet in honor of the future they have lost.

He failed her. He failed her. He failed her.

He’s lost her.

-

The four of them, the surviving, youngest victors, are led above ground before anyone else is given clearance.  It of course had to be deemed safe before they let precious Katniss Everdeen step foot above ground.

“What the fuck.” Is the first thing Cato thinks to say, when he takes in the surrounding destruction. Where as he had expected the smoke and ash, nothing could have prepared him for the blanket of white that littered the smoking land. For a second he wonders if it is snow, if somehow a nuclear winter has fallen upon them, but the warmth of the air pushes that idea right out of his head. He’s acutely aware of the team of videographers focused in on Katniss, priming and prodding her to make some statement about surviving an attack by the capitol.

There is a soft crunching under his foot, and when he sees the slightly luminescent spray of white rose petals under his heels, he realizes (though he does not understand) that they are walking in a sea of white roses. He is about to pick one up, to run the unnatural petals between his fingers, but he is immediately startled by the  panic coming from Katniss just over the rocks.

“He’s going to Kill Peeta. I can’t do this–”

Cato steps forward, over the edge of the rocks to catch a glimpse of Katniss, as she slowly starts to unravel before the cameras.

There is a woman with a half shaved head with a camera in the girl’s face, prodding and poking at her to brag about the survival of the center of the rebellion against a direct attack from the Capitol, but Katniss is fading fast at their insistence.

“He’s going to kill him, because I’m the Mockingjay. I can’t do it.” Katniss utters as she staggers away, trying to avoid the cameras shoved in her face and their persistence.

Haymitch Abernathy takes her by the shoulders, and leads her out of the way of the Camera, but it isn’t enough for Cato.

Because if they’re going to kill Peeta, they’re going to kill Clove too.

He pushes the camera out of the woman’s hands, not enough to break but enough to be indisposed just for a little while.

“She isn’t fucking doing it,” Cato reaffirms, hand still resting on the camera equipment, not breaking it but not opposed to doing so.

Finnick leads the camera crew away before Cato can make any permanent damage to the equipment or the war effort.

–

“Why the fuck didn’t you let me go, I’ve been threatening to go for months and you left us behind!” Cato pushes firmly in the middle of Haymitch Abernathy’s chest, cornering him into the wall. “I should be there! It’s my fucking job, she’s mine.”

“You couldn’t be trusted not to go off on your own, Cato.” Haymitch explains, gently placing his hands on the young man’s shoulders.  “It was impromptu, there wasn’t time to get you properly trained.”

“Properly Trained? I gave my entire life to training for this! I know what i’m doing–” He snarls at the older victor, and without Enobaria and Brutus here to cool him off he might just carry through on his most intrusive of thoughts, the ones that say to crush the man’s skull against the concrete wall. “I’m better trained than anyone in this hell hole.”

“You aren’t reliable. You’ll throw the whole mission to get to that girl, they couldn’t risk it.”

“Let me make something so incredibly clear. I will throw any mission, I would throw this entire district, I would let this rebellion burn to the ground if it meant getting to her. I do not give a single fuck about any other person in this entire district, but her.” Cato drops his grip on Haymitch, letting the man relax against the wall. “If they leave her behind, I am going to kill every single one of them. That’s a promise, Haymitch. I don’t need a sword or a knife or a gun or a fork. I will kill them.”

“That's exactly the problem, Cato”

-

“What is he doing..” Glimmer whispers, wiggling her thumbnail between her bottom front teeth. Her nails bleed from her biting to the quick, watching as Finnick commands the attention of the camera and the media screen behind them.

“It’s to distract while they’re in the training center,” Someone, Glimmer doesn’t care who, informs her.

Listening to his words, with his allusions and language with only insinuation, she wipes the blood of her fingers on the sad gray of her clothes, and steps forward.

“Put me on.”

Beetee quirks his head at her, and Plutarch gives her an unsure look, not quite trusting she knew what she was offering to do.

“Finnick has it.” Plutarch assures with a patronizing half smile, before redirecting his attention to Finnick and the broadcast going out to all of Panem.

“We were told to do our part, this is mine. Put me on.” Glimmer once again insists, this time walking herself right into the eyesight of the camera.

They cannot stop her when she steps in directly next to Finnick, as he recalls stories of secrets shared as late night pillow talk, as the exchange for his service.

“Stop sugar coating it.” Glimmer demands, stepping into the light of the camera.

The girl presented to Panem is a far cry from the beautiful bombshell of a victor she was once paraded around as. Once perfectly manicured nails bleed from the quick she had bitten them too. Once perfectly shiny, bouncing curls fall in two half braided pigtails, with crinkled waves going the length of her hair, frizzy ringlet curls framing her eyes. There is no perfectly winged eyeliner, eyelash extensions, or expertly applied blush.

She is not a shimmering shining prize, but she is still Glimmer.

“Finnick is so considerate as to give you a filtered version of what happened to us. I’m not. We weren’t just ‘sold’ to the highest bidder. I was brutally, violently raped. From the time I was fifteen years old. I have been held down until I screamed, and I have bled and begged people to stop. My sister, my brother, Finnick, Marvel..and countless others. We are not being rented, we are being violently abused. There is a trafficking ring of Victors. Starting from our childhood. I was fifteen. Fifteen years old! Finnick was Fourteen! We were children!” Glimmer catches Katniss out of the corner of her eye, who has a whole new layer of horror painted on her features. Katniss nods at her, to keep going, because if she is enraptured so is the entirety of the capitol.

“It doesn’t stop there! My entire life has been this. I’ve been sent to procedures where I don’t even know what they did to me! I’ve been drugged unconscious for days! I have sat in bath tubs full of my own blood, and woken up in sheets so wet with it that I couldn’t stand the next day! We lose our childhood to the games, but we lose our innocence to them! Seven years. Seven years of horrific abuse, and if I didn’t? Then my parents die. Then my older sister and brother, who already did all of this to protect me. They go after the people you love. Call this what it is. It is violence and it is abuse.”

Together, Glimmer and Finnick offer a passionate plea.

Finnick exposes name after name of a capitol official and bought him, listing the secrets of each and every one. Between stories Glimmer accounts graphic details of a girlhood lost, of specific moments of begging for death after fighting so hard for her life. Finnick exposes the President himself and his history of poisonous treachery, while Glimmer recounts the long nights and the aftermath of such horrific, harrowing moments of her young life.

Ultimately they lose the broadcast until Katniss steps in and directly asks for the President himself.

Glimmer steps out of the light, and realizes for the first time that she has tears running down her face, uncontrollable and unstopping.

Cato can’t help it, when he grabs her and pulls her in what could pass for a hug. He’s seen Glimmer as, well, Glimmer, for a long time. A career victor from One who had gone through a little too much at the hands of the capitol. Something about her now, though, goes deeper than that. She is someone’s little sister, someone’s little blonde sister who was robbed of the sweetness his own was so remarkable for. He is all too aware that he may never see his own again.

She is a brotherless sister and he is a sisterless brother, who would give just about anything to make sure his little blonde baby sister never even knew the kind of horrors Glimmer experienced even existed.

He watches over Glimmer’s head, as Katniss pleads her case to the president directly.

“You asked me to convince you I was in love with Peeta. Haven’t I at least done that?” Katniss questions, and there is an earnestness in her voice that even Cato cannot ignore.

Maybe she had convinced them all.

The next words Cato picks up on send a chill to the very root of his spine.

“Don’t you think I know your friends are in the tribute center? Cut them off.”

If his blood could run cold, it would have. As the feed cuts out, and Katniss begins to spiral- “He was taunting me, he knew the whole time!”-- and the reality starts to come from Beetee– “we can’t communicate with them” it all falls into place. The seemingly unbroken communication, the opportunity to plead directly with the president of the country..it all made more sense as reality set in.

It was a trap.

They were never getting them out.

“They’re dead.” Glimmer whispers, pushing him back and turning to face the screen. Her sob catches in her throat before she even realizes it is coming. “They’re dead, we aren’t ever getting them back!”

The four of them are corralled into a single, padded, locked room on the same level of the command center using various levels of sedatives.

Hours pass, maybe. They can’t be sure, in their windowless room, with some drug coursing through their system.

Finnick rocks and ties his knots, and Katniss has gone catatonic, resting her chin on her knees, humming that creepy death song from the propo she filmed what seemed like ages ago.

Glimmer lays against a wall, tears freely flowing from her eyes, matching the level of helpless she feels deep in the core of who she is.

Cato paces. Whatever they calmed them down with has started to wear off in him, based on his sheer size alone.

“When did you know you loved Annie?” Katniss nearly whispers to Finnick, voice and face flat in affect. “Was it immediate?”

“No. It was gradual. She snuck up on me.”  Finnick nearly smiles, but then passes the question on to Glimmer. “What about you? When did you know?”

“We were friends for a long long time at first. I would sleep in his room a lot. Nothing ever happened and then..well It was actually during Clove’s games. I looked at him one morning and I realized that I wasn’t afraid when I was with him. He was right there, right in front of me the whole time.” Glimmer nearly smiles, but the tears do not stop. “Come on Cato, like we weren’t all there.”

Cato stops, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand for a moment. “We uh..we were fifteen. We trained together since we were ten, you know? She was at my house with my baby sister and I realized that I knew exactly how many freckles she had on her face. One hundred and forty seven. That isn’t a normal thing that you notice about someone.”

There is a soft silence that befalls them, as if it hits them at once that they are giving eulogies to the love they have lost.

“....It was on the beach in the Quell. That's when I really knew.”  Katniss offers without prompting, the softness in her voice confirming what they had slowly grown to accept.

Somewhere along the line- during the quell, apparently– life began to imitate the art of the star crossed lovers' performance.

Time passes slowly in thirteen.

How long exactly, none of them know.

The door swings opens without so much as a knock, and Haymitch lets himself into the room of sedated, miserable victors, before he announces:

“They’re back.”

[exploredawhatifs]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Thank you @xottan for the tag!!! This beginner is humbled and honored that you'd think to tag me so ended up doing this instead of sleeping.

How many works do you have on ao3?

(4) in my heart; (6) according to ao3. The first (3) were meant to be one thing, but I didn’t know better. Thought a series would tie them together as one unit more than it actually did.

2. What’s your total ao3 word count?

157,510… I have mixed feelings about this. I love writers who have an economy of words so I suspect proper editing would cut that crazy number down, but I don't have a proper editing process.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Marvel Cinematic Universe and Sherlock with an eye towards some anime one day

4. Top five fics by kudos

By pure kudo count, the top three go to the three parts of the

For Appearance’s Sake series (Frostiron) followed by

The Doctor’s Choices (a Johnlock WIP) and

Bend Thee Aghast Challenge (a Frostmaster WIP)

but the kudo rank is nearly identical to the posting dates so with only a four month Ao3 career, I’m not sure kudos is a fair way to judge the work

5.Do you respond to comments?

I do now! @lokislonelylady helped me get over the initial comment response fear and I’m forever grateful. Writing and posting also gave me more confidence to leave comments for others’ works and @xottan was the first writer to respond at length. That was a game changer. I didn’t expect responses and still don’t, but it was nice to feel a connection (thank you!!), so now I make it a point to respond to any comments I get as soon as I can or at least before the next post. I don’t get many so it’s easy enough

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Angsty… maybe Unbinding (part three of that first series)? I was told the last part was a bit depressing before the comfort hit.

7. What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Uh… only 2 works have an actual ending so far… but I suspect The Doctor’s Choices will be the happiest ending of what I have in the works.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not on the fics itself, not yet. More for not knowing what I’m doing, like tagging. The first version of tagging for For Appearance’s Sake series was a mess. Also for not understanding the ship I first ventured into. 

9. Do you write smut?

Ehm. Yes. Not sure that I'm particularly good at it, probably not but I only have one story that’s not explicit/dark, and that was just for a therapy assignment.

10. Craziest crossover?

None as of yet

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not yet. It’s early

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope, but that sounds cool.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not yet. I’ve never even had a beta reader… collabs sounds interesting. 

14. All time favorite ship?

Great question. This one is hard. It was Johnlock for a long time. I started reading in the MCU eight months ago, and the MCU has so many creative pairings that I’m just confused. That said, based on the various works in progress and ideas popping in my head, it must be Frostiron at the moment.

15. What’s a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

None. This question prompted me to go fix what I hated about the wip and so, I'm good. I consider Fools’ Scheme a work in progress. Technically, it functions well enough as part 2 in the series in terms of moving the plot along, but considering the whole thing suddenly deviated to an emotional, happy ending, that middle part really needs some emotions massaged into make it work better with part 3, but emotionss are so hard.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I’d love to say action with a bit of world building, but who knows? It’s hard to judge your own work, and based on the comments from the English professor in college… this ESL kid was barely understandable.

Realistically, the strength I can confidently talk about is speed. Based on the past four months, I average about 1200 words an hour when at a computer; 600 an hour on my phone (though to be fair, usually when I’m writing on the phone… I’m also supposed to be doing something else… like work). Makes me question my career choice (zero writing involved in my day job). With this writing speed, I really would have been making bang during Dickenson’s day where writers got paid per word.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Emotionsss. How other writers put emotions on paper is beyond me.  I do okay with fear and anger but the feels? like love and sadness? Absolute crap, and I don’t know that it will get better since the moment my writing starts down that path, I nope out of there so fast that I’m done writing for that day or it pours out of me in an unfiltered melodrama that I can't imagine anyone wants to read and I’m a wreck for half a week.

Other than that, choppiness. I focus so much on the action and plot that some of it comes out short and action, action, action without the why... this is especially true because my adhd has me jumping from scene to scene or even story to story as I write. Literally Johnlock for ten minutes, then it’s Frostmaster for a paragraph, jump to two separate Frostirons I have going on in the back, and a random Loki & Nebula that’s brewing before jumping back to Johnlock. =.=;;; my brain…

18. Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

Yesss. It would be fun to do it in the way Groot is handled in the MCU.

19. First fandom you wrote in?

MCU - Tony Stark/Loki, though it was without even understanding what Frostiron was. I must have read like five Tony Stark/Loki before jumping into writing an unplanned novel, and in all of them, Tony was pretty mean to some weak version of Loki. My fix was to make Loki a bit stronger so that he could send Tony to prison… turns out most people in Frostiron sees them together. Halfway through writing them, I suddenly realized why;;; They’re so alike.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

It varies from moment to moment. Literally, it’s the fic I’m working on and since the last thing I typed is Let’s do ‘Just a slave’, (Thor & Loki) that is the one at the moment, even if it was a therapy assignment. 

It’s not representative of my usual stuff but I did manage to write it in a single sitting of three hours and found it fun, so I guess it counts.

***done!***

Well, that was interesting. More challenging and fun than I had imagined.

Tagging someone: I also tag @lokislonelylady, though, like @xottan says, no pressure. Don’t know if you can even write until you’re fully healed. Sending my love and gratitude either way! Honestly, there should be an amazing commenters’ version of this because @lokislonelylady , you brighten people's day with your comments! I have learned to comment just as much thanks to you.

And while there's really no reason anyone else will stumble on my tumblr, but if you do and you’re writer, consider yourself tagged! (if you want)

[opinated-user]

this is the original picture that LO posted.

My grandfather passed away last week. He left me this beautiful pendant, and according to my Aunt when it was explained to him last Christmas that I was trans (after a video call ended he asked 'who the hell is Lily?') he said "Oh, well I'm glad she found herself."

I wasn't close to my grandfather. I wasn't close to any of my grandparents due to distance and my parents not really concerning themselves with whether or not we WERE close (my mother asserted that we wouldn't get along because she believed me to hate strict people) but I'd always admired him based on the stories my mother would tell me about him.

He was the only person in my family (save for my aunt Sharp, who's LGBT herself) who accepted who I was instantly and unconditionally. I didn't know him well, but I'll miss him regardless.

those part i boldened are important for later. if you reverse search that picture with google you'll find out that kind of necklaces to be sold around 15 dollars in places like ebay or amazon.

the coins used to make these collars were designed by James Earle Fraser, a white man without any actual connection to any native Nation. his own father was actually partially responsible for displacing Native Americans.

James Earle Fraser was born on November 4, 1876 in Winona, Minnesota in the Southeastern part of the state. Early in his life he was exposed to Native American life and culture, as his father was an engineer employed by railroad companies who expanded ever westward, suppressing the Native American population into areas unknown to them and reservations. It appears that these early experiences had a profound impact on Fraser, who later in life would use the Native American theme in many of his works.

this all just to say that this necklace is an actual representation of cultural appropiation by an american white society that had already commited mass genocide against it's Native population, while taking the images of them to make their products. but none of this actually means that her grandfather couldn't have been in possesion of this object for whatever reason. someone could have gifted it to him without realizing any of the history behind it. no, my issue is that LO later contradict herself about how she came into possesion of this necklace.

"my mother handed it to me as they were going through his stuff and i thought it was neat". that's a different story than "my grandparent left me", implying that it was the desire of the grandparent for LO specifically to have it, someone LO herself admit didn't had any kind of close relationship with him (and blames it on her parents, despite being a full a grown adult). on this new version the man had no involvement at all on giving that necklace to anyone, it was just another trinket on his house that his family happened to find. according to LO, it doesn't even sound like her mom had any intention of giving it to LO as a present. she saw the image of an Native American, thought it was "neat" and decided to take it for herself. the reason why i thought this was worth pointing out at all, aside from being an easy lie that LO revealed herself, is the necklace is just part of her native costume, just like the dark skin on her avatar or the feathered earring. there's no actual cultural significance to it, all the opposite actually, but LO still likes to have it one because it's part of her brownfacing exotic Native fantasy. i'm sure that some level of sentimentality is attached to it because she does speak kindly about her grandfather, but for LO having the necklace is mostly because it looks somewhat Native and the story of a Native grandfather passing it down to a Native grandaughter is more interesting than that grandaughter simply taking it after his passing for the sake of her own image. nowhere is this any more clear and obvious than when LO made the conscious choice to have this exact same necklace one while she was stripping herself for a YB stream. literally sexualizing it for all her audience to see and while having her own wife stripping too. let's pretend that the history behind the nickel doesn't exist, that isn't actually highly racist and culturally appropiated. it is but let's forget about that for a moment. why would anyone wear a "family heirloom" while doing an act that they consider to be a public showing of their sexuality? the answer: because it's vaguely Native related. this added to the fact that LO actually wanted her latest avatar to be the sexiest one yet, while also being the only avatar with a feathered earrring, it shows a tendency of LO of wanting to sexualize everything "Native" about her, of exoticize herself for her audience.

this is fetishization.

[purple-ant]

Twenty Fanfic Writer Questions

thank you for the tag @charmwasjess it was fun)

no pressure tags: @man-i-dunno @rochenn

1. How many works do you have on Ao3?

24! but I think it's cheating a bit because half of them are translations so it's 16 fics in Russian and 8 in English

2. What’s your total Ao3 word count?

83,833 it's funny I just want to point out how word count gets bigger in English. Like the original fic length is 1385 words and the EN version is 1679, and you may think it's not so big until you go to a bigger story and BOOM the difference is like 3,000 words!!

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Star Wars right now. I only have the energy to write only for one hyperfixation at a time

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Beat, Resonance, Unison I'M SO PROUD

Single Seers wow???? when did this happen??

Forgive My Inevitabilities the first translation UwU

do not pity the dead (pity the living) I should think about the sequel

Achilles Come Down listen this song!! it will kill you :D

5. Do you respond to comments?

YES I try at least👉👈

I enjoy every comment no matter if it is a wall of text or something short, they all are special to me and give me strength to write and post- the problem is I'm not confident in my English skills (even this post was checked by charmwasjess lol) and I prefer to reply from my laptop which it difficult because my vpn there doesn't work very good and I need it to open ao3 :c

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

HMMMMM Achilles Come Down

it's not totally angsty but doomed because they close this page and then don't talk about it and then they don't talk at all and THEN we know how it ends

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Single Seers! if I ever finish it.....

8. Do you get hate on fics?

no)

I'm a little surprised that I didn't get any hate to Отражённый выстрел even on ficbook (Russian fic platform) but this is not an invitation :)

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

yes🛐🛐🛐🛐

It's good for mental health. Nothing of it is posted. yet? who knows. But let me see... There is some gentle sex, a/b/o, bondage, inappropriate use of lightsabers, dub-con, SO MANY HANDCUFFS- ahem

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

not really? unless we count a fix-it of Endgame ending with Agent Carter characters telling Steve to fuck off

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

no (unless I don't know about something? hm...)

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

YES YES YES YES beautiful incredible wonderful sent to me by heaven and hell charmwasjess generously loves my stories and helps translate them. without them, none of my fics (or rare posts lol) would have seen the light of day

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

nope

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

I'm in the captivity of syku right now but codywan was in my heart for a long time. not enough to post something but I have few drafts with them.

I have few winterhawk fics and seeing them sometimes on my dash still warms my heart

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

all my wips???

there are too many of them but I think I have the most doubts about Войска самых светлых намерений (Troops of the brightest intentions) # Qui-Gon lives # Qui-Gon training Anakin # not a fix-it # grief # sith Obi-Wan

16. What are your writing strengths?

Descriptions? I really enjoy writing about paranormal things like the Force and visions. I don’t often manage to describe nature, but I think this also comes out well. And when I finally START writing, I can write half a chapter

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

PLANNING

Seriously, there was a GIF recently with Tom laying down the rails right in front of this speeding train? It's me. I have a scene, I have a vibe, I have no idea what’s between these vibes

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I'm not sure that translating and adapting dialogue = writing dialogue in this language, so I have no thoughts

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Undertale

this was an isekai fic about an albino and I think that says enough. it can't be found anymore :)

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

between the stars I think. these idiots having fun and kissing and so stupidly in love- ask me again after I finish Single Seers and I Pray

[voidify333]

20 Questions for fic writers

I was tagged by @almarnatiaam- thanks!

1. How many works do you have on A03?

36

2. What's your total A03 word count?

133,211

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Mostly Ace Attorney these days.

I've also written for Les Mis and Good Omens; Les Mis makes up most of my works at 20 (though 4 of those aren't really fics, they're fanart pieces I posted to ao3 for sewerexchange).

And there's a couple random fics that aren't any of these: The Temptation Of Immediate Relief is a Pride & Prejudice missing scene fic that I wrote for high school english class and posted a polished version after graduation, and All Alone is a short War & Peace fic expanding the character of Anatole's wife who's entirely just a plot device with no character in canon (elephant in the room: the name I chose for her was retroactively made weird by my later fandom journeys by being cognate to the name of a completely different character, but like, whatever). I still think both of these are pretty good

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Wilson & Sons (Good Omens outsider POV fic about Aziraphale's barber, a family business that he's been going to since the 1700s), at 1861 kudos

You're Better Off Without Him (Good Omens outsider POV about the guy in episode 4 who says that line), at 763 kudos

perfectly statue-still (Ace Attorney 3+1 fic about elevators being a trigger for Miles, angst with a happy ending), at 433 kudos

driving back in style (in my saloon will do quite nicely) (Good Omens fic, silly cute little A/C getting together scenario), at 303 kudos

naughty list (Ace Attorney fic; angst with a happy ending; the premise is that Gregory didn't get to tell Miles that Santa wasn't real so when the von karma household didn't do santa Miles thought he was on the naughty list for a solid 4 years. If you haven't read it, ho ho ho 'tis the season to read it now), at 241 kudos

Yeah, my good omens stuff is never being unseated from the top of my leaderboard unless I end up getting into an even bigger fandom at some point in the future

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to, because comments absolutely give me life and I need a constant stream of them, but unfortunately I don't get around to it often enough

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Absolute angstiest out of my published works is probably my very first ao3 fic, not quite nowhere to turn. Valjean sees Javert die and is too late to do anything. The fic is very flawed in that I was 15 and had not learned how to do subtlety, I can't look at it now, but I was a hyperlexic kid with A's in English so I think it's still better than what most people were writing as teens

Second answer is merry christmas., my most recent fic (if you haven't read it yet, HO HO HO TIS THE SEASON), it's Miles' POV for the first bit of Turnabout Goodbyes, it ends on a note of hopelessness that he's doomed to be convicted, but it only debatably counts since anyone who's played the games knows that the turnabout is coming

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Most of my stuff has pretty happy endings, that's just my sensiility as a writer-- even "not quite nowhere to turn" has an afterlife reunion scene-- so I'm not sure what to say here.

There's some fics where the conflict was trivial in the first place (comedy and crack stuff), there's some fics where I feel in hindsight that the ending was a copout and that a rockier path to happiness would have been more interesting if I had mustered the strength to write it (When Tomorrow Comes is the primary example tbh), and there's some where it feels earned (the fics in this category include the ones I like the most)

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I've thankfully never gotten hate on AO3 that I can recall

9. Do you write smut?

Yes I do, but none of it is up on my ao3 account at this time. I have a ton in my google docs though...

10. Do you write crossovers?

I've written a couple. Both of them, funnily enough, of the format "javert meets one of my other blorbos and they recognise what they have in common"

In "and if you fall" (honestly the point of the title would have landed better if I did the full lyric "and if you fall (as lucifer fell)" but at the time that felt too corny), Crowley happens to be in the right place at the right time to talk Javert down from jumping (context: within GO book canon Crowley was asleep for the 19th century except for getting up in 1832 for a loo break)

In "The Choice Of Death" Miles Edgeworth meets Javert's ghost (AA ghost lore notwithstanding) one liminal night during his year away

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of.

On a tangent though, bc there's no question directly relevant to share this info, I HAVE gotten fanart for a fic before: this amazing fanart by @maym0rin for chapter 2 of "perfectly statue-still" (she gave me permission to crosspost it on tumblr bc she didn't have tumblr at the time but she later got tumblr when the twitter ship started sinking). There is nothing more flattering as an author than getting fanart, I hope this first time isn't the last time

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not yet!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes, I helped with @almarnatiaam's fic A King's Heart and got a co-writer credit.

And outside of cowriting on the level of be listed as cowriter on ao3, my friend who doesn't have tumblr (it's tsl for all the mtnr server friends reading this) and I have been collaborating and bouncing ideas on each other's fics for... wow, it's been over a year now!

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

Honestly it would have to be Valvert because it got to me at a formative time and has shaped the kinds of ships I like for life

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

What do you mean "the" wip????

I have two dead fics and counting (one for les mis, one for good omens), and that's just the ones where I posted the initial content before realising it's too intimidating to finish. There's so many more in my docs; my friends know about some of them

16. What are your writing strengths?

Here are some that I have no problem bragging about, I reread my own fics often and smile at the moments where I did a banger line

Character voice (especially when the characters are my blorbos)

Using fancy vocabulary with precision in the prose to achieve effect (a skill born from trying to copy the vibes of victor hugo)

Witty prose humour (a skill born from trying to copy the vibes of pratchett & gaiman)

Prose from the POV of someone in a fucked up state- someone in a dark place emotionally, or someone whose motivations are fundamentally misguided or outright malicious. This is THE most fun shit to write for me

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Committing to long term character pain and tragic character conflict when it's not pulled/extrapolated directly from canon. I have many times read a fic where the author puts blorbo through the ringer and thought "damn if only I wasn't such a fucking coward and could write stuff like this". I've become less of a coward over the years and now enjoy

Writing anything long without a detailed plan for the entire thing

The need to use words with precision and write perfectly in character is as much a weakness as a strength. I am not a "write a whole first draft then edit" person I am a "dot points for the bits I don't have perfect words for" person and this sometimes causes issues where I assume I'll figure out how to get from A to B later but then it turns out to not make sense to get from A to B

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I have 4 years of Duolingo French and have used this occasionally for my Les Mis works. The way I think of my Les Mis works is that the characters are all speaking French behind the fourth wall but the fourth wall translates for us, so I avoid puns that only work in English except on a couple super cracky occasions.

For Inspector Javert Chooses Death (a fic with the premise "AU where instead of dying Javert fakes his death like Edgeworth and goes to england and unrepresses his homosexuality") I was originally planning to write the whole letter near the end of the fic in french and put the translation in footnote but my beta reader got confused so I scrapped that and had the prose paraphrase most of the letter and only included one French sentence

19. First fandom you wrote for?

First fandom I published fic on ao3 for was Les Mis. First fandom I published fic anywhere online for was Animorphs (when I was 12 I published a weird dark comedy fic to FFN which was a 5+1 or similar format of Visser Three executing people for slighting him by morphing into huge creatures and eating them. Then people on animorphsforum.com told me the fic was bad so I lost all confidence and didn't write fic again for years)

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

Right now it's between my two most recent AA solo fics: merry christmas. (already explained; 1-4 fic) and the perfect weapon (Manfred POV throughout his revenge plot, SUPER fun to write all that villain pov, grew from the premise "he had to have known about the nightmare to plan all that")

My best Les Mis fic is but i have seen the same (i know the shame in your defeat); it explores my favourite parallel with a cool alternating scene format and I actually still like the writing and characterisation even all these years later which is a rare honour for one of my high school Les Mis fics

Tagging: @squadron-of-damned @kaleran @samioli @ashkazora @azalawa-scroggs

[ocular-intercourse]

I apologise in advance.....1,10,11,14,15,21,27,33,34, and 56 for anyone you want to answer for ~

you madwoman (thank you 🥰💕) i'll go for the big three, naturally, plus bonus belen

1. What’s the lie your character says most often?

Asher: ??? the boy is like 98% lie at this point, at least while Eden is still alive, afterward too. he lies daily, easily and proficiently. it scares Devin sometimes, seeing how easily Asher can lie. i'd say trying to seem like he is no longer feeling suicidal post eden's death would be the biggest lie, but that's not really something he says out loud.

Belen: any version of "i'm in the right", even if she instantly regrets something she has said or changes her mind later on, she has a hard time admitting she was wrong/has doubts

Finn: classic "i'm fine :)" when he very much isn't, but he's a terrible liar, similarly: agreeing to help someone even if he does not want to/does not have the capacity to do so. otherwise he lies by omission a lot, that boy likes his secrets

Gyo: surprisingly, for a person that has a lot of dark secrets, gyo does not even lie all that often?? people just assume stuff and he keeps quiet if their opinion suits him. i guess portraying the empire's good as his motivator rather than a means to an end (fulfilling his personal goals) would be it. on a personal level: acting as if his non-existent relationship to his son does not bother him and telling himself he cannot change it/it's for the best this way.

10. What fact do they excitedly tell everyone about at every opportunity?

none of them feel like someone that tells people the same fact over and over so here are variations on that

Asher: some sort of new music artist or album that has come out recently or he just discovered and thinks would suit somebody's tastes. he also likes to brag about his siblings.

Belen: probably some obscure science or tech fact, like "have you heard they can cure XY now?" or "they are seriously making headway researching cyrostasis"

Finn: probably something cool he gets to do thanks to his career

Gyo: picturing gyo talking to anybody about anything in an exciting way is funny. he avoids talking to people if he does not have to. he might get excited talking to subordinates about their training. he also gets very proud grandpa when it comes to his granddaughter and her accomplishments.

11. If someone was impersonating them, what would friends / family ask or do to tell the difference?

i imagine the classic you have to differentiate between two clones and kill the right one scenario

Asher: This one is surprisingly hard lol, he can so easily slip into an act that you would always go "well that /could/ be asher pretending to xy". They might ask his birth name.

Belen: Ask her about something she was wrong about or a core belief of hers, like idk how homeless people should be treated or whether there should be secure locations for people to do drugs in etc. she gets intense about this kind of stuff.

Finn: Asking him to tell a believable lie would be a good choice. You could also give him an earnest compliment about something he cares about deeply, he's not good at accepting those without cringing.

Gyo: Ask him to smile??

14. How do they put out a candle?

Asher and Belen would simply blow it out.

Finn likes to play with fire, if he does not blow it out he'd lick his fingers and kill the flame by pressing the wick with his thumb and index finger.

Gyo would do the same without the finger licking. He /could/ theoretically use all kinds of flashy powers to put out a candle, but he prefers being practical and efficient over being theatrical.

15. What’s the most obvious difference between their behavior at home, at work, at school, with friends, and when they’re alone?

Asher: God Asher is so complicated. So there's two modes, right? One is what his father trained him to do, which is act in whatever way that is most favorable to his family. Either make others feel at ease around him and/or express his superiority and power. The other is Asher acting out, during which he simultaneously enjoys seeing others scramble to please him and feels incredibly bitter about other people's reactions to his status and wealth always being that they try to suck up to him even when he's currently and purposefully being the biggest asshole. The biggest difference between Asher outside and Asher at home is him using neither of these modes and just being, with no hidden agenda of some sort. But i do think he sometimes slips into either his 'charmer' or 'being intentionally difficult' mode without really meaning to.

Belen: Belen is more comfortable being loud and rude around her friends and family. She still sticks to her opinions very strongly in public but will definitely express them in a more controlled manner. Think "You should not have done that, in my opinion" vs "What are you, stupid, you dumb fucking idiot". She has a very professional self for the outside world.

Finn: Finn is also more reserved around strangers, but more in a way of being more on guard, mostly emotionally. He'll be analyzing people first to see how to act around them/if he wants to interact with people at all. Once he has decided to trust people, he certainly has the approach of putting his best foot forward. He starts out especially charming and allows flaws to shine through much, much later in a friendship. He's more subdued, but also more real around loves ones.

Gyo: I think Gyo's public strategy is kinda 'show the least amount of personality possible, so people have a harder time finding targets'. He's happy with whatever image they develop of him as long as it's not his true self, that would make him vulnerable. I also think there's an interesting gradient from 'total strangers' to 'acquaintances' to 'personal space'. The people of the empire admire him as a heroic general. There are some people on a professional level, like other generals, that dislike him cause he is so stoic and gruff and doesn't try to get on peoples' good sides. And when people get close to him they often get surprised that he's actually kind of kind, in a way? Or down to earth at least, while many of the other army officials are entitled assholes. So his image goes from positive to negative to positive again, depending on how close you are to him. And being by himself is the only time he's not alert and tense 24/7.

21. What common etiquette do they disagree with? Do they still follow it?

Asher: Asher disagrees with all etiquette, meaning he thinks it's all society-constructed bullshit. However, he also knows the value of these tools and uses them to his advantage. That could also mean he decides /not/ to use common etiquette to make a point and publically snub another person.

Belen: Shaking hands. She'd rather not cause she does not know what people have done with their hands before. Depending on the setting she might just refuse or try to avoid, but there are some situations, professionally, where she will still do it.

Finn: The biggest bullshit etiquette for Finn is the "respect your elders" thing. He might offer an older person his seat in public transport, but that has less to do with their age and more their physical health, he'd do the same for frail younger people. Coming from a culture that places a high value on a child's obedience and respect for their parents while also growing up with an abusive father really ingrained it in him that not all older people deserve this kind of reverence automatically.

Gyo: Gyo has a bit of a love/hate relationship towards etiquette. He's been treated like sub-human for a large chunk of his life, and pretty much until he became a general there was nobody directing any kind of etiquette towards him. So now it's a point of pride, being in a circle that treats him with that kind of respect, but that can also leave him feeling quite bitter, looking at his past. At a deeper level, he dislikes these kinds of societal games, but he's a pro at them. Well-trained dog, i think he'd have trouble going against etiquette, it's just automated for him.

27. What’s the worst gift they ever received? How did they respond?

Asher: Good gifts have been extremely rare for Asher. It's that kind of thing where people go "What do you give a person that can buy anything they want". A lot of superficially good gifts with no heart. But he is also very much programmed to react happy and thankful. The worst gifts he received were probably fancy things from total strangers that wanted to get good standing with his family. Apple sending the newest iPad with every generation, stuff like that.

Belen: For Belen, the worst gifts are some that could be considered close enough to her interests, while completely ignoring her personality. Like "Hey you're into video games, right?" and they give her a copy of some random shooter, cause it's a popular game, but not something she'd enjoy playing personally. Somehow a person putting in some effort, but not enough, is worse to her than a person paying no attention at all. The disappointment gets greater the closer she is to the gift-giver.

Finn: His parents are probably great with really passive-aggressive gifts. Like here is some equipment for an activity we would like you to enjoy, when Finn has no interest in doing so, ever. Oh also: cheap knock-off versions of popular products when he was still in school. Fake no-name Adidas while every other kid got the real stuff.

Gyo: Gyo does not ever expect gifts, even on days like his birthday, so being gifted anything is a positive surprise, even if he dislikes it. Its very similar to the etiquette thing. The fact that he is important enough (in what way doesnt matter) to have a person think of gifting him something is already a gift in itself. No bad gifts here, sorry.

33. How do they greet someone they dislike / hate?

Asher: Depends on his mood/goals. He has no problem greeting them with a kind smile and open arms, if he'd gain something from it. He also has no problem being downright cruel. It's a coinflip, really.

Belen: Belen might ignore the person altogether or greet them while making it perfectly clear that she has no intention of being friendly with them. A curt nod or a strained "Hey", no physical contact.

Finn: Finn is the most likely to tell someone else to fuck off if they tried to greet him when he dislikes them enough. He does not play nice once someone has lost his respect that way, no matter which setting he's in.

Gyo: Gyo dislikes a staggering amount of people he has to greet daily. His past as a slave has made him very good at polite and calm greetings, even if he's boiling inside. It's all professionalism here. He has a great deal of fun greeting other people like its no big deal while they actively hate him, like it does not affect him at all.

34. How do they greet someone they like / love?

Asher: Physical affection is reserved to very few people, Devin and his siblings, for example. He grew up in a pretty emotionally and physically distant household, and many people tend to keep their distance to not seem intrusive if he does not give any signs that a hug would be okay for him. I think at this point Asher is not great at allowing or actively looking for physical contact, even if he craves it. He needs it to be established that he and the other person are okay with hugs. For someone with little practice his hugs are quite excellent, maybe because he is so hungry for them.

Belen: Belen has a tiny little bit of a tsundere thing going on where she has trouble clearly expressing how excited she is to see somebody, in part because she thinks it should be obvious that she loves seeing her friends. For example, if a friend came to her room to chill and she was doing something at the time, she might not even look up and greet them directly, but immediately integrate the person in what she was doing as if they had been there the whole time. This is especially true if she meets people one-on-one.

Finn: Big bear hugs all around!! Cheek kisses, forhead kisses, head kisses, you name it. He is so full of love and he needs to show people!! Very touchy

Gyo: His greetings remain stoic and professional, but you might get a smile out of him. One exception: His granddaughter greets him with a running start and full body tackle and he readily catches her to hold her close, beaming. It's a sight to see.

56. If they’re scared, who do they want comfort from? Does this answer change depending on the type of fear?

Asher: Asher wants to be alone when he is scared. For the last couple of years his fear stemmed from people being close to him being in danger, so his gut reaction is to hide himself away and ball up in some corner of his room. He medicates himself heavily if it gets especially strong, at least pre Eden's death. Even before Eden started acting up i think Asher was just so used to being competent and taking care of his problems himself that he did not even consider needing somebody else to comfot him. As long as it does not include fear for his loved ones Asher is one of those people that thrives running on fear, it makes him real efficient. Not healthy, but efficient.

Belen: Her dad. Its not that she trusts Devin less but she is so used to being the big, protective sister that showing weakness to him is not her first choice, even if she generally has no problem doing so. I think when it comes to interpersonal stuff and relationships she would go to Devin first.

Finn: Depending on the kind of fear Finn quickly falls back into a "I want my mommy" kind of desperation. Especially about world shaking stuff. If he had a health scare and was waiting for a diagnosis he would go to his mom and have her take care of him. For more generalized anxiety and his brain being mean to him Shawn would definitely be the No. 1, that man can calm him down and keep him calm - especially about irrational stuff - like nobody else.

Gyo: Gyo always had to deal with fear alone, i think he sticks to that. And by "deal with" i mean shove it down reeeeal hard and look the other way. If someone tries to comfot him he reacts aggressively. You can't start pulling on that thread now, he'd crumble.

[zeawesomebirdie]

Twenty Questions for Fic Writers

Thank you so much @unmaskedcardinal for the tag!!

How many works do you have on Ao3?

29 total, but I haven't spent the time crossposting my old ff.net fics yet

2. What's your total Ao3 word count?

198,683

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Like, actively? Cause uh, I'm the kind of person who needs to finish the fic before I can post it, and so I'm currently in the process of a whole bunch of fics that I haven't yet posted. Those are Gunsmoke (radio version), MASH, Star Wars: Legends + Star Wars: prequels, Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, and the DCU (but more like, specifically the all media types of Batman and Superman specifically)

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Truth/Dare (revalink, college!AU, rated T)

Rainy-day Homework (ganlink, college!AU, rated G)

but when i'm alone on the longest nights, i think of you and your fairy lights (beedlink, mostly canon compliant, rated E)

Missing Memories (revalink, angst, rated T)

An Unexpected Picnic (revalink, pre-Calamity, rated G)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to! Recently I haven't been as good about keeping up with them because of my chronic illness stuff, but when I have a good day I try to get them done :) I think it's really fun to connect with people who have similar tastes as I do, and get to discuss headcanons or plot points or what have you!!

6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don't usually write things that end on angst, I usually aim for hurt/comfort or at least some form of hopeful ending. I've been told that Missing Memories is my angstiest fic, but I think that title is actually held by Pompeii (If You Close Your Eyes) (song fic)

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I'd say if i were to save you, would you do the same (kylux). It's the whole surviving against all odds and then looking toward the future thing, you know?

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not on Ao3, but I have on ff.net. It's been a few years since those days though!

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I do!! I just don't post it, for reasons related to I haven't finished the fics in question yet lol. I try to write it as a way for the characters to explore each other and connect on a different level beyond the usual grime and gore and horror of the worlds they live in.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

So. I don't have any posted yet oh no I've said this like five times by now ahh, however I have plot bunnies for a MASH/Star Wars: prequels crossover, and I just started plotting out a Gunsmoke/DCU crossover. I think the Gunsmoke/DCU one is crazier exclusively because it's a very tiny fandom for a radio/TV show from the 50's mixed with the whole Batman and Superman fandoms, which. Kind of a large set of fandoms there ngl

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I have no idea. Probably, but I haven't heard about it.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I did the 2021 Kylux Big Bang with @viraaja and the 2021 Obikin Big Bang with @skittlles !! I'd love to do more work with others at some point, genuinely wonderful experiences!

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

Is it a cop out to say I just don't have one? I never really leave a fandom, even once I'm not actively writing for it, I just kind of cycle through them, so I cycle through my ships accordingly. Maybe PruCan (Hetalia), if only because they're my oldest otp??

15. What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

Well. Ideally none of them. I have every intention of eventually finishing everything I'm currently writing, hence why I refuse to post them until they're done. That said, I've been sitting on several mostly-finished fics for like three+ years without actively working on them so. We'll see.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I've been told my characterisation is really good, and I try to get as accurate a voice as I can for every character!!!

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Repeating phrases and words without intending to. I used that exact word three times in like three paragraphs in a row, why am I like this!

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Two thoughts: if you know enough of the language to have proper grammar and etc sure go for it, but also, is it being used with or without translation? If no one else is supposed to understand (besides the reader), I think that's very fun and 10/10, but if the other characters are supposed to understand and it's a lengthy bit, I think there can be other more effective ways to get that across.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Phineas and Ferb, and honestly I regret deleting those fics so so much now! I have no records of my writing from back then, and yes I found them cringe as an older teenager but now I just wish I could go back and tell my 13 year old self how far we've come.

20. Favourite fic you've written?

Whatever is most recently finished. Right now that's but when i'm alone on the longest nights, i think of you and your fairy lights :)

No pressure tags:

@viraaja @steine-druff @aeriedwelling @someguywriting @astrophilic-soul and anyone else who wants to join!

[tessabennet]

20 Questions For Fic Writers

Thanks to both @somanywords and @zenaidamacrouras1 for tagging me 💛

I'm gonna put my answers under a cut, lest this post becomes a nuisance on other people's dash lol

I don't know who already did this in my very small circle of fic writer friends here, so for any writers who see this and want to do it too, you are hereby officially tagged 🤗

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

I currently have 7 works on AO3, two translations and 5 that I've actually written. I kind of think of those 5 as one fic though, bc it's one series, and on my laptop it's all one big document

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

493,817 (I can already say though that by the time my series will be fully posted, that number will be much higher, possibly even doubled)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Marve (more specifically the MCU), and exclusively Stucky

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

These City Walls

Carried the Cross

The Hand of a Devil

Still Running

Loosened Chains

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I always try to respond to every comment I get. If I ever don't respond to one, it's absolutely by accident. I want to encourage people to leave comments as much as I can, and I want to give back the appreciation I receive

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Uhm. All of them? I stick with canon, which is pretty much only angst, and I can't exactly make it better by filling the gaps realistically.

If I had to pick one though, I feel like Carried the Cross is the angstiest, given that everyone knows what comes next and that it'll be awful

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

The one with the happiest happy ending is currently in the making. The others that I've posted and/or finished writing, while certainly having happy moments, still end more or less angstily

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I had a few anons a while back that called me a copycat and plagiarist. They told me to take down my work bc it was a ripoff of another famous stucky series with the same premise. It's the one I did those translations for in fact.

And that's something I sometimes think myself, so it's not like I don't see their point. But the messages were written so rudely that I deleted them rather than open a whole can of worms of discourse about that

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I did/do write smut, yes, but none of that is in the fics I posted so far. And the way I write it is definitely very tame, compared to what's out there. But I think the way I write it fits the style I established for the series, and it fits the vibe I'm going for. Maybe when I'll get to editing those chapters I'll make it more explicit, but for now it's pretty mild

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I don't, given that I'm doing canon-verse fic. It would probably be fun to give it a try, and maybe one day I will, but right now I'm planning on taking a break from fic writing as soon as I'm done with the series, so idk if or when that's gonna be in the cards

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

If so, I don't know about it. I hope not

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Sadly not. I'd love that though, I would be so so so excited to get translations or fanart, and especially a podfic version made from my series

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Also no. I don't know if I'm cut out for that tbh, I'm very particular about the way I want things to be written. So I'm not really sure if I'm the most pleasant person to work with in that respect

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

Stucky. Duh

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I am not writing 90k+ wips only to not finish and publish them. Everything I've worked on so far will be published, if it's the last thing I ever do

16. What are your writing strengths?

From the feedback I've received, I'd say it's digging into the deep, complex emotional states of my characters. I've also been told that the way I'm writing them all is very authentic and in character, and that I'm doing a good job with fleshing them out. Which is important for what I'm trying to do with the series, so that's also something I'm proud of

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I am way way too wordy sometimes. I constantly have to cut down my sentences and try to turn them into several shorter ones, bc they get too long or too repetitive. I'm also not entirely sure about the way I handle dialogue, which is kind of a shame since the whole project started with me wanting to practice doing that

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Yes yes yes!! I love it. I loved being able to bring in my native language (german). But even more than that, I like including languages I can kind of understand. I did some French, and luckily I had help with not just getting the meaning across but making it sound like actual native speakers would say it. With Spanish, which I don't speak at all, I asked a friend who's a native speaker, though that was only two lines or so. Also, when I was working on the series and the post-CATFA parts were coming up, I started doing some Russian on duolingo, to drop some phrases here and there. I do have some help there too, but not by a native speaker in this case. Still, it helps to have a second opinion of someone who actually learned this stuff in school

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Stucky is my one and only so far

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

Like I said, I kind of think of them all as one big fic, so it's hard to judge. I'm proudest of the one that I'm publishing atm, Loosened Chains, simply bc it's my own post-CATWS fic and those are my personal favourite to read. Skill-wise, I think the best I did is one I haven't published yet, so I'll withhold that information for now

So... there you go! Thanks again for tagging me, guys, I really enjoyed this 🥰✌️

[ru-star]

Okay, I read this and have never related to anything more in my life. I'm glad OP is living a more happy (While still depressed, I felt that sugar) Mature life, Id like to add my own opinion into this if I may.

While the original post was from 3 years ago over an Instagram Harry Potter influencer Starbucks drink, and some poor sap thinking that the drink was good but turns out the recipe was bad on itself, I’d like to add to this in my own opinion based on what I have read in this post.

If you, or anyone you know tries to make this sorta thing without the knowledge of how Starbucks or that specific Job/industry works, please don't try to post something you think is good for others to try, when in reality it’s just a waist of time or money.

$10 for a syrup-filled drink isn't something I'd be willing to pay for as a customer tbh. That alone is a hell no for me. I'd rather pay for 2 tall boba drinks with jelly boba that's $15 than a coffee-filled syrup mess.

This is like, if a person being depressed tried to talk to someone based on how their feeling depressed, and that person ends up saying “Than just don't be depressed” or “Just be happy” is like an ultimate slap to the face to the person who just tried to get comfort and or help before it got to the point of Self harm or Suicide.

Now, I worked in daycare as both a teacher's Aid, and as a Teacher, and I know that if someone, who has never worked with children, or even has children, let alone babysat kids, tries to tell me how to do something a certain way, even if I've already tried that or know it won't work, would ultimately piss me off to no end, especially if they kept pushing that thing onto me.

Ultimately what I'm saying is, if you know a drink that's simple to make that others would enjoy, post and share it! There's no harm in it, but if you're trying to make something like what OP had said in their post 3 years ago over an Influencers post on a cute Starbucks-themed drink who may or may not have zero knowledge of how the hell Starbucks even works, then please, save everybody some time and effort and don't post that shit for others to try. It's like tempting a toddler to eat a bag full of Typods by leaving it out and opened for them to reach.

If you wanted to make your own theme with a full ‘how-to-do’ step-by-step on the making and receiving process, you also gotta have if not at least different types of milk options as everything you use depends on a personal taste.

Say person A likes their drinks sweet, but person B doesn't. Say they both saw it and make it like the recipe says by said influencer. While Person A likes it and it fits their pallet, Peraon B might be lactose and ends up in a form of pain bc and or in the bathroom bc of how sweet it is along with the milk. And anyone who can't drink actual milk, myself included, knows that even just a glass of that shit can make you run for the hills very quickly if you don't use a different type of milk like Almond or 2% Milk.

Its better to have different options for different types of recipes, and yes I know that not a lotta people are willing to go the extra step and try this out with different things, and just wanna make it once and call it a day, yet honestly I find those influencers who do that to be amazing and who actually care about people who might have those issues and wants everybody to enjoy what they created and to have fun.

And yes I have made my own version of a Starbucks drink before and yes it was on the cheaper side and no I have never worked at a Starbucks before but here is something I used to drink before buying the stuff got a little expensive. You can find it at Walmart if you're in the U.S. but for other countries you can use whatever doesn't harm ya or make you bloated.

Get a glass or cup (I prefer my mason jar with a steal straw bc save the turtles).

Either get caramel syrup, chocolate, or whatever you use or none at all, and squirt it into the cup before spinning it around to create a fancy-looking pattern before maybe, if your like me and like the caramel ribbons in the straw, put some at the bottom of the cup to your liking.

You can fill it with crushed or solid ice, doesn't matter bc its gonna be cold anyhow.

Pour in whatever milk you wanna use, this can also be used for creamer and or a froth-like base that you can blend or use that spinny tool for that's overpriced but creates foam anyhow so who cares.

Next, your coffee, I usually use Delight Iced Coffee liquid coffee, but if you have more time than I do, use whatever normal coffee you use and pour that shit into whatever amount you wanna use as doing measurements variables on person to person. I personally just measure until it gets a little high before stopping.

Next, whipped cream. I usually use a lot but just enough to go over the rim of the cup but again, use as much or as little as you like.

Finally, add your syrup or nonsyrup to the whipped cream, and boom. Straw time.

ok enough is enough. whichever one of you virgins invented instagram starbucks recipes, die 1000 deaths. I had a customer come in today holding out their phone (full brightness) and looking all shy and Im immediately like 🙄 fine ok, what does the instagram user want me to make for them this time. well this time it's a cringe harry potter themed frappucino. excuse me??? "can you make this for me?" I said excuse me??? -- I mean *customer service voice* "yeah it looks like I have all the ingredients, haha sure!"

ok cringe instagram harry potter frappucino drinker. ok. die. "Ive never had this drink before" yeah I can tell due to the fact that it didnt exist until someone posted a #aesthetic photo of it to instagram 14 hours ago ok. ok,

but whatever, Im paid to put up with this shit. so I add the ingredients all up on my computer and congrats! ur harry potter cringe social media drink has $10 worth of syrup in it. are you happy??? is this what you wanted??? a $10 frappucino??? $10. for a drink. you doubled the price of this drink for ur off-brand "harry potter and the legend of the overpriced starbucks drink" drink. you doubled the price!!! is this how u imagined spending ur day? is this what u wanted to do when u woke up this morning? $10 for a 24oz drink?

and u know, you KNOW the influencer making this recipe doesn't even work at a starbucks cause when it was all said and done the drink looked like shit. my blender was straining against the weight of your sins (and syrups) and Im sweating, Im an animal, Im losing my mind and my blender is getting watered down frappucino syrups everywhere -- u put so much shit liquid in this blender it doesnt even fit in the cup btw. it's making a huge mess. but is it instagramable? no, its fucking ugly. #trending #foryoupage #cringe $10 harold potter drink for adult children,

so are you happy? is ur social media influencer bestie happy? I made ur stupid $10 drink for u. does it taste good? no? well I hope instagram shuts down tomorrow. I hope you read a different book. I hope I never get sober. there is no sign of land. I hope you die. I hope we both die.

[brooklynbrunette]

Lately, life has been nothing but work. But I have been better about setting boundaries, and telling people off when something is handed to me that isn’t in my job description, or admitting when I’m simply not capable of something. What is that saying? Jack of all trades, master of none? That about sums up how I’ve felt about my career path.

I know it seems like I’m painting myself in a negative light, but no— I’m actually so delusional I believe I’ll be the one person to master everything I put my mind to. I want it all. And I say it to myself over and over again. I want it ALL. And I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure I make myself happy.

Lately, it seems that I’m craving support. Support to take the next step, support to make me feel like if I take the next step and fall, I have people there to hold me up in case I crumble completely. And I won’t lie, there are still days where I refuse to ask for help, but I’ve now reached the point where I’m comfortable admitting my feelings. I’m not afraid to share them with the people I’m feeling them about, either.

It’s strange, because I’ve also been craving for someone to walk into my life to just make me give a shit. To care about me, and make me care about them back. It’s as if, for once, I’m not chasing the high of a hookup, but the subtle hum of stability. Of growth. Of growing…with someone? I’ve never felt that for as long as I can remember.

I was raised with the mentality that I had to find someone my parents would love and accept in order for me to love them back. But, I think because I’ve come so much closer to knowing who I want to be, I finally know what I’m looking for to make myself happy. And that’s a huge fucking step for me.

Another feat was ending a toxic relationship—errr…I mean “situationship”— with a guy that became a safe place for all the bad feelings and insecurities I harbored about myself. My king… of self sabotage. He stood for the absolute lowest version of myself, and cutting him out for good really opened up my heart. Getting more confident in myself did that even more.

I’ve analyzed love and fantasized over the idea of love since I was 15. I used to be ashamed to say it but now I think I’m ready to admit that I ran from my feelings as a teenager because I never gave myself the chance to believe in what I was feeling. I thought feelings were stupid, they made me weak, and they ruined how I felt about myself. Now, I know there’s no shame in it. Feelings are what make life colorful, they’re what make things feel raw and real. And I want to experience that. I can’t just pretend to be a robot void of all human feeling forever.

Anyways, this is a post I wanted to make to reassure myself for a date I have tonight. I actually planned an outfit, and got excited to get dressed and look pretty for a guy. I don’t know how it’ll play out but the last time I got excited over a date was… freshman year of college? Four years ago.

I’m just trying to enjoy it for what it is, and although this is the last possible moment in my life that I’d think to welcome a relationship, they always say shit happens when you least expect it. So this is me—not expecting a single thing. :)

[pilferingapples]

huge thanks to @persefoneshalott​ for introducing me to the 1943 Mexican Les Mis movie 

It takes an unusual approach, starting with Cosette leaving the convent with Valjean, and them setting up their life together. It actually spends time on this! and their Cosette and Valjean are a super cute family; Valjean delights in giving her presents and being her guide in the world, and she’s so happy to be having adventures with her dad, and there’s a fantastic bit where Valjean shares a Secret Dream with her: that he’s always wanted to buy an old book and read in the garden, and aaaaah it’s so perfect for him and so sweet?? It really makes you feel for them as a family

also Cosette’s clothes are like. Shockingly good for a movie in 1943 about 183X?

I mean it’s not about to challenge Gentleman Jack for accuracy or anything but this is pretty good! She’s got bonnets and pelerines! And So Much Sleeves!

The guys don’t fare badly either! Marius and Joly are a little too slicked-down maybe (Marius is in the hat, here):

but look at those high collars! Joly’s sideburns! the very stylish over-long sleeve cuffs peeking out from under Joly’s coat sleeves! Even Marius being in a kinda unhip coat works for him. 

(Also Joly owns a revolutionary bookstore in this one?? amazing choice) 

And look how they use Fashion as social signifier in this scene with Javert, of all people!

That’s Javert; his superior’s valet; and his superior, who is in the process of being dressed  in front of him. It establishes Javert’s status so well- you don’t get dressed in front of a social equal, there’s all kinds of rules about what a Respectable Society Man can wear in Real Company , but in front of the servants, well...

(this movie does a great job overall of establishing that Javert is not only not highly ranked, he’s Barely Tolerated and has about the social clout of a guard dog, it’s incredible for that) 

ALSO this movie does something I’ve wanted to see an adaptation do  for ages, and uses its post-convent starting point to really build up mystery around Valjean! the Mother Superior of the convent notes that he has more money than he should, and also doesn’t remember exactly when he reached the convent. Javert is sure he’s a hardened criminal. The Thenardiers consider him a kidnapper and think he used a position as a city official to steal a fortune.  We get the whole Gorbeau raid, with suppositions and theories about him flying thick and fast, and Valjean answers none of it, and the narrative answers none of it, and Valjean gets to be presented as being Mysterious and Shady as hell, and it’s just fantastic?? I love this, let Valjean be a man of Ominous Gothic Mystery!

Also the revolution plot is introduced in the first 15 minutes? Via Marius and Joly of all people? love that for them 

anyway I’m only about halfway through but so far this is unironically becoming one of my favorite versions??