#there are a few ways this can go but daehyun's generally a sweet guy ! a tad overprotective but also easy to corrupt / manipulate | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

pastwinter · 6 years ago

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heya, dears!! i’m just reposting this list of neato, romantic plots since it’s been a while and the list has gotten a little longer -- as usual, like this or shoot me a message if there’s something you’re interested in!

baek jinho | runaway manhwa artist | heterosexual | 24

a lil inspired by the truth untold by bts, i’d love!! a plot in which emotionally cautious jinho develops feelings for muse b ( a literal light! someone who really knows how to pull jinho out of her shell ) , and as is her habit, she keeps it all bottled in and hides it -- but! she’s awfully honest in her latest manhwa in which she depicts the protagonist finding the courage to admit her feelings, and it’s honestly so obvious!! that the love interest is a portrayal of muse b!! to everyone except muse b who has yet to read the manhwa ( or maybe they’re just oblivious ) . and maybe if we want to take it down the angsty route, muse b gets into a relationship with someone before jinho can confess her feelings??

ideally i’d like for muse b to have an outgoing personality seeing as jinho can lean towards reserved. age doesn’t matter so much really?? but she’s heterosexual, so muse b must be male.

jinho’s 24 and she has a little brother who’s 19, so anyone around that age she’ll label as a “ kid ” and dote on them like she would her brother so if anyone wants a classic “ i like you but you treat me like a child B(( ” plot, come at me!! and either gender could work here, but it’ll be angsty if your muse is a gal since jinho can’t return her feelings... and doesn’t that sound like fun : )))

“ you keep confessing to me and i keep turning you down bc i’m honestly scared out of my mind that i would ruin everything but good golly gosh you’re very persistent aren’t you?? and psh no this isn’t a date! i’m just humoring you bc i feel bad ( but we both know that’s a frikkin lie ) ”

also see this post for a few other plots i’m dying for starring my lil runaway!

lee gwangmin | youtuber | bisexual | 23

a second meeting with his first boyfriend!! bc while gwangmin cared for him deeply ( maybe even?? this guy was his first love?? ) , i can see the two having broken up bc gwangmin refused to acknowledge that his parents had an issue with his sexuality despite their uncomfortable words of support. he refused to talk about it and went to lengths to avoid having his parents and boyfriend around each other for extended periods of time, and that had to be frustrating!! and stressful considering this would have been around the time they’d be graduating/had just graduated high school. so maybe that’s why they broke up?

the reason can always be discussed, but i’d love a second meeting in which both of them have grown up a little! and maybe confront the fact that gwangmin is STILL avoiding the problem.

also gimme a prickly pear who isn’t so prickly around gwangmin bc he’s such a wholesome sweetie pie and makes them feel so good about themselves and just!! happy in general!! and maybe they start to like him more than they should and gwangmin can tell but stays quiet bc... they’re so... CUTE when they’re trying to hide it!! and when it comes out on accident or they witness someone coming onto gwangmin and they get embarrassed and frightened of his reaction, he’s just grinning bc of course he likes them!!

y’all i’ll admit it right now -- i’m weak for cliche plots but who isn’t??

kim nari | professional dork singer | bisexual | 18-21

so my little ray of sunshine can be played during her time as a trainee or during her time as an idol

so pretty pls gimme a sunbae-hoobae relationship that’s 90% platonic and mentor-like and 10% something more. but is that something more acknowledged?? not if you want to avoid scandals and secret relationships!!

but maybe... it DOES get acknowledged... and they gotta sneak around... but nari’s just debuted finally, and if it’s revealed she’s dating, that could be really bad for her... “ the timing might be bad but n o we’re not breaking up bc of a ‘ what if ’ ”

“ you’re that boy i ran away from back in middle school when you confessed to me and continued to avoid afterwards but now we’re older and dating isn’t so scary and you grew up to be incredibly handsome wow... also i’m so sorry ”

maybe said boy is a fellow idol?? a producer?? or she just runs into him by chance?? either way, it’ll be awkward for nari B ))

bc i’m weak for the idea ( and is it cliche?? MAYBE ) , consider your muse joining a show in which idols are paired with their “ ideal types, ” and nari just so happens to be on the show, too. now, this could go a few ways!

the producers are mistaken in pairing nari with your muse bc the two of them HATE each other!! but maybe not as much as they first thought.

OR they’re utterly smitten with each other... but they’re not paired together! they’re someone else’s ideal types, so do they pine and never act on their feelings or do some sneaking about without anyone knowing??

also give me a prickly pear who isn’t so prickly for nari bc she’s the actual sun and makes them feel so warm and soft :’ ))

choi donghae | lost soul | bisexual | 20

you know what i’d love?? an angsty plot in which your muse assists donghae in moving on aka brings his murderer to justice before danbi has a chance to kill him and before he’s able to take another victim. and while it’s a happy moment bc he and his sister can finally be at peace, it’s bittersweet bc your muse sincerely cares for him

i’d also give my left shoe for a plot where donghae starts acting as your muse’s guardian angel bc he misses them and doesn’t know what else to do with his extra time and they eventually figure it out bc no one has THAT much good luck

also donghae pretending to be human around your muse and starting to fall for them but that sweet boy just can’t!! keep such a big secret from them!!

and if we wanna go down the human!donghae route, gimme that classic “ bad boy/girl meets good boy ” but instead of corrupting donghae, he starts to rub off on them and that’s not good for their reputation, dude

choi danbi | bitter specter | bisexual | 20

" i’ve been pretending that i’m not dead by appearing to you when barely anyone is around but you ran into my mom and mentioned me and now you’re confused and shaking bc according to her, donghae and i are still missing, so i suppose i owe you some answers now ”

“ i saved you from getting mugged one time and it was very freaky and ghostly and now you’re purposely looking for me in random allies?? are you dumb??? and why is this so endearing to me?? ”

and for human!danbi, how about a rival athlete who she Hates but kissed one time when she was tipsy and now... now she hates them even MORE bc they won’t let her forget about it!!

son daehyun | grim reaper | heterosexual | o l d... but looks 28

before i even start, let me point out that daehyun is based upon the grim reapers from tvn’s goblin, but he’s part of a unit who specializes in finding the souls who were never allowed to move on

so... how about he's assigned to find a soul who was supposed to die YEARS ago, but narrowly avoided death through a miracle only a greater being could have caused and like... he’s gotta keep an eye on her bc she shouldn’t even exist but there’s no way that he can reap her when she’s living her life! but every time she finds herself about to die, daehyun is there against his better judgement to save her until he’s too late

but maybe... she finds her way back to him bc she refuses to let go of their memories :’ ))

and gimme senior reaper dae having to show this rookie reaper the ropes and he’s trying to act all tough and cool for her, and while it’s so obvious how soft he really is, the rookie lets dae do his thing bc it’s cute. and she tells him so -- and dae is flabbergasted

“ cute?? me??? nO i’m not blushing shut up ”

ALSO dae meeting his love from a past life!! i already typed up a starter for this scenario a while back, but i’d also really love to plot it out!

son soojin | old soul | pansexual | technically old as heck but 26 in this life

lil info before we begin -- soojin is a reincarnated soul who chose to keep her memories in hopes of being reunited with her lover one day

what if… her lover was actually an immortal being of some sort?? and they’ve been sad bc they’ve gone all this time thinking they’d never see her again but wait!! it’s her!! she just has a different face bc reincarnation is apparently a thing!!

or similarly – they were broken up about her death but it’s been centuries, dude… they’re Over It and have moved on and are in love without someone else. sucks to be soojin.

oR soojin’s fallen in love with someone in this life, maybe even contemplating marriage when who is that she stumbles upon?? her lover from her first life?? well fRIK

O R soojin finds her lover, they don’t recognize her bc she has a different face, and she withholds who she really is bc they seem so… happy with their s/o. happy without her. and maybe it’s time she lets them go bUT WAIT A SECOND THERE SHE SLIPS UP and says something only SHE would have known/said!! her cover’s blown!! uh oh : )))

chae jihoon | vampire bar owner | bisexual | 94 but looks 24

how about you gimme jihoon seeing his first love for the first time since they turned him and ran away : ))))

so originally i wrote the person who turned jihoon was a lady, but!! it really doesn’t matter tbh. they just need to be on the wild side with a soft center :’ ) and apparently have a fear of commitment!

but really just!! give me a surprise meeting or maybe it’s on purpose -- maybe they really missed jihoon and just wanted to see how he was doing after all these years. maybe they want a second chance or a chance to apologize. whatever the reason, give it to me!!

also give me this horrible situation that ends in disaster : ))) once again, the gender is flexible since i haven’t put a ton of thought into this person who wiggles their way into jihoon’s heart during his darkest time.

and who knows?? maybe our muses can have a happy ending instead of that sad ending! or... maybe not : )

also give me this softness right here thanks!!

and now just some general scenarios i’d love to see!!

polyships pls and thanks!! gwangmin and nari are one cute duo or could be paired separately with two other muses, as well as most of my other muses -- the only ones i don’t think would be up for it ( or at the very least be very difficult to convince ) would be jinho bc she's so wary of relationships to begin with and daehyun.

but give me the cute first date, the cuddling and kisses and before that, the proposition of dating each other. give me the angst where one thinks the other two don’t like them as much as they do each other. give me breaking up just to get back together bc it being just two of them doesn’t feel right anymore.

any sort of fan meets their idol plot! i’m Weak for them

best friends to lovers bc who doesn’t love those??

“ i’ve got a tough/cold image but i’m soft for you ” plots!!

#indie krp #krp indie #krp lit #open krp #indie rp #i added a bit here and there but the big addition is jihoon's plots since i hadn't created him yet when i originally made this #also i probably won't message anyone tonight bc i'm tired and not feeling so swell but! i've got tomorrow off!#so i plan on messaging people then when i've had more sleep!

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noona-clock · 7 years ago

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When BAP is still in love with you

Thanks to another request by a lovely anon, although this one is a bit more sad than the last BAP reaction. :( Poor guys!

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the gifs used.

- Admin B

Yongguk

Seeing you at the grocery store with your new boyfriend would not be what Yongguk had anticipated when he left his apartment. He would just be there to get some ramen! He wouldn’t expect to see you there let alone with another guy. A guy who wasn’t him. Yongguk would take the break-up pretty badly since he still has major feelings for you. He would spend a lot of his time thinking about you and wondering what he could have done differently to keep from driving you away (even though he wouldn’t show it to anyone else). He would have trouble sleeping, and he would spend most nights in the studio, alone, working on songs. Really depressing songs. He wouldn’t approach you in the grocery store; in fact, he would try to hide from you so you wouldn’t see him. And after buying his ramen, he would go back home and start writing yet another depressing song.

Himchan

Himchan would hate seeing you at the club, dancing and laughing with some guy. It would honestly put a damper on his whole night because he’d be at the club to stop thinking about you. To remind himself he shouldn’t still be in love with you. You had dumped him, so obviously the problem was yours, not his. So to see the person he was trying to forget? UGH. Himchan might try to compensate by acting like he’s having too much fun; being loud and a little obnoxious (to try and catch your attention). He’d want you to see he’s doing just fine without you, even though he’s really, really not. When he’d get home, he would call one of the other members for reassurance. He just wouldn’t understand why you would leave him for somebody else.

Daehyun

Daehyun would be shocked to see you in the audience, sitting next to your new boyfriend. He’d seen your pictures with him on social media, so he would know right away that’s who the guy was. He would be very touched at you coming to see his play, but he would wish you hadn’t come - especially with him. Daehyun’s mind would be distracted constantly by thoughts of you ever since you said you couldn’t handle his busy schedule anymore and walked out. He would always think of you and wonder if you were doing okay. Pictures don’t always tell the truth, so Daehyun would secretly hope the pictures you’d posted of you and your new boyfriend were just a way to hide how sorry you were you’d left. But seeing you in person, seeing how you looked and smiled at him, would dash all hopes Daehyun would have of trying to win you back. When the show would start, Daehyun would put on his best act, singing his heart out and letting his real heartbreak take over. His fellow cast mates would congratulate him on such an amazing performance - even better than usual!

Youngjae

Seeing you at the park drinking bubble tea with your new boyfriend would make Youngjae freeze as he was walking. He would be surprised to see you in general, but he’d have no idea you’d have a new boyfriend already. This definitely interfered with his plan to get over you. Just minutes after the break-up, Youngjae would whip out his phone and start googling the best ways to fall out of love with someone. He would start a note, listing the ways he found which could potentially work for him. Eventually he would end up with a five-month plan, and by the end of the five months, he would fully expect to no longer be in love with you. But this ‘bubble tea in the park’ episode occurred at month two. He was still quite in love with you, and seeing you only set him back at least a few weeks. After avoiding you as best as he could, Youngjae would sulk home and gloomily add another month or two to his plan. And then he would call Daehyun to talk and cry about it.

Jongup

Jongup would probably take the break-up the best out of all members. Yes, he would be upset you left, and he would still love you dearly, but he wouldn’t blame you if your heart’s no longer in it. He would try not to dwell on it, though he would spend a lot of his time in the practice room, dancing his feelings away. When he sees you at McDonald’s with your new boyfriend, he would actually be kind of...glad? He hadn’t heard anything from you, and he wondered if you were sad, upset, or heartbroken. But seeing you with someone else would ease his worries; you’re doing just fine without him, and soon, he’ll be doing just fine without you, too. He would come over to talk to you, introducing himself to your boyfriend, and asking kind of awkward questions like “You still love your Oreo McFlurry, I see?” Like... yes, obviously... After leaving you two to go order his food, Jongup would be relieved, and he’d make up his mind to start getting over you from here on out. And then he would squint at the menu, only now remembering you used to read it for him. Well... ‘here on out’ can start tomorrow, maybe.

Zelo

Zelo, the sweet baby angel, would hide his sadness when he saw you eating dinner with your new boyfriend. He would smile and act like he’s happy to see you, even going so far as to approach you. He would ask how you’re doing because that’s what he’s most curious about. He would be the epitome of politeness to both you and your boyfriend, bowing and wishing you both a good meal. But then Zelo would leave the restaurant without even ordering, stopping at a convenience store on his way home instead. He would plop down on the couch, stuff his face, and watch a sad movie or TV show as an excuse to cry. He would then take a long, hot bath and listen to music, taking the time to think about the whole situation. Why did he still love you? Why couldn’t he just get over you and be happy you’d found someone you loved? ...Because he wanted to be the one you loved. Sweet Zelo would be crushed, and he would depend on his hyungs to give him advice on how to deal with everything.

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changsubdata · 7 years ago

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170718 BTOB Changsub Interview w/ STARNEWS (ENG TRANS)

INTERVIEW PART 1

Q: You seem to go to cafes often.

CS: I like cafes. I frequent Cube’s 1st floor cafe to get coffee and then go straight to the practice room. At cafes, I don’t get anything other than Americanos. I pretty much only drink Americanos but sometimes when I’m having a hard day and need more sugar, I get a sweet drink which makes me feel better.

Q: How are you doing these days?

CS: I’m currently practicing for my musical and following our BTOB schedules as well.

Q: Since it is your second musical, it seems like it will be easier this time around.

CS: No. It’s much more difficult than the last one. This one is more difficult because ‘Boys over Flowers’ (BOF) was a present day musical so I could act out freely all the normal, every day life things... but because this is a period/historical musical… I realized its very different while I was practicing. I’m super anxious. Will I be able to put on a good performance..

Q: Baek Hyunghoon, Jin Taehwa, and BAP's Daehyun are also cast for the role of Lucien. Do you think there will be parts that you will show that will be different from the other three?

CS: Actually, for this musical I still haven’t quite fully grasped my character… right now, I haven’t completely grasped him.

Q: How was it during BOF?

CS: During BOF, it was seriously all me. It wasn’t a character. It was like a method-acting kind of feel? I really just acted like myself. (The character) had a similar side to mine.

Q: In what ways was the BOF character Tsukasa similar to you?

CS: He just lets out his anger well and stuff, which is similar to me and he’s also kind of a tsundere which is also similar to me… because there were similarities like that, I think I was able adapt to the character quite fast. It’s not the same with Napoleon though. It’s my first time trying to become someone else completely, so even though I’m practicing and worrying everyday, it’s still really difficult.

Q: Do you have absolutely no similar qualities to ‘Lucian’ at all?

CS: He’s the total opposite of me. I’ve never tried to become a character before so it’s very difficult. I’m seriously properly feeling the distress of acting.

Q: I guess you’ve gotten more ambitious about acting.

CS: I’ve definitely gotten more ambitious. It was the same during BOF and its the same during Napoleon too… there are a lot of seniors who have been acting for a really long time, so when I see them, I get motivated. I think I get more ambitious towards acting the more I actually do it. Since this is my second musical, I’m upset that I won’t be able to do well.

Q: BTOB members also take part in acting activities. Do you guys console/advise each other?

CS: We’ve never talked about acting. Actually, I don’t really talk a lot about acting with the members. Instead, I talk a lot with the musical actors I work together with. Usually, I talk with the individuals who have the same role as me like Hyunhoon hyung, Taehwa hyung and Daehyunie.

INTERVIEW PART 2

Q: You’ve got a few scratches on your arm.

CS: Our house cat claws at us these days. She dug in deep. I felt her claws go into my skin. At the dorm, theres only one cat but we all raise her together. She’s BTOB’s cat. Sungjae is the one who brought her to the house so 3 (sam) x 2 (e) = 6 (yook), so her name is 32 (pronounced sami).

Q: How many months has it been since the cat moved in?

CS: Around 6 months now? She’s still a baby. She kneads a lot and they said she’ll have to get a surgery to be neutered soon so that’s been weighing on my mind a bit. She’s going to become a eunuch….

Q: Is the cat a male?

CS: She is a female.

Q: You must have been worrying over her neutralization surgery a lot.

CS: Can we just not do it? We’re still in the middle of talking about it. We need to schedule the surgery but we’re still in the midst of talking about when would be a good time.

Q: The members must share a lot of conversations because of Sami.

CS: We’re like a family so we don’t really talk about a lot of things. When we’re gathered together eating food, we’ll make gags and stuff. We’re a bunch of kids who are always trying to create laughter so…

Q: Who’s the funniest among the members?

CS: These days, Sungjae? He’s popular. Between us (the members) he’s popular. Because I’m really not funny, I’m running towards the end of Sungjae's peak in gags (T/N: that last part may not be correct, I didn’t really understand what he was trying to say ><)

Q: It seems he didn’t learn it from you.

CS: We all communicate by watching each other and just pick it up.

Q: You also made the newly coined term YeJiApSa.

CS: It was coined a term in 2016. It was either in 2015 or 2016. I just said it as a joke but it was really well received so I was like “this isn’t the reaction I was looking for?” Since a lot of people use it, it’s a bit fascinating so I’m happy as well.

Q: Was there anything else you came up with after YeJiApSa?

CS: I was going to make a new word but as I was trying to make it, nothing was coming up. Things like art come (to people) suddenly out of nowhere so when I made YeJiApSa, I didn’t use my head even a little bit when creating it. I think that’s what it is. Something like art…

INTERVIEW PART 3

Q: I hear you really like the girl group GFriend?

CS: I enjoy their music. Their singing gives off a old school vibe and I like their fighting-like stages. I just like it cuz its a good thing and these days, since I’m feeling older, I like seeing all these young and fresh looking people. Right now, I like all girl groups who are working hard.

Q: Are there any boy groups that you’re paying attention to?

CS: I’m paying attention to Pentagon. They are overflowing with fighting spirit and I feel like they’re carrying around an infinite potential for growth so I’m really looking forward to them. On top of that, this time around Hoetaek (HUI) and E.Dawn wrote “Never” for the Nation’s Sons (team on PD101). Watching them make good music makes me believe that they’ll do well. I was like “oh~~~” since it was on the charts for so long.

Q: Seems like you’ve listened to ‘Never’

CS: It was good / I liked it. As expected!

Q: Did you watch PD101 season 2? Trainees from the same company as you, Yoo Seonho and Lai GuanLin were on it.

CS: I didn’t watch the program but I heard that the two of them were doing really well. I’m really happy for Lai GuanLin on becoming a Wanna One member. We don’t really have time to watch and BTOB in general don’t really watch TV. Maybe Minhyuk hyung watched it. Out of us all, he’s the type who watches the most...

Q: BTOB is already onto their 6th year. You and the members must talk a lot about BTOB.

CS: We’re not thinking of breaking up / splitting up. All 7 of us. We’ve never thought about BTOB’s end before. We’ve decided to go together forever, no matter what.

Q: BTOB has tried a lot of different concepts. What do you think is a concept that can only be BTOB’s?

CS: Actually, BTOB isn’t a group that grabs a concept and just goes with that… I think our music is good and we are a group that you will like. We are going towards becoming singers who are not limited and will sing if there is good music. That’s how I feel. That’s what I hope for.

Q: You did solo promotions in Japan.

CS: I released a solo album in Japan. It was successfully concluded as I came back after selling out all my albums. There were 15,000 printings (of my album) but we printed 5,000 more, and I heard they all got sold out. There were goods that we were selling too, which all sold out as well. The showcase was also all sold out.

Q: You must have some ambitions to go solo in Korea as well.

CS: Of course. If it’s possible. Doing a solo is all of BTOB’s dream. BTOB’s genre and my personal genre are different. It’s nothing like “this is just whatever and this is good” but more like… it’s good that there is a genre for just BTOB and its good that there is a genre just for me. It’s my dream to be a rockstar. I’ve wanted to do rock from the very beginning.

INTERVIEW PART 4

Q: Seo Eunkwang is taking part in a musical (Hamlet) as well.

CS: I went to watch Hamlet a few days ago and he did so well to the point of me thinking that Eunkwang hyung doesn’t suit the idol path but suits the musical path more… he really looks like a musical actor. Of course, the division between saying 'He looks like a musical actor vs He looks like an idol’ is vague, but even though it doesn’t make sense, he seemed like he was a person who had been doing musicals since the beginning. He worked that hard and was that great. The only time I feel Eunkwang hyung is really cool is when he’s doing musicals. Outside of musicals, he’s a funny person… but only when he’s doing musicals, he’s that cool. He shines.

Q: Is there any rivalry between you two?

CS: We watch and learn from each other without any rivalry. A lot. Theres no reason for us to have rivalry.

Q: You said that Eunkwang is most cool when he’s doing musicals… so when do you think the other members look the coolest?

CS: Hyunsik and Ilhoon are the coolest when they play the songs that they made. When they say ‘we wrote this for BTOB’ and play the title track… they’re cool. Minhyuk hyung is cool when he uses his body. Peniel looks coolest when he takes pictures. Peniel was the one who shot my Japanese solo album jacket photos. He was really cool at that time. He was like a photographer. For Sungjae, well, he’s cool since he’s naturally a superstar..

Q: When you call Sungjae a superstar, what is his reaction like?

CS: He’s just calm / cool about it. He knows I’m just playing around…

Q: What is your goal for the year?

CS: For this year, firstly the most closest goal is to successfully perform in Napoleon and to release another solo album in Japan. Also, later in the future, I want to do a bigger scale solo concert. Someday it won’t just be me alone; I want to create a band.

Q: I also feel that you have ambitions to receive the rookie of the year award for musical as well.

CS: Of course. If I receive it I’ll be thankful. That is also one of my goals. But, seeing as how difficult Napoleon is looking, receiving it doesn’t seem right. I hope I can do more musicals. If given the opportunity, (I’d like to do one) during the end of the year. Now that I’ve done a modern-day play and a period/historical play, I’d like to do a modern-day play one more time.

Q: Anything you want to say to your fans?

CS: It’s something I say all the time but I think of them as my colleagues. Our fans. Thank you for always being by our sides and lets healthily be together for a long long time.

Q: I notice you didn’t say YeJiApSa.

CS: I’ll ask you to write that in the text. I was embarrassed about it being brought up so… YeJiApSa.

TRANS © CHANGSUBDATA | take out with full credits please. original sources: 1, 2, 3, 4

#170718 #changsub #lee changsub #btob #t:interview #p:interview #trans #i will post the pictures individually as well later~ ^^#enjoy!!!#its kinda roughly done cuz i wanted to finish it quick... took me 2.5 hours to translate the whole thing >__<

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kpoprambles00-blog · 5 years ago

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Spring 2019 comeback review [Part 1]

I don't give a shit if it's the middle of summer, there were way too many good comebacks in the spring. I can't NOT talk about them.

Seriously, I don't know who was in charge of the scheduling for this comeback season, but good LORD they were out to kill me. Every other day it seemed like we had a major comeback, or at least a comeback I personally was interesting. And while that's great, because it gives me a lot of material to talk about here... it also gives me a LOT of material to talk about here. It's one of the main reasons why this is so late; there were almost TOO many damn comebacks and reviews. This review nearly ended up being three parts long. That's how intense it got.

But in the end, I've narrowed it down to 20 songs I wanted to talk about. (I say that as if 20 is a small number...) Now, keep in mind, I have already done some reviews of spring comebacks; namingly, Dreamcatcher, MAMAMOO, TWICE, BLACKPINK and (G)I-DLE. They won't be mentioned here (because that would be overkill at this point), but if you want to read my reviews and find out what I thought of each comeback, they're all on this blog!

Anyway, that's enough rambling. I'll be here for another two months at this rate. Spring comebacks, let's go!

EVERGLOW (에버글로우) - BON BON CHOCOLAT (봉봉쇼콜랏)

~ MV link ~

I didn't think I'd be able to say this after (G)I-DLE, but... this might just be one of the most promising girl group debuts of the 3rd gen. If not THE most promising.

Like. Wow. This sounds like a song that a pre-established artist would release mid-way through their career, only to be received with critical acclaim and everyone calling it "their best song". BUT IT'S JUST THEIR DEBUT SONG. WHAT. There are very few debuts that leave me speechless - (G)I-DLE impressed me, yes, but they didn't drop my jaw or anything. Everglow DID. If you've been seeing a lot of hype around this song, then trust me when I say it's for a fucking good reason.

"Bon Bon Chocolat" is one of the most intense and powerful girl group songs I've heard in the past year or so. I had no clue what to expect going in, admittedly, but man this was a fantastic surprise. The instrumental, for starters, is fucking nuts. It's got this phenomenal 808 bass line that permeates the entire song, along with some really interesting bass drum beats and some gorgeous, vibrant synths to help boost the melody. It's a tour de force of momentum that just does not fucking stop, and I for one am in for the ride. The vocal samples are another standout, as well; the minute you hear those fast-paced adlibs at the beginning, that's when you know that this is going to be something special.

Speaking of vocals, that's probably my only gripe with this song. Each of the members' performances are layered with quite a bit of autotune, which I'm not the biggest fan of. But the more I listen to it, the more I feel like it works in the song's favor. Sure, it does make their voices less distinct and makes it harder for you to get a feel for the members' charms (which is important for a debut, in my opinion), but the song is so damn good that it actually ends up working. In a weird way. The fact that the girls are able to pull of this sound and concept without sounding like they're trying to be the next BLACKPINK is... amazing in my eyes. It's a trap so many rookie groups can fall into, trying to sound like a hugely popular and successful artist. But Everglow have their own charm, and it shines from start to finish.

Lyrically, this song is certainly invocative of a debut. It's got that sort of "you can do anything if you believe in yourself" message to it, but it's a very confident and fresh take. The charm and personality of the lyrics actually works, and is boosted by, the girls' performances and that amazing instrumental. They honestly elevate what would normally be some pretty standard lyrics into something more interesting and worth your time.

You, straighten up your shoulders and get up Look at the world outside the window That's been trapping and hiding you

Oh, and guess what? The choreo is phenomenal as well. WHO WOULD'VE GUESSED, HUH.

~ Dance practice link ~

And that brilliance makes a lot of sense when you realise that that was choreographed by Lia Kim. Yeah. Lia Kim from 1MILLION. Only one of the most successful and celebrated dance companies out there right now. She is really fucking good at what she does, and that mastery comes across in spades here. This routine ebbs and flows in all the right places, and you can really tell how considerate she was when choreographing it; you can tell she wanted it to match the song perfectly, and she really fucking nailed it in that regard. It also helps that the girls of Everglow themselves are all great dancers, too; they've got so much power and finesse to their moves that helps them flow excellently from one move to the next.

Overall, this was fucking fantastic. I absolutely cannot wait to see where these girls go next, because if it's anywhere near as good as "Bon Bon Chocolat", these girls are going to go far.

STAN TALENT, STAN EVERGLOW.

DAEHYUN (대현) - YOU'RE MY (너는 내게)

~ MV link ~

Alright, I'll admit that this is a very indulgent pick for me. But shhhhh let me have my moment okay.

For those of you who haven't been keeping up with the latest bullshit going on over at TS Entertainment, you might not know that B.A.P ended up basically disbanding a few months ago. All of the members gradually left the label - thank FUCK - and now they've all gone their own separate ways to follow new paths. Although, as a BABY since debut, I really do think they'll come back at some point. The boys are all incredibly close, and I don't feel like they'd just want to stop being B.A.P just because they're not under TS anymore.

But the first thing a lot of the members have been doing is pursuing solo projects, a lot of which actually dropped in springtime. Yongguk released "Hikikomori (히키코모리)", Youngjae released "Another Night", and Daehyun released "You're My (너는 내게)". And while all three songs are fantastic - you should seriously go check them out if you get the chance, they're hidden gems that more people should know about - I decided to review Daehyun's for this comeback review. I'd love to do all three, but I've got enough songs to review as it is.

And that's mainly because... well, Daehyun's my ultimate bias. (Well, at least my ultimate male bias; Hyosung from Secret is my ultimate female bias). He was my first ever proper bias in K-Pop, and he's been my favourite in B.A.P since day one. So it was inevitable that I was going to be interested in whatever he releases. And it turns out that he really decided to play to his strengths here, because "You're My (너는 내게)" is a mid-tempo ballad that really gives his amazing vocals room to breathe. Now, whilst ballads are not generally something I seek out, I'll make certain exceptions if I really like the artists. And yeah, I was always going to make an exception for Daehyun.

This actually reminds me a lot of one of Kyuhyun's solo songs, "At Gwanghwamun (광화문에서)", and considering that that's another ballad I really like, that's a great thing! Both songs are relatively chill, relaxed and pleasant to listen to, with their own instrumental swells where it's deemed necessarily. But I do honestly prefer "You're My (너는 내게)" a little more in the end - mainly since I feel like it has a bit more impact. The instrumental really suits Daehyun here, and the strings and piano lines are perfect for his vocal tone. They're very warm and welcoming, which is one of my favourite qualities about his voice. Whereas Kyuhyun always goes for a slightly breathier tone, Daehyun is very well able to lean into full-on belts every now and again, and... yeah. I do prefer this overall. Daehyun's voice is just killer for me.

And yeah, as is to be expected from a ballad like this, the lyrics are quite sweet and emotional. They're even a little bit pensive in places. But with Daehyun, I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that some of these lyrics are aimed at BABYs as a whole. He's always been very clear about how much he loves and supports the fandom as a whole; seriously, go look at his Twitter and you'll see what I mean. He's a very grateful, very kind person, and that's reflected in a lot of these lyrics. Yes, they can be about romance, too, but considering this is his first time really venturing out on his own outside of B.A.P... it makes a lot of sense. It's very heartwarming. 😊

When things were hard, you were always by my side That's the reason I was able to live I won't forget, I'll always remember

While "You're My (너는 내게)" is probably going to feel like just another ballad to some people, to me - and probably a lot of other BABYs as well - it'll stand out as a big moment for Dae. Wherever he decides to take his solo career from here, you can bet it'll be good. He's a genuinely great guy with some real talent, and I hope both he and the other members of B.A.P do well in their solo careers. They honestly deserve it. 😊

ITZY (있지) - DALLA DALLA (달라달라)

~ MV link ~

...where... the fuck... do I start with this.

Okay, so JYP. One of the big three. Of course, going into the next gen of K-Pop, they'll have TWICE and GOT7. But they're mainly 3rd generation groups. Stray Kids are going to need a sister group of sorts to go with them into the next generation, right? So they debuted Itzy! And adorable name aside, these girls had a lot, and I mean a LOT of hype around them coming up to debut. Need I remind you that Shin Ryujin won MIXNINE? Yeah, that's just the start of it.

But... as we all know, this was originally supposed to be a six-member group. Of course, Somi was originally going to be a part of Itzy. But she left, and recently started her own solo career (which will be in the summer comeback review). So that leaves the remaining five members of Itzy to push forward as a beacon of what K-Pop can be, of how different and unique and memorable it can be, right? They might end up being the face of the next generation!

...with a song like this? God, I... kinda hope not...

Yeah, this is going to sound harsh. But JYP, this is NOT how you debut a promising girl group. I'm sorry, but it needs to be said - if you like the song, good for you, I'm glad you can find things you find enjoyable here. But I cannot listen to "Dalla Dalla (달라달라)" and think of it as anything else other than a raging dumpster fire. The only way this song is even listenable for me is if it's rearranged. Which, yes, that's the version I've been listening to since the day it came out. The original version is just... awful. AND THAT'S SUCH A GODDAMN SHAME.

Say what you will about me hating on Itzy for doing something different, but I really do love the image and concept that they're going for here. They're not trying to blend in; they're their own thing, and they make that clear from moment one. But... jeez, "Dalla Dalla (달라달라)" rams that message into your face so hard that it already feels stale. What the fuck happened, JYP? You have five of the most talented trainees out there in K-Pop right now, and you give them this as their debut song?! Don't get me wrong, it has its merits - the verses and choruses are nice. They're fun, upbeat and are great examples of bouncy bubblegum pop. They sound lovely! And the "don't care what people say" bridge is gorgeous as well.

But... the rest of this song... it doesn't even sound like music. It sounds dissonant. It sounds messy. It sounds downright atonal. It's like a rollercoaster that's going way too fast because of a fault in its engineering. It's got this awful mess of synths and blaring samples that just... doesn't mesh. At all. and it ruins the song's ending ENTIRELY. It's so bad. Seriously. I can't imagine a world where I listen to it and find it entertaining. Who let Skrillex lose in JYP's studio?

And the lyrics... yeah, they're fine, I guess. For a concept that was trying to be so different and distinctive, you could've had your songwriters come up with some more interesting lyrics, JYP. They're nothing we haven't heard before. They're spunky, yes, and they suit the girls' age, but... are they really all that different?

Just pretty but not attractive at all I'm different from the kids, I'm different Don't measure me by your standards alone I love being myself, I'm nobody else

Thankfully, there are two good things about this song in the end: number one is the girls themselves. The hype around the members was certainly justified if you ask me. Every single one of them has their own charm and personality, and they seem like they're going to develop into amazing performers; if they're this good now, then I can't wait to see where they are in five years' time. But the second good thing about "Dalla Dalla (달라달라)" is THAT. MOTHERFUCKING. DANCE.

~ Dance practice link ~

Now THIS is how you debut a rookie girl group like Itzy. This is one of those routines where I watch it and can't help but wonder how the fuck they're even alive after such an energetic routine. It by no means negates the fact that the song is a mess - I don't think anything could at this point - but damn, this is about the best choreo we could've gotten here. It also helps that all five girls are excellent performers, and they pull off each move with so much finesse and clarity that it's awe-inspiring. And yes, the hairflips are equally as amazing. ESPECIALLY Yeji. Like... goddamn girl, Ariana Grande called, she heard how much her ponytail suits you and wanted to say you can keep it.

So while the routine is possibly one of the best this year, the song... couldn't be further from that. Yeah, if I make a worst list this year, this'll be on it. I sure as hell hope JYP actually give Itzy a song that shows them some respect next time, because this goes down as one of the worst debut songs in my memory. Yeah. I dislike it that much. These girls deserve better, full stop.

TAEMIN (태민) - WANT

~ MV link ~

Debuts aside, someone who's had my attention from day one of their solo career is Taemin. I remember hearing "Danger" for the first time and being blown away at just how well he handled himself outside of SHINee. And he's never really let up that momentum; "Press Your Number" was fantastic, "Move" was one of the biggest songs of last year, and now he's released his follow up to that, "Want". And even though I liked "Move" for what it was, I think "Want" might just be its slightly better cousin.

Taemin's established an image for himself that is frought with sex appeal. I mean, seriously, just go watch this man dance if you haven't already. You'll see what I mean. It suits his vocal tone, too, since he's got this very breathy yet charismatic whisper of sorts that just sounds really damn unique. That image was pretty much perfected with "Move", but "Want" evolves on it in a few interesting ways. The instrumental takes advantage of this strange, distorted sample that sounds super different and mysterious; it's not something you can describe easily. But then there's also a thumping bassline and some really interesting, deep synths that work beautifully alongside it. Everything in the instrumental is masterfully crafted, and it all plays into that main image Taemin is going for - this song is dirty, and it's not afraid to show that.

That says a lot about Taemin as a performer, too. He uses his aforementioned breathy tone in some places, but then dips into his lower range and full-on belts in others. It's a really damn clever mix of the two, and it only serves to further the song's tone. The vocal distortion effects used here and there are goddamn great, too! This sort of sexy image is not something Taemin's ever shyed away from; he's embraced it, and "Want" makes that message loud and clear. It's so damn well put together, and carries out its concept with such elegance and poise (and a hell of a lot of charisma to boot).

Don't even get me started on the lyrics - you thought the song was sexy? Hooo man, that's nothing. These are straight up FILTHY. They really play into the Adam and Eve concept shown in the video, too. It's very reminiscent of Gain's "Paradise Lost" in that sense, and I really, REALLY like it.

You'll want it more, you'll burn up more I'm your eyes, I'll make you open up new eyes I'm your toy to make you innocent

But, of course, it's Taemin. He doesn't just have a reputation for being sexy. He has a reputation as one of the best goddamn dancers to come out of K-Pop, period. And yeah, watching the choreography for this song shows exactly what I mean by that.

~ Dance practice link ~

I feel bad for anyone who attempts a dance cover of this song. Damn, I even feel bad for the fucking backup dancers here. Taemin is just THAT good. He's got such a fine sense of poise and finesse to every movement he has, and you can really tell he doesn't just dance for the sake of it. Taemin is one of those rare people that really feels whatever routine he's dancing to; this is a masterclass in that. And yet, it's as if he's holding back; he knows we're going to want to see him go nuts and blow us all away, but the choreography is restrained... which links perfectly back into the theming of the lyrics and music video. Honestly, the dance makes this song a near masterpiece in my eyes; it's flawlessly executed and masterfully put together.

To think I was nearly going to leave this song off this list because of having so much to cover... I'm glad I didn't. Taemin's one of the strongest solo artists in K-Pop at the minute, and he delights with each and every single comeback. He can step on me and I'd say thank you, and that just about sums up how phenomenal "Want" is as a song.

HWASA (화사) - TWIT (멍청이)

~ MV link ~

When I found out that Hwasa was going to get a full-on solo, I can't begin to tell you how happy I was. She's been my bias in MAMAMOO since day one, and her solo projects on past albums have been great. So to see her get a promoted solo was awesome! Yes, it was cut short to actually let the girls breathe between promotions for this and Gogobebe (as well as preparation for their concert), but that's completely understandable. And yet, the song doesn't feel rushed or undercooked at all - it's a full-on solo effort from Hwasa, and a very successful effort if you ask me!

Outside of the debacle with the girls' schedules, I feel like RBW are doing a good job managing MAMAMOO, and that's clearly evident here with Hwasa. They noticed how popular she's becoming, especially after her viral MAMAs performance last year, and decided to capitalize on that by giving her a solo. And not gonna lie, "Twit (멍청이)" is just about the perfect song for Hwasa. It is LITERALLY her strengths and personality condensed into a song. She gets to show off her sultry, confident side that she's known for, whilst also showing a lot of vulnerability and tenderness in the lyrics; she's got a charm that's so damn hard to place, but this song does it perfectly. I couldn't imagine anyone else singing this - it just wouldn't suit them like it suits Hyejin.

The song itself is certainly memorable, too. The instrumental is more reminiscent of standard pop, with some interesting flute elements that make the melody incredibly catchy. The trumpet synths in the second half work really well in contrast with the more natural guitar tones in the verses, too; "Twit (멍청이)" is very good at building and maintaining its momentum as a song. None of it feels forced or shoe-horned in at the last minute, and I really like that! It feels very complete and distinctive.

Like I mentioned, though, the lyrics are much more emotional than you'd expect. Yes, the song itself is confident and in your face (and Hwasa's voice is powerful as all hell, let's be real), but the lyrics are... certainly surprising. Hell, there's even a goddamn reference to Korean folklore, and the story of Simcheong. There's more to the relationship here than you'd initially think, that's for sure. Hwasa admits that because she's so confident and independent, she's often the driving force in this relationship. And yes, she can bring out the best bits of her partner, but at the same time, they're very reliant on her, and she tends to resent them and push them away because of that. They're... surprisingly complex. I seriously didn't expect that sort of emotional gutpunch from a solo project by Hwasa of all people, but damn, I love it! It's super effective.

You're a twit, a man who knows only me Like delicate Simcheong* Look around once in a while You don't realise how hurt you are

* = this is the folklore story I was talking about; DKDKTV did a great explanation of it here.

Following on from that, if there's anyone who knows how to have fun in a dance, it's Hwasa. And damn, does she have fun with the routine for "Twit (멍청이)".

~ Dance practice link ~

Not only can you tell that she's really getting into the choreography itself through her facial expressions and movements, but the relationship she has with her backup dancers is nothing short of amazing. It adds so much electricity to the routine, no lie. Every single person here shines, Hwasa or not, and the routine itself is pretty great to boot! The position changes are really fun and interesting to watch, and they certainly do a great job of keeping your attention. They do a great job of letting Hwasa shine, too; you really get the sense she's the star here. Regardless, it's a surprisingly solid routine that suits her perfectly.

That's how I'd describe this entire debut, to be honest: it suits Hwasa perfectly. RBW made a great decision in giving her this opportunity, and it's something I hope she keeps up with in the future. Hell, this was successful enough to warrant a solo comeback in the future, right? I even heard it in H&M one day. That was very surprising, but... also absolutely amazing. Just like the song!

ATEEZ (에이티즈) - SAY MY NAME

~ MV link ~

Man, we were speaking of B.A.P earlier, right? And I've seen an awful lot of hype going around for ATEEZ; apparently they've just really caught on and people see a lot of potential in them.

WELL IF SOMEONE HAD TOLD ME THEY WERE A MODERN B.A.P I WOULD'VE JUMPED ONTO THE HYPE TRAIN WAY FUCKING SOONER.

Seriously, I've been discussing this with a friend of mine, and this sounds pretty much exactly like something B.A.P would've released back in late 2012, during the "No Mercy" era. I can literally imagine what member would sing what part. But don't think that that's a bad thing - "No Mercy" is still a fucking phenomenal song, and "Say My Name" is just as good. Dare I say, a little bit better in some ways?

Like I said, I hadn't listened to ATEEZ before this - but damn, the hype is real. The potential these guys have is astounding. The instrumental here is big, it's bombastic, it's what you'd expect from a boy group. The trap snares and blaring trumpet synths are nothing new. But it's the little touches here that make it truly special, like the whistle melody, or the natural acoustic guitar line. On top of that, ATEEZ are some of the strongest rookie performers I've heard in a looooooong time. They impressed me about as much as Everglow did, and that's saying something. A killer vocal line plus a really fucking great rap line is just the perfect recipe for a boy group in my head, and ATEEZ are the definition of it. They have so much effortless charisma that a lot of boy groups will strive to achieve, but will never quite get. These guys just have it ingrained in them from the word go, and that's hard to find.

I picked this song to review over "HALA HALA" in the end, mainly because I did find "HALA HALA" a liiiiiiittle cringey. That's mainly because of the lyrics - the whole Suicide Squad thing kinda pulled me out of the song. (Jongho's vocals didn't though, good LORD.) But as for "Say My Name", the lyrics are actually VERY different than what I was expecting! I was expecting some sort of uplifting message about how we're going to overthrow society's self-inflicted patriarchy (although Stray Kids did deliver on that front with the MV for "Miroh"). But it's more about how they gain strength from their fans and their success, and how it encourages them to keep pushing and moving forward. They're surprisingly sweet, actually! There are some nice little details here and there that make them really heartwarming.

Say my name, my name is in the search results I have my name tag that I wanted so badly I have friends all around me

Another thing I'd heard a lot about ATEEZ is that their choreographies are top-class; these guys are apparently fantastic dancers.

~ Dance practice link ~

And, uh... do... do they even have a main dancer? Or is that just something that's applied to the group universally? I'm... pretty convinced they don't have one at this point...

These guys... these guys are scarily good. Like... whoa. They don't have a single bad dancer. Every single one of them looks like they're into it, they're feeling the vibe of the song, and they just... proceed to murder every move given to them. Like... I only get this kind of vibe amongst groups that are KNOWN for their dance skills, like BTS or SHINee. But even then, they admittedly have their flaws... I'm not seeing one with this routine. It's... freakishly perfect. So much so that I'm kind of disturbed by it a little? I honestly didn't know who to watch during this dance practice. It's the definition of captivating. I would fucking KILL to see this done live, good lord...

(Also Jongho looks fancy as fuck, I love it.)

Yeah, so, um, bear with me while I go buy this album. These guys are going to be huge. I can feel it. Not to be THAT person, but I felt it with BTS when they debuted, and look where they are now... I haven't had this kind of gut feeling about a boy group for a hot fucking minute. You bet your ass I'm following ATEEZ from now on. Every single ounce of hype around them is real.

SUNMI (선미) - NOIR (누아르)

~ MV link ~

I remember mentioning on this blog before that "Heroine" was my favourite Sunmi song. It was just the song that stood out to me the most, since I liked "Gashina" but admittedly got a teeeeeensy bit tired of it after how much it blew up, and also since I... really didn't like "Siren" that much. So as far as solo Sunmi songs go, "Heroine" was the standard as far as I was concerned. But I couldn't be any happier to say that "Noir" IS that new standard, and it's by far my favourite song Sunmi's put out yet.

The song itself is actually quite interesting; it's got a very dark tone overall, with its deep synth line, echoed backing vocals, and the striking minor chord progressions. And yet, it's all anchored with what I can only describe as an 80s drum line, full of snappy bass beats and really memorable rhythms. It's a very interesting song musically, but where "Noir" REALLY shines is the messaging. The lyrics, the music video, even the live performance she did on M!Countdown - all of it ties back into the overarching theme.

That overarching theme is one that's very goddamn relevant, actually. In an age where social media is so prevalent, a lot of people get hung up on the attention. A little bit of popularity is never enough. That's what Sunmi thinks "Noir" is, as she described in an interview; we're in an age where people are so addicted to attention that they disregard their own safety in order to get it. It's a trap far too many people fall into, and Sunmi touches on it in a way that's simultaneously candid and very haunting. She even gave us an example of it in real life, too - remember that picture she posted leading up to this comeback? A picture of a hand full of what seemed to be Advil?

Everyone immediately started to panic, and freak out over her well being... but that was the point. We gave her the attention because she implied she was going to do something dangerous. It's a fucking ingenious way of promotion, that's for sure, but it really does show that the themes "Noir" touches on are still alive and well. (KPOP Junkee did a fantastic explanation of this on their YouTube channel.)

In terms of the lyrics, though, they seem to be a bit more cryptic; at first glance, they seem to be about a tumultuous relationship of some kind. BUT that's not the only way you should look at this. DKDKTV made a fucking great video explaning "Noir", alongside an interesting theory - what if we're meant to be looking at these lyrics from more of a Jekyll and Hyde point of view? Sunmi's trying to convince herself to embrace the dangerous lifestyle "Noir" describes, i.e. putting yourself in dangerous situations to get other peoples' attention.

I've already seen this before, I feel so high Everything goes blurry, 1, 2, 3 Now I'm blind, I don't know why I know what it is even if I don't see it, a bad ending

So while there technically isn't a dance for this song (I mean, there will be soon, since EAST2WEST won the #NoirChallenge & that's going to become the official routine - which they deserve, they're amazing!), there's still a hell of a lot to look at here. And overall, this is a serious contender for one of my favourite songs of the year as a whole. Sunmi knocked it out of the goddamn park with "Noir", and I would LOVE to see her try a concept like this again some time. It really shows how much of a professional she can be, and "Noir" is straight-up my favourite thing she's done. I love it. 👏👏👏

MOMOLAND (모모랜드) - I'M SO HOT

~ MV link ~

I find it very ironic that we're going from a song that's pretty serious to one that's... not serious at all. Not even in the slightest.

I won't hide the fact that I liked "Bboom Bboom" quite a bit last year, and I found "BAAM" to be even better. (No, I don't think they sound the same.) So going into MOMOLAND's comeback, I was curious to see if all the hate they had been getting would affect their sound; would they change it up from what they'd found success with to appease the haters, or would they stick with something more light-hearted and fun?

They ended up doing the latter, and I'm very much happy with what we got! Honestly, "I'm So Hot" might be tied with "BAAM" for my favourite MOMOLAND song yet. It's incredibly reminiscent of some of what T-ARA released back in their prime; a simple yet fun song with some interesting elements to make it memorable. The trumpet sample in particular is something I really like; I've seen some people say it's fairly grating, but I can't help but love it. The ragtime pianos and old-school vibes here and there really sell it for me, too! It's just an upbeat, fun pop song that you can really just enjoy yourself with.

But what I DON'T get is why people hate on this song simply because they find it "boring" or "nothing new", or even just because it's MOMOLAND. (Yes, rant incoming.)

Since when have songs like this lost their place in K-Pop? To bring back T-ARA as an example, everyone adored "Roly Poly", "Bo Peep Bo Peep" and "Lovey Dovey" when they came out because of how fun they were. Those songs didn't try to take themselves seriously; MBK just wanted to give T-ARA fun, bouncy songs that would stick in everyone's minds. And they did. So why are MOMOLAND getting hate for doing the same thing? These sorts of songs deserve to be here just as much as anything else does. People need to get over their goddamn hate boner for MOMOLAND and just move on. If you don't like the song, that's completely fine! If you hate on the girls for "copying themselves", "never doing anything original", and saying that "they're just trying to repeat the success of Bboom Bboom", fuck you. You're part of the problem. K-Pop isn't a contest, in contrast to what some Twitter stans might believe. Grow up, stop wasting your energy sending needless hate to artists, and move on. Rant over.

In terms of "I'm So Hot" though, it's nothing too insane lyrically - which is what you'd expect going in. Or at least you should. The title alone tells you that this is going to be pretty face-level and superficial. But hey, you need something to turn your brain off to every once in a while, and when the song's as fun as this, I can't really complain!

Why I'm pretty, why I'm cute Why am I not tired of hearing that over and over? People say that I'm pretty, that I'm cute

There's not a lot to go through here in terms of the dance, either - but again, I don't really mind it that much.

~ Dance practice link ~

To be honest, yeah, this routine is quite basic. But a major upside to routines like this is that the idols get time to breathe properly when they're performing. And considering how fucking balls-to-the-wall energetic "Bboom Bboom"'s choreography was, yeah, I'm okay with this. (I still have NO clue how they kept their energy during those stages, that dance is exhausting.) Of course, people are going to hate and say that this dance was designed purely to go viral. How, may I ask, is that a bad thing? How is having a dance that's simple, fun and easy to pick up bad? Not everything has to be mind-blowingly hard. Sometimes it just needs to be accessible, and that's probably how I'd describe this routine overall. It's got some nice elements to it (particularly in the position switches), and it's very easy for anyone to look at and join in with. It's also a hell of an arm workout. 💪

In the end, I really like "I'm So Hot"! It's fun, it's funky, and it's one of my favourite MOMOLAND songs so far. I'll admit that I do miss Daisy and Taeha, though - hopefully they come back soon so we can see an OT9 performance of this!

IZ*ONE (아이즈원) - VIOLETA (비올레타)

~ MV link ~

Alright, I've wanted to talk about this song since it came out so let me just get this out of the way:

THIS IS HOW YOU HAVE A NON-REPETITIVE STRUCTURE AS AN ARTIST.

"Violeta" has pretty much the exact same structure as "La Vie En Rose" - a relatively quiet intro, nice verse, chorus, rap and second verse, next chorus, final bridge with adlibs, final chorus and final drop to really add emphasis. Their layout is exactly the same. But to say that those two songs are the same is SO goddamn wrong that I might just punch you. Yes, they have the exact same structure. But that works in "Violeta"'s favour, because it's a structure that works. It's a way for IZ*ONE to keep a style and sound whilst still having the freedom to change it up a bit. It's really fucking clever.

In terms of the song itself though, it... actually really surprised me! I certainly didn't expect IZ*ONE to lean into deep house, but here we are. That flute melody is really damn effective, since it's often layered over some interesting percussion snaps and some goddamn angelic synths and melodies. And yeah, the deep house aspects really work here - it all builds up to an explosive conclusion that left me very impressed. I wasn't sure about it on the first listen, if I'm being honest, but it really grew on me!

Lyrically, this song is kind of what you'd expect from a girl group like IZ*ONE. It's one of those really sweet lovey-dovey love songs, full of wonder and charm. That sort of stuff just doesn't appeal to me, but I don't mind it when the song is so distinctive.

Your smile that's drawn in the sky is shining so bright The beautiful flower in your heart You're my Violeta

But, of course, what I was looking forward to the most here was the choreography. And considering "La Vie en Rose" had my favourite routine of last year - and one of my favourite K-Pop routines I've ever seen - my expectations were admittedly very, VERY high.

Buuuuuuuut yeah, they fucking killed it. AGAIN.

~ Dance practice link ~

Okay, admittedly, I don't like this as much as "La Vie en Rose" in the end. But that's perfectly fine by me - routines as good as "La Vie en Rose" are a real fucking rarity. "Violeta" is still fantastic routine, and one that's just a goddamn spectacle. It's a lot more graceful and monumental in a few places, which makes sense considering how powerful the instrumental can be here and there. It's beautifully put together, and expertly performed by all 12 members - Chaeyoung in particular really stands out here. Her skills are NO JOKE. Overall, the transitions are gorgeous, the moves are diverse and delightful to watch, and this routine is still fucking amazing. IZ*ONE are probably one of the best girl groups out there right now in terms of choreography. Yeah, I mean that.

So "Violeta" ended up being a pretty great comeback! I did see a lot of people saying that maybe this should've been the debut song instead of "La Vie en Rose", but I disagree - I feel like this is the perfect follow-up. It keeps IZ*ONE's momentum going steadily, and I really hope they keep up this standard, because I might just end up stanning them if they do. I'm THAT close to becoming a WIZ*ONE. I just don't want to have my heart broken when they inevitably end promotion. ;-;

KARD - BOMB BOMB (밤밤)

~ MV link ~

...y'all mind if I just fangirl for the next 5 minutes? I hope so, because that's inevitably what's going to happen here.

I mean have you SEEN this motherfucking video. KARD just... decided to do That. Like they fucking WENT there. (BM and Somin in particular. Hoooooooooooly fuck.)

But let's be honest, this is the song KARD have been destined to make since they first came about. For those of you who were complaining that all of their songs sounded the same, and that you were sick of that California junkee vibe they had going on, then HERE YA FUCKING GO. They didn't come to mess around this time.

If I'm being honest, I'm a huge Hidden KARD, and this is straight-up one of my new favourite songs of theirs. It sits up there for me alongside "Rumor" and "You In Me". It's big, it's bombastic, it's in your face, and it's the kind of song that pulls you in from the get-go. Yes, I'm not the biggest fan of the slightly wet percussion that's used here and there in the verses - I think it sounds a little off - but everything else is just gorgeous. The pre-choruses have this echoey, atmospheric build-up to them thanks to the percussion and harmonies, but then the choruses themselves have this... almost wiry synth that's very reminiscent of something like Yezi's "Anck Su Namun." It fits that sort of Middle-Eastern vibe beautifully. And yet, while that's the sort of instrument that I'd normally despise, it really works here - and I think that's in large part to how much pure charisma the members have.

I'm not going to mince words here, BM absolutely runs the fuck away with this song. He's made for stuff like this, where his energy is naturally called for, and he can do what he does best - being hype as fuck. But that doesn't mean the other members fall short; J.Seph singing is always something I'm happy to hear more of, since I like his singing just as much as his rapping. Jiwoo's lower, slightly rough vocal tone sounds fantastic no matter what she sings, and Somin? Somin BODIES this song. It's stuff like this that make me happy she left April - just think what would've happened if she didn't. Her vocals are absolutely killer here, and from how confident she appears in the live stages, she knows it.

And yeah, with a song like this that's meant to be hype and fit for a party, the lyrics aren't going to be all that special. But since that's not the focus, I'm more than willing to let that slide here. They're fun and catchy, and that's all a song like this really needs if you ask me. (I also like how BM straight-up knows how thirsty everyone is over him. Can he BE any more self-aware?)

Don't try to sober up Just get drunk with the vibes [...] I'm dizzy, why are you messing with my heart?

Of course, one of my favourite things about any KARD comeback is seeing the choreography, since there aren't that many male/female groups out there right now. I always love seeing how the routines work around having both male and female performers, and I've got to say, "Bomb Bomb" might have one of KARD's best choreographies to date. You thought their vocal performances were charismatic? HOOO BOI.

~ Dance practice link ~

This shit right here is why I stan KARD the way I do. The thing I said before about creating a routine for both male and female performers is done excellently. There isn't a move that feels out of place in this routine, and every single member gets their chance to show off - well, apart from J.Seph, who's stuck behind 6 foot tall BM for most of the choreo. Which is a crying shame, he's really fucking good! But aside from that, Somin and Jiwoo are probably at their best with this sort of concept; you can tell that they're not only looking good, but they're really getting involved with the choreography, too. They're into it, and it shows. And then there's BM, who I don't even think I need to explain at this point. He's a fucking dancing machine, and if you've seen KARD before, you know exactly what I'm talking about. But all in all, no member (for the most part) overshadows or outshines another here, and this gives a routine that's both very well balanced and REALLY fucking fun to watch.

Basically, a great song and great choreography makes for a happy me. KARD fucking killed it with this comeback, and I'm so glad to see them shut down the hate they've been getting with something like "Bomb Bomb". I get the funny feeling this is going to be one of my songs of the summer this year - I've certainly had it on repeat enough to warrant that. 😅

•••••

...and that's only part one of this comeback review. This one took long enough to get out as it is, so no promises as to when part two will be up. I'm going to try my best to get it up soon-ish, but I'm also working on two album reviews right now, sooooooooooo God knows when that will be. Someone kill me pls. K-Pop has been too good this year so far... 💀

SOURCES FOR THE ENGLISH LYRICS I USED IN THIS REVIEW:

Bon Bon Chocolat (봉봉쇼콜랏)

You're My (너는 내게)

DALLA DALLA (달라달라)

WANT

Twit (멍청이)

Say My Name

Noir (누아르)

I'm So Hot

Violeta (비올레타)

#k-pop #comeback review #ITZY #everglow #MAMAMOO #jung daehyun #taemin #ATEEZ #momoland #sunmi #IZ*ONE

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lovethesoftkpopbabies · 8 years ago

Text

Fanfic Trade: Part 2

This is the fanfic Roebling made for me in return! This is a fanfic of Himchan from B.A.P with my OC, Su-Siyong so if you don't like OC x Character fics, this one probably isn't for you. ^^

Also please check out roebling's work! The writing is exceptional and I read it on quite a regular basis:

http://archiveofourown.org/users/roebling/pseuds/roebling

Second Helpings and Second Chances

by: Roebling

Category: F/M

Fandom: B.A.P

Relationship: Kim Himchan/Original Female Character(s) Su Siyong

Characters: B.A.P, Original Female Character (Su Siyong) Words: 9187

Chapters: 1/1

Summary: Himchan's always had to be careful about his diet, lest he put on weight. After a bad breakup that's entirely his fault, he finds himself comfort eating and getting soft again. As the number on the scale climbs, the way he looks at his body -- and his happiness -- starts to change.

Notes: For KatsGGM. This is my half of a little exchange I did with KatsGGM, based on her request and featuring her OC Su Siyong :) I really enjoyed writing this, although I know it turned out a bit different than her prompt! This story does not contain sexually explicit material, but it is weight gain fetish fiction. If that is not something that is appealing to you, please hit the back button in your browser! It also features a character who initially has a very unhealthy relationship with his body and weight, and mentions past disordered eating. If anything related to eating, food, or weight is triggering for you, please proceed with caution. If you'd like more information about contents, message me.

The breakup hits Himchan harder than he expects, considering it's entirely his fault. He knows it, too. Deep down inside, he knows he acted like a selfish, inconsiderate asshole. He’s scum. He isn’t worthy of being ground under Siyong’s shoe. Not to put too fine a point on it.

He realizes right away what a terrible mistake he's made, and what a miserable excuse for a boyfriend he's been. Siyong is amazing, beautiful, talented: too good for him really. He’d been too ashamed to admit they were dating just because he was concerned what some lowlife netizens would say. He misses her, is the thing. He really misses her. He sinks as low as messaging Siyong and asking if they can meet and talk, but she doesn't even reply.

He’s not surprised. She’s right not to respond. He messed up bigtime.

It's understandable he's feeling a little down about himself. It's understandable that he would console himself with nights out with Yongguk (who is always willing to listen to him whine, and doesn't judge him too harshly) and with weekends at his parents' house. It's expected that, newly single, he'd want to have a little bit of fun and take it easy.

What's not expected is when, a month or so after the breakup, he goes to pull on his favorite pair of jeans and realizes he can't do up the button. There's a few centimeters of plush pale belly in the way.

The thing is, Himchan has always gained weight easily. The slightest lapse of diligence puts him at risk of pudging up. When he was an idol, he subsisted on a meager diet of coffee and chicken and got enough exercise that he managed to stay fairly slim. During his army service, he actually gotten into pretty good shape -- even kinda almost had abs -- but he's been out of the army for eighteen months and BAP is on hiatus while the Daehyun and Youngjae do their service, and Himchan is getting soft again.

The scale reveals the scope of the damage. He's back up to 75 kg, which means he's gained a solid five kilos in the last month. That's a lot in such a short period. Standing in his bathroom in only boxer shorts, he is amazed he didn't realize it sooner because it's really obvious. His belly is soft again. His thighs look big. His cheeks are round.

Shit.

It stings all the worse because he knows, deep down, he would have gone public with his relationship with Siyong if she's just you know, been a little bit thinner. A little closer to what society says a beautiful woman should look like. She was beautiful and smart and talented, and he'd been too much of a weasel to stand by her because she was a few kilos heavier than most actresses.

He’d been scared to have his name linked to the ‘chubby actress’ and now he's on the way to being a fatass himself again.

Staring at his puffy-faced reflection in the mirror, he scowls. "You're a hypocrite, Kim Himchan. And you don't deserve her."

The thing is Himchan has always hated dieting. He endured it because he had to during his B.A.P days, but now? He's got a few variety show appearances lined up, a semi-steady gig as the host of a weekly entertainment news program, but he's not an idol anymore, and nobody expects him to go on stage and sing and dance in leather pants.

Thank god. He’s too old for that shit anyway.

So he just ... doesn't diet. It seems like too much work when he’s already feeling so tired. Eating what he likes is a hell of a lot easier than dieting would be. When his sister invites him out for brunch with her family on Saturday morning, he gets fried chicken and biscuits. The chicken is moist and the batter is crispy with a hint of spice. The plate is covered in a generous puddle of greasy, rich gravy. He sops up every drop of it with the buttery biscuits, and then finishes off his little niece's waffle. His sister gives him a look, but she doesn’t say anything. He gets sweet, extravagant drinks at Starbucks in the morning instead of his standard iced coffee with no milk because they just taste better. When out for barbecue with friends, he stops worrying about how many servings he’s had, stops worrying about how much beer he’s drunk. He eats and drinks his fill, until his belly is swollen and aching.

He knows he's overdoing it, but he's spent the last ten years worrying about every calorie that passed his lips. It's really fucking nice to just not worry for a little while. He’ll get back on his diet one of these days.

He's at the KBS building preparing to film a guest spot on a variety program about traditional Korean music. The clothes the stylist picked out for him today are a little snug. The pants are tight around his waist, and the shirt pulls over his round belly. Luckily, he's got a sweater to wear over top that will disguise the most of the damage.

He's got a long time before his segment films. The waiting room is cold and boring. He only had a bagel for breakfast, and he's feeling a little peaky.

"Hey," he says to the PA, "I'm going to run out for a sec. I'll be back, okay?"

She narrows her eyes. "Your call time is at three. You need to be back here by then."

"I know," he says. "I got it! I'm a professional."

She rolls her eyes, like she's heard that line before, and she probably has.

Himchan takes the elevator down and walks out through the big lobby into a cold early spring day. Himchan sticks his hands in the pocket of his coat. He has a destination in mind, and thankfully it's not too far. There's a Burger King just a few blocks away across the park. He walks quickly. The streets are crowded with people on their lunch, and he knows if he's not back at the station by three it's his neck on the line. It's not like he's destitute, by any means, but the extra money he pulls in with these variety gigs helps an awful lot.

The line at the Burger King isn't bad. Himchan is overheated and a little sweaty by the time he gets there. He's never been the most physically fit guy and whatever endurance he built up during his military service has been eroded by months of the easy life. His arm brushes the bulge of his belly ... Well, that can't help either.

He's pretty hungry now, he realizes. He shouldn't have rushed so much this morning. Of course a bagel isn't going to tide him over all day. He stares at the menu as the queue shuffles along. He can't make up his mind between the Creamy Shrimp Whopper and the Garlic Steak burger.

In the end, he orders both.

"Will that be all?" the cashier asks in a bored tone.

"Uh," Himchan says, hurriedly. "Let me get a sweet potato fry, a large regular fry, a 10 piece nugget, and a large soda."

Her eyes widen in shock, but she's professional enough not to comment on his order. It's still a little embarrassing, but he's not going to be home until late and filming always makes him hungry.

Still, when his order comes up, he's kind of surprised at how much food it is. He hefts his tray and heads to a table in the back of the restaurant -- he doesn't need anyone gawking at him while he eats. He glances at his phone. It's 2:00, which means he needs to eat pretty quickly. Luckily, he's good at that.

He tackles the Creamy Shrimp Whopper first. This is a new menu item, and he's been wanting to try it ever since he first saw the commercials. It's ... interesting. The burger is typical mediocre Burger King fare, but the shrimp are sweet and firm. The cream sauce is greasy, leaving an oily aftertaste in his mouth. He finishes it off in five or six big bites, washing it down with big gulps of soda. He helps himself to a few nuggets, dipping them in sweet barbecue sauce. It's fast food, so of course they're not that good, but he likes the salty crispy texture. He dips the sweet potato fries in the barbecue sauce as well. They're a little dry, but not bad really.

The thing about food is that Himchan really doesn't care if it's good. Greasy, disgusting fast food burgers are fine by him. He likes it all. He just likes eating, and rushed as he is now, he gets a little sloppy. He stuffs fries in five at a time. He opens his mouth as wide as he can to take a big bite of his second burger. He swallows down the painfully sweet Pepsi and hides a discreet belch behind his hand.

As he's finishing off the Garlic Steak Burger one slippery caramelized onion slides out of the little triangle of bun that's left and lands right on the bulge of Himchan's belly. Shit! The grease soaks into the white fabric instantly, even though he's quick to pick off the errant onion and pop it in his mouth.

Shit. Shit. At least he’s got the sweater to cover it up. He can’t go on television with a grease stain on his shirt. He’s already going to catch hell from the stylist about this.

He sadly pops a few last fries in his mouth, a last nugget or two, and then all that’s left is a wasteland of greasy wrappers.

He leans back Oh boy. He overdid it a little bit, maybe. His belly aches from how much he’s eaten. He finish the last of his soda, hoping that will cut through the heavy glutted feeling, but it doesn’t help.

Himchan piles up the wrappers on his tray. It certainly looks like a lot, all heaped up like that. A lot of garbage, just like all the garbage he just stuffed his face with. He shuffles his chair back, and he's surprised to look down and see how round and huge his belly looks.

He can't go on air like this. He's so full that there are little peeks of white soft belly visible between the gaping buttons of his shirt. He looks like a fat pig.

Shit.

It's twenty to three, and he needs to get back. There's no time to try to find something new to wear. All he can hope is the sweater is generous enough to hide his belly.

He groans as he gets to his feet. His gut feels sloshy and massive, absolutely packed full of food. He dumps his garbage and pulls his coat as tightly around himself as he can.

It's an agonizing slog back to the KBS building. He feels like everyone he passes is staring at him, even though he knows that can’t be true. He's not in the most rational state of mind. All he can think about his how full and sleepy he feels, and how appearing alert and awake and charming on camera is the last thing in the world he wants to do right now.

Thankfully, the lobby is empty, and he gets his own elevator back up to the fifteenth floor. He thinks he's home free, but then the elevator stops on the third floor. Himchan tries to button his coat. He sucks in his belly, and slips one button into the hole but he feels like a sausage squeezed into a much too tight casing. That's not going to work. He unbuttons the coat and hopes nobody important is getting on.

He is staring at his feet, so he doesn't realize who his elevator companion is at first. He sees a pair of expensive heels, strong looking ankles, beautifully curved calves, a pink pencil skirt over thighs just a bit wider than most would find attractive.

Oh no. He knows those thighs.

It's Su Siyong.

He folds his arms over his chest, and looks up. "Hello, Su-su." He coughs. "Uh, it's good to see you."

Her eyes narrow in confusion. "Himchan?"

He smiles in what he hopes is a charming way. "Come on, Su-su. It hasn't been that long."

Her cheeks color a little. It looks good on her. "I didn't recognize you," she says. There's a note of bitterness in her voice that makes him nervous. "You've put on some weight."

He frowns. He knows he's been a little lax with his diet, but he hasn't put on that much. Has he?

"Uh. I had ramen last night. I'm just swollen."

She stares pointedly at his belly.“Must have been a lot of ramen."

He swallows, and tries to pull his coat over his belly. "I've put on a couple of pounds, maybe. I ... uh. I was trying to be like you, actually. You know. Stop worrying about my diet. Enjoying my food a bit."

Her face, so soft and pretty, takes on a dangerous cast as she narrows her eyes. "You are so stupid," she says in an icy voice. "'Enjoying my food?' Is that what you really think of me?" She gestures at herself -- at her generous bosom, at the slight curve of her belly. "You think I'm like this because I 'enjoy my food'?"

Himchan doesn't get it. He knows she does enjoy her food. Why is she acting like he said something awful? "I just ... I always admired that you let yourself eat like a normal person in spite of being...."

"A normal person?" Her voice is dangerously cold now. "Himchan, I am a normal person. I'm a normal person who is fat." He's not sure what his face looks like, but it must be something else. "Yeah, that's right. I can say it. I'm fat and I'm not ashamed of it. I don't have to lie about eating ramen and being swollen." She pokes him right in the belly, hard. Her finger sinks into his soft gut.

He's surprised at the sudden, intense rush of pleasure he feels.

"Would you believe I was almost thinking of returning your call?" She shakes her head. "I'm such an idiot. Listen, Himchan, you're a sweet guy, but why don't you get a clue and figure out how to stop hating yourself? I think you'd be a lot happier."

The elevator slides to a halt on floor fourteen. Siyong gives him one last, disgusted look and gets off.

Himchan sags back against the cold elevator wall, finally relaxing his belly. It sags forward, testing the strength of his buttons.

The stylist shoves a navy sweater at him as he walks to through the door. It's dark enough to disguise the worst of his overindulgence, but it's also so tight he can see the imprint of his buttons through the fabric. He glances at himself in the mirror -- he looks like he's swallowed a bowling ball. He still feels so full and swollen, all achey with how much he's eaten.

He brings his hand to his mouth and lets out a long suppressed belch.

He is tired and distracted during filming, unable to stop thinking about Siyong and sure that everyone is whispering about how fat he's gotten, even though he's sitting behind a desk (he's not sure who to thank for that, but he wants to thank someone).

It's not his finest moment. He's so grateful to finally get back into the dressing room where he can change out of the restrictive dress shirt and pants and into his slightly more comfortable jeans and tee shirt. He's surprised at how tight the jeans feel, biting into his belly.

Siyong is right. He really has gotten fat.

He feels so awful that he stops at the grocery store on the way home and picks up a carton of ice cream. He's not an idiot -- he knows that eating ice cream when you're worried about your weight doesn't exactly make sense -- but he doesn't honestly have the energy to care. It's sweet and delicious and it makes him feel better, one spoonful at a time.

The next few months are not good. They're among the most not good Himchan's ever had. Probably the only other time in his life he remembers being as depressed is when he broke his wrist during the One Shot promotions. It had been so hard to sit at home and watch the others perform, but at least then he'd known that he'd heal soon and be able to rejoin them. At least he'd had daily updates from the kids about everything that was going on.

Now, he feels old and lonely and useless.

To add insult to injury, his hosting gig is cancelled. Through no fault of his own, the network assures him, and he thinks it's probably true. They're just revamping a lot of their programing, and the entertainment news program he hosted is being replaced by a baking competition show. He gets a few offers for variety appearances, but for the most part he turns them down. He's not feeling up to being cheerful and jovial on television.

He doesn’t totally give up, at least not at first. The week after he sees Siyong at the studio he pulls on a pair of old sweatpants and his baggiest tee shirt and laces up his old trainers. He doesn't want to show his face at the gym in his current condition so he just heads down to Hangang Park, figuring he’ll go for a run.

It's a lot harder than he remembers. He jogs slowly for a few hundred meters. He can feel his belly jiggle. He can feel the extra weight in his thighs and his ass. His sweatpants slide down the curve of his gutand he keeps tugging them back up. It's a hot day, and he gets sweaty and red-faced. The park is full of beautiful athletic people running and cycling, and Himchan feels conspicuously old and fat and slow.

Still, he keeps it up for a few days and tries to watch what he eats (only one hamburger for lunch, a small butter pecan Frappucino instead of a large). It's crushing when he steps on the scale at the end of that week and it reads 79.8.

He hasn't lost anything. He's put on a half a kilo, even while depriving himself and torturing himself with daily runs. In the mirror, he looks rounder and pudgier than ever. His belly looks big and soft even when it's not full of food, and even his chest is starting to soften up a little bit too. His cheeks are fuller. His thighs are huge.

For a wild moment, he considers going on a starvation diet. This was his old ace in the hole back in his idol days. Need to drop a few pounds fast? Well, just stop eating. That always did the trick. But he's older now, and the thought of living on a sweet potato a day is enough to make him almost want to cry.

It's no use. He's destined to be a fat ass. He might as well just give up.

He tosses his sneakers in the back of his closet and orders a few pairs of larger sweatpants off of the internet.

He spends the next few weeks indulging his sorrows like never before. He sleeps late and ignores messages from his manager. It’s perverse, he knows, but the worse he feels the hungrier he feels. He spends most of the day on the couch, reading and watching dramas and working his way through bags of chips, boxes of cookies, and packages of candy.

At night, he places big orders of fast food, crossing his fingers that the patient food service workers taking his order think he’s got several very hungry house guests. He turns the volume up on the television when the delivery person arrives, and opens the door only a crack. After he’s alone, he sets his haul out on the coffee table and eats until he’s full and almost ready to burst. Slice after slice of pizza. Giant bowls of jjajangmyeon. Box after box of greasy fried chicken. It’s never too much. There’s something wonderful and awful about the heavy achy feeling of being truly stuffed. His belly is so big and round and demands so much of his attention that he can’t even worry about all the other stuff in his life that he’s messed up so badly. And sometimes when he’s rubbing the heel of his palm into the most aching swollen part of his gut, it hurts so much it feels almost like pleasure.

He’s not sure what to make of that.

He is lying in bed at ten o’clock one morning a few months after his ill-fated encounter with Siyong when he gets a message from Yongguk.

I know you’re not ignoring me Kim Himchan. You’re coming out with us tonight, aren’t you?

Himchan throws his head back against the pillow and groans. He has been ignoring Yongguk, and he doesn’t feel good about it. He just keeps telling himself he needs a little more time before he can face his best friend. But tonight … he’s not sure if Yongguk’s going to let him blow off tonight. Tonight they’re going out -- the six of them. Daehyun and Youngjae by some miracle are both on leave for the weekend, and they have plans to go out for barbecue and beer before they head back to their respective posts.

It was, Himchan remembers with some chagrin, his idea. Months ago, before he’d even broken up with Siyong, when life has seemed so much brighter, he’d proposed this B.A.P reunion.

Idiot. He’s an idiot. He buries his head under a pillow.

The phone buzzes again.

I can tell you read the message, you know

Yongguk is too fucking smug for his own good sometimes.

I’m not an idiot, Bbang. I’ll be there tonight. Don’t worry.

Himchan closes his eyes and groans. He really really doesn’t want to do this, but if he’s going to he needs to get up and try to make himself semi-presentable.

His fingers, flung across the bed in frustration, brush something cool and smooth. Oh. It’s the box of Chocopies he’d been munching on before Yongguk’s text derailed his morning. Still halfway full.He pops one of the little chocolate pucks out of the package and into his mouth. No point in letting them go to waste. He needs some cheering up, anyway.

An hour later Himchan is standing in the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. Freshly showered, his hair is dripping down his back. It’s longer than he’s ever worn it. He really needs a cut. There’s a carpet of patchy stubble on his chin and cheeks. He’s been lazy about shaving. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t go out, right? He’s pale, even for him, and there are dark circles under his eyes. And, of course, he’s fat.

He’s the heaviest he’s ever been as an adult -- he hasn’t stepped on the scale yet, but that will just be confirmation of an obvious truth.He’s big. A few months of guilty sloth and gluttony have added a thick layer of pudge to his already generous form. His features are softer, and he’s got a permanent double chin. He’s got actual man boobs now, plump and round. They lead down to soft bumpers of fat under each arm. His arms, speaking of, are really thick. He lifts one, and gives it an experimental shimmy. A little flabby wing of flesh under his bicep jiggles. Ugh. His belly has taken the brunt of the damage. It’s big, hanging soft and wobbly over his waistband. He can grab a whole handful of jiggly belly fat now. There are stretch marks on his love handles, and around his belly button. His thighs are dimpled. His ass, from what little he can glimpse in the mirror, is huge. Even his knees look fat.

He hadn’t even realized knees could look fat.

He closes his eyes and takes a step forward onto the scale.

He opens one eye, and then the other. He has to lean forward a little to see over the curve of his belly.

92.4 kilograms.

Shit. Shit. Fuck.

He’s not just the biggest he’s ever been as an adult. He’s barely 5 kilos from the biggest he’s ever been. He’d sworn he’d never let himself get that fat again, but here he is. He digs his fingers into his pudgy overhang. He’s made a big, fat pig of himself and he’s going to have to go out and see the guys. He’s going to have to see Daehyun and Youngjae. Shit. They’re never going to let him hear the end of this.

Nothing to do but make the best of a bad situation.

He feels a little better once he shaved and brushes his hair. He’s still a handsome guy, and even the twenty kilos he’s put on can’t totally disguise that. He smiles, and it’s the same charming smile he remembers. Almost. Except for the double chin. Opening his closet crushes any hint of self-confidence he’s been able to muster. Oh god. Nothing is going to fit. He pulls out a pair of black pants he remembers being a little bit looser than his others, maybe. They get stuck around his big pale thighs. He tries his luck with a pair of baggy, unfashionable jeans he’s had for years, and he can pull those up at least. They’re tight around his calves, though, and the seams are going to be imprinted into his thighs. The zipper doesn’t even come close to doing up. He lies on his back on his bed and tries to pack as much belly fat as he can under the flaps, but nope. Not happening. Not even close

He settles, finally, on a pair of black athletic pants that he can just pull on and an XXL black sweatshirt. The clothes are forgiving and he doesn’t look like a total fat ass. He pulls on a baseball cap and some sunglasses and heads out.

He gets a haircut first. That’s safer. He just goes to some hole in the wall place, not his usual salon. He doesn’t want to explain his absence or his gut. The ajusshi who does his hair is old fashioned and gruff and doesn’t seem to care at all what Himchan looks like. That’s just fine with him. Short on the sides and with a smart part, it really doesn’t look bad. Himchan is pleased when he inspects the man’s work in the mirror. It’s not awful. It makes him feel a little bit better.

He’s much less enthusiastic about trying to find a pair of pants that fit. He remembers this from when he was a kid. Shopping isn’t much fun when you don’t fit in even the largest size in the store. The only difference now is that he has a little more money.

He goes to the Gentleman’s section of a very nice department store and wanders around aimlessly for a while. He’s not even sure what size he is, and he’s not sure he wants to find out. He fingers a beautiful soft double-breasted wool jacket and a pair of fine cotton slacks with pleats. Fat guy clothes, but these aren’t ugly and sloppy. He’s almost worked up the nerve to take a pair of pants into the dressing room when someone clears their throat behind him.

“Can I help you?”

The speaker is an older woman, about his mother’s age, expensively dressed. Only her tasteful nametag reveals that she’s a clerk.

“Uh,” he says. “Um. No. I was just going to …” He makes a vague motion with the pants. “I’m trying to find something to wear to a party tonight.”

She smiles, kind but firm. “I don’t think you want to wear those,” she says. “You want something younger, a bit trendier. A handsome young guy like yourself shouldn’t dress like a grandfather, right?”

Himchan knows she’s just flattering a customer to make a purchase, but still, it’s nice to hear. “Um. Yeah. I …” He swallows. “I’ve put on a bit of weight lately, and I seem to have outgrown all of my favorite stores.” He smiles, hoping she’ll do him the favor of laughing at his joke.

She tuts. “Don’t worry about that,” she says, kindly. “Let’s figure out your size and we’ll a few nice things picked out for you.”

Himchan, cheeks red, follows her into a dressing room. He strips down to his boxers as she asks, and oh god. He looks even more enormous with mirrors on all sides. He’s a big, flabby pale blob.

The clerk is the picture of professionalism, though. She takes out a cloth measuring tape and for one awful moment he’s afraid it won’t be big enough to span his massive girth … But it is. More than large enough.This is a fat guy store, and they’re prepared.

“101 centimeters,” she mutters under her breath.

There was a time when he fit into a 75 cm waist. Now he’s 100 centimeters around. That’s a lot bigger. She keeps measuring him and all the numbers are so much bigger than they used to be. They’d been measured all the time for stage outfits and other clothes, and Himchan always knew his numbers. An increase of a centimeter or two was a warning bell. Now, he’s blown past all those warnings, and the numbers are almost obscene.

“Let me bring you a few things,” the clerk says, when she’s done measuring him.“I know what you kids find fashionable.” She pats him affectionately on the shoulder.

He waits in the dressing room, under the unforgiving glare of the bright lights, confronted with his reflection on all sides. There’s a whole army of fat Himchans.They exhale in unison, setting off a wobbly avalanche of belly flesh. He puts a hand on his belly. It is really soft. It’s not like Himchan’s never known any other fat guys, of course, but a lot of them are the big, thick, solid type of fat guy – beer guts and disproportionately skinny legs. Himchan’s all soft, pliable pudge. He’s almost a little pear shaped, with the way his hips flare out and then curve back in. He would be, anyway, if his love handles weren’t so huge. He’s just big all over.

But, maybe … just maybe … it’s not quite as bad as he’d imagined? There was something about hearing that number that flipped some switch in his brain. He isn’t just fat. He’s big – a really big guy. He has mass and girth and substance. He’s still not wild about being a fat pig, of course, but there’s something about being being that big that he kind of likes.

The clerk comes back with armfuls of clothing. She hands them in to Himchan one at a time, and makes him show her each outfit.

He looks a lot better wearing clothes that actually fit. The first outfit he tries on consists of a pair of soft grey trousers that are big enough that he can do them up over his stomach, and a sweater that doesn’t cling to every lump and roll on his body. It looks … not bad. The kind clerk thinks so too, but she doesn’t let him off the hook that easily. He’s barely back in the dressing room before she’s handing in another outfit.

He leaves an hour later with two shopping bags brimming full. He has new pants and tee shirts, a new jacket and several nice sweaters, all in large enough sizes that he can wear them without feeling like he’s being squeezed half to death.

He doesn’t go totally overboard, of course, because he will lose the weight. Eventually. One day.

Right?

Later that night, he’s standing in front of the door where he’s supposed to meet the guys and his nerves are acting up again. He’s wearing a pair of new jeans and a tee shirt with a sweater over it. In his apartment when he’d admired himself in the mirror, he’d actually thought he looked pretty good. Big and solid. Manly, almost, which wasn’t something Himchan was used to feeling.

Now, though, he’s thinking about the last time he saw Yongguk, and how he’d been ten kilos lighter. He’s thinking about the last time he saw Youngjae and Daehyun. It had been right after he’d gotten out of the army and he’d been in the best shape of his life. He’d been so proud that he’d almost had abs for a little while.

Now he’s got a shelf, he thinks, patting the jut of his belly.

Oh well. Nothing he can do but grin and bear it. He takes a deep breath and opens the door.

They’re all gathered in the back room – everyone is here. They’re sitting around a table laden with food and soju and beer, laughing and talking so that they don’t notice him at first.

“Oh sure,” he says, a little loudly. “Ignore poor old Himchan hyung.”

Everyone looks at him, and there’s a moment of silence, an awful moment where HImchan almost wonders if they don’t recognize him (so fat his best friends don’t even recognize him!) but then the moment passes and they’re all on their feet, patting him on the back and pulling him into hugs. He rubs a hand on Youngjae and Daehyun’s short cropped hair.

“Nice ears,” he says to Daehyun.

Daehyun groans. “My squad calls me Dumbo.”

Himchan slides into his place next to Yongguk. It’s a little bit harder now, a little bit of a tighter fit, but he manages okay. Yongguk smiles at him and Himchan feels a lot better.

Youngjae and Daehyun get caught up trying to get Junhong to tell them who he’s dating, and when their attention is elsewhere, Yongguk leans over and says, “Are you okay?”

Himchan frowns. “Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be okay?”

Yongguk’s expression is deadpan. “You didn’t return any of my calls for weeks.”

Himchan frowns. “Um. I was kind of depressed, I guess.”

It’s true, he realizes, although he hadn’t wanted to admit it to himself.

“But you’re okay?”

Other than putting on fifteen kilos and turning into a fatso? “I’m fine,” he says. “Really. I’m sorry, Bbang. I won’t ignore you any more.”

Yongguk grins. “Good,” he says quietly.

His weight, surprisingly, doesn’t come up until much later in the evening. They’re all a little tipsy by now, having moved on from the restaurant to a noraebang, and Himchan is getting slowly to his feet to do a duet with Jongup. Daehyung, who is pretty drunk, takes a bad step, and falls right into Himchan. He almost knocks HImchan off his feet. Himchan grunts and barely manages to stay upright. Daehyun clings, one hand resting low on Himchan’s belly, on the softest, jiggliest roll of fat.

“Damn hyung,” Daehyun says. He gives Himchan’s belly an affectionate squeeze. “You really have given up on the idol life, haven’t you? You’re huge.”

Himchan’s cheeks go scarlet. “I’m going to leave the singing and dancing to you whippersnappers,” he says calmly, even though he feels like he could crumple up and disappear from embarrassment. “I’m taking on pursuits more appropriate to a man approaching middle years.”

“Daehyun,” Youngjae says, sharply. He’s always been a little too observant for Himchan’s tastes. “Get over here. You said you were going to sing ‘Gee’ and do the choreo. There’s no way you still remember the dance.”

This time, though, Himchan is glad for the out. He closes his eyes and reaches for his glass.

Much later still, so late it’s nearly morning, they are out on the streets. Jongup and Yongguk are gone. They left early, because they’re the smartest ones. Daehyun is throwing up in a gutter, leaning on Junhong for support. Himchan has his hands shoved in his pocket. Youngjae is watching him quietly. There’s another sounds of explosive vomiting, and Himchan takes a step away. He really likes these shoes.

“Sorry about Daehyun before,” Youngjae says quietly, without looking up. It’s funny, but he still looks just as young as ever, even with the shaved head.

“Huh?” Himchan asks. He’s not really that drunk, but he feels a little muddled.

“Daehyun,” Youngjae says. “He shouldn’t have said anything about your weight. He doesn’t … he doesn’t get it though.” He smiles, a little sadly. “He’s always been kind of a dick about that stuff, hasn’t he?”

“Yeah,” Himchan says slowly. There were moments, over the years, when Daehyun said something about his weight that stung, sharp and cruel. Himchan had laughed those comments off, because what choice did he have?

“He doesn’t know how much work it is, how exhausting it gets,” Youngjae says, tiredly, and Himchan remembers Youngjae at eighteen, when they’d just debuted and he’d been just a little bit soft with baby fat. He remembers how embarrassed Youngjae had been when the press had snapped a few pictures of his barely soft stomach, and how diligently he’d worked to lose weight. Youngjae, Himchan thinks, knows exactly how exhausting it is to count every calorie you put into your mouth. He is suddenly intensely sad, for both of them.

“Anyway,” Youngjae says. “I’m glad you’re taking it a bit easier now. You look good.”

Himchan rolls his eyes, “I look …”

“You look good, seriously,” Youngjae says. He brushes his hand over his hair, over the patch on top where it’s getting a little thin. “Are you happy?”

Himchan shrugs. “I’m working on it,” he says, slowly. “I’m trying.”

Youngjae smiles at him, and he’s about to say something else, but there’s a howl behind them as Junhong steps back quickly from Daehyun. There’s vomit splattering his shoes. Daehyun goes down heavy onto his knees.

“Oh god,” Youngjae says. “You go get Junhong and keep him from killing Daehyun. I’ll try to get Daehyun home.”

And for a little while, the fact that Himchan’s carrying twenty extra kilos doesn’t matter at all. It’s almost like the good old days. It’s almost like nothing has changed – nothing important, anyway.

He wakes up early the next morning with a terrible hangover. He hauls himself out of bed, takes two aspirin, and lies down on the couch. When he wakes again it’s two in the afternoon and he feels much better. He feels better, in fact, than he has in months. It was really, really good to see the guys. His heart feels whole again.

He’s also starving. He makes himself three fried eggs and heats up some frozen hash browns. He makes a nice little pile of buttery toast while the eggs cook. He makes a cup of instant coffee and sits down to eat his breakfast at his kitchen table. He takes his time, wanting to make sure he doesn’t overdo it, but this is nothing he can’t handle. When his plate is clean, he sits back with one hand resting on his belly, feeling totally, utterly content.

After he showers and dresses in some of the nice new clothes he’s bought, he actually works up the nerve to call his manager and beg forgiveness. After a well deserved reaming out, his manager tells him that he’s had a few offers come in for new projects.

Himchan clears his throat. “Hyung,” he says. “Listen … I’ve um. I’ve put on a little more weight.”

His manager makes a tired sound. “Okay,” he says. “We can get you a personal trainer again. We can …”

“No,” Himchan says. “I don’t want to do that. I’m … I’m okay with it. I’m just letting you know.”

“Oh,” his manager says, seemingly at a loss.

HImchan clears his throat. “Tell me about these new opportunities.”

Four weeks later, Himchan is signing a contract to be a member of a new MBC variety show focusing on the traditional arts. He’s also, reluctantly, agreed to start going to the gym, but the joke’s on his company. He goes three times a week like they ask but he mostly does strength exercises, capped off by a leisurely walk in the treadmill. Getting a little exercise is a good thing, he thinks, but this routine isn’t going to slim him back down anytime soon. Not with the way he’s been eating.

He’s put on a few more kilos, in fact. He’s tried to cut out the worst of his binging. He’s not eating two pizzas a night any more, and isn’t pigging out on fried chicken, but he’s Kim Himchan and he’s still got a very healthy appetite and a real weakness for sweets. At the development meetings for the new show, there’s always a table of pastries and fruit, and Himchan makes sure to fix himself a nice plate before he sits down. He hasn't switched back to iced coffee -- his default Starbucks order is still a Venti Mocha with full fat milk and extra whipped cream. It just tastes better. He's not going back to those salad days of boiled chicken breast and soybean paste soup. He's just not going to do it.

All the nice new clothes he got start to get a little tight, though. The pants start pulling around the waist. The sleeves of the shirts start to squeeze his pillowy upper arms. Even the sweaters start to get a little tight, clinging to the curve of his belly, not doing nearly so much to disguise it.

He's not sure it can be disguised, at this point. He's getting big. His scale is shoved under the counter in the bathroom -- out of sight, out of mind. He's trying to stop worrying about the numbers, but he can tell from the way his belly looks so huge that he's passing definitively out of the realm of chubby and into the kingdom of fat.

Kim Himchan is a fat man.

It's funny, but those words don't burn quite the way they once would have.

It's even funnier that nobody else seems to care quite as much as he thought they would.

Strangest of all, he's actually had a few people flirt with him. He's not sure, because Himchan's never been the best at noticing that kind of thing. He can turn on the charm when he wants, but he assumes all attention directed his way is mocking. Still, he'd gone out with some of the staff of the variety show to a bar a few weeks back and there had been a woman there -- his age, attractive, very well dressed -- who had talked to him all night. She'd been friendly and engaging and coy, and he'd been nearly convinced she'd been flirting with him.

He hadn't been positive, though, so he hadn't asked for her number. He almost regrets that, except every time he thinks of dating someone his thoughts inevitably drift back to Siyong.

He hadn't realized in their brief time together how much he'd come to care for her. She's the second lead in a new drama, and every time he sees an ad for it he's struck at how beautiful she is. Her beauty is barely the smallest part of what he misses though. It had been so easy to be with her, once he'd gotten past her initial shy demeanor. She was easygoing and kind, and she had a great sense of humor. He'd love just sitting in her kitchen chatting while she whipped up something delicious and sweet.

He regrets now how unwillingly he'd always sampled her baking. It's just one of so many regrets he has when he thinks about Su Siyong.

But, like Himchan's thirty-inch waist, some things are gone and won't ever come back.

In the fall of that year, after the first season of the variety show has ended to general acclaim, Himchan is invited to the wedding of an acquaintance-- it's not someone he knows well, just one of those people he'd run into here and there over the years. The wedding invitation is a generous gesture, and although he has a pang about the +1 on the invitation, he decides to go.

The day he mails in his response, he steps on the scale for the first time in almost half a year. He’s going to need to buy a new suit. He's pretty sure that the nice navy suit he bought in the summer isn't going to fit any more. He knows he's put on more weight. He's big enough now that he can't find anything at all that will fit him in a standard size store. Even XLs are comically small. He goes to specialty shops catering to larger men -- fat guy stores.

It doesn't bother him as much as it should.

There have been a few articles about his weight gain, and he's read them, but all the sting has gone out of it. He feels good. He feels better now than he has in years. He's even gotten more serious about strength training at the gym, so at least a little of his new bulk is probably muscle. He knows people whisper when he eats as much as the other, skinnier cast members, but why shouldn't he?

He realizes now, finally, what Su-su had meant about not hating himself.

There's a strange, residual moment of terror when he stands in front of his old nemesis the scale. He's spent so many years terrified of what it would reveal: every kilo gained was a personal failing, every kilo lost was just a temporary victory against an overwhelming tide.

He thinks he's over that, but twenty odd years of self-loathing aren't all that easy to shrug off.

He takes a step forward onto the scale, eyes closed. He waits, almost trembling with nerves, while it registers his weight. He opens an eye and looks down but all he can see is the pale hemisphere of his belly. He leans forward.

114.2 kilos.

He feels hot and cold all at once. 114.2 kilos. The number sounds so big. Huge, honestly.

The realization that he's not upset is even more shocking than the number itself.

He can't quite define how he feels, honestly, but that awful icky shame feeling in the pit of his stomach is absent. He knows that one well; he lived with it long enough. He feels surprised, definitely. Even though he knew he'd been gaining weight, 114.2 kilos is still a lot. Even more shocking is the thought that in the last year he's put on almost 50 kilos in the last year.

When he thinks about that, he doesn't feel bad at all. Instead he feels almost ... proud?

Yes, proud is the right word, although it still sits a little uneasily. There is something kind of impressive about the enormous bulge of his belly, maybe. If you look at it in the right light. There's definitely something impressive about how much he can eat. It's not like everyone can toss back a pizza like it's nothing. There's something wonderful, certainly, about how much he enjoys eating.

A month or so later, just before Christmas, Himchan shows up at the Shilla Hotel feeling pretty good about himself. He's wearing a new suit, custom-made, that fits him like a glove. (The tailor he works with had thoughtfully added a few centimeters to his initial measurements, allowing for some extra indulgence leading up to the holidays. Himchan hasn't weighed himself recently, but he's more than filling out the 120cm waist pants.) He gets out of his car and hands his keys to the valet. In the glossy plate glass exterior of the hotel, he takes stock of what he sees: a large man, certainly, but well dressed, and with a charming smile. He straightens his lapels, and brushes a stray hair back into place.

It's a lovely evening. Himchan has a great time. The couple is deeply in love, and their joy is infectious. The food is excellent, and provided in such ample quantities that even Himchan eats his fill (or comes close, at least). There's an excellent band playing good music. Opulent displays of flowers cover every horizontal surface, and many of the vertical ones. He catches up with some old friends he hasn't seen in years. Not one of them mentions his weight.

Still, by the end of the evening, Himchan is feeling melancholy. Not sad, exactly, but just a little sorrowful to think that in the midst of all this happiness he's alone, and there are no prospects of that changing anytime soon. He drains his glass of cabernet and gets up to get another. Rather than return to the table he takes a seat at the bar. It's more of an effort than it used to be to haul himself onto the bar stool, but there's a lot more of him to haul.

He's nursing his wine when someone sits down beside him. The bar is pretty full, so it's not surprising. He glances over. It's a woman, looking away from him down the bar, towards the front of the room. Her generous curves are poured into a sleeveless pink dress, and her blonde hair is tucked up into an elegant knot. There's something familiar about the way she's sitting, with one leg curled around the other. He's seen that before. It's so familiar. It's ...

"Su-su?"

She turns around, surprised, and he can see the confusion in her eyes. If it had taken her a moment to recognize him the last time they met, now the reaction is even more delayed. He understands why. He looks much different. Much fatter.

"Himchan?" Her eyes are wide.

"Hello," he says, and he smiles.

"Himchan. Hi.” She turns towards him, eyes wide with suprise.

"You look lovely," he says, because it's truth. She looks more beautiful than he's ever seen her.

"Thank you," she says, smiling. "You look ..."

He forces the smile to stay on his face. "Fat," he says. "I know. You can say it."

She narrows her eyes. "I was going to say happy," she says.

He thinks about that for a moment. "I am happy," he says. "Happier than I've been in a long time. Fat, too, though." He smiles wryly.

Su-su sits back. She looks confused. "What happened? Are you okay? Are you..."

"I'm fine," Himchan says. "Really. It was rough going for a little while there, but I'm in a much better place now."

"I'm glad," she says cautiously. “You do look like you’ve

He is struck suddenly at how badly he must have hurt her. He knew it, but he can feel it now. He'd been ashamed of her and more ashamed of himself, and all that shame had been a twisted, evil thing that had ruined any chance they had of being happy together. He’d been so unhappy with himself, he doesn’t think he could have been happy with anyone.

The bartender comes with Siyong’s drink, and she moves as if to stand up. Himchan realizes that if she does, this is it. They'll never be anything to each other again. And maybe that would be what he deserves, but he wants to apologize before she goes in case he doesn't get another chance.

"Hey," he says, resting a hand on her arm to pause her.

She turns back towards him, eyes hard.

"I just want to apologize again," he says. "Su-su, I'm so sorry."

He can see in her face all the years of effort she's spent fighting against a society and a world that told her she's wrong just for being her.

"It's fine, Himchan," she says. "I appreciate it, honestly, but I've ..."

"No," he says. "It's not fine. I didn't realize." He shakes his head. "I didn't realize how much I hated myself. I spent such a long time worrying that someone might call me fat I never stopped to wonder why I was scared of it to begin with. I didn't realize how brave you were for just deciding to be you, and not ashamed of it." He clears his throat. "So, I'm sorry, Su-su. I know there's nothing I can do to make up for it, but I want you to know."

Something in her face crumples, and she sits back down. "Oh, Himchan," she says. "It's okay. Really." She sighs. "I know it's hard. I mean ..." She closes her eyes. "I try so hard, but you know what they told me when I got the part in 'Moonlight Girl'?

This was the drama she'd just completed. It had been a relatively big hit, and Himchan had been glad for her.

"They said they wanted a chubby girl, but they told me not to gain any more weight. 'Chubby, but not really chubby.' That's what they said."

Himchan frowns. "What did you tell them?"

She shrugs. "Nothing," she says. "I needed the work."

He nods, slowly. He gets it. He really gets it. It's taken him until his thirties to even think of defying conventional stick-thin wisdom, and he knows it must be ten time as bad for her as a woman. Sometimes, the fight isn’t worth the cost. Sometimes, though, it is.

Himchan feels his cheeks growing red. "I knew I was an idiot for losing you, but I didn't realize how amazing you were, Su-su. You're a hundred times braver than I am."

Siyong stares down at her hands folded in her lap. She takes a deep breath, and then looks up. Her eyes are bright. "Maybe ... Maybe we could get dinner sometime? Start over?"

He smiles so wide he feels like his cheeks are going to split, and he doesn't even worry about how chubby it makes his face look. "You still want to? In spite of ... all this?" He pats his fat gut. He’s not the guy she started dating almost a year ago -- he doesn’t look like that guy, at least.

She flushes even redder. "I think you look good," she says. "Really. It suits you."

He laughs, a little embarrassed, but also so happy. Happier than he can remember being in forever. "I kind of like it," he says. "It's a lot easier, eating what I want."

She giggles and nods. "I'm glad I'm done with the drama." She pats her own soft belly. "It's so nice not to worry. I've actually been thinking of getting another slice of that cake."

Himchan nods. It had been excellent cake -- soft and spongy, with a thick layer of custard in between and sugared fruit on top.

"I think that sounds like an excellent idea," he says. He gets to his feet, and offers her his hand. "Shall we?"

She takes it. Hand in hand, they set off to find their cake.

#bap #himchan #kim himchan #weight gain #weight issues #self confidence issues #eating disorders #stuffing #belly kink #measuring kink #tight clothes #self acceptance #future fic #weight shaming #food kink

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