#there are 10 million covers and all of them are on my work’s Christmas playlist

[blackthorn-faerie]

STOP COVERING “LAST CHRISTMAS”!!!!!! IT’S BEEN DONE SO MANY TIMES, AND NONE OF THEM WILL EVER BE AS GOOD AS GEORGE MICHAEL

[celestialrry]

gold rush

3.3k

summary: Enemies to lovers, inspired by the lovely Taylor Swift’s Gold Rush!

warnings: mention of alcohol consumption, reader and Harry being bitches, angst, and a good ending bc I can't seem to leave anything on a bad note

If someone asked you to list off everything you hated about Harry Styles, you were positive that you would be talking for a solid 10 minutes.  He was the epitome of everything you despised. To be more specific, you despised people who acted “deep”, people who acted humble, people who pretended to be different from the general population, people who acted like they didn’t know millions would drop to their knees with a simple wave or smile, and people who acted perfect. And as far as you knew, that was everything that Harry Styles was. 

A famous rockstar and millionaire who comes back to his hometown, which happens to be yours as well, and acts like he wasn’t any different. He pretends to blush when someone would compliment him and ask for a picture, like he hasn't been asked for pictures millions of times before. He waves his black amex card around and buys one fucking coffee with it. You hated him, because everyone loved him.

And of course with your luck, a few years ago when your mom had met his mom at a neighborhood get together, they became best friends, and had made Christmas Eve dinner a tradition between your family and his. That’s where you met him, and that's when your hatred began. You knew who he was and had been a big fan of One Direction (Harry was even your favorite), but after you had had a conversation with him? Let’s say your excitement was diminished. 

So here you were, driving through the snow in your rental car to your mom’s house a week before Christmas. Your playlist had changed songs and before you knew it you heard the familiar guitar strums. You couldn't bring yourself to change it, in all honesty you loved Harry’s first album, and most recent album Fine Line. Even though it came out 5 days ago you had it on repeat. As much as you hated Harry Styles, you would always love his music.

After you had arrived at the house you grew up in, said hi to your family and got settled, all you wanted was some coffee. You said your goodbyes and promised to be home soon, and drove through town to the coffeeshop, bundling into your sweater, jacket, and scarf before stepping out into the snow and making your way inside. 

The bell rung as you swung open the door and almost immediately you spotted a familiar face, partially covered by a beanie and a scarf. Wonderful, you thought to yourself. You made your way to the counter and ordered a hot coffee and a scone before sitting down at one of the tables on the opposite side of the cafe. Anything to avoid him. 

You heard your name phrased like a question and looked up, your eyes following from the Chelsea boots on the tile, to the trousers, then jacket covered sweater, scarf, then his face. Your chest clenched in frustration. “Harry.” You nodded back, making it obvious you wanted nothing to do with him.

He definitely did not get the hint because almost immediately the seat in front of you was taken over by his presence. “I didn’t think the Grinch would be n’town so early.”

Your cheeks burned and you quickly shot back. “And I thought Scrooge was dead by now but I guess I was wrong,” You rolled your eyes. “Also, are you sure I’m the one out of both of us who’s the Grinch, look at your sweater.” You added, eyes trailing down to his light green hairy sweater. 

“If we’re basin’ it off looks then yes m’sure you would be the Grinch.” Harry retorted, scoffing. 

“Wow Harold! You are just absolutely hilarious, are you sure you went into the right industry?” You raised your brows and gave a fake smile, knowing he could see right through it. Before he could answer, a waitress had brought over your coffee and scone, setting it down on the table. 

She looked up at you reciting your order and giving you a smile before she did a double take at the man sitting in front of you. Oh god. “I’m so sorry, but are you Harry Styles?” the girl asked, eyes practically turning into hearts before you. 

“Yes, I am, and y’name is?” He asked cheekily, extending a hand for her to shake. She looked like she was about to die as she gently grabbed his hand and shook it, reciting her name like she had attempted to memorize it the night before.

“Well, it’s very nice t’meet you, would y’like a picture?” He asked and you swore you couldn’t roll your eyes back further into your head. 

“Oh! Um,” her eyes darted over to you as you sat back in your seat, sipping your coffee. “I wouldn’t want to interrupt anything...” She trailed off as if she was asking for your permission.

You wanted to say she already had anyways, but there was no reason for you to be upset at this girl. You would act like her too if you didn't know who Harry actually was. “Don’t worry, you aren’t.” You smiled at her, genuinely. Maybe she would drag Harry away long enough so you could eat your food and drink your coffee and scram.

She let out a breath it seemed she’d been holding and pulls out her phone. You purse your lips and sigh before offering to take a photo for them. She thanks you about a billion times while Harry stands up from his seat and wraps his arm gently around her shoulders. You stand up as well to get a few decent photos of the two of them smiling and hand the phone back to her. She tells Harry she’s been a fan for years and loves him as well as his music and message and he thanks her for supporting him. That’s the one think you like about Harry, how he truly is grateful for his fans. Everything else sucked. After they get done speaking she noticed your coffee and scone are done. 

“God, I’m so sorry, would you guys like any refills or more pastries? It’s on the house.” She smiles, patting down her apron. 

You look over at Harry who had sat down again and look back at the sweet girl in front of you. “No thank you.” She nods while Harry repeats your words and head back behind the counter. 

“That was nice of you, back there. Thought the Grinch was too mean t’take photos for people.” He chuckled at you. 

“If this is your way of thanking me, you aren't doing a very good job Harold.” You said sharply, pulling your coat off the back of the chair. 

“It wasn’t m’way of thanking’ you. Y’need to be brought off y’high horse once in a while.” He shrugged like he wasn't just blatantly rude to you. Sure you both had a witty banter but it always seemed Harry took it too far, and well, that's one of the reasons you hate him. 

“Maybe apply that to yourself once in a while.” You huffed, shrugging your jacket on and pulling your scarf back on as well. 

He ignored your words and raised a brow. “Leavin’ already?”  

“Yeah actually, I came here to relax but that's not working out so well.” You gestured between the two of you. You were going to leave it like that but as you stood up you could see the girl behind the counter waving for you to come over. Brows furrowed in confusion you headed over to her. 

“I just wanted to say thank you so much for taking photos for us, and Harry looks really happy with you so, thank you for making him happy.” She said quietly so only you could hear. Your eyes widened and you opened your mouth, about to tell her there was no way in hell you’d ever date Harry but the way she looked at you with adoration caused you to smile and simply say, “Thank you.” Before bidding her a good day. 

You dug through your bag as you went to go to the door to leave, looking for your car keys when a body appeared in front of you. You stopped immediately, looking to see that fucking grin and a hand holding your keys. “Lookin’ for these?” He teased, waving them in front. You reached out to grab them and he only pulled them away and you quickly realized how this would go.

“Harry, give me my keys.”

“Magic word?” He asked turning his ear towards you. Instead you blew air in it and grabbed your keys when he was distracted, brushing past him to open the door into the freezing air. The sparks you felt as you passed him was definitely because you were cold, right?

**

Soon it was Christmas Eve and you don't think you’ve ever been dreading an evening more, other than the past few years on this exact day. It was snowing when you and your mom arrived at the Styles household. You knocked on the door loud so you both could be let in as soon as possible. 

“Sweetie, I don't think knocking that hard is really welcoming.” 

You pursed your lips and turned around to your mom, knowing this was just how she was and you bit back a snarky comment simply replying, “I’m just really cold.” 

After those words left your mouth the door opened behind you and you turned around, face to face with the curly headed man-child. He nodded at you, saying your name before calling out to your mom. She smiled and gave him a quick hug before he ushered her in the house, forgetting about you outside. Already a wonderful start to the evening, you thought, sighing as you walked inside onto the wooden floors.

You heard laughs and exclamations in the dining room, and you made your way there, knowing this house a little too well. Anne called out your name as she saw you step in, rushing forward to give you a kiss on the cheek and a hug. “It’s so nice t’see you, love. You get more gorgeous every year.” You but your lip and smiled at her, “And you get younger each year.” You softly said as she laughed and led you over to Gemma. 

“Hi Gems,” You grinned, giving her a hug. She returned it, just as happy to see you. Out of the Styles siblings, she was your favorite, obviously, but the two of you had actually become friends, not just family-friends. “Hey, love. Long time no see.” You laughed as you both pulled away. “Too long.”

Your mom had brought over some pie so she sat it down on the dining table where the rest of the food was. “Well loves, let all sit down!” Anne said, taking her seat at the head of the table. You opted to sit in the chair in front of you, while your mom sat to the right of Anne, so she was diagonally across from you. ��Gemma then took the seat across from you, next to your mom. Oh no. The only seat Harry could sit in would be the one next to you. 

He looked around the table and bit his lip as if that would help the situation but he ended up sighing just loud enough for you to hear it as he plopped into the seat next to you. His hair moved with him, falling perfectly into place on his head. Of course his hair would be perfect like he apparently is. 

Everyone quickly jumped into conversations about everyone’s life, and what they’ve been doing, focusing on Gemma for the most part as you all dug in to the food. The conversation then led to Harry’s career and life at the moment. 

You zoned in after deciding not to pay attention after he started talking to hear him say, “I don’t think m’different, I just have a different job y’know?” 

You scoffed out of reflex and all eyes at the table turned to you. “Yeah, a different job that makes you known to millions of people around the world, that in itself changes a person.” You pointed out, taking a sip of your water afterwards. 

Your mom hissed your name scoldingly. “That was unnecessary.” she finished, her eyes glaring at you. 

Your eyes grew wide as you realized you forgot you were in front of your family, and the rest of Harry’s family. 

“It’s okay, Miss.” Harry spoke up with your mom’s name, looking at her for a moment with a smile before turning to face you. “We can have different opinions but y’don't really know me all that well d’you?” His captivating eyes locked onto yours and you suddenly felt small in front of him. Before you could respond Anne exclaimed, “Time for dessert, yeah?” 

As everyone went to put their plates in the sink, you trailed behind feeling unusually guilty, not how you normally felt after similar conversations with Harry.  Everyone else had picked up conversation again as they made their way back to the table, but you kept your mouth shut the whole time, only mumbling a thank you to Anne who served you your pie. Luckily no one seemed to notice you had decided to no longer talk, it would only make things worse, you believed. Except Harry.

He was talking the whole night, trying to ignore that comment you made, because well, he knew that you were only judging him on the surface level. It was strange to him though, that the assumptions hurt more coming from you than the hundreds of people who made the same ones at him everyday. He wished he could say he expected more from you, but the two of you had been at odds since the first day you met. He had absolutely no idea why you had been so nice, then 15 minutes later you weren't laughing at his jokes and rolling your eyes. he had become so fed up with it, it was safe to say he hated you. He enjoyed teasing you and pushing your buttons, but the true frustration he felt for you never went away after all these years of sarcastic comments and stolen glares.

So why was his chest clenching as he looked over at you to see you silently eating your pie and looking down at the table cover? Harry was sure that he had never seen you so resigned before, usually you had all the things in the world to say. 

He worked up the courage to softly knock his fabric covered knee against yours. You looked up at the contact, head turning slightly to look at him, but he was faced to his mom, immersed in whatever conversation they were having. An accident it seemed, that he touched you. It was the most contact the two of you have had since you met him, and only then did you shake his hand. 

Soon enough everyone finished their pie and you quickly stood up and offered to take them to the sink while they headed to the living room to have a glass of wine and play some games. As you walked past Gemma she gently grabbed your arm and you stopped, looking at her. “Are you okay?” She asked, her face etched with concern. 

“I’m fine Gems, maybe ate too much.” You laughed it off and she took your answer hesitantly before heading to the living room. You reached the kitchen and set the plates and forks in the sink, pulling up your sweater sleeves and tucking back your hair as you started the faucet. You heard the beginning of some Christmas music and knew there was no chance anyone would come back to check on you with Andy William’s voice serenading them with lyrics of “the most wonderful time of the year”. Bullshit, you thought.

You began to wash the plates with a sponge that was on the edge of the sink, and immersed yourself in the soapy water, placing plates to dry on the rack, and returning to wash the next. 

“Y’don't need t’be doing those.” 

You practically jumped out of your skin when you hear this voice. You lowered the water flow and turned to look at him approaching you on your left. “I know.” Was all you said, as you continued to wash the second to last dish. 

His eyes widened at your response. He was ready to hear, “It’s called being polite, Harold. Maybe you should try it sometime.” Or a snarky comment like that. But no. You just brushed him off. 

He was about to open his mouth and tease you a bit more, just to hear the you that he knew but you beat him to it. “I’m sorry, Harry. About what I said earlier, and... everything before that too.” You mumbled, focusing your attention on scrubbing the last dish that was definitely clean already. 

“Oh! Um, thank you.” Was all he could muster out, his heart beating a thousand times a second, as his cheeks turned red. This was odd. 

You waited a bit, in the silence, for him to say more but he didn’t, You sighed, putting the last dish on the rack and wiping your hands dry on the towel before turning to him fully. 

“Really? I just apologized for like, everything, and you can't do the same?” You asked, looking up at him exasperated. “I’m not the only one here who has been an absolute asshole, it goes both ways.”

He furrowed his brows and looked at you, the wheels visibly turning in his head. “M’sorry too. I mean it. It’s fitting how y’apologized first though, because y’know, you started it.”

He really needed to stop talking.

You glared at him incredulously. “I started it? When I met you, you didn’t even bother to look at me, not even halfway through our introduction you left to talk to someone else. It was like that the entire day, sue me for reacting like any normal person would.” You said, you gaze now focused on his chest. You deflated a bit, after admitting that to him. It was terrible, meeting someone you had adored for years, only for them to leave and not even finish listening to your name.

His mouth formed an “o” shape as his frustration dissipated. Harry couldn't even argue with you on that, because he remembered that night. One of his mates had called for him and he sped off, leaving you in the middle of one of your neighbor’s backyards during a little get together. 

“I-I’m sorry. I remember that, y’didn’t deserve that at all, I was a proper arse.” He managed to get out, his lips turning into a line at the tension. 

“Yeah,” you laughed a bit. “Every year I’d just hate you more and more, because every time I saw you it seems you hated me more than the last.”

“The same f’me too, y’know.”

“What?” You looked up at him. 

“I hated y’cause I thought y’hated me.” He pointed out, his lips turning up into a grin. 

You laughed, your head falling into your hands. “I think we should’ve had this conversation years ago,” You said, looking up at the man who didn't seem so bad anymore. “Do you wanna start over?” You asked. 

“No, let’s treat it as a bump in the road, y’know? Kiss and makeup.” He grinned, looking up to the ceiling. 

You followed his gaze to see a little brach of mistletoe hanging from the ceiling. “That’s an odd place for mistletoe.”

“Doesn't matter, y’have t’follow the rules.” He said cheekily. 

He stepped forward as did you, and you brought your hands up to his shoulders. You leaned up and kissed his cheek instead, plush lips against his stubble. You pulled away and smiled at the visible blush on his cheeks. 

“You tease.” He laughed, wrapping his arms around you in a warm hug, and in that moment, you finally understood why everyone would die to feel his touch.

 low-key hated this ending but its fineee. thank you for all the love <3

[jonathantabs714-blog]

Winning Techniques For Happy Wheels Unblocked

Just How To Install Rar Video Game Data

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Content

Xmas Shop Online.

Gamings You May Not Know Concerning

Gameanalytics Places All Of Our Kpis In One Area, And Also Helps United States To Track Layout Occasions And Maximize Our Video Game Circulation.

The 50 Ideal Gamecube Games Of Perpetuity.

Agos: A Game Of Room.

Mahjong Games.

What is KreekCraft Roblox password?

KreekCraft on Twitter: "My password is oneforrestone. "

It doesn't do anything great on its own, however offers you accessibility to the things that do. If anything is clear from the above animation, it's that the checklist of the globe's most prominent sites is frequently shifting-- and only time will certainly tell what the following couple of decades will bring. Despite the big investment, the campaign functioned-- at its top, AOL had over 30 million individuals, and also a market cap of over $200 billion. It was the most popular website online up until the very early 2000s, when broadband began to replace dial-up. As the sands moved, AOL battled to remain appropriate and also was at some point marketed to Verizon for simply $4.4 billion.

There are many fun as well as budget-friendly activities you can do without leaving the convenience of your very own house. Set up dominoes to make a domino run by standing them on end in long lines to ensure that when the very first floor tile topples, it topples the 2nd, which topples the 3rd, then the fourth, up until all of the ceramic tiles drop. Start with relatively couple of dominos and also enhance the number and problem of the layout with each subsequent run.

Christmas Shop Online.

Within a month, the service produced $50 million in revenue. Netflix is the only streaming solution to make it right into the leading 20 most downloaded apps, but the launch of Disney+ could potentially transform that. According to the record, complete application downloads expanded to 115 billion in 2019, consisting of nearly 31 billion downloads on the Application Store as well as 84 billion on Google Play. It is for that reason no surprise that applications have become one of the largest customer ecological communities in the world, with the global app economic climate expected to get to $6.3 trillion by 2021.

Rather than streaming shows or enjoying DVDs, make up your own stories based on the type of stories you know they take pleasure in. You've most likely heard your youngsters discussing their preferred programs on Netflix, Hulu, etc . Why not established apart some time to get acquainted with one or more of them. If it's not raining or stormy outside, you can constantly simulate the sounds with a white noise device.

Gamings You Might Not Know Concerning

It's currently estimated that $1 million is now invested per min online. Amazon ships a remarkable 6,659 packages every min to stay on par with this demand. By taking a look at which brand names have actually shown up in the visuals in earlier years, we can about chart the prominence of certain technology sections, as well as observe brand names with the most staying power. This visuals take a look at the huge numbers behind the on-line solutions billions use everyday. While several professionals asserted that the application market was dead in its tracks, it's safe to state that those forecasts are now being irrefutably challenged.

Is PUBG banned?

Yes, the government of India has banned both PUBG Mobile and PUBG Mobile Lite application in the country on Wednesday. Both the mobile games are developed by Tencent Games which is situated and registered in China.

Gameanalytics Puts Every One Of Our Kpis In One Place, As Well As Aids United States To Track Layout Events And Also Enhance Our Video Game Flow.

There are excellent building games as well, take Bloxburg for instance.

We agree with Preston and also Cameron that Minecraft is a great deal much better than Roblox.

You can find numerous brain intro applications on your mobile phone and totally free mind games online to maintain you active for hours.

Roblox is a gaming system with countless high quality video games, as well as the games themselves are distinct.

Roblox can not be used nearly as lots of systems as Minecraft can, primarily being PC, Phone, Playstation, and Xbox.

Roblox is playable on Xbox and also COMPUTER, as well as you can construct as well as discover on Roblox Studio.

Intermingle a playlist with great beats and begin relocating. Have your partner include their favorite dancing celebration tracks as well. Place on some strobe lights, and also quickly you'll be wrecking the cooking area dancing floor.

What are the top 10 online games?

Top 10 Online Multiplayer GamesApex Legends.

Overwatch.

Minecraft.

Dota 2.

Grand Theft Auto V.

Sea of Thieves.

League of Legends. Another old school title which is still being played by millions of users around the world.

Counter-Strike: Global Offensive. Also known as CS: https://unblocked-games.online GO, this is a legendary 1stt-person shooter released on PCs and Macs.

More items

The 50 Ideal Gamecube Games Of All Time.

Can you die of boredom?

Research over the last decade has shown that boredom alone won't kill you. However, long-term boredom may increase your risk for an early death. This is because boredom may increase stress hormones in the body, which can lead to a higher risk of cardiovascular disease.

That figure also exceeds Hulu and Amazon.com Prime's numbers for the entirety of 2019. Regardless of a November launch, Disney+ came to be the 2nd most preferred brand-new application of 2019.

You do not have to pay a fortune and even leave your house to switch over up your regimen. You can discover a lot of fun, affordable entertainment under your very own roof covering. There are so many wonderful Xmas suggestions here for the next holiday. Dig via your storage room for old Halloween outfits, outfit garments or what-was-I-thinking purchases and also play dress-up with your youngsters.

Modern Times Group Promotes Redin To Chief Executive Officer.

While you don't necessarily have to take part in the precise same tasks each day, it's practical to shut out particular times committed to work, workout, tasks, leisure activities, and interacting socially. In many cases, consistent boredom may cause anxiety, however you might also be persistantly tired from having this mental health condition.

Agos: A Video Game Of Room.

Particularly, India's raising digitization is driving considerable development out there. The nation saw virtually 5 billion application installs in the last quarter of 2019-- rising ahead of the UNITED STATE with simply over 3 billion installs. The application economic climate is additionally being fueled by development in emerging markets including China, India, Brazil and Russia, many thanks to quicker internet rates and increasing smartphone adoption rates. To place this into context, Disney+ acquired 34% of all streaming app downloads in less than three months, or 30 million subscribers-- fifty percent of Netflix's existing 60 million UNITED STATE subscribers.

If you haven't been a journal writer in the past, currently is a great time to begin. You can journal concerning your daily life occasions, your sensations, your routine, or your hopes and desires. A letter is a classic kind of document revealing you took the time to handwrite your ideas and also sensations. You can create one video clip to send out to several people, or make individualized video clips for every person in your circle to supply them a special message.

[bobbystompy]

My Top 75 Songs Of 2019

Previously: 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011

First time going below 100 songs since 2015, and I cannot wait. Giving this extra juice already.

As always, criteria and info:

This is a list of what I personally like, not ones I’m saying are the “best” from the year; more subjective than objective

No artist is featured more than once

If it comes down to choosing between two songs, I try to give more weight to a single or featured track

Each song on the list is linked in the title if you wanna check them out for yourself; there is also a Spotify playlist at the bottom that includes the majority of the songs

This is usually the part where I put up a pump up video, but we are going with something a little different this year.

(It was stuck my head. Blame Blink-155.)

75) YG - “In The Dark”

The video begins with YG chugging a full tequila bottle -- sure. This song is very bad. It’s like he’s in a competition to make the verse lyrics worse than the chorus lyrics (spoiler alert: the verses “win”); not even satanic imagery can save this.

74) Solange - “Stay Flo”

Here’s a weird take: wouldn’t Solange’s career be way more fun if everyone slept on her? Instead, it’s hype on hype -- plus being Beyoncé’s sister -- which makes it nearly impossible to deliver. This has a fun beat/vibe but is kinda boring... and was still easily my favorite off her album.

73) Art Alexakis - “The Hot Water Test”

My doctors told me that I had a disease / I will slowly fall apart until there’s nothing left that looks like me

This song makes the stakes clear immediately. It was released a few months after I saw Art play in June 2019 on my birthday. At the intimate show, he revealed his multiple sclerosis diagnosis as if we were all his closest friends. Something like this is never easy to deal with -- a similar announcement by the Lucky Boys Confusion singer did not help matters -- but music can help such a painful situation, and it’s clearly Alexakis’ exile here.

72) The Cranberries - “In The End”

A very suitable sendoff for the band following the passing of singer Dolores O’Riordan. The recording story (via NPR):

O'Riordan died suddenly in January 2018 at 46 years old and left behind the vocal tracks to what was intended to be the band's latest album. Now, O'Riordan's bandmates have decided to complete that album, In The End — the last album the band will release — in her memory. 

[...]

In June 2017, O'Riordan and Hogan started emailing album ideas and demos back and forth to each other. O'Riordan had been very open about her struggles with mental health and addiction, which would affect the band at times, but they wanted to make a new album. Hogan says that when they were emailing those demos, she was in a good place. They started laying down her demos.

"All of that was kind of behind her," Hogan says. "She's kind of found a way to cope with the mental health thing. That's why she wanted to write so much. That's what she kept saying, 'I have so much to say, I just need the music to put it to.' "

Hogan says O'Riordan's apparent stability is what made her death even more tragic and devastating. (Officials ruled O'Riordan's cause of death to be accidental drowning due to alcohol intoxication.) But after a period of mourning, the remaining band members remembered they still had O'Riordan's demos. As Hogan remembers, they finally had the courage to start listening to them again in late February and, with her family's permission, started recording in April. "We spoke to her family and said, 'Look, how do you feel about us finishing the album?' And they were really supportive," Lawler says. "They were delighted, actually. They gave us their blessing."

Hogan says, in a sense, they were used to O'Riordan not being in the studio when they recorded — "Dolores hated hanging around the studio once we worked on our parts" — but, of course, this time was different.

71) Raleigh Ritchie - “Time In A Tree”

Exercise time. Play the first minute or so of this song without looking at any YouTube visuals.

/waits for you

OK, who are you picturing singing this? Got your image?

Well, whatever it was, you’re wrong -- it’s GREY WORM HIMSELF.

This was the best thing about “Game of Thrones” in 2019, sadly.

70) Culture Abuse - “Goo”

Simple, effective, gets out before you can dislike much.

69) Lil Pump f/ Lil Wayne - “Be Like Me”

Sometimes, a song starts, and you can just tell it’s going to be ignorant. Even before the vocals kick in. This was probably our moment here:

Between that and the beat, it’s like the only thing you can think is “Ohhhh, he’s about to say some horrible things about women.”

Other choice lines:

- “Yes, I’m hella ignorant, I don’t give a fuck” (he even says it in the song)

- “I take drugs like it’s Vitamin C / I’m a millionaire, but I don’t know how to read”

This song almost feels like it existed already.

68) The Get Up Kids - “Satellite”

Finally, our first rock song with some punch. This probably takes the crown from both DMB and P.O.D.

67) Bad Religion - “My Sanity”

BR is historically my favorite band, so it is rather deflating to see them so far back on this list. That said, it is Year 40 (!!!) of their existence, so some can be forgiven. Yet... we’ve never needed them more, you know? It’s this weird mixture of resentment but understanding.

66) Billy Liar - “The Righteous & The Rats”

Gonna see him (them?) open for The Bombpops in March; looks quite promising. Has an old school Brit punk feel.

65) Beach Slang - “AAA”

Beach Slang never lets you forget they love -- no, like, LOVE -- The Replacements. When this cover dropped, I googled “replacements AAA”, and, surprisingly, nothing came up.

Ohhh, what I fool I was. After more digging, I discovered a band called Grandpaboy who performed “AAA”.

“Oh, damn -- he finally went outside the box with this pick.”

No. Grandpaboy is fronted by Paul Westerberg. Singer of, you guessed it, The Replacements.

James Alex wears his heart on his sleeve so hard, he might as well give the heart a little jacket so his heart can wear its own heart on its sleeve.

HE DID THAT TOO?!

You can’t even make jokes about this band; they live in the jokes with their damn earnestness.

64) Gesaffelstein & The Weeknd - “Lost In The Fire”

Even lesser known Weeknd-involved tracks sound like they could lead a soundtrack or close out a festival. Are you familiar with this one at all? It has 87 million views on YouTube. Abel is never not not playing.

63) FIDLAR - “By Myself”

Started from the bottom and I’m still at the bottom

Falling apart never felt so carefree and burdenless.

62) Constant Elevation - “Fuck Runnin”

As hardcore punk as this list is gonna get. All glory to Vinnie Caruana. Though none of his solo tracks from 2019 made it, this has an undeniable energy and confidence. Plus probably the best song title of the year.

61) Maren Morris f/ Brandi Carlile - “Common”

A focused duet that drills into relationship dynamics before throwing a personal theology wrench in the middle of the chorus.

60) Anti-Flag - “Christian Nationalist”

AF going in on the white, religious right. This is like throwing a 50 mph pitch to -- /looks up good baseball players -- Pete Alonso.

59) Cokie The Clown - “Punk Rock Saved My Life”

This is less of a song and more of a confessional essay, and it gets harder and harder to look away with every revealing detail. If NOFX’s Fat Mike needed this character as a vehicle to get all of these autobiographical details off his chest, hopefully it’s a helpful therapy.

58) White Reaper - “Might Be Right”

“Judy French” is such an untoppable song, but “Might Be Right” has a similar dynamic.

57) Denzel Curry - “RICKY”

Denzel Curry as a rap moniker is such a slam dunk.

/looks up actual name

!!!

56) Ariana Grande - “break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored”

It takes a special kind of hot girl twisted to issue this unflinching request while totally pulling it off.

55) Goody Grace f/ blink-182 - “Scumbag”

Not sure if Goody is a Soundcloud rapper, punk rocker, or some kinda emo hybrid of both.

A few asides:

- Have we ever -- ever -- heard Travis Barker this subdued on drums?

- On the Blink-155 podcast, Goody said he gave Tom from the Plain White T’s a songwriting credit because he unintentionally lifted some melodies from “Hey There Delilah”, but... I really don’t hear it at all; like, it sounds maybe in the same key but not much else?

54) Jonas Brothers - “Sucker”

Despite their popularity in the past, I do not think I could name a single JoBros song. That changed in 2019 with this poppy, light, clappy, Maroon 5-style single.

53) Goo Goo Dolls - “Money, Fame & Fortune”

Someone -- coulda sworn it was Brendan Kelly -- said this was Goo Goo Dolls sounding like Fake Problems, and that is spot on.

52) AJJ - “A Poem”

A poem is song that no one cares about

This short, folky tune led to one of my favorite Twitter exchanges of the year, when I reached out to a music journalist with a question and AJJ came flying off the top rope.

51) DaBaby - “Suge”

This song is fun, but I really don’t get it. Beat is cool, flow is fine... this is the new face of hip-hop? His name is DaBaby! What are we doing here?!

50) Laura Stevenson - “Jesus, Etc.”

Taking a classic and doing it full justice/adding some harmonies.

49) blink-182 - “Not Another Christmas Song”

Blink’s 2019 album “Nine” was very, very bad because it tried too hard and was not good. This song, released later in the year, takes an opposite approach and actually works. We get lyrics that are discontent, even clumsy at times -- the “I miss fucking in the rain” line is so out of place/cringe-y but actually feels real and not workshopped by 10 producers. The trio can hopefully use this better b-side to figure out the best songwriting should flow out of you without having to go through multiple stations on a conveyor belt first.

48) Dave Hause - “Eye Aye I”

This song has a lot I love (catchy chorus, wistful thoughts, hairline analyses) and a lot I don’t (genuine use of the word “old bores”, Van Halen getting respect), but one thing is clear: Dave Hause is in complete control.

47) Beck - “Up All Night”

I’ve casually followed Beck’s entire career and would not have guessed this was him if given 100 chances. As an exercise, I’m going to pull up the 2020 Coachella lineup and randomly point to an artist.

/pulls up lineup and points

I got Daniel Caesar. If you told me this was Daniel Caesar, that would probably make more sense here.

46) Shawn Mendes - “If I Can’t Have You”

Randomly came into Shawn Mendes tickets in 2019, and good gracious, that was something. Other than parents, we were the oldest people there by a lot. Getting to watch thousands of teens and preteens legitimately having the best moment of their lives was downright inspiring. When you’re that young, it’s not even hyperbole. Phones were flagrantly out; I’m talking 20+ minutes of straight video being filmed. I wanted to judge so badly, but if you gave me an iPhone at my first concert when I was 14, who the hell knows how egregious my behavior would’ve been. As fun as the whole experience was, I never wanted to be in a grimy punk club more. Sometimes, leaving your comfort zone makes you appreciate your home base more.

This is a rock solid pop song, but there are way too many you/you rhymes to not penalize it some.

45) Big Thief - “Cattails”

The whitest song you will ever hear that isn’t written by Vampire Weekend.

44) Bayside - “Prayers”

Bayside went super metal with their 2019 release “Interrobang” (such a sick name). So yes, the guitars are a touch harder than you might be used to, but the chorus soars; a great hook transcends genre.

43) Naughty Boy & Mike Posner - “Live Before I Die”

Few had as interesting of a year as Mike Posner. Following a breakup, the death of his father, and the death of Avicii, he decided to walk across the United States of America. He legit became Forrest Gump, right down to the beard and grown out hair.

In the video, you can see how a snakebite hospitalized him and almost derailed the whole trek. After a rehabilitation period where he almost lost his leg, our man finally makes it to the Pacific Ocean. If nothing else, watch for the ending -- it’s exhilarating.

42) Post Malone - “Wow.”

Post is flexing in this one; we’ve got slow motion jamming with the Red Hot Chili Peppers, international flights, a dancing beard guy, and a Fall Out Boy name check which really makes them sound cooler than they are now.

41) Bryce Vine f/ YG - “La La Land”

Sometimes, these summertime Cali songs write themselves. That is until YG comes in and flips over the board before you can finish the game. By the time the Coachella reference is dropped when Bryce comes back in, you realize 1:47 may have actually been a better endpoint for the song than its 2:47 length.

40) David Rokos - “Backseat Drives”

It’s winter in Chicago, again and until forever. If you haven’t been to the Jewel in the South Loop or Marshall Field’s before they changed it, just listen to this so you don’t actually have to.

39) Simple Creatures - “Drug”

Mark Hoppus and the dude from All Time Low give us this synth-pop bop that feels like the duo shooting their shot at a real mainstream pop hits. It didn’t quite get there, but they should feel OK about where it landed.

38) Chris Cresswell - “To The Wind”

My interest in The Flatliners ramped up considerably in 2019, as their near decade old record “Cavalcade” got plenty of spins (peep “Filthy Habits”; just stunningly incredible punk). Though they did not release anything this year, their singer put out “To The Wind”, a longing song about missing someone.

37) Kesha f/ Big Freedia - “Raising Hell”

Kesha, with the help of New Orleans’ Big Freedia, gives us another one. I’ve personally dug Kesha for a while now, but when is it time for us as a society to put her into the all-time conversation for pop artists? She has at least, like, seven HOF certifiable bangers. Plus she kills a guy in this music video.

In conclusion, I think this could translate to a country song very easily.

36) No Lenox - “Marquee”

Illinois/Japan’s No Lenox are back with Reuben Baird on the mixer and legendary masterer Collin Jordan (of The Boiler Room) on the, well, master, and the fullness in sound leads to the assault that is the “I saw your name on the marquee / Your friends were milling around outside” part. They only play it once, but I really could’ve gone for closer to five.

35) Red City Radio - “Love A Liar”

Rapid fire Red City Radio gets this one done in exactly 120 seconds.

34) Barely March - “Lead Single”

This sounds like Joyce Manor turned up to a 17 out of 10 before unexpectedly turning into a hellogoodbye song.

33) New Lenox - “Old Words”

Not a typo from two songs ago -- legitimately a different band. This one was written by your boy. The first 15 seconds were from a demo recorded 1/2/16 before developing the rest in 2019 (after some encouragement). We have Dave Rokos on guitar/bass, Dave Hernandez on hums, and Brian Bedford on some very temporary sleigh bells. Themes: online dating, resolutions, exes, currents, Black Wednesday, hope, and Carly Rae Jepsen stage banter.

32) MakeWar - “Sails”

Honey, I can’t make it on my own

You might get some Gaslight Anthem vibes as the vocals come in, but by the time the song ends, MakeWar leaves their own imprint on this impassioned ballad.

31) Sheryl Crow & Johnny Cash - “Redemption Day”

Was gonna say Johnny’s voice could move mountains before realizing no, Johnny’s voice is the mountains.

30) American Football f/ Hayley Williams - “Uncomfortably Numb”

Sensitivity deprived I can't feel a thing inside I blamed my father in my youth Now as a father, I blame the booze

An unlikely collaboration that makes you forget about its unlikeliness by the two minute mark. The two voices trade spots, mesh, harmonize, and weave throughout this beautiful song.

Asides:

- Blake from “Workaholics” in the video?!

- Choose to interpret this song’s title as a Pink Floyd diss

- “I’ll make new friends in the ambulance” should be a 2005-level emo lyric that we all mock, yet it’s somehow one of the most stunningly appropriate closers of the entire year

- I wish my friend Luke was with us to hear it

29) Stuck Out Here - “Embarrass You”

Stuck Out Here got onto my radar with 2014′s amazingly named “Getting Used To Feeling Like Shit”. Five years later, they’re back -- and not feeling much better. The Toronto quartet’s Bandcamp describes the song like this:

They’re fucking up, but unlike previous releases, they’re finally holding themselves accountable. 

You can even kinda hear their Canadian accents in the “I’m sorry I embarrass you...” part.

28) The Weeknd - “Heartless”

The Weeknd will be on these lists as long as he continues to make music even 1/8th as good as this.

27) The Chainsmokers f/ blink-182 - “P.S. I Hope You’re Happy”

A simple song that’s a touch more clever than you first realize. The Chainsmokers guy is giving me some real Owl City vibes. Also, how airtight of an apology is the line “I blame myself for when I was someone else”. It’s like the modern way of saying “When I was a child, I spoke like a child”. 

Also also, the “I will find a way somehow...” harmony in the pre-chorus is as pretty as music got in 2019. The Chainsmokers are so sonically pleasing, whether you end up liking the music or not.

26) Vampire Weekend - “Harmony Hall”

ooooooooh, that crisp guitar in the intro

25) Alex Lahey - “Don’t Be So Hard On Yourself”

If Carly Rae Jepsen can get a sword, why can’t Alex Lahey get a god damn saxophone? HIT ME.

That solo, combined with the “Mighty Ducks” reference in the chorus, make this song untouchable.

24) Lizzo - “Truth Hurts”

Let’s be clear: this did drop in 2017 but was technically re-released in 2019, so it does qualify for our list despite the criteria threatening timeline. Anyway.

The walking piano part, the iconic intro line (with a lawsuit!), the Minnesota Vikings reference (causing a Green Bay radio edit), and all of the damn positivity. Lizzo was among music’s big winners this year, and her success made you wonder how the hell someone this talented was slept on for those two years.

Let’s end with the purse.

23) An Horse - “Ship Of Fools”

Awkward band name, but a song that makes you pay attention. Kinda like Tegan and Sara, had they stayed more rock. So much urgency in the vocals and lyrics.

22) Charli XCX f/ Lizzo - “Blame It On Your Love”

Trippy vid; Charli continues to give us anthems. Wasn’t super high on the Lizzo cameo, but it somehow made more sense in the context of said video.

21) Sincere Engineer - “Dragged Across The Finish Line”

Sincere Engineer is back -- you can tell from the second those guitar leads get goin’. Drums from 1:19 to 1:36 = /heart eyes emoji. My buddy Cox said his next tattoo very well could be the outro lyric “Too dumb to succeed, too honest to cheat”.

(Bonus fact: they did a beer collaboration/show with Pollyanna Brewing Company in 2019.)

20) Lil Nas X - “Old Town Road”

Was unwilling to listen when this first dropped solely because of how horrible Lil Nas X’s name is (”What if a rapper came out named ‘Lil Jay-Z X’?!”)... what a foolish notion. One billion streams and a Billy Cyrus cameo later, I wouldn’t have been able to miss out on the Song of the Summer (and year) if I tried. More notes:

- Picked this because I had to, but “Panini” is legit good (200+ million streams)

- Went with the original (sorry, Billy), which is a beautiful 1:53 long (brevity, brevity, brevity)

- Did you know: Lil Nas X uses a Nine Inch Nails sample on the beat? This Rolling Stone interview with Trent Reznor is super interesting

Reznor calls “Old Town Road” “undeniably hooky,” but once it exploded, he took a back seat to the phenomenon. “The reason I haven’t stepped in to comment anything about it is, I don’t feel it’s my place to play any kind of social critic to that,” he says. “It was a material that was used in a significant way and it turned into something that became something else, and those guys should be the ones the spotlight is on…. They asked if I wanted to do a cameo in the video, and it was flattering, and I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but I don’t feel like it’s my place to shine a light on me for that. I say that with complete respect.”

Still, Reznor is amazed at how the song became a juggernaut. “Having been listed on the credits of the all-time, Number One whatever-the-fuck-it-is wasn’t something…I didn’t see that one coming,” he says. “But the world is full of weird things that happen like that. It’s flattering. But I don’t feel it’s for me to step in there and pat myself on the back for that.”

19) Gryffin & Carly Rae Jepsen - “OMG”

What doesn’t this little bop have? It’s kinda Chainsmoker-y and tingles like cool breath hitting the back of your neck.

18) Craig Finn - “Blankets”

You travel your whole life just to get out to the place you’re gonna die

I love everything about this song: the artwork, the intro, the climax, the command Craig Finn has from start to finish -- with such a payoff. Now several albums in, the greatest compliment we can give is that his solo stuff now feels more essential than Hold Steady releases*. You can even hear it in this line: “When we got to the Twin Cities / I said ‘Man, I know some songs about this place’”. Another life.

17) Carly Rae Jepsen - “Now That I Found You”

Carly always keeps us in the sky; picking one song was difficult because the album is even more fulfilling as you get to put the pieces together.

16) Billie Eilish - “Bad Guy”

Different genres*, but Billie Eilish lived up to her hype in the exact same way Lana Del Rey did in the earlier part of the decade. Lana said she was the gangster Nancy Sinatra and totally fucking was. Billie feels like something potentially even bigger. Nearly everything about her aura lets you project (or even second guess, if you’re a skeptic). Is she dead-eyed because she’s high or disaffected? Or just Aubrey Plaza? Is it her or her brother that’s pulling the strings? How can someone so young be so good already? In the skinny fashion era of All Achilles Everything, how is she rocking such loose fits?

“I never want the world to know everything about me. I mean that’s why I wear big baggy clothes,” she said. “Nobody can have an opinion because they haven’t seen what’s underneath.”

“Nobody can be like ‘Oh, she’s slim-thick, she’s not slim-thick, she’s got a flat ass, she’s got a fat ass,’” she continued. “No one can say any of that because they don’t know.”

It almost seems too easy, but how much sense does that make to you?

Great jokes aside, I have so much anticipation for what’s next, with assured belief in its potential. Pitchfork: 

In 10 years, she will still be well under 30. Let’s hope the planet survives that long.

Yes.

(* - though not totally)

15) Ben Gibbard - “Filler”

Before you check Gibbard’s, please listen to the original by Minor Threat. That’s what he had to work with. From there, a total transformation while doing the near impossible -- keeping its beating heart.

14) Martha - “Wrestlemania VIII”

Third favorite song title of the year/favorite music video of the year. This is energetic, bratty punk at its finest; also surprised to find out it was British, but, based on the upcoming tour dates and YouTube description...

This is a silly & frankly quite rubbish video but when you are a band trapped within surveillance capitalism's endless hunger for content trying to promote a tour sometimes things will be a silly & frankly quite rubbish. 

I love them. Seriously didn’t even notice the accents in the singing until I knew to look for them; now, it’s all I can hear. Also, the part in the video where they finally show someone with an instrument, only he stops playing guitar halfway into the solo (/crying emoji).

THEY SAY ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDA

13) Chance The Rapper f/ Ben Gibbard - “Do You Remember”

Chance The Rapper dropped a one hour and 17 minute album in 2019 because he is a monster. I could not name three songs on it, but this one stood out big. It’s Chano doing what he does best: reminiscing and evoking summer in his city. Gibbard on the hook gives it that 2005 nostalgia while also making you say “Damn, it’s been nearly 15 years since 2005?!”

Fav two lines:

1) “Used to have obsession with the ‘27 Club’ / Now I'm turning 27, wanna make it to the 2070 club / Put the 27's down, Lord, give me a clean lung / Took the ring up out the box, I know this ain't no brief love”

2) “That summer left a couple tan lines / I love my city, they let me cut the line on the Dan Ryan”

(If you know, you know.)

Two more asides:

- If you Google “death cab for cutie”, the next autofill from there is “do you remember”. Rough for the legacy.

- “My daughter on the swing like the 2017 Cubs” is a line that confused me, but here’s how Genius explained it:

Chance is talking about a memorable summer and the things that made him happy. This line continues that theme when he raps about his daughter happily on a swing and how that’s similar to the 2017 Cubs. The Chicago Cubs won the World Series in 2016; therefore, the 2017 season was one of celebration and relaxation as the pressure of the 108 year drought was over. 

12) Lana Del Rey - “The Greatest”

I miss Long Beach, and I miss you...

Listening to this song feels like watching the cement dry on a classic in real time. Lana Del Rey’s galactic “Norman Fucking Rockwell!” dominated lists at the end of 2019, and she -- to borrow her word -- fucking deserved it.

- The Beach Boys line is so god damn perfect

- The guitar solo (soooo sick)

- The breathy singing; the crooning; the notes that go up and then down until you’re surrounded by melody

- The perfection of this album name (minus the very iffy exclamation point) will have me comparing nearly any other all-time album title for probably the rest of our lives 

- Tried playing this album during my Monday night pickup basketball run, and it very much failed... but that’s about the only thing it couldn’t do

- I’m told the dude with her on the album cover is Jack Nicholson’s grandson (named Duke Nicholson, because of course)

11) Off With Their Heads - “No Love”

If you do not like punk rock, this will be unlistenable. If you do, what a treat! I love how dissatisfied and put off he sounds, and, while there are a few more lively songs remaining on the list, none in 2019 got fast-tracked to my workout/pump up playlist at this speed.

Factoring in the band’s van accident (occurred after the release of this song), the “There’s nothing I could say that’s ever gonna make it right” outro becomes hauntingly clairvoyant.

10) Drake f/ Rick Ross - “Money In The Grave”

We need to face facts: it was a down year for stadium hip-hop. Nowhere on this list do you see Jay, Em, Kendrick, or Kanye (rest in peace). This was my favorite rap song of the year, and it couldn’t even crack the Top 5. Similar to his beloved Raptors -- who are being celebrated here -- it’s almost as if Drake needed some injuries outside his own locker room to get the crown. But I’m done being bummed, let’s focus on the good:

- Ohhhh, the intro (”I mean where. the fuck. should I. really even start?”)

- The way he says “grave” in the hook like he can barely contain 

- The hook itself -- read it out loud: “When I die, put my money in the grave”

- How cool Ross sounds when he breaks in

- The Zion reference

The bad:

- Rarely take this angle, but really wouldn’t mind if it were longer

- Misogyny

9) PUP - “Bloody Mary, Kate And Ashley”

Second favorite song title of the year, 6/8 time signature, satanic references, drugs, hallucinations (maybe), and, yes, the Olsen twins.

8) Better Oblivion Community Center - “Sleepwalkin’”

“It’s impossible to count...”

The intro, as the tempo gets jarringly slower and slower, ironically helps you acclimate quicker. This Phoebe Bridgers/Conor Oberst collab was my No. 1 played track of 2019 (the album coming out in January definitely helped). The song builds to Phoebe’s solo part:

You like beer and chocolate I like setting off those bottle rockets We can never compromise But fighting 'til the death keeps us alive

It’s sung so well, you can almost feel the heat of the spotlight on her through the stereo. The lyrics could be anything.

The chill guitar solo takes us out.

7) AM Taxi - “Saint Jane”

Adam Krier is such a rockstar, he had me shouting “I’m no hero, at best a zero!” within my fifth listen -- and I was skeptical as hell when I first heard the line. But that’s about where it stopped. You can tell this song is going to rip even before the vocals come in. When they do (”These fears don’t die, you get older and they multiply”), it’s just fucking time to go.

6) Taylor Swift - “Paper Rings”

My favorite pop song of 2019. Tay is firing on all cylinders; every lyric is exactly where it’s supposed to be; boppy and fun and sincere (while still being light-hearted). Still holding out minor hope it will be a single in 2020.

5) Pkew Pkew Pkew - “The Polynesian”

I’ve always said the best songs make you want to live the lyrics, whether they are positive or negative. This one had me researching “polynesian wisconsin” faster than I’m comfortable disclosing. And yes “bed bugs” and “needles” were both in the Top 7 recommended searches after those first two words.

Pkew Pkew Pkew collaborated with Craig Finn on some of their lyrics on 2019′s “Optimal Lifestyles”, and I’d be blown away if he doesn’t have fingerprints on this one -- the storytelling is pristine. Go into this open-minded, and I’d be shocked if you weren’t shouting the “Goatees, tall cans, camo pants, and Packers fans” mantra by the end.

Bonus story: this St. Patrick’s day in Chicago, I asked my friend Sara (Wisconsin native) if she’d ever stayed there, and she held up her elbow and showed me a scar from the hotel’s water slide. Your boy was over the moon.

4) Spanish Love Songs - “Losers”

It gets harder, doesn’t it?

Dylan Slocum has a way of not just writing depressing songs -- many lyricists are good at that -- but specifically depressing songs. This song contemplates death, homelessness, squandering your limited time on the planet, credit card debt, leeching off your parents because you have no other choice, crippling illness, and completely giving up because there genuinely is no other choice. The last lines are, without any hint of winking, “We’re mediocre. We’re losers. Forever.”

It’s wonderful.

Two straight Top 4 finishes for SLS; their 2020 album should be something special.

3) oso oso - “the view”

If Jade Lilitri is making personal progress in “microscopic strides”, you wouldn’t be able to tell by his songwriting. Every tune has a way of warming up your entire body and being. This grabs you, whether it’s the laid back guitar or the mismatched quick drums or the big ass chorus. While it came down to this one or “basking in the glow” (an actual single), the bridge here puts us over the top:

But not as much as the phone ringing Not as much playing my house Not as much as the way her goddamn voice sounds It's like taking in sun And then taking it back I fall into old habits I'm stepping over your cracks again

Her voice? This song.

2) The Menzingers - “Strangers Forever”

This song makes me want to rip up walls, sprint through streets with no destination, shred my lungs screaming off rooftops, bash hands drumming the steering wheel until my sprained fingers beg me to stop. It is such a perfect encapsulation of my favorite band of the decade and possibly of all-time.

Scranton’s sons gave me everything and more from 2010 through 2019, so it’s fitting they end so high here. This is probably the most clownable sentence of them all, but I am so constantly thankful I am alive to experience Greg Barnett’s songwriting. What he creates, I can only compare to the best books or movies or athletes or even personal relationships.

The way the guitar alternates in the headphones to start, the drums that go big and push the song along, the reverb vox that certainly could have less reverb, the “it is what it is”-style lyric of “My miserable memory’s making me more miserable”, the oceanic imagery, the quiet bridge that explodes into a final chorus. Barnett said the overall theme was inspired by Leo Tolstoy’s “Anna Karenina”.

In it, the character Darya Alexandrovna learns of her husbands infidelity and declares: “Even if we remain in the same house, we are strangers — strangers forever!” The idea of becoming a stranger to someone you so intimately know stuck with me, and became the overarching narrative to this song. Dolly’s statement is definitive, but she also realizes the trappings of 19th century patriarchal Russian society. It’s a complex conundrum, and while lyrically I speak in the first person, this song exists in a world outside of my own personal experiences. I wanted to write about the finality of relationships that need to end this way. Strangers Forever. 

My only gripe is I wish there were more. But I’m the same person who never wants them to stop.

1) Signals Midwest f/ Sincere Engineer - “Your New Old Apartment”

Only one song could make me fear missing the chance to be with the love of my life the same year I married her. As discussed in “The Polynesian”, the best songs have the consistent ability to put you in someone else’s shoes. You are either reliving something you personally experienced or maybe taking it all in for the first time. And that can be powerful -- especially dealing with anything big picture.

“Your New Old Apartment” launches me into 2009 without ever asking. Age: 23. My life was transient, I had no career, I didn’t even believe in marriage. I left my retail job in the Chicago suburbs for an unpaid newspaper internship in New Jersey. When I saw the people I loved, I always tried to make it count. Still do.

The descriptors and feeling are suffocating, right from the jump:

I only saw you a couple times last year Once at a wedding, once at a funeral I wore the same clothes to both, and I was worried you would notice ‘cause yours were impeccable

That’s me, then. Not knowing how to dress but hoping to get by anyway. I remember talking to my buddy P before buying my “work clothes” and learning you needed to match your shoes with your belt. Boyish adulthood.

The song continues, and the narrator is filled in on 5-year plans. It may be cliche to speak, but every current moment is simultaneously your youngest and oldest. Being in my early 30s now, it is so easy to scoff at anyone’s best laid plans, but I’m also the same cat who thought The Wonder Years’ “Jesus Christ, I’m 26 / All the people I graduated with / All have kids, all have wives, all have people who care if they come home at night” was life-defining, because I was the same age when that dropped, and it always hits the hardest when it’s all around you.

What I love about these lyrics are the careful observation mixed with mature-behind-his-years restraint. For a very long time in my life, I did not think I would get to be with my wife as anything more than a friend. When you are forced to come to terms with those potential realities, you must make concessions and convince yourself they’re OK. So when it’s revealed the narrator’s muse is married, he resigns himself to hopefully seeing the person more and at least being adjacent to the life they are living. It is tragic but still something. It is alternate hope in the hopeless.

I can picture myself listening to this song that wasn’t yet written while leaving a 2009 or 2010 or 2013 wedding and wishing I told her everything. But I wouldn’t have -- not then. I would have poured my heart out into a diary and quoted a line or three from this at the bottom. But that was then, this is now. 

In 2019, her new old apartment will be my new old apartment, and that will never be lost on me.

* * *

Bonus coverage. Since we are at the end of the decade, I rounded up our No. 1 song from each year and have that below:

2010: The Menzingers - “Time Tables” 2011: Jay-Z & Kanye West - “Gotta Have It” 2012: Carly Rae Jepsen - “Call Me Maybe” 2013: Kanye West - “On Sight” 2014: The Menzingers - “Where Your Heartache Exists” 2015: Big Sean f/ Kanye West - “All Your Fault” 2016: The Menzingers - “Lookers” 2017: The Menzingers - “After The Party” 2018: Horror Squad - “I Smoke The Blood” 2019: Signals Midwest f/ Sincere Engineer - “Your New Old Apartment”

* * *

It’s time to stop writing. Thank you so much for reading.

Spotify playlist is here, featuring 70 of the 75.

[rememberthattime]

Chapter 43. New Zealand

What a phenomenal run to get to this point. 3 out of 4 posts done -- how’d we get here, you ask: First, “The Fellowship” of my family’s visit down unda. Next, “An Unexpected Journey” to London & Paris. Finally, “The Return” to Hawaii, celebrating Christmas on the North Shore. 

Now, to wrap up this four-part marathon, the epic conclusion to our holiday story: Middle Earth.

This post was always going to have heavy Lord of the Rings references. I get especially excited when I can tie movies or TV shows in my writing: Ireland & Star Wars, Croatia & Game of Thrones, Iceland and… space. New Zealand will be no different, as the landscape is intimately associated with the six-part series filmed in its undulating fjords, lush green meadows, snow-capped peaks, brooding basins, and turbulent climate.

Thank Gandalf, Chelsay & I had a day in Sydney between Hawaii and New Zealand. I hadn’t been home for 20 days, and desperately needed to switch my London/Hawaii clothes for more Kiwi-appropriate adventures. Not only was laundry a big benefit, but Chelsay and I were also able to wrap up the Hobbit & LotR trilogies. I just looked up the run times – in total, the six-part series takes 19 hours to watch. Jesus…

After arriving in Christchurch, Day 1 of our journey through Middle Earth would take us past Mt Cook to the South, into the lakeside village of Wanaka. It was a five hour ride, but Chelsay put together a killer playlist from the best Kiwi artists: Lorde, Flight of the Conchords, the LotR soundtrack. That’s about all the best Kiwi artists. We also had a sunny day, extremely rare in New Zealand’s turbulent climate, so our trip included frequent stops admiring the teal blue waters of Lake Pukaki and Mt Cook’s shy peak.

I say shy because one does not simply “see” Mt Cook’s peak – it’s so high that the top is normally covered in clouds. To exhibit how rare it is to see an unobstructed Mt Cook, I’ll share a small anecdote from my parents’ NZ trip. They stayed at the base of Mt Cook, and were similarly lucky to see the top from their table at dinner. At the next table over, a woman shed a tear as she gazed out at the mountain’s snow-capped peak. I’m not sure why this prompted a conversation, but my parents talked with her and learned that this Kiwi woman had visited Mt Cook six times and that night was the FIRST time she’d gotten to see the peak! I’m not sure how much of this comes down to bad luck or poorly planned timing for her visits, but contrary to Frodo’s acting, Kiwi’s are not a dramatic people... The fact that she cried at this sight gives you an idea of how lucky we were to see Mt Cook on our first day.

It was similarly tame weather when we arrived in Wanaka, which meant it was a perfect day to climb Roy’s Peak. Now, all I’d really read about Roy’s Peak was that it was a five hour round trip. I knew it had immaculate views, and given it was five hours, assumed it would be a long climb. (I later found that it’s 10 miles!) Ill-informed but blissfully ignorant, we hit the trail and immediately experienced the slope. This was pretty steep… Maybe just at the base but then it evens out?

Nope, it was steep the whole way up. We brought two, full, bigger water bottles, but had finished them within an hour… and this was supposed to be a five-hour trip! So many similarities with the Quiraing in Isle of Skye. First, the scenery: heath-filled slopes, gusting gales, and wild waters beyond. Second, the sheep: bahhh. Third, we were again woefully underprepared in terms of water. (Fourth, my solution to the limited water was filling up my bottle in a mountain stream. Fifth, #4 was risky both times, but I have a stomach of steel).

We weren’t-not making it to the top though. We’re taking these Hobbits to Isengard, if you will. We pushed all the way to the peak, and the epic views were absolutely worth it. From a mile up, the surrounding mountains and fjords were dwarfed. In the distance, Mordor loomed over The Shire. 

Battling the decline, the descent took a while, but we still finished the hike in 4 hours (20% faster than average). Not bad given we were water-less for the last 3 hours.

The next day, Chelsay & I grabbed coffees in Wanaka and stopped at the Cadrona Hotel for a bigger breakfast (like hobbits, we know about second breakfast). We needed a full base for this day’s activity: Queenstown’s human catapult.

For some reason, Chelsay had pegged this activity almost immediately after we booked our flights to NZ. She’s never been interested in bungee jumping, but I think the novelty of a catapult got her. This Queenstown Catapult is the world’s first and only of its kind, opened just a couple months before our trip. Rather than bungee jumping where you go straight down, the catapult works like a slingshot, launching you forward 500 feet, reaching 60+ mph in 1.5 seconds , and pulling 3Gs of force ... For reference, an average human can blackout at 4Gs.

Chelsay and I arrived and were the only ones that had signed up for the catapult. Apparently most people weren’t trying to blackout. We walked down a suspended bridge on the way to the platform… you know, the platform that they hurl you off… The platform staff were very strategic in their conversation, trying to distract us from the heights as we were strapped into the harness. “Where are you from?” “What have you done so far in NZ?” “Did you have a good life?”

For chivalry reasons, I let Chelsay go first. She really didn’t show any fear as they fastened her harness to the catapult and asked her to step out onto the ledge. It was only once the catapult pulled her flat that you could see a bit of distress – she was now staring straight down at a 250 ft drop to the canyon base. It isn’t really terror, but you can see her anxiety: just look at how straight her arms and hands were.

Then, literally in the blink of an eye, a *high-pitched* “WWAAAAHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” – she was already 500 feet away from me, leaving nothing but a trailing scream as she flew across the canyon. My leg started to involuntarily shake from nerves.

After her initial launch, she reached the end of the line and experienced some big counter “bounces”. It’s like a really extreme Tower of Terror – there’s the first big drop, and you think you’re done and it’s okay. Then surprise, there’s another drop no one told you about and it completely flips your stomach. After a few of these bounces, Chelsay finally came to a still position and the staff pulled her back to the platform. She came back with a look in her eye. It was certainly a joyous look, but there was something kind of crazy there too. …She might have pooped herself.

That was a joke (because we were told we had to use the bathroom before doing the catapult).

I was next up, leg still involuntarily trembling. They laced my harness onto the catapult, then asked me to step onto the ledge… Great idea with my leg visibly unsteady. Probably from Chelsay’s scream, a crowd started to form on the catapult platform. Thank Gandalf they made us go to the bathroom, or this could end up as a grim memory for everyone involved.

In the background of my video, you can hear a woman from Northern England. It’s truly A+ color commentary. Better than Colinsworth, Aikman, or even Romo. In her heavy Northern accent: “Oh m’guwd – No! Wudn’t do that!”

I think the staff gave me some pointers or told me what was going to happen next, but I wasn’t listening. (Dude, shutup, I’m standing with half my foot dangling over a 250 ft ledge). He probably told me the catapult was going to pull me flat, but you can tell I hadn’t listened from my desperate arm flail to grab onto something. Good to see those survival instincts still work.  

I was now parallel to the ground, staring directly down at the base of the canyon. Maybe there was a countdown to launch? I don’t know, I wasn’t paying attention to anything but how high I was off the ground.

In a split second, I heard a mechanical release and then a WOOSH! Everything was moving SO fast. 0-60 mph in 1.5 seconds! I had the GoPro to film my face, but I wish I had one to film my view. Staring down at the canyon below, it didn’t feel like I was the one moving – it felt like everything around me (the canyon base, the trees, the river, the wind) was moving past me REALLY fast. Like Earth had a random “Matt”-shiver and rotated much faster for one second. In the background of Chelsay’s video, our Northern English colour commentator yelled, “Oh, SHIT!”

After the initial rush, and like Chelsay, I also experienced the Tower of Terror counter bounces – you can see my surprise as I flail my arm to grab the harness. Again, great survival instincts. This was an absolute rush – one of the most unique (and certainly the highest adrenaline) activities I’ve ever done. Although it only lasted a few seconds, the buzz sticks with you for days.  Chelsay and I were giggling like Frodo and the other hobbits at the end of LotR.

I think the catapult or adrenalin or our flipped stomachs must have triggered our appetite, because the only way we could follow our flight was with a massive burger. Chelsay and I braved the world-famous Fergburger’s 30-minute queue to grab two burgers, onion rings, and fries, and took our feast to a lakeside picnic bench with views of the surrounding Remarkables range.

We spent that night in Te Anau, having scheduled a crowd-avoiding early morning cruise through Milford Sound the next day. Small aside: in the months leading up to NZ, overtourism on the South Island was a major concern of mine. NZ now gets 4 million visitors per year (the entire population is only 4.5 million!), with a large portion of tourists coming over the holidays. Chelsay and I were visiting in peak season, so like Bali, we had to be very strategic in how we avoided crowds. Through decisions like the early Milford Sound cruise, overtourism turned out to be a non-issue for us. Despite being (or possibly because it was) an early concern, Chelsay and I didn’t have a single experience where we felt crowded. Well, except Fergburger.

Anyway, back to Milford Sound. The morning drive from Te Anau to Milford was beautiful. It rains almost constantly here, so it’s more of a mysterious, brooding beauty, but beautiful nonetheless. This drive is supposed to be tough given one-lane roads and tourist traffic, but again, because of our planning, we enjoyed unobstructed views of rushing waterfalls instead of the back of a tour bus.

We arrived at the Sound in a wet foggy blanket. I was a little concerned that we wouldn’t be able to see anything on the cruise, but our last two days had already been shockingly sunny. The odds were against three straight. Plus, if you don’t get rained out of an activity, did you even really go to NZ?

We came well-prepared with ponchos, umbrellas, waterproof boots… and coffee. The weather therefore didn’t impact our seat choice on the cruise: we were sitting outside no matter what. Given the time of the cruise, we were the only ones on the back of the boat. The wind was whipping, our ponchos cracking in the breeze, and the occasional gust would slap Chelsay and I with rain, but thanks to our rainproof planning, we stayed mostly dry.

The boat pulled out from the dock and journeyed into the foggy abyss. Mitre Peak, which is Milford’s most famous slope, was entirely hidden by the clouds.

Once we got past Mitre though, the setting became clearer. There was a mysterious feel to the fjords, with mile-high peaks briefly appearing and then disappearing behind fast-moving fog. Dozens of waterfalls plummeted down the steep slopes, as bursting gales guided the frigid South Tasman Sea into the Sound. It felt like sinister Smeagol might be prowling the mountainside, veiled in the shadows as he suspiciously stalked our visiting vessel.  (What a description). To give you an idea of scale, that’s a boat in the third picture!

On a less brooding note, we also saw some furry seals chilling under the waterfalls.

After our cruise, the boat returned to the dock and Chelsay & I warmed up with beef pies and soup. We knew we’d be going on a hike next, either Lake Marian or preferably Gertrude Saddle, so needed to build up our energy.

Now, about the hike options. Lake Marian is a cool walk, an alpine path gradually leading to a larger elevated lake. Gertrude Saddle is dope though. Incredible views of the Gertrude Valley, the trail crosses a waterfall and passes an eerie, small black lake, requiring steel cables to assist in the vertical ascent. The Gertrude “tramp” is classified in NZ’s hardest category, Expert, and the trail site describes the hike as being suitable for “People with high level backcountry (remote areas) skills and experience, navigation and survival skills required. Complete self sufficiency required.” …So me & Chels. Adding to the apprehension, the route is difficult to distinguish, and missing a marker has proved fatal. Gerty herself has been the heart of controversy, after two deaths called into question NZ’s obligation to maintain and more exhaustively mark these previously wild tracks.

I’d done exhaustive research on the routes and still wanted to do Gertrude Saddle, but the trail is challenging enough when dry. Eating our pies in torrential Milford, it didn’t seem remotely possible that we’d be able hike it. The park ranger reiterated our concern (Ranger: “Yeah, nah, yeah mate, don’t do it” – Me: “What?”), so we set out for Lake Marian. Gerty IS on the way though, and I couldn’t understand that park ranger to save my life, so maybe we’ll just stop by?

As we drove away from Milford, the rain subsided. The worst weather had clearly been caught in the fjords. As light grey clouds began to replace the heavy fog, we pulled off into Gertrude Valley with a sliver of hope. Correction, I pulled in with a sliver of hope. Chelsay was still very skeptical. The trek starts with a hike through the Valley, arriving at the base of climb. I convinced Chelsay to at least walk to that point, where we could evaluate whether it was safe enough to continue. If we were uncomfortable at all, I’d happily turn around… I’d rather test out Gerty and not end up climbing than embark on the less exciting Lake Marian, but it wasn’t like I’d leave her and try it myself. Gandalf said: “Don’t you leave ‘em Samwise Gamgee.”

We set off through the colourful Gertrude Valley, stomping through babbling streams in our waterproof boots, crouching through dense beech forests, tramping through waist-high heather, and taking in the steep enveloping slopes and waterfalls. We arrived at the base of the climb, looking up at the powerful waterfalls cutting through the snow still settled on the mountainside. Far above, we could see a few unnatural colors zig-zagging up the hill. Pink and highlighter yellow. These were other hikers! It now hadn’t rained in over an hour and the grey skies were only getting light. If these other hikers could make it up there, why couldn’t Chelsay and I?

We started the climb, which wasn’t as physically exhausting as Roy’s Peak, but was far more mentally tolling. We were focused and careful with every single step. Every foot placement. Every ounce of weight that we placed down. Any rock that we relied on. Always. Always. Slow. And. Careful. 

We eventually made it to the river crossing, which was just 15m from a waterfall edge. Hmm. It wasn’t obvious which rocks to use. I’d start down one path, but it would fall just short. I tried another, but this one stopped about 5 ft short. I think we need to jump? This was a fairly long ordeal, but we ended up making a short leap from the last rock to the other side of the stream. Challenge 1: conquered.

The next challenge wasn’t much further: ascending a set of slick bluffs using a steel cable bolted into the boulders. Oh, and the climb is only about 5 feet from a rushing waterfall. We gripped the cable tightly as we carefully made our way over the cliff’s edge.

Now at the top, we’d reached the waterfall’s source: a mysterious, small black lake hidden just beneath the clouds. This was the biggest reason I wanted to hike Gerty, and the exact view I’d hoped to find. When we were first planning NZ, I’d looked into visiting Lake Quill in the Fiordland. I’d seen it in the Prometheus movie series, but the only way to access was either a several day hike on the Milford Track or by custom helicopter flights… which was $1,000/person. It was so lucky to come across the same feel with Gertrude Saddle, and even luckier that we caught a day where it was remotely possible to make it up to the black lake. 

The hike continues a bit further, but we already bumping up into the clouds. Any higher views would have been blanketed in fog. Chelsay & I hung around the black lake and rehydrated (we brought enough water this time), before descending the same path we’d come up. In some ways, the hike down was harder than the ascent. First, it’s less stable to place your weight below you as you descend, as opposed to above you and leaning into the mountain while ascending. Second, and more plainly, we were tired. We were still extremely careful as we made our way down the slick boulders and across the waterfall, eventually arriving at the car after 4.5 hours (and just 4.5 miles return). I think that trip time, especially relative to Roy’s Peak (10 very steep miles in 4 hrs), exhibits how mentally taxing each step was on this hike.

We returned to Queenstown and our favourite AirBnB of the trip, where our suite looked out over Lake Wakatipu and the Remarkables (and our host made chocolate chip cookies). We’d also picked up takeaway Indian from a place my parents recommended, Taj. Holy shit. It was so good. “Messy” black dal mixed with jasmine rice, some spicy Murg Chettinad (South Indian chicken), a coke and The Hobbit on the side. It was bliss after a water-logged Milford Sound and tolling Gerty Saddle.

How could we possibly follow this day, one of our best ever? Hmm we really didn’t try actually. We slept so hard that night, and woke up extremely slow the next day. It was New Year’s Eve, but our only plans for the day were dinner reservations in Wanaka. With another big day of hiking still to come (Mueller Hut in Mt Cook), Chelsay and I decided to take it easy as we made our way out of Queenstown.

I did some “live” research that morning on quiet things to do around Queenstown, and the options are surprisingly limited in this adrenaline junky town. That said, I found most of the LotR & Hobbit (and Wolverine, and the Chronicles of Narnia) filming locations were right outside Queenstown, in nearby Glenorchy and Paradise. Having just finished the series, the sets were still fresh in our minds so we decided to visit Middle Earth.  

First of all, the road from Queenstown to Glenorchy is jaw-dropping. Look at this damn view!

The picturesque settings continued driving through Glenorchy. I’ll let the pictures do most of the talking here (especially because I’m on Post #4 in a holiday series that’s nearly rivalled the length of my wedding post). I’ll just write that I want to remember the vibrant and contrasting colours, fording through several small streams, and the dramatic juxtaposition of the green, cow-filled pastures nestled below towering plateaus. This was literally Isengard.

After a few hours in Middle Earth, we began our two hour journey up to Wanaka, passing “that” lonely tree along the way. I mentioned our NYE dinner was at an Italian place – no better way to ring in the New Year. Francesca was the top-rated restaurant in Wanaka, and despite making the reservation several days before, the only table available was at 5:00.

We’d have to last quite a while to make it to midnight, but the meal was phenomenal. Chelsay and I got three pasta dishes… and it wasn’t like this was a tapas-style restaurant. Asparagus carbonara, beef gnocchi, and tortellini ragu, all washed down with carafes of sauv blanc & shiraz. Mmmm.

Even only a few days into the trip, Chelsay and I were really tired at this point. We were also a little tipsy. This meal could be considered “loopy”, as we couldn’t stop giggling, similar to past “loopy” meals in Innsbruck and Western Australia. On this occassion, we thought we were being pretty smooth with our jokes to the waiter, but his responses suggested maybe our delivery was impaired. (“Ok… cool guys… Well… Have a good night…” *polite smile*)

Afterwards, we tried to sober up a bit by placing our feet in the chilly Lake Wanaka. Midnight was a long way off and we needed a perk. We also grabbed sorbet from Patagonia Ice Cream, which we definitely didn’t need, before heading back to the hotel to regroup. As I was drinking a coffee at 9:00 PM, I started thinking about our next two days, the last of our trip. We were heading to Mt Cook, and I’d planned one big hike (Mueller Hut, which was probably bigger than either Gerty or Roy’s Peak), then a few smaller options. Initially, I planned to use New Year’s Day to drive from Wanaka to Mt Cook and do a few smaller walks, then use our last day for the bigger trek. I checked the weather to confirm, and although the conditions can change dramatically, 1/1 actually looked like a far safer bet for Mueller. With a longer hike, we’d need to leave earlier though, which meant we’d need to get to bed earlier. Again, I was drinking coffee at 9:00 PM on New Year’s Eve, but an audible was the right call. I managed to knock myself out by 11:00 PM.

Alright, the next morning. “It’s New Year’s Day here in … Wanaka” (Charlie Robison song reference). “Robert” Mueller Hut day. An early start and beautiful drive into Mt Cook. The peak was out, another lucky day, just as the weather forecast prescribed. There were inbound sheets of clouds, but we’d already gotten to see ol’ Aoraki’s peak twice now. No worries.

We set off at the base of Mt Cook, heading up the adjacent Sealy Range. Now, I’d done some reading on Mueller, and I knew it would be a tough climb. The trek begins with a 2000 step up the Sealy Tarns stairs. It’s literally a staircase… and not like one of those gradual European staircases. These were the type of stairs that are higher than they are deep.

This was hard climb, and I was sweaty. But I also didn’t want to stop because I knew that Chelsay and I would be the quickest up the mountain. If we let someone pass, we’d inevitably just be stuck behind them 2 minutes later. I was like Gandalf on the way up: “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”

After a gruelling, knee-shaking, butt-burning climb, we made it to the top of Sealy Tarns. DOPE views of Mt Cook and the Tasman Delta abound.

That said, the weather was starting to turn. At elevation, it was cold, and Chelsay and I didn’t have gloves or hoods. …At least Chelsay had a shirt that she wrapped around her head. The clouds had also enveloped us by now, so it was raining pretty hard. Luckily, we still had our ponchos from Milford Sound, and looked like legends braving the elements in these bright yellow and blue trash bags… Again, Chelsay still had a shirt wrapped around her head.

We were only halfway up at this point, but we’d made it through the worst, right? Wrong. The next half is known as “the scramble”, navigating an essentially vertical scree (which must be Kiwi for loose shards of rock). To make matters worse, the weather was getting really bad. Halfway up the scree, we passed an American guy on his way down. We asked what the weather was like at the top, and he said the Mueller Hut warden had just sent everyone down. The wind was meant to reach 50 mph at the top (genuinely considered “gales”), with the rain turning to snow, and the possibility of thunderstorms. WTF? The forecast said today would be clear… Remember we woke up early to hike Mueller on 1/1. Why did I go to sleep on NYE after a 9:00 PM coffee if the weather would prevent us from making it to the top?

Then, the shorts-clad bro said something that lifted our spirits: he complemented Chelsay’s tee-shirt head warmer. No, just kidding, that still looked ridiculous. He actually told us that it was only another 45 minutes to the top if we were quick. Now, this hike was supposed to be 7 or 8 hours, but we were already ¾ of the way up and had only been hiking for 75 minutes! My “You shall not pass” policy had worked!

Status check though. We were cold and tired and sore and wet, and it was probably safer (and easier) to turn back. On the other hand, it was only 45 minutes to the top… Should we keep going? Let’s do it! FOR ROHAN!!

Hiding our pruned hands in our pockets & under our ponchos (aka “the turtle”), we scrambled the rest of the way to the scree’s peak. Despite conquering the ascent, the Hut wasn’t quite in sight. We still had an 800m trek over rock, through snow, and past glaciers that were genuinely cracking as we walked by. Chelsay and I heard the booming sound and thought the thunderstorms had arrived early, but found it was solid ice slipping from the glaciated mountainside. At this point though, we couldn’t be bothered by glacial movement – we just needed to make it indoors. You can actually tell how cold it was because I took very few photos or videos to capture the last few paragraphs.

Luckily it wasn’t long until the Mueller Hut came into sight. We turtled our way across the remaining snow fields and rumbled to refuge in the Hut. We quickly removed our wet ponchos and sweaters to let them dry, and realized just how much work it was to get to the top when my back was still steaming in the cold air.

While we were in the Hut, Chelsay and I read through the numerous warnings our bro-friend had shared earlier. The message: the weather is going to get worse so head down asap. We ate a quick lunch and rehydrated, before grabbing our still damp gear. To get our temperatures back up, we started our descent by literally running through the snow fields we passed on our way into Mueller Hut.

We retraced our scramble down the scree, and were back at Sealy Tarns’ 2000 steps (aka Mt Doom) in no time. Like, genuinely no time. This was supposed to be a 7 to 8-hour hike… After finishing the steps, we checked our phones and had gone door-to-door in just over 4 hours. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you’re cold and wet… and riding for Rohan.

We were really tired. Actually, we’d already been “really tired” the day before when we visited Glenorchy and had our loopy NYE dinner. Now, adding what had to have been a record time with the Mueller Hut, we were pooped. For the next 24 hours, Chelsay and I were like chewed-up gum: a boneless glob just sticky enough to pick up tasty foods and picturesque views as we rolled towards our departing flight from Christchurch. On the way, we enjoyed hot chocolate while finishing The Hobbit in our Mt Cook chalet, mouth-watering steaks from the Hermitage Panorama Room, breakfast from Poppies in Twizel, strolling through heather and lupin fields along Tekapo’s Cowans Hill track, beef pies and apple strudel from Fairlie Bakehouse, and finally, with a little extra time before our return flight, Mary Poppins Returns. The last one was payback for forcing Chelsay to hike Gerty Saddle. 

WHEW. That’s it. That was the trip. More broadly, that was the past two months. What a run. I want to just briefly recap the marathon that was these past four posts. First, we spent a month down unda with the Kerns. Then, I took a quick surprise reunion trip to London & Paris. Next, we celebrated Christmas with Chelsay’s family in the North Shore. Finally, New Zealand.

My conclusion won’t focus on the past four posts though. I’m only going to write about New Zealand. Although this fourth entry came at the end of this marathon, it absolutely demands my undivided attention. The past week was right up there with Iceland or Jordan as our best trip ever, so I need a similarly fitting conclusion.

What made it so great? Let’s break it down.

First, I’ll start with the superficial: the accommodation. I call this superficial because it’s more a circumstance of my planning. That said, Jordan’s accommodation was fine. Iceland’s was… supply-limited. For New Zealand, every place we stayed had plenty of space, incredible views, and a comfy bed and warm shower (critical on this trip). Also, our Queenstown AirBnB made us chocolate chip cookies.

Second, the food. No trip will be able to compete with Bologna for food… well, maybe Lake Bled & Sova. Regardless, Taj & Francesca were phenomenal. Those two alone made this a better food trip than either Iceland (hot dogs) or Jordan (???), and it only rounded out the trip to have tasty breakfast and coffee each day.

Third, I’m a sucker for a story. I had no real interest in seeing LotR or The Hobbit, but watching them before this trip absolutely enhanced my experience. Not only was it cool to see Isengard in Glenorchy or Mordor from Roy’s Peak, but at the end of the day, after a massive day’s hike, there’s nothing better than plopping in front of the iPad as we rested our legs.

Fourth, and most importantly, New Zealand might have been the most beautiful country we’ve ever visited. Iceland had a darker, blacker beauty, but New Zealand had so much diversity. From the snow-capped mountains surrounding Roy’s Peak, to the mysterious fjords of Milford Sound, to the alien setting of Gertrude Saddle, the pastoral beauty of Paradise, the heath and lupin fields of Tekapo, and finally, the turbulent slopes, glaciers, and deltas in Mt Cook. How can so much be packed into a single country? Actually, a single island of a single country! More broadly, how did this climate and geography end up in this part of the world!? It’s like a combination of Iceland, Scotland, Switzerland, and Scandinavia… but it’s somehow located in the South Pacific. I think Chelsay summarized New Zealand’s beauty best. She said that a lot of places can look pretty in pictures, but they don’t hold up when you actually visit. New Zealand is almost the opposite. Pictures don’t do it justice… They can’t capture the size and scale and strength. Other places require very precise conditions to get the same view you saw in the picture. No matter the weather, season, or camera filter, New Zealand is always both stunning and intimidating.

Now, I’m only writing this four days after I returned from NZ so I’ll need more time to truly say it was our best trip ever. For now though, I’ll try to describe our past week in Middle Earth with just one word… “Preciousssss”.

[but-its-only-the-beginning]

I often wonder to myself, when he says ‘Wake me up before you Go Go’ does he mean – wake me up before you leave leave, or wake me up before you leave for your job as a go go dancer?

Five most played songs on my iTunes

I had originally planned to make ‘Ten most played songs of 2016”, but weirdly enough iTunes doesn’t show me that information. There is a theme in this list, majority of the songs are quite slow. I enjoy music that allows me to think, but is powerful enough that it distracts me, because I’m obviously a fucking music guru. I have decided to listen to each song as I write about it, y’know raw emotion and all that shit, which is ruining Ru Paul’s drag race for me just by the way. Some of these songs mean quite a lot to me, some of them are just awesome. 

1.     Mellon Collie and The Infinite Sadness by The Smashing Pumpkins.

Play count: 590

Date added to iTunes: 02/06/2013

Let me just begin by saying, this song is honestly just a two minute and fifty-two second instrumental.

I play this song on repeat for a few reasons. It helps to calm me when my anxiety attacks become just a little too real, it really helps me concentrate if I need to study, and it put kids right the fuck to sleep. There is nothing I don’t love about this song. The piano is strong and the focus of the song. For me, it perfectly replaces lyrics. I don’t personally hear a story as I listen, but it does take me to a very calm place. If I could learn any song on the piano, this would be it. The strings in the background definitely add to the calming tone, but I really feel like the piano on it’s own is enough.

2.     Make You Feel My Love – Adele

Play count: 128 (huge number difference!)

Date added to iTunes: 29/10/2013

I am a huge Bob Dylan fan, but Adele’s rendition of this song is absolutely perfect. I generally prefer originals, I love older music, but I would absolutely dance to this at my wedding. Hell, I would even serenade the lucky bastard! This song is, again, very piano heavy, but obviously the focus is Adele’s angel voice. Is there anything this woman can’t do?! Fuck Beyoncé! When I die, I want to come back as Adele. I love strong singing voices, they give me chills. I will literally listen to a song on repeat 20 times if the voice is good enough. It of course helps that I love the original.

3.     America – Simon & Garfunkel

Play count: 105

Date added to iTunes: 14/06/2014

I’m surprised there isn’t more Simon & Garfunkel in this list; I listen to them every time I feel anxious.

This is one of my favourite Simon & Garfunkel songs. I can listen to it in any situation.

I get very real chills in two parts of this song.

- ‘It took me four days to hitch-hike from Saginaw’ I just like the way this part is sung. There is no other way to put it. C-H-I-L-L-S!

- “Kathy, I’m lost” I said,  though I knew she was sleeping. “I’m empty and Aching and I don’t know why.” I have always felt like this specific lyric stood out to me more than any other lyric I have ever heard. When I hear it, I feel like I wrote it. That’s the best way for me to explain it. I have written and re-written a hundred different ways to explain how that lyric makes me feel, but nothing else feels more right.

4.     A Million Love Songs – Take That

Play count: also 105

Date added to iTunes: 26/09/2013

I’m not even embarrassed. Gary Barlow is an angel. Back at it again with the piano strong songs, this one is a classic. It’s definitely another wedding song. I don’t really have much in depth stuff to say about this song, I just like singing it to be honest. You’re welcome neighbours. I’m disappointed in myself for this one, but the only person who can get deep about a Take That song, is Gary Barlow.

5.     Freedom – Wham!

Play count: 92

Date added to iTunes: 08/11/2015

Hands down, the best Wham! song ever. I’ve listened to this song at least 4000000 times in my lifetime. George Michael’s voice does things to me. The man is an absolute treasure. I could dance completely sober to this song, anytime! It is another one of those songs that I can’t really get too deep about, it’s freakin’ Wham!. It’s honestly just one of my all time favourite songs. R.I.P. George.

6.     Ha Ha You’re Dead – Green Day

Play Count: 83

Date added to iTunes: 26/01/15

Believe it or not, I can get pretty deep with this one. It’s basically a punk rock song written by a bunch of twenty-something’s, so it’s as mature as you’d think. The final chorus of this song goes as follows;

Ha ha you’re dead

The joke is over.

You were an asshole, and now you’re gone.

As your ship is going down, I’ll stand by and watch you drown.

Ha ha you’re dead.

Ha ha you’re dead.

Ha ha you’re dead.

I remember absolutely screaming this chorus on the way to work after being dumped. Good times. I belt this song out anytime anyone fucks me over, actually. I’ve used this song as anger management since I was about 13, it works wonders.

I accidentally did six, you’re welcome. 

Mood Playlists.

I have like three moods so don’t get too excited. I’ll give a brief description on the reason each song is in these playlists, but over all you’re welcome because these are some of the best songs the world has to offer.

Ten songs’ I listen to when I’m super anxious.

Landslide – The Smashing Pumpkins

The first version I heard of this was by The Dixie Chicks and I know it’s a Fleetwood Mac song, but Billy Corgan’s voice speaks to me on another level when I’m all fucked up.

Candle in the Wind – Elton John

Elton John could bring me down from just about anything. What a voice! What a man! What a song!

One Crowded Hour – Augie March

I could listen to this song thousands of times over, and I genuinely would not get sick of it. It is music genius. MUSIC GENIUS I SAY!!!!!!

Dear God – Avenged Sevenfold

M Shadow’s voice is fucking beautiful. It is only his voice that calms me, but I like to listen to slow music when I’m anxious, heavy metal would just work me up.

Tangled Up In Blue – Bob Dylan

The first time I heard this song was a cover by The Whitlams, so I was actually surprised to learn that it was a Bob song. Bob Dylan is definitely one of those artists that I could probably listen to his discography in its entirety when I’m anxious, but this one is a favourite.

Little Drummer Boy/Peace On Earth – David Bowie & Bing Crosby

I don’t even give a fuck that this is meant to me a Christmas song. Also, fuck Bing. This choice is honestly all about David Bowie’s voice. This is the first song I have ever heard David Bowie sing that gave me butterflies in my stomach. It’s so beautiful.

My Way – Frank Sinatra

I discovered this song after heard Sid Vicious’ version, which is obviously equally as calming.

Be Calm – Fun.

I read this information years ago, so if it’s wrong… well I don’t give a fuck. This song was actually written by the lead singer during a panic attack, and speaks to me so personally. It basically talks me down. “I know you feel like you are breaking down. Oh I know that it gets so hard sometimes. Be calm.” You got it, buddy. Obviously not a cure for anxiety, but it sure as fuck helps.

Yer Spring – Hey Rosetta!

This is just a very slow and peaceful song. I actually discovered when I saw The Living End Once.

Last Hope – Paramore

I think this is another song that really speaks to me when I’m down or anxious. It’s definitely about overcoming obstacles and coming out stronger. There is one part of the song that I usually play over and over. “It’s not that I don’t feel the paint it’s just I’m not afraid of hurting anymore.” I wish I were that deep sometimes.

Ten song’s I listen to when I’m feeling nostalgic.

You Sound Like Louis Burdett – The Whitlams

I remember being maybe 7 years old, and begging my Mum to let me say the F word in the song. She always said no, but I mouthed it anyway because I don’t play by the fucking rules.

Another Saturday Night – Cat Stevens

I know for a fact that this was not the song that my Dad likes most by Cat Steven’s but I just have memories of it being played A LOT.

Real Men – Joe Jackson

Another song my Dad played to death. I heard it for the first time in about 5 years on the radio a few months back, and instantly had ‘nam like flashbacks to my childhood.

I Feel Possessed – Crowded House

Again, a song my Mum wouldn’t have played the most when it comes to Crowded House, but it’s just one of those songs that takes me back whenever I heard the chorus.

The entire Bad album - Michael Jackson

Let me tell you a story! I can’t remember exactly which birthday, but I feel like it was my tenth. I had just heard of this little Indi artist called Michael Jackson. I’d gotten the HIStory album that I played to death. You’re welcome Mum and Dad. My grandparents came over for dinner, and brought a large box for me to open. Inside this box were several things, but most importantly Michael Jackson’s 1987 album Bad. I have memories of literally picking up the album and not giving a shit about anything else. I chucked that sucker into my discman and the rest is history.

Keep On Movin’ – Five

Every time I hear this song, I remember having my CD player sitting up on the window with that song blasting, while bathing. Good times.

Whatsername – Green Day

There are hundreds of Green Day song’s I could’ve chosen. This one specifically, I remember listening to on my MP3 player on the bus to and from school on repeat. I would stare out the window, just to make sure I looked as depressed as my music made me seems.

Dead! – My Chemical Romance

I used to have a dance to this song. Actually, there’s a video of me on YouTube somewhere dancing to this song. I used to act like a psycho teenager when listening to this song.

English Army – The Living End

Besides the fact that this is actually my favourite one of their songs, I used to have this DVD which had several videos of live performances on it. I used to listen to the live version of English Army all the time. Also, I’ve seen The Living End like 14 times, and they have not played it once!!!

Last Beautiful Girl – Matchbox Twenty

Honestly just another song my Mum played to death.

Songs that just generally give me some goddamn chills right down my spine.

I’m just going to write the lyric that gives me chill’s. Although, its actually the way the lyric is sung that gets me.

One Crowded Hour – Augie March (Yes, I’m mentioning it again because it’s that good.)

I completely relax when they sing “What is this six-stringed instrument but an adolescent loom

Let Her Cry – Hootie & The Blowfish

“Last night I tried to leave, cried so much I could not believe she was the same girl I fell in love with long ago. She went in the back to get high, I sat down on my couch and cried. Yellin’, “Oh, mama, please help me””

Somewhere Only We Know – Keane

I like all of these lyrics. What a good fucking song!

So Far Away – Avenged Sevenfold

“I love you, you were ready, the pain is strong and urges rise. But I’ll see you when He lets me, your paint is gone, your hands untied” insert cry emoji

Under Pressure – Queen ft. David Bowie

Like I need to just choose one fucking lyric.

Run To The Water – Live

“A million mile fall from grace, thank god we missed the ground.”

The Deepest Blues Are Black – Foo Fighters

The whole chorus is sung so well!!!

You Are Not Alone – Michael Jackson

I do the best version of this song. THE BEST. I used to jam to this with my karaoke microphone in my bedroom when I was younger.

I Walk Away – Split Enz

“Your life, slave to ambition”

Fin.

[hellafluff]

In a Week

So for my creative writing class we had to write a 10 page short story and then after we workshopped it, had to turn in a revised version for the final. This is my final version and I like it so I figured I’d share! It’s based on the NaNoWriMo story I was working on last year but never finished. Hope you take the time to read it, its around 3000 words

---

“It’s very sweet of you to cover for Mr. Engel tonight, Ms. Hayles,” Ms. Rote says as she scrutinizes a black hardback book with no visible title. She makes a face, something akin to distrust, before putting the book in a box to her right. 

Ms. Rote is in her sixties but carries herself in the dignified and proud way a young businesswoman would. She’s mostly around the shop in the evenings, but occasionally makes surprise visits during the day with a box under each arm, one full of books to shelve, and one empty. She does with them as she does now, placing the books into their appropriate places and books deemed unworthy into the empty box to be whisked away into the back. Marissa doesn’t know what she does with them or why she decides those books aren’t worthy of the shelves, but she isn’t about to question the woman who signs her checks. Instead, she shakes the snow off her boots and hangs up her coat and purse, feeling the shop air warm her. 

“It’s no trouble, he deserves a night out for once,” she clocks into the ancient work computer, beginning to sort through the box of consigned items on the table behind the front desk. “Will you be staying long, ma’am?”

“No,” she places another book in the box, red leather with silver etchings in the corners. “This is the last shipment for tonight. You focus on the items, please.” 

She nods and ten minutes later Ms. Rote makes her exit, bundled up thick in a chic black overcoat, bidding Marissa farewell and reminding her to triple check the locks before she closes. The noise of the bell above the door leaves the air feeling tinny once she’s gone and Marissa begins to wonder how Davie stands working the night shift alone so often. 

The shop is small, cramped, dark, and honestly a little bit spooky. Low, yellow lighting coming from lamps situated in strategic corners provide just enough light to see and read without straining the eyes but give off strange shadows from the various items stacked about, consigned for sale along with the old tomes. She distracts herself with music, placing her phone beside her as she works and swaying gently with the beat that fills the lonely space. It’s warm, which she’s thankful for, and she’s glad to have time with her thoughts. As she tags and sorts the items set out for her, she thinks about visiting her mother for Christmas. She smiles, content. 

Halfway into a playlist, the bell above the door screeches. She turns to find a man with frantic eyes darting around the shadowed corners, hunched over, clutching something to his chest. He’s not much older than her, she thinks, but he’s haunted. The look in his eye ages him by decades. She’s startled for a moment before her retail self takes over. 

“How can I help you, sir…?” He lurches at her voice, scrambling up to the counter, slamming down a hand on the polished wood table while still grasping the object. 

“I must speak to Lysandra!” His voice is hoarse and forceful, making her step back and her nerves to set on fire. His eyes bore into her. His lips are drawn back into a snarl. His teeth are blackening at the gums.

Her heart is pounding in her ears, making sentences hard to form. The shadows of the yellow lamps seem to coalesce around the stranger who curls and uncurls his outstretched hand. The light scratching of his bony fingers against the wood seems so much louder than the beat of her music still playing behind her. 

“Ms. Rote? She just left. Half an hour ago, I think.”

Her hands shake as she watches the man reel back like he’s been slapped. She notices then, as his sleeve falls back, black tattoos etched into his skin. She can’t get a good look at the design before he presses forward again.

“Then you! You have to help me,” he whines, desperate. He slams his treasure on the counter, dropping it like a sack of bricks. It’s a book. “You need to take this.”

The book is thick, almost the size of her copy of Les Mis back at home, but taller. It’s bound in black leather, intricate designs pressed into the front and back covers. A beautiful chaos. It’s held closed by a latch on the side, a shining silver that contrasts the black nicely. It’s a gorgeous book, and Marissa was always a sucker for a book with a pretty cover. 

Or well, normally she would be. Currently, she’s too scared of this unstable man currently shoving the work towards her with a furious intensity. She begins to reach back for her phone to make a call, get her boss back down here, maybe call the police as a last resort, but the man sees her movement and cries out against the action.

“No, please! I… I just need you to take this book, please! Lysandra will know what to do with it,” he’s on the verge of tears, eyes reflecting, body shaking, lips curled in a rotting grimace. She can’t deny the man this, he’s hurting, from what she doesn’t know, but this book is the catalyst.

“Yeah! Okay. How much do you-”

“Nothing! Just take it! Give it to Lysandra to put with the others!” He holds the book out to her over the counter, hands shaking desperately like it’s taking all his strength to do this simple action. She reaches out and grasps the edge, pulling it towards her.

Then her entire being is consumed in pain and darkness, with only the last cry of unbridled joy from the man ushering her into oblivion.

All around her is dark. Her skin feels like a million needles are lightly carving their way around her. Just enough pressure to hurt, multiplied by the sheer mass of them, making an unbearable sensation. She tries to escape but only begins to let loose ragged, wet coughs. Her chest heaves, unable to gain air. Her ribs feel like they’re trying to burst outwards, out of her chest, break through the skin to expose her heart to the world. Her stomach is lurching but there’s metal in it, keeping it weighed down and it spasms as the muscles work against each other. The intensity keeps gathering, dragging apart her body's tissues and vibrating her teeth and bending back her joints until she can’t take it anymore and she finally forces out a desperate scream.

And then it stops.

“Marissa, please for the love of god wake up! Please, please, please!”

“Davie?” She’s awake. Her voice sounds bad, to say the least, and she flinches at it.

“Oh thank god!” Arms are thrown around her suddenly as she tries opening her eyes. The only thing she sees is the black of a band t-shirt. 

She sits up, maneuvering around Davie, who clings to her in a desperate hug. They’re on the floor behind the counter of the bookshop. August, Davie’s boyfriend, is back against the wall, looking relieved. He sighs as he pushes his hair out of the way. Davie’s face suddenly overtakes her vision as he releases his hug, holding her shoulders instead as he looks her up and down, assessing for injury. 

“What’re you doin’ here?” Her mind is slow and her words reflect it. 

“August and I were in the neighborhood and wanted to see if you wanted to hang out after work but when we showed up the door was open and you were passed out! Are you okay?”

“I don’t know,” she stutters out and scoots backward, rubbing her head to try and soothe the bump that has risen. She must have hit her head on the way down. “A man came in with a book, I don’t remember what happened after that…”

A terrified gasp. “August, call Ms. Rote, I think someone robbed the place!” Davie tosses his boyfriend his phone before offering Marissa a hand up. She takes it, wavering a little as she realizes her legs have fallen asleep.

And then she rips her arm away from August, finding that the air is betraying her and refusing to fill her lungs as she stares at her wrist. 

There are black marks etched around it, swirled and angry and definitely new. She lifts her other arm, comparing the skin, only to find almost identical marks on the other side. Where did they come from? She begins to tear at her wrists with her nails, desperately trying to smudge or peel or scratch off the offending things. It’s not working. She can’t imagine why it’s not working, they weren’t there a moment ago and they really shouldn’t be there now, maybe if she claws harder, maybe if she digs deeper, maybe if-

Davie yanks her arms apart and pulls her into a crushing hug, begging her to stop. Her arms are raw and she’s shaking and she’s vaguely aware of August on the phone. She doesn’t return the hug but leans her body against her friend who supports her, holding tight. He sits her down and talks to her softly until Ms. Rote arrives.

It doesn’t take long.

The three stand as the older woman approaches and immediately grabs hold of Marissa, checking her over with telescopic scrutiny. She sees the still raw wrists and swears, eyes closing and shoulder tensing, as if pained. Her eyes are open again, cold blue-black staring firmly at her.

“You’ve been cursed.”

“Pardon?”

“Cursed.” Ms. Rote scans the room before moving, standing above the book the man had thrown at her, left discarded on the floor. 

She bends down to pick it up but snaps her hand away, swearing and shaking the limb like she’s been shocked. Her frown deepens and she begins to look more her age, wrinkles deep and body tired. She turns to August and beckons him over, and the same thing happens when he tries. A heavy sigh follows and she turns sad eyes briefly to Marissa before standing again. 

“Girl, you pick this up.” 

Tentatively, ready to be shocked like the others, she crouches down and places her hand on the cover. Nothing. She picks it up and feels the weight and the age of the old pages on the side, all frayed. To her, it’s just a book; heavy, beautiful, and apparently, cursed. 

“I know this magic,” Ms. Rote moves into the back, gesturing the others to follow her. “I’m sorry, Marissa, but if it is not taken care of, it will be fatal.”

“What?!” Davie and Marissa both yell, shocked and confused and deeply upset about this horrid night. August pales, moving to Davie’s side, placing a hand on his arm to steady him.

“Fatal? There’s no way to fix this? Magic is real and my first experience with it is it trying to kill me?” Marissa laughs, but with no joy. It sounds like dead air escaping her throat.

“Come with me, to the back,” they follow the boss dutifully, feeling no other choice.

They enter the back office and Ms. Rote grabs a very thick volume from one of the many shelves that line the walls. Her own personal collection. After flipping through the pages for just a moment, she stops, sighs, closes her eyes, and gently takes a seat in her brown leather chair. 

“That bad?” Marissa asks. She regrets it as her boss looks at her like one looks at a stray puppy they can’t keep. The dissociative state she’s been in since this started is beginning to crack. She feels cold.

“The only way to lift the curse is to pass the tome on to someone else who willingly takes it. If this is not done, you will be dead in a week.”

Marissa’s heart aches like it’s skipped too many beats and is struggling to catch up. Her wrists burn in the cold back room. Her entire body feels so much heavier. She’s going to die. Too much absurdity has happened in the past hour, too many new concepts and revelations. Her boss works with magic books, she’s cursed, magic is real. She begins to cry without realizing it. She thinks about missing Christmas with her mother and finally collapses into the chair across from Ms. Rote.

“Marissa, please, give me the book. I can handle this for you,” Ms. Rote holds her hand out like offering assistance to a drowning man. Davie is having a hushed argument with August in the corner before he interjects at the offer.

“No! I should have been working the counter tonight, give it to me!” August pulls him back, telling him to stop. He’s not letting him martyr himself like this. 

There’s silence as Marissa stares at the books lining the shelves, seemingly lost in herself.

“No,” she stands so suddenly that Davie flinches and Ms. Rote snatches her hand away. “It’s my burden now and I’m going to deal with it on my own.” 

“Where are you going?” Ms. Rote calls after her as Marissa speeds away back into the shop floor, grabbing her coat and purse and the book. 

“Home, to get some sleep. I’m taking the week off, if you don’t mind.” Her words are final and she’s out the door before there’s an answer. The bell rings final as the door closes. 

The first three days pass by in private despair. Marissa locks herself in her room, tells her roommate that she’s sick, and lies motionless in bed for hours on end. Sometimes she’d stand in front of the mirror and stare at the markings that grow and twist their way up her arms. She doesn’t eat or shower, barely even sleeps.

On the morning of the fourth day, she gets a call. Her phone had been buzzing on and off, worried texts from her friends, but there was only ever one person who called her. Her mother.

She answers, lethargic and barely gets out a greeting before her mother asks what’s wrong. She says she’s sick, bedridden actually, and the wisdom of a hundred generations of mothers is recited to her from across the connection. She laughs at the old remedies her mom lists out, everything from honey tea to onions in socks. That brief moment of joy makes her take pause and she sits up, listening to every word her mother says, memorizing her voice and accent. When she finishes, Marissa smiles and tells her she loves her, and the conversation ends. 

She spends the rest of the day cleaning herself up and then the apartment too, until she’s so exhausted she passes out when she falls into bed that night. 

Day five starts at eight am. Breakfast is made for her roommate and herself and she’s out the door as they stumble into the kitchenette half asleep, telling them the coffee is all theirs. She explores the city, enjoys herself, strangling any thoughts about death that pop up. She meets some friends from college for lunch and ends up having an impromptu snowball fight afterwards when they all walk through the park. She brings the group home and they watch their favorite movies and laugh like they used to.

Day six she decides to treat just herself. She wanders into a nicely lit restaurant, surprisingly crowded for a Thursday night, and finds a place at the bar. She sips her cocktail and eats some fries, enjoying the nightlife.

She turns to find the bathroom at one point and just briefly through the crowd thinks she sees a familiar face. Pausing, waiting, watching… there. The crowd parts briefly and she sees him, a man her age, but haunted in a way that makes him look older. Not nearly as old as the first time she saw him, but it hasn’t completely left his face. Six days and the man that cursed her still looks worse for wear from his encounter with death. 

The weight of the book sits heavy in the inside pocket of her thick winter coat. She couldn’t bring herself to leave it at home, feeling like the thing was shackled to her. Her arms would itch if she got too far away from it. The man never looks at her, probably doesn’t recognize her face in this nicely lit, welcoming atmosphere- a stark contrast from the yellow, crowded emptiness of the shop. 

A notice takes over in her mind, the whisper of an idea that at first makes her sit straighter, feeling nauseous and disgusted in herself. Trick him into taking the book, give him back the curse he gave to you, it says. The longer she thinks about it, however, the more the sickness passes and the more resolute she becomes. She needs to give him back his book. A plan formulates, not a good one, but she needs to do this before her confidence leaves her. 

She stands from the bar playing with her hair as she maneuvers through the crowd until she looks approachable, like she’d never hurt a fly. She tugs on her long sleeves, making sure that the markings that claw up her arms are hidden. The book burns against her chest. She ignores it. 

“Excuse me?” He looks up at her, confused. He doesn’t recognize her. “I think I know you, were you at Rote Books and Antiques last friday night?” He pales, choking on his beer.

“Uh, why do you, uh what-?”

“You left your book behind,” she smiles so sweetly at him. “It’s a real antique you know, we put it aside in case you came back for it.” 

“No, no girl, that things no good,” he’s grinding his teeth. His friends in the booth look confused.

“Oh, I beg to differ. I’ve been reading it actually, it’s very good. I have it with me actually,” she takes it out of her jacket. The silver clasp shines. “Here, I’d hate to miss the opportunity to give it back.”

He’s panicking. His friends stare at him, wondering why he’s not taking it. She smiles, tilting her head and offering it to him. She keeps from shaking by biting her tongue. Any second now she’s going to lose her nerve, he’s going to run, or she is, and it’ll all be over for her. 

“Dammit, Mike just take the book so the girl can go,” the woman on his left chastises, shoving his shoulder roughly. On instinct, he reaches out to stop himself from falling off the seat, and grabs the book. 

Marissa doesn’t think she’s ever run faster in her life, as the moment his hand is on the cursed tome, she’s fled the scene, running and never stopping until she’s home.

On day seven, she walks into work. Ms. Rote stares at her as she removes her coat, revealing unmarked arms. They stare at each other for a few moments, finality and uncertainty in the air between them. 

“I gave the man his book back,” she says, voice level. Ms. Rote nods, a single, slow tilt of the head, expression unreadable.

“Well, that’s good to know... Would you like to help me sort the books?”