#therapy turned to pain but at least im feeling good about it lmao

[cuppanova]

first time coloring an animation and im goin through it [WIP]

[blessedshortcake]

My opinion on the finale episodes below the cut. Obviously spoiler warning lol

First of all. I see people say it was really underwhelming and i kinda have to agree? It wasnt a Bad ending or a lazy one or whatever words have been thrown around tho imo. I feel like with all the hype about how "painful" and emotional itll be from the VA and from everyone, we all just expected more tragic outcomes or something.

I am dissappointed because of that as well. I liked how Simon finally reflected a bit and had some self awareness about their situation with Betty. I loved that he didnt become Ice King again or that they didnt do some actual time travel to "fix" stuff. I also liked that they didnt necessarily made him a bad husband (?/boyfriend?) he kinda just never realised that Betty has been putting more into their duo than he was.

That doesnt make him innocent tho b4 someone comes at me. He was a bit too self absorbed but i dont think he was entirely selfish either. He was a person who made mistakes and didnt realise them. The line where he said smt like "i wish we could have talked like this before" also makes it pretty clear to me that Betty never really spoke up about these things either. Golbetty had to make him aware and tbh? I think that was more Golb than Betty.

The whole Scarab ordeal felt a bit. Ehhhhhh I dont know. His anger reaction to things suddenly becoming "canon" (lmao) was very nice to see but him being allowed to wreck havoc like that for a good while felt more like an excuse to bring the others into this world. I dont have a problem with it btw i just dont see the point why we need Farmwold Jay and Little... I forgot her name damn. Also whys Babyworld Finn here 😭 (i get it, he was in the tank, i dont mean literally i mean Why)

As much as i was soooo mad when LSP freed the scarabs it was very in character. I like how it was a thing that he likes animals from the start so it wasnt senseless stupidity, it was something he would do even tho it was the wrong thing to do. Made me pause and lay down to stare at the ceiling in frustration for a solid minute i cant lie, still in chacter tho.

But alas. I like how in the end it all didnt turn magical (completely since ig its partially magical with Cake and everything else) and how Cake finally cooled down about the crown. IM ALSO SO HAPPY THEY KEEP IN TOUCH WITH SIMON OVER THE PHONEEE!! But yea him wanting to move was so real and I hope he does lmao he deserves it.

I only kinda wish they made him reconnect with Marcy a bit more. I am actually pretty dissappointed that we dont know if he ended up reaching out to her more or not. I understand his situation with not wanting to spook her, i actually feel that bit in a soul connecting level good god, but idk. Im at least happy he is Literally in therapy now

(Kinda makes me wonder tho if he spent the time between the end of AT and the start of FC with no like therapist or psychologist. Just rawdogging his mental illness about everything. Mood tbh but like did he? Did he??)

Anyway despite my slight dissappointment i am actually pretty happy with the outcome. I really liked the theories and the ideas of how Simon may make FC magical or what he will become but tbh this is probably the best outcome. Everyone got a happy/hopeful ending (minus Farmwold Finn ig who im atp assuming is dead. Also Star Marceline and PB) which i am really REALLY happy about.

I gotta say I already wanna write fanfic about these guys so inspirational effect granted. Woooo.

Tldr

I was kinda dissappointed because it was overhyped about how emotional it will be when it really wasnt but other than that I am really happy about how the ending turned out save for the alternatives staying in FC

Edit: I SEE PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THE WHOLE SHOW DONT TELL THING AND TBHHH??? TTTTBBBHHHH??? YEAH. IT WAS ALL JUST TALKED ABOUT LIKE WHAT ABOUT SYMBOLISM? MY GOD.

Also Simon had like 10 minutes to get closure with Betty which was horrifically rushed but again, when your wife turns into Basically God you kinda dont really have a choice to chit chat. Still not happy about it but again, could have been worse. Could have been much worse.

[ajdrawshq]

Riku for the character thing! (And Junpei? Maybe? I think that'd be interesting °•°)

!!!!!!!!!!! putting this under a cut bc i Cannot shut up abt these two in particular bless u

Riku

favorite thing about them: gayass (affectionate) the way that hes so devoted to his best friends that it can easily turn self destructive (or otherwise generally destructive) with one wrong turn is just So. Yes. also im stealing his gender

least favorite thing about them: i wouldnt say i Dislike this bc thematically it fucks but its funny that kh1 is basically just a chain of the worlds' worst decisions bc this poor dumbass doesnt know how to deal w his feelings for his besties. he went from playful teasing on the island to getting straight up possessed how the fuck do u do things this badly

brOTP: Riku n Terra, or any of the wayfinders tbh, and the novel trio (Riku Axel Naminé) OH AND REPLIKU OFC. let Riku be the big brother figure he always wanted to be and give him more friends im begging

favorite line: "at least the waves sound the same..." always hurts me,, he spent all that time trying to escape the islands, then avoided going back there to face everyone. and now when they have no way to get back, no way of knowing if theyll ever even leave this place, hes exhausted and in pain and just.. happy to have that one last reminder of home. ok i need tp go cry now ,

OTP: Sorikai!!! and any 2 of those 3 together, Soriku is obvious but Rikai is SO sweet i love them dearly. Rikuroku is also up there because its funny

nOTP: him with any adults??? and im not a fan of Namiku tbh

random headcanon: hes nearsighted n needs glasses but is too stubborn to get his eyes checked. it only got worse when he wore that blindfold for a whole year and his friends lovingly make fun of him for it (especially Repliku, who didnt inherit his shitty eyesight lmao). also hes demi

unpopular opinion: i do think theres something big/special going on with him but im not convinced its as.. deep? as a lot of people are theorizing but it IS kh so what do i know and i really dont think disney or squenix have the balls to make him canonly/explicitely gay

songs i associate with them: unsaid by flor, Leo by Eve, A Sadness Runs Through Him by The Hoosiers, and like. anything by Jaymes Young bc thats peak sad yearning music right there (ESPECIALLY MOONDUST. stripped version also. god.)

favorite picture of them: oh this one is easy. soft lil dude..

Junpei

favorite thing about them: he is literally just some guy. like the most just some guy character ever. he did NOT ask for any of this he just happened to be dragged into it for reasons he almost couldnt comprehend but were also completely unavoidable. he is ridiculously observant of his environment and other people. he absorbs information like a sponge, which is impressive considering hes a college student fighting for his life and id legit just shut down. he is rational, but tends to act based on emotion when it concerns someone else and at his core is a helpful n caring guy. his ability to joke in a life or death situation is also something between impressive, endearing and worrying. his ability to Very Easily manipulate people is even more worrying. if he werent generally a nice dude id be afraid of him. hes a walking bi disaster and i love that for him. i want to be his friend

least favorite thing about them: horny. also didnt he become an alcoholic or something in the next game is he ok

favorite line: lowkey tempted to list every quote from his wiki bc holy fuck this dude is funny but this one killed me

(although the "people liquid" bit that i do Not remember encountering is up there. and his bi awakening by the elevator)

brOTP: his interactions w like.. idk basically everyone in 999 is so so good but if i had to choose id go w him n Aoi, Snake, n Clover

OTP: i.. dont know what to put here other than Junepei?? i dont rly even ship him with people i just think he needs therapy right the fuck now. or that Carlos guy he flirts with in one of the other games (i think??)

nOTP: idek just the obvious stuff i guess??

random headcanon: that dude is Not neurotypical. i dont have any evidence or anything i just think hes neat and i relate too much to his whole "idk what im doing in life im just kinda here" thing. and the fact that he carries damn near every puzzle he encounters and the 999 puzzles make my brain go brrrrr. shooting him with my adhd beam

unpopular opinion: uhhh.. what counts as a popular opinion???? what is the general consensus on this guy. will say that im afraid to touch the other ze games bc of whatevers going on w him but thats the only thing i got here

song i associate with them: ive been thinking very hard abt this one for thr past few days and i actually cant find anything that clicks here which is. surprising. if u squint i guess some of the songs i put for Riku could fit tbh..

favorite picture of them: i wanted to put that one shot of him during the true end looking at the sudoku puzzle but then i found this concept art of him n .. it appeals to me

[insporaelynn]

📲 raelynn && roman

WHEN: january 24-26th 

DESCRIPTION: just best friends talking and being obsessed with each other. rae confides in him about her ex drama.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: drug mention, probably sex mention.

@romanbeckett​

Roman

Hi love of my life. I miss your face. How’s it going??

raelynn

my baby

god, i miss you too. i'm doing okay, how're you tonight?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

it’s been an off day, not even gonna lie lol super sore and tired. I just wanna be back to normal already

raelynn

oh no

how's your scar healing up? the boys are taking care of you right??

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

it’s okay I guess bleh lol and not tonight. I’m all alone

raelynn

Where's Q? Is Aaron working?

Well I guess I should know that since I'm literally at work. Lmao.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

Q is working on music. Aaron has des tonight

raelynn

ugh. i wanna lay with you and kiss ur face.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

are you busyyy? I can burn us some cookies

raelynn

i'm working but I'd love to see you after if you're still up.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

of yeah you just said you’re at work lmao fucking weed

yes please come by when you’re done

raelynn

LMAO I KNOW THE FEELING

absolutely, i'm yours.

u know niamh was trying to figure out who rue's date was and she was like "is it you" bc i mentioned that I have a dick appt with him tomorrow night.

and i was like. dude, no, for like, a thousand reasons. like, why would that ever be me???

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚n.

oh god, I’m so out of the loop with gossip lately, it’s sad. I didn’t even know he had a date lol

raelynn

it's apparently some big secret but he's having people help him dress up and asking about flowers and candy and niamh is like "bitch is it you" and i'm like. LMAO.

like is there anything about me that says flowers and candy

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

Hahahahahhahahahahaha HAHAHA

that really made me laugh too hard.

raelynn

like, i'm not the flowers girl, i'm the sneak out in the night girl, the middle of the afternoon girl, all those things, but flowers girl???? sdkfdskksd

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I’m 100p a flowers girl

raelynn

YOU ARE AND YOU'RE WORTH IT MY BABY

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

my parents are coming in to town this week. Gotta tell them I have two boyfriends haaaa. Pray for me

raelynn.

I feel like that should be the least shocking thing about you??? In a good way.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

yeah, I definitely keep them on their toes

raelynn

tell ur boyfriend that if he wants me to continue wearing body glitter he's going to have to pay me extra

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

omg but I love body glitter fyi

raelynn

I did an onlyfans video with Lilah earlier and I'm like 80% sure that I left glitter on her sheets. Like I'm a fucking unicorn.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

that makes me so happy I can’t even lie

I too wanna leave glitter everywhere

man I need to do only fans

raelynn

i would a thousand percent subscribe

both bc i'm a perv and also bc i'm a very supportive best friend.

we could get naked and do a body glitter photoshoot

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

and I love this about you

that sounds like a dream?? Wow

raelynn

would love nothing more than to apply body glitter to ur glorious tiddies.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

my tillies would appreciate it

Hahahaa it hurts to laughhhh

raelynn

SORRY SORRY I'M GOING TO BE VERY SERIOUS NOW

clears throat Um. The National Debt.

it is my understanding that there is. National Debt.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

hahahah I love you

raelynn

Blah blah, topics. Blah blah, smart people jargon, blah blah

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

god it’s so boring isn’t it

would so much rather talk about titties

raelynn

God same.

Like how yours are somehow bigger than mine.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I know, I need some sort of support at this point I think

raelynn

we could get you fitted for bras somewhere maybe that'd be fun

it'd look actually so hot

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

well I already wear lingerie in the bedroom. Might as well.

raelynn

you will be the absolute death of me, you're simply too gorgeous and too sweet to exist.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

stahhpppp you’re making me blushhhh. Right back atcha my babe

raelynn

is there anything you want me to bring you when i'm done here?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

just yourself. I’ve got good ass weed

raelynn

and for the millionth time, i realized, you are my soul mate.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

you’re mine, lovie.

raelynn

i wish i could've had appendix surgery instead of you

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

noooo don’t be silly lol I’m okay darling.

raelynn.

no i hate that you were in pain even for like a second i hate it so much!!

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

stop it, I love you. You cutie. Oh god okay I’m gonna make us cookies.

raelynn

Dont burn the house down my beautiful twin flame

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I always get cookie dough thinking I’ll do better next time. I still have that unearned confidence

raelynn.

Thats bc im always building you up and rightfully so

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

yes you do and I live for it. I also really love fresh cookies right out of the oven, I just want to make that happen

raelynn

I believe in you my little tropical starfish

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

raelynn

literally you

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

hehehehe ⭐️

raelynn

i don't think anybody's ever gonna love me more than you

and i think. i think maybe that's okay?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

that’s not true. You’re gonna find someone who is gonna blow you away

raelynn

yeah but even if i did, would I even be able to love them without being scared of them?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

yeah, I think so. I’ve had to overcome a lot of walls and fears myself that I never thought I could. The right person makes it easier.

raelynn

idk there are a lot of people i could've loved if i hadn't been so....this lmao

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I think it’ll just take some time!

raelynn

you have so much faith in me.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

of course I do. I think you can do anything.

raelynn

i'm not really sure.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

you don’t have to be cause I ammmmm

raelynn

and you're the smartest person in the world

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

in the whole world?? Damn. I’m not near as rich as I should be then.

raelynn

how about I stay over with you tonight and we get some breakfast in the morning? I did really good on tips tonight.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

okay!! I’d love that

raelynn

good 'cause i don't get to spend nearly as much time with you as i wanna

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I knowwww. We haven’t had a sleepover in so long

raelynn

you can cuddle up to me and i'll feed you cookies and kiss your hair

revolutionary. better than therapy.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

Yes!!!!

raelynn

loml

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I finished the cookies baby and I didn’t burn them to a crisp

raelynn

you fucking legend

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I’m pretty damn proud of myself not gonna lieeeee

[...]

raelynn

extremely sad that i couldn't stay at breakfast with you all day

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

same

now I’m bored

raelynn

i swear after i left you my day went down the tubes.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

oh no I’m sorry

who do I need to fight

raelynn

well carson is back.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

oh god, tell me more

raelynn

idk why he's back but wes gave him my number bc i guess when i told him to lose it he took it to heart which like good i wanted him to

but anyway i screamed at him in the chat

everyone called me a hypocrite bc i told ivy to stop being a bitch in the chat awhile back. which tbh i didn't remember even doing, i just be saying shit.

like alex opened his fuckin mouth and i'm like what dog do you have in this fight

oh and DELILAH is moving in with carson bc he's "like her brother!!!" never mind the fact that he cheated on me bc i guess friendship doesn't mean much anymore

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

wow that’s...messy. Wtf lilah though seriously

raelynn.

So then Carson texts me bc wes gave him my number and that felt like being??? Pushed back in time against my will

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

that’s not cool

raelynn

So yeah a lot of crying today

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

*chick with knife emoji*

me rn

raelynn

Cute but lethal

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

*img attachment* 

and not at all high...

raelynn.

you're so hot jesus christ.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I love you.

raelynn.

love u more than life itself

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

*img attachment of a keychain that says PUSSY WAGON* 

this was recommended to me on Instagram and now I want it.

raelynn

LET'S GET THEM MATCHING.

EVEN THOUGH I DON'T HAVE A CAR

AND THEREFORE NO KEYS FOR SAID CAR

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

it would be perfect for my Volkswagen

raelynn.

omg and with me in it...it really WOULD be a pussy wagon......

big brain

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

hahahahah

raelynn

we should road trip soon

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I would love that so much honestly

raelynn

where should we go?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

Disney world!!

raelynn

will u propose to me there

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

wouldn’t that be romantic as heck

raelynn.

THE most romantic and also we'd maybe get free dessert

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I never turn down anything free.

raelynn

me neither. not the taylor family way

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

hahaha I love you.

raelynn.

we'll start planning a summer trip, just us.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

yay yay yay yay!

raelynn.

i'm gonna wear a tiara the whole time.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.BOT01/25/2021

with Mickey ears?

raelynn.BOT01/25/2021

of course, i'm not a monster.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

hahahaa

[...]

raelynn

I hate dudes.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

they’re a mess aren’t they lol

raelynn

Had a temporary lapse in sanity and agreed to meet Carson for coffee lol and he canceled like 15 mins before we were supposed to meet for a probably fake meeting lmao its so typical but I fell for it

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

babe I’m so sorry

raelynn

Like im just so tired

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

how can I make it better

raelynn.

I don't know honestly and I wish I did.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I love you.

raelynn

I love you.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

you’re my baby

raelynn

you're MY baby

[sxyurii]

Hey, I've been your follower for years now and recently I've been through a breakup and I saw your post about it and I feel really sad I don't know how to move on and I just wanted to ask could u give some tips 😢❤❤❤ Love you and your blog so much!!! Sending you much love

Omg hi angel!!! 💕 im really sorry to hear that :( It sucks but we gonna get thru this baby

This will be a long post but also for anyone whos going thru a breakup rn, I'll type out everything that I wish someone told me before 😂

HOW TO WIN A BREAKUP

Ok so im gonna put shit that I know from expierence and as a psychology major so we have some gold hacks here on getting over a breakup 😏 First, I've personally had like quiete few breakups and honestly that FIRST ONE is ALWAYS the worst. If this is ur first breakup im rly sorry but its gonna suck for a while LMAO just remember that first one is the most painful but once you get over it its like antidote for life. No breakup will hurt that much as far as I know. Now lets start. U broke up youre sad, alone, crying, now what?

1. Call your friends. ALL OF THEM. I always felt my breakups before they happened and with this recent one I summoned all of my friends and they were all there with me before and after it happened. Venting helps and emotional support will be the first thing here. You are very vulnerable and sensitive right now and your emotions are all over the place probably. You're sad, angry, confused you wanna kill him all of that shit and having people there with who you can let out all those emotions is SO SO SO important i cant stress it enough. Dont bottle emotions D O N T its tempting but its toxic as fuck and it prolongs the healing. Buy junk food, have girls night, cry to your friends and talk about it until you don't feel need to anymore, cry more. Use all emotional support u can get, ur girls got u. BONUS TIP therapy helps alot. Ive been to therapy to help me sort my emotions out and its been super helpful. Remember also friends arent therapists, sometimes a professional help to guide thru emotions is the good choice too.

2. DELETE EVERYTHING you have that reminds you on them. I personally dont have hard time with it I know some people do but its also one of the most toxic things. Delete the pictures, chats, unfollow them block them even if u have to, mute, delete the songs that remind u of them. Literally erase their existence from your life. Due our brain not knowing difference between someone breaking up w us and someone dying pain we feel is intense and gets to point we feel physical pain. Memories trigger emotional responses and keep opening the wound. You need to heal. Patch it and let it heal. Dont poke it by seeing still things that remind u of them.

3. dO NOT STALK THEIR SOCIAL MEDIA. DONT DONT DONT. ITS LIKE DRINKING POISON EXPECTING THEM TO DIE??? What you could possibly find that will make u feel better??? Them posting that they miss you and want u back??? Nah sis, social media presence of people is so biased and its SO EASY to fake anything. You can misinterpret alot and you might also see stuff that will hurt u. Some of my exes (idk abt this last one tho bc I never stalked his social media since we broke up and im super proud on it) would post stuff that they know would hurt me or make me jealous or just some shady shit and you dont want to go in a place where u know someone just wants to hurt u. You are better than that. Protect your mental peace at all costs.

4. Journal. With this recent breakup I wrote like alot about it, i took my emotions and wrote paaaages. Let it all out. Draw abt it. Find ways to turn your pain in art.

5. DONT TEXT YOUR EX. CUT THEM OFF. its the best for you. You cant heal in a place you got hurt. If you wanna text them handle phone to ur best friend. I know whenever you are alone u will feel so lonely but trust me better call your friend than hit up ur ex LMAO We all still think we want our ex back even some time after breakup. We tend to idealize our exes in our heads and remember only the good times and stuff and then its just painful illusion. I know i did that alot with my exes so with this last one i decided to prevent it. Best way for that was to make a list of all the things he did that would hurt me, make me sad or mad and that i just didnt like abt him. Whenever I would feel im thinking I miss him I would read that list and see he wasnt so good and there was a reason that relationship ended. It will come to point u will see you werent happy and you will be slowly letting it go. He aint shit trust me.

6. Usually it takes 3 weeks for the worst symptoms of breakup to subdue bc our neurotransmitters need to balance again. Love is a drug and breakup is like withdrawal from cocaine addiction. Your body and mind will go through symptoms same as cocaine addict. Remember to be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. I know for me issue was I would be like "get over it" and not allow myself to be hurt abt it. Be kind, you are going though huge emotional trauma and you deserve all the time and space to be hurt and feel it. Feelings are like visitors, you just have to accept them with out resistance and let them pass. Acceptance is the key.

7. Focus on yourself. You were so used on putting effort and energy into that person. Take all of that energy and put it back in YOU. Be selfish. Treat yourself. Date yourself. Write things you love about yourself. Rediscover your passions. Focus on school. On your beauty. dYE UR HAIR DO A TATTOO DO UR NAILS DO A FACEMASK PLAY SONGS SINGING HOW EXES AINT SHIT Fall in love with yourself. This is something that you will be ready to do when you processed all the emotions in healthy way.

8. Idk did i forget something but just to add this. "This too shall pass". You will heal. You will mend. Never close your heart to love again. You deserve love and one day you will have it. Dont let your pain make you push love away. Breakups are extremely good for self growth and be grateful for it because trust me you will grow so much and you will learn so much about yourself.

I hope I helped at least a bit 💕 I keep feeling like I forgot something but know that you and anyone can always hit me up in DMs and ask for help. Im always open to help anyone and dont hold back. Im sending you so much love honey 💖💖💖💖💖

[ssironstrange]

Hawks of Nephthys pt. 3

I thought this was going to be the final part but i was wrong lmao sorry there will be one more after this.

(read part 2)

tagging: @im-trying-to-be-oky

     “There’s going to be a small ceremony held for the technique Christine and I came up with,” Stephen licked his lips, actually nervous for the first time in years. “I’d like you to come… as my date.”

     Tony waved a hand and the holographic screens were pushed away. It was obvious he was trying not to smile.

     “Are you sure? What happened to being afraid of it tarnishing your reputation?”

     “I don’t need reputation. My work speaks for itself. Besides, it’s no skin off my back if someone would rather have less capable hands operate on them just because I’m dating a man.”

     Tony rolled his chair away from the desk, stood and walked around it to meet Stephen where he stood fidgeting with the cuffs of his sleeves.

     “Well it’s about damn time. I hate keeping secrets, you know.”

     “I know,” Stephen smiled with soft fondness. “And please—leave the armor here.”

     “Party pooper.”

     “Another time.”

     “Fine. I’m holding you to that. You’re gonna have a date with Iron Man one of these days. At that nice Italian place we like. Full armor. Might not even take the mask off.”

     Stephen couldn’t roll his eyes hard enough, yet he laughed anyway.

     Stephen opened a portal right beside where Steve stood in one of the compound’s many conference rooms.

     No one seemed particularly surprised.

     Except for Peter Quill who was still live on their view screen and apparently scrambled to get Gamora’s attention about it.

     “You found his ship? Him?”

     “We believe so. Picked up an old signal on the frequencies common to Earth.” Gamora responded, her tone carefully guarded. “Doctor, if it is him, the chances that he is still alive—”

     “Are infinitesimal, I know.”

     Silence and tension fell upon them like an itchy woolen blanket.

     Nebula broke through the quiet after a few long minutes.

     “We’re here.”

     None of them, not even Drax who rarely sported emotion, could keep their expressions impassive. One by one their faces fell.

     They didn’t have to say it.

     It was his ship.

     Stephen was gone from the compound and aboard the Benatar within seconds.

     Tony Stark limped out of a C-17 with his arm in a sling and Rhodes delicately supporting his every move. Somehow, Tony still managed to stand tall and confident. He was too thin, his hair was too long, he needed to shave, and needed to sleep for about two weeks straight.

     But he was alive.

     At his side, Pepper squeezed his hand while holding back tears as Tony approached the two of them on the runway. He took a look around at the Air Force personnel, sniffed, then let his attention fall to Pepper.

     “Your eyes are red. Few tears for your long lost boss?”

     “Tears of joy,” She said through a bright smile. “I hate job hunting.”

     “Yeah, well,” Tired eyes landed on Stephen and his throat bobbed with a hard swallow. “Vacation’s over.”

     With his good hand, Tony grabbed Stephen’s as he walked past and towards the car and held it like he’d never let it go again.

     The docking clamps attached with a dull thud.

     “Stephen, the ship is dead. Not even the backup life support systems are active. Are you sure about this?” Gamora laid a hand on his arm. Her concern was touching.

     “I am,” He patted her hand, his own trembling more than usual. “I need to know.”

     Rocket chimed in. “Knowin’ is one thing, doc. You don’t gotta go and hurt yourself like that.”

     “I am Groot.”

     “See?”

     Despite the circumstances, Stephen let a fragile smile through. “I appreciate the concern, and I don’t expect any of you to understand. But this is something I have to do.”

     Magic cloaked his body in safety against the harsh elements of the dead ship.

     Stephen walked through the short terminal, opened the hatch door with a single gesture, and stepped inside.

     Too focused on the patient file that promised to bolster an already impressive record, Stephen didn’t see the tail light until it was too late.

     The car spun off the edge of the cliff, rolled and flipped multiple times on the way down, and landed nose down in chilly waters.

     Stephen opened one eye that wasn’t swollen shut fourteen hours later to Christine and Tony talking quietly and his hands in fixators.

     The deep and painful inhale and the spike in his heart rate alerted them to his consciousness. Tony’s eyes were red with heavy bags beneath them, and Christine could barely look at him.

     “What… did they do?” He croaked out, throat dry and lips swollen.

     “Take it easy, baby,” Tony placed a gentle hand on his thigh and fresh tears threatened to fall.

     “It—it took Tony a while to find you…” Christine’s voice shook.

    “What did they do?” His snarl was weak, but still enough to make both of them wince.

     Neither of them could look at him while Christine donned her best professional tone.

     “Eleven stainless steel pins in the bones, multiple torn ligaments, severe nerve damage in both hands.”

     “Oh, God…”

     “Stephen, honey, you were on the table for eleven hours. No one could have done better.”

     He swallowed the sandpaper in his throat and turned his head as much as he could to look directly at Tony.

     “I could have done better.”

     It was the truth and they all knew it.

     Christine excused herself and Tony squeezed his thigh tenderly.

     “Baby, I promise I’ll find a way to fix this.”

     Stephen drained every penny to his name on experimental treatments, more surgeries, and multiple therapies. Tony devoted his entire R&D department to it.

     Neither of them were successful.

     Neither of them stopped trying.

     No atmosphere control.

     No artificial gravity.

     No temperature regulation.

     There was very little difference between the inside of the ship and the vacuum of space outside. It was eerie and quiet enough that his own heartbeat seemed deafening. A simple spell was cast for a ball of light and it hovered over him as he walked, illuminated the darkness in a soft bluish glow. Anything that hadn’t been strapped down floated motionless until he pushed it from his path. Stephen knew there was no use actually searching the ship. There was only one logical place to look.

     Stephen headed for the cockpit.

     Stephen lost count of how many times they had done this now. It seemed inevitable they would attend the same galas, charity events, science and technology conventions, or award ceremonies. He watched Tony grow into his new CEO role under the guidance of Stane, a man who rubbed him in all the wrong ways. Stephen watched him evolve a mask for the media and public and delighted when it was taken off just for him.

    They would disappear to storage closets, bathrooms, and empty offices at first. Eventually, Stephen started going home with him, started staying the night.

     He looked over to Tony’s sleeping face beside him and felt a smile tug at his lips. Manhattan’s night time glow fell upon him through the huge windows of his penthouse suite—one he had been frequenting more often than his actual home in Malibu. He was soft like this, all his burdens and stress and sorrows suspended for a few blessed hours. The tension had long ago drained from his every atom, Stephen more than happy to take and take and take until Tony was spent. His hair was a mess, lips parted slightly for deep and slow breaths, face half smashed into the pillow he hugged, and his neck and shoulders covered in Stephen’s claim. No matter how many times he saw Tony Stark raw and vulnerable like this, it made his stomach flutter and heart forget a beat or two.

     “I think I love you,” Stephen whispered and finally closed his eyes to drift to sleep with a warmth inside his heart.

     Never had silence been so deafening as it was for him then. It was not like other silences which were, rather, lack of one dominant sound yet still enough small noises to fill the void. No, this was a true, total and complete silence. His blood rushed in his ears, his heart beat so loud he was sure the Guardians could hear it on their ship, and his every breath came in like the angry wind before a storm. It was disorientating to hear the basic workings of your own body, and just one of the many reasons Stephen liked to avoid actual space.

     He rounded the doorway, telling himself he was ready while knowing he wasn’t.

     The light from the orb increased, slowly pushing darkness back into the emptiness of space.

     Stephen’s chest tightened, the weight of his sorrow crushing so hard he was almost positive it would collapse into the black hole it felt like. Strapped in one of the pilot’s seats, Tony Stark sat motionless, suspended in time.

     Space was, at least, merciful in death.

     Cold numbness ate Stephen away at his very core. He didn’t even feel himself take reluctant steps closer.

     Tony was pale, his lips and fingertips tinged with blue and eyes shut. His head leaned to the side, pillowed by the chair’s headrest. Too skinny, even with the subtle swell of what little water had been left in his body trying to escape before it froze. He looked so peaceful, Stephen could almost pretend he was simply asleep.

     Almost.

     Cradled beneath his arm was the damaged remains of his helmet; the source of the distress call if he had to guess. Inside, a faint red light glowed on and off. Odd that Tony wouldn’t have shut it down once he knew the inevitable. Carefully, Stephen worked it out of the frozen grip of his would-be husband, his entire self functioning on autopilot to the point he barely knew if he was still in his physical body. A bit of magic was given to the nanite helmet, warming it just enough for its circuitry to function without the risk of failing under such extreme cold. The eyes flickered a few times, stayed on, then projected into the empty space of the cockpit.

[yasuda-yoshiya]

im so glad you decided to give utena a go! it's my favourite anime and there truly isn't any wrong interpretation of the events, themes, and characters. what are your thoughts on the individual student council members? as well as the black rose duelists, and the black rose arc itself? that part of the series always struck me as very important in the elaboration of themes that are important for the rest, even if its 'filler', lmao. and im glad you liked utena as well!

Utena is great! I’m very glad to have watched it. And I know what you mean about interpretations, haha; I’ve been looking up a lot of people’s meta and analysis about it since I finished watching it, and people really do approach it from so many different cool and interesting ways. I think it’s a really cleverly presented show in the sense that it doesn’t really directly push any particular lesson or moral to the story; it just sort of very accurately observes and portrays a lot of really relatable and recognisable social dynamics, and lets the viewer decide for themselves what they want to take from that. I really like it a lot!

Haha, gosh, that’s a lot of characters to cover! Well, let’s see how quickly I can sum them up… For the student council members, I really liked Saionji; I think they did a good job at balancing the portrayal of his sweet and childish side with his capacity for genuine ugliness when his insecurities cause him to lash out at people. He came across to me as someone who really did want a genuinely mutual emotional connection rather than just “possessing” someone (that exchange diary was very endearing in its ridiculousness) but didn’t really know how to go about that except by clumsily forcing it on people, which feels like a pretty relatable teenager thing.

Then there’s Miki…I felt like his fixation on his memories of Kozue and later Anthy as his “shining thing” was a pretty good portrayal of how idolising and putting people on a pedestal can also be its own way of dehumanising them, and I thought his episodes did a good job of showing how those sorts of feelings can easily get diverted into something ugly despite him being a basically gentle kid at heart. I wasn’t quite sure what to make about the stuff with his parents, exactly, and I felt like the whole plotline with Kozue was a bit all over the place, but I still basically appreciate the core of the character and what he adds to the series.

Juri was interesting! Her bitterness over Shiori felt like a pretty authentic and recognisable emotion to me; it’s certainly a very uncomfortable situation as a teenager to be in that position of having feelings for someone you know you’re not “supposed” to, and then having to put up with people giving you those empty platitudes of “oh, if you like someone then you should just tell them!!” without any real understanding of the situation. I thought her relationship with Shiori was pretty compelling in how messed up and dysfunctional it ended up being on both ends, but then her last couple of episodes with Ruka really didn’t do anything for me; it felt to me like he ended up sort of hijacking her plotline in a weirdly offputting way, so I wasn’t quite sure how to feel about it in the end. I still like the character, but I felt like her overall arc had potential to be more interesting to me than it was.

Touga…I didn’t really like Touga very much! He honestly just came across as a very consciously manipulative asshole for most of the series, and the show’s eventual attempts to humanise him felt like too little too late for me. I think I can somewhat see and appreciate the idea of what they were going for in terms of a lot of his gross attitudes being a misguided attempt to emulate people like Akio as role models for what a “prince” should be, and that he was also a victim and a pawn of the system in the end, but on the whole I was pretty much inclined to agree with Saionji when he said “you’ve never actually cared about anyone”. Even after Utena supposedly made him doubt himself, he still seemed to keep acting in the same gross ways for the most part, which I guess was probably meant as an intentional deconstruction of the usual tropes in some respects (falling in love doesn’t actually magically make you a better person), but that still doesn’t really make me like him any more!

Nanami was just hilarious, haha. I expected her to be a really grating character from her introduction, but her comic relief episodes were so completely over-the-top ridiculous that they sort of wrapped around to being weirdly endearing in their way, so I couldn’t really actively dislike her. I also couldn’t ever bring myself to actually take her seriously as a character at all, though; bizarre comedy episodes aside, she seemed like a pretty standard clingy brocon character without a whole lot of nuance. But at least she was a very entertaining one!

Oh yeah, the Black Rose arc was really important, I agree! I wouldn’t really say it felt like filler particularly - I suppose it’s true that Utena and Anthy don’t do much in it, but thematically I think it does add a huge amount, and I enjoyed the way it established Akio as a sort of “wise mentor” figure in the background before really putting him into the spotlight in the final arc. It sort of made me sort of instinctively want to trust him even despite him being really obviously shady, which in retrospect was a pretty impressively complicated feeling for the show to be able to pull off. But yeah, the arc itself was really interesting! I think it was definitely a really effective and thematically important choice to put the focus on the “losers” of the system, giving a voice to people you’d expect to be background characters and giving them the chance to fight for themselves. I know Ikuhara said the Black Rose arc was inspired by him hearing someone on TV say something like “society is divided into the chosen and the unchosen; to be unchosen is to die”, and wanting to explore the feelings of the “unchosen”, and I think it achieved that pretty well; a lot of the Black Rose Duelists’ stories were pretty insightful in criticising the narratives behind that sort of artificial social hierarchy and what it does to people.

I think what left the most impact about it to me, though, was that it just had such a strong atmosphere! Those elevator therapy sequences really managed to be legitimately creepy and disturbing; the juxtaposition of the duelists’ big emotional breakdowns with Mikage’s weirdly impersonal, deadpan, scripted response struck a very effectively unsettling note for me. And the Black Rose Duelists themselves had such a cool and memorable aesthetic, too…it always felt really striking to me whenever we got to see them dueling, probably because most of them really aren’t the kinds of characters you’d expect to be fighting (as opposed to most of the student council members who have established fencing and Kendo skills), so it sort of added to the impression of these people who wouldn’t normally have any power within the system being given a chance to fight. So yes, on the whole I think it’s a really cool arc, with a really fantastic presentation in particular.

As for impressions on each of the Black Rose Duelists individually, hmm, let’s see…Kanae was a good enough introduction to the concept, but didn’t really leave that much impression. I felt bad for her being used by Akio, but she didn’t really get enough screentime for me to get invested. Kozue…I think Kozue never really clicked for me, honestly? Her being so creepily possessive of Miki was sort of offputting to me (this show already has enough incest, you know…?), and I felt like I couldn’t really get a good feel for her character or what drove her on anything more than an abstract level.

Shiori was really interesting! There was a compelling sort of raw desperation behind her panicked, uncomprehending response to finding Juri’s locket that really stuck with me; it’s sort of an ugly reaction but it honestly felt pretty sympathetic to me, I think? Like, if on the one hand your former best friend is totally off-handedly dismissing your attempts to reach out and make amends with her in person and acting like she never wants to see you again, but at the same time you find out she’s also secretly treasuring an old picture of you as her most prized possession and keeping it on her at all times…well, that IS actually pretty weird, you know?! I think most people would be at least a little creeped out by that. So Shiori’s kind of totally confused panic response and weird mix of vindicated elation and anger culminating in that accusing shout of “WHY DO YOU LOOK AT ME THAT WAY?!” honestly felt pretty real to me. I felt like they did a good job of conveying a real constant sense of deep-rooted self-loathing behind her more selfish and manipulative actions that made it hard for me not to feel sorry for her a lot of the time; it seemed to me like she was stuck in a sort of toxic cycle of trying to escape her low self-esteem by “deceiving people into liking her”, which inevitably just made her feel even worse about herself and just fed deeper into the initial assumption that no one would like her unless she deceived them, and so on, which was really painful to watch. I’m not surprised that she seems to evoke such visceral emotional responses from people within the fandom, because I think a lot of what she says and does really feels uncomfortably raw and real in a way that’s difficult to process. She’s a very good character in that way!

Tsuwabuki…well, he didn’t particularly grab me as a character, but I did actually enjoy his Black Rose episode quite a bit. I feel like it makes for a pretty strong illustration of just how little coherent and accessible information there really is out there for young kids trying to understand what sexuality and relationships are like, so it’s easy for people to end up turning to dubious sources and developing weird and messed up ideas about how things work and what “adulthood” actually means. It’s really no wonder that our whole cultural standards around that stuff have become so screwed up and dysfunctional when no one’s even really willing to talk about it.

Wakaba was great! I liked her a lot. She was a genuinely good friend to Utena and a good illustration of the unappreciated strength and value of “normal people”. The end of her arc with Saionji honestly made me really sad! I sort of wish there was a little bit more follow-up after her duel with Utena, though; I would have liked it if the whole thing had a bit more of a lasting impact on Wakaba and how Utena viewed her and their friendship, but it didn’t feel like that ever really happened, so her subplot felt a bit…unresolved, I guess? Well, I think it’s probably intentional that most of the characters besides Utena and Anthy don’t really get a firm “resolution” to their arcs - the potential for growth is there, but they still haven’t broken out of their shells yet, which is fine - but I think I would have at least liked to see her take a few more steps toward being able to see her own worth without needing someone “special” to validate her. (Akio can get lost with his whole “oh normal people only ever get to shine for a short time lol” nonsense, urrgghh.)

I liked Keiko too! Devoting a whole episode to a previously nameless bit character like that was a really cool way of hammering home the whole theme of breaking down the conventional assumptions behind social “hierarchies” even on a meta/narrative level. Keiko herself was interesting to me in the sense that her grievances and anger at having her chance at happiness “denied to her” when she’s no less deserving than anyone else actually felt legit sympathetic at first in isolation, but then you look at the unspoken assumptions framing that narrative and it suddenly becomes really disturbing (this person would make me happy, everyone deserves happiness, therefore I deserve this person).

Mikage…man, I really wanted to like Mikage - the basic ideas behind his character are really cool and fascinating - but I think his arc just felt too rushed for me in the end? It felt like we basically got dumped with his entire plot and backstory immediately before it got resolved, so I didn’t really have time to get emotionally invested in his story before it was already over. Revealing midway that half of his backstory was probably a lie didn’t exactly help things either, as I was left struggling to keep up with what was actually real and what wasn’t; I still don’t feel like I really have a handle on some of the basic points like why he actually set the building on fire or when exactly Mamiya died, which makes it hard for me to really connect with the character and understand what exactly he got out of the illusionary narrative that Akio constructed for him. Theoretically I feel like he should really be exactly the kind of character I absolutely love - someone detached from their own emotions who doubts their basic humanity, who keeps clinging single-mindedly on to his memories of the only people who ever made him actually feel something even after they’re long gone? Wow, sign me up - but the execution just didn’t quite do it for me. I feel like his story might have benefited from being more spread out across the whole Black Rose arc instead of shoved entirely into two episodes, so that we got more of a chance to get more gradually invested in him? As it is, I still think he’s a conceptually fascinating character, and I’ve read a lot of great meta about his place in the story and his parallels with Utena that makes him sound incredibly interesting, but I just couldn’t really feel it from the show itself.

Wow okay I sure did write a lot! Well, that’s my initial impressions on the Utena characters. I expect a lot of those impressions would change if I watched it again, though - like I said, I don’t think I really fully grasped the real aims and themes of the show until the very end, so I’d probably pick up on a lot more nuances a second time around. But those are my thoughts for now!

[ahkaraii]

oh gosh i love your meta, now i have to ask your opinion about Kakashi, im fascinated by his trauma and how he dealt with it, which i think was a bad way, but still interesting. What do you think about him and his role? about his time as Hokage?

Okay, let me first start by saying: I love Kakashi. I love him a toooon, and I will happily draw a thousand comic strips with him as main character because I find him fascinating. But my love for him does not preclude the fact that Kakashi is not a “morally good” man, and probably would never become one unprompted.

First: he is a shinobi, and all that it entails - a professional killer, a man loyal to a fascist-like system, who will die to protect its ideals. He is a product of this system and will dutifully perpetuate it (unless someone he admires proposes a different solution, cough, Naruto, this is where you come in).

Second: his internal ‘moral code’ is incredibly inconsistent over his life because Kakashi doesn’t objectively know what is good or bad -- as a child he used to think his father was Good but then it turned out his dad was Bad, and that set the stage for his ongoing anxiety about not knowing what is Right or Wrong. (It also didn’t help that he was a child soldier at age five, dear lord). What Kakashi does know is what is valuable and valued in the shinobi system, and later, what was valuable and valued by important figures in his life that have died. Everything that falls outside of this is deemed “Trash” or simply “Unimportant”.

Third: Kakashi is a very psychologically fragile guy. He suffers from anxiety, depression, and depersonalization, to name a few symptoms. The resulting mess is what appears to be a schizoid personality with an underlying anxiety disorder that manifests through ritualistic OCD-like behavior.

Kakashi likes rules, he likes order, he likes knowing exactly what is going to happen. That’s why he reads the same silly novel a gazillion times, why he clings to a dead boy’s moral code -- the dead can’t change their minds and change the rules on him, and the novel’s ending is already written, it can’t be retconned on him. It gives him mental stability in a very inconsistent and threatening world that has pulled the rug on him too many times for him to ever be able to trust the solidity of the ground below him.

As an adolescent he had symptoms of anxiety-induced OCD -- cleaning his hands over and over comes to mind. He visits the graves of his dead for hours and hours without fail. He always wears his mask, come rain sleet or snow.

So it seems that in order to be sane he needs a schedule, he needs things to be the same or at least predictable. Missions are easy. What is the objective? How am I going to accomplish it? Mission complete. Come home. Rinse and repeat. He is at his most emotionally stable living a very predictable and ritualistic lifestyle. The rest is Trash and Unimportant.

This has remarkably translated to him being a very good shinobi, because the ideal shinobi is a kunai always ready to be drawn, that self-sharpens, that flies true and hits the mark you intended to hit. Kakashi can do that. He knows exactly what he needs to do to be just that, and that brings him peace. Perhaps not tranquillity, or happiness, but certainly a mental blankness that is absent of emotional pain, which is superior to what he feels when he’s not on a mission. His moral code before Obito is thus: the Shinobi Rules are Law, and following that strictly kept him content, because he knew that was Good.

Indeed, had Obito not died as he did, Kakashi would have placidly continued being a phenomenal rule-following shinobi. He would have made one HELL of a good ROOT agent, likely succeeded Danzo and carried on being the epitome of the darkness of a shinobi without batting an eyelid. Killing kids, burning people’s livelihoods, sabotaging peace efforts--all Good because I was ordered to and I Am Following The Rules and that is Good. But the fact of the matter is Obito DID die, and told Kakashi that the shinobi rules were Trash because Comrades Are More Important, which shattered Kakashi’s careful rules and order. So, to reduce the anxiety resulting from this loss of structure, Kakashi rearranged his moral code around Obito’s last words and carried on.

Then Obito turns out to be the bad guy. Whoops! A panel later, Kakashi now re-organizes himself to follow Naruto’s ideals instead.

What is consistent across all this? Kakashi, fundamentally, has no idea what is morally good or bad. He is full of anxiety and that anxiety is only relieved by following a set structure, a set of behaviours that can be operationally defined and followed to the letter, behaviors that produce a predictable result. If Kakashi arrives late, people will yell “you’re late!” If Kakashi pulls out his book in public, people will yell “what a weird pervert!” He assumes all these facades because they produce predictable results that comfort him in how predictable they are.

So -- all that psychological preamble aside, would Kakashi make a good Hokage?

From what I've seen (at a glance =_=) in Boruto, he is the one that helps Konoha transition from a technologically deficient village to a highly technological one. The reconstruction efforts are immense, and the city triples in size, but I don't see that many shinobi running around, so presumably the civilian:shinobi ratio has exponentially increased. Interesting to think about. I still don't know how their economy works, lmao, but whatever Kakashi did seemed to have worked and worked quite well. So that’s canon for you.

But, ignoring that sequel, because I really don't care to follow it or incorporate it into my personal headcanon, I think Kakashi would actually make for a pretty lousy Hokage, hahaha.

Kakashi is better suited to be what I’ve now taken to calling the “Shadow Hokage” -- the force behind the "Light" Hokage, as it were. Think about this: he could’ve made a phenomenal ROOT leader. In fact, he was an ANBU commander for quite a while, and he was universally acknowledged as being really good at it, both at completing missions and getting his comrades back alive. What an efficient ninja! His mission success rate combined with his minimal waste of human resources = A++ shinobi, sir!

Why not a “Light Hokage”? Well, beyond Kakashi’s “I never abandon my comrades” speech, he has very few words of wisdom to impart to impressionable youth. He can hardly communicate with fellow shinobi, how the heck do you expect him to communicate with civilians? With the daimyo? Oh, he can do it -- we saw with Yamato and Naruto and the Raikage that he is capable of bowing and talking formally, yadda yadda -- but that is not Kakashi’s strength. Why would you ever force this socially-impaired, languid-as-fuck schizoid disaster into a public, political position??? Dear lord.

He’s better suited to sticking to the shadows, imo. He can and has made the tough decisions, the cold, heartless, friend-killer decisions for the good of Konoha, even having Obito’s code eating away at him. But squatting with baby Academy students and accepting flower crowns a-la Hiruzen is just...not a thing I can see him doing for years and years with enough feeling to convince anyone he means it. He was -- quite objectively, I’d argue -- a spectacularly BAD jonin-sensei when it was just three little kids looking up to him. Imagine an entire village of children looking up to this guy, their new Cult Of Personality To Aspire To. Rip kids.

I’d much rather have Kakashi as someone below the Hokage, who takes orders from someone who wants to change the shinobi system. Have Kakashi take up the mantle of jonin-commander, if ROOT is no longer a thing. Use his keen intelligence to suggest strategies on how to allocate resources, which people to recruit and which to discard, where everyone’s skills are best suited for, what areas need improvement, etc.

Finally, please give him therapy dogs and an enthusiastic man in a wheelchair so he can ultimately retire in peace ;//u//;

[churailll94-blog]

after thoughts

Emotions have been a roller coaster. There’s times where I forget it, briefly. And then it’s usually followed by a pang of anger, especially at the fact that he said he wasn’t sure what “we” were. Talking everyday for 6 months. Flirting, sexting, facetiming, texting, good mornings and goodnights. --- Did that just mean nothing to him, did I mean nothing to him? 

Whenever that thought comes to my mind, I feel my stomach twisting, nauseous. I start to sob and sometimes make myself stop, if it starts, it’s hard to control that raw emotion. It’s not like i plan when I let myself feel pain. It’s just kinda there. It’s there when I’m talking to friends, or sitting at the dinner table with family or in class taking notes. --- It won’t leave me alone.

I can’t help but think I’m making a grave mistake by not taking him out of my life. I do not want to be an idiot. But I also can’t imagine the thought of him gone. I’m confused, lost. I wish he were just here, in front of me, so I could deal with it all. It’s always been those first couple months that kept me going, even when he made me feel stupid for caring, it was like the best high that I’ve ever had, and I don’t want it to go away.

It’s hard to focus, more than usual lately. I never told him, but my depression and anxiety had been getting worse for a while. I was thinking about going back to therapy, even drove there twice, but didn’t go in. Everyday last week it was hard to get out of bed, hard to go to classes, and this was all before he told me. --- It’s like he kicked me when I was already down. 

I actually wish he never told me. I wish this was just another one of my realistic nightmares. I think about some of our recent conversations, I told him, “don't make me feel stupid”, “just remind me that you care, that you’re here for me” he knew what I was dealing with lately. --- I just wish it never happened. 

I look at all these stupid screenshots I took to send him, ones I forgot about, and I realize I can’t send them to him anymore. I re-read our entire fb conversation today. The first thing he sent me was a picture of him, with the words “hi” on his lips. I still remember that day, he was working in his pale blue button up, I think he told me he went to the mall. Sent me a bunch of funny/cute snapchats that day. It’s always been one of my favorite pictures, his eyes say a lot in it, if you saw it you’d know. 

The scary thing to me is, there were red flags, and I willingly ignored them. I made excuses, something that I promised myself I wouldn’t. It’s just he seemed so genuine, and that’s so hard to come by. Other guys in my past, I could tell they weren’t genuine, straight up. I felt like I could actually read him. When we talked over the phone about this all, he went on to say he was purposely hurting me to push me away. And I said I know. I fucking knew, I’m not stupid, I am stupid for not saying anything, but I could feel it. Why? I was in that boat before. He was more discreet about it, it was not replying to texts or phone calls, just ignoring them like they never happened. Or when I had opened up to him about something he would say something slight and them move on from that topic without a care. It’s now that i’m realizing these, and maybe I’m blowing them a bit more out of proportion, but I can’t help it. --- He knows about my fucking crippling anxiety, did he think it’s something I could just let go of or forgive and forget? 

That’s one thing I know in my heart, that I can forgive him, I haven’t yet, but I know I will. Even if I don’t want to, I know my heart will forgive him, because it still has love for him. But, I don’t know if I could forget this. I don’t know if that’s possible or when it will be. And I especially don’t know if he really knows how much this has affected me. ---I can’t even touch myself anymore without breaking down.

The mere thought of sex makes me nauseous. And it’s something I haven’t felt in a long time. This feeling brings back haunting memories, memories that I don’t think I ever wanted to bring back. Dark shit that I hadn’t even told him about. Scary shit that I didn’t EVER want to think about. People say scent has strong memory receptors, but physical feeling and familiar emotions bring back shit even harder. 

I don’t really know how to feel at the moment. I’ll go back to being pretty happy one moment, and then literally shivering with tears the next. We were talking about orgasms a couple hours before he told me. Two days before he “wired over a hug”, a week or two before that was an exchange of boobies and dick, 6 months of all that and now this. --- And now 3:13 AM, sitting here, and I wish he was just next to me.

I still remember our first conversation, him trying to be sly with a wizard of oz joke, it was actually kinda cute. I remember he basically sent me his resume, lmao. That was definitely a first, I loved that he wanted to show me his accomplishments, what his aspirations were. He always knew how much faith I had in his passions. I think it was this that really turned me on at first, and in those first few conversations, I began to work on my own approach towards life. I never really told him how motivating he was to me. Like he was ready to take life and give it his all and then some, and it made me want to do the same.

I wish he never stopped trying, I wish he put more value into this and I wish he never disrespected me. I spoke to his mom for a long while today, it was really nice, she’s such a sweet woman, and if me and him ever stopped just talking, I would miss our conversations immensely. She seems like someone who chooses to see the best in people, that’s something I admire. And she always brightens my mood somehow. 

Something that scares/hurts/angers me more than anything else is that after it happened, he acted as if nothing were wrong. Like, it didn’t phase him at all, picking up the phone and calling me, texting me goodnight, sending me silly pictures, having heartfelt conversations, telling me he was there for me, that he understands me, that he feels me. And all that while I’m in fucking lala land, thinking things are maybe getting fucking better. I was opening up more and more lately, talking about my family problems. Shit that i’ve never spoken to anyone about. If he could betray me like that and then smile at me, talk to me, laugh with me and send me hugs and kisses and good mornings and nights, then what else could he do. Do I really know him, can I trust anything else he’s said to me? 

I don’t fucking know what to believe or what to think. i wanna scream at him, like go full on psycho on him, but whenever he calls or messages, none of that is there anymore. And I don’t want him to THINK IM FUCKING OKAY WITH THIS, IM NOT OKAY, AT ALL, IM FUCKING BROKEN, AGAIN, AND IT’S HIS FUCKING FAULT, AND THAT’S FUCKING TEARING ME APART. ---And it gets to me when I least expect it. When I’m getting ready in the morning and I look up and there’s tears falling down my face. When Im walking to my car and my mind wanders to these dark thoughts. When i’m in bed trying to sleep, like I am now, and I can’t get it out of my mind. I wish I could just erase the past week out of my mind,     ---I wish it was that easy to not give a fuck about him.

Difficult conversations have always been somewhat easy for me and him. Our level of understanding and patience for each other is something I have always been grateful for. Individual growth is important before a couple can grow together. And I guess for me I just thought we’d be there for each other while focusing on our individual growth for now. ---Like actually be there. Why would he try to jeopardize that potential. There was always a level of uncertainty with us, but it’s not something I ever let get to me before, a little bit of uncertainty is good, it keep you on your toes. I’m tired of being disappointed, I really thought he would never hurt me. --- My faith has shattered and I’m struggling to get myself together again.

[gatasramblings]

My thoughts while watching AOS S4 EP22

SPOILERS! obviously

I hate that Fitz honestly thinks he's a bad person :(( 

 but maybe we'll be able to meet his Mom while she helps him through it ???    I'll try not to get my hopes up 

BLESS ROBBIE IS BACK I LOVE HIM !! 

Can the Ghost Rider sense evil or is he like a homing pigeon for the darkhold?

He must be able to sense real people or something ??? Cause when he was fighting the robots he wasn't at all surprised when they turned out to be robots ????? he was just like  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Obviously Robbie feels some pain but like did punching a robot in the face not hurt at all ??? 

THAT JUMP WHIP THO THAT WAS SMOOTH HOMIE                                                                             IM SO G A Y 

the ghost rider must have been trying to get the darkhold for a while he seemed pretty intent on getting it

aw man they're trying to make Daisy and Robbie a couple, huh:/ *sigh*

ooh! ANOTHER hetero couple!!! After they make the only confirmed gay person disappear!!! how!!!  surprising!!!!!

*sighs* oh well, at least Robbie isn't another random white dude

the russian dude is 11027% done with Aida

oh that makes sense. The ghost rider is a homing pigeon for DARK MATTER gotcha

"hell is relative"

Robbie becomes the teacher ????

Ghost rider hates Aida as much as the entire fandom lmao

russian dude and other guy "we look fantastic" aida: *rolls eyes* "mEN"

also g A Y

YOYOS FACE IM GONNA CRY

HOPE NO ILL CRY PL S

W H Y WHAT DID THE INHUMANS DO TO DESERVE THIS

rip Talbot I guess? 

Robbie smASH!

"That all you got?" *gets shot at* "I maDe A mIsTAkE"

EWEWEWEWEW !!! Really Robbie??? the eyEBALL?!!

okay that transformation was lit

Coulson was so disappointed lmao

Inhuman racism

Coulson: "we need to use the darkhold as bait!" Robbie: *sighs* "wHITE PEOPLE"

May: "BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT BOTTLE OF HAIG"

Robbie smiling can I get an Amen? what a cutie

is he flirting smiling or just trying to reassure Daisy how he would with Gabe smiling?

wait what happened to Gabe??? Robbie was gone for quite a while was S.H.I.E.L.D paying bills and taking care of him???

OH NO YOYO 

OH NO HOPE

AIDA is CRAAAZZZYYY~

#Philinda5ever

stAY AWAY FROM MY BABY FITZ IMMA THROW DOWN MEET ME IN THE FRIKIN P I T AIDA

DONT K I S S HIM Y A  N A   S   T Y  

COULSON LOOKS SO COOL AS THE GHOST RIDER BLESS UP

BURN BABY BURN DISCO INFERNO ~

Fitz you are the kindest sweetest baby and you're welcome to feel bad about Aida dying because that's the kind of person you are but get over it cause she needed to die

rip Hope Mack and Yoyo im cryin

#MackxElena5ever

r IP HOPE IM SO SAD MACK NU BBY WHY

sad Daisy is sad

confused Robbie is confused

Robbie is so sweet I love him

TIS A MIRACLE W H I PP HE LIIIIVVVVEESSSS

everyones crying and Robbie is confoosled

Coulson: "jinkies that was spoopy"  

Robbie: "ikr" 

hush hush secrets between bffs Coulson and Robbie

MACK X ELENA 5 EVER

that Mack booty tho ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

when is Robbie ever gonna go home poor Gabe

"keep an eye on my brother" 

iF I DONT SEE ONE OR TWO MINI EPISODES/SPECIAL EPISODE WHERE THE GANG IS HANGING OUT AND TAKING CARE OF GABE IMMA FIGHT

Dr.Strange portals ?????????????

bY E DARKHOLD HOPE YOU NEVER COME BACK

rip Robbie ; - ; I wish you could stay longer than a few episodes

do Coulson and Robbie have a secret handshake now?

Robbie and Daisy: *flirtatiously nods at each other* "no homo"

THEEERRREEE HEEE GOOOEESSSS ~  ;~;

*suspicious May is suspicious*

fiTZ IM GONNA CRY P L E A   S  E  STOP BLAMING YOURSELF

*cue high school musical number* WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER EXCEPT FOR ROBBIE SCREW ROBBIE

family therapy (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧

pls hug

hUG HIM PLEASE WHY WONT YOU PEOPLE HUG

rip Radcliffe

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧ family dinner (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧

Elena stealing Mack's fry was so cute omg

MAY SMILED

P I E

"Annoyed and mildly inconvenienced family gets arrested during dinner"

welp that doesn't sound good

now Coulson's in space ??????????

the end.  

[foxgloveburning-inactive]

kayleigh “not so nice” oc asks

im doing all of them because i want to have fun and torture kayleigh (asks from here)

warning: it gets real fuckin dark fjdsfldsfhsf

trigger warnings: self harm, death, serious injury, graphic injury, car accidents, general angst and darkness

1. What is one word to shut them up?

“Stop.” you wanna dig right to her core AND trigger an explosive cocktail of anxiety and RSD in her head that she most likely won’t even tell you about?? just say “stop” in a very annoyed tone

2. What is the thing they feel the most guilty about?

she still regrets cutting contact with her sisters for a year after poison pop broke up the first time because she thinks she could’ve used their support during that time in her life, and they were all hurt by it

3. What is the worst pain they’ve ever experienced?

being trapped in the car right after she and blue wrecked, with multiple broken bones and a lot of other minor injuries

4. Describe their worst nightmare.

dying physically alone, in a way that no one even knows she’s dead

5. List 3 fears; one “surface level” fear, one “repressed” fear, and one “deep dark” fear.

drowning

everyone she loves forgetting her (and doing better for it)

and see above

6. What is something that never fails to make them feel sick?

people making suggestive comments about her/her sisters being in relationships with eachother

7. What feature (physical or otherwise) do they hate most about themselves?

despite healing from a lot of her insecurity surrounding it, she still doesn’t like her tendency to get angry/sad very easily

8. Do they have anything that triggers them?

flash cameras can send her into a panic attack if she’s not told abt it beforehand

9. What is their greatest physical weakness?

she is NOT strong lmaooo she can be agile but she is not very good at physical labor

10. What is their greatest mental weakness?

her need for validation, esp from the public

11. Do they have any vices?

she doesn’t drink or smoke but music........music things will get her (songwriting at 2am, buying maybe just too many instruments, etc, etc)

12. Have they ever done something illegal? What was it?

she stole a pack of chips and a coke from a gas station on a dare, she’s broken into a motel pool with friends, broken into a condemned abandoned house. she did a lot of dumb things when she was a teenager/young adult lmao

13. Which of the 7 Deadly Sins best describes them?

i don’t like this question so i’m not going to answer it! :D

14. Are they prone to outbursts (of violence, extreme emotion… exc… )?

she is indeed prone to being extremely emotional, usually anger or sadness, esp bc of her RSD, but she’s learned to manage it over the years

15. Who do they hate the most?

exploitative assholes in the music industry

16. Is there anyone who makes them feel inferior?

no one purposefully makes her feel inferior, but her anxiety/lack of self esteem tends to get to her when she starts comparing herself to her friends (esp when it comes to things that arent music)

17. What sound always gives them a headache?

bells ringing. they had a system in her house growing up where her mom would ring a bell whenever she wanted them to come down for a meal or to go somewhere etc because they had such a large family and going to everyone individually would be a pain

but bc of her exec dysfunction, sometimes she wouldn’t come down at the bell and her mom would just keep ringing it until someone came and got her

now the sound of a bell ringing continuously grates on her nerves more than anything else

18. Is there a certain flavor that disgusts them?

black licorice. everyone hates black licorice, yeah, but like. she has a PASSION for it

19. Do they consider themselves ugly?

she doesn’t think she’s supermodel attractive but she doesn’t think herself ugly either; at least, not anymore

20. Do they consider themselves unlovable?

when things get bad, she considers a lot of parts of herself unlovable, esp her emotions and personal issues, but nowadays she tends to be a little more confident in herself

21. What is something that causes them great anxiety?

fucking things up in conversation

22. Do they have any mental illnesses?

yes, multiple! adhd, anxiety, and depression, all diagnosed

(skipping two questions that involved sexual assault out of personal comfort)

25. Have they ever been betrayed by someone they thought they could trust?

in middle school, she had a group of friends who completely turned on her in seventh grade after she had a mental breakdown; they basically told her she had “too much baggage” for them and didn’t wanna deal with her anymore

26. Have they ever been seriously injured?

she was in a serious car accident in 2011 with blue, and ended up breaking her arm, her leg, and a couple ribs. thankfully she (and blue!) came out of it with no long term injuries. she’s been seriously injured before that but that was the worst

27. How many times have they been in the hospital?

quite a few times! she was a pretty rough-and-tumble kid and got a few bad cuts/injuries as a kid, then when her mental health got worse she was checked into the hospital once as a teenager and another time as an adult; then she got into the accident, which had her spending a lot of time in the hospital, mostly for physical therapy and making sure her injuries were healing properly

28. Is there a certain type of person that disgusts them?

see #15

29. Does what they cannot see scare them?

yes!

30. Have they ever been bullied?

yes, all throughout school she got bullied for being a nerdy kid, for being an alternative kid, and towards the end of highschool for being queer (despite not even being out to herself)

31. Do they have self-confidence or self-image issues?

abso-fuckin-lutely

32. Do they have a bad relationship with their parents?

nope! she loves her mom and dad quite a bit, and they love her too! she’s incredibly close with her family, and her parents were the ones who fuelled her passion for music

33. Have they ever been in a relationship that didn’t work out so well?

most of her relationships before blue ended badly (granted, there was only a few of them!)

34. Have they ever self harmed?

yes; she’s cut herself before, quite a bit, although most people don’t know that. pretty much just blue and her sisters and ryka know

35. If they could change one thing about themselves, what would it be?

she’s at a point where she understands that even her flaws are part of her, and she doesn’t really have the urge to change herself anymore

that being said? if she could have horns - like massive black demon horns, not those weird plastic surgery skin horns people get - she would have those

36. Are they in control of their emotions, or are their emotions in control of them?

she’s wrangled her emotions by now, but for most of her life, they controlled her

37. Have they ever had their freedom taken away?

not really?

38. Have they ever been imprisoned?

she spent a night in county jail for breaking into an abandoned house with her friends lol

39. Have they ever been accused of something they didn’t do?

her sisters would always blame petty shit on her when they were younger because she was the biggest troublemaker lol

40. Do they often blame themselves for other people’s problems?

she tries not to anymore, but she often takes responsibility for others’ emotional states

41. Do they get sick often?

not really!

42. Are they comfortable with where they are in life?

absolutely; she has a wonderful family, an awesome career, and general stability

43. Do they wish that they could change their pasts?

she tries to live on the “no regrets” philosophy, but there are definitely things she would do differently (the way the break-up happened, bottling up all her emotions all the time, not getting mental health care until her late 20s, etc)

44. What’s one thing they wish they could do more often, but can’t?

spend time with her family. the band makes her very busy and although she will often drop everything to do things with/for them, she still wishes she could be there more often

45. What is the emotion they most commonly experience?

contentment!

46. Have they ever contemplated suicide?

absolutely

47. Have they ever gone so far as to attempt suicide?

yes, twice; once when she was in college (which prompted her dropping out), and another time right after the break-up

48. Is there anyone that they would willingly kill?

no, she hates the idea of killing anyone at all

49. If [name] was put into ______ situation, they’d rather die than live to see it through.

if her kids were taken from her and placed into foster care. despite being an adopted kid herself, she knows that the foster care system is most often traumatizing and abusive for the kids in it and she’d rather die than see her kids go through that without a chance at helping them or getting them back