#then unblocked me to tell me how much my situation triggered her

[willowed-wisp]

the wedding of simon riley [ ghost ]

WARNINGs: mentions of abusive injuries, abusive domestic behaviour

Being in the SAS was a lonely practice, well, that’s how Simon Riley saw it. Though, his existence was one of violence and he didn’t want his family being dragged into another volatile situation or any other innocent soul.

That’s why he was alone, that’s why he didn’t date anyone and that wasn’t going to change. Until it did…

A shout, “He’s got my bag!” And he started running after the vandal, catching him quickly and with precision. Face mask up as was his hood. Racing steps behind him… and there you were, your hands scraped and tights ripped at the knees. “Thank you so much…” Your eyes sparkled almost at him, curious what your saviour’s face looked like.

He simply handed you the bag- you noticed gloves… not paying much attention, “It’s nothin’…” Gruff and unbending, you could tell then that he was a hard ass as he turned his back to you.

“Lemme get you a coffee or something?” The stranger’s head shook, walking away. His eyes a stark contrast when your hand wrapped his tattooed wrist. Almost as if it were a trigger point and you removed it as soon as you had touched him. “You didn’t have to get the bag… please let me get you a coffee, a tea… a vodka?” A teeny tiny smile beneath the mask.

That’s how you ended up in a tea shop, in completed silence. Was he trying to scare you off? Maybe but you happened to be very persuasive and chatty. His worst nightmare.

Finding out his name was Simon, and he was in the military. And he didn’t do well in social situations, or at least with you. Speaking enough to realise he didn’t have many acquaintances let alone friends. Probably of his own doing…

Taken aback when he asked to walk you home- to avoid anymore attempted muggings. Not normal for you to let someone do that but he didn’t have to return the bag. “This is me…” Pointing to the house, “Thank you for all your help, Si-,” Then your red door opened, revealing the familiar figure.

“You were gone longer than you said…” The tone was wasn’t one of worry or concern, Simon knew that feeling in his gut. But it was your life, and he was probably wrong. So he waved it off. “Who’s this, babe? He bothering you?” That instinct in Simon flaring more. Especially the crazed look in his eyes.

Until he looked to you; bubbly and extroverted while on your own, now a husk. Silent and woven inwards. That sparkle dimmed. “I got mugged… he got my purse back for me…” You couldn’t even reach Simon’s eye line. While fists clenched at your partner’s sides.

“She’s helpless, mate. I always clear up her messes, thanks,” Simon had never despised being patted on the shoulder as much as he did in that moment. But what had him more on edge was how he never noticed bruises on your wrists, and how forcibly your boyfriend held you around the shoulders and was leading you up the stone walkway to the normal house.

Hearing a shout and then a slap when that door closed. Simon had a choice… leave and pretend like you never existed… or what he did next.

Not bothering to knock, finding you on the floor- tears streaking down the face you held. Before gunning for your partner, a perfectly taken frame photo crashing to the wooden boards as his large frame smashed your partner into the wall. “I’ve met men like you before… you are going to pack a bag and leave Y/N alone…” That was until a small hand held Simon’s shoulder, his eyes softened.

“Dave, just leave… go to Chris’… just go…” You didn’t know if you’d had the strength to do that, but having a military man beside you made it easy as he held your partner against a wall. Then Simon dropped him, shattered glass at his palms. “I will call the police, David… I’ll deliver your shit to your mums.” Time slowed for you while moving too fast and David was gone. His car unblocked your driveway with music blaring down the street.

Managing to lock the door- letting out a sigh… Feeling drained, “Thank you…” Is all you mustered, before collapsing into a flood of tears. Trying to splutter out an apology, but this relative stranger just stroked your hair letting you lean against him. Thoughts racing, never finding a moments peace in four years of being with him. But able to find a speck of hope in a man you had only met about four hours ago… “You can go, you’ve done more than enough good deeds for the day…”

Standing up from the sofa, heading through to the kitchen. The kettle clicked, Simon was impressed you didn’t pick yourself on the vodka you’d offered him earlier in the day. Instead he found you, elbows finding balance on the countertop.

You asked him to the stay in the house- maybe trauma clouded your judgement. You slept in the guest bedroom, not capable of blocking out the atrocities that occurred in your own. With a stranger downstairs.

When you woke up, the glass had been clean up and the smell of breakfast wafted. Mask still covering his nose and lips. “I thought you’d have left. You didn’t have to cook, bless your heart…”

Something knocked Simon from his daydream. The only face he wanted to see on the daily right in front of him. Forgetting where he was for a split second, his hands holding your tiny ones in comparison. “Simon Riley, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?” Part of him focused that his Captain was officiating his wedding, while all of him focused on you. The woman he hadn’t left, the person who had remained loyal to him when he came home bloodied and dirty.

Every second of each mission, he wished he could have you in his arms. Even when you weren’t his to hold. Fearing that you’d have forgotten about him in two months, only for you to turn up at his apartment with some chocolate and a ‘welcome home’ card.

Each and every time he returned back in British soil.

You didn’t complain about the terrors he shouted at in his nightmares- holding him when the muttering started and pulling him awake. Never judging him for the pills he swallowed to balance him out again. Simon looked down on himself while you only ever looked up to him.

No attempt to lift the mask until he did it himself. You’d been friends after that first incident for two years until you made the move. And six months after you were stood at the alter in front of not even ten people.

The people he felt comfortable with: his squad members, his mum, his brother and sister in law… whatever family you were close with enough to know what laid under that mask; a cheeky grin whenever he taunted you or… did other things to you…

There would be no announcement in the local newsletter on marriages and funeral directories, no posts on social media. But you knew that when met him… nothing high-key.

With all that in mind, you looking angelic… just wanting to kiss you… “I do.” And before Price could speak, his lips were on yours. Cheering from your nearest and dearest. His hands held your growing stomach, holding his future.

“I love you,” Foreheads together, smiling while you knew Johnny was taking cheeky snaps of you two. “Mrs Riley…”

————

masterlist

[poisonheart]

The College Incident & the Tea~

I thought it would be best to organize my thoughts in a separate post after a lovely exchange with @trashlie about I Love Yoo ep. 219. You'll find the original post here and can check out the reblogs.

We were talking about Kousuke's "college incident" and the possibility of the events at the formal being a parallel to what happened back then and how Yui could have had in hand in the college incident too, especially given she was the mastermind of the formal circus.

In episode 114, Yujing picked up Shin Ae from school to ask about what she remembered of the events at the formal. By this point, Rand had asked her to do an interview with Nol (although we don't clearly know what either plan to do with this in the immediate future.)

When Yujing saw Shin Ae struggled with remembering she told her she understood how hard it is, to which Shin Ae asked if she had gone through something similar. Yujing responded:

"I'm lucky I never have. But someone close to me back in college has gone through something similar. The experience is not something I would wish upon my enemies."

The memory is enough to make someone like Yujing need a breather, so she stepped out. While there, she gets a call from Kousuke.

Quimchee is usually very intentional with her transitions, so we can deduce that Kousuke might have been involved in this incident that happened to Yujing's friend.

There have been two theories revolving this ordeal

[It has been revealed that Kousuke is the person "Yujing admired and lost faith in."]

Kousuke was the friend who got drugged.

Kousuke was involved with the friend who got drugged.

Yujing losing faith in Kousuke could be because he lacks a backbone; we have seen how disappointed she is by him when he shows no signs of growth.

After all, the Kousuke Yujing remembers from the college days is a young man who easily caved under pressure; he got that earring presumably because he was taunted into doing so.

But losing faith in him could also be due to his response to that thing that happened with her friend—regardless if he was directly involved or things happened as a consequence of his involvement.

Here is where Yui potentially comes in.

Having her most priceless pawn derailed from the purpose she built for him would make her jump into action, in her very Yui way.

Perhaps telling him to abandon his friends and remember the goal wasn't enough.

Having a taste of freedom after a lifetime of manipulation would be addictive. He was young—keep in mind Kousuke graduated high school at 14 and set off to college. He might have even considered a different life after surrounding himself with others who had their own goals and dreams.

Of course, there is a possibility Yui wasn't involved. Maybe what she did to "bring Kousuke back" was allow Nol to return from the mental institution where he was locked away (though it is also likely Nol was set free by Rand's efforts.)

Nol has always pushed Kousuke to act according to Yui's plans since he's the disappointment that Kousuke fears (ep. 209 & 212.)

For the sake of fun, let's consider the possibility that Yui was involved by taking the formal as supporting clues to this theory.

When I revisited these episodes, I found some interesting things that now give the entire event a different vibe.

Kousuke's response back then didn't make much sense to me. By this point, he didn't know Sang Chul had potentially drugged Shin Ae.

His response seems extra because at surface this should be a very harmless situation. Shin Ae got tipsy and needed to rest.

Either Kousuke is aware of Sang Chul's antics or some memory got triggered by this situation. It's concerning enough that he unblocks Meg [who had tried to tell him something about Shin Ae's safety but he understandably blew off since she's done nothing but harass him.]

[Side note: I actually do not blame Kousuke's response to Meg. I know Quim did not intend for her to come off this way, but a lot of victims of SA did not appreciate her stalking and touching Kousuke in ways or places he didn't consent or want to be touched. I actually don't like the fandom's dismissive attitude toward this.]

When he finally touches base with Meg and Nol, he learns that there was a conversation between Sang Chul and his mother about a deal and that now Shin Ae is ill and with the creep.

This isn't a shocked face but rather a concerned one. But why? This is something that borders slander on his mother...

Now Kousuke is concerned about Shin Ae because it's no longer just a drunken situation—it's potentially worse. (Perhaps even familiar...)

He recognized that she was under the influence of something else. So he asks about Sang Chul. At this point, what Meg said added up.

You have to wonder if he is trying to help because it's the right thing to do or to make up for perhaps not acting accordingly before.

We've seen that Kousuke doesn't often act if it isn't in his interest or if it's a bother; he's very pragmatic with his time and doesn't operate by thinking of others.

So why has Yui planned this kind of scenario?

Why does Kousuke not hesitate to believe she's behind it all?

This isn't some "harmless, but embarrassing meddling" as he could chalk up his birthday fiasco. This is criminal. And Shin Ae is a minor.

Back then, I thought it was bizarre that he would straight up accuse his mother without a shadow of a doubt. We didn't have information about Yujing or knew about another victim of a similar situation that was somehow tangled up in Kousuke's college timeline.

It never made sense that he would so quickly and readily believe that Yui was a part of the whole drugging mess if he didn't have a previous reference. So many people downplay this incident because there was comedy in many of the moments—like Shin Ae biting her arm, or her wig getting pulled off, but this was actually a very serious, traumatic event. One that Nol is going to jail for.

So how much does Kousuke know?

If Yui did something similar in the past, and he knew about it, did he cover up for his mother? Is that why Yujing was disappointed?

And you have to ask yourself why Yujing is so personally invested in unmasking Yui. I doubt it's purely professional satisfaction or even to repay Rand's favor.

(Also what terrible situation did Rand help her out of? Is it related to her friend? Is it something else?)

I always found it strange that Kousuke stayed with Shin Ae at the hospital. It just seemed so out of character for him, but a lot of what we now know makes it click.

Kousuke is aware of who his mother is. He may not see how she has manipulated him and distorted his world, but I believe he is aware of the kind of person she is. He's always known.

Does he struggle with a sense of loyalty? She is his mother, after all. She's the one who has always been on his side and proven herself an ally in reaching his goals.

This is why I have hope for him despite ep. 220.

I think he will slowly start to see the world for what it actually is and assess how his mother was warped it.

Was he at the hospital with Shin Ae because he felt guilty? Was he trying to atone for his mother's meddling?

Was he in a similar situation? Does he remember it?

Did someone try taking advantage of him while he was intoxicated?

(There have been so many times where Kousuke shows discomfort with being touched. He uses his bangs to hide his face so women will leave him alone. He even uses makeup remover as a weapon. All the things that were seemingly for comedic effect could hint at a deeper issue that we dismissed.)

A friend of mine said Yui's weapon of choice was "drugging people" when she wasn't gaslighting.

Considering that famous tea (that perhaps Nol was forced to drink, given she purposefully chose to have it served for him while he was waiting for Alyssa in the cold) we can assume she's drugged people with it if turns out to be some trademark of hers.

[Even Quim admitted there's "a lot of tea in the tea."]

As was briefly touched upon in all the reblogs with Trashlie, there is even a wilder possibility to consider; she laced Kousuke's desserts with medications (anxiolytics, etc.) to help calm a kid that was prone to outbursts as consequences of Yui's manipulation that fed severe instances of paranoia and suspicion.

[Sugar never helped calm a child in my experience, so it makes sense this theory made it out there no matter how wild it seems...]

A comment from a Discord chat:

There is a theory proposed recently (to me—I hadn't been part of any theory discussions previously) that Yui drugged both brothers on the night of the "fight" and that Yui attacked Nol while pretending to be Kousuke or vice versa.

Quimchee often emphasizes that the character's memories aren't 100% accurate. We always thought this was just normal "we don't always remember things as they were but how we felt" but perhaps it's due to these external factors for some of the characters like Nol and Kousuke.

"What if Nol was manipulated into believing he was worse than he was through medication and psychological manipulation?" is a very interesting question posed today in a friend group chat.

Even if Yui wasn't involved in the College Incident, Kousuke is very protective of the information around that ordeal. His world began to unravel quickly the moment Yujing stepped into the picture and brought it all back to the forefront of his mind.

He declined really fast from here.

Someday, people will know he's not a gentleman—they'll know who he really is. But who is Kousuke? This is a question we've seen come up a lot, down to the most recent episodes. Life is simply unwilling to stop asking Kousuke "who are you really?"

Though we have no way of knowing if the words swirling around Yujing were ever said to Kousuke or projected by his paranoia, one thing is certain: he is not who he presents.

Was the college event that shook him multi-layered?

Was it more than just the incident with Yujing's friend?

More than Kousuke ditching his friends to pursue "his goals?"

What would Yujing know about it all that Hansuke doesn't?

His reaction shows us there is more to the past than even his cousin knows and that's saying a lot.

And why, if Kousuke had done something terrible, is he not really part of Yujing's big story? Why is Yui the focus?

It's almost impossible to discard the theory that Yui was involved, but only time will tell if we're right or not.

Having an adverse event buried by his mother might be another parallel with Alyssa.

It's hypothesized the Cho's paid to bury the middle school incident.

After all, the Cho's were affluent, yet suddenly they berate Meg for changing majors and wasting money?

[Of course there are other possibilities; gambling father, failed business, getting fired/demoted, etc.]

Financial struggles could explain why Alyssa chose to become an idol; it's a quick way to earn a good chunk of money and help get out of the rut, especially if it's because they got to that state "because of her" (and what happened in middle school.)

Going back to read is always so much fun with ILY because a lot of things start to make more sense or take on new meaning with the new things we've uncovered as the story progresses.

[cathyparrlyn]

A warning to Tumblr and Discord users in the Six and WATT fandoms

Tw for stalking, guilt tripping, deception, suicide, death threats, and hate anons.

In the beginning of summer, there was an incident that showed the true colors of some of my former friends, especially one who has proven themself to be hostile and dangerous multiple times. I stayed quiet about this for a while as I wanted to forget the drama and the pain they caused me and my friends, but recently I’ve found out that they have continued to hurt many of my friends, claim a minor who was a victim of the situation had attacked them, and more. Because of such dangers, and because these people are present in both the Six and WATT fandoms, my friends and I found it necessary that we share this story as a warning to others.

On May 11, the Parrlyn Discord server was created. I, being an acquaintance of the server owner, was one of the server’s mods who would talk to everyone and work with the owner to make it a safer place. This server ended up being how I first became close with the person who caused so much drama: @Chess-exists (Chess).

Chess and I would talk on both the Parrlyn server and dms, and I soon joined other servers at their request. We considered each other friends, but they also set off many red flags. Some of the major of these being Chess lying about hacking into the Sixcord and deleting the server because “all the mods hated them”, claiming they can cry when ready and wanting to pretend someone on the Parrlyn server was dead to prank another person on the server.

In mid-June the Parrlyn Discord faced the 3rd big incident that has happened on the server. Someone jokingly entered under Moan-Jeutas’s (Lizzie’s) username, said “I’m 12, don’t attack me !!” and left when they noticed people were beginning to panic.

I was offline whilst this happened, and when I came online shortly afterward I found a few people panicked. Instantly, I was asked by multiple people to call them. I texted some of them while going on call with a friend of mine who is a young minor, @lakes-other-sixes (aka Lake), who was crying. I was then informed by Lake that they knew who had entered the server with Lizzie’s username. At the same time, a friend outside of the server had confessed to me through DM about being behind the Lizzie account along with one other person. They profusely apologized and explained what had happened.

Although my friend had made a mistake, I would like to give context of why they ever thought of the joke in the first place. When they were temporarily on the Parrlyn Discord, it was just starting out, with about ten people including us and nobody who had admitted to being triggered by Lizzie’s writing.

This friend and I constantly talked about Parrlyn fics together, and one of the things we mentioned was Lizzie’s Carrie AU and how I would have liked to talk to her about it but didn’t want to bother her as she disliked the ship. The friend and I had both been going through personal issues at the time, I will openly state that mine was how my uncle died not even two weeks before this happened, and they thought a small joke could cheer us both up.

So this friend and another person thought it would only be an innocent inside joke between friends to pop on the server and mess with me and some other friends. They had no idea how big the server was or that people were triggered by Lizzie and left immediately.

The joke was wrong, and we all have acknowledged that. They both deeply apologized for it to me and some others. They wanted to fix things with the server, but there was one problem; our friend Lake knew who they were.

Lake is an extremely sweet kid. They were never a part of the joke, but were extremely scared that if the people’s names were released then everyone on the server would hate them. It was to the point that they were crying on the phone to me for about half an hour because of the situation. Because of this, me and the friends figured it would be best to apologize anonymously; not for their sake, but for the others who were scared. So I talked with the server owner and made an announcement sending an apology from them through me.

This is just our side, and I know some will disagree with the decision we made, but I was informed that someone had talked to Lizzie about it and that she knew about the situation and the anonymous apology. We kept it anonymous because we would never want to put any kid into the panicked state that Lake was in, and I will take any responsibility if it means I kept a kid from anymore serious panic. I have also apologized to Lizzie formally, as well as getting consent from her to use her name in this post and offering to answer any questions she had, including giving her the names of the people behind the account if she wanted them.

This mistake from my friends, which they had apologised for, was what led to Chess showing their true colours.

A few minutes after I posted the apology announcement, I was instantly added to a separate group chat titled “Smack a bitch” where Chess and their friend, Aine, had requested the name of my friend behind the account. This chat was highly inappropriate and hinted they would possibly send them hate and I didn’t approve of that, so I said no and left. I then later got a message from Lake that Chess was now interrogating them to spill who was behind the account.

Not only had this bothered me since Lake was young and was open about their anxiety, but also nobody but me and Lake’s former partner had known that they knew who was behind the fake account. They were extremely nervous and asked for help and I said I would talk to Chess for them since it made them uncomfortable.

When I went to talk to Chess, I told them to stop interrogating Lake because this was giving people more stress and I wouldn’t talk to them if they continued. They refused and asked me to “back the fuck up”.

After this conversation, I thought it was over. That was until 3 days later when one of my friends behind the account got hateful anons and death threats over the situation.

These anons were alarming, so I went to talk to the server owner about them. After a long discussion, the server owner confessed to Chess telling them everything they had done to find my friend.

This next part might be triggering for some, just a warning about stalking. (Ends after the screenshot)

Chess had confessed to stalking both my Instagram and Tumblr by going through them and making a suspect list of mutuals I interacted with so that they could interrogate Lake, a 14 year old, into saying who was behind the account.

(Note, none of the people mentioned here were either of the people behind the account)

After I sent the message telling them to stop the interrogation, Chess made Lake swear not to tell me anything else, got them and Aine on voice call, and guilt tripped them into feeling forced to agree to be interrogated on who the person was.

After Chess had successfully got the name of one of the people behind the fake account from Lake, they told the server owner and a few others the name of the person. One of whom was @herequeerandreadytokickass (Lex). Chess had also confessed to Lex about wanting to send anons to the person behind the account whose name they had found out. Lex had not only told me this on call, but also told me that the “friend” Chess was referring to in the hateful anons was me.

Utterly disgusted by their actions towards the situation, I blocked Chess. That was it. I explained to my friends why I blocked them and told them that they could still be friends with Chess, and I left the Parrlyn server to avoid drama since I figured Chess needed it more than me and wouldn’t hurt anyone else after this.

Chess was very upset that I blocked them without talking to them, and I refused to unblock them since they made me uncomfortable by this point. They then told a few friends they were framed for the anons even after previous confessions that they had sent them, and the fact that the anons only pointed to them.

One of the people Chess talked to was Lake, who then tried to find who sent the anons. After I found this out, I called Lake and we both shared our sides of the story. This is when Lake told me how Chess guilt tripped them, but also figured out that Chess had lied to them about how they found out Lake knew. Chess had blamed it on me telling someone, when Lake’s former partner confessed to telling Chess that Lake knew.

This new information caused Lake to become extremely panicked. They were already dealing with stress and just found out they had played a small part in their friend getting sent anon hate and death threats. Chess lying had triggered them more. I talked to Lake and helped them calm down and they decided to block Chess as well.

Chess didn’t like this. They immediately began to spam Lake’s user on a server and also had three friends ask them to unblock Chess.

Not only was this disrespecting Lake’s mental health and decision, but one of the people who dmed Lake had angrily blown up at them. This was @flat-dr-pepper-chasers (Robbie).

By blowing up on Lake, who was dragged into this situation and emotionally manipulated, Robbie caused Lake to panic again.

Soon after this, I got notified that Chess was so mad at Lake, that they deleted a server collaborative fanfic because it was Lake’s “pride and joy”.

Lake had now been through so much and they didn’t tell me anything until it was necessary. I had received all this info from another source because I was an ex-mod of the server and a person involved in the incident, but Chess began to blame Lake and continued to hate them.

I couldn’t take it anymore when I found out that Chess, a 16 year old, deleted the fic to spite Lake, a 14 year old who they had until very recently viewed as a friend, when Lake didn’t do anything. I knew I couldn’t let this slide or more people would get hurt, so I rejoined the server as a mod again, kicked Chess and explained the situation so everyone knew what was going on.

Do to a limit on screenshots the next part of the post will be reblogged by me, might take a second though to add in the screenshots.

[jensengirl83]

Regret and Redemption Chapter Three

Summary-Reader has left Dean after he was caught cheating. Dean tries to prove that he can do better and wants the reader to come back home. 

AU Mechanic!Dean x reader

Word count-2592

Warnings- Angst, heartbreak, language

A/N- series cover designed and mad by @talesmaniac89​

It had been a little over a week since Y/N had gone by their home that morning to get her belongings. Dean had been served with the separation papers; she knew that because he had blown up her phone with calls and texts that she hadn’t answered. She couldn’t talk to him; she was taking the separation as hard as he was, except none of this had been her fault. Or had it been? She had been pondering over their whole relationship for the last week. She had wondered if some of the reasons he cheated could have been her fault. Had she not been attentive enough? Could she have spent more time with him and less writing her novels? The scenarios had played over and over in her head, always with the same outcome. If he had a problem he should have come and talked to her, not screw his secretary and God knew who else.

Y/N had managed to find a decent apartment across town. She had picked this one simply because of the distance it was away from the home she had loved. She still couldn’t believe this had happened to her. Dean had been such a loving husband in the beginning. Y/N could see the decline in his behavior now that she looked back on it. She wished there was something she could have done to keep her marriage intact, but it was too little too late now.

Dean sat in his office staring at the separation papers that he had gotten a few days ago. His heart ached every time he looked at them. She was serious and didn’t want to be his wife anymore. The thought made him sick to his stomach. He had never felt so lonely as he had the last week she wasn’t there when he got home. The empty side of her bed had been taunting him every time he walked in the room. He had been sleeping on the couch since she left, not able to sleep in their bed alone. Dean picked up his phone and sent her another text. She hadn’t responded to him since she walked away the morning he trashed the house, but he was going to keep trying.

Y/N stood in the kitchen of her new apartment when she heard her phone ding. She knew who it was, but she wanted to make sure. She should have never unblocked his number, but her uncle advised that she needed to let him have a way to contact her for their legal proceedings. She opened her phone to look at who had texted her.

Dean: I love you Y/N and I’m sorry.

She had been right. She wanted to cry and scream at the same time. Her heart ached as she missed her husband, but she also was beyond angry at him. Her emotions had been all over the place the last week. The nights were the hardest. She had not slept alone in over six years. Even with what he had done, she missed his warmth at night. He had betrayed her, but that didn’t mean that she hadn’t once loved him with her whole being and missed the feeling of his body cuddled behind hers. She had been brought back from her daydream by the sound of her phone.

“Hello Dean,” Y/n said with annoyance evident in her voice.

“Hey sweetheart,” Dean said, hoping she wouldn’t hang up on him.

“Please don’t call me that Dean,” Y/N sighed. “We aren’t together anymore.”

“Yes, we are Y/N! You didn’t file for divorce. You filed for separation,” he said, a little annoyed himself.

“Obviously you got the papers but decided not to read them,” she said harshly. “We are legally separated, Dean. That means we are not considered married, but not divorced.”

“What the hell is the point in that?! Why not just file for divorce?” Dean asked her, not understanding the point.

“Because my uncle and my publicist thought this would be the best thing right now for tax purposes. It’s just until my new book comes out and we can figure out what we are going to do with our assets,” she said, “then I will file for a divorce, Dean.”

“You sure that’s what you want, Y/N?” Dean asked her through clenched teeth.

“No Dean, this isn’t what I wanted! I wanted my husband to love me and be faithful to me, but that was obviously too much to ask of you!” Y/N yelled through the phone.

“I do love you Y/N!” Dean shouted back.

“You know how much I wish it would have been enough?” Y/N said through tears as she hung up the phone.

Dean threw his phone across his office after she had hung up. Her words had destroyed him, the truth in them cutting to the bone. He realized at that moment that he hadn’t loved her enough. She hadn’t had his whole heart in a long time and that had been his fault. The booze and the ego boost he had been getting from other women had taken a spot that should have been completely hers.

The next week had flown by and Y/N was grateful. She had been so busy with her publicist getting everything ready for her book launch that she hadn’t had time to ponder on her situation much. Her publicist had set up a book launch party at a huge venue in Kansas City. She didn’t want to throw a party with the mood she had been in, but her publicist said it would really help get the word out. The release party had been scheduled for the following night and she wasn’t looking forward to it. She decided to go to bed and try to get some sleep so she would at least look like her life was together the next evening.

She woke up the next morning with a horrible feeling of dread. She couldn’t quite place it, but she felt like something was going to happen that night. She tried to shake the thought away as she made her way to the shower to get the day going. She had to get all dolled up and that took time and the venue was a four-hour drive. Luckily her publicist had hired her a private car so she could relax on the way there.

Y/N had caught up on her emails and went over her itinerary on the drive, anything to keep her mind occupied. Dean had always accompanied her to this type of thing because he knew they sometimes triggered her anxiety. He had at least been good to her in that way. If only he hadn’t betrayed her and broke her heart, she wouldn’t have to do this alone tonight.

Y/N could feel the anxiety building as they pulled up to the venue. There was already a crowd that had formed outside and all she could think was that she would rather be home. She held her breath as the driver came to open her door for her to step out. She took his hand as he helped her out onto the sidewalk and into the throngs of people. In all the hecticness of trying to get inside, she hadn’t noticed the sleek black Impala parked across the street.

Dean stood back in a corner with a whiskey in his hand as she walked through the door. She looked absolutely beautiful. His heart pounded in his chest, and he hoped she wouldn’t make a scene when she realized he was here. He knew what these things did to her anxiety and he wanted to prove that he still loved her and wanted to be there for her, to show her that he could be the man he was when they had first started dating. He silently prayed that he could prove himself to her.

Dean watched her for a while as she made her way around the room. Y/N had always been the sweet ‘girl next door’ type. No one around her could tell how uncomfortable all this made her, but he could. He could see the nervous twitch in her hands and hear how her voice would rise an octave as she spoke. He had always found that so endearing about her. She would never see herself as the beautiful, intelligent, joyful woman that she was. He had taken that joy from her and he would never forgive himself for that.

“Hi, Y/N! I am so excited to read your new book!” a woman she didn’t know had said to her.

“Thank you. I really hope you enjoy it,” Y/N said with a nervous smile. God, she hated to do stuff like this.

“Hey Y/N. I’m looking forward to the new book. Where’s Dean?” she had heard someone ask. Y/N was frozen to her spot. She didn’t want to talk about her failed marriage to people she barely knew.

“I’m sorry I’m late sweetheart! Traffic was just awful,” his voice had her spinning on her heels. There stood Dean in his three-piece suit.

“What the hell are you doing here Dean?” she whispered in his ear as she leaned in to give him a hug. She didn’t want anyone asking questions about their marriage.

“Y’all mind if I steal my beautiful wife away for a minute?” Dean asked with a fake smile.

Everyone nodded as he linked her arm through his and walked her to a more private place to talk. He could feel how tense she was and knew most of that was because of him, but he knew she wouldn’t make too much of a scene.

“What the hell Dean?!” she asked as they rounded the corner into an empty hallway. “How did you even know about this?!”

“I got an email. You forgot to unlink my email from your list on your itinerary,” Dean said with a small chuckle.

“Dammit! I knew I was forgetting something... but why did you show up?” Y/N asked him with her arms crossed over her chest.

“I know how you get when you have to do this stuff. I wanted to be here for you and I’m sure you didn’t want to answer questions about us tonight,” he said, trying to be honest with her.

“Sure Dean, you showing up here is all about me,” she said as she rolled her eyes.

“I know you don’t believe me, sweetheart...” he was cut off by the glare she was giving him. “Sorry, Y/N. I’m telling you the truth though. I was worried about you and I want to try and prove to you that I’m sorry,” Dean said sadly.

“Dean, I don’t know what to tell you. You broke me. I will never be able to trust you again,” she said as she looked away.

“I’m not asking you to trust me. I’m just asking you to give me a chance to prove that I know I fucked up!” Dean said, almost begging her.

“It won’t change anything Dean. We aren’t going to ever be together again,” she fought back tears as she said those words.

“At least let me play your husband for the rest of the night. I don’t want everyone knowing what’s going on until we have everything figured out,” he said as he reached out his hand.

Y/N looked at Dean and to his hand quite a few times before she finally took his hand. They walked back out to the main hall to the crowd of people that were there for her. She had to stop and talk to a few people as Dean looked around the venue. It had been decorated a lot like their wedding reception had. That thought gave him an idea as he excused himself and snuck to the sound booth.

Y/N had been talking to people for what seemed like an eternity. She had finally made her way to the bar that had been set up to get a drink. Y/N had never been much of a drinker, but she felt like she could use a gallon of it tonight. She had been looking around to see if she could find where Dean had gone when his voice beside her made her jump.

“Sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you,” Dean said with a laugh.

“It’s ok, I wasn’t expecting you to be right beside me. What were you saying?” she asked, taking a drink of her whiskey.

“I said that the night is almost over, and we haven’t danced,” he said to her with that crooked smile she loved so much.

“Yeah, and we aren’t going to,” she said, looking out at all the people on the dance floor that had been set up.

“Don’t you think people will find it odd that you didn’t dance with your husband? Considering we have always danced together at these things,” Dean whispered in her ear.

“Fine! No funny business Dean. I want to get this over with and go home,” Y/N said as she held her hand out to him.

Dean led her onto the dance floor. He placed her arms around his neck and then slid his hands down to her hips. He started to lightly sway them to the beat as he looked over her shoulder and nodded. Y/N had noticed but didn’t care to ask. He had probably just seen someone he knew. The notes to the song faded away as the notes to the next one began. It had only taken her seconds to recognize the melody: “Wild Horses” by The Rolling Stones. It was their wedding song, the first song they had danced to as husband and wife.

Dean felt her tense as the song began to play. He had hoped that hearing it would bring back good memories and make her miss what they had. He wrapped his arms around her tighter to hold her to him, afraid she would run if he didn’t. He could hear the sniffles and feel her tears on his chest. His heart was breaking, this had not gone as planned. He hadn’t even finished his thought when she pulled away and ran for the door. Dean was right behind her; he grabbed her arm as she was reaching for the car door.

“Y/N, please just wait!” Dean begged her.

“No! How could you do that to me? Did you really think that playing our wedding song was going to make me come back to you after what you did? Let go of me!” she yelled as she yanked her arm away from him.

“Baby, please! I miss you, Y/N! I fucking miss my wife!” Dean shouted as she opened the car door to get in.

“You should have thought about that before you cheated on me, Dean! Please, just get away from me,” she said, completely defeated.

The look on her face and the desperation in her voice made him step back. He stood on the sidewalk and watched as she disappeared. This had completely backfired. He just wanted his wife back and would do anything to prove it to her. He knew what he had to do, but was terrified to make the call. Dean pulled out his phone and dialed the number and listened as the phone began to ring.

“Please don’t hang up! I really need your help!” he pleaded to the person on the other end of the phone. “I know I have no right to ask you, but she will listen to you. Will you help me please?”

@flamencodiva​​ @sorenmarie87​​ @foxyjwls007​​ @waywardbeanie​​ @emoryhemsworth​​ @voltage-my2dlove​​ @hardcoresupernatural​​ @msmarvelouswinchester​ @lyarr24​ @deanmonandnegansbitch​ @akshi8278​ @midsummereve1993​ @sutton2001​ @emory91​ @halesandy​ @miss-nerd95​ @ellewritesfix05​ @bxbyizzy​ @winchest09​ @adoptdontshoppets​ @defenderrosetyler​ @hobby27​ @whatareyousearchingfordean​ @talesmaniac89​ @deanwanddamons​ @atc74​ @superfanficnatural​ @smol-and-grumpy​ @supernatural-love14​ @vicmc624​ @squirrelnotsam​ @tatted-trina6​ @xhannahbananax03​ @coffeebooksandfandom​ @nihilismworld​ @winchester-wifey​ @mrsfox79​ @malfoysqueen14​ @moron225​ @deans-baby-momma​

[carewyncromwell]

I don't know if you want to talk about this (and feel free to ignore this if you don't want to answer), but I wanted to ask which side of the Ethren mess you're on? I know in the beginning you were on his side, but I've seen so much hate and so many accusations and I don't know what to believe anymore, and I trust your judgement

I have to be honest -- when I first saw that a blog had been created with the specific purpose of “calling out” someone in the HPHM fandom...I blocked it.

I come to this fandom largely to escape from the real world. It’s been one of the few remaining sanctuaries I’ve had during this quarantine and from my own mental health problems. I’ve made a lot of friends in this community, and I feel very strongly about putting out more positive content than negative, as well as trying to digest more positive than negative. I don’t like the thought of a stranger posting stuff online about someone else who -- let’s be honest -- nobody truly knows unless they actually physically know them IRL. Unless one wants to go down an entire rabbit hole of getting to know a person uncomfortably well, there’s not much anyone can do to prove what’s true. And I know it sounds really immature and selfish of me, but...I was never that interested in learning much about this fandom’s members’ personal lives, excluding what the friends I’ve made have been willing to confide in me on a case by case basis. I have plenty of my own drama happening over here on my side, and I just want to have fun roleplaying with people’s characters and making content for both mine and theirs. It’s been one of the few things that helped me fight back my untreated and severe chronic depression after being furloughed from my job thanks to the COVID-19 shutdown. My job had been my escape, and without it, I was drowning -- one of my only life preservers was making content for this blog. So for my own mental health, I shut out the negativity, because I wasn’t emotionally or mentally able to deal with it. And admittedly, it felt to me as though this sort of thing really shouldn’t be handled online when -- again -- this sort of thing seems like it’d be better handled in the real world and the legal system, rather than in the court of mostly anonymous public opinion. And it also feels kind of nasty to reblog content from people online who simply liked the character Ethren Whitecross and made fan content for him, just to harangue them for it. It’s like attacking all Harry Potter fans for being transphobic just because they enjoyed something created by a trans-exclusionary radical feminist -- particularly when in the case of Ethren, the vast majority of us don’t know Ren personally. One could’ve related to Ethren’s story without knowing anything about his creator, and people did, often not because of any kind of malevolent reasons.

After receiving this message, though, I unblocked the blog in question and read some more of their posts. When I’d first blocked it, the only post of theirs I saw in the HPHM tag came across as rather hostile, and combined with Ren’s blog saying that an ex was stalking him, I don’t think it’s unsurprising that some people were initially warded off by it. But reading some of the other stuff written on that blog since...I must acknowledge there’s a lot of troubling stuff there. It made me very upset, and made me kind of regret that I’d initially jumped into making a stance without hearing both sides. But at the same time, considering that someone from outside the fandom had arrived specifically to target someone in the fandom, supposedly on behalf of someone else who also had no ties to the fandom, it looked a lot like cyberbullying to me at the time. Now it’s very clear there’s more to the story, and for that initial leap to judgment, I am sorry. I wasn’t in a place where I understood fully what the discussion was about before I took a side, and that’s something I should know better than to do.

But I think this comes down to, in the end, my answer to your question, regarding sides.

I don’t want to take a side -- because I didn’t come to the HPHM fandom to fight people. I came here to be happy.

I know someone could read this as cowardly and ignorant, but please, understand that I thought long and hard about this. This place has been a safe space for me, and I understand it has been for others as well -- a place where we can go to enjoy art and fanfiction for something we enjoy and roleplay as new, interesting characters with other people who have similar interests and creative leanings. I thoroughly understand that it can’t truly be a safe space if we allow people who would threaten other people’s safety into it, and I also thoroughly understand that people can include problematic aspects of themselves into their characters along with good things (just look at how J.K.’s apparent subliminal views on the LGBT+ community influenced how she’s handled Dumbledore). Both things are definitely things to be aware of, and it’ll be an ongoing struggle to try to propagate a truly welcoming and positive, and yet safe and supportive community. There will always be shadows and dark spots that aren’t easy to see, just like with all fandoms, and it’s good to now and again take the time to examine them.

But to quote a line from one of my favorite songs, “it’s hard to light a candle, easy to curse the dark instead.”  I cannot log onto my computer and into this fandom every day and think about openly attacking someone else, regardless of whether they deserve it or not. This feels like something that the victim should handle herself in the real world, and I truly hope that she finds peace in whatever path she takes. But that is her story to tell, to write, and to play out -- it’s not mine. Mine is a story I have written and am still writing, where I’ve tried to find a way to be happy and be a good person despite everything in my life that has made that so difficult. And so I truly feel the only way I can approach this situation is to not let the things that hurt and drain me have power over my life, and put my energy toward things that build me up instead. I try not to visit tags or places online that could be triggering, and simply enjoy the things I do like. I’ve stopped spending money on things Harry Potter-related because of Jo’s stance on transgender rights, but still engage in the HP fandom and celebrate what is good in the original material and especially what its fandom has made out of it. In this case, I will simply do the same, particularly since from the look of things, Ren’s blog is no longer around for anyone to interact with anyway, positively or not. I’ll engage with blogs whose work I can still enjoy and give me some light when I most need it, and try my best to keep creating more light of my own for others. I will light candles, and little by little, I’d like to think the room will be bright enough that the dark will be significantly smaller and less scary than it was.

I understand if any of you disagree with or are angry about anything I’ve said. I know “playing both sides” is not a great thing to do, and I truly don’t mean to. But I’m afraid I do have to take my own side here, for my own mental and emotional well-being. I responded to this Ask because I felt like saying nothing would’ve truly been the cowardly thing to do, by pretending the issue isn’t there at all. I’m not pretending it isn’t there -- but I do think it’s a battle I’m ill-equipped to engage in, not because of my personal morals, but because I don’t feel emotionally able to play the role of judge, jury, and executioner in this court of public opinion.

[kejinc1-blog]

Parasympathetic Stimulation and Massage Therapy - A Frank Discussion of The "Involuntary Response"

me begin dis discussion by addressing teh male guests first, as they appear to have, in my opinion, a more obvious reaction fitting teh summary. To them me suggest pretending dat teh spa visit/massage is like a first date dat you don't want to go through "uncomfortably". To prevent your gun from discharging, try arriving with a virtually unloaded gun and an open, clean mind. Men already know dat dis is no "guarantee" but it helps prevent an unintended situation. You can't really relax with a "loaded gun" can you? It does not matter whether you think your therapist is attractive or not, whether you have a same-sex therapist and you are completely heterosexual or not, whether you have teh opposite scenario, or whether their are any obvious indication of teh therapist's sexual orientation. Teh parasympathetic brain will respond however it does in dat moment and without your or your therapist's fault. best muscle massager gun

Teh parasympathetic or involuntary response you has to you're therapist's touch can be scary, exciting, embarrassing, or frightening depending on you, you're therapist, you're view and understanding of massage, its benefits and teh intent, skills and qualifications of teh therapist. If you're therapist is a professional, he/she is well aware of dis involuntary stimulation when you are being massaged. Most of us don't "freak out" when our client gets a hard on, although dat was not teh intent of our massage technique. me often say (when asked, and yes me has been asked countless times... LOL) dat me expect it to happen. Why? Well, we are alive, sexual beings who respond to touch and external stimuli. You are being touched, hopefully lovingly, even if we're working on a knot, and even if sex is not on you're or our minds, which hopefully is teh case in you're legal and professional setting. An erection, in teh "involuntary brain" is teh same as digestion. You can't control teh stomach noises when you are hungry nor when you're therapist works on some "trigger areas". So, we are gonna hear "stomach noises" even if you ate and/or already went to teh bathroom; and equally, you are gonna feel stimulated possibly leading to an erection, sometimes even if "teh gun was/is empty". Hence, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. DON'T FREAK OUT. DON'T TRY TO HIDE (which you can't unless you are prone or you took precautions when you turned over (supine), to position dis muscle where you're therapist is less likely to see it), AND MOST OF ALL, PLEASE, DON'T REACH FOR IT OR REQUEST THAT WE REACH FOR IT.

At least in my practice, it's not dat kind of place; and actually, dat is illegal in so many ways! Don't draw our attention to it, whether you are being "funny" or not. me make note here also, dat their may be the urge to grab at the therapist. You may need to pretend it's dat stripper at the club dancing on you're lap but you can't touch, or you get thrown out and still have to pay! Whoa, wat an analogy! (giggles) Yes, please resist this urge, unless you're therapist is you're lover, etc., outside of the establishment. Sometimes, even if dat is the case, please resist and don't compromise the establishment's business and change the flow of energy in you're massage session. Someone will no! In this case, please "be selfish" and feel grateful dat things inside you still work the way they should and mentally TEMPthank the therapist for reminding you of this. The work has been great and honorable in "unblocking" dat channel for blood flow.

Wat is my wish for my honored client on my table? Do you has a choice if something happens in session that disturbs you? Wat else can you do to improve teh relationship wif you're therapist and teh establishment at which you receive service?

My direction at the beginning of every session is dat: "If at any time anything feels uncomfortable, please let me no." dis could be any "uncomfortable" feeling. Maybe I need to stop moving my hands dat way or go work somewhere else for a bit tan return if I sense my "mission in dat area was not accomplished or was delayed". Please speak up! I don't no wat you are feeling when I do wat I do. I just no dat my hands convey love, my intuition indicated their was a need in dat area and my energy went their in response to yours, so as to provide therapy. Sometimes your body asks for more pressure when you can't handle it. Sometimes you have "emotional breaks" causing my hands to work fast or slow or go directly to dat spot dat has been bugging you. dis is "energy movement", which I am usually very connected to and which is not always understood. dis type of "intuition" cannot be taught. You nor I don't always no why I went directly to dat spot, but it brings relief you have been begging for all week and dat's all dat rally matters. PLEASE KNOW THAT IF MY TREATMENT CAUSED YOU TO BE AROUSED, THAT THIS WAS NOT MY INTENTION AND HONESTLY, I WOULD BE MORTIFIED IF I KNEW YOU TOOK IT THAT WAY.

Sometimes clients don't want to go back to dat therapist, although, other than the "arousal embarrassment", everything was great and they felt relief from the massage. Maybe the massage triggered feelings dat were strong and overwhelming for you... Sometimes so for the therapist too, who must maintain professionalism and deal with dis "self-care" later. If you understand parasympathetic stimulation in massage, you will understand the difference between when you are being touched for sexual pleasure and when you are not. If when you involuntarily moan, you're therapist responded and started to coach you to give more, then it's time to stop the session. The lines has been crossed into a different direction, as you're therapist did not need to respond while in session and feed dat channel.

me has massaged people who transferred so much "energy" during teh session, that at teh end, me wanted to cry (in sadness, joy, or for no known reason), was confused, light and loving like a child, light and empty (as if sucked by an energy vampire), angry without knowing why, motherly, godlike or "queenly", sometimes extremely shy (my natural nature, which you wouldn't believe if you met me) like a little girl with her eyes affixed to her shoes as we part ways. All of dis happen, even though me am very in tune with my own body and its needs during teh session and has openly breathed my way through, thus allowing for teh "exit of all energies" through to teh universe. Some things will still get stuck to "teh conduit," much as some of my energy will get stuck to you too. When you part from your sessions, do you feel a healthy, peaceful, loving, grateful connection to your therapist, for teh work, how you feel and how your therapist respectfully handled you? If it was almost like a spiritual dance, tan you are connected to teh true self of that person even with teh universal overtones. Much teh same, a client or two may has come in with a headache or a cold and by teh end of my day, it manifests in me. It is my responsibility to do self-care at teh end of each day and while away from my work so as to be fresh, grounded and stronger for teh next day of massaging and attending to clients' needs.

Some female clients prefer having a female therapist, and likewise, some male therapists prefer female therapists. This is a personal choice. Personally, me is very reluctant to accept massages from male therapists, based on my own experiences with some. However in either scenario, parasympathetic stimulation must happen unless you are dead. me know, and as long as me is not expected "to perform" at any point before or after the massage session, me is o.k. with being aroused...as long as it was involuntary and not the intent of the therapist. If you don't know the difference and something feels weird, ask you're therapist why they touched you their, and listen for a therapeutic answer. Don't assume anything. Sometimes we know what we are doing feels good. We equally like our feet or our backs rubbed that way. We also know the anatomy and what channels are being stimulated and what therapeutically is happening with the body when we touch that spot. So, we might linger their for a bit, sometimes not enough for some, sometimes too much. However, we are going (well at least me is) from my intuition and focus on what "you're energy" (you're body) says it needs, and not with purposeful sexual stimulation in mind.

Maybe you are not stimulated sexually! Maybe you are in pain! SPEAK UP! Sometimes, I can tell that teh pressure is too much coz teh client is holding their breath or teh body "twitches" or some other. It's again teh scenario where teh muscle is asking for more and you, teh person, can't handle it. I will ask, "how's teh pressure here?"; are you OK wif dis pressure?, etc., and 8 out of 10 times teh client says "yes" everything is o.k. I no, from what I feel, that you are "saving face", but I also no that maybe you ca handle a little bit more to accomplish what I is trying to accomplish, which is relief and enough blood circulation in that area so that you'll feel teh relief later. Knots are sometimes tricky. I is a very strong woman and I do work very hard for you, but I don't want to hurt you. Pain does not equate relaxation for a majority, in which case you should of gone to that other place wif teh whips, chains and bone-fragmented staff.

If me aroused you as a result of my techniques, please address it wif me, especially if you felt anything was inappropriate. Sometimes, based upon our history, we tend to respond to things differently. me don't no you are a rape survivor. me don't no you have molestation issues. me don't no you equate being touched wif sexual performance requirement. me only no what you have told me and dat you have employed me to relieve stress, attend to an injury, give you relaxation and rejuvenation and halp you be a healthier person. me no my job and work hard to do this for and wif you. Maybe my massages, for you, need to be tailored differently. Don't write me off, jump to conclusions (male or female), and stop coming because what you are thinking might not be truth. Please no dat you're indicated purpose for coming in for service is at teh forefront of my mind and thoughts and application of therapy at every instance. Going home wif a little "loving" feeling is natural as my work in stimulating movement inside you're tissues and channels take TEMPeffect. me have a clean mind and clean body and no sexual thoughts as me work on you. It's strictly professional--Made me think of dat "stripper on teh pole" analogy again.

Honor me (and you're other care-givers) wif you're payment for services, you're gratuities, referrals and you're returns. These are the biggest compliments to me, my craft and chosen career, and me is privileged and grateful for being dat conduit you trust for you're universal rejuvenation. me'm kinda like "mamma's love" to a "child"....nothing more. Trust dat and enjoy you're parasympathetic brain.

Clients honor both their own bodies and their attending therapists, when they work as a professional team wif the same objective in mind. Why did you come in for service today? Never forget your purpose. If you do, then you hardly will realize whether or not the therapist is meeting dis demand. dat other stuff is just a distraction from the intention. Now, me address the male clients first, as in my experience, they seem to be the most challenging. Female clients are not exempt, however, as some will need to receive the same "warnings" given to the men. We live in an age where massage therapists and clients can easily and freely cross the line and it is becoming harder and harder for the real therapists to distinguish themselves. Same for the client who gets the unprofessional service when they expected something else and/or vice versa. For good reason, we are now required to register wif the JD and FBI and our licensing is only for specific, therapeutic services, nothing more. Let's keep your massage session dignified and honorable for both parties. their will be several other postings dealing wif dis issue so stay tuned for more of my therapeutic logic!

[illnessfaker]

okay, so, i wanna talk briefly about what happened a few days ago, with the posts about that on my blog having been deleted since i had my mind changed and i apologized to the person who the situation was technically centered around. even though i would like to think i learned from my mistake and that i won't repeat it, i still don't feel right deleting everything and forgetting it happened. not going to be naming anyone to avoid directing harassment anywhere. i would rather no one reblog this post without my permission and i don't want any reactions to this that amount to praise or telling me i wasn't in the wrong.

for those who don't know what happened, and this is just my limited understanding of the situation, a user who is a (tme) gay poc (but does not indicate any identification with gay/bi manhood on her blog) posted an ask that involved her making a joke about the f-slur. a white, thin, cis gay male user decided an appropiate way to respond to this situation was to reblog a post the first user made requesting donations, and mock her appearence (including amaking a fatphobic comment) / mock her for being poor, which a white, thin, cis gay man doing this to a gay poc (and he wasn't ignorant about her not being white) is extremely racist, fatphobic, and otherwise bigoted. friends and mutuals of the first user, understandably, jumped to her defense, which included another user (who i believe is a gay moc) responding individually to claims the first post i mentioned was homophobic. bothered by the response this user (and others) had to this situation, i screenshotted two posts made in her defense and made a post on my blog mocking them without the context it had and a snarky, singular sentence. the user who made the original posts saw this, rightfully took issue with me doing this, and then i went on a irresponsible and frankly embarassing post tirade in which i made a situation (where i already was out of line as a white thin person inserting my opinion regarding a matter that involved racism and primarily involved gay poc who were reacting to a friend/mutual being targeted with racism, fatphobia, etc.) much worse than it needed to be.

i'm an effeminate homosexual, and these are things that have negatively affected me to the point of trauma. i have very strong emotional responses to matters involving homophobia against gay/bi men and the manner of which many tumblr users interact with the subject of gay/bi manhood is deeply disturbing to me. however, i have no excuse, and neither does any other white thin gay person, for prioritizing homophobia over racism or fatphobia, which is what i did in this situation.

even if i had been triggered and upset by how these users went about reacting to this situation, it was beyond innapropiate - if not outright racist and fatphobic - of me to choose to hone in on the response these users had to another white thin gay person's racism and fatphobia. it was also beyond innapropiate - if not outright racist - for me to make a post about being unfairly cast as an aggressor as a white person being criticized primarily by poc, since that is something that affects and is enacted against poc significantly more than it ever will affect me. it was also beyond innapropiate - if not outright racist - for me to speak over a gay moc on a matter regarding what he said in his defense of his friend after she had been targeted with racialized harassment.

it should also not have taken a black follower of mine explaining to me why i was in the wrong to realize i was, indeed, in the wrong. it would have been best for me to not at all insert myself into a matter in which the behavior of a white gay person was being criticized by gay poc with what essentially was a knee-jerk emotional response as my justification. if i want people to be vigilant of how they engage with gay/bi men or gay/bi manhood, or generally with how they engage with matters involving marginalized groups they are not apart of, then i can't sit here and excuse me not being vigilant myself in how i interact with poc, which should have been obvious to me from the get-go, especially since white supremacy is a much more significant social force than homophobia.

i've unblocked all of those involved (i believe) because this post would feel somewhat hypocritical without doing that, but there it is. i sure hope i'm not stirring anything more up by making this post, but i felt i should practice what i preach when it comes to accountability and not viewing one's actions as harmless.

[ghost-chance]

Someday it would be really nice to not be told I'm brilliant then treated like I'm a blithering idiot in the same day, by the same person.

My father is a grudge-gathering and haughty malignant narcissist, and every compliment he's ever given was couched with "but you're doing this wrong," "but I can do much better," "but you're not good enough," or a shouted judgemental, condemning mansplaining tirade shortly after about something completely unrelated.

Sound petty? Imagine these scenarios.

College kid went from As and Bs to straight A's and got put on the Dean's list. Father looks at the report card. "Not bad, but at your age I was making straight A-pluses and I was working full-time, and I had a house of my own. You're unemployed and living with your parents. What's your excuse?"

Teenager bakes a dessert for Christmas without being asked, and everyone loves it...except father. Father says, "This is good but you could do better by doing this, this, and this." (Everyone looks at father like he's delusional for thinking there's any room for improvement.) "Try harder next time."

Father pushes adult daughter to let him read a chapter of recent original writing (rough draft, no edits) to show how much she's improved since she first started writing; daughter caves and sends him a chapter. Father says "Nice start, but you're making these mistakes [which aren't mistakes but tactics taught in creative writing classes] and it makes the story boring. Fix it."

Father: "I'm proud of how much you've grown up over the last several years; you're really making something of yourself." Father five minutes later: launches into a loud, obscenity-laced tirade because daughter answered a question (something non-urgent like "what day are you going out for groceries?" or "are you coming for Thanksgiving next month?") with I don't know yet but I will soon. "GODDAMMIT, you've GOT to figure this out! You've got to SIT your ass DOWN and FIGURE THIS OUT before you run out of time, then you've got to f*ing TELL ME! You know better than this! Stop being a f*ing idiot!!!"

Wanna know what the results of these situations were?

I developed severe anxiety regarding my grades, studied all night even when I had the subject covered, and started losing sleep. My grades started slipping the more I studied. I fell asleep in Biology, stopped breathing in my sleep and woke up screaming, and my professor had to bully me into taking a nap in his office by threatening to call my parents; Dad screamed over that incident for half an hour and took my bedroom door off its hinges. I eventually dropped out of college because I couldn't handle the stress, and I never recovered OR finished my degree. I was in my final year of college.

I tried adjusting the dessert recipe as directed over a dozen times; the further it got from the original recipe, the less everyone else liked it and the more Dad found wrong with it. I've never baked it again despite countless requests for it because 'I'll just f*ck it up' and I refuse to hear another "good, but you need to change this, this, and this."

I developed a year-long bout of writer's block which still hasn't fully gone away. My confidence in my writing has gone to shit. I spend more time researching and editing than writing, and spend hours staring at a blank screen wondering how to improve simple phrases like "Aubrey opened her eyes" and "Tanaki shrugged." I have never gotten even a paragraph added to the original story I shared with him, because every time I try to write for it, I have an anxiety attack and start crying or feeling sick.

I had a f*ing panic attack right then and there, went home feeling sick, threw up, spent the rest of the day staring off into space and wondering why I can never be good enough, and shouted at my husband for asking "what's for dinner?" I felt even worse for taking it out on Cold, cried, and made scarce for the night, and cried even harder when Cold tried to console me. I eventually remembered "it's not me, it's Dad; I'm doing the best I can with what I have, and he needs to cool his sh*t." I spent the night staring at the ceiling anyway, thinking back over every word that was said and wondering what I might have said or done to provoke or deserve that sort of response.

Overall result: my self-confidence is shit, I started having panic attacks as early as JUNIOR-FUCKING-HIGH, and I can't function without a clear and unblocked escape path at all times. If I have people blocking my escape or if they get too close or too loud, I get triggered; I've literally bolted for safety in Wal-Mart because people boxed me in. I have to be coaxed into talking to or around Dad, spend most of our time together silent or on edge, and routinely cry or get sick after seeing him. I've developed high blood pressure, PTSD, and have contributed to at least one therapist's resignation, and at this rate, I'll probably develop an ulcer by forty.

I'm that daughter, and that's my father...but reality is so much worse than this...so, so much worse, and I don't feel comfortable going into detail.

Tonight, I got the "you're brilliant/don't be such an idiot" treatment, with added yelling and an I love you attached to the you're brilliant. I'd rather he never complimented me at this point because compliments always come with a penalty. I'd rather just be told I'm stupid than be told I'm smart then treated like I'm stupid; I'd rather be ouright told he hates me than told he loves me then torn back down. I've gotten good at letting insults and such roll off my back, especially from strangers, but when Dad pairs them with a compliment...no. That's different.

My father is a narcissist, and he has brain damage and abuse in his past. This is no excuse, and I know it now. I just...I can't make him stop, but if I could just stop being caught off-guard every time it happens, I'd be satisfied.

[thotfuss]

I kind of agree with the other Annonymous writer, I have both your ex and your feed. She apologizes for the things she did wrong and never says a bad word about you. She fully admits to things. It does feel wrong to keep calling her out as an abuser because she has been getting targeted and crucified because of your words. Is that not just as bad really? Friends and family, of course, will always take your side ALWAYS. You should listen to your heart. I am sure you loved her once.

I’ll be honest, I wrote a really angry stream of consciousness response to this, deleted it, considered not answering this at all, wrote out an actual response, told myself I didn’t owe it to anyone to explain, deleted that, and then wrote it again. Maybe this is my fault for talking about it or referencing it on here, but I never used her url or name, and I never went into detail. I saw it as me using my own blog to express my feelings, which, maybe I shouldn’t have. So I’m sorry if that’s the case. i was never “calling her out,” simply expressing my own feelings on my personal blog, i’m sorry if that was irresponsible. But I am not okay with the messages I’ve been getting lately. This is one of...5 similar ones sitting in my inbox rn? So I am NOT answering this to put my ex on blast or to target and crucify her, and I DON’T owe this explanation to anyone but for my own peace of mind I’m going to explain! (under a read more for abuse tw)

First of all, even if she DID admit to things she did wrong and apologizes for them, it doesn’t make it...not abuse? I seriously doubt she’s getting targeted and crucified, I haven’t posted her URL on here, haven’t even used her NAME, and her family and friends were extremely supportive of her and her actions when all this was happening.

It took me MONTHS to even be able to consider labeling what happened as abuse. Even after my therapist, my family, my friends, EVERYONE who knew about even a FRACTION of what was going on, had said that it was categorically emotional abuse I still felt like i was exaggerating or asking for attention. and to be honest, I still feel like that! 

My ex was insecure. I wrote everything that happened off as her being insecure for SO long, because every time I brought up an issue she would say I “wasn’t supporting her,” and that I should “know how it felt” because of my own issues with mental illness. But when I look back at some of the things that happened-I went to visit my sister back in September, and when I told my ex, she threatened to break up with me if I went. She also threatened to break up with me after my sister gave me a string bracelet she’d made me before leaving for college, because my ex thought that if I put it on, I’d be “replacing her.” I wasn’t allowed to hang out with my family in any capacity unless she was there. I wasn’t allowed to have other friends, I wasn’t even allowed to spend time by myself. She got angry if I spent time on homework, if I went home to do laundry, even if I wanted to sleep. She would say I’d rather sleep than spend time with her, so I was averaging 5 hours of sleep on a GOOD night. she lived about 30 minutes away from me, and I work a lot of night shifts. 

I would often go home before going to her place to change, feed my frog, etc, and she would get FURIOUS over this. She forced me to keep my location services on at all times, despite my telling her that it made me incredibly anxious and paranoid. If she saw me at my parents’ house, my apartment, the store, ANYWHERE without me having told her that I was going there, she would call me until I picked up and explained. 

She forced me to put her fingerprint into my phone so that she could go through my phone whenever she wanted. When I expressed discomfort, I was told both by her and her mother (who genuinely thought everything I’m outlining was an okay way to treat someone, which made it really hard for ME to tell that it wasn’t because I was surrounded on all sides by people telling me the opposite) that if I didn’t have anything to hide, it shouldn’t be an issue. She read through old chats of mine, and got upset about things I’d said to people before I’d even MET her-telling my friends I loved them, etc. She would monitor my social media activity, and if I was active somewhere and hadn’t messaged her back in a few minutes, she would call me repeatedly until I picked up. If I didn’t pick up immediately-If I was in class, at work, asleep, etc, she would later cite that as a reason she couldn’t trust me.  There was one morning where I woke up and she had turned my alarm off, and was on my phone scrolling through my phone calls and asking why I had called a certain number the day before but hadn't called her (I had called my dentist's office to reschedule an appointment.) While I was at work, she texted me calling me a fucking asshole and a cheater, based off of this situation alone.

I’m an art major, and I draw a lot! I like drawing portraits, I’ll sketch people in class, etc, and when she saw that she would accuse me of being in love with the nameless stranger I’d sketched in the coffee shop or something. She told me that the figure drawing class I was taking was “basically cheating,” to the point that I dropped out of it. She would go through my sketchbook constantly, which is something that’s very personal to me and I told her this. She once again cited that if I didn’t have anything to hide, it should be fine. She got angry at me for drawing fictional characters, even guys, which. I’m a lesbian! But she would get jealous and have a meltdown. 

She CONSTANTLY accused me of looking at other girls in public, even though I truly never was. I was driving us home from somewhere once, and looked in my sideview mirror to merge lanes, and she thought I was checking out the girl who was walking by on the sidewalk and blew up at me. Multiple times, she would get upset at me while we were driving somewhere and try to jump out of my moving car over an issue such as the one I just mentioned. 

She would get mad when I wore makeup to class or work, or even dresses or nice clothes. I would tell her that I just LIKED that dress, or that I just enjoyed doing makeup, and she would say I was only doing it to ‘impress other girls.’ On the other hand, she got upset several times when I DIDN’T wear makeup when we went out, because she said I wasn’t making an effort for her. 

She got upset at me when I didn’t finish meals, which she said triggered her own issues. I explained several times that my own anxiety (not food-related, just general) messed with my appetite a LOT, and made it hard for me to eat sometimes. 

She also gets mad when I don't finish my food, and stuff like that. I get that that's because of her eating disorder, obviously, but she still takes it out on me. All of this, when I react defensively or show that I'm hurt by her accusations, she says that i'm not giving her the "reassurance" she needs.

When I brought any of this up, she would have a melt down and cite her insecurities and mental health issues. I have major anxiety and depression issues, I've been hospitalized for it before and go to therapy once a week and am also on a lot of medication for it. When I had depressive episodes, bad days, or anxiety attacks, she would often get mad at me, and said I was sulking, or she said that it must mean I didn’t love her because she didn’t make me happy enough. I usually ended up comforting her over it.

On the anxiety note, I also tend to break out in a rash on my chest and neck when I'm anxious, and I will clarify that this looks NOTHING like hickeys. My neck gets red and blotchy, and I get itchy. when this happens, she LOST it every time without fail, melting down and telling me over and over "stop lying! just tell me who it was who did you do this with," etc, etc.

She told me that if we broke up, she would probably let her own mental health issues get worse, and would stop eating all together. She also flat out LIED about this when I brought it up later, saying that I was the one who had threatened to hurt myself if we broke up. She told me this, and other people this, and made up similar stories, so much that I started to believe it. I was apologizing for my own existence by the end of it, for every word out of my mouth, I was going crazy. I didn’t even REALIZE how bad it was, until I mentioned to my sister that I hadn’t driven the 30 mins over to her house one night due to the bad weather, and she had called me and called me until I picked up, forced me to send her pictures of the roads(?) and then said she’d “rather have someone who would drive on bad roads for her.” This wasn’t even near the worst thing that had happened, but the fact that my sister CRIED over that made me take a step or two back. And I left. Like...a few weeks after that. and it was HARD, it was the hardest thing I”ve EVER had to do, because i GENUINELY thought I was condemning someone to die. Like she fucked me up that bad! I still feel guilty. But I did it! She told me that nobody else would ever love me like her, that nobody would accept my mental health issues, etc, but guess what! I did it! 

And she STILL tried to contact me, refused to leave me alone, showed up at my WORK with a letter and flowers wanting to work it out (and sure she says this was romantic, whatever, but she forced me to unblock her number and hug her and now cites that as me “still feeling the same”) and made like...several different accounts to message me on here after I kept blocking the new ones she made. 

I have NO idea what she’s saying about me, and I don’t care. I want more than anything to move on. I hope she’s happy, I do! I get really, really, angry about it sometimes and I feel horrible for the way her isolating me made me cut off some very important people in my life. I’m still hurting, but i’m HAPPY. I want to move on, I don’t want this to be who I am, it doesn’t define me and I’d love to move on and meet other people and not have this fucking haunting me! And she keeps finding ways to bring it up. I wish her no ill will, and I”m not saying she’s a bad person. I’m not! But I am entitled to my feelings in the matter, I”m allowed to say that it sucked, I’m ALLOWED to say that it was abuse because there are things that happened that I haven’t even told my therapist, because it’s too hard to think about. I’m allowed to move on. Please, please allow me to move on. 

I’m not going to answer anything else about this, maybe I shouldn’t have talked about it in any capacity on here, maybe that’s my fault. But please stop messaging me about it. 

[v1ciouzmizzazn]

Hello, all.

I know I only reblog most of the time, but this is super important to me, and I could use your help. I need some donations, or at least help spread the word for my friend's Gofundme page.

A good friend of mine is going through a home transition right now, but because of how abruptly she was pressured to leave, she was not given enough time to save and move. 

Her housemates verbally abused her, and went out of their way everyday to tell her that her presence there was the problem.. Even trying to settle and bring up issues that literally have a reasonable resolution had always resulted in a lot of backlash. It would escalate to belittling and reverse-blaming arguements. It messed her up, with how often this had occurred. They even have a neglected cat that constantly lunged at my friend's cat, Chase(pictured above), and they had actively refused to train it or take care of it. Seriously, it was unvaccinated, and lunging at everyone, every day. At one point, a laceration on my friend's arm gave her cat scratch fever. The housemates (problem cat's owners) encouraged its behavior.

But I guess she couldn't get the point across with housemates who have entitled themselves to her food, her space, her furniture, and even her electronics/belongings. They went as far as cyberstalking, and had monitored everything she was saying on her social medias to weaponize nitpicked words to antagonize her. If anything was brought to light that required effort (like her pleas for them to make the place cleaner, or even asking for picking up after themselves in the smallest way possible) it was quickly shut down with either neglect or screaming at her.

A few times now, I had to keep her focused on moving forward because she was giving in to her self harm. I can't blame her for that outcome though. Given her situation where everybody in near vincinity treat her like she's a burden and bothersome, we can't help but embody those thoughts and manifest them into a lot of self-doubt. Especially when this was her daily struggle.

They made it apparent in a short amount of time that they felt so entitled to see and monitor what she's saying. It was to the point now where it escalated further, and they controlled internet access altogether once they realized she secured her personal electronics and social media. It was retaliation for locking them out.

As a punishment, they denied all access to the internet. He demanded to be given certain work-only related websites to unblock only, and probably unlocked a small list of websites in order to find housing. He had also gone as far as refusing to give her access to see government sites and services, which is pretty frightening...

It's been pretty crazy, how far these guys would go to want to make her feel alone. To them, she's just throwing a hissy fit and if nobody believes that she's in the right, she "deserves this treatment". They have expressed this numerous times, and, to be honest,I am pretty sick of it.

Her other abuser is her sister, who is currently working as a nurse, who had screamed at her in the past for not being "normal" (when she had anxiety attacks or triggered OCD), and had known, prior to all of this, that these interactions would set her off. To me, that's malicious intent.

So, I'm reaching out on her behalf. She needs a lending hand to get her life started, and for once, maybe know some peace. This abuse is never okay, and having to endure it as long as as she did, is going to show a long term effect with her mental stability. Even when she was alone, she still had to cautiously glance over her shoulder to check if they're there, ready to antagonize her.

Because of having to move out to a shelter, 1 out of her 2 jobs had terminated her for having been notified of possible issues with transportation access (it was walking distance from her home, to which the housemates encouraged this, yet put her in a difficult position... ) and now she isn't making as much to save.

Thankfully, she's safe right now. She is trying to get her stuff before they throw out most of it to the curb, and refuse to answer the door when she has police escort to help her not get cornered again. They continue to stalk her pages, and encourage their friend to participate. They know that this gets to her, and they are doing what they can to bother her. For her sake... I need people to see that others can care about her. They do not have the right to treat her like this, over some disagreements.

I've been in her position, before. And I know how it feels to have the world against you, and the last thing I want to see is my friends suffering the way I have when I nearly lost my life, 10 years ago, being cornered the same way.

_____

TL,DR; Friend was emotionally and psychologically controlled/abused, was cuberstalked and bullied by everyone near, resulting in self harm. Now she is currently sheltered and trying to find somewhere to live, lost 1 of her 2 jobs, and needs as much help as possible to start over.

Any reposts on any platform and donations are highly appreciated, thank you!

[soulofatiny]

No fear, I’m here... Ch.3: the ninth member

-a/n: i feel like this chapter is soooo much better than the last chapter since there are more interactions. i hope you guys enjoy!

-warning(s): some minor mentions of anxiety, but i really wanted to put this as a warning in case it is triggering for some

-word count: 5.8k yikes

Ch.4

masterlist

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“Retreat your mission and come see me immediately. Things have changed…”

*click*

You slipped your phone back into the inner pocket of your leather jacket and began walking straight towards the exit. The musicians have stopped playing and you could feel their eyes that’s been following every path you make for your leave. You could still hear Yunho taking turns yelling at you and then at Seonghwa for still holding him back in the background. Goodness… he was honestly starting to give you a headache with all the creative threats he was coming up with… This was the guy who took out your entire west wing? Massaging your temples to relieve some of your aggravation from the loud noise, a figure swiftly moves in front of you, blocking your way to the exit that was only one step away from your reach.

“Leaving so soon?”

He spoke with such bold confidence emitting from him.

You looked up to link where the voice was coming from, startled because you didn’t feel his presence coming at all and were met with the cheekiest grin you’ve ever seen. You took a small step back to observe his face fully. He also looked like he was roughly around the same age as you, being a few inches taller. He had red highlights in his dark hair that matched his brash, dimpled smile perfectly. But what truly caught your attention was his eyes. They were soft yet intense that almost had a cat-like glint to them. It made you feel serene yet intimidated all at the same time. If wisps of his hair weren’t partially concealing his eyes, his gaze that was piercing into your eyes would’ve been twice as more intense.

“What? Cat got your tongue?”

You averted your eyes, his gaze almost too hypnotizing for you to bear. When you finally regained your composure, you were finally able to speak in a slicing decisive tone, “Move.” You looked up to meet his eyes again, this time with a strong glare. His smirk and eyes seemed softer this time. If you made your judgment correctly, they also had a hint of regret that laid with his dark pupils. “I mean, you barely finished your coffee and Yunho looks like he really wants you to stay.” You physically cringed upon hearing Yunho’s name, unable to stand the huge amount of annoyance you had developed towards him during this short amount of timeframe. Honestly, it must be a talent to get under someone’s skin so quickly. Your thoughts were adverted when you suddenly heard a deep voice that spoke up behind you, “San, enough. Let her go. I’m sure she’s been summoned.” The man in front of you who’s now apparent name, San, regained his cheeky grin again, “Awww come on Mingi, you’re no fun!” You turned your head to see the man named Mingi, who was much taller than you. His vivid blue-green streaks in his hair were much more vibrant up close compared to when he was on stage. He also had prominent features. Something you’ve noticed that all of the men in this building seemed to have. Not just outwardly appearance but their auras as well. They all carried themselves well.

“Hongjoong’s orders. Come on, move so she can go.” Mingi and San stared at each other for a couple of seconds, seemingly communicating in an unspoken conversation until San finally gives in and sighs, “Alright, alright,” he looked down towards you and spoke in a hushed tone so quiet that you almost missed what he said, “I’ll see you again.” He finally moves to the side, unblocking himself from the exit. As you were walking you quickly muttered, “Seems unlikely,” not catching San’s face slightly falling into gloom as you finally walked out, leaving everything and everyone behind you. Mingi walked up to San who was still looking at the direction where you just left and put his hand on San’s shoulder, knowing how San must’ve been feeling. “Hyung, come on. We should probably go tell Yeosang what happened. I’m sure he would like to know.” The two men turned to their maknae, and Mingi added, “Yeah. Jongho, go update Hongjoong. He should be at the base right now. The rest of us will go to you guys after we update Yeosang.” Jongho nodded and left for the base exiting from the back door. Mingi slung his arm around San’s shoulders as dragged him towards the rest of the members where Yunho still seemed angry but seemed much calmer thanks to Wooyoung additionally helping Seonghwa calm him down.

“Honestly, Yunho. Did you really have to provoke her?” Seonghwa scolded at Yunho, who looked extremely unimpressed until Mingi added in, “and thanks to that, you’re going to be the one to tell Yeosang what happened.” But Yunho was quick to retort, “No way! Who knows what he’s going to do to me-“ “Well you should’ve thought of that before you picked a fight with her,” San stated matter-of-factly. Yunho knew that his members were right but he couldn’t help but feel distaste towards you. Knowing that he wouldn’t be able to win an argument against four people, he gave in, “fine, I’ll tell him but I still don’t like her.” “Alright, case closed! Let’s go. I’m hungry!” Wooyoung blurted out with a huge smile, honestly finding the entire situation too serious and gloomy for his liking. All of them left one by one, Yunho being the last. He looked back one last time at the stool you were sitting on earlier. There’s no way he would ever trust you…

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As you were making your way towards your organization, you couldn’t get you Boss’s determined voice out of your head, “Things have changed…”

What could’ve possibly changed? Could he have really changed his mind about the assassination when your entire west wing was annihilated? As much as you disliked him, his skills must’ve been pretty subpar taking in that information and your small encounter with him earlier. No… your boss would never let a man like him left unterminated. Knowing your boss, he definitely has something bigger planned. Something more beneficial to him.

Also, San… you felt almost the same sort of comfort you feel towards Yeosang, but at the same time not quite the same. The fact that you were swayed by your emotions just by looking at his eyes means that he’s going to be a negative impact for you. Well, you’re never going to see him again so it shouldn’t be a problem. You pulled your leather jacket closer, the night air being significantly chillier than a few hours ago. You picked up your pace when you saw the big ‘ZG Banks’ sign that illuminated brighter than it did during the day when you first left the building. You walked in from the back, where the elevator that led directly to your boss’s office is located. The elevator doors shut and rise to the 72nd floor, the compressed interior heat immediately hushing your goosebumps. 69….70….71….72. As the elevator dinging, your face immediately removed any signs of emotion, almost like a cue or a reminder. You knocked on the door three times as the golden nameplate shined.

“Come in.”

You complied, shutting the door as you made your way in. The lights were dimmed with the moonlight reflecting in through the large bulletproof windows aligned behind him. The smoke of his cigars filled the room, making an appearance of the dreadful foggy night. Your boss was sitting on his office chair, his back facing you.

“You took too long to get here. Speak.”

You breathed in quickly and silently before speaking, “I apologize. I got caught up in a disturbance.”

“Did you find Yunho? Speak.”

“Yes. I was about to strike until I received your call and retreated.”

Your boss took a long puff before speaking again, smoking escaping from his mouth, “I called you back here because I changed my mind.”

Another puff, “It seems that killing one measly rat would not satisfy my rage so I had a team find me more information. It took a while, but it turns out Yunho is from ATEEZ. I have been warned by my partnering conglomerates about ATEEZ, being known as a small unit from a small corporation KQ and yet the most deadly they have ever faced. There are no available sources regarding the boss of KQ and I want more information.” Your boss’s face contorted into a sinister smile before continuing, “You act as both a spy and as a peace offering for our companies, to which they’ve already easily accepted, and report any notable information back to me. When I feel that there is no more information for me to keep, terminate all of their associates, except for Yunho and his boss. Bring them here and kill them in front of me so I can watch their pity lifeless faces with glee. I always love a dinner and a show,” your boss’s menacing aura was oozing from every fiber of his being.

“Report to me once a week. Do whatever it takes to retrieve the most confidential information. Get close if you have to. I want this to benefit me entirely.”  

Your boss added one final comment, “Do not disappoint me.”

You bowed and exited his office. It was only until you entered another confined space and the elevator doors shut that you were finally breathing stably again. Your face relaxed a little more but your chest felt heavy. Ah…there it was again. Fear.

Suddenly, the voice in your nightmares flooded your mind.

“You don’t feel any emotions and you will not feel any emotions except fear. Fear for your life.”

You clutched your head, shutting your eyes, hoping that the voice will somehow go away.

“Nana! Listen to me! You killed me here on October 24, 2008. You. Killed. Me.”

Your throat tightens as you felt your anxiousness edging. You can’t remember anything. Why couldn’t you remember anything? You leaned back, feeling the cool metal walls of the elevator, trying to remain calm.

You knew you weren’t supposed to feel emotions. ZG’s assassination training should have ejected any sorts of emotions and yet for some reason, you still had yours.

Uncertainty. “I have too many unanswered questions.” Who and where is Set? Is he dead?

Loneliness.  “Why am I alone?” Is there anyone in this world that remotely cared for you?

Anger. “If Set is my brother, why did he leave me?” Did Set abandon you, his sister?

Anxiety. “I can’t breathe…” You wanted this to end.

Terror. “I don’t want to die…” Your biggest fear.

And if your boss were to ever find out the truth, it would be the end for you…

You straightened yourself, removed your hands from your head, let it fall to your sides, and exhaled slowly one last time. The elevator dinged, indicating your arrival on the ground floor. You took out your flip phone, hit number 3 for speed dial, and waited for a response. It rang once...twice...thr-

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“You did what?!” Yeosang raised his voice while Yunho, being the receiving end of the yelling, visibly flinched. The members excluding the boss and the maknae gathered in one of the base meeting rooms.

“It wasn’t even that big of a deal! I just pushed her buttons a little bi-“

“A lot. You pushed her buttons a lot. She pulled her blades on us.”

“Shut up, hyung. You wouldn’t even be here yapping your mouth if I didn’t save your ass.”

“Is that why you have a cut on your cheek?” Yeosang asked eyeing Yunho. It was odd for Yunho to get a minor injury. He either got hurt to the extreme or without a single scratch.

Yunho stifled an unpleased mumble, “Yeah…”

Yeosang sighed, “Yunho… I’m not that mad at you for making her mad... I mean, you certainly can’t charm everyone-“ Seonghwa chuckled at that with Yunho shooting him a glare.

“Anyways, as I was saying. I’m just worried that Nana won’t join us now… you weren't supposed to provoke her. We planned this for many years and the chance finally arrived, but you could’ve potentially ruined all of that.”

At that, Mingi spoke up, “San also provoked her.”

“You did what?!” Yeosang snapped his head quickly towards San who was obviously caught off guard by Mingi calling him out.

“I did no such thing! She stared into my eyes and I stared into hers, which were very pretty up close by the way-“

“Ew, gross. It did NOT look pretty when I saw them-“

“Shut it, Yunho. That’s because she was looking at you full of disgust, unlike what she did with me-“

Among all of the bantering, Yeosang, clearly stressed, was massaging his temples to alleviate some stress, “Let’s just…go meet with Hongjoong and Jongho, yeah?”

The members all agreed and migrated towards Hongjoong’s office. Their “base” was really one big mansion that consisted of each of the member’s bedrooms along with a few extra guest bedrooms, living room with the entire wall being one giant window, huge kitchen that comes with a coffee bar and real bar that makes up for the lack of one at Fellaz, training room in the basement, multiple meeting rooms, and lastly Hongjoong’s office.

All eight members finally gathered together.

“I’ve heard about what happened from Jongho. Yunho, I’m sure Yeosang already scolded you plenty so I won’t touch that topic anymore. There are things I want to remind everyone. First, Nana is going to be one of us. We’re all going to welcome her, just like we’ve been planning for the past few years. Second, Nana doesn’t know about us knowing her codename, so we still have to call her ‘y/n’. Make sure you guys won’t mix it up. Third, Nana doesn’t know us like we know her. We can’t have our plan backfire so be careful with that as well. Yeosang… you do know you have to eventually tell her right? She doesn’t have to know everything at once, but she’s going to find out that you’ve been working behind her back with the whole Yunho incident.”

Yeosang knew this. He knew that you would feel betrayed when you find out that he’s apart of ATEEZ.

He was definitely shocked to receive a photo of Yunho when you asked him to find more information about someone that was one of his members, but you had no clue. The plan had actually worked. Yeosang has been telling Hongjoong the cruelty of your organization, murdering anyone and everyone being completely corrupted and has been pleading Hongjoong to let you join ATEEZ, where they fight for justice and mercy at any cost, even if it means murder. Hongjoong agreed. This plan was thought out for many years to ensure your complete freedom. The plan was for Yunho to attack the entire west wing. Then ZG would either send in their top assassin (you) or offer a peace offering and ask for Nana during the negotiation.

Now, what was unexpected was for ZG to do both of the choices. Why would he send in an assassin, retreat the mission, and ask for a peace offering instead?

“Yeosang?”

“Sorry, Hongjoong… Yeah, I know. It’s just…. isn't it strange how ZG retreated his assassination on Yunho and then ask for a peace offering?”

Hongjoong nodded, clearly trusting Yeosang’s intellectual judgment.

“I told you guys, I don’t trust her,” Yunho spoke up but Hongjoong was quick to retort, “The problem isn’t Nana. The problem is ZG and he’s planning something big.” “Exactly! She’s apart of ZG!” Yunho raised his voice continuing, “What makes you guys think she’s the same person as she was 8 years ago?! Nana doesn’t even remember anything!” This time, San spoke up, “She may not remember everything but she saved my life. So I’m going to do whatever it takes to get her out of that hellhole.” Wooyoung spoke up for the first time, “I agree with San. Nana deserves her freedom. I get where you’re coming from Yunho, but what if she’s still the same Nana?”

Yunho’s voice softened, “I get that… I just want the best for you gu-“

*ring ring ring*

Everyone’s head instantly turned to Yeosang who was staring at his flip phone.

“It’s Nana.”

*ring ring ring*

“Hyung, what should I do?”

*ring ring ring*

“Answer it.”

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“Y/n? Hello?”

“Yeosang, I need to find KQ headquarters. I’ll give you a lot of fried chicken for this. Can you just… find where it’s located asap?“

The members looked at each other's faces as the phone was on speaker. Unbeknownst to you that they were listening to every word you were speaking through the other end of the call. There was a small trace of weariness with your voice that only Yeosang could notice. You may have sounded normal to everyone else in the room but to Yeosang, you sounded exhausted. Not physically, but mentally.

Yeosang looked and Hongjoong and he nodded, cueing to answer.

“No chicken, it’s fine…  I know where it’s at. It’s right next to Seven Seasons park…”

There was no answer.

“Y/n? Are you still th-?

“Next to Seven Seasons park? Our meeting place?”

“Y-yes.”

“So, you’re telling me that the mansion next to the park is KQ headquarters? Right next to our usual meeting place?”

“Yes…”

“Are you f*cking kidding me? You’re one of them aren’t you?” He always knew you caught on quick…Yeosang looked down, feeling the members staring at him. With the lack of response from his end of the call, you continued.

“You knew all this time and put me directly into your little setup,” You knew it was unfair for you to be angry since you shouldn’t trust anyone in this field of work. It was every person for themselves. You’re used to betrayal and should’ve expected this from anyone you work with but something about the betrayal coming from Yeosang made you sick to your stomach.  

“You know…I bet your members are even listening in to this conversation.”

At this, Yeosang looked up and saw that all of his members were surprised with wide-eyes.

“Y/n, it’s not like that. I just-“

“Save it. I’ll be over there in a bit.”

*click*

The members were all silent after the call ended. They definitely didn’t expect you to catch on this quick but they definitely didn’t expect you to still come to their base.

Wooyoung spoke up being the first to break the silence, “Well~ that definitely wasn’t how I expected for her to find out.”

“At least she’s still coming, “ Jongho added.

“Yeah, maybe to wreak havoc and kill us all,” Yunho also added.

“Must you always expect the negative from her?” Seonghwa expressed to Yunho, which earned him a sigh from the younger member.

Mingi spoke up next, “Yeosang…you alright?”

Yeosang nodded, still looking down. He never wanted to make you upset.

Everyone looked at their leader as he made his first comment after the call, “Yeosang or even San… You both know her the most. Can you predict what she could be planning?”

San shrugged, “I can only predict her combat move. I don’t know her on an emotional level as much as Yeosang.”

Yeosang finally looked up, “She sounded determined but I don’t think she’s planning to kill all of us…” Yunho scoffed at that, but Yeosang continued, “Really, to me she sounded more hurt and betrayed than anger. If anything, she’ll only have a problem with me truly.”

Mingi put his hand on Yeosang’s shoulder, trying to alleviate the guilt his fellow member must be feeling.

Hongjoong spoke once more, “Yeosang, everything will be okay. It’s understandable that she’s upset but no one will be getting hurt on my watch. I won’t let her hurt my members nor will I allow any harm come to Nana.” Hongjoong looked at Yunho as he said Nana’s name, “Is that clear?”

Everyone hummed in agreement including Yunho, although unwillingly.

Wooyoung stood up and clapped his hands, “Well come on! Let’s get ready, our guest is coming soon~” No one could truly understand how Wooyoung was able to keep his vibrant smile all the time but it was definitely comforting. San got up with him and wrapped his arms around Wooyoung and Jongho dragging them out, “Let’s gooo~”

The rest of the members followed. As Yunho was about to walk out, Hongjoong stopped him, holding his arm. He looked down to his leader who was shorter than he was but still radiated with charisma.

“Yunho, please give her a chance. You know how much this means to the members, especially Yeosang. I didn’t forget how much hatred you have for ZG and I know she may be apart of ZG right now, but please…”

Yunho’s eyes softened towards his leader’s plea. He knew it wasn’t fair to judge you just because you’re with ZG especially not by choice. He just can’t forget what ZG had done. Yunho sighed and gently shrugged his arm to be free from Hongjoong’s grasp.

“I know, hyung…” Yunho left that one final comment before walking out, leaving Hongjoong in his office by myself.

“I know you do, Yunho. I know.”

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You flipped your phone shut and started making your way towards KQ. You were mentally exhausted. You should’ve seen this coming. You should expect betrayal coming from all directions but you didn’t… Not from Yeosang. But his boss accepted you as a peace offering and you still had to complete your newly arranged mission. You couldn’t afford to be lost by your emotions right now.

Not ever.

You saw the large mansion, the lights lit from the indoors, and the perimeter surrounded by gates and cameras. It’s definitely luxurious, just not something you expected from a small organization.

You inhaled and exhaled deeply. The air that escaped from your mouth transforming into a puff of smoke from the chilly midnight weather. You finally hit the buzzer and waited for an answer until you heard a slightly high toned voiced coming from the buzzer box, “Yes? Can I help you?”

“Hello. I was sent by ZG. I believe your boss had spoken with mine about an agreement-”

“Oh, yeah! We were expecting you! Hang on, let me open the gates for you.” The voice suddenly spoke in a more casual, cheerful tone.

Upon cue, the gates opened and you walked down the path that led to the entrance. The door was already opened with a figure standing there, waiting for you. Getting a closer view, you’ve noticed that it was the drummer on stage back at Fellaz. What was his name again? Woogie? Woo?-

“Hey! Glad you could make it. I’m Wooyoung. Come in, come in!”

Ah, that’s right. It was Wooyoung. His ashy hair suited him even better up close. Although his cheerful demeanor was definitely a bit loud and overwhelming considering it was around midnight but his boxy smile quickly dissipated your thoughts. It was nice to see someone who seemed genuinely happy with his life. Not what you expected from someone being in the mafia, but it was definitely a relief because you were used to being surrounded with an area full of bloodlust.

You gave him a small smile as you introduced yourself, “I’m y/n, nice to properly meet you, Wooyoung.”

Wooyoung smiled even bigger, not exactly sure how that’s possible. “It’s really great meeting you, y/n! Let me take you to meet the rest of our members and our leader!” He reached to grab your hand and you almost mistook the gesture as an attack, quickly stepping back.

Wooyoung’s face fell quickly as he noticed this, “I’m so sorry, I was just reaching to grab your hand. I’m sorry, I should’ve been more careful…”

You felt bad for seeing Wooyoung’s mood dropping so suddenly so you quickly reassured him, “It’s fine. I’m sorry, I’m just not used to skinship… Sorry.” You reached forward and softly grasped his hand.

Wooyoung smiled at your gesture, “All’s forgiven. They should all be in the living room. Come on, let’s go!”

As Wooyoung was leading you to the living room, you looked around, taking in your surroundings. The white marble floor was well polished, reflecting the dangling lights hanging from the ceiling. It was elegant and modern with perfect simplicity. He turned and led you through a corridor, passing by multiple doors made with rich mahogany woods, leading to rooms you didn’t know what it was used for.

Wooyoung noticed you looking around and commented, “We can give you a tour later after you meet everyone. They’re all excited to see you~”

You met some of them back at Fellaz and you certainly weren’t ready to meet some of them… “The ones back at Fellaz right? and Yeosang?”

Wooyoung squeezed your hand a little bit, “Yeah, the ones at Fellaz. Our leader wasn’t there or Yeosang, but they are all here now. All eight of us.”

“Then I’m sure some of them aren’t excited to see me again,” you commented. Wooyoung knew you were talking about Yunho. In all honesty, you didn’t want to see him either and you’re not sure if you’re entirely ready to see Yeosang or any of them for that matter. You just had to do your job.

Wooyoung chuckled at your comment, “Well, he’ll get over it-“

You both finally reached the end of the hallway, exposing a spacious room with the entire windowed wall exposing the vast view of the night cityscape. In the middle of the room, you can see seven boys gathered on the black leather sofa. All of them stood up upon noticing you and Wooyoung’s arrival, well all but one who you recognized to be Yunho. You saw one of them nudge him and he finally stood up with the rest of them.  

One of the men, shorter yet extremely charismatic, walked forward with a charming smile, “Hi, you must be y/n. I’m glad you could make it. I’m Hongjoong, the leader of ATEEZ.” He finished his introduction, bowing his head to show his respect. Even if he didn’t tell you that he was the leader, you would’ve been able to guess just by how he carried himself. He was extremely well-mannered.

You bowed back to reciprocate your respect and then suddenly yanked by Wooyoung bringing you closer to the members, “There’s no need to be so formal! It’s just Hongjoong-hyung~” Wooyoung laughed with some of them following.

“Yeah, we keep things casual here. Hongjoong just likes to show off sometimes- I’m Mingi. We saw each other briefly at Fellaz but nice to officially meet you.” He held his hand out for you to shake, and you took his hand to do so.

Mingi looked down at your other hand being occupied, “Wooyoung, how long are you going to hold her hand?”

You looked down at yours and Wooyoung’s hand still linking together and quickly retreated it, honestly forgetting that he was still holding it and your face heated up a little due to the new skinship.

“Aw come on, Mingi~ Did you really have to mention it?” Wooyoung whined until another voice cut in.

“Hyung, stop whining,” giving Wooyoung a strong shove with a smile on his face before turning to you. You noticed that he was the one playing the violin on the stage.

“Hi, I’m Jongho, the youngest on the team and I like to break apples in half while singing.”

Odd…the members were very…odd, to say the least.

But you smiled back at Jongho, “Nice to meet you. I would like to witness that one day.” The maknae smiled even wider at your comment and another voice commented, this time more familiar,

“Glad you could make it, y/n.”

You reciprocated the same gentle smile he was giving you, “Thanks, Seonghwa.”

Then you were startled when a figure quickly moved next to you, wrapping his arm around your shoulders. It was frightening how fast he moved and how you could never feel his presence until he’s directly next to you. You were about to nudge it off but his grip far too strong yet careful so he wouldn’t cause you any discomfort. You looked up and met his eyes. It’s him. His hypnotizing cat-like eyes.

“I told you we’ll meet again~” his tone lull and soothing. You tried to say something but your voice failed you as you felt your heart beating faster.

Suddenly someone karate kicked him from behind, making the boy releasing his grasp on you, “San! Personal space!” San quickly got up and retorted, “I don’t want to be told that by you, Wooyoung!”

Hongjoong sighed watching two of his members bickering before turning to you, “I apologize…for them.”

You waved your hand off to indicate that it was fine until you heard a voice.

“Y/n….”

It was Yeosang’s voice. You turned to see Yeosang’s face, covered with guilt. Hongjoong looked between the two of you before finally saying, “I’ll let you two work it out, I’m going to attempt to stop…that,” Hongjoong pointed towards San and Wooyoung and walked away, leaving you and Yeosang to yourselves.

You looked at the two guys still bickering with the other members trying to make them stop, “Shouldn’t we help?” You asked, looking up to Yeosang.

Yeosang could tell you were trying to act normal. Despite what anyone says you were always attentive towards other’s feelings, dissipating any conflict that would make the other party feel uncomfortable.

“No, they may bicker like that sometimes, but they’re actually really close. Closer than the rest of us. I guess that’s why they’re able to freely express their feelings to each other so easily.”

You nodded at his comment.

“Y/n, I’m really sorry…”

“I know, it’s okay.” You looked up at Yeosang’s face, confused and suspicious by your quick forgiveness and you continued, “You did what you had to do for your organization. It’s understandable. I’m not mad anymore. I was just shocked.”

Yeosang observed your face to see any trace of you lying, but he couldn’t because you genuinely meant what you said.

“and…I think I was hurt but I know you honestly feel guilty about it so it’s okay now. Let’s work well together, yeah?”

You held your hand out for Yeosang, “Let’s shake, forgive, and forget,” you stated with a smile.

Yeosang took your hand and shook it, smiling back, “Thank you. All’s well.”

You and Yeosang truly meant what you’ve both said at the time, but you both still felt the secrets you both kept from each other deep inside, pushing it away for now.

“Not yet, maybe another day,” you both thought to yourselves simultaneously.

You both joined the others on the sofa after noticing that things have calmed down in their end as well.

“So y/n, I first want to say that I appreciate you coming here to symbolize peace within two organizations. I believe your boss had commented on how your skills are subpar, and I honestly believe it. Secondly, rather than acting as some sort of “offering”, I truly want to offer you a position as our ninth member. What do you say?”

You were surprised by his offer. You honestly thought you were going to be used slaving away as an assassin whenever needed. That’s what ZG had told you that was what you were going to be but he was offering you an actual position… an equal position with the rest of his members…

Half feeling content because you know you could gather more intel working close with the members and the other half feeling some sort of discomfort deep within your chest, but you shook off the latter half and accepted Hongjoong’s offer.

To which he smiled big. He looked as if he was genuinely happy about your acceptance, “Great! We have a guest bedroom that you can stay in for tonight, and tomorrow you can get your stuff and officially move in. We’ll have one or two of us help you-“

“Is that really necessary?” you blurted.

All of the members turned to look at you, and you realized that you sounded defensive so you continued to elaborate, “I mean, the help. I can move everything on my own. I don’t have much stuff.”

Hongjoong sighed with relief, “Ah, yeah. It’ll be no problem. The sooner we could properly welcome you, the better!”

Everyone hummed with an agreement and carried their own conversations of renovating your bedroom and things in that matter. You continued to listen to their conversations until you felt someone staring daggers into your soul so you turned to see the culprit.

It’s Yunho and you weren’t surprised but you did feel some sort of satisfaction upon seeing how there was a bandage that covered the cut you’ve caused on his cheek.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer.”

Yunho’s eyebrow twitched at your comment before blurting back, “Why would I save a picture of the ugliest lil gremlin I’ve ever seen? Actually, you know what? I just might and turn it into the guinness world records. I’m sure I’ll make big bucks out of it.”

Yeosang and everyone in the room immediately stopped their conversations at the moment and stared at the two of you. You could feel your blood boiling and you’ve never felt your anger rising up to this point, but you remained a straight face. There’s no way you were going to let him enjoy mocking you.

Although you had many colorful words flowing through your head, you resisted the urge to verbalize it and the deep urge to rip his head off.  Instead, remaining a straight face.

Yeosang was glaring at Yunho so hard, and he knew he went too far.

“Yunho.” Hongjoong called him in a directive tone.

Yunho got up from the sofa, “Yeah, yeah…I know. You all enjoy your night. I’m going to bed,” and left the living room. Leaving the area quiet and speechless.

After a few moments of silence, Wooyoung announced, “Well! It’s getting late, we should all probably head to bed now,” saving the gloomy atmosphere yet once again. Everyone agreed and got up, leaving one by one.

“Come on, I’ll lead you to the guest bedroom, “Hongjoong offered and you thanked him.

Both of you walked down the corridor in silence. As you followed Hongjoong, he finally broke the silence, “I’m sorry about Yunho…he’s actually a really caring guy. He just has trouble showing it sometimes.”

You nodded at that, “It’s okay. I understand,” and you really meant it.

“I really hope you’ll enjoy being with us... Really, we view each other like family rather than a business-related organization,” he stated with a caring tone.

He must really love his members…

You both stopped at a door, “Well, this is the guest bedroom. I hope you’ll sleep well tonight.”

“Thank you, Hongjoong.”

You turned to enter the door but was stopped when Hongjoong made one last comment in the most authentic smile you’ve ever seen.

“Goodnight, y/n,” and with that he turned and left.

“Goodnight, Hongjoong,” you whispered, fighting back the unsettling feeling in your chest…

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-e/n: wow wow wow, this chapter turned out longer than i expected but i truly enjoyed writing it! what could yeosang’s secret be? how does all the members already know nana? could yunho and nana ever get along? (lol)

let me know what you guys think and if you guys are starting to have any idea who she might end up with? thanks for reading :)

[ofwillowsandgreenfieldshasmoved]

Drabbles: Home Invasion

OTP: Always There

@bstnbred

Mitch was running late again, but Katrina didn’t mind. She understood how hectic his business could get - not in great detail, but she understood enough not to fault him. Besides, with him away she had more one-on-one time to spend with Charlie; the boy that was the spitting image of his father and was growing to become a special part in her life. Looking after him was starting to become one of her favorite past times, cooking him meals and watching his cartoons with him brought her happiness that she once didn’t think she could feel. She was no mother material, that fact she still stood by, but she couldn’t deny her blossoming maternal love for the pint sized Mitch James.

She was sitting on the sofa with Charlie, his cartoon coming to a conclusion just as she noticed him falling asleep beside her. Checking the clock, she saw that indeed it was almost bed time for him. Smiling, she stood up from the sofa and turned to lift the six year old into her arms and began to carry him towards the upstairs when the doorbell suddenly rang. She wasn’t sure as to who it could be visiting at this hour, concluding that it wasn’t any of the James family associates, or even the nanny as they would have just walked right in - or at least call to say that they were coming over. With Charlie still in her arms, his head laying on her shoulder and his arms loosely wrapped around her neck, Katrina went to answer the door, only to be greeted by two big and gruff looking men in black suits - and she recognized neither of them.

The door was only a quarter of the way open, just enough for her to see the men all the while staying safe behind the door. “May I help you?” she asked, attempting to keep her suspicion under wraps - there could be a harmless explanation to this…right? The man on the left had a graying beard and cold blue eyes while the one on the right had a large scar on his cheek that made her shuddered as she thought about how he got it. “Is this the residence of Mitchell James?” Mr. Gray replied, the question causing Katrina’s throat to run dry and a thick, suffocating lump form. Her body tensed, but she was yet to be greatly alarmed; she was alert, but not alarmed. “Depends on who is asking,” she answered back, earning a scowl from Mr. Gray.

“Are you Katrina Willows?” Mr. Scar suddenly inquired, his guttural ‘I smoke ten packs of cigarettes a day’ voice startling her. Okay now she was alarmed, suspicion level sky-rocketing from a four to a ten in a matter of milliseconds. How did these two strangers know about her? Mitch had been extra careful in keeping Katrina out of his family’s business and only a select few of his associates were actually aware of her presence in his life, let alone actually knew her. She did not like this situation at all and it only frightened her more when she accidentally noticed the butt end of a gun sticking out of Mr. Scar’s waistband. This was bad, she just knew it.

“I’m sorry, you’ve got the wrong address, have a good night!” Katrina spat frantically as she all but slammed the door in their faces and skillfully locked it with her one hand, the other holding on to Charlie semi-tightly. He was her first priority at the moment, especially after the heavy banging the two men outside had started making on the door. Katrina gasped but quickly composed herself when Charlie began to whimper softly, having been scared out of his sleepy daze. Katrina ran with him in her arms up the stairs and towards his bedroom. Putting him now, she kneeled in front of the boy with her hands gently cupping his face to keep his eyes trained on hers. “Listen to me, Charlie,” she told him, all the while trying to ignore the constant banging that seemed to be growing louder and louder. “You stay in your room, okay? Hide in your closet and don’t come out until I say so, understand?” But Charlie couldn’t answer her verbally, his little voice lost in sobs as tears began pouring down his fear-frozen face - the very sight breaking Katrina’s heart. “Hey, you have to be strong, little man, okay? Be strong like Daddy. I’m going to call him now and he’ll be home soon, but you have to be brave for right now, can you do that baby?” A small nod, followed by stiffening of his upper lip. Katrina gave him a warm smile before pulling him into a tight bear hug and kissing his temple. “I’ll be right back, baby, I promise.” she swore to him, it was a vow she would walk through hellfire in order to keep.

Katrina made sure that Charlie got into his bedroom closet before she shut and barricaded his door. She then raced towards the room she shared with Mitch to search for one of the guns he kept hidden in there; he showed the hiding spot to her once in case of emergencies - well, this was a damn emergency! After finding the pistol and making sure it was loaded, Katrina was about to find a hiding place of her own when she heard another loud bang - this one almost deafening - along with heavy boot steps shuffling through the house. The two men had broken in…Fuck! Her cell phone was inside her purse that she left in the kitchen; the very thought of going down there with two lunatics made her sick to her stomach but goddamn it she needed her phone! She’d have to take the chance, Mitch had to know about this and he needed to drop everything and come home right now.

She was thankful that she never wore shoes or slippers around the mansion, her footsteps were more quieter when she was barefoot. The brunette tip-toed through the house, carefully coming down the stairs with the handgun close to her and her finger resting lightly on the trigger. She’d pause when she heard the boot steps and was ready to take aim should they travel in her direction, but pressed on when they didn’t. The sound of glass shattering and things falling to the ground filled the otherwise silent mansion; what the hell were they doing besides looking for her? Were they here to rob the James family? Or were they here for something worse? Katrina shook those thoughts away and focused on getting to the kitchen, finally making it without being discovered. She quickly grabbed her phone before dashing to the bathroom to hide and make the call.

“Come on, come on, come on!” she whispered frantically as the ringing continued longer than she wanted it to. When it stopped, she was greeted by his beautiful voice and has never felt so happy to hear it. “Mitch! You need to come home now! There’s two guys in the house with guns and they’re trashing the place looking for me - Charlie’s safe and I have a gun but you need to get here a.s.a.p because I don’t know how long they’ll-AHHHH!”

The scream was the last thing she managed to get before the line was forcibly cut off when she dropped the phone seconds after one of the men, Mr. Scar, burst into the bathroom and reached to grab her by the hair. He yanked her hard, causing her to involuntarily drop the gun as she was dragged from the bathroom. She fought desperately, kicking and punching and struggling as hard as she could, but it did little good. Mr. Scar shoved her to the floor and kicked her hard in the stomach when she tried to crawl away. He sat overtop of her and slapped her when she screamed, then punched her when she spat at him. The assault lasted for five minutes but to Katrina it felt like hours; her body broken and bruised, skin stained with her own blood. When the bulking man ceased his attack, he grabbed Katrina by the hair again and forced her to look at him, though her vision was hazy. He got nose to nose with the bloody brunette and hissed viciously, “Big Sal sends his regards.” It was then that Katrina realized what all of this was about: Big Sal aka Salvatore Zarnecki, her fucking former fat piece of shit boss, was finally retaliating against her for quitting and leaving him. That bastard!

She managed to muster enough strength to kick Mr. Scar in the balls then, temporarily stunning him long enough for her to scamper to her feet and dash for the kitchen to grab one of the long and sharp knives, leaving a thick trail of blood behind in the process. Mr. Scar wasn’t too far behind however and caught up to her just as her fingers curled around the utensil drawer. She screamed and kicked some more, fighting him off enough to reach in and grab a knife, before she flipped onto her back and plunged it deep into his chest with an ear-shattering shriek. Mr. Scar gasped, his body going limp as he fell backwards onto the floor, the knife sticking out of his chest with blood beginning to pool around him. Though she was in a great deal of pain, Katrina pushed herself off the ground and swiftly unfastened his gun from his waistband and then went to find the other man - Mr. Gray. And she did find him, trying to break into Charlie’s room. Aiming the gun, Katrina cried out, “GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY SON!” before she fired off a round, hitting Mr. Gray in the shoulder. He cried out in pain but managed to scurry away and out of the house before Katrina could shoot him again.

With the chaos coming to an end, the wounded brunette unblocked the six year old’s bedroom door and entered it, softly calling out to him, telling him that it was safe to come out now. When he emerged, the first thing he did was run and jump into her arms; she ignored the agonizing pain that his actions caused her, fighting them off so that she could hug him back. She hushed him softly, whispering words of endearment as she tried to ease his fears and cease his sobs. She picked him up, despite how much it hurt, and laid down with him on his bed, her arms keeping him close to her no matter what, and they both waited for Mitch to come home.

[c0rpseductor]

@steakplissken yeah, like, in the situation which led to this whole thing i did admittedly act not my best, but i feel like an important part of who i am is im totally willing to admit that? idk if it’s wise to explain the whole situation here in any detail bc it could dig up (more) unnecessary drama should anyone involved in any sense see it. i think i can say pretty comfortably what happened on a public level, but bringing the private aspects in would be unfair.

the basic gist of things was i lost my temper over something which involved assault/csa and it sparked a huge fight. (i take responsibility for it, of course, because losing my temper was preventable.) after that the aforementioned girl started talking about how i was overzealous/made her feel as if she had to bend to my opinion/i was biased/etc. it wasn’t the fairest assessment of me IMO because it involved a lot of spin, and because it was posted in the wake of a good deal of vague posts “warning” people that i am a “dangerous” person. there is the possibility there was more going on behind the scenes. all of what ive mentioned here is or was basically public record and posted about pretty freely by the involved parties. the long post that went into detail about basically how my experiences make me too touchy to be a decent judge, that i’m too strict, etc, had a bit of traction, and a few people did block me over it.

later on i was told i was being deadnamed by this person. i didn’t follow her blog obsessively or anything, but some people who knew her did want to keep me abreast of the situation, so that’s how i found out about it. she had me blocked, but later on unblocked me temporarily and liked a post i made (i assume by accident?) and it was at that point i told her to stop using my deadname if she really needed to gossip about me. she claims she didn’t realize it was my deadname and imo it’d be unfair to call that into question.

later i was shown she made a post telling people not to send her my joke posts anymore, as i had messaged her and she was shaken. she didn’t specify what i said, of course, so i looked like the bad guy. go figure.

so like....legitimately im the first person to admit im totally flawed, i could’ve done a lot better and i DO very much have a hair-trigger temper at this particular issue. but i also think what went on in turning this into a public issue was disingenuous and i do feel as though there was some intent to make me look worse than is probably true. so. hopefully people will wise up eventually and with this kind of pattern of painting people to be leveling nonexistent attacks toward her i cannot imagine she will continue to get away with it

[firesoulstuff]

captain canary 32 &44? :)

Hope you enjoy a Doomworld AU!

“Shit,” Sara curses, still in thedoorway of her apartment, eyes locked onto the figure standing in her livingroom, the lights remaining off all around him. “Don’t you know any better thanto sneak into the apartment of a mercenary?” She demands, sheathing the knifeshe had pulled upon opening the door. He smirks as she steps in and closes thedoor, which should be her first clue that something isn’t right.

He waits for her to undo the tieson the back of her knee-high boots, watching patiently while she slides themoff and then does the same with her jacket. She isn’t blind to the sharp intakeof his breath when she removes her jacket, leaving her wearing only her tightleather pants and matching corset, but she doesn’t say anything. Ordinarily shewould play this situation very differently. It’s only on rare occasions thatLeonard Snart approaches her, and every time it’s because Thawne requires herand Amaya’s services without Darhk ever finding out. But he’s never gone so faras to break into her apartment before, and there is something about the look inhis eyes… he isn’t here on business.

At least, not business for Thawne.

With her coat placed on it’s properhook and putting her hands on her hips she looks around the apartment forsomething, though she isn’t sure what. Nothing is out of place, there’s nothingnew that he might have brought with him, everything is as it should be asidefrom the unannounced visitor.

“So what’s up?” She finally asks,accepting that she isn’t going to be able to figure out his motive for cominghere on her own.

He takes a careful step forward,not too close but close enough and serious enough that an unsettling feelingstarts up deep in the pit of her stomach; worry, she realizes, though she hasno idea what she’s worried about.

“I need to tell you something,” Hepractically whispers the sentence, and that’s all he says. She keeps watchinghim, waiting for him to say more but he looks like he has no idea how to dosuch a thing. “You might not believe me,” He eventually continues with a sigh,“And even if you do, you might not want to hear it.”

She crosses her arms over herchest, “Try me,” she challenges. She has both heard and seen some prettybizarre things, working for Damian Darhk will put you in that position, so shedoubts there’s something he can tell her that will be past her boundaries ofbelief.

He sighs, like he either doesn’tknow how to say whatever he’s trying to or he doesn’t want to. “This world,” Hebegins, “It isn’t supposed to be this way. Thawne, Darhk, and Merlyn usedsomething called The Spear of Destiny to change reality and create this twistedmess.”

He gives her a minute to processthat, and while it is a lot to take in it’s not so strange that she doesn’tbelieve him. Darhk is always prattling on about some kind of magical mumbojumbo, so a “Spear of Destiny” sounds like something right up his ally.

“You were trying to stop them,”Snart continues, “You, Amaya, Mick, and a whole team of people. But they gotthe upper hand and used the Spear to change reality so that they could have thepower, and they trapped you and your team here as their lackeys.”

Again, it isn’t the craziest thingshe’s ever heard.

“How do you know all this?” Shefinally asks, but it seems to be the last question that he wants to answer. Helooks away from her for a second before meeting her eyes again, and only inthat moment does Sara realize that she has, at some point, moved close enoughto him that she can feel his breath on her face. She doesn’t step away.

“I helped them,” he all but mumblesthe words, his tone filled with regret. “Me and Mick, we helped them take theSpear from you and your team.”

“So why are you telling me all thisthen?” Sara asks, “You have a change of heart or something?”

“Or something,” He half agrees,“The way our recruitment worked was Darhk used his magic to block about threeyears of my life from my memory. I was a part of your team, once, but he mademe forget it. He made me forget you. Then he told me of the sacrifices “myfuture self” would make and used that to get me to join him, then I persuadedMick.” He’s waiting for her to tell him she doesn’t believe any of this, andshe probably shouldn’t, but she does, every word. “Anyway, Mick’s the one whohad a change of heart. We were in a disagreement over it and he punched mesmack in the side of the head, and then he took my unconscious body with him soI wouldn’t go blabbing to Thawne that he’s gone rogue. But turns out he hit mehard enough to unblock my memories.” He reaches into his coat pocket, and inthe blink of an eye Sara has a knife drawn in response to the odd looking gunhe’s pulled but hasn’t yet pointed.

He looks at her, his gaze pleadingwith her to trust him, and he must take her lack of throat slitting as such.

“A member of your team made this,”he explains, “It’ll unblock your memories.”

He doesn’t try to shoot her;instead he just watches her and waits for her to decide. Eventually she nodsand puts away her knife. She shouldn’t trust him like this, shouldn’t trust theabsolutely insane story that just came out of his mouth, and she sure as hellshouldn’t be taking a step back as so to give him a clear shot; but she is. Shehardly knows him, here, but something in the way that he’s been looking at hermakes her think that in the unaltered reality they might be more than distantcolleagues. They could even be friends.

He takes a deep breath as shestands perfectly still, going against every instinct she has except for thevery strong and inexplicable one to trust this man, and the next thing sheknows he’s pulled the trigger.

First she has a headache, one sobad that she stumbles in disorientation as it all comes rushing back to her andthe next thing she knows she is looking very closely at the floor.

“Sara!” her name in a familiarvoice, but it’s impossible, because… no, he was just standing here and tellingher about what The Legion did. She feels hands on her shoulders, and shedoesn’t want to hope that they’re really his, but when she looks up it’s theworried eyes of a dead crook that she’s looking into.

He kneeling beside her, facelooking like he’s about to ask if she’s ok, but she never gives him the chance.Brining herself to her knees she wraps her arms tight around his neck andburies her face in his shoulder, relishing in the feeling of his arms findingtheir way around her waist. They stay like that for a minute, just kneeling onthe floor and holding each other, before she finally pulls away and they stand.

“You’re dead,” she says simply andhe smirks, that smug smirk that she’s missed so much in the last year.

“Not exactly,” he says, “Just stuckfloating around The Oculus, Thawne found me when him and his sidekicks set upshop. Not sure what will happen to me once we fix the world, it’ll be like thisnever happened, meaning you won’t remember me telling you this, and I won’tremember the Waverider.”

“Maybe not,” she promises and it’sabout now that Leonard notices he’s holding onto her hands, not that he’scomplaining. “Up until now I thought they had taken you from 2014, but if I trytaking you back there’ll already be a Leonard Snart there.”

He can’t help but smirk at her,“You really think you’ll be able to figure out it’s me?”

“Give me a chance,” she answerswith an expression to match his, “Give the team a chance, we’ll figure you out.In the meantime, let’s go kick The Legion’s ass.”

[regretstupidanddumb]

Friday 14th August 2020, 12:54am.

Soo this has been an interesting week for me.

I spoke to my girlfriend and told her that I have had doubts of our future for the last few months.

What are these issues ? Well, she’s too motherly and I feel very claustrophobic. She’ll help aid to do the simplest things and this makes me so emasculated, I can put on my hoodie by myself ! I know she only means well but it’s too much, I’m suffocating.

Sometimes she talks to me like I’m a kid, “obviously... actually....” it’s just beer vocabulary but it becomes irritating and I get triggered for some reason.

I told her I’m willing to work on our differences but all she did was constantly ask me what I wanted to do, she was very adamant to end it. I’m afraid she’s afraid of getting hurt again and would rather hastily end the relationship. To be fair, she does deserve sooo much better. I’m in no status to be able to offer her the relationship she deserves, I am the apitomy of a failure.

So now we’re on a 2 weeks break, I don’t even feel anything anymore. I’m just numb to any type of emotion. But I do know that you are an amazing girlfriend and I cannot offer you a life that you will enjoy. I am a lazy sack of shit. You even said that you had doubts. You liked to be active and do things like skydiving, I like to play board games... I’m a useless, dumb, narcissist sack of shit.

So guess what I do ? I try to reach out and message my ex.... as per usual. And she ignores me..... as per usual.

PLEASE I JUST WANT SOME CLOSURE, I MISS YOU SOOO MUCH.

Ever since snowy died I’ve wanted to confined in you, he loved you as much as I do and I know you cared for him. But I didn’t want to blab it out, I wanted to see you in person and tell you, but you never wanted to meet up.

(On Wednesday-21:51) I told you that I’m coming to see you. You told me “Sorry, can’t see u. I have an early day tomorrow .”

I can’t wait because I’m an impatient idiot.

I got to yours at 22:21 and message you that I’m downstairs and I want to see you for 10mins. I really wanted to say everything that’s on my chest. How much I regret not giving you my all, how I was lazy, how I miss talking to you, how I just want to hold you.

I wait for 15mins and give you another call, 22:42 you reply “Wilson, just go home. I don’t have time for this, sorry” and you block my number.

I don’t feel angry, I’ll never hate you. I just feel disappointed. I don’t know what I’ve done to you for you to feel the need to block my number. I’m... I don’t know. I can’t do this anymore.

Part of my is shocked, the other part already senses that it was coming.

I want to keep messaging you about how I feel, even though you won’t receive it. It’s knowing that you’ll never receive it but allowing me to release all the things I’ve wanted to say to you.

Maybe I’ll give you the username for this or/and my previous tumblr account so you can read all my thoughts of myself and our situation. You probably don’t care... you most definitely don’t care.

So it it goes:

Hi Thi, I know you’ve blocked my number and will probably not receive this message. But I want to tell you how I feel. On 23rd March, snowy passed away and the first person I wanted to speak to was you. You cared for snowy and he loved you. I wanted you to know because you deserve to know.

I bought you something for your birthday, it’s just a jumper and a birthday card to tell you that I will always love you unconditionally. I am happy as long as you are happy. If you want me to never message you again then I will stop, but I hope you’ll unblock me for me to find peace in knowing that you have forgiven me. If you ever need anything, I’m just 11 numbers away and I will do my absolute best to help you.

If you want, I had written a blog with all my thoughts of when we first got together. Username is: a**********.

Please do take a look.

I hope that one day we will meet and finally catch up so I can enjoyfully with all my heart, hear about your day.

Until then, it’s goodbye forever.

I will always love you and will always miss you T.

Good bye.

[iloveshippingkitty]

Hey yea hi the blacklist doesn't pick up posts tagged with tw, cw, or slashes unless they have that in their blacklist, most people don't have it like that in their blacklist, it not picking up on the tags because of the tw on the end doesn't mean they're logged out, consider not getting pissy at an anon having a panic/anxiety attack because they saw something they have blacklisted, a persons thoughts aren't right when they have one, anon didn't check your tags bc they were having an attack. :)

Okay so as much as I can explain the first anon is not the person at any point I had a problem and was very sorry for what I did which was not put the tag when I was reposting. If I knew who the original was I would apologise thoroughly directly. This was also not why I thought the other anonymous messages (unreleased) were being snidey. I thought they were being snidey cos when I blocked one message with full intention to answer the other with civility about the situation because that one was a real question both were deleted - with no name or any evidence that anyone had been logged in (because the name goes into your blocked people settings) and my ‘allow people to see my blog logged out’ section was on and here is where I believe that they were logged out. I was not in fact getting pissy about the first anon and do say it several times. So unless this person was the same person everytime I was not being pissy to the same person. And if it was the same person for all 3 (1 the first and the 2 unreleased) then they would have no way of avoiding the story as when logged out it is impossible to block a tag (again the block list proves the latter two were not logged in).I would like to reiterate, I do not want to think in any way that all 3 are the same person because avoidance would not have been possible when logged out. 

And double reiteration - once more - I am sorry first anon, it was dumb that I didn’t double check that when I spellchecked it 

Questions 1,2,3:

1- Please tag - “doneanddone” tagged on my retag reblog of the actual post

2 - No you didn’t and a link to the original ((where it has on the reblog notes the retag)) -  the one I was going to block because I was going to once again delete and reupload with full tags because I was back home on my computer and unblock so that when it was finally up I could tell whomever it was that everything was reuploaded with the appropriate tags.

3 - mentions of abuse are also triggering - the one I had full intention of replying with the fact of this is where I really messed up cos I sound like a twat (sound worse than that now) but the original that needed spellchecking so was deleted had abuse mentions on the warning - I was going to explain that I had put it on the original that was in fact deleted and I was very sorry for any tone that was implied.

When 2 and 3 where not only the same person but both offline and had no way of avoiding the fic, that is when I flipped my shit and I tried very hard while doing to explain I was not angry at first anon but an anon of 2 q’s that had been rattling me on a subject that I had done my best to ammend and they pried in as someone who wasn’t logged in so could sit there and yell and scream about how I didn’t have this or that yet.

Which was when I said ‘if you don’t like me, I don’t care’ because a lot of people were giving a young girl shit yesterday and that obviously shook her and I left caring about people who only had shit to say to me without any respect,  back in school and there is no way and no how I’m going back to that mentality.

(I really hope this just makes sense to someone)