#then turn around and call it discourse like lol what are we teenagers arguing about the word queer?

[nappingpaperclip]

no matter how respectful you are or how sound your argument is, if you respond to a liberals post with an opinion that challenges their cognitive dissonance they will find literally any justification to not respond to ur actual argument then turn around say this is the bad reading comprehension website and u misinterpreted them. “How dare u assume the words I said meant what they say!!”

[mistresseast]

can you explain in more detail why you think the PT weren't good friends for akiren? i'm not asking out of hate or to start drama, i just never interpreted things that way and i'm genuinely curious. i don't think them being brainwashed by maruki makes them "bad friends", but i don't know if that's what you meant either. i'd love to read a proper explanation on this that isn't just people arguing in the notes of that post.

Hi! Yeah, I know the ~discourse~ climate is pretty touchy and not a good place to exchange ideas, so I’ll do my best to put my thoughts on this matter into words. 

Settle in, bc this one is long.

I’ll start off by saying I don’t dislike the PT, nor do I think they’re bad people, and honestly I think they love Joker a lot! Ryuji calling Akira after his fake death and talking about how his ideas on what makes a hero have changed because of Akira genuinely makes me emotional, along with dozens of other scenes with the thieves! They’re good kids who could be really good friends to Akira but that’s not what’s shown in the game. I don’t think it’s controversial to say Akira’s relationships with all of his friends are transactional. That’s kind of the point, all of his confidants arise out of deals, give and take, and in the metanarrative of the game, that’s how it works. You as the player help these characters solve their problems, and through ranking their confidants up, you get access to more gameplay perks. So it’s pretty even!! But like,,Akira, the character, isn’t the player. There’s no in-story mechanic by which he can cash in friendship points for being-good-at-killing-things prizes. Yes, he uses those abilities to not die in the metaverse, but there is no literal, in-universe way to explain how hanging out with someone translates to [insert gameplay perk here]. So you have to look at what is physically happening in the story. Akira hangs out with the PT, stands there while they have drama with another irrelevant character, and then one way or another their problems get solved and they swear to be Akira’s blood brother or whatever. Akira is a crutch for these characters, and they say multiple times that they wouldn’t have been able to do what they did without him. So all of their shit gets handled and Akira gets?? Like actually gets?? What? Inquiries about his well-being? Offers to help him? Questions about his life, his interests? No,,,not really,, But he gets access to a super powerful persona!! Yay!!! Bc everyone knows he’s just a little shadow-killing machine, right? And even the relationships he does get something tangible (as in separate from the mechanics of the game) out of, like Kawakami’s, are built on the notion that if Akira stops providing for whatever reason, the relationship will end. So essentially, Akira is under the pressure of filling whatever role his friends need him in for however long at any time, and he’s been led to believe that if he stops or fails, he will stop receiving any reciprocal care and acceptance.

(And I know this is all gameplay stuff, I know it has to be like this to codify the complicated process of human relationships, I know all of that, I’m just trying to find a deeper layer bc that’s what I do.)

This whole thing comes into pretty clear focus for me during the third semester when you visit everyone in the false reality. Everyone is happy to see him, of course, but they’re clearly wrapped up in their own happiness. Which is understandable, again, I’m not saying the PT need to be attached to Akira to be good friends, but it all still feels off to me.

If they know Joker, then they’d know it’s weird that he just shows up and starts asking these pointed questions while they’re in the middle of something. All of their other interactions with him have been led by them. Yeah, Joker approaches them bc the player has decided to hang out with them, but the other character always chooses the activity and leads the discussion. Akira showing up out of nowhere and asking them to “remember” and “move on” and whatnot should be raising some major red flags. And it clearly does, since their memories do start to return, but they’re all too scared of losing their happiness that they nope out of the conversation as soon as possible, without stopping to consider why Joker might be trying to reach out to them like that. They’re his friends; they should know he wouldn’t just be trying to hurt them or make them unhappy. After all, their entire relationship with him up til that point has been exclusively about Joker trying to help them. This doesn’t make the PT bad people, running away is a totally natural reaction in that situation. They’re just kids, and their minds have been manipulated to a point, but it’s not like they don’t remember Joker or the way they’ve grown since meeting him. In fact many of them mention how much they’ve matured recently, but they never actually relate that back to Akira, despite him being the primary driving force behind most of their personal arcs, even though they definitely remember him. Translation vagueness or deliberate nod to the idea that the PT don’t actually credit Akira with all the hard work he did after their initial lip service? Hmmm. Anyway, their failure to recognize that Joker is struggling just demonstrates to me what was set up all throughout their confidant links, that their relationships are transactional and that they don’t necessarily consider Joker and his individual needs outside of what he provides for them. And when they no longer need him bc that hole has been filled, he simply doesn’t occupy the same place of importance in their lives. 

Makoto’s flashback in particular stood out to me, bc it was from a moment where she was specifically talking about feeling like she finally found a place to belong with the Phantom Thieves (and by extension, with Joker), but then she desperately tries to brush it off. Obviously that sense of belonging wasn’t meaningful enough to her for her to want it back. And I’m not blaming her, of course, any teenager would choose to have their father back over being in a vigilante group lmao, I just thought it was telling that the devs decided to show us a scene that was originally meant to be heartwarming as an example of the harsh reality Makoto wants to forget. All of the flashbacks are from defining moments for the thieves, but that one specifically got me like *thinking emoji*

So his friends are hesitant, despite the fact that they must know something is wrong. It’s understandable, they all stand to lose a lot if someone messes with the status quo. I genuinely don’t think I would react any differently. But there is someone who reacts differently and against his own self-interest. It’s Goro, the one who has arguably the most to lose, who doesn’t turn away from Akira. He seeks Akira out and teams up with him to uncover what’s really going on, even though he has every reason to believe that prodding too deep will literally mean the end of his life. He forces Akira and himself to face the truth because he knows anything else would just be an insult to what they’ve suffered so far. He’s the only one who never flinches, and that, more than any of his friends’ come-to-jesusing (which Akira still has to initiate) is what Akira needs in that situation. For the first time (outside of the brief instances in the tutorial levels), we see a situation where Akira is actually the dependent one, the one who needs help, who needs support. And the only one who has ever provided that, unconditionally, without demanding anything in return, is Goro. I could go into how Goro’s confidant blows all of the others out of the water in terms of building both himself AND Akira as characters, but it’s been said already and by smarter people than me. But basically, despite competition being a core theme of their relationship, Goro is the only character who is portrayed as Akira’s equal. Their contests are all in the name of improving not just Goro, but Akira too. Goro is the only character who expresses an interest in Akira’s inner life and development, and as such he knows Akira better than anyone else. So when Maruki tries to trap them all in a gilded birdcage, Goro won’t stand for it and he knows Akira won’t stand for it either. That’s why he’s so betrayed if you choose to accept the dreamworld. You’re negating the basis of your entire relationship with him and going against your own principles. Out of every character in the game, the one who knows Akira best and refuses to abandon him even when that could mean his own death is Goro Akechi.

I want to reiterate: I do not hate or even dislike the PT!! And tbh I don’t really think they “abandoned” Akira. That post, imo, is supposed to be kind of hyperbolic. Unless it’s referring to how many of them literally sprint away when he comes to talk to them lol. I look at it more like a commentary on how thoughtlessly the PT act as soon as their wishes are granted. I know it’s set up linearly for story purposes, but isn’t it kind of sad how no one checks up on Akira in the week he’s going around talking to people? Especially after he’s been acting so comparatively weird? It’s not unusual that they might be caught up in other stuff, but while you’re going around and visiting everyone, you don’t get a single text or call from ANY of the thieves, for a whole week!! Goro even comments on it directly with his pointed little “I’m sure you’re just as close as you were before” comment. God, he’s such a bitch. Ultimately, the PT do get their acts together, and it’s partially out of the realization that Akira is struggling alone against something and needs their help, which I love and appreciate. I think they are good friends who want to support Akira, but they can’t understand him past the role they’ve placed him in, and until they do, they’ll never be able to be what he needs. Akira loves his friends and knows he can rely on them in most ways, but those relationships will always be dogged by the pervasive fear that he must constantly earn the right to have the relationship at all. What he needs MOST is someone he doesn’t have to perform for, and from what we see in the game, none of the thieves fit that bill. Except Goro. 

I know this was long and rambly and probably pretty disjointed but I wanted to be as thorough as possible and all of my thoughts just sort of gushed out. Obviously ymmv about all of this depending on how you interpret the game, but this is what I arrived at thanks to my analysis so this is what I have for you! Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 253: That Good Angst

Previously on BnHA: The villain Ending, whose name in retrospect is hella melodramatic for a guy whose power is MAKING ROAD MARKINGS COME TO LIFE, kidnapped Natsuo and then deservedly got his ass kicked by three teenagers. Endeavor won the manga’s coveted Best Hug award, made up by me just now, and then gave one of the best monologues in the whole series, basically owning up to all his crimes and saying he doesn’t want or deserve his son’s forgiveness. And he didn’t get it either, which was excellent. Instead, he announced to his kids that he was building them a new home for them to go live in with their mother and without him. Meanwhile Katsuki was all, “btw I’ve decided on my new hero name,” and the ENTIRE FANDOM was all “!!!!” until he went on to say, “but I ain’t revealing SHIT until I’ve told it to Best Jeanist,” which caused everyone to collectively wince and awkwardly glance at each other wondering who’s going to break it to him. Uh.

Today on BnHA: hAHAHAHAHHA.

Sorry, I forgot to turn my capslock back off. Anyways, so we return to U.A. and everything is all “HAPPY NEW YEAR IIDA!” and “STILL ON ABOUT THAT UNREQUITED LOVE THING, HUH OCHAKO?” and “LOOKS LIKE THAT SCAMPISH IMP BAKUGOU IS AT IT AGAIN!” and all the usual stuff. We then have a complete switch of gears, and I seriously mean like the GEAR SWITCH TO END ALL GEAR SWITCHES, as we cut to Aizawa and Mic driving to Tartarus! Why are they driving to Tartarus you ask? Well it’s because they got a call from Naomasa and he was all “hey, so you know your deceased childhood friend from chapters 59 through 65 of Vigilantes? Well IT TURNS OUT I HAVE A FUNNY STORY ABOUT THAT.” Anyway so the rest of this chapter can basically be summed up as (1) LOL SO KUROGIRI WAS REALLY SHIRAKUMO ALL ALONG, and (2) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

btw the whole reason I spoiled myself in the first place was because my dumbass id was all “WE SHOULD CHECK IF THEY MENTION THE HERO NAME” and I was like “YES” and just immediately lost all self-control. like it wasn’t an accidental click or anything; I was fully aware of what I was doing. lord knows what I would have done if I actually had been spoiled about the hero name lol. that would have been so much worse than the spoiler I actually got, so yeah. just stupid decisions all around. anyways how are you

no BnHA thumbnails on the Mangastream homepage today. must mean Kacchan didn’t make any good faces. ah well

lmao the chapter is literally titled “Shirakumo.” well I guess I wasn’t spoiled much after all. I did catch a half-glimpse (I was trying not to look; like, I had my fingers covering my eyes and was peeking through them. again, I’m not really sure what I was trying to accomplish in the first place honestly) of what seemed to be Aizawa with a shocked expression on his face though, so that’s why I was so convinced Kumo was somehow coming back from the dead or something. WE SHALL SEE

MY FORMULA 1 SON!!

lol I’m having one of those Berenstein moments. like. he didn’t always have those huge exhaust pipes running out from his sides and from either leg, right? those are just for this cover. or else something new and fancy he just added to his suit. right??

anyway so yes, Iida is the color page this week, just as we all expected from a chapter titled “Shirakumo”

“WINTER BREAK WAS OVER IN A FLASH” oh man. ain’t that always the way

wow I’ve really missed U.A. like, we’re cutting to these panels of USJ and the stadium, and it’s so fucking nostalgic geez. we weren’t even gone that long

Deku’s voiceover is talking about how they only have three months left in their “tumultuous” first year. ha. tumultuous. if Deku hadn’t met up with All Might, he could have easily fallen back on a career in PR; he’s got a gift for phrasing things diplomatically

Iida is wishing everyone a happy new year! happy new year Iida!!

he’s announcing that their class will be an action report meeting, which apparently means everyone’s gonna share what they learned over the winter break

but now he’s telling everyone to come down to Field Alpha, which Mangastream annoyingly spelled out with the Greek symbol α, forcing me to look it up because I’m sorry but I don’t speak math. ?? like what is this

now Aizawa’s sliding the door open all CRANKY because he’s MISSING HIS NAP

but Mina is all smooth like,

Mina could also have had a promising future in PR. well it’ll still serve them well in their hero careers too

oh my lord

WHAT is that FACE, Iida. just what. is that an eyebrow waggle. what the fuck. he looks like the next words out of his mouth were going to be “sliding into people’s dms”

jokes’s on you Horikoshi!! you think a panel like this will stop my “stupid sexy Iida” jokes? IT ONLY MAKES ME LOVE HIM MORE

oh? someone on the loudspeaker is calling Aizawa and summoning him to the faculty room. I wonder what this could be about. probably nothing!

now we’re cutting to the changing room and the girls are admiring Ochako’s new costume!

I’ll add an ETA later where I actually analyze the changes in her costume. right now let’s just pretend like I’m aware of what actually changed. I swear I pay attention to things. by the way, why would the suitcase get heavy? her quirk can be applied to anything can’t it?

(ETA: so the costume changes are (1) an upgrade to her gauntlets, and (2) an upgrade to her headset. so anyway that’s pretty cool, even if it was really only brought up in this chapter so that we could get that SWEET YA ROMANCE DRAMA. which I know annoys some people, but at this point I feel like Horikoshi only throws it in because he’s expected to, and the way he does it is so adorably reluctant that I can’t help but enjoy it at this point lol.)

OH MY GOD

OCHAKO YOU KEPT DEKU’S CHRISTMAS PRESENT TO YOU IN YOUR HERO COSTUME FOR GOOD LUCK, OH MY GOD. (1) YOU ARE THE LITERAL CUTEST, (2) IT’S TIMES LIKE THIS I’M GLAD I SHIP BASICALLY EVERYTHING BECAUSE THIS IS A DELIGHT, and (3) MINA’S REACTION TO THIS IS ABOUT TO BE MY FAVORITE THING OF ALL TIME, SO LET’S COUNT DOWN TO IT IN 3... 2...

okay but before we click to the next page, I just need to draw everyone’s attention to the background of that Jirou panel, where I’m pretty sure that is Ochako acquiring Hagakure’s quirk in a moment of transcendent desperation, much like how parents are able to summon incredible strength in times of crisis to lift cars off of their trapped children and shit. we are witnessing the next stage of human evolution over here

-- oh fuck me

hello, Horikoshi? yes, this was supposed to be a cute moment of teens being teens and giggling over high school crushes. did you not get the memo. what are you doing here with this sucker punch of feels right to my fucking kidneys. why would you do that. why does this panel of Ochako make me want to fucking cry, I did not ask for this

(ETA: but like also, you see how he just instantly drops the subject less than a panel later lol. like “THERE’S YOUR ROMANCE PLOT, OKAY?? NOW BACK TO THE REANIMATED BRAINWASHED CHILDHOOD FRIENDS ARC.”)

meanwhile in the boy’s locker room! so apparently word has spread about Deku mastering Bloopwhip!

so Ojiro is evidently fucking ripped under that karate gi. Ojiro, this one corner of a panel with you facing away from the screen is possibly the most interesting thing you’ve ever done. have you considered what a costume change might do for your image. I’m just saying

lmao Deku

I have never in my life found the idea of Villain Deku even remotely convincing until this exact moment. jesus christ. Deku are you sure there isn’t a little piece of AFO horcrux soul in you right at this moment. just wondering. if it was Kaminari doing this, the headline for this chapter would be “KAMINARI 100% CONFIRMED THE TRAITOR” and even I would find myself hard-pressed to argue at this point

anyway, the hero we deserve is stepping in to bring him back to reality sob

(ETA: I’m not even going to check the bnha tag to see if there is discourse about this, because I already know!! because clearly this is a very serious panel which should be taken 100% seriously!! anyway I’m not even going to go here lol.)

it’s okay kids I’m already dialing 911. Kacchan, honey, come here. listen, we need to put you in a time out. I love you but you can’t just go around throwing your spiky headgear at people like a fucking tomahawk, and also what the fuck is that thing even made of jesus christ

sob is Deku actually fucking dead

and so, while the girls were having cute shoujo drama about a romantic All Might plush, over in the boy’s locker room an actual murder was going down

FSDKDJL

I can’t. stop laughing. I

and the way they’re all just staring at him and clearly have no idea what to fucking do at this point. “so should we just... leave it in, then?” lmao Horikoshi what the fuck kind of substance did you ingest before you went and drew this. I need me some of that

(ETA: and now that I’ve mostly stopped laughing, I would also just like to point out that he is essentially saying “I just had to stop thinking so hard about it and just do it”, which I’ve only been saying SINCE FOREVER, DEKU, but sure go ahead and don’t listen to me then!)

ALL MIGHT IS...

WHY, YOU ASK? WHO CARES!!

lol apparently it’s a pun. someone go over there and check to make sure this All Might isn’t actually a bunch of Mirios hidden underneath a trench coat

anyway so they’re completely unimpressed, because they’re all jaded fucking teenagers with no souls, and they’re asking where Aizawa is

is this the part where we slide right back into the angst after our brief humorous interlude with the kiddos. because I am ready. bring it

OOOOH HERE WE GO, LOOK AT THIS TENSION

SO HERE WE HAVE MIC ACTUALLY TELLING AIZAWA TO SHUT THE FUCK UP, AND IT’S CONFIRMED, THE WORLD IS ENDING

and look at Aizawa’s body language. arms crossed, fingers tapping anxiously, gritting his teeth. fucking Mic has to tell him to calm down. jesus christ. anyway so Aizawa angst is apparently MY DRUG you guys, and Horikoshi you can go right ahead and INJECT THAT SHIT STRAIGHT INTO MY VEINS

AHHHHHHH

OHHHHHH THAT’S GOOD. I might need someone to come and slap me in the face in another minute just to make sure I can continue here

-- HOLD UP, WHAT

THAT SOUND YOU HEAR IS THE SOUND OF MY MENTAL BRAKES SCREECHING TO A FUCKING HALT, EVERYONE HOLD THE FUCK UP WHILE I DO A QUICK MENTAL ROLL CALL OF THE VILLAIN CAST AT USJ. FUCK ME, PLEASE TELL ME HE WASN’T THE NOUMU. BUT ASIDE FROM HIM AND TOMURA, AND THE FACELESS NO-NAME VILLAINS, THAT ONLY LEAVES... OKAY MY BRAIN JUST SERIOUSLY FROZE UP WHILE PROCESSING THIS, BECAUSE NO FUCKING WAY

fuck me fuck me FUCK ME

there is no fucking way it can really be Kurogiri, can it?? Kumo didn’t have a portal quirk. but All For One, though?? but no wait because we know he didn’t have that quirk because he had to use the other teleportation one instead. John’s or whoever’s

so then the only other option is the Noumu. could this be the start of the Noumu arc at long last?! oh my godddddd I’m about to get up out of my seat and just jump around for a second to get all my nerves out. ahhhhhhh

Horikoshi knew full well what he was doing titling the chapter “Shirakumo” and then teasing us with this incredibly tense buildup, too. I have actual fucking chills

oh my god IT REALLY IS THE NOUMU ISN’T IT

I HATE AND LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS SIMULTANEOUSLY, IT IS THE WEIRDEST FEELING. IT’S BOTH INVIGORATING AND TERRIFYING HOLY SHIT

I WANTED THIS. I KNEW IT WAS GONNA BE DARK. I WANTED IT SO BAD AND I COULDN’T WAIT FOR IT AND NOW IT’S FINALLY HAPPENING AND WHAT A FUCKING WAY TO KICK IT OFF I JUST!!!

AHHHHH

DON’T MIND ME PLEASE CONTINUE AND IGNORE ALL OF MY SILENT SCREAMING!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AIZAWA IS ABOUT TO LOSE HIS FUCKING MIND. HIS CLOSEST FRIEND WAS DESECRATED AND VIOLATED IN AN UNIMAGINABLE WAY AND TRANSFORMED INTO SOMETHING UNRECOGNIZABLE WITH ALL TRACES OF HUMANITY LOST, AND THIS WHOLE TIME HE THOUGHT HE WAS FUCKING DEAD. THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE A THERAPY FOR THAT, PEOPLE. THAT IS THE KIND OF ANGST THERE’S NO COMING BACK FROM

ANYWAY, SO THERE’S THAT SHOCKED AIZAWA FACE I CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF YESTERDAY, NOW WITH HORRIFIC CONTEXT, AND IF ANYONE NEEDS ME I’LL JUST BE HERE IN THE CORNER SETTING MY KEYBOARD TO PERMANENT CAPSLOCK, AND UPDATING MY SEXUAL ORIENTATION TO “THE FUCKED-UP AIZAWA ANGST IN THIS CHAPTER” BECAUSE THAT’S APPARENTLY WHAT IT IS AND ALL THIS TIME I NEVER KNEW

OH GODDDDD

BRB UPDATING MY ORIENTATION AGAIN TO “MIC’S COMFORTING HAND ON AIZAWA’S SHOULDER AS AIZAWA STRUGGLES TO HOLD ON TO THE LAST OF HIS COMPOSURE WHILE TRYING AND FAILING TO PROCESS THIS UNFATHOMABLY HEINOUS THING THAT’S ABOUT TO BE REVEALED”

(ETA: and also!! the fact that either Mic’s hand is shaking, or Aizawa is shaking so badly that it’s affecting Mic’s hand on his shoulder too! either way how the hell am I not literally dead after reading this chapter, I don’t even know.)

WAIT WHAT!!!!

THE CORE?! SO WAIT, IS IT KUROGIRI THEN??? OR WHAT?!

(ETA: I know I’m just inserting random commentary all over the place at this point, but like, can we also talk about how Naomasa looks like he hasn’t slept in eleven years?? this is taking such a toll on his soul here and it’s heartbreaking.)

OH MY GOD!!!!!

I WISH I COULD BETTER DESCRIBE THIS FEELING BECAUSE IT’S REALLY SOMETHING!! I’M SO EXCITED AND AT THE SAME TIME FULLY AWARE OF HOW I’M DELIGHTING IN THE PAIN OF THESE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS, SO IT’S LIKE THIS GUILTY SADISTIC GLEE AND AT THE SAME TIME SHOCK AND EXCITEMENT AND DAMN NEAR A KIND OF ELATION AT BEING FULLY TAKEN FOR A RIDE BY THIS EPIC FUCKING TWIST. IT’S GOOD SHIT

SDLKFJASLKDFJ;LKS

(ETA: so if they can trace quirk factors like this, they should be able to do it with the other Noumu they have in captivity, and also with any dead Noumus they’ve collected as well, yes? including the one that Stain killed a few months back? like, don’t mind me, I’m just sitting here trying to calculate the Six Degrees of Bakuangst for this plotline seeing as my brain, as ever, is focused on one thing and one thing only.

and so if they have managed to ID some of the Noumus, would that info maybe be on the Hero Network? meaning Endeavor would have access? would the interns then have access too? or if not, is his password something easily guessable, like Shouto’s birthday or something? will I ever stop running out of hypothetical scenarios along these lines? doesn’t seem likely as of now.)

“SEVERAL DIFFERENT QUIRK FACTORS” HOLY SHIT, AFO. THAT MANIAC. THIS WHOLE TIME MY RESPECTED DOCTOR OF MEDICINE WAS REALLY A HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUT WHO GOT CONKED ON THE HEAD BY SOME FALLING ROCKS ONE DAY. THE GRANDDADDY OF ALL TWISTS!! THIS TWIST WAS CONCEIVED IN THE BOOK OF GENESIS!!

AND BY THE WAY, THANK YOU AGAIN TO THAT ANON, BECAUSE HOLY SHIT THE EMOTIONAL IMPACT IS FUCKING RAW. ONCE I FINALLY COME DOWN FROM THIS BIZARRE HIGH I’M GOING TO CRY FOR AIZAWA BECAUSE HE IS HURTING SO BAD RIGHT NOW AND I CAN’T EVEN, SOMEONE SAVE HIMMMM

WELL FOLKS. THERE IT IS. HORIKOSHI FINALLY HOOKING US UP WITH THAT GOOD ANGST. THE PLOT THAT WAS PROMISED. THE ANGST THAT WAS AVOWED. YOU GUYS I CAN’T BELIEVE AIZAWA SHOUTA WAS SHIGARAKI TOMURA’S FUCKING UNCLE THIS WHOLE FUCKING TIME. HOLY SHIT

AND YOOOO I JUST HAD A BUNCH OF THOUGHTS THAT I CAN BARELY EVEN PROCESS RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THIS REVELATION OPENS UP SO MANY NEW DOORS NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN THOUGH. BUT LIKE, IF AFO AND UJIKO WERE IN THE BUSINESS OF TAKING CHILDREN’S CORPSES AND REVIVING THEM AND INFUSING THEM WITH UPGRADED QUIRKS AND NO MEMORIES OF THEIR PRIOR LIVES, THEN HOLY FUCKING SHIT, WHAT IF A CERTAIN TODOROKI SIBLING REALLY DID FUCKING DIE AND HAS ACTUALLY BEEN A PUPPET OF AFO’S THIS ENTIRE TIME OH MY GOD. THIS CHAPTER IS JUST!!!

(ETA: yeah I actually have a lot of thinking to do about this one, because holy shit. I mean there must be a reason we’re getting this reveal directly on the heels of the Todoangst Arc with all of its talk about Touya and how dead he is, right? god I’m still trying to wrap my head around it all. this stupid manga!!)

AND AIZAWA’S FACE. THE WAY HE’S COVERING HIS MOUTH AS THOUGH TRYING TO KEEP HIMSELF FROM BEING SICK. THE MAN WHO PRIDES HIMSELF ON HIS RATIONALITY IS SO COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED BY EMOTION THAT HE’S STRUGGLING TO KEEP IT TOGETHER. THIS IS THE DEFINING WOUND OF HIS CHILDHOOD, RETURNING ALL OF A SUDDEN TO STAB HIM RIGHT IN THE HEART ALL OVER AGAIN WITH A FRESH NEW KIND OF HORROR. MIC, YOU’D BETTER BE THERE FOR HIM AFTER THIS, BECAUSE HE’S GOING TO FUCKING BREAK DOWN IN THE CAR ON THE RIDE HOME OR SOMETHING PROBABLY, AND HE NEEDS YOU, AND YOU PROBABLY NEED HIM TOO, AND FUCK

I DON’T HAVE SPACE FOR ALL THIS ANGST IN MY HOUSE!!! BUT LIKE HELL AM I GIVING ANY OF IT BACK, IT’S MINE NOW AND I’M KEEPING IT!! I WILL FUCKING RENT OUT A STORAGE LOCKER FOR THE EXCESS!! I WILL HOARD IT ALL LIKE A GREEDY DRAGON IN MY CAVE. THIS ANGST IS MY CHILD NOW. FUCKING SUBSCRIBED, GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE

[voltronfandomhag]

"Or we that we hate most of the male GoLion pilots because they were 20 something year-old men who spent about half the series ogling a teenage girl." Can you explain this?

In GoLion all the male pilots had a crush on Princess Fala (Allura) to varying degrees. I’m going to show you a few examples to get my point across. 

There’s a scene in “Introducing Beautiful Honerva” where Fala dashes straight to castle control from her bath, clad only in a bath towel, to answer Raible’s (Coran’s) summons. 

The male pilots all blatantly ogle her:

The rest of this is going behind a cut because of all the images. Also, there’s going to be some discourse and salt. So if you want to avoid that, consider yourself warned. 

There’s a scene in “Friday the 13th” where the team is swimming in the lake surrounding the castle. Fala wears a tiny pink bikini. 

Here is Kurogane and Seido’s (Lance and Hunk’s) reaction to the sight:

In “Altea’s Sister Planet” there’s a scene where Fala lets her pet mouse Platt climb into her flight suit to escape the cold.

Kurogane’s reaction: 

In “The Prince Imperial’s Dark Love” Raible and the male pilots are rowing a boat around the lake while Fala waves to her people gathered around the shore. Kurogane asks Raible why they’re doing this:

All the pilot pilots dive into the water and race to pick Fala flowers in hopes of receiving a kiss. 

All the male pilots also had crushes on Allura in Voltron. I also feel it’s important to note that in both shows these crushes largely fade into the background as the story progresses. However there are a few key differences between how this plays out in GoLion vs Voltron: 

1) While Kogane (Keith) is also attracted to Fala, nothing becomes of it, with Kogane becoming more akin to a mentor/big brother figure to Fala. In Voltron this attraction eventually develops into a budding romance between Keith and Allura.

2) Allura’s age is never stated in Voltron. The narrative, however, treats her as around the same age as the grown male pilots. Also, changes to the time-line in Voltron vs GoLion suggest she could very likely be a few years older than Fala. Most people in the fandom headcanoned her as being around 18 to early 20s. 

3)GoLion states Fala is 16 years-old. We’re never given ages for the male pilots but fans generally assume that they’re around 20-24 years-old, with the obvious exception of Suzuishi (Pidge).

Now, this is where we get to discussion of how some of the self-identified anti-fans who actually watched GoLion handled this and the double standards involved. Most of them did, to some degree, acknowledge that supposedly 20-something year-old dudes wanting to romance a 16 year-old was problematic. This stuff was one of the reasons many of them condemned Kallura, including VLD Kallura, as problematic trash. Never mind Keith and Allura are both teenagers in VLD; never mind they’re likely both adults in DoTU; never mind both of them are undeniably adults in Voltron Force and V3D. All versions of the pairing must be hated because of the GoLion dynamic.  

However, many antis really liked Kogane, Kurogane, and Seido! They liked those characters in other Voltron retellings too, especially VLD (until they turned on the show, anyway)! You could argue that since all these characters were teenagers in VLD, it wouldn’t make sense to hate them because of what happened in GoLion. But remember, according to them we’re supposed to hate Kallura because of the age difference in GoLion. Also, according to their logic regarding Lotor, we can’t separate a character from their past incarnations.

This refusal to apply the same logic and standards to all the characters led to this weird state of acknowledging GoLion’s problematic aspects while at the same time shifting blame or downplaying them when convenient. I once saw a post from anti-fan blaming Kurogane’s behavior towards Fala on the writers, for example. Like, I don’t know how to tell you this, but none of these characters have any agency of their own. Literally everything they do is because a writer had them do it. Then these fans would talk about how glad they were the guys (or the writers) “learned better.”

There were also a lot of post from these people calling the grown male GoLion pilots “space dads” and Fala their adopted daughter. Ugh, yeah, it’s very obvious they didn’t see Fala as a daughter figure.  Now, you could argue they eventually came to see her as a sister figure. Like I said, their crushes on her gradually faded away about halfway into the story. But why would people in their early 20s see a 16 year-old as a daughter to them?! lol 

But, of course, these types of fans are always going to find reasons why the characters and ships like are okay even when, by their logic, they should be condemned as problematic trash. Meanwhile, characters and ships they don’t like will somehow, always, because be garbage no one should ever touch. So naturally they’re not going to apply a consist logic to everything or else their arguments would fall apart. 

[aelinbitch-archive]

unpopular opinion: i don’t like rowan/rowaelin. i’m not here to convince u to unstan lol ppl are allowed to like/dislike things w/o feeling bad about it omg but i hate that some rowan stans are so insensitive when it comes to those who don’t like him! they’re so thirsty for him that they condemn anyone who doesn’t stan him & then excuse his problematic/lowkey triggering actions bc he’s hot and it’s gross. AGAIN not saying ppl can’t like rowan it’s ok lol but it’s more about some stan’s behavior

That’s totally fair my angel. I dislike the vibe that some people are locked out of the fandom for not being a cheerleader for every aspect of the series, and I hope that my followers/mutuals know that if they dislike stuff I like, or like stuff I dislike, expressing their opinions regarding that won’t ever cause me to cut them off (unless it’s like, some truly gross shit, which disliking rowaelin isn’t). 

Also I have to say, even tho I do like rowaelin, I understand where you’re coming from about people excusing his actions because he’s hot. I’ve toooooootally seen that. And I’ll just be 100% honest - no shade to anyone, but some of the rowaelin content on this website disturbs me a little bit, in terms what’s considered hot/romantic/acceptable when writing or depicting them in art. I’ve seen some weird stuff defended as hot or even just “not that bad.” Which isn’t necessarily a problem with canon, but your ask was more about stans anyway, so yeah. 

A while ago I actually wrote rowaelin meta in response to some other peeps (which was more about Aelin in relation to Rowaelin and how she’s included or not included in discussions of the ship, but it has some thoughts relevant to this ask) so I’m gonna just copy and paste what I wrote below and feel free to read if u want. (It’s like very overdramatic and fiery lmao but anyway). 

I agree with a lot of this, but (at risk of derailing ms aelinapologist’s amazing post) I do have a few things to say, which are

1. OP took two whole paragraphs at the beginning of her post to say that the point wasn’t to discourse about rowaelin being abuse or not abuse, it was to talk about how the conversations centering around said abuse consistently display a disturbing lack of empathy for the character who should be the main concern of the debate. So I just find it a bit funny/odd that the replies (including a portion of the one I’m about to make, I admit that) have been like “Yeah great post! And now to discourse about Rowaelin-” but I digress.

2. I have consistently loved reading about Rowan and Aelin and they’re one of my favorite fictional couples. So nothing I’m about to say is intended to be like “GOTCHA they suck and you suck for liking them!!!” Because I like them as well. A lot. And in addition, nothing about this reblog is intended to be shady or confrontational in any way shape or form. I just think this is a great and very needed discussion I’d like to contribute to, so here goes.

3. Even if we look at HoF alone and ignore how things play out later: yes, they are both mean to one another, yes, they are both in a dark place and end up having a mutually positive effect on one another (so I definitely agree that, at least for HoF alone, it’s not a “douchey guy changes for the heroine story”) but. There IS still a power imbalance. I don’t think it’s entirely accurate to say “they were both bad The End” without also bringing up the fact that Rowan is 300 years old and Aelin is 18, and that Rowan is training Aelin and is in a position that gives him a massive amount of control over her, and that he is stronger and more powerful than her physically, magically, and socially (he is a prince and legendary warrior, she is a AWOL teenage princess currently working as a scullery maid).

Maybe I’m reading into it too much, but I really just don’t think that Aelin, a 17 y/o girl going through an unimaginably shitty time, being like “fuck you!!” to this 300 y/o jerk who doesn’t know shit about her is on the same level as aforementioned 300 y/o jerk hitting her, biting her, and telling her she would have been of more use to the world if she’d died when she was eight.

And in addition to that, we see that his behavior effects her a lot more than it effects him. When he verbally tears her down, we see her experience genuine and devastating despair and shame, whereas everything she does and says to him, no matter how snarky or outright cruel, is not having that same effect on him. People always seem to think they’re giving Aelin credit for being a Strong Woman™ by saying “she’s tough! she can handle it!” when in reality… we have evidence for the fact that she kinda can’t handle it. That the way he treats her in the beginning is slowly wearing her down and sending her deeper into a depressive state. And I don’t understand how it somehow reflects poorly on Aelin (or is even misogynist) to acknowledge this. Women, especially literal teenage girls, should not be measured by their tolerance for mistreatment.

All I really wish is that somewhere along the line we’d gotten a genuine apology from Rowan for this besides a throwaway line in KoA about regretting their “brawling.” And again, none of this is to say “see!! it IS abuse!!” it’s just to suggest that, even as an enemies to friends to lovers story, the “enemies” part was not exactly on a level playing field.

4. But with that being said, I could probably forgive the imbalance in their early relationship, mostly because their later relationship, as both friends and lovers, is so amazing and supportive in pretty much every way. And the great thing about enemies to FRIENDS to lovers, like you said, is that 1) none of the assholery occurred during any kind of romantic or sexual relationship or a transition into one, so it was sort of “fair and square” in that way, and 2) they had the opportunity form a solid, platonic foundation of trust and caring before they crossed into the lover territory.

Aaaaaaaaaand then Sarah did a retcon job on HoF which negated… pretty much all of that. I can totally be down with “good old fashioned mutual hatred thaws into caring which grows into love” but once we start hearing shit like “‘Sometimes, you’d be sleeping beside me at Mistward, and it’d take all my concentration not to lean over and bite them. Bite you all over’” and “‘That was the first time I really lost control around you, you know. I wanted to chuck you off a cliff, yet I bit you before I knew what I was doing. I think my body knew, my magic knew. And you tasted… So good. I hated you for it’”……. hhhhhhhhhhh.

I can’t think of many arguments for this NOT contributing at least a little to the “he’s mean because he loves you (and stick it out because someday he’ll figure it out)” trope. And while it might be a bit different because Aelin was quite mean as well, her behavior was just… meanness. Not some sort of weird outlet for repressed sexual attraction/love. I guess I just get flashbacks of “No sweetie, that boy in your class kicks your desk, pulls your hair, and calls you names because he likes you and doesn’t know how to express it.”

And I think this decision on Sarah’s part to go back and say he was into her all along is 1) a result of the mating bond thing she’s so fond of and 2) kind of a panicked backpedalling to the backlash she might have gotten over Rowan’s behavior in HoF? Which is…. so ironic because she made it SO much worse. In my humble opinion, she should have just doubled down on what she originally wrote as enemies-friends-lovers (and had Rowan bring up his early behavior and apologize in some way), and the problem would have been solved. And while I personally feel that I can recognize this for what it is - a shitty retcon - and enjoy the relationship despite it, I don’t think we should talk over people for whom this is a deal-breaker for the ship.

5. I don’t think about all of this and have the reaction that so many “anti tog” people seem to have of “FUCK Rowan he’s ABUSIVE and PREDATORY and I wish he was DEAD!!!” I think there are things to criticize about his behavior and about the way Sarah decided to spin their relationship, but they have had many great moments, especially in the later books, and I don’t think I or anyone else is “shipping abuse” by enjoying that. All of this is just to emphasize how, in OP’s very succinct words, “your inalienable right to enjoy two characters’ dynamic does not outweigh the right to criticise it.” Because there ARE valid things to criticize, and we as Rowaelin shippers (lol.) need to be careful not to conflate ugly hatred with valid criticism when we speak over it.

And because there IS so much ugly hatred for Aelin and her relationship with Rowan on this website, I completely understand why there’s a kind of knee-jerk reaction of jumping to defense of this ship we love. But that impulse, quite frankly, means nothing to me if defense of Rowaelin includes the erasure of Aelin’s canonical experiences. And maybe this is wacky and controversial, but I’m pretty sure we can express our enjoyment of Rowaelin AND keep Aelin as an individual from being swept under the rug.  

6. More than saying any of that what I really really want to do (and have been trying to do in the previous paragraphs, but maybe unsuccessfully) is bring the conversation back to OP’s original point which was not “abuse!” or “not abuse!” but about how the ways in which we discuss “abuse or not abuse” often includes a stomach-turning lack of concern for Aelin and some frustratingly reductive arguments. And somehow I have the sneaking suspicion that Rowaelin shippers are reading this post and missing the point, which that this is happening on BOTH sides of the argument.

Everyone is perfectly entitled to ship Rowaelin and argue their opinion about its merits or lack thereof, but when we cover our ears and say “she was mean too she was mean too she was mean too she was mean too la la la la la la la” that’s completely ignoring the genuine pain that she did experience in HoF and the power imbalance that she was subjected to, no matter whether or not we personally feel that it was sufficiently rectified in later books.

And I see this ALL THE TIME, in both the fandom and “anti-fandom”, and I’m honest to god quite sick of it. I’m sick of the willful ignorance of a teenage girl’s pain in order to further an agenda. Yes, it’s more stomach-turning when the agenda is to prove what an evil bitch she is or whatever, but it’s not excusable if your agenda is to prove Rowaelin is great, either! And I don’t understand why we have to throw all nuance out the window and ignore how Dorian hurt her, ignore how Chaol hurt her, ignore how Rowan hurt her, fucking hell, ignore how SAM hurt her, just so we can make our arguments! Because as much as the antis love to scream about “WHAT MESSAGE IS THIS TERRIBLE SHIP SENDING THE TINY GIRL-CHILDREN WHO READ THE BOOKS???” it’s also like, what kind of message is our ongoing discussion of it sending by sweeping a teenage girl’s experiences under the rug when we argue about her relationships?

And like OP said, what have we even got to show for it? No conclusion has been reached, nothing has been achieved besides valuing a romance (or the hatred of that romance and preference for a different romance) over individual characters, namely an individual character who happens to be a teenage girl that has suffered an ungoldy amount - suffered, sometimes, at the hands of male characters we like.

In conclusion, the mass allergy everyone seems to have to giving a shit about Aelin unless its to further their agenda is sickening. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve had to hear about how poor Manon’s character was “ruined” by Manorian (although not directly by DORIAN, of course, because apparently Saint Haviliard can do no wrong) I’d have enough money to buy a lamborghini and drive it off a cliff like I wish I could every time I hear someone’s terrible hot take about how Aelin is complicit in her own alleged abuse. Yet somehow I’ve never heard anyone complain about the damage done to Aelin’s character by any of the male characters, including Rowan. It’s never “Rowan ruined Aelin’s character!!” it’s “Rowaelin sucks and so does Aelin.” In fact, one of the REASONS Aelin sucks in the first place IS Rowan/Rowaelin! What a great implicit message to send to people reading your “critiques”: if you are annoying and #problematic enough, your suffering will be used against you and you will receive no sympathy for it. Cool!

And for other ships, too: it’s never “Chaol and Dorian, while at points a very good for Aelin, also caused her a lot of pain” it’s either “Chaol was right about Aelin in QoS and both he and Dorian are ruined because of her #chaorian” OR, from the fans, who, again, are not off the hook, “Chaol and Dorian and Aelin are BFFs forever #originaltrio.” And as a teenage girl myself, who loves and identifies with Aelin, who is more invested in her story than anyone else’s… I’m just tired. And more than a little appalled. And I wish we could do better.

[h-styles-babes]

No Control | Chapter Twenty-Six

Summary: 

Micky Bennett: college student, loyal friend, aspiring nurse, One Direction fan, Harry Styles enthusiast. Her best friend, Trevor, wins tickets to a show in New Jersey with meet and greet passes. Micky expects a quick photo op with the boys and a great night at the concert with her best friend. What she gets a whole lot more than she bargained for.

To read previous chapters, you can go here.

*Please feel free to reblog and send feedback. It’s much appreciated :)*

*Gif is not mine.*

A/N: honestly, I’m not the biggest fan of this chapter, until the very end, so be nice, please lol. Next chapter will pick up, however.

TWENTY-SIX

When we land in Manchester, and I can’t help the anxiousness I feel wash over me. I told my parents I was coming, since Harry and I were going to be staying in the house for the night before driving down to Holmes Chapel the next day. It’s already late evening when we arrive, and Harry and I are in a weird state of exhaustion from traveling but also alertness from having gotten a bit of sleep on the plane on the way over. We’re mostly silent on the short drive from the airport to my parents’ home. Harry had someone drop his Range Rover off at the airport before we landed so we’d be able to drive ourselves around this weekend as opposed to calling cabs or renting a vehicle.

My mum is stood in the doorway of my childhood home when we get there, the light from inside the house illuminating her from behind. I can see she’s in a pretty thick jumper to keep out the chill that’s settled over the night. The display in Harry’s car read that it’s only about five degrees now from the lack of sunlight, and I can feel it as I step out of his toasty cab. 

Mum is by my side in an instant in her house slippers, wrapping her arms around me and enveloping me in her sunshine scent. I hug her back tightly, only letting her go when I see Harry come from the back, having gotten our bags. 

“Oh, Micky, baby. How was your flight?” she asks. Her hands immediately drift down to the bump that’s well concealed and very cozy under my jumper. She smiles as she runs her hands over her grandchild. I haven’t seen my mother since the holidays, and it’s definitely gotten much bigger in that time. 

“Good. Long, but uneventful. Got to fly first class,” I grin, wiggling my eyebrows. 

My mother’s smile dims a bit when she looks at Harry, but I can tell she’s still trying to be polite. My family was obviously quite furious with the situation I found myself in last year, putting a lot of the blame on Harry. I had warned them to be nice when we came, since he was the reason that I was able to come out at all. They agreed, especially when I told them there was stuff that they didn’t know that I would explain to them later. Knowing all I knew now would help in clearing the air, as well. I hope they can be civil long enough for me to get them alone to give them all the details. It would be nice to raise my daughter without her grandparents hating her father. 

“Harry, sweetie,” she greets, a hint of warmth for the man she once welcomed so fully into her home still present. I’m glad she hasn’t gone completely cold on him. “How are you, dear?”

“I’m doing alright,” he nods, accepting her kiss on the cheek.

Mum smiles a bit sympathetically, noticing the same somber tones I hear in his voice. She places a comforting squeeze to his shoulder. “Bit of a shock, yeah?”

Harry breathes out a humorless chuckle. “Yeah, a bit.”

“We’ll all work it out, dear. Babies are to be celebrated. Once everyone’s settled, I’m sure it’ll all feel better.” 

The words linger in the air between us all as Harry nods. I don’t know if it’s from the cold or what, but I swear I see tears glimmering in Harry’s eyes. He sniffles a bit and turns his head into his shoulder, both his hands full with our bags. 

“Let’s get inside, dears,” my mum announces, wrapping her hand around Harry’s waist and taking one of the bags. “Gonna catch a cold out here. You lot want some tea? Just made a cuppa for Vinny and me. Pot’s still hot.”

I smile at my mum’s back as I trail behind her and Harry, who walk linked together into the house. She’s so lovely for accepting Harry back so easily even though I know there’s still probably a lot of anger she harbors toward him. And it’s amazing knowing she trusts me enough to accept my word that the situation with Harry isn’t as it seems. 

Can only hope it goes as smoothly with my dad.

Mum drags me into the kitchen after leaving Harry and my father in the sitting room, awkwardly looking at each other. Harry’s eyes are still a bit watery—I’m still not quite sure from what—and he was kind of obsessively clearing his throat when my mother pulled me away. I’m a little scared to leave them alone together, because my dad may be nice, but he’s a bit more hardened than Mum. I can only imagine the glares he’s shooting Harry’s way.

“Should we really be leaving them alone?” I ask as soon as the door has swung shut behind us.

Mum goes about getting out more mugs and a couple more teabags. I can still see the steam rising out of the lip of the tea kettle, so I know the water is still going to be hot enough to steep the leaves properly. Mum’s never been one to make a shit cup of tea, and I was hoping she wasn’t going to start now. 

She chuckles and glances at me over her shoulder as she pours water. “You’re dad’s not gonna do anything rash, darling. Maybe just scare him a bit.”

“You think he’s not scared enough as it is?” I ask. “He got told a week ago that he’s gonna be a dad. I’d be shitting my pants if I were him. He doesn’t need Dad compounding that.”

“Well, if you would tell us what all’s been going on lately, maybe we’d be able to be nice again,” she suggests. “I’ll tell you tomorrow before we leave,” I promise. “Just know that things are a lot less on either of us than I first thought.”

“What do you mean by that?” she asks, obviously confused by my cryptic wording. 

I sigh. “Harry’s old management are a conspiracy theory come to life, basically.”

“They kept you from talking to each other, didn’t they?” For my mother being a grown woman with a life of her own, she sure knew way more about that general discourse within the One Direction fandom than the average person. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised to find out that she’s had a secret Tumblr fan account this entire time. That’s how big of a fangirl she is.

“Pretty much, yeah.”

“Pricks. If I ever see Simon Cowell, I’m gonna beat his arse.”

“Don’t get thrown in jail, Mum. You’re too pretty for those awful jumpsuits.” She smiles at me as she hands me my mug. “Thank you, darling. Now let’s go rescue the lad, shall we?”

The scene we walk into is not as bad as I was imagining it would be. Harry’s sitting stiffly on the couch adjacent to the chair that my father’s sitting in, and my dad’s giving him a sort of steely look that I know looks intimidating to the unknowing person. I know my father, though, and he’s all bark and no bite when it comes to his intimidation tactics. I think I’ve heard my father properly raise his voice at me only a handful of times in my entire life, and it had been more out of fear than anger. And I know in this situation, my father’s more fearful as well. He’s afraid of me getting hurt further and he’s afraid of Harry letting us down. I want to ease his fears, and I’m hoping Harry and I can both take the time to do so. 

Mum hands Harry his mug of tea and he thanks her softly. He’s smaller in demeanor than I’ve ever seen him, his shoulders curled inward so he’s taking up as little space as possible, and his socked feet tucked close to the couch instead of how he’d usually allow his long legs to spread out or have his ankle crossed over the opposite knee. He keeps his elbows close to his sides as he cradles the mug in his hands, his rings clinking against the ceramic. The expression on his face is somber and a little shaken, if I’m reading him correctly. I wonder what he’s thinking, but I don’t think it’s appropriate to ask with my parents’ nearby. I make a mental note to ask him later.

“So how've you been, Harry?” my mum asks as she settles into the chair opposite my dad. I take a seat next to Harry on the sofa, though I place myself at the other end of it, not wanting to encroach upon his space if he needs it, which he looks like he does. I’ve never seen him look so withdrawn, and I kind of want to cuddle him and reassure him that it’s going to be okay. I don’t really have that position in his life anymore, though, so I’ll maintain my distance until he asks me otherwise. 

Harry takes a sip of his tea before answering. “Just enjoying my time off for now. Catching up with friends and spending time with my family, mostly. Figuring out what my next steps are career-wise.”

“You’ve got bigger things to figure out now, don’t you?” Dad asks, his voice a bit hostile and very obviously condescending.

“Dad,” I warn, throwing him a glare over the edge of my cup.

He gives me a, “What did I do?” face, which I roll my eyes at. Play innocent all he wants, I know he’s aware of exactly what he’s done.

“Uh…” Harry trails, looking between me and my parents, his brows furrowed. He’s taken to wiping one hand nervously against the thigh of his jeans, and I can see his knee starting to twitch, only a short moment away from a nervous bounce. “Yeah, I do. Micky and I have been working on it.”

“Dad, I told you to trust me. Leave Harry alone. We’re adults; we’re figuring it out.”

“You’re my daughter, Mick. It’s my job to look out for you, love,” he argues, his features softening.

“And I appreciate it,” I nod, giving him a smile. “But I’m dealing with my own problems. Harry and I aren’t clueless teenagers who have to rely on our parents for everything.”

“Doesn’t mean I’m not still worried about you two.”

“I get that. But have a little faith, yeah? I’ve got this.”

“Mick—”

“Leave them alone, Vinny,” my mum demands, giving him a look that he bows down to every time. It’s usually funny to witness, but no one’s laughing in this situation. “Got to trust them when they say they’re figuring it out. Our job is to support them and offer help when they need it, not question their decisions.” Dad heaves a sigh. There’s a few beats of silence where my parents just look at each other, seemingly having a silent conversation between each other while Harry and I pretend not to watch on.

I can feel the nerves coming off of Harry in waves still, and I’m not really surprised when he reaches over and gently pulls me closer to him by the hand. Knowing he doesn’t want to get too touchy when we’re around my parents, who would definitely get the wrong ideas, I’m not offended when he slides his hand into mine, my hand curled around just his fingers. He takes to running his thumb along all my knuckles, slowing when he comes into contact with the tiara ring on my middle finger. I give a gentle squeeze to his fingers as I glance up at him. 

“You okay?” I mouth.

Harry takes a deep breath through his nose before nodding once. “Will be,” he mouths back. The smile he offers is sad and doesn’t even begin to reach his eyes, also something I’ve never seen from him before. Prior to this, I hadn’t realized exactly how heavy this whole thing had been weighing on his shoulders. I have a feeling that when I first told him that his body immediately started running on adrenaline, so he had no chance to actually think of all the implications this situation has. Now that there’s been some time for the shock to wear off actual deep thought has come into play, he seems to be freaking out. I completely understand the reaction, but he needs to get through it sooner rather than later. There’s really not all that much time before our baby will be here.

I’m hoping the visit with his mum tomorrow will help to ease his fears, at least a little bit.

Harry heads to bed first that night, having not gotten as much sleep as me on the plane. I’m sure the emotional turmoil he’s been through recently doesn’t help his exhaustion either, so I set him up in Tommy’s old room—thanking whatever entity is looking over me that Tommy had to work tonight and didn’t drop by for a visit. 

“Your parents hate me,” Harry sighs as he unbuttons his shirt. 

I’ve been making sure there’s no questionable items around the room that Tommy may have left behind, so I stop and look at Harry. “They don’t hate you, Harry. They just don’t know everything. They’re still working on their perceived notions of what happened.”

“Are you gonna tell them?” he asks. He pulls on a plain t-shirt before bending to take off his socks. 

“Yeah. It’ll ease the hostility coming from my dad.”

“You’re mum seems surprisingly at ease,” he comments, his fingers going to the buttons of his jeans.

I purse my lips as I see him begin to undo his fly and very pointedly look only at his face. I don’t think I can take looking at Harry in his pants right now. I haven’t had sex since I last saw him, and pregnancy has made me more horny than usual. Harry shirtless seems to be a pretty regular occurrence, so I’ve become a bit desensitized, but Harry in only boxers, where the outline of his cock is more prominent than it is in his jeans, is something I can’t deal with in my current state. 

“My mum’s smart and realized something fishy was going on outside of the two of us. I don’t think my dad realizes a lot of your life was out of your control.” Harry nods and I realize he’s not going to pull on any joggers or shorts or anything, so I move to leave the room before I get embarrassingly flustered. “I’ll talk with them, though. Goodnight, Harry.”

I see the puzzled look on Harry’s face briefly as I make my way out the door. Just before I close it, I hear him call back a soft goodnight. I heave a sigh as I stand in the hallway outside of the room for a moment, gathering myself. I can hear my parents talking in quiet tones in the kitchen, so I head down there, hoping to catch them for a chat before they head to bed. It’s the weekend, but my parents like to keep up their routines.

My mum sees me standing in the doorway first, which draws my dad’s attention. He begins apologizing for scaring Harry and being a bit hostile, but I tell him it’s fine. I jump right into explaining what Harry and I discussed on the plane, making it clear to my dad that Harry didn’t just drop me for the sake of dropping me. While he’s not pleased Harry didn’t try to at least come by the house to get ahold of me, he understands that his management are really the ones to blame. I admit that I thought that Harry could have got to my parents to get to me, but then I realized I could have done the same to get to him, but that would have been entirely out of bounds and, not to mention, really weird for either of us. 

Dad promises to ease up on Harry and not make his experience of this pregnancy a more traumatizing experience than it already has been. It’s not really going to get any easier, and he’s had less time to get use to the idea than the rest of us. 

I tell them that we’re leaving for Holmes Chapel in the morning to have breakfast with Harry’s family, Gemma having come in from London to visit her brother for the weekend. I’m obviously really nervous about being there, since I haven’t seen any of them since August and Gemma already didn’t like me. Having to go see Harry’s family is giving me a taste of what Harry went through today, and the heavy feeling in my stomach is not something I’m okay with in the least.

Harry

I’m awake at five the next morning from the jet lag and how early I went to bed the night before. The room is grey, and it’s a little strange to be waking up in someone else’s bed without Micky in it with me. The last time I was here, I shared a room with her, and I got used to the feeling of having her in my arms as we slept, her warm little body pressed against mine, her soft little breaths puffing out against my collar bones from where she had her face buried against my chest. I smile at the memory, rubbing my fingers over the area like I can feel the presence of her against me again. 

The memory is a fond one and something I wouldn’t mind experiencing again, but a bitterness settles over me when I realize I’ll probably never get to feel that again. Micky was never officially my girlfriend, but she’s the closest thing to it that I’ve had in years, and I would have been happy making it official once I was done touring. Losing contact with her had hurt and left a bit of sting in my chest any time I thought of her or her name was mentioned. Now that she’s pregnant, though, and we left things the way we did—despite that not being our faults—I don’t think we’ll ever be in a place where we can be like we were last year. 

While Micky still seems relatively comfortable around me, I can’t imagine her ever wanting anything more between us than co-parenting. If I were her, I’d never want anything more to do with me than that. I can’t help that I’m still head over heels for her, though. Mick and I burned bright and hot so quickly, and I’ve never been able to move past that, pathetically enough. I know I’ll be able to raise a kid with her without ever pushing my feelings onto her, but it’s going to be a long lifetime. 

I lay in the bed for a long time, watching the sun slowly come up before being quickly covered by clouds. Around half six I get up and go to take a shower before anyone else gets up so I’m not in anyone’s way. Mick and I have planned to leave at around eight in order to get to my mum’s house in time for breakfast. Mum promised me banana pancakes, which I’d usually be all over, but my stomach is twisting so hard with nerves that no food sounds appealing. I’ve never been so anxious in my life to tell my mother something. I’ve never had something so big to tell her, and I have the type of relationship with my mum where I told her about the first time I had sex nearly immediately after it happened. She’d been as cool about it as any mother with a fifteen year old son having sex with his girlfriend could be, but having sex with a girl you dated for months and getting a girl you dated for a week pregnant are two very different things. Even though we’re much older and independent adults, telling my mum she’s going to be a gran in a few months makes me nauseous. 

When I walk out of the bathroom, I nearly run straight into Micky, who’s standing outside her bedroom door, rubbing tiredly at her eyes with her fingers. She peeks one eye open at me and squeaks when she realizes I’m standing in front of her. I’ve only got a towel around my waist, since Tommy’s room and the bathroom are just across the hallway from each other. I give her a soft smile when her eyes dart up to mine, her cheeks suddenly red. 

“Morning,” I greet, moving to go back to the room to change.  

“Morning,” she reciprocates in a choked voice. I figure she’s still tired and sleep-ridden, so I don’t question it. She clears her throat and blinks before opening both eyes. “Gonna shower and get dressed, then we can go.”

I nod. “Sounds good. See ya in a bit.”

I wrap the towel in my hair once I click the lock behind me and go about getting ready for the day. It’s supposed to be just as cold today as it was yesterday, so pull a jumper over a t-shirt and step into a pair of blue jeans. I brush my hair, grimacing a bit at the knots I encounter. I know I need to get it cut—it’s been a good while since I’ve had a proper one—but I’m planning on donating it when it gets long enough, so I’ve got to wait it out. 

I make sure all my things are packed away in my bag before heading downstairs. From what I heard, Micky only took a short shower, so I’m not surprised when I see her standing in the kitchen beside her mother. Cindy’s got a soft smile on her face and one hand pressed to Micky’s stomach, Micky’s hand on top of her’s. By Micky’s giggle, I can tell that the baby is moving around. I want to go over and join; there’s something so amazing about feeling a baby moving within their safe little home, and when it’s your own baby, there’s something even more surreal and heartwarming about it. I don’t want to intrude on the moment, though, so I hang back, letting my bag fall softly to the floor by the island.

Micky looks up at me and smiles. “Come here. She’s going crazy in there.” She reaches her hand out and beckons me over, and when I get close enough, she takes my hand in her’s and presses it to a spot right by her mum’s.

As soon as I apply a little pressure, I can feel the rolling movements along with the sharp nudges against Micky’s skin. I can’t help the smile tugging my lips up, and I look at Micky as I feel her eyes on me. She’s smiling brightly at me, a sort of reassurance in her gaze that is trying to tell me that everything’s going to be okay.

TWENTY-SEVEN