#then theres this creeping dread feeling that has been rising for years that all of the stupid hyperfixations that reliably bring me dopamine
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Life really has a way of accumulating all the worst possible events together in a very inconvenient span of time. Just a whole overwhelming procession of fat fucking Ls
#i don't expect anybody to read any of this#but maybe it helps to write it down#cheaper than therapy at least#clearly its a shitty time to be living in the US of A#though as a white boy I'm less affected by all the bullshit#still a soulrending bummer to go through that election#and then shortly after the dissolution of the only longterm relationship I've ever had#which is for the best all considered#cliched as it probably is to say it was hella toxic and incredibly hard to leave#but like when youre all in on someone and then it's over that's a hard thing to recover from#I'm still struggling to get over it months later#then my mom went to the hospital#sounds like she has cancer#tried my best to be there for her#be as much use as i could#and then my car starts fucking up on me#i don't know that i exactly can afford to fix it#but i kind of have to#and now i haven't seen my cat in like a day#and I've searched the whole house for her#i left food out but it's remained untouched#i checked outside#there's no paw prints in the snow anywhere around the house that i can see#I've checked under and behind anything i can#no sign of her#so i guess im just resigned to hoping she shows up of her own accord#then theres this creeping dread feeling that has been rising for years that all of the stupid hyperfixations that reliably bring me dopamine#are all just withering away somehow simultaneously. everything i love is on the decline and it all feels incredibly precarious#and i get that everything has to end eventually but why do i feel like all of my interests are all falling out of favor at once#everything is in falloff. the consensus is this is the low point for everything i care about even if i don't agree
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