#then there is literal child porn… my guy… i didnt know it was weird to find that shit morally reprehensible..?

[rayvern-sheep]

Whenever i see “pro-ship” or “anti” i have this funny thing where i instinctively unfollow… its weird…

I could have followed you for years but as soon as you share some post abt how “kids these days don’t like all my dark sexual fantasies, they must be fascists” I’m gone. I’ve disappeared to another fucking dimension to escape the black hole in your skull where your brain was supposed to be.

[loving-family-poll]

(Confession) I think I’ve got some fucked up cheryl blossom shit going on. growing up I was isolated as an only child literally living in the middle of the woods with only immediate family and I had imaginary friends to keep me company. But they weren’t friends to me. They were my siblings. I actually fucking called them Sister and Brother. Like that was their names.

I was so lonely growing up I used to write fanfiction about me having a twin brother. I wanted someone my age to play with and be close to and I was always drawn to sibling type characters as well as emotionally incestous stories but I didn’t know what that was back then because I was so young. I knew objectively incest was wrong but I was so desperate for someone to be mine, to be close with me and stuck with me so they couldn’t leave me like my friends had as the years went by.

I have two cousins, both a few days apart from me in age. One a guy, one a girl. For some reason I always wanted a brother specifically, I couldn’t tell you why. This guy cousin, I’ll call him Scott, felt like the answer that I had prayed for. I used to daydream about him being my brother. Similar to an anon a while back, we physically fought a lot. I bested him everytime because I’m a buff girlboss or something. I was obsessed with him and there definitely was some emotionally incestous stuff going on from my end—and from what I’ve observed over the years, especially pretty recently now that we are in college, it seems he’s physically attracted to me.

Whats strange about this is im not physically attracted to him. I’m not physically attracted to men at all, really. I’ve always liked women. They were what my first sexual fantasies were about, the first porn I watched, I could go on. Somehow I didnt realize that I liked women until highschool even though I did all of that. It was all because of a movie I watched and I fell in love with the movie character who was a woman and I realized oh. I’ve never felt that way about any of my boyfriends before, or even Scott. Like not even comparably close. That weird nervousness I had around him paled completely compared to the feeling I have for women.

I didnt feel this call for a sister as desperately as I did a brother, but I think that might have been because I always found it easy to become close with other women. An example of how this affected my realization of my sexuality was that I definitely had love for my best friend who I only knew for a year. I’m not sure if I was really in love, but when she moved away it was absolutely fucking horrible. I wrote her letters and left kiss marks on them as my signature and I cried every day for months imagining kissing her before she left “as sisters”. Like that was an actual verbatim thought I had. As sisters. I thought about telling her I loved her and eventually this led to my having fantasies about her etc etc etc. I never thought anything about it until years later.

The other cousin I mentioned, I’ll call her Laura, definitely had some emotional + physical incestuous feelings for me as we grew up. She used to beg me to shower with her, bathe with her, skinny dip with her, do anything and everything with her. She once begged me to let her shave my pubes. I have never had good boundaries and I didn’t really see a reason to say no even though it make me a bit nervous. She was the one with sisters, this was just some sister ritual that I didn’t understand because I had no siblings. So I let her do whatever she wanted and I catered to whatever she asked of me. Over time she started to pull away from me and I didn’t understand, hadnt I done everything she had wanted of me?

About eight years passed where I barely saw her but I learned to live with it because essentially the same ghosting happened with my friends in school. I didn’t understand why they left me but I couldn’t change it so I went with the flow. But randomly she started talking to me again. It was weird because it felt like we were getting along way better than we had before which I hadn’t even noticed was strained. And she was flirting with me. Telling me that my makeup looked so pretty on me, that my hair smelled good, and that she loved my dimples. I smiled at her once and she said, “ohmigosh, you have dimples. I love dimples on girls.”

Very quickly we made it clear without being explicit that we both were into girls one night. Nothing happened, but I think being open like that made her decide to stick by my side for the rest of the visit, unlike her usual routine, and she made me sleep in bed with her and go everywhere with her, like when we were kids.

Then she got a boyfriend.

Last visit I was dejected but happy for her because she seemed so much more happy than she had at any other time in her life. But then, I think, she made a move on me. We were at the local pool at nighttime, all alone. She mentioned wanting some ice cream before the shop closed next to the pool and because my love language seems to be acts of service and turning into mush when pretty girls bat their eyelashes, I very unsubtly ran off to get her ice cream. I think she knew by then that she had me in her clutches because her entire mood changed.

She came up close to me as she ate and very slowly crowded me against the wall. I was like an actual pile of mush trying and failing to eat my own icecream as she talked and I got that feeling in my chest, one I had never had with Scott, ever. She reached to me and adjusted my swim top strap and then brushed my hair out of my face and my body actually buckled. I had thought I was a top up until that point but im. I guess not. And then she fucking asked me if I thought the two of us would be able to fit into the bathtub together, again, like we used to.

I said yes and we rushed off back to the house and I was in the bathroom waiting for her and….she never came in. I went out to see where she was and she was with our grandfather and I did actually subtly ask her did you want to take a bath or anything? Because I’ll take a shower if not….and she told me she was just going to wait etc etc etc. and then I remembered. Her fucking boyfriend. Shit.

If Laura asked I would do absolutely anything for her. I think with Scott we have this Something Weirder Than Sex shit going on and I don’t know what to do on either front.

This is long as fuck but a good read that shit w Laura is wild

[tomdiddlyumptious]

Heyyy ok but what about dad!tom finding porn on his 15yo boy’s phone and having "the talk" with him 😭😭 I live for this😌

Trying writing again, seriously guys idk whats going on with me. And im terrible at doing “the talks” so take it as it is-

warnings: ya know..porn and praying children<3...and a hint of bisexual!tom👀

Its normal, Porn. The dirty sight for anyone to see. Tom did it once, only once though. He found it pretty creepy and stalkerish that hes watching people have sex. When he was 15 and thought about sex it caused insecurity because he noticed that you HAVE to get naked. It just shivered his veins. well of course until he met you. 

So when Tom and Wesley were cooking for your birthday, Tom forgot an Ingredient. “Hey- wes, can i borrow your phone?” tom struggled, his hands covered in flour as he looked at his sons phone. Wesley's eyes widened as his hands were also covered in flour, he turned, wiping his hands on the black apron before chuckling “y-yeah dad”. Tom laughed and also wiped his hands with a towel before grabbing his phone. Wes’s knees almost gave out as they shook and his body felt like it was going down a roller coaster, he jumped when his dad asked for his code. “Its my birthday” “oh- of course, it is” tom mumbled, leaning on the kitchen island as Wes got back to work, trying not to look weird as normally he would stand over his dads shoulder watching his fingers tap away in his phone, not that he did it before. 

Toms eyebrows furrowed as he bit his bottom lip, wondering if he should search through his phone while he already has it, only to shrug his head no saying thats not a good thing for a father to do. He clicked on the safari tab, Wes’s phone acting slow so he reached and grabbed his glass cup thats filled with water, only to choke and have his eyes widened. “Oh shit” wes mumbled to himself. Tom didnt even look further, he slammed the phone down but both of their ears turned red when a loud pornographic moan left the womans mouth “yeah fuck my cock”. “OH MY GOD” tom yelled in his british accent, grabbing the phone and screaming when he was met with liquids shooting at the camera, he shut off the phone and placed it back on the table, Wesley's hand slapped over his mouth as he cringed intensely by the word “cock” but then soon becoming more embarrassed that his dad knows he watches….well, that. “Im gonna use the bathroom” wesley said, not looking at his dad as his cheeks shot red. “Erm….im gonna set a 15 minute timer” “DAD” wes said storming off to the bathroom. “Im gonna die” wesley muttered to himself, cursing at the lord for letting this happen as he also begged for forgiveness and asking for this not to be a big problem, just on his knees infront of the toilet, apron still dirty as he shut his eyes tight. 

“God i swear if my dad leaves me alone i’ll pray EVERY night, i’ll sing- look i’ll sing this church song”

By the way, he only heard it from some where.

“Take me to the kinggg, i dont have much to bring” he didnt know anything past that so it didnt do anything in his favour, it only made tom furrow his eyebrows from the other side of the door before knocking making wes silently flinch at the holy ghost “just please- dont do this” he whispered. “I-i can hear you son” tom awkwardly smiled, “mind coming out now?” “ive only been in here for like 5 minutes” “can we just talk about it?” “i dont know if id be comfortable with that-” “or else it will be with me and your mom” “oh my god” wes stood up and did a “woo-sah” looking at himself in the mirror before turning around and hesitantly opening the door. Tom smiled and did an awkward wave “to the couch please”

“Dad i really dont wanna talk about this” wes said on the couch, touching knees with his father that was sitting right next to him. “No we have to- so be quiet and let me speak.” tom sent a look at wes making him grumble and hunch in his seat, but all ears. “Please dont watch porn, its terrible. Its addictive and its not how things work, trust me. When we made you it was pretty ugly in there-”

“DAD PLEASE” he groaned in his arms. “What! Im just letting you know! Im letting you know that when you- or you probably have but-” tom shrugged looking at him son. “Just make sure you use protection, uhm if you want me to buy you some i can- dont give me that look” “your literally talking to me about what goes around penises, what am i supposed to do, say i love you?” he groaned again. “Well its your fault! But anyway you need to make sure you get consent from her, make sure she- or HE is into it-” “oh my god” “what? I dont know your options?” “what are yours?” wes asked.

Tom smiled at his son, making wes’s mouth drop (i dont think its a secret that toms at least a LITTLE fruity) “anyways. Girls have three holes, ones for the pee and the others for the- pp. And the other one is for the other one. I dont think your ready for anal yet” tom gripped his sons knee. “Youve done-” “you ARENT ready for that talk” tom but him off. “But you need to make sure that the woman is lubricated enough because if she isnt it will be TOO tight and un-pleasurable for the both of you. If shes” he raised his fingers doing the quote on quote “loose, that means shes lubricated, dont listen to these assholes shaming girls for something they cannot control” he rolled his eyes, wes thinking about anything to drift off into space but very stuck. “Dont be nervous asking for help trying to find the hole, although it should be located right on top of her- ya know” tom too immature to say the word, something he cant say although he said only a few words ago. “But yes, make sure you wrap it! Im serious, i dont need more children” tom ordered. “Im the single child” “your also annoying” wes sarcastically smiled at his dad by his words. “Her clitoris is that- bean, yeah lets call it a bean” “you call a clitoris a bean?” “oh no, i give it a name more...boujee, but thats between me and your mom” “PLEASE STOP REMINDING ME THAT YOU AND MOM HAVE SEX” wes shouted while stuffing his head into a pillow. “What its normal! You were watching it!” wes grunted “my life is over” “oh it hasnt even began” “DAD” “im just sayin!-”

The boys heard the keys jiggle from the door before hearing a loud “hii!” “we are in the living room babe!” tom said, wes panicking more as he heard th door shut and lock before seeing his mom coming over. “What are you guys talking about?” tom looked at wes and wes silently pleaded for him not to say anything, but being the div he is “sex talk!” he threw his hands up. “Ohh! How fun, have you told him about the movements yet?” “PLEASE NO-”

[ingayderzim]

not to be that person who asks a googleable question but wtf is hazbin hotel bc i googled it and the only “critical” thing i could find was a typo-ridden article of someone saying it has good animation and its haters are stupid. i was able to glean what it is/what it’s about but idk about the discourse lmao

Im actually so glad u asked this. Here's the lowdown, this is my definitive answer to hazbin shit from here on out, unless new info comes about of course.

Hazbin hotel is an independent cartoon by vivziepop. Most people (that ive seen) have agreed that the pilot of the show really isnt that great but the reason it has so many fans is bc of the entertaining livestreams, massive amounts of canon content produced (she has had these characters for years), unique art style, and the characters. (Ass ugly but unique.)

Its haters are totally justified bc of some of the "controversial" (read: bad) things vivziepop has done. Here's the conclusion that my friends and classmates (several of whom are Black, one Hispanic woman, and one trans woman...nellie if ur reading this i 💜 u) and i came to after discussing this stuff. I am NOT saying "well my black/trans friend said it's ok so i dont have to think about it!" this is based on a few different conversations that my friends and i have had about this topic so what im saying is that my opinion was formed by talking about this situation with multiple people affected by the controversy.

One controversial thing is a drawing u can easily find on google (called beastiality.jpg i believe?) It's a cropped (chest and up, but hes obv naked) drawing of vivziepops character, drawn by vivziepop, moaning, with a snake around him. The character is 17. Many people have interpreted this as child porn. I dont think this image is pornographic, i think it's a stupid joke (it was even tagged as a joke iirc) and completely inappropriate but since it's 8 years old on top of not being porn, i think it's just an example of a dumb drawing. That being said, i would NEVER argue that someone who is uncomfortable w the drawing (im uncomfortable with it! It's gross just not porn) or considers it porn is wrong. They are entitled to that opinion and i would never expose them to vivziepops work or talk about her stuff around them if they expressed to me that they disliked the image.

Another thing is that she drew a doodle of two racist TERFs. This is the one where my friends of color, my friends who are black, and my friends who are trans women took the lead. I sat back for this part and here's their and my opinion on this after talking about it and verbally going through this whole situation.

She was following these women (who had done blackface and stuff) and drew art of them. The art was a "quick doodle" that she did apologize for and she said she didn't realize the extent of their beliefs. She knew they werent great but hadnt consumed much of their content in depth. I believe her bc while ive never followed anyone as bad, ive certainly followed some pieces of shit and didnt notice for months simply bc im not online all the time and bc of the volume of people i follow, combined with the non chronological algorithms lately.

At the risk of screwing myself, im going to admit that there was about a year or so of my life where i enjoyed The Amazing Atheist. I was even subbed to him. I was a nonbinary lesbian (2 things he cant stand lmaoo) in catholic school and therefore i strictly watched his videos about theological stuff since thats what was frustrating me at the time. I had no clue the type of evil racist, transphobic, homophobic (yes ik hes bi), misogynistic things he thought, said, and did, bc i didnt watch those videos. I literally only watched select theological ones that could be of use to me while edgily debating my teachers (sorry mrs macdougal but u had it coming). I was about 15 at the time and im 19 now. Im sorry to everyone i hurt by ever having supported him. I had one of his quotes written in the inside of my religion notebook in high school. I regretted it and ripped the page out the moment i discovered the truth about him. I cant stress enough how much I HATE HIM. Thats an example of what i think happened here tho.

One of my friends who is a trans woman said (paraphrasing) "i think the worst thing shes done is that terf art but i believe the apology especially bc it was a quick drawing."

That being said, i would NEVER argue with someone who wanted nothing to do w vivziepop bc of this. That's their right. 100%. I would never expose them to her work after that.

The last thing i remember is something about a pedophilic couple in a comic but i heard it was a 17 year old and a 19 year old. Im 19 and if one of my peers did that i wouldnt say pedophile but id say ur a fucking weirdo, BUT, the kids were fake and being written by an adult so i can totally see her thinking that age gap is much less of a big deal than it really is. Like she forgot what it's like at this age. Idk how true any of that part is tho, i heard that info entirely secondhand.

Another thing to do with racism is that there's a joke within the show where one character says to the other

"don't get your taco in a twist"

"Was that supposed to be racist or sexist?"

"Whichever one pisses you off more"

I thought that was gross but one of my friends pointed out that vivziepop is of el salvadorian descent so that's her business. Like if i made a lesbian joke of equal or greater offensiveness than that and someone tried to call me lesbophobic over it id be like "that's literally my territory."

Oh speaking of which that character's name is vaggie and shes a lesbian but it's not pronounced w the same G you'd hear in "vagina." Vivziepop seems to name characters weirdly (like how in helluva boss theres a guy named blitzo and the o is silent) so maybe it's a pussy joke but i have no idea.

The animation was.................better than i could do, i wanna say the faces and gestures were good but god i remember there was a part with a car and my gf had to pause so i could laugh my ass off at it. I wouldn't describe the animation as a highlight but i liked the style in motion i thought it was a fun change. Vivziepops style is not appealing imo but i appreciate it as an art student and as someone whose friends all like she ra and steven universe where every character looks the goddamn motherfucking same, and while its chaotic and i dont care for it, the style actually works way better in motion than you'd think.

A good rule that i def use is to assume hazbin fans are guilty until proven innocent. If someone says they dont care about the discourse surrounding it and like it no matter what, RUN! They would support the show even if the creator was in fact a pedophile, or had done the blackface/was a terf herself! They probably support some horrible ppl and are probably "anti antis." A lot of them are minors tho so i'd say block and move on.

So, do i like it or not? Im an art student and all my friends like it so while i didnt think it was funny, i do fuck with it. At the convention this weekend my friends and i had a convo that led to me drawing an ahego hoodie where the faces were angel dust (a character's) face. It was a joke that i could make a killing by selling that in a booth at a con.

Theres really nothing compelling about the show but my friends like it so i join in on their conversations, and i do have a soft spot for angel dust bc he's like a worse, less amazing and gorgeous version of one of my characters, Candy, the love of my life.

A lot of people say the show was edgy/offensive and maybe im just desensitized but besides the taco thing i didnt pick up on that whatsoever??? The Archer episode "Swiss Miss" is worse than helluva boss and hazbin combined and even archer isn't offensive.

Im probably not aware of all the "discourse" (aka people being reasonably uncomfortable by weird and bad shit this random woman has done, and other ppl saying their opinions are wrong when it's literally just an opinion about a show) so if anything she's done isnt included in here it's not to defend vivziepop, this is genuinely all i know. I wouldnt describe myself as a fan of hers.

[yuissamidare]

@codes i think i may have put this on my artblog but... Here

i guess ill start w ichi bc i always forget about him somehow like i always come up short when im making lists and im like 'oh wait shit yeah that guy’ bc im stupid n i only think of fishing trio + choro. I’m an Idiot. idk i never thought too hard on ichi bc i so rarely think about him but he looks so high its really funny i said this on main but he looks like my friend when he decided to try a weed gummy bear then started babbling about hentai then watched to watch porn with me but got mad all the intro scenes are a billion years long and started ranting about the industry but now that i think about it he looks like someone who used to send me weird shit when he was high like bad pick up lines about body parts i wish i didnt have

and thats so funny that its Ichimatsu who looks like that but also proof that hes high. but anyway!! hes really cute and im mad hes boutta ruin my reputation for my complete and utter lack of care and interest in him no matter what im mad. my friend gwyn said 'Sp lubing us up for the fuckening that is the reason why Ichi is sad in present day’ im really curious at the change like if hes trying a fake it till you make it type thing bc really emotionally exhausted or if hes just genuinely having a good time or hes puttin on a front since like. nails who stand get hammered down right??? just gotta do your best n Never Relax n i can relate to all that. but uhhh old hcs i guess

in kun ichi was the most serious! really smart but just as bad w school as the rest of them apparently but!! yeah so id think that!! ichis that guy who participates in class discussion constantly and is always willing to debate the readings, but turns in sloppy papers with typos and no a coherency or stucture or anything. he’s A+ in participation but has an average of 60% on most of the written assignments with points knocked bc of lateness then more bc its A Mess. you could ask about the prompts for one of his papers, he could babble about his position on it complete with paragraphs and footnotes but like the day before its due hes playing rpgs and watching horror movies.

his classmates think hes so smart n so intimidating. the family knows hes a hot mess. the teachers tell him he has a lot of potential but they don’t think hes applying himself. all are right. also he doesnt cheat or let people cheat off of him since hes always been about rules and boundaries and Rightness n he n jyushi were the only ones who Minded Themselves in kun

uhh jyushi!! let me talk about schoolwork again bc yeah i love jyushi so so so so much and thinking of him in a school environment is so weird i thought about it a lot n i thought about it him in kun n san and Woah!! i really really love delinquent jyushi, bc when i saw that i was like 'huh! that fits actually!!’ i love that like him and choro flip flopped completely from what i thought. his school must be so cold theyre too cheap to afford heating in the winter and in summer the acs Blast. he was so Shy and quiet and he cried and he liked to sing so i always thought that when he participated in chorus festivals hes always like right in front!! he hums a lot in class and also moves around alot bc he actually like school and people like primary trio are the types that make friends often. i wasnt supposed to talk about this yet whoops.

unlike ichi who relatively neat despite everything but has shit notes, jyushis notes are amazing and understandable and utterly illegible.

theyre covered in doodles, arrows and lines leading every which way, different colors but not like color coded n theyre not in order by date, but he opens to a random page every time yet somehow always seems to know where to find each lesson. he writes footnotes and caveats and corrections and criticisms of the teachers and random thoughts and just smears ink everywhere. sometimes his notes are on a completely different subject. the notebook itself is a horrifying mess, the front and back covers both covered in drawings and designs and falling apart, random papers shoved between the pages, coming apart at the seams, covered in stains of unknown origin. assignments are full of emoticons and informal language, and they always manage to make his teachers feel like hes smarter than they are (most likely). he does his projects the minute theyre assigned, and is finished a minute later so can talk to his friends. he loved school.

sophie told me once about how she thought was Like That was bc one of his main concerns is that he thought he had nothing that made him Jyushi n in kun she said he might have been the one who was the most concerned about having a distinctive personality and i talked about how that sorta carried over san and how he always blended in bc of how gentle and soft and push-overy he was. he was actually the and most gullible and weakest in kun so i was like :0 when i saw that and intentionally did stuff like only carry 14 yen in his pockets to be quirky but it always sorta fell flat and he was still invisible so i was like hmmmmm. and i can see how he couldve toughened up and thinking of this now!! i love that. oh im so happy. this is so much better than i ever couldve imagined ever.

totty…. i do not think he was very popular or good at school. i think he’s very decent at schoolwork but he never put much effort into it. just copies whats on the board but if the class runs out of allotted lesson time n he couldnt finish his work he just didnt do it like cram schools a pain in the ass. if he put effort hed be a star student but he just craps out whatever since hes was the laziest!! oh but something i noticed was that him and jyushi would play together often since sometime he felt overwhelmed by karamatsu a lot. also hes the money thief and scammer its great kun todo is so good. he gets shy and flustered easy too!!

but uhh yeah!! depending on the day im always like 'zaimoku love each other so much they are best friends and the perfect other halves!!’ then im like 'these mofos hate each other what the fuck is this trainwreck’ did you see their shitty small talk in the horse episode. what was that. like they are genuinely trying to communicate and are pretty easy with each other but they have nothing to say. its like when youre having a boring day at school and theres nothing to talk about with an acquaintance so you just look at the walls and go 'have you ever noticed how stupid these posters are’ then you both start reading posters aloud but you both know its not that funny and youre just doing it to waste time but you still enjoy their company you just dont want silence. thats their relationship. and i think they are just very similar in very different ways and like. the key things that make them both similar and different and the same fuck them up (like suiriku!! theyre both really similar even if it doesn’t seem like it at first which is why their compatibility in the relationship chart was so low in s1, but i saw a lot of improvement in both of their behaviours and their communication and honestly. s2 was worth it for that sophie was so happy to see her faves get along) like sometimes when you look in the mirror all the things you see are the things you dont like about yourself instead of what makes you wonderful and unique. also i didnt mean to talk about this but i guess i am.

but yeah. totty is bitter n resentful at kara during hs n karas more confused and upset at tottys behaviour in their twenties n thats bc like i said. theyre dumb. karamatsu!! i think was actually pretty popular in highschool n had a good amount of friends - i genuinely think theatre kids are well liked bc i literally know everyone in my department and im friends w a good amount of people and im not even That extroverted. my actual extrovert friends know everyone in the school by name and everyone in my department is so nice even though theres a lot of bitchiness and drama its not as bad as w other humanities studies (jesus christ humanity students outside of theatre are a hot mess.)

uh yeah n that ultimately makes totty feel a bit… betrayed? karamatsu is his partner! theyre supposed to be there for eachother! kara’s the first one to branch out, get friends etc etc and todomatsus left behind bc hes always the one playimg follow the leader and he breaks out of that once they graduate - he grows up resenting karamatsu slightly though he still cares. but this time Hes the one cancelling plans to hang out with friends instead. my friend katie put it best when, in response to me telling them this, they sent me:

'kara: totty you have so many friends now. We barely see you anymore.

totty, applying chapstick: well, I learned it from the best.’

when i told them about it. but at the time gwyn and i were babbling about possibilities and different storylines and how theres a possiblity the movie might break down into three manageable plotlines n she gave zaimoku 'popularity’ and this was me throwing out ideas but honestly. Good. (aha, the end of this scenario ended up with todo throwing hands and shoulder checking someone outside a window and then getting removed from the premise n hanging with atsushi all night after) why am i on this. shit what happened here.

uhh but yeah totty is Def someone with learned behaviours rather than being a natural extrovert honestly just look at him hes an introverted mess masquerading as a decent human being and i know full well how people like that are bc some of them have been my best friends for years n seein the new hs promos solidifies that fact bc look at him. Crybaby. He is Miniscule. A Child.

then its 'delinquent who looks like an honour student’ choro. i never studied him until sophie started liking choro n since i love sophie i wanted to take an interest in him too. n i started to think very hard about him! then gwyn planted this in me n its taken root and im just never not gonna think its great. yall see his shitty gokudo impression what a bossy lil shit. he pulled a whip on kara once and it was mad funny but also Gwyns Big Evidence for him just being the absolute worst not like a casually skips class type but a Choro was a legit a bully and really mean n sabatoged other classmates to make him look like he was 100% That Bitch. maybe not him being Mean and cruel but just an asshole who bums around, is something i really like that one a lot its been one of my faves since gwyn n i started talking about it but i just!! have a ton of other things too!!

hes a lot like karamatsu in that theyre both stupid and weird and embarrassing and they put on airs but they also!! dont try!! they talk so big and such high goals n expectations and they dont do shit bc they have so much hubris but i always talk about them bc suiriku is sophies Beloved so ill like. Not. but he acts like he’s better than all of them n forces the role of the straight man on himself because he wants to be seen as the responible, level headed one even if hes just. So Much.

i think the movies calling back to how touchy feely and clingy he was in kun and adding on to how jyushis a delinquent and kara… Is Like That he’ll be around them the most bc jyushi might either be really protective or push him away and then they do something to mend their relationship later on or hell cling to kara and they just. grow apart. sticking to my hc until the end bitches. oh.

for choro… personally!! i thought hed be a slacker instead of a delinquent but not in the way totty slacked - totty was lazy n knew the work but didnt want to put in effort but choro just. Doesnt. choro has so much energy all the time and choro Can Not deal with school situations. bc like… you always hear people say that studying is meant to be done at the desk, silently, no distractions what so ever!! focus on notes and nothing else!! ise a highlighter but dont use it too much!! make your notes legible but you only have five minutes before the board gets erased!! review!!! look at your notes or youll die! take breaks bit dont take too long and honestly. listen. kun choro wouldnt be able to stand that shit and id think hed just think he was doing it The Wrong Way n he just wasnt meant to do it.

he doesnt like quiet classrooms!! he cant study like that and hell get distracted. he cant sit still n thats why totoko broke up w him in the beer ad and why hes just Everywhere in kun!! hes understimulated and its just Ugh! you know??? he’ll fidget w his pens until he breaks them or hum or tap his foot and annoy everyone or leave for the bathroom at least three times a class just to get up and move.

eventually he just. gives up even though hes super smart he like, stops caring bc if you dont care to understand material then you wont have to read and read and reread and rereread something to get it! classes just make everything uncomphrehensible and makes any idea he may have sublimate into nothing. but he can work on the trains and the buses! he needs something kenetic to get him moving and trains n shit always have enough going on to work with, just like with home!! chorochoro motherfuckers. he works much better moving forward, ironic as that is. he feels sorta set apart from every thing like hes behind some big plane of glass doing everything wrong and being all set apart from everything. eventually he takes to acting like a real fussy mom to avoid his own problems and help everyone else out even though hes annoying and even when he graduates but it gets Worse bc then figures out how much!!! he fucked up!! then he kicks himself into high gear n still cant do shit. ahh.

its illegal for me to talk about choukei bc i talk about them so much and im always being annoying n typing stupid essays about them bc theyre… my faves.. But this is so long…

it actually makes me super happy that he kara acne he still can be really fighty and he cries and he still does stupid impulsive shit for others and even though hes really sweet and caring is still an utter monster and fucking mess of a person. love him. i always like to think his shittymatsu nickname came from iyami n it just morphed from there bc in 66 you can hear iyami calling him specifically garbage. ive always been glad they kept his sewing hobby too. ahh, actually from what i see hes pretty similarities to kun so i wonder when he decided to air out that teremity. idk what to say about him that i havent in tottys section. he just Feels like someone who had a good support group and nice friends bc of how hes able to move in the world. kara feels like some whos doing their growing up in their twenties bc highschool came easy to them and now theyre just really struggling with the real world. like i shouldve expected softboy hs kara and i appreciate him very much!! i talk about choukei a lot bc they were the first characters that spoke so i immediately attached myself to them n i talk about karamatsu Specifically but im not sure i ever mentioned how much i appreciated how smart and cautious hes proved himself to be time and time again, like how hes the only one to point out totokos fish shtick aint doing her favours or how he was the first one to notice osos irritation n how you can pick out his voice warning jyushi to calm down in the bg of 24 or how in the comedian episode he was ready to take Notes from iyami and a lot of other small things!!

i would think hes actually a bit more serious n calm in hs and san is him amping up traits that drew people to him in hs and it backfiring on kara spectacularly - kara is always gauging people and their reactions and acting in a way he believes will get something positive, but at the same time is utterly oblivious when it comes to actually Getting them n i talked about the girls on the bridge but this is also prevalent with ichi who kara just. Doesnt Get and can not figure out how to maneuver their relationship. like oso, kara is and elder brother!! and elder brothers have an image theyre supposed to uphold, but while kara acts the part he doesnt do the shit a big brother does and shrugs that responsibility off on oso until oso fucks up until s2, where they share the role more evenly and his relationship with ichi improves but this is another essay entirely. what im trying to get with that is that hyperfocus on what other people think of him, but his complete disregard when it comes to their actual reaction and instead what he wants their reactions to be would also greatly impact him transtioning from a teen to an adult im sorry im getting sloppy now

osomatsu… i really adore him too much and i understand how totty felt in their episode bc i also lent my phone to a friend who needed to desperately jack it before meeting new people n i talk about him a whole lot too. hes mean and an asshole and garbage n i know a lot of people find him plain n boring but idk. i dont think thats the case hes a really complexed n nuanced character n hes literally has always been way back from kun n thats expected from a main character but… hes always been mean n dumb n sly and he can get so pathetically vunerable and thats literally!! him. hes a normal dude nothing wrong with that n it can be real refreshing. n i suppose im so fond of fishing trio+choro bc they remind me of my friends. but yeah even if hes 'plain’ i dont see why thats a bad thing. n this they always have the most interesting body language like despite kara being So Much his body language was always closed off n singled him out as everything But exuberant and bright, and osos quirks like how he stands on his toes a lot had always been so cute… its relaxed and open n screams Talk To Me!!!!

ahh but i always end up thinking oso was. oso??? theres not much to say that i havent before but i do think that he was a lot more like he was in episode 2 when ranting to chibita about having shitty brothers and then actively Chose to be a good brother even if he wasnt a good person and be a stable rock and be someone they could all come back to at the end of the day. and hes good at math im never letting this die.

[tmblogs]

March 15, 2017

(Warning for anyone who reads this, really probably only Clare, and Anna, but this one might get wierd. I mean if you guys read this I am still not sure if people look at this blog or not. Remember this is my unfiltered emotions about the day, and is a diary where I record my thoughts… so really dont read this one okay guys really i swear dont read it dont fucking read it). Woke up it was my birthday today. Me and Anna were talking last night until pretty late, but I had a fucking lab to do, actually two, but yeah those labs sucked. Went to bed at three, and finished them in the morning. My parents made me waffles this morning, which isn’t not normal I mean we make waffles all the time, but I appreciated the gesture. They also bought me more fucking cologne, the expensive shit, which I am very happy about because it wasn’t to much. I totally forgot how fast it shoots out when you first get a new bottle think I accidently put way to much on but whatever. I missed first period on purpose, because i couldnt do three tests in one day. In chem the tests went better than I thought, but two problems I just couldn’t get. I have the second part of the test tomorrow. After that I saw Anna, which is always nice, and we sat in the art room with maggie, and theo. Maggie was continuing her painting of plums, and like I was watching amy curry paint something a few days ago, and like goddamn is it relaxing watching people that know how to paint, paint. I have no idea what to do though, because Jason came up, and like the whole situation with him as just gotten way overblown, which is understandable, because there is so much emotion intertwined into the predicament. I just feel so guilty about the whole thing, because I don’t know if Anna was okay with cutting him off, and I know she did it by her own accord, but I basically accidently told her to when she found that private blog. I mean I didn’t want it to happen like that, but I really don’t know what I wanted to happen. I want them to be friends because I know she enjoyed that friendship, and her being happy is important to me. Would I have been fine if she had cut him off for like other reasons yeah, but now that I am the reason I just feel bad. Saw Colin today we had wierd interaction in the hallway. He was probably just having a bad day. Still was wierd though. I just sat with hannah at lunch and scrambled to do math homework because kristiana was on the photo trip so. But she didnt even check the homework. Ooooh and mr. Boogaard fucking cornered me and forced me to say I could take the test. Math was fine, just checked the homework. Gym was good I studied for my math test, but me and clare couldnt walk outside because of the fucking snow so that sucked. In english we are watching a beautiful movie, and like every few seconds I just want to gasp because it is either beautiful or just extremely genius. Then study hall came around, and I took my math test, and it went well I think, i was rushing though because I thought I had to take a history test that I hadn’t studied for in like a few minutes. But when I walked out of the library I was just like no not going to happen today it’s my birthday not gonna be taking a fucking history test sorry mr. Boogaard. Lowkey scared how he is gonna react to that tomorrow though like really. I sent him an email at like 3 in the morning so hopefully he gets it. I walked home with Anna. It was nice, but then we seperated ways. Me and sean were talking about sex, and shit today. (Alright stop reading now after this ppint is where it will get wierd so stop reading everybody if there is anybody reading dont read it i swear Anna Clare if you went against my wishes and got to this point okay, but do not continue) He was fucking exasperated with me. Because he was talking about how he just wanted to hook up with anybody, just like a one night stand type of deal, and he was like asking me about Anna and shit. And i was like even if Anna asked me right now to have sex I would say no, and he totally didnt understand. I dont know maybe I’m weird, but like how are you supposed to just have sex with someone you know. There has to be like a stromg intimate connection there, and I mean that takes time I feel like. But he thought I was fucking stupid so idk, it does sound awfully feminine, but I mean what’s wrong with that. So yeah I still dont kmow if he is gonna asl out ashley or not hopefully not because she will reject him, but also I kind of hope he does because I want to see what she will say or how she’ll reject him. Anna thinks I should tell him not to do it but idk. I picked up icecream from my house, and I also brought a bowl because I didnt know if Anna would be one of those people to not like eating out of the same container, and I mean i am usually one of those people so I would understand, but I mean if I am going to be kissing her like sharing icecream is like nothing so. Brought it just in case though. We are getting through gilnore girls pretty fast although I have no fucking idea about what happened in the last few episodes we watched. I mean I have already seen it twice ao it doesn’t really matter. Ah but kissing her is so good, and just feeling her body, and being close to her, and she is so beautiful, and amazing I dont know what to do with myself. We’ve been going to like a house that she has been house sitting at though, which has been great because we can be fucking alone, but apparently she is losing the house soon so what the fuck are we going to do then. I mean it’s not like we can make out like that in my house, and while her house is larger I am deathly afraid of her parents walking in on us. I mean that would be so fucking bad I think they would literally murder me. So i dont know what we are going to do because we cant just stop or I cant at least she’s addicting. So idk and it’s way to cold outsidr, but hopefully it will get warmer. Ah there are so many things I would like to do with her, snd I cant wait. Going to the beach with her especially. It will be beautiful i mean the beach is beautiful enough, but with her there like it’s going to be fucking insane. Idk and the beach is my child hood I mean we’d like go every weekend no matter what season or month. I mean my family all grew up there, and I sort of grew up there even if I didnt live there. So hopefully I’ll get to take her there too. Hooefully that’s the beach we go to. I mean it’s the best beach, but she probably has another in mind. But yeah being with her was amazing, and is amazing. But also it’s like I’ve totally stopped caring about anything, but her, and that isnt good because I have so much fucking work, and every so often i think about it and I get so anxious for like a few seconds and I need to do it, but I cant think. Alright well I got home, and had chicken soup with cheese, because it tastes better with cheese, and some fried rice. (Another wierd thing coming uo dont read please)(really dont)(please) I havent masturbated in a while, which is wierd, but literally all the porn I used to look at just doesnt turn me on, and I dont know what’s up, but it’s cool, and yeah that’s all basically that was my birthday. It was pretty great in my book. Sent mr. Boogaard an email so hopefully he gets it before I have to see him. Agh I love Anna so much it kills me. Alright going to sleep for another hour I think

[semenguine]

eden has been dead silent staring at her laptop for a little bit. the expression on her face is strained. tight. hey, i nudge her. hi. she says, moderately emotionlessly. hey!! i bite her arm playfully, try to get her to pay attention to me. ow. hi. she repeats.

i puff out my cheeks and look over at her screen to see what she’s doing. what i see makes me recoil. wh- what is that- what are you- i stammer. are you looking at child porn? i mean, eden says, still moderately emotionless. technically yeah. 

why, i- something in my chest flutters, deeply upset. don’t!! i push her. i’m starting to fully freak out. not- she avoids me. NOT a random kid i- that’s me, i’m not just- she looks repulsed. EW, sierra NO, i’m not- i wouldn’t- gods, that’s disgusting!

that’s you? i say. 

it does not make me feel a whole lot better. my stomach churns as i stare at the screen. that’s you? i repeat. she zooms in, i resist my urge to lean back. it is eden. i didn’t recognize her because of how skinny she was. unhealthy skinny. but i recognize her luminous green eyes and freckled face and dimples and pouty bottom lip. scaled down and immature looking. her face has that young look about it, that sense of not having fully grown into the features yet. my eyes skip over her barely-pubescent body, my mind can’t process it and i don’t want to see. what is this? i whisper.

it’s my old account, eden says. on this website. a futanari fetish forum. wh- what’s futanari? i ask. japanese hermaphrodite porn, eden says, deadpan. oh, i say. yeah, eden says. usually they have humongous cocks, actually. like 15 inches or some dumb shit. i obviously don’t. but the guys on here liked my pictures anyway. 

oh, i repeat. 

eden smiles wryly. you think i’m gross, she says. no, i say quietly. i- i mean i think they’re gross. the men. for. exploiting a kid w- who obviously.. who.. i trail off. i liked the attention, eden says. you were just a kid, i say. and one who was being sexually abused. it’s not- it’s not your fault. it’s like how i used to get high and just. fuck random guys.

it’s just cause my parents were kinda ignoring me, eden says flatly. mama was always gone somewhere and pa was always drunk and it was just viviane. she made sure i ate and she did her best to like entertain me or whatever but she was stressed out about stuff i think and didnt have the energy for it really so she’d leave me by myself most of the time and tell me to watch tv and i did, i’d sit like right in front of the tv and masturbate while watching kid’s shows and when i wasn’t doing that i was taking naked pictures of myself for weird old online forum men or getting drunk or having pretend sex with strangers on imvu. or attempting suicide. so. 

kid’s shows, i echo. like. oh, my heart sinks. like toopy and binoo? yeah, eden says. i- i’m sorry, i say. i .... my shoulders slump. i really ...... i’m sorry i made fun of you so much about it, i didn’t... it’s whatever, eden says. piss literally is the weirdest kink ever. yeah, but, i shake my head. i’m just- i’m just really sorry. i’m sorry. 

it was after my mom tried to kill herself, eden shrugs. so things just got weird in my brain, i think. with the way stuff lined up. i, she looks at the screen. just wanted to see if i could remember my password and i did. and. i dunno. her voice goes back to being monotonous. i just wonder like why am i still alive. you know. i’m so sorry, i whisper. i just wanna, eden says. like. i’m just really tired. her voice is weary suddenly. of all this. i’ve been wanting to die for so long now i. like why am i still.. anyway. anyway. 

no i mean do- do you wanna talk about how you feel, i say. we can talk about it.

i don’t, eden says, effectively ending the conversation. okay, i say. i don’t argue. 

[gro-hls]

big rant possibly problematic idk some stuff idk how to phrase but 

yo okay so the drum teacher at my school a) is a perv and harrasses girls and sometimes other genders ppl if he doesn’t know b) misgenders people after being corrected like there’s no tomorrow c) is like completely senile and always talking about monsanto or dumb shit antivaxx etc d) does not teach drums properly at all, causing a high dropout rate e) sometimes yells allahu akbar really loud in the middle of the night clearly not in a praying way, like i would be equally as rattled if someone yelled praise jesus or barukh hashem that loud at 10pm to themselves with that amount of desperation and he also just yells nothing like straight AAAA sometimes and e) has been calling security on us just to complicate our lives

so a) like he told one of my friends he wanted to see her play violin in spandex, asked another one if she wears a one piece or a two piece to the beach in the context of whether or not he should bring binoculars, tried to hug a girl from behind last year and the girl Literally Jumped away like a cat who has been thrown in water, and yesterday he was telling me abt a movie “where a little white girl falls in love with a black teacher and brings him home but that wasn’t ok back then” ok homie like student w teacher is always weird and gross no matter what lmao

b) he was calling this preop woman from a few years back a “transsexual man” no matter how many times we corrected pronouns/told him that meant woman

c) he has terrible hygiene, legit wears the same dirty DIZZY 2016 tanktop every day because his dad had connects so he fkn slithered his way into performing with dizzy gillespie One Time and now he can’t stop bringing it up, and his (apparently hot af according to the composition and recording teachers) sister is married to a famous jazz sax player kenny garrett, whom he once put on speaker phone to me flexing “female bass player” so i could hear him practice cycles of fourths terribly on piano, he thinks deodorant is poison so he puts cloves in his armpits but that just makes him smell worse, but i legit see him with a can of guru every day and he roasted me for having coke zero yesterday, wears so much baby powder on his always bare feet that u can scrape it out of the bass drum pedals with a key, and when that happened we also found a rotten caf tuna wrap in his file cabinet

d) he didnt show up to any of my friend’s lessons two years ago, then gave him a 37 because he forgot that he was the one skipping lessons

e) so he calls security when we leave our bags unattended because he thinks we’re bringing bombs into the department???

anyways so the program coordinator, the dean and me are working on a list of offenses to get him fired and get a competent drum teacher, but the union is being b8 and saying as long as he doesnt touch someone or have child porn, they cant do shit + his dad just died and his mom is v sick so apparently he cant get fired, OH AND he illegally uses his mom’s car w her accessible parking sticker to steal spots from disabled students no matter how many times security c alls him out on it bc hes not disabled

he tries to bring “all female student bands” to hotel gigs and such and tells his combo members to dress sexy and he’s like actually such a perv holy fuck

he fkn doesn’t even practice he just fills for hours straight and he tells his students that playing loud and busy and odd times is more important than grooving, and during lessons he legit just plays this fkn ridiculous synth tone and only like 3 things, one of them being oh canada but atonal and another is a diminished tetrachord and it GOES ON ALL DAY

if a student is standing in the hallway he makes sure to pass by as close as he can and say excuse me fkn loud even if there’s space

he smells like shit and he makes people so uncomfortable that other teachers will see him talk to students and immediately strike up a conversation

so anyways he fkn called security on our bags and i told one of them ( a new one) that this is common and not to be taken seriously and he was like “yo you gotta protect yourself, my ex girlfriend is taking me to court because she says i hit her, but she made it up and she’s lying but i would win anyways because i’m in the judicial system, anyways if he fucks with your bags again just call the cops and tell them there’s a n**** trying to fuck with you” ok completely unrelated wtf and this security guard wasn’t black but the other one was and was clearly rattled, OH ALSO this was after a 15 min long convo abt racism and slavery that both security guards and the teacher were involved him (also my friend ryan is half jamaican and the drum teacher once fully like mimed whipping him and everyone was like wtf), but anyways all this time im like backing up and the security guy is coming closer, then an hour later they come kick us out like they always do at that time when school closes and then the guy told me he got fired because he had dyspraxia and this was the 12th job he lost, and i was like... r u sure it’s not cause u told a student you were in court for domestic abuse and used a racial slur, and then we see my friend coming out of the practice rooms and he FULLY DOES IT AGAIN hes like is that ur friend or my n*** and im like BRUV WTF and it’s like.... idk if any of this is problematic but like... how the fUCK are people supposed to feel safe in this school