#then there comes the identity crisis. bcs i would bury this wtvr inside me to not ruin things anymore but
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back home <3
#🌙.rambles#earlier already actually but ><#playing ffxiv rn i miss this game#IT'S SO VERY NEAR CHRISTMAS N I'M NOT PREPARED OR WTVR AAAA#very nearly end of the year too oh my god time flies by far too fast#i feel better compared to earlier thankfully :< but still like. empty????#i'm.. really bad at friendships thanks to old ones i had that i got hurt from so hdklafjdslf T_T#recently i've been feeling like i've fucked up#but i'm too tired to reach out in any way anymore for either myself or for others n i'm sorry for both#i don't want to forsake myself. even if it's hopeless i still want to hold unto all of those dreams n wishes n words i wrote to myself#sigh yk i don't really purposely 'deceive' ppl n i hate that so much but i very much relate to ffxiv urianger#recently i've been. idk but just like the old days with fiction hehe#fe3h ffxv ffvii yeah stuff from my childhood specifically n then#n then. i want to help others in a way i know i can. n even if i cld help just a bit i.. really want to bcs i care for you all so much but#n then another thing you know that feeling when you really want to hate someone but. you can't.#i really can't hate them.. i say them but they don't go by those pronouns i just usually default to them to be ambiguous here#i can't.. hate them they mean so much to me after n all. once upon a time i used to wish for more. maybe i still do#then there comes the identity crisis. bcs i would bury this wtvr inside me to not ruin things anymore but#i want to be authentic i want to be true to myself i don't want to let go of all i've written to myself in the past#..i can't hate them bcs it was never their fault in the first place. but for them i guess none of it ever had to do with me#but that type of thinking is. nah bcs none of it is even certain but here i am already giving up? that's not like me at all#but for someone like me.. for reasons too long to write here i. i can't reach out more for myself#let's say if there were two sides in me; one's 'selflessness' is a farce to the other wherein it's merely just selfish#but to the other side. reaching out more for the whole self wld be selfish 'for the sake of the third-party'#if that makes sense 😭 but i don't know why i'm writing here wait#HELP I DIDNT EVEN MEAN TO RAMBLE I WAS DOING PRETTY WELL THEN I GOT OFF-TRACK WHEN I STARTED WRITING#nyways i'm home yes i'll fix stuff tmrrw <3 oh dear christmas is so soon.. AGHH I'M FINE
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