#then my dad helpfully (not a lie) tells my cousin he really wants to punch my coisins dad and that my cousin should punch that old man

[realbacchus]

I loooove my family because they are the reason I want to drink but the reason can't (alcoholism is on both sides and these people are messsay) : )

[herenortherenearnorfar]

Pretender to the Throne

(Just a not-so-quick SvtFoE bit because I’m still deep in Medical Terminology work but I love the twists, love me some complicated mother-daughter relationships and family dynasties. I guess the third part of my to-be-jossed, Butterfly centric SvtFoE fics.)

Star had never put much stock by her royal privilege. When you were born with something, you took it for granted; like Tom with fire, or Ponyhead with floating. 

More and more often, Marco was the one who put the pieces together for her. He bothered to learn about royal rules and rights, and how Star could technically skip to the head of any ice cream line in the allied kingdoms of Mewni. He was the one who shook her shoulder on the carriage ride home and whispered, “Hey, if Miss Heinous is a Butterfly, and she was Eclipsa’s daughter, and Eclipsa was queen, does that mean she was supposed to be queen?”

Star’s eyes flew open, and she punched Tom- her makeshift pillow- in the chest instinctively. He flicked the back of her head. “Not full of goose feathers, Star.”

“Sorry,” she said, apologetically. “Marco just said something real whack though. Marco, repeat the whack thing.”

Marco blushed under all the attention. Pony, at least, was still asleep, napping off the punch, but Star was staring blearily and even Tom was paying attention in between tearing strips off his shock blanket and incinerating them. “I mean, Eclipsa was queen, and Miss Heinous was- is, really- her daughter. And the daughter of a queen becomes queen next, right?”

“Normally, yes...” Star was too upset with the night to explain the complexities of Mewni’s succession- and frankly she hadn’t paid enough attention in school. She was next in line and that was all that mattered. “But not if there’s an older daughter, I don’t think. And Eclipsa is my great-whatever grandma, so she must have had an older daughter, right?” 

Suddenly, she felt uncertain of that once sure fact. Maybe Eclipsa was just her aunt, or her cousin. The grandma room couldn’t only be for grandmas. Butterflys charged into battle too often and too recklessly for them to have maintained a single line of descent. 

“Besides,” she said, covering for her sudden confusion with overconfidence, “A monster couldn’t inherit.”

Marco shifted a little on his bench, like he had in class when he knew the right answer but was afraid to say so. “Are you sure?”

Star gaped at him, mouth moving silently as she looked for an explanation she couldn’t provide. Desperately she glanced around the carriage, as if an inheritance lawyer would appear out of nowhere and solve her woes, but there were only the four of them. Ponyhead snored softly and Tom shrugged, as unhelpful as ever. His mother had emerged from lava and primordial evil and his father was the abstract conglomeration of every middle-aged dad who had ever gotten angry at a hardware store. He didn’t have to deal with extended family. 

“It might not be a law,” Star rallied finally, “But you know what mewmans are like; no one would have let her inherit. Especially not if she was a baby.”

“Yeah,” Marco said, “They might, I don’t know, try to kill her? Leave a crazy lady with purple hair outside her bedroom in case she ever tried to come back?”

“It does kind of make sense,” Tom said helpfully, “You don’t leave someone to guard something that isn’t dangerous- I’m just saying!” He held up his hands like he was afraid he’d get punched again. 

“I’m almost certain Eclipsa is my grandmother,” Star said, “’Cause her tapestry said she was married to a mewman first and you don’t say that unless you- you know.” It felt awkward to explain the basics of royal marriage to a pair of boys, even boys who were her friends, but they both nodded agreeably. 

“Got busy, yeah,” Tom said. “Maybe they were afraid she’d try to inherit anyway. Like, a bunch of monsters would want to make her queen because she’s a monster too.”

There was a long pause. 

“That’s really smart, Tom,” Marco said. 

Tom nodded, “I try.” The ragged remainder of the shock blanket burst into flames in his hands, sending Star scooching down the bench towards Marco. The flames died down quickly, Tom’s fires always burned out fast, but Star elected to stay away. He seemed a little moody, even if he didn’t realize it, and there was still a lot of hairspray in her hair. 

“Even if Miss Heinous- Meteora- was the heir back then, that doesn’t really matter now though, does it?” Star asked, trying to steer the conversation back on track. “There have been lots of queens. Seems like you’ve got a window to grab the throne and after that you’ve lost your chance.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works legally,” Marco said with a frown.

“Legality, reality. It doesn’t matter what’s legal, Marco!”

There was a long silence. Tom started to gently smoke. Both Marco and Star turned on him, concerned. 

Marco edged around the carriage floor until he was across from Tom, trying not to get jolted into the demon’s personal space. “Hey, Tom, buddy? Is everything okay?” 

“Yeah, it’s fine,” Tom insisted, crossing his arms. Star closed in on him from the side. 

“You smell like brimstone,” she pointed out, with an awkward chuckle, “The driver is going to think we’re up to something in here.”

Tom didn’t respond. Marco reached over and carefully patted his hand, then withdrew with a yelp. “It’s okay to talk to your friends,” he said as he stuck his fingers in his mouth, “Also your skin is really hot and I’d prefer that no one gets second degree burns the next time we go around a bend really fast. We need to cool off.”

The threat of imminent danger to others finally did it. Tom flipped his sunglasses down over his eyes and leaned back against the carriage’s upholstery, ignoring how the leather hissed in protest. “She just looked a lot like me, is all. Looks human with a big red parent, magical powers, royal heritage. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since I realized. You know I don’t usually care about politics but this one feels... strange.”

He wasn’t exactly wrong, Star reflected. Meteora did kind of look like him, if you squinted. The pale hair, the pointed ears, the hint of fangs. 

She hugged Tom, heedless of the way the cushions were melting around him. Sure enough, by the time she touched him he was just uncomfortably warm. “It’s not weird.”

“This doesn’t mean I’m on her side, or anything,” Tom protested, “Just some mildly uncomfortable feelings for me to talk out with my therapist.” “Well, I’m sort of on her side,” Marco said, as Star and Tom pulled apart. “Miss Heinous is terrible, but whatever happened to her sounds worse.”

“I know,” Star agreed, voice feeling too tight in her throat. “And I didn’t mean to say- I mean. We need to focus on what we can do now to fix this. I need to talk to my parents. I just don’t know what I’m going to say.”

A hand rapped on the side of the carriage and a voice full of knightly bluster called, “Five minutes until the Underworld and Cloud Kingdom!”

Tom pressed a little closer to Star’s side. “If anyone can figure it out, it’s you.”

In the corner, Pony abruptly stopped snoring and righted herself in midair, shaking free of the bubble Star had put her in to keep her from sleep goring anyone on the long and bumpy ride. Star brightened. 

“Ponyhead! We were just talking about-”

“Mmmhm,” Pony, never a light sleeper, looked oddly alert. “I heard. I was ignoring you because it was, how can I say this, not very interesting? But it’s clear that you all need my help.” 

Marco, less used to Ponyhead, looked affronted. “We don’t need-”

It was no use, she was on a roll. “It’s not your fault, you’re all only children. Politics don’t come easily to you. But I’ve had to live and breath politics every day or get stabbed in the back. Sibling life, you know. Listen up, because I’m only going to say this once.”

Star leaned in. Marco sighed but dutifully took out his favorite notebook. Tom stared out the window, pretending not to listen. 

“First off, you need to figure out the laws. Loopholes are your friends and everyone else is going try to use them. Learn every last declaration and requirement. And figure out how our girl Heinous really is related to you. Much as I hate to say it, you’re going to have to read some stuff.”

“We can do that,” Marco said slowly,

“I’m not done. Don’t tell your parents. Parents have no sense of humor about this sort of thing. Also if they know you’re looking for the information they might start looking at what you’re checking out of the library and that won’t end well. Do talk to historians though. They love talking, it’s the worst. And see if you can get some information out of our girl Eclipsa.” Ponyhead had the calculating look of someone who dealt with secret evil cousins very week, “Don’t tell her about her kid being alive though, that might upset her.”

“I can’t lie to her!” Star protested. 

“You can and you have to, bestie. She’s dangerous. You should also listen to the monster communities. If someone wants the throne they need co-conspirators, and the first place you look is family. If Heinous can’t get to her mom she’s going to turn to monsters related to her dad, or just monsters in general. Keep your ear to the ground.” 

The carriage started to slow to a halt. 

“That’s our stop,” Ponyhead commented. 

Star gave her a neck crushing hug. “Thank you for the advice,” she whispered.

“Learn how to throw better parties! Love you! Talk to you!” Pony said as she drifted out the door, now being held open by a waiting knight. ‘

Tom lingered. Under the gaze of Mewni’s finest they couldn’t talk freely, but he kissed Star on the cheek and said, “I’m sure you’ll figure... all of this out.”

“Thanks. And Tom? You know if you ever want to talk about feelings we’re here, right?”

“All of us,” Marco confirmed, looking up from his notebook to give Tom an earnest, if bleary smile. 

Tom backed out of the carriage hastily, “I absolutely will not be taking you up on that. Later, babe!”

The door closed, and the carriage started back on it’s way. It wasn’t too far from the outskirts of the city to the castle, and Star already felt dread at the scolding she was about to get slowly bubbling in her stomach. She threw herself across the carriage and stretched out on the unburnt bench so her head was next to Marco’s thigh and her legs were folded up against the wall. Even the sight of her party boots wasn’t enough to soothe her. 

Marco starting taking the pins out of her hair. Half of them had already fallen out, and the removal of just a few more made the entire updo collapse like a souffle. 

After a few minutes of listening to the wheels on the cobbles and the soft bleats of the invisible goat, Star had had enough. 

“It’s just... it’s so messed up!” she said, hand fluttering in frustration. “Mewni was bad to begin with, but I thought I could fix the problems with monsters and mewmans. I thought I could help Eclipsa. I don’t know if I can fix this. It’s so big.”

“Yeah, it is,” Marco agreed. “But I think we have to try.”

They did. As horrible as all the options for action were, inaction was even worse. 

It was only- Star was a royal, born and bred. She didn’t always think about it, or pay attention to it, but it was in her bones. She could disregard the privileges and ignore the customs of her station, but deep within her bones lurked the imperative to protect her birthright, protect her kingdom, protect her magic. It was something her mother had whispered to her when she was too young to fully remember it. 

Helping the monsters hadn’t required disregarding that. Neither had helping Eclipsa, long deposed and with no interest in queendom. But helping Meteora, who was frightening and had been wronged, and whose hurt might have given Star her crown? 

As Ponyhead always pointed out when she pushed her sisters around, a princess couldn’t well help her rival to the throne. 

“She’s family,” Star muttered.

Marco patted her head. “Yeah. Your family is super messed up.”