#then bro goes to jail for tax fraud and the parrot runs away never to be seen again

[not-this-guy]

my most stupid and beloved au is a non-game au where in bro is just like that, its the brain damage, yea? but lil cal is a parrot. a horrible, huge ancient rescue parrot that’s older than him, nearly entirely bald but still manages to fly -- but only when you’re not looking. bro dresses it up in little outfits, hoodies and chains that he made. half the reason he remembers to eat and feed dave is because the cursed thing won’t stop screaming at him and trying to claw his eyes out if he’s late by a second. if he’s lying on the futon playing video games the parrot will be sitting on his chest and feeding him doritos. lil cal can mimic some phrases (bro, sup dude, aight, lil cal in the house - to name a few), but it mostly communicates by cackling ominously from the other side of the apartment - and beatboxing - if it starts beatboxing you better be ready with rhymes or it will bite you.  lil cal can open cabinets, doors and window latches if they’re not locked, and it’s always two steps behind bro. bro and it are as co-dependent as a man and his ancient evil parrot can be - he loves it more than he loves himself and dave combined. like come on, look at it. what could be better than this fugly looking parrot that only he can control - said by the man who has effectively been conditioned by the parrot instead.

to dave, bro’s the eternal “he’s not that bad”/”he don’t bite” in relation to lil cal, but like. the parrot absolutely is that bad and it does like picking on children - which dave happens to be for the entirety of his stay under bro’s roof. it’s not as vicious towards dave as it is towards bro, but the psychological torture is real - you haven’t known fear until a flying parrot drops a glass cup behind you and then sits there cackling down at you from the top of the door - effectively blaming you for the cup breaking, or scratches at your door trying to shimmy it open in the middle of the night while going hehehohohaha, like normal parrots are obviously known to do.

but hey lil cal rules, end of discussion.