#then again i dont really talk abt my identity that much (irl or online) but thats more just bc it's not a huge Thing for me

[s0dabeach]

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[cringelordofchaos]

OK OK Sooo

My gender is apparently hella weird cuz I keep changing my mind over whether I'm trans or just gnc cis and someone said I could be gender fluid once which makes sense but in that case my gender changes every single fucking day lmao

i also get pretty dysphoric(?) when I get called my agab irl (idc too much Abt online perception though) but I've been trying to care less and reflect on it all and how people perceive me doesn't have to matter and I am my own person and always will be my own person no matter what other people think. but it still hurts as hell in all honesty.

I miss the days where random kids ran up to me and asked "are you a boy or a girl ??" and me childishly responding with "im a goblin" or just foolishly running away. nowadays people just assume once again and honestly idk how to feel abt that

today I had read a ton of Sophie Labelle's assignedmale comics which is making me requestion my gender identity again although just two days ago I had officially declared to myself that I'm just cis (bc of random radfem shit I saw on tumblr n Twitter that made me hate myself) so pretty confusing

Ive also been thinking I could be just agender cuz how I view gender is pretty weird but then again I could always just be cis n confused

I had tried googling "passing tips for trans people" bc yeah and i don't think I'm going to strictly follow those guidelines cuz some guides say "you HAVE to dress like this DO NOT dress like THAT and express yourself the way you want to" and I really don't want to just be "normal and passing" I still want to be authentic to myself and be fucking weird with it lol

my current hair length makes it hard for me to be perceived as anything I would want cuz "short hair = boy" and "long hair = girl" sentiments still exist but whatever I'm just trying to make it work in my own way

If you dont know which pronouns to use anythings fine Im trying to experiment with everything and see how it feels still.

So maybe my gender / how I view gender DOES change every day in which case today I had decided I am a goybirl/birlgoy. I shan't elaborate much further

sorry if any of this is weird/random and sorry for taking such a long time responding and also for dumping all of this onto you. I just really dont know who else to talk to about this since my family's kinda... Ehhhhhg regarding trans stuff (I mean not all my family most r good but I still dont feel much comfortable talking to them abt it)

YOUR HYPER-CIS BUDDY IS HAVING A GENDER CRISIS ONCE AGAIN (may I rant)

Please do man J am here to listen

[sporesgalaxy]

philosophytube coming out as trans made me curious so i scrolled thru some old talkpost tags and apparently I realized I was some variety of nonbinary abt 5 years ago in late 2015 :) I was 16 at the time

I am now going to talk about my gender experiences bc I appreciate seeing others share their gender experiences so much. Hope this can help someone like me feel seen and affirmed the way these things make me feel.

I have memory issues so I couldnt tell you how long I had an inkling I might be before I decided, but I made it look like I googled some stuff, read the definition of bigender, and pretty much immediately changed the pronouns in my bio. I was very gung ho about it because I felt I finally had a word for an experience I'd been silently living my whole life. I dont vibe as much with that label anymore but I absolutely still identify my variety of nonbinary-ness as an equal mixture of masculinity and femininity.

I did a lot of agonizing behind the scenes-- though, memory issues again-- I very well might have publicly complained about it some, I was very stressed and desperate to feel seen and commiserated and accepted at 16. But I definitely agonized MORE than I admitted I did. For many of my teen years after finding out about nonbinary identities, I still felt like being A Girl was somehow inescapable. I had a silent, dark sense of certainty that I would always be percieved as a girl unless I did something drastic to my body, but I also knew I didn't want to do anything drastic to my body, so I was terrified that by process of elimination, that meant I was "stuck" being A Girl. I have always really liked masculine titles (mister, sir), but I would downplay this, downplay my pronoun preferences extending beyond she/her, downplay my desire to look gender nonconforming even when I was in complete control of my appearance via art. I don't look like that, I would tell myself, I look like A Girl, and I have to be honest about that.

I repeatedly made the conscious decision to play into being more feminine, more like A Girl in ways I didn't want to be, because despite knowing about and deeply connecting with Nonbinary experiences, I had this misplaced conviction about being "honest" and "realistic" about how *exclusively* feminine I felt I was doomed to be.

I am doing much better these days. I wear more form-fitting clothes, more shorts, more jewlery than I ever have before in my life. Not all the time, but far more often. And they don't make me feel like A Girl. I don't draw myself like A Girl because I don't want to.

Growing past being a teen makes it better. The physiology of the teen brain just naturally makes everything more excruciating. Continuing to be able to casually discuss being queer w my irl friendgroup makes a world difference, even back when i WAS still a teen. Maybe especially then. It's had a huge impact on me to have ppl who see me irl often for years and years who I can trust won't have a reductive view of my identity based on appearances & my being comfortable with she/her pronouns. Living with ppl I can trust like that rather than family I'm nervous to come out to has given me a lot of confidence as well.

Living long enough to see more queer people out existing in the world, online and irl, has also had a huge impact on my confidence and my comfort with myself and my identity. Living long enough to come to a better understanding of the ways I want to express my gender has been incredible! And I look forward to continuing to figure myself out and becoming an even happier more authentic version of myself in years to come. I love trans people and I love being trans :) anyways have a good one