#them for the 2nd time because i never had enough money for anything... now i don't know when/if live music will ever be accessible to

[whatevers-inconvenient]

btw peter doherty i love you so much

[itsmarsss]

Scandalous (Blitzø x Fem!Succubus!Reader x Stolas) [Helluva Boss] pt. 8 - Catharsis

How the mighty do fall. (Getting into a weird three-way situation with an imp and a succubus isn't exactly considered classy, Stolas)

Do you ever think about anyone’s feelings other than your own? 

pt. 1 | pt. 2 | pt. 3 | pt. 4 | pt. 5 | 1st bonus | pt. 6 | pt. 7 | pt. 8 | pt. 9 | 2nd bonus | pt. 10

Word count: 4,900

Warnings: self-deprecating thoughts, thoughts of death, heavy drinking, use of alcohol and sexual behavior as coping mechanisms. you know it's what you can expect from a blitzo-centered chapter. this happens right after the ozzie's chapter.

dividers by @cafekitsune | art (you’ll see) by @sweetadonisbutbetter <3

Blitzø is going to die alone. 

He’s going to die alone and no one will attend his funeral or even visit his grave other than to spit on it and his gravestone will read ‘Here Lies Blitzo Buckzo’ and nothing more because no one will be there to tell them to cross out the O and he most certainly won’t be a beloved anything. He'll just stay Blitzo Buckzo, forever.

And Blitzo Buckzo fucking sucks. 

Sometimes he wishes he was able to think before he spoke. He never does much of that and he’s aware he’d probably have refrained from hurting half the people he’s hurt if he could just keep his damn mouth shut. He didn’t think about this all that much… except for when he did. 

Do you ever think about anyone’s feelings other than your own? 

Her voice rings in his head non-stop, like one of those annoying fucking church bells he’d come across once in the living world that ring every single hour, making it unable for its existence to be forgotten.

Do you ever think about anyone’s feelings other than your own? 

It rings over and over again, stubborn, and it just won’t fucking go away.

Do you ever think about anyone’s feelings other than your own? 

Blitzø drives home on his own, but not in silence. He turns the radio on and the volume up until he figures it must be loud enough that he’ll have trouble hearing his own thoughts. It doesn’t work. The shit thing about thoughts is that they’re not something you can just turn off when you get sick of them. They follow you everywhere, all the time, inconvenient and impossible to get rid of. He proceeds to ignore the songs that come on in favor of mumbling incoherent things under his breath in a desperate attempt to reassure himself that he’s not bothered by everything that just happened.  Things like I can think about people’s fuckin’ feelings and think you’re so much better than me, well fuck you and rich fuckin’ asshole thinks he’s hot shit and probably suckin’ face right now. 

You know, things that prove he doesn’t care one bit. 

Whatever.

He parks the van without a care, still too busy mumbling to himself, leaving it askew, taking up almost half of the parking spot next to his own. The old lady from 22 is gonna be pissed at the inconvenience. Well fuck her too. He doesn’t spare another thought on that. 

He dreads the walk up the stairs to the apartment, wishing he lived somewhere with an elevator, or in a house, or in a super sick fancy mansion where he used money as toilet paper when he took a shit because he was just that rich. Actually, scratch that, that sounds uncomfortable. At least his shitty apartment with limited hot water and four flights of stairs before it had real toilet paper, and it was the nice kind even, he always made sure of it even if it was a little more expensive. 

His little luxuries start to sound stupid when he’s been spending so much time around Stolas and all his fancy stuff.

When he opens the door and enters the apartment, his first immediate thought is to knock on Loona’s door. He groans once as he walks towards it and then once again when he spots the note she left taped to it. ‘Tex invited me to a party. Don’t wait up.’ Yeah of course he fucking did.

Do you ever think about anyone’s feelings other than your own? 

Does he? 

He does. He thinks he does, at least. Maybe not all the time, but why else would he have said those things to her other than to protect her feelings? It’s not his fault if she was setting herself up for heartbreak. She needed to kill those feelings and if she wouldn’t then he would, fuck being the bad guy. In fact, fuck her too! He could so think about other people’s feelings.

He groans a third time at the thought of spending the night all alone, because he already knows what being alone makes out of him, and he doesn't like it one bit. If he could, he’d never be alone, not even for a single second, ever. Maybe that way he wouldn’t be so pathetic and so sad, because that’s what being alone made of him: pathetic and sad. 

It’s why Blitzø used to hate weekends. 

Satan, he fucking hated them. Why couldn’t every day be a work day? Why would they need a break? If it were up to him, there would be no such thing as a weekend. Because on weekends he had nothing to distract him from the ever-growing nothing in the pit of his chest and that wasn’t much fun at all.

Until Y/N accepted the job at I.M.P.

Before that, they used to speak almost exclusively through text, extremely inconsistently. He’s never really been the greatest at texting, but he could spam her with stupid memes and pictures of him doing random things throughout his day and horse doodles that she didn’t seem mad about receiving. They spent a whole year like that, only meeting in person a few times here and there.

When he offered her the job he promised himself not to have any expectations because, well shit, why would she trade in an obviously well-paying job, with her best friend as her boss, where she’d been working for years on end without having to hurt or kill anybody, for whatever it was he was asking her to do? 

But then she said yes.

It wasn’t long until he figured out they weren’t all that different from each other. Apparently, as much as she liked to complain about needing a break, just to annoy him, she dreaded weekends too. Not that she’d just admit that point-blank, but they did go out on on a Friday night after work and she did drink one too many and she sighed and complained about having to go home and it was all so much like him. ‘I don’t wanna be alone, Blitz,’ she’d told him. 

He didn't wanna be alone either.

And so he took her back home and he slept on her couch and he stayed there the next day, keeping her company and, honestly, enjoying hers. 

That’s how their tradition started. Almost every single weekend, the two will find themselves in either of their apartments, in the ugliest clothes they own, to cook or order something extremely greasy and unhealthy and marathon a shit-ton of movies, staying in on Saturday after going out somewhere on Friday. Loona would routinely call it ‘patheticville’ and ‘loser day’ and things like that. 

He doesn't hate weekends anymore. 

Do you ever think about anyone’s feelings other than your own? 

And now he’d fucking gone and done this. 

He still wanted to fight, then. To argue, to scream, to yell. He wanted them to do it too. To get down and dirty and scream back at him. He wanted a reason to react.

Blitzø has always been very good at reacting. 

Do you ever think about anyone’s feelings other than you own?

But how was he supposed to react to that? The thought of grabbing his phone and texting her something along the lines of ‘fuck you and your pet bird too’ crosses his mind for a moment and, shit, maybe he is a prick, and he was gonna die alone wasn’t he? He was sure to if he kept doing this kind of thing. 

And maybe he fucking deserves it. 

Sometimes he wonders just how he’s going to die. Will it be peaceful? He hopes not. He sure as shit does not deserve peaceful. Maybe it could at least be cool. Maybe he could go down in a super badass shootout in the human world or a cool-as-fuck sword fight or something. Or maybe he’ll die in some dumbass way like tripping on the sidewalk and cracking his head open on the pavement. Maybe it’ll be in one of those days when he’ll be climbing up Stolas’ balcony and then he’ll slip and fall and break all his bones only to be found dead on the grass surrounded by ball gags and anal plugs. A stupid send-off for a stupid motherfucker. 

He throws himself on the couch instead and curls up into a ball, wishing he had a big royal-size bed with soft sheets and like three or four fluffy pillows, or even a simple twin-sized one, or at least that the couch was a pull-out. 

He grabs his phone and inevitably goes where he always goes when he feels like this- his ‘people I care about’ folder. He swipes through the various pictures. The ones of himself with I.M.P. in the living world, the one he made Moxxie pose with him for with them pointing their guns at each other, the one with Millie when she still had her long hair. The one from the day of Loona’s adoption, the one he took of Stolas sleeping next to him. The selfie with Verosika, the one he secretly took of Y/N watching the screen when he first showed ‘Spirit’ to her. 

And then he lands on the one. The one with Barbie and his mom. 

Blitzø is a 35 years old single father who kills people for a living. He’s been handling his own shit for almost two decades now. But in this moment… he just wants his mama.

Do you ever think about anyone’s feelings other than your own? 

What would she have thought of that?

Yeah, he should have known it would be a ‘cry himself to sleep’ kind of night.

Blitzø doesn’t know for how long he’s been passed out when he wakes up disoriented. He doesn’t remember falling asleep, and that probably explains why his body ached so much with how uncomfortable the position he’d slept in was. He wakes up with the barking sounds of Loona’s special ringtone and scrambles to pick it up. 

“Loonie baby? You alright? Did something happen to you, are you hurt?”

“No, Blitz. I just- can you just come pick me up?” She sounds like she’s been crying. Fuck, no, his baby needs him. No time to be sad.

He’s up in a second. “On my way. Send me the address.” He hangs up, searching for his car keys (which he found between the couch seats) and running down the stairs.

Loona went two rings down to Gluttony for this party. It makes sense, he supposes. He’s more of a Lust Ring party kind of guy himself, but he’s heard Gluttony parties got crazy. He accelerates as fast as the shitty van will let him and gets there pretty quickly, only to find her outside, still crying.

He rolls down the window before he even stops the car completely. “Hey, Loonie. How ya doin’, you alright?”

She wipes a tear with the back of her hand and enters the car with a huff, crossing her arms over her chest. “Yeah, I’m fine! I just wanna go.” She sounds anything but fine.

He’s about to ask her what happened when some fuckface he definitely doesn’t remember calls him by name. The wrong one. “Hey! That sounds like Blitzo!”

“The ‘O’ is silent, asshole!”

“Hey, I knew it was you! Fuck, man, where you been? You here for the party?”

“No, I’m just here picking up my daughter.”

The guy walks up to Loona’s window, and she hides her face from him with her hands, embarrassed. “Oh, shit, you have a daughter now?”

“Adopted!” She yells out, and it stings a bit, regardless of being objectively true. 

“Oh, man, you’re already leaving? Things just got started! Come in and show us all up again.”

Blitzø groans, annoyed by the insistence. “No, no, thank you, but I think Loonie wants to head back now.” 

Some other weirdo approaches the van, leaning on the passenger’s window. “Huh, the hottie wants to leave?” Come on, right in front of him? 

He instinctively starts to growl. “Watch it.”

“I mean, we could stay a little longer,” Loona tells him.

He sighs. He’s not normally one to turn down a party, especially one with free booze, but he feels that’s probably what he should do.. “I think we need to go, ‘kay? I think it’s been a long night.”

“Well, these people seem to know you. Come on! I think I wanna give this another try. Pleeeeaaase?” She gives him the goddamn puppy dog eyes and she knows he can already hardly resist fulfilling her requests.

Well, if she insists. He could definitely use a drink…

“Okay, fine. Maybe one drink.”

… Or a good old night of drinking to forget.

Blitzø downs two tequila shots before he’s even made it into the house. He downs four beers at rapid speed as soon as he does manage to get inside, crushing the cans and cheering loudly when he was done, and then suddenly he finds himself saying yes to a keg stand. It’s so easy he can do it in his sleep. Fuck being too old for this, he’d never be too old to have fun. And he can handle so much more than a keg stand. “Ha-ha! That was nothing, bitch! Give me a real challenge!”

Beelzebub herself appears in front of him, seemingly materializing out of nowhere (or maybe he’s just drunk), all cheers and neon colors and psychedelic paraphernalia floating around her, and she does challenge him. “Oh yeah? Wanna fucks with the big bitch, imp boy? I got a challenge for ya.” 

Someone somewhere murmurs “He’s gonna die.”

Now that sounds like a challenge he can get behind.

Vortex walks up to them, carrying two huge gallons of something and placing them on the floor between him and the Sin. “Aaaaight, let’s do this! From Bee’s personal supply, the hardest shit there is.” He crouches down to Blitzø’s height. “You ready, my man?” 

Fuck, this better fucking kill him alright. “Bring it, barky! I will drink you under this fucking table, you have no idea what kind of night I’ve had.” He struggles trying to pry the gallon open, and Bee uses her magic or whatever to make them levitate, extending a straw from it. Of course she’d flaunt her magical powers and her easy fucking life to him.

“Alright, shit-talker, but there hasn’t been a soul yet who can beat me at my own game, so you better bring the fire, baby!.” 

“Ohh, is Queen Bee too scawed to lose to a widdle imp like me?” He bets she is. And he bets she’ll be embarrassed when she loses to him (because she is going to lose). Fucking big names like her always are. 

“Oh, okay. Let’s get it on, you little bastard!”

Vortex signs for them to begin and it takes about two seconds for Blitzø to have downed about a fourth of it already, but why stop there? He pulls the straw out and pours the drink straight into his mouth, downing the entirety of it at light speed. He’s so quick Beelzebub even stops chugging her own, amused… Concerned? Noo, no way. Amused. 

He climbs on top of the huge gallon to be at face level with her and properly rub it on her face, high on the adrenaline of it all (and perhaps a little bit on the buzz from the extremely strong drink too). “Yeah, who’s the queen now?”

Loona cheers for him loudly, and it fills him with joy when she proudly yells out “yeah! That’s my dad!” Yeah. That’s damn right. 

Bee lets her own unfinished gallon fall down to the floor and crosses her arms over her chest. Yeah, definitely impressed. “Well, fuck me. That’s a first. I haven’t had a first in a while. That was magical, seriously. Impressive. I tip my crown to you, imp boy. Respect.” Fuck her still calling him imp boy, but she’s actually admitting his victory and shes bowing to him, as she fucking should. 

She howls, every hellhound around following suit, and Blitzø feels on top of the world. 

Why does the world start spinning when you get yourself on top of it? 

He almost falls to the ground, but then he’s getting held up by a bunch of strangers like a cool-as-fuck goddamn rockstar and, shit, why had he stopped getting wasted and doing this kind of thing every night again?

He doesn’t exactly remember when people started doing body shots off of him but he does remember getting freaky with a few of them, which did very little to make him feel good and honestly felt a little gross with the amounts of drinks getting spilled all over and making things rather… sticky, but it was doing wonders to his thought problem. 

Who would have known having four strangers’ tongues inside of you at once could be a great way to muffle the unsolicited thoughts in his head?

The second those people fuck off somewhere else the thoughts come in again, though. Stolas hiding his face in shame behind the menu. Do you ever think about anyone’s feelings other than your own? Y/n unable to look him in the eye. Are you worried someday I may have enough of it as well? Fizz is gonna hate him forever. You’re not my real dad! Verosika will always regret him. We could just… talk. Or… watch a movie? Or maybe… cuddle? Y/n’s crying face, Stolas’ disappointed one. Oh, they both had such fuckable faces didn’t they? Which reminded him: he really wanted to fuck someone.

He’s making out with a guy whose name he doesn’t know and whose face he doesn’t even remember when Loona pulls him off of him. “Oh, piss on a dick! What the fuck are you doing, Blitz?”

“This guy,” he grins, pointing to the unnamed man, who now stands still behind him. Wasn’t it obvious?

“It looks like you’re in the middle of a goddamn orgy. Stop!” Oh shit. Loona saw all that? An orgy does sound like some real fucking fun right now. Wait, focus, Loona. Fuck.

“Look, I didn’t expect you to come here and see any of this, Loonie, I’m so sorry, but it’s a party! I’m just having fun with uh… uh…” he turns back around to the man Loona pulled him off of. “The fuck is your name again?”

“Dennis.”

Ew. “Christ on a stick, you would be a Dennis. Get the fuck away from me! I’m not fucking a Dennis tonight. I need a Monica or an Alejandro here, stat.” He’s genuinely surprised that works when some hunky dude pulls him into his huuuge chest. Fuck yeah. “Better.”

Loona punches his Alejandro in the face, and he sincerely doesn’t give a fuck about it, because the world is spinning again, which is weird because this time he does not feel like he’s on top of it at all. In fact, it feels like the world is the meanest dom top ever and he’s a whiny, whiny bottom just sore all over from getting spanked ‘till his ass hurt. Not in a good way.

He falls back on Loona, and she catches him. “You don’t need anyone else sucking your face, freaky weirdo.” She throws him over her shoulder. “You need to drink something other than beelzejuice.”

She pulls him into the van, and she doesn’t rush to get home, because, according to her, she can see he’s already about to throw up. No he’s not, no sir! Ma’am. Loonie. 

Whatever. 

His mind clears a little as they make their way back home, and he pulls out his phone from his back pocket. Thankfully it’s still there.

“The fuck are you doing, dumbass? That’s gonna make you dizzy.”

“Gotta… gotta draw a thing.”

“You gotta draw a thing?”

“Yeah,” he affirms, as if that was enough information for everything to be self-explanatory, even nodding his head yes for emphasis. He surprisingly manages to take his time and put real effort into doodling it, showing it to Loona before sending it.

“Does it look like I did it drunk?” He slurs, letting out an unintentional burp.

“It actually looks pretty good, Blitz.”

“Okay.” 

“So. Who’d you call stupid?”

“Don’t wanna talk about it.”

“Okay.”

“Can you call me dad again?”

“Nope.”

“Okay.”

He presses send and clicks on Stolas’ contact next, only to see there’s an unread message in their chat.

Stols:  I’m sorry if anything I said or did offended you tonight. 

Ha. Bet you really fucking are. 

Still, he’s not Stolas’ fucking boyfriend. What was there to expect from him? Why would he expect anything? 

Blitzy: ITZ WUTEVS

To Blitzø’s surprise, Stolas begins typing immediately, as if he’d been waiting obsessively for his reply.

Stols: Next time you come over, maybe we can talk about what happened at Ozzie’s?

Talk about it? What was there to talk about? Blitzø wanted nothing more than to bury the memories of tonight the deepest under the ground he possibly could. But of course Stolas would want to talk about it.

He always wants to fucking talk about shit.

Blitzy: Y?

Stolas types for what feels like forever, and it must have been, seen that they’re now only one street from the apartment complex, before he sends in a huge-ass paragraph. 

Stols: I’m sorry! Nevermind, it’s not a big deal. I was just worried about you. You seemed very upset and you took off so fast. I’m sure things will be fine with Y/N, she likes you very much, I can see it. Maybe I read too much into everything, though. Not everything is about me, haha. I’m  glad that’s not the case. I wasn’t upset either I just wanted to make sure you weren’t and obviously you can handle a stupid joke a clown can make. Asmodeus can be very invasive in his humor, and Y/N says she’ll talk to him about it, but I thought it was funny myself. What he said about me at least. I enjoy being the subject of jest. Maybe you can say mean things to me too next time you come over. 

Now that is too much to fucking deal with right now. Which means he won’t. 

Blitzy: SHUR.

He clicks out of Stolas’ chat, taking one last glance at Y/N’s before turning his phone off. She hasn’t seen what he sent yet, and that’s actually okay. 

Loona parks the van messily, doing the same thing he’d done earlier and letting the car occupy some space from the neighbour’s spot. He doesn’t even think before asking her to fix it.  “Sweetie, could you just park it a little more to the right?”

“Why?”

Yeah, Blitzø, why do you even care? “Well I don’t want that freaky cat lady to be up my ass about it tomorrow.” Yeah, that. Sure.

She doesn’t seem to find it in her to argue or even as much as groan, simply readjusting the car. She has to carry him over her shoulder again and all he wishes on the way up this time around is that he were a little more sober. She plops him down on the couch and he curls into himself once again while she grabs him a glass of water. 

Nothing to distract him from his thoughts now. 

“I had a really shitty day,” he tells her.

“Oh, yeah? Is that why you drank like five gallons of who-knows-what?”

“I don’t want her to hate me.”

“The person you called stupid?” 

He nods, hiding his face from her when the tears start coming in. “Fuck, Fizz was right. I’m gonna die alone, aren’t I? Just a wrinkly, old, withered waste. Will you be there, Loonie?” Blitzø feels whatever consciousness he’d gained back slipping away again by the second, this time from the need to sleep rather than the alcohol. At what point did he get so tired?

“Be where?” Loona asks, and he’s too out of it to respond properly, only mumbling half-coherent things like lonely and die alone over and over. “I’ll be there, dad," she tells him anyway, and covers him with a blanket, the softest one they own. “Now go the fuck to sleep,” she orders, and he does hear it, he just doesn’t have the strength to say anything in response as he feels himself drifting off to sleep, his last thoughts being that at least he can’t think about anything while asleep and that… 

He vomits all over the living room floor. 

“Oh, fuck, I did need to throw up.”

[. . .]

You feel stupid when it’s Fizzarolli who finds you crying in Ozzie’s waiting area. He skips his way to the room, humming along to some song you can’t quite make out, and he almost doesn’t see you on his way into the office. He hears you sniffling, though, and turns to face you. It takes him a couple seconds to process that it’s you.

“Y/N? What are you doing here? Um. You okay there?”

You look up at him, but it doesn’t feel like you can say anything yet. 

“I-” He motions behind him with his thumb. “I’m gonna- I’m gonna get Ozzie. Stay here, yeah?”

You don’t even know why exactly you’d asked Stolas to send you here when you were still mad at Ozzie. Or maybe not mad. Just… sad about everything that spiraled out of what he did. 

Then again, did you even have anywhere else to go? You could absolutely not make the night worse for Millie and Moxxie by showing up at their place, thinking of Blitzø made you sad and Stolas was not an option. You had Ozzie, though. And you know you always will, despite whatever stupid shit one of you might do. 

And it honestly beats going home to a big pile of nothing. 

Ozzie appears shortly, Fizz having done as promised and fetched him. Fizz doesn’t come back, though, letting you and Ozzie have a moment to talk on your own, which is nice of him.  

“Hey, pretty babe. Fizz said you were here.” He looks you up and down, worried. “Are you crying?”

“Why did you do that?” 

“What?”

“Why did you fucking sing about all that, why did you- it was so humiliating, Oz, fuck!”

“Oh. I am so sorry. I didn’t know. I didn’t know. It got out of control. I didn’t even know you would be here tonight. You didn’t call me.”

“I didn’t know I was coming either.”

“You wanna tell me what that means?”

“It’s stupid.”

“Alright. That’s okay. I am sorry, though. We took the joke too far and I realized too late that it wasn’t funny.”

“Yeah. It wasn’t. So please don’t fucking do that again. It’s humiliating enough to… fuck... and everybody saw it, and- I…” You groan in frustration, struggling to get your words out. 

“No more about Stolas or any of you. Okay? Promise.” He sits down next to you on the fancy couch and he lets you lean on him. “Did something happen between you?”

You hesitate before speaking. “I didn’t- I don’t know what I was thinking. Maybe I am stupid. Of course he’s ashamed to be seen with us.”

“Stolas?”

You nod. 

“Did he… tell you that?”

“Well he didn’t deny it.”

“Okay." He takes a deep breath, probably trying to think of how to handle the situation. "You’ll have time to think about all of this. Alright? Now you’re coming with me, you’re taking a bath and you’re sleeping over, and we’ll talk about everything tomorrow. There’s no need to hurt yourself more thinking about it right now.”

He stands up and turns to leave the room, but looks back when he doesn’t hear you do the same. You’re still sat sit still on the couch.

You look up at him. “Oz?”

“Hm?”

“Do you think I’m stupid?”

“What?”

“Do you think I’m stupid?” You repeat yourself.

“What- of course not. Did somebody say that to you?”

You don’t reply. 

He purses his lips together, thinking. “Are they worth feeling stupid for?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve gone through this before.”

“It’s different, you know that.”

“Yeah, it’s worse. They’re not hurting you back this time around, they’re just hurting you.”

You decide he was right. You don't want to talk about this right now. “Can we please not talk about it?”

He hesitates before nodding in agreement. “Yeah. ‘Course, babe.” He grabs your hands and pulls you up. “Come on.”

All the crying makes you so tired you’re almost passed out the second you lie down on the soft, silky bedsheets of Ozzie's guest room bed. Taking a look through your texts before you let yourself fall asleep, you click on Stolas’ contact once you see a notification for an unread text. 

Stolas: I am truly sorry if I did something to hurt you or make you uncomfortable with me tonight. It’s not your obligation to talk Asmodeus  out of doing anything and I did not feel embarrassed because of you or Blitz. If you need space from me I will understand, but I want you to know that is not how I feel. And, for the record, I don’t care what that Verosika person said about you. I hope you’re alright. 

It is way too late and you are way too tired to process or deal with all of that, and honestly? You still do feel stupid, and don’t want to further that feeling by replying to him immediately. That feels too pathetic- it feels like proving Blitzø right.

You’ll reply tomorrow.

You click on Blitzø’s contact next, which also had a notification signaling an unseen message, and you brace yourself for a 'fuck you’ text or something of the sorts. 

You can't keep yourself from smiling when you open the text, turning the phone off and just waiting for sleep come to you, and things feel a lot less shitty than just a second before.

Having friends is pretty fucking okay.

A/N: everybody say thank you Adonis for the cutest doodle ever and also wish them a happy birthday!! the adorable little doodle blitzo drew is theirs and they did it especially so i could put it in this chapter which is so nice of them and so fucking cool!!

[axoluxy]

hellloooooo!!!

hope youre doing well:) can i request a jd x fem reader with body dysmorphia or anorexia? mine is getting rly bad but if you are triggered by this dont worry about it!!

tysm and love ya;)

hello yes, it's not triggering for me at all! i was actually thinking about this like a month or two ago! i hope you get better, if you need to talk my inbox is open!

"I Just Want to Help." "What If I Don't Want Help?" (J.D. x G.N!Reader)

summary; j.d. notices everything, especially when it comes to you. imagine his surprise when he catches on to your eating disorder warnings; eating disorder, body dysmorphia, swearing, talk of mental help and illness, not wanting to be better word count; 1.6k

2nd person

You had expressed to J.D. how you wanted to lose some weight and he encouraged you, but he also made sure you were comfortable. He wanted you to know you were perfect no matter what, because you were. He would tell you, “If you want to lose a few pounds that’s fine, you’re beautiful no matter what.” and he would kiss you, he would hold you close.

Now, J.D. is a very observant guy, especially when it comes to you. He was obsessed with you. So when you were skipping meals, he noticed pretty quickly. Of course he did.

He also saw the way you looked at yourself whenever faced with a mirror, or seeing a photo of the two of you, or anything that had to do with looking at yourself. He noticed how you’d cross your arms to cover your stomach, how you would close your thumb and pinky around your wrist, and lift your thighs slightly off whatever you were sitting on. He noticed you started exercising excessively and all the colour had drained from your skin. He noticed how you seemed to have forgotten important things, how you always looked lightheaded, how you were pulling out clumps of your own hair. He noticed how you would never let him touch you anymore, like the thought of his touch disgusted you. You acted like you were allergic to food, you’d drink at least 10 glasses of water a day.

Everything small or large, he noticed!

There was one mirror in your room and it had been flipped around to face the wall. When he asked you about it, you said you didn’t notice and he left it at that even though he knew you were lying.

J.D. was concerned. You, his partner, the person he loved the most, was practically killing themselves over something so small?

At least that’s how it was in his eyes. It wasn’t small to you, no not at all. It took over your whole life. You wanted to look like the girls in the magazines, or the popular girls at your school. You envied them, you hated them, you were angry that they got to eat whatever they want and they would stay under 105 pounds.

It all felt so unfair, what made you so different? Why did you have to deal with the humiliation of wanting to buy a bag of candy and feel like others were watching you in contempt and disgust?

You wanted to tell your boyfriend, you loved him and you wanted him to help but you were so ashamed. You didn’t want anyone to notice, you didn’t want to be a bother. Yet at the same time, you had prayed that J.D. would find out and help you get better.

You hated how exhausted this made you, you felt your thoughts contradict themselves all the time. You wanted to be healthy, to be better, but at the same time, you didn’t feel sick enough. You wanted to be worse. It didn’t start out like this, you didn’t intend to stop eating all over, it started with skipping some dinners, then breakfasts, then using the excuse of not having enough money to pay for lunch. J.D. would offer you money, saying it wasn't too expensive but you declined every single time.

After some time, you were repulsed at the thought of food, looking at it made you nauseous. Yet, seeing other, thinner people, eating made you jealous.

He couldn’t just tell you to eat, no that wouldn’t work. So he did the next best thing, he guilted you into eating. The next time you came over to his place, he had made sure he made a bunch of things to eat. Sure, it was a little manipulative, but it was the best he could think of doing.

“I made food for us.” He told you, holding a pot of baked macaroni and cheese.

“Oh, I’m not really that hungry. Thank you though Honey.” You sighed, you had done so well, you were doing perfect actually, you didn’t need all this. You just wanted to finish your homework and sleep.

“Not hungry? You haven’t eaten all day.” He pointed out to you, making you nervous. Had he really noticed?

“Yeah well…” You were going to give an excuse but J.D. quickly cut you off.

“Do you not like my cooking? Is it that? Is it not good enough for you? You’d rather starve than eat anything made by me?” He pestered, trying to be as frustrating and guilt-inducing as possible.

“No, no of course not!” You try to reassure him, he didn’t need the reassurance though. This was going exactly how he wanted it to.

“Well it really seems like it right now, can you at least try it?” He slides you a plate and a fork.

You sighed, giving in. If it made J.D. happy, you’d do it.

So that continued for a few weeks. Every few days you’d go to J.D. 's house, he’d cook something for the two of you and if you declined, he’d guilt you into eating it. You were starting to get a little upset that he kept doing that, you eventually realised that he was guilting you into this, so you confronted him about it.

“J.D., why do you keep guilting me into eating the food you cook?” You confront him, after he does the same routine to you this evening. He sighed and put the dish of leftover stuffing and turkey from Thanksgiving on the table.

“Because you’re making me feel like you don’t like what I make for you.” He excused, putting on a subtle frown, but enough for you to notice.

“No, that’s not it. What’s the actual reason?” You cut through his bullshit and stare at him with your arms crossed and a sour expression.

“You don’t fucking eat, [Name]. If I’m not giving you food, you don’t eat. That isn’t healthy!”

“Yeah, well neither is having a slushy every other day!” You counter, how were you supposed to take advice from him of all people?

“You can’t starve yourself, you’ve collapsed with me like 3 times in the past month! God knows how many times you do when I’m not with you!” He says, exasperated.

You were silent, stunned even. You didn’t know what to say, and you didn’t want to affirm his reasoning. He was never like this though, he never outwardly expressed his concerns for you, even though you knew he still cared.

“I’m not even gonna try that ‘Do it for me.’ bullshit because I know it’s not going to do anything. If anything, do it for yourself! You’re sick. You’re destroying your metabolism. If anything, not eating is going to do the opposite of what you want!”

You stayed silent for a moment. You were both silent, until he started to speak again.

“I get you’re insecure, my love, but you’re not handling this the right way. You’re not being healthy.” He tries to reason with you, trying to understand that you’re probably also not in a good mental state at the moment.

“Since when did you care about being healthy? Last time I checked, you destroy everything around you, including yourself. So why do I have to take health advice from you?” You pushed an accusatory finger to his chest.

J.D. was getting a little frustrated with your excuses, he didn’t want you to stay like this. It was bad for the both of you and now it was causing you guys to fight.

“Because,” He let out a frustrated sigh, he held his face in his hands and ran them up through his hair. “I hate seeing you like this! You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen and you’re shrivelling up your body to meet these unrealistic standards! You might never have the body of a model, and guess what [Name]? That’s okay!”

“No, it’s not okay, it’s unfair!”

“What’s unfair is what you’re doing to yourself. You won’t even let me touch you, I want to worship you and you’re pushing me away…”

“Why?” You give up on the yelling match, you needed to give in because you knew J.D. He’d keep this going until you couldn’t talk.

He sighed and a small smirk found its way on his face. He was happy you were finally giving in.

“Because I love you, darling. You helped me, so I’m trying to help you. You’re the only one I can trust and I want you to trust me too.” His hand lightly grazes your left shoulder, he looks at you for the ‘Okay’ to touch you.

You nodded slowly and his small smirk turned into a wide smile. He instantly wrapped you in his arms, he kissed your temple and held you so your back was pressed against his chest. J.D. was relieved that you would finally let him touch you again, and even better, you were enjoying it.

“I do trust you.” You let your eyes close on you as you lean into J.D. He pressed a few kisses to your neck and you sighed as you felt his breath against it.

“What can I do to help you? You tell me.”

“I don’t know…” You admitted, you didn’t know what to do about this.

“How about we start with talking about this, okay?”

“Okay.”

[generalfandomsofthefreak]

AND FULL REF OF MY BOY NANASE, and an Okarun for scale

Edit: Realized that i did in fact, say a lot of things about Nanase and it became a long post, so all the info's under a Keep Reading now

Nanase transfers to Ken's class at the start of the 2nd year, and Ken promptly cuts off their online relationship once he sees Nanase is a guy (Nanase had tried to tell him, but wasn't direct enough and Ken thought he was asking about a recent hoax of someone's gender changing)

he stays friendly with Ken, but Ken is still emotionally stunted and keeps him at a distance, and Nanase is also an emotionally stunted teen (developing some real clinical depression from a sudden unwanted sex change), and doesn't try to engage much

And for sure nothing comes out of them both being socially awkward teens who are unable to properly convey emotions and feelings to each. What do you meeeeean? It's not like Nanase's closest friend for 3 years suddenly cutting off contact over something he literally couldn't control, and then going on to develop a much closer relationship with someone else in the span of mere days, right in front of Nanase, is gonna be any sort of trouble, come oooooooon

Nanase's depression also comes from being barred from participating in Gymnastics tournaments and being dropped from where he went to train, again to his gender change because he was of course training and participating as a girl, and because the general public doesn't think Aliens exist and doesn't believe his gender would just change, the public thought he was a guy trying to creep on girls, or trying to beat them with an unfair advantage

smaller points of info

- before Nanase changed gender, he was often away from school for tournaments, and so didn't have much time to engage with his former classmates, but he was popular enough still, though it can be argued whether that was for his actual self, or the fact his mom had money.

- He met Ken online when they were young, like 13-14 (Nanase is a year older), and began talking online a lot, and then didn't practice Internet safety and exchanged phone numbers. And then when dating, selfies, though they never met up in person

- because Ken was a friend he met online, they both never expected to meet in person, and so would just text, which made Ken a great for Nanase whenever he was travelling out of town, since they could still chat.

- Nanase changed schools to avoid bullying from the gender change

- Nanase's dad is an alien, and Nanase despises him for leaving his mom when he was young, without any notice or anything, and once the Sex change happens, even more so for not staying to help him through it

- Gender isn't the only weird thing about Nanase, he is able to suck in air and release it from multiple point in his body, though most powerfully from his mouth via his tongue

- His alien heritage also gave him real strong lungs. When he fires off the compressed from his mouth, water condenses in his lungs and if he does it too much he can risk drowning, though he usually ends up coughing it all out (this is not pleasant and he quite hates it, but sometimes it can't be helped)

- Nanase doesn't identify as trans because he didn't "transtition" normally. He had gender dysphoria until he realized he could still just wear dresses (he may have been an egg the world may never know)

[mingos]

*crawls out of the ground like a mole, coughing up copious amounts of dirt*

so, hello.

    i try to keep things as vague & light as possible when referencing my homelife because, honestly, the last time i brought up anything tangentially related i was essentially told “you being upset is making other people upset and ruining the fun” so being anything other than ✨chaotic positivity gremlin wilder ✨ here makes me paranoid, hence why i’ll just disappear for weeks sometimes. 

but. 

i’ve clearly been gone for a bit, will probably be gone for a bit longer, and since i’ve been getting messages from folks wanting to check in on me i wanna give a more detailed update than usual. i feel guilty for not responding directly, but for reasons i can’t get detailed on other than “the idea of having a conversation with 99.9% of people right now is terrifying” (is this what being nonverbal is, chat?) with even the .1% being a super recent development, a queue post into the void is my solution.

i won’t get that detailed, but if light references to domestic abuse, addiction, or just family issues in general are hard subjects for you - nothing past this paragraph is too pertinent anyway, so don’t worry about having to stop. all you gotta know is that some Bad Stuff with family happened, but i’m safe & i’ll be back in maybe another week or something. 

anyways. i was living out of hotels for about 3 weeks. 

more like 16-17 days if you want to get technical because 4 of those days i had an actual scheduled hotel for my twin’s wedding at the end of august - but i’ve basically been bouncing around since august 21st. the night of the 20th, i had a horrific fight with my family member and, for the first time ever, i left. don’t know if would call it brave on my part - since we were leaving for a trip anyway, this is just the first time my suitcase was already packed.

right now, i’ve been at another relative’s house since the 11th. i tried to go back on the 1st because, even after years of this, i’m apparently way too easy to convince everything is going to be fine…  but by the 2nd i was out of there again. 

currently mulling over my next move here because, as much as the common sense answer is to stay away, anybody who’s unfortunate enough to deal with this knows how complicated it is. i’m scared for this person’s safety as much as i am for my own. no one else really checks on them, and i’ve already had to deal with several medical emergencies they’ve had like bad falls & breathing problems. i don’t like leaving them alone for long because the guilt at the thought of something bad happening to them and no one knowing for possibly days or weeks eats me up.

i logically know i’ll have to get past that eventually because i can’t let my life be dictated by this incredibly toxic cycle forever or i’ll never be happy, but now isn’t the time. they also have a dog who would similarly be put at risk if something happened to them, so it’s a lot for me to worry about.

but, having said all that, we’re currently in the apology stage or i guess the negotiation stage because, after the shit that happened this time, i’m making it perfectly clear i’m not stepping foot in that house until they do something. detox, treatment, rehab, disulfiram, soberlink, therapy – something. we’re kind of running out of things for them to try at this point, but at least they used to try. they haven’t really been doing that this past year and I’m the one suffering the most because of it.

so yeah, that’s where things are at the moment. i’m mentally not doing so hot - but I’ve got my dog, and being able to sleep in a bed i’m familiar with for a change and not a hotel (I spent so much money on hotels, guys i’m cooked) is nice relief while I wait out whatever the hell is happening. talking to them over the phone again pretty much drains any of the energy I’ve got back, but it sounds like they’re starting to "get it' so hopefully they’ll start to take this seriously again because I can really only take one more year of this (if even) until I just need to accept these things aren’t my responsibility and move on.

honestly, having a close-knit group of friends/support system for the first time in years has really reminded me of that and given me the confidence to take a lot of steps to live for myself for a change, and to think about prioritizing my own happiness for once, which wasn’t the place i was in at this time last year, or the year before that, or the year before that - so I just want to say thank you again to anyone whose ever helped talk me through something or really just been nice to me at all. this is why i always remember to be kind because it can genuinely do a lot for someone going through something, because i know it has for me.

anyway uhhhhh i hope you are all doing well, and with any luck i’ll be chilling on here by the start of october. can’t miss spooky month and this insufferable pink bird’s birthday, after all.

much love.

[13thdoctorposts]

has anyone else noticed how reactions and consensus on 13 has been RETROACTIVELY negative? I know there's been an intensely misogynistic hate campaign since Jodie was announced but I also noticed that when you look at old posts from when s11 especially was freshly aired, there was a lot more good faith engagement with the show and genuine excitement in fandom. It seems like covid gave the bad faith actors the opportunity to take over fandom and force their narratives on everyone.

Yeah a really great example of this is if you look back to tweets from the night Rosa aired the praise was very very high, now if you bring it up in the fandom you would think it was terrible and racist.

On YouTube I was told the writers, both of them Chibs and Malorie Blackman were incompetent because they doesn’t show how bad the racism really was, yet the episode starts with one of our companions being physically assaulted and told to be careful so not to end up like Emmett Till, some one who had just been murdered acting as if the show was sugar coating what life was like back then. Oh and of course with the Chibs slander that he’s racist because he may have hired a woman of colour to write the script, but she is English not American and he should have made sure it was an American or not done the episode at all

Malorie Blackman is an award winning author claiming she’s an incompetent writer is pretty incredible accusation.

Here’s some of the tweets from articles praising the episode.

I think 2 things hurt 13 era who and they weren’t Chibs and Jodie. It was the unhinged toxicity the fandom constantly spewed and then even after things got praised as you said people would go back and nitpick to a level they never ever do with any other era and 2nd not having a big enough marketing budget and brand manger series 12 and 13 suffered most from this because the BBC did put the marketing money into series 11 even if they didn’t have a brand manager, and Chibs mentions this in the Radio Free Skaro podcast from last year that the BBC put a huge marking budget into series 11 but series 12 and 13 basically the budget was… you can only advertise on the BBC because there’s no money for anything else.

Rosa is just one example but there was a lot of praise for the work at the time of release and it’s quite possible general public viewers may have just stoped engaging on social after series 11 because they would then be piled on, and people in the online fandom knew they couldn’t go to social saying they loved an episode so they started picking it apart before putting their thoughts out there so they could be on trend with the haters who were gonna pile on if they didn’t fall in line.

Seriously if there’s ever a down fall to doctor who the ‘fans’ will be it because they would rather hate on the thing they supposedly love than love it. And ever era has its super questionable moments but if you bring them up for any other era you just being petty, or it isn’t that big of a deal, or ‘it’s of the time’ it’s just excuse after excuse.

I’ve seen people upset about the fact that RTD dead named Rose in the star beast, something very legitimate because now all the right wing idiots of the fandom use that name and the people who were upset get piled on if they say anything because they should be happy that RTD is trying to give them representation… but these same people when Chibs tried to give rep though a female doctor, or an episode like Rosa or Ryans disability, say Chibs is a right wing capitalist, sexist, racist, ablest, you don’t hear them saying hey he was really trying by getting people of colour to write their stories, by getting directors with the same heritage to direct episodes, he work with a dyspraxia organisation to help write Ryan, brought in the first 2 female Doctors and the 1st Doctor of colour who was also a woman, the 1st master of colour, the first Doctor who admitted to having feeling for a companion of the same sex and the episode where the doctor admits those feeling is co written with a queer woman, oh no Chibs gets no grace for tryi neg he did everything wrong but RTD everyone should be thankful for.

I don’t understand the level of hate. Not liking something is one thing but a part of this fandom has made 13 era who seem like the anti christ of Doctor Who, when really it tried a lot harder to involve more people in it then ever before.

[literallyjusttoa]

Ok I have just been scrolling on your blog for like ages now and I just wanna say that I find your greek mythology rants literally so interesting bc a) they are so informative and when reading them it's obvious your dedicated abt it and b) I just love the way you write??? There's so much passion and it makes reading all your posts so interesting. I just love the info dumps especially bc I really want to know more abt greek mythology but I just don't have the time + have no idea where to start finding this information.

Plus I just really really love your art. It's so adorable?? I love your style and the way you draw your characters I just want to bundle them all up and never let go like I am literally etching every last bit into my brain.

Anyways I hope this doesn't seem like weird ☀️

These are like the kindest compliments, thank you!!!!

I'm so glad my passion for mythology comes through in my writing bc I do care so much about greek mythology and like mythology in general, if I thought I could make it in academia I would totally get a job in mythology research it is one of my favorite things. AND! I have a couple of resources I would totally recommend for a good place to start researching!

Theoi.com: oml this is such a phenomenally good resource for greek mythology. It has a whole bunch of different information and all of it is linked back to it's original source from antiquity. I will say that the writing on the website can be a bit dense, but it's not horrible and I could not recommend this site enough as a source for information.

If you have the money to buy a book I would recommend getting a copy of the Apollodorus' Library. This is a collection of mythography (It's like a mythological dictionary) that is thought to have been written around 2nd century BC. So, two plusses. 1. It's a primary source. 2. It has a lot of myths in a small package. Obviously, the original book is in ancient greek, which I sadly have not learned to read, but there are a lot of really good translations in english that are readily available. The one I have was translated by R. Scott Smith and Stephan M. Trzaskoma, and it's really cool because it also has the translated Hyginus' Fabulae, which is also mythography but this time it's roman. So like, two in one go! Woop woop!

After these two resources, I would recommend going trying to find resources that go more in depth on whatever myth catches your eye. Of course, that could be anything, so I can't really offer up a certain book or website for that, but I can give a couple of tips I use when looking into potential sources of information!

Primary resources!!! Always look for primary resources!! These are the sources that are actually from ancient greece, and have little to no additions from an author. I know these sources are usually more dense and harder to get through, but I think it's good to have an understanding of the original myth before you start looking at other people's interpretations of that myth, just so you don't get their thoughts confused with the actual original text. If you're having trouble figuring out if a book or site is a good primary research, search it up and look for reviews! Usually there's at least a couple people talking about how good the source is academic-wise.

I would always encourage researching ancient greek and roman history alongside researching mythology. These myths did not exist in a vacuum, and a lot of the time certain myths and stories are the direct result of the culture and politics of the era. I think the connections between greek mythology and history give you a greater understanding of both topics, and is always a good step!

(Also just my bias showing, but greek art history!!! is so good!!! and tells you so much about the culture!!! and then roman art history is also great!!! Because you get to see how the artists of rome used the cultural and artistic values of greece to create meaning and influence the people!! Like, Octavian purposefully had himself sculpted in a hellenistic style so that people would be less worried about him ruling from such a young age?? That's so interesting!!! I love art history!!!!)

I will say a lot of this does take a lot of time (I only really have time to research now bc it's summer so i'm not in college ;-;) but I really think it's such an interesting field, as you can probably tell by how long this was.

[bigskydreaming]

Bit of a vent post, bit of a housekeeping post, bit of a 'so that's what's been happening in Kalen-land' post:

So I have officially done everything that can be done to prepare for our relocation to a different site while they do construction on this one for the next year, which should be....any day now. Since it was originally supposed to happen on October 2nd, lol. Oh, bureaucracy.

If I wrote a memoir of the last two years specifically, 'Oh, Bureaucracy' would be the title, actually. So obviously its no secret that Moukie & I have been struggling for a long time, even after my surgery back in December 2021. But pretty much all of that has to do with our struggles to hack through bureaucracy to secure some actual stability and longterm living situation, since....oh, January 2022. We've finally secured a five year lease to stay in this place (with the exception of the next year, at a different site during construction, as I mentioned), but like....we only JUST got that agreement officially in writing, signed & notarized & all that...last week.

After being told it was basically a done deal but they couldn't finalize anything or put anything in writing until the building sold and the property changed hands and one city service took over oversight of this particular property from another one....pretty much every month since November of last year. They changed dates and timelines on us so many times it was like every three week we'd have a completely new timeline we were looking at for when we could expect to have everything finalized or for the relocation to happen, etc. Most recently, we were told with complete certainty that everyone HAD to be out October 2nd, that construction would be starting immediately after that, nobody would be allowed to stay in the building.

October 31st, and we're still here, lol.

So that's been a fun non-stop rollercoaster ride of stress, lol. The problem, of course, is that before my surgery (12/2021), I'd quite literally been homeless for at least the five years prior to that. Fortunately I never quite made it to the point of having to sleep outside, though there were plenty of times it got close, and spent most of that time living out of cheap motels & extended stay housing while working towards getting enough money together for my surgery, but as far as any landlord or potential renter is concerned, I was for all intents & purposes homeless during that time, and that's....not great when trying to secure housing in the middle of a pandemic right after basically starting your life over from scratch after the surgery to fix the problem that basically derailed your entire life, lol. Not to mention my credit score was practically nonexistent, all my credit cards were maxed out to pay for the surgery & insurance, my driver's license had been expired for years due to not being even able to drive while I had my issues w/my jaw & everything related to that, and getting it back was easier said than done because I'd had like, two unpaid parking tickets at the time of my medical issues beginning & they kinda completely dropped out of sight, out of mind, only to multiply w/fees that were fucking ridiculous to contemplate & going down to the DMV or traffic court to try and argue them down, while my medical issues were still ongoing, was a nonstarter due to how little travel I was capable of in that state....

LOL. Not a great starting point when rebooting for Kalen 2.0 - and of course I'm not going to get into why we had to use my ID & everything for renting & all that, instead of Moukie's, just trust that there were Reasons.

And of course there are programs to help people out with these kinds of circumstances, which is basically what we've been doing since January 2022....navigating that labyrinth of red tape, because actually ACCESSING those programs, proving eligibility, meeting all requirements, keeping consistent with all requirements throughout the months of waiting on a verdict from higher-ups your file's been passed up the chain to....MUCH easier said than done. The hoops are just. The stuff of legends. Especially when you're still having trouble consistently staying stocked on the meds you need to be productive & functional, or even just keeping your phone active. Oof. All of that was very Not Fun.

Which segues into a bit of that venting I was talking about, because over & over the past couple years we've had well-meaning (and not so well-meaning & largely just obnoxious) people asking us in response to our donation posts like, well why don't we just move to a cheaper city? LOL. I just. I wish people would stop to think that maybe if there's such an obvious solution that someone hasn't availed themselves to yet, there's probably a REASON for that.

We actually had several. For starters, there's the fact that I still have stuff related to my jaw to deal with....I still have no teeth, lol, and haven't really been able to even START getting the bone grafts I need to be able to get implants at some point, so I'm not stuck with dentures for the next fifty years....and it took me literal years to find dentists familiar with my situation, willing to work with me on payment plans & longterm strategizing, etc.....not that easy to just start over with all of that in another, smaller city. Not to mention if I do have any problems with my prosthetic, LA's one of the only places that has ANY surgeons that deal with this specific kind of jaw replacement surgery, so I'd always have to come back here for any further medical related stuff.

But then there's additionally the fact that all those programs meant to help people like us who are literally trying to restart their lives after medical issues, homelessness, etc.....they're pretty much all specific to their own city. They're all contingent on each individual city's resources, services, populations and a million other details.....so moving to a different city basically means having to start all over again with applying to THAT city's housing aid programs & navigating THAT city's bureaucracy from its beginning & forfeiting however much time or progress you've put in already in the city you're currently in. And frankly, most cities don't HAVE as good of aid programs as LA does....its just...it takes fucking forever to actually make full USE of such programs, as evident from the fact that after almost two years, we're only FINALLY to the point where one of those programs has been able to actionably help us secure longterm housing.

(And also there's the fact that when we don't even have enough money for groceries, how cheap do people thinking picking up and moving to another city actually IS? Like. You need starter money to even GET there & get on your feet or you wind up in an even worse situation than we were in).

But honestly, we didn't have it so bad, we have been able to stay housed & working various odd jobs for the past two years....its just been long, and stressful, never actually knowing when or even IF we'd get to the point where we stopped worrying about being kicked out at any given moment, and there were times that looking for housing or trying to deal with bureaucratic red tape was the equivalent of a full time job, in terms of hours required.

All of which is to say....be aware when assuming the worst of various donation posts & their posters, that except in the case of actual scammers, no matter what you may think of how a particular donation request was worded or described their situation, its almost always VASTLY more complicated than can be summed up in a couple of easy to read paragraphs that might actually get people to help. I promise you, if super obvious solutions seem evident to you, they've occurred to the people living with that situation 24/7, and there's a reason that they haven't tried that solution or maybe they even did & for whatever reason it didn't actually work out.

And that said, all of this is also to say just....thank you again for everyone who's helped us out over the years. I know it often seems unending or like we're never getting our acts together, lol, but trust me, it feels that way to us too, times a million, and like....we're working on it. Its just. Much easier said than done. For every hurdle cleared, there's usually another one waiting to pop up like a fucking whack-a-mole game from Hell. Since January 2022 we've been consistently working towards a longterm, stable housing situation and this is it, this is what we were working towards.....we've been fully approved for relocation to the other site for the next year & then returning to this one after construction/renovation, w/a lease agreement for the next five years.....and that's the dream, honestly.

Genuine stability, not having to worry about whether we'll have to move at any given moment, actual housing security....allowing us to FINALLY focus on building our lives back up, instead of constantly grinding just to keep a roof over our head & make sure nobody's about to kick us out....and having the room to breathe & for the first time in literal years (in my case, almost seven at this point) actually prioritize something OTHER than figuring out where we stand on paperwork, filing, tracking down various liaisons to bug them yet again about an accurate timeline for when we'd be notified of whether or not we'd been approved for this program or that one, when we'd actually be relocating, when we had to make x payment by to ensure we didn't lose our qualified status, etc.

And I, for one, definitely can not WAIT to give more of a shit about the absolute stupidest shit imaginable instead of like....warily checking the hall to see if new eviction notices popped up overnight. LMAO.

Anyway. Like I said, we finally have our agreement in writing, we know where we're relocating to, and as soon as that actually happens - which they keep insisting should be any day now, sigh - we'll finally be in a much better place. As part of the relocation program we landed in, our rent at the other site is covered during the year this site is under construction, so already just from that alone we'll be much better off financially.

Moukie's been sending around a donation post this month, and we'll probably keep it circulating up until the day the movers arrive and they finally pull the trigger on us leaving this site, because for the last three months they've been insisting that October 2nd was absolutely going to be our last day here, and we planned around that timetable....meaning that since October 2nd came and went with us still here, our only jobs at the moment are whatever freelance ones we can scrounge up, since the new place is far enough away a commute to & from a workplace around HERE wouldn't be viable, so I can't even go look for a new one to replace the last one until we're actually in the area we'll be spending next year in, lol. So in the meanwhile we've basically been surviving off donations since freelance work is painfully dry at the moment, and as it is, the company Moukie does editing work for still hasn't paid them for their last job yet, which was back in September, I believe? Its ridiculous, but it is what it is.

So yeah, we'll keep that post circulating a bit longer til we're out of here for good, basically just for food money until we're settled in the new place & can grab a new 9-5 and I would say something about that damn patreon I'm always claiming I'll make except I am a Proven Liar Not To Be Trusted On That Subject at this point, but hey, once we're in the new place, maybe that will finally change.

That's basically everything I set out to ramble about, I think, so....I'm done. Wait. Lemme check - yeah, no, that's it, I'm good. I've said it before but it'll never stop being true: we would not have survived if it weren't for the kindness of strangers & the help of mutuals & followers & we really are so much more appreciative of it than I can ever adequately express. I know that can come across as lip service, but genuinely, people here have done more for us and to help us and to see us succeed than our families ever did and we've been reduced to ugly-crying more than once as a result. Its gotten bad, guys. Like. When I go all out, it's not a pretty sight. I've got that pale Irish skin that gets all splotchy when I'm emotional, my nose gets all stopped up, I make scrunchy faces like a baby that KNOWS its not as pretty as its parents keep trying to pretend and is out to prove it....its a whole mess.

And on that note - and imagery - I'm officially done here. Thanks for reading!

[depressedhatakekakashi]

I was watching youtube shorts and in this one it had a random anime about a mad king, and a prince murdering him. And it dropped the coldest exchange ever. And I'd love if it was used during Rogue Gai's time, when the Mad King is finally defeated. (Will reveal in a secon XD!)

That King does not go down quietly. He's shivering in fear, anger and outrage. He is the king. Kakazu's chosen to rule. The gods gave him this title because he was born perfect! Extraordinary! Better than any other mortal soul that ever existed. He is Lord Katashi (the second!)!!!!

Imagine if it's Lee he's facing. He sees the dark eyes, the heavy brows just like his own. He learned this is Leona's child! His Mistress! The one who was "bearing his child" that was lost after birth almost 18 years ago. Now it was revealed that the boy was taken by the God of Storms as an infant, and raised by his most hated enemy. The Rogue Gai, whom he killed just 2 years ago. That means this boy must be his!!!! He yells one last time to make this man- see reason.

"Don't you know what that makes me?!"

"History."

And just like that, Lee cuts the Mad King down in cold blood, not listening to his pleas/ orders to see his "parentage." Lee had a father... and he lost him 2 years ago.

Now, the Mad King Katashi has finally been defeated. There were no siblings, cousins, aunts or uncles, as the king had them executed years ago. Seeing them as a threat to his reign and only wanting his own heirs to succeed him... but never having any. Now his tyranny and family line has come to an end, the madness is over once and for all.

After his death, the rain starts to fall on Tonika for the first time in two years. And Leona declares her son and his new order King. By right of conquest.

A new age has begun... An age of peace. And freedom for the people.

I like to imagine that is the last time Lee will ever have to weild his sword... and he never has to take a life again after avenging his true father. Maybe instead "Inigo Montoya" moment... OH maybe it can be both:

*epic swordfight where King Katashi (the 2nd) is trying to make Lee see reason. That Lee is fighting his "father!"*

Kig: *disarmed!* Don't you know what that makes me?!

Lee: History. *stab* Now offer me money.

King: Yes.

Lee: *stab again!* Power me to. Promise me that.

King: All that I have and more. Please. My son...

Lee: Offer me anything I ask for. *slight change in stance.*

King: Anything you want- *SNEAK ATTACK.*

Lee: *Block. Stabs the King's Heart. Makes sure to grab the man's head so they're eye to eye. He wants to see the light leave this "man's" eyes* I want my father back you son of a bitch.

And scene... what do you think?

I don’t think Lee is vengeful or hateful enough to do an Inigo, which is sad because it IS funny, but also not something gai would choose to teach

Even if he believes the king should suffer, he would always promote one quick hit. A kill on stick, no torture or playing around

He will not fall to the kinds statue and he does not want that for his son either

But also, Lee knowing exaftly what the king might try to say because Kakashi did visit him again after Fai’s death, and he made sure Lee knew that others could mistake him for being the kings son

Lee of course insists it doesn’t matter because Gai raised him, but Kakashi clarified that Gai is both his parental figure AND his biological son

Kakashi did not steal the kings son. He took Lee and gave him to his rightful father

And that’s something Lee will always thank him for because he shivers at the thought of being raised to be cruel and hateful like the king. To adore money instead of people.

[monkey-network]

Good Stuff: Nimona

or How to Not Worry & Channel Your Inner Limp Bizkit

In the year before 2020, it was announced that Blue Sky Studios was adapting ND Stevenson's hit graphic novel. Everything changed though when Disney was on that bullshit post-Fox buyout, where to our surprise Blue Sky and Nimona would be shut down. The latter's cancellation hit especially hard understanding it was almost finished anyways, but that's Disney for you. Long as you don't say gay and give 'em your money, they'll stay out of the way. Leave it to Netflix to let the film rebound from Super Hell and finally make it to both the big and small screen; makes you forget they're garbage at anything else. All in all, Blue Sky had the last laugh one more time but was Nimona able to bring the flavorful fireworks or did we get a weak flare that fumbled before the 4th of July?

Well, I will declare now that the film... is fun. If it wasn't fun, that means Disney made it and would remake it live-action around 2040. This film is a ride-or-die by its titular protagonist and lads, I can't lie...

PROTECT. THIS. GODDAMN. SMILE.

Nimona is both a bundle of chaotic joy and an entity that deserved far better. She's like the manifestation of Limp Bizkit, 2000s punk, and B-tier shitposting rolled into an unapologetic but deeply frustrated rebel. I've seen naysayers before release going, "She's another attitude girl archetype" and like no. She has that raw gremlin bastard energy, but she's never an annoying bitch and that's big difference. The best thing is that you're with Ballister in getting to know her; it surprisingly hard for folk to be accepting of somebody harmless who's more comfortable with themselves than anyone lets on. She's not a character I felt forced to sympathize with nor was intrusive on Ballister's story. She's not exactly the focus, but she earned being the star of this movie.

I got major Haruhi and Kyon vibes from their dynamic and it's great

Plotwise, there's a good flow to it all that makes this rewatchable thrill. If there's one major gripe I have is that while Nimona and Ballister have a great dynamic, there's a part in the 2nd act involving them and the villain that was a bit rushed. I will admit to not have read the book, but while I do know the tone is different given they were probably going for an all age rating, I say things didn't feel too compromised. My mind is blown enough that we got an animated kids movie with two, COUNT 'EM TWO, openly queer protagonists. No winks and nudges towards Ballister being gay, no scatterbrained subtlety on Nimona's genderfluid existence, and thank balls their story exists as more than being a preachy memoir. These two get to just BE and live to go on a crime spree justice adventure. That is what I've wanted for longer than any of you think and this delivered. Any criticisms I could have I felt was diluted by the actual fun this was.

And if you've seen Iron Giant, you probably will love this movie

To conclude, I am wondering of a timeline where this wasn't originally cancelled and Blue Sky didn't get axed. This was as much their movie as it is Annapurna and DNEG who helped finish it. People said it looked "unfinished" but then again, given the situation I can cut it some slack because it still plays out gorgeously. Like you know Blue Sky got most of it done, but you think about the changes in direction and ponder if this was the best outcome for the film. It is poetic though, a phoenix forced to burn out but gets to revive as a stronger, if not more so, being that people finally get to see. For Nate, this is undoubtedly a dream come true. As for me, not since Puss in Boots The Last Wish have I been delighted to call this a...

9/10 ABSOLUTE BANGER

[bigjimbopickens]

hi sorry to bother you i know this is like a dead issue now but i was a massive fan of kevin before the hogwarts legacy shit, i’m a trans guy and i stopped watching him because of it. i really miss his content though, his channel is pretty much all the games i like and my sense of humour, but i feel so conflicted about wanting to go back to his content. i was just curious what your thought process was around rejoining the cult? i know it’s kinda weird to ask now since it’s been like 6 months since it happened but i feel really weird about it.

also like. no pressure to answer i don’t know if this is crossing a line or anything sorry

It’s okay don’t worry :) enough time has passed, to me at least. Tbh this is the first I’ve heard about this in a while lol.

It’s okay to feel conflicted. I don’t speak for everyone here but everyone I talk to regularly has forgiven him but won’t forget that this happened.

I do believe he learned from this, he hasn’t done anything HP related since then, besides for a few ps1 Hagrid cameos (which is fine, ps1 Hagrid has been a channel meme for a while). I just hope this doesn’t age poorly.

What started getting me back was a bit after the apology post I noticed that other YouTubers were doubling down on their decisions or just not saying anything, including ones I used to respect. Even though I wished Kevin did more than just a Reddit post, I’m glad he didn’t stay silent and admitted he fucked up. His intention wasn’t malicious, unlike a lot of other creators, which is why I was more forgiving with him compared to others. Though I still lost a lot of respect which was regained over time.

Oddly enough what got me to really respect him again was his video on those American Superpastors and Megachurches. Having grown up in one (though in Canada, they exist here but aren’t as big) it was very healing. He couldn’t say it because he didn’t want to get sued, but he was very heavily implying that he believes it’s all a huge scam and they’re exploiting people. But he’s right, I’ve witnessed it myself. Never would’ve expected him to make a video like that and be so bold with it. I’m glad Europeans see what goes on here and think “what the fuck?!” Great video definitely recommend.

Other than that, mainly just enough time passed where I no longer feel that way. I missed the sense of community which is why I rejoined the fandom but it’s not my main one anymore. I mostly do my own thing these days. It was awesome going to Vancoufur as Werewolf Jim and meeting CMK fans there too, I could’ve sworn I was the only British Columbian in the entire fandom. Though I don’t fully trust the fandom still, mainly people I don’t recognize. But not anyone here, Tumblr isn’t really the site for those people.

Not much else has really changed in his content, just no more HP videos in general (as of July 22, 2023) and the fast-paced editing has mostly stopped. He now only uploads on Mondays, Thursdays and Saturdays now + any 2nd channel content, song covers or streams. The community has changed a lot though. The Reddit protests caused the subreddit to shut down so it’s gone, so there’s now no longer one big gathering spot besides Discord, which is the one side of the community I’m not in.

It’s really your choice if you wanna start watching again, anonymous user. Do whatever makes you happy :)

Since this is related, I haven’t heard a thing about HL since February. It really was just a mid game that was only popular because it was controversial. Transphobes really spent a lot of money on this, they’re the real losers. I know single player games get less players overtime but a lot of them still get talked about, replayed or are still relevant. Idk just my thoughts. If you really want a magic game with custom spells, play Oblivion’s Mages Guild questline or modded Skyrim.

Also sorry if I got back to this so late. I haven’t had a stable connection for a while until now. I’ve been away, escaping wildfires. Average Canadian summer activities.

[cabellrosa]

[ josé ramón barreto, he/him, cis man ] — was that CABELL ROSALES? the TWENTY NINE year old is a LORD, how exciting to see them this season! rumors have it they are SENSITIVE and ARTISTIC, but i’ve heard they are DIM and TOO TRUSTING as well — maybe that’s why they’ve been called the ROMANTIC. I have even heard that HE IS ONLY PRETENDING TO BE VIRTUOUS —only time will tell.

name: Cabell Rosales

age: 29

birthday: August 2nd

sign: leo

orientation: bisexual

family: Manuel Rosales (father), Anais Rosales (mother), a younger brother and sister

title: Lord Rosales

label: The Romantic

LORD ROSALES — romantic: a person with romantic beliefs or attitudes

Cabell and the Rosales family owned land back in Ecuador, though now their primary residence and most of their accounts are in England today. They could have sold the land back home, but it's mainly crops that help working class earn a living and contribute to the area's agriculture, and they would hate to see it in anyone else's hands, or worse, plowed away. Besides, it gives them an excuse to continue to travel back to Ecuador when they wish.

Back there, the Rosales family felt more at ease and comfortable to knock elbows with anyone in their city, and have always felt like everyone they met was family or friend. It was the country the family built their name in from the ground up, eventually gaining enough acclaim and money to make business even all the way in England thanks to the efforts of Cabell's grandparents.

His grandparents and parents alike implored the importance or respect and hard work, and Cabell grew up knowing how to tend to soil, mend carriages, and raise animals. It came naturally to him, anything that he could do with his hands, and honestly felt like a better use of his time when he struggled to keep up with lessons in the classroom. In England, he knew he couldn't exactly brandish those skills as easily as he could in Ecuador, but he could at least find time to garden or work with the horses.

He had always been a more sensitive soul, someone who always wished to see the best in people and in the world around him. He cared what made people tick, why they did the things they did, wanted to hear their stories and their dreams. He found that the people of England tended to keep their desires and agendas close to their chests, and he understood it had to do with how thin the pane of glass they all stood on in proper society was. Still, he wished they could let their hearts be known as freely as he tried to let his be.

Cabell was the kind of man that followed his heart in all affairs, with as much help from his brain as he could get. It meant that he did his best to live up to the man his parents needed him to be, but that he walked into the world ready to be met with the sun. He loved people, and felt that he always gave away a little bit of his heart to every pair of glittering eyes that made him smile.

Sometime in his mid-twenties, however, he gave away his whole heart. She was a breath of fresh air, something like he'd never seen before. He had always expected to meet the right person and spend time earning their love and their life, courting them and eventually wedding his perfect soulmate. He had wanted to court her right, but something about each other brought the two of them in fits of passion, unable to let each other go, unable to spend minutes apart. It was a beautiful and quick love affair, and before they knew it, they had been each other's first. But just like that, it was over, and suddenly she didn't want him anymore. He couldn't know if it was because of the night they'd shared or if something else had made her change her mind, but Cabell knew to swallow his heartbreak and let her make her choice, promising to keep the secret of her virtue, and watched her leave him with a bigger piece of his heart than most had ever shared.

It took him a while to recover, but he tried not to let it change his outlook on the world, and after healing most of his heart, he still feels such a joy for life.

His younger sister debuts into society this season, and so he's mainly preoccupied with making sure she has everything she needs and watching after her in her journey, or helping instruct his brother in the practices and business of their family and how to be a respectable young man, or being a good friend to the people of the ton. However, if you asked his parents, they might suggest wishes that their darling son would focus on himself and maybe even find a match of his own.

—

hello strud here again and as always i am head empty. as far as wcs the only specific things i can think of are the girl who got away and maybe any siblings down the line! other than that i'm up for most anything, all u need to know is cabell is a romantic little himbo <3

[leatherbookmark]

a tag reply to this poll in a post form, because i forgot tumblr eats tags :(

we don't know anything about either of the nie mothers... but honestly any of them living would probably make the situation better for the new sect leader!nmj. he would probably still die of the saber illness, but at least he would have had a mom, although i'm not sure if a nie mom still living would have changed anything re: nhs's revenge. would she encourage him? discourage? or would she one day ask sect leader jin for a talk because she's worried about a-sang and like... put poison in his tea? idk!

the inclusion of xy's mom is interesting, because this is like the first mention of her i've EVER seen in this fandom. i do obviously think he would lead a happier life if he wasn't a homeless orphan. and i do want him to be happy! but at the same time. i'm sorry to say it. but i do love crunchy little bastard a-yang. it's a bit like those aus where mme lan escapes with the lads in tow and cssr+wcz survive as well, and they somehow pick up ms with a-yao and they all raise their kids as wandering cultivators and everyone's happy. like YEAH but where's the crunch! the emotional issues! it's kinda boring when no one's insane(ly troubled) :0 s-sorry;;

cssr... are we only saving her or her and wcz? well, either way wwx doesn't end up at the lotus pier, and both he and the jiang siblings probably have less Troubled minds. maybe they're still friends because i guess yzy wouldn't mind THAT much if jfm's Very Much Married friends came for a visit. yknow as compared to... the actual situation

mme lan is actually interesting because we don't really know what would happen to her if she. well. didn't die (for whatever reason). like, iirc in mdzs qhj died after the wens attacked the cloud recesses, and i think he was still in seclusion during that time. this could mean that mme lan's situation would be similar. just... locked away and unable to leave even when her sons are of age. now it would be interesting if she used the wens' attack to run away on her own (if it was possible). maybe she and lxc could have ran away together and now THAT'S an idea for a fic!! i doubt she'd want to go back to the cloud recesses after the war so i think lxc could just... help her settle somewhere and visit her, with lwj or jgy, from time to time. idr if she was a wandering cultivator like cssr or if that's fanon, but she could do whatever she wanted! finally for the first time in Twenty Fucking Years !! GOOD FOR HER.

MENG SHI... i'm seeing some voices that meng shi surviving would make everything much much less murdery which... i'm not so sure! i don't think meng yao the meng yao could have earned enough money to buy his mother's meds AND pay off her debt to the brothel. in this case even if meng shi lives to find out the great cultivator jgs had her son (his son!) kicked down the stairs of the jlt, and changes her mind about him... jgy still desperately needs to free his mother and still make her proud. and the jin sect is the richest. it's entirely possible he still strives to be accepted only to commit Fraud and pocket 1/4th of a golden napkin fund to free his mother and buy her a safe and comfortable house somewhere. and then he'd still need the money to send her.

he probably would have chosen to kill jgs earlier and in a different way -- or maybe he wouldn't kill him at all if his mother was there to tell him that it doesn't matter and that it seems jgs never cared about them after all. maybe jgy would just resign himself to working himself to the bone for a father that gives less of a fuck about him than the nie captain/jin commander/etc! because he can’t really... quit, because in his case, after all he’s already done, with all he already knows about jgs and his ambitions, you can’t really walk away because you’re a potential danger! even as a son of a sex worker! not that a kicked out of the jinlintai for the 2nd time!jgy would be particularly revenge-focused, but. still.

also, if jgy decided to “quit” and still lived, somehow, either way his good opinion would be pretty much ruined. if jgs gets rid of his heroic bastard who won the war, there must be something REALLY wrong with him. i imagine it would be rather difficult to find a well-paying job in circumstances like these. on the other hand... lxc could offer both jgy and ms free living quarters in the cloud recesses, as thanks for saving his life and rebuilding his home. jgy wouldn’t be the ~lan-furen~ (sighing forever that the fandom is so set on using this term but ah well) but rather a regular disciple, or perhaps a guest disciple. i... think this would be better than nothing? and as a disciple, he could still technically rise thanks to his own merit and not because someone Up There feels this or that way about him. success!

of course, a perfect situation is jgy shanking jgs earlier and in a slightly different way, but even then i’m wondering because like... i’m not sure if everyone in jinlintai would be ok with jgy installing ~a prostitute~ in there as the current sect leader’s honourable mother. on the other hand, i don’t want jgy to be forced to send her off somewhere safe but remote! i want them to be together! on the other other hand there’s still the qin su situation. although maybe like... maybe meng shi could help there? i don’t know. wait, what was the question again

IN CONCLUSION i would save them all, just because i want them to live (duh) and everyone deserves a living mom who loves them. BUT the poll is merciless, so if i have to choose i’d like to pick an option that’s the most interesting to me, and that’s mama lan and meng shi. and meng shi wins, but not by a large margin! in my dreams there is a long, good fic where they both live :’)

[slimshvdy]

here we go, i’m just gonna hope i can make some internet friends.

so,

my name is tanner. i’m a bloke i’m single af and married 😎 i’m based in australia. (and no, homie we cannot tell what happens and who dies because we’re one day ahead of u americans.) i was born on april 2nd , 2008. (omg my birthday is in 11 days .) i’m OBSESSED with olivia rodrigo (if you couldn’t tell already) and jenna ortega. i’m mainly gonna post anything i feel like on here (yes i will do posts abt liv and jenna) anyway, i listen to heaps of music and most of its a combination of rap and pop music. i like to listen to olivia rodrigo, sofaygo, playboi carti, kerser, chillinit, huskii, jack harlow, freewyo, travis scott, don toliver, and heaps more!! i like a few movies. i used to be shyt scared of scary movies and now i can’t get enough of them. like, i watched scream 5 like august/october last year and i loved scary movies after that (and omg scream 6 was amazing) i recently watch scream 6 & scream 1. (the original.) and they’re all really good. i watched scream 6 with my aunty, nan & cousin. when it started i got like, heaps of adrenaline (please don’t think i’m crazy.) i play a few video games. i used to play a whole lot of fortnite. honestly died in me o really can’t get back into that game anymore. i play minecraft. and a lot of car games. i run a jenna page on instagram and soon gonna hopefully start a liv page ♡ my favourite songs rn are: jealousy jealousy by liv, got damn! by faygo, never seen me fall (ft. jean.) by kerser, mama by rudy mancuso, servo by huskii, and kids are growing up by the kid laroi (hopefully he drops wjh soon 😿) i’m currently studying street art, money counts, and forensic science in school. i don’t have many friends anymore, i mean. i talk to some of my old friends from primary school. (which is like 3) i also think thats the main reason i’m antisocial and always in my own world all the time. i’ve always had a small circle of friends. like if i could, i still wouldn’t want a heap of friends. i recently cut someone off (bc they weren’t the most honest and nicest person. they also believed rumours that weren’t true.) which makes my circle even smaller. one of my best friends would be my cousin for the most part. like they’re cool. and i can trust them lol. which it’s usually the opposite with most people. i was in my first relationship from Sunday, October 30th it ended on Saturday 28th if January this year. i won’t lie, i loved her i just personally think i’m better off by myself. that’s all i’ma say, let me know if you have any questions / concerns. :)

[curs3dn0va]

Trigger warning: medical issues, sappy relationship stuff.

Dear reader, I am so sorry for abandoning you for such a long time, but I'm also ADHD (I know, I got stuck with the unholy trinity Autism, ADHD, and BPD) so I kinda forgot and, even tho I do have more harrowing lore to drop, I kinda decided to save the worst for the vent notebook.

So the updates are: My mom was able to get me a ring that I gave Bitch back when we talked, and she gave it up and told my mom that I could pick up my stuff whenever.

The second update is that it turns out my boyfriend's friends knew about me from high school, from my ex and his gf C too. It's surprising to me that they didn't heed my bad name and forbade my bf from coming near me, but I'm glad they gave me a chance, those two are my favorite of my bf's friends (don't tell them, it'll go straight to their heads).

The third update is that I might have cancer. It's either that or a very rare thyroid descease, anyways something's eating my spine so I'm in pain daily and I am tired all the time, I'm writing this from my hospital room, I had a biopsy done so I'll update with a diagnoses, althought I am sure no one reads this but me lol.

Don't get me wrong: I am terrified about this diagnosis, I really don't want cancer. My lore is pretty extensive already, that's why I started this blog. It's kinda like an autobiographic project to test my storytelling. I had a professor (I dropped out of university for good lol, I guess that's update #4) who complimented what he called my "voice" and as you can read, I am carrying that chip on my shoulder for the rest of my life, even if I end up not writing a book ever. And believe me do I have enough tragedies it's comedic. Tragicomedia diría mi profesor. That's just my life.

In the only good news I bring: my boyfriend and I just celebrated our 2nd anniversary! ... well, money's tight and it was in November, so I proposed to celebrate both our anniversary and my birthday together in February (I'm an Aquarius, and I dare you, dear reader, to tell me something about Aquarians that isn't related to "living in a different world/reality"), that way we both would be able to get through Christmas this year. And I'm so glad I did. It did bummed me not to do anything the day of our anniversary, but -I guess in my 5th update now- I am more secure in my relationship with my boyfriend, I have accepted the fact that he loves me, and our communication has improved immensly because of this.

My man has always been receptive to my wants and needs, I never have to bring up things twice, he gets it and fixes it the first time around. With one exception: he's not very PDA, and after being the chill, non-chalant girlfriend before all my trauma, it was also a surprise to me that I am now VERY PDA. It also helps that this is the man that brought back that feeling of first love butterflies... okay, so he swept me off my feet by being a confident nerd that is constatly improving himself and learning new things (he's a Cancer if you're interested, and no idc that out signs are "compatible").

Or did I sweep him off his feet by being assertive, resilient, and very comfortable with taking the lead? I'll tell you a secret: my bf is actually really shy when it comes to romance, we took our time getting to know each other, so when we were watching a "scary" movie (it was really bad), I was giving him all the signs that I wanted him to hold my hand, the backs our hands were already touching, shoulders too, (I know, scandalous) so I was just waiting for him to do it, but when he said "wow, that was scary" sarcastically I just responded "I'll protect you" and just took his hand into mine, intertwined our fingers, and I liked it. But what happened next did it for me: he very softly said "okay". It was almost a whisper. I looked at him, and he was blushing, keeping his eyes on the TV. I swear I have no clue how I gathered the self-control not to jump his bones in that moment, but I let it linger. I ran my thumb softly on the back of his hand, and we finished the movie, and then he drove me home.

I was hooked. All I could think about his pretty face, I still remember and get that warm fuzzy feeling all over again. Our first kiss was a little different, I surprised him, so he was, well surprised. We were cuddling, and I sat up and kissed him. When his surprise wore off, he kissed me back. He was good. He's gotten even better. Sex was less surprising, I did let him know that I wanted to do it, so he was not surprised, but he was nervous, I could tell. He later told me that he never enjoyed sex much, he felt pressured to do everything and his stomach got upset because of it. Me initiating, and us taking turns and all that (this isn't smut, I'm telling you my love story rn) really helped him come out of his shell, and I loved to see it.

When we got in the car afterward (I had work the next day, so I couldn't stay over), he looked a bit sad. We were not formally together yet, and thinking back, he was probably not sad at all, and I was just overthinking his expression, anyways I surprised him again by asking him to be my boyfriend then and there, and he said yes. It did make him smile all the way back to my house, I was smiling too.

Two years later, we have been through a lot together. Talking to each other has been our safe space, and he has been with me throughout two hospitalizations now, so the "in sickness and in health" part of our relationship is good.

I'm gonna tell you the truth, dear reader: I started and deleted 3 different anecdotes about my boyfriend, our dynamic, etc. They are too long, so sometimes I'll post palette cleansers about him in my future posts. I want to clarify that even though I do depend on him a lot, I have not let it become codependence, I pay for therapy for a reason, dammnit. If he falls asleep before saying goodnight, it doesn't ruin my night because I don't perceive it as rejection, and it doesn't happen often (I could count the times in one hand over the past two years). I can also safely say that if my life took me somewhere else in the world and he doesn't want to uproot his life to go with me: that would be it. I need the validation of physical affection, I could never do long distance (although this scenario has come up in conversation, and he said he'd go with me, so there's that).

Anyway it's 3am at the hospital so I'm going to bed... or to my gurney? Whatever, I'm going to sleep now. Bye.

[lifeanddreamsandhopes]

first video script

Script for 1st year video of mext

My background: Hi, My name is Rina. I’m currently in japan right now, and I actually came japan in 2019 through mext scholarship specialized training program . So for Socialized training program. It's actually a 3-year program. That includes one year of Japanese language study and 2 years of a major of choice. So in this video I want to talk about my real experience here like the first year only and the other 2 years. Maybe I'll make another video about it. Some make scholarship actually pays for the airplane and everything like tuition fee and so they give you monthly allowance to pay for your food and rent. And normally we get to leave our country and maybe the end of March or the start of April. So that's when we get to Japan. So I actually left my country on April 1st, 2019 against Japan and April 2nd 2019. And for my category it's called specialized training. We actually have get to be assigned to schools in Japanese language school. It's either we're going to be in Tokyo or we in Osaka. In the year that I came here, I was the only one to be selected into Tokyo

April

My first day here. So I landed in Tokyo and I met a few teachers from my school and I remember at that time I didn't have any internet or I didn't buy any like Sims on my phone so I didn't have internet at all. I just saw them with a sign holding like saying that's my name so I just saw them and the moment I saw them they just handed me a ticket like a bus ticket and for me and Cambodia didn't use a lot of buses or public transportation. It was a little bit confusing for me. So I just got a ticket. I just hop on to the bus without knowing anything. Thinking that you know like never guide me into the dorm. You know the bus will take me directly into the dawn but no it did not and I actually were sent into Shinjuku station and back then I didn't know about Shinjuku station or anything at all. I was just like lost hair for like a whole hour until we finally got someone from the dorm to come bring us to the dorm. Let's just say it's better for those of you who are coming. It's better to contact people who you know. Who can you know guide you around the city or at least from the station to the dorm. Or maybe have your own internet and do not be like me. You know just come here without knowing anything.

So the next two days we just went to the city hall. It was tsuginami City Hall and we just went to register my residency. You know like making my residence card and also like during the first week we went to register the city hall and also making my own bank account.

And during that time the school hasn't started yet. I think I got here on April 2nd and the school actually started like 10 days after. So I actually have 10 days to prepare my life. You know like my new life in Japan and just I'm getting everything that I need for school or just you know getting near the daily necessity like all my soap and detergent and all like the pots and pans because the dorm didn't provide any of that. So yeah because of that I recommend you get like you bring some money with you like at least 200,000 yen you know just to get by here. Or if you do not have enough maybe you can just bring less and you can contact people for there and use stuff. Because later on some of the stuff that I don't use and my Junior like my cohide that came afterwards. I just give my stuff to them so it also helps them a lot on the financial side.

Adapting to culture differences

Making bank account and register residency

Japanese test at school

And during the first week we also had to go to our school just to do like a Japanese placement test. You know to see how you know like what's our level and stuff. So actually if I'm not sure how many level they are but I got place in the lowest level like the beginner level because I only had like 6 months of Japanese education before coming to Japan and it was like once a week. So I only know some hiragana in katakana so you know like it also helps if you know a lot of Japanese before coming so you'll end up in you know like higher level classes.

May

And afterwards you know for the next 2 months I think nothing much really happened. We just you know like wake up around 7:00 or 8:00 and just preparing ourselves to school and you know like studying until 3:00 3:00 p.m. until the class ends and then we just go home. And during that time I also you know like trying to get my stem. You know like I want to do like a part-time job to earn some extra money so I can go out actually go out and I had to you know request for a stamp from the bureaucracy center or I don't know what that's called, it's called in Japanese. So the year that I came in the end of May they actually took us to a trip to Nagano. So we had like camping with our classmates for like two nights. It was really amazing. You know the school paid for everything and I don't know I get the full experience before pandemic. It was really nice. I'm not sure if I still have any photos of it but like the school actually owned a resort like in the mountain in Nagano area and they told us there and it was really fun and it was one of the highlights I have in language school.

June so June was also the same. There was nothing much going on there was you know a lot of schools but also like one highlight was the they gave us tickets to go to the school provided us tickets like each of us all of us to go to Disneyland so they chose the day and we just you know didn't have school and they paid for. You know all tickets but just have to pay transportation by myself and got to go to disneylands that I had so much fun with my classmates and my doormates. It was also one of the highlights that I have

July and then July starts. That was when we started. You know preparing for the Japanese language proficiency test. It's called jlpt and starting from July. We just you know like study like a bunch of textbooks about jlpt. So my level I was the lowest level we were studying like M3 going into n2 but because I think because of my score I got to level up a little bit and I got to move on to a higher level class and I was actually studying n2 and also during that time we have to apply for the test for the jlpt and we can choose what level we want to take like and then we have the freedom to choose and I chose them and two and and some of my classmates shows and one some of them chose M3. So it really depends on the level that you were in the moment. But I feel like I want to challenge myself a little bit so I chose n2

August and August came so the rule was during the first first three months. Here in Japan we cannot do any part-time job and after that we can just do any part-time jobs we want. But they will rule for students that we can only work 28 hours a week. So yeah that's just that. A few rules that we have to follow but the main one was that and I just applied for a job at a restaurant in kingsa. It was recommended by a friend. So for those of you are coming and you want a job and you don't know much Japanese so I recommend you. You know asking your friends whether you can work at their places so it's a better like you get the job faster.

And during this time it's also our summer vacation. It's called naziestemi. I don't remember how long we got if it's I'm not sure if it's 2 weeks or 3 weeks. If I remember correctly might have been 2 weeks so we had 2 weeks off. So those who want to you know visit their own country. They can do it during that moment. But you know I didn't have enough money so I just stayed in Japan for the whole 2 weeks. And you know it's been 5 years since I got here now and haven't really been back at all. It's really fine so it's really you know like depends on you how much you want to visit your country Anna. It's your choice. I was just doing my part-time job like 7-8 hours the day during that time. Just trying to get money so I can have money to go out and visit Japan.

So drink natsu yasini like summer break some of our next school. So after we graduate from the Japanese language school we actually have to go to you know like the next school like the vocational school. So during that time some schools they have their you know open campus which we can just go check which you know like they have showcase of which department you know like other students work and stuff and we can talk with the teacher. So that's the time that we can go check that out. And also some of the teacher theirs you know are really nice are really understanding so we can just go there and just ask them what is it like studying there? How is it for foreign students and stuff? Because they're not many foreign students in those vocational school like in the school that I went to there was not many so that was the time. You can just go check and see and we can see whether the school really matches what we want to study. And I had a few of my friends that you know got selected into the school. They were not what they want to study fine. So they actually had a chance to recheck the essay that they submitted to the next comedy and ask them to change the school or the department in the school. You know what I mean. So yeah that was the time you know just the time. You can just confirm if if that's what you want to study or not. So yeah.

September and at the start of September I think before school start I went to climb on Fuji with a bunch of my friends like three not a bunch just three of my friends and it was a really nice experience. I got to go to the top and the top of the mountain and it was just like one of one of a lifetime experience. I think I don't want to do it again because I nearly died. So yeah, after climbing the mountain and I also applied for homestay program during the Nazi yesterday during the summer break I went to do a homestay and on the west side of Japan it's called ishikawa prefecture. I went to stay there with two host family. They really greeted me well. You know they showed me around the city and also like you know I get to integrate it myself more in the Japanese culture so it was a really fun summer break for me. After all of that it was just more of school.

October

November and in October and November and December there were not much happening but it was just a lot of preparation for jlpt and you know like jlpt is actually on December. So we went to take the test and unfortunately I did not pass the n2. I had to try again the next year

December

January then starting from January I think that's when the time that we start to. You know looking for you know. Decide whether we want to stay at the next school storm or we just going to rent our own place because in by the end of March we have to move out of the dorm so we have to decide with everyone to stay in the new school storm or we're just going to run our own place. You know some schools just have dormed first but some's done so you have to really confirm with the the next school that you're going to study in and also the process of moving in and out of Japan like moving from one place to another. If you decided to live by yourself, it might get very expensive. Like for example, if your next place rent is going to be 50,000 yen the first moving in fee will be at least 200,000 yen or 250,000 yen. So you need to get yourself prepared for that. I don't know. Like since you get to Japan, I think it's better if you start saving like money like kind of at least 300,000 or 400,000 yen so you can actually move. You know to a place that you want to live or even just move to Durham in myself. Get like expensive so I recommend you save like a lot of money for that.

February and their places in here in Japan that do not accept foreigners and there's like really like small amount of places that except foreigners to move in. So I recommend you use like agency that are specialized to find places for foreigners. So it's easier for you. And also you know the agency themselves because it's really hard to find those places. You know because most Japanese here have bad experience before I know moving into their places so the kind they kind of stop renting it out to foreigners. So yeah you also have to keep that in mind too. And we finally get to move out at the end of March you know and it's going to be like on all over process again so you have to.

March