#them for the 2nd time because i never had enough money for anything... now i don't know when/if live music will ever be accessible to

[whatevers-inconvenient]

btw peter doherty i love you so much

[itsmarsss]

Scandalous (Blitzø x Fem!Succubus!Reader x Stolas) [Helluva Boss] pt. 8 - Catharsis

How the mighty do fall. (Getting into a weird three-way situation with an imp and a succubus isn't exactly considered classy, Stolas)

Do you ever think about anyone’s feelings other than your own? 

pt. 1 | pt. 2 | pt. 3 | pt. 4 | pt. 5 | 1st bonus | pt. 6 | pt. 7 | pt. 8 | pt. 9 | 2nd bonus

Word count: 4,900

Warnings: self-deprecating thoughts, thoughts of death, heavy drinking, use of alcohol and sexual behavior as coping mechanisms. you know it's what you can expect from a blitzo-centered chapter. this happens right after the ozzie's chapter.

Blitzø is going to die alone. 

He’s going to die alone and no one will attend his funeral or even visit his grave other than to spit on it and his gravestone will read ‘Here Lies Blitzo Buckzo’ and nothing more because no one will be there to tell them to cross out the O and he most certainly won’t be a beloved anything. He'll just stay Blitzo Buckzo, forever.

And Blitzo Buckzo fucking sucks. 

Sometimes he wishes he was able to think before he spoke. He never does much of that and he’s aware he’d probably have refrained from hurting half the people he’s hurt if he could just keep his damn mouth shut. He didn’t think about this all that much… except for when he did. 

Do you ever think about anyone’s feelings other than your own? 

Her voice rings in his head non-stop, like one of those annoying fucking church bells he’d come across once in the living world that ring every single hour, making it unable for its existence to be forgotten.

Do you ever think about anyone’s feelings other than your own? 

It rings over and over again, stubborn, and it just won’t fucking go away.

Do you ever think about anyone’s feelings other than your own? 

Blitzø drives home on his own, but not in silence. He turns the radio on and the volume up until he figures it must be loud enough that he’ll have trouble hearing his own thoughts. It doesn’t work. The shit thing about thoughts is that they’re not something you can just turn off when you get sick of them. They follow you everywhere, all the time, inconvenient and impossible to get rid of. He proceeds to ignore the songs that come on in favor of mumbling incoherent things under his breath in a desperate attempt to reassure himself that he’s not bothered by everything that just happened.  Things like I can think about people’s fuckin’ feelings and think you’re so much better than me, well fuck you and rich fuckin’ asshole thinks he’s hot shit and probably suckin’ face right now. 

You know, things that prove he doesn’t care one bit. 

Whatever.

He parks the van without a care, still too busy mumbling to himself, leaving it askew, taking up almost half of the parking spot next to his own. The old lady from 22 is gonna be pissed at the inconvenience. Well fuck her too. He doesn’t spare another thought on that. 

He dreads the walk up the stairs to the apartment, wishing he lived somewhere with an elevator, or in a house, or in a super sick fancy mansion where he used money as toilet paper when he took a shit because he was just that rich. Actually, scratch that, that sounds uncomfortable. At least his shitty apartment with limited hot water and four flights of stairs before it had real toilet paper, and it was the nice kind even, he always made sure of it even if it was a little more expensive. 

His little luxuries start to sound stupid when he’s been spending so much time around Stolas and all his fancy stuff.

When he opens the door and enters the apartment, his first immediate thought is to knock on Loona’s door. He groans once as he walks towards it and then once again when he spots the note she left taped to it. ‘Tex invited me to a party. Don’t wait up.’ Yeah of course he fucking did.

Do you ever think about anyone’s feelings other than your own? 

Does he? 

He does. He thinks he does, at least. Maybe not all the time, but why else would he have said those things to her other than to protect her feelings? It’s not his fault if she was setting herself up for heartbreak. She needed to kill those feelings and if she wouldn’t then he would, fuck being the bad guy. In fact, fuck her too! He could so think about other people’s feelings.

He groans a third time at the thought of spending the night all alone, because he already knows what being alone makes out of him, and he doesn't like it one bit. If he could, he’d never be alone, not even for a single second, ever. Maybe that way he wouldn’t be so pathetic and so sad, because that’s what being alone made of him: pathetic and sad. 

It’s why Blitzø used to hate weekends. 

Satan, he fucking hated them. Why couldn’t every day be a work day? Why would they need a break? If it were up to him, there would be no such thing as a weekend. Because on weekends he had nothing to distract him from the ever-growing nothing in the pit of his chest and that wasn’t much fun at all.

Until Y/N accepted the job at I.M.P.

Before that, they used to speak almost exclusively through text, extremely inconsistently. He’s never really been the greatest at texting, but he could spam her with stupid memes and pictures of him doing random things throughout his day and horse doodles that she didn’t seem mad about receiving. They spent a whole year like that, only meeting in person a few times here and there.

When he offered her the job he promised himself not to have any expectations because, well shit, why would she trade in an obviously well-paying job, with her best friend as her boss, where she’d been working for years on end without having to hurt or kill anybody, for whatever it was he was asking her to do? 

But then she said yes.

It wasn’t long until he figured out they weren’t all that different from each other. Apparently, as much as she liked to complain about needing a break, just to annoy him, she dreaded weekends too. Not that she’d just admit that point-blank, but they did go out on on a Friday night after work and she did drink one too many and she sighed and complained about having to go home and it was all so much like him. ‘I don’t wanna be alone, Blitz,’ she’d told him. 

He didn't wanna be alone either.

And so he took her back home and he slept on her couch and he stayed there the next day, keeping her company and, honestly, enjoying hers. 

That’s how their tradition started. Almost every single weekend, the two will find themselves in either of their apartments, in the ugliest clothes they own, to cook or order something extremely greasy and unhealthy and marathon a shit-ton of movies, staying in on Saturday after going out somewhere on Friday. Loona would routinely call it ‘patheticville’ and ‘loser day’ and things like that. 

He doesn't hate weekends anymore. 

Do you ever think about anyone’s feelings other than your own? 

And now he’d fucking gone and done this. 

He still wanted to fight, then. To argue, to scream, to yell. He wanted them to do it too. To get down and dirty and scream back at him. He wanted a reason to react.

Blitzø has always been very good at reacting. 

Do you ever think about anyone’s feelings other than you own?

But how was he supposed to react to that? The thought of grabbing his phone and texting her something along the lines of ‘fuck you and your pet bird too’ crosses his mind for a moment and, shit, maybe he is a prick, and he was gonna die alone wasn’t he? He was sure to if he kept doing this kind of thing. 

And maybe he fucking deserves it. 

Sometimes he wonders just how he’s going to die. Will it be peaceful? He hopes not. He sure as shit does not deserve peaceful. Maybe it could at least be cool. Maybe he could go down in a super badass shootout in the human world or a cool-as-fuck sword fight or something. Or maybe he’ll die in some dumbass way like tripping on the sidewalk and cracking his head open on the pavement. Maybe it’ll be in one of those days when he’ll be climbing up Stolas’ balcony and then he’ll slip and fall and break all his bones only to be found dead on the grass surrounded by ball gags and anal plugs. A stupid send-off for a stupid motherfucker. 

He throws himself on the couch instead and curls up into a ball, wishing he had a big royal-size bed with soft sheets and like three or four fluffy pillows, or even a simple twin-sized one, or at least that the couch was a pull-out. 

He grabs his phone and inevitably goes where he always goes when he feels like this- his ‘people I care about’ folder. He swipes through the various pictures. The ones of himself with I.M.P. in the living world, the one he made Moxxie pose with him for with them pointing their guns at each other, the one with Millie when she still had her long hair. The one from the day of Loona’s adoption, the one he took of Stolas sleeping next to him. The selfie with Verosika, the one he secretly took of Y/N watching the screen when he first showed ‘Spirit’ to her. 

And then he lands on the one. The one with Barbie and his mom. 

Blitzø is a 35 years old single father who kills people for a living. He’s been handling his own shit for almost two decades now. But in this moment… he just wants his mama.

Do you ever think about anyone’s feelings other than your own? 

What would she have thought of that?

Yeah, he should have known it would be a ‘cry himself to sleep’ kind of night.

Blitzø doesn’t know for how long he’s been passed out when he wakes up disoriented. He doesn’t remember falling asleep, and that probably explains why his body ached so much with how uncomfortable the position he’d slept in was. He wakes up with the barking sounds of Loona’s special ringtone and scrambles to pick it up. 

“Loonie baby? You alright? Did something happen to you, are you hurt?”

“No, Blitz. I just- can you just come pick me up?” She sounds like she’s been crying. Fuck, no, his baby needs him. No time to be sad.

He’s up in a second. “On my way. Send me the address.” He hangs up, searching for his car keys (which he found between the couch seats) and running down the stairs.

Loona went two rings down to Gluttony for this party. It makes sense, he supposes. He’s more of a Lust Ring party kind of guy himself, but he’s heard Gluttony parties got crazy. He accelerates as fast as the shitty van will let him and gets there pretty quickly, only to find her outside, still crying.

He rolls down the window before he even stops the car completely. “Hey, Loonie. How ya doin’, you alright?”

She wipes a tear with the back of her hand and enters the car with a huff, crossing her arms over her chest. “Yeah, I’m fine! I just wanna go.” She sounds anything but fine.

He’s about to ask her what happened when some fuckface he definitely doesn’t remember calls him by name. The wrong one. “Hey! That sounds like Blitzo!”

“The ‘O’ is silent, asshole!”

“Hey, I knew it was you! Fuck, man, where you been? You here for the party?”

“No, I’m just here picking up my daughter.”

The guy walks up to Loona’s window, and she hides her face from him with her hands, embarrassed. “Oh, shit, you have a daughter now?”

“Adopted!” She yells out, and it stings a bit, regardless of being objectively true. 

“Oh, man, you’re already leaving? Things just got started! Come in and show us all up again.”

Blitzø groans, annoyed by the insistence. “No, no, thank you, but I think Loonie wants to head back now.” 

Some other weirdo approaches the van, leaning on the passenger’s window. “Huh, the hottie wants to leave?” Come on, right in front of him? 

He instinctively starts to growl. “Watch it.”

“I mean, we could stay a little longer,” Loona tells him.

He sighs. He’s not normally one to turn down a party, especially one with free booze, but he feels that’s probably what he should do.. “I think we need to go, ‘kay? I think it’s been a long night.”

“Well, these people seem to know you. Come on! I think I wanna give this another try. Pleeeeaaase?” She gives him the goddamn puppy dog eyes and she knows he can already hardly resist fulfilling her requests.

Well, if she insists. He could definitely use a drink…

“Okay, fine. Maybe one drink.”

… Or a good old night of drinking to forget.

Blitzø downs two tequila shots before he’s even made it into the house. He downs four beers at rapid speed as soon as he does manage to get inside, crushing the cans and cheering loudly when he was done, and then suddenly he finds himself saying yes to a keg stand. It’s so easy he can do it in his sleep. Fuck being too old for this, he’d never be too old to have fun. And he can handle so much more than a keg stand. “Ha-ha! That was nothing, bitch! Give me a real challenge!”

Beelzebub herself appears in front of him, seemingly materializing out of nowhere (or maybe he’s just drunk), all cheers and neon colors and psychedelic paraphernalia floating around her, and she does challenge him. “Oh yeah? Wanna fucks with the big bitch, imp boy? I got a challenge for ya.” 

Someone somewhere murmurs “He’s gonna die.”

Now that sounds like a challenge he can get behind.

Vortex walks up to them, carrying two huge gallons of something and placing them on the floor between him and the Sin. “Aaaaight, let’s do this! From Bee’s personal supply, the hardest shit there is.” He crouches down to Blitzø’s height. “You ready, my man?” 

Fuck, this better fucking kill him alright. “Bring it, barky! I will drink you under this fucking table, you have no idea what kind of night I’ve had.” He struggles trying to pry the gallon open, and Bee uses her magic or whatever to make them levitate, extending a straw from it. Of course she’d flaunt her magical powers and her easy fucking life to him.

“Alright, shit-talker, but there hasn’t been a soul yet who can beat me at my own game, so you better bring the fire, baby!.” 

“Ohh, is Queen Bee too scawed to lose to a widdle imp like me?” He bets she is. And he bets she’ll be embarrassed when she loses to him (because she is going to lose). Fucking big names like her always are. 

“Oh, okay. Let’s get it on, you little bastard!”

Vortex signs for them to begin and it takes about two seconds for Blitzø to have downed about a fourth of it already, but why stop there? He pulls the straw out and pours the drink straight into his mouth, downing the entirety of it at light speed. He’s so quick Beelzebub even stops chugging her own, amused… Concerned? Noo, no way. Amused. 

He climbs on top of the huge gallon to be at face level with her and properly rub it on her face, high on the adrenaline of it all (and perhaps a little bit on the buzz from the extremely strong drink too). “Yeah, who’s the queen now?”

Loona cheers for him loudly, and it fills him with joy when she proudly yells out “yeah! That’s my dad!” Yeah. That’s damn right. 

Bee lets her own unfinished gallon fall down to the floor and crosses her arms over her chest. Yeah, definitely impressed. “Well, fuck me. That’s a first. I haven’t had a first in a while. That was magical, seriously. Impressive. I tip my crown to you, imp boy. Respect.” Fuck her still calling him imp boy, but she’s actually admitting his victory and shes bowing to him, as she fucking should. 

She howls, every hellhound around following suit, and Blitzø feels on top of the world. 

Why does the world start spinning when you get yourself on top of it? 

He almost falls to the ground, but then he’s getting held up by a bunch of strangers like a cool-as-fuck goddamn rockstar and, shit, why had he stopped getting wasted and doing this kind of thing every night again?

He doesn’t exactly remember when people started doing body shots off of him but he does remember getting freaky with a few of them, which did very little to make him feel good and honestly felt a little gross with the amounts of drinks getting spilled all over and making things rather… sticky, but it was doing wonders to his thought problem. 

Who would have known having four strangers’ tongues inside of you at once could be a great way to muffle the unsolicited thoughts in his head?

The second those people fuck off somewhere else the thoughts come in again, though. Stolas hiding his face in shame behind the menu. Do you ever think about anyone’s feelings other than your own? Y/n unable to look him in the eye. Are you worried someday I may have enough of it as well? Fizz is gonna hate him forever. You’re not my real dad! Verosika will always regret him. We could just… talk. Or… watch a movie? Or maybe… cuddle? Y/n’s crying face, Stolas’ disappointed one. Oh, they both had such fuckable faces didn’t they? Which reminded him: he really wanted to fuck someone.

He’s making out with a guy whose name he doesn’t know and whose face he doesn’t even remember when Loona pulls him off of him. “Oh, piss on a dick! What the fuck are you doing, Blitz?”

“This guy,” he grins, pointing to the unnamed man, who now stands still behind him. Wasn’t it obvious?

“It looks like you’re in the middle of a goddamn orgy. Stop!” Oh shit. Loona saw all that? An orgy does sound like some real fucking fun right now. Wait, focus, Loona. Fuck.

“Look, I didn’t expect you to come here and see any of this, Loonie, I’m so sorry, but it’s a party! I’m just having fun with uh… uh…” he turns back around to the man Loona pulled him off of. “The fuck is your name again?”

“Dennis.”

Ew. “Christ on a stick, you would be a Dennis. Get the fuck away from me! I’m not fucking a Dennis tonight. I need a Monica or an Alejandro here, stat.” He’s genuinely surprised that works when some hunky dude pulls him into his huuuge chest. Fuck yeah. “Better.”

Loona punches his Alejandro in the face, and he sincerely doesn’t give a fuck about it, because the world is spinning again, which is weird because this time he does not feel like he’s on top of it at all. In fact, it feels like the world is the meanest dom top ever and he’s a whiny, whiny bottom just sore all over from getting spanked ‘till his ass hurt. Not in a good way.

He falls back on Loona, and she catches him. “You don’t need anyone else sucking your face, freaky weirdo.” She throws him over her shoulder. “You need to drink something other than beelzejuice.”

She pulls him into the van, and she doesn’t rush to get home, because, according to her, she can see he’s already about to throw up. No he’s not, no sir! Ma’am. Loonie. 

Whatever. 

His mind clears a little as they make their way back home, and he pulls out his phone from his back pocket. Thankfully it’s still there.

“The fuck are you doing, dumbass? That’s gonna make you dizzy.”

“Gotta… gotta draw a thing.”

“You gotta draw a thing?”

“Yeah,” he affirms, as if that was enough information for everything to be self-explanatory, even nodding his head yes for emphasis. He surprisingly manages to take his time and put real effort into doodling it, showing it to Loona before sending it.

“Does it look like I did it drunk?” He slurs, letting out an unintentional burp.

“It actually looks pretty good, Blitz.”

“Okay.” 

“So. Who’d you call stupid?”

“Don’t wanna talk about it.”

“Okay.”

“Can you call me dad again?”

“Nope.”

“Okay.”

He presses send and clicks on Stolas’ contact next, only to see there’s an unread message in their chat.

Stols:  I’m sorry if anything I said or did offended you tonight. 

Ha. Bet you really fucking are. 

Still, he’s not Stolas’ fucking boyfriend. What was there to expect from him? Why would he expect anything? 

Blitzy: ITZ WUTEVS

To Blitzø’s surprise, Stolas begins typing immediately, as if he’d been waiting obsessively for his reply.

Stols: Next time you come over, maybe we can talk about what happened at Ozzie’s?

Talk about it? What was there to talk about? Blitzø wanted nothing more than to bury the memories of tonight the deepest under the ground he possibly could. But of course Stolas would want to talk about it.

He always wants to fucking talk about shit.

Blitzy: Y?

Stolas types for what feels like forever, and it must have been, seen that they’re now only one street from the apartment complex, before he sends in a huge-ass paragraph. 

Stols: I’m sorry! Nevermind, it’s not a big deal. I was just worried about you. You seemed very upset and you took off so fast. I’m sure things will be fine with Y/N, she likes you very much, I can see it. Maybe I read too much into everything, though. Not everything is about me, haha. I’m  glad that’s not the case. I wasn’t upset either I just wanted to make sure you weren’t and obviously you can handle a stupid joke a clown can make. Asmodeus can be very invasive in his humor, and Y/N says she’ll talk to him about it, but I thought it was funny myself. What he said about me at least. I enjoy being the subject of jest. Maybe you can say mean things to me too next time you come over. 

Now that is too much to fucking deal with right now. Which means he won’t. 

Blitzy: SHUR.

He clicks out of Stolas’ chat, taking one last glance at Y/N’s before turning his phone off. She hasn’t seen what he sent yet, and that’s actually okay. 

Loona parks the van messily, doing the same thing he’d done earlier and letting the car occupy some space from the neighbour’s spot. He doesn’t even think before asking her to fix it.  “Sweetie, could you just park it a little more to the right?”

“Why?”

Yeah, Blitzø, why do you even care? “Well I don’t want that freaky cat lady to be up my ass about it tomorrow.” Yeah, that. Sure.

She doesn’t seem to find it in her to argue or even as much as groan, simply readjusting the car. She has to carry him over her shoulder again and all he wishes on the way up this time around is that he were a little more sober. She plops him down on the couch and he curls into himself once again while she grabs him a glass of water. 

Nothing to distract him from his thoughts now. 

“I had a really shitty day,” he tells her.

“Oh, yeah? Is that why you drank like five gallons of who-knows-what?”

“I don’t want her to hate me.”

“The person you called stupid?” 

He nods, hiding his face from her when the tears start coming in. “Fuck, Fizz was right. I’m gonna die alone, aren’t I? Just a wrinkly, old, withered waste. Will you be there, Loonie?” Blitzø feels whatever consciousness he’d gained back slipping away again by the second, this time from the need to sleep rather than the alcohol. At what point did he get so tired?

“Be where?” Loona asks, and he’s too out of it to respond properly, only mumbling half-coherent things like lonely and die alone over and over. “I’ll be there, dad," she tells him anyway, and covers him with a blanket, the softest one they own. “Now go the fuck to sleep,” she orders, and he does hear it, he just doesn’t have the strength to say anything in response as he feels himself drifting off to sleep, his last thoughts being that at least he can’t think about anything while asleep and that… 

He vomits all over the living room floor. 

“Oh, fuck, I did need to throw up.”

[. . .]

You feel stupid when it’s Fizzarolli who finds you crying in Ozzie’s waiting area. He skips his way to the room, humming along to some song you can’t quite make out, and he almost doesn’t see you on his way into the office. He hears you sniffling, though, and turns to face you. It takes him a couple seconds to process that it’s you.

“Y/N? What are you doing here? Um. You okay there?”

You look up at him, but it doesn’t feel like you can say anything yet. 

“I-” He motions behind him with his thumb. “I’m gonna- I’m gonna get Ozzie. Stay here, yeah?”

You don’t even know why exactly you’d asked Stolas to send you here when you were still mad at Ozzie. Or maybe not mad. Just… sad about everything that spiraled out of what he did. 

Then again, did you even have anywhere else to go? You could absolutely not make the night worse for Millie and Moxxie by showing up at their place, thinking of Blitzø made you sad and Stolas was not an option. You had Ozzie, though. And you know you always will, despite whatever stupid shit one of you might do. 

And it honestly beats going home to a big pile of nothing. 

Ozzie appears shortly, Fizz having done as promised and fetched him. Fizz doesn’t come back, though, letting you and Ozzie have a moment to talk on your own, which is nice of him.  

“Hey, pretty babe. Fizz said you were here.” He looks you up and down, worried. “Are you crying?”

“Why did you do that?” 

“What?”

“Why did you fucking sing about all that, why did you- it was so humiliating, Oz, fuck!”

“Oh. I am so sorry. I didn’t know. I didn’t know. It got out of control. I didn’t even know you would be here tonight. You didn’t call me.”

“I didn’t know I was coming either.”

“You wanna tell me what that means?”

“It’s stupid.”

“Alright. That’s okay. I am sorry, though. We took the joke too far and I realized too late that it wasn’t funny.”

“Yeah. It wasn’t. So please don’t fucking do that again. It’s humiliating enough to… fuck... and everybody saw it, and- I…” You groan in frustration, struggling to get your words out. 

“No more about Stolas or any of you. Okay? Promise.” He sits down next to you on the fancy couch and he lets you lean on him. “Did something happen between you?”

You hesitate before speaking. “I didn’t- I don’t know what I was thinking. Maybe I am stupid. Of course he’s ashamed to be seen with us.”

“Stolas?”

You nod. 

“Did he… tell you that?”

“Well he didn’t deny it.”

“Okay." He takes a deep breath, probably trying to think of how to handle the situation. "You’ll have time to think about all of this. Alright? Now you’re coming with me, you’re taking a bath and you’re sleeping over, and we’ll talk about everything tomorrow. There’s no need to hurt yourself more thinking about it right now.”

He stands up and turns to leave the room, but looks back when he doesn’t hear you do the same. You’re still sat sit still on the couch.

You look up at him. “Oz?”

“Hm?”

“Do you think I’m stupid?”

“What?”

“Do you think I’m stupid?” You repeat yourself.

“What- of course not. Did somebody say that to you?”

You don’t reply. 

He purses his lips together, thinking. “Are they worth feeling stupid for?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve gone through this before.”

“It’s different, you know that.”

“Yeah, it’s worse. They’re not hurting you back this time around, they’re just hurting you.”

You decide he was right. You don't want to talk about this right now. “Can we please not talk about it?”

He hesitates before nodding in agreement. “Yeah. ‘Course, babe.” He grabs your hands and pulls you up. “Come on.”

All the crying makes you so tired you’re almost passed out the second you lie down on the soft, silky bedsheets of Ozzie's guest room bed. Taking a look through your texts before you let yourself fall asleep, you click on Stolas’ contact once you see a notification for an unread text. 

Stolas: I am truly sorry if I did something to hurt you or make you uncomfortable with me tonight. It’s not your obligation to talk Asmodeus  out of doing anything and I did not feel embarrassed because of you or Blitz. If you need space from me I will understand, but I want you to know that is not how I feel. And, for the record, I don’t care what that Verosika person said about you. I hope you’re alright. 

It is way too late and you are way too tired to process or deal with all of that, and honestly? You still do feel stupid, and don’t want to further that feeling by replying to him immediately. That feels too pathetic- it feels like proving Blitzø right.

You’ll reply tomorrow.

You click on Blitzø’s contact next, which also had a notification signaling an unseen message, and you brace yourself for a 'fuck you’ text or something of the sorts. 

You can't keep yourself from smiling when you open the text, turning the phone off and just waiting for sleep come to you, and things feel a lot less shitty than just a second before.

Having friends is pretty fucking okay.

A/N: everybody say thank you @sweetadonisbutbetter and also wish them a happy birthday!! the adorable little doodle blitzo drew is theirs and they did it especially so i could put it in this chapter which is so nice of them and so fucking cool!!

[axoluxy]

hellloooooo!!!

hope youre doing well:) can i request a jd x fem reader with body dysmorphia or anorexia? mine is getting rly bad but if you are triggered by this dont worry about it!!

tysm and love ya;)

hello yes, it's not triggering for me at all! i was actually thinking about this like a month or two ago! i hope you get better, if you need to talk my inbox is open!

"I Just Want to Help." "What If I Don't Want Help?" (J.D. x G.N!Reader)

summary; j.d. notices everything, especially when it comes to you. imagine his surprise when he catches on to your eating disorder warnings; eating disorder, body dysmorphia, swearing, talk of mental help and illness, not wanting to be better word count; 1.6k

2nd person

You had expressed to J.D. how you wanted to lose some weight and he encouraged you, but he also made sure you were comfortable. He wanted you to know you were perfect no matter what, because you were. He would tell you, “If you want to lose a few pounds that’s fine, you’re beautiful no matter what.” and he would kiss you, he would hold you close.

Now, J.D. is a very observant guy, especially when it comes to you. He was obsessed with you. So when you were skipping meals, he noticed pretty quickly. Of course he did.

He also saw the way you looked at yourself whenever faced with a mirror, or seeing a photo of the two of you, or anything that had to do with looking at yourself. He noticed how you’d cross your arms to cover your stomach, how you would close your thumb and pinky around your wrist, and lift your thighs slightly off whatever you were sitting on. He noticed you started exercising excessively and all the colour had drained from your skin. He noticed how you seemed to have forgotten important things, how you always looked lightheaded, how you were pulling out clumps of your own hair. He noticed how you would never let him touch you anymore, like the thought of his touch disgusted you. You acted like you were allergic to food, you’d drink at least 10 glasses of water a day.

Everything small or large, he noticed!

There was one mirror in your room and it had been flipped around to face the wall. When he asked you about it, you said you didn’t notice and he left it at that even though he knew you were lying.

J.D. was concerned. You, his partner, the person he loved the most, was practically killing themselves over something so small?

At least that’s how it was in his eyes. It wasn’t small to you, no not at all. It took over your whole life. You wanted to look like the girls in the magazines, or the popular girls at your school. You envied them, you hated them, you were angry that they got to eat whatever they want and they would stay under 105 pounds.

It all felt so unfair, what made you so different? Why did you have to deal with the humiliation of wanting to buy a bag of candy and feel like others were watching you in contempt and disgust?

You wanted to tell your boyfriend, you loved him and you wanted him to help but you were so ashamed. You didn’t want anyone to notice, you didn’t want to be a bother. Yet at the same time, you had prayed that J.D. would find out and help you get better.

You hated how exhausted this made you, you felt your thoughts contradict themselves all the time. You wanted to be healthy, to be better, but at the same time, you didn’t feel sick enough. You wanted to be worse. It didn’t start out like this, you didn’t intend to stop eating all over, it started with skipping some dinners, then breakfasts, then using the excuse of not having enough money to pay for lunch. J.D. would offer you money, saying it wasn't too expensive but you declined every single time.

After some time, you were repulsed at the thought of food, looking at it made you nauseous. Yet, seeing other, thinner people, eating made you jealous.

He couldn’t just tell you to eat, no that wouldn’t work. So he did the next best thing, he guilted you into eating. The next time you came over to his place, he had made sure he made a bunch of things to eat. Sure, it was a little manipulative, but it was the best he could think of doing.

“I made food for us.” He told you, holding a pot of baked macaroni and cheese.

“Oh, I’m not really that hungry. Thank you though Honey.” You sighed, you had done so well, you were doing perfect actually, you didn’t need all this. You just wanted to finish your homework and sleep.

“Not hungry? You haven’t eaten all day.” He pointed out to you, making you nervous. Had he really noticed?

“Yeah well…” You were going to give an excuse but J.D. quickly cut you off.

“Do you not like my cooking? Is it that? Is it not good enough for you? You’d rather starve than eat anything made by me?” He pestered, trying to be as frustrating and guilt-inducing as possible.

“No, no of course not!” You try to reassure him, he didn’t need the reassurance though. This was going exactly how he wanted it to.

“Well it really seems like it right now, can you at least try it?” He slides you a plate and a fork.

You sighed, giving in. If it made J.D. happy, you’d do it.

So that continued for a few weeks. Every few days you’d go to J.D. 's house, he’d cook something for the two of you and if you declined, he’d guilt you into eating it. You were starting to get a little upset that he kept doing that, you eventually realised that he was guilting you into this, so you confronted him about it.

“J.D., why do you keep guilting me into eating the food you cook?” You confront him, after he does the same routine to you this evening. He sighed and put the dish of leftover stuffing and turkey from Thanksgiving on the table.

“Because you’re making me feel like you don’t like what I make for you.” He excused, putting on a subtle frown, but enough for you to notice.

“No, that’s not it. What’s the actual reason?” You cut through his bullshit and stare at him with your arms crossed and a sour expression.

“You don’t fucking eat, [Name]. If I’m not giving you food, you don’t eat. That isn’t healthy!”

“Yeah, well neither is having a slushy every other day!” You counter, how were you supposed to take advice from him of all people?

“You can’t starve yourself, you’ve collapsed with me like 3 times in the past month! God knows how many times you do when I’m not with you!” He says, exasperated.

You were silent, stunned even. You didn’t know what to say, and you didn’t want to affirm his reasoning. He was never like this though, he never outwardly expressed his concerns for you, even though you knew he still cared.

“I’m not even gonna try that ‘Do it for me.’ bullshit because I know it’s not going to do anything. If anything, do it for yourself! You’re sick. You’re destroying your metabolism. If anything, not eating is going to do the opposite of what you want!”

You stayed silent for a moment. You were both silent, until he started to speak again.

“I get you’re insecure, my love, but you’re not handling this the right way. You’re not being healthy.” He tries to reason with you, trying to understand that you’re probably also not in a good mental state at the moment.

“Since when did you care about being healthy? Last time I checked, you destroy everything around you, including yourself. So why do I have to take health advice from you?” You pushed an accusatory finger to his chest.

J.D. was getting a little frustrated with your excuses, he didn’t want you to stay like this. It was bad for the both of you and now it was causing you guys to fight.

“Because,” He let out a frustrated sigh, he held his face in his hands and ran them up through his hair. “I hate seeing you like this! You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen and you’re shrivelling up your body to meet these unrealistic standards! You might never have the body of a model, and guess what [Name]? That’s okay!”

“No, it’s not okay, it’s unfair!”

“What’s unfair is what you’re doing to yourself. You won’t even let me touch you, I want to worship you and you’re pushing me away…”

“Why?” You give up on the yelling match, you needed to give in because you knew J.D. He’d keep this going until you couldn’t talk.

He sighed and a small smirk found its way on his face. He was happy you were finally giving in.

“Because I love you, darling. You helped me, so I’m trying to help you. You’re the only one I can trust and I want you to trust me too.” His hand lightly grazes your left shoulder, he looks at you for the ‘Okay’ to touch you.

You nodded slowly and his small smirk turned into a wide smile. He instantly wrapped you in his arms, he kissed your temple and held you so your back was pressed against his chest. J.D. was relieved that you would finally let him touch you again, and even better, you were enjoying it.

“I do trust you.” You let your eyes close on you as you lean into J.D. He pressed a few kisses to your neck and you sighed as you felt his breath against it.

“What can I do to help you? You tell me.”

“I don’t know…” You admitted, you didn’t know what to do about this.

“How about we start with talking about this, okay?”

“Okay.”

[mingos]

*crawls out of the ground like a mole, coughing up copious amounts of dirt*

so, hello.

    i try to keep things as vague & light as possible when referencing my homelife because, honestly, the last time i brought up anything tangentially related i was essentially told “you being upset is making other people upset and ruining the fun” so being anything other than ✨chaotic positivity gremlin wilder ✨ here makes me paranoid, hence why i’ll just disappear for weeks sometimes. 

but. 

i’ve clearly been gone for a bit, will probably be gone for a bit longer, and since i’ve been getting messages from folks wanting to check in on me i wanna give a more detailed update than usual. i feel guilty for not responding directly, but for reasons i can’t get detailed on other than “the idea of having a conversation with 99.9% of people right now is terrifying” (is this what being nonverbal is, chat?) with even the .1% being a super recent development, a queue post into the void is my solution.

i won’t get that detailed, but if light references to domestic abuse, addiction, or just family issues in general are hard subjects for you - nothing past this paragraph is too pertinent anyway, so don’t worry about having to stop. all you gotta know is that some Bad Stuff with family happened, but i’m safe & i’ll be back in maybe another week or something. 

anyways. i was living out of hotels for about 3 weeks. 

more like 16-17 days if you want to get technical because 4 of those days i had an actual scheduled hotel for my twin’s wedding at the end of august - but i’ve basically been bouncing around since august 21st. the night of the 20th, i had a horrific fight with my family member and, for the first time ever, i left. don’t know if would call it brave on my part - since we were leaving for a trip anyway, this is just the first time my suitcase was already packed.

right now, i’ve been at another relative’s house since the 11th. i tried to go back on the 1st because, even after years of this, i’m apparently way too easy to convince everything is going to be fine…  but by the 2nd i was out of there again. 

currently mulling over my next move here because, as much as the common sense answer is to stay away, anybody who’s unfortunate enough to deal with this knows how complicated it is. i’m scared for this person’s safety as much as i am for my own. no one else really checks on them, and i’ve already had to deal with several medical emergencies they’ve had like bad falls & breathing problems. i don’t like leaving them alone for long because the guilt at the thought of something bad happening to them and no one knowing for possibly days or weeks eats me up.

i logically know i’ll have to get past that eventually because i can’t let my life be dictated by this incredibly toxic cycle forever or i’ll never be happy, but now isn’t the time. they also have a dog who would similarly be put at risk if something happened to them, so it’s a lot for me to worry about.

but, having said all that, we’re currently in the apology stage or i guess the negotiation stage because, after the shit that happened this time, i’m making it perfectly clear i’m not stepping foot in that house until they do something. detox, treatment, rehab, disulfiram, soberlink, therapy – something. we’re kind of running out of things for them to try at this point, but at least they used to try. they haven’t really been doing that this past year and I’m the one suffering the most because of it.

so yeah, that’s where things are at the moment. i’m mentally not doing so hot - but I’ve got my dog, and being able to sleep in a bed i’m familiar with for a change and not a hotel (I spent so much money on hotels, guys i’m cooked) is nice relief while I wait out whatever the hell is happening. talking to them over the phone again pretty much drains any of the energy I’ve got back, but it sounds like they’re starting to "get it' so hopefully they’ll start to take this seriously again because I can really only take one more year of this (if even) until I just need to accept these things aren’t my responsibility and move on.

honestly, having a close-knit group of friends/support system for the first time in years has really reminded me of that and given me the confidence to take a lot of steps to live for myself for a change, and to think about prioritizing my own happiness for once, which wasn’t the place i was in at this time last year, or the year before that, or the year before that - so I just want to say thank you again to anyone whose ever helped talk me through something or really just been nice to me at all. this is why i always remember to be kind because it can genuinely do a lot for someone going through something, because i know it has for me.

anyway uhhhhh i hope you are all doing well, and with any luck i’ll be chilling on here by the start of october. can’t miss spooky month and this insufferable pink bird’s birthday, after all.

much love.

[13thdoctorposts]

has anyone else noticed how reactions and consensus on 13 has been RETROACTIVELY negative? I know there's been an intensely misogynistic hate campaign since Jodie was announced but I also noticed that when you look at old posts from when s11 especially was freshly aired, there was a lot more good faith engagement with the show and genuine excitement in fandom. It seems like covid gave the bad faith actors the opportunity to take over fandom and force their narratives on everyone.

Yeah a really great example of this is if you look back to tweets from the night Rosa aired the praise was very very high, now if you bring it up in the fandom you would think it was terrible and racist.

On YouTube I was told the writers, both of them Chibs and Malorie Blackman were incompetent because they doesn’t show how bad the racism really was, yet the episode starts with one of our companions being physically assaulted and told to be careful so not to end up like Emmett Till, some one who had just been murdered acting as if the show was sugar coating what life was like back then. Oh and of course with the Chibs slander that he’s racist because he may have hired a woman of colour to write the script, but she is English not American and he should have made sure it was an American or not done the episode at all

Malorie Blackman is an award winning author claiming she’s an incompetent writer is pretty incredible accusation.

Here’s some of the tweets from articles praising the episode.

I think 2 things hurt 13 era who and they weren’t Chibs and Jodie. It was the unhinged toxicity the fandom constantly spewed and then even after things got praised as you said people would go back and nitpick to a level they never ever do with any other era and 2nd not having a big enough marketing budget and brand manger series 12 and 13 suffered most from this because the BBC did put the marketing money into series 11 even if they didn’t have a brand manager, and Chibs mentions this in the Radio Free Skaro podcast from last year that the BBC put a huge marking budget into series 11 but series 12 and 13 basically the budget was… you can only advertise on the BBC because there’s no money for anything else.

Rosa is just one example but there was a lot of praise for the work at the time of release and it’s quite possible general public viewers may have just stoped engaging on social after series 11 because they would then be piled on, and people in the online fandom knew they couldn’t go to social saying they loved an episode so they started picking it apart before putting their thoughts out there so they could be on trend with the haters who were gonna pile on if they didn’t fall in line.

Seriously if there’s ever a down fall to doctor who the ‘fans’ will be it because they would rather hate on the thing they supposedly love than love it. And ever era has its super questionable moments but if you bring them up for any other era you just being petty, or it isn’t that big of a deal, or ‘it’s of the time’ it’s just excuse after excuse.

I’ve seen people upset about the fact that RTD dead named Rose in the star beast, something very legitimate because now all the right wing idiots of the fandom use that name and the people who were upset get piled on if they say anything because they should be happy that RTD is trying to give them representation… but these same people when Chibs tried to give rep though a female doctor, or an episode like Rosa or Ryans disability, say Chibs is a right wing capitalist, sexist, racist, ablest, you don’t hear them saying hey he was really trying by getting people of colour to write their stories, by getting directors with the same heritage to direct episodes, he work with a dyspraxia organisation to help write Ryan, brought in the first 2 female Doctors and the 1st Doctor of colour who was also a woman, the 1st master of colour, the first Doctor who admitted to having feeling for a companion of the same sex and the episode where the doctor admits those feeling is co written with a queer woman, oh no Chibs gets no grace for tryi neg he did everything wrong but RTD everyone should be thankful for.

I don’t understand the level of hate. Not liking something is one thing but a part of this fandom has made 13 era who seem like the anti christ of Doctor Who, when really it tried a lot harder to involve more people in it then ever before.

[literallyjusttoa]

Ok I have just been scrolling on your blog for like ages now and I just wanna say that I find your greek mythology rants literally so interesting bc a) they are so informative and when reading them it's obvious your dedicated abt it and b) I just love the way you write??? There's so much passion and it makes reading all your posts so interesting. I just love the info dumps especially bc I really want to know more abt greek mythology but I just don't have the time + have no idea where to start finding this information.

Plus I just really really love your art. It's so adorable?? I love your style and the way you draw your characters I just want to bundle them all up and never let go like I am literally etching every last bit into my brain.

Anyways I hope this doesn't seem like weird ☀️

These are like the kindest compliments, thank you!!!!

I'm so glad my passion for mythology comes through in my writing bc I do care so much about greek mythology and like mythology in general, if I thought I could make it in academia I would totally get a job in mythology research it is one of my favorite things. AND! I have a couple of resources I would totally recommend for a good place to start researching!

Theoi.com: oml this is such a phenomenally good resource for greek mythology. It has a whole bunch of different information and all of it is linked back to it's original source from antiquity. I will say that the writing on the website can be a bit dense, but it's not horrible and I could not recommend this site enough as a source for information.

If you have the money to buy a book I would recommend getting a copy of the Apollodorus' Library. This is a collection of mythography (It's like a mythological dictionary) that is thought to have been written around 2nd century BC. So, two plusses. 1. It's a primary source. 2. It has a lot of myths in a small package. Obviously, the original book is in ancient greek, which I sadly have not learned to read, but there are a lot of really good translations in english that are readily available. The one I have was translated by R. Scott Smith and Stephan M. Trzaskoma, and it's really cool because it also has the translated Hyginus' Fabulae, which is also mythography but this time it's roman. So like, two in one go! Woop woop!

After these two resources, I would recommend going trying to find resources that go more in depth on whatever myth catches your eye. Of course, that could be anything, so I can't really offer up a certain book or website for that, but I can give a couple of tips I use when looking into potential sources of information!

Primary resources!!! Always look for primary resources!! These are the sources that are actually from ancient greece, and have little to no additions from an author. I know these sources are usually more dense and harder to get through, but I think it's good to have an understanding of the original myth before you start looking at other people's interpretations of that myth, just so you don't get their thoughts confused with the actual original text. If you're having trouble figuring out if a book or site is a good primary research, search it up and look for reviews! Usually there's at least a couple people talking about how good the source is academic-wise.

I would always encourage researching ancient greek and roman history alongside researching mythology. These myths did not exist in a vacuum, and a lot of the time certain myths and stories are the direct result of the culture and politics of the era. I think the connections between greek mythology and history give you a greater understanding of both topics, and is always a good step!

(Also just my bias showing, but greek art history!!! is so good!!! and tells you so much about the culture!!! and then roman art history is also great!!! Because you get to see how the artists of rome used the cultural and artistic values of greece to create meaning and influence the people!! Like, Octavian purposefully had himself sculpted in a hellenistic style so that people would be less worried about him ruling from such a young age?? That's so interesting!!! I love art history!!!!)

I will say a lot of this does take a lot of time (I only really have time to research now bc it's summer so i'm not in college ;-;) but I really think it's such an interesting field, as you can probably tell by how long this was.

[bigskydreaming]

Bit of a vent post, bit of a housekeeping post, bit of a 'so that's what's been happening in Kalen-land' post:

So I have officially done everything that can be done to prepare for our relocation to a different site while they do construction on this one for the next year, which should be....any day now. Since it was originally supposed to happen on October 2nd, lol. Oh, bureaucracy.

If I wrote a memoir of the last two years specifically, 'Oh, Bureaucracy' would be the title, actually. So obviously its no secret that Moukie & I have been struggling for a long time, even after my surgery back in December 2021. But pretty much all of that has to do with our struggles to hack through bureaucracy to secure some actual stability and longterm living situation, since....oh, January 2022. We've finally secured a five year lease to stay in this place (with the exception of the next year, at a different site during construction, as I mentioned), but like....we only JUST got that agreement officially in writing, signed & notarized & all that...last week.

After being told it was basically a done deal but they couldn't finalize anything or put anything in writing until the building sold and the property changed hands and one city service took over oversight of this particular property from another one....pretty much every month since November of last year. They changed dates and timelines on us so many times it was like every three week we'd have a completely new timeline we were looking at for when we could expect to have everything finalized or for the relocation to happen, etc. Most recently, we were told with complete certainty that everyone HAD to be out October 2nd, that construction would be starting immediately after that, nobody would be allowed to stay in the building.

October 31st, and we're still here, lol.

So that's been a fun non-stop rollercoaster ride of stress, lol. The problem, of course, is that before my surgery (12/2021), I'd quite literally been homeless for at least the five years prior to that. Fortunately I never quite made it to the point of having to sleep outside, though there were plenty of times it got close, and spent most of that time living out of cheap motels & extended stay housing while working towards getting enough money together for my surgery, but as far as any landlord or potential renter is concerned, I was for all intents & purposes homeless during that time, and that's....not great when trying to secure housing in the middle of a pandemic right after basically starting your life over from scratch after the surgery to fix the problem that basically derailed your entire life, lol. Not to mention my credit score was practically nonexistent, all my credit cards were maxed out to pay for the surgery & insurance, my driver's license had been expired for years due to not being even able to drive while I had my issues w/my jaw & everything related to that, and getting it back was easier said than done because I'd had like, two unpaid parking tickets at the time of my medical issues beginning & they kinda completely dropped out of sight, out of mind, only to multiply w/fees that were fucking ridiculous to contemplate & going down to the DMV or traffic court to try and argue them down, while my medical issues were still ongoing, was a nonstarter due to how little travel I was capable of in that state....

LOL. Not a great starting point when rebooting for Kalen 2.0 - and of course I'm not going to get into why we had to use my ID & everything for renting & all that, instead of Moukie's, just trust that there were Reasons.

And of course there are programs to help people out with these kinds of circumstances, which is basically what we've been doing since January 2022....navigating that labyrinth of red tape, because actually ACCESSING those programs, proving eligibility, meeting all requirements, keeping consistent with all requirements throughout the months of waiting on a verdict from higher-ups your file's been passed up the chain to....MUCH easier said than done. The hoops are just. The stuff of legends. Especially when you're still having trouble consistently staying stocked on the meds you need to be productive & functional, or even just keeping your phone active. Oof. All of that was very Not Fun.

Which segues into a bit of that venting I was talking about, because over & over the past couple years we've had well-meaning (and not so well-meaning & largely just obnoxious) people asking us in response to our donation posts like, well why don't we just move to a cheaper city? LOL. I just. I wish people would stop to think that maybe if there's such an obvious solution that someone hasn't availed themselves to yet, there's probably a REASON for that.

We actually had several. For starters, there's the fact that I still have stuff related to my jaw to deal with....I still have no teeth, lol, and haven't really been able to even START getting the bone grafts I need to be able to get implants at some point, so I'm not stuck with dentures for the next fifty years....and it took me literal years to find dentists familiar with my situation, willing to work with me on payment plans & longterm strategizing, etc.....not that easy to just start over with all of that in another, smaller city. Not to mention if I do have any problems with my prosthetic, LA's one of the only places that has ANY surgeons that deal with this specific kind of jaw replacement surgery, so I'd always have to come back here for any further medical related stuff.

But then there's additionally the fact that all those programs meant to help people like us who are literally trying to restart their lives after medical issues, homelessness, etc.....they're pretty much all specific to their own city. They're all contingent on each individual city's resources, services, populations and a million other details.....so moving to a different city basically means having to start all over again with applying to THAT city's housing aid programs & navigating THAT city's bureaucracy from its beginning & forfeiting however much time or progress you've put in already in the city you're currently in. And frankly, most cities don't HAVE as good of aid programs as LA does....its just...it takes fucking forever to actually make full USE of such programs, as evident from the fact that after almost two years, we're only FINALLY to the point where one of those programs has been able to actionably help us secure longterm housing.

(And also there's the fact that when we don't even have enough money for groceries, how cheap do people thinking picking up and moving to another city actually IS? Like. You need starter money to even GET there & get on your feet or you wind up in an even worse situation than we were in).

But honestly, we didn't have it so bad, we have been able to stay housed & working various odd jobs for the past two years....its just been long, and stressful, never actually knowing when or even IF we'd get to the point where we stopped worrying about being kicked out at any given moment, and there were times that looking for housing or trying to deal with bureaucratic red tape was the equivalent of a full time job, in terms of hours required.

All of which is to say....be aware when assuming the worst of various donation posts & their posters, that except in the case of actual scammers, no matter what you may think of how a particular donation request was worded or described their situation, its almost always VASTLY more complicated than can be summed up in a couple of easy to read paragraphs that might actually get people to help. I promise you, if super obvious solutions seem evident to you, they've occurred to the people living with that situation 24/7, and there's a reason that they haven't tried that solution or maybe they even did & for whatever reason it didn't actually work out.

And that said, all of this is also to say just....thank you again for everyone who's helped us out over the years. I know it often seems unending or like we're never getting our acts together, lol, but trust me, it feels that way to us too, times a million, and like....we're working on it. Its just. Much easier said than done. For every hurdle cleared, there's usually another one waiting to pop up like a fucking whack-a-mole game from Hell. Since January 2022 we've been consistently working towards a longterm, stable housing situation and this is it, this is what we were working towards.....we've been fully approved for relocation to the other site for the next year & then returning to this one after construction/renovation, w/a lease agreement for the next five years.....and that's the dream, honestly.

Genuine stability, not having to worry about whether we'll have to move at any given moment, actual housing security....allowing us to FINALLY focus on building our lives back up, instead of constantly grinding just to keep a roof over our head & make sure nobody's about to kick us out....and having the room to breathe & for the first time in literal years (in my case, almost seven at this point) actually prioritize something OTHER than figuring out where we stand on paperwork, filing, tracking down various liaisons to bug them yet again about an accurate timeline for when we'd be notified of whether or not we'd been approved for this program or that one, when we'd actually be relocating, when we had to make x payment by to ensure we didn't lose our qualified status, etc.

And I, for one, definitely can not WAIT to give more of a shit about the absolute stupidest shit imaginable instead of like....warily checking the hall to see if new eviction notices popped up overnight. LMAO.

Anyway. Like I said, we finally have our agreement in writing, we know where we're relocating to, and as soon as that actually happens - which they keep insisting should be any day now, sigh - we'll finally be in a much better place. As part of the relocation program we landed in, our rent at the other site is covered during the year this site is under construction, so already just from that alone we'll be much better off financially.

Moukie's been sending around a donation post this month, and we'll probably keep it circulating up until the day the movers arrive and they finally pull the trigger on us leaving this site, because for the last three months they've been insisting that October 2nd was absolutely going to be our last day here, and we planned around that timetable....meaning that since October 2nd came and went with us still here, our only jobs at the moment are whatever freelance ones we can scrounge up, since the new place is far enough away a commute to & from a workplace around HERE wouldn't be viable, so I can't even go look for a new one to replace the last one until we're actually in the area we'll be spending next year in, lol. So in the meanwhile we've basically been surviving off donations since freelance work is painfully dry at the moment, and as it is, the company Moukie does editing work for still hasn't paid them for their last job yet, which was back in September, I believe? Its ridiculous, but it is what it is.

So yeah, we'll keep that post circulating a bit longer til we're out of here for good, basically just for food money until we're settled in the new place & can grab a new 9-5 and I would say something about that damn patreon I'm always claiming I'll make except I am a Proven Liar Not To Be Trusted On That Subject at this point, but hey, once we're in the new place, maybe that will finally change.

That's basically everything I set out to ramble about, I think, so....I'm done. Wait. Lemme check - yeah, no, that's it, I'm good. I've said it before but it'll never stop being true: we would not have survived if it weren't for the kindness of strangers & the help of mutuals & followers & we really are so much more appreciative of it than I can ever adequately express. I know that can come across as lip service, but genuinely, people here have done more for us and to help us and to see us succeed than our families ever did and we've been reduced to ugly-crying more than once as a result. Its gotten bad, guys. Like. When I go all out, it's not a pretty sight. I've got that pale Irish skin that gets all splotchy when I'm emotional, my nose gets all stopped up, I make scrunchy faces like a baby that KNOWS its not as pretty as its parents keep trying to pretend and is out to prove it....its a whole mess.

And on that note - and imagery - I'm officially done here. Thanks for reading!

[depressedhatakekakashi]

I was watching youtube shorts and in this one it had a random anime about a mad king, and a prince murdering him. And it dropped the coldest exchange ever. And I'd love if it was used during Rogue Gai's time, when the Mad King is finally defeated. (Will reveal in a secon XD!)

That King does not go down quietly. He's shivering in fear, anger and outrage. He is the king. Kakazu's chosen to rule. The gods gave him this title because he was born perfect! Extraordinary! Better than any other mortal soul that ever existed. He is Lord Katashi (the second!)!!!!

Imagine if it's Lee he's facing. He sees the dark eyes, the heavy brows just like his own. He learned this is Leona's child! His Mistress! The one who was "bearing his child" that was lost after birth almost 18 years ago. Now it was revealed that the boy was taken by the God of Storms as an infant, and raised by his most hated enemy. The Rogue Gai, whom he killed just 2 years ago. That means this boy must be his!!!! He yells one last time to make this man- see reason.

"Don't you know what that makes me?!"

"History."

And just like that, Lee cuts the Mad King down in cold blood, not listening to his pleas/ orders to see his "parentage." Lee had a father... and he lost him 2 years ago.

Now, the Mad King Katashi has finally been defeated. There were no siblings, cousins, aunts or uncles, as the king had them executed years ago. Seeing them as a threat to his reign and only wanting his own heirs to succeed him... but never having any. Now his tyranny and family line has come to an end, the madness is over once and for all.

After his death, the rain starts to fall on Tonika for the first time in two years. And Leona declares her son and his new order King. By right of conquest.

A new age has begun... An age of peace. And freedom for the people.

I like to imagine that is the last time Lee will ever have to weild his sword... and he never has to take a life again after avenging his true father. Maybe instead "Inigo Montoya" moment... OH maybe it can be both:

*epic swordfight where King Katashi (the 2nd) is trying to make Lee see reason. That Lee is fighting his "father!"*

Kig: *disarmed!* Don't you know what that makes me?!

Lee: History. *stab* Now offer me money.

King: Yes.

Lee: *stab again!* Power me to. Promise me that.

King: All that I have and more. Please. My son...

Lee: Offer me anything I ask for. *slight change in stance.*

King: Anything you want- *SNEAK ATTACK.*

Lee: *Block. Stabs the King's Heart. Makes sure to grab the man's head so they're eye to eye. He wants to see the light leave this "man's" eyes* I want my father back you son of a bitch.

And scene... what do you think?

I don’t think Lee is vengeful or hateful enough to do an Inigo, which is sad because it IS funny, but also not something gai would choose to teach

Even if he believes the king should suffer, he would always promote one quick hit. A kill on stick, no torture or playing around

He will not fall to the kinds statue and he does not want that for his son either

But also, Lee knowing exaftly what the king might try to say because Kakashi did visit him again after Fai’s death, and he made sure Lee knew that others could mistake him for being the kings son

Lee of course insists it doesn’t matter because Gai raised him, but Kakashi clarified that Gai is both his parental figure AND his biological son

Kakashi did not steal the kings son. He took Lee and gave him to his rightful father

And that’s something Lee will always thank him for because he shivers at the thought of being raised to be cruel and hateful like the king. To adore money instead of people.

[cloud-ya]

Only loosely aware of Honkai Impact, but saw some posts that sounded interesting. Who is Elysia and why is she apparently bad?

oh boi, what have you just triggered

be wary of spoilers!

General Information: Elysia is a side character from Honkai's mode Elysian Realm, which presents a simulated environment with sims of 13 warriors called Flamechasers from the time 50000 years before the main story, known as the Previous Era. she's ranked the 2nd Flamechaser - she was meant to be the 1st, but she gave up that title to someone else. as story progresses she's revealed to be the Herrscher of Origin (or Humanity or Ego, I don't know which title is used the most), basically the first Herrscher to exist and who sacrificed herself to make sure other people who turn into Herrschers remain their free will and are able to fight for humanity instead of Honkai.

(if I got anything wrong or you don't understand something, please refer to @phoenix-is-the-hottest-thing - they're our Elysian Realm lore master)

now for reasons why people consider her bad:

Bad Writing: Elysia is a shallowly written Mary Sue. Honkai has had two if not more cases of releasing Mary Sue-ish characters and while the first one ended up fine enough with all her stuff explained and executed well, Elysia ended up being a victim of Mihoyo's degrading writing quality as she was getting more and more shallow. all the characters end up being written into loving and complimenting her unconditionally and for no reason, even those who were initially sceptical and/or openly unfriendly to her.

Behaviour: she's written as someone who doesn't understand the concept of personal space, or maybe rather as someone who thinks everyone is about as friendly as her and don't mind her getting as close as she wants. she's overly friendly, touchy and even egoistic, because usually when she happens to give some compliment back it's just "you're as pretty as me". Some of dialogues with her might trigger someone with unwanted touch or never-taken-seriously trauma, at least in my case.

Fanservice: female Flamechasers were unfortunately written and designed with mostly fanservice in mind, and Elysia is no different. the design itself isn't bad, it's about as much revealing as your average female gacha game character. her personality though is clearly created for people who just want touchy anime waifu or watch some yuri given how much she keeps touching Mei (even though Mei is really not pleased with it). devs don't even try to hide it.

Cash Cow: Mihoyo did notice Elysia sells well and they're not discreet about shoving her everywhere just to get that extra money. Honkai has a trio of protagonists who are often portrayed together, but few times they even replaced one with Elysia just so she gathers some more attention than Bronya would. the shoving gets as far as making Raiden Mei's new battlesuit based fully on Elysia, almost erasing everything that's unique about her.

Retconning: there are a lot of retcons happening in new chapters, and Elysia is a subject of one (if not more) of them. the retcon refers to her sacrifice for Herrschers' free will - you see, people are known for gaining an evil alter ego when becoming Herrschers and/or lose control of themselves succumbing to Honkai's control and desire for destruction. Elysia and information about her sacrifice popped out like some sort of Deux ex machina, and her sacrifice contradicts what is shown in earlier chapters because according to its description Current Era Herrschers shouldn't have alter egos or be controlled by Honkai after it.

[monkey-network]

Good Stuff: Nimona

or How to Not Worry & Channel Your Inner Limp Bizkit

In the year before 2020, it was announced that Blue Sky Studios was adapting ND Stevenson's hit graphic novel. Everything changed though when Disney was on that bullshit post-Fox buyout, where to our surprise Blue Sky and Nimona would be shut down. The latter's cancellation hit especially hard understanding it was almost finished anyways, but that's Disney for you. Long as you don't say gay and give 'em your money, they'll stay out of the way. Leave it to Netflix to let the film rebound from Super Hell and finally make it to both the big and small screen; makes you forget they're garbage at anything else. All in all, Blue Sky had the last laugh one more time but was Nimona able to bring the flavorful fireworks or did we get a weak flare that fumbled before the 4th of July?

Well, I will declare now that the film... is fun. If it wasn't fun, that means Disney made it and would remake it live-action around 2040. This film is a ride-or-die by its titular protagonist and lads, I can't lie...

PROTECT. THIS. GODDAMN. SMILE.

Nimona is both a bundle of chaotic joy and an entity that deserved far better. She's like the manifestation of Limp Bizkit, 2000s punk, and B-tier shitposting rolled into an unapologetic but deeply frustrated rebel. I've seen naysayers before release going, "She's another attitude girl archetype" and like no. She has that raw gremlin bastard energy, but she's never an annoying bitch and that's big difference. The best thing is that you're with Ballister in getting to know her; it surprisingly hard for folk to be accepting of somebody harmless who's more comfortable with themselves than anyone lets on. She's not a character I felt forced to sympathize with nor was intrusive on Ballister's story. She's not exactly the focus, but she earned being the star of this movie.

I got major Haruhi and Kyon vibes from their dynamic and it's great

Plotwise, there's a good flow to it all that makes this rewatchable thrill. If there's one major gripe I have is that while Nimona and Ballister have a great dynamic, there's a part in the 2nd act involving them and the villain that was a bit rushed. I will admit to not have read the book, but while I do know the tone is different given they were probably going for an all age rating, I say things didn't feel too compromised. My mind is blown enough that we got an animated kids movie with two, COUNT 'EM TWO, openly queer protagonists. No winks and nudges towards Ballister being gay, no scatterbrained subtlety on Nimona's genderfluid existence, and thank balls their story exists as more than being a preachy memoir. These two get to just BE and live to go on a crime spree justice adventure. That is what I've wanted for longer than any of you think and this delivered. Any criticisms I could have I felt was diluted by the actual fun this was.

And if you've seen Iron Giant, you probably will love this movie

To conclude, I am wondering of a timeline where this wasn't originally cancelled and Blue Sky didn't get axed. This was as much their movie as it is Annapurna and DNEG who helped finish it. People said it looked "unfinished" but then again, given the situation I can cut it some slack because it still plays out gorgeously. Like you know Blue Sky got most of it done, but you think about the changes in direction and ponder if this was the best outcome for the film. It is poetic though, a phoenix forced to burn out but gets to revive as a stronger, if not more so, being that people finally get to see. For Nate, this is undoubtedly a dream come true. As for me, not since Puss in Boots The Last Wish have I been delighted to call this a...

9/10 ABSOLUTE BANGER

[bigjimbopickens]

hi sorry to bother you i know this is like a dead issue now but i was a massive fan of kevin before the hogwarts legacy shit, i’m a trans guy and i stopped watching him because of it. i really miss his content though, his channel is pretty much all the games i like and my sense of humour, but i feel so conflicted about wanting to go back to his content. i was just curious what your thought process was around rejoining the cult? i know it’s kinda weird to ask now since it’s been like 6 months since it happened but i feel really weird about it.

also like. no pressure to answer i don’t know if this is crossing a line or anything sorry

It’s okay don’t worry :) enough time has passed, to me at least. Tbh this is the first I’ve heard about this in a while lol.

It’s okay to feel conflicted. I don’t speak for everyone here but everyone I talk to regularly has forgiven him but won’t forget that this happened.

I do believe he learned from this, he hasn’t done anything HP related since then, besides for a few ps1 Hagrid cameos (which is fine, ps1 Hagrid has been a channel meme for a while). I just hope this doesn’t age poorly.

What started getting me back was a bit after the apology post I noticed that other YouTubers were doubling down on their decisions or just not saying anything, including ones I used to respect. Even though I wished Kevin did more than just a Reddit post, I’m glad he didn’t stay silent and admitted he fucked up. His intention wasn’t malicious, unlike a lot of other creators, which is why I was more forgiving with him compared to others. Though I still lost a lot of respect which was regained over time.

Oddly enough what got me to really respect him again was his video on those American Superpastors and Megachurches. Having grown up in one (though in Canada, they exist here but aren’t as big) it was very healing. He couldn’t say it because he didn’t want to get sued, but he was very heavily implying that he believes it’s all a huge scam and they’re exploiting people. But he’s right, I’ve witnessed it myself. Never would’ve expected him to make a video like that and be so bold with it. I’m glad Europeans see what goes on here and think “what the fuck?!” Great video definitely recommend.

Other than that, mainly just enough time passed where I no longer feel that way. I missed the sense of community which is why I rejoined the fandom but it’s not my main one anymore. I mostly do my own thing these days. It was awesome going to Vancoufur as Werewolf Jim and meeting CMK fans there too, I could’ve sworn I was the only British Columbian in the entire fandom. Though I don’t fully trust the fandom still, mainly people I don’t recognize. But not anyone here, Tumblr isn’t really the site for those people.

Not much else has really changed in his content, just no more HP videos in general (as of July 22, 2023) and the fast-paced editing has mostly stopped. He now only uploads on Mondays, Thursdays and Saturdays now + any 2nd channel content, song covers or streams. The community has changed a lot though. The Reddit protests caused the subreddit to shut down so it’s gone, so there’s now no longer one big gathering spot besides Discord, which is the one side of the community I’m not in.

It’s really your choice if you wanna start watching again, anonymous user. Do whatever makes you happy :)

Since this is related, I haven’t heard a thing about HL since February. It really was just a mid game that was only popular because it was controversial. Transphobes really spent a lot of money on this, they’re the real losers. I know single player games get less players overtime but a lot of them still get talked about, replayed or are still relevant. Idk just my thoughts. If you really want a magic game with custom spells, play Oblivion’s Mages Guild questline or modded Skyrim.

Also sorry if I got back to this so late. I haven’t had a stable connection for a while until now. I’ve been away, escaping wildfires. Average Canadian summer activities.

[cabellrosa]

[ josé ramón barreto, he/him, cis man ] — was that CABELL ROSALES? the TWENTY NINE year old is a LORD, how exciting to see them this season! rumors have it they are SENSITIVE and ARTISTIC, but i’ve heard they are DIM and TOO TRUSTING as well — maybe that’s why they’ve been called the ROMANTIC. I have even heard that HE IS ONLY PRETENDING TO BE VIRTUOUS —only time will tell.

name: Cabell Rosales

age: 29

birthday: August 2nd

sign: leo

orientation: bisexual

family: Manuel Rosales (father), Anais Rosales (mother), a younger brother and sister

title: Lord Rosales

label: The Romantic

LORD ROSALES — romantic: a person with romantic beliefs or attitudes

Cabell and the Rosales family owned land back in Ecuador, though now their primary residence and most of their accounts are in England today. They could have sold the land back home, but it's mainly crops that help working class earn a living and contribute to the area's agriculture, and they would hate to see it in anyone else's hands, or worse, plowed away. Besides, it gives them an excuse to continue to travel back to Ecuador when they wish.

Back there, the Rosales family felt more at ease and comfortable to knock elbows with anyone in their city, and have always felt like everyone they met was family or friend. It was the country the family built their name in from the ground up, eventually gaining enough acclaim and money to make business even all the way in England thanks to the efforts of Cabell's grandparents.

His grandparents and parents alike implored the importance or respect and hard work, and Cabell grew up knowing how to tend to soil, mend carriages, and raise animals. It came naturally to him, anything that he could do with his hands, and honestly felt like a better use of his time when he struggled to keep up with lessons in the classroom. In England, he knew he couldn't exactly brandish those skills as easily as he could in Ecuador, but he could at least find time to garden or work with the horses.

He had always been a more sensitive soul, someone who always wished to see the best in people and in the world around him. He cared what made people tick, why they did the things they did, wanted to hear their stories and their dreams. He found that the people of England tended to keep their desires and agendas close to their chests, and he understood it had to do with how thin the pane of glass they all stood on in proper society was. Still, he wished they could let their hearts be known as freely as he tried to let his be.

Cabell was the kind of man that followed his heart in all affairs, with as much help from his brain as he could get. It meant that he did his best to live up to the man his parents needed him to be, but that he walked into the world ready to be met with the sun. He loved people, and felt that he always gave away a little bit of his heart to every pair of glittering eyes that made him smile.

Sometime in his mid-twenties, however, he gave away his whole heart. She was a breath of fresh air, something like he'd never seen before. He had always expected to meet the right person and spend time earning their love and their life, courting them and eventually wedding his perfect soulmate. He had wanted to court her right, but something about each other brought the two of them in fits of passion, unable to let each other go, unable to spend minutes apart. It was a beautiful and quick love affair, and before they knew it, they had been each other's first. But just like that, it was over, and suddenly she didn't want him anymore. He couldn't know if it was because of the night they'd shared or if something else had made her change her mind, but Cabell knew to swallow his heartbreak and let her make her choice, promising to keep the secret of her virtue, and watched her leave him with a bigger piece of his heart than most had ever shared.

It took him a while to recover, but he tried not to let it change his outlook on the world, and after healing most of his heart, he still feels such a joy for life.

His younger sister debuts into society this season, and so he's mainly preoccupied with making sure she has everything she needs and watching after her in her journey, or helping instruct his brother in the practices and business of their family and how to be a respectable young man, or being a good friend to the people of the ton. However, if you asked his parents, they might suggest wishes that their darling son would focus on himself and maybe even find a match of his own.

—

hello strud here again and as always i am head empty. as far as wcs the only specific things i can think of are the girl who got away and maybe any siblings down the line! other than that i'm up for most anything, all u need to know is cabell is a romantic little himbo <3

[leatherbookmark]

a tag reply to this poll in a post form, because i forgot tumblr eats tags :(

we don't know anything about either of the nie mothers... but honestly any of them living would probably make the situation better for the new sect leader!nmj. he would probably still die of the saber illness, but at least he would have had a mom, although i'm not sure if a nie mom still living would have changed anything re: nhs's revenge. would she encourage him? discourage? or would she one day ask sect leader jin for a talk because she's worried about a-sang and like... put poison in his tea? idk!

the inclusion of xy's mom is interesting, because this is like the first mention of her i've EVER seen in this fandom. i do obviously think he would lead a happier life if he wasn't a homeless orphan. and i do want him to be happy! but at the same time. i'm sorry to say it. but i do love crunchy little bastard a-yang. it's a bit like those aus where mme lan escapes with the lads in tow and cssr+wcz survive as well, and they somehow pick up ms with a-yao and they all raise their kids as wandering cultivators and everyone's happy. like YEAH but where's the crunch! the emotional issues! it's kinda boring when no one's insane(ly troubled) :0 s-sorry;;

cssr... are we only saving her or her and wcz? well, either way wwx doesn't end up at the lotus pier, and both he and the jiang siblings probably have less Troubled minds. maybe they're still friends because i guess yzy wouldn't mind THAT much if jfm's Very Much Married friends came for a visit. yknow as compared to... the actual situation

mme lan is actually interesting because we don't really know what would happen to her if she. well. didn't die (for whatever reason). like, iirc in mdzs qhj died after the wens attacked the cloud recesses, and i think he was still in seclusion during that time. this could mean that mme lan's situation would be similar. just... locked away and unable to leave even when her sons are of age. now it would be interesting if she used the wens' attack to run away on her own (if it was possible). maybe she and lxc could have ran away together and now THAT'S an idea for a fic!! i doubt she'd want to go back to the cloud recesses after the war so i think lxc could just... help her settle somewhere and visit her, with lwj or jgy, from time to time. idr if she was a wandering cultivator like cssr or if that's fanon, but she could do whatever she wanted! finally for the first time in Twenty Fucking Years !! GOOD FOR HER.

MENG SHI... i'm seeing some voices that meng shi surviving would make everything much much less murdery which... i'm not so sure! i don't think meng yao the meng yao could have earned enough money to buy his mother's meds AND pay off her debt to the brothel. in this case even if meng shi lives to find out the great cultivator jgs had her son (his son!) kicked down the stairs of the jlt, and changes her mind about him... jgy still desperately needs to free his mother and still make her proud. and the jin sect is the richest. it's entirely possible he still strives to be accepted only to commit Fraud and pocket 1/4th of a golden napkin fund to free his mother and buy her a safe and comfortable house somewhere. and then he'd still need the money to send her.

he probably would have chosen to kill jgs earlier and in a different way -- or maybe he wouldn't kill him at all if his mother was there to tell him that it doesn't matter and that it seems jgs never cared about them after all. maybe jgy would just resign himself to working himself to the bone for a father that gives less of a fuck about him than the nie captain/jin commander/etc! because he can’t really... quit, because in his case, after all he’s already done, with all he already knows about jgs and his ambitions, you can’t really walk away because you’re a potential danger! even as a son of a sex worker! not that a kicked out of the jinlintai for the 2nd time!jgy would be particularly revenge-focused, but. still.

also, if jgy decided to “quit” and still lived, somehow, either way his good opinion would be pretty much ruined. if jgs gets rid of his heroic bastard who won the war, there must be something REALLY wrong with him. i imagine it would be rather difficult to find a well-paying job in circumstances like these. on the other hand... lxc could offer both jgy and ms free living quarters in the cloud recesses, as thanks for saving his life and rebuilding his home. jgy wouldn’t be the ~lan-furen~ (sighing forever that the fandom is so set on using this term but ah well) but rather a regular disciple, or perhaps a guest disciple. i... think this would be better than nothing? and as a disciple, he could still technically rise thanks to his own merit and not because someone Up There feels this or that way about him. success!

of course, a perfect situation is jgy shanking jgs earlier and in a slightly different way, but even then i’m wondering because like... i’m not sure if everyone in jinlintai would be ok with jgy installing ~a prostitute~ in there as the current sect leader’s honourable mother. on the other hand, i don’t want jgy to be forced to send her off somewhere safe but remote! i want them to be together! on the other other hand there’s still the qin su situation. although maybe like... maybe meng shi could help there? i don’t know. wait, what was the question again

IN CONCLUSION i would save them all, just because i want them to live (duh) and everyone deserves a living mom who loves them. BUT the poll is merciless, so if i have to choose i’d like to pick an option that’s the most interesting to me, and that’s mama lan and meng shi. and meng shi wins, but not by a large margin! in my dreams there is a long, good fic where they both live :’)

[slimshvdy]

here we go, i’m just gonna hope i can make some internet friends.

so,

my name is tanner. i’m a bloke i’m single af and married 😎 i’m based in australia. (and no, homie we cannot tell what happens and who dies because we’re one day ahead of u americans.) i was born on april 2nd , 2008. (omg my birthday is in 11 days .) i’m OBSESSED with olivia rodrigo (if you couldn’t tell already) and jenna ortega. i’m mainly gonna post anything i feel like on here (yes i will do posts abt liv and jenna) anyway, i listen to heaps of music and most of its a combination of rap and pop music. i like to listen to olivia rodrigo, sofaygo, playboi carti, kerser, chillinit, huskii, jack harlow, freewyo, travis scott, don toliver, and heaps more!! i like a few movies. i used to be shyt scared of scary movies and now i can’t get enough of them. like, i watched scream 5 like august/october last year and i loved scary movies after that (and omg scream 6 was amazing) i recently watch scream 6 & scream 1. (the original.) and they’re all really good. i watched scream 6 with my aunty, nan & cousin. when it started i got like, heaps of adrenaline (please don’t think i’m crazy.) i play a few video games. i used to play a whole lot of fortnite. honestly died in me o really can’t get back into that game anymore. i play minecraft. and a lot of car games. i run a jenna page on instagram and soon gonna hopefully start a liv page ♡ my favourite songs rn are: jealousy jealousy by liv, got damn! by faygo, never seen me fall (ft. jean.) by kerser, mama by rudy mancuso, servo by huskii, and kids are growing up by the kid laroi (hopefully he drops wjh soon 😿) i’m currently studying street art, money counts, and forensic science in school. i don’t have many friends anymore, i mean. i talk to some of my old friends from primary school. (which is like 3) i also think thats the main reason i’m antisocial and always in my own world all the time. i’ve always had a small circle of friends. like if i could, i still wouldn’t want a heap of friends. i recently cut someone off (bc they weren’t the most honest and nicest person. they also believed rumours that weren’t true.) which makes my circle even smaller. one of my best friends would be my cousin for the most part. like they’re cool. and i can trust them lol. which it’s usually the opposite with most people. i was in my first relationship from Sunday, October 30th it ended on Saturday 28th if January this year. i won’t lie, i loved her i just personally think i’m better off by myself. that’s all i’ma say, let me know if you have any questions / concerns. :)

[jodilin65]

SATURDAY, APRIL 28, 2001 Not a very exciting selection of DOs for my final 1st and 2nd shift. We had shitface Mejia on, and now Redpath’s on. I wonder – will Temple make it in tonight? I’d settle for Pérez or Tate, if not.

Thanks to being too wound up and excited to sleep, and thanks to Baldilocks and her fucking mouth, I’m dead tired. I’ve been up since around 10:00, and I hope to nap sometime today, but I’m just too excited!

According to Misha, friends and relatives can help with community service. That’s good, but I wasn’t happy to hear that we might have to pay for those joke classes they want me to take. Every time I think the freeloaders have taken all the money they’re going to take from us, I turn around and there’s another thing we gotta dole out money for on account of them! It never ends!

Sometimes I wish I had a peephole into the future and could take a quick peek 5 years from now. What will my life be like then? The same? Better? Worse? Will we have a pool? Porches? Horses? Fences? Will Teddy Bear be a part of my life? Will the freeloaders?

I was utterly stunned to learn that Misha has no kids. I thought I was the only one here that didn’t. She says she’s going to have them as soon as she leaves.

That’s not the way it works.

Anyway, I’m left to forever wonder – what would Teddy Bear have said or done differently if Misha hadn’t been in the picture?

When I told her I believed she was the main reason I was meant to be here, she seemed truly flattered, saying, “Oh, how sweet.”

From down in the dayroom, I noticed her ring was gone.

I wonder if I had anything to do with that.

She was telling me they call her Means. I guess it’s because of the red hair, but I could personally slap anyone who called her Means. Means is short and ugly with short hair and glasses. Teddy Bear’s tall and good-looking with long hair and no glasses. How can people be stupid enough to mix them up just because they’re both redheads?

On her last walk, when I went to tell her why I believed this was all meant to happen, she seemed reluctant to open the door at first. It was as if she was afraid I’d grab her and hug her or something. She said to give her my hand when she opened the door. I did and she shook it and she wished me good luck.

Doesn’t she know that I know better, though? I know inmates and DOs aren’t allowed to hug. I think she thinks I’m dumb or something, but I’d rather her think I’m some brainless idiot than to have her screw me over.

God, please look out for my Teddy Bear! Please don’t let her get harmed if there are any riots, and please don’t let her get sick or in any accidents.

Well, I’m going to try to nap now, or at least just lay there. I’ll relax and listen to music till it’s time, after spending 180 days in this place, for A638593 to roll up for the final time!

FRIDAY, APRIL 27, 2001 She’s here!!! Yes, my woman did make it back, after all. I figured she would.

Woodruff worked for the first time ever. The one that was rude to me at Visitation. She was very nice to me today, though.

Baldilocks woke Misha and I up, but I managed to sleep on and off till 12:30 when our hour out came up. I shaved and washed my hair in case I’m too tired to go out tomorrow.

I gave Tiffany a few extra pieces of paper and I wrote: Be quiet and don’t beg!

She laughed at that one.

Anyway, my woman was smiling brightly when she saw me waiting at the door for her when she came through the door.

“Is this the day?” she asks, but I know she knows better. Just one more full day!

I gave her the kite and the rat picture that lived in the door for the last few weeks. She was happy to receive them.

I tried to ease any concerns she may’ve had about us talking, by letting her know Misha sleeps a lot, and she said, “Oh, she doesn’t mind?”

She hasn’t checked out the properties yet, she said, because her other job threw more work at her.

She just did her third walk, offering Tylenol. I asked if she requested to be here, and she confirmed that she did. She said she tried to get in yesterday, but couldn’t, and doesn’t know where she’ll be tomorrow.

I wonder what she said to get in here. Certainly, she couldn’t have come out and said, “Well, there’s this inmate I like that also likes me that’s leaving soon…”

She’s been busy moving people on her last couple of walks. One of the Mexican girls is freaking out right now. Teddy Bear just asked her something in Spanish, but all I could hear was “por que.”

Before this, she passed by while I was on the bed browsing through papers, and she goes, “Hey, Dawn,” in a soft, singsong sort of voice, then said a few more words I couldn’t make out before moving on.

I’d have to be hit by a Mac truck not to know she likes me.

Wow! That’s the first time I was complimented on my many gray hairs! I always hated them because these gray hairs don’t look like normal gray hairs. The fucking things look like spider webs. They’re so shiny that it looks like I walked into a giant web or something. Anyway, I asked for her opinion on whether or not I should dye my hair red, and should I go with auburn or a bright, pinkish shade of red, and she said she always thought my gray hairs were so attractive because I have the perfect coloring for that salt and pepper look, and it goes well with my blue-green eyes (which I pointed out are really olive). She said she liked that because they’re unusual. I told her I like her brown eyes which are the color of weak coffee, and often wished my own eyes were brown.

Normally I don’t like red hair, but hers is gorgeous. I don’t like bright fiery red or orangey-red. Hers isn’t like that. It’s a softer shade of red with beautiful gold highlights.

True to Misha’s word, she’s been sleeping ever since Teddy Bear came on (or at least pretending to). She’s not very happy right now. She really counted on getting out of here Wednesday and hasn’t gotten her psych meds.

Although I’ve heard Teddy Bear yell at a few people, it hasn’t seemed to put a damper on her jovial mood. She said she hasn’t read the kite yet because they’ve all been driving her crazy and keeping her busy.

They picked the wrong fucking night for this shit! And why couldn’t Misha have disappeared just until 3rd shift?

I hear Marla bitching at her right now.

Mace the bitch, Teddy Bear!

Dios mios! Miss Mexico’s crying again now, too. Water and electricity don’t mix. Why don’t you zap those tears away, Teddy Bear!

I know I sound so mean and insensitive, seeing that I was pretty hysterical myself when I first came here. I just needed that fucking inhaler, and everything went wrong that day so I got fed up.

My second to last dinner was this gross meat patty of some kind in runny, bland mashed potatoes that neither of us ate. I’m sure my last dinner will be hot dogs.

Although Misha only got up for dinner, then made earplugs and went back to sleep, Teddy Bear admitted she had been a little hesitant there, but I assured her she couldn’t hear shit, and she chatted with me. That is after things simmered down.

She doesn’t blush anymore with me. Misha thinks it’s because she’s comfortable with me now.

Misha thinks she smokes. I hope not! But I don’t think so. Her teeth are too white for that. I don’t think she even drinks coffee. I never smell smoke on her. I never smell anything on her. No perfume or anything like that. No drugs or alcohol that I can sense, either.

I asked Teddy Bear why she didn’t have more of an accent being from Georgia, and she said she was not originally from there. I asked her where she was originally from and she said California.

Unfortunately, her bird’s sick. I guess the AC got to it, so she put it outside. That bird’s going to die. I saw it, but I didn’t tell her. How sad, though. I hope she finds another one she likes that’ll live longer.

When we came up with our dinner trays, I told her to let me know when it was her final walk, so I could tell her something that I wanted to wait till then to tell her. She said OK, and smiled happily.

I’ve never seen this woman smile so much. I swear she’s been acting like she won the lottery for the last few weeks.

I showed and explained to her about my ear from the surgery I had in Boston in the 70s to build an outer ear, to dismantling it in ‘94 and getting the surgically drilled canal. I told her that although they built an eardrum, I didn’t get shit for hearing in that ear, but am used to it because it’s always been that way.

She said she’s seen my ear before.

She has? Must’ve been when I had it pulled back in a ponytail.

She said I did really well with the Spanish in my kite.

I told her the names of those who I thought were the worst and best-looking DOs. When I said she was one of the best, she said, “How sweet.”

There is one thing Misha and I actually agree on and that’s that we don’t think she’ll wait a whole year. I think she’ll contact me before Christmas. She’s definitely not going to contact me within a few months because she’s testing me. Just like I tested her, she’s got to make sure I’m for real. Seeing is believing for most of us, and she’s got to see that I’m not some psycho stalker and that I don’t return here like most of them do.

The reason I tested her by telling her things like how I broke my arm, my ear, and my driving phobia, was to make sure she knew up front that I’m different, although the jumping out windows isn’t that unique. More people try to kill themselves than feel uncomfortable driving or have 1½ outer ears, 1 fake ear canal, and no hearing on one side. So far, I’d say her accepting people as they are is one of her best traits. That and her sense of humor and her being so brainy. I wonder how many languages she knows.

Misha and I have been debating all kinds of things about her like a couple of trial lawyers. It’s pretty funny. Besides, what else have we got better to do?

Anyway, her best physical qualities are her height, her eyes, that nice, firm ass and believe it or not, I really do like her hair color. It’s hard to tell in her uniform, but I think she might have nice legs, too. It’s as if anything that’s a part of her suddenly becomes beautiful. If she’d been a blond, she’d make that seem beautiful too, and I was never a fan of blond hair, either.

As far as window-jumping and funny ears go, she seems to be pretty accepting and doesn’t seem like the type to judge me by my past or anything like that. Even so, I probably won’t tell her too much more about my back east life. Too many people have either gotten uncomfortable with it or thought I was seeking their pity. What was I to do, though, when people would ask about my life? Lie? I don’t think so, and besides, they asked. So if they couldn’t handle the answer, that was their problem. I could care less about what 99% of the population thinks about anything as far as my past or present goes. I’ll tell a complete stranger my life story. I just don’t care. But Teddy Bear’s different. With her, I do care. Unlike with Teddy Bear, I don’t care that my own mother-in-law read that bullshit article on me.

THURSDAY, APRIL 26, 2001 Barajas just did her last walk, telling me to behave and not to let her see me again.

No problem.

My Teddy Bear should be here any sec! I’ll be pissed that I went through the hassle of applying this makeup for no reason if she doesn’t show up. More so, I’ll be bummed. But if she doesn’t make it in, I’m sure it’s not her fault. Anything could come up.

It hit 102° yesterday – wow!

Got quite a letter from Tom yesterday, basically saying how excited he is about me coming home. Me too!!!!! It’s hard to believe the time has just about come!

When Hann was on, she announced that a juvi was in need of batteries. I yelled down that I had some.

“Oh, you’re nice,” she said.

“It must be Sonja G,” I said, and she said it was. There must not have been as much juice left as I thought in those other batteries I gave her.

Hann also confirmed my doubts about Sonja stabbing anyone. She didn’t stab anyone. She’s a gangster druggie. And she’s 14, not 12.

When I went to give rooms 4 and 5 some cookies, since I got way more shit than I can eat, I told Hann a joke. She said, “I was wondering if I was going to get one from you.”

Fuck! It’s Maddox. Oh, Teddy Bear, where are you? I just want to cry right now! Well, hopefully she’ll still make it in before I leave. I would think she’d try to, anyway. At least I’ll see her again someday, if not. I’ll save her kite and give it to her in the future if I have to.

Even Misha helped me prepare for this little date by doing my lips for me. She got a kick out of how I sounded like a spoiled kid when I saw it was Maddox and began whining, “I want my Teddy Bear!”

I couldn’t ask for a better celly. She’s been in bed since 3 PM yesterday. All she did was get up for dinner, then to use the phone, then for our hour out. We were first, so I simply showered, then stuck my earplug in and slept on and off till noon.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25, 2001 We went from Vasquez to Hann. Vasquez said she’ll be thinking of me on Sunday.

Even Vasquez was bitching about Baldilocks.

I finally got caught up on my sleep and slept till 11:30. Even so, I had a horrible dream last night. Totally depressing. I was being released, and after 10 hours of waiting, Tom never showed up. I asked this guy sitting at this desk to get Officer R. D. Johnson for me and he told me to pick another Officer. I said I didn’t want to pick another Officer, and he asked me why I thought she could help me. I said I didn’t know for sure if she could, but I had to try something. Then I saw her walking down a nearby hall and I ran to her. She totally acted as if she didn’t know me!

Another funny thing that happened when Teddy Bear was here was that she didn’t hold my door open and wait for me to return with my dinner tray like she usually does for everyone. So on my way back up from down in the dayroom, she asked if I could manage the door. I said, “Yeah, I think so, but if I drop this, it’s all your fault.”

She smiled and said, “Well, you better not drop it then.”

It was so funny too, how she started saying goodnight to me when she still had 3 walks left. She even asked if I wanted my light off on the second to last walk. She normally lets 3rd shift do that. On her last walk, she’s peering in the window saying her final good night, then she goes, “Are you in there?”

I said, “Yeah, I’m in here. Where else would I be?”

I should’ve told her I was abducted by aliens who dropped me off at her place.

Then she looked at the keyhole, hesitated a moment as if she were deciding whether or not to open the door, then left.

I wonder – does Teddy Bear ever fantasize about me? Has Tom been wet dreaming of me since I’ve been gone? Or just missing me?

I can’t picture Teddy Bear with someone like Palma. That doesn’t seem to be her type. I get the impression Teddy Bear doesn’t like Palma anyway.

I wrote a kite up for her for tomorrow. More guessing games in this kite, only she gets to do the guessing. I told her Misha and I were discussing the best and worst looking DOs – can she guess who I picked? The 4 worst looking ones I picked were Misery, Bunch, Arajo and Means. Of course, she and Palma are the best-looking two I picked, but she’ll never guess Palma’s one of them. She doesn’t even know I once was crushing on her.

Anyway, if I had to pick two favorites on each shift, I’d pick Espi and Chambers for 1st, Teddy Bear and Palma for 2nd, and Pérez and Temple for 3rd.

I told her that together, Misha and I decided she’s a Rebecca, a Renee or a Rachel. Hope it’s not Ronda, although that’d be much better than Rhoda or Rita, but if it is, it is. It’s just a name, after all, although I’ll probably always call her Teddy Bear unless she gets sick of that.

I also told her that although I understand she has to be professional, in a sense, and never actually came out and told me she believed in my innocence, I always got the feeling she did, and I thanked her for believing in me. It means a lot to me. Especially coming from her.

Lastly, since she knows Spanish, I wrote a few sentences in Spanish, saying how I only knew a couple of sentences in German and maybe she can teach me more someday. Then again, German is pretty ugly, so maybe not.

Misha came back from court shortly after I awoke. I was right. She’s not going home. Maybe next week. We had our hour out, talked a bit, then she hit the sack.

I chatted with most of the pod on my hour out. Mattie said goodbye to me. She leaves tonight. Myra says they could come to get me as late as 8:00–9:00 in the morning. I hope not! But I know I can’t be released before it’s light out.

I also met Sonja on my hour out. A bunch of juvies was just outside the dayroom sharpening their pencils when I asked which one was Sonja. She was sitting on the floor sharpening pencils. She’s just a little scrap of a thing.

Sonja said she was rolled out of that room because she was having trouble sleeping in there. So that’s why I haven’t heard from her.

I asked Vasquez if she could give her some batteries for me. She said, “Yeah, but I can’t let you talk to each other.” It was cool of her to pass the batteries for me.

The hot dog curse is not over, not surprisingly. Thank God I’m outa here soon!

Misha said she was with a woman a long time ago. She asked me if Tom was jealous of me liking women, but as I told her, he’s OK with it. Like a lot of guys, if it’s another woman, it’s OK. Fortunately, though, he’s not into threesomes anymore than I am. Two’s company and three’s definitely a crowd!

How would I feel if he wanted to see a woman or a man on the side, though he’s as straight as an arrow, and has never seen anyone on the side so far? As long as I was his number one and knew he was coming home to me in the end, I’d want him to do whatever made him happy.

Tate was on last night. She saw me at the door from down below and smiled up at me. When I told her my hours, she was like, “See? It goes faster when you count by hours.”

She was saying how I wouldn’t even smile at first (there was nothing to smile about), and that maybe she’ll be here Sunday so I can tell her I have no hours left. I told her Temple said she might be in that night, but we’ll see.

After Tom left yesterday, I saw Teresa out in the open-contact visitation area. I waved to her, and incredibly, she started fingerspelling to me. Not signing, but spelling. She asked if Laticia and Nancy were still there, and told me she lost my address. I told her I remembered her booking number and will write to her. All past problems between her and I are done and over with as far as I’m concerned.

Teresa and I were just finishing up our little convo when one of the sergeants came to get me. She was funny, pretending to imitate our fingerspelling. She’s cool for a sergeant.

TUESDAY, APRIL 24, 2001 Oh, I just knew it. Misha met with her lawyer and she’s not going home tomorrow. She’s going to court, but it’s just going to be a dry run. I hope it won’t make Teddy Bear clam up, even though Misha says she’ll kindly hide under her blanket. As she reminded me, though – she does sleep a lot and she knows it.

It was nice getting soda with last night’s commissary, my final order!

Got quite a goodbye from that obnoxious Chavez, but it was still nice of her to take the time to say goodbye. She’s going to Vegas on vacation. We chatted about that for a few minutes. She says the same thing – that every time her husband goes near her, she starts losing. That’s what Tom does to me; hexes my slot machines on me.

Espi came back one last time like I was hoping she would. She said she almost didn’t make it back.

I was dead tired, thanks to Baldilocks (Zapata) and her loud mouth, along with Mattie, who’s leaving Thursday. They were out first and second. Meanwhile, I noticed Espi was letting people out in an odd order. She was supposed to go 2, 3, 4, 5, 1, but she went 1, 2, 5, 4, 3. When I asked her about it, she smiled at me and said, “Oh, I screwed up. Besides, you guys seem like late risers anyway.”

She knows I don’t get up early, and I don’t think she “screwed up.” I think this is a little going away present from her, which is very nice of her.

I cracked her up with more jokes and she cracked me up with a comment she made about Baldilocks, who has a bad leg and uses a cane. I was bitching about how loud she is, and Espi said, “Yeah, she’s a nut. I’d like to beat her to death with her own cane.”

Yeah, I wanted to shove it up her ass really good, believe me!

Beverly was being a major pest again, begging for this and begging for that. I gave her my lunch because I never want it anyway. I asked Espi to let me put it outside the door while she was out (so she wouldn’t be at our door pestering us), and made the comment to Espi about her being a pest. “Yes, she is,” agreed Espi. Obviously, Tiffany can’t stand her either, judging by the way she was looking up at me and pulling her hair, then pointing to Beverly.

Espi said goodbye on her last walk, wishing me the best. I’m definitely going to miss her. I told her she was my favorite 1st shift DO, then she goes, “Don’t tell anyone that. They’ll roll me up!”

What’s that supposed to mean?

Mattie and Sarah got a little pesky too, but I felt bad for them, so I gave them a brownie and a few cookies, and they gave me some paper which I’m using for kites/journal notes.

This cell really is dark compared to all the others. From down in the dayroom, it looked like the light was off in here.

The best part of the day was seeing Tom. Cedeño woke me from a nap to see him, and I rambled on excitedly, filling him in on Misha, Teddy Bear, etc. It was our last visit! Again, Misery was doing visitation.

Tom was very tired. Got a letter from him today too, but since I have the letters all at home on the computer, I won’t get into it much. He just said that working makes the days go by faster, he can’t wait to pick me up, etc.

MONDAY, APRIL 23, 2001 Tomaszewski cellied me today after 4 people came to M Dorm. I got the best one – Misha N. She’s a lot like Tiffany, who was quiet, sane and slept a lot. She has her own commissary too, and says she sleeps from around 11 PM - 3 PM. Great! She takes Prozac, too.

She’s my age and is in for manufacturing, though she says that’s not what she’s guilty of. She said she ran an escort service. She goes to court on Wednesday and thinks she might go home that day. She doesn’t have a great face, but she has a body to die for.

She’s easy to talk to and she’s had some interesting stories to tell me. She’s had pet rats, too.

I told her about Teddy Bear. Misha agrees Teddy Bear’s funny and cute when she blushes, though she has no crush on her or any other DO. She digs how shy, yet cool Teddy Bear is, too.

She said she seems like a lonely person. That’s the impression I’ve been getting lately too; that’s she’s all alone. All she ever talks about is her bird and other pets she’s had. Never a lover, kids, or anyone living with her.

Misha says it does sound like Teddy Bear likes me, yes she always thought she was gay, and she always thought Palma was bi, too. I told her that I was afraid I may’ve been too subtle in getting my message across to Teddy Bear about my liking her, yet Misha says she’d have to be hit by a Mac truck not to know. I’m 99.9% sure, though, that she likes me and knows I like her.

Misha asked if Tom minded and I told her he didn’t. That’s what makes this guy so great. He’s him, I’m me, and he doesn’t try to control or change me. He’s not the jealous, insecure type.

I only slept 2-3 hours between the excitement of leaving and thoughts of Teddy Bear and our talks. At least I was already up when Misha came. It’s nice to have been awake for once upon getting a new celly.

Thank God I’m not in 2 or 5 because it’d be thunderous. It’s like A Tower right now with everyone screaming through the vents.

The pregnant black chick returned to A Tower, so there are still one or two beds available. Zapata, who nobody likes, is alone in 2. She was here last when Ida was here. Then there’s a nut next door named Beverly, who I’m really lucky I didn’t get. According to Misha, she’s a major beggar. Yeah, I can already see that. She was begging for Misha’s lunch earlier.

Before I finish up with when Teddy Bear was last here – I know now why I was meant to be here. They were right, all those that said there’s a reason for everything. I believe there’s a reason for everything too, but I thought the reason for my being here was because something wanted to punish me. I still believe that, and I’ll always believe that. However, I know now that one of the biggest reasons I was meant to be here was to meet Teddy Bear. There really would’ve been no other way for us to meet. Not with me living like a hermit way out in Nowhere Land. Therefore, we had to be forced to come in contact with each other. What better way than to have me thrown in jail, huh?

Misha takes no offense to my hoping she’ll be out of here Wednesday. I never thought I’d be wishing for a good celly to hurry up and leave! Normally, I try to hang onto them as long as I can to spare myself from any psychos, but I really hope she’s gone before Teddy Bear returns. She’s going to be pretty reserved, understandably, if Misha’s still here when she gets back, even though nothing she’s said or done could get her in trouble. She’s still been a DO in every sense of the word. There’s been nothing unprofessional about her just because we like each other.

Teddy Bear said she’d be back Monday or Thursday. It’s Monday now and Chavez is on, so that leaves Thursday. Good. That’ll give Misha time to get out of here and me time to catch up on my sleep.

Oh, please! A whole 20 minutes before she serves chow, Chavez tells us to get ready for chow.

What does she expect us to do? Brush our teeth? Curl our hair? Put on makeup? Fancy dresses?

We finally had chicken on the bone. I think the hot dog curse might finally be over, too. Teddy Bear said that maybe the combination of her and Jane (Peaches) being here is what brought it on. I think they may’ve actually run out of the fucking things.

Sonja, which is the kid’s name next door, has been quiet. She yelled to me last night that she would tell her next-door neighbors to quit banging. She yelled at them that she wanted to go to sleep. I told her I wouldn’t forget to roll the batteries under the door on Saturday.

I was surprised when Teddy Bear told me she gets that moon face when she eats too much meat. Maybe she puts bad stuff on it or maybe she’s mostly talking about fried meat because meat shouldn’t make moon faces.

She says my face isn’t that bad.

Yes, it is.

Then she goes on to say that the image of beauty has changed and sunken cheeks are no longer in.

Ain’t no beauty in this beach ball of a face!

She’s off Tuesday and Wednesday, saying that on Tuesday she’s helping a friend move. I wonder if her friend’s gay, too.

Wednesday, she says she’s starting a whole new business, and I was like – damn! Three jobs?! She’s superwoman, she says. She sure is and I wonder if this would mean she’d look down upon homemakers. Everyone else but Tom does, so why wouldn’t she?

I used to think that anyone that could think of being with someone else while they’re already with someone can’t love the person they were with to begin with, but now I see I was wrong about that (just like I used to think all people that went to jail were scum that deserved what they got). Tom’s Tom and Teddy Bear’s Teddy Bear. There’s no connection, despite some of their similarities and my being bored with sex with Tom. It’s not that he’s bad in bed. It just gets old after so many years and I just miss being with a woman. Another thing is that this isn’t something you exactly plan, either. I didn’t plan to fall for her. It just happened. We don’t really have any control over who we like and are attracted to any more than we can choose what colors or flavors we like.

I still can’t say for sure that anything will happen between Teddy Bear and I, but I think it will. We both like each other and I can’t see why it wouldn’t unless she met someone during the year. Someone who, unlike Tom, wouldn’t go for us getting together in any way shape or form. Although I’ve never been with a woman since being with Tom since April of ‘93, I think we knew I would eventually be with one here and there, but certainly not just anyone, since I’m so damn picky and rarely meet new people being the homebody I am. I’m sure neither of us ever thought it’d be a DO in a jail that I was in!

I think I’ve been needing a woman in my life more than I realized. How nice it would be to have a lady in my life who’s in the same state, who’s gay, who has a great personality and great looks, too! I think it would really make my life complete.

I wish I could say it was just lust that I felt for Teddy Bear, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have some feelings for her. How could I not after all she’s done for me? I try to tell myself I can’t possibly feel the way I do since I don’t really know her, but I know what I’m feeling. She’s just as good on the inside as she is on the outside. Yes, I’ve seen her have her moods just like anyone else, but 90% of the time she’s so bright and cheery. She’s got a great sense of humor and she’s so smart. She really has a wonderful personality and I see how easily someone could love her. When she’s on, I know I’m going to be OK. She really cares about me and I could never take all the help she’s given me for granted. She really made my life here a lot easier. Not just by chatting with me, but by keeping me alone as much as she could. Especially since, in the end there, a lot of my cellies were either crazy or hitting on me or both. It shocks me to think – an authority figure that likes me?! That didn’t take advantage of her power over me and fuck me over in any way?! That actually cared enough to help me?!

Do I think she’ll change into some monster? Maybe with a serious brain tumor or two, but no, I don’t think Teddy Bear has any hidden demons in her. I don’t think she’s wearing any kind of a mask and putting on an act to cover up any hidden beasts inside her. Nobody can act that well, anyway. Not even me, and I may be an average singer, but I’m an excellent actress.

Misha was pointing out how much bigger she is than me, though she thinks we’d look good together – her with this cute little fem-fem, she says. Yes, there’s quite a height difference, but I like that. I’ve never been with a woman as tall as she is, but believe me, I adore all 5’ 10” of her.

At first, even I asked myself – do I really want to be with someone who could break me in half so easily? But she doesn’t seem to have a violent streak of any kind and I don’t sense any danger. Like I said before, I’d feel safe with her. Not threatened. She probably only swears once for every dozen times that I swear, too.

She sure is strong, though. Once, when she moved me to 3, I was struggling to throw the extra mattress up top. She took it from me, looked down at me and said, “You don’t have to help me,” with a bit of an amused look on her face, then hurled the thing up there like it was as light as a feather. I was like – wow! And she seemed so happy to help me too, like it made her feel really good or something. It was rather sweet.

I remember when I first saw her. At least I think the first time I saw her was in November when Kim and I were in 5. She was running up the stairs. She seemed so happy and energetic, too. So full of life. But then I ended up spending 95% of the first two months in A Tower and Palma diverted my attention away from her. Believe me, though, there’s nothing at this point short of Teddy Bear herself not wanting anything to do with me that could divert my attention from her. This is omitting Tom, of course.

Payback will come soon enough. She did for me and I’m going to do for her. At least I hope I get the opportunity to if she really is lonely. Well, Teddy Bear, if you are lonely and you still want to get together, I promise you you won’t be lonely anymore!

I wouldn’t care if she talked non-stop, either, because she’s always got funny and interesting things to say. I’ll spend all the time I can with her. Not just because of all she’s done for me, but because I’ll want to. I’ll be there if she ever needs a shoulder to cry on just like she was there to listen to me pour all my troubles and frustrations out on her.

Living a “double life” might be fun and adventurous and I think I’d like the variety. She and Tom work different schedules so the time I spent with one wouldn’t interfere with the time I spent with the other. Of course, I don’t know how she’ll feel about a part-time relationship. I know that someday she’s going to meet someone she’ll want to be with full-time and I’ll never see her again, but I believe that we all need to just take whatever time we can get with those we care about. Teddy Bear may decide she’s all or nothing and not want anyone part-time. After all, it wouldn’t be fair to her to expect her to always be someone I see on the side. She’s going to want someone who’ll live with her and be with her every day. Someone more suitable for her than I am. She does seem like the all-or-nothing type, too. On the other hand, keeping it part-time might keep it special for both of us. She may like the idea of having a live-in that she’s with full-time like I am, but then having a lady on the side, too.

This is where Misha and I disagree with each other. She thinks I am suitable for her and that I’ll end up leaving Tom for her. Her attitude is basically – I’m gay so I belong with a woman. I know Tom’s a big boy who could get along just fine without me, but I just couldn’t go dumping on him like that, and the reason I don’t think she’d find me suitable for her is that we’re different. I like opposites, but most people like equals, although Misha thinks that our different personalities would be something she’d like. She thinks she’d like my feisty, spunky ways and that we’d be good for each other and that I’d bring a little bit of wildness into her life and she’d bring a little bit of calmness into mine like Tom and I do with each other.

Like Tom, she’s more of a non-moody, passive type, whereas I’m an aggressive bitch, always whining and complaining. I agree that in a lot of ways we’d be good for each other and would enjoy each other’s company, but I think she’d get sick of me after a while. I don’t think she could enjoy living with me, but I sure wish I could hide out with her till April 29th!

I think the biggest problem would’ve been the job issue. It worried me a little when she mentioned all these different jobs. We’re living in a time when homemakers are labeled as lazy users. Even those who just had kids are expected to pick themselves up as soon as they leave the hospital, throw the kid in daycare, and get right back to work. Just like I would with anyone, though, I’ll dump her if she can’t accept me as I am. I am a homemaker and if I’m a lazy user, then so is Tom. If I’m using him for money, food and rides, then he’s using me as a cook and a housekeeper. It makes my blood boil when people say, “He works hard for you yet what do you do for him?”

I cook our food, I wash our clothes, I clean our house, I care for our pets, I give him emotional support when he needs it, I listen to him and much more so that he doesn’t have to on his days off. That’s what I do. So, as I’d tell anyone – if you’ve got a problem with me because I don’t work outside of the house and get a paycheck with my name on it, then don’t have anything to do with me.

Another area in which we may’ve clashed would be because she seems to be quite a people person and I’m not. So she may have had a lot of company. I wouldn’t have had to entertain them too, the whole time they were there, though. I could’ve gone off into another room to do my own thing, I suppose.

Nonetheless, if I were single, I’d love to be with someone like Teddy Bear. She would’ve been good for me. I don’t know how I know this. I just do.

Teddy Bear, will you be my husband in my next life? I promise I’ll get with the times then. For every one job you have, I’ll have two, and I promise not to clean or cook a damn thing!

We sure would’ve had an interesting story to tell those who asked us how we met, that’s for sure!

Misha thinks Teddy Bear would love to be the breadwinner since she’d be the dude in the relationship, but again, I disagree with that. I think she’d want a career person (Hey, she’ll just have to press her own shirts, clean her own house and cook her own damn food).

I also doubt she’d want someone so unique. Someone who doesn’t have a sleep/schedule disorder. Someone who doesn’t need to sleep with a fan on for both circulating air and to drown out background noise. Who doesn’t like to draw on walls and rock back and forth to music. Who doesn’t paint their nails blue, green, white, black, yellow, red, pink, purple, and every other color under the sun? She’s lucky I’m not like I was a decade ago! I pinched and squirted rude waitresses with coffee creamers, I threw snowballs I froze in my freezer at people, I stole books and CDs in the mail, I made prank phone calls to people with funny names, I shoved gum in keyholes, I mailed guinea pig turds to bosses that fired me, I crossed people on the phone using 3-way calling, I ordered and sent people pizzas, I called cabs for people, I called electric companies as other people and had their power turned off when they’d fuck me over.

I was a very naughty girl.

“I guess I just wouldn’t have seen much of her with all those jobs she’s got.”

“I think she’d quit some of them,” Misha said, “and remember, she’s well aware of the fact that you’re a convicted felon, and that guilty or not, you can’t exactly get a job easily enough. She knows you don’t drive and that if you worked 1st shift you’d rarely see each other. She knows that she’d have to be the one to pick you up at night if you worked 2nd shift when no buses were running. She also knows that if you worked 3rd shift she’d have to race home from work, then race back out to bring you to work. She wouldn’t want that, and besides, she strikes me as the jealous type, don’t you think?”

“Nope. I think she’s the kind that could take me or leave me if I was her girlfriend, though I must admit I’d be rather flattered at the idea of her being at least a little on the jealous side.”

Misha had a point about the job issue. I mean, what would I say I’ve been doing for the last 15 years? Hanging out at the beach? I can just see myself answering that question by saying, “Well, I was a housekeeper at a hotel when I was 20, but I got fired for punching out a coworker who lunged at me in a rather menacing way. Then my daddy had me thrown on disability, saying I should’ve been on it all along after the government screwed up. Then nearly a decade later I did some rather explicit modeling, sang a little bit, shook my ass in strip joints, became a homemaker, then became a convicted felon in another 5 years, only I truly am innocent.”

Although I decided Misha was dead serious about all she predicts for Teddy Bear and I, I still can’t see it. She made my heart skip a beat, though, when she made a major point – I couldn’t see myself getting married, either. I swore I’d never get with a guy. I was 1000% sure of it.

Little did I know I’d end up “twice loved,” so to speak. I feel doubly blessed to have two loves, a man and a woman.

I think the hardest part about being married is knowing I’ll never know for sure just what would’ve happened with Teddy Bear and I. It’s really neat to know I’d finally have someone and that I wouldn’t have been alone all my life like I thought I would before meeting Tom. Again, I just don’t know how far it would’ve gone or for how long. That’s something I’ll never know because I can’t throw away the 8 years I’ve been with Tom. Especially when 95% of it has been good. The only thing this marriage lacks is good sex. And I may not be attracted to him the way I am with Teddy Bear because you just can’t compare men and women, and I’ve always been more attracted to women in general, even if Teddy Bear’s not my usual type. With Tom, it’s more of a physical attraction, but it’s more sexual with Teddy Bear. I’m not going to lie - whenever I picture myself in intimate relations with someone, it’s her face I see. Still, you don’t throw away 8 good years with someone just because someone else turns you on and makes you laugh. The not knowing what was going on in Tom’s life would eat at me constantly. I’d always be wondering how he was, where he was, who he was with, if he was happy/healthy.

Also, I couldn’t just throw away this big, beautiful house and our land. I know houses are just material things, but there would be a major security risk in leaving Tom. If I left Tom and was with a woman, any woman, and that woman decided to toss me out on the street a year later, where would I go and what would I do? With asthma and allergies, I also need medical insurance, and the bigots of Arizona haven’t legalized gay marriages yet, so I’d be fucked right there without my own insurance.

Meanwhile, all I can do is guess as far as what it would have been like to be with her. If you asked me what I think will happen versus what I hope will happen, the answer’s different depending on how you asked. If I were single, I’d hope we’d love each other and be with each other full-time. I think she would’ve made me very happy and that I’d have loved being Dawn Johnson, and every day I’d be wondering what I did to deserve someone as wonderful as she is (like I do with Tom). I think she would’ve snored bad enough to make me want to stuff a rag down her throat, though!

I must admit that although curiosity sure is a killer at times, it is fun and kind of entertaining to close my eyes and wonder how things would’ve been. I see us in a lot of different scenarios, besides some rather explicit ones. I see us watching movies together, cuddling, talking, going places, etc.

Since I’m not single, all I can do is hope we’ll get together as much as possible and maybe even spend some nights with her. That’s what I hope will happen. What I think will happen is that we’ll get together once every 1-3 months. I think it’ll go beyond friendship and that it will be intimate, but again, I can’t guess as to the extent of it. Time will tell, though.

Would I feel guilty if we ever did it, be it just once or more than that? No. I’ve already let Tom know all about Teddy Bear. He knows what could happen, and he’s never uttered a word of protest, so I wouldn’t be “cheating” on him. Also, it’s a bit hard to feel guilty over something that just seems so right. At least the thought of it does, anyway.

Who knows, though? Maybe I’m way off. Maybe she’ll forget all about me. Maybe she’ll change her mind. Or maybe her feelings aren’t what I think they are. Maybe she’ll just want to be friends. Maybe she’ll have a wife by next year. Either way, I’ll take whatever time we may have with each other. She’s just so sweet!

“It’ll be Tom’s fault if you make it with her,” Misha told me.

“Why do you say that?”

“Because you said he neglected you sexually in the beginning.”

“That was in the beginning.”

“You’d be surprised how the past can affect the present.”

“Maybe so,” I said,” but I just don’t see a connection. He and she are two separate issues. My attraction for her would be the same with or without him in the picture and if we do anything, that too, will have nothing to do with him. This isn’t about me not being loved enough or anything like that. This is simply about me liking Teddy Bear and being attracted to her, and I’d have felt this way single or not.”

Tom’s lack of sexual drive turned me off a bit in the beginning, but now, it really doesn’t matter whether he was horny all the time or never horny.

SUNDAY, APRIL 22, 2001 Barajas is on. She called me tiger like she sometimes does, shocked that I wasn’t pissed at anyone at the moment. I was wondering if she’d come back so I could bug her before I left. She said she requested to be here. Especially after being in B tower for 4 days in a row. She’s been teasing me, as usual.

I’m not using this allergy spray as much because it causes a post-nasal drip.

Yes! Teddy Bear’s on! I don’t remember her ever working a Sunday before.

Although deep down I doubted it, I had a slight worry that something I said in my kite may’ve offended her, but she hasn’t seemed to be the least bit offended.

As soon as Estrella’s Finest hit my door on her first walk, I said, “What are you doing here on a Sunday?!”

“Isn’t this my usual day?” she asked, then guessed that I had 13 days when I really have 6 and that it’s been two weeks since she last saw me (not quite).

Sometimes it’s hard to tell if she’s just playing with me or if she really has these moments where she gets stuck on stupid.

She said she’d tell me about her bird later, she’s already training it, and it’s doing well. Then she flashed me a cheery smile and walked off.

On Teddy Bear’s second walk, she had to hurry by to enter names into the logbooks of those in Alpha who went to church.

Oh her third walk, she told me her cockatiel was doing this cute little canary dance. She thinks it learned that from the canaries it was near in the pet store. She said she’s afraid to let her bird out in case he gets out the door, and that she may be traumatizing it by picking it up. She said she wasn’t sure at first if it was wise to get an older bird, but that she’s an old bird herself. When I guessed her age to be 37, she wouldn’t tell me how old she really is, but I take it she’s a little older than me. Maybe she’s even in her early 40s, but I don’t think she could be that old. At least I was right in guessing her to be 5’ 10”.

I showed her the pictures, and she was like, “Wow, your hair really was long.”

No, Teddy Bear. I’m a pathological liar. I just made that up.

She liked the picture of me floating with the rat on me. We discussed me shooting a picture of her with her arms spread, then me blowing up a picture of her bird and placing it on her arm, and maybe a giant rat on the other (it’d be funny if I dressed up in her uniform and made pictures out of that, too). She said that could be her Christmas card to people.

This Christmas? Well, she has our number. I made sure of that so that she has the option of getting together with me sooner if she wants to. No one here has to know if we get together before a year’s up, but of course, this has to be her call. I wonder if she’d call if my letter didn’t make it to her next year if she didn’t decide to call before then. Well, whatever it is she decides to do, I’ll respect it.

When I put the pictures back in the envelope, I gave her a choice and asked if she wanted them. She said yes (wish I had a picture of her to drool over till I get to see her again!), then she left, bitching about how she has to pee every hour.

I let her walk by without bugging her a few times, and I even slipped her another kite, since her time is limited.

She told me she has another job. “Let’s just say it’s more physical than this,” she said. She says it’s delivering stuff.

These guessing games we’ve been playing are fun. Let’s see…I think she delivers furniture. Could be UPS or something like that, too.

She says she can find any place, drives everywhere, and doesn’t mind it.

“Good,” I told her, “because I have a phobia of driving,” which didn’t seem to bother her. I’ve been testing her, so to speak, to see if she’s really as accepting as she seems, letting her know that we really are quite different, even though we share a knack for languages and mice. I want to make sure she’s OK with that because most people wouldn’t be. So many people have been hesitant to associate with me because I don’t drive, because my interests are different than most people’s because I don’t always hear well, because of my background, etc. People expect perfection and for you to be willing to be molded into what they want, but I’ll be damned if I’ll become that way myself. I ain’t no piece of clay.

I shouldn’t talk, though, and bitch about how people always have a problem with me because I always have a problem with them. I’m so picky about who I hang out with, be it as a friend or more. I don’t settle for just anyone and it’s so very seldom that I just take to someone like I have with Teddy Bear. I’ve opened up to her in ways I haven’t with anyone else here. Being around her just feels – I don’t know – so right, I guess you could say. I feel like I’ve known her for years, although 6 months in this place feels like years anyway!

Anyway, I’m glad she won’t mind driving out to where we live. I hope we can hang out at each other’s places whenever we can. I guess I’m still hoping we’ll be a little more than friends, though I’ll settle happily for a friendship.

You know, speaking of Tom, she’s never mentioned him once since we became tight. Except for that one time she said I had a good-looking guy when she saw his picture, and the time she recognized him at Visitation, she never mentioned him. She’s never asked how old he is, if he’s from here, where he works - nothing.

When I told her I had a cockatiel story of my own to tell, the doofus goes, “OK, let me come back the next time so I can be ready.”

Whatever. She cracks me up at times, but her goofy ways give her character. So does her slight lisp.

She was a doof again when I kited her. When I slipped it through the door, she goes, “Oh, thanks. I’ll read it.”

Really? Gee, Teddy Bear, I thought you’d eat it!

I gave her the basic highlights of why I dumped my folks, but that before I did, I taped Art on America’s Funniest Home Videos, which we’d say was America’s Most Wanted. She said she’s got to see that.

Anyway, when I started off by telling her my family consisted of a bunch of psychotics, she laughed. I think she thought I was joking, but if she only knew! I’ll make sure she never does, though, unless I’m asked about it. She does know about my jumping out the window and breaking my arm when I was 17. God, I can’t believe I told her that! Fortunately, though, she doesn’t seem like the sick type who’d use that against me, not that I can see how she could. It’s just that people tend to use bad experiences or fears to spite you when they get pissed at you. I can’t picture her deliberately setting out to hurt anyone or being vindictive in any way, though. I wouldn’t be this way with her, no matter how good she looks, if I didn’t trust her. I’ll just dump her if she turns out to have any dark surprises hidden in her closet. Of course, that’s what I said about the freeloaders – we’ll just move and they’ll be out of our lives, but look where that got me! It was obviously easier said than done because we can’t get these people out of our lives no matter where we go or what we do!

In the kite, I told her there’s property for sale near us (Dan’s) in case she’s interested in country living. How awesome it’d be to have her for a neighbor! I’m sure that’ll be in my dreams only, though. At least I wouldn’t have had to worry about her saying I wrote her a threatening letter and that I must be prejudiced against redheads!

Teddy Bear really goes with this place, too. I mean, I can just picture her living out here. She looks like a country girl.

I’m straightening my hair the natural way, which means I’m using some rubber bands because I only have two cloth ones. I’m doing it now because I know Teddy Bear won’t take my rubber bands away. Most of them aren’t as strict as Palma, but the more they’ve gotten to know me, the less they bother me with shit like that, anyway.

My God, I don’t believe it! She just asked me how much they want for the property. You mean she’s actually interested? I drew her a map of the 4 lots – ours, next door’s, Dan’s, the rentals. I told her what little I knew about the places, and she says she’ll find them. I gave her George P’s name too, as well as names of realtors I could think of. She asked if you could see mountains and have horses out there. I assured her she could (how cozy – me riding a horse while snuggled up safe in the arms of my big, strong, warm Teddy Bear sitting behind me).

The thought of having Teddy Bear out there is too good to be true! Well, I think I can consider myself lucky just to have her as a part of my life, no matter where she lives. As I was told years ago – enjoy whatever time you can with those you like and care about. Enjoy the moment and just settle for whatever you can get because something’s better than nothing.

I’m getting the impression that she lives alone. That ring could mean anything. Maybe her ex died, or maybe it’s her mother’s or grandmother’s ring (I got the impression her mother might be dead because she never mentioned her). Or maybe she just wants people to think she’s married.

Well, one thing’s for sure – she definitely likes me! Yes, she likes me, she likes me, she likes me! If I’d known she was going to like me back, I’d have been blunter and slipped her a note saying: I like women, my husband doesn’t mind, you’re a really cool person, and a damn good-looking one, too! I like everything from how tall you are to the color of your hair. From those warm chocolate eyes to that perfect ass, and if the truth hurts and I’ve offended you in any way, please don’t beat me up too bad!

I guessed her middle name, which begins with a D, to be Diane.

“Wrong,” she said.

Then I guessed Dawn and she was like, “Oh, thank you, thank you. That’s a pretty one.”

Then I asked her what she’d guess my name to be if she didn’t know what my ugly name was. When she came back after taking some time to think about it, she said she’d guess I was a Dawn or an April.”

I could hug her for that one, I told her.

When she comes in here the next time, I’ll try to see what I can vibe from her as far as the ring goes.

Well, that didn’t tell me much. All I got was a slight vibe saying that her favorite color might be blue, and she might dig country music. I don’t think I can even see her sign. I just know she can’t be a Sagittarius because I’m a Sagittarius and our personalities are too different. I don’t think she’s artistic, either. I didn’t see that. She can’t be a Gemini because she’s not a domineering bitch, Leo is the sign for crazy people, Aquarius is the sign for gay guys, and Taurus is the sign of the bull butch. She’s not a bull butch any more than feminine, so that leaves the sign for the brainy workaholics – Virgo. As mellow as she usually is, she could be Cancer like Tom, but I don’t know. I doubt she’s an Aries. That’s for desperate people. Scorpios are obsessive. I’m not really big on astrology, though. I just know the basics. Fortunately, I don’t think she’d be creeped out by people like me.

When she came in to offer Tylenol and Tums, she took my commissary sheet and said, “Let’s see what you say you’re going to be pigging out on (I told her I was going to order a bunch of shit for my last order). Pain relievers? Is that for after you pig out?”

“Or the headaches this place brings me,” I told her, “and for the weight of my hair, but I don’t want to cut it again.”

“So don’t,” she said.

It’s already just above my waist. I’ve been thinking of growing it long again. Maybe I will. Andy would say, “As if it wasn’t long already!” but no, it’s not. Not after being able to sit on it. This is rather short in comparison.

I wonder if he still does Stevie in drag. Poor Andy. Living in gay bars and getting high, having anything but a “gay old time.”

I said to Teddy Bear, “Just think of how much quieter it’ll be without me here to run up to the door and bug you when I leave.”

She looked away for a second as a slight look of sadness came over her, then she said, “That’ll be boring.”

I told her that if I didn’t know I was to see her again, I’d be bawling my eyes out.

“Aw,” she said.

I still might bawl my eyes out anyway.

I don’t think the sickos that put me here are going to start trouble again for me till I’m just about to get off probation in 10/2003. I doubt they’d want to mess with me sooner and risk the authorities beginning to wonder who the real victim is in this case, and me getting vindicated.

I’d like to think that someday I’ll be vindicated and that justice will be done with these people once they’re exposed for what they are, but as time goes on, I doubt it’ll ever happen. They fucked me over and they’re going to get away with it. Period. It not only burns me up to know I was thrown in jail for something I didn’t do, but it burns me up to know that this bitch and her people aren’t going to do any time for what they did do. When do they do time for the nasty phone messages they left? The trash they threw in our yard? The noise they threw at us at all hours of the day and night? The nasty notes they slipped in our mailbox slot? That’s a felony too; leaving notes in mailboxes. Again, if I’d only known what was going to happen, I’d have saved the evidence, rather than chosen to ignore their childish shit and focus solely on getting the hell out of there, which took us longer than we would’ve liked. I think to myself – damn, I wish I’d had guts enough to call the police more often. But like they themselves said, that’d only fuel their fire more, and they’d just be right back to their same old shit when they left. I don’t trust pigs, either.

When it comes to justice, there is no “justice.” Especially when it involves non-whites and people of authority. Tom reminded me that blacks are thrown in jail too, for shit they didn’t do. I know that. I never said minorities weren’t abused by the law. I just think they have the upper hand in the courts. A lot of people are afraid to rule against minorities for fear of starting riots.

When thoughts of the people that fucked me over eat at me and I find myself seething with rage, I remember my Teddy Bear. I remember that I did get something good out of all this shit.

Yeah, you bitch, you could steal my freedom, but you couldn’t stop romance from blossoming in M Dorm now, could you! Ha, ha, ha, ha!

At the same time, I know I’m taking a hell of a chance by associating with her and putting my trust in her. She may not be a cop, a judge or a lawyer, but she’s still an authority figure. She may look hot in uniform, but she still has a badge!

But life is about taking chances, and stupid or not, I’m going to follow my heart more so than my head and take a chance on her. She means that much to me, and they say I’m bold and gutsy for a reason so I might as well live up to my reputation for that.

It’s kind of ironic in a way because for so long I’d fantasize about meeting this wonderful, gorgeous woman in uniform. Like a lot of people, I’m attracted to a woman in uniform, and I don’t mean no nurse’s uniform, either! Then to have this woman jump out of my fantasies and into reality, even if it’s under some pretty bizarre circumstances, is really quite mind-boggling! I just never pictured her to be white and I sure as hell never pictured her to be a redhead!

Actually, If Teddy Bear stays as good of a person as she has been, then in a sense, I’d feel safer with her than with Tom. Not many people would be as quick to mess with an officer’s lady, even if that officer’s inside a jail and not on the streets. Also, she’s big and she knows karate or at least some kind of self-defense. Lastly, she’s probably got a gun. Although I’d be afraid to handle and shoot a gun myself, knowing she could if it was necessary (God, I’d hope not)! would make me feel a bit more comfortable, not that I’m some little priss. I happen to have some muscle of my own and some knowledge of self-defense. Also, just my screaming and yelling’s been enough to scare the shit out of people at times. There are advantages to being small as there are to being big. Small people can move faster and easier and are underestimated. Sometimes all it takes to defend yourself is being underestimated, and I will do everything in my power to defend myself if I’m ever forced to fight. I’ve had to do it before. Growing up, fighting and survival was a way of life for me.

What really shocks the shit out of me is that - I wanted her and I got her. Anyone who knows me knows that I’ve failed to succeed in getting most of the things I’ve set out to get in my life. Well, this time sure was different! As much as I was trying to be subtle about my liking her because I didn’t want to come across as some cheap, trashy slut who did this regularly, and because jail is really not the place for that sort of thing, I basically threw myself at her at the same time.

Wouldn’t it be funny if she read this shit?

Oh, Teddy Bear, if you only knew the things I’ve written about you and all the dirty little thoughts I’ve had pertaining to you!

She’d probably die of a coronary if she read some of this shit, but then again, who knows for sure how she’d take it? It really would be funny if I ended up sharing this with her, but I worry about her reaction. She may find it rather unnerving to know I wrote about our discussions, let alone some rather X-rated thoughts and dreams. It might also not be a wise idea for her to read about what I think will happen between us. I wouldn’t want it to influence her. Then again, she strikes me as the type to have a mind of her own.

But the book gets good in the end, Teddy Bear! It really does! And just think – if this were made into a movie, you’d be one of the stars for damn sure! It’s kind of funny when you think about it – “the story of a girl who gets framed and thrown in jail, with a romantic twist in the end.”

Hmm…should I really let her read my little jailhouse book? I’ll just have to see what happens with us and how accurate my vibes are. I’ve got an 80% accuracy rate, not 100%, so I could be wrong in what I think will end up happening. I’ll just use my best judgment. I may even throw in a few surprises along the way in her copy just to see how closely she reads it. You know, a few segments here and a few segments there of pure bullshit.

If someone had told me I’d consider, if only for a second, sharing this with a DO, I’d never have believed it. I never would’ve believed it in a million years if someone told me that me and a DO would like each other, either. Then again, I wouldn’t have believed any of it. Not the framing, not the outrageous sentence, not Teddy Bear - none of it. Again, this is something we think only happens to other people or in the movies. It was never supposed to happen to me! Nonetheless, some of life’s best things really aren’t planned, and it’s true that we often meet the best of people when we least expect it, where we least expect it.

Although good came out of this, I can’t forget the fact that there’s still no excuse for what these people did to me. Meaning the black bitch, the pig, the public defender and the judge, and have to be dealt with and made to take responsibility for their actions. I’d love to ignore them and put them behind me forever, but I can’t do that. I can’t just walk away from this one, blow it off and act like it never happened. Somebody’s got to expose and stop these people from doing what they’re doing, and it’s obvious that it’s going to be up to me to set these people straight. No one else has done it and I don’t think anyone will. I’m not going to be cleaning up their act solely in the name of payback and punishment, but for the sake of protecting others from becoming victims, too. They need to pay the consequences of their actions, but I don’t yet know how, where or when this will happen. Mark my words, though. It will happen. I’m not going to turn the other cheek and send them a message saying that what they did was OK. It wasn’t OK and I’ll use every resource available to me to have them exposed/punished!

SATURDAY, APRIL 21, 2001 And now there are 5 empty beds here! Just like I knew she would, Jamie ended up going to A100 today. She took a shitfit over lost pencils, from what I heard, and was banging on the door, going crazy. Bangert told her she could either go the easy way or the hard way. Then she left to pull her card and returned asking, “Are you done with your shitfit? Hurry up and roll up ‘cause they’re coming to get you.”

This is when I began singing some of the Funny Farm song, “They’re coming to take you away, haha, hee hee…”

I told Bangert how glad I was to see her go since she drives everyone crazy.

“I know,” she said. Then she put a finger over her mouth to quiet me as a lady sergeant and a male DO came and whisked the obnoxious little brat out of here.

Bangert later asked next door, “What the fuck is her trip?”

That’s when I heard about the pencils. Yeah, that’s something that would set her off. Anything would set that bitch screaming up a storm. She’d be sweet and polite one minute, on some delusional trip the next, then on a rampage.

“Way to go!” I told Bangert as she passed by my door.

With an amused smile she goes, “And you keep your comments to yourself, little girl!”

On her next walk, I was lying in bed facing the door. She walked by, then stepped back and grinned at me as if to say, “You little shit!”

Bangert cracks me up. She was bitching to me about those “damn bitches in Alpha who don’t want to clean up their pigsty.” One bitch told her to fuck off and she told them, “OK, you want to see a real bitch? You got till the sergeant gets here in 20 minutes to clean this place up, or I’ll cancel your Alpha program.”

Guess she told them really well! That Bangert’s a tough cookie for being the short, 50-something-year-old that she is.

I was the second one out. She woke me up by saying, “It’s your hour out, honey.”

I was too tired to walk the 20 minutes I usually walk, so I just called Tom. I told him about my talk with Mena, who talked with me a second time and calmed and reassured me a little. I told her I was afraid I’d end up killing myself over this and she said that that was silly talk, etc.

Then she said, “I’m not saying they don’t do transfers. Just follow the rules, because 90% of the people in here are in for violations. You’ll be OK, I wouldn’t lose any sleep over this. Just have a good rapport with your PO. They’re not out to make enemies. I know it’s hard being on probation. Your worries are normal.”

I know there are some cool POs, but I’m still afraid I’m destined for the rotten apple of the bunch. One big, giant, mean-looking, biased black or Mexican. I’m surprised they wouldn’t want to see us fuck up, too. They make more money that way. Especially if it’s someone who can afford commissary.

Once again, I cannot do what I cannot do, and therefore, I won’t do what I cannot do. I’m going home no matter what they say because my home is my home. Period. I’m not about to wander the streets of Maricopa County all because of something I’m supposed to have written years ago. And the monthly $40 probation fee is nothing but pure extortion money.

Tom still insists I not listen to what others say and that everything will be fine. He scared the shit out of me at one point when there was a knock on the door. I tried calling him back a few minutes later and got no answer. I tried for several minutes more and still got no answer. My worst fears were going through my head like someone robbing the place at gunpoint, but when I finally got through, he said someone got stuck at the corner.

He also reminded me that we told them 6 months ago where we live, and if they had a problem with it, they’d have spoken up then. Not necessarily, but let them. Let them speak up about it. I ain’t going nowhere.

Last night the juvi banged on the vent to get my attention and we talked for a few minutes. She wanted to know if I had a radio, then today when Bangert was on, she said G wanted to know if I had any batteries I could lend her. I told her I didn’t have any spare new ones, but that I’d gather up my half-dead batteries that still had some life in them and promised her she could have them next Saturday if she didn’t bug me during the week. Meanwhile, I hope no one else gives her batteries till then so I don’t have to listen to her whine to her damn radio.

I’ve been tired all day, but unable to nap so far. I really hope I can sleep late on Saturday.

Tomorrow begins my last everything – my last Sunday, my last commissary, etc.

Oh, Teddy Bear, please come back before I leave!

Felix is on now.

Mattie was telling me that her probation (she’s in for drugs) even requires her to wear a certain dress code.

Damn! Talk about being treated like a kid! What the fuck do clothes have to do with drugs, anyhow? Who cares what she wears as long as she stays clean?

It’s cold in here because of the storm. I knew it was storming before I heard about it on the radio. Even in this windowless cell, I could smell the rain. Plus, the skylight out there was too dark. The lights even flickered a few times and I could hear rumbles of thunder. I wish the cheap bastards would give us some heat tonight, but that won’t happen. At least the cool spell will only be for a couple of days and at least I’m not downstairs where it’s even colder. I went to put my thermal on for the first time since Teddy Bear moved me up here 34 days ago, but it stunk and I wasn’t about to wash the damn thing. So, I threw my shirt on over my gown. It helps keep me warmer.

Dinner’s here, and incredibly, it’s not hot dogs. It’s ostrich meat, which isn’t as good as chicken or beef patties but is still edible.

The meat wasn’t so edible, after all. It had a funny taste and a rubbery texture that was kind of weird, so I saved the rye bread for later and ate the little cupcake, the rice, and the half-dead salad.

FRIDAY, APRIL 20, 2001 Slept till 11:00 when Tomaszewski got me up for my hour out.

The twirp next door was quiet last night. That’s because Atkinson was on. I’m sure she’ll make up for it tonight, though.

This morning was a blanket exchange. Thank God I’m leaving soon because this blanket’s pitifully thin, although it’s OK in this cell which is warmer.

I’m guessing I’ll weigh 124 pounds when I get home. I’m still not so sure I want to bust my ass losing weight again, only to lose half of what I want to lose, then gain it back. I may only concentrate on toning up my muscles, getting my stamina back, and eating healthier till someone goes and undoes all my hard work again.

When I think about my attraction to Teddy Bear, I realize I don’t like ultra-feminine like I used to. I don’t like an all-out diesel butch, either. I like someone who’s right in the middle. Someone like Teddy Bear that you can’t picture in a dress, yet she still looks like a woman. Someone like Arajo is way too dyky. She makes Teddy Bear seem almost as feminine as I am.

Though pitifully ugly with a heavy-set short body, drab gray eyes and dull sandy brown hair, Nancy I was one of the nicest, considerate, mellow, sensitive cellies I ever had, even though I was only with her for a couple of days. Now she’s about to lose 7 years of her life all based on lies like she just told me. I feel so bad for her. Nancy’s a sweetheart who wouldn’t hurt anyone. A lot of these scumbags deserve what they get and more, but Nancy’s as innocent of any wrongdoing as I am. I just know it, although I don’t know the details of her case. I suspect it has to do with kids, but she’s no more abusive than Rosa could’ve been.

When Hudgens said goodbye to me last night, she said whatever I do, don’t come back.

Oh, I won’t! I’d die first. Not only because this place isn’t a nice place to be, regardless of how the people are, but because the embarrassment alone of facing Teddy Bear would kill me. She’d no doubt be shocked as well as disappointed in me.

I thought about telling Teddy Bear that Peaches had a crush on her just to see her reaction, but I already know what it’d be. She’d just say something like, “Oh,” and blush. Then again, maybe she wouldn’t. I thought she���d blush over my telling her how much better her hair looks growing out, but instead, she seemed pleased by the compliment.

Mena just scared the shit out of me by saying that although she’s not sure, she doesn’t know if I’ll be allowed to go to Pinal County since my charges are in Maricopa County. This doesn’t help to comfort me at all, although Tom said that according to the paperwork, I have a right to remain in my home, then get my probation transferred out there.

I lost my freedom, I lost my husband, and now I’m going to lose my home? I don’t think so! I am not going to be forced out of my own home!

God, how do I ever shake these sick, deranged freeloaders from my life?!?! It’s bad enough that they’ve fucked it up this much and are going to get away with it, but you mean they’re going to fuck it up even more? And just how much more? I’m never going to get my life back, never! They’re going to victimize me to my death! I feel like everything I’d normally look forward to once getting out of here is just a dream.

When Mena saw how upset I was getting at the idea of being run out of my own home by my tormentors, she tried to assure me I’d be OK and that they won’t ask me to do things that are unreasonable.

They won’t? Then why am I here over this bullshit and being treated like a child? Why am I going to be told to change my life and probably even where I live when I get out of here?

When is this shit ever going to end?!

THURSDAY, APRIL 19, 2001 Hudgens is on now, and earlier we had Mejia on, who I hope to hell never returns before I leave. God, what a rude bitch! She woke me up constantly with her keys jingling, her walkie-talkie blasting and her non-stop mouth. At one point she was cussing up a storm, telling Tiffany to shut up.

Real professional, huh?

I’m trying to sleep later so I can stay up easier when I leave. I napped towards the end of first shift, but Mejia would wake me up every time she’d go through the door, slamming the hell out of it, and the juvies were screaming as if someone was trying to kill them.

Laticia moved in with Myra, Marla and that other Mexican, so 2 is empty right now. Jamie can go down there when she gets into a fight with Tiffany.

As soon as I went downstairs on my hour out, Myra and Marla were telling me all about it. Myra said she didn’t hit her, as much as she wanted to (I don’t blame her) because court is going well, and she wants to keep her record clean here. She’s gotten no write-ups in the year she’s been here, which shocked the shit out of me to learn. I’m surprised I haven’t been written up in the nearly 6 months I’ve been here. I have a temper, too.

When Temple was on last night, I told her I had 9 days left, and she said she was just thinking about that. Hope she remembers the 29th!

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 18, 2001 Just 10 days left! Teddy Bear, please come back before I leave.

The pictures arrived today.

Bunch just came on. Bunch is cool, but it’d sure be even cooler if she swapped with Teddy Bear! Teddy Bear might not even be here, though. Their days off vary. I asked her why she swapped with Teddy Bear the other night (of course, I referred to her as Johnson) and she said because the sergeant told her to.

Not that I’m complaining, but I wonder why.

It was great to finally see Tom yesterday! He got to meet Misery too, who was doing visitation. I talked the poor guy’s ears off, bouncing between my excitement over leaving and my fears of what lies ahead for me.

On my way out I noticed M’s entry door does have a keyhole. Then why do they always operate the door from the control station?

Vasquez worked today. She told me they canceled the coffee cart because they weren’t making enough money.

Weren’t making enough money?! How much more money does this jail need? It gets donated food, thousands of dollars in “rent,” thousands in commissary, and it doesn’t make enough money? Talk about greedy little shits! Fortunately, I only have 10 days left, and this will be one less thing to wake me up when I’m not already up.

I caught up on my sleep today. I was beat yesterday because Laticia was out first and that mouth woke me up. When the mouth was finally locked down, I couldn’t fall back asleep.

Tom ought to have made my dentist appointment by now. I hope he has because I have to get these things filled in. Every time I get ahead with my teeth or my weight, something sets me back. I just about had my cavity problem kicked, then the freeloaders had to go and fuck things up all over again for me.

Once again, though, I’m not 100% regretful over all this what with how much I’ve learned. It’s been quite an adventure! It’s also going to make life all the more special. Together, Tom and I will appreciate things all the more. And Teddy Bear? I wouldn’t trade meeting her for the world! The only thing I’d change is never being here in the first place. But I am here and I’ve been here and that fiery Palma will always be a hell of a memory to hold onto. So will Rosa and Mary.

Right now it’s looking like the only ones I’ll write to after I’ve been out a year besides Teddy Bear will be Rule, Palma and Pérez. Maybe Espi too, but I doubt Chambers.

I’m mentally analyzing Teddy Bear again. I love to think about her (in both intimate and non-intimate situations)! I keep wondering when she was onto me about my liking her. First I think she couldn’t have figured that out till I started kiting her, but the expression on her face when she took the first kite out of the trap suggests she knew then.

That sergeant is back. Gundy’s his name. Does this mean he shot Bunch again and Teddy Bear’s on her way in? That’d be awesome if that were the case, but somehow I doubt it is. I think he’s just breaking for Bunch.

Yeah, he was just breaking for her. When Bunch returned, she let me out to make a quick call to Tom. I just wanted to let him know I love and miss him and apologize for being such an emotional basket case!

When Bunch let me out I said, “Thanks a bunch, Bunch,” and Bunch laughed, calling me smart-alecky.

While I was on the phone, Marla called out for me to get Bunch’s attention. Jamie and Myra got into it like I knew they would, and Myra and Marla wanted her out. I told Bunch not to put her with me or I’d kick her ass and she just smiled in amusement, though I was dead serious. She’s like another Melinda Brinkman – delusional, can’t get along with anyone, can’t shut up. She was moved up to 4.

This is the longest I’ve ever stayed put in this jail – 31 days.

That was a good dinner for a change. Cheesy burritos with fresh salad and a donut. I ignored the boring potatoes.

It looks like the Mexican girl that was in 4 is back in 1.

I forgot to mention that Garcia worked last night, so I got to ask her why she came in here. She said this cell is very hard to see in, so she wanted to make sure everything was OK before she left.

That’s so rude. She came in last night, too. She should be more considerate and use the fucking flashlight. She went into the juvi’s cell too, which is identical to this one. I saw the creature that lives there too, as I was waiting for an escort yesterday. Through the tower, I saw it come up from the shower room. It looked to be exactly as I pictured – a scrawny Mexican.

MONDAY, APRIL 16, 2001 It looks like Gomez is on again.

Osborne worked earlier. The one who I’ve only known to do visitation. She said she hates it.

Is this girl always in such a sour mood? And where are our regular DOs? Where’s Vasquez, Chambers, Brea, etc.? And is Pérez ever going to get back in here before I leave?

People have shuffled around again. Jamie and Marla, the girl with the nice hair, moved in with Myra, while Laticia moved in where Jamie and Marla were, and the other Mexican girl came up to join Nancy and Tiffany. Mattie and Sarah are still together.

Took a nap that began on 1st shift and extended into 2nd, but without a clock, I couldn’t say how long I was out. Long enough to be up really late. Good, I couldn’t sleep earlier anyway with the way that thing next door’s got to yell and bang till 2 AM. A classic attention-getter just dying to be heard.

I can’t remember if it’s hot dog night or not, but not even they disgust me as much anymore since I’m leaving soon and since they give you a bunch of other crap to fill up on.

The showers have been so hot. You can barely stand them. I don’t understand why we can’t control our own water temperature!

As soon as Tate approached my door last night, I informed her I had 288 hours to go.

She laughed and said, “They warned me next door that you’d tell me how many days you had left. But I told them, no, I want to know hours.”

Dinner came early, just as the last of the sunlight faded. It was sausage patties. They were edible, but not my favorite.

Miss Creeps has really turned out to be Miss Nice. And so fast, too. It took most of the DOs a couple of months to warm up to me, and that includes Palma and Teddy Bear. I’ve never had a DO I just met go from appearing so cold and serious to being all smiles and considerate. During my nap, she obviously closed the door on the end here real quietly. I noticed this as I was waking up. After she saw I was up, she closed it like they usually do, although the door is one of those consistent things I can sleep through, unless it’s slammed unusually hard.

She had her eyes on the clipboard as she was walking down the tier before dinner. She began to walk past me, then backed up and said with a smile, “There you are.”

I said, “I was wondering why you walked past the door,” and she said, in a soft-spoken voice that clashed with her harsh looks, that she always thinks this is a water well door.

After dinner, I was lying down when she did a walk. She came in and told me I could put my tray outside the door so she wouldn’t have to wake me up if I fell asleep. That was nice of her, although I’m sure I’ll be up really late.

I don’t know what it is about that Teddy Bear. I guess it’s just her award-winning personality because she’s so ugly, yet so hot! I’ve never been attracted to someone like her before. I never would’ve believed it if someone told me I’d one day lust for a dyky, giant redhead. I also realized over the last few weeks that I’ve developed feelings for Teddy Bear that border on love. Tom said this would happen too, but I just laughed at him. He said years ago that although I’d still love him, I’d one day fall in love with some woman. Well, I guess I did, in a sense, but I’d still kill myself if anything happened to Tom. I couldn’t imagine life without him. Even so, it’s a nice feeling to know that if I were suddenly alone and homeless, Teddy Bear would be there for me. Somehow I just know she would be. Unlike with Palma, I could probably have a happy life with her, but no one could ever make me as happy as Tom has. I just can’t imagine another human being loving me that much and being that accepting, supportive, patient, tolerant, understanding, etc.

I still can’t believe she doesn’t mind me being so short! If so many other short women and women of average height could reject me for being short as they did, I’m surprised someone so tall would be OK with it.

Andy would be teasing the hell out of me about this if we were still friends. He’d say something like, “See? You didn’t have to spend all that time going to gay bars to find Miss Right. All you had to do was get set up and go to jail.”

Yeah, after finding Mr. Right, and I was never even looking for Mr. Right in the first place. You know what they say, though. It’s when we’re not looking that we meet people.

SUNDAY, APRIL 15, 2001 And now there are 4 beds available in here. Peaches is gone. At least I won’t have to compete with her for Teddy Bear’s attention if Teddy Bear returns before I leave, and I think she will.

Before Peaches left, she was out cleaning and bragging to me, “I’m Johnson’s favorite,” she said.

No, you’re not.

“She just loves me.”

If you only knew!

“She’s gonna miss me something bad.”

That’s OK. What you don’t know won’t hurt you.

“I’m so glad she likes me.”

Don’t worry. I won’t burst your bubble.

Miss Creeps ended up smiling at me last night. I was downright shocked. I didn’t think she was capable of it. Even Misery smiled when she breaked for Armstrong, never telling me to dispose of the rats. If the rats can survive Misery and two sergeants, they can survive anyone. Maybe not Kahn, though. I hope she won’t be back in time for me to find out.

After all this time, I’d have to say Pancake Face Smith is even worse than Misery. Misery can at least smile every now and then and chat with us. Well, I haven’t seen her chat with anyone else, but she has chatted with me.

I called Tom on my hour out. He’s just kicking back on the computer.

I hope to hell the psycho PO doesn’t show up to see me before I leave. I may’ve resigned myself to the fact that I won’t do what I can’t do, but I don’t want to see this pathetic, very obviously biased asshole who’s hell-bent on trying to make my life on the outs as miserable as can be, any more than I have to. Again, just the fact that she ignored Tom and I tells me there’ll be no reasoning with this one. She’s going to be a control freak from hell, and I wouldn’t put it past her to lie to try to violate me back in here.

Well, let me set the record straight – abscond or not, I’m never coming back here!!!!!

SATURDAY, APRIL 14, 2001 Jamie’s not on restriction, thank God. Now I hope Chambers is on tomorrow. Either she or Brea ought to be. Tomaszewski’s on now.

Finishing up with when Teddy Bear was here – yes, she does like me for sure. At least it sure appears that I’m looking at the situation logically and not just assuming that she likes me simply because I like her and would be flattered if she liked me back. If she hasn’t figured out by now that I like her, then she’s incredibly stupid, with the exception of being good with numbers and foreign languages.

Teddy Bear moved the two Mexicans downstairs with Myra and Peaches. I guess Laticia’s got a bad leg like I initially figured.

For the second time, Teddy Bear surprised me by guessing correctly how many days I have left.

I still don’t know who Teddy Bear’s with, either, so she may have to be discreet about our visits. If she were with a guy, she probably wouldn’t have to be secretive about it because guys tend not to mind when it’s another woman. That’s the one and only area where Tom’s like your “typical male.” She might be glad I’m with Tom so she doesn’t have to worry about any strings being attached. Strings scare most people.

She’s a lot like Tom personality-wise. She’s smart, interesting, funny, and the kind you know you can trust and depend on when you need to. She’s also like Tom as far as how easy-going she is. She’s a very laid-back, passive kind of person. I’m more emotional and aggressive than she is. Even though we’ve got things in common, we’re different at the same time. I like that, though I know most people like duplicates. I like people who are different than me, for the most part. I think it balances things out better that way. I wouldn’t want to have too much in common or be too different. Of course, it depends on how we’re different. She doesn’t have to like the same music I like, but if she were into drugs, then we’d have a problem.

Palma and I would clash as a couple. We’re too alike.

I gave Teddy Bear the farewell kite I made up for her, just in case she’s not back before I leave. I don’t know if she read it before she left. She never said anything about it. It’ll be interesting to see if she mentions it the next time she works. Being as subtle yet as blunt as I could, I dropped enough hints about my liking her. I’m 99% sure she knows, though. At first, she just didn’t seem to get it no matter what I did, and I was like - yo, I’m trying to tell you I like you! Comprende? I’m usually a blunt person, but in jail, it’s sometimes best not to be that way.

She’s so hot and I want her so bad! I love to spy on her, too. Something I’m trying to be very discreet about. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable. But I love to watch her as she leaves the pod. She looks just as good from behind as she does in front. I love those strong, broad shoulders, and oh, she has the nicest buns! That ain’t no fat, sagging butt, that’s for sure! I just want to run my hands up her back, across her shoulders, back down even lower to her buns, roam around in front, kiss those lips… Don’t worry, Teddy Bear. I won’t bother to get into what I’d like you to do to me. Oh, if only she knew just what x-rated thoughts go through my mind! In fact, sometimes I have to relieve myself she gets me so horny. Yeah, that’s something you can do in jail, believe it or not. I usually do it at night when the lights are out. I’ve even done in when I wasn’t alone. When your bunkies are in bed, they can’t see you. They could in A Tower, if you’re on a bunk against the back wall and they’re on the sidewall, so you might want to wait till they’re asleep.

I don’t think I’ve written about all the dreams I’ve had with her in them yet, both wet and dry, but mostly wet. I told her about some of them, but of course, I neglected to tell her about the explicit ones (That’d really kill her!).

I’ve had lots of Teddy Bear dreams, including one where she rescued me from the sink I had climbed on and couldn’t get back down from. (I was so impressed with how easily she swooped me off and down with one arm)

In one rather wet dream, she led me down from my cell and into the computer room the juvies use, which had no windows in the dream. I was wearing nothing but my gown. I walked into the room ahead of her, she shut the door behind me, turned around to face me, then folded her arms across her chest, looking really cool with a slight smile on her face. Then she says in a tone that was a mixture of seriousness and playfulness, “Now, how can I get you to be nice to people and quit barking at everyone around here?” (I guess I had been yelling at people in one of my many tizzy fits).

I told her to sit down and we’d discuss it. After she sat on a chair I straddled her lap and sat on it, facing her. I leaned towards her and whispered in her ear, “I’ve got no undies on under my gown.”

Her eyes suddenly widened as if in shock and she goes, “Is that so, Miss S?”

Then in the middle of this juicy scene, someone’s loud-mouth woke me up.

I was fuming!

I don’t know where the hell we were in this dream, but it was somebody’s house. We were talking, walking from room to room. The last room we ended up in must’ve been a bedroom because it had a bed in it. She stepped out to go to the bathroom, and when she came back, I was sitting on the bed with one of the spaghetti straps of my very short and low-cut sundress hanging off my shoulder suggestively. I said, “I love a woman in uniform. Do you like a woman in lingerie? Are you still shy, Officer Johnson?” But before this wet dream could continue, somebody’s mouth went and dried it up. I don’t know who was yelling, but oh, it was so frustrating being woken up at that very moment! Couldn’t they have waited till I at least had an answer to my question?!

One of the funniest dreams was the one where we were in some store together and ran right smack into Palma (wouldn’t Palma get a kick out of that in real life!). We had split up for a minute and then I was calling to her, just as I rounded a corner and found her talking to Palma. Teddy Bear, who suddenly looks as guilty as a kid caught with their hand in a cookie jar says, “Here’s someone you ought to know.”

Palma looks back and forth between the two of us, sizing up the situation. I realized she realized we were a couple. Teddy Bear then got all shy and defensive, saying she just ran into me.

“No, she didn’t,” I told Palma. “We’ve been an item for ages.” Then Teddy Bear insists she never put her hands on me, and I’m like, “Don’t listen to her, Palma. She’s put her hands on me plenty and she does a damn good job of it, too.”

This is when Teddy Bear, whose face was crimson by now, yanks me by the arm and drags me out of the store, asking how I could do that while I was laughing my ass off.

I wonder - is something up there trying to tell me something about Teddy Bear by having me have all these dreams? And just how many dreams could’ve been connected to her that I didn’t realize at the time? How many weren’t just dreams, but were visions of some kind?

Anyway, I told her I was having Tom send in a few pictures. If she doesn’t get them before I leave, that’ll be OK, because she can always see them in the future. I told her I might burn her a CD, and that Tom’s a computer expert who could help her if she ever needed it.

“Excelente,” she said.

For a minute I almost considered having Tom send in the shot of me modeling for Favors, since I’m not totally nude in that shot, with my hair covering my tits, but then decided against it. The nurses would have to scoop the poor girl off the floor if I hit her with that one.

How does this woman stand it when she has to do strip searches? Lucky for her she’s not in the tents. They do strip searches there all the time. I won’t even begin to imagine what it’d be like for her to walk into a topless club!

Anyway, the pictures consist of a few of me from before and after I cut my hair, one of me handling Oreo, and the superimposed one of me floating in the pool with a giant rat on my stomach.

She asked me about some movie actor I’d never heard of before, and I told her I wasn’t into TV much and that when I did watch, I preferred mystery and horror movies. Things with haunted houses. She says I ought to see Beetlejuice because it’s funny and there’s a haunted house in it.

I asked her if she had any “dead friends,” and she said a couple, but they were stuffed.

Yuck! Stuffed dolls are a bore.

I asked her, “Since most DOs don’t like working M because they say it’s boring, why don’t you swap off till I leave?”

Smiling, she said she would if anyone wanted to. I wish she could work here every night! She sure does make the time fly when she’s here! I suppose that’d look funny, though, if she were suddenly requesting to work here a lot.

After she was commenting on how small my retainers are, saying I have a small mouth (I let her know Tom would disagree), I told her I wish my teeth were as white as hers (and Tom’s). She said, “Oh,” right as she turned to move on. I couldn’t swear to it, but I think she blushed. Not that embarrassed, uncomfortable kind of blush, but one that said she was flattered. Teddy Bear does strike me as the type, after all, who’d speak up if someone made her uncomfortable in any way.

I pulled my I’m-Linda-Ronstadt’s-daughter routine on her and she fell for it right away. In the past, I’d leave her believing it indefinitely, but I couldn’t lie to her.

I asked if she noticed the resemblance, and she said, “There’s a big resemblance. You have her hair.”

After I told her I was only kidding but agreed we looked a lot alike, even in the eyes, she said, “You do have her eyes. That’s what was always so pretty about her.”

To me, if you tell someone they look like someone you think is pretty, they’re telling you you’re pretty too, so I took this as a major compliment. It wouldn’t have fazed me if someone like Pancake Face Smith said that to me, but coming from Teddy Bear made it special.

Later I told her, “I don’t mean to embarrass or offend you, but I like your hair better longer.”

It’s grown out some in the time I’ve been here and it looks much better this way. She used to wear her hair in a ponytail, but when it got long and bushy, she started braiding it. It’s a few inches below her shoulders in back. Her hair’s thin, though, so her braid’s half the width of mine. Meanwhile, she didn’t even blush when I told her I liked it!

She said, “Oh, you like it? I’m trying to grow out the sides without sacrificing style.”

What style? She doesn’t have any style any more than I do.

It’s funny how so many bad things have their good points as well. If I’d gotten out of here sooner, that would’ve been great, but my relationship with Teddy Bear never would’ve blossomed into what it is. She talks too soft sometimes, though.

I do not like the DO that’s on now. Maybe that’s just because she’s ugly and I’ve never seen her before. I don’t even know her name. She has these squinty, mean, devilish-looking eyes.

I talked to Tom earlier. He says he’s doing things around the house that’ll surprise me because they’re things I don’t expect him to do.

I also got a letter from him, telling me about work and how the prairie dogs love the lettuce plants.

It was Friday the 13th when he wrote it, saying 13 is a good number for him. Why? Because it’s not for most of us? Although it did save my life one time, and it did bring Teddy Bear that night she swapped with Bunch at the last minute.

Gomez is this creepy-looking thing’s name, from what I just saw. It’s dead quiet, too. It’s like she just snuffed the life out of everyone here and everyone’s afraid to utter a sound or make a move.

I also don’t like the way she’s always at the computer, as if she’s looking to see who she can stick with me.

FRIDAY, APRIL 13, 2001 Friday the 13th has brought about a sad change. Mary’s gone, but I’ll explain in a sec.

First of all, Fisher got a kick out of how I wrote how many days I had left on the back of my envelopes.

I saw a canine dog out in the hall. Probably sniffing for drugs in Alpha.

I’m wondering why it is that the juvies haven’t been in school lately. Maybe they’re on vacation, although I find it hard to believe they have “vacations” in jail. Inmates that work don’t. In fact, most jobs are 7 days a week.

I don’t think they should get special privileges just because they’re minors, like having the computer room. Why should they? Most adults did just as much to get into this jail as they did to get in here.

Out of the many times I was woken up, one of them was due to Jamie screaming at the nurse on her hour out. The nurse ignored her, I guess. When I asked her to be quiet, she told me to go fuck myself.

I’ll remember never to chat with her again or do her any favors.

Jamie’s new celly, who seems a lot saner than she is, sure does have beautiful hair. Long, straight, even and healthy.

I got up for the last time at 10:30 when I heard yelling coming from down in the big tank, and once again, there are 3 empty beds, soon to be 4. Apparently, the black bitch went off on Glenn, the intake DO, and Mary got into it with both the bitch and Peaches. The bitch left first for A Tower, and Wilder left Mary sitting down in the dayroom.

“What’s going on, Mary?” I called down to her.

“I asked to move up with you, but I’m going to A Tower.”

Sure enough, I saw Wilder on the phone, then I saw her pull her card. She rolled her up and she was gone. I’ll probably never see her again, though I do intend to write to her.

I asked Wilder why she couldn’t have put Mary in here, and she said, “Because I don’t do what inmates tell me to do, and I don’t do it based on threats.”

Whatever.

My only worry is fucking Jamie. I thought I heard she was on restriction again. If she is, Chambers will come and swap us. The nut’s 30 days are almost up and I asked her the other day if she was going to return to the tents. “No,” she said. “I need to stay here to punish myself so I don’t fuck up again because this is more jail-like than the tents are.”

Not compared to A Tower, it ain’t! A Tower is so jail. So loud, so filthy, so big. If M were a kitten, A would be the lion. This pod’s square footage isn’t much bigger than our Phoenix house. A pod in A Tower is like 2 or more of our Maricopa house.

As always, I have mixed emotions about staying here, but at this point, I’d prefer to stay here than go to A. It’s mostly because of Teddy Bear. It really gives me peace of mind knowing someone here cares about me. She’d probably even lie for me if A Tower called over wanting to know how many empty beds there were, and yeah, there is something between us. There’s no denying it now. I just don’t know the extent of it yet, but I think I’ll eventually find out.

Anyway, my first instinct was to cuss Jamie out, threaten to break Peaches in half for driving Mary out of here, and be rather cold to Smith and Wilder (I don’t know why they have two DOs on today. Neither of them is training, and this isn’t Pancake Face Smith. This is some skinny butch I’ve never seen before). This didn’t happen, though. Instead, I ended up chatting with both Myra and Peaches, and Smith and Wilder were way too nice for me to snob. They’d smile or wave when they’d walk by, offer to help me carry the stuff I bought from the coffee cart, etc. I met Wilder, who’s always been cool, the night I came here and was in the intake area.

Myra’s as sad as I am about Mary’s being rolled out of here. Peaches says she’s bonding out Sunday, but will have to return to court and will probably get 4 months. We were discussing different DOs, and I hope I didn’t make a mistake when I mentioned Teddy Bear’s kicking Silvia out so I could be alone. Peaches seemed jealous. See, I know she has a thing for Teddy Bear. She just won’t admit it.

“I don’t think they can do that,” she said, but like Myra pointed out, they have the power.

I asked Smith not to put anyone with me if she could help it, and she asked why. I told her it was because I’m not a people person.

“You’re doing fine with me,” she said.

That’s because I don’t have to live with her in this tiny little room.

Out goes Smith and Wilder and in comes Bunch. Every time I see it’s not Teddy Bear, I get a little bummed.

Now that I’m able to stand to think of Tom, I wonder how he is. He’d still be at work. I’ve always wondered/thought about him. It’s just that now I can do it without getting so damned depressed.

I’m sooooo psyched! Teddy Bear’s on!!!

The juvies were picking on poor Teddy Bear. They were holding the door as she was trying to unlock it. She set them straight real fast and yelled, “Let go of the door or you’re all on lockdown!”

They let go really fast.

To me, all the sergeants have seemed like mean, strict, power-hungry assholes with no sense of humor, but that wasn’t the case with the dude that was here earlier before Teddy Bear showed up. He cracked me up. I asked him what happened to Bunch and he goes, “I shot her and buried her in the basement.”

The best news is my letter from Tom! He said he’s been really busy, the PO Box wouldn’t open, and of course, Visitation was canceled. He said he was sorry he wrote a letter complaining, but with all the complaining I’ve done to him, he oughta do some complaining of his own for a change!

I also got a really nice note from Helen and a beautiful card from Ida. They were both brief, saying they hope to hear from me as soon as I get out.

THURSDAY, APRIL 12, 2001 Espi finally worked here, and Fisher’s on now. She got a kick out of how I rock back and forth to the music.

I was beginning to think Espi wouldn’t make it back before I left. She said she’ll try to get in right before I leave.

As usual, we laughed and chatted, and she loved the jokes I told her.

Some Mexican girl came in last night. Rylel put her in with Jamie, then quickly pulled her out because the room was too small for her. She’s next door now. She seems kind of timid.

Laticia and her juvi pal were chatting again, but this time they did it on her hour out, so it wasn’t so loud and obnoxious.

Mary gave me the address of where she’ll be in Fort Myers, Florida. She’s leaving in a week or so. Earlier than she thought. I never thought she’d leave first! I’m going to miss her, too! The address she gave me is a jail, not a prison. She says she doesn’t know when she’ll return to Arizona. With her in a different jail, I’ll feel more comfortable about sending the last 4 months’ worth of journals to her, but of course, I’m still going to edit them. I’m not sure if I’ll send her everything at once, or a few pages at a time enclosed with letters. She said she’s got more testifying to do here, then in Florida. I wonder why two states? Hopefully, I’ll learn more about the case someday.

Till Mary leaves, there are only 2 empty beds here now. God, I wish I could stay alone till I leave!!!

I’ve been in this cell now for 25 days.

I can’t stop thinking about Tom, Houdini, home, and all the things I’m looking so forward to doing! How do I ever repay Tom for all he’s done for me? For standing by me? For writing to me? For visiting? For not getting jealous of Palma or Teddy Bear and thinking he’s no longer #1? For everything? As I said before, I feel just as guilty as I do angry over this shit.

As for Teddy Bear – I can’t get that woman off my mind! I think about her just as much. What’s so neat about her getting the mice from me is that she’s the one who brought it up. I told her I might give any extra babies to our local snakes, since pet stores aren’t close to us, and she goes, “Some mouse mother you are!”

This is around the time she said, “Maybe I’ll get some from you.”

A zillion questions run through my mind. Does she like me? Does she know I like her? How many people has she been with and for how long? Why did the relationships end (bet she’s never been with a stripper before)? She’s probably been with a guy at least once, but she always struck me as being more into women. I think she’s gay and not bi, but who knows? I can’t picture her hanging out in gay bars all that often, not that I blame her. Too many phonies, alkies and druggies in bars, gay or straight.

I know I really like someone when I wonder about them all the time. I don’t give a shit about most people, but when I find question after question running through my head, I know I’ve got a thing for them. I wonder about all kinds of things about her. Why is someone as wonderful as she is alone? You’d think someone would’ve grabbed her a long time ago. Of course, that’s what I said about Tom when we first met.

I wonder just how many other admirers she has in this jail. Peaches and I certainly couldn’t be the only ones. Am I the only one in jail she’s liked? Will there be others? As much as I don’t want the poor girl to be lonely and as much as I know she deserves someone, I’m like - Teddy Bear, please don’t forget me! Please don’t let someone else steal your heart! But I know it’s bound to happen someday, and as jealous as I’ll be, I’ll just have to deal with it and get over it. Perhaps not all good things come to an end, but most do. For now, all you other inmates – the woman’s mine!

I also wonder things like, what does she look like with her hair down? I wonder what it’d look like in a high ponytail once it gets longer. Nice, I’ll bet. She may look great in uniform, but what does she look like in casual clothes?

She doesn’t wear much makeup. Just foundation and eyeliner, but why she wears just eyeliner, beats me. You can ignore the eyeshadow, but you need to add some brown mascara to that eyeliner, honey.

What was her childhood like? What about the places she’s lived?

I wonder more about other jobs she’s had as well as about her job as a DO. I’ve always thought it was a fascinating job. Sorry, Tom, but Teddy Bear’s job is way more interesting than yours! If I was with her, I could see myself asking with interest how her night at work was once she got home. And after having been there, I’d know some of the people/places within the jail she was talking about. I certainly wouldn’t have to ask her, “What’s M Dorm like? Describe it to me.”

I wonder if she’ll ever be a sergeant. Probably not. She’s not mean enough.

What else do we have in common besides mice and foreign languages? I doubt she had the same shitty, abusive childhood I had. She doesn’t even sing. I can tell that by the way she talks.

Once again, I believe I’ll have all the answers someday. When I’m meant to know whatever I’m meant to know, I’ll know it.

Other signs that I like someone, besides being curious about them (I don’t think she’ll ask a lot of questions about my life only because most people don’t), is how my heart races when she approaches my door. Miss I-don’t-give-a-shit-what-people-think is also more self-conscious and wanting to do right by her because of my fondness and respect for her.

I just realized that just because I may be forced to abscond from the probation, doesn’t mean I can’t see Teddy Bear. She wouldn’t have to know, but I couldn’t try to expose the lying, biased pig and sue Joe. I’d rather see Teddy Bear if given the choice (besides, not having any connections of my own as the black bitch did would no doubt prevent me from being able to sue Joe). I may abscond anyway. I mean, do I really want to give another 2 ½ years of my life to these freeloaders? I think I’ve put in more than enough time and money for those very sick creatures.

I’ve been a little more emotional lately, as the reality of my leaving slowly sets in. I’m sooo excited! But I’m scared, too. If only I could know I was worrying for nothing and that Tom was right in all he’s said about this probation shit!

Fucking freeloaders! Ugh! I hate them! Why, oh why, God, did you create such pitiful creatures?!

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 11, 2001 Mena’s on now, and believe it or not, she’s going to let me call Tom later. I never liked Mena much because she reminded me too much of Dureen. Maybe she’s not all that bad, though. She even liked the rats! I was surprised.

I was also surprised that the black are-you-OK nurse was friendly for the first time this morning. She woke me up long before she reached my door, and when she did, I was sipping my strawberry soda.

“That stuff tastes good, doesn’t it?” she asked in a cheery voice.

I got a letter from Tom today, informing me that the prairie dogs are getting some of the peas and lettuce. I knew they would. He also enclosed tax forms for me to sign and return.

Means was on again today, teasing everyone. She’s way cool but too loud for 1st shift. When she asked me how I was, I said I was a little tired because a certain loud-mouthed DO kept waking me up.

She said, “I better tell that bitch off!”

That sunlight’s going to be blinding when I get out of here! The realization that yes, I am going home soon, is starting to set in. I cried tears of disbelief and happiness earlier, after looking up through the skylight, knowing that soon I would be out there! Not soon enough, though.

Six months of my life nearly gone. What a waste.

Or was it? Well, of course it was, and of course I’d never been here at all if I had to start all over again, but at the same time, I learned so much and met quite a few interesting people! I even learned that I can handle a lot more than I ever thought I could. When I think of Teddy Bear, I certainly can’t say it was all a waste. The idea of seeing her again makes me hope all the more that the probation works out and that I’m not forced to run.

I wish I could figure that Teddy Bear out! She’s as hard to figure as Palma was at times. Teddy Bear’s nice to everyone, but with all she’s done for me, could she possibly like me? Just like with Palma, for everything she says/does that suggests she doesn’t favor me in any way, she says/does things that suggest there could be more to it. More than with Palma. Palma never opened my door on practically every other walk to tell me things going on with her. Palma never kicked someone out of here so I could be alone. Palma never laughed with me like Teddy Bear does.

If Teddy Bear’s married to a man and has kids, I find it awfully strange that she hasn’t mentioned them. She’s mentioned her pets, her father, and her uncle, but no guys or kids. Teddy Bear seems like a more private type of person, so I suppose that even if she did like me, she wouldn’t discuss it with me. At least not here, she wouldn’t. If I asked her, though, she’d probably answer some of my questions, but I haven’t done so, so I could keep the mystery going. Sometimes it’s more fun to guess and to try to figure people out. Meanwhile, if we’re meant to be friends, pen-pals or anything more, I’ll get the answers then.

Her making my life here less miserable, the suggesting we see each other in a year, the blushing, the smiles, may be a sign of her liking me, but I don’t know for sure.

Her diamond ring makes no sense. If she were gay, she’d more than likely be the dude in the relationship and that’s the wrong ring for that. The non-dominant one wears diamonds or bands, but the dominant one usually wears just bands like a guy would.

She’s way more masculine than Palma. Palma’s only masculine from the neck down, although her face isn’t exactly soft and feminine, either. Teddy Bear’s only feminine quality is her voice. She’s shaped like a man, with wide shoulders and narrow hips, and being as tall as she is only adds to her masculinity. Again, my tastes have changed because I love everything about her. She has OK eyes which become better than OK with eyeliner and mascara. The color of them is beautiful. They’re light brown with flecks of red that go great with her hair. Her rosy lips go nicely with her hair, too. She has nice white teeth, even though they’re a little crooked. She doesn’t look mean like Palma does, although Palma doesn’t look that mean when she’s smiling.

If I were Teddy Bear’s girlfriend, I’d feel safe with her just about anywhere. With a nearly 6-foot girlfriend in tow, I don’t think many people would mess with me. She’s Tom’s size. She’s at least 5’ 10”, 180-200 pounds, but Palma’s only around 5’ 3”, 140 pounds.

Tiffany thinks she looks both goofy and cute. Especially because of how shy she is.

I wrote her a little farewell kite in case I never see her again while I’m still here. Meaning, even if she shows up tomorrow, I’ll still give it to her.

I enclosed our number in the kite in case my letter doesn’t make it to her.

In the kite, I thanked her for making me laugh and for always making me feel safe. I told her I was looking forward to building my mouse community when I get out, and that I’ll miss her, but she’s worth the wait. I also told her she never had to tell me anything she didn’t want to tell me, but I sure am curious about the person who might adopt mice from me and hoped we could learn more about each other in the future and maybe be net pen pals. I thanked her for caring and asked how the new bird was and if she was teaching it to swear – hee, hee! I told her I have “dead” friend Barbies, too. Even a black one because every “stalking racist” has to have one!

Yes, Teddy Bear’s definitely my favorite DO.

Sorry, Palma!

I don’t know if I can ever bring myself to have sex with Tom again, and I get the feeling he’s not any more interested than I am. Guess that’s what goes with being together so long. The sex becomes too comfortable and too predictable. I’ve heard a lot of other people say that their desire dwindles after so many years, too. It doesn’t mean I don’t love Tom. It doesn’t mean he’s ugly or a bad person, but this is what always happens to me even after just a few months. Those that I was with for about 6 months, well, by the 3rd month or so, I was sick of the sex once it was no longer new and exciting. It’d probably last a long time with Teddy Bear, though, if we ever were an item because I’d be the most attracted to her out of anyone I’ve ever been with, be it for one night or longer. She’s definitely the best-looking one I’ve ever gotten! Or at least hope to get.

Also, he may’ve been telling the truth about not deliberately holding back, but he just seemed to have too many – I don’t know – excuses, I guess you could say. It was like he’d use things going on either with me or with something else as an excuse to avoid me, rather than come out and say that he just wasn’t in the mood.

My only concern about having a sexual relationship with Teddy Bear is that there have been sexual problems with just about everyone I’ve ever been with. Either that or they have some weird quirk in bed or are boring. I kind of picture Teddy Bear to be a bore in bed because of how shy she is. I have to consider that old sex hex I’ve got on me and the fact that it may interfere with the non-sexual side of our relationship, and again, I’d get bored with it eventually, regardless of what I felt for her and even if it took me longer to tire of her sexually.

Mena walked by and I asked if I could call on her next walk.

She said, “Maybe. I didn’t say yes.”

“But you will because you’re going to be nice to me tonight,” I said.

Sure enough, on her next walk, she let me out and says, “Two minutes! That’s all you’ve got!”

Oh, go pick your nose and eat your snots, Mena!

I ran down quickly and told Tom how sorry I was that we didn’t get to see each other. He’s sorry too, but we both agree that my being close to the end makes it easier to deal with. We quickly talked about mail, and I told him Teddy Bear was going to get some of our mice in a year.

TUESDAY, APRIL 10, 2001 I’m pissed! Pissed and depressed, but mostly pissed. There are no visits other than legal visits today because the fucking visitation people are at Madison once a month, and of course, it has to fall on Tuesday. I guess this is a new thing. I feel like something’s teasing me with Tom and is determined to drive a wedge between us! So I wrote him a letter about everything I would’ve told him in person. Thank God I only have 2½ weeks left of this shit! I thought about asking him to come on Sunday, but with the way this guy works, I don’t want to put him out.

I asked Gibb if I could call him and she mouthed, “No, because I already told next door they couldn’t use the phone.”

No problem. I’ll get him on 2nd shift tomorrow night, more than likely.

Means worked earlier. She’s so funny. She grabbed the phone from Myra, who was talking to her cousin, and says, “Hi there!” really loud.

I didn’t fall asleep last night till 4:00 or 5:00 in the morning and was up by 7:00. Then I napped for a couple of hours in the late morning.

We were all pretty pissed last night because commissary never showed up here or in C tower. They didn’t come till this afternoon, and the stupid idiots kept my slip to credit me for the Kit Kat they say I didn’t get but that I did get.

Fine. Let them pay me for it. But why credit someone for something they didn’t get? Why not just not charge them in the first place?

The juvi has been amazingly quieter these last two days. She hums a few bars here and there but doesn’t carry on with the whining for hours.

Sadly enough, Teddy Bear’s off next Monday. Hopefully, she’ll come in some other day, although she usually does Mondays here. I hope she’s here at least once more before I leave. She said she should be. She’ll probably be in on my last Monday here.

Teddy Bear and I laughed together like never before. I’m totally crushed out on my big redheaded Teddy Bear! As I told Tom, if a friendship with her (preferably a little more) comes out of all this bullshit, then I could truly hug those freeloaders for it.

She was telling me she was from Georgia, and I asked her to guess where I was from. She was really close. She guessed New Jersey!

She was all excited about the new cockatiel she got and she stopped in several times to chat with me about that and other things.

She said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if your family was waiting for you with a cake and yellow ribbons tied around the trees?”

Not at 8:00 in the morning. And our trees – well – they’d be a little hard to tie ribbons around.

It was the confusion over something I wrote in a kite that was the funniest part of the evening. I wrote her the kite so she could read it at her leisure because it was a hectic night.

Before the kite, we were talking rodents like we usually do (I’m truly amazed at just how much we have in common), and when I was telling her I want to breed mice (if God will let me), she said maybe she could get some from me. It totally made my night to think of her visiting me someday!!! I mean, she’s just as beautiful as she is ugly and to know that someone this cool could like me, is a great feeling. I thought Tom was the only great person who could ever like me. It’s nice to have this really cool woman, for once, that I like, like me, too. How blessed I am to be liked by someone so special! And just when I was thinking how unfair it was that someone so wonderful would be in my life for such a brief time, even if these last 5½ months have been anything but brief.

She’s so smart, and she has a really good sense of humor. At the same time we have things in common, we’re different, too. I guess some people would find us a strange pair - a singer/dancer and a jail cop.

It’s also quite flattering to know that she obviously believes in my innocence. Stalking’s a serious thing, and I’d think that if you thought there was even a remote possibility that someone could be a stalker, you wouldn’t even think of associating with them for a second, no matter how much bigger and stronger you were.

Do I believe she’s for real? Yes, I do. She certainly seems sincere enough, anyway, but if she’s just playing with my head, it wouldn’t be the first time. I’ve been lied to, burned, and led on before. It’s nothing new. Still, I’d say that if she were all talk, then she’s a very good liar and a very good actress, too.

Please, Teddy Bear, don’t break the heart you stole!

I had asked her to keep the things I tell her between us (I’d do the same for her with anything she trusted me enough to tell me that may be personal), but once I’m out of here, I don’t care who she tells about us. I’m not the one who’s shy or has to work here.

I wonder – just what does she do with my kites? I wonder if she trashes them or saves them.

In the kite, I said that although I’d miss her for the year, good things were worth waiting for, and I hope to shock her with less of me (a lot more hair, though). I told her that in April of ‘02, maybe earlier, I’d start breeding, concentrating on the black and white ones. Those Oreo cookie kinds are her favorite. Then I’d contact her in May of ‘02 (I’ll put two males in with one female. That way if one shoots blanks I’ll have a backup).

I told her I had all kinds of pictures to show her, which she says she’d like to see.

Here’s where I really threw her and got us both laughing our asses off. I said she could meet my other friends too, only they weren’t alive. When she came into the cell after reading that, she was like, “Exactly what are these dead friends of yours?”

I burst out laughing and said that just because they weren’t alive didn’t mean they were dead. That’s when I showed her my doll pictures. She thought they were beautiful and could see why I’d call them my friends. She said she loves dolls, which surprised me. I wouldn’t think she was into dolls.

I feel bad for a lot of these inmates who’ll never have a Tom on the outs and a Teddy Bear on the ins, who’ll one day be on the outs, too.

Right now, the last thing I want to do is hug those freeloaders when it comes to what major bodily setbacks they’ve caused. I’ve got a mouthful of cavities, I’m all flab and no muscle, and I’m 120 pounds. That’s what I get for being forced to live on sugar in order to keep from starving. Thank God I won’t be here when crazy Joe cuts out yet another meal. Eventually, all inmates will have to live on commissary. Those who can’t afford to will be given something like 10 pieces of bread a day with 2 pieces of ham and a piece of fruit. He’s crazy enough to do this, too. Anyone who can make people live like animals by having them live outdoors in tents like dogs in doghouses, especially in this climate, is capable of just about anything.

Sometimes you don’t realize how in shape you were till you get out of shape. I don’t have the stamina I once had. Walking doesn’t seem to make a difference. As I said, I may not bother losing weight/inches just to lose all my hard work by ending up fat again. And besides, I can’t lose something I don’t have, so if I don’t get thin in the first place, I can’t lose it. I don’t know, it’s just so much work for so little at this age, but at least I’ll eat healthier.

Gibb was bitching about Nancy D to room 4. “I remember her,” I said as I was coming up the stairs from dumping my trash. Then I started to say, “She wanted me for a celly so she could…”

“She wanted to lick you,” Gibb filled in.

Yup, she did. I can’t believe how many of these inmates have hit on me and how many DOs have let me know in their own subtle little ways that they’d do me if they could. What do they see in me? Why a 35-year-old, middle-aged person who’s 20 pounds overweight? I can just imagine how it’d be if I were still “Mystery,” the 26-year-old topless dancer that was 5 feet of steel! I was literally skin, bone and muscle. At least I’ll have gained only 8 pounds during my time here and not the usual 30 or so pounds most people gain.

I’m just so happy about Teddy Bear! It’s like I want to shout out to everyone that she likes me, but although we aren’t doing anything wrong, and although she’s been very professional, it’s our secret. Kind of like a game we play, even though we’re not pretending. The only one who knows right now is Tom.

It’s kind of funny how I was bitching to Teddy Bear about being hit on so much only to end up flirting with her! The poor girl must’ve been pretty confused at first.

MONDAY, APRIL 9, 2001 Tom sent me a great letter. It always makes my day to hear from him. What makes me all the more grateful to get his letters is knowing how much he hates to write. Or type, in this case.

He told me about installing cameras at work, the steady rain they’ve had, and how he can’t wait to do a regular grocery run on the 27th.

I’m surprised he’d say that. I’d think shopping for one would be easier.

Fell asleep last night around 2 AM. I slept through underwear, gown and towel exchange, believe it or not (I’ll wash my underwear in the shower). The nurse woke me up, then brunch, then it was my hour out. I was second. I told Kitchen that all I was going to do was sweep, then I was going back to bed. So, I swept the cell, slipped my ham to Peaches, then exchanged books with Jamie. She gave me a book about a haunted mummy. It’s good so far. So I’ll have read 5 books the whole time I was here.

Just when I didn’t think I’d fall back asleep, I did. The juvi started singing at what I think was around 11:00, so I put the earplug I made out of a pad in my ear and fell back asleep right away (I also put a piece of cardboard in one of the vents). At first I thought – oh, no! You mean this thing is going to sing from 11 AM to 11 PM, rather than 2 PM to 11 PM? But I haven’t heard it since I’ve been up. Amazingly, I slept till 2:15! I haven’t slept that long since A Tower.

I could’ve strangled that juvi last night. She was banging on her desk (she’s alone over there now) to get her friend’s attention and that stupid idiot did it right as Jones walked by, too. Jones told her to shut up. Then for some strange reason, the juvi asked me if my lights were on. I gave her back her own shit too, and sang to the radio real loud. I just didn’t want to do it with Tiffany here and blow her eardrums out.

When Sarah was out sweeping, I asked her why she moved. She said she and Jamie were still friendly, but two bipolar people in the same cell couldn’t cut it. I think Jamie’s more like tripolar.

I told Johnson about Tiffany being here until she decided she wanted a bigger room. I also told her how we decided she’s one big old teddy bear once you get to know her. She said she’d rather be called Teddy Bear than some of the other names we’ve come up with for her.

Although Palma will always stand out in my mind when I remember these DOs, and although she is attractive, my fondness, as well as attraction, for Teddy Bear is growing by the minute. At least she’s got character along with her looks, but Palma’s all looks and not much personality. I appreciate some of the things she’s done to help me, but that’s about it. I’m really into Teddy Bear now, and much more so than I ever was with Palma.

You lose, Palma!

For the first time, Teddy Bear guessed how many days I had left and was right when she said 19.

SUNDAY, APRIL 8, 2001 Laticia next door just loves me now. This is because I spoke Spanish with her earlier.

I talked to Tom on my hour out. Tiffany didn’t get up for it even though it was at 11:00. I wish I could sleep from 3 AM – 3 PM myself! Her sleeping so much makes me feel like I’m alone a lot, but I have to hold off on talking to anyone at the door till she gets up.

A phone conversation got Hope all hysterical, then she apparently passed out. Brea called for help and a nurse and a sergeant came and escorted her out, along with Misery and Means. That Misery’s one ugly DO! And fatter each time I see her, too.

Hope got sent to A Tower after she returned from medical. Hann said it was because they changed her classification to max, and if you’re max you can’t live here.

I didn’t know that. Must be a fairly new thing because Kim was max. That would explain why Rosa and Tina never showed up here. They were max. I wonder why you can’t be here if you’re max. This place seems just as secure as A Tower, isn’t it? And why would they max her just because she cried hysterically and passed out? Talk about kicking someone who’s already down! I cried hysterically, kicked doors, threatened to kill myself and no one maxed me. Maybe there’s more going on with her than I know.

If Rule hadn’t told me about Ad-Seg, I’d have refused to work for Joe and the fucked up system for free, and I’d have done my time in B tower.

Oh, it feels so good to be alone, not that Tiffany and I parted as enemies or anything. She just wanted a bigger room with more people, so Hann let her move next door. I told Tiffany that if she didn’t like it over there for any reason, she could move back in with me. I’m hoping, though, that I can do the rest of my time alone! Tiffany and I may both be night people, but unlike me, she likes having more people around. Although she was a good celly, I still prefer to be alone. Now I can shit privately, talk to people through the door without having to worry about waking her up, and I can be on two mattresses again.

There have been a few changes around here. Sarah moved out from Jamie’s cell and up to Mattie’s. Tiffany said she heard Jamie ask to move earlier and say that she can’t move up with Jodi because Jodi doesn’t want her around.

Not with that non-stop mouth of hers, I don’t!

The black girl downstairs has actually turned out to be quiet and Peaches says she’s cool. If they tried putting her in with Tiffany, she’d freak. She’s very Aryan.

SATURDAY, APRIL 7, 2001 Today’s Chamber’s 19th birthday, wherever she is. Art finally cracked his 70s last Thursday.

Atkinson’s now 3rd shift. When she yelled at the fucking juvies for singing non-stop, they shut right up.

Chavez is on again. Now why can’t Palma work here once a week and sometimes twice in a row?

The fucking rude DO we got on today asked me to hand her the cleaning stuff that was 3 feet inside the door that she could’ve grabbed herself while I was on the phone. Lazy bitch! And this is Mejia, who used to do 3rd shift and who I had thought was cool. Tiffany was kind enough to take care of the shit for me.

I offended Tiffany earlier by asking if she’d brush her teeth when she got up. I already explained to her about my doggy nose, so I didn’t think she’d take it personally. She said she was taking offense to a lot of things I’ve been saying lately.

She has? Then why hasn’t she told me?

I’m going to have my radio on more and stay in my own little world. The fewer people say to each other, the less likely you are to piss each other off. And let me put it in writing right now that if I get threatened, although I highly doubt I will, I will attack this one without hesitation.

What she was saying last night is so true. The way you can tell we’re both night people is how we don’t talk to each other much during the day and we each do our own thing. Then around 8:00 we perk up and start chatting.

Tiffany hates blacks as much as I do, although she says she stands for white pride and not white power. Her ex is in for 12 years for dragging a black down the street by its neck for starting shit with him. She says it never would’ve happened if the guy hadn’t started shit. That’s how I feel, too. If the Phoenix freeloaders had just shut up and left us alone, none of this shit would’ve happened. They never would’ve known I existed if I didn’t have to know that they did.

Anyway, Tom said he’s been working a lot of overtime lately and the thing he likes about it is that it makes the days go by faster. He also said he had hoped I’d call this weekend and that he can’t wait till I come home. Me neither!

The two juvies next door are up laughing and talking. This is about the time they start their shit too, at about 2 PM. They’ll be running at the mouths on and off into 3rd shift.

Took a nap earlier. That’s two days in a row I napped, only this time I had an earbud in the good ear.

We were talking about how it’s hard to believe only one DO is in with 128 women in the dorms. I think there should be a DO in each pod where the dayroom is. At times it can take 15 minutes to get a DO’s attention when someone’s having a seizure. If there was a serious fight or medical emergency, the person could be dead even if the DO that’s in the tower knows about it from the start of it.

It shocked the shit out of me to receive my last inhaler today. Only two days after tanking for it.

We were also talking about which DOs we know are gay, which ones we think are gay, which ones are straight, etc. We both agree Espi’s strictly dickly and that Johnson’s gay, despite the wedding ring she wears. Tiffany says she’d bet she’s married to a woman.

She says Christoffers is gay, which I didn’t know. When Tiffany was in the dorms, a group of people was talking about tongue rings and sex when Christoffers, who has one herself, came out and said, “Ain’t no complaints from my girlfriend!”

Tiffany says a DO in the tents, whom she writes to as soon as she gets out (she’s been here a lot) offered to let her come and live with her if she needed a place.

She says she misses Felton, who gave her a hug goodbye before leaving for some other jail.

That’s a hell of a risk to be taking. They’re not allowed to do that. But once again, DOs can do as they please and get away with it.

We were talking about their personalities, too. Despite Johnson’s size, she really is like one big old warm, soft, cuddly teddy bear. It’s kind of what she reminds me of anyway. I like how she’s a softy at heart but knows when to put her foot down at the same time. So many people are either too flaky or too serious, but Johnson’s got a healthy balance going there.

When I mentioned how funny it is when she blushes, Tiffany agreed it was cute. She told me that some girl in the dorms was playfully asking Johnson, “Will you be my girlfriend?” and Johnson was blushing, saying, “Will you stop!”

Can I be your girlfriend, Johnson? My husband wouldn’t mind. I’ll be a really good one! I really will!

Yeah, I know I’m dreaming. Since when did I ever get what I dreamt of in that department, anyway? Maybe in the next life (little did I know at that point!). Boy, is her real-life other half one lucky lady! Yeah, Johnson, you can tell your girlfriend I envy her.

Tiffany and I have been getting along great, as always. Guess I got needlessly defensive there for a minute, as far as she’s concerned.

I gave her some paper earlier to use until she can give me some Monday, but I don’t think I’ll need it, after all.

There are other Ad-Segs in A Tower, Tiffany tells me. That ugly, dyky thing they call Zapata that got in a fight with someone in the big tank downstairs is still there. She’s been there since Ida and I were cellies.

Tate’s on now. On her walk I let her know I was down to 480 hours. Just 20 days to go! I just want to go home! NOW!!!

The juvies are quiet tonight. What a shock.

Tomorrow morning I want them to wake me up like they always do for the coffee cart so I can stock up on soda again.

FRIDAY, APRIL 6, 2001 Barajas is back! I asked if she requested to be here, and she said no, they just threw her here. She said she was shocked when 3rd shift told her I had a bunkie since most of my bunkies disappear so fast.

Just 22 more days, I told her!

Teasing me like she always does, she said, “Good, get you out of my hair!”

I also let her know I was impersonating how she says, “And you should know better!” Tiffany agreed I do it well, too.

Barajas response to that was, “Well, it’s better than me saying, hey you mother-fucker, you know the rules!”

3rd shift last night was Lumia. To me, Lumia was never special in any way, but Tiffany likes her a lot. She said Lumia’s even gone so far as to show her how to keep her door from locking with tissue over in A so she could see her girlfriend. That was before they had the light board. When a cell door is open, a red light appears in the tower.

Temple was on a couple of nights ago saying, “You watch. You’ll have a problem with her (Tiffany), you’ll bully your bunkie and she’ll be gone next time I work.”

Well, if she is, it’ll be because she wants out of Ad-Seg. Jackson told her she wouldn’t make any promises but would try to help her out of here, but we all know what a liar Jackson is. At least I do, anyway.

Anyway, I told Temple that Tiffany wants to be in A200, and she said, “Why? Does she have a lover there?”

I said, “No, but I have a crush on Officer Palma.”

She laughed, shaking her head, then walked off.

Earlier I walked up to the door and started reciting some of Tara’s lines about the stolen ovaries and all that. At first Temple looked confused, then I said, “Don’t you remember Agent Tara?”

Then she remembered and said, “Oh, yeah. At first I thought you were serious.”

Tiffany and I were laughing all night long over this! Poor Temple was like – you mean this girl’s been crazy all along and I didn’t know it?! before she realized who I was mimicking.

I tested Temple to see if she remembered my release date, and sure enough, she remembered.

I didn’t yet mention the sad news in Tom’s letter. Freddie died. That’s 4 mice that have died since I’ve been gone. Tom said he thought about getting the one that’s left a roommate, but decided to wait for me so we could gather mice from a few different stores and build our mouse community back up. Well, this will be our third attempt at breeding, but it’ll be fun buying new mice from various stores.

The wrong asshole was rolled out of here last Tuesday. Yeah, the asshole next door’s screaming back and forth with the juvi bitch. Tiffany agrees it’s rude and obnoxious. I went to bitch to Chavez about it, but I know they’ll pull this shit every day anyway. I’ll wait a day or two, then tell next door to tell this Maria chick that her pal was rolled out again. Maybe I can fool her again for a while.

I wonder if Barajas will work here again before I leave.

Last night we were teasing Jamie while she was on the phone. I was doing most of it. It was so funny because I’d get down and laugh like a hyena out under the door and blame it on the juvies.

The fucking juvi next door really irks me at times. It whines to the radio and never leaves its cell. Most people in an open pod don’t like to be cooped up in their cells, but this one’s always in its cell. And its friends always have to stop by and visit, too. This isn’t like Valleyhead where you weren’t allowed in each other’s rooms.

I was telling Tiffany about my prank phone call days and she got a kick out of it, saying she’d love to hear the tapes. If she doesn’t mind driving all the way out to our house, then sure. She’ll be here a week after I leave and I said I’d write her and give her whatever email address I’m going to have.

Tiffany told me Bryant spited her for calling her a racial slur by deleting her lower bunk slip from the computer, but of course, she couldn’t swipe it from Medical’s records.

The other day, LaBorde walked by just as I was wondering what time it was. “LaVoice? Hey, LaVoice?”

“LaBorde,” Tiffany whispered.

“LaVoice, what time is it?”

“LaBorde!” Tiffany whispered louder and seemed as horrified as she was amused.

LaVoice just gave us this shame-on-you kind of look. Hey, at least I didn’t call her LaBitch.

Haven’t seen Sharon around lately. I caught Jerry earlier and asked him to look out for my inhaler. I put in my final refill request yesterday. I’m sure it’ll take a week of getting on their asses to get it.

Mary said I look healthy.

Wrong. I look fat.

Tiffany said I have a nice, full face.

Wrong again. I have a nice, fat face.

Loud, obnoxious Chavez woke me up from a nap as she was blabbing away really loud with someone in one of the lower cells.

“What’s this with all the mail?” Chavez asked really loud as she yanked my mail out of the trap as she walked by.

What, are 3 envelopes too much for her to handle (I wrote Ida, Paula, and Helen)?

Tiffany told me she once had a bogus job for her PO taking photographs. She made her check stubs on her computer, and she had caller ID, so whenever she’d answer her other line when she’d see it was the PO, she’d answer saying the business name.

THURSDAY, APRIL 5, 2001 Tiffany’s kind of bummed she didn’t get out of Ad-Seg today but says she’s glad that if she has to be stuck here, it’s with me. We get along really well. She doesn’t beg, doesn’t smother me, she’s sane and we have a lot of talks and laughs with each other. I also like how she sleeps from 3 AM - 3 PM! Her plans were to go to the dorms, then get in a fight with someone so she could end up back in A Tower. Who knows if that’ll happen, though? For my sake, I hope she stays with me till I leave. She even has a bottom bunk slip, so we swapped beds to keep us safe. They can’t pull her for her bottom bunk, so hopefully we’ll stay together.

I told her of my PO worries, and she says what Tom says which is not to worry. She says in Phoenix you have to adapt to them, but where I am, they have to adapt to me. They’re going to have to if they want me reporting and all that. They simply have no choice.

Got a wonderful letter from Tom today. It’s so nice of him to write more to make up for our lost Thursday visit. He mentioned installing cameras at work and training people. He said he doesn’t think the tomatoes are going to make it. He’s still looking for jokes too, but says all the sites he’s checked so far have stupid jokes.

To my utter amazement, it looks like Rosa got out of here (Tom checked)! I’d say the case was dropped because I doubt that she could come up with the million-dollar bond. See? In Arizona they’ll drop cases like hers, but not mine! I’m so happy for her, though, but sad too, because I know I’ll never find her or see her again. I’m not surprised, though. I kind of sensed it was our final goodbye when I left her crying in A on New Year’s Day. I guess I served my purpose in God’s eyes – to be her interpreter.

I’m reading a small book Tiffany gave me about a haunted car.

Still haven’t been sleeping well. Guess I got a lot on my mind, combined with the excitement of leaving soon. Tiffany never woke me up once this morning, but half a dozen other things did – medical tank call, our hour out at 8:00 that we refused, the loud bitch next door, chow, and I don’t know if that coffee cart’s such a good idea anymore. It’s been coming too early and I’m sick of being woken up for it. I never could nap today. The juvi got a little too loud for that. I was talking to her earlier. She claims to be a 12-year-old who stabbed her dad and is going to do 10 years in prison, but Tiffany and I don’t believe it.

Tiffany and I made up our own names for the towers, tents and dorms:

A - asshole B – bitch C – cunt D – dork E – evil F – fuckers G – gay H – hoe I – idiot J – jackass K – killer L – loony M – murderer N – (better not say what this one is) O – opium

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 4, 2001 Boy, have I got a lot to update on! It’s all good too, for a change.

Finishing up with when Johnson was on – I asked if she could be here Saturday night, my last night here. She said she’d see what she could do but would at least try to let me know where she’d be, be it J, K, etc., so I could wave to her on my way out.

Not at 4:00 in the morning, I can’t. Doesn’t she know they kick us out in the middle of the night? Anyway, I’m sure she’ll work the last week, one of those days.

She asked me to wait a year before I write to her and I said that’d be fine and that if she wanted me never to write, that’s fine, too. She said, “No, you can write in a year and I’ll probably write or talk to you then.”

She has a computer so I’ll mail her my email address when I write.

She said she didn’t want me to feel slighted or that I wasn’t a good person, but their policy is to wait a year.

No problem, I told her. I wasn’t about to tell her that no such policy exists. That’s only for inmates visiting other inmates, but I understood why she was telling me to wait a year. Then again, maybe there is such a policy. She should know her job and its policies better than I do.

I wonder – if the policy was to never see an inmate on the outs, would she never see me again? I also wonder how it could jeopardize her job. If an inmate writes a DO sooner than they’re supposed to, it’s not the DO’s fault.

My new celly said she wrote a tent DO as soon as she left the last time she was in here, and it was OK. She said they don’t usually run and check to see if the writer was an inmate. Well, I think I’ll send Rule’s letter off right away because she’s tents, and put a hold on the others till it’s been a year. That’ll also give me time to get back in shape and slim down so I can enclose a decent enough picture with a rat (till circumstances make me fat again).

My new celly is 28-year-old Tiffany M, booked under the alias of Julie H, and she’s way cool. That’s why she’ll be leaving soon. She’s leaving the jail on May 5th but wants out of Ad-Seg in the meantime. She has friends in the dorms and her best friend is in A Tower.

Tiffany’s somewhat scrawny with brown hair and eyes.

It was 8 AM when Armstrong rolled Tiffany and two others out of A to come to M where Vasquez was waiting for them. At first I was pissed Vasquez put someone in here, and was like – why’s it always me?! Then Tiffany told me the others got cellies, too. A crazy black chick (according to Tiffany, who hates blacks, too) was put in with Mary, Myra and Peaches and an OK Mexican was put in with Mattie.

For no apparent reason, they rolled Teresa out to A. Vasquez said she didn’t know why (I wish they’d pulled loud-mouth Laticia instead). Teresa’s going to be miserable over there since she hates small cells, and those cells appear even smaller because of the extra bunks. It’s 10 times louder and filthier over there, too.

Tiffany was just as tired as I was yesterday, because she too, usually crashes around 2 AM. We both tried to sleep but were too wound up, though we rested and chatted a little. Tiffany’s a damn good listener and she doesn’t talk non-stop, either. She has a very pleasant, cheerful smile, two kids, a boyfriend in prison, and a girlfriend of 3-4 years on the outs. Like my main preference is Spanish, Tiffany’s is white.

I later apologized for not exactly giving her a warm reception after being alone for 3 weeks and being woken up out of a dead sleep so early. I pretty much snapped at her saying, “Just be quiet and don’t beg!”

The poor girl thought she was in for a nightmare. She said she understood how I felt, though. Her only negative is her bad breath.

Tiffany’s in for a variety of reasons and has been here for 8 months. She’s in for fraud, drugs, and is considered to be gang-affiliated because she’s an Aryan Featherwood and a member of Hell’s Angels.

When Tiffany asked me if I hated blacks, I told her that I think 80% of whites are bad, 85% Hispanics are bad, and 90% of blacks are bad. I don’t know enough Asians or Indians to judge them percentage-wise. It doesn’t matter, though. I hate everyone.

She also asked me if I cared about other people’s opinions/beliefs.

No, I don’t. I don’t care if others hate or love gays, blacks, whites, etc. Everyone has a right to feel as they do. You know what they say – opinions are like ass holes. Everybody’s got one.

I was telling her that the reason why so many people have a problem with me is that most people live in a black-and-white world, but I tend to stick more to the gray areas.

“What do you mean?” she asked me.

“I mean, most people are either against or for abortion. Me? I say that since birth control is pretty much 100% foolproof, people who don’t want kids oughta just use the stuff for a change. Then the only ones getting abortions would be rape or incest victims.”

She says she feels bad because she got her mom, who’s always been a druggie, into her fraudulent schemes, and her mom ended up here, too. They were in the dorms together.

Tiffany says this cool tent DO told her mom one day when she was visiting that she better get her shit together or else she’d be the one picking up Tiffany on her release date.

Except for the fact that I was dead tired and had 4 bouts of the runs, yesterday was a great day.

The Shadow Men, returned yesterday. Only I was ready for them this time because I was already awake. It was exactly one month since their last appearance, too. Oddly enough, though, they only searched 4. The cell Teresa was rolled out of.

Tiffany said she knew Becky, who’s as bi as most inmates are, from J dorm, but not what she was in for or when she’ll leave.

Tiffany also confirmed that Pérez and Arajo are gay. I knew it. I knew they were as straight as my hair, and that ain’t straight! She says she’s seen Pérez at gay bars with her girlfriend, and Arajo’s shown pictures of her girlfriend to people in the dorms.

I got a kick out of Tiffany reading my ceiling notes from when I was in here with the madwoman. She was like – what is this? Then after a while of listening to her reading the notes, I told her they were notes I wrote in February.

Tiffany has an 8’ Burmese Python that she’s had for two years. She paid $200 for it and it was only a foot long when she got it.

We were talking about how she’s so emotional for two weeks after getting out of jail. I can just imagine how I’ll be! I even miss TV, and TV’s not my favorite thing.

Futch cracks me up. I asked her for toilet paper and pads on her last walk which she forgot, so on this walk, she actually wrote a note on her hand!

I’ll probably still sleep with the fan on when I get home because if a non-consistent sound like music or engines were to start up, it’d still probably wake me up. As for sleeping with Tom – I still don’t know what to do about that one. Decision-making’s never been harder for me, so I guess I’ll let Tom make the call on that one.

I forgot to mention that when Tiffany was in the dorms, this girl who had a crush on Pérez wrote her a note telling her about it, and Pérez rolled her out to another dorm.

I’m surprised Pérez would do that.

She was laughing when I told her people either hate or love me, and rarely just like me, but it’s true. She also got a kick out of how I was saying I was as controversial as Madonna, but that’s true, too. For example, a lot of people disagree with me, but as far as I’m concerned, executing Ted Bundy wasn’t murder. It was simply killing a deadly animal. Abortion isn’t murder either. It’s simply killing something no different than a cluster of cells or a plant.

We finally had chicken last night, and beef patties with stuffing tonight. We haven’t had stuffing since Thanksgiving. We also never had peach slices in syrup before, either.

OK, now I’m going to get the best part of yesterday over with once and for all.

Palma worked here! I couldn’t believe it when I saw Palma right after I informed Tiffany of my crush on her. She had her hair in a French braid this time. I’ve never seen it that way before. This is when Tiffany told me Palma does her hair according to her moods. She said she’s in an OK mood when she has her hair braided or in a ponytail, but when it’s pulled back in a bun – watch out! Funny thing too, because that’s exactly how she had her hair when she gave me her evil glare.

Tiffany also said that Palma’s a tweaker. That’s what others have said, too. Tiffany says it takes a meth user to know another one and said this was why Palma was most energetic during the beginning of her shift and then would suddenly appear tired when she was coming down. Believe it or not, they don’t do drug testing on these DOs.

So my girlfriend, who’s kind of my ex-girlfriend, is a druggie, huh?

Anyway, on her first walk, she shocked the shit out of both of us by not making me take the rats out of the window (Wilder, Futch and Tate have made disgusting faces at them). She even said, “Are those yours? They’re so cute.”

I asked her why she gave me the evil glare. She said she didn’t give me an evil glare, that’s just how she is, get used to it. Then she said she was probably in a bad mood.

Oh, yes she was, I told her. I was like – who the hell pissed in your coffee this morning!

On her second walk, I told her a joke.

On her third walk, she looked straight down at me and not up at Tiffany when we were on our bunks.

On her fourth walk, I asked if I could talk to her when she got a chance. I thought she’d tell me she’d catch me later, then talk to me real quick through the door, but nope! She unlocked the door right then and there and had me go sit down in the dayroom when she could’ve just talked to me right there. And she called me sweetheart, too!! When I’m not S, I’m babe, honey, girl or sweetheart.

So I sat at a table with her and told her more of my case and why I was apprehensive about leaving, as much as I was excited, and she was so empathetic, encouraging and supportive. She really listened to me and said, “I’d relax, sweetheart, and not worry about these people. Maybe stay out of the city as much as possible.”

She also told me to pray because the lord doesn’t give us more than we can handle. When I told her I felt I was being punished, and she said that maybe there’s a lesson to be learned in all this, I said, “Yeah, lots of lessons! I learned how to peel kiwis with spoons, trim my bangs with nail clippers, but most importantly - never complain to the city when your neighbors get noisy!”

We talked for about 10 minutes, then she walked me back to my room. She stopped on her way by 5 where the Mexican girl was who went home last night. The girl said hi to Palma and Palma asked why she was in Ad-Seg.

“Some girl in the tents,” said the girl with a shrug.

“You got sick of her shit?” asked Palma. The girl nodded, then Palma locked me down after I thanked her for listening.

I noticed she was also nicer to others. She didn’t treat them like she treated me, but she wasn’t being a bitch, either. She was no cell-bouncing, room-tossing maniac! I thought to myself – I’m either falsely crediting myself, or I tamed this woman!

While Palma was still at 5’s door, Nancy, who was smiling happily at me, got a big, happy grin from me as I walked by. She knew why, too! I remember thinking to myself – Mary, Myra, and Peaches are really going to tease me (good-heartedly, of course) about my private little meeting with Palma that wasn’t so private after all.

This time around, though, I never had any explicit dreams involving Palma.

Not long after my chat with Palma, it was visit time! Tom and I had 1½ hours together, but oddly enough, he was told I only had an hour. I rambled on and on about Palma, my excitement about going home and all kinds of things. He told me a little about work but said he didn’t have much else to tell me.

After Tom left, some chick next to me was banging to be let out. About 10 minutes later, O’Farrell came and got us. After dropping the chick off at B’s slider, he began to escort me down to M. He said, “I’m sorry about the wait. It’s just that she makes me mad, acting like my daughter, and my daughter’s 10.”

“No prob,” I said.

Palma walked up to greet us at M’s door right as we arrived at it.

“Palma, couldn’t you have waited another minute before coming to the door so I could have had enough time to steal a donut!” (a bin of donuts was sitting by the door).

She looked at me like I was crazy. Then the control station popped the door and she asked O’Farrell to hang on while she used the staff’s bathroom, and he did. Once Palma was locked in the bathroom, he lifted the bin’s lid with his foot and told me to take one. I did and stuffed it down the front of my shirt. He was like – shit! when he realized I was going to Ad-Seg and not Alpha because he didn’t have a key for that pod. He told me to drop the donut lower to my waist and fold my shirt over it so I wouldn’t have to walk with my arms across my stomach, and I did.

Palma never noticed.

As she was bringing me up to my cell, she asked who visited and I said, “That was Tom.”

“Your old man?” she asked.

I nodded.

She didn’t seem the least bit interested.

I told her I told him that one of my favorite DOs was finally back in M Dorm, then told her another joke.

When chow time came around, I watched her watch me all the way. Her eyes followed me all the way down the stairs. I hit her with another joke as I took my tray and she laughed pretty loud.

Tiffany and I agreed that she’d be the one to take the trays down (slowly) so I could be alone with Palma while she waited for Tiffany.

I was brushing my hair and I bitched about how my split ends were returning.

“I have a ton of them,” she said.

“My hair’s grown a lot since I’ve been here.”

“How long was it when you first came in?”

I showed her.

“It takes my hair forever to grow.”

“I have curly hair, but I straighten it,” I said.

“Why you straighten it, girl?”

“I just like it better that way. It’s more manageable, too.”

���How?”

“In here I’ve just been brushing it a lot as it dries, but on the outs, I have a straightening iron that does it, but it really fries my hair.”

I told her another joke as Tiffany returned, then a couple of walks later was her second to the last walk. She didn’t give me much of a farewell. She just said, without looking at me as she was unlocking the pod door, “You do good out there.”

On her last walk, I hid in the corner as a joke, but she never even looked in. I ran to the door and yelled out goodbye and she called back goodbye to me, I told her she was the best (almost), then threw myself on my bed and cried. I knew it was the last time she’d ever work here before I left.

Tiffany says she thinks she likes me, and that if she didn’t like me, she could learn to because she doesn’t treat anyone the way she treats me. She was as shocked as I am.

She took me downstairs to chat!

She called me sweetheart!

Tiffany said she heard Palma punched someone in K that got up in her face.

That’s something Palma would do. Slug ‘em good, Palma, slug ‘em real good!

Tate was on that night. 576 hours, I told her.

As soon as I went downstairs the next day, as expected, Mary and Peaches were commenting on how Palma really put the digs on me, and how much she seems to like me. I guess I wasn’t falsely crediting myself after all because Peaches herself was pointing out how much nicer she was to everyone else because of me, and how she didn’t toss anyone.

MONDAY, APRIL 2, 2001 Slept better than I have in days with only two interruptions. One was the nurse and the other was Mattie’s voice. Underwear exchange didn’t happen till nearly 11:00, and the coffee cart was a no-show.

When Vasquez got me up to hand me my chow, she asked how many days left I had before I could even tell her.

She gave me two lunches, too.

On my hour out I was chatting with Mary, Myra and Peaches. Myra had an Appaloosa, a gelding and a thoroughbred when she lived in Montana, and recommends a 12-14 hand horse to start with like a Tennessee fox trotter.

Yes! Johnson’s on now!

Before I could ask Johnson, she asked me how many days I had left as soon as she came to the door. I told her to guess, and she guessed 23. I knew she’d be wrong, but like she said, she was close.

Then it was time to play my joke on her. I told her that I had a dream they took away my stripes and made me wear a g-string bikini while she was on. She said, “Oh, no.” Then as expected, she blushed.

On her next walk, I told her I was only kidding about the dream because I just wanted to see her blush. For a minute, as she was checking the water well right before I told her this, I could’ve sworn she looked at me with a fury in her eyes that said she wanted to kill me. It really shocked me and was so weird.

However, as I told her, I did have a nightmare that both she and the evil-looking one were in (she knew I meant Palma). She said, “Oh, no. Though I’d rather be in a weird dream than a nightmare.”

In the dream, Johnson and I were down in the dayroom talking when Palma came in and asked if I liked Johnson. I said yes and that she was my favorite DO. (she just about is now, too) Then Palma said she was going to kick my ass! So I ran behind Johnson screaming, “Don’t let her get me!” Then I woke up.

“That’s good,” Johnson said. “Before I had to use my karate.”

I wonder if they teach them karate at the training academy? I bet they never prepared her for someone like me at that academy!

After a couple of walks, I stopped her because I remembered another joke to tell her, but as soon as she opened the door, she started telling me about the mice she used to have. So after we swapped rodent stories for a few minutes, including the one where Houdini jumped into bed with Tom, I told her the joke. This one had her laughing the hardest. I asked if she knew any and she said she hears so many that she forgets them, but will try to remember some for the next time she’s on.

Speaking of animals, I was thinking about Shadow earlier, sorry that I was so mean to him at times. I’ll always wonder whatever became of him. He’d be about 11 years old now if he were still alive.

There were a few animal pictures I know Johnson’s seen, and a few she hasn’t, so I showed her those. I also let her know I played dumb when Chavez asked why I moved, saying I didn’t know why and that I was simply told to move, so I did. I told her I wasn’t about to tell her all she did to see to it that I remained alone. Johnson’s response to that was, “Yeah, it makes no sense to put you somewhere only to have to move you back out.”

I’ve been alone for 3 weeks now! Wish I could stay alone till I leave, but I’m sure this dorm will fill up by then. Meanwhile, I just hope the wrong DO isn’t on the next time someone comes in.

Peaches says Johnson’s her favorite DO. She’s my favorite now, too. I told her it used to be Palma and she said Palma’s really strict.

“True,” I said, “but that wasn’t why I liked her.”

“I know,” she said with a grin.

Anyway, the rats are in the door now, till someone tells me to take them down. I taped a picture of Houdini and Ratsy in one pane. It’ll be interesting to see how long they last and who tells me to take them down. My guess is that it’ll be either Misery or Kahn, although fortunately, Misery hasn’t worked here for a while.

Oh, did I mention that Laticia actually smiled at me today? She sure did, to my surprise.

Fuck you, freeloaders, for doing this to me! Yeah, we had to have hot dogs yet again. That’s 3 times in 4 days. I bit into the thing because I noticed it didn’t smell as spicy, and sure enough, there were little chunks of cheese in it, so I ate half of the fucking thing.

I told Johnson about my letters from Ida and was telling her how we tried to guess DO’s names by their initials. She got a kick out of that, and when I told her our guesses were Rebecca, Ronda, Renee or Rachel for her, she looked impressed, suggesting we might’ve hit it right on with one of those names. She had me cracking up at one point. I was telling her Ida suggested she might be a Rhoda and I disagreed, saying Rhoda’s are super ugly, so Ida suggested Ronda. This is when she laughed and said, “There you go. She’s only a little ugly. Call her Ronda.”

I told her I think she’s Rebecca, Rachel or Renee.

She asked me what names I came up with for other DOs, and I told her Nottelmann’s a Sarah or a Sandy, Kahn’s a Janet, black Johnson’s either a Glenda or a Gloria, and Palma’s a Juanita or a Janita. I also told her Pancake Face Smith was an Amanda, and she said in a low, sarcastic voice I’d never heard from her before that was actually a bit sexy, “Some people say she’s Barbie.”

I said, “I like Pancake Face Smith better, but that’s our secret.”

“OK,” she said playfully, “just between you and me.”

SUNDAY, APRIL 1, 2001 It’s April at last!

Again I’m tired as hell. I’ve been having trouble sleeping due to the combination of the excitement of going home at the end of the month, and fear of what awaits me when I get out there.

Chambers woke me up to ask if I wanted anything from the coffee cart, then before I could fall back asleep, the immature bitch next door yelled just outside the door. People just can’t drop shit and move on! This thing’s lucky there are doors and walls between us.

I ended up having a pleasant chat with Hope. Hope and Nancy are the only two I have any respect for in that room. She said her only problem had been that I seemed like I was apologizing, but I wasn’t, by mentioning the bruised-looking face, but she’s cool with me.

Of course, I didn’t tell Hope the real reason I apologized. I apologized not because I give a fuck about the bitch’s poor feelings, but because it’s too soon to be having problems in a pod no bigger than our old house. If it were my last night, I’d be banging up a storm in here, and I hope to hell I’m next to these two Mexicans when it is the final night because they’re going to be up right along with me.

Meanwhile, Hope doesn’t want any problems either and says we don’t have to go to extremes and ignore each other, although I wouldn’t consider that to be extreme. She likes saying hi, she said, and said she’d talk to Teresa. I informed her that if it ever got to the point where they were waking me up (the bitch would’ve if Chambers hadn’t beaten her to it), I will wake them up late at night.

Not surprisingly, I took a nap for about an hour and probably will later on, too.

I was the last one out and I called Tom in tears of depression and frustration. Hope motioned sympathetically to me not to cry.

As always, I felt a whole lot better after talking to Tom. Then Chambers came in and Tom said he had a stupid joke for us: If you don’t succeed, don’t try skydiving.

Then Chambers gave Peaches my ham and the drinks she asked for, and Jamie the fruit she asked for. After that, Chambers tells me to lock down, and I started to tell Tom I’ll call him back, then she announced that it was an April Fool’s joke! Tom and I were cracking up. Leave it to Chambers to pull an April fool’s joke on me! I got her back later by telling her she had a spider crawling on her shoulder, but I think she expected something like that from me.

Mary came back from a visit while I was out walking, whispering alongside me that she was going to April Fool’s this place so bad.

I wonder what she meant by that.

I was so glad to hear Chambers tell Jamie she was off restriction today. Good. Now I don’t have to move. Not yet, anyway.

I hope Johnson’s on tonight. It’s been two weeks.

It’s only been two days since we had hot dogs, so we just had to have them tonight. At least the rice and donut were enough to fill me. I knew we wouldn’t have asparagus again. I’m sure that was a one-time thing.

Out of the 5 months I’ve been here, March was the best month because I spent less than a week of it with cellies.

It seems the juvi next door and I have struck up a little friendship. We say goodnight to each other at night, and she wished me a happy April Fools.

I think Johnson will be on tomorrow night. I hope so!

I finished that book, so tomorrow I’ll be playing solitaire with the deck of cards I ordered.

My current plan is to only write Rule, Johnson, Espi, and Chambers. Fuck Palma.

[curs3dn0va]

Trigger warning: medical issues, sappy relationship stuff.

Dear reader, I am so sorry for abandoning you for such a long time, but I'm also ADHD (I know, I got stuck with the unholy trinity Autism, ADHD, and BPD) so I kinda forgot and, even tho I do have more harrowing lore to drop, I kinda decided to save the worst for the vent notebook.

So the updates are: My mom was able to get me a ring that I gave Bitch back when we talked, and she gave it up and told my mom that I could pick up my stuff whenever.

The second update is that it turns out my boyfriend's friends knew about me from high school, from my ex and his gf C too. It's surprising to me that they didn't heed my bad name and forbade my bf from coming near me, but I'm glad they gave me a chance, those two are my favorite of my bf's friends (don't tell them, it'll go straight to their heads).

The third update is that I might have cancer. It's either that or a very rare thyroid descease, anyways something's eating my spine so I'm in pain daily and I am tired all the time, I'm writing this from my hospital room, I had a biopsy done so I'll update with a diagnoses, althought I am sure no one reads this but me lol.

Don't get me wrong: I am terrified about this diagnosis, I really don't want cancer. My lore is pretty extensive already, that's why I started this blog. It's kinda like an autobiographic project to test my storytelling. I had a professor (I dropped out of university for good lol, I guess that's update #4) who complimented what he called my "voice" and as you can read, I am carrying that chip on my shoulder for the rest of my life, even if I end up not writing a book ever. And believe me do I have enough tragedies it's comedic. Tragicomedia diría mi profesor. That's just my life.

In the only good news I bring: my boyfriend and I just celebrated our 2nd anniversary! ... well, money's tight and it was in November, so I proposed to celebrate both our anniversary and my birthday together in February (I'm an Aquarius, and I dare you, dear reader, to tell me something about Aquarians that isn't related to "living in a different world/reality"), that way we both would be able to get through Christmas this year. And I'm so glad I did. It did bummed me not to do anything the day of our anniversary, but -I guess in my 5th update now- I am more secure in my relationship with my boyfriend, I have accepted the fact that he loves me, and our communication has improved immensly because of this.

My man has always been receptive to my wants and needs, I never have to bring up things twice, he gets it and fixes it the first time around. With one exception: he's not very PDA, and after being the chill, non-chalant girlfriend before all my trauma, it was also a surprise to me that I am now VERY PDA. It also helps that this is the man that brought back that feeling of first love butterflies... okay, so he swept me off my feet by being a confident nerd that is constatly improving himself and learning new things (he's a Cancer if you're interested, and no idc that out signs are "compatible").

Or did I sweep him off his feet by being assertive, resilient, and very comfortable with taking the lead? I'll tell you a secret: my bf is actually really shy when it comes to romance, we took our time getting to know each other, so when we were watching a "scary" movie (it was really bad), I was giving him all the signs that I wanted him to hold my hand, the backs our hands were already touching, shoulders too, (I know, scandalous) so I was just waiting for him to do it, but when he said "wow, that was scary" sarcastically I just responded "I'll protect you" and just took his hand into mine, intertwined our fingers, and I liked it. But what happened next did it for me: he very softly said "okay". It was almost a whisper. I looked at him, and he was blushing, keeping his eyes on the TV. I swear I have no clue how I gathered the self-control not to jump his bones in that moment, but I let it linger. I ran my thumb softly on the back of his hand, and we finished the movie, and then he drove me home.

I was hooked. All I could think about his pretty face, I still remember and get that warm fuzzy feeling all over again. Our first kiss was a little different, I surprised him, so he was, well surprised. We were cuddling, and I sat up and kissed him. When his surprise wore off, he kissed me back. He was good. He's gotten even better. Sex was less surprising, I did let him know that I wanted to do it, so he was not surprised, but he was nervous, I could tell. He later told me that he never enjoyed sex much, he felt pressured to do everything and his stomach got upset because of it. Me initiating, and us taking turns and all that (this isn't smut, I'm telling you my love story rn) really helped him come out of his shell, and I loved to see it.

When we got in the car afterward (I had work the next day, so I couldn't stay over), he looked a bit sad. We were not formally together yet, and thinking back, he was probably not sad at all, and I was just overthinking his expression, anyways I surprised him again by asking him to be my boyfriend then and there, and he said yes. It did make him smile all the way back to my house, I was smiling too.

Two years later, we have been through a lot together. Talking to each other has been our safe space, and he has been with me throughout two hospitalizations now, so the "in sickness and in health" part of our relationship is good.

I'm gonna tell you the truth, dear reader: I started and deleted 3 different anecdotes about my boyfriend, our dynamic, etc. They are too long, so sometimes I'll post palette cleansers about him in my future posts. I want to clarify that even though I do depend on him a lot, I have not let it become codependence, I pay for therapy for a reason, dammnit. If he falls asleep before saying goodnight, it doesn't ruin my night because I don't perceive it as rejection, and it doesn't happen often (I could count the times in one hand over the past two years). I can also safely say that if my life took me somewhere else in the world and he doesn't want to uproot his life to go with me: that would be it. I need the validation of physical affection, I could never do long distance (although this scenario has come up in conversation, and he said he'd go with me, so there's that).

Anyway it's 3am at the hospital so I'm going to bed... or to my gurney? Whatever, I'm going to sleep now. Bye.