#their last interaction was mostly good but Cole is an idiot who thinks everyone hates him

[rainbow-flavoured-skittles]

You know I love you boy, in every single way

I finally got around to editing this after a month of letting it rot in my drafts. this was actually going to be a scene in Hey Mom, Dead Mom, but got cut out, so keep in mind that this takes place during the second chapter. the title is from the song 'I don't need your love' because for some reason my brain will only let me name things after songs in this series. bonus points if you know why this ends the way it does. cross posted to ao3

~

To: Jay

From: Cole

Hi, Jay. I know that you’re supposed to start a letter with ‘dear,’ but I think that you already know how much you matter to me. At least, I hope you do. I’m sorry if I didn’t show it enough. I’m writing this letter to tell you that I’m running away going away for a while. I know that I was a terrible friend to you, and my grief was no excuse for ignoring you, so I understand if you don’t want to read this. I also understand if you don’t ever want to think of me again and want to shred this paper into tiny pieces. That’s what I would do in your position.

Our last meeting was awkward, I think. I left without saying goodbye and I’m sorry for that. I don’t even know why I did that. I don’t know why I do a lot of things. It was nice, being able to hang out with you again. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. It was the happiest I’d felt in a while when we were together.

I don’t know exactly why I kept ignoring you for so long. You were my best friend and one of the only people who cared about me. You were also one of the only good things in my life. I think I kind of shut down after my mom’s death. Nothing seemed worth doing anymore, not when she was gone. She still is gone, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever be functional again. Does that make sense?

I’m rambling now. You were always the chatty one out of the two of us, and I liked it that way. You helped comfort me with a lot of things when my dad was being harsh or when the kids at my school were being jerks. I’m not sure if I was good at comforting you, though. I’m not good with emotions. Or being a good friend. You were my first friend, really. I should have done more to show how much I care.

I can’t fit all that I want to say in this letter. There’s just too much, but I think it boils down to a few things: one, I’m sorry for how I was after my mom died. You didn’t deserve that. Two, you were the best friend I ever had and I’m so incredibly grateful for you. I hope that you can find someone as amazing as you to be your friend. I never deserved you in the first place. Three, you are an incredible person and I love you so much, as sappy as it is.

I can’t tell you where I’m going away to, because even I don’t know. And even if I did, I wouldn’t tell you. It’s nothing personal, just plausible deniability and all that if I end up a missing persons case. Though I doubt I will. I’m not putting a date on this for the same reasons.

My letter writing skills are a bit lacking, so I’m not sure how to end this. Just know that you’re an amazing person, I care about you so so much, and I’m sorry for everything.

So this is goodbye. 

All my love,

Cole