#their dumb emotionally repressed friendship is so very important to me

[reiverreturns]

[fic] Rules of Engagement

Fandom: Top Gun Maverick

Pairings: Natasha ‘Phoenix’ Trace & Bradley ‘Rooster’ Bradshaw 

Characters: Natasha ‘Phoenix’ Trace, Bradley ‘Rooster’ Bradshaw, Jake ‘Hangman’ Seresin, Robert ‘Bob’ Floyd, Javy ‘Coyote’ Machado 

Rating: Teen

.

“It’s you and me, Bradshaw, remember?” The words come without thinking, before Phoenix can mask the undertone. A sharp edge, a worry that one day he’ll forget.

“You and me, till the end of the goddamn line.”

[intergalactic-chameleon]

gender thoughts: friendships with straight boys + girls

i've sort of talked about this before but god being able to make friends or just silly conversation with boys, especially straight boys, really is something that is fun for me. in general, i dont really care about straight men -- i far prefer queer men, and i look up to them way more that i would a straight man (excluding celebrity actor men that i like lol). but regardless, sometimes, having some silly goose banter with another straight guy that i deem Okay enough to enable myself to talk to can be such a special little treat for me. i grew up loving being friends with boys, and had many successful friendships with them, but especially as i went into middle school, rarely did the majority ever truly want to be my friend back. either they had feelings for me that were unwanted/not reciprocated OR more often than not, they just... didn't care. they didn't see me as a Real friend probably bc didn't see me as a viable dating candidate AND i would not dumb myself or my morals down for them to see me as "one of the good ones." and it fucking sucked!! guys in high school were absolutely atrocious when it came to feminism/LGBT stuff which was super disheartening.

but now that im in college (even tho it's ending soon), i feel a lot more... respected as a human being than before. which isn't saying a lot lol, straight men still are misogynist and bigoted in various other ways which make them unappealing to me. but i noticed as soon as i transferred to art school last year, men and women were far more integrated than what i had seen in high school. and seeing that really renewed my faith in making friends with another man, even tho i still probably will stick with queer men as my buddies for my sanity's sake.

in the perspective of my genderqueer identity, getting to positively interact with other masculine people (including men of course) feels so EUPHORIC... even if the other person only sees me as a Girl, i still express myself pretty openly and authentically if given the chance and i feel like they respond well to it. i've noticed a couple guys that ive interacted with once or a few times before that give me a glance while walking past me every now and then, as if to say "i think you're cool. im probably not gonna try and talk to you cuz im shy and unsure if i actually wanna be friends or not, but you intrigue me." of course, i may just be projecting what i Want them to think hahaha. but i swear, when i talk to straight boys like they're my equal, i think that genuinely makes an impression on them. and so they wonder about me. straight boys wanna be my friend but they're emotionally repressed and/or dont deserve my friendship!! and honestly? i kinda... dig that. lmfao. feels like i have the upper hand for once in my life. i swear im not being delusional HAHA.

but yea, anyway... i was just thinking about this because masculinity is weirdly important for me. being able to express it while in camaraderie with someone else is !!! so exciting! feels like im making up for lost time all those years that my male peers rejected me, forcing me to only really interact with girls. and just to be clear, i didn't have a problem with girls at all. they were a far better option than the boys so ofc p much all of my friends were girls for a very long time and expressing myself femininely wasn't like, totally inauthentic. but since i felt like girls were my only choice back in the day, that lead me to sort of repress any masculinity i wanted to express because i knew a lot of girls wouldn't "get" it. i've always felt different from most girls in general - being queer and neurodivergent and all - and trying to fit in with any of them who had any semblance of popularity (and who were usually very pretty + feminine) just... never really worked. to this day, i just dont feel feminine enough to really connect to the vast range of girls i've come in to contact with. a lot of them have access to a certain kind of social capital that i just never will be able to access simply by being more feminine that me. which is ok, i like spending my time exclusively with queer, trans, gnc, neurodivergent people. but yea, i've always kind of felt like an outsider to the womanhood that a lot of my cis female peers seem to experience, yet i don't exactly feel explicitly left out. this outsider experience is voluntary in a lot of ways because i know this experience just isnt exactly for me. womanhood as i know it is very informed by heterosexual dynamics and compulsory femininity and that just isn't my vibe at all!

[the-keionbu]

Never before did I feel the theme of ticking time that K-ON portrays than I did this past year/semester of my college career (and I guess bleeding into my summer)

Well, let me preface first with one of the major themes of K-ON season 2 of time, starting when the girls are recruiting new club members, ultimately deciding not to have new people and Yui saying something along the the lines of that they (the girls) have all the time in the world to spend with one another. To which, Sawako responds, “A year can fly by in a blink of an eye,” or something to that extent.

And then this theme is beautifully portrayed carefully throughout the season with the many “fillers” where you forget time is running out. Then by episode 20, the seniors FEEL the reality of their time as high schoolers, as a band, may soon come to a close.

Past strong character development, I really admire series that can tell relateable stories. And not just stories that are like, easily resonate-able. It’s one thing to portray the importance of friendship, and to be able to look at your own respective groups of friends and say “Yeah, I feel.”

What I REALLY admire, is the realistic portrayal of emotion throughout the course of the characters lives we see. 

Of course that’s a given, but theme analysis (IMHO) is MUCH MUCH stronger when taken from the viewer’s own story. So, let me explain further by my own personal experience.

I’m pretty sure everyone has basically gathered from my personal posts on here that I was heavily involved with a student organization during my time in college. 

I joined the club my spring semester of my freshman year, and that has been one of the most important catalysts that made me into who I am today. During that time, I got involved, served in little parts of this campus ministry, and then as an upperclassman, took up the main leadership role for one year, and was on the leadership team as another leader for a different ministry within the group this past year.

Throughout that time, I grew SO much, personally. God sat down my prideful ass and showed me humility, He showed me what it means/takes to lead, and showed me to truly love myself for as I was made. And the ways that translated to how I see life/interact with people have been life changing (LITERALLY I’M NOT EVEN BEING OVER DRAMATIC I SWEAR)

BUT BUT BUTTTT, another big big thing I can’t be more thankful for during my 4 years was the people that surrounded me.

I have always always valued friendship. Growing up as an only child, friends were a big part of my life, because sitting at home alone is boring and lonely. 

But the group of people I met in college showed me what real family meant.

It started out as seeing them once, maybe twice a week for our official group meetings. Then slowly it would be a few times a week, and for a while, I would be with at least some people (out of ~40 people) nearly everyday.

As someone who grew up essentially being taught crying = weakness, and grew up with an incredibly small emotional support system, I had nearly closed myself emotionally to most people. I HATED showing anything other than positivity, strength, courage.

I went through a lot of ups and downs in college. I was brought to to the aftermath of what happens when you think you can do everything yourself, I can finally sympathize with people who have really low self-esteem, because BOI at one point I lost nearly all self-confidence I once prided myself in, I’ve been in a car accident EVERY YEAR, for the past three years, and suffered lowkey PTSD from getting clipped my a truck, and then getting my back car WRECKED in the rain this past year.

I’m very grateful to say most of my life growing up was very pain-free, for the most part (it also helps when you unconsciously repress many things.)

BUT B O I  did college test my endurance as a person. I’ve had more arguably “BAD” things happen to me in the course of these 4 years than I did my entire 22, but I honestly can’t be more thankful for them.

One of the biggest, yes, each one helped me grow as a person. I can firmly say each was a lesson in life, and has made me stronger from surviving each one (I AM MELODRAMATIC I’M SORRY) and jesus is my boi for being a homie throughout all of them, the dishing out, and the saving

BUT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT FRIENDSHIP

AND NOW WE WILL

I can honestly say, I would’ve been much more rekt from all of these if not for my friends, those I call my family.

These people were there for me, right by my side, checking up on me through each stage. It took me 20 years to cry and admit weakness and vulnerability in front of ANYONE, and when I did, the amount of relief and love I felt from them was immeasurable.

TLDR, I LOVE THEM ALL VERY MUCH.

Now, where does time play into this?

I went about my fourth year in college in literally full out Senior Mode.

I did NO T H I NG.

I literally went on a roadtrip with people nearly every other month, I would skip class to go get lunch with someone, my freetime thatt should be spend for classwork WAS MOST CERTAINLY NOT

I was very determined to enjoy my time (which, this was basically me during my entire time but w/e)

And I would always chalk it up to “ya know, I can’t be as lackidasical and lazy when I start working”

Senior year went by so fast. 

I can’t stress that enough.

There’s no way I can intangibly measure the rate at which I felt the year fly by, but boi did it FLY. BY

and literally the next thing I know is that my graduating class in our fellowship and I are having our last offical meeting with everyone, mid-may before club activities end. The ones not graduating (like, ~40 pople,) prayed for the graduating (8 of us) and all of us broke down

Then WE prayed over our underclassman, and I literally couldn’t speak, and I can as I look back, I’m hit with the realization that the emotions of departure that I was feeling were the EXACT same that Yui, Mio, Ritsu and Mugi felt in episode 20.

The underclassman had planned an entire night for us, to thank us for all we’ve done in our fellowship. There was a cute video of them talking about us, they made us presents, wrote notes to all of us, et ecetera. 

But it wasn’t until the very end of the night, as we prayed over each other did I realize that I would not be able to be in the same place as them, fellowship with them, worship with them, really ever. Or at least for a long while.

It it broke my heart (in a good way)

One, because of the sheer “I will very seldom see them all (I mean as a big group) again”

Two, because of the deep, deep gratitude I have in meeting each, and every one of them.

Of course, I still see a bunch of them, hanging out this summer, but as I (kinda) prepare to move for my job, it’s a weird feeling.

During that night, I had thoughts of “man, I wish I reached out to this person more,” or “I wish I spent more time with them,” or “I wish I didn’t miss this event” or “wasn’t busy with x instead” AND SO MANY THOUGHTS

And I’m not saying I live in regrets, nor that I’m nenver gonna see them again. Not at all. I think no matter how much time I spent with this family, I would always think it could be more. Because that’s what happens when you truly find people you love, HOURS of hanging out amount to seconds as you look back on it. And I’m very thankful to say I’m pretty sure I will see most of these people in my life for years to come

BUTTTTT

As I move onto the next stage of my life, Sawako’s words really resonate with me.

What I really want to point out is just how FAST they go from Sawako saying a year goes by fast, to them almost immediately changing the topic and carrying on their daily routine of snacking

Because that’s just so real. The entire concept of how time flies by fast is packed into this 30 second dialogue.

And let me tell, you, is that ever, ever true.

Now,

I was gonna write something here, but I decided now is not the time

BUT BASICALLY as someone who now feels pretty old in this fan base, and advice I can’t stress enOUGH

Open yourself up to possibilities, people, and truly, truly treasure the time you have with your friends.

Yes, opening up to people is SCARY, TRUST ME. But if you really feel it’s someone you can trust, just do it. And even if it turns out bad, it’s okay, you will bounce back, and you will grow.

And when you find those people, those that you feel like they are HOME for you, treasure treasure TREASURE them. Spend more time with them, take more pictures, do MORE dumb things, because that’s what will cling to your memory more than anything. And if my words don’t prove that, go just frickin watch K-ON again and tell me the times that they stalked Sawako, or when Yui got lost during the marathon, TELL. ME. that those weren’t more memorable to them than whhen they just practiced.

With that, let me end this with one story:

I graduated at the end of may in the MLB ballpark in the city my college was in. Which meant, we were all in the stands. Grads were mixed together, we could sti with anyone, and we were able to walk around the stadium during the duration of the ceremony.

Which meant, we got to walk around, get food from the ballpark, meet our friends and family in their stands, it was just, very casual, and not like a usual graduation ceremony.

The actual commencement was so boring. And it was a joy to hear they’d start to let us line up to get our ‘dimplomas.’

So background, since we had it at an MLB ballpark, the team had a game next day, so wwe couldn’t go on the field, or else it’d mess it up. And EVERYONE who was graduating, NOT BY MAJOR, but E V ERY O NE, sat together. 5,000 people graduating at once.

So instead of calling our names one by one, like a usual commencement, all the grads lined up for 4 different cameras set around the field that would be displayed on the Big Screen on the stadium. Our friends and families would have to play “Where’s Waldo” for when their loved one was on the screen.

My friends and I, the ones that were graduating from our fellowship, sat together, got our dipolmas together, and took pics together back in the stands before the fireworks show started.

this whole thing for people to get their degree on camera took over an hour, whic, ofc with 5k people.

We got ours in the middle, and were just chilling with our other friends who came down to see us.

earlier that week, one of our guys (not graduating) joked about bringing his old middle school robe from their promotion and sitting with us, because they don’t check. Only if eveyrone had a purple cap and gown.

He didn’t end up bringing it, and we gave him crap

JOKINGLY, I said to him as were waiting for fireworks, “What if you took one of our cap and gowns and pretened to walk and graduate”

and after a short bet, he had to do it. Borrowed one of our  attires, suited up, and joined the last leg of people receiving their diplomas, dabbed (trash) on screen as he was on the camera, and was stopped by a security asking him “Why did you wait so long to line up??”

and the whole thing was hilarious, and documented HEAVILY on our social medias and phones, and still something we all joke and laugh about.

BUT

the point is, we all remember and cherish the memory him pretending to graduate, over our own graduation

and i hope each and every one of you strives to make memories like those

[lady-nevermore]

Third Session Part 2 (aka the things I forgot to include).

June 6, 2017 

Meh....(this is starting to feel like a broken record/feels somewhat redundant and I’ve started to notice/become hella conscious of the fact: of how much i use the word “I” in these therapy-blogs....feeling hella self-conscious that ppl will start to think I’m hella obnoxiously: selfish, egotistical or something). >_>; .....But Anyways......

Ah yes, I remember now, well I remember telling my therapist how I tend to Separate my thoughts from how I’m feeling.....in other words when I’m feeling an emotion that I find to be too intense/overwhelming at the moment and don’t wanna deal with, I tend to avoid, bury and not think about what I’m feeling and vice versa, and just feel cold/numb.....I told my therapist that it was my coping mechanism so to speak......My therapist says that, that is really unhealthy, and that we’ll start to find another, healthier way for me to cope that isn’t me burying/repressing my emotions like that. <---- Dunno Why I felt I needed to write this down, but I do feel like it could be important for later on.

We Also talked about If I ever got the chance to say goodbye to my old Mentor/Friend, Obi-Wan and that he was the first loss/death (of someone i knew personally) that I ever experienced.....I told her (My Therapist), that I wasn’t like at his deathbed or anything when he passed away, but that I did say goodbye to him in 2010 in person, when I was 18, during my Graduation of AHS High......The last words he said to me before giving me a bear-hug, was that He was Proud of me, and that “I was gonna be fine”.......You know it’s funny, (and I haven’t even told my therapist this yet, I’ll have to remember to tell her later on) but that was the first time anyone (from well a parental-figure at least) has ever really said that they were “Proud of me”.....And I remember at age 18, feeling so damn overwhelmed (it was heartwarming really) ......and it’s not that I’m blaming my parents or anything like that......it’s just that in our family we tend to not really express a lot of our emotions, ‘Tis not really in our nature.....hell I get like hella uncomfortable/awkward whenever I cry in front of somebody, let alone seeing others cry in front of me.......But anyways, that’s beside the point, The Last words Obi-Wan said to me, face to face, was that “I was going to be fine”, and then I said good-bye, but He told me that this wasn’t good-bye, and he made me promise to come back and visit him at my old alma-mater AHS High, and I promised him I would............And dammit, I was 19 in 2011 (you see, it was during 2011, the day I created this tumblr blog and a year shortly after I graduated/and I was attending Community College) I tried, I really did try to stop by and visit, but he was out that day, off work, for a Chemotherapy treatment.....I heard the news via facebook, that he died a few months, shortly afterwards.....I promised to visit him, and even though I tried, a part of me still feels like I low-key sort of failed him in keeping that promise. *sigh* 

I also told my Therapist that I don’t like feeling forced/obligated in doing things.....the more I’m forced/feel obligated/ coerced to do something, the more I internally rebel (example going to church when I was a youngling, aka when I was more an atheist/agnostic and against the idea of being immensely religiously Catholic like the rest of my family/extended family, this includes my Aunt C)....Things have changed, and even though I pride myself, and prefer to being tolerant, liberal-minded, open-minded, I’ve come to terms with trying to have an open-mind, and thereby get close to God (cause Obi-wan was quite a spiritual/ religious guy and In someway I sorta wanna feel connected to him) and in being semi-religious/agnostic and trying to get in touch in having/attempting to have faith again (spiritually at least......after all I’m absolutely fascinated and love learning about lore, myths, other cultures and their mythologies/religions, and spiritual beliefs) and so far..... I feel a sense of peace, soooo so far so good?......But .Yeah trust me I know I’m stubborn......But yeah, If I’m gonna do something it’s going to be on my terms, because I wanted to. 

I also told my Therapist that there were moments , in the past, where I felt really exhausted always feeling like I need to be perfect (the perfect student, the teacher’s pet, living up to the expectations that my parents, teachers and even old high-school friends had of me, not to mention my own personal high expectations that I held against myself)....My Therapist says I need to figure out who I want be and what I want do with my life, but that it’s important that it’s via “on my own terms”. ....I Told her that might be sorta difficult because I have a really hard time with being/or feeling uncertain or dealing with changes in life....but that I can, at the very least acknowledge and recognize that, that is always gonna be a part of, and how life just is. 

I also told her that I have had, and probably still have a hard time when it comes to emotionally reaching out to family, friends, people.....because it makes me feel “trapped/obligated” into the commitment of emotionally putting myself out there and emotionally investing myself into a relationship.....and I told her that I try to fight against this anxious feeling in spite of it telling me otherwise (probably has something to do with my trust issues), and that I’m also not sure if this becuase I’m an introvert (because I do feel exhausted when dealing with a huge group of people, socializing....unless I really trust and really know them, and even then it still takes a lot of my energy...tend to prefer quieter moments to myself or with a few seldom people in order to recharge.

My therapist also told me something that rings quite true to me (cause my old Mentor Obi-Wan used to say the same thing); “To control what you can control, Don’t try to control what you can’t”......In other words: Try to choose and be in control of how I choose to respond/react to things/situations that give me anxiety and the like, rather than allowing that anxious feeling to overtake and control how I react/feel. Gonna try really hard to keep that in mind. 

We talked a bit about how my old high-school friends really meant the world to me (that they were a really bright light in my life), and that includes Obi-Wan’s Wife, let’s call her: Lady Obi-Wan, who has such a gentle and kind soul, and whom is someone I really trust, and that is someone (that is if I ever get better or feel ready in the future to face her and a slew other of old faces) that I sort of still to want to reconnect with, but we’ll see...I did tell me therapist that i feel ashamed/guilty that i turned my back on them/cut them out of my life......but that I dunno if I’m truly blaming myself for my actions or If I should be blaming my depression for causing me to make that choice......It wasn’t something I’m proud of me.....my old-high school friends deserved better than that, but at the same time I can’t help but feel like we (most of us) were sort of already drifting apart there in the end, after all they all went and gone to college, made their own lives, and we all parted ways.......I told my therapist lke I sometimes feel like I’m sorta stuck in the past.......and that I would find it easier, and would love nothing more than to just let go of the past and start/begin anew.....And even though on some level that’s already what I’m doing now via going to therapy, making friends here on tumblr, I may still want to face old faces of my past and at the very least explain and owe them an apology, and maybe, just maybe pluck up the courage to reconnect with a few old friends (at the very least Lady Obi-Wan and a few others).  But we’ll see....dunno if I even ready to face that slew of confrontations. *sigh* ......Welp, If anything, I’ve learned a great deal from these past experiences, and I’ve personally vowed to at least try harder in trying to not distant myself, and to cherish and keep my current tumblr-friendships, here on tumblr, and any future friendships I make in the future (after all if there’s anything I value high above anything else it’s: friendship, camaraderie and loyalty), and I also vowed to never repeat the same mistakes (regardless of my anxiety/depression/issues telling me, to flee, or otherwise), lest I tarnish my word and may never be willing to forgive myself for betraying another set of friends.  

*Side-Note*: One thing I haven’t told my therapist yet, is that whenever my social anxiety/anxiety acts up (or when I’m having a hard time in expressing myself, especially verbally), it causes me to appear (in real-life): Snobbish, stand-offish, cold, or worse annoyingly pushy, and high-strung, .........and these are things/aspects of myself that I sometimes still have/behave as, but were waaaaaay more prevalent when I was a dumb-teenager, that tbh, I have never really liked and low-key hate about myself....And it is something that I’m consciously trying to work on and am trying to not appear or behave/act like that. 

I’ve told my Therapist that I’m writing down my experiences in therapy here on this Tumblr blog, and that I have a few online (tumblr friends)....She says that that is a good idea (in order to help keep track of my progress) and she sorta jotted down the name of the site: tumblr.....and I’m not gonna lie, but I sorta got low-ley nervous/paranoid about that.....but ah well. lol ^^;

*Things to Keep in Mind* She told me to keep going with my breathing exercises (there were a few days I’ve sorta forgot this past week, mostly cause of Jay’s Graduation/Me trying to find her the perfect gift...But I’ma try to stick with it regardless)....Oh, right and to try to write/jot down what situation I think is causing me to feel anxious/depressed/melancholy during the that moment. 

*sigh* Why do these always feel like it takes ages for me articulate, forge and to write.....probably cause I tend to overfocus/be hella meticulous about even the tiniest of details.....(need to learn how to chill and pace myself). meh xP

Anyways, I swear If I forgot anything else, which knowing me I probably did, I’ll try to remember to include it in the next therapy-session blog....My next session isn’t till June 19, so in the meantime, I’ll continue my “Letters to No One” Side Therapy- blogs, aka the blogs where I anonymously write letters to my old high school friends, mentors, or people I knew from the past but not actually send them (in order to vent, reminisce, letting go of the past, look back on fondly, decipher and figure out situations and myself from the past, etc). 

Links of my personal journey of going through therapy, & other personal things:

Therapy Blogs (My Main Journey of going through Therapy).

Letters to No One (Therapy Side-Blogs).

Tumblr Surveys (Personal stuff If You want to get know more about me).

Extra Links (If I’m not on Tumblr, I’m usually on here, so add me if you wish):

My Twitter

My Anime Page List 

Anyways, thanks for listening my dears! (^-^)b

And thank you two: @angelotics and @theamazingflyinglion  , for the moral support thus far, as well as for our lovely little chats, you guys have no idea how much they really help and mean to me *hugs you both* :)

- Lady Nevermore