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myhahnestopinion · 8 years

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The Night THE EXTREME SNOWMOBILING, SLIGHTLY MORE RACIST POWER RANGERS Came Home: THE CHILL FACTOR (1993)

I’ve watched 26 unbelievably terrible movies for this series thus far, and I find that I am a broken man. These films have collectively shattered every notion I had about tone, film-making, justice, and reality. Troll 2 may just have been the final nail in the coffin. I’m not sure how much longer I can go on, you guys. I’m going insane. I…I just need something to relax me. I need some chill…

What’s this? There’s a 1993 film called The Chill Factor? Why, that sounds perfect! It’s just what I needed! A nice, relaxing, chill film that I’m sure won’t be another incoherent barrage of nonsensical plotting, inept film-making, and offensive material, right? Right? Right…?

The film’s opening credits are accompanied by a soft, pleasant piano piece. Ah, this film is indeed shaping up to be quite the relaxing experience. The credits fade to reveal two snowmobilers, though the snowstorm they’re driving through is so thick, it’s really hard to see anything. A voice-over of an older woman, Jeannie, begins to talk about a nightmare she had, one that came to her in the disguise of a regular dream. Oh, well, that’s not exactly relaxing, but it’s not exactly scary either, so I’ll take it. Suddenly, we watch as one of the snowmobilers is flung through the air in slow motion, right into a tree, which shatters his helmet and his face.

Sigh. You couldn’t even give me one, could you. Well, here we go again, you guys.

So, that fades, and we see a younger version of Jeannie, in pink snowmobile gear, standing next to her boyfriend Tom. The whole scene is in stilted slow-motion, and contains no dialogue except for the continued narration of Jeannie’s older self. “I was so in love,” she states. Um, okay, sure, thanks for telling us and not, you know, SHOWING US WITH AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION THAT INDICATES YOU ARE IN LOVE! The voice-over goes on to inform us that Jeannie accepted Tom’s proposal, even though she was uneasy about it, because “his best friend, Chris, was dating his older sister, Karen, and his other friend, Ron, got engaged to a black girl.”

I…uh… oh boy. Listen, Mr. The Chill Factor, I admire your attempts at diversity, but, um, IT DOESN’T COUNT AS DIVERSITY IF YOU DON’T EVEN GIVE THE BLACK GIRL A NAME! LIKE, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? WHY? WHY?! EVERYONE ELSE GETS A NAME!! THIS CAME OUT IN THE 90s!!!

NO, I WILL NOT BE CHILL! I CANNOT BE CHILL!

So, we cut to a scene where all of these aforementioned people, including “the black girl” who still doesn’t get a name, are gathered in a snowy forest. We’re treated to an excruciating long scene of the gang all just snowmobiling through this forest, racing one another. Nothing interesting or exciting happens here at all. The scenes intended thrills feel less like a snowmobile-themed Fast and Furious spin-off, and more like a Power Rangers one. They even all wear uniquely colored snowmobile outfits, so we can tell them apart. Red, Blue, Pink. They’re pretty much all there!

So, the gang ends up snowmobile to a bar. Upon entering, “the black girl” takes off her helmet, and everyone in the all-white bar stops to glare at her. Come on, dudes! She’s a human being! She has a name! …Wait, nope. Still no name. A drunk begins to harass this nameless woman, and, in an bizarrely awkward moment, he spins around to aggressively point, only to poke one of the fellow snowmobilers in the chest. “Hi, I’m Ron McCalsky,” the snowmobiler says, with a cadence that suggests he’s about to host an infomercial, and a facial expression that suggests he is completely dead inside. Well, uh, that’s one way to introduce your character’s names, I guess. Another way to do it is seen later, when the gang all sit down in a booth, and when the waitress comes by, Tom introduces everyone by name. He points to the black girl and states, “That’s Lissa.”

SHE HAS A NAME! SHE HAS A NAME, EVERYBODY! IT WASN’T UNTIL THE OTHER CHARACTERS HAD BEEN INTRODUCED THREE TIMES ALREADY, BUT SHE’S GOT A NAME! SHE’S A HUMAN BEING!

Well, the film still hasn’t quite grasped that yet, as there’s a moment where Lissa starts humming, and Ron remarks, “I fell in love with the only black girl who sings off-pitch.” …That wasn’t even a stereotype I was familiar with, The Chill Factor, so, um, thanks for that… Anyway, Tom and Chris get into a debate over who is faster, and decide they need a good frozen lake-bed to race on. The comment sparks Jeannie’s memory of her nightmare involving the two. She stares horrified into the distance, as the film cuts to show… nothing. It cuts to show a completely white screen. Did… did you forget to insert the footage of her nightmare scene there…? So, the waitress recommends that they go up to Black Friar Lake, adding, “We just call it Black Lake.” She says there’s an interesting story surrounding why it has that name, a bit of local history, but given how obviously racist this whole village is, I’m not sure I want to know why it’s called “Black Lake.”

So, we cut to the gang out at this lake, and Older Jeannie’s narration returns. “Black Friar Lake was white,” she states. Man, typical Hollywood white-washing. Even the lakes are all white! In fact, this film is so obsessed with whiteness, that half of its footage is blindingly white. Tom and Chris start their snowmobile race, but the film-makers were so absolutely incapable of dealing with the natural lighting of a snow-covered lake, that the footage is just unwatchable. You literally cannot see what is going on. Eventually, this race results in the events of Jeannie’s nightmare coming true, as Tom is flung from his vehicle, and smacks into a nearby tree.

Tom’s alive, but is in shock, and needs medical attention, so Ron heads off to try to find some shelter, stumbling across a boarded up church. He breaks in, and once again the film spends an excessive amount of time on a boring and uneventful scene. Ron slowly investigates the church with his flashlight, but nothing scary of interesting is found within. At one point, the flashlight and camera slowly pan over a crucifix statue, lingering on Jesus’ bloody feet pierced by a nail. Okay, I mean, sure, the prevalent fixation on bloody representations of Jesus’ mutilated body is an odd thing for a religion centered on love and non-violence, but it’s not scary. Yet, that is this film’s best attempt at an ominous sign for its central location.

So, the gang move Tom into the church, and rest him down on some benches in front of the fireplace. Ron heads out down the mountain to find help, and the rest of them tend to Tom’s wounds. Once again, the scene is unbearably drawn out, and entirely uneventful. The film can’t even draw any tension out of this dire situation where the gang is left to tend to these life-threatening injuries without any medical supplies. The best it can manage is a moment where they need cotton to wrap one of Tom’s wounds, but all their clothing is thermal-wear, since they have been snow-mobiling. Rather than have this result in any frantic search or tension though, there’s just a two-second beat, before Lissa casually remarks that her shirt is cotton, because she can’t stand anything else against her skin. Well, okay, then. That was easy, and definitely a necessary, riveting moment. For a second, it looks like this was only included to get some gratuitous nudity, except the film doesn’t actually go for it, only showing Lissa from the back as she removes her shirt. I mean, I would commend them for understanding that cramming in pointless nudity is not a requirement for horror films, but, um, the film has no problem showing some nudity from the white women later, so I can help but fear that it’s due to the film’s inability to portray black woman as desirable, or even as actual human beings.

So, uh, the film is once again dreadfully boring for a long stretch. There’s some uneventful scenes where Ron is shown still snowmobiling to get help, and Tom eventually wakes up from his comatose state. So, after wasting a enormous chunk of its run-time on nothing, the film finally remembers it’s actual a horror film, and not a survival drama/deplorable racist abomination. So, Jeannie, Chris, Karen, and Lissa all sit down at a circular table, and Karen is just like, “I found a box of interesting stuff. Let’s check it out.” Yeah, okay, let’s do that. Like, that’s literally this film’s entire set-up for its horror material. They just casually decide to look through some random box, and find a “Devil’s Eye” board. It’s like a Ouija board, exactly like a Ouija board, but, uh, it’s scarier… because this film says so. “My grandmother had a board just like this one,” Lissa remarks. “She said it came from Haiti.”

…Do you get it? Sigh. Yes, you see, minorities are all superstitious devil worshipers, and now their evil ways are going to put all these poor white folk in danger. This is why we need a wall, don’t you know? I… just… holy crap, this movie. I mean…. ugh….

I WAS PROMISED “CHILL”!!!! I JUST WANTED ONE RELAXING FILM!!!

So, the gang all decide to use the board, because nothing else exciting is happening in this dumpster fire. Older Jeannie’s voice-over returns again to inform us that she thought about stopping this, but that she thought her nightmare was over with Tom’s injury, and that all these people were “educated. Smarter than me.” Well, smarter than you is a pretty low bar, but I’m still not convinced these guys actually clear it. So yeah, they perform the ritual to talk to the board, and as the board’s arrow spins around, we cut to a shot of Ron still snowmobiling to get help, despite doing that for the last half-hour of this movie. He runs right into some barbed wire strung between two trees, and is killed.

Yep. You know what they say, the Devil works in mysterious, nonsensical, and convoluted ways! I think that’s how it goes, anyway. I mean, seriously, what?! They play with the board, and there’s instantly some barbed wire out there to kill this dude?! THAT’S NOT EVEN A SUPERNATURAL PHENOMENON!! WHY….WHY…WHY WOULD THAT BE THE DEVIL’S METHOD OF KILLING PEOPLE?!

So, the ritual also sends Tom into convulsions, but when the gang check on him, he seems fine. “Fine enough to be a pain in the ass, like usual,” Karen remarks. “My sweet little sister,” Tom replies, “I’ll give you a pain in the ass, don’t worry.”

…Breathe…. Just breathe…. You can do this…. Do not lose your chill… I…I just…WHAT?! WHY? WHY THE IMPLIED INCEST?! I DON’T UNDERSTAND!! WHY FOLLOW THAT UP BY HAVING KAREN START MAKING-OUT WITH CHRIS, AND HAVING TOM GIVE HIM HIS BLESSING TO GO OFF AND HAVE SEX WITH HIS SISTER?!! NOW IS NOT A GOOD TIME FOR THAT!! THERE’S NEVER A GOOD TIME FOR ANY OF THIS!! I…I… ….just breathe… you can do this…

So, yeah, Chris and Karen go off to have sex, and nothing happens and there is no reason to include it. Lissa also goes off exploring, and stumbles across a desk drawer, where she finds letter from parents to the church’s summer camp, relaying concerns over a vague tragedy that happened there. This film’s entire horror element is literally just people stumbling across random boxes full of exposition.

Well, actually, we finally, finally, get to some actual horror stuff. Lissa spies a shadow of a hooded man with clawed hands on the wall, and runs into a freezer to hide. The shadow lingers outside the freezer’s door, and inside, a rusted fan lowers from the ceiling. Instead of running or anything, Lissa stands there screaming, as the fan inches closer, before chopping her up into bloody bits. So, yeah, that’s a scene of this movie. You almost had something there, The Chill Factor. Next time, maybe make it a little more overtly supernatural, and, um, not completely stupid and terrible.

So, Chris wanders off, and finds Lissa’s mutilated body. He has a pretty chill reaction to this discovery, but, hey, it is The Chill Factor after all. So, he grabs a knife, and wanders outside, where he trips, and an icicle falls and impales his eyeball. Um, okay. The Devil’s preferred methods of killing seem a bit… unremarkable… Like, none of this even requires a supernatural presence. I’m not convince anything is actually happening in this movie except for the kids being completely idiotic, as they are wont to do.

Well, I guess the next scene’s a bit strange. Jeannie goes to check on Tom, and Tom has now completely healed from his injuries. “I told you we’re a remarkable family,” he states. “I’m sure we have Indian blood.”

….

…breathe… just breathe….

No, The Chill Factor. Just, no.

Sigh…

So, Tom and Jeannie start having sex. Sure, okay. That scene is spliced together with a scene where Karen wanders around the church. She stumbles across a box on a high shelf that she just has to have, probably because more exposition is hidden within. She climbs up on a chair to reach it, but gets tangled up in some volleyball nets hanging from the ceiling, and hangs herself.

Yes, once again, that’s not supernatural. Just stupidity.

So, I’ve had a few slip ups here and there, but for the most part, I’ve been able to keep my cool with this film. Well, um, in the next scene, we cut back to Tom and Jeannie. Jeannie has fallen asleep. Tom gives an evil glare as he caresses her body. He looks up, and we cut to a shot where the freezer door opens, as Lissa steps out of the blinding white light of the room. She stares at the camera, and begins stripping. We cut to another shot, where Karen, alive again, looks at the camera, strips down as well, and starts spinning around. Cut back to Tom, whose fingernails have grown into claws. He flips Jeannie over, and starts raping her.

…

I’m done.

Nope, I’m done.

I can’t do this anymore, you guys!

I JUST WANTED A “CHILL MOVIE”!!! I WANTED SOMETHING RELAXING!!!

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!!! WHY?!!! WHY????!!!!!

NONE OF IT MAKES SENSE! NONE OF IT MATTERS! NONE OF IT IS RELEVANT OR MENTIONED AGAIN! NONE OF IT IS EXPLAINED! WHY?!!!

…

….the show must go on…

…breathe in… breathe out…

So, the next morning, Jeannie wakes up, and Tom is gone. She wanders around the church, and finds the dead bodies. Her completely logical reaction to all this is to consult the Devil’s Eye board, which… tells her that it is her friend, and informs her that Tom is evil, and is killing everybody…

Yes, the board is suddenly good, and helps Jeannie out. Why does it do this? Wasn’t it the reason all this supposedly demonic activity is happening?!

So, the film is so utterly confusing and terrible that it is entirely unclear whether or not this is meant as a twist where Tom has been evil and orchestrating these deaths all along, which would make absolutely no sense whatsoever and DRIVE ME COMPLETELY INSANE, or if he is, as initially implied, demon possessed. I don’t know which it is, but the board is a good-guy now. Sure.

So, Jeannie runs away, but stops to spy on Tom, who is dressed in the black cloak. Tom spots her, and gives chase, but Jeannie gets on a snowmobile, and gets away just as Tom reaches out to grab her shoulder. Jeannie speeds off into the forest, and the film’s soft piano theme begins to play.

Is… Is that it…? Is my nightmare finally over…?

Hahaha! Nope! Jeannie comes across Tom’s bloodied body in the woods, in the spot where he first hit the tree. Why is this body there, you ask? Was it ever the real Tom? Well, I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA!!! Tom’s body springs to life, grins, pulls a snowmobile out of nowhere, and begins to chase after Jeannie. I don’t know why I thought this movie wouldn’t end before the main character had to have a snowmobile race against the devil, but, yeah, that’s where we are at people.

During this once again excruciatingly long snowmobile chase, which is also once again too blindingly white to even see properly, the two suddenly stop so that Tom can point out Ron’s dead body nearby. They just stop their frantic chase, he points at the body, and they continue. I know why this moment is there. The film needed a way to inform Jeannie that Ron had been killed, but, um, YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO JUST COMPLETELY STOP YOUR MOVIE TO LITERALLY POINT THIS OUT TO HER!!!

So, the chase continues, and continues, and continues, and continues. It’s so boring. It’s so boring, you guys. Eventually, the two round a corner, and spot a giant snow plow ahead. Jeannie is able to swerve and miss it, but Tom runs right into it. He’s flattened as it runs over him, and his snowmobile explodes. I…I’m so tired I can’t even mock how out-of-nowhere and utterly stupid this resolution is.

Still not done though, as a police officer instantly pulls up, because I guess he knew he was going to be needed, and Jeannie rides off. Her older voice-over explains that she felt that she could not deal with the questions the police would ask her. I can’t blame her, because there are no answers to any of the questions this movie raises! Nothing in this movie made any sense whatsoever! The voice-over continues, saying, “It would have been so easy to say ‘no’ when Karen found that damn board.” Yes, yes it would have. There was literally no reason to play with the board. The movie ends with older Jeannie stating that she still dreams of that night with Tom, but states that it wasn’t really a nightmare. “No, the nightmares are something else.”

Fade to black.

I…I… WHAT ARE THE NIGHTMARES THEN?!! IF IT WASN’T THE NIGHT WHERE YOUR FIANCE GOT DEMON POSSESSED AND MURDERED ALL YOUR FRIENDS, THEN WHAT ARE THE REAL NIGHTMARES?!!

I’ll tell you what the real nightmare is. The real nightmare is having to watch this awful, incompetent, worthless pile of boring, racist crap. The Chill Factor is an appalling train-wreck of a film. The only sensible thing it does is have half the movie’s footage be so blindingly white, that it saves us from the painful experience of having to see all the terrible crap they throw on the screen.

WHY IS THIS MOVIE SO RACIST?! WHY DO SO MANY OF THESE FILMS CONTAIN RANDOM, UNNECESSARY SCENES OF RAPE?! HOW DOES THIS FILM HAVE SO MANY BOXES OF EXPOSITION, AND YET STILL NOT MAKE AN OUNCE OF SENSE?! WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR PEOPLE TO TELL A SIMPLE STORY?!

…

All I wanted was a relaxing movie for once….

…

I’ll be back tomorrow, I guess. My sanity may be irreparably shattered, my core beliefs on what film-making is ground into powder, and my life transformed into an eternal hell of my own making where there is no relief from the utter disasters that horror has produced, but the show must go on…

The Chill Factor is available to stream on Amazon Prime, and is on DVD.

Tomorrow: The Night A TECHNICOLOR, CONSPICUOUS INVISIBLE MAN Came Home…

#film #thenightxcamehome #halloween #thechillfactor

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