#the working title for this one is “alicorns don’t age. what happens when one is born?” take from that what you will :)

[lockandkeyhyena]

Ooh fun idea! How about 2?

“I hate her. I hate her so much.” Cadance heaved into Shining Armor’s hooves, sobs wracking her exhausted body.

“Don’t say that sweetheart, it isn’t true.”

“I wish she would drop fucking dead.”

Shining Armor’s grip on his wife tightened, but he didn’t say anything.

“Why didn’t Celestia say something?”

“She couldn’t have known-“ the stallion was cut off by his wife pushing him away, the princess slumping down onto the floor. She drew her wings around herself, creating an artificial barrier between the two ponies.

Shining sighed, weary eyes boring through his wife’s attempts at solitude.

The argument wasn’t a new one. 

It wasn’t a new one by many years.

“Is this the rest of our lives, Shining?” She barely whispered, all out of tears to cry.

“…There are plenty of nurseries that would be willing to take her-“

“I WILL NOT GIVE UP MY DAUGHTER!” The Princess of Love roared, causing Shining to flinch backwards. But only slightly.

“…I know.”

[incorrectmlpquotes]

I watched My Little Pony: Equestrian Girls (2013)

Or: This wasn’t what I signed up for when I started watching this show, but now I’m suckered in.

If I was better at planning things, I would have started with this review. But, here we are.

Some history As stated previously, I was not exactly excited to watch the Equestrian Girls movie (mainly because this commercial still haunts my nightmares). It was a lot better than I had expected, but that doesn’t mean it does;t have flaws. Lots and lots of flaws. The biggest of which being: this feels like fan fiction. Now, let me elaborate: I have seen a lot of people compare works to fan fiction implying that it’s bad or poorly written. That is not at all true or fair. Fan fiction can be complex and well-written and way more interesting than a lot of published fiction. But there are certain thing s a writer can get away with in fan fiction that doesn’t work in other writing. For example, in stories based on, say, a popular tv show, you don’t need to go into detail about a character’s appearance or characteristics because the reader already knows all of those details. A good writer uses a pre-established world and people to get right to the meat of a story and explore other aspects of them. That would be fine, except this movie was intended to be a back-door pilot to a new show.  Let that sink in: they wanted to take a familiar and complex universe with a unique premise and make a high school au. 

The high school au is actually an easy to understand phenomenon. The advice most given to young writers is “write what you know.” I’m not going to discuss whether or not this is good advice, but it does explain a few things. The average age for fan fiction writers is 12-20. What do people in this age know a lot about? The building they spend eight hours a day, five days a week for sixteen years sitting in, thinking about tv shows. Why shouldn’t they write bout their favorite characters doing the same? The problem arises when Hollywood executives who haven’t been in a high school for thirty years decide to screw up a simple concept by taking your favorite characters and using every high school cliche in the book. They do that so often in this movie, I made a bingo game for it. Feel free to play along:

Enough stalling, to the movie:

The film starts with the princess summit. If you didn’t see the (I can’t believe I’m writing this) controversial season three finale where resident brainiac Twilight Sparkle becomes a princess alicorn, too bad. This is not explained and will be a pretty important plot point. It is nice that they give some brief characterization at the beginning, but they don’t say the other Mane Six’s names. Didn’t this come out in theaters? A movie- even one based off a tv show- should provide this information so if someone who’s never seen the show watches it, they can understand the references. The Rugrats movies did it, the Wild Thornberrys movie did it,  and this movie should have done it.

Perchance could this hooded figure that’s creeping about after dark be a villain? Meet Sunset Shimmer. She was Princess Celestia’s  pupil who went rogue after her desire for great power overtook her good nature. Sound familiar?

No? Good

Ah plot contrivances . I understand that these are the bedrock to most movies based in magical universes, but it shouldn’t make me think “how convenient” every five minutes. Maybe I wouldn’t feel this way if it were actually explained what a moon means. They have days. They have months. They have years. HOW LONG IS A MOON? EXPLAIN YOUR UNIT OF TIME, EQUESTRIA!!!

Ok, Twilight’s reaction to being turned in to a human (?) is hilarious. I read that the writers made Spike a dog to avoid the weird dragon age implication, and it is pretty funny, but why does he know how she should act in this world? (And why does that outfit make her look like an anime character?)

I know they needed to get all the characters we the audience are familiar with into one long sight gag, but why is Diamond Tiara in a high school?  How do ages translate in this universe? It’s things like this that reinforce the fan fiction argument

About the songs in this: they’re not great. They aren’t terrible by any means, but after season three (I actually quite enjoyed the songs in the finale) it’s a tad dissappointing

Over fourteen minutes in and we finally get to meet the Mane 6 doppelgängers and the villain antagonist of the piece. Aaaaand she’s a one-dimensional mean girl stereotype. Twilight can fight the literal spirit of chaos, but can she survive Regina George?

Actual Disney Princess Fluttershy. But how does she carry around any books without crushing those animals? My high school backpack would have squished Angel bunny

Princess Celestia: thousand year old omniscient being who raises the sun, demoted to a public high school principal. Not even a school board super intendant. It sucks to be you, babe. That design is beyond hideous btw

The instant they said “princess”, I just knew we were in for a ride. Look, that was the easiest comparison for what was going on in the MLP-verse, but the princess of a dance doesn’t really do anything. They get their pictures the school paper, and maybe the yearbook and that’s all. It’s not like she’s running for class president or something that would actually affect the student body

So are they seniors? There are three pictures of Sunset winning the title, so… 

The moments of self-awareness are really jarring, especially because the principal just spoke to a new student without asking for transcripts or grades or anything

You know, maybe show a little more than just one scene of making Fluttershy cry (a feat so easy her pet rabbit does it on a regular basis) if you want me to believe that Sunset is so mean and scary. She’s not exactly Heather Chandler

If there is one phrase that needs to be expunged from screen-writers’ vocabulary, it is “rule the school.” It is quite possibly the single worst cliche I have ever seen and is usually the worst part of any high school movie. Maybe if Sunset was using her magic to control these people it would be different, but we don’t see that. The lunch room would be the perfect setting to showcase how she divides people in order to keep them weak (a la the Hunger Games), but no such luck

Some hilarious foreshadowing at the hands of Pinkie, and some flat exposition from Applejack. We get it! Sunset is a mean girl! Those exist, but it doesn’t make her an all-powerful villain! So far Rainbow Dash has been presented as a better antagonist than her. Your close friend can do more to stab you in the back than someone who’s shows up just complain about decorations

Sunset disrespected the cider! Kick her ass, AJ!

I’m really glad they found the only poorly-lit corner of the school to have the confrontation scene. But honestly, isn’t running unopposed kind of a pathetic way to win? Like, wouldn’t Sunset rather crush someone on her way to victory to establish dominance? The addition of the new mythos as to what happens when an element of harmony is brought to another universe is actually a nice addition, but I bet we won’t hear about it again until the climax    

So the Main 6 5 were friends and something split them apart? I bet it must be something very serious to divide such a close friend group. Or perhaps a simple yet frustrating misunderstanding that ruins all suspense. Probably the latter. That photo of the younger characters is the most adorable thing i’ve ever seen, though

The moment I’ve been waiting thirty two minutes for: Rarity’s appearance! And it took me that long to figure out that they are basically all wearing the same outfit. I think this might be the case of designing for the merchandise before designing the characters: Doll skirts are waaaaaay easier to sew than doll pants, and those knee-high boots mean less anatomy to worry about. Did that toy line take off? I feel like I never see them in stores...

I suppose I should be asking why the school would care about someone they’ve never met doing something embarassing on a video, but in real life everyone would just assume Twilight was on drugs. Also, I’m pretty sure smear campaigns would get you disqualified from the race

So technology ruined their friendship. That’s not what’s said, but that is what’s being implied

This is the biggest example of how you can get by without detailed characterization in fan fiction but not published writing: the audience know what element each pony doppelgänger stands for because they’ve had three seasons to earn that trait. These characters have not. For the most part, none of them have even slightly acted like them. Rarity’s really the only one, being generous and helping someone she had never met hide from the crowd who has come to mock her shame. I suppose Fluttershy was kind, but Twilight stood up for her first and she was kind of just returning the favor. Applejack has’t had the chance to be honest (providing exposition does not count), Pinkie was visibly angry at one point, and and ending a friendship over a petty squabble is the exact opposite of loyalty. Rainbow Dash would not have ended the feud if Twilight hadn’t intervened. I know this is a seventy minute movie and they have to move the story along, but maybe have less montages and more exploration of character. Friendship is Magic parts 1 and 2 was only forty five minutes only and they managed to introduce a new world, characters, and a plot setup while keeping the story going

And just like that, the conflict is resolved. Rainbow’s design is HORRIBLE. What is up with that skirt? And more importantly: how does being bad at a sport mean you will be a good princess? Wouldn’t her willingness to fix a friendship say more about her character? 

 On to the annoying blue elephant in the room: I hate Flash Sentry. I hate him as a character plot device and I have no use for him. Here is what I have written in my notes for this scene:

Looking past the fact that only one main character has ever shown an interest in a romantic relationship, watching the normally competent and intelligent Twilight act awkward around a boy who (need I remind you) is a different species than she, makes me sick to my stomach. If you like him: fine. If you ship them: whatever. I do not care. This is not the worst ship I have seen come out of this show/movie, but he has no personality or character. He is generic “boy” character who could have been written out and the movie would have been the same. Every time he is in a scene, I roll my eyes and groan. That is all I’m going to say about him

Rarity being overly dramatic gives me life, but the speech about unity just beats you over the head with the movie’s message. I get the comparison, but being part of a school is not the same thing as being a part of a community or kingdom. The second you graduate, you stop caring about your high school. School pride is not the same thing as nationalism

So just to be clear: girl messes up using a copier = comedy gold. Group sings a frankly embarrassing song to the entire lunchroom = best thing ever, let’s vote for her. In real life, the principal would have just walked in and suspended all of them

Why on earth would they manually doctor the photos? It would be so much work to cut those things out. Is there no photoshop equivalent in this world? Why leave a paper trail? But, on the plus side, here is an actual dilemma! Twilight has to figure out another- Oh wait no, let’s resolve that instantly by having Blue Hair McThiscouldhavebeenliterallyanyone find the photos. It’s almost as if this scene was pointless.

Don’t flirt in front of the administer! Geez

Oh look, more conflict. Twilight has to get the crown and leave tonight. Maybe that scene did have a point. Some actual stakes, if this changed the plan to get the crown. But it doesn’t. We know they are going to redecorate the gym. This is just slowing down the plot and taking time away from developing the characters

This is a genuinely sweet scene with Spike. It is one of the best scenes in the whole movie, and it brings up a good point: Twilight feels alone because she is the only one who understands the full weight of what getting (or more importantly: possibly losing)  the crown means, in this universe and her home. But she’s not alone because the people who are depending on her will support her and try to help no matter what the outcome is

HOW LONG IS THIRTY MOONS?!?!

Oh Pinkie Pie. You majestic creature

Oh my gosh, an actually appropriate reactions to a talking animal! Wow. Usually a movie like this would just have a character say, “huh, weird” and no one would react

So the conflict is once again resolved quickly. The problem is no more. This was slightly more satisfying because is did require other people to assist in fixing the gym, thereby bringing the divided school together, but it happened in one musical number. When you rush important plot points, they lose significance

Well, Twilight has six hours until she potentially loses her magic crown to the villain and is stuck in this world while Sunset takes over Equestrian, so IT’S TIME FOR A MAKEOVER MOTAGE!

The animals are helping Fluttershy get ready- this is proof she is a Disney Princess!

Ah yes, the formal cowboy hat. A staple of every dance

I don’t know anyone in real life who’s actually taken a limo to a dance

Remember how I said I wasn’t going to talk about Flash again? Well, I lied. His car screams “douche”, but his personality screams nothing at all because ewe know nothing about this character except he plays the guitar. Granted, that’s usually the amount of info we got about the love interest in a late nineties teen flick, but this isn’t one of those. Maybe instead of that soccer scene, they could have provided reasons for me to care about whether Twilight will dance with him. Just saying

The moment you’ve all been waiting for since it was set up in the first act has arrived. I know you were all on the edge of your seat wondering if Twilight would win. 

Suspense is a tricky thing to do well. You need to build up to it without constantly reminding the audience to the point that they no longer care about it. There is a quote by Alfred Hitchcock that I’m not going to put in its entirety, but here’s the link, that basically says you can’t have a big Thing happen with no buildup. We know that something potentially bad could happen if Sunset gets the crown, but the majority of the movie has been about this darn dance. You almost forget just why Twilight wants to win, other than this is a high school movie. When you only leave fifteen minutes for the climax, with little to no build up (do we even know what Sunset can do?) it’s going to be unsatisfying. I might be putting way to much thought into this kids movie. But wait, no I’m not. This show is not one of the time-wasting cartoons of yore. It covers complex subjects and serious topics, so pardon me if I expect more out of them than cliche after cliche

In a rare display of actual villainy, Sunset offers Twilight a way home in exchange for the crown. This leads to one of the few scenes that shows her self-sacrifice: Twilight cares more about the safety of her home and her friends than her own comfort. I question what has Sunset actually accomplished there that’s so bad, but Twilight is acting noble (and I mean that in the most unsarcastic was possible)

And she just steals the crown. And becomes the most hilarious looking demon ever

How has no one pulled out their cell phone and videotaped this yet?

I question how effective the army of easily wounded humans would be against Equestrian, which is full of creatures who have magic, hooves, and stabbing horns, but whatever

What’s this? Could it be… the magic of friendship? Whoever could have guessed?

This magical pony transformation scene will really come back to haunt me (but at least no one said pony up)

If I’m being fair, this is basically what happened at the end of Friendship is Magic, part 2

So no one’s going to question what just happened? Has the internet desensitized them that much? Don’t act like you know what’s going on Celestia! And How are they going to explain the destroyed property to the insurance company?

Well, the evil has been defeated so it’s time for Twilight to go through the portal and return home. But not without a quick dance first

This scene is cute, I guess. And it is canon that Twilight can’t dance in horse form either

What was their backup plan if Twilight failed? Just wait around there?

Oh good, Twilight has the adventure of a lifetime so let’s end the movie on a really important note: talking about a boy. There’s your moral.

I know I nitpicked a lot (and overused ��in real life”) but I do enjoy Equestria Girls. The first time I watched this movie, I was significantly more harsh than I should have been. It’s cute and mostly harmless, with some genuinely funny scenes. Despite the many many plot holes, it is an alright beginning to the series and most of the issues I took with this get resolved in later movies. The antagonist might me mostly absent and doesn’t play a huge role until the last fifteen minutes, but It’s worth sitting through this nonsense to see Sunset’s redemption arc. I don’t know how this would be as a standalone TV show, but there is a line of comics based on it that you can check out.  3.2/5 You know, for a universe that has a character named Cranky Doodle Donkey, Flash Sentry is still the worst name I have seen for a fictional character (and until I rewatched for this review, I thought his name was Flash Century). Here are some unused zingers I had for him: Flash Sentry sounds like a boy band from the early 2000s Flash Sentry sounds like a Flash Gordon fan fiction title Flash Sentry sounds like the name of a bankrupt film company Flash Sentry sounds like a character from Zoolander Flash Sentry sounds like a villain from Rocky IV Flash Sentry sounds like the name of a Fallout Boy song Flash Sentry sounds like the name of a horse that’s predicted to win the Triple Crown but trips during the Belmont … oh, I guess that joke’s not so funny when he’s actually a horse. But enough about me, what did you think? Were there too many scenes of Twilight not understanding the new world, or did those make the movie? Did Trixie have the best line in the entire movie? Will I get the sequel recap up in a timely manner?