#the whole fucking attic is a triangle

[mateusbolado]

some more deleted scenes of them. "look who is back! my old partner!"

then bill just... holding ford in order to calm down damn pack it up buddy

also i know people talk a lot about obsession on bills part but ford was also obsessed OBSESSED alright

[jupiterliketheplanet]

“Were… were your parents part of any secret organizations that you know of?” This got Tim’s attention. To be completely honest, there was probably a whole list of things he didn’t know about his parents. They were gone the majority of the year while they were still alive, and they weren’t exactly running to tell him about everything they were doing abroad in the short periods that they actually were back in Gotham.

“What do you mean?” Duke had a confused look on his face and slid over the envelope he was holding. When Tim picked it up, he immediately noticed a familiar symbol stamped onto the front. A symbol that he had never expected to find on a Tuesday afternoon in his parent's attic. A symbol that, up until that moment, he wasn’t sure was actually real.

The fucking Illuminati triangle was staring back at him.

Tim slowly lifted his head to look at Duke, a perplexed look on his face.

“Holy shit.”

“Holy shit.” Duke agreed.

(or; Tim joins the Illuminati just to prove that it's real)

[lemon-limeey]

Tim and Duke vs. The Illuminati By jupiterliketheplanet

“Were… were your parents part of any secret organizations that you know of?” This got Tim’s attention. To be completely honest, there was probably a whole list of things he didn’t know about his parents. They were gone the majority of the year while they were still alive, and they weren’t exactly running to tell him about everything they were doing abroad in the short periods that they actually were back in Gotham.

“What do you mean?” Duke had a confused look on his face and slid over the envelope he was holding. When Tim picked it up, he immediately noticed a familiar symbol stamped onto the front. A symbol that he had never expected to find on a Tuesday afternoon in his parent's attic. A symbol that, up until that moment, he wasn’t sure was actually real.

The fucking Illuminati triangle was staring back at him.

Tim slowly lifted his head to look at Duke, a perplexed look on his face.

“Holy shit.”

“Holy shit.” Duke agreed.

(or; Tim joins the Illuminati just to prove that it's real)

Words: 6,241, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English, Fandoms: Batman, Centric: Tim Drake centric & Duke Thomas centric

Resume: Tim gets benched and isn't allowed to do any work at all, he finds the Illuminati symbol on a letter to his deceased parents, and with the help of Duke, he wants to know about it and find out if it's real. Bruce is non too impressed once he finds out.

Review: Really good, short read but funny, will reccomend if you're going for something short and light hearted.

[karinyosa]

Gene and Brinker, good sir?

AHHH okay okay

what made you ship it?

reading the book lol. ok so i feel like there's a lot of context i need to explain for this beyond just the book's subtext bc there's a bit of personal lore here. before teaching us the book, my middle school english teacher introduced each of the central four characters with this powerpoint with a slide on each one, and the way she described them like archetypically and physically made it sound almost like (to MY middle school brain) a dating sim, in which gene was the main character. like the blurb already sounds very romance novelesque so jdkshfkh. ig it wasn't too big a leap. so we already have a baseline there.

i also think that in the book brinker and gene are a secondary and competing rivarly/friendship to gene and finny's rivarly/friendship, and i think that's where the tension between brinker and gene and brinker and finny comes from. in fact this is kind of just text, like brinker and finny i think are pretty explicitly competing for gene's attention. i'm pretty sure there are some like old asp posts from the earlier 2010s era of the fandom where people are like "brinker and gene/finny have such ex energy", but iirc it was more often finny? like i'm definitely not the only person to see this Thing brinker has going on with gene, but at the time i'm p sure brinkerfinny was the more widespread take. anyway. brinker pursues gene so relentlessly both as an antagonist and as a guy who just Needs to be doing things with him, Needs to be occupying his time and attention. and yet they maintain this weird friendship/understanding throughout. to me this was most pronounced with the whole enlistment thing, and that dynamic where gene had to choose between finny and brinker for the enlistment/not enlistment??? it just gave very love triangle energy. the intensity with which brinker is fixated on gene is like. it gives repressed queer guy with problems. it's beyond wanting to antagonize him, he just is constantly coming up with excuses to be around him and to orient his focus around the pursuit of this one guy. his need to be morally superior to the object of his pursuit feels very queercoded to me. it's a very funny contrast to other parts of the book where he and gene are seemingly chill and normal friends? boy has issues

2. what are your favorite things about the ship?

HOOOOOO okay i have a long answer for this because it has to do with how i accidentally made myself insane about them. so i have this really long winded headcanon-turned-sequel fic in my Brain and Mind about gene and brinker moving in together after the war for kind of money reasons and kind of personal reasons. gene has been depression camping in finny's family's attic for a long undefined amount of time, and brinker is like hey you need to get the fuck out of there come live with me idiot. cue several years later and this is where the fic starts. i usually have it start at the time that gene would've gone back to visit devon, because i like the idea of that whole thing happening during a hs reunion in devon town, in which he and brinker joint travel and stay with his family which is its own whole awkwardness but anyway. <- culmination of everything i've ever thought about them since eighth grade

most of my genebrinker thoughts center around this period of adulthood where they're not young anymore but they're not old either, and they have all this unresolved tension and shared trauma and resentment that spills over into their "present" relationship. i think this is where genebrinker would theoretically "actually" start, in adulthood. i think there could've been ambiguous things earlier, especially during their joint enlistment period if they happened to be together, but nothing very deliberate or openly acknowledged until much later. it's this delicious mix of both having an established very domestic and familiar dynamic, knowing this person's routines and habits inside out, and yet having this pent up unspoken something. and for gene and brinker, it's not just this quiet tenderness, although i think that's bound to happen sometimes when you're essentially apartment husbands. i think they'd blow up at each other and let things slip during heated moments that they don't mean to, mostly on brinker's side, bc i think brinker's been nursing some kind of crush since hs, whereas if gene returned brinker's feelings, i think they'd slowly build over time. their familiarity with each other is also very interesting because, while they have this odd like, daddy issues(?) solidarity in the book that again feels very queer, in adulthood, it's also this thing of like, they kind of shared the murder of one of their closest friends. my fav think about genebrinker is that they know the worst of each other, that they actively participated in some of the worst parts of each other's lives, but it's that coupled with like, arguing over dinner and visiting the parents and trying to hold down stable jobs. or i guess for something more connected to the actual book, that coupled with like, accompanying your friend to an awkward meeting with his dad

this is not even all the things i think about their dynamic or all the like underlying sources of tension in their adult relationship in my head, i also think they'd be in very different places in terms of sexuality, and that would come to a head at some point, but i'll stop here because this is a question about my favorite THING, not explain every thought you've ever had about them

3. is there an unpopular opinion you have about your ship?

i think the entire ship is an unpopular opinion lmfao. like 90% of this is my headcanons. ummm i have brinker being the more responsible of the two when i write them as adults, if still the more temperamental one, so that might be controversial? i think at this stage of their lives, he's more practical and better at home ec stuff, and gene cannot fucking take care of himself for the life of him. gene is running himself into the ground while brinker is like get your fucking socks off my floor

[ao3feed-brucewayne]

Tim and Duke vs. The Illuminati

by jupiterliketheplanet “Were… were your parents part of any secret organizations that you know of?” This got Tim’s attention. To be completely honest, there was probably a whole list of things he didn’t know about his parents. They were gone the majority of the year while they were still alive, and they weren’t exactly running to tell him about everything they were doing abroad in the short periods that they actually were back in Gotham. “What do you mean?” Duke had a confused look on his face and slid over the envelope he was holding. When Tim picked it up, he immediately noticed a familiar symbol stamped onto the front. A symbol that he had never expected to find on a Tuesday afternoon in his parent's attic. A symbol that, up until that moment, he wasn’t sure was actually real. The fucking Illuminati triangle was staring back at him. Tim slowly lifted his head to look at Duke, a perplexed look on his face. “Holy shit.” “Holy shit.” Duke agreed. (or; Tim joins the Illuminati just to prove that it's real) Words: 6237, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English Fandoms: DCU, DCU (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman (Comics) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Categories: Gen Characters: Duke Thomas, Tim Drake, Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Stephanie Brown Relationships: Tim Drake & Duke Thomas Additional Tags: Chaotic Tim Drake, Chaotic Duke Thomas, Feral Tim Drake, Duke Thomas Being a Little Shit, Tim Drake Being a Little Shit (DCU), The illuminati - Freeform, tim drake is a moron, and joins the illuminati, just to prove that it's real, duke encourages him, Bruce Wayne is So Done, Crack, Comedy, Batfamily (DCU), Batfamily Shenanigans (DCU) via https://ift.tt/6130hHP

[nighttimeebony]

Reactions to The Last Olympian. Spoilers under the cut. And warning: long-ass post ahead.

EDIT: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4

Yay, Rachel’s back! I like that Percy is able to have a mortal friend.

Paul is cool.

Look, I love Rachel, but why does there have to be a goddamn love triangle? Percy likes Annabeth, Annabeth likes Percy, you’ve already put the work into making me like them and we all know they’re going to be endgame, so why does there have to be so much fucking romantic drama? Can’t Percy and Rachel just be friends without the weird romantic tension? This whole plot is busy enough on its own without you trying to shove something else in at the last minute just because you’re bored, RICK.

Wow, Percy really doesn’t get to have any downtime, does he? My boy’s really on “save the world o’clock” time at all times.

Yay, Beckendorf! I love you!

OH MY GOD AND HE’S ACTUALLY DATING SILENA???!!!! Oh, that makes me so happy!! I love that my little background crackship is actually canon! And the fact that they were apparently Camp Half-Blood’s “yeah, we know” ship is hilarious and I love life right now.

Ooh, bombs.

Wait. No. No no no no no no no stop

FUCKING STOP, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!

WHY?!?!? WHY DID BECKENDORF HAVE TO DIE?!? RICK!!! WHY??!!! WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME

I can’t even be happy that Tyson is here, I’m already so fucking depressed and it’s your fault, Rick.

Oh, hey, Triton. Which, fun fact, since Triton is Ariel’s father in the Disney movie, this means that (in the Disney canon at least) Hercules and Ariel are canonically cousins. So, hypothetically speaking, Percy would be related to the Disney princess Ariel, which you can’t convince me he doesn’t brag and joke about all the time.

“[Poseidon] had told me that I would know when to ‘spend [the sand dollar],’ but so far I hadn’t figured out what he meant. All I knew was that it didn’t fit the vending machines in the school cafeteria.” I love that the implication behind this is that Percy actually tried. He took this mysterious magic sand dollar that the god of the sea gave him and told him to spend wisely and wait for the right time to use it, and one day while he was at school, this fucking mad lad child decided to just cram it in the vending machine just to see what would happen. Percy is amazing and if you don’t love him, you’re wrong.

“Annabeth ran in right behind him, and I’ll admit my heart did a little relay race in my chest when I saw her. It’s not that she tried to look good… Still, just seeing her made me feel fuzzy in the head.” Actually screaming.

Clarisse’s friendship with Silena makes me so fucking happy. Clarisse is softer than she wants people to know and I love that about her. She’s so gentle with the people she loves and I’m here for it.

“Chiron and Annabeth exchanged looks, like they knew something that I didn’t. I hated when they did that.” Understandable. It happens a lot.

Oh, I recognize the name Chrysaor. Such a random reference, I love it.

JUST ADMIT YOU LIKE EACH OTHER YOU FRUITCAKES

“We headed downstairs to join the others. I didn’t know it then, but it would be the last time I ever visited the attic.” You know, Percy says something along these lines in every one of the books leading up to this one, and you’d think that I would learn to stop freaking out every time we get one of these lines, but you’d be wrong. Still getting anticipatory nausea and anxiety.

"The mountain tore itself apart, collapsing inward, and an enormous form rose out of the smoke and lava like it was emerging from a manhole." Typhon?!?!?! Do we have to deal with Typhon now too?!

Well shit, I guess we have to deal with Typhon now. Yeah, okay, sure, I don’t mind or anything.

“As far as I could tell, Rachel’s only rule about music was that no two songs on her i-Pod could sound the same, and they all had to be strange.” Hey, Rachel and I have the same music library.

Wait, so Rachel’s getting future vision dreams now too? But she’s not a half-blood, right? I thought only demi-gods got prophetic dreams.

Where the hell is Nico? What has he been doing this whole time? Just chilling in hell with dead people? And what even is his plan and why is it bad?

I think Silena is my new favorite character. Eating chocolates she doesn’t even like to try and cheer herself up is so horribly sad and depressingly relatable.

Percabeth!

“I shuffled uneasily and pretended to go through some more reports. Technically, even on inspection, it was against the rules for two campers to be… like, alone in a cabin.” I see what you’re implying, Rick, and I’m laughing.

“And I know some of you might be thinking, Aren’t all demigods related on the godly side, and doesn’t that make dating gross? But the thing is, the godly side of your family doesn’t count, genetically speaking, since gods don’t have DNA. A demigod would never think about dating someone who had the same godly parent. Like two kids from Athena cabin? No way. But a daughter of Aphrodite and a son of Hephaestus? They’re not related. So it’s no problem.” This is exactly how I predicted half-blood dating works, and it absolutely did not need to be addressed, but I kind of love that it was. It’s probably only funny to me because I was talking to my friend about this exact topic during school, and I made a “god incest chart” on a whiteboard so I could figure out if Percabeth would be considered incest. We eventually decided no, but still. My other non-pjo fanatic friends definitely started to question my sanity after that.

OH MY GOD! Is something gonna happen?! Are they finally going to confess?! Please, God, just give me this!

FUCKING GODDAMMIT, RICK!!! YOU CAN’T KEEP BLUE-BALLING ME LIKE THIS OR I’M GONNA RIP YOUR HAIR OUT

Oh, yeah, where the hell is Grover?

Wow, Annabeth really going for the throat here.

Aww, giant hell puppy

Nico!

Aww, of course Nico is sweet with the hell puppy

“Leneus’s knees started knocking. ‘I… I won’t answer questions with this hellhound sniffing my tail!’ Nico looked like he was trying not to crack up. ‘I’ll walk the dog,’ he volunteered. He whistled, and Mrs. O’Leary bounded after him to the far end of the grove.” I love this child. This child is my spirit animal.

Aww, Nico likes Juniper. That’s kind of adorable.

“[Nico’s] cold creepy smile made me sorry I’d agreed.” Have I mentioned I love this child?

Okay, shadow travel is the coolest thing ever, and definitely one of the coolest powers you could give to a child of Hades.

Everything with Luke’s mom… Oh, that’s horrible. I can’t imagine having to come to the realization that your own parent isn’t entirely there, especially at so young.

Little girl… not a monster… and something to do with fire… Shit, I got nothing.

HESTIA! Goddammit… I should’ve known that one.

I like that Percy refers to both Paul and Sally as his parents.

I really like Paul. I love it when step-parents are portrayed in a positive light, ‘cause I’ve got a step-dad too, and he’s more of a dad to me and my brother than my biological father.

Percy telling Sally that his signal to let her know he’s alright will be blue just about broke me. Fuck.

Orpheus!

The black figure Grover saw—I know him. Hypnos, the god of dreams. He’s a twin brother to Thanatos, the god of death. I think in some versions, Hypnos is actually female, but most people seem to agree that Hypnos is a male deity.

MOTHERFUCKER! Okay, so not Hypnos. Morpheus. I guess that makes more sense. *one google search later* Okay, I was kind of right. Morpheus is the son of Hypnos, and while Hypnos is the personification of sleep, Morpheus is the god of dreams and also has the ability to put people to sleep like Hypnos. Close, but no cigar sadly.

Nico! Why would you trick Percy?? If you just told Percy that Hades wanted to talk to him, he probably would’ve agreed, you didn’t have to lie to him.

PERSEPHONE!!!!!! And Demeter!

Demeter being a massive bitch about Persephone choosing to marry Hades is so on-brand and perfect. And that line about marrying the god of lawyers or doctors—oh my God this book is amazing.

Can we have an entire book about Hades and Persephone, please? This entire scene with all three of them is golden.

Why does Hades suck? Why did you do this to me? I had faith in you, Rick.

WHY IS PERSEPHONE SO INDIFFERENT TO ALL OF THIS?!?!??!!

ACHILLES!!!!! Wait, isn’t Achilles supposed to be blond?

Is it a coincidence that one of Greece’s most famous gay icons now stands before Nico di Angelo?

ANNABETH IS PERCY’S LIFELINE!!!! HIS TETHER, THE THING THAT KEEPS HIM HUMAN!!!!!! ToT DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY GLASS I CAN EAT

Holy fucking shit…… River Styx magic doesn’t fuck around.

Percy going on a murder rampage and nearly stabbing the god of the underworld because they threatened his dog is honestly such a mood.

*GASP* Baby Annabeth!

“The god looked at Annabeth, who was doing her big-pleading-gray-eyes thing.” The fact that Annabeth leverages puppy-dog eyes is hilarious, and the fact that Percy is so familiar with it by now implies that she’s done it on him before and that it apparently works! Oh my God, I love these children.

Also, Athena being an overprotective mother who doesn’t approve of Percy is just… Have I mentioned I love this book?

“‘This is a huge spell,’ Silena Beauregard said. ‘The bigger the spell, the easier it is to resist. If you want to sleep millions of mortals, you’ve got to cast a very thin layer of magic. Sleeping demigods is much harder.’” Yeah, that makes sense. Since the spell is bigger and spread across a greater number of people, it’s less concentrated than it would be if you wanted to just knock out two or three people.

The Hermes Cabin is just an army of Weasleys. (PJO Harry Potter au where the Weasleys are all children of Hermes and Harry is a son of Zeus when?)

“‘I’ll go with Percy,’ [Annabeth] said. ‘Then we’ll join you, or we’ll go wherever we’re needed.’ Somebody in the back of the group said, ‘No detours, you two.’ There were some giggles, but I decided to let it pass.” Everyone knows Percy and Annabeth are completely obsessed with each other.

“The girl in the lead had spiky black hair and a black leather jacket. She wore a silver circlet on her head like a princess’s tiara, which didn’t match her skull earrings or her Death to Barbie T-shirt showing a little Barbie doll with an arrow through its head.” Have I mentioned that I love Thalia? Goth-punk icon for the generations.

This is so fucking epic. I love the fast-paced battle planning stuff.

Michael Yew has a brother named Austin. I have a brother named Austin.

Percabeth. There’s that light-hearted snarky banter I’ve been craving.

Oh, yeah, since Percy’s fighting the Minotaur right now, I figured I’d make a reminder here that I forgot to write down in my first reaction post to the Lightning Thief. In the original mythology, the Minotaur was killed by Theseus, who was also, coincidentally, a son of Poseidon, so Percy slaying the Minotaur is kind of like a mirror to the original myth, even though he’s named after Perseus. But also I thought this was a good time to remind everybody that the Minotaur’s mother Pasiphae had sex with the Cretan Bull, an actual animal. Which, fun fact, is because Poseidon arranged for Aphrodite to put a spell on Pasiphae to make her fall in love with the bull. Kind of awkward that the Minotaur is technically Poseidon’s fault, and now Percy is the one that has to deal with the consequences.

“Tied around the base of each blade were lots of bead necklaces. I realized they were Camp Half-Blood beads—necklaces taken from defeated demigods.” Holy shit, that is dark. We’re really going there, huh, Rick?

Percy is a first-class badass.

Having all the monsters disintegrate when they die is a pretty clever way to avoid having to show actual blood and gore.

ANNABETH!!!!!!!!!!

“‘Percy?’ Silena Beauregard sounded like she’d been crying. ‘Plaza Hotel. You’d better come quickly and bring a healer from Apollo’s cabin. It’s… it’s Annabeth.’” NO!!! NO NO NO NO NO NO DO NOT DO THIS TO ME!! I SWEAR TO FUCK IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO ANNABETH I’M GOING TO SET MY HOUSE ON FIRE

“‘Get back!’ I slashed the air in a wide arc, driving the rest of the demigods away from Annabeth. ‘No one touches her!’” This. All of this.

Will Solace. I found the other gay one, but I can’t even be excited about that because ANNABETH IS PROBABLY GOING TO FUCKING DIE

Even when Annabeth has actual poison in her system, she cannot resist the opportunity to tease Percy for being worried about her. I’m deeply upset, but I still love them as a couple.

This entire scene is everything. Annabeth touching Percy’s weak spot—this is easily the most romantic thing I have ever read, and I read fanfiction for a hobby.

Okay, someone really needs to find this spy because they are wreaking shit and hard

I have no idea who the spy could even be. My first thought was Silena because of how prominent a character she is, but not only does that not make sense, but that would also be a fucking horrible idea. I don’t need to hurt anymore than I already do right now.

Wow. Holy shit, Nico’s life is a fucking tragedy. This child needs all the therapy after this. I’m not thrilled with this portrayal of Persephone, but it is what it is and it is fucking depressing.

What is going on with Rachel? She knows Greek now?? What is happening???

Oh, hey, Prometheus

*after learning about Luke's backstory* I can smell the redemption arc.

I feel I should mention that in the original myth, Pandora was the first woman and was created by Zeus specifically to make men's lives harder as punishment for Prometheus giving man fire, because Ancient Greece was sexist as all fuck.

HOLY SHIT!!! Percy is a first-class badass!!

Okay, so, Hyperion getting absorbed into a tree is prime nightmare fuel.

(Also, I was listening to We Will Rock You as I read this scene, which I feel is pretty apt.)

"'Yeah, baby!' a voice wailed. 'PARTY!'" Ah, I see the centaurs have joined the chat.

"The last part was because a panicked Hyperborean giant stumbled backward and sat on top of him. The lord of time disappeared under a giant blue butt." Only in Percy Jackson can you expect to read a sentence like this.

I love Dionysus being weirdly invested in Pac-Man of all things. That entire conversation between him and Percy in the bar was absolutely hysterical. Percy is such a snarky little shit and I love any interaction between him and Dionysus. It’s like watching two smart-asses trying to out-roast the other.

Sally and Paul!

Oh, no. Oh, this fucking hurts.

That fucking jar! Goddammit!

Rachel!

Annabeth, stop acting like Rachel isn’t already your friend now too. We established that last book, remember? You guys are nerd friends now.

YAS, ANNABETH! Girl held onto the outside of a crashing helicopter, and after pulling herself in, somehow managed to make sense of the controls and not only stopped the helicopter from crashing into a building, but also pulled it out of the fall to turn in a circle and hover before landing it on a New York highway with other people nearby without hitting anything or hurting anyone else. And she did all of this while the helicopter was literally seconds from crashing. Also also, technically only hours after she was stabbed in the shoulder with a knife coated in poison. *slow clap* BAMF Annabeth Chase, everyone.

“Rachel plopped down on the curb and put her head in her hands. ‘I’m sorry, Percy. I didn’t mean to… I always mess things up.’ It was kind of hard to argue with her, though I was glad she was safe.” Jesus Christ, Percy. Annabeth’s abandonment issues and poor socialization skills are not Rachel’s fault. But I guess she did just fly headfirst into a literal warzone, so I guess Annabeth’s reaction is a bit more understandable.

“I looked in the direction Annabeth had gone, but she’d disappeared into the crowd. I couldn’t believe what she’d just done—saved Rachel’s life, landed a helicopter, and walked away like it was no big deal.” Yup. You picked a good one, Percy.

"'Everybody keeps telling me to sleep,' I grumbled. 'I don't need sleep.' Chiron managed a smile. 'Have you looked at yourself recently, Percy?'" Yeah, for real, when's the last time any of these kids slept?

"You can't just abandon your family because they did something horrible." Um. Yes. Yes, you absolutely can. The abuse victim says you can. (It's me, I'm the abuse victims, and I give you full permission to tell your family to go fuck themselves if they've ever done anything horrible to you.)

I get what the message is intended to be, and what Nico's trying to say: wanting revenge is a valid feeling to have, but holding grudges and holding onto that pain and fury will not actually make you feel any better. And by refusing to help the Olympians in the fight against Kronos, not only is Hades ultimately destroying himself, but he's also inadvertently aiding in the destruction of everyone else. Zeus is really the only one that deserves Hades's revenge, but at this point Hades isn't just hurting Zeus, he's hurting everyone, and when you cross the line of hurting innocent people in your quest to hurt the one that's actually guilty, your desire and quest for revenge is no longer justified. And if you've reached the point of hurting innocent people for no other reason than to make yourself feel better, then you really are no better than the person who hurt you in the first place. But none of this has anything to do with the so-called sanctity of "family".

We really need to find this fucking spy. They're running everything.

CLARISSE!!!!! YAY CLARISSE IS BACK!!!!!!

"Through her war helmet, I could only see her eyes—but I could tell something was wrong. Her blue eyes shone with fear. Clarisse never looked like that. And she didn't have blue eyes." Wait, what? What's going on????

"I looked down at the dying face of Silena Beauregard." WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!!????!!! WHY?!!??!!!??? WHY DID SILENA HAVE TO DIE?!??!! HAS SHE NOT BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH ALREADY?!??!!!

"Silena opened her hand. In her palm was a silver bracelet with a scythe charm, the mark of Kronos." WHAT

This entire chapter is literally nothing but pain.

"Standing at the foot of Zeus's throne, looking up at the stars, was Rachel Elizabeth Dare. She was holding a Greek ceramic vase." Oh no.

"[Rachel] focused on me as if she were coming out of a dream. 'I found it. It's Pandora's jar, isn't it?'" OH NO

"Her eyes were brighter than usual, and I had a bad flashback of moldy sandwiches and burned cookies." OH FUCK

"I picked up Pandora's jar. The spirit of Hope fluttered inside, trying to warm the cold container. 'Hestia,' I said, 'I give this to you as an offering.' The goddess tilted her head. 'I am the least of the gods. Why would you trust me with this?' 'You're the last Olympian,' I said." Title drop! It's all coming together!

This is the hypest thing I have read in years.

Chiron! Please don't die, I am literally begging you.

NICO'S BACK!

Everyone here is a fucking badass

Paul just stabbed a monster with a sword, and Sally fucking shot another one! In stories like these with divine powers and weapons that begin and end with stabbing, you are not expecting someone to just pull out a fucking gun and shoot the thing. I love this book.

"'Thalia!' Grover cried. When the dust cleared and the mountain stopped rocking, we found her still alive, but her legs were pinned under the statue." Holy fucking shit!

"Annabeth wipes her tears away. 'There was a time I thought… well, I thought…' She looked at me, like she was drinking in the fact that I was still here. And I realized I was doing the same thing. The world was collapsing, and the only thing that really mattered to me was that she was alive." Love. Just love. It's beautiful and heartbreaking and I love these kids so much and I'm so glad they found each other.

"I turned and faced the Olympians. 'We need a shroud,' I announced, my voice cracking. 'A shroud for the son of Hermes.'" I mean…… What can I even say?

Percy's wish is everything.

OKAY, WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO RACHEL?!??! Someone really needs to do something about this!

I love that Percy refers to Blackjack as his pegasus.

RAINBOW! <3

Oh! She has the gift of prophecy! Now that makes sense!

Wait. OH, FUCK!!

Okay, I'm glad Rachel is okay, but these fucking prophecies, man! We literally just got done with the Great Prophecy, but now there's another one we have to deal with?! Don't get me wrong, I'm still gonna read it and I'll probably love it, but still!

The moment when Percy and Annabeth finally get together is everything I ever hoped for, and it completely justifies every goddamn fake-out leading up to this point. I'm just so happy right now

That ending, man..... This book series is amazing. I'm so glad I was able to fall in love with it without knowing any significant spoilers. I cannot wait to read The Heroes of Olympus. Maybe I'll do a reaction series for that too.

[footballshowrot]

season 3 ted lasso, just pissing some thoughts after watching the finale. talkin about things they fumbled unbelievably hardcore this season jsyk.

- the unrelenting force of forgiveness and tying everything up with a pretty bow extending to both the sam's restaurant being destroyed storyline and the james tarttt sr storyline. just wooooooof... Terrible. sam and jamie i'm literally gonna get u out of there.......

- keeley's plot this season was So disappointing. she used to be a driving force and here she felt like an afterthought, and i don't know if it was because KJPR was separate from the club, but she was just so disconnected. they dropped shandy, they dropped jack, hard. thank god for barbara because i liked a lot of her and keeley's scenes [snow globe :)]. and then in the finale relegated keeley to role of object of affection for jamie and roy to fight over👍awesome😐 love triangle plotlines suck ass majority of the time, and maybe jamie and roy in the finale could have been played funny for me [sorry to royjamie brain it for a sec, but they alone still are. intricate rituals and all that. that ripped shirt, bloody nose combo etc etc lmaoooo] but because the show has continually fucked keeley over this season it leaves a bit of a bitter taste. her kicking them out her house like yesssss literally. get their asses outta here. idk, romantic relationships aside, it just felt shit that for keeley's last episode she didn't even get to reap any positives of the platonic relationships she has with roy or jamie. [at least we have rebecca. society if keeley kissed rebecca in the finale] lol not really but u knooow. just after the shoddy love bombing plotline with jack, and the way her relationship with jack concluded and this in the finale, i hope she stays single for a while, and i think the show settled on that at least which okay.👍 she's literally keeley fuckin jones waaaaoough....

- the fucking locker room information PSA's........ maaaan i Know the show is cheesy feelgood tv but season 1 was not just morality lesson central with characters talking like npcs delivering do good greeting card messages one after another.

- ted's marriage plotline was dogshit 👍 just yaaaaaaawns all round idk. rewatching scenes from season 1 and bein like? this dude used to make me chuckle! what happened..... thank god they didn't fumble the bag on sending him back to kansas to be with henry. [henry having the same strip number as jamie was a nice touch]. i just wonder that if this season had some more jamie ted scenes [that weren't him telling jamie to forgive his father 😐] that it might have strengthened that ache to get back to his son even more, as opposed to reopening a perfectly concluded plotline with michelle because oh no....she's... dating?

- naaaaaaaate. my guy nate waaaaaaahh. they sidelined you so fucking hard. did not know what to make of nate's plot this season with jade. i think they had sweet scenes together but concerning the actual footie of the show [the football show in question] they made nate a fucking afterthought too. some episodes it was like and uhhhh... yeah... quickly !! show the west ham building and get a reaction shot from nate!! we forgot we set him up at the end of season 2 as an antagonistic force for richmond to go against. like come onnn man. think that international break was nate's strongest episode outta the whole season, what with his depression slump, attic rummaging, family photo album reminiscing, violin playing, father reconciliation, will apology with lavender, just a really solid nate episode all round. its just sad it came so late in the season.

yeah that's the main thoughts spinning right now i guess lol. BOSH.

[hopeaterart]

Oh. Whoops. Sorry ^^;

Let’s see, uh…April and Casey?

April

Has an Intrepid Reporter streak, and repeatdly puts herself in danger to get to a 'scoop' despite knowing full well that she's not a good fighter. Seriously, the only thing stopping her from being a borderline paparazzi are her ethics (and Lotus).

Often fails to communicate with people. Her not simply asking her dad if she's a drawing brought to life comes to mind, but there's other instances (ex: the whole Love Triangle To Polyamory thing)

Once woke in in the attic of a house she didn't remember coming in, in which people that essentially kidnapped her brought her lived in, and her biggest worry was that her essentially kidnappers were green and bald. She then proceeded to hide in their house for a month with no further question.

Casey

His soxial anxiety fucks him up so bad. He's constantly afraid that fucking something up will result in everyone hating him. It's actually kind of sad, but still counts.

Him having a vigilante persona when out beating gangsters can be excused, and is actually kind of smart! Harder to identify him. The way he fully indulges in the fantasy of being a vigilante, less so.

Also once got kidnapped by tiny green bald people and was more concerned about them being green and bald than being kidnapped. Unlike April, he then proceeded to convince them to help him beat up his boss.

Also has communication issues (entirety of the Love Triangle To Polyamory thing can be reffered to here.)

Honorary mention: joined a gang. He and his family are very poor and he was trying to make money quickly, so it'll be excused.

[yikesharringrove]

I don’t think the duffers know what their fans like/want 🤦‍♀️ like at all?? They gave us one and a half canon gay main characters (robin & will), Vickie got no screen time with Robin, and Will didn’t come out to Jonathan or his bff Mike. They shoved Eddie down our throats on social media and made him a fan fav for most, but then killed him off. Also the whole Nancy love triangle with Jonathan and Steve was such a bad look for Nancy. Like crawl forward Steve!!!

Those are just some of the stuff I can think of in my sleep deprived state, but just so many things I feel fans wanted to see and didn’t happen. The only fan service this season was seeing Steve’s chest hair.

Honestly I think the dear billy speech was for people that gave a fuck about billy, and the other one was for the antis. They tried to please everyone and in doing so they cross-canceled each other. Like that speech abt how max used to want him to die LITERALLY makes everything she said at his grave completely moot.

I also really think that Dustin talking to Wayne at the end was meant to be a little nod to the people that gave a fuck about billy but his death was so fucking stupid and shoehorned in that it’s like. Bro.

The highs of this season were will sobbing in the van and Lucas clutching Max’s body in the attic like.

I’m SO GLAD they didn’t fully commit to Steve/Nancy but having said that, why even trade it in the fucking first place?

Having robin see Vickie with a boyfriend felt super weird too, like, robin is NOT thinking abt her crush rn they’re buying weapons to fight Vecna. That felt pointless.

I really think will should’ve come out to Jonathan. I love that they are CLEARLY going for gay will, there’s no possible other place they could go after all that, but having him come out to Jonathan would’ve been really powerful, I think.

And don’t even get me started on the worlds most pathetic death they gave eddie. DONT INTRODUCE CHARACTERS JUST TO KILL THEM

[vargrblr]

The Pact

Prologue

It became clear, after the Pines twins’ second summer in Gravity Falls, that Dipper still harbored feelings for his best friend, Wendy Corduroy. Feelings she was unsure about, and that sometimes made things awkward between the two of them. Finally, the night of Dipper and Mabel’s fourteenth birthday party, she invited him up onto the Mystery Shack roof so they could talk in private. Dipper stared at her, wide-eyed, as she laid out the following proposal:

“Tell you what, dude. If you still have this crush on me or whatever by the time you turn eighteen, as long as I’m not currently seeing someone, I’ll date you. Well, one date. If the date goes well, we can see where it goes from there. But this crush thing—we don’t talk about it until then—when you’re eighteen. Deal?”

Dipper swallowed. It might be his only chance to ever go on a date with Wendy. One date. Heh. No pressure, future me, he thought.

Dipper nodded, and held his hand out to shake on it. “Deal.”

Four Years Later

“Happy birthday, dork!”

Dipper sat up in bed and blinked blearily. “What? Mabel?”

“Pfft. I should think not.”

“Wendy?!”

“Dude, I didn’t realize your eyesight was this bad. Go put your contacts in. I’ll wait.”

Dipper grunted and sat up, throwing his blankets aside. He momentarily considered being embarrassed that he was only wearing boxers, but he was too groggy to give much of a fuck.

Once he’d visited the bathroom to put his eyes in, he shuffled back to his and Mabel’s attic bedroom, and noticed the obvious lack of Mabel.

“Where’s my sister?”

Wendy shook her head, and tossed a pair of jeans at Dipper’s head. “Seriously, you’re useless right when you wake up. She stayed the night with her boy-crazy besties, remember?”

Dipper tried to step into the jeans and nearly fell over. Wendy caught him by the arm and steadied him until he was fully pantsed.

“Thanks,” Dipper said, with a nod. “For not letting me fall, I mean. Not for the whole ‘useless’ comment. Fuck you for that one. What time is it anyway?” He’d looked up at the triangle-shaped attic window, and realized the stars were still out.

Wendy chuckled. “It’s like two in the morning.”

Dipper sank back down onto his bed. “What...the fuck, Wendy?!” He peered up at her, looking as perky and rested as if she’d just gotten eight hours of sleep. She was wearing her favorite green flannel over a tank top and jeans, and he was surprised to see that she was also wearing his old blue and white, pine tree emblazoned, trucker cap.

Wendy shrugged. “It’s not every day your favorite person turns eighteen,” she said with a grin. “I just wanted us to get in as much quality time as possible, since you’re leaving tomorrow.”

That realization made Dipper’s stomach drop. He threw himself melodramatically back on the bed and whined, “Why did you have to remind me of that? Senior year is going to suck. Like, so, so much.”

“Why?” Wendy asked, kicking him lightly in the shin. “C’mon, I didn’t wake you up to mope around. We’re going out.”

“Ow,” Dipper muttered, as he stood up. “Because it’s pointless. I’ve already taken enough AP classes and scored high enough on my SATs to be admitted to most of the colleges that I’d want to go to. But I still have to take like two classes that my high school requires before graduation. The rest of my schedule is going to be study halls and electives.” He paused, and added, “Out? Out where?”

Wendy grabbed him by the hand and started pulling him toward the door. “Don’t freak out, it’s nothing social, like a club. This is Gravity Falls, remember? When I say ‘out,’ I mean ‘the woods.’”

“Wait, wait, Wen—shirt?” Dipper said, and pulled his hand from hers so he could quickly rummage through a dresser drawer. After pulling on the t-shirt he grabbed at random, he glanced down at his feet. “And socks and shoes.”

Wendy huffed and crossed her arms in mock impatience. “Geez, Pines. It’s like you’re insisting on being completely clothed.”

Dipper raised an eyebrow at her as he tied his shoes. “Um, that’s like, a thing I commonly do… Wear...clothes. Especially when I’m going out somewhere.”

Wendy grinned and rolled her eyes. “I said that by ‘out’ I meant ‘the woods,’ dude. C’mon.”

“Yeah, well... I also commonly wear clothing into the woods,” Dipper said, standing back up, finally fully clothed and shod. “In fact, not just commonly. Always. I always wear clothes when I go into the woods.”

Wendy cocked her head to the side, her fists planted on her hips. “Whatever, dork. You ready now?”

Dipper nodded. “Yes. Well, no, but… yes?”

Wordlessly, Wendy grabbed his hand and led him out of the Mystery Shack.

[himbo-the-clown]

I know you didnt write the post and while I agree that Anne Frank shouldnt have been talked in the way she is now, how can saying “Gay people were just as much victims as Jews” be antisemitic? LGBT people were rounded up and placed in concentration camps as well. For example, look up the meaning for the pink triangle, it was reserved ranking for gay men in these camps. Even when gay/trans people were liberated, they were placed in jail soon after because it was illegal in those times.

I’m going to try so very very hard to come at this response in a calm way under the assumption that you are trying to learn and aren’t intentionally being rude. It’s a very touchy subject for me given how often Jewish experiences with oppression are erased, so I’m sorry if anything I say comes off as angry or rude. I’m mad at the culture that taught you this misinformation, not at you for asking about it.

I have a few basic points to respond to this with, but first I need you to know that the perspective I’m coming at this from is as a queer Jew with a degree in Gender and Sexuality Studies. I’m gay, I’m Jewish, and I can tell you with 100% certainty that goyische gay people are not allowed to claim the holocaust the way Jewish people are.

1. During the Holocaust

Queer people were killed in the holocaust. They were sent to camps. They were arrested. However... the scale of deaths is incomparable. Here are some of the rough numbers we have for victims of the holocaust:

5,000,000 - 6,000,000 Jews

130,000 - 500,000 Romani

270,000 disabled people

80,000 - 200,000 Freemasons

5,000 - 15,000 gay people

Do you know who the Freemasons are? They’re a fratenal organisation. They’re a fraternity. They were killed because the Nazis claimed they were part of “the Jewish Conspiracy”. Many more Freemasons were killed than gay people, so where’s all your hype for including Freemasons in holocaust history and letting Freemasons claim victimhood in the holocaust? Or, perhaps, do you understand that 15,000 is a very different number than 6,000,000 or 500,000?

2. Intergenerational Trauma

Intergenerational trauma was specifically coined in response to Jewish trauma after the holocaust. Goyische gay people just don’t have that trauma. I have nightmares about digging my own grave, being forced into gas chambers, hiding in attics. The holocaust traumatised me. It’s traumatised my family, my friends, my community. Goyische gay people just don’t fucking have that. If you want a fraction of a glimpse of what that trauma is like, I wrote a poem about it on my writing blog. The holocaust is deeply ingrained in us in a way it just isn’t for goyische gays.

Jews have family we know people personally who were affected by it. Whose grandparents were refugees, whose families died, who were torn apart by it. This is our family history. We are all, in some way or another, related to a survivor or a victim. This isn’t some hypothetical history, this follows us. It defines us.

3. The Present Effects

Here’s the thing that rubbed me the wrong way about your message. The assumption that I don’t know holocaust history. That I don’t know about the pink triangle or any other part of the holocaust. Because you’re coming from a point of immense privilege as a goy. Do you know how young I was when I started learning about the holocaust? So young I don’t even remember it. I’ve known about it for my whole memorable life. As a Jew I’ve had to learn about it inside out, because it’s an ingrained part of my culture and my people now, as sad as that is. We don’t have the privilege of not knowing about the holocaust, of not learning about every single detail of the horrors committed then. Antisemitism has been around for as long as Jews have and if we don’t learn about it all, we’re not safe from the next time goyim decide to try genociding us again. And they always try again.

While Christian kids are off learning about how Santa comes to bring presents to good little children, Jewish kids are taught about how grandma and grandpa had to leave all their things behind and run through the woods of Poland for weeks only to get caught by the Nazis and made to work. And how they were the lucky ones because they lived. We have to learn about Great Aunt Golda starving to death in Gross-Rosen, about Great Uncle Joseph’s body being burned in Bergen-Belsen. Long before most queer people even know what gay means, we’re learning about our families dying. Can you see how that’s different? Can you see how differently it affects us?

The first time I realised being Jewish wasn’t the norm was when a kid told me the holocaust was our punishment for killing Jesus. I was in kindergarten. My first experience of a goy was being told my family deserved to die in the holocaust. I’ve been called Anne Frank, I’ve had people joke about gassing me, I’ve had people try to carve swastikas into me with a knife. And all of that happened long before I even knew what a gay person was let alone that I am one. Jewish and goyische gay experiences of the holocaust are not the same, not even close.

So yes, a gay goy saying that gay people were just as much victims as my people were is antisemitic. Because it shows a fundamental misunderstanding of the Jewish experience of the holocaust, an unwillingness to learn about Jewish oppression, and a complete and utter disregard for the Jewish people and our struggles. Because if you’d spent even a fraction of the time it took you to learn about gay oppression during the holocaust to look into Jewish oppression anywhere and at any time, you would already know that it’s not the same and you wouldn’t have had to put a Jewish person through the emotional labour of having to explain Jewish trauma to you.

Also, minimizing the harm to Jews and Romani people in the holocaust is explicitly an alt-right tactic that goes hand in hand with holocaust denial, so when you try to put us on par with people who were significantly less affected by it than we were, just know that those are the people you’re keeping company with. I don’t think that’s what you’re trying to do, but just be careful because that’s where this line of thinking heads.

[crazy-hand-official]

so

for years @master-hand-official and I have been writing a story together. we started it maybe in high school (or perhaps early college, I forget). it has spanned maybe 10 or so story arcs, and has been included in tons of word documents, power points, excel sheets(!), and gorgeous art that has been featured in art shows. it has gotten us both through incredibly tough times in our lives and allowed our creativity and skills to grow and flourish in ways we couldn’t have possibly imagined. this story has gone on, back and forth, for years. It means so much to us and is a source of brilliant nostalgia and friendship.

for posterity, we have archived everything including our notes. right now, we are in the process of organizing it all together in a document that makes sense. going through it has been so much fun. it has a lot of bizarre, sometimes completely non-sequitur humor that gives it its shine. That’s one of the things we really adore about it.

so without further ado... here are my favorite out-of-context quotes from the stories. im not done going through them quite yet so I might reblog this with a few more:

“the grandpa lives in the attic of the house, next to a plant and a trash bag.”

“‘I want scrims for supper.’ says the grandpa’.”

“Adam walks in, he explains [the horrible wheezing sound is] his robotic life partner and sexbot.”

“Frankie says ‘guise, guise, I need, I want, some of them CASHEWS! Y’all got cashews? That I can have?’”

“Adam turns his neck around 180 degrees to watch over Mohammad.”

“Roman went next. He was hamming it up and sang his rap — it went ‘GUNS IN MY HANDS, ANTS IN MY PANTS, RUBBER BANDS.’”

“She launched to kick at them but as she did so she farted loud enough for everyone to hear. She tried to cover it up by making noise but everyone knew.”

“The stepdaughter penguin honked.”

“No one was listening to him so he made a ruckus and yelled ‘HEY. EVERYONE SHUT UP AND LISTEN. ~Shawty’s like a melody in my head...’~”

“He looked like Plastic Man in that one meme where he’s eating powder that makes you say Yes.”

“He lit a small fire in the middle of the room using sticks and leaves. ‘Now, okay, normally I’d do this with some ants or a rat or something, but I don’t have any of those on hand right now. So just pretend there’s a rat or some ants in there. Can you just imagine them burning up in the flames?’”

“And so the two gays embarked on a journey to the shoe store, where John picked out some purple leather shoes for Seb so that he didn’t have to look like some mushroom fuck freak.”

“He started dancing to some music that was only playing in his own head (it was a live Gary Numan album from his 1980 tour).”

“Officer Nasty was just spinning in circles.”

“‘It’s 12 PM. That means it’s showtime for my friends, the Enema Tronics. Hit it, boys.’”

“‘My ear reminds me of my son Adam. He’s under my skin right now, talking in my ear. Oh god, he moved! There’s two Adams in my scrotum, I have to get them out!’”

“‘My son, in the future, named Adam, my future son named Adam, he has this triangle of skin too!! But see how mine is flabby? His is going to be bony. He is going to have a bony, chiseled neck triangle. See, I don’t have enough collagen, so my skin is flabby. But he is going to have too much collagen! So his skin will be taut like a drum!’”

“‘I AM HAVING AN OUT-OF-BOBBY EXPERIENCE!’”

“Everyone went [to the local Waffle House] and took up this very long booth and all sat on one side of the table, like in Costagno’s Last Supper, with Jared being the only one on the other side, like Judas.”

“He wore a whole bondage getup with chains and all. He looked like the ghost of Christmas past.”

“‘John bought the New York Dolls as if they were a basketball team and gave them to me as a gift for my birthday and now I need your help getting rid of them!’”

“RJ throws a shoe at Roddie’s head like the Iraqi journalist did at George W. Bush and he dodges it and runs at him like a super bowl and throws him in a dumpster...”

“Bea dumped his ass and started dating a handsome astronaut named Billy Joel Armstrong.”

“...he then takes out a tape recorder and says into it ‘...The Smiths are my new Aerosmith.’”

ok thats it for now

[ao3feed-brucewayne]

Tim and Duke vs. The Illuminati

read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/6130hHP by jupiterliketheplanet “Were… were your parents part of any secret organizations that you know of?” This got Tim’s attention. To be completely honest, there was probably a whole list of things he didn’t know about his parents. They were gone the majority of the year while they were still alive, and they weren’t exactly running to tell him about everything they were doing abroad in the short periods that they actually were back in Gotham. “What do you mean?” Duke had a confused look on his face and slid over the envelope he was holding. When Tim picked it up, he immediately noticed a familiar symbol stamped onto the front. A symbol that he had never expected to find on a Tuesday afternoon in his parent's attic. A symbol that, up until that moment, he wasn’t sure was actually real. The fucking Illuminati triangle was staring back at him. Tim slowly lifted his head to look at Duke, a perplexed look on his face. “Holy shit.” “Holy shit.” Duke agreed. (or; Tim joins the Illuminati just to prove that it's real) Words: 6237, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English Fandoms: DCU, DCU (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman (Comics) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Categories: Gen Characters: Duke Thomas, Tim Drake, Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Stephanie Brown Relationships: Tim Drake & Duke Thomas Additional Tags: Chaotic Tim Drake, Chaotic Duke Thomas, Feral Tim Drake, Duke Thomas Being a Little Shit, Tim Drake Being a Little Shit (DCU), The illuminati - Freeform, tim drake is a moron, and joins the illuminati, just to prove that it's real, duke encourages him, Bruce Wayne is So Done, Crack, Comedy, Batfamily (DCU), Batfamily Shenanigans (DCU) read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/6130hHP

[eddieeatsass]

I read The Key To Pleasure and fucking loved it dude. Could you do some stenbrough with top Bill and bottom Stan? Maybe using toys or something along those lines, maybe in front of the losers or where they can hear.. I’m giving you creative control lmao. I love your writing!

Thank you so much for this prompt! It was so fun, and I love Stenbrough and really don’t write enough of them, so thanks for giving me a less popular ship to work with. :’)Read on AO3 or below

It was the end of autumn and the Losers had been en route to their shared cabin all day. It was a few hours drive outside their hometown, so they’d taken two cars as to not drive themselves crazy by packing together like sardines.

They’d arrived half an hour ago, and had coupled up to head off and claim their rooms. Stan and Bill had chosen the room on the top floor; a cozy attic conversion with an abundance of bedding and not much else. The ceilings were slanted into a triangle, shaping the roof outside, and at the back of the room was a large window that led out to a small balcony, merely large enough for one individual to stand on.

It was quaint, exactly the kind of atmosphere Bill and Stan were looking for on their mini vacation. Of course, their excitement was only amplified by the fact that their best friends were sharing the weekend with them.

When they’d proposed the idea, they weren’t sure how the others would react. Bill had explained their plans for the trip, and had left the offer open for the losers to tag along, but they’d never done anything like this before so there was hesitancy on how everyone would respond.

Luckily, their friends had grown to be very sex-positive (and comparably kinky) individuals, so they were eager to join in on Bill and Stan’s little exhibitionist tryst.

But regardless of everyone’s eager response, Stan still felt his gut clench at the idea of an entire weekend at the mercy of Bill, while their friends were free to watch on as they liked. It was new, and it nudged at a place of vulnerability that Stan hadn’t felt in a long time, but it also created an unfathomable amount of arousal to pump through his system. It made him dizzy every time he thought about it for too long, thought about all of the things Bill could do to him, and how Stan would be on full display the entire time.

 As Stan was lost in thought, Bill began unpacking some of their things. He bypassed their clothing and toiletries, navigating instead towards some of the more fun items he’d brought along.

He pulled out a bottle of lube, along with a silk pink ribbon and one of the glass dildos from their collection. Stan was already shivering at the sight.

“We’re starting right away?” Stan asked timidly, uncrossing and then recrossing his legs in a nervous gesture.

“Only if you’re ready.” Bill answered, his voice soft and gentle, insistent on not making Stan feel pressured one way or another.

Stan nodded at him, and as a second gesture of consent, began shedding his clothes.

“You know we can stop at any point.” Bill ensured. “If it becomes too much for you-”

“I know.” Stan cut him off, smiling reassuringly. “The safeword is blue jay.”

Bill crossed the room swiftly, closing the distance between them with a fiery kiss that knocked Stan back into the mattress. They laughed into each other’s mouths, continuing the kiss with a little less passionate but the same amount of love. Now, Stan felt ready.

“Alright… do your worst, Denbrough.” Stan challenged cockily.

“Oh ho ho, you’re gonna regret saying that, Stanny.”

 In a flash, Bill wrapped his arms around Stan’s thin frame and flipped him on his belly, exposing his bare ass to the firm slap that Bill delivered. Stan’s face split into a grin, his body reacting to the action as if it had been trained to. He lifted his hips up off the bed and swiveled his ass in the air. The action revealed the bejeweled butt plug that was nested deep inside him, keeping him at the ready for whenever Bill wanted to take him. Stan lifted his hips even higher, silently begging for another slap, but it never came.

Instead, Bill shifted his weight and reached for Stan's extended arms, easily bringing them together at the wrists and beginning to wrap them with the ribbon. It was a soft, soothing sensation, a juxtaposition to the excitement thrumming through his veins. Once he was securely tied up, and Bill had tested the security of his bondage, his body heat disappeared from the bed for a moment.

The dip in the bed alerting Stan to Bill's return was accompanied by the cold press of glass against the bottom of his spine. It lit up his insides like fire.

Bill had picked up the glass dildo and was slowly teasing it up the bumps of Stan’s spine, spreading shivers across his shoulder blades and shooting down his arms into his fingertips.

“Bill… Don’t tease.” Stan pleaded, knowing it was to no avail. Bill was going to do what he was going to do, and Stan’s whining wouldn’t change it.

“Oh, eager, are we Birdie?” Bill teased, dragging the glass object back down towards where Stan wanted it most.

Stan muffled an impatient sound into the bedding, letting his body relax into it as he surrendered to Bill’s ministrations.

 It took another few tormenting minutes for Bill to be done with his torture, and to finally grab the lube that he’d set on the bedside table. He set the dildo next to Stan’s face purposefully, giving Stan the time to observe the size of the object that was about to be inserted into him. His hole fluttered in response, winking up at Bill’s watchful gaze. When Bill caught sight of it, his hands started moving double time.

Stan felt the stretch of muscle as Bill removed the butt plug, followed immediately by the distinct chill of lube against his hole. It dripped down his perineum, getting dangerously close to tainting their sheets, before Bill swooped in with a single finger and scooped it all up and into his loose hole. He was already stretched open, having been worked apart this morning and then plugged up on their ride down, but the intrusion still made him jump.

Stan spread his legs instinctively, giving Bill more room to kneel on the bed behind him and venture farther into him. Stan’s dick strained against the mattress beneath him, trapped in a constant push and pull of friction as Bill’s fingers worked in and out and in and out and in and out.

Bill kept his rhythm throughout his addition of fingers, until eventually he was able to fit four digits into Stan’s body with ease; just big enough to fit the dildo he’d chosen.

The object in question was beautiful. It was made of clear glass with accents of blue swirled within it. At the top was a slight flare to imitate the appearance (and feel) of the head of a cock, and there was a smooth curve to the entire thing. Bill had gotten it custom made for their one year anniversary from a college friend of his who was taking a glass blowing course. Apparently, the whole ordeal had nearly gotten her kicked out of the class for using the studio for ‘personal use’, so Bill and Stan really cherished the toy.

Bill retrieved the dildo from next to Stan, pulling his gaze along with it as he prepped it with a generous coating of lube.

 The first push of the dildo against Stan’s ring of nerves had him already quivering, aching for more. It slid in relatively easily, the sleek glass making for a gentle slide.

Stan let out a long, low moan as the toy bottomed out inside him, its flared head nestling right up against his prostate. He felt impossibly full, the density of the object only adding to the sensation.

Bill left the toy burrowed deep inside Stan as he moved up his partner’s body, trailing slow kisses up his back before settling at his ear.

“You look so beautiful like th-th-this.” Bill whispered, his stutter coming back as arousal clouded his mind. Stan loved Bill’s stutter, loved the moments when it slipped back out and reminded him of the old days.

Bill was blanketed over Stan’s form, his pelvis level with Stan’s ass. If Bill were nude, it would be the perfect position for Bill to take Stan apart completely, but this wasn’t about that. Right now, the focus was on Stan, and Bill’s control over him.

And Bill knew the control he had. He rested his hips up against Stan’s lower back and bucked up experimentally, pushing the dildo farther into Stan with his movement.

Stan gasped, squeezing his eyes shut as his jaw tightened with the effort not to cum on the spot. Bill repeated his action, apparently happy with the response it had gotten the first time. Stan forced himself to relax, focus on his breathing and come back from the edge, but every cant of Bill’s hips drew another strangled moan out of his throat.

Eventually they fell into a steady rhythm; Bill humping into Stan and kissing down his neck while Stan mewled wantonly below him.

Stan could feel the pressure building at the base of his spine, that tingle that indicated he wouldn’t be able to hold out for much longer.

“Hnngg- Bill- Bill I’m getting close-” Stan tried to stutter out, gasping when Bill hit his prostate straight on.

“I love being the one to make you stutter.” Bill purred, his voice floating through the haze in Stan’s mind.

 “Damn that’s smooth.” A familiar voice carried from the other side of their door, followed by the sound of a slap, an angry whisper, and then a clutter as the door flung wide open and in fell two wide eyed Losers.

Stan tried to hold back his orgasm, he really did, but it had already started by the time Richie and Beverly were staring straight at him, and he couldn't stop the waves as they crested.

“Ahhhh- fuck.” Stan whispered into the dead silence of the room, grasping the sheets in an iron grip and letting his head fall so he didn’t have to watch the look on his friends’ faces as he came. His shoulders tensed up, mapping out the muscles in his back in a ripple effect that had Bill chuckling darkly from above him.

His release left as quickly as it had come, but it was one of the strongest he’d ever felt, leaving Stan too dizzy to look up quite yet. Instead, he stayed stalk still, focusing on evening out his breathing.

He felt Bill shift off of him and his fingers twitched in an effort to reach for his partner, but again, his body hadn't quite caught up with him yet. Luckily, Bill knew him like he knew the back of his hand, and said hand instinctively began rubbing small circles into Stan’s back. He sighed contentedly, almost instantly forgetting that two of his friends were still in the room.

But of course Richie wouldn’t stand to be forgotten.

“Shit Staniel, I've never seen you make that face before!”

“Richie! Shut up!” Beverly hushed warningly.

Bill just chuckled, a deep noise that shook the bed a little and warmed Stan from the inside out.

“It’s alright, there's no secrets here. Right Stanny?”

Bill had moved from Stan’s back to his head, massaging his fingers into Stan’s messy curls.

“Mmmmm.” Stan hummed, hoping it was response enough.

Luckily, no one prodded for more.

“Well, we originally came up here to tell you two that dinner is ready, but then trashmouth was overpowered by his dick.”

“I was not! I was just curious!” Richie defended, his face lighting up bright pink.

“Yeah yeah, come on dumbass.” Beverly grabbed Richie by the collar of his shirt and pulled him up along with her then back out the door, shutting it behind them.

 Stan waited a few beats before peeking out between his curtain of curls, surveying the room to see it empty. He finally allowed himself to flop over on to his back, cringing at the mess that was now smeared across his stomach and their sheets. He looked up to Bill, who was eyeing him with a playful smirk.

In tandem they both peeled into laughter, Stan teetering off a little abruptly when he felt the toy shifting around inside him. With a stark reminder of the position he was still in, Stan awkwardly brought his bound hands down between his legs and pulled the toy from himself. He laid it beside him, long having given up on keeping their bedding clean.

"So how was your first venture into exhibitionism?" Bill teased, reaching over to untie Stan's wrists.

"Interesting, to say the least." Stan smiled back. As soon as he was free, he threw his arms around Bill's shoulders and pulled him down on top of himself, using the close quarters to lock their lips together.

Despite them both smiling too much to properly kiss, they still did their best, parting only when Bill noticed that his flannel had fallen victim to their mess.

“I'd say a shower is warranted before we go down for dinner." Stan commented, and then adding as a last thought. "And maybe a round of laundry too."

Bill stared down in absolute admiration of the boy he'd gotten to fall in love with.

"I'll follow your lead. We both know I'm only in charge in the bedroom." He joked, earning a light slap to the arm and more laughter.

 They spent the rest of the evening cleaning themselves and their room up. Once they finally made it down for dinner, their spaghetti was cold and sitting abandoned at the dinner table. They could hear the rest of their friends chattering in the living room down the hall, and Bill and Stan both felt completely at peace as they sat down and began eating, their free hands clasped together atop the table.

[probablyreal]

“I shouldn’t post a write up for THAT dream,” I think. “It’s bullshit. I never finished Persona 5 anyway. It’s probably not even right.” Then I called it “a very weird fanfiction that I’m 90% sure already exists” and went, y’know, why not.

(Contains memory loss, guns, panic attacks, and perceived betrayal, I guess?)

Reading all this shit will be 1650 words, so like, 3 minutes of your life.

So the dream starts with Akira/Me standing outside of Leblanc. It’s sunny; he’s just standing there, looking up at it (up at his room?) until someone notices and calls the cops. Then they realize that it’s not just some random loitering kid; it’s Sakura’s kid, kind of, and this is a big deal because he’s been missing for 6+ months. They thought he ran away, but he’s back.

Unfortunately, everything in the dream agrees with him running away. He looks fine- not a scratch on him. He’s still quiet, only answers questions when he’s asked them, and sometimes not even then. They eventually decide that it’s fine, since he’s Sakura’s kid they can let him go- but seriously, he’s missed half a year of school, there’s gotta be some punishment for playing that much hooky. And that punishment will be doled out by the school, who miraculously hasn’t expelled him, and Sakura, who still lets him stay in the attic.

The attic was being used as the Phantom Thieves’ meeting place. Yusuke’s left paintings in various stages of completion behind. There’s nature, but with excessive greys; there’s monsters, but they aren’t based on personas; metaverse scenery, with red streaks reminiscent of blood. There’s one painting turned to the wall. It’s the whole Phantom Thieves crew, Akira included, but it’s distorted; the colours, the proportions, the expressions are wrong, not enough to be outright evil, but definitely unsettling. We look at all of them, and the specific thought is like a text box popping up: “This looks familiar...” Nothing happens after that, so we clear off the bed and go to sleep.

School, obviously, isn’t happy. I guess they didn’t suspend Akira because the dude’s already skipped school for six months, are you seriously gonna tell him to leave? So instead they assign him some menial labour like taking out the school’s trash (”Task: Take the school's garbage out. It needs to be done by Friday, or it won't be picked up.”), and basically a version of detention that he would need anyway, to catch up on his studies. 

At some point during detention Akira wanted to do something but a textbox saying "I need to get Kawakami to trust me again if I want to... what?" pops up. Akira’s not really sure what made him think of that, because he actually has no idea where he’s been for the past six+ months. Somewhere. Not school, obviously, but he has no clue.

Obviously, he doesn’t mention this to his friends/family or associates. It’d sound like a cop-out, or an excuse, and nobody would believe him besides. He rubs the side of his chest because it aches, a bit; it doesn’t hurt, and there were no marks on him, but it feels like it used to hurt, you know? And his head throbs a bit when he thinks too hard, but if it’s not pain, it doesn’t matter. 

The Phantom Thieves are kind of glad he’s back, but they’ve managed thus far without him. Ryuji and Ann are the new leaders because seniority. They’ve got busy schedules, wrangling the rest of the gang; besides, they’re not sure how to deal with Akira just up and abandoning them, and also being a bit of a liability now. He does, after all, know about the Phantom Thieves, but he’s not actively a part of them anymore.

That hurts a bit. But it’s ignorable. He has to focus on his real life stuff, appease the teachers, regain peoples’ trust. But when he does, he’ll get back to Phantom Thief stuff and it’ll be like it used to be... right?

For some reason ‘fast travel’ within the school was achieved via elevators to go up, or a big plastic tube/slide in a stairwell to go down. I don’t make the rules. Anyway, Akira used the slide and as soon as his feet hit the ground and he could see light again there was chest and head pains- difficulty breathing, can’t even stand, hard to think, hard to see. He scrambles out of the way because if you thought this fast travel slide was a dreamer-only thing you were wrong; other students could use it, or the stairs.

A couple people pass by, and they just see this kid with his back against a wall, knees against his chest, panting and gasping and clutching like he wants to rip his uniform open, gritting his teeth and trying to just breathe. But it’s school, and he’s the shitty delinquent, he’s probably acting or playing hooky again. Most of them go “ehh, not my problem” and walk away.

At some point Mishima walks past. He’s pissed too, because he’s the Phantom Thieves’ number one fan, after all, but he’s also your friend...? So he stops, and he watches, and eventually realizes this isn’t an act, Akira’s seriously having chest pains or a panic attack in the stairwell. So he goes “Do you need to go to the nurse?” and it’s an out! It’s an offer of help! But for some reason Akira tries to pretend everything is fine and shakes his head, so Mishima leaves.

It isn’t fine. Maybe it’s the lack of air, or maybe it’s the pain. Akira hallucinates, dreams, or maybe remembers the Metaverse: black and red, Joker’s coat under his clutching fingertips (where are his gloves?), a gun at his head and someone muttering that this would be too easy. The voice is familiar, but Akira’s vision is just so blurry, he can’t make out the figure- just a blur of white and red.

It’s not real, right?

The pain dies down eventually. He gets up with a textbox prompting "I had to do [thing]". As he goes to do it on the main floor of the school, everything he sees is kinda disorienting, wavy and dark around the edges. It’s like sound is being filtered through water. Colour leeches out of things, then comes back. There’s a smell of baking bread, and it’s nauseating.

The task is completed well enough, dizziness aside. (Akira’s pale as shit, obviously not okay, but nobody asks if he’s alright.) The elevator’s in use, so Akira goes to climb the stairs, but promptly passes out in the stairwell because chest pain and dizziness. 

The last thought before smacking his head against a wall and then the ground is that he needs to “take out the garbage by Friday.”

The perspective switches to the other Phantom Thieves. Akira passed the Fuck out at school and was sent home; he’s resting in his attic, and they’re concerned enough that they’re there with him, despite, you know, avoiding him for however long he’s been back. I think I forgot what the rules for palaces in P5 were at this point, because the PTs break out their Metaverse Navigators and are entirely unsurprised to see that Akira has a palace.

Well, they’re together already. Why not just dive right in?

It’s not really a place so much as a game. It’s their city, but black and red, bright and bold and weirdly two-dimensional. It’s nice, or it would be nice, if it weren’t crumbling around them in slow motion. There are chunks missing from what should be sharp shapes, and not only that, but it’s like someone ripped handfuls out of the reds and tried to fill them with yellow and blue putty. Debris is falling in slow motion. As far as games go, they can defy some laws of physics- double jump, jump off the debris, etc.

They figure, well, if Akira has a palace he has a treasure, and it’s their job to steal it, right? But as they explore the palace it’s apparent things aren’t right here. If there are puzzles and traps, they’ve all been solved; if there are shadows, they’ve been defeated. Their trip takes them to familiar places: the school rooftop, the walkway, Akira’s room. All of their Phantom Thief hideouts. If this palace is a game, those would be checkpoints.

They find an obvious ‘vault’ for the treasure, and they find something they’d consider treasure, rippling and indistinct, but it’s like trying to jam a triangle block into a square hole. It can work, but it doesn’t fit. Something is wrong.

Suffice to say, the treasure they find isn’t Akira’s treasure- but what is it doing in Akira’s palace?

Morgana, eventually, wonders if someone already stole Akira’s treasure. It would explain why the palace is self-destructing, but it doesn’t tell them what they should do. And if Akira’s treasure got stolen, wouldn’t the destruction his palace be a good thing? (He’s not on a murder spree or dead...) And how did they even replace his treasure with someone else’s?

(What kind of an effect would it have, to replace a treasure? Whose treasure is slowing Akira’s palace from destructing? What’ll happen when it finally does- because Akira won’t have a palace, but he will have a treasure?)

They decide to regroup and call it a day.

Akira wakes up and needs to have a nice heart-to-heart with his friends, but it’s like pulling teeth because neither wants to say what they mean. 

“Hey Akira, you have a palace” would be a hell of an opener and probably a lead-up to “and we’re gonna steal your treasure”. 

“Hey guys, I have amazing amnesia and it’s scary, not knowing six months of my life” is just, no.

“You guys just... assumed I’d left? Did you even look for me?” would be tough to ask without the second question, and harder to answer. ”Of course we did- but Akira, how could you think otherwise?”

Eventually the others leave, and Akira tries to think about what could have happened in the last six months. He’s glad his friends are around, at least, but he’s so tired.

His head and chest (is that his heart?) hurt. He needs to use the washroom, but making it all the way there is seeming less possible by the second. At this point he decides he’s going to have to piss on his potted plant because it’s preferable to pissing his pants and I went “nope, if you piss in a dream you piss for real”.

So I woke up.

Anyway I told most of this to a friend @nishiuraboys and they know a ton more of Persona stuff than me so they said:

theory 1: Akira somehow faced his own shadow during a trip in the metaverse, splash in some elements of p4 mechanics where deny your shadow means Boss Battle, it goes horribly wrong which results in akira going missing for months

theory 2: someone else finds out that akira has a palace and promptly decides to Fuck Shit Up they face the shadow version of Akira, which a la p4 mechanics is the embodiment of resentment, frustration, anger, and despair that Akira refuses to acknowledge despite having acknowledged bits of it 

Mystery friend toys with shadow akira for weeks, sometimes fighting them, other times taunting them, but never outright Defeating him which leads to Akira hecking away for months cause his psych is literally being played with he comes back but the with resulting aftereffects of what those weeks prior to disappearing did to him

I also had No idea what happened in P4, so they tried to elaborate for me:

personas have two forms, the initial one that’s summoned and a better one either via ranking up a link or through story progression 

akira can have a palace if him having a palace means he can't achieve the second form of his initial persona because the shadow him is running amok

p4's thing with shadow basically boils down that the 'you' in the real world and the 'you' in the shadow world are one and the same and if you think different or deny the shadow, Boss Fight or Murder

[sandwichbully]

The Wedge Table (yes, again), 10 November 2018

   One time, Soft Kathryn called me Pasta Boi, a title I cannot deny, as I am, indeed, a pasta boi. Used to be I was a Pasta Slut but the word slut has been contentious for a while and only lately it’s starting to be OK to self-identify as a slut for certain things, like you’re a Train Slut if you fuck with some Amtrak or a Cathedral Slut if you’re down with the Vatican. I don’t know, I say fuck it, play it safe, don’t piss off the SJWs; Soft Kathryn calls me a Pasta Boi, I’m a Pasta Boi.    Everybody on board with that? Anybody feel like calling me out for some shit? I’m a Pasta Boi, goddamnit. What problems could you possibly have with the Pasta Boi?    ANYhoo, seeing as how I am - Wait. Am I a pasta boi or the pasta boi?    We’ll figure that out later. Look, I was out of pasta and it’s 19° Fahrenheit (that’s -7° Celsius for my metric fanbase) and I figured that was a good enough excuse to go back to the Wedge and get that last sandwich.    The tuna melt.

   Goddamn, that is a blurry-assed photo.    Anyway, I know I could’ve picked up a box of spaghetti from Hark’s across the street or even just gone down to the CVS for a box of spaghetti, but it was lunch time and neither of those places have a full-service deli with a limited line of seasonal signature sandwiches. And!? This is tuna melt weather.    So I go in there and this time I’m greeted by a bespectacled young woman and I tell her I just need a tuna melt to go, she says sure, hands me my ticket, and I go off to get lost in the (two) racks of food trying to find pasta because, while I am a pasta boi, I’m not seeing the pasta I’m used to: The red and white boxes of Essential Everyday, the green boxes of Creamette, the blue boxes of Buy Any Other Brand But This Homophobic Shit; I’m having that classist crisis again, feeling out of my element, too working class and dumb to figure out how to navigate a co-op, here he is, everybody! Charlie from the Trailer Park! Can’t find his way through the tiniest co-op and doesn’t listen to Vampire Weekend!    And then I nut up because, yeah, motherfucker, I am Charlie from Southeast Toledo and guess what: I like Black Sabbath, suck my dick. Where the fuck is the - Oh, here it is.    It comes in... bags? Why the fuck - I thought these motherfuckers were supposed to be earth friendly, why is the pasta in plastic bags instead of recyclable cardboard boxes? What the fuck sense does this make?    I pick up the pack of spaghetti and I look on the back. Under directions, it says to bring 5oz (150mL and I did that conversion, you’re welcome) to a boil and add 16oz (455g, again, I’m doing the heavy lifting) of pasta and I mutter, “What kind of maniac cooks a whole pack of pasta in one go?”    Hell, even as one of a family of four, I don’t think I ever saw my mom cook a whole box of pasta in one go. I mean, maybe she did, it would make sense, there’s fucking four of us but does this manufacturer assume... I mean, who the fuck cooks a whole thing of pasta in one go? Jesus Jehosaphat. Maniacs. Absolute maniacs.    So I got the fusili since I’ll be making a simple tomato and garlic sauce tonight that will love those little nooks and crannies to cling to.    Yes, I have studied up on pairing my pastas and my sauces because I am a pasta boi, outed and confirmed.    Then I grab a blood orange Hi-Ball and go over to the register and some old fart is just standing there with his back to it, not getting the point that I’m trying to get in line, thus a woman just walks around him up to the register and he looks at her and looks at me and looks annoyed - don’t give me that look, motherfucker, I have Aerosmith on vinyl, good Aerosmith, drugged up Aerosmith, I will knock you out in the parking lot.    Anyway, nobody’s paying attention to the woman at the register and a line is forming and then one of the guys from the deli says he can get me on the other register and I turn to follow him but then my name is called and I grab my sandwich and I get rung up and I get outside, and I load my bag and I come home.

You and me, we’ve been on an adventure together, haven’t we? A real emotional roller coaster? We've had to deal with inwardly-directed class shame as manufactured by capitalism; we’ve talked about putting our money in the right places, like not certain pasta brands that come in blue boxes; we’ve discussed identity issues as prescribed by a person who identifies herself as an oven but uses she/her pronouns. We have been all over the map so far and I’m sure all you’ve wanted this whole time was to know how the fucking sandwich tasted. You want to know if you should give your money to these people. You want to know how tough of a call it is between Get Your Wings and Toys In The Attic because even though the track listing on Toys... has the obvious bangers, ... Wings has some definite sleeper agents that will fuck you up.    For your patience, for your companionship on this journey, mon frer, I will now answer all these questions.

   Holy shit, this is the best thing I’ve put in my mouth this week.    Now, I didn’t look at the menu too close so, disclaimer, up front, I don’t know what kind of cheese they used. Swiss would be the obvious choice but I looked at the cheese itself and the holes were tinier and not round. I’m guessing, and I’d be surprised if I were wrong, this is havarti. It didn’t have the high-pitched notes of Swiss, either, which would have definitely stood out because, here’s the deal:    You could taste everything individually on the sandwich.    The tuna salad was creamy and I’m guessing they used an organic mayo because of course they would use organic and 1) this didn’t taste like Hellman’s and I’m a slut for Hellman’s so I would know, 2) this didn’t taste like Kraft, and 3) it didn’t taste like aioli because I detected no hint of extra virgin olive oil. Thus, organic mayo is my guess and it played nicely with the tuna, probably because the mayo to tuna ratio greatly favored the fish, so while I could detect the presence of mayo, what I was tasting primarily in that concoction was the tuna.    Appearance-wise, the tuna salad looked like exactly every other tuna salad you’ve ever had: Somebody opened a can, emptied it into a bowl, threw in a dollop of mayo, and beat the shit out of it with a fork until it stopped looking like it was once a thing of flesh and now just shreds of unidentifiable protein. I get it: There aren’t that many ways to make tuna salad, so I’m not going to dock points for the look of the thing.    The aforementioned maybe-havarti was smooth and creamy, which is how havarti ought to taste. I thought it could have stood to be a bit more melty, this is a tuna melt after all, and despite my visual inspection and my self-assuredness that this is havarti, the doubt still lingers because while it didn’t taste like Swiss, it didn’t melt like havarti, and we all know that Swiss is a bit obstinate when it comes to melting. It will do it but it takes a bit more cajoling than your softer cheeses like your jacks, your colbies, and, of course, your havartis. Again, probably not Swiss, but there will always be the doubt in my mind.    Fuck it. I just looked at the menu. The answer we were looking for was gruyere. Gruyere. Just proving to you, once again, that I am capable of being wrong. I am human and I am just like you.    So, yeah, the gruyere was good, even if I didn’t know until just now that’s what it was. It was smooth and creamy, just like havarti. But the important part is that I could taste it separately from and in concert with the other ingredients (even if I couldn’t identify what kind of cheese it was).    But the real child star of this made-for-TV adaptation of a beloved series of child detective novels grown up to appear ironically on the convention circuit and still say their cutesy catch phrase thirty years later before snapping and mowing down a gaggle of parents with a hedge trimmer at a Chuck E. Cheese would be the pickled onions, sharp and sour at the same time, balancing out the low creaminess of the tuna salad and the cheese and the midrange of the whole grain bread with high notes in brassy timbres, maybe even acrylic timbres would be more fitting, like Ornette Coleman’s saxophone. It provided what other tuna melts are missing: A full spectrum of notes. This tuna melt was like the Italians at Broder’s and Kramarczuk’s and the Reubens at Colossal Cafe and Tiny Diner: It was perfectly balanced, minimally fucked with.    And I know you’re probably rolling your eyes at me raving about a tuna melt and comparing it to some of the best sandwiches in the city but it’s like this: The reason you (and even me) think tuna melts suck is because all we’ve ever been handed is shitty tuna melts. The most creative we’ve ever gotten with them is using Swiss instead of American. Maybe we tried fancifying it by adding capers or putting tarragon in the tuna salad and it just didn’t happen right. And then we’ve walked into the greasy spoon and we see the tuna melt on the menu and we wonder how fresh is that tuna salad and we skip it and if we do order it (with every nervous caution in the world), what we get is a grilled cheese with tuna salad in it. We’ve had nothing but shitty tuna melts our whole lives so it never occurred to us that if we just treated them differently, if we just treated them like they could be good, if we just took a step back and considered the core components and asked what was too much and what was missing and saw this was meant to be different from a grilled cheese with tuna salad in it, we could have a good one.    There’s a reason that this sandwich has its own name and isn’t just “grilled cheese with tuna salad” and it’s the same reason we don’t call a Reuben a “corned beef and sauerkraut” or an Italian a “three meat and banana peppers” or a Club “turkey BLT triangles”. It’s a distinct and established entity and, unfortunately, people have stopped treating it like one and instead started treating it like a grilled cheese with tuna salad in it.    Not saying the Wedgetable has brought back the sandwich like it’s the fucking messiah, I’m saying that they’ve treated it right. They’ve done right by it. It was a damned good sandwich and I don’t regret paying the eight bucks for it. And what it lacks in size, it more than makes up for in flavor. You can taste everything individually and everything compliments everything else. It’s worth at least one visit in the Wedgetable’s direction, I would encourage you to give them your money.    Also, this is, I believe, our first tag for “tuna melt”.    Oh and Toys In The Attack has for sure three radio hits but Get Your Wings has “Lord of the Thighs” which is just a thousand percent of your daily recommended dose of raunch, nast, and sweat pressed into wax, so that’s a winner.