#the weird thing is this one hasn't felt that scary for most of the time i've been watching.

[kinetic-socks]

why is horror so brainrot. is it just that my brain gets consumed every time i watch something new? i feel like it's different with horror. maybe because i'm less happy about having my mind consumed like this. i didn't mind at all when i got super into sonic the hedgehog. still love those guys. but i've been watching playthroughs of slay the princess all day and i'm now regretting it. this is taking me out the way madoka magica took me out. maybe it's the philosophy? i know what brainrot feels like. i didn't really want to know what brainrot felt like. i feel like every time i acquire brainrot about something i am unhappy about it. yall are so passionate and amazing and i am suffering. whyyy. ughhhh.

[meiguicha]

AITA for complimenting my colleague - Update 1

Blade x Fem!Reader - Reddit exists AU

hrghgerghgh

Original Post - Final Update

r/AmItheAsshole ~ 4 day. ago

easternskiesonamoonlitnight

My (???F) colleague (???M) hasn't killed me yet. But I'm pretty sure I only have about three system hours before he actually does.

Before I get started with the update, I just wanna address some of the comments as well as add some relevant information.

I am physically very affectionate with my other colleagues and since most of us are female, casual affection is very common between us. As such, I had, in the heat of the moment and I fully understand it was uncalled for, done the same for Dao.

Our job however involves some dubious content at times, so it's really important that we do trust one another, and I guess calling my colleagues that is kinda misleading but eh.

No, I cannot say exactly what I do for work, but just know it involves a lot of travelling. And also quitting is really not an option, lowkey think even if I did, he'd still come find me.

Lastly, Dao is not some ruthless violent meathead. He's very gentle with my other colleagues and I guess me at times. I have no idea what that commenter was going on about but one of my other colleagues has since informed me about 'ass comprehension' so yeah.

Anyways, Dao is still doing all the things he did in my previous post but now he's a little more touchier.

I don't know. We've had one other very short task right after our first one, and at one point he herded me like sheep into an alleyway when a crowd had started to form. It was kinda scary but at the same time I think my attraction to him worsened.

Dao is a pretty big guy so it was like a lightbulb moment in my head. Being so close to him really puts into perspective how easily he could just snap my spine in half like a twig, not to mention he's physically way stronger than me.

Like, he's really big and when he put his hand on my back, I think I could feel blood rush everywhere but my head.

Recently one of my more senior colleagues, I'll call her Franz (???F), also has started dropping some really cryptic hints regarding Dao and at first, I just thought she was being her usual self. Then when my other colleague, Grey Dog (???F) also started being weird, i.e, asking me about flowers and my favourite foods, I realised maybe something was wrong.

I guess the final nail in my coffin was when my closest colleague, Glow worm (???F), had comforted me on something about "emotions being hard to come to terms to, and change is scary but sometimes we need to just accept what is coming.".

Even if you ignore all that, not even the aeons could possibly plan whatever bullshit just happened.

Dao went on a solo task earlier in the week, and I was working on some last minute repairs on my equipment when I felt something on my shoulders. I thought Grey Dog was being stupid again and absentmindedly petted the person on the head.

I looked and regretted it immediately. He came back early and was covered in blood.

It wasn't his.

I panicked and kinda dropped everything to clean him up, and he said nothing to me the whole time, just let me fuss over him. After that, I went back to doing my work and I could feel him just staring. He stayed the entire time and I guess I passed out at one point because when I woke up, he left his still bloodied coat on me.

Important part is that I got a really cryptic note on my door today and Dao basically told me to get ready.

Am I going to die? Did my colleagues know what he's going to do to me and were just trying to comfort me in my last moments?

I'm just hoping that he'll at least be quick with it OTL. If I don't update, please assume that he definitely killed me.

GalacticBaseballer069 ~ 3 system hr. ago ~ don't die, please. do you guys take job offers.... pleek.....

RealName_Online ~ 12 system hr. ago ~ The misunderstanding is actually insane, lol TileGamer4ever ~ 9 system hr. ago ~ Maybe OP and Dao really are perfect for each other.

Code_Action! ~ 2 day. ago ~ what is up with these goofy ahh names

QuietonDeck ~ 17 system hr. ago ~ How is it possible for someone to be so dumb? Genuinely, you see all these warning signs and yet have the audacity to post things like this acting all oblivious as if you're blind. It's like your brain is rotting from your one-sided attraction to him that you can find things like how big he is and how easily he could kill you attractive. If this keeps up, I wouldn't be surprised if you pop up in the news dea... Read more Theyearspasson ~ 16 system hr. ago ~ you wanna kiss OP so bad it makes you look stupid.

[horror-stuff]

can you do one of candyman meeting us and falling in love

ofc, I'm not good at doing romance much though so this won't be entirely what you requested but I will try my best

Daniel Robitaille x Gn reader

You stood in front of the mirror, silently staring into it. You had found this urban legend online, and you were bored so you decided to do it. You chanted candyman five times and turned the lights off.

Nothing happened.

Which was weird considering the entire bathroom suddenly had this unsettling aura about it. You walked out and went to your computer, continuing to read about urban legends. Then suddenly, you heard buzzing coming from the bathroom. You slowly walked back over to it. Looking through the doorway, you saw that the bathroom was pitch black. You still heard the buzzing, but this time it was louder and it sounded as if there were multiple insects in the bathroom.

You then noticed the silhouette of a figure in your bathroom. By now you were pretty creeped out, especially with the idea that there was an intruder in your house. "Who are you?" You asked the figure, as you began backing away from the bathroom. You heard them start loudly whispering, "I am the writing on the wall, the whisper in the classroom. Without these things I am nothing."

You were now several feet away from him, while you were backing away he kept moving closer to you. You could now make out most of the features of him. He was quite tall, and wore a large fur coat. You took note of the hook for a hand that he had.

You saw him look at you with a strange look in his eyes. It appeared as though he wasn't trying to come off as hostile. He was now directly in front of you, you were extremely scared despite him somehow not coming off as scary. You didn't move, since you were backed to the edge of your bed now and trying to back away anymore was useless.

He looked into your eyes, it felt as though he was staring into your soul. One thing didn't seem right though, you should be dead by now. So why hasn't he killed you yet? Is he trying to prolong your death? Questions swarmed your mind even though it was hard to think at that moment. You were in a sort of trance by just looking at him.

He didn't do anything, he simply stared at you. He slowly brought his hook up and caressed your face with it. Then he muttered something and the lights went off. When you turned then back on, he had disappeared.

(A/N: sorry if this was bad, I wrote this in school and had a bit of writers block)

[the-kr8tor]

HAPPY HALLOWS EVE!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA Daily Hobie HC! I may or may not be able to do tomorrow's cus I don't know how exhausted I'll be from trick or treating- but I will try! It was a lonely life for Hobie, but oddly content. Instead of the silence of the forest being eerie and scary, it welcomed him with open arms. Him, and the long, hissing bodies writhing on his head. Hobie was one of the many that had inherited the 'Medusa Curse', as it was called. Children were either burned or fled, with most fleeing, which is why the curse hasn't been broken. It was a solemn, still life, until you came along. Despite you putting a pretty fabric over your eyes to hide the gruesome white which permanently hid your sight, Hobie couldn't help but find you the most breathtaking being. Whenever he held you close, his heart beats louder at the sound of your chuckles as he watches the curious snakes poke at your earrings or flicker their tongues across your skin. He loves styling your hair for the day, brushing it out for you and styling it differently. One day, he'll tuck flowers into your hair, and others, he'll simply brush it out and let it freefall. Or, when the weather gets warmer, Hobie cuts it shorter to let you cool down. Whatever Hobie does, you don't need to see to know he's done marvelous work. His fingers are gentle as they glide across your skin, his lips leaving warm kisses in its wake. Even his snakes love you, eagerly intertwining their bodies with your fingers as you reach out for them, letting you pet them a few at a time, a fact he always brings up when you doubt yourself. On dull days, you and Hobie both napped on the couch, with him allowing you to use him as a pillow with a blanket comfortably covering both of your bodies, the warm cackle of a fire from his fireplace filling the empty silence. Every day he had quality time with you was his favourite. Being able to kiss you and shower you in affection is his favourite thing to do, especially when you began to chuckle out of immense bashfulness. Only then, does his affectionate teasing become flirtatious. Whenever Hobie's going somewhere, whether it'd be exploring or to grab more firewood, he would always ask if you wanted to come along. If you did, he'd take your hand and hold it, leading you along the unstable terrain of the forest. Even if you almost tripped, Hobie was sure to catch you before you hit the ground. Eventually, he decided to stick to a specific path to get to certain locations, letting you slowly memorize each obstacle and step before you were able to walk more confidently. You knew the way from town into the forest and vice versa like it was something you learned in kindergarten, practically skipping down the path with no worries. You found it particularly sweet whenever he took you to a river nearby, gifting you flowers or trinkets he finds while you enjoy the tranquility of the rushing water. Hobie places the gift in the palm of your hand, his hands cupping yours as he lets you feel the object, telling you what it was while you did so. Many times he had brought you different types of flowers, incredibly smooth pebbles, some feathers and even a piece of fuzzy string. It felt weird within your hand at first, and you were ready to throw it away before Hobie told you what it actually was. Despite him not thinking much of his gifts, you have kept them in your own trinket box he had made for you. You kept the feathers, rocks, petals of the flowers he had given you, and whatever he could find. Although you had a solid understanding of the cottage, there were times when you couldn't find certain things, and asked Hobie to help. Once, you had misplaced your trinket box, asking Hobie to help you. He quickly found the box, opening it and guiding your hand to it. He watched you drop in a shiny rock he had found a few days ago, before looking properly at the contents. Hobie couldn't help but practically smother you in kisses at your sweetness of the action. -🐦‍⬛

Omg I didn't even notice! Happy hallows eve! 🎃

Daily Hobie HC ❤️❤️❤️

That's alright! Have fun!

🤭🥰🥰 domestic medusa! Hobie

Ownxowjxs i love the fact that even the snakes loves r!

Hobie pls do my hair I beg I can't braid or style it for shit

Awww they go on hikes together 😍 and he's even helping you 😭😭

A trinket box!! Oh hobie is so loved 🥰

This was such a direct contrast to the minotaur Hobie au lmaoo which I love both very much!!

[oblivious-aro]

Would you actually recommend Danny Phantom to anyone you know that hasn't seen it, and why? (both real people and hypothetical internet strangers alike)

Mmmmm probably not. Maybe a hypothetical internet stranger/friend who likes Fairly Odd Parents (the two shows have nearly identical flaws and strong points), or who would enjoy some specific concepts (my interest in the show definitely comes from having receptors in my brain shaped likes ghosts and super-power-slice-of-life-dramedy).

DP is one of those shows with a lot of good ideas, but as it went on those ideas tended to get neglected in favour of more tropey 2000s and superhero plots that aren't written very tightly (many people theorize this was due to more creative control shifting to the show's creator, Butch Hartman, who's work had historically perfomed worse when he was given more control over them. Maybe also some weird budget stuff).

If I had to pitch the show to someone, I'd say the main selling points would be the core concept of a half-ghost teenager who fights ghosts, which is very creative idea that they do interesting things with, and also the humour. DP's strongest selling point is that it's very funny:

"You're toast!" "Oh yeah? You and what toaster?"

“Why? So you can go back to stumbling through your adolescence, desperately trying to get control of your powers? Powers, by the way, that I've had for twenty years. I have experience, my child. And the money and power attained through using those powers for personal gain, you see. I could train you, teach you everything I know. And all you'd have to do, is renounce your idiot father!” “Dude, you are one seriously crazed-up fruit loop. That is never going to happen.”

"Yeah, yeah, very scary. The fake horse is pretty neat though. What's it made out of, flaming bedsheets?" "Flaming bedsheets of DEATH!"

"That's the ghost from the zoo!" "Danny?" "No, the other guy!"

(Looking at a floating glowing TV remote)"Do...all your remotes do that?" "No! Well, my toaster does, but it's from Denmark."

The caveats that ultimately keep me from recommending it are the frustration of watching the show decline and bungle really cool concepts, and that it's also one of those casually racist and sexist 2000s Nicktoons.

Why would you write your chatcters saying this unironically? Why... why would you do that?

The misogyny isn't always that blatant, but it is constantly felt with the way the two most prominent female characters are written (Sam frequently acts as a Hemione Granger, while Maddie is constantly has to deal with her Idiot Husband's screw ups).

And the show does occasionally hit you with stuff like this:

The racist stereotypes felt like less of a constant than the misogynistic aspects, but the show leans pretty hard into them when they do pop up.

Again, if you're familiar with Fairly Odd Parents, the two shows are pretty similar in that regard (Also seemed to be a problem in the two episodes of TUFF Puppy I've seen, specifically with the lead female character. Butch Hartman kind of sucks). Very funny shows with interesting concepts that leaned pretty hard into some stereotypes that were rough at the time, and only got worse as the shows aged.

I wouldn't necessarily disreccomend DP, but I don't tend to reccomend things unless the flaws are easy to get over, and DP is not one of those shows.

[sunwarmed-ash]

I love you, friend! 💕

A couple of my headcanons for your amusement:

1) Connor likes to spend his free time playing video games (esp. farming sims) because they trigger the Mission Successful reward system in his brain

2) Gavin has quite the collection of fantasy dildos 😈

first off i love BOTH OF THESE. Very canon to me imo, I wrote the second one first, I hope you enjoy!

*NSFW warning*

Secret Box

This thing, between the three of them, that started small and innocently enough, turned into something so much bigger, stronger, and honestly sexier than any of them initially intended. So much so they closed on a three bedroom house last week and Hank, Sumo, Connor, and Gavin are moving in together. 

But moving is also greuling, at least to the two humans who complained about aches and pains every free moment they could. It's why Connor offered to bring everything in in the first place. Connor would not get tired. He was specifically designed for advanced stamina. But Hank and Gavin were two of the most prideful and stubborn men Connor has ever met. 

It took them a while to agree, but after Hank’s back popped in a way that was more bad than good, he threw the white flag and thanked Connor for his help before going to pass out on the couch. 

Gavin lasted a little longer, but once he and Connor carried their king sized mattress up two flights of stairs, he threw the flag too.  

There aren't too many more boxes, under half a dozen, and most of them headed for the same floor. He should be done and ready to lay down with his exhausted humans in about 15 minutes. 

Connor moves another large wardrobe box containing some of Hank’s old suits exposing a time faded blue, 15x15x10 box that he doesn't remember packing on the truck. Or seeing before honestly. 

Written all across the slightly yellowing cardboard is handwriting that matches Gavin’s, the words, 

DO NOT OPEN UNLESS YOU ARE GAVIN

I MEAN IT DICKHEADS

MY STUFF, HANDS OFF! *

Over almost every surface. 

A padlock opened in Connors vision and a prompt to 

Open the box? 

Had him biting into his lip so hard it bled, in strain to do the right thing. 

Because, well it's not his stuff. It’s very obviously Gavin’s. But whatever is in there, it's obvious he wants to keep it a secret. Under plenty of warfare in fact. 

What's the phrase Hank always says to him, curiosity killed the cat? 

Well, Connor isn't a cat, he’s an android. But he’s also not an idiot. He won’t open it down here, in plain view of everything and everyone. He will take it upstairs, into their shared master bedroom and open it there. 

~

Connor hasn't felt a choice impact him this strongly since he deviated. It's weird. It's just a box, he shouldn't be afraid of the damn thing. But it wasn't necessarily the box that was scary. It was the potential of everything that could be in there. 

What could be in there that Gavin didn't want Hank and him to see?

Maybe it was something super rare. Like the world's only albino guinea pig. 

Or maybe Gavin’s a master jewel thief and it's full of diamonds… 

Or maybe Gavin’s a deranged maniac who keeps his victims severed heads in a box!

Or worse….

What if its an embarassing snapshot of Connor from the DPD Christmas party?!??!

His fans whirring in his obvious anxiety attack has him shaking his head and clearing all of the ridiculous thoughts he just had. It’s just a box. And he knows Gavin better than he knows most people in the world after nearly 2 years. 

But once he opens the lid of the long traveled box, he instantly wished he hadn’t. 

Mostly, because in that moment, someone had come into the room behind him, exposing his crime. And even worse, that person was Gavin. 

“Hey! What are you doing!”

“I'm sorry!!” Connor panics, slapping the lid back onto the box so hard its sides folded under his force. He didn't even get a chance to look at everything inside, he was too scared of Gavin’s much deserved, wrath. 

“Ey, easy!! Those aren't cheap you know!” Gavin says, genuine worry in his tone and Connor’s hands pulls off the box and steps back. 

Hank and Sumo are on Gavin’s heels, barging sleepily into the room to add to his humiliation. 

“What’s- oh shit. Ha! I see you found Gavin’s collection.”

Connor and Gavin’s cheeks boths flushed in embarrassment.

“Hank!” Gavin scolds at the same time Connor asks, 

“What are they?”

“What do you mean what are they? They’re fucking dildos” Gavin says hotly, temperature matching the blood boiling under his cheeks. 

Connor looks at the box with the busted lid again, though he doesn't need to. He has the video feed already saved, he can bring up every inch of his first glimpse in high graphic detail. 

“But, they don’t, look like our other ones,” Connor says carefully, reading Gavins stress levels and adjusting his particular phrasing. 

“Cuz they’re not modeled after human dicks,” Gavin says again, and Connor thinks about the one on top. The one that didn't look like a dick at all. More like a tongue, easily as long as Hank’s cock but curved and shaped drastically different. 

“And that feels good?” there wasn't any judgment in Connor’s voice, just genuine curiosity. He thinks that's what really gives him the upper hand and reduces some of Gavin’s stress. 

“It feels phcking incredible. All of them do.”

“Some of those are big Gavin.”

“I’m well aware.”

Connor’s eyes glazed over, imagining Hank using any of them on Gavin, or vice versa. It was enough motivation for Connor to then ask, with the biggest, softest eyes he can, if he can fuck Gavin with one. 

~

Gavin’s knees shake as he struggles to take the ninth irregularly bulging inch, but he begged for it deeper, his cock still stiff and spitting fluid all down the shaft.

“Phck,” he can’t keep the pant back as much as he wants to. It hurts, but in the way he loves, and the fact that Hank and Connor are both so obviously getting off to it only adds to it. 

“You’re doing so good Gavin,” Hank praises, and Gavin feels more fluid fall off the tip of his cock onto their mattress below. He felt like he was about to lose his mind, so he’s glad at least it looks more polished than he feels. 

“Con, don’t stop, please.” 

Connor’s hand squeezes his hip before twisting the bulging dildo in his ass. 

The pleasure that rocketed through Gavin’s body at that particular action knocks out his knees and Gavin is barely holding his face off the mattress by his elbows. “Oh my god.”

“It’s actually Connor, but I appreciate the compliment,” the robot sasses and if Gavin wasn’t so desprate for an orgasm, he might have shot something back. Instead he shuddered, and pulled his tired legs back to their original position. It lined one of the bumps of the dildo up with his prostate and Gavin was putty in Connor’s hands. 

“Are you gonna cum?” Hank asks, sitting on the bed beside him, running his warm hand across Gavin's face to get the sweat out of his eyes. 

Gavin nods in Hank’s hand, and then Connor’s thrusts becomes relentless. It doesn't take much at all, and then Gavin is screaming through a painfully strong orgasm. 

~

AN: I'm sorry for the minor crack, but I just had to with the spongebob reference. It really wrote itself. You can blame Daddy Clancy for the melding of fandoms in my brain. 

As for the sex toys, use your imagination or alt the links I got the inspo from 1. 2.

* do I have a box just like this? Wouldn't you like to know weather boy.

[solarpire]

hey um

remember that comic you made? the one about the pet wolf?

yeah i found that and it made me Feel Things

so for context im a teen with undiagnosed audhd

and i just

for so long i was seen as gifted but also a little weird (couldnt make friends even while being friendly)

and i recently found out about my audhd and sorta... saw the other wilder wolves, metaphorically speaking

and now i know my parents can never love me the way i need

they wanted a dog (neurotypical kid)

and even if they get a wolf theyll bend it away from its nature for that wish

but im still scared of biting back and im pretty sure im just gonna tear off my collar and escape (again, metaphor)

Hey buddy. Holds you gently but intensely by the shoulders. I want you to know just how much I mean it when I say that someday, you are going to be okay, and you are very loved.

We are different people, yes. What you have described though is the exact lived experience I grew up with. My parents liked the idea of being parents, but not the work that goes into caring for the individual. I was very alone and couldn't understand why, what must be wrong with me. I tried so many times to get them to sit down and learn my needs, and most of the time I barely even knew what my needs were, I just knew that I was hurting and they didnt understand it or feel the need to learn why. It felt like I just didnt understand how to be a person, like I could never do things right. That is not your fault. You are their child, and when they took on parenting they should have been ready to take on getting to know you too, and I am so sorry that they havent.

I know how hard that is to get through. I know how scary it is doing that alone. I'm still recovering from a lot of it. And I know you weren't necessarily looking for advice, but if you want it here it is:

At all costs, do what you need to to keep yourself safe. You are another beautiful part of our community, you are valued, you are important. If you can get through this, love yourself as much as you can, try to find the easiest ways to get by, find coping mechanisms, find community, then you're going to make it out of there and into your pack some day, I promise. I know it's not easy, and I am so sorry for that. But you are a very brave wolf. I know you can do it. There will be a day where that collar comes off and I am so very excited for you to get there. There are so many people out there just like you, you just need to find Your people. Never ever give up on that.

I moved out of my parents house last year, and it's almost been a year now. It hasn't been easy, but I feel so, so much better. I feel free. I'm working to heal from the way I was treated. I control my life, I'm flourishing, and I feel loved and understood by the people I've surrounded myself with.

You will get there, one day. You just have to make it there. And I'm going to be cheering for you. Every other wolf out there will be cheering for you. There is love and understanding waiting for you in the world and I cant wait for you to see it. In the mean time, I just need you to keep loving yourself as much as you can. Your pack will be waiting for you

[we-pay-for-everything]

I've watched all available episodes of Nancy Drew and am rewatching season 3 (can you tell I ship Nace), and here are some of my thoughts no one asked for:

The biggest plot twist was the reveal in season 3 or 4 that Nancy's mom hasn't even been dead for a year. It's fucking crazy how each season spans a few weeks?? You're telling me that in less of a year Nick and George fell in love, got engaged, and then broke up? And Nick's on his third relationship. Bess fell in love 3 times?? She loved the FBI agent, called Odette the love of her life and is now seriously in to the new girl? And how many boyfriends has Nancy had? Nick, Owen, Gil, Park, and soon Ace? Plus she had a thing with the other detective? And now Ace is the love of her life? Carson really started dating that cop as soon as his wife died and is now seriously dating someone else? He's probably still paying for his wife's funeral. Do normal people move on this fast? Also, in less than a year the gang decided they would die for each other, unquestioningly? Intense.

Season 2 was a mess. Season 1 was legit fucking scary and the plot was amazing. After season 1 the show felt completely new. Season 2 was the worst because they did a whole concept change with the case of the week format, which imo didn't work. The episodes were all dry and there was nothing driving the story forward. Seasons 3 and 4 are a mix of seasons 1 and 2, with the episodes having some continuity and still standing on their own.

Season 2 also had the issue of Odette. I hated that storyline. The actress honestly did a very poor job. I couldn't connect with her at all. Season 4 is way better so far.

It's fucking weird how it was an issue when underage George dated Ryan (ewww), but Nancy (or the show) doesn't apparently see a problem with three grown-ass men being into a teenage girl? She's so smart but doesn't think it's inappropriate for them to date her? Especially the cops??

I'm sure Nancy gets on everyone's nerves, but she really has the unfortunate main female lead syndrome. She's insufferable most of the time. She's always getting everyone in trouble, never listens, puts herself and her cases first. When Ace got in trouble and asked her to solve the chocolate box riddle, she literally ignored him while he still asked about her case and told her to be careful. Although he was scared and in danger, he didn't mind being told no and stopped to talk with her. The hilarious thing is that she later solved the riddle in like 2 seconds lmao. The show takes it too far. She's smart but her photographic memory is ridiculous.

To be fair, the characters were also unfair to Nancy when they blamed them for their death curses in season 2. They said it was her fault because she was selfish, but they literally insisted on going with her to call on the Aglaeca. She told them not to.

Bess's best love interest was Odette. I didn't like the actress's performance, but it was cute anyway, and that one kiss they shared was magical.

I started noticing something between Ace and Nancy in season 2, and now I ship them, but it's also weird seeing them together. They fell in love even when they were dating other people?

One of the best lines in the show was when George's grandma said something like "It's not a path if it goes nowhere. That's a hole in the ground." Made me laugh the two times I heard it.

I wish the show had stuck with the season 1 format.

I shipped Owen and Nancy and he's still my second favorite boyfriend of hers after Ace.

Nancy saying Ace isn't letting her move on in season 4 is absurd. How is her stopping her??? But the dude shouldn't have let the ferret go just because he got jealous. He went through all that trouble just to catch it.

I still don't fully understand why George and Nick broke up.

I love Ryan and Carson's dynamic, and their dynamic with Nancy. It's like found family, with a twist. Ryan is Nancy's biological dad but he literally just found out and Carson raised Nancy but she's not his biological daughter. It's also cute how Ace is tight with Carson. He was really nice to him.

After Nancy absorbed all the lust in the chastity dress, she later said it was refreshing to just feel desire, but that was so cheesy. I'm sorry, but when does she not allow herself to feel desire? That girl is not repressed in any way - only emotionally.

I'm not super fond of George either. My faves are Ace, Bess, Ryan and Carson. Nick and George's sisters are cute too.

I had other things I wanted to say but I can't remember them...

Also, if anyone wants to chat about Nancy Drew, my ask box and "DMs" are open!

[funarisjournal]

The Beginning (Comic Edition, Pt 2)

Saved the rest of this revisit for today's slow periods at work. I liveblogged on Twitter, but this is where I really get to write my thoughts out. No tiny character limits!

Anyway, if you haven't seen the first part, I suggest you check it out first because I'm going in all "Now, where was I?" Style.

[Again, my essays are more for those that have already read the story over once or twice and are looking for some deeper analyzations. Spoilers may be mentioned, so you are warned!]

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Kasuga just opened the door and there was her neighbor, the one she had awkwardly talked to the previous evening.

Repeat photos, yay!

Anyway, there are two things going on here.

Kasuga opening the door to see who it is. She sees it's her neighbor and they had that convo, so she's steeling herself. She knows she can just close the door if it gets uncomfortable, but she is willing to listen because food, you say? She's (warily) listening...

Nomoto, meanwhile, is a nervous wreck because, well, how do you word this?? She is more nervous about the food proposal than Kasuga! Even on the next page, the nervousness stems from the weird-to-Nomoto request for someone to help finish off the meal she made tonight. Like, this is how she's truly introducing herself to her neighbor with little to no prior interaction. "Hi, how you doing? Wanna eat my food?"

She is well aware it sounds weird and maybe even creepy but...but what else is she gonna do with all that food when she's got no social circles or community knowledge under her belt?

We know how she acts when others (especially men) frame her passion as great wife material, but when she has to talk about it? Anxiety through the roof. She's judging herself and being self-conscious. In a way, I like how this isn't "Kasuga is a big, cold, scary woman" and more "Nomoto is super self-conscious and doesn't know how to be social in-person anymore (because she hasn't had friends since her school days and that's almost 15-ish years now, based on what I've inferred from other pages re: her current age and knowing the comic is basically Present Day)

Poor Nomoto has a lot of baggage herself. It's not as obvious in these first chapters, but she was clearly molded by folks who definitely harped on the traditional values and other expectations of adulthood around her too much....NOMOTO'S MOM.

But...I digress. So, there's something interesting to note here. I don't think I've seen people point out this specific panel. Namely, that last one, Kasuga's eye.

Kasuga loves to eat. We know this, even new readers get that impression pretty quick (and the cover, of course). She wants to enjoy all the food in the world, probably even the mediocre stuff (to which she can make future purchasing/eating-out options when she can afford it)

As you get to know her, and you come back to these early pages, you realize this food stunned her.

While we know Nomoto's food is delicious and others have voiced their satisfaction with it, Kasuga was able to taste an extra special ingredient that night. Yes, I'm being a little cheesy here. This special, "invisible" ingredient that has been missing in her life resonated within, and she responded with the most emphatic eating that, in turn, stunned Nomoto in feelings she hasn't felt before.

Fun thing to note with Nomoto in the center of the page here: based on the way it's drawn, this woman is having multiple things firing up inside her at full blast; not just the sight of someone enjoying her massive portion of food, but seeing HOW MUCH they're enjoying it and just never experiencing this before. It's new, it's stunning (multiple definitions)...she is just this side of BSOD-ing.

They have been cooking and eating with something missing all this time. Put them together and it's like something opens up within both. They had what the other was missing and they were LITERALLY NEIGHBORS...but it took a chance encounter in an elevator to start the connection

The next parts are basically Nomoto's raisom d'etre waking up from its slumber. She remembers why she took up cooking in the first place...

And while we can attribute these panels as a little lighthearted, comedic moment as the chapter comes to a close, consider this: the birds, bunnies, and deer never came...and neither did any people as she grew up and began her cooking journey. She found a "workaround" via sharing online, but it's not like her old dream. She said at the beginning how her food is missing an audience that will fully enjoy it (not just as posts). She has never had anyone around to enjoy her food until Kasuga agreed to finish off this plate.

And this is where I realized something.

....Did Nomoto even cook when she lived with her folks? Did she cook back then and they didn't enjoy it? Did she only cook for herself and that's how she learned? Or maybe her mom was like "leave all the cooking to me" so she never had a chance to show off?

Like this raises a lot of questions that I wasn't expecting to have as I reread this chapter. The future nightmare scene in Vol 2 doesn't help matters, though it gives us further insight about her friendships and her being pushed into heteronormative adulthood even at a young age. Sure, it's a nightmare, with some fantastical, nightmareish transitions, but a lot of those scenes appear to be based on past experiences she had, including the orientation quiz BUT I digress. Again! That can be for another essay!

Anyway! Whoo! What a ride, eh? And I still plan to do an essay over how Episode 1 of the drama covered their beginnings, so look forward to that!

[marley-manson]

Boom was probably the best Moffat DW episode I've seen (out of RTD era's original 4 plus the first 2 of season 5, Let's Kill Hitler, and ~*~*~Missy's~*~*~ first 2 parter) by virtue of the fact that it didn't offend me on either a political or fan level, and the characters occasionally (but certainly not consistently) spoke and behaved like believable people instead of snappy one liner machines and plot devices.

That is however damning with faint praise and I was otherwise not particularly enthralled. Thought the setting was good, the statements on capitalism and religion were good, and the rest ranged from fine to annoying.

73 Yards on the other hand knocked it out of the park for me. I'm a sucker for that sort of curse horror subgenre where someone is haunted by a creepy entity, and tonally it was a fantastic mix of existential fairytale and mild horror. Loved that there were no pat answers - we're in magic era now, leave the technobabble and embrace mysterious shit.

Also adored how realistic Ruby felt - like all of her reactions to the fucked up situation made sense! She tries to talk to the woman, then she tries to get someone else to talk to the woman, she understands quickly that it's a weird magic thing but isn't unduly terrified bc she's already seen some shit and the woman doesn't seem actively harmful. She doesn't know the Doctor well enough to know whether he'd just abandon her so she moves on soon enough and takes it in stride but with regret. When she tells her mom she is nervous but the woman hasn't ruined any personal relationships yet and she doesn't have reason to believe she's magically compelling people to flee from her, just that she's scary in some way, so she trusts her mom to be relatively chill but once her mom stops responding on the phone she understands immediately that she fucked up. She warns UNIT to keep away from the woman, but then trusts their reassurances. She eventually gets used to it. When she sees the fascist on tv she immediately puts two and two together with Mad Jack because obviously that phrase would never have been far from her mind in the past 20 years, with a constant reminder 73 yards away at all times. After decades she starts viewing the woman as her only steadfast companion, so when she finally approaches as she dies, she's glad, rather than afraid. It feels silly to go on about this because it should be default writing, but it's p rare ime lol, and it's what I love most about RTD's writing in general.

Idk just about like, every character beat worked perfectly for me. Did the plot make sense? It wasn't explained, but it also didn't seem contradictory, and the lack of explanation was part of the point of the supernatural aspect, as Kate Stewart mentions - inventing rules to make sense out of the inexplicable. Worked nicely for me.

[andrrns]

rubbish. pls skip.

you know, i always taught myself to be grateful, not to be greedy with things, and to be content with whatever i have. time has really changed me so much that i don't even recognize myself anymore.

i used to be so creative; i loved writing stories. i think it's because we didn't have a TV before. i used to watch movies from my neighbor's window, but mama didn't like it, so she would call me before i could finish the movie. i hated it. i hated the idea of not knowing what would happen next. but i didn't have a choice. it was then that i realized i could make my own ending, and i was forced to be content with that.

mama used to make weird comments about me because, as a child, i've always loved horror movies. they were my vibe, especially the gory ones like 'saw,' 'wrong turn,' 'final destination,' and even 'scary movie' series – those were my favorites back then. it sparked something in me, jumpstarting my passion for writing my own stories. most of them were just stories about a bunch of dumb teenagers traveling and getting stuck in the middle of a cemetery where zombies attacked them. god, i hate cemeteries. surprisingly, though, i can still vividly remember how i described the setting of that particular story i wrote.

i remember i had to collect the leftover pages of my notebooks and stitch them all together to make one big notebook where i would write my stories. mama refused to buy me a new one because of financial problems. i wish i wasn't the only one doing that because it was really fun. it was one way of coping with what i had. i discovered it wasn't a virtue, though; it was a facade.

hence, i've come to realize that time hasn't changed me much, except for the fact that i now understand why i always struggled with being grateful. being grateful, for me, felt like a constant reminder that i had to endure difficulties while my classmates were living the life i dreamt of, and i was expected to be grateful just because i could still eat three meals a day.

my classmates used to admire the stories that i wrote, but i often envied them because they didn't need to use their imaginations to create stories; they could simply watch movies on their televisions. i've always struggled with not feeling grateful, especially when i couldn't even see a reason to be.

i always taught myself to be grateful, but i never learned. i will never learn.

[faiirytalcs]

DOROTEA HERNANDEZ is based on TOOTIE from Fairly Odd Parents. She is a 21 year old HUMAN, THEATRE STUDENT, and uses she/her pronouns. She has NO POWERS.

Important History

where to start with tootie? maybe with the fact that she chooses to be called a weird nickname instead of her actual name because it feels like something that is so inherently hers

there wasn't much in her life growing up that felt like it hadn't been tainted in some way by vicky or fully destroyed simply because her older sister didn't want her to have it. but that was fine. there were ways she found to cope with her home life being less than stellar

evermore wasn't exactly the kind of place that made sense for someone like tootie - it was much too small for her much too large personality

not that she thought there was anything wrong with herself, on the contrary she was convinced that she was the best thing after sliced bread ( and whichever celebrity she had decided to dedicate herself to that month )

dramatic doesn't even begin to cover tootie hernandez. drama and passion are the blood that runs through her veins and it's no surprise that she feels everything so much, that she can be over the top and obsessive but if you don't have things that make you want to get out of bed in the morning, what's the point??

there are some people who claim that she needs to calm down, not to come on so strongly, but tootie never listened to such horrible advice. in her mind, they were just scared that she was so upfront with her intentions and her drive to get what she wanted but that was their problem, not hers!

family has always been a sore spot for her - her parents were less than absent and her sister was a nightmare. spending time away from home has been so engrained in her that she's often out until the wee hours of the morning to avoid seeing them at all

tootie fully believes she was meant for more in this world - either with an epic love or her face on the silver screen. she is in fact the main character!!

one day, someone will realize that tootie being in love with them is a gift and they will respond to her intensity at an equal level....one day

sometimes obsession comes in handy when it comes to uncovering information. could she be a private detective? sure but the only people she cares about digging into are the ones on posters covering her walls

falls in love a little too easily and sometimes ( most of the time ) that love is very much verging on mania but to be fair, it can only last a night. she's fickle with most of her love affairs.

real love is reserved for only a select few people who might not reciprocate it but she doesn't mind spending her time with people she knows she might not call again

the theatre is practically her second home. life in the hernandez household has never been that great and the community theatre has always been a place of comfort and safety for her, a place where people understood her and didn't judge her

has never set her mind on something that she hasn't been able to accomplish ( besides the whole timmy thing ). she has a scary sense of determination and once she's decided she wants to do something, there isn't much out there that can stop her

APPEARANCE

Face Claim: martina cariddi

Height: 5'1

Build: petite

Eye Color: hazel

Hair Color: dark brown

Piercings: ears, nose

PERSONALITY

Positive Traits: creative, passionate, open-minded, determined

Negative Traits: impulsive, quixotic, obsessive, insecure

Likes: plaid skirts, mixing patterns that somehow work, statement glasses, doodling hearts on every surface, community theatre, spending time in the greenroom, the spotlight

Dislikes: being ignored, forgetting lines, having to spend any time with her sister, parsley, someone getting more attention, being told she can't do something, the love of her life ( whoever she's into at the moment ) choosing someone else

Phobias: ecophobia

Hobbies: fantasizing, writing, researching

Aesthetic: living a million lives that will never come to fruition, falling in love with every person you meet, parasocial relationships, the second sister destined to be forgotten, the feeling of velvet theatre curtains, fighting tooth and claw to make a name for yourself, daydreaming at the most inopportune time, the smell of fresh roses

FAMILY

Mother: nicola 'nicky' hernandez

Father: diego hernandez

Sibling(s): victoria 'vicky' hernandez ( older sister )

Pet(s): chipper ( orange tabby cat )

[angie-j-kay]

Okay, here are my takes from Barbenheimer, and the messages the movies seem to be pushing:

Spoilers under the cut.

Oppenheimer:

If you're autistic, have anxiety, or are generally sensitive to loud scary noises, be warned that this might set you off. This was very much a horror movie, disguised as a historical thing. Also, Christopher Nolan music is Christopher Nolany. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

The great horror wasn't that the people involved were monsters, it was that they were just people. ANYONE handed enough fear and desperation risks becoming this. Yes, even you.

If the monster feels really, really bad about it after, is he still a monster? (Answer: YES, but you still paid to see this movie so now you're culpable too.)

A discussion of how responsible scientists are for what the powerful and cruel do with their inventions.

Ian Malcolm in the first Jurassic Park movie was right. "You were so preoccupied with whether or not you could, you didn't stop and think if you should!"

Hey, it's that actor I had such a crush on when I was 14 and wow, he got old, and OH SHIT I'M OLD TOO... It doesn't matter which actor I'm talking about, MOST of them were that actor to someone or other.

Florence Pugh has nice tits, and Robert Downey Jr. should play more villains. Also, David Krumholz is slowly turning into Alfred Molina.

Spoiler alert: BOOM.

Men suck.

Barbie: This one's gonna get me SO MUCH HATE, because y'all love Barbie, but I'm gonna do it anyway.

They told me it was an empowering movie for women and girls to watch. I went through the whole thing, and was rather insulted by this claim. Yeah, the idea of "women can be whatever we want" was repeated over and over, but the actual movie showed very little of that. Only the DOLLS got to be what they wanted, not the "Real Women."

Barbie not having a vagina is played for laughs, and the first thing that happens when she becomes a Real Woman (Yes, this is a plot point.) is... going to the gynecologist, with her new vagina and uterus. The Mattel board meeting actually had a man ask "I'm a man with no power, does that make me a woman?" How Tumblr hasn't caught the transphobia there is beyond me.

Ha ha, pregnant Midge! Loved that!

Feminism is important, because the patriarchy hurts... Ken. And the other Kens. Look, I get that this plot point was aimed SOLELY at the men who were watching this movie, trying to force them to imagine the role reversal and see how awful it is, but it doesn't change the fact that the main plot point of a supposedly feminist movie was clearly targeted at men. Like... come on.

Why is Will Ferrel here? You could have replaced him with a broken lamp in the corner and the movie would have been just fine.

I can't think of a single time that Barbie invited Ken's company. He pursued her, and she tolerated him because that was just sort of her role and she felt she had to. He respected none of her boundaries, just constantly tried to push past them. Then when he went full incel to the point of violence (Yes, I count brainwashing and enslavement as violence and you should too.) and she defeated him, he threw a screaming, public, self-hatred tantrum until SHE was apologising to HIM and consoling HIM, just a few minutes of screen time after a rant about how unfair it is that women are held responsible for men's bad behavior.

Ruth - "I can't let you become a real woman without you understanding what that means." Ruth - shows a montage of babies and motherhood, with some random crap tacked on the end in hopes that we won't notice that.

Being vocally angry about the patriarchy, racism, and enforced femininity is for dumb, angry teenagers with daddy issues who don't know anything about anything, and growing up into REAL feminism involves pink dresses.

The Velveteen Rabbit walked so that Weird Barbie could somersault while doing the splits.

I did cry when Barbie saw the old woman for the first time and called her beautiful. That was nice.

The boy bands of the early 2000s are finally explained.

The only way out of the patriarchy is by women talking to each other and working together, then... men saying they're sorry and totally promising never to do that again. Because that always works.

I mean, the movie wasn't terrible. It just wasn't made for feminists. It was made to get men angry enough to go see the movie so they'd have something to make angry podcasts about, in hopes that a few of them would start to think about what garbage they're spewing. Also, to sell toys, Hummers and Birkenstocks.

Also, I'm not sure this was Greta Gerwig's fault. This whole thing reeks of studio meddling.

OH, and men suck.

[annieintheaair]

Everyone says I'm good with my feelings; I talk about them, it's my way of healing but no one saw the hardest times.

I've been 35 for almost a full week now. I'm not sure what to say about it so far but I can't help but reflect on the last 5 years since I entered my 30s.

The day after my 30th birthday, I moved into my old townhouse. I met my new landlord at the house and got the keys. She said I could start moving in right away. I was so excited to finally live in a house instead of an apartment. It felt like such a dream come true. That birthday was the beginning of a lot of great things because a year later, shortly after I turned 31, I got my dream car - a Volvo XC40. It was my first new car, ever.

My 30s started off really well. In addition to getting my dream car, I fell in love again at 31 for the first time in over 10 years. If you scroll back to 2020 on this blog, you can read about that year and how things were finally looking up for me.

The last 5 years have been filled with so many highs and lows. It's like a rollercoaster that never ends. It's weird to think that I'm halfway through my 30s.

Leading up to my birthday last week, the weekend started with many delays. Our flight coming back Sunday morning was delayed and I was convinced it would delay further so I picked up a trip for Sunday night expecting to not actually be able to fly it. Since I was nervous about how long I'd be gone, in a pinch, Kia suggested I drop off the dogs at her house since I didn't have a dog sitter that night. I quickly threw on my uniform and got in the car with the dogs to drop them off at her house on my way to work.

As luck would have it, I was still legal for the trip Sunday night. The trip was ok though and I worked with people I actually like, which was nice.

When we landed back in DFW on Monday morning (my birthday), we got back on time, arrived at a gate by the exit, and the bus was waiting outside when I got out there. There was barely any traffic on my way home, too, so it felt like the start of a good birthday.

Even though I was tired, I met my sister and two of her younger kids at a nearby waterpark. My sister convinced me to go down one slide that looked completely harmless until I went down and my hat nearly flew off my head and I got a ton of water up my nose and in my eyes. Going down that slide made me think about how life is sometimes, especially lately. You're going down this slide, having so much fun, not sure what to expect but hoping for the best, and then the end hits you so suddenly. You know it's coming but somehow you don't expect it when it arrives. It hurts some, too. You get water up your nose and in your eyes, you feel like you can't breathe or see clearly. Even though it was fun in the beginning, you walk away wondering if it was worth all of the pain in the end.

I finished out my birthday by running some errands and getting my nails done. I picked up ice cream for my niece, Lucy, and I, and then headed home, thinking I'd go out to dinner that night. I was so tired that I never made it to dinner and ended up watching movies on my couch. I watched Hope Floats. The movie ends with the following quote:

"Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. You need to remember that when you find yourself at the beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up."

Even though my birthday didn't end the way I had hoped, that quote was perfect for finishing out the day.

I've been busy working a lot so there hasn't been a whole lot of time where I haven't been flying. Thursday I met up with Shinayde in the morning to have espresso martini flights at Ascension on the river and then finished out the day by going to a yin yoga class by the airport before work. When I got to work that night, my neighbor texted me, sending me into a complete panic, totally ruining the zen feeling I had achieved from yoga. I'm not sure if I forgot to close my garage door or if it had popped back open when I closed it but I was so freaked out that I asked him to go over to my house and check inside and then close the garage. Luckily, everything was fine but I'm trying to be extra careful now.

Friday afternoon I made it to yoga and didn't accomplish much else other than going back to work that night. These blocks of five nights in a row are rough but I don't think I could do it if I wasn't flying with friends. Even though my commute sucks right now, it's a good opportunity for me to make more money by flying extra. Since being single, I have literally doubled my income, which is a huge win. It literally pays to be single.

I have taken some time this week to meet new dog sitters to help me get through the rest of the summer, especially since I'm on reserve next month. With a possible strike coming, I feel like I need extra backup plans for all of the "just in case"s in my life.

Since it's looking like my parents are going to rent out my house once I move out, I decided to reassess my move and look for somewhere that might work better for me since the original place won't be ready until at least the end of August. I want my parents to be able to find a tenant before school starts back up so if I can move sooner, then I'm going to try to do that. I reached back out to the realtor that I was working with previously and we're planning on going to see some houses this week.

There are quite a few good options that she found so far but I'm obviously partial to the one close to my old house. I'd love to be able to just go back to my life and live in the same area again, where I know I'm happy and everything is convenient.

This week I made plans with Julie to go to see a show with a medium. I'm really excited and hoping I'm selected and can hear from Dan. I feel like it would make such a difference in my life right now to hear from him. It's hard to believe that it has been almost 2 years since he has been gone. It still doesn't feel real and they're wrong when they say that it gets easier. It honestly feels like it gets harder every day.

My birthday this year was the second one without a birthday wish from Dan. Whenever I feel sad about him being gone and getting through this life without him and on my own, I remember the night when he told me that we were lucky to have found what we did at such a young age. He was right. Maybe I don't get to feel all of those things now and be happy with how my life is going but when I look back, I think about all of those years we had together. We were so lucky. I know he's out there, cheering me on, always, wishing for the very best for me. I know he just wants me to be happy.

I take a bad day and call it a blessing I take a heartbreak and call it a lesson Why even through all the tears nothing looks, nothing looks bad Oh I, I've seen the worst nights and never forgot 'em Now I can sit down and face any problem 'Cause one thing I know is that nothing looks, nothing looks bad When you've seen rock bottom

xoxo

Annie

[purplesurveys]

1777

Do you feel bored with your life? Yes honestly a little bit. I feel like all I do is complain about work and be anxious about work, that I'm making a complete waste of my life. 2023 definitely feels like a not-well-spent year lol, but I know it's also my quarter-life crisis calling. I promise I have plans on leaving, but since I was titled with the new position already I might as well make the most of it and achieve 1 or 2 big things that I could put on my resumé.

Who’s someone you miss that you haven’t talked to in years? Katreen. We were very close...then after college, nothing. What's weird is that she'll always be the first one to follow me on whatever social media, but occasionally I'll reply/react to her posts and she just never replies. Our threads are all one-sided, lmao. I know she's an introvert so I give it a pass but it sometimes also already comes off as does she hate me?? Why'd you even follow me if you'll never talk to me or reply to my messages? lol.

Do you miss anyone who was mean to you in the past? Why should I?

How do you feel right now? I feel like I'm on cloud nine, lol. I have a box of palm-sized chocolate chip cookies, I'm alive to bask in the return of CM Punk in WWE, there's only 199 days before Jin comes back, I have no work tomorrow, and I'm seeing my friends for an exhibit viewing + dinner.

Work hasn't changed and several deadlines are actively plaguing my mind, but nothing can make me pissed right now and I'm allowing myself the rare opportunity to ignore all responsibilities first.

Do you have severe withdrawals from medications? I've never experienced withdrawal.

What’s the most weight you’ve ever gained from a medication? I've never gained weight from a medication, either.

Do you have a doctor you can trust? Not really, because I don't have a regular/go-to doctor.

What’s the stupidest decision you ever made? Staying in and fighting for a relationship longer than I should've.

How many tattoos do you have, and what are they of? I don't have any. Needles are scary.

How do you get through hard times? I just have to be in the headspace of telling myself that I've gotten through everything in the past, and the present won't be different. The pandemic also did wonders in letting me put things in perspective – I simply don't stress about difficult times as hard as I used to.

Have you ever been suicidal? I have.

Do you pray? If yes, to whom? Nope.

Do you ever feel lost and alone? When I'm stressed and my hormones get all over the place, I get tempted to drown in feelings of loneliness; like thinking that everyone's out to get me or how helpless I feel in my (work) position. Those are the only times I ever feel lost and alone, and I hate that my stance about work has evolved to such a state; I'm well-aware of how unhealthy it is so trust me, I am actively counting down the clock until I can set myself free.

Everything else about my life is wonderful though.

What do you miss about high school? Only having to worry about papers and deadweight groupmates.

What do you miss the most about college? Having all that time, freedom, and even avenues (orgs, rallies, after-school activities) to simply get to know yourself better.

Did you like high school? I liked the experiences and memories I got out of it, but I hated the actual system. I went to a Catholic school and they definitely did their best to make sure everyone felt suffocated 24/7.

What was the name of the first dorm you lived in? I never stayed in a dorm. I lived close enough from my school that it sufficed to just drive to and from.

What was the last flavor of tea you drank? I had this peach tea last Friday that I only drank because I was super thirsty and it was the only drink being served at the event I was in.

Do you feel like youtube’s gotten boring lately? Not at all. I go along with the trends as much as I can so I'm always able to find something to enjoy, whether it's video podcasts or ASMR stuff or vlogs or K-pop stuff or whatever.

What would you change about your hair if you could? I'd bring back the super pigmented purple hair I had back in June. My last stylist dyed my hair only a really faint purple and I'm not happy with how it looks now.

Are you jealous of anyone? Those who get to resign from the company for greener pastures, lol.

What was the best date you’ve ever been on? I know there should be one but I've already blocked most memories from my previous relationship that I really can't tell you anything even if I wanted to.

What’s the last great song you discovered? I'm really into That Feeling When by Enhypen these days.

Has facebook gotten boring lately? It is, and it's better that way. Facebook can be a toxic cesspool when trending topics come up, especially political ones.

Do you feel free to post how you feel on facebook? For the most part yes, but I still ultimately watch my mouth because I'm friends with a few members of the media and I don't want to end up an unruly representative of my workplace.

Which stereotype do you fit the most? Jaded corporate slave devoid of happiness and work-life balance.

What is the most beautiful landscape you have ever seen? Watching the sun rise in Sagada.

What was the first CD you bought? I Am...Sasha Fierce by Beyoncé.

How old are you? 25.

What year were you born? 1998.

Did you go to prom? I had to, it was required lol. I would have happily skipped it.

Are you jealous of people who are ten years younger? Not really. I had my time to be 15 and I don't feel the need to go back.

If you could rewind time ten years, would you? Nope.

What do you miss the most about your past? Mostly just the fact that I could be more carefree then because for the most part I had little to no heavy life responsibilities. In general though I feel zero desperation to go back to my past; it's not something I cling to.

Do you like getting older? Kind of, yeah.

What hard thing are you going through right now, if applicable? I feel helpless in my job and it's just starting to become a place I hate staying in. I've told my superiors that the last thing I want is to wind up resenting the company that gave me a chance from the very beginning so they're also aware that I plan on leaving the first chance I get.

Have you made any progress toward going after your dreams? Kind of, yeah.

Who encourages you to go after your dreams? Just me. My friends, too.

Do you like pineapple on pizza? No.

What song are you listening to right now, if any? I'm listening to Taehyung's live and he's playing some song I don't recognize, so that.

[aloneandunreal]

august 7, 2023

i'm having trouble knowing how to start this. i haven't posted in awhile, but twenty hasn't been too horrible to me so far. it still feels weird to say that i'm twenty, but i'm starting to feel it -- just a bit. emphasis on just a bit. for this post, i wanted to write a bit about my love life. relatively non-existent, but there has been some movement in the past week or so. though probably not anymore. but i'm getting ahead of myself.

i've always been the type of person who loved love. or at least the idea of it. even as a child, i would always pick someone to have a crush on when the school year began. sometimes it would stick, and other times my eyes would move elsewhere. of course, because i'm me, i never confessed my feelings to any of them. but, there was a sort of safety and comfort in leaving it as just a crush. while i had always wanted to be in a relationship, they were sort of scary. unknown territory. still are! i've always been relatively non-committal; bored easy. for the short time i was in a relationship (8th grade, so i don't really count it), i almost immediately felt trapped. not because of him, it wasn't as if he was controlling or anything of the sort, but for whatever reason i felt bound to him. sort of suffocating, in a way. same goes for the girl i "dated" for three days (something i always try to put out of my mind) who was constantly texting me and being clingy. i guess i've always been the type to want my own space. to be left alone. and my eyes always move elsewhere after a certain amount of time. while i would never cheat, i can remember when i did have a boyfriend, i was already developing a crush on somebody else. after awhile, it was no longer exciting. i was bored. i'm still like this, in a way. not that i'd really know, considering i haven't ever been in a "real" relationship -- but still.

of course, a part of me is insecure that i had no dating experience in high school. or even a talking stage. there was one boy who liked me for awhile, and i even said 'yes' when he asked me out, but i didn't actually like him and broke up with him hours later. it simply felt nice being wanted. i liked "the chase" -- always have. this is a pretty horrible thing to admit, but it's the truth, and i can admit it because it's my private blog.

for me, the thought of dating someone, at first, is very exciting. i would love to. i want to do fun things, i want someone to love me, i want to be someone's 'special someone' and vice versa. however, then i really start to think about it and a weird feeling forms in my stomach. i don't understand it. i can't even explain the feeling because there are no words i can use to describe it. the thought that anyone could ever see me in a romantic and sexual manner is sort of unbelievable and horrifying. that's why i never know when it's the right time to 'date someone.' how long should the talking stage be for? rushing into things would give me anxiety, but waiting it out and not communicating with them "what we are" would also give me anxiety. i'm confusing like that.

most of all, i don't think anyone could love me unconditionally. both due to not feeling attractive enough; but also due to being an awkward person who is embarrassed constantly (over little things... or nothing). even if someone were to be interested, they'd get bored. just like i do.

i guess, at the moment, i just want to feel wanted. i want people to be attracted to me, and i want to be able to tell. i want to be the type of girl that is always remembered -- an enigma. of course, impossible for someone like me, but i can't help but want it. ironically enough, i even had a guy say to me "in a movie, you'd probably be the main character's best friend, with a really deep backstory." that made me feel great about myself (sarcasm). while it wasn't that serious, it's still something that made me think: what can i do to be more interesting? more cool? more memorable? nothing, probably.

even if i were to find someone i liked who liked me, and got into a relationship, i feel like i'd never be able to TRULY be myself. the song 'trying 2 fool u' by remo drive sort of encapsulates these feelings:

i've been laying on the floor trying to keep cool i've been licking off the dust, trying to fool you i've always struck myself as someone who's uncomfortable [...] i've always struck myself as someone who's impossible waving at the sky i wanted to let go, i didn't want to say goodbye

although i know this probably isn't the meaning of the song, i feel like i'll always be 'fooling' someone, at least initially. i feel like, no matter how hard i try, nobody will see the real me. it scares me to be that vulnerable. i open up easily, but not about things that really scare me. so, by 'fooling' i mean not showing my true self, the parts of me that aren't the prettiest. it's hard to explain, but i'm not sure i will ever find someone who will be patient enough with me to get comfortable. i don't think i deserve anyone's patience because i don't feel pretty enough (to deserve it). it's incredibly difficult for me to explain, but since i don't consider myself pretty, i feel like i have to be perfect in all aspects. if i'm not pretty, there has to be another valid reason to date me. pretty girls can be weird/strange, clumsy, quiet. they can complain and express their wants. on the other hand, i can't. i can't complain because i'm only being dated because i'm a people-pleaser. once i am no longer that, there is no other reason to love me. i'm only being dated because i always have self-control, never express my feelings. once i do open up, cry, complain, get angry -- that's it. there is no other reason for someone to stay with me. and the list goes on. i know it sounds irrational and strange, but i'm trying to explain it in the best way i can. basically: since i'm not pretty, i cannot have any other faults.

i'm not going to be editing/re-reading this, so it may be written strangely, so let's hope i don't sound absolutely confusing.

anyway. those are pretty much my feelings on love and relationships. i want it, but i also don't. but, mostly, i do want it. it just seems impossible for me to obtain, especially in this day and age. whenever i see a cute couple, or hear about my friend's relationships, a part of me wonders: why can't that ever be me? why can't something special and exciting like that happen to me? when is it my turn to be happy?

insert never had no one ever by the smiths because i am corny like that.

(slight NSFW) my inexperience with dating, sex, etc, is also probably an extreme turn-off for most people. most people were in relationships in high school, early college, etc. now that i'm a junior in college, i feel so inexperienced and embarrassed. i'm the type of person that needs to be good at things immediately; and the fact that i probably won't be good at kissing, any form of sex, etc is quite honestly humiliating. but there's no way to practice. and so if i ever do potentially meet someone, and want to go to that level with them, i'll have to explain that i've never done this before. how disappointing for them. i like to please, and when i can't, i get awkward and nervous. but, of course, i can't imagine myself ever getting to that point anyway. the thought of any form of sex scares me. not in a normal way, but more-so in a 'i'm insecure about my body' sort of way. how could anyone be sexually attracted to me? what if they aren't turned on? what if they realize i'm not what they expected? so many 'what-if's' and no answers.

but anyway. changing the subject, the reason i wrote this entry was to describe a situation that occurred almost a week ago. a good one! which is probably surprising after all this pessimism about love. i kissed someone for the second time and it was the most magical kiss of experienced so far -- of course, i'm putting it dramatically, considering i've only been kissed by one other person.

i'm not going to retell the story in full detail, but i met up with someone for a date in a different country while on vacation -- a one time thing, obviously -- as a spontaneous, adventurous thing (trying to push myself!) and it went incredibly well. the type of thing i'll probably remember forever. not because i'm madly in love with this person or anything, but simply because of the experience overall.

it was a nice date for the most part. of course, because i'm me, there were some things that i felt insecure about, but overall it was great. there was a sort of freedom in realizing this was a one-time thing, and i could really do whatever i wanted and likely never see him again. obviously, i didn't do anything actually "crazy", but i did kiss him. and enjoyed it. it was fun! i was awkward, of course, and unsure. i kept stalling. but he was very understanding and patient, maybe he even found it cute. the most exciting part was that i liked it more than my first kiss (but anything could be better than that!) and he seemed to enjoy it too. like, actually. genuinely. don't ask how i know. it was such an exhilirating feeling. i'm wanted! i'm wanted! he likes me! he thinks i'm pretty! and he's CUTE? how could a cute guy ever want me...

it boosted my ego maybe just a bit. i can't help it. i know, i know, male-validation is a killer. i know there's something much deeper here than simply wanting him to want me, but for a second i just want to stop those thoughts and feel excited about it. considering my non-existent love life, this whole experience with him felt pretty movie-esque. while it may have been normal for anyone else, it was just so special for me. not just because of the kiss, but just being able to get comfortable with someone like that. while i was awkward initially (no surprise), i grew more comfortable and less embarrassed (remember- everything is embarrassing to me), and i think he liked that. maybe i'm looking through rose-colored glasses, and things were not actually this magical, but whatever. i am still so excited i had this experience. even if nothing came out of it, it made me feel confident for a second, and it was fun and exciting. despite not seeming like it, i always have wanted to simply have fun and be adventurous.

of course, knowing me, there was a bit of overthinking and anxiety after the fact. i might have ruined the moment a little bit when he said something that made me feel insecure, and i felt the need to tell him. basically, he said to me: "i didn't think we'd get this far." which made me feel sensitive -- i don't think i am the type of girl who would kiss or get handsy on the first date. but this was a 'first and last date' sort of deal. so of course i was going to kiss a cute guy i'd never see again. anyway, i told him this. it felt like he was insinuating i was being "easy" and i hated that feeling. while there is nothing wrong with that, it's still looked down upon by most people. and as a woman, i wouldn't want to be seen that way. fortunately, he was pretty understanding, explaining that he mostly had just said it because he was happy i'd gotten comfortable enough to do anything with him. and that if anyone was the 'easy' one, it was him. whether this was true or not, i took his word and things were fine after that. it's not a big deal, but just something i felt i needed to mention in this entry. i'm stupidly sensitive.

i don't know what he was expecting to get out of me, but it went no farther than kissing (of course). perhaps he wanted more than that, and had wanted that since the beginning, but i'm going to be oblivious to the fact. for once, i'm going to recognize that i actually don't know what he was thinking and never will... so why overthink it? it's not that easy, and even writing this i'm thinking more deeply about the things i did and said (and cringing), but i'm going to try not to.

overall, as i've said multiple times, i am very happy with myself for going through with this date. because it was fun. it made me feel confident, even if it was just for a moment. unfortunately for me, this only lasted for a bit, which was unsurprising. male-validation only lasts for so long when you're insecure. i was trying not to overthink things, but i couldn't help but think... "why would he like me?" and "i think he's out of my league." it didn't help that i saw some horrendous photos taken of me. the bliss i felt was over. it felt nice while it lasted, but those feelings of ugliness and being unwanted came back soon enough. was he pitying me? because why would someone like him kiss someone like me. he was far too attractive for me. and the insecure thoughts go on...

i can't help it.

while i'm feeling a bit better now, those thoughts will probably continue to linger as i start to think about dating. it's all i ever think about. having a face so unlovable. i wish i had a face that could be loved -- adored. found beautiful. but, until i believe it, i won't ever realize if someone actually does. which i suppose is some sort of progress -- admitting to myself that i am insecure, and that perhaps this is all in my head, that my ugliness is not as bad as i thought and the little things i notice about myself are not noticed by others. but, of course, as of now, i can't believe that fully.

and so, those are my feelings on love at the moment. of course, i could go more in-depth, but i think that's all i have for now. despite my insecurities and nervousness about dating, deep down i do want to love and to be loved. is it possible for someone like me, though?

i hope soon the day will come that someone will find me special, beautiful, lovable. i hope soon it'll my turn to "be happy." i hope soon i'll be in the type of relationship that, now, i am envious of. i hope, i hope. but will i make it happen? that's the only question. despite wishing it wasn't the case, i also have to put in effort.

ending this, i'll leave some songs that give me some hope for love, or at least i can relate to:

everybody wants to love you - japanese breakfast (everybody wants to love you) / everybody wants to love you hate yourself - tv girl you'd fall in love with anyone / i think you'd fall in love with anyone / who fell in love with you / and they frequently do lloyd, i'm ready to be heartbroken - camera obscura hey lloyd, i'm ready to be heartbroken / 'cause i can't see further than my own nose at this moment andromeda - weyes blood find a love that will make you / i dare you to try [...] i'm ready to try / treat me right / i'm still a good man's daughter i want you to love me - fiona apple i want somebody to want / and i want, what i want, and i want / you to love me spit on a stranger - pavement honey i'm a prize and you're a catch / and we're a perfect match cupid - alexandra savior filled in a hole in the road, we were speaking in code / stuck in fantasy mode [...] i forgot how i ought to feel / it's a whole lot to hold back, you know that cupid shoots to kill