#the way they wax poetic is so stupid too. everyone automatically assumes that only one of them will make it out alive

[zabiume]

still hate how contrived and random unohana's death is

[p-artsypants]

I’ll Handle This (Chapter 1)

In honor of 1500 followers, I present to you, my first chapter of my extremely stupid fic I’ve been working on slowly to de-stress. The fic is not actually ready for regular updates, but I will post links to this when it is. 

For now, it is just for my precious tumblr Angels. Enjoy!

“I’ll solve all your problems,” Plagg had said. “You just have to agree to it.” A fixed relationship with his father, Lila to stop bothering him, and Ladybug to fall in love with him? Who wouldn’t agree to that?

Except Plagg was the God of Destruction and Chaos and had a more…hands-on approach. Adrien just wants his body back.

Loosely based on @beebeebombam‘s bodyswap AU.

--

It was foolish to think that the god of destruction was inherently good. Adrien trusted Plagg, as did the other kwami’s, since he knew the difference between right and wrong, and more often than not choose the ‘right’ thing to do.

But to assume that he was good, was foolish.

At best, he was chaotic neutral. Doing what was best for himself, which usually meant preserving the status quo.

Plagg was, despite the grand powers of total destruction and chaos, at the core, a cat. A cat that lived the life that other people would be jealous of. Sure, he spent most of his time in a pocket, but that was the warmest and most snuggliest place to be. Adrien provided him with endless cheese, and endless entertainment. In return, he had to give up his corporeal form and get sucked into a ring, only to watch Adrien blunder around in a fight for 15 minutes once or twice a week. Even then, it wasn’t that much work. Sure, Cataclysm wiped him out, but a little more cheese and he was good to go.

Yes, being the god of destruction was a sweet gig.

At least it was, until things got frustrating.  

Of course he loved his little kitten, who didn’t? But watching his life unfold was like watching a soap-opera. And being a creature thousands of years old, only made it so so much harder.

It was like watching a toddler in a room full of electrical sockets with a fork in hand. Plagg knew that Adrien was bound to completely wipe out and screw himself over. That’s why Plagg was apt to gently nudge him in the right direction, without telling him outright. The kid had to learn somehow, right?

And then, Master Fu had to go and lose his memories, and now the soap opera was even more dramatic.

From a third person perspective, Adrien’s life was really not that complicated. He was in love with a girl, and she was in love with him, but not the version of him that was in love with the version of her. But of course, she thought he was in love with a totally different girl, and so she tried to move onto another boy, though Plagg doubted she was over him. Okay, in theory, it was kind of complicated.

But remove the identities, and that problem would be solved. Without Master Fu, that clock was ticking. It was only a matter of time before Marinette realized she needed to get in touch with him outside of the suit in case of emergencies. Talking to Tikki, she was even trying to coax the new guardian into that decision a little faster.

But you just can’t rush humans. They don’t know what’s good for them.

As for the rest of Adrien’s complicated messes, well, most of it would be fixed if he wasn’t such a people pleaser.

Sure, there was merit to being nice to people and turning the other cheek. Plagg could appreciate that. It was a very ‘Tikki’ sentiment.

But he wasn’t Tikki, and Adrien just needed to grow a spine already.

It was going beyond people pleasing, and going into fear of stepping on toes, and just outright masochism. It was like Adrien liked being taken advantage of and having his feelings hurt.

Well, by the way he was waxing poetic at the moment, Plagg knew that was true.

“And now I feel bad, because I know Kagami really likes me, and I know I could really like her too, but with Ladybug…ugh! I want to give up on her because she’s in love with someone else, and she doesn’t need my flirting to distract her in a fight, which I can’t even help anymore, because it’s such an automatic response, but when I think about how she’s dealing with being the guardian too, it breaks my heart and I just feel like I’m betraying her!”

“Do you feel like you’re betraying Kagami when you’re mooning over Ladybug?”

“No! Yes! I don’t know! Feelings are stupid!”

“I’ll say. That’s why I stick with cheese.”

“Ugh! You’re so useless!”

He wasn’t, Plagg would argue. Because he could see the whole thing planned out in an omniscient game board. It was just…impossible to tell him what to do. Only because was supposed to stay out of human affairs. Such was the law of the Kwami. And he was pretty sure at this point, Adrien would just brush him off with ‘you don’t know what you’re talking about.’

“Look, if dating Kagami makes you happy, then date her. If it makes you feel guilty, then don’t.”

“Bah! You don’t know what you’re talking about!”

See?

“Well, the way I see it, you can’t betray someone that doesn’t have feelings for you. Camembert won’t feel hurt if I indulge in a gouda every once in a while.”

“All you talk about is stupid cheese! You have no idea what I’m going through! No idea! My life is so hard and—and frustrating—and—!”

Oh boy, here came the waterworks.

“And whenever I need actual advice, all you do is talk about cheese! It’s so aggravating!”

“Listen kid,” Plagg said shortly. “I know how hard you have it, okay? And it’s not that hard. You’re just young. Of course everything is overwhelming, you’ve only been on this earth for 15 years, and even then, you’ve only been social for…a year? A year in a half? You just need to stop wigging out all the time.”

“That’s easy for you to say!” He ran his fingers through his hair, frantic. “You don’t care about anything! I’m trying to keep the peace between my classmates, my family, and all of Paris! You’re just callous!”

“Me? Callous?”

“Yeah! All you’re good for is destroying and making messes!”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah! You wouldn’t have a clue how to live my life! You’d bungle it all up in an hour! No, five minutes! You know nothing about being human! You’re just—Just—!”

“Just what, Adrien? Go on, say it!” Plagg taunted.

“You’re just a stink ball!”

Plagg looked at him flatly. “Really, that’s all you got?”

“What do you want me to call you?!” Adrien nearly shouted, at the risk of alerting everyone in the house.

Plagg rolled his eyes. “You really are a piece of work, aren’t you?”

“Shut up.”

“No, I’m going to talk, and you’re going to listen.” The kwami got in his face, his patience at an end. “I’m not supposed to meddle in your life. I’m a third party observer. I can advise you against bad choices, but I can’t tell you what to do. Or else you’ll never learn. But I am sick and tired of listening to you whining and complaining about everything, and then not actually doing anything to fix it. Yes, your father sucks, yes, it hurts that Ladybug doesn’t love you like you love her, and yeah, Lila is a liar and really tricky to work with! But you’re not actually doing anything to fix it!”

“Then tell me what to do! Because I don’t know!”

“I can’t!”

“Gah!” Adrien threw his arms up in frustration.

“But…”

Adrien turned and looked at him, taking a calming breath. “But…?”

“But, I can fix everything for you. If you let me.”

“You can? You can make Ladybug fall in love with me?”

“I can fix everything. You just have to agree to it.”

“Psh! Yeah! I’ll agree to it!”

Plagg held out his paw. “Then hold up your hand, the one with the ring.”

Adrien did so, hesitating ever so slightly. “I’m not going to regret this later, am I?”

“Hmm…only if you don’t actually want to fix all your problems.”

“Fine, I agree to whatever the heck you’re doing, you weird little creature.”

Plagg closed his eyes, and then when he opened them, they were glowing green. He touched his paw to the Miraculous, and Adrien felt every muscle in his body contract. A painless current flowed through his body, sending tingles to the tips of his toes and the roots of his hair.

“The pact is made.” Said Plagg, in a voice far more ancient than Adrien was used too.

He grew dizzy, his room spinning around him, and his vision doubling.

“Plagg—ugh…”

“Just go to sleep, Adrien.”

“Nngh…”

“Sleep…”

The last thing he saw, was a pair of glowing green eyes floating towards him, until all he saw was green. And then black.

—

In the morning, Adrien awoke to his alarm going off.

He swatted his arm towards it, never quite reaching it.

“Ugh! I feel like I got hit by a train!” His voice said.

Adrien blinked, and then realized that he wasn’t the one who said that. Looking around, was his room always this big? No, certainly it wasn’t…

He sat up, wakefulness coming to him in a series of waves. First, he wanted some cheese, desperately. Second, his body felt real weird. And third, there was another person in his bed.

“Just take as long as you need to catch up, but not too long, we got school.” Said his voice again.

Adrien looked to the other person, and came face to face with himself, though the eyes were just a touch greener and the pupils were cat like. “Wha-what?”

“Ta-da!” Said he, “Now I can take care of your problems, hands on!”

“Plagg!?”

“In the flesh!”

“If you’re me, then…” he looked down at his little paws. “AH!!”

“Chill, my dude.” Said the god in human body, resting his arms behind his head. “You get a vacation.”

“But—But this isn’t what I wanted!”

“That’s what you get for not asking for more details.”

“Plagg! We have to switch back! We can’t do this!”

“No can do, kid. I will stay in your body until your problems are solved. That’s the pact.”

“What?! And how long will that take?! There’s no way you can solve all my problems!”

“It could take a few days…weeks maybe. And I’m not solving every little thing.”

“But you said—“

“Once you get these three things in order, everything else will fall in line.”

Adrien took a patient breath. “Okay…what are the three things?”

“One, your relationship with your dad, two, your unrequited love with Ladybug, and three, Lila’s sexual harassment.”

Adrien gaped at him. “We’ll be at this for months! Plagg, just change me back! How do I undo the pact?”

“Well, you can destroy the Miraculous, effectively killing me in the meantime.”

Adrien shook his head. “No no…I’d rather not do that.”

“Or…you can just relax and let me work. I’m thousands of years old. I’ve been around the block a few hundred times. Hercules had his 12 trials, you only have three. Piece of cake.” He sat up, and swung his legs over the edge of the bed, making to stand. “Whoa…haven’t done that in a few millennia…”

“Ugh, this is not going to work!” Adrien lamented, “you’re not going to know how to act like me!”

“Kid, I live in your pocket. I know exactly how you act. And your attitude is exactly what got you into this mess.”

Adrien blinked at Plagg, as he stood and began stretching like a cat. “My attitude?”

“Yeah, Mr. ‘Everyone is my friend even if they hurt me’.”

“Well, that’s what I should do, isn’t it?”

Plagg finished his stretching and placed his hands on his hips. “You just watch kid. I’ll show you how it’s done.”  

“I have a feeling watching you is going to be like watching a train wreck.”

Plagg stepped into the closet. “Let’s see...what is the perfect outfit to spite a fashion designer without making you look like a total idiot...? Ah ha!”

Adrien floated off the bed, not used to the sensation, and slowly hovered over to the closet. “What?! You can’t wear that!”

“It’s in your closet, so why not?”

“It’s against dress code! I’ll get in trouble!”

“All the more reason to wear it then!” He fumbled around with his pajamas, trying to remember how to remove clothing. “Ugh, ideally, I’d love to be naked.”

“Don’t you dare!” Adrien nearly shrieked.

“Oh I won’t, but damn that would be funny.” He shimmied out of his pants and started to get dressed. “Why do you even have this outfit if you would never wear it?”

“It was for an eighties themed shoot. I get to keep all of my clothes I model. That wasn’t even designed by my dad.”

“Ohh! Even better!” Plagg sang, slipping on the white, tattered crop top, showing off Adrien’s abs. “You always wear dear daddy’s designs.”

“I have to, it’s in my contract.”

“You’re just digging yourself into a hole, Agreste.” Plagg pulled on the black denim pants, careful not to stick his foot right through the holes in his knees. Then he tied the look together with clunky black boots, a green flannel shirt, and green tinted sunglasses. “Oh yeah, now we have a look!” He tussled his hair. “Man, Pigtails is going to lose her mind when she sees this.”

“Pigtails? You mean Marinette? Why does her reaction matter?”

“You’ll just have to wait and see.” Plagg swiped him out of the air and tucked him into the flannel’s pocket.

Just in time, there was a knock on the door. “Adrien? Are you ready for school?”

“Show time.” Plagg grinned into the mirror.

“Kill me.” Adrien muttered to himself.

In the hall, Nathalie gave him a once over, her eyes wide and a eyebrow raising. “Do you really think that’s appropriate clothing for school?”

Plagg shrugged. “I’m playing with my image, so what?” Then he reached up and patted her cheek. “You work too hard, kid. You should ask for a day off every once in a while. Pretty sure Gabe’s blowing some labor laws or something.”

Shit. Damn. Ass. Piss. It was just as Adrien predicted! He blew it! And it’s only been what, a half hour?

“Adrien!” Nathalie sputtered.

But Plagg just breezed passed her, heading to the dining room for breakfast. “Oh, by the way Nat. Do you mind if I call you Nat? I need you to clear my schedule for the next few days.”

“I’ll have to check with your father—“

“Why? You’re the one in charge of the tablet.”

Nathalie was becoming visibly annoyed. “That may be so, but he’s the one in charge of me!” She huffed, then calmed herself. “You better have a good reason for wanting to clear your schedule.”

“I do. My activities are stupid. I want to hang out with my friends, have fun…you know, enjoy my life? You remember what that’s like, right?”

“What on earth has gotten into you?” She demanded.

“Sorry Nat, guess I woke up with a case of teenage rebellion.”

“Your father will not be pleased to hear about this.”

Plagg laughed. “Oh I’m positive he won’t! Go on. Better bite the bullet as they always say.”

Nathalie looked at him aghast, and headed out of the room.

Adrien floated out of the pocket. “Unbelievable. I’m dead. I’ll be locked in my room forever, and it’s all your fault.”

“Tut tut,” Plagg patted him on the head. “There’s not a lock on earth that can stop me.”

After breakfast, Plagg gathered Adrien’s book bag, being kind enough to keep his grades up. But as he reached the front door, Gabriel stopped him with a clearing of his throat.

Plagg turned and looked at him, but didn’t say a thing.

“What do you think you’re wearing?” Said Gabriel, with an icy voice.

Adrien knew that voice. That was a very very bad sign. Plagg was going to get it. Yelling, threats, prison. All of it. A hand reached into the pocket and rubbed between his ears in comfort and reassurance.

Plagg straightened up slightly, looked Gabriel in the eyes, and stated. “Respect the drip, Gabe.”

Adrien almost laughed.

Gabriel blinked, then continued with his icy tone. “You are not to address me by my first name. You know that.”

“Oh. Sure thing, Old Man.”

Gabriel frowned harder.

“Or would you prefer ‘Peepums’? Or ‘Daddy-O’?”

“‘Father’, is ideal. I don’t like this attitude, Adrien. It’s unbecoming.”

“Unbecoming? I think I wear a spine pretty well.”

Gabriel sputtered. “A sp-spine!? Is that what they’re calling disobedience these days?”

“It’s a real attention grabber, don’t you think? Because obedience wasn’t cutting it. You barely noticed me then.”

Gabriel scoffed. “You are always so dramatic! Just like your mother! I raised you better than to act out for attention!”

“Hmm…interesting. Considering you want me to grab the attention of everyone else in Paris. Or is that not what you meant? Only good attention, right?”

Gabriel’s nostrils flared. “I’m not impressed, Adrien.”

“You never are. So what’s new?”

“Go to your room. You want to act like a delinquent? Fine, then suffer the consequences.”

“How about no? You know, most kids would jump at the chance to skip school. But I actually want to go. Shouldn’t that be a red flag to you, old man?”

Gabriel took out a small remote from his pocket, and hit a button. The door and windows clicked, locked.

“You have no choice. As long as you’re under my roof, you’ll follow my rules!”

Plagg rolled his eyes, giving Adrien another scratch between the ears. “Ugh, gag me. Look Gabe, the more you fight this, the worse it’s going to get.”

“What?!”

“I’ve got a lot of pent up frustrations. I may do something drastic. I might hurt myself.”

Gabriel gave him a little knowing smile. “Teenage rebellion, hm? Fine. I’d like to see you do anything. I can see it in you right now. This is killing you. You’ve always been obedient, and you’ll continue to do so.”

“You’re calling my bluff?”

“Absolutely. Show me what’s next.”

Plagg raised an eyebrow, deliberating on what to do. Go all in?

Ah, what the hell?

“Open the door, and you’ll find out.”

“No. Absolutely not.”

Plagg shrugged. “Suit yourself.” He walked over and grabbed a vase. “Is this your pick, or mom’s?”

“That’s a priceless ming vase, hand selected from a renowned interior designer.”

“Really? Because there’s a 4 euro price tag on the bottom of it.”

“What?! No there’s not!”

“Yeah, you got me that time. It’s actually a Gien.” Then he chucked the vase into the nearest window, breaking the vase and the glass. “Now it’s a mosaic!”

“That’s coming out of your trust fund!”

“Oh, like your profits from last quarter wouldn’t cover it! I’m doing both of us a favor.” He stated as he carefully climbed out of the window.

Gabriel was too stunned to stop him. “And what favor would that be?”

Once Plagg was on the other side, he peeked back in the window and called. “Fixing our relationship! I’m your son, not your employee! Start treating me like it, and this will all go away!”

“This is blackmail!”

“No! It’s an intervention! Bye dad! Love you! Off to school!” And he booked it away from the mansion as fast as he could.

Once he was safely down the street, he took Adrien out of his pocket. He was bawling big tears.

“You okay, kid?”

“He was so angry…you broke a window! And—he’s going to take my freedom away!”

“Like I said, there’s not a lock that can stop me. He’ll come around.”

“You’re not going to ruin my public image, are you?”

“Adrien, no matter what I do, your fans will always love you. You start being a bad boy? People will eat that up. Relax. You’re worrying too much.” His eyes flicked up, noting the sign to a cafe, “ah, want some coffee?”

“I want my body back.”

“Coffee it is!”