#the way that cater made me almost have a breakdown was insane

[marisashinx]

This was a very painful experience... But fun! But very painful!

[pixiemochi]

One Night (Or Possibly the Rest of Our Lives) 🎨🏨

Chapter 5: I Love You

❝Love is scary and Jimin and Jungkook aren’t sure what to do.❞

After stopping to get food, the ride back home was pleasant and filled with small talk. Jungkook asked Jimin about his family and watching the omega light up made his day.

“I love my parents. I miss them a lot. They still live back in Busan.” Jimin stated.

“Oh, you’re from Busan?” Jungkook asked, glancing over at the raven-haired man. “I am too.”

Jimin grinned at that. “That’s awesome. Does your family still live there?” He asked in return.

Jungkook shook his head. “No, they moved to Incheon, it’s where my step dad is from.”

The younger man nodded. “My family still lives in my childhood home. My older brother moved out a year before he graduated college and now he’s married, and they have a little boy. Then I left when I got accepted in to school. My mom was sad to see me go. I was sad too and nervous. Ya know, coming to a new city all by myself. She often asks me to visit, and I always tell her I promise to when I have the money. She says she’ll pay but I always tell her I can’t take her money. They need it.”

Jungkook watched Jimin let out a sigh and look out the window. “We can go soon. Maybe for your winter break.” He told the brunette. “I can tell just how much you miss her and home. I’ll take you. That is, if you don’t mind me coming along. If not, I’ll send you to visit her. Whichever is fine.”

Jimin turned towards the doctor with a big smile on his face. “Really?” He asked. “Oh, I would love that. And you have to come along. My mom would love you. And she would be very understanding of our situation.”  

Jungkook chuckled. “That’s settle then, we’ll head down for winter break.”

“You are honestly too good to be true. How?”

The older man just shrugged. “I just try to be a good person.”

“Don’t be so modest. I think you’re a great person. Anyone would be lucky to have you. I’m lucky to have you.”

Jungkook’s alpha preened at the praise. He glanced over at Jimin and smiled. “Thank you, that means a lot.” Jimin returned the smile, genuine with his words.

A few days later, Jimin had found himself sitting on his bed trying not to have a mental breakdown. He had never felt more stressed out. Between his lousy job, his school work piling up (finals were this week, why he decided to take summer classes he’ll never know), and Jungkook, he was sure he was going to go insane. It’s not that Jungkook was stressing out. That wasn’t the case at all. Jungkook was such a big help with everything. It was his feelings for Jungkook that were stressing him out. He was sure at this point that he had fallen head over heels for the doctor. But he was more than certain Jungkook didn’t feel the same. Why would he? They were so different.

Jungkook had been nothing but sweet to him since the day they met. More so since they’re encounter with Ilhoon. Hell, Jungkook fought for Jimin, like any good alpha –good mate. If the brunette wasn’t in love with him before, he definitely was now. He took such good care of him, promised to take him to see his family. He did so much for Jimin without asking or even expecting anything in return. How can one man be so damn perfect?

Idea of having a family with the raven made Jimin’s heart fluttered. However ,he knew that wouldn’t happen. Jimin wasn’t the kind of guy Jungkook would fall in love with. Even though Jungkook was everything Jimin had ever dreamed of. He let out choked sobbed now, thinking that after he gave birth Jungkook would probably want nothing to do with him. He hoped that he’d at least want to keep their baby so he had a better life than what Jimin was living before this.

Jimin pulled his knees to his chest, sitting alone on the bed to the guest bedroom he had be staying in for just over two months. He had taken him only two months to fall in love. He looked down at his tummy with a smile. He was two and a half months along but he was only barely showing, flat stomach now much softer. He rested his hands on his tummy, feeling a tear hit his hand. He let out a shaky sigh but just kept staring at his stomach.

Jungkook was making Jimin lunch, knowing he was going to be hungry. He had cooked up some chicken and rice, grabbing a big bowl and filling it up for the brunette. He smiled to himself. He loved the idea of catering to Jimin and his pup. He loved taking care of him. Jungkook never realized how he felt about having someone with him until Jimin came along. He knows it was odd, the way their situation came about. But he wouldn’t change it for the world. It was then he was beginning to realize something.

If Jimin were to leave he’d be devastated. Not only because he’s the...well the mother of his pup. But because he’s come to care so much for the other man. In fact, Jungkook was pretty sure he had begun to fall in love with him. After their unfortunate encounter with Jimin’s ex, seeing that this man had intentions of hurting Jimin, Jungkook’s alpha instinct had hit him full force. The thought that someone like that could try to take Jimin away from him made him want to hold on to the younger man even tighter.

But he wasn’t sure what to do with this realization though. Should he act on it? Tell Jimin how he feels? Jungkook didn’t know how he would take it. But he was certain he couldn’t keep this to himself.

Jungkook grabbed a bottle of water and a spoon, carrying everything upstairs. He walked to Jimin’s room and knocked before opened the door. “Hey, Jimin-ah, I hope you’re hungry. Well I’m sure you are. But I have your lunch.” He said as he walked in. But he noticed Jimin was sitting on the bed holding himself. He could tell something was wrong. He sat the bowl and water on the side table before sitting down next to Jimin. “Hey, what’s wrong?” He asked, wrapping an arm around Jimin’s shoulders. He noticed the brunette crying now and he hated that.

“I-I can’t…I can’t tell y-you.” He managed to say. “It’ll make everything a-awkward between u-us.”

Jungkook frowned. “Jimin, please. I want to know why you’re crying. Please tell me.”

The omega shook his head. “It’ll ruin e-everything thought…”

Jungkook pulled Jimin closer. “Please, I need to know why you’re hurting.” He almost begged.

Jimin knew he had to tell Jungkook. Even if the outcome was going to be horrible. He had to. He started sobbing now. “I’m hurting be-because I love you b-but you don’t love m-me back and when our p-pup is born y-you’re just gonna leave m-me ‘cause people like y-you don’t fall in love w-with people like me.” The brunette managed to say. He buried his face in to his hands now, afraid to see or even hear Jungkook’s reaction.

The taller man blinked a few times before he pulled Jimin in to his lap. “Oh Jimin,” He began. “You’re so wrong. I do love you. I just realized it today. It took me longer than it probably should have. I think I started falling for you the day I met you. The day we made this wonderful miracle in your tummy. Please don’t cry anymore. You have no reason too because I love you back, just as much as you love me.”

Jimin looked up at Jungkook through his tears. “But h-how? How can you l-love me?” He asked. “We’re nothing alike.”

Jungkook shook his head. “And I don’t care. I love you for who you are. You’re so real and genuine, Jimin. You’re sweet, easy going, and artistic. And beautiful. And you are so easy to love.” He answered. “This is why and how I love you. You are amazing and I’m so glad we found each other.”

Jimin buried his face in to Jungkook’s just, crying again. “I’m so glad you love me back, I don’t know what I would have done if you rejected me.” He murmured. Jungkook wrapped his arms around the brunette, cooing softly to him.

“I can understand you were scared, and probably still are. But baby, I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. For one, my wolf won’t allow it. He was in love with you from the day we met.” He assured and the omega chuckled at that. “Will you be my boyfriend, Jimin?” He asked.

Jimin smiled and nodded. “Of course.” He answered. Jungkook grinned at that.

“No more tears,” He pulled back a bit and wiped Jimin’s tears away. “I want you to eat.” He reached over and grabbed the bowl. Jimin shifted in Jungkook’s lap to get comfortable before taking the bowl from him.

“Thank you,” He said, taking a spoonful. “Ooh this is yummy. I really like this.”

Jungkook smiled. “Good I’m glad. There are a few things I know how to cook.” He chuckled. He reached for the remote and turned on the TV, holding on to Jimin as he moved back against the headboard.

“I love this,” Jimin stated. “Cuddling as a couple.”

Jungkook kissed Jimin’s hair. “I love it too. I’m glad we can finally do it.”

“God, I was stressing so much about whether or not I should tell you I was in love with you.” Jimin confessed.

Jungkook shook his head. “I can say the same thing. When I was downstairs making your lunch I zoned out a few times thinking about it. We’re a mess. Stressing out over nothing.”

“Well I think we kind of had every reason.” Jimin said. “We were worried. But you’re right, we were kind of worried for nothing. I guess we just never saw this happening to us.” He explained.

Jungkook nodded. “I know I didn’t see this happening. I’m glad it did. I’m glad I had a stressful day at work and then got a little drunk at that club. I’m glad you were tipsy and happy, dancing alone in the middle of the dance floor.” Jimin blushed at that and Jungkook just chuckled. “I’m glad we got to have that intimate moment and something wonderful came from it.”

Jimin smiled at that, placing one hand on his stomach. Jungkook placed his hand over Jimin’s. The brunette looked up at Jungkook. “I love you.”

Jungkook smiled back. “I love you too.” He leaned down and pressed a softs kiss to Jimin’s lips. Jimin sighed softly in content against Jungkook’s lips. He didn’t expect today to go like this, but he couldn’t be happier for it.

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This was just fluff so I hoped you guys were able to ignore how short it was liked it!

[thejoeywright-blog]

YEAR IN REVIEW : Film 2018

Good evening/afternoon/morning,

A few notes on the breakdown on my year at the movies. I saw a grand total of 134 films released in 2018. A fair amount thanks in great part to MoviePass and various streaming services. If you are a fan of comic book movies, I would like to extend to you a personal thank you as you kept the movies theaters afloat this year. However, with the exception of Black Panther, I was located in the auditorium just down the hall. Full disclosure: I did actually try and see Avengers : Infinity War, but two four year-old’s were not being parented correctly and I ended up walking out. I hope they enjoyed seeing their favorite heroes turn to dust. I also most notably missed Mary Poppins Returns, Aquaman, Ant-Man and the Wasp, Spider-Man:Into the Spiderverse, Oceans 8, and Fifty Shades Freed. One film I did have the privilege of seeing and would surely be in my top ten, Under the Silverlake, is technically not scheduled for release until the Spring of 2019. So look forward to hearing about it next year. All that being said, here is how I saw the movies this year. Enjoy.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Black Panther, Bodied, Boy Erased, First Reformed, Hearts Beat Loud, Hot Summer Nights, If Beale Street Could Talk, Isle of Dogs, Minding the Gap, Mission Impossible:Fallout, A Quiet Place, The Rider, Thunder Road, Tully, Won’t You Be My Neighbor

THE TOP TEN

10. The Miseducation of Cameron Post

This is the “other gay conversion camp” movie that sadly was overlooked in place of Boy Erased. I saw both, and while the latter packs some excellent performances, judging by my exposure to Christian camps, this was the one that rang most authentic.

9.  Suspiria

Coming on the heels of Luca Guadagnino’s masterpiece Call Me By Your Name, there was no other film I was looking forward to more in 2018 than Suspiria. I also wouldn’t believe they had the same director. This heavy on style remake of the 1977 horror classic of the same name is truly made in Guadagnino’s image. It was vile, erotic, funny, beautiful, and captivating often in the same breaths. The buzzed about “contortionist dance sequence” from CinemaCon lived up to its vomit inducing hype reminding me while I liked the film a great deal, it’s not for the squeamish.

8.  Vice

Some are saying it lionizes former Vice President Dick Cheney. Others are saying it runs his name through the dirt.Part biopic, more parts political satire. It is definitely more Dr. Stangelove than Lincoln in terms of story and tone.  In a somewhat packed theater, those looking for a straight biopic, who I imagine missed director Adam McKay’s previous works Anchorman and The Big Short were seen heading for the exits due to the amounts of silliness. Amy Adams gives a downright diabolical performance as Lynn Cheney often overshadowing that of her on screen husband. 

7.  Annihilation 

Alex Garland’s follow-up to Ex Machina is much bigger film which in his hands is not a bad thing. Natalie Portman plays a biologist looking for answers after her presumed dead husband suddenly returns from secret military assignment.Your typical “journey into the unknown” story is enhanced with amazing visuals, intriguing scientific concept, and chilling horror. I’m still haunted by the sounds coming out of that, uhh, lets just call it a bear.

6.  Burning

An American remake of Burning would clock in at 92 minutes and be forgotten immediately upon leaving the theater. This is why I’m glad this was in the hands  Chang-dong Lee, a director who focuses greatly on the human condition. Large amounts of the run time of Burning is dedicated to the emotions, reactions, and exploration of our characters. The Walking Dead’s Steven Yeun gives the supporting performance of the year as the mysterious Ben. A love-triangle, a missing girl, and burning greenhouses amount to the most rewarding cinematic experience I had in 2018. 

5.  Roma

Roma is a film that asks of its viewer to almost meditate within it. Those familiar with director Alfonso Cuaron’s other films, Children of Men and Gravity, will find a more reserved and personal picture. The story of a maid and the middle class family she cares for in the Colonia Roma neighborhood of Mexico City is the most relatable and touching film of the year. First time actor Yalitza Aparicio gives one of the most award-worthy debut performances in recent memory as Cleo. Scenes have lingered in my mind since my viewing almost a month ago now, particularly a single-shot sequence of a family swimming into the ocean with no realization of how powerful the surf can be. 

4.  The Favourite

This cheeky period COMEDY, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, had me laughing harder than any other film in 2018. The story of Queen Anne’s two most trusted advisers battle for her commendation is delicious and diabolical at every turn. The film relies strongly on the equally grand performances it’s three ladies Olivia Coleman, Rachel Weisz, and Emma Stone, but DO NOT, I repeat do not sleep on the duck races.

3. A Star is Born

A Star is Born has been a social and commercial juggernaut with hefty box office sales, record sales, music award nominations, and memes beyond galore. However, it’s also an excellent example of Hollywood at its nostalgic best. There are easy avenues director, star, screenwriter, songwriter, catering manager Bradley Cooper could have taken with the thrice revamped story, but he plays it very close to the chest. It’s well known within my circle of friends and family how much I truly adored Cooper as the burning out rock star Jackson Maine.. Or Jack as you told me at the bar you wanted to be called... Every line of dialogue. Every smirk. Every caring gesture to Allie, Lady Gaga in frankly the best thing she’s ever breathed life into. Everything works here. See it the biggest and loudest way possible. 

2.  BlacKkKlansman

Here is my pick for Best Picture at the Academy Awards. It checks all the boxes. Great performances, screenplay, and direction with a great message tied in. I used to hold issue with Spike Lee’s political and social statements book-ending his films, but here it really works. Ron Stallworth, the excellent John David Washington, is Colorado Springs first African-American police officer, who on whim manages to infiltrate the local chapter of the Ku Klux Klan. He works as the voice on the phone while his partner is the nice upstanding wh-ite man they are seeing. What follows is a wild, funny, thrilling, and cautionary tale that rings truer in 2018 than its setting of the 1970s.

1. Sorry To Bother You

I saw Sorry To Bother You on July 16, 2018. It has held my number one spot for almost seven full months. Leaving the theater I had a feeling I have not had in a movie since 2003, “Well I’ve never seen anything like that before!” That alone holds a lot of weight after watching 133 other films this year that I could compare to something previous. The feature film directorial debut from The Coup musician Boots Riley ten years from now, much in the same way Pulp Fiction and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind are viewed, will be seen as “the norm” and a turning point in the way movies in its genre are made. I realize that is high praise, but risks are taken here where lesser films have flown off the rails. Somehow Riley takes what many would deem “absolutely insane” and makes it work. The performance of Lakeith Stanfield has been grossly unmerited all award season and is one of the best of the year. No other performance this year is asked to navigate the varying levels of despair, satire, and rage than Stanfield. Sorry To Bother You arrives without training wheels or a brake, possibly even handle bars. Enjoy the ride because you’ve never been on one like it before. 

YEAR END AWARDS

BEST FILM: BlacKkKlansman

BEST DIRECTOR: Alfonso Cuaron for ‘Roma’

BEST ACTRESS: Olivia Coleman for ‘The Favourite’

BEST ACTOR: Bradley Cooper for ‘A Star is Born’

SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Amy Adams for ‘Vice’

SUPPORTING ACTOR: Steven Yeun for ‘Burning’

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: ‘Burning’

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: ‘Sorry to Bother You’

CINEMATOGRAPHY: ‘Roma’

BEST SCORE : IF BEALE STREET COULD TALK’

BEST ANIMATED FILM: Isle of Dogs

BEST DOCUMENTARY: Minding the Gap

BEST FIRST FILM: Boots Riley for ‘Sorry To Bother You’

BREAKTHROUGH PERFORMANCE: Jim Cummings in ‘Thunder Road’

SCENES OF THE YEAR:

“Shallow” from ‘A Star is Born’

“Breaking the Waves” from ‘Roma’

“What’s On the Menu” from ‘Vice’

“Eulogy” from ‘Thunder Road’

Final scene from ‘If Beale Street Could Talk’

“The Contortionist” from ‘Suspiria’

[baker-mayfield]

Seth Rollins - Just Keep Breathing (3)

A/N: sorry that the update took so long!! college happened, football season started, and hurricane irma is hitting where I live. so, I’ve been sorta busy. in case you haven’t heard: maryse and the miz is having the baby and I’m like 100% here for it. but anyway, here’s part three!! as usual, tell me what you think.

TAGGED: @shieldgirl95 @alexekaydus @spine-buster @rebelfleur22 @caramara3 @alexahood21 @wwesavedme @camm-wow

WORDS: 1.8K

WARNING: angst and swearing, the usual.

 Weeks have gone by since my last encounter with Seth. Words can’t describe how awkward it is to see him in the hallway. Am I supposed to smile at him? Ignore him? There’s so many options, and no matter what people try to suggest there was always a con to it. 

I didn’t want him to hate me. A long time ago, I would have wanted him to hate me as much as I hated him after he cheated on me. But I can’t make it awkward. If I was Smackdown, I wouldn’t have cared about the tension- but I had to now. I’ve only been on the RAW roster for almost two months, I don’t need people talking. Everyone loved Seth backstage. If I was a bitch to him, then maybe they’ll think I’m just a bitch. However, it didn’t matter.

To my disappoint, I was scheduled to team with Cesaro and Sheamus to go against Sasha, Seth and Dean. How did it work? I have no idea. My heart dropped when our match was listed. It was a blur, I couldn’t be in the same ring as him. I haven’t been in the same ring as him in years. I wasn’t quite ready to face him. I have went weeks without talking to him, and it was great. I was happy, and I felt like I could actually be on the show as him. Maybe all these years after our breakup, I was exaggerating how bad the situation was. We’re grown ups, not little high school kids who didn’t know what love was. I’m over him, and he’s over me. Let’s be real. He was over me the moment another girl was able to get his attention.

Yet, it was way too soon when I thought I could avoid him for this long. Someone was just trying to test my maturity. They should be happy. It was working. After seeing our match listed on the schedule, I saw him in the catering and decided I would just wait to eat. Hell, I would rather starve. With my hand in my sweatshirt, I saw Cesaro running to catch up with me and I sighed. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Cesaro wasn’t giving me the choice when he ran past me and stopped me in my track.

“Y/N. Stop. Damn.” He begged while leaning over to catch his breath. I crossed my arms and sighed. “Are you really going to just ignore him? I understand what happened and everything… But you guys are on RAW, together. You can’t just ignore one another existence. He’s been talking about you since you’ve gotten here.”

“I’m not ignoring him!” I tell him while beginning to chew on my lower lip.

He tilt his head at me and shook his head. “Yes, you are. I saw you turn away from catering and you never turn down free food.” He explains and I just look at my feet like it’s the most interesting thing in the world. Was it really that obvious that I was trying to avoid any contact with him? “Please… I know he cheated. If you were here, you would know that Dean and I made him feel terrible for it.”

“Thanks.” I mumbled while finally looking back at him again.

“Just talk to him…..” I was going to talk when he placed a finger out in front of me and talked again. “Like, actually talk to one another. He talks so highly about you, and it’s crazy. When you debuted at Summer Slam, you could tell he was proud of you. All he would talk about was the dreams you had.”

I was taken back by what he said. Seth had talked about me? I heard Cesaro say it earlier, but I was really beginning to wrap my head around it now. Seth talked about me… It was weird. It actually made me feel really good.

“…..He talked about me?” I said slowly while looking at Cesaro while fighting against my smile. I didn’t feel like the bitter ex anymore.

Cesaro nodded as he placed a hand on my shoulder. “Yes. It’s been two years. He has changed so much since then and I’m sure he’ll really love talking to you.” Then he began walking away towards his locker room.

Well fuck. Now I was stuck here smiling like an idiot. I was supposed to be mad at him. Now here I was happy that he was talking about me with the rest of the guys. I didn’t think he’ll talk about me since our breakup was so… Bad. I haven’t talked about him or his achievements since we broke up. Maybe he was proud of me all along, but he just didn’t know what to say.

Then I snapped out of it.

What? No. Am I insane? Seth was the one that broke my heart. I can’t just simply be over it just because Cesaro says that Seth has been talking about me. God. As good as it was to know that the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with was proud of me, I wasn’t giving into him. Then something inside of me snapped.. I headed to the catering area. I ignored the hellos from Nia, Alissa, Enzo, and everyone else I passed by. I walked straight up to Seth who was joking around with Dean.

Dean must have noticed me walk up and he gave me a nod. “Hey! You must be happy to be in the ring with us again. What has it been? 25 years?” He laughed, and Seth joined in.

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. “Could’ve been a lot sooner if someone could’ve kept their hands to themselves.” I said while looking straight at Seth.

Dean’s mouth hung open, looking for words to say. I briefly looked at him before turning my attention back to Seth. Seth ran a hand over his face as he tried to find the right words to say to me. “Are you kidding me right now?”

I faked a laugh and poked him in the shoulder while staring him down. “I’m sorry. But it’s the truth. Remember, you cheated on me with some bitch for God knows how long and I left your ass because of it.” I reminded him.

“You don’t have to do this right now….” Dean told me while trying to pull me by the arm. I pulled my arm back and stepped away from him before shoving him away from me. “Come on. Everyone’s watching.” Dean whispered to me, basically pleading.

I looked around me and for a moment I felt embarrassed. There goes trying to avoid making a scene. Instead, I’m humiliating myself. Fuck it. They’re already staring at me. I might as well continue. “Yes, I have to do this right now. Do not fucking talk to people and tell them about how proud you are of me. Because it’s not fair to me! I wanted to be on the main show for a long time, and you knew that. But I couldn’t come here because of you. When Hunter told me I was called up, I lied my way out of it for so long. This time, I couldn’t.” I was crying a little as I spoke now. It felt so good getting this off my chest, even if everyone was judging me now. “You know what Seth, you didn’t even text me when I became champion but you could text me when I finally come to RAW. That’s not fair. Were you going to use that as your chance to try to get in my good graces so you can sleep with me again and then cheat on me with the first girl you see? Because you didn’t love me, and you never did. So please do us both a favor and stop acting like you care about me.”

I was a crying mess right now and I was so thankful that my makeup wasn’t done. Seth just had his arms crossed and Dean was slowly beginning to wrap his arms around me and I let him. I needed someone to comfort me because I had this built-up hatred for him for years now. I had so much more that I wanted to say. I couldn’t talk anymore. Instead, Dean just walked away with me in his arms, and crying in his chest.

If I broke down crying now, I could only imagine how much worse it would’ve been years ago. I didn’t talk to Cesaro before our match or after our match. It wasn’t his fault that I blew up on Seth, but it was a long time coming. He tried to ask me about what happened in the catering area, and I brushed him off. After the night was over, I went straight to my hotel room. Maybe I couldn’t do this. Maybe I was way over my head. I saw him out there tonight, I looked at him in the ring and when he was standing on the apron. He looked like he had no care in the world and that my blow up didn’t happen.

As much as I wanted to be like that, I couldn’t.

I was sitting in bed holding the covers close to me as I replayed the entire night. That’s when I heard a knock at the door. I couldn’t get up and answer the door. Whoever it was could totally see that I was crying and I had a tough girl persona to keep up. Okay, not anymore since the entire locker room saw me breakdown. There was another knock at the door and I sniffled.

“Go away!” I yelled while trying to bury my face into the pillow.

There was no response so I thought that the person had gone away. But there was another knock at the door along with a voice. “Please… We need to talk.”

‘“I’m not talking to you!” I told Seth. Just when I thought I had stopped crying, but the tears were starting again. “Please, go away… I have nothing left to say to you.”

He tried jiggling the door handle and he sighed. “You don’t have to say anything, I’ll do all the talking.” It was a tempting offer but I couldn’t. “I know you’re crying.” He said softly. “Look. Let me see that you’re okay and then I’ll just leave, alright?”

He’ll leave? If it meant that he’ll leave, then I was okay with it. I slid out of bed and pulled on a sweatshirt. When I opened the door, I could see that he looked hurt and I started crying again. He held me close to him. I’ve been crying all night. I was way too weak to push him off of me. It was nice to have a comforting arm around me. I missed the way he held me. As I cried into his arms, he ushered me inside and closed the door.  

 “I’m so sorry, babe.” He whispered in my ear as he held me close to him. It was the first time that he has actually said sorry to me after our breakup. I desperately wanted to believe him... and I did. 

[drawerevent03-blog]

Cinnamon Crunch Cereal and Hemp Milk

“It is easier to change a man’s religion than to change his diet.” – Margaret Mead

Yup. Pretty much. This entire shift began when I had a particularly gnarly couple of months with manic mood swings that rivaled my adolescence, acne flare-ups, bloating, low energy, night sweats, and all-round malaise. Knowing what I know, I looked at my diet first to see what could be adjusted. Everything was organic, whole, plant-based and totally “healthy” by most peoples’ standards. But it just wasn’t working anymore. I knew something had to give.

Delving in deeper, a typical day for me was a whole-grain porridge in the morning, topped with all kinds of seasonal fruit, homemade granola etc. Lunch was a couple slices of organic sourdough rye bread from the local bakery, with homemade hummus, avocado, sprouts etc. Dinner was often a mixed bowl, the base of which was brown rice, quinoa, millet or buckwheat covered in a rainbow of vegetables, homemade pickles, superfood-loaded sauce, and fresh herbs. I wasn’t eating sugar, drinking coffee, I was keeping up with my exercise and sleeping well. So what was the problem? In this case, I had a feeling it was a big ol’ grain overload.

The idea of cutting back on my morning oats, bread, and grain bowls was literally devastating to me. I cried. On multiple occasions, just talking about giving up muffins made me weep, and I felt like there was just no way I could make even more changes, or think about my diet even more than I already did.

I have had two serious experiences with orthorexia in my life. For those of you who don’t know what orthorexia is, it is defined as an obsession with healthy eating. It is considered an eating disorder, and one that is becoming more prevalent in Western culture as healthy eating becomes increasingly “trendy”. The first bout happened the year I moved out of the house to study at university. While many of my friends were bingeing on junk food and beer, I swung in the opposite direction entirely and took advantage of the incredible meal program that was offered at school, and fueled myself with enormous salads, delicious sandwiches and wraps, veggie-heavy soups and stews, and protein-rich smoothies. I also signed up for the free fitness classes at the university gym, got hooked on kickboxing, step aerobics, boot camp drills, and the weight literally fell off me. I lost about 25 pounds that year, and for the first time in my life I felt like I was in control of the way I looked. The sudden attention from guys – which I had never had before – further stoked the fires for my desire to be even thinner, even though my initial motivation to eat this way stemmed from a desire to be healthy. As my attitude towards food morphed from friend to enemy, I flirted with a full-on eating disorder at this point, playing games with myself to see how long I could go without eating, how many exercise classes I could fit in between classes and study groups, how long I could make my bean salad from lunch last (too long!). Eventually my energy levels dropped to the point where I had a very hard time getting out of bed in the morning and I couldn’t concentrate well in school. I realized that I had taken things too far and started eating in a more balanced way again. I put the experience behind me without giving it too much thought.

The second time this resurfaced was, ironically, while studying holistic nutrition. While I was learning all about foods and how my body worked, I became almost afraid to eat, toxifying my body, or “poisoning” it with sugar, gluten, dairy and the rest. I became obsessed with detoxing and subsisted only on “clean foods”; mostly vegetables. I was stressed, my hair started falling out, my acne came back and my energy hit an all-time low. Despite my obvious physical misery, I somehow felt validated since I wasn’t putting anything “bad” in my body. Eating as healthy as possible became obsessive for me and my classmates, and we’d all proudly bring our lunches to school, subtly scrutinizing each other’s Tupperware contents. Again, food had lost its pleasure, its joy, and had become something that I saw as more of an enemy than a friend. And that really scared me.

After graduating, I finally got a grip, and once again slowly re-established a healthy relationship to what I was eating. It is for these reasons that food is such a tender subject for me, and changing my diet dangerous territory. I spent so many years struggling to achieve a positive connection with food, and when I finally got there and it felt like such a relief. The prospect of having to go “back to that place” of thinking about food more than I already did felt unsafe for me, and slipping back into an obsessive place felt like an inevitability. Meanwhile, the negative self-talk voices were loud and overpowering, telling me how I was fat, flabby, weak, old – things that I KNEW weren’t true. But that’s the sad thing about internal monologues, they don’t need to make sense to play like broken records in our minds all day every day. It’s enough to drive a person insane. The cruel voices coupled with my extreme fear of reverting back to my old thought patterns and eating habits absolutely terrified me. I felt like I had hit a wall of hopelessness. And all I wanted to do to feel better was to eat a piece of eff-ing bread.

The reason I suspected the grain thing was because of the unique relationship that blood sugar has to our hormones. If we’re consuming carbohydrates at a faster rate than our bodies are utilizing them for energy, that extra glucose gets stored in the fat cells of the liver, which decreases its ability to breakdown excess estrogen, and allowing it to hang around in our systems longer than it should. This excess circulating estrogen causes a whole host of symptoms, including, you guessed it: mood swings, bloating, sluggish metabolism, tender breasts, fatigue, foggy thinking, PMS, and many more less-than-desirable issues. Now, these things can be exacerbated by stress (shocker), inadequate fat and protein intake, and environmental factors, all of which I was likely suffering from.

I set out by making a plan, since I know how hard it is to make positive changes without preparation. Instead of focusing on the all the things I wanted to reduce or eliminate, I focused on the foods I could have, foods higher in fat and protein, since I knew that those things would naturally elbow out the things I would normally fall back on (I’m looking at you, banana bread). I made a list that I could refer to when I was grocery shopping for ingredients. I cooked and froze things. I stocked the fridge and pantry. I was ready.

Within the first few days I already noticed a difference: my energy was incredibly stable, my emotions were in check, the bloating in my stomach dissipated, and I just felt good. As the days rolled on my compulsive urges to down half a dozen muffins subsided, and it was like I could clearly see that what I had actually been battling was blood sugar issues – not just “too many” grains or carbohydrates. It became clear that I had been taking my bod on a wild rollercoaster of high and low blood sugar for years, which had in turn been tossing my hormones around like a pair of sneakers in a washing machine. Stabilizing blood sugar is the first step in managing your endocrine’s system ability to do its job properly. I realized that if I was going to eat grains (or any carbohydrate-heavy food), I had to eat them in smaller amounts, balance them out thoughtfully with enough fat and protein, and make sure that I was actually using that energy instead of letting it sit around in my body. So far, things have been going incredibly well, and I am so darn proud of myself for not only identifying the issue, but actually doing something about it.

We are fluid beings with needs that evolve and change over time. Our diets need to reflect that, which is why it’s imperative to listen to our bodies and be advocates for our own health. No one knows your body better than you, and once you quiet all the noise out there telling you “how” to eat in black-and-white terms, you’ll be able to hear yourself, without judgement, and choose the way of eating that is just right for you, right now. It may be different tomorrow, and that is okay too. In sharing this all with you, I am trying to set an example, because you too have this intuition that is telling you just what you need to eat and do right now. It’s actually fun to be connected to yourself, your unique rhythms and needs. Learning about how you operate and designing a plan that caters to your exceptional self means that you can celebrate, instead of berate your body the whole month through, and experience pleasure in every stage of our cycle. I promise.

This is undoubtedly a huge topic, and one that I plan on chipping away at over the next few blog posts. Some things I want to reiterate here are, that I do not believe that grains or carbohydrates are bad. No natural food group should be vilified, just as no macronutrient should be either. If you’re thinking about giving up carbs, I’d advise you not to. Glucose, the sugar found in carbohydrates is your brain’s primary fuel source, and when consumed responsibly, carbs will help you on your wellness journey, not hinder you. I still stand behind each and every one of the recipes that I have created for this blog, the app, and both of my cookbooks, and I believe that they are appropriate for many people to enjoy. However at this stage of my life, some of the recipes do not serve my needs any longer, and I’ve had to make small changes to them, or put them on the shelf for another time. I’m okay with that.

Whew! Now for some notes on the recipe.

The base recipe for my Cinnamon Toast Crunch-inspired cereal is grain-free, but it does rely on almond flour, which can be expensive. If you can tolerate pseudo-grains, feel free to top up the base with buckwheat flour. This will bulk up the cereal considerably so you’ll have more for less money.

This cereal is r-i-c-h. You really only need a small amount to fuel you in the morning – not like the bottomless bowls of that we’re used to consuming in the morning without every really feeling satisfied, ya know what I mean? And paired with a luscious liquid like my Super Creamy Hemp Milk will keep you full for even longer, help stabilize your blood sugar, not to mention flood your bod with the delicate nutrients and powerful enzymes that store-bought, plant-based milk is missing. This recipe is dead simple and pretty much like cream – I shouldn’t even call it milk, since it’s so rich and thick. And since we’re thinking outside the cereal box here, don’t stop at breakfast…this milk is amazing in coffee and tea, in raw treats and baked goods, soup, smoothies, ice cream and popsicles. You’re gonna love it!

I made the cereal the first time with just almond flour and a full half-cup of applesauce. It was definitely delicious, but I loved it just as much when I cut this amount in half. If you don’t want all the sweetness, use just ¼ cup / 60ml of applesauce instead of the full amount. If you’re using buckwheat flour, you will need the full amount of the applesauce’s moisture to bind it all together. I haven’t tried a version without the coconut sugar, so if you’re not into that stuff feel free to play with the recipe on your own.

    Print recipe    

Grain-free / Gluten-free Cinnamon Crunch Cereal Makes 5-7 servings

Ingredients: ½ cup ground flax seeds / 50g 1 ½ cups / 150g blanched almond flour 1½ Tbsp. cinnamon ¼ tsp. fine sea salt ¼ cup / 35g coconut sugar ¼ cup / 60ml – ½ cup / 125ml applesauce (½ cup / 125ml if using buckwheat flour) 1 Tbsp. coconut oil, melted optional: ½ cup / 85g buckwheat flour

Directions: 1. Preheat oven to 325°F/160°C.

2. Combine the ground flax seeds, almond flour, cinnamon, salt, and sugar in a large mixing bowl. Stir well. Then add the desired amount of applesauce and coconut oil, and stir to fully incorporate (you made need to use your hands if it gets too dry). Gather dough into a rough ball.

3. Place dough ball on a sheet of baking paper with another sheet on top. Using a rolling pin, roll the dough as evenly as possible, about 2mm thickness (not quite paper thin). If you’re using buckwheat flour, you’ll need to separate the dough into two batches to achieve this. Remove top sheet of baking paper, and using a paring knife, score the dough into small squares of your desired size (mine were about 1.5cm / .5” square).

4. Place in the oven to bake for about approximately 25 minutes until turning golden around the edges, then turn the oven off and let the cereal sit in there until cool (this will help dry it out and make them extra crisp).

5. Once the cereal is completely cool, break up the pieces into squares and place in an airtight glass container. Store for up to one month at room temperature.

Super Creamy Hemp Milk Makes 1 liter / 1 quart

Ingredients: scant 4 cups / 1 liter water ¾ cup hulled hemp seeds / hemp hearts

Totally optional add-ins: sweetener (stevia, dates, honey, maple syrup…) vanilla sea salt raw cacao powder

Directions: 1. Place all ingredients in the blender and blend on high until smooth (this make take a couple minutes). 2. Pour directly into a sterilized bottle and store in the fridge for up to 5 days.

Initially, I was really afraid to come out about any of this stuff – the changes my diet is undergoing, the orthorexia, the internal voices! But I know in my gut that if I’m going through it, someone else out there is too. And the reason I wanted to start My New Roots in the first place was to create a safe space for everyone to share and support each other on our health journeys, so I have to be as transparent and honest as I feel I can be to set that example. I want to say a huge heartfelt thank-you to all of you who have stood by me all of these years and continue to do so. It feels pretty amazing to have you, and to be getting better all together.

In light and gratitude, Sarah B.

*****

Also… There’s one spot left for the upcoming retreat in Ibiza, click here to join me for a week of total inspiration and rejuvenation!

Source: https://www.mynewroots.org/site/2017/08/cinnamon-crunch-cereal-hemp-milk/