#the way i had to fight for my life for these... I'M FINE

[ghsface]

I knew it, i know you... - Matt Sturniolo

Sumary: You return to a place in the past, where memories and guilt haunt you as you find your ex, facing what you could never let go of.

Warnings: angst, break up, insecurities (on the part of the protagonist) guilt, no happy ending, I think that's all.

A/n: This is my first time writing angst, I really enjoyed doing it so I'll probably start writing more angst, I hope you like it and tell me what you think, I was inspired by one of my favorite songs by Gracie I hope you like it. by the way I'm sorry if there's something wrong or that you don't understand, my first language is not English.

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That night, the restaurant's atmosphere was familiar and welcoming, full of memories you'd rather leave buried. You were there, surrounded by your friends, laughing, talking, and trying to forget that this was the place you always came to with Matt. From the moment you walked through the door, you tried to focus on anything but the memories, knowing full well that something as simple as a glance at the corner where you used to sit could shatter you.

You laughed, enjoyed the dessert, and pretended that the empty chair in front of you didn't remind you of him, of Matt, the love of your life. The one you'd let go because you believed you didn't deserve the happiness he gave you. You'd been so trapped in your insecurities, in doubts you didn't even know how to express, that the only escape you found was to end the relationship. "It's better this way," you told yourself. "It's the best for both of us." You kept repeating to yourself

As your friends began to gather their things and pay their bills, you knew the night was coming to an end and you couldn't help but feel a certain anxiety. They apologized for having to leave, and you smiled at them in an attempt at reassurance. "I'm fine, girls. Enjoy your night." And as soon as they left, you were left alone, wondering if you should also pay your bill and leave to avoid any chance of running into him.

But that was when you saw him. Or rather, you saw them. First it was Nick, who recognized you instantly and gave you a look that you pretended not to notice. He looked away, but you knew he had seen you. However, the illusion of being invisible crumbled when you looked up again and your eyes met Chris, who was now also watching you. You tried to concentrate on your dessert, as if you were suddenly on a mission to finish it as quickly as possible, while feeling the weight of their gazes.

Finally, it was Matt who looked at you. You knew it without even looking up. His presence was unmistakable, the same effect he had on you before, only now it was accompanied by a pang of pain and shame. His eyes were on you, but there was no such sparkle as before, that spark that once made you feel like the most important person in his world...

You sighed, putting the spoon aside and taking a break. You needed air. You calmly stood up and headed to the bathroom, forcing yourself not to turn around or look at him. As you walked, memories began to come back, and it was as if the bathroom became a portal to all those things you thought you had overcome. You closed your eyes and suddenly you were there again, on that first day.

Flashbacks...

It was summer, just another day in the park where you spent hours talking. Matt seemed anxious, and you, without knowing why, felt that nervousness reflected in you.

“I’ve been thinking…” Matt paused, staring at your intertwined hands, then looked up to meet yours. “I don’t want to think anymore. Just… will you be my girlfriend?”

A blush had crept up your face, and you were surprised by the intensity with which you had responded.

“Yeah. Of course I will, Matt.” A nervous laugh escaped your lips, and he hugged you, so tightly that it made you feel like you would never need anything else.

The memory changed, and suddenly you were in his living room, fighting in an impromptu pillow fight, laughing like never before, while Chris and Nick complained about the noise from the kitchen.

“Come on, Matt!” you yelled, throwing a pillow at him. “Is that all you got?”

“You think so? Start running babe,” he replied, his mischievous smile lighting up his face as he dodged another blow and lunged at you, trapping you in his arms. The warmth of his hands on your shoulders and the laughter you shared filled the room with an energy that only existed between the two of you.

But then, the memory quickly changed. It was him, frowning, looking at you with concern. “What’s wrong? Why are you so distant?” he asked you sweetly and with a hint of desperation. And you, instead of opening up, lowered your head and muttered a “It’s nothing” that tasted like a lie.

He asked you the same thing over and over again. “It hurts me to see you like this, but… I don’t know how to help you if you don’t tell me.” He said with pain in his voice

You couldn't give him an answer, and the frustration in his eyes became unbearable. He had always tried to be there, but you were sinking into a confusion and despair that you didn't know how to explain.

"Matt..." you had murmured, looking at him without words, knowing that every second of silence hurt more than anything else you could say. He took your hands, trying to comfort you, but the weight of your own thoughts was like a barrier you couldn't cross.

Despite his attempts, his tenderness, his patience, you sank into your own insecurities, building a wall that he never managed to tear down.

The last day you saw him, the day everything broke, was engraved in your memory like an open wound. He was standing in front of you, his eyes full of pain, but you stood firm.

"I can't keep doing this to you," you had said, as if it were the easiest thing in the world. He stayed silent, as if those words were a blow to his stomach.

“Really? That easy for you?” he said, and his voice was a mix of disbelief and sadness.

You distanced yourself from him, unable to bear the pain you caused, but you knew you couldn’t keep dragging him down with you. You couldn’t keep making him suffer for something you didn’t even know how to explain.

“Yes, Matt. I’m sorry, but I have to,” you said, and as he remained silent, you let him go.

Then, the inevitable. You ignored his calls, his texts, and not just his, but also those from Chris and Nick, your best friends. You didn’t want to face them, what you had done, the guilt you felt. You chose silence as a refuge, despite knowing how much it hurt them.

End of flashbacks…

You took a deep breath, opening your eyes, trying to stifle the memories. You left the bathroom and, just as you tried to go back to your table, you heard Nick’s voice calling you.

“Hey! It’s you!”

You turned around, feigning forced surprise. “Oh, Nick! Hi!”

“I can’t believe you’re here,” Chris said, joining the conversation, as if it were the most normal thing in the world. But there was an intensity in his words that made you hesitate.

“Yeah, well… coincidence, I guess,” you replied, laughing nervously. You avoided looking at Matt, who was silent, staring at his glass as if it were the only thing in the world.

Nick smiled at you, approaching you with that warmth you had always appreciated in him. “How have you been?” Chris asked, trying to keep the conversation going.

“Fine, just… living life, I guess,” I replied, the words coming out almost without thinking.

Matt was still sitting in his chair, making no move to talk to you. You felt the weight of his indifference, and an unbearable guilt enveloped you. How could you do this to him? How could you leave without giving him a chance to understand?

You began to chat casually, as if it were a reunion between old friends and not a constant reminder of unhealed wounds. You felt the topic everyone wanted to avoid was obvious.

Matt, however, remained silent, barely looking at you. You knew he was aware of your presence, but he didn't say a word to you. Guilt weighed on your chest, every second intensifying the pain you had tried to bury.

After a while, the atmosphere began to become uncomfortable. You smiled at them and excused yourself, trying to escape from that place that seemed to collapse on you, knowing that it was time to leave. You walked to the cashier, paid your bill, and before leaving, you turned to look at them one last time.

There was Matt, with those eyes that always seemed capable of seeing beyond your words. In that look, full of sadness and nostalgia, you understood that the wound would never completely heal. Those eyes that loved you, that once were everything to you, were now filled with a sadness that you could never erase.

You knew that you would never forgive yourself for what you had done, you would never forgive yourself for what you did, but deep down, you knew that maybe you couldn't have done it any other way, you had done it for him, for yourself. Still, the pain was still there, like a constant echo. And when you left, a part of you was left behind, lost in the memory of what could have been.

You'll never be able to let Matt go. And maybe, he won't either.

You left the restaurant, taking with you the echo of their glances, the memories, and the weight of a story that, one way or another, would always remain unfinished.

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your reblogs and replies are always appreciated dearly, and feel free to leave a request ✮

Tags... @matthewsroses @dominicfikeenthusiast @louipartridge @sophand4n4 @bsturnzmtt <3

[purpledemonlilyposting]

Did you see Courtney’s stream yesterday? In short she thinks you’re only causing more harm than good to the Lily situation by making so much of it about her anime takes rather than focusing on her being a groomer and pedo

It's best to leave Courtney alone right now. She's upset I was procrastinating on doing a react to Joon's video and I didn't realize how much she had her heart set on that or how upset she was until after she left my Discord server. I did try to apologize for that.

However I think she's under the mistaken impression that Lily's latest video is actually about media literacy. But it's not. It's just a backdoor way to bitch about Ant, Crim and me.

In fact ALL of Lily's videos are like that. Once you notice the pattern you can't unsee it. Her videos have never actually been about media. They've been about weird, specific things Lily believes, or annoy her or things she gets criticized for that she tries to paint as some kind of universal problem in order to justify it to herself. Everything always comes back to her. And it does make her tell on herself pretty often.

Like her saying "People are SO STUPID that whenever they see close siblings in media they think "incest", this is all because parents are neglectful and don't interfere when siblings fight!" translated to normal people speak that's just Lily complaining that people call out the obvious incest undertones in her stories and bitching about her parents and child psychiatrists again. It's always the same bullshit.

At any rate what else can I do but call out Lily telling on herself and shine a spotlight on her? I can't get her arrested. And I still have a channel to run and my own life to worry about.

But I'm not taking anything from Courtney personally. If she wants to reach out at some point in the future that's fine.

[exocynraku]

i finished star, so here's my opinions on the book and ASC as a whole; (spoilers!!! obviously!!!)

star was... mediocre HEAVILY leaning bad. i felt like every single conversation until the last couple of chapters was either an arguement or cats calling out to eachother while fighting. i truly think this book highlights how 90% of the time these cats are so delusionally stupid. riverclan willingly following splashtail because they thought he could make the group stronger was so, so stupid. like, i get what they're trying to do, the kin and misttstar/reedwhisker's deaths DID suck for the group, so obviously they'd want to be strong. but did seriously no one go "erm... guys... this Might be a bad idea.." when he started threatening people and kits and making them fight with their claws? "oh but they were scared from the threats" Riverclan, excluding we'll say splashtail, berryheart, podlight, fognose and brackenpelt (who i think were the two exiled? i literally just read the book and i already can't remember) is EIGHTEEN to FIVE. seriously? and if we was threatening kits if they tried to fight back, couldn't you just... devise a plan to get the kits out before attacking? it just felt like such a shambled together plot. and further switching it, pretending they were ONLY fighting splashtail, he's even MORE outnumbered. if you're worried about him coming back to life after dying, just... kill him again! it's so egregious. i'm not going to lie to you guys, so little this arc made sense plot wise with what happened with riverclan and shadowlcna's conflict. this series bring the clans' xenophobia to another LEVEL, highlighting it in a way that shows how seriously stupid it is. there is quite literally ZERO! reason for the clans to dislike each other other than the idea of """loyalty""". i don't really know how to tell you guys! but you are all exactly the same! if anyone had a brain larger than a pea, riverclan would've willingly accepted help from shadowclan and had been FINE! mistystar and reedwhisker's deaths may have been the catalyst, but it was the clans own prejudice against each other that caused riverclan to have a genuine problem. the clans have, very easily, come together before to help eachother or fell a common enemy. it keeps happening! that's been a plot point of so many of the recent arcs! as i've grown up (i read a lot of wc when i was a kid), i've seriously reailzed how EASY it would be for the clans to stop having issues if they stopped having this loyalty complex. so many character decisions are completely illogical once you actually think about them. okay, back to the book. i... didn't really like splashtail's arc of taking over shadowclan? solely from a quality-of-writing standpoint, not really the plot exactly. something about it just felt so weird, in a way i can't explain? i'm not sure. (1/?, see reblogs)

[orangepanic]

Why do you think that Asami has no friends at the beginning? With Korra it’s because she grew up in isolation and with Mako and Bolin it’s because they were homeless- but why doesn’t Asami have any friends? A girl like her should’ve had a million friends

First of all, bless you, anon. I'd literally opened up a window to talk to some friends about how alone in fandom I feel these days because so many people have moved on or stopped creating and interacting. Then I saw this message! Don't underestimate how motivating it is to get asks about characters and headcanons, or even just to know someone else is interested in your thoughts and wants to talk about mutual interests. You really brightened my day. I hope I can do the same.

As for Asami, I have three theories. The most likely and most boring of these is that it's simply convenience on the part of the writers. In book 1 we didn't see much of her personal life outside of interacting with the Krew so there was no need to waste precious screen time on Asami's other friends. After the show got renewed the writers had to scramble for reasons Asami would still be around - because let's face it, who winds up hanging out with your ex and the girl he left you for as your main friend group? IMO there's zero reason for Asami to be in the show after the first season if she has other friends and sources of support.

A more interesting proposition and the one I mostly go with in my own fics is that Asami did have other friends initially, but that they all abandoned her after her father's arrest. She'd have gone to a fancy private school full of other rich kids with other rich and important parents who'd know that a connection to the daughter of a convicted felon was now social suicide. Suddenly nobody returns her calls, everyone is busy, that invite to Su Li Lim's party happens to go astray, etc. With so many social doors now shut to her, hanging out with the former Fire Ferrets makes more sense. She might even do it initially out of spite in a "well FINE, I'm gonna go be important to the Avatar and go fight crime and be awesome" kind of way.

My last theory is that Hiroshi Sato didn't really let Asami have friends. Acquaintances, sure, but he wouldn't want her growing too close to any dangerous benders and there wasn't an easy way to do this without it being obvious that's what he's doing so he didn't let her grow close to anyone. I think of this as the Victorian novel scenario where Asami is disincentivized from doing kid stuff to "take care of father" and from an early age assumes some of the duties her mom had taken on in terms of household management. She's somehow always too busy for friends. When the class field trip comes around her dad needs her for something important. This might also explain how an 18-year-old thought they were qualified to be CEO of a huge company. She's already managing half the staff at the estate as well as the vendor contracts. How hard could it be?

But what do you think?

[deadboydetectives-confessions]

I was going to leave it because it's none of my business what other people headcanon, but it's annoying me now (partly because I, like Edwin, very much prefer reading and using logic rather than sport r physical combat and I am very offended by the implication that that means there's no way I could also be physically fit - I'm not but I could be, regardless of where my interests lie), so I'll just say: there's no canonical reason why Edwin can't have muscles. I think the main reason people assume he doesn't is because he's 'stereotypical nerdy boy', which is a really reductive viewpoint to begin with because Edwin is a complex and multifaceted character whose main selling point is not, as some seem to believe, that he likes books - but even if it was, that doesn't mean he has to be unfit. Books are heavy. If Edwin's anything like me, which I think it is fair to assume since one of the only glimpses we have of his past is him reading to try and ignore everyone, he probably spent much of his life carrying around books.

Plus, people tend to assume that Edwin wasn't very sporty, and no, he probably didn't enjoy it - but that doesn't mean he didn't play them. I doubt he got much of a choice. He probably had to do cross country running at school, plus I would be shocked if he hasn't played cricket and/or rugby there. Maybe he wouldn't have been on the school team, but he'd at least have been taught how. Also, as a school for military children during wartime, I think it entirely reasonable to assume that St Hilarion's had a big focus physical strength and any other skills that might be considered necessary for fighting in a war (based on the standards of warfare pre-WW1, as that marked a massive shift in the style of war for which no one was properly prepared).

This isn't to mention everything he went through trying to escape Hell, since you could argue that all the running and tearing apart of brick walls he did in there wouldn't have impacted his physique since he was already dead.

Obviously it's perfectly fine to headcanon Edwin as not being particularly strong or well-built, you could also justify that idea, that it's not the only option. There are plenty of perfectly legitimate reasons why Edwin might be physically fit. I'm tired of the stereotype that nerds can't have muscles.

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[imthepunchlord]

Do you think that Claw Noir would be a better character than Adrien cause from what I'm remembering Claw Noir seems more involved with his plot than Adrien ever is.

To my knowledge, that's not true. They gave very little details on Shadybug and Claw Noir's world, and what's given is just... conflicting. But I don't remember it's revealed that Emodrien is more involved in his own plot, he's just playing villain instead of playing hero, acting out his frustrations instead of bottling them (like despite being good, Gabriel is still a terrible father? Apparently?).

Either way, to get to the answer, it depends on if you want a changed dynamic for the leads and your preferences.

There is some merit to doing Emodrien over Adrien.

Adrien, by narrative set up, is meant to rebel against his father. He should reach a point of "enough is enough". Why, in Origins, he's rebelling against his father, running away twice to go to school. And then there's Simon Says where he's not so welcoming of his father's hug and relief for his safety.

But it never bears fruit.

To do Emodrien would work off Adrien rebelling against his father at the start, to show that he's had enough, he's going to do his own thing.

Emodrien would also work off Ladybug having a dicey partner. Adrien cares enough to help out as a hero and work with LB, but clearly not that much given he'll be a brat during a fight when she upsets him and won't shape up until he receives an apology, will detransform during a flood to demand answers instead going about and helping those caught up in the flood waters, actively checking to see if someone's going to be akumatized so he can see his crush, will prank her in the middle of an akuma fight, and won't go out to help in fights because he's bummed about his partner working with other heroes.

It really shows the Miraculous it meant to be used with duty, goodness, and responsibility in mind, it's meant to be used to be a fun outlet for him, to exist outside his father and pressure in civilian life; which would've been fine at the start but it would also need to be addressed.

It wasn't.

So Claw Noir could better work off Ladybug having an unreliable Cat as a partner. He's here to lash out, pull pranks, mess with her and Hawk Moth, and just be a neutral wildcard who will help Ladybug when it suits him (as Hawk Moth is also after him), otherwise he's not into this hero business, too much work. He doesn't want more work or pressure on him. No thank you. But he'll take pleasure in ruining his own face cause that's not his look anymore. Extra bonus it pisses his dad off.

If going a route that characters are expected to have growth and evolve, Emodrien has a more defined path to take for himself than Adrien does. Not to say Adrien doesn't, but it's not well defined. Like, Origins set ups wanting friends, but we never see him engage in friendship, or with others that's not Nino, Chloe, or Marinette, and then Party Crasher everyone is just friends with him. He could have a route of learning to be a hero, but they never take that path. You got the set up of his father being the villain but he's just not involved in plot. So Adrien's just kinda aimless.

Now for Emodrien, he's at a stage learning to live for himself, but it's more centered around his grief, anger, and frustration, so his path is learning to get past those emotions, to expand the world outside of himself, to bring color and warmth into his life and not the coldness of monochrome.

And there's the bonus that he's more set up to be involved in his own plot, because he's more against Gabriel, so when he finds that book in Volpina, s2 would definitely be more around the truth that Gabriel is Hawk Moth. And Emodrien may have a decent enough reason to drag this revelation through s2, cause he's pissed at his dad, but he also still loves his dad. So, what does he do with this information? However it goes, s2 would probably be a reveal between Agrestes, and the crossroads they'd find themselves at.

Another big appeal is how this would effect the Love Square.

For one thing, for those that don't ship it, this is in the realm of possibility to just have it not be, cause Emodrien is in a bad spot emotionally and Marinette I don't see all that impressed or happy with either side of him.

For those that do, you're hitting the breaks and set up to get a more gradual and cohesive romance. Marinette is set up, at some point, to learn the reason behind Emodrien/Claw's actions, and because she's empathetic, will open her up to trying to bond and connect with him.

And Emodrien is still Adrien at the core, he's just Adrien letting all those ugly and frustrated feelings out instead of bottling them. And you can set up that he's going to be drawn to her still, and thanks to the Special, we can go either route.

He could come to like Marinette because she's animated and spirited, literally a source of color to his monochrome life. I can't say how Emodrien is as a civilian as we don't get to see how he is, but assuming he's at least brooding and not going out his way to pick on others, Marinette should be open minded, friendly, and inclusive. And Emodrien is still a lonely boy, so he appreciates the gestures.

For Claw Noir, you can work off that he does have fun messing with her, but there is some admiration to her passion and resolve, and he doesn't want to see her fail or hurt. And for all of her annoyances at him and nagging, she does keep a look out for him, helps him with needing to be asked, and will just have his back. And just to be decent, he'll extend his own claws to help, as needed. And gradually, he becomes the shadow that follows light.

[naamahdarling]

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[elviraaxen]

I'm probably not the first to admit this but goddamn was I a narcissistic prick when I wasn't on stimulants

[didnt-hear-cold-as-you-live]

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[moe-broey]

It's not even that I believe I'll die young it's more like I just genuinely feel like I don't have a place in the world. Like. What now lmfao

[pastelwitchling]

Even without accounting for the AWOL of it all, I think its pretty clear Michael never asked Alex to stay, so I really don't get all the blame heaped on him for not staying. Alex made a life for himself outside of the town that treated him badly, he had a career where he was respected and escaped his abusive home. Was he just supposed to give all that up for someone who couldn't even say goodbye the day he left and who never once changed in ten years?? Michael started his "walking bar fight" phase while Alex was still around, what reason would Alex have to think Michael would suddenly stop if he decided to give everything up and stay in Roswell?? I just really don't get the expectation that Alex was supposed to be the one to upend his entire life to be with someone who never once gave any indication he'd be willing to do the same if he stayed.

I can't even count the number of arguments I've had on this front. The fact that Alex was punished over and over for not staying, but honestly? Why would he? I love Michael, but he was not without his flaws.

I know that if I loved someone who had been beaten the way Michael had when we were first found together, and then he mocked me every time I was afraid of my own abuser for years after, I wouldn't feel safe with him. I understand Michael felt abandoned, I really do, but does that change the fact that he never once asked Alex to stay? Does it change the fact that he never showed so much as an ounce of sympathy towards Alex's feelings concerning his father? Or a sense of compassion for the fact that Alex lived under a man who watched him like a hawk and judged him on every move?

Forgetting that this wasn't Alex's foster father, it wasn't someone who he knew wasn't family. This was Alex's actual dad, and he was punished for wanting his own dad to love him? For being unable to help but earn his approval? I get how Alex leaving hurt, but I also struggle to understand why he should've stayed in the first place. Did Michael ever once show him that he was a safe space for Alex to escape to if he ever did manage to get away from his dad? His options stayed either his father, the only connection to his mother and his family and the only home he'd ever known, and a cowboy who scoffs at him when he's afraid and acts like he really couldn't care less when he leaves.

Before anyone comes at me either, answer me this;

Did Michael ever so much as say the word, wait?

Did Michael ever say the words, That must've been tough?

Did Michael ever say, I want to know you?

Did Michael ever ask Alex why he keeps leaving?

Did Michael ever tell Alex it was okay?

Did Michael ever tell him he could keep him safe?

Did Michael ever tell him he loved him?

Did Michael ever tell him he liked him?

I rest my case.

[featherymainffins]

I thought I would walk some additional 14 km today and thus burn my accidental lunch (caved into peer pressure and went to a restaurant and had a salad instead of eating my perfectly counted can of tuna) and as such I agreed to go have breakfast with some friends tomorrow to celebrate the end of the excursion.

But I did not walk those 14 km because I wasn't able to get water + I just finished 12 hours of lectures + my arches were killing me + it was raining + I wanted to shower + I wanted to study + I was fucking freezing.

Which means I have to punish myself for my lack of discipline and I also have to make up for the food and that means I CANNOT have that breakfast. In fact I cannot have anything. For 2 days. Just to be sure.

So now I'm trying to figure out what lie I can make up. Currently thinking about saying that I just started to feel really nauseous all of a sudden and as such I unfortunately cannot eat breakfast oopsie. It feels really random and not really believable though.

[secondpersonpoetry]

Franziska Linkerhand, Brigitte Reimann

[kira-akira]

What I Want You To Know About Long COVID

Well lads, I've been suffering from Long COVID for over a year now. My life is at a complete standstill. I'm 25 years old and I'm too sick to go back to school, I can't work, I had to move back in with my parents and I'm still stuck here.

Here are just a few things I wish people knew about Long COVID, including things I didn't know myself until I got it.

COVID destroys your immune system. Yes, even if you don't have Long COVID. Are you getting sick more often now? When you get sick, does it last longer? There are many studies showing that COVID causes t cell depletion, even in mild COVID cases! T cells are how your body remembers how to fight off infections you've had before so losing those cells? Bad news.

Your initial infection can be mild and you can still get Long COVID. Right from Yale Medicine, "Most people with Long COVID had mild acute COVID." (This is also a good link for a basic Long COVID overview).

There can be a gap of time between when you "get better" from the initial COVID infection to the onset of Long COVID symptoms. Some people get sick with an initial COVID infection and never get better. Some get better and then weeks or months later start developing Long COVID symptoms. Long COVID symptoms can even fluctuate over time, can go away for months and then suddenly come back.

So many people have Long COVID and don't realize it. Do you feel more tired lately but no matter how much you sleep, nothing helps? Is it harder to concentrate at work or school? Can you just not think like you used to? You could have Long COVID and not even know it. Even mild post-COVID symptoms are still Long COVID.

COVID can do anything to your body. Long COVID has over 200 recognized symptoms and can affect basically any part or system of your body. There is no one mechanism or cause of Long COVID which unfortunately also means there's no one cure either.

The effects of COVID are cumulative. Each COVID reinfection increases your chances of developing Long COVID. COVID is also affecting your body in other ways, yes, even if you're otherwise young and healthy! "Repeat COVID-19 infections increase risk of organ failure, death".

Once you have Long COVID, repeat COVID infections will make your symptoms worse. "80% [of Long COVID patients] saw their symptoms worsen [from reinfection]. In 60% of people who were in recovery or remission from Long COVID, reinfection caused a recurrence of Long COVID."

There is a lot more I want to say about Long COVID but I want to keep this post at least somewhat manageable to read. Like how when COVID is contracted during pregnancy, those COVID-exposed fetuses have a 6.3-fold increased risk of motor developmental delays, or that another study found 50% of babies exposed to COVID in utero had developmental delays.

You need to keep caring about COVID, for others around you and also for yourself even if you're "healthy". Everyone is at risk. And don't forget 40-60% of COVID infections are asymptomatic, which is why masking even if you feel fine is crucial. The only way right now to not get Long COVID is to not get COVID in the first place. It's not too late, if you've stopped masking it's never too late to start again! I know it's easy to get distracted by things in your life that seem more real than the possibility of getting sick some time in the future, and the peer pressure to not mask can be intense. But it only feels less real or less important until your entire life is having Long COVID. Trust me.

I know this is a complicated issue, many people can't afford to stay home when sick even if they want to because of their jobs, there are disgusting policies trying to ban wearing masks, but please if you can. Keep masking. Masking works, masking saves lives.

This post got a bit longer than I wanted so below the cut is a non-exhaustive list of my Long COVID symptoms and some of my experiences as one of the "healthy young people" who got "unlucky". cw brief mention of suicidal ideation.

Welcome to the Thunderdome that is my body with Long COVID. Keep in mind these are just my experiences and symptoms, Long COVID can cause any range of symptoms at varying severities.

Dysautonomia: Exercise intolerance, Post-Exertional Malaise (PEM), fatigue, and heat intolerance. What do those things mean? Here's some specific examples. Absolutely terrible circulation I am so cold all the time but also, if I get a little too warm I will pass out. Eating hot food makes my heart rate spike, I sweat, my body feels heavy. Blood pooling and pins and needles in my feet when I walk. Don't even think about exercising past walking, it's impossible. I used to work out an hour a day 4 times a week and now walking up one flight of stairs makes my heart pound and I can't breathe. Can't take even just warm showers anymore or I will pass out. Heat rashes from being in the sun for 10 minutes.

Digestive issues: Honestly too many to name but: constant bloating, extreme nausea, constipation, slow motility, lack of appetite, just so much cramping and pain. I lost 18 pounds from Long COVID, as someone who was already considered underweight their entire life, and almost had to get a shunt put into my chest to deliver nutrients because I was nearly completely unable to eat. For the first 6 months of Long COVID, if I could manage 600 calories a day, that was a good day.

Histamine intolerance: Oh boy. My worst symptoms, I don't even know where to start with it. If you know Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS) it's very similar. I can only eat 19 foods. If i eat a single bite of something not on that list, it's 48 hours of absolute hell. Coughing, migraines, itchy eyes, such extreme nausea I cannot even describe it, panic/feeling of doom, racing heart rate, derealization, rash, uncontrollable muscle tremors. I only learned about histamine intolerance 5 months into having Long COVID so before that, I was experiencing these symptoms nearly every single day. Terrifying isn't even a strong enough word to describe how it felt to experience all this and have no idea what it was, how to stop it, or if it would ever stop. Really dark times.

Neurological issues: More of that derealization. Inability to concentrate. Anxiety. OCD-like symptoms such as thoughts getting "stuck" in my head, repeating 24/7 completely unable to stop them, genuinely felt like my brain had cracked open and I had lost my mind. Constant dizziness like I'm on a boat.

Sleep issues: I sleep like garbage. I have insomnia, I wake up dozens of times every night and every single time I sleep I have intensely vivid dreams. I can't sleep longer than 7 hours total no matter how exhausted I am. It is exhausting. I'm exhausted, I'm so so tired.

And finally. Just. Really intense suicidal ideation. My body, my health, my entire life has been stolen from me because someone else decided my life was worth less to them than wearing a mask or staying home if they feel sick. Before I got Long COVID, I was preparing to go to South Korea to teach English, then on to a PhD in neurolinguistics, I was supposed to meet my long distance partner and had already booked plane tickets when I got sick. All of that has been destroyed.

Most of us with Long COVID are stuck in a cycle of being extremely sick, then if you're lucky you'll slowly get better over months, just to get reinfected and go right back where you started or worse. Honestly, I'm not scared of dying from COVID. I'm scared of living for a long time, suffering from Long COVID the entire time. This isn't living.

I don't know how to end this now. I'm still fighting, I'm trying experimental treatments, I'm not giving up yet. I hope everyone reading this stays healthy and well.

[usuallydyinginside]

TLDR: Francesca Bridgerton is Autistic. Fight me.

Okay so I did not go into Season 3 of Bridgerton expecting to have any feelings about Francesca Bridgerton. We have seen her only in glimpses in the show and I have not read the books, so I knew basically nothing about her before binging the first four episodes.

But guys. GUYS. I will die for this autistic queen.

Okay, so starting with first impressions. We know that on her big day, Francesca went out of her way to avoid her nosy, loud family by having a very early, quiet breakfast by herself and then calming down via playing the piano (clearly a special interest of hers).

In her first balls, we see Francesca light up any time she talks about music (clearly her current or forever special interest) but as soon as men try to take it to a flirting place she IMMEDIATELY shuts down. It's clear that even as she states very matter-of-factly that she plans to marry this season, she also is baffled and uncomfortable any time someone tries to actually, ya know, court her.

At one of her first shindigs, she got attention and then went up to her brother and (while making almost no eye contact) told him (rather than asked him) that she needed a sec.

She then sat by herself in the side of the ballroom.

Later on, she left a ball in search of quiet and solitude to fix her sensory overload, so she went outside this time. (A thing that we know from pervious seasons is a HUGE no-no, particularly unchaperoned. But she was very respectfully near the door so maybe that's fine?) The point is that she cares very much about staying respectable so she can get this marriage thing over with and get people to stop perceiving her, yet she risks some scandal by going outside just so she can be somewhere quiet alone.

Enter: this absolute (also autistic) Prince Charming.

He says hello (so she knows he's not like trying to sneak up on her in the dark like a creep) and then just stands there. 10/10, no notes, best way to flirt I have ever seen in my life.

Seriously just look at this. I'm in love. Never before has there been a greater sign of love at first sight than in this "standing politely five feet apart in total silence in the middle of a ball and enjoying each other's company."

I need to go watch these first four episodes about a hundred more times, but I THINK this might be the first sincere smile we see from Francesca??!? I at least got the impression immediately that this is the first time she's felt genuinely comfortable and happy while not entirely alone this season.

Like, these nerds did not even exchange names. They barely exchanged a word. Yet you can see them falling head over heels in love right there in that moment. I don't even LIKE love at first sight tropes and they have my whole heart. They are the only exception.

Then, of course, you have this second absolutely iconic Scene of Silence where the entire Bridgerton family stares in neurotypical confusion a these two amazing weirdos. The way these two do not know each other but they DO know each other. The way they are both so happy and so comfortable but also still playing the whole society game the way they were told they had to?? I just don't have words right now.

LOOK AT HER SMILE, GUYSSSSSSSS.

Look how happy this tiny, silent moment is making her. How she understands immediately what he's doing and is absolutely delighted to participate too even knowing her entire family is hardcore judging them from not that far away.

And then you get this smug little look from him and it's like you can see his autistic ass thinking, "Yes. I calculated correctly. This was the correct romance option. Gold star to me." (Okay, maybe that's just how my brain works but shhhhh)

Which, of course, brings us to this absolutely hilariously awkward ND attempt at flirting. We start off with some fairly normal "whoops, I'm flustered cause you make me nervous" sort of moments, but notice how little eye contact she makes. How she only looks in his eyes very briefly and it seems like she almost has to remind herself to do so when she's doing the "polite" answers (OR later when she's genuinely interested in a topic).

So as soon as Francesca is like "oh shit, I ruined it. I forgot how to neurotypical. It's over" then she loses patience with the practiced social niceties.

I spent like 30 minutes trying to find a GIF and I should already be asleep so I'm not going to go learn how to make one BUT I needed to look up exactly what happens next cause it's basically the most autistic thing I've ever seen.

WHICH IS that in response to the second awkward silence after Francesca shares all of this, John's response is, "That is helpful. If you'll excuse me."

Then dude bro just WALKS AWAY WITHOUT ANOTHER WORD.

Like it would be awkward anyway but now Francesca thinks she misread a social cue so she's feeling sad, and meanwhile this absolute king is over here on a romantic mission no one asked him to do because he is that set on showing her he's listening and cares.

The man shows up at the ball and as soon as he had a paper we were all screaming "he wrote her a song!!!"

Again, notice the eye contact (or lack thereof). I think with period dramas and women, it's easy to just go "oh she's just shy" or "she's just being demure like she's supposed to" but like NO. This girl does not want to meet anyone's eyes.

Until she does. Because in moments where she's talking about music or enjoying quiet, it's worth it to purposefully meet his eyes and see how he's feeling too. To make sure he can see she's happy.

ANYWAY, it was so much better than him writing a song for her.

SO. MUCH. BETTER.

Because he didn't just give her any ol' music. He sought out the music they'd specifically heard in the street, and he took her exact specifications on what was "wrong" with the music, and he FIXED IT. He then put the whole thing on sheet music and handed her a copy with no further explanation than this.

Our autistic lass was so excited she basically sprinted out of that ball so she could find a piano. (Which, the fact that she does this rather than try to stay and flirt/dance with the man who just gave her this incredible gift ALSO says a lot, just saying. Daphne could never.)

So our girl finds a piano and GUYS. LOOK AT HOW HAPPY SHE IS.

I'm pretty sure this woman would accept a proposal right this second. Maybe make one herself. She is so head over heels in love with this man that it's absurd. We have watched her mask in these first four episodes, but the last two where she's interacting with John are the first times she seems genuinely happy and like the real her is shining through.

Like, does she enjoy her family? Sure. But it's obvious (and she even tells us) that she finds them overwhelming and generally to be A Lot. But these scenes? This gesture?

You can just get how seen she feels. How weird and wild and amazing it is to her that this man can see who she actually is and wants to join her there instead of making her play some part of the perfect Bridgerton who likes to be the center of attention.

(And even here - the EYE CONTACT. She glances at people when she's talking to them, but the way she looks at the sheet music is so much more intense and intimate and personal than anytime she's looking at the average person in the show. She still even in places she's most comfortable, such as sitting at the piano, makes very little eye contact and only at very specific moments.)

Anyway I'm going to sleep now but I'm sure I'll add more thoughts as they come to me. Feel free to add your own case for why Francesca is autistic and/or otherwise neurodivergent. I want to hear allllllll the thoughts.

[radiance1]

"Danny!" Danny turned around to find Plasmius, gunning straight for him on his motorbike, and came to a quick stop as if he wasn't about to run him over. "You need to keep your alternative self on a leash. You hear me?"

Danny took one long sip of his tea, staring Plasmius straight in the eyes, savored the taste for a moment before swallowing. "Nuh uh."

"What do you mean 'Nuh uh'!?"

"Nuh uh."

Plasmius straight up hissed, red eyes glowing from beyond his pair of sunglasses as he stared the teenager down. "Do you know how many times he's woken me up, before the sun itself is up, just to annoy me into spending valuable hours of my time with him!?"

Danny took another sip of his tea, reaching a hand under his shirt to scratch his stomach. "That sounds like a you problem, really."

"Da-"

"You know he's also made from you right? If I had to fight him, you're going to be annoyed by him." Danny stated plainly, making a gesture with his thermos. "Also, it's a bonus for me since you're too busy to do your frootloop things-"

Plasmius grabbed Danny by the back of his shirt and wrinkled his nose. "You really need to get better pajamas than a simple shirt and oversized pants." He placed the boy under his arm and took the sky. Danny idly shifted to Phantom as he took another sip. "So like, where're you taking me?"

"To go and put stop to that imbecile."

"You know I had plans today."

"Ice cream for a month, all from my card."

Phantom humed. "Make it two."

"Deal."

Phantom flexed his fingers. "...Three..."

"Doable."

"Oh, you're actually serious about this."

A drive later

You see, Dan was having the time of his life. Strongarming that old man at the asscrack of dawn, driving to Metroplis and causing mass amounts of property damage with the crown jewel being that he got to chase around Superman in an attempt to run him over.

He should've expected something to go wrong.

One moment, he was casually minding his business, trying to trample one of the Earth's greatest heroes under his motorbike. The next he was nearly knocked off of it when something slammed into him.

"Ello." Phantom said calmly, as if he wasn't just thrown by Plasmius right into his alternative self from a future that no longer exists. "Twerp." Dan also said 'calmly' as he grabbed onto Phantom and lifted him off of him.

Then dropped him.

Superman was very quick to catch the boy. "Thanks." Phantom said, and Superman smiled. "You're welcome! Are you here to pick him up now, or are you just waiting?"

"I'm getting three months worth of ice cream if I stop him now so like, pick him up I guess."

Superman help him up under the armpits and faced him towards Dan. "He's here to pick you up, by the way!"

"I fucking heard that!" Dan shouted at Superman before turning his attention to Phantom. "Also, what the fuck! You can't just do that! Did that old fuck put you up to this!?"

"Whaaaat? Noooo, he would neveeer..." Phantom glanced around, looking for Plasmius before clicking his tongue. There was an unfortunate lack of said halfa to throw under the bus. "If you stop for like, now, I'll share some of my ice cream with you."

Dan genuinely considered this proposal. "Know what, fine." He yanked Phantom from Superman's hold and dropped him onto the seat beside him before driving away.

"Enjoy your ice cream!" Superman shouted.

"Shut the fuck up boy scout!" Dan shouted back.