#the way he's gonna do that? pretending the decepticons kidnapped his kids and that he's a victim. wish him luck.

[sunnyashe]

part 1, part 2

*conversation wherein Jazz starts needling Soundwave, resulting in him trying to use Megatron's defection as leverage*

[evilsciencebros]

Agathrights: This local bug literally lives in a box and Megatron lets it crawl around inside of him to do repairs, News At 10.

evilsciencebros: You made him 10x awesome in ways I never would have expected! I love your fountain of imagination. LMAO *snuggles up inside the warrior poet*

agatharights: I kinda had the vague idea of making him either a true minicon or an uplift a while ago so it was fun to finally flesh that out!Who doesn't want to crawl around inside of megatron. it'd be cozy

evilsciencebros: *huggles the swiss army knife* He's perfect *squishes down into pancake mode*

agatharights: He just squish down.The only problem with being an uplift is that -actual- scraplets will probably follow him if given the chance, because this scraplet is bigger and smarter so clearly it has more food!And i'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that a nonsapient swarm of dumb, hungry metallovores makes for poor company, unless you're in an autobot base in which case HEY NEW FRIENDS EAT EVERYTHING

evilsciencebros: The perfect drone army. They're not allowed in the Decepticon base

agatharightsyeah: probably a good idea to not bring those homeThey can't tell the difference between autobots and Decepticons and while Oil Slick is pretty unpalateable to everything (both Junkions and Unicronians refuse to eat him, which is impressive) everybody else...

evilsciencebros: Bless. He probably has a little hidey hole for them, so they don't go wondering off. Either that, or just kills/eats them, like Movie Scalpel did with that creepy worm thing that crawled through Sam's head. LOL. Everything keeps trying to eat Oil Slick and fails miserably XD

agatharights: I'd imagine so. Scalpel can probably eat virtually anything, if given enough time for his teensy tiny mouth, since he's still got a scraplet digestive system.

evilsciencebrosI: eat with his butt

agatharights: They had to remove most of the scraplet mouth/jaws though to make room for an actual brain.

evilsciencebros: Tiny brain. An Archive worth of knowledge. That's an impressive memory chip he's got

agatharights: Excellent quantum linkage with his spark for memory storage. Whatever company made him probably priced him pretty high- he would've been top-tier medical equipment at the time

evilsciencebros: ^w^ He is one of a kind

agatharights: "He is one of a kind" "Because everything else in his production line was disposed of when they became obsolete or were deemed too high-risk." you can even ask Optimus but like "What was Cybertron like?" "It was beautiful, and terrible."

evilsciencebros: it was beautiful...but at the same time, on fire

agatharights: Well, to be fair, on fire was more after Megatron finally started calming down and realized he maaaay have literally killed Primus and was like "Mm. Okay. I'll admit, I got a little out of hand.""Lets...lets just go find a new planet."

evilsciencebros: *sweeps the old planet under the rug.* Don't worry, we can still fix this

agatharights: And then he left Cybertron, a post-apocalyptic wasteland, and somehow by the time he got back Shockwave had made it worse and he was like how did you do this? When I left this was a heap of scrap that was on fire and full of electrical storms? WHY IS IT FULL OF ZOMBIES AND PREDACONS NOW? And Shockwave was like "i thought you were never coming back ever so I panicked"

agatharights: Shockwave is the master of "picked up necromancy as a hobby, made some mistakes"

evilsciencebros: This is what happens when you don't return people's phone calls. they join cults

agatharights: And if there's no cults to join, they make their own, and when you finally show back up they're like heyyyyyy...the good news is, Cybertron's not dead, the bad news is, neither are the Insecticons and now there's so many of them.

evilsciencebros: On the bright side there's a cool spider lady who keeps them in check...when she doesn't wanna eat you herself

agatharights: I dunno about that. Season Three of TF: Matrix is basically slotted to be "Blackarachnia is pissed Megatron ditched her on Cybertron, has been selectively breeding an army of insecticons and predacons to take it out on him" Megatron, and who can blame him, was like "Alright, we need to get everyone we can off the planet before the spacebridges go dark...but do i want to be stuck in a tube floating in space with a bunch of self-replicating cannibals? Do i really?"And then effectively gave the Insecticons/predacons the wrong time/place and took off without them and they've been salty about it for a few centuries

evilsciencebros: Megatron. Can't break up with someone to save his life. Instead changes his phone number and address, and pretends to be shocked when they finally run into each other years later.

agatharights: ...god I'm terrible because the first thing that pops into my head is "Clearly, he learned that from Orion"

agatharights: Since Orion basically ditched Megatron as soon as the Decepticons started getting too hot for him to handle and then Megatron didn't see him again until he was working with Sentinel Prime centuries later.And he was like  " :) This is fine" And promptly murdered them both.

evilsciencebros: Cybertron. Died because of poor communication

agatharights: Pretty much.Which, to be fair, this problem didn't start with Megatron and Orion, this problem probably started the moment Prima was like "Guys, I know the thirteen of us are pretty happy, but what if we made a few billion more people?"

agatharights sent a GIF

evilsciencebros: I don't see any downsides to this.

agatharights: Downsides: Quintessons were like hey, uhhhh looks like you have...a lot of people there. Can we...borrow some??????"no piss off Quintessons"

agatharights: And then Unicron was like HEYYYYY LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE A LOT OF PEOPLE THERE...CAN I DEVOUR EVERYTHING??? "NO PISS OFF UNICRON" (and then Nova Prime was like "Hey, what if institutionalized racism?" and instead of going "no piss off Nova" people were like "yeah okay" and that's Cybertronian history) The ghost of Solus Prime shaking her head like come on you guys I did not make all this shit that can literally cause miracles just so you could immediately start conquering and murdering things but she was dead so nobody listened to her

evilsciencebros: immortals need hobbies too. The only ones allowed to traumatise their OCs are them.

agatharights: "these are my OCs the entire Cybertronain race. original idea, do not steal." (and then the Quintessons, who created Primus and Unicron, were like WHOA PLAGARISM) Also oh no I realized the saddest thing that could happen to Scalpel

evilsciencebros: !!!!!

agatharights: Scalpel would've been an actual Scraplet, if very briefly (probably plucked right from a natural forge) before he was modified into a, well, a person, rather than a parasite. Which is all well and good, uplifts weren't uncommon for a long time, though they're very rare post-war

agatharights: But if he attacked Buster and Buster panicked there'd be a chance Buster's matrix abilities- including the ability to "repair" virtually anything Cybertronian given enough energy, would kick in- and Scalpel could be reverted into a Scraplet. It briefly happens to Ravage, but Ravage shares a spark with Soundwave- so Soundwave is able to re-activate his uplift status by restoring his spark (and Buster is very sorry like yeah okay the Decepticons have regularly tried to kidnap him as a power source but he didn't mean to hurt anyone!)But Scalpel being turned back into a Scraplet, even if it were temporary, sounds like a nightmare for him. Turned into a literally brainless creature (scraplets have no processors- their actions are directly connected to their spark rather than utilizing a processor)

evilsciencebros: ;-; poor baby

agatharights: He keeps biting Oil Slick and then being surprised and angry when Oil Slick tastes bad but he has no memory at the time. So he keeps trying bc Oil Slick carries him off to try and fix him ;-;

evilsciencebros: <3

agatharights: awwgh that's so sad i'm putting that in the "horrible things to potentially do to characters" folder

evilsciencebros: My boys. Looking out for each other ;3;

evilsciencebrosYou should feel bad! Poor Scalpel, reduced to something less than an animals, and poor Oil Slick trying to care for his little buddy.

agatharights: Someone on the team suggests that they should put Scalpel out of his misery, that they don't want to risk him eating someone and producing more scraplets, and Oil Slick gets so angry about it he has to leave for a lil bit, just to clear his head before he does something stupid like drop a white phosphorous grenade on them)He'd have to get fixed, eventually, but until then Oil Slick can keep him in a box and feed him scraps

evilsciencebros: OMG I hope he gets better one day! Poor Oil Slick trying, and failing, to bring Scalpel back, but unwilling to snuff out his little spark.He will murder that human boy >:/

agatharights: jskdlfaj if he confronted Buster the poor kid would be like ???!!! Because he'd have no idea what he'd done, and once he knew he'd freak out and start bawling because he didn't mean to! He's so sorry! He can fix it- he can, he can try, at least? "I don't want to hurt anyone! Please, just lemme try to fix it..."

evilsciencebros: He is very fortunate that Oil Slick is desperate and revenge can wait.Now stop pouring lubricant out of your optics and do your work weird god magic shit.

agatharights: akfdljsaf poor babies. At least Buster can probably undo it. Might take a bit, though, and a lot of energy. he'd konk right out afterwards, and Scalpel just re-grew an entire brain so he's very tired too.

[afterspark-podcast]

G1 Episode 6: Transcript

Episode Show Notes

[This can also be found on AO3!]

[Stinger]

S: If you were in charge of like creating a Transformers series what sort of base plot would you want?

O: Fuck it--we're starting with the death of Optimus Prime and going from there baby!

[Intro Music Plays]

O: Hello and welcome to the Afterspark Podcast, an episode by episode recap of the Generation 1 Transformers cartoon.  I'm Owls!

S: And I'm Specs!

O: Today we're gonna be talking about episode number 6--Divide and Conquer. Let's talk about giant robots today shall we?

S: Yeah.

O: Last time on, the Transformers, a devastating antimatter formula, old computers, Ravage gently kidnapping a teenage boy from his bedroom--through a window, and Megatron is the, “Most powerful weapon in the universe!”  Let's also not forget Soundwave’s magic mind-reading powers. [laughs]

S:  Yeah.

O: But, for today we start at a high-security...factory?

S: It's some sort of facility in the middle of nowhere--a desert or whatever guarded by a bright green tank with a missile launcher no less.

O: How is that bright green tank not a freakin Autobot? [laughs]

S: I don’t know…

O: And there’s so much going on with this installation, it’s the weirdest freaking factory I've ever seen in my life!

S: There's a water tower, smokestacks and not just one communication tower, but two communications towers.

O: And to top this off, like a cherry on top of a freaking sundae, is it has what I can only describe as Mario Brothers’ bright green pipes on top of the building.

S: And they’re in the desert, yet their lawn is so green and they may or may not have a water feature or some sort of garden for, uh, their workers to take breaks at.

O: And when we mean their lawn is so green, we mean everything outside of it is brown, ok?  Like--

S: It’s the middle of a desert, there's like the [unintelligible] and scrub and...

O: And then, bright green lawn! With a bright green tank!

S: Yup, eh, oh but get this they actually have security cameras

O: So, basically they've one upped the alien robots. [laughs]

S: Yup, and we cut to the interior of the factory as our narrator informs us that they're creating weapons to defeat the most dangerous enemy of all, the Decepticons!

O: And to illustrate this point, apparently they have a poster of Megatron with a sticker plastered across his chest that says, “the enemy”.

S: He really looks like he's wearing a sash like-like he's going to prom like I think he's the prom king or prom conquer, maybe?

O: [laughs] Well anyway, Chip is here and he's apparently helping these scientists with weapon development.

S: And then the Seekers attack the factory. There's a coloring mistake where Skywarp is colored like Starscream.

O: Skywarp is clearly pretending to be Starscream today

S: Oh wait, no now he's Thundercracker.

O: Boy they can't color in this episode, huh?

S: They-they really can't apparently and Soundwave shows up and they start stealing energy.

O: Which flows like water, and is bright blue?

S: Apparently?

O: [laughs] Anyway, Chip, you know, being an intelligent person in this situation unlike I swear to God most people in this show, sends a distress signal to Optimus Prime.

S: [sighs] Oh God, and Optimus is just standing in the canyon from the previous episode?

O: Well they--so they called it a riverbed but, but, but it looks like a canyon!

S: It's a canyon in quotation marks.

O: Yes, but now it actually looks like a riverbed!

S:  Mm-hmm yeah.

O: So he finds out they’re in trouble--the Autobots roll out, including him and some of the people from the Ark.

S: Oh, Spike is actually hanging out with him in the riverbed and Sparkplug is back at the Ark and we actually had a question of which one was which.

O: Well yeah, cuz we were seeing them from behind and like, I feel like one of them looked like they had really really long legs and we thought that Spike was in like, both places for a second but no, one of them was Sparkplug.

S: Yup, and as you said the Autobots roll out, and then Starscream fishes for compliments from Megatron for doing such a fantastic job.

O: Oh buddy, you've gotta--you've gotta, you know, do more self actualization for yourself. You can't rely on this from outside sources man, that's all I'm saying.

S: Yeah…

O: Then Optimus Prime show up and Megatron is telling Starscream to attack but I swear he can't count because he says Starscream outnumbers Prime 3 to 1 but there's 3 Seekers, plus Soundwave, plus presumably all of Soundwave’s cassettes. Shouldn't it be like 9 to 1?

S: Maybe the cassettes are off of a break or something, maybe they’re on vacation.

O: I don’t know, I just thought it was weird at-at least it's 4 to 1 I'm just saying--Megatron clearly can't count. Anyway, Optimus then, uh, so a fight ensues. You know because we-we know what kind of show we're watching.

S and O: [Laughter]

S: Yeah, we do.

O: And Optimus punches a heat seeking missile.

S: Optimus what can't your magical Jesus hands do?

O: [snorts] Using a triple attack the Seekers continue to attack Optimus and they end up bringing him down but then the Autobots show up, so the Seekers flee.

S: And then Optimus is badly damaged.

O: Despite not having a single mark on his body?  It's very strange.

S: This is...I think he's damaged because he's like, “I will shield you humans!” from an exploding computer.

O: Something like that?

S: Yeah.

O: It was dumb but he doesn't look like he's got a mark on his body.

S: Yeah, he punches the thing and then it explodes part of the computer and then it overloads and he's like, “I must protect you!”

S and O: [Laughter]

S: It’s so silly.

O: It is, it’s very silly.  So, uh, Decepticons return to base, ah, Starscream then takes credit for killing Optimus.

S: Oh now look who's doing the preemptive declarations.

O: Megatron has more sense than all of the Autobots fucking combined for the last five episodes right now.  Optimus is dead my ass. [laughs]

S: Yeah,  this might be the first time laser cores are mentioned?

O: Sparks don't exist yet, but sparks are generally like their heart slash soul thing in any other continuity and I guess--

S: This might--laser cores might technically be their brains?

O: Yeah, but it's kind of the closest we're gonna get in G1?

S: Yeah..

O: Which is weird because I'm so used to every other continuity where sparks are like their main, you know--if you kill that they're definitely dead, thing.

S: Well, this still makes more sense than Marvel and, “Oh I saved Optimus’ life by downloading his mind into a floppy disk.”

O: Oh God.  [laughs}

S: Yeah, you haven't read that bit yet.

O: The comic--the Marvel comics are a trip! A delightful trip, I highly recommend reading them. [laughs]

S: Yeah.

O: You will not keep a straight face.  God knows I couldn't, I'm sure some people on the bus think I'm fucking nuts now because I was trying not to laugh my ass off. [laughs]

S:  They’re fun, and they're the first full canon experience I had but let's get back to this!

O: Yes! [laughs] Anyway--uh, so Laserbeak is sent off to investigate if-if Optimus is actually dead and Laserbeak doesn't want to go for some reason?

S: And Megatron seriously threatens his you know, parent of the year standing here.

O: Yeah, he like yells at Laserbeak and I'm like you were doing so well man.

S: Yeah, he threatens Soundwave’s--one of Soundwave’s bird children, bird cassettes.

O: Yeah.

B: Yeah.

O: I'm still pretty convinced that like, if he ever actually, seriously harmed the cassettes he would be screwed because I'm convinced Soundwave is like, the one that keeps shit running in the Decepticons.

S: Yeah, you've said he’s the most competent one there.

O: He’s the most competent one there! Don't piss off your competent subordinate man, he's not like Starscream you won't know he’s comin’.

S: Yup, and then so Laserbeak flies into the top of the volcano and lands on Brawn turning into a cassette in midair.

O: How does Brawn not feel this!?!

S: Apparently they just don't have a hell of a lot of feeling in their bodies or something I guess?  

O:  It’s weird, it’s just he gets carried into the Ark as a cassette on Brawn’s shoulder.  It's so dumb!

S: Yup!

O: Anyway we cut inside where, uh, Wheeljack and Ratchet are working on Prime while everyone else is watching?

S: I guess there's nothing better to do or else this is what counts as entertainment for the Autobots.

O: Pfft, well our leaders gonna die again--guess we better grab a seat huh. Who's gonna make the popcorn?

S: [laughs]

O: Laserbeak then hops off Brawn transforming and flying to perch on some rocks in the room where Optimus is….and no one sees this how!?!

S: I don't know, I don’t know, I mean none of these characters have you know, much in the way of…

O: Peripheral vision!?!

S: Yes.

O: [laughs]

S: I was going to say something of like, uh, passive perception.

O: [laughs] They all failed their passive perception rolls!

S: Yeah...yeah, and then he starts recording, broadcasting back to the Decepticon base.

O: Uh, well finding out Prime's not quite dead yet Laserbeak attempts at assassination.

S: And Ratchet forgets about his capture net from a few episodes ago which is...really annoying.

O: [laughs] Yes, consistency! Uh, so Prime…explodes?

S: Well yeah, he’s got fire and stuff coming out of his chest…

O: He explodes. [laughs]

S: And everyone like, ducks for cover. The Autobots huddle as they try to save Optimus.

O: And then Wheeljack mentions a part he needs, from his old lab...on Cybertron.

S: Oh God, it’s like--can't you just build this..Wheeljack...

O:  [laughs] I don’t know why--

S: ..why can’t you…?

O: But yeah, no, we gotta go to Cybertron for this shit.

S: And then Huffer pisses and moans.

O: Ironhide gets so tired of this he shoves this entire hand into Huffer’s face. I'm not even kidding.

S: How about no? And yeah, I posted the screenshot of this with, “How about no?” it was just, it’s just, it’s--

O: It [is] literally his entire hand is in his face. There's a pretty big size difference between the two and so it ends up being pretty funny.

S: Like, Ironhide is looking in the different direction--

O: Yeah, he's just like shut up Huffer the adults are talking!

S: And he’s gesturing and I think Huffer’s sort of flailing?

O: [laughs] Something like that.

S: It’s, it’s pretty goofy.

O: Anyway, Chip offers to hack the Decepticon space bridge.

S: Oh, and back at the Decepticons--it's Tuesday again and time for some good ol’ Starscream bitchin’

O: Yep, I don't even remember what they're talking about here because it’s just Starscream bitching. Anyway, Shockwave informs Megatron of the Space Bridge’s next coordinates.

S: Why...how the hell does Shockwave know where the--where the stupid Space Bridge is?

O: I assume it’s where he’s sending it?

S: Yes, but why is he--why aren’t the Decepticons here moving it around? I don't understand how Shockwave controls the location from Cybertron. [sighs]

O: I don’t know [laughs] alien robot technology, man, I don’t know how this works I just talk about it!

S: God--I mean, I’d assume they'd be able to do something more intelligent everywhere else if Shockwave’s able to just fuckin’ control the Space Bridge location.

O: [Snorts] Yeah.

S: Alright.

O: I mean the only thing I can think it's maybe it's somewhat based off like, Earth's rotation and where Cybertron is or something?

S: Eh..

O: Not that we're ever going to get that good of an explanation but that's my current theory.

S: God, that would take more math then I’d be interested in doing.

O: That's why they make Shockwave do it! [laughs]

S: True. Yeah, so we found out where the episodes budget went!

O: So literally, Megatron is just colored really, really, really well in this one shot. I don't know why.

S: Like there’s lighting, there's mid-tone, and then there’s shadow, yeah...

O: And you’ve seen old cartoons--there isn't always those things. [laughs]

S: Yeah, like most of the time it's just flat color instead of giving any sort of shadow in there.

O: Yeah.

S: But, nope Megatron's gotta have his mood lighting.

O: [laughs] I believe it!

S: And back at the Ark, Chip is utilizing Teletraan 1 to try and predict the next space bridge Location.

O: So remember what we said last time when we said he was smarter than the robots? Yeah, how did prime not consider this option. [laughs]

S: “Just like Sherlock Holmes with floppy disks!” Oh God…

O: Which is Spike's reaction, um, so sure Spike, sure.

S: Ratchet and Wheeljack are frantically trying to keep Prime alive at this point.

O: Uh, this time without an audience. [laughs] Because they were so helpful last time!

S: Well I bet Prime--I bet Optimus is, ah, grateful for his privacy this time.

O: [laughs] I would be! I don’t want all my friends to watch me die! Anyway, the Decepticons are loading up the Space Bridge with Energon.

S: As the Energon phases through Starscream? Like, I think there’s a bit where he’s just like--

O: They didn't--they didn't use their layers very well again. [laughs]

S: Yeah...yeah.

O: Uh, we get an extra Reflector again today, um..

S: Yeah, for a total of four!

O: For a total of four, and that same [extra] Reflector is volun-told that he's the Space Bridge driver now.

S: Like, Starscream picks ‘em up and ploinks him in the seat and he's begging for his life!?

O: Pretty much--again, pretty big size difference. The Reflectors are all pretty small individually so...

S: Yeah, and then the Autobots show up, or some of them do.

O: Uh, it's the crew that's gonna go to Cybertron show up, basically. So the Autobots show up and then someone did some decent background paintings here?

S: There's some pretty nice light diffusion, especially in the distance. It's very nice, they knew how to keep their details where they needed to be.

O: Yeah, like kind of sparse in the background. Uh, and now suddenly it's raining and Starscream is trying to hit people with a tree.

S: Like he literally rips it out of the ground or something and like, holds it over his head. He's not trying to hit people with it like it's a baseball bat.

O: Which you would you think would be what they would do…

S: Hey--

O: But it’s not!

S: There’d--there’d be a lot more leverage--well, not leverage, but you know, a lot more force behind it if you were moving it like that. But no apparently Starscream just...they don't have baseball in Cybertron.

O: Except for Jazz...apparently? [laughs]

S: I guess--yeah, yeah you’re right!

O: Um, so Megatron orders the Decepticons to lose against the Autobots they've showed up here.

S: I don’t think we get a good reason for that but...

O: I-I think his logic is we're gonna split their forces up and put some of them on Cybertron?

S: I'm not sure how that--

O: But if you beat them here they-they wouldn't have to go to Cybertron so I don't know why he would order them to lose, this should have just been the back-up plan.

S: Yeah I don’t know, its weird and so Starscream gets frozen and Reflector gets force merged together like he gets--

O: The three Reflectors get like, thrown into each other and merge into one? I don’t know.

S: Like--like not like they're transforming and combining into their alt mode it's more like, [clap] wompf?

B: Wompf-wompf?

[Talking over each other]

O: And yeah they're--

S: Like they're all--

O: --combined it doesn't make--I don't know what--I don't know why this is the thing.

S: It's like they've all fused into one...oh God it's like they fused--like [the] Steven Universe gems.

O: [laughs]

S: Except they’re not getting--

O: They don’t get cooler!

S: Or bigger! [sigh] Just suddenly they're all stacked together in one teeny-tiny package.

O: Anyway, Bumblebee, Ironhide, Bluestreak, Trailbreaker, and Chip use the space bridge to travel to Cybertron where they're met by Shockwave and that one Reflector who got tossed through the Space Bridge. Shockwave, apparently, just keeps liquid nitrogen--

S: In like a canister...thing?

O: On the wall!

S: Dispenser! Let’s go with dispenser thing.

O: It looked like--it looks like a fire--it's like shaped like a fire extinguisher is--

S: Yeah.

O: --to my memory. But he just came to there hanging on the wall.

S: Like is that their fire suppression system? Why would they use this? I mean I guess they're weak to water so they don't have sprinklers?

[The Decepticons are routinely in salt water so this point seems moot and I blame it on the inconsistent writing more than anything.  ~Owls]

O: Sprinklers probably would be bad.

S: [sighs]

O: So Ironhide picks up the liquid nitrogen canister thing that’s on the wall, shoots it at the wall and then...it makes the wall more brittle so he basically makes a hole in the wall.

S: Yeah, he like punches a hole in it or something?

O: Yeah.

S: And the Autobots escape out of said hole.

O: Ironhide then shoots glue at Shockwave and the Reflector, gluing them into place.

S: You know what’d be super useful right now? Liquid nitrogen.

O: [laughs]

S: Also--

O: Is real--is that the real reason Soundwave keeps it around?

S: Maybe? Um, but this is also like where that gif of the Shockwave dancing (sort of), shows up or like it looks like he's dancing.

O: It is basically him struggling to get out of the glue but totally without context it looks like he's dancing and I've seen it used in so many different contexts is and it is great.

S: Yeah.

O: Um, so Shockwave and Reflector can't get out and we get to see three new seekers on Cybertron as Megatron orders them to pursue the Autobots.

S: These are the Rainmakers.

O: And yay, more pyramid jets!

S: And Chip single-handedly breaks into Wheeljack’s lab.

O: I still love how the Autobots handle him, they just literally pick his entire wheelchair up and hold him up to be like, the panel that like, the digital panel they need to use to get into the lab.

S: So his Chip learned Cybertronian is that why he--

O: I’d believe it! Chip is smart enough.

S: Mostly, it's just--geez, he is a super genius for learning and becoming fluent and then being able to hack in this different language.

O: [laughs] I believe it!

S:  Or I mean--heck maybe, well no, yeah he did hack it ‘cuz the Decepticons are the ones who put the stupid lock on the door.

O: Oh, was it? I don't remember.

S: Yeah.

O: Anyway we find out here that Ironhide has eye beams.

S: [laughs] Eye beams--he's officially the most prepared Autobot™.

O: Trademark. [laughs]

S: Yeah, he's got freeze gun, he can shoot glue and he’s got eye beams! I mean what the hell else can't he do?

O: He won't help lift Optimus Prime apparently!

S: He wants to supervise.

O: [laughs] No!

S: [laughs]

O: So, uh, the Rainmakers make...well, rain.

S: By that we mean acid rain.

O: And the Autobots are stupid and run outside into it instead of turning around walking back into Wheeljack's lab and either waiting at the storm or thinking of a different fucking option.

S: They’re dumb. They're really dumb.

O: Acid rain by the way apparently has no effect on Chip what's so fucking ever!

S: It's his superpower, he's invulnerable to acid rain.

O: [snorts]

S: And meanwhile Megatron is pleased with this situation.

O: He even compliments Starscream, someone's in a good mood.

S: And he orders an attack on the Autobots like...apparently losing these four Autobots and Optimus Prime is enough to like, weaken the Autobots’ defenses.

O: Yeah, and I feel like we need to specify, he orders an attack on the Autobots still on Earth. Anyway, back on Cybertron, Chip attempts to use motivational speaking to get the bots back on their feet and then Trailbreaker suddenly remembers he can create force fields.

S: Bumblebee looks annoyed.

O: You couldn't have fucking done this five minutes ago, Trailbreaker!?!

S: Like, yeah couldn't you've done this before we stepped out into the rain and then and--

O: [laughs] I don’t think--

S: --started getting all paralyzed or something?

O: Yeah, the bots are affected by the acid rain but Chip isn’t. It's really strange.

S: Like, it gets into their circuits apparently and it makes them short out. I don't know, haven’t they invented like, waterproofing yet? And then Bluestreak shoots the clouds away because he's such a good sharpshooter.

O: [laughs] “I can sharpshoot clouds.” And, uh, Chip’s motivational speaking seems to fail here as the Autobots kind of get themselves back together he's like, “Transform and rolllll for his life!” in regards to Optimus.

S: [sighs] And meanwhile back at the Space Bridge, Shockwave is finally finishing shooting the glue away.

O: And with this shot, like, how it’s framed the single Reflector looks huge like, Shockwave sized. He’s not [laughs] that big!

S: Um-hm.

O: Uh, the Autobots proceed to drive leisurely past these two morons back into the elevator and Shockwave tries to shoot at them.

S: He doesn't even blow out a tire.

O: You had one job dude, one job.

S: And meanwhile the Decepticons are attacking the Ark.

O: [coughs] Spike is super gung-ho to lead this fight. So much so--he steals Jazz’s gun.

S: Jazz really doesn't practice trigger safety.

O: It is hilarious to see a human try to carry a Cybertronian scaled gun because it’s huge.

S: I mean he's not trying, he is managing it but--

O: I know he’s doing it!

S: But it's his size, literally as tall as he is. I mean how heavy is that gun? Spike has to be ripped!

O: Abso-fucking-lutely. Uh, the Autobots are prepared to fight, even Huffer has stopped bitching for five goddamn seconds.

S: He is so down to fight now, Huffer is I mean.

O: [laughs] So, uh, back into the fight, Spike is shooting Jazz’s gun.

S: He's clearly utilizing the spray and pray method. I mean, he’s shooting from the hip!

O: There is no way he’s able to aim with that thing! [laughs]

S: Fighting insues! And Spike calls Ravage a bad kitty.

O: BULLSHIT! Ravage is not a bad kitty, all kitties are good kitties! Fuck you Spike.

S: But especially Ravage is a good kitty, he's just not an Autobot kitty.

O: [laughs] So Sideswipe takes to the air, as he does, shooting from his shoulder mounted flamethrower.

S: But it really looks like he's breathing fire because of the framing and the angle that he's directed--

O: Yeah.

S: --the angle he's at, blah.

O: For once Starscream is yelling about conserving energy. [laughs] Megatron's like, “Fine! Then we'll just have to end this fight.” His method for doing this is...transforming into gun mode and having Starscream fire him.

S: He’s the most powerful weapon in the universe! What do you mean that's not the answer to everything?

O: Okay, dude, but you can’t solve all your problems with your gun, that’s all I’m saying.

S: [sighs]

O: Anyway the cavalry arrives in the form of Bumblebee, Ironhide, Trailbreaker, Bluestreak and Chip.

S: And Megatron has just completely disappeared from Starscream's grasp in the next shot.

O: Where’d he go!?! [laughs]

S: He’s taking a break.

O: [laughter continues] He’s like, oh God--Starscream I can't even stand to be near you!

S: He's getting some polishing and I don't know. Had to clean his barrel. Uh, Chip and Spike deliver the part for Optimus to Ratchet and Wheeljack.

O: And then we cut back to the battlefield and Shockwave’s on the ground here for no apparent reason and shouldn't even be here. [laughs]

S: [laughs] Yup! He looks like he got absolutely trashed and it’s amazing.

O: [laughs] Oh but there’s more!

S: As well as what should probably be Ironhide is down for the count but he's colored like Ratchet.

O: Who again, is inside, we just saw this because he’s fixing Optimus Prime because he is a fucking medic, damn it.

S: Yeah, and it's back to pre-emptive declaration time as Megatron declares the Decepticons the victors and…

O: I revoke my earlier statement about his sense.

S: Yup, yup, it went away today it went away.

O: It went away. Optimus Prime ruins this by not being dead.

S: And the Autobots rally.

O: Uh, Prime basically challenges Megatron to a one-on-one combat.

S: Eeh, that happens in like, ev--like, every single series.

O: Pretty much.

S: This isn’t a surprise.

O: But, but Starscream is going on about a battle code. Is-is he just making this shit up now?

S: Well I mean...Marvel comics the Autobots have like, God, I’m just...forget about that, I don’t know what the hell it’s called...

O: [laughs] You’re like, I don’t know either.

S: No, it’s the thing that Ratchet and Megatron do that--

[Talking over each other]

O: Oh God--no we’re not getting into that!  That is its own separate thing of whatever the hell that is! So, um Optimus does a swan dive off a mountain into Megatron. As the fight goes on Megatron throws Optimus, who then picks up the big rock Megatron is standing on and then Megatron faceplants down a mountain.

S: It's really, really funny looking.

O: It is delightful, but it gets better because then Megatron does his best, “Help like fallen and can't get up,” pose as he's on his back.

S: He really looks like an overturned turtle like one of those ones that's flailing on its back and-- [hiss and laughter]

O: Then Optimus shoots Megatron while he's down, in the stomach, repeatedly.

S: Yup, yup, and Starscream gloats as Megs asks for assistance and he's like in this like, he's sitting up in this sort of weirdly languid looking pose like extending a hand--

O: [laughs] Pointing!

S: --at Starscream, who’s ignoring him.

O: [continued laughter] It’s the Birth of Adam but with Megatron!

S: Kind of, yeah! It actually does look kind of like that.

O: It does!  Um, so Megatron uh, yields, “For now, only for now!” after Prime stomps on his hand.  [dissolves into laughter]

S: And Starscream basically declares himself leader Decepticons again, I mean like always.

O: Do you think he’s a meme? Like, within the Decepticons?  He's just gotta be, right?

S: Yeah, oh God yeah, he’s a meme.

O: [laughs]

S: Probably Thundercracker, er--Skywarp’s tela--teleportation is too. God, probably all of their powers are memes.

O: Oh yeah, but I feel like Starscream--Starscream's, “I Starscream am leader of the Decepticons,” has gotta be like its own like, meme (trademark).

S: Yeah.

O: So the Autobots just let the Decepticons fly off apparently? And that's the end?

S: This actually really reminds me of several piec-bad pieces of fanfiction that I read when I was much younger.

O: Is it bad when in they’re just doing what they’re doing in the canon though? [dissolves into laughter]

S: No, but it’s like, it does reflect that the writing is not good?

O: That’s fair. Anyway, so that’s the end of the episode, uh, next time join us as Starscream finds his long-lost BFF, the Decepticons try to freeze the world and giant robots do dumb shit in snow. Also a giant glowy green rock.

S: Yup, yup.

O: So Specs, tell us ‘bout our fanfic for the day.

S: All right so we have, uh, three fanfiction recommendations for today.

So our first, uh, recommendation for today is, “Rain Stops Play,” by KoiLungfish. It is set in a general Generation 1 continuity. I'm not sure if it's IDW or cartoon, uh, but it's set on Cybertron, just to let you know. It's rated T for teens, it's Gen, there aren’t any pairings. The characters involved are Prowl, Trailbreaker and--with a mention of Mixmaster. And so Trailbreaker and Prowl disagree on what best to do in a rainstorm and our theme here is ‘rain’.

Our next, uh, recommendation is, “Checkmate,” by taralynden. It's, uh, set in the g1 cartoon series, rated T for teens. It has slash in it, uh, pairings are Jazz/Prowl and our main characters are Chip Chase, Prowl and Jazz. Chip and Prowl play chess both on the board and with some of the Autobots biggest secrets, and I picked this because it basically focused on Chip being really curious about the Transformers.

O: Fair enough.

S: And their culture and the fact that they're probably hiding a lot of stuff.

O: [laughs] Nah. Nah!

S: And then our third recommendation for today is, “He Who Laughs Last,” by Nightwind, which is set in the g1 cartoon continuity, rated K, it's Gen, uh, there aren't any pairings and our main characters here are Skywarp, Thundercracker and Soundwave. So in summary, Skywarp may not be the only inveterate practical joker lurking at Decepticon headquarters, and I actually forgot what the theme was for this one when I picked it so that’s why that’s--

O: [laughs] Oh, well Seekers?

S: Seekers, and I guess pranks?

O: Okay fair enough. We’ll just go with--we’ll just go with Decepticons.  It’s fine we need more Decepticon shit in here anyway.

S:Yeah. And that just about wraps it up for us today. Remember to check out our tumblr at Afterspark dash podcast dot tumblr com for any additional information, show notes, or links that we may have mentioned. You can also find us on Facebook and Twitter at AftersparkPod (all one word), and SoundCloud and YouTube at Afterspark Podcast. Till next time, I'm Specs!

O: And I'm Owls!

S: Toodles!

[Outro Music]