#the way he grabbed doumeki to be his bodyguard in ch. 48

[neyzuko]

text under cut:

Well, first off, Inami feels pretty great about himself because Yashiro came to his place after being with Doumeki. Inami assumes that Y and D had sex, so he also thinks that Yashiro came skipping over because Doumeki was unable to satisfy him. Then Inami starts to insult Yashiro, calling him “slutty” for wanting sex even though he’s impotent. Yashiro responds by subtly reminding Inami that he should be happy Yashiro is that way, since it turns Inami on when his partners don’t appear to consent (i.e., can’t get aroused). In other words, Inami gets sexual pleasure from violence and domination. He’s a sexual sadist. With Yashiro not being able to get hard, he’s like an unwilling participant—and rape is the ultimate fantasy for a sexual sadist like Inami. Recall the first time they did it in the hotel room 4 years ago, when Inami tied Yashiro’s dick with a shoelace to prevent him from getting hard and “enjoying” the experience.

Then we get the flashback scene. I’m not too sure, but but I think the internal monologue in this chapter is a flashback rather than a stream of consciousness. We see Yashiro in different clothes, unbound, and with a beat up face, not to mention the monologue is positioned in the middle of an event and surrounded by a black border— this suggests that the changes in Yashiro’s perceptions came before the timeline of chapter 47.

In the flashback, Yashiro admits to feeling apathetic while having sex. He can no longer enjoy sex the way he used to, which clearly affects him a great deal. He thinks his lack of arousal is “poetic justice” for initially developing a body that “couldn’t live without sex.” In his mind, his impotence is his punishment.

Looking at the line, “I really, really didn’t care anymore. And I was so beyond redemption that I thought I was only fine when I felt pain.” Here, Yashiro explains why he continued to have violent sex after becoming impotent: 1) “I didn’t care anymore,” contrasted with an image of him on his bed in the daylight, which could refer to being awoken by his recurring nightmare and the accompanying loneliness and guilt (all related to Doumeki), and 2) “I was beyond redemption,” which just means that he doesn’t think that changing his habits at this stage in his life would make a difference. So, Yashiro continued to chase the pain of violent sex. I also think it was also a form of self-punishment.

Then the flashback ends and we come back to present tense. Yashiro is enduring the sex with Inami, when sudden images of Doumeki invade his mind. This isn’t really anything new— Yashiro always thinks of someone else, someone kind and gentle, when he’s having painful sex.

But now in 47, Yashiro has a different thought process: “Suddenly I realized, there’s no need to get rid of anything if I didn’t know it in the first place.” I think this has two meanings.

First, if we go back a bit in chapter 47, we see Yashiro refer to Inami and other men as rapists. Terminology is important, because it determines how we interpret meaning and events. If Yashiro understands that he was raped, then he also understands that he didn’t “want it.” He didn’t invite it, he didn’t enjoy it, and it’s also not his fault it happened. This changes his whole self-perception as well. Before, Yashiro believed he was perverted and twisted because he was addicted to violent sex, well into his adulthood. But once he realized that the act of rape impacted his life in ways he didn’t wish for, he was able to connect the dots and see himself as a victim/survivor, rather than a pervert. This realization also means that Yashiro is looking back on his life with with a deep sense of sadness, for knowing that he never knew love and respect before Doumeki. One of the reasons Yashiro abandoned Doumeki 4 years ago is because he didn’t want to “corrupt and sully” his beauty and purity with his own twistedness. So, if we put this information together, Yashiro has concluded that there is no reason to get rid of Doumeki because he himself is not a twisted person, and he ought to experience beauty at least once in his life… I’ll talk more about this further down, but I think this is the overarching theme of this chapter.

And the second meaning is more straightforward. Chapter 46 opens with Yashiro thinking: “I thought I knew him” (or something to that effect). Yashiro thought he knew all of Doumeki, yet as he’s come to realize over the last few days, he doesn’t quite know him as well as he thought. I don’t think I have to give any examples of Doumeki’s changes because we are all aware that he is different and a stark contrast from 4 years ago.

I don’t think I have to explain the importance of autonomy and living for yourself first. Doumeki has truly outgrown his boyish fascination with Yashiro that bordered on self-destruction and delusion, and has become a man with goals and principles that will outlive whatever circumstance he is currently in. This is not to say that he is incapable of loving Yashiro, but rather, this simply means that there is a place and time for all of life’s pleasures— love is one of them, but so is autonomy.

Yashiro is more than aware of this. In fact, the absence of autonomy was one of the reasons he let Doumeki go.

Back to this quote: “Suddenly I realized, there’s no need to get rid of anything if I didn’t know it in the first place,” accompanied by an image of Doumeki. The Doumeki in Yashiro’s imagination is the one that looks him in the eyes and says what he thinks. It’s not the Doumeki following him around blindly. The person Yashiro thought he knew turned out to be a lot more self-assured, independent, and wise, unlike the little bird who would fall to his death to follow Yashiro without thought. This is not someone Yashiro has to worry over either corrupting or endangering, because he is already a fully-formed individual with his own values, beliefs, and agency.

Back to Inami’s bedroom. After the sex, Yashiro asks for information about the Okuyama Group, which Inami offers up. Then Inami asks Yashiro to share his info. Yashiro refuses, saying his body should suffice as payment. Inami turns to him, and asks whether Yashiro is placing too much value on “being a tranny.” Yashiro smiles and tells him “no, try to understand the premise,” which basically just means that their deal is: sex for info. Inami gets sex, Yashiro gets info. The deal is not: we both get sex and then we share info. Inami, however, doesn’t seem to understand the premise— he thinks Yashiro wants sex from him.

When Inami drops Yashiro off, a similar sort of exchange happens, with Inami falsely believing that Yashiro wants to have sex with him. In this conversation by the car, Inami begins to insult Yashiro again. He tells Yashiro that he must be happy that another “decent” guy like Doumeki has fallen from grace. Inami is suggesting that Doumeki is decent, while Yashiro is not. Of course, this is referring to the fact that Yashiro lets men have hardcore sex with him.

Yashiro turns around and says, “decent, huh.” He was going to walk away, but he decides to lay it out again for Inami, so he understands the premise. Yashiro looks him in the face with a grin and says, “[Doumeki] thinks I’m the one wanting to have sex with you.” Surely this would ring some bells, but it doesn’t. Inami says, “but you do want to, don’t you? … you’re the one who wants to be treated violently.” Not only does Inami not understand Yashiro, but he also doesn’t understand himself. In his mind, Yashiro is the pervert in their relationship; Yashiro is the one that gets off on violence, not Inami. Inami thinks he is merely giving Yashiro what he wants. He’s deluded himself into believing that he’s a decent guy and Yashiro the sinner.

The Yashiro from 4 years ago believed this too. Yashiro always thought of himself as the masochist and pervert in all of his sexual relationships. Yet, what the relationship with Inami has shown us is that Yashiro is just a passive participant, often at the mercy of violent partners. Most of his sex partners have been yakuza that look down on gay men and treat them violently in bed. The same people then turn around and insult Yashiro, instead of acknowledging their own immoral behaviour. Yashiro had internalized the insults and beatings up until now.

In chapter 47, Yashiro calls Inami a rapist (in his mind) and challenges him head-on to acknowledge the true dynamic of their relationship. Again, this changes the onus of responsibility from Yashiro to Inami. This is a huge step for Yashiro. Like, really, really big. The shift in responsibility clears Yashiro of negative labels, including “pervert” and “twisted,” and goes back to my earlier statement about the overarching theme of this chapter. Yashiro has realized that he is not a bad person, and that he can and should be loved. When Doumeki shows up, Yashiro looks at him with a serene expression, and says, “he’s not my guard dog anymore,” meaning that Yashiro no longer fears corrupting an innocent and naive Doumeki, both because Yashiro is NOT a corrupting force and because Doumeki is mature enough to take care of himself.

And since I said I’d come back to the dream that was haunting Yashiro and subconsciously telling him to change: Yashiro has stopped resisting Doumeki’s advancement and is allowing himself more and more closeness. In chapter 48, Yashiro follows Doumeki back to Tsunakawa’s place, and of course, chooses Doumeki as his guard. None of this development would have been possible without the long-awaited recognition in chapter 47. Although it’s a long and slow process, Yashiro has started the hard job of forgiving himself.

Forgiveness

A Chapter 47 Analysis

I feel like I’m long overdue for a proper chapter 47 analysis, which is v shameful, considering how very important this chapter was. I can’t even overstate its significance tbh. I think some pretty rapid character development took place between chapter 46 and 47, much of it owing to Yashiro’s prior self-reflection, being around Inami, and having Doumeki back in his life.

In the first few chapters of volume 7, Yashiro was looking pretty tired around the eyes. He looked aged. He seemed listless and defeated, and we know that around that time he was having dreams/nightmares about Doumeki, which startled him awake. And I know I’ve talked about this dream many times before, but in light of chapter 47, its meaning has shifted somewhat. I think what is so nightmarish about the dream isn’t just that Doumeki was gone when Y turned around, but rather, the reason Doumeki was gone— and not for his lack of trying to hold on. The dream was largely focused on Yashiro himself, who broke away and ran from Doumeki, only to feel devastated when D disappeared and Y was left alone. Yashiro’s subconscious is clearly telling him something. “If you don’t want to feel this way (i.e., alone), then you need to change your actions.” We’ll come back to this later.

Alright, let’s actually talk about chapter 47 now.

Well, first off, Inami feels pretty great about himself because Yashiro came to his place after being with Doumeki. Inami assumes that Y and D had sex, so he also thinks that Yashiro came skipping over because Doumeki was unable to satisfy him. Then Inami starts to insult Yashiro, calling him “slutty” for wanting sex even though he’s impotent. Yashiro responds by subtly reminding Inami that he should be happy Yashiro is that way, since it turns Inami on when his partners don’t appear to consent (i.e., can’t get aroused). In other words, Inami gets sexual pleasure from violence and domination. He’s a sexual sadist. With Yashiro not being able to get hard, he’s like an unwilling participant—and rape is the ultimate fantasy for a sexual sadist like Inami. Recall the first time they did it in the hotel room 4 years ago, when Inami tied Yashiro’s dick with a shoelace to prevent him from getting hard and “enjoying” the experience.

Then we get the flashback scene. I’m not too sure, but but I think the internal monologue in this chapter is a flashback rather than a stream of consciousness. We see Yashiro in different clothes, unbound, and with a beat up face, not to mention the monologue is positioned in the middle of an event and surrounded by a black border— this suggests that the changes in Yashiro’s perceptions came before the timeline of chapter 47.

In the flashback, Yashiro admits to feeling apathetic while having sex. He can no longer enjoy sex the way he used to, which clearly affects him a great deal. He thinks his lack of arousal is “poetic justice” for initially developing a body that “couldn’t live without sex.” In his mind, his impotence is his punishment.

Looking at the line, “I really, really didn’t care anymore. And I was so beyond redemption that I thought I was only fine when I felt pain.” Here, Yashiro explains why he continued to have violent sex after becoming impotent: 1) “I didn’t care anymore,” contrasted with an image of him on his bed in the daylight, which could refer to being awoken by his recurring nightmare and the accompanying loneliness and guilt (all related to Doumeki), and 2) “I was beyond redemption,” which just means that he doesn’t think that changing his habits at this stage in his life would make a difference. So, Yashiro continued to chase the pain of violent sex. I also think it was also a form of self-punishment.

Then the flashback ends and we come back to present tense. Yashiro is enduring the sex with Inami, when sudden images of Doumeki invade his mind. This isn’t really anything new— Yashiro always thinks of someone else, someone kind and gentle, when he’s having painful sex. But this time there’s a big difference from before:

But now in 47, Yashiro has a different thought process: “Suddenly I realized, there’s no need to get rid of anything if I didn’t know it in the first place.” I think this has two meanings.

First, if we go back a bit in chapter 47, we see Yashiro refer to Inami and other men as rapists. Terminology is important, because it determines how we interpret meaning and events. If Yashiro understands that he was raped, then he also understands that he didn’t “want it.” He didn’t invite it, he didn’t enjoy it, and it’s also not his fault it happened. This changes his whole self-perception as well. Before, Yashiro believed he was perverted and twisted because he was addicted to violent sex, well into his adulthood. But once he realized that the act of rape impacted his life in ways he didn’t wish for, he was able to connect the dots and see himself as a victim/survivor, rather than a pervert. This realization also means that Yashiro is looking back on his life with with a deep sense of sadness, for knowing that he never knew love and respect before Doumeki. One of the reasons Yashiro abandoned Doumeki 4 years ago is because he didn’t want to “corrupt and sully” his beauty and purity with his own twistedness. So, if we put this information together, Yashiro has concluded that there is no reason to get rid of Doumeki because he himself is not a twisted person, and he ought to experience beauty at least once in his life… I’ll talk more about this further down, but I think this is the overarching theme of this chapter.

And the second meaning is more straightforward. Chapter 46 opens with Yashiro thinking: “I thought I knew him” (or something to that effect). Yashiro thought he knew all of Doumeki, yet as he’s come to realize over the last few days, he doesn’t quite know him as well as he thought. I don’t think I have to give any examples of Doumeki’s changes because we are all aware that he is different, but if I had to give one example, I would say:

I think this has said this before, but it’s is a stark contrast from 4 years ago:

I don’t think I have to explain the importance of autonomy and living for yourself first. I think the previous panel perfectly summarizes Doumeki’s maturity and growth. Doumeki has truly outgrown his boyish fascination with Yashiro that bordered on self-destruction and delusion, and has become a man with goals and principles that will outlive whatever circumstance he is currently in. This is not to say that he is incapable of loving Yashiro, but rather, this simply means that there is a place and time for all of life’s pleasures— love is one of them, but so is autonomy.

Yashiro is more than aware of this. In fact, the absence of autonomy was one of the reasons he let Doumeki go:

Back to this quote: “Suddenly I realized, there’s no need to get rid of anything if I didn’t know it in the first place,” accompanied by this image:

The Doumeki in Yashiro’s imagination is the one that looks him in the eyes and says what he thinks. It’s not the Doumeki following him around blindly:

The person Yashiro thought he knew turned out to be a lot more self-assured, independent, and wise, unlike the little bird who would fall to his death to follow Yashiro without thought. This is not someone Yashiro has to worry over either corrupting or endangering, because he is already a fully-formed individual with his own values, beliefs, and agency.

Back to Inami’s bedroom. After the sex, Yashiro asks for information about the Okuyama Group, which Inami offers up. Then Inami asks Yashiro to share his info. Yashiro refuses, saying his body should suffice as payment. Inami turns to him, and asks whether Yashiro is placing too much value on “being a tranny.” Yashiro smiles and tells him “no, try to understand the premise,” which basically just means that their deal is: sex for info. Inami gets sex, Yashiro gets info. The deal is not: we both get sex and then we share info. Inami, however, doesn’t seem to understand the premise— he thinks Yashiro wants sex from him.

When Inami drops Yashiro off, a similar sort of exchange happens, with Inami falsely believing that Yashiro wants to have sex with him. In this conversation by the car, Inami begins to insult Yashiro again. He tells Yashiro that he must be happy that another “decent” guy like Doumeki has fallen from grace. Inami is suggesting that Doumeki is decent, while Yashiro is not. Of course, this is referring to the fact that Yashiro lets men have hardcore sex with him.

Yashiro turns around and says, “decent, huh.” He was going to walk away, but he decides to lay it out again for Inami, so he understands the premise. Yashiro looks him in the face with a grin and says, “[Doumeki] thinks I’m the one wanting to have sex with you.” Surely this would ring some bells, but it doesn’t. Inami says, “but you do want to, don’t you? … you’re the one who wants to be treated violently.” Not only does Inami not understand Yashiro, but he also doesn’t understand himself. In his mind, Yashiro is the pervert in their relationship; Yashiro is the one that gets off on violence, not Inami. Inami thinks he is merely giving Yashiro what he wants. He’s deluded himself into believing that he’s a decent guy and Yashiro the sinner.

The Yashiro from 4 years ago believed this too. Yashiro always thought of himself as the masochist and pervert in all of his sexual relationships. Yet, what the relationship with Inami has shown us is that Yashiro is just a passive participant, often at the mercy of violent partners. Most of his sex partners have been yakuza that look down on gay men and treat them violently in bed. The same people then turn around and insult Yashiro, instead of acknowledging their own immoral behaviour. Yashiro had internalized the insults and beatings up until now.

In chapter 47, Yashiro calls Inami a rapist (in his mind) and challenges him head-on to acknowledge the true dynamic of their relationship. Again, this changes the onus of responsibility from Yashiro to Inami. This is a huge step for Yashiro. Like, really, really big. The shift in responsibility clears Yashiro of negative labels, including “pervert” and “twisted,” and goes back to my earlier statement about the overarching theme of this chapter. Yashiro has realized that he is not a bad person, and that he can and should be loved. When Doumeki shows up, Yashiro looks at him with a serene expression, and says, “he’s not my guard dog anymore,” meaning that Yashiro no longer fears corrupting an innocent and naive Doumeki, both because Yashiro is NOT a corrupting force and because Doumeki is mature enough to take care of himself.

And since I said I’d come back to the dream that was haunting Yashiro and subconsciously telling him to change: Yashiro has stopped resisting Doumeki’s advancement and is allowing himself more and more closeness. In chapter 48 Yashiro follows Doumeki back to Tsunakawa’s place, and of course, chooses Doumeki as his guard. None of this development would have been possible without the long-awaited recognition in chapter 47. Although it’s a long and slow process, Yashiro has started the hard job of forgiving himself.