#the way I've been thinking about it nonstop for 3? 4? nights now since i finished the book. i had to get it out

[iambecomeyourvillain]

no thoughts head empty just jean moreau learning love languages from the people around him who have finally treated him right. jean applying his newfound and uncertain knowledge instinctively on them in return when they're in need of it because he doesn't know how else to comfort them because affection is a such a foreign concept to him. and he tries to impose the fact that it's only an unnecessary weakness and distraction and not for him and YET does it so well. jean kissing cat on the forehead and hugging her. jean braiding laila's hair. jean protecting jeremy because jeremy promised to stay by him. correct me if im wrong but jean would fight would fight whoever necessary if it came to protecting neil because neil showed up in CA and ordered a hit out on a man who hurt jean within an hour of being there. jean telling lucas to keep kevin day's name out of his ignorant mouth and kevin arguing with interviewers on TV. jean observant moreau you fake idgaf-er. i see you being so fiercely protective of the people you care about despite the horrors you've been subjected to and im so proud of you it makes me sick

[cupidbedsy]

▷ we'll be okay ; the film effect

➪ summary: two weeks after their fight, gabe and will still aren't talking which leaves everyone around them worried and annoyed. with molly's help, gabe finds a way to apologize to will and he knows they'll be okay, or at least he hopes

➪ warnings: gabe and will's fight, gabe being insecure and self-conscious of his feelings, will being mad still... i think that's it

➪ word count: 6.0k

➪ cupid's notes: yay they made up ! anyway, this is probably one of my favorite things i've written and i really hope you guys like it <3

© cupidbedsy ; do not copy, repost, or translate my work and designs on any other website or here

Gabe had all but thrown himself into hockey these past few weeks. If he wasn’t in class, he was at the rink, if he wasn’t doing homework, he was at the rink, if he wasn’t eating, he was at the rink. It had seemed like the only thing in his life that he could control right now and he was going to take advantage of that. 

This had been the longest time he had ever gone without talking to Will, two weeks. It had been two weeks since he had blown up at Mack with his boyfriend and girlfriend watching, two weeks since he’s fucked up the most important thing in his life, and two weeks since he’s felt like he’s lost two of the most important people in his life. Two weeks of nonstop hockey and nights that consisted of 3-4 hours of sleep if he was lucky. 

Will himself couldn’t think straight even when he was at the rink. The words he said were engraved in his mind, closely followed by words he had heard. It was all beginning to overwhelm him. Which made ignoring people seem like the safest choice, he wouldn’t fuck up any more than he already had and nobody could get mad at him for doing something, so that’s what he did. 

He felt guilty each time he swiped away a text from Molly, each time he declined an invitation to hang out with Mack, each time he had said no to a team dinner or celebrating a win. Still, that guilt slowly just became another numb feeling he had, one that he shoved into the back of his mind. 

Molly, on the other hand, has had two weeks of nonstop worrying and annoyance. If it wasn’t Will she was worried about it was Gabe, if it wasn’t Gabe it was her grades, if it wasn’t her grades… well it was legit anything else that the universe had decided to throw at her just to fuck with her. And she, quite frankly was over it. 

She had spent a great deal of time sending text messages to her boyfriends, most of which went either unseen or unreturned. And if she was lucky enough that they had replied, it was a short and to-the-point text that consisted of ‘I’m fine. Have practice in an hour, talk later’ to which, they never really did talk later. 

She was starting to lose her mind at this point, if the two of them couldn’t figure this out on their own and wouldn’t accept help to figure this out, she wasn’t sure what that meant for the three of them. She wasn’t sure if this would be the end of them. Maybe she was being dramatic, but she had a right to be when Gabe and Will stuck her in the middle of their drama. She wasn’t about to pick sides, but it sure was a hell of a lot easier to get Gabe into shape when he was just down the street. 

ﾟ+*:୨୧:*﹤

The rink was colder than she had remembered, she hadn’t stepped foot in one since the fight, too many memories that she didn’t want to recall. She wrapped her jacket tighter around her, navigating through Conte Forum like it was her second home. 

The sound of skates on ice and sticks against pucks welcomed her as she got closer to where Gabe was in the middle of the ice, shooting pucks relentlessly at the net. When she found out he had been here, she hadn’t really been shocked, it was the same answer she had been getting any time she texted one of his teammates or stopped by his place. 

After the tenth shot at the net, she called out his name, halting his movements. She could see the way his body went rigid when he heard her voice, watching as he shook his head before going back to shooting as if he had only imagined it. 

“Gabe, please. Talk to me.”

He ignored her, continuing his movements. Despite knowing she could get in trouble by walking with her street shoes over the ice, she did it anyway, making her way towards him with slow movements, trying not to fall. It took her a minute to reach him, stopping him just as he lined up to take another shot, hand resting on his shoulder, “Baby.”

Her touch, or the nickname, caused him to stop completely, resting his stick by his side and head dropping down to look at his feet. The way he turned around to face her was like he was physically restraining himself from doing so, but her gentle touch and soft coaxing voice made him cave quickly. 

He still avoided her gaze as he came to a stop after turning around, looking quite literally anywhere but her face. He let her take his hand in hers, let her press a kiss to his cheek, let her eyes wander over his body searching for any signs of injury or exhaustion (which he knew she found plenty of), but when her fingers gripped his jaw, he did not let her turn his head. 

“Don’t,” He tried to make his voice sound stern and forceful, but it came out weak and cracked like he was gasping for another breath of air. 

“Look at me, Gabe.” 

He had to admit, she had done a much better job of making her voice sound stronger than he had. His eyes finally trailed over to her, crumbling as soon as their gazes met. She watched as tears brimmed in his eyes, reaching up to rub her thumb across the dark circle underneath one of them. He hadn’t allowed himself to cry since that night, and her bringing him into a hug made him break down fully, stick clattering to ice as he practically went limp in her arms. 

They stayed like that for a while, Molly’s hand in his hair and his arms wrapped around her waist as best as he could. The hoodie he was wearing felt so baggy on him that he was sure he had lost some weight over the past weeks, but that was just another thing he would worry about later. 

When he finally calmed down enough to pull away and wipe his tears, he could feel the cold seeping into his bones, shivering slightly as he removed himself from her warmth. She gave him a small smile, bending down to grab his stick, “Let’s go back to mine, yeah?”

ﾟ+*:୨୧:*﹤

A nice hot shower and a change of clothes later only made Gabe feel marginally better, but it was progress. That was what he told himself as sat on her bed, feet dangling off while watching her ruffle through draws until she found two Wii remotes and turned to him with a grin, “For old times sake?”

“Yeah.” He reached for one of them, moving over so she could sit next to him as he watched the Mario Kart screen load, clicking buttons until the character selection screen popped up. His cursor hovered between Mario and Luigi before he finally clicked on Luigi. 

The hesitation caused a slight crack in Molly’s heart, maybe she was expecting him to pick Mario, he always argued with Will over whether or not who was who until he gave in at one glance at Will’s puppy dog eyes and let him pick Mario. 

She clicked Donkey Kong, her favorite character for some unknown reason but she played as him every time and she had no intentions of stopping now. She let him pick the first course, and she wasn’t surprised when the familiar opening to DK Summit popped up. No matter how many times they played, they would always do the same order; DK Summit, Luigi Circuit, Mario Circuit, and then Rainbow Road, which they can all confidently say that they haven’t gotten first place yet, but it’ll happen… one day.

They played for the next hour, doing the same four courses over and over again, as they sat in silence beside the music and sounds of the game. When Molly crossed the finish line of Rainbow Road for the fifth time, she set the remote aside, looking over at him, “Ready to talk?”

Everything in Gabe’s mind screamed no, but for the first time in a while, he felt like he could breathe without sending himself into a panic attack. While one small step at a time was good for some people, he just wanted to get it all out of the way as quickly as possible. Why stop when he had so much motivation?

He gave her a small nod because even though he was ready to talk, he wasn’t sure how to start. She took his controller from him, setting them both on her desk before climbing back up on the bed. She smiled when his hand reached for hers, letting out a sigh of relief that went unnoticed by him. 

“What did you say?”

He closed his eyes for a minute, a little piece of him still trying to figure out if there was a way out of this but he quickly realized that there was no turning back. So taking a deep breath, he started talking, “Told him that I was annoyed with Mack being around all the time and that I thought he was trying to steal-”

He cut himself off, just the thought of Will’s name made his stomach churn. She nodded, “And what did he say?”

“Told me I was a child, was acting like a spoiled kid who wasn’t getting his way, and that I wasn’t trying to be friends with Mack, but he’s right I wasn’t.”

“You weren’t, yeah. But that doesn’t mean he also had to discredit your feelings.”

“But-”

“Gabe, let me tell you something. You have every right to feel how you feel, how you feel is appropriate to feel, I am a strong believer in that. But that also means that Will does too, and maybe it’s time that both of you start seeing it from each other’s point of view. This is not just a one-sided thing, both of you were wrong and both of you were right. Both of you said harsh and mean things, and both of you didn’t say a lot of things you wanted to say. 

“There is more to this than just you being jealous and Will being frustrated. There are many layers and it is going to take time to go through every single emotion you and him are feeling, but I know you love him and I know he loves you, and I know both of you would take the time to talk it out.”

Her words raced through his head, trying to cling to every single piece of information she was saying. It made sense, he knew that. He knew that there were things he could’ve said, maybe should’ve said but didn’t. He knew that Will’s words were right but also harsh.

“He won’t even talk to me.”

“And how do you know that? Have you tried texting him?”

“No.” He mumbled, pink coating his cheeks as he lied. He had reached out to him but didn’t want to voice that Will hadn’t responded out loud. It would make the rejection all too real. 

“That’s what I thought. I am not saying that you have to put more effort in than he does or vice versa, but maybe that’s what he needs to know you’re serious about this.”

Gabe bit his lip, that sounded like a good idea, but what could he do to make it up to him? He wasn’t about to send him a shit ton of flowers or gifts or fly to California with a script of words he wants to say, for two reasons. 1. He wasn’t the type of person to do that and 2. Will deserved more.

“Maybe you could… I don’t know, talk to Mack? Apologize, tell him you want to be friends, and move past this.”

He did feel bad for what he said, that was never okay and he knew it as soon as the words left his mouth but anger clouded any form of judgment he might’ve had in the moment. The past two weeks had given him time to reflect and he knew every negative feeling towards Mack had felt wrong and unjustified.

Will had never given Gabe a reason not to trust him, so the moment he said Mack wasn’t trying to get with him he should’ve believed him. And he should’ve seen the blatant attempt of approval Mack was seeking every time he would talk, or try to talk to him. He knew he was a jerk, a dick, every single synonym on this planet for ‘dumbass’ and ‘asshole’ was what he would use to classify himself right now. 

He would apologize to Mack, he would make it up to Will and Molly, and he would make it up to himself. Well, the first two were objectively more important, he could get around to making it up to himself. 

ﾟ+*:୨୧:*﹤

The next day Gabe sat with Molly in the student center, Gabe anxiously fiddling with his phone as he deleted and added words to his ongoing apology to Mack and Molly sat with her knees tucked into her chest, planning out a new film idea for class. 

She looked up at him, eyes growing fond as she saw him, “It doesn’t have to be perfect, baby. Why don’t you just start by texting him hi, I don’t think Mack really wants to get out of practice to see over 200 words of you rambling.”

“Oh ha ha, you’re so funny. You should be a comedian if being behind the camera doesn’t work out for you.”

“Actually, I think I’ll make it my part-time job, but I have two years to figure that out. Plus why would I need to be a comedian when I’d have two rich NHL boyfriends?”

He stared at her, looking back down at his phone, “Yeah if I haven’t scared one of them off already.”

Her smile had turned downwards, a frown across her face now as she reached out to hold his hand, “He still loves you.”

“I know I just-” He fiddled with his phone case, pulling the corner off before putting it back on. He wasn’t sure how to express the doubt in his mind, if that was even what he could call it. Maybe if he denied the feeling long enough it would just go away and he wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore. 

“That’s another thing you have to stop doing.” It was like Molly could read him from the inside out and he didn’t know if he was supposed to be grateful or terrified about it. 

He glanced up at her, “Doing what?”

“Shoving everything to the back of your mind. I know you don’t always want to share what’s going in that head of yours, but that’s what we’re here for.”

We’re. She said it so casually that it dug into him the slightest bit, he didn’t deserve Will’s obsessive worrying and him caring about him, not after everything he said to him. 

He looked back at his phone, swiping into his text messages to send Mack a ‘hi’ like she had told him to. She was right, she always was, but he wouldn’t tell her that in fear of her ego inflating more than it already was. 

When he clicked send, he placed his phone down on the table, watching her as she continued going between writing things down and editing footage on her laptop. He had missed being in her presence, he shouldn’t have shut her out, she did nothing wrong to deserve it and he and Will had placed her in the middle of them, again.

“I’m sorry.”

She looked up, pushing her glasses onto her head as she fully abandoned her work now, “I already told you you didn’t need to apologize-”

“Not for the fight, I mean yes but- fuck. I’m sorry we put you in the middle of us, you shouldn’t have to deal with us both being grade-A assholes and shouldn’t have to choose between us. We’re your boyfriends, not your friends who are fighting over you. And for shutting you out these past couple weeks, I should’ve come to you and talked to you but I just- I felt like I wasn’t allowed to, or at least that’s what my brain was telling me.” 

He trailed off, unsure of how to continue his apology. When he looked back at her, he saw the soft expression on her face and knew that he said enough, or at least enough for her to grasp what he was trying to say, and at that moment, he knew at least the two of them would be okay.

ﾟ+*:୨୧:*﹤

It wasn’t until Gabe and Molly were at lunch that Mack responded to him. His phone lit up with the notification and Molly was the first to notice it, nodding her head towards the device. He opened the phone to see the text, it was just as short as he had been, a simple ‘Hey’. He was surprised when another text came through quickly after, ‘Everything okay?’

He should’ve expected it, he had never texted Mack on his own accord. Scratch that, he had never texted Mack, period. If he needed something from Will and he wasn’t responding he would make Molly text Mack and ask if he was asleep. 

Molly watched as her boyfriend’s face went through the five stages of grief before she talked, “What did he say?”

“Asked if everything was okay,” Gabe murmured, setting his fork down and taking his phone into both hands, staring down at his lap.

“Just send your mini essay. It’s going to be fine, Gabe. I promise. Mack understands already, trust me, he would want nothing more than to put this all behind him and actually be friends with you.”

He nodded, but that was it. She went back to eating as he copied and pasted his rant from his notes into the message bar. After rereading it 10 times, he thought it was decent enough to send, it wouldn’t make up for the countless times he had ignored him and what he had said the other day, but it bridged the gap in their soon-to-be friendship. 

He put his phone back down, shoving it under his leg, knowing Mack would spend at least two minutes reading everything he had spilled to him made him anxious. He took a bite of his food, trying to continue his conversation with Molly in the meantime. 

ﾟ+*:୨୧:*﹤

If Gabe had a dollar for every right thing Molly had said today he wouldn’t need to sign an NHL contract to be a millionaire. Okay, maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration but it was true, she had said so many right things today that he didn’t know why he didn’t listen to her in the first place. 

He had spent that last hour texting Mack about random things and becoming friends after Mack had written an extensive text about how he wasn’t totally upset but was grateful for his apology. Maybe they were more alike than he thought they were. 

However, the distraction Mack was providing slowly faded away when he got his newest text from him, ‘Have you talked to Will yet?’

Thankfully, Molly had been next to him when he got the text and gave him a comforting smile, “Would it be easier to talk about it out loud?”

He nodded, yeah she knew him too well. So Molly called Mack from her phone, propping it against her pillows as the two sat on her bed, waiting for him to answer. His face lit up the screen seconds later, and from the space behind him, he was in his apartment. 

“Will’s not here,” his voice was soft as he got himself comfy on his bed. “He went out with some of the guys earlier.”

Molly’s hand wrapped around Gabe’s, giving it a reassuring squeeze that urged him to talk, “I sent him a few texts, sometime last week but he never responded and I haven’t tried since.”

“You did? I thought you said you didn’t.”

“I did, but- it’s not important right now, Molls.”

She gave him a hesitant nod before turning her attention to Mack, “I send him a couple a day, only replies with short answers, can’t get much out of him.” 

“Yeah he doesn’t talk much but he acts like everything’s okay. I know the team knows something's wrong, Logan’s tried to get him to go out with them and this is the first time he accepted it.” 

“I don’t know what to do.” Gabe’s voice was small, like a child who was admitting that they broke their parents' beloved vase. “If he won’t talk to me, and he’s barely talking to you and Molls…:

“I think you guys should come out here, this weekend. I know you got a game Friday so I guess after that or Saturday? You could come to the game and then you can talk it out, plus it’s our last game before Four Nations so then he could always go back with you guys.”

The two thought about it, it did sound like a good plan. But would it work out, the two had no clue. No risk, no reward. The thought echoed through Gabe’s mind. He knows he said he wasn’t the type of person to just fly out spontaneously, but that was before he apologized to Mack.

“We’ll be there.”

ﾟ+*:୨୧:*﹤

When they stepped into SAP Center, their nerves heightened. Even though Will was however many feet away from them they felt as if he just knew they were there, and that made unease flow through them naturally. 

Gabe had spent the past few days preparing for what he was going to say tonight, and even now he still didn’t know what he was going to. But once again, that was a thought for later, all he wanted to do right now was enjoy watching the game and enjoy having Molly by his side as she had for the past week since she set him straight. 

Despite what he told himself, he did think about what he was going to say almost the whole game, during play, during intermission, during timeouts, it was a constant battle of trying to watch the game as he typed away on his phone. 

“You know, if you keep stressing about it, it’s only going to make it worse. It might not be as bad as you think it’s going to be.” Molly’s voice cut through all the screaming and cheering after Toffoli scored a goal. 

He only answered when the crowd settled again, “I know. Kind of hard to convince my mind of that though.”

“Trust me, I know it is. But sometimes you have to override that thought, Gabe. It’s not going to get easier if you don’t stick up for yourself against yourself.”

“Are you sure you shouldn’t be a writer or some shit?”

“Yeah, almost failed English in high school. Which is why I just come up with the ideas and let my friends write them. Not my strong suit, I just work the camera.”

He gave her a half-smirk, “So you’re the behind-the-scenes guy?”

“Mhm. Always plotting.”

“M’sure you are.”

More cheers rang out and the two turned their attention to where a group of blue jerseys swarmed together on the ice, the clock had ticked down faster than they thought it would, faster than they wished it would.

They sat, watching as most of the fans made their way out of the arena and back to their cars. By the time they found the will to move, only half the arena’s seats were still filled and they were both sure it was just to watch the interview that was happening on the ice. 

Will had gotten first star of the game after two goals and two assists, beaming as brightly as he could. The two could tell from where they sat that there was dimness in his eyes, tightness in his voice as he spoke to the interviewer, and stood with a tense figure as he tried to make it through. 

It was nice to hear his voice, it was the first time they heard it in person since that day, strictly relying on old voice memos and videos if they wanted to hear it. They hadn’t realized how much they loved getting those from him until they stopped. 

They got up out of their seats once he left the ice, making their way down to the tunnel to wait for him. Mack was the first to come out and both of them couldn’t help the disappointment that covered their face when they didn’t see the usual blond mop of curls trailing behind him. 

He gave them a small smile once he saw them, bringing Molly into a hug and giving Gabe whatever weird handshake thing boys usually did. Molly let herself smile at the interaction, it was just a step closer to working everything out, and she was proud of him for it. 

“It’ll probably be a few before he comes out, he’s just been sitting in there after games until he absolutely has to leave and then he’ll start getting ready to go.”

Gabe let out a low hum in acknowledgment, eyes fluttering back to where he knew his boyfriend could walk out at any minute. Then they fell into an easy conversation, mostly about what they had been doing the past few weeks and other random things that had come up. 

“Mack didn’t know what a date was.”

“Like going on a date or…?”

“You two I swear to god. The fruit!”

“Oh. There’s a fruit?”

Will wasn’t sure if he was dreaming or not as he turned the corner, stopping when he caught sight of the three who were laughing about something he couldn’t figure out. Blinking steadily, he pinched himself on the wrist and when the small burst of pain shot through him, he knew for a fact that his girlfriend, his best friend, and his boyfriend were all talking and having a good time like nothing had happened. 

He was sure he was angry, but again he didn’t know what he had been feeling these two weeks, everything he felt would just turn numb in the hours after he acknowledged it. He gained the courage to walk the few steps towards them, closing the gap. 

Molly saw him first, biting her lip and falling silent as she looked at him; dark circles, eyebags, exhaustion, everything was the same as when she saw Gabe earlier in the week. Gabe and Mack didn’t take long to recognize her silence, following her gaze to where Will stood, clad in his suit and hair wet from the quick shower he took. 

“They flew out this morning,” Mack’s voice was soft, like every other time he had tried to speak to Will since everything had happened. 

He gave a brief nod, letting his eyes go from Molly to Gabe and then back to Molly and back to Gabe, before settling on his friend again, “I’m ready to go.”

Both Molly and Gabe’s hearts cracked at his cold tone, feeling as if he didn’t care that they were there. Mack placed a handout, stopping Will from walking any further away from them, “Hear him out please.”

“And you know what he has to say?” He kept his volume low, trying not to let the emotion that flooded his voice show. 

“He texted me earlier this week, Tuesday,” Mack started, he hadn’t told him about his conversation with Gabe and Molly, or at least until now. “Apologized, for everything. And then we just talked. He really is sorry Will. I don’t think he would’ve reached out to me if he wasn’t.”

Will took in the information, trying to process it but it just floated around in his head like a fly he couldn’t catch. When he looked back over to the two, his tone had softened but he still kept his guard up, “You coming?”

ﾟ+*:୨୧:*﹤

The car ride to Mack and Will’s apartment was all quiet, no one spoke as turns were made and lights were passed. They pulled into the parking lot of the apartment complex, sitting in heavy silence for a few minutes before getting out of the car. 

Molly and Gabe took the stairs while the other two rode the elevator up. They got two flights of stairs in when Molly murmured, “It’s going to be okay, we’re going to be okay.”

“Mhm, I know. Or at least I hope I do.”

They reached their floor a couple of minutes later, walking out of the stairwell to see Mack and Will deep in conversation with each other. It didn’t take long for them to notice the two, letting them follow them to their apartment. 

Mack stuck his key in, turning and unlocking the door before pushing it open and letting the three step inside. The four kicked their shoes off and then just stood there awkwardly. Frustration grew in Mack’s head before he eventually was over Gabe being too scared to admit his wrongs and Will being too stubborn to let him speak, “Okay. I’m done with this.”

Eyes fell on him but he ignored their stares and wrapped a hand around both of their arms before leading them towards Will’s room and shoving them in there, “Do not come out until this shit is fixed. You two aren’t the only ones suffering because of this.”

Will and Gabe turned to Molly who stood there nervously, fiddling with her hands and rocking back and forth on her heels. They softened simultaneously, Mack was right, they had put her through enough and it was time they fixed that and made it up to her, but they couldn’t do it without talking it out with each other first. 

The door closed and left the two alone in the confines of Will’s bedroom, hoodies and shirts were lying on the ground, takeout containers shoved in the overflowing trashcan, and a heavy, musty smell took over their senses. 

“Sorry about the mess.” Will started picking up shirts and throwing them in his laundry basket, his need to stress clean overwhelming him. 

Gabe’s hand grabbed ahold of his wrist, stopping him from moving, “Don’t do that, not now. Please.”

He didn’t face him, not yet, staring at his crumbled sheets from when he didn’t even attempt to make his bed this morning. He felt Gabe’s hand move down to his hand, lacing their fingers together. That was when he turned, looking over his face and seeing the tiredness that was written over it, he was sure it matched the tiredness on his own. 

He gave him a nod, allowing him to go on, “I’m sorry- I know I’m sorry doesn’t fix anything, let me speak, please.”

Gabe knew that when Will opened his mouth he was going to let out something along the lines of ‘sorry isn’t going to cut it’, he always did. He guided him to sit on the bed before he sat next to them, keeping their fingers intertwined. 

“I know what I said was wrong and hurtful, I never should’ve said what I said to Mack and I never should’ve said what I said to you, even though I did mean it, a little bit.” Gabe’s thumb started absentmindedly running over Will’s knuckles, a habit he had gained whenever he had started to become restless or anxious, “And while I am sorry about how I chose to… display my feelings, I’m not going to apologize for how I felt. 

“For a while, it was easy to pass the feelings off as jealousy and whatnot but the more and more the two of you hung out and the more and more the two of you were in videos together, I think it made me realize how much I missed just having you as a teammate and how different it was not to have you around. 

“You’ve never done anything to make me feel like you would cheat on me or whatever and I should’ve recognized that a lot earlier. I also should’ve acknowledged you’re point of view on this. I know Mack has been there for you since the beginning of the season and I know how much he means to you and I shouldn’t have let my feelings and insecurities get in the way of your friendship.”

He took a deep breath, unsure if he had said enough or if he should keep going. But before he could let his mind spiral into more thoughts and choices, he heard Will’s voice and the soft squeeze of his hand, “I’m sorry too.”

Will was overcome with emotions from Gabe’s apology and honestly, he didn’t even have to say all of it to know he meant it, from the moment he found out that he had reached out to Mack on his own accord he had forgiven him, maybe even before that. 

“I know that no matter what I say is going to live up to that,” the two let out wet chuckles before he continued. “But I am sorry for saying that you were acting like a child. I also should’ve seen things from your perspective and I didn’t, and it probably would’ve made a lot more sense if I had.”

He let himself reach up to run a hand through Gabe’s hair which made him instantly melt into his touch. He listened as Will continued speaking but most of the words fell deaf upon his years. He should be listening, he knew that, but he was just so grateful to actually talk to them that the topic at hand didn’t really matter. 

Meanwhile, Mack and Molly sat in the living room where Molly was critiquing a shitty movie he had put on, it was one of her favorite stress-relieving tactics. 

“How’re you holding up?”

She sighed, nibbling on her bottom lip, “Okay.”

“You’re not.”

“I know.” She curled her knees into her chest, fidgeting with her earrings, “Do you know how hard it is to make two 19-year-olds speak to each other?”

Mack laughed, bringing her into a side hug, “Do you know how hard it is having to deal with a mopey and frustrated Will?”

“Probably the same as dealing with an insecure and guilt-ridden Gabe.”

They heard the click of the door, heads snapping towards it to see the two walk out of the bedroom still hand-in-hand. When she saw it, she smiled and let out a sigh of relief, making her way over to them. She brought them into a hug, her grasp firm, “Please tell me you two are okay.”

“We are sweetheart,” Gabe’s hand brushed the strands of hair that fell into her face behind her ear, pressing a kiss to her head, “We are.”

“I’m sorry we put you in the middle of this, we never should’ve done it and-”

“If one of you apologizes to me one more time, I’m seriously going to lose my fucking mind more than I already have. And if you two ever and I mean ever fight like that again, I’m breaking up with you.”

Will nodded, kissing her temple, “I don’t doubt it, sweet girl. I don’t.”

Mack stood from the couch, making his way to his room to give the three their privacy. He only made it halfway before a call of his voice stopped him in his tracks, turning to see Gabe staring at him. He raised his eyebrow in question, “Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

He just nodded in response, continuing his trek to his room. Will watched the exchange before looking back down where Molly stood, bringing the two of them closer together. At that moment, for the first time in two weeks, all three of them knew that they were going to be okay.

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@winterbarnesblog @delilaahh9 @digitalhughes-jpg @rowdyluv @fantillisgirl @macklin-celebrini-71

THE FILM EFFECT MASTERLIST ; AU'S

TAGLIST ; NHL MASTERLIST ; NAVIGATION

[masterjedilenawrites]

Hello, m'lady!

If you don't mind, here are some incoherent thoughts about some of the Bois that came to my mind after reading around in your brilliant writing. You said you wouldn't mind my incoherent thoughts, so I thought I'd share them! (I'm still working on my incoherent Bad Batch thoughts, btw)

I want to hug Jesse. Like, he's hot as hell no questions asked, but I also just want to hug him. Like, a long hug. And tell him that he's loved and that he's enough and wonderful exactly as he is.

Also, I want to cook for all the clones, but these vibes are the strongest with Wrecker, and, for some reason, Hardcase and Fives.

Also, my ideal date is going to one of those public strawberry picking fields where you can just... walk around and fill your basket with strawberries, and afterwards go home and bake strawberry cake, and I'm going to drop that in this context.

Also I find it so interesting how non-commitical Rex actually is; like, who would've guessed that a guy with such a spit-death-in-the-face attitude on the battlefield would be so scared to let someone into his heart.

Also, I low-key wanna call Cody Marshall Commander, Sir and see what happens >:3

I haven't even consumed any Delta Squad material, but solely the writing on this blog made me love them all and (idk, maybe they've met in canon XD) I think Boss and Cody would get along.

And someone should tell Fixer to go tf to sleep, I'm sensing that he doesn't do that *nearly* enough.

Someone should also tell Kix that always putting others first and neglecting his own needs is not what being a good, compassionate person is about, and that he's worth it.

I could go on and on, damn, but lemme just say that your depiction of the Bois really helped shape a more 3-dimensional and rich picture of them in my head and that is awesome :)

Also thank you sm for my date set-up again, I'd 100% ask the dear commander for a second date.

I've been thinking about these gems nonstop since you dropped them in my inbox! 💙 I love getting thoughts like this so keep them coming! I don't get to talk about these wonderful clone men IRL so this is my only outlet 😅

And just so you know, I did intend to respond like a normal person and just... piggyback on your thoughts, share a few of my own, call it a day... but then my hand slipped and now I have 8 whole one-shots to share instead 😳😳

So, in honor of May the Fourth, I've got my 8 stories queued up to post throughout today (5/4), all based on what you shared here! We've got hurt/comfort, we've got silliness, we've got slice-of-life, we've even got some spice.... I had so much fun writing these and I hope you all enjoy them! 

Thanks for the inspo, friend! Wishing everyone a fantastic Star Wars day! 🌟

JESSE

Jesse definitely needs a good, solid hug every once in a while. Be prepared for his reaction, though, it'll be quite an emotional moment for him...

WRECKER (+Fives and Hardcase)

They do say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...

BLACKOUT

Why not go on this ideal date with your new beau, Blackout? 😃

REX

His fear of commitment is interesting, huh? But he does have many loved ones who will help him work through that fear...

CODY

Oh boy, you'd best be ready for a long night after a line like that...

BOSS & CODY

They're leaders with different styles, different responsibilities, different crews... and yet they're bonded together like two old men who just met in the power tools aisle...

FIXER TECH

Actually, I headcanon that Fixer is an early bird. It's more likely that someone would tell him to go back to sleep.

Tech on the other hand...

KIX

There aren't a lot of people Kix would listen to if they told him that. Thankfully you're one of them...

[a-moth-to-the-light]

Comeback Celebration: Revisiting The Book of Us: The Demon

So, this was the album that made me pay attention to Day6! Though it was their next album, Negentropy, that put them on my favorite artists list, The Demon is definitely a standout album from 2020. After that album, I became enough of a fan to start exploring their past tracks--during which time I experienced, of course, the obligatory listening to "Shoot Me" for three days nonstop phase.

The Demon was a huge emotional statement that met a lot of people exactly where they were at in 2020, I think, and I was one of those people. I'm super picky about albums--though I love lots of songs every year, not many albums are cohesive enough for my taste. The Demon, though, was an album I loved listening to all the way though. It managed to be both a bitter, exhausted blur & a collection of wildly catchy songs that could each stand on their own. In celebration of Day6's return, let's take a look at The Demon again--it's been a while since I've heard some of these tracks!

1. Day and Night

This isn't my favorite Day6 song, but it's definitely top five. I think it was my favorite track from this album right from the beginning--though "1 to 10" was tough competition--and it's definitely still my most-listened track from The Demon. Actually, I bet it's my most-listened track from Day6 as a whole.

Listening again, it's wild just how comforting I find the melodies. Two lines in, and I already feel like I'm coming home from a long trip. The harmonies are wonderful, and I'm obsessed with Sungjin's performance here. I think what I love most about "Day and Night" is that, even as it manages to be genuinely sonically cheerful, pulling itself together into a friendly, upbeat mask, the signature Day6 angst still shows through. (Come to think of it, that's also what I love most about my actual favorite Day6 song, "everyday we fight".) The vocals seem all-to-frequently on the verge of bursting into a full-on wailing ballad, but they're always reined back in, as if the speaker is reminding themself--no, you're singing a cute pop song, you can't be sad. Maybe it's that push-and-pull I find comforting--there's just enough overwhelming emotion hidden in this song that my own emotions can find an outlet, without really having to delve into how crappy I feel. It's like the perfect amount of escapism? Though, at this point, it might just be that I know this song like the back of my hand, and that's what I find comforting--I really did live off this one for a couple of years.

2. Zombie

This is the least exciting track off the album, but I think that's kind of the point. Day6 songs are big and dramatic, like, all the time (which is, of course, why I stan them). So the most impactful emotional statement of this comeback was just... making the title track this kind of dull, soft number. Don't get me wrong, though, because I do actually like this song! The chorus is iconic--I would recognize it anywhere--and that Coldplay-esque electric guitar is gorgeous. Funny enough, I remember "Zombie" being softer & quieter than it actually is. Maybe I remember singing it to myself, a half-whisper without the instrumental, more than I remember the actual song?

3. Tick Tock

Now this is what exhaustion sounds like. This song has a bunch of beautiful vocal moments going on--I think they're what makes this album so listenable, even in its darkest moods. When the vocals aren't there, though, and you're just left with that plodding guitar? And that incessant drum, too, forcing you into a pace just slow enough to be uncomfortable? That's atmosphere, that's for sure. No wonder I loved this song in my junior year of high school--it totally understood me in my silence, silence and barely getting by, dreading every day that I had to put one foot in front of the other.

4. Love me or Leave me

I was not expecting this, of all things, to be Day6's #3 song on Spotify. Like, I listened to it as much as the next guy for all of 2020... and a lot of 2021... but I don't know, it was never my favorite from the album? And I definitely don't like it more than "Better Better" </3

... Okay, I did forget how delightful this instrumental is. The house influences are meshed in so perfectly, especially in the prechoruses. It's fun because it's dance music, but it's also fun because it's inventive in some very exciting ways, and the melodies make my heart feel like it's going to explode!! Yeah, I guess I kind of get it...

5. STOP

The only thing I remembered about this song is that the guitar tastes like dirt--which I was definitely right about, like damn that's an interesting texture! The instrumental is... unpleasantly exciting? (Shoutout to the video-game-shooting noises, whatever those are.) "STOP" is also super singable--I'm surprised I didn't remember how delightful these vocal parts are! I've developed more of a taste for rock music over the years, which might be why I'm enjoying this one so much on revisiting--it might be my new favorite from the album, actually!

6. 1 to 10

This remains a classic, straightforward angst track! There's plenty of lovely belting in the verses and the chorus, reminding me that I'm human and need to breathe.

7. Afraid

Isn't there a Reddit poll somewhere that says this is the best Day6 song ever? I see why it sticks with people--it's loud, but all the layers don't turn the sadness to anger, instead they turn it to this all-consuming, desperate hope instead. The chorus is this expansive, energetic, living thing, and some of its life rubs off on me--what am I going to do with all this sadness? Make it into courage, I guess.

Overall...

Wow, this was fantastic--I remembered The Demon as a solid album, but not this compelling. I remember this album as The Burnout Album; in my memory, it's static, forever in quarantine. Revisiting The Demon, though, I was fully invested in lipsync karaoke for at least half of these tracks. I think it's the vocal performances that fill each song with energy and motion, and they give the album its cohesiveness, too--they make The Demon's world flow together into this strange pop-rock landscape that's consistent, if only in that it can't seem to settle comfortably anywhere. Pop-rock usually tries to find a happy medium between the two genres, taking the most compatible parts of each, but The Demon seems to pick the least compatible parts and pull them together (quite impressively, I think) by sheer force of will. I'm really in love with all the creativity in this album, the variety of influences it draws from; and, looking back, I definitely see that chaotic spark in it, the one that got me sooo obsessed with Negentropy in 2021, even if The Demon's mood is a lot darker.

My Ranking: STOP >> Day and Night >> Tick Tock >> Love me or Leave me >> 1 to 10 >> Afraid >> Zombie

[regular-lord-reckoner]

well, what a week this has been !!

our downstairs ac unit and our water heater decided to tear up at the exact same time !!

so, i spent a good chunk of yesterday just cleaning out the space to get the water heater so my mom wouldn't have to do any of it later

that was one good thing about it being 59 degrees down there! the upstairs one still works just fine but like....hot air rises so i even double checked, but yeah, 70 degrees with the fan on and it didn't do a damn thing for the downstairs so

anyway

i got it all cleared out and a plumber is supposed to be on his way now. he had some emergency cases come up but said he still wanted to come check it out.

my dad had told my mom that the water heater was going to go soon, so we kinda figured. i have taken two...very cold showers this week but it's all good. made the pink stay in my hair longer so there's that

had therapy after that but it was a good session so that was nice. she said i was doing better than i was a year ago and i guess i can see that. even a little bit of progress is still progress and even if i'm the only one that sees it

mostly what i've been dealing with is just...exhaustion. with all this wacky thermostat shit there have been so many nights the aux heat has kicked on downstairs and made it insufferable upstairs so i wake up at like 4 am and just can't get back to sleep

i've been working 50 hour weeks pretty much nonstop for months now but i'm trying to at least not get so stressed during the work day, especially when doing chores eats up all my time like it did yesterday

i ended up having to do all the work i was supposed to do yesterday today which ended up taking all day but i just took my time for the most part and tried not to get too overwhelmed for no good reason

good news, though!! i got it all done. i've been trying to help out my mom more since this whole neck/arm situation started a few weeks ago. i hate that she's been in pain for so long and we still don't really have any concrete answers.

her pcp just wanted to talk about other shit besides this injury but she did at least order an mri which i'm going with her to get done tomorrow so hopefully that'll give us some answers or at least figure out what to do next.

she's been able to get some relief but not entirely and it's also been causing her to lose sleep so we're a pretty sad bunch by the end of every week the pair of us but we're pulling through !!

in the mean time, someone did come out earlier about the ac and i think it ended up being something about the compressor? they'll have to order a part so it'll be sometime next week but i think the weather is supposed to get warmer then so if it takes a minute i think we'll be okay because i can then at least run the cool air upstairs and it should be fine downstairs

mom's keeping warm by the fireplace and has a heated blanket as well and she said at night she can run a little heater in her room and it works just fine so we'll be okay with that and i can take more cold showers if need be especially if it does heat up that's no problem

wild how the other day it started out 70 damn degrees and humid as shit and then it rained and dropped down to 40 degrees immediately

can't wait to see what kinda interesting spring weather we're about to have. also can't believe it's already march holy shit

the way i'm perceiving time these days is just completely and utterly fucked so that seems especially unreal to me

alright, i think i've rambled enough for now and i've typed a lot today so i'm going to give my fingers a rest (lol) and just scroll for a while, turn this old brain off as best as i can even though it never goes off completely

hope it's a good weekend for you if you're reading this, even if you have to work or have some other bullshit you don't want to do. try to get some rest somewhere in there and so will i <3

ps: plumber just got here !!

[insectsinsects]

December is always really vivid to me. I hadn't had a memorable July till this year but winter months seem to carry everything and more about a year. Maybe to it's detriment? It's overwhelmed with thoughts and greetings and travel and metamorphosis? I wonder if those guys who don't use the Gregorian calendar are forced to feel it too. Just the majority of people worrying and smiling and maybe it's a regular Tuesday for them?

Anyway 6 Decembers ago was my first Christmas away from home. I'd spent the summer carelessly and I was tired from boarding school. I think I've always been reckless and volatile, though I feel I am perceived as a stable element. Careless summer was spent driving around my hometown with a funny girl who I knew from choir and we were twitter mutuals. The brutal semester was spent with a person who'd patiently sit down with me and share the ways in which they loved physics. And of course, my parents came down and I hadn't been 4 months separated from them but I was used to their presence after 16 years so it was actually nice.

5 Decembers ago I was unknowingly allied with a future friend's enemy O_O She'd sit on my couch in my dorm and played the role of a wise confidant, as an upperclassman. I hope nothing was ever malicious but oomf did come to hate her next semester for fine reasons so? 😭 Her birthday is tomorrow, and I've always remembered that Saggitarian... And honestly by sometime that year I had begun avoiding physics person (on brand..) and I wrote a time capsule email about it (to myself in 5 year's time!) because I didn't have a blog and because I wanted to see if I could possibly get over it (I did!!!) I was a bit afraid of spotty wifi in the Philippines, so I submitted college apps 3 weeks early LMAO Victoria was waiting on a job offer from her boss who we'd come to learn was a little terribe, but that same night she was confirmed and moved to DC a week after we came back from that trip to the motherland.

4 Decembers ago?! I had met the newest crop of friends I was going to make. New York was so fun. Everything endless and memorable. Flying back used to be tough! They only introduced nonstop flights to Oklahoma like last year😑 But I flew out early and away from my beloved suitemates, my terrible roommate, my friends on other floors, classmate-turned-oomf, and so much more.

3 Decembers ago I'd been attending a different university since NYU was being stingy😭 OU actually treated me so well omg and my classes were fun. I guess by December I was wrapping up but I took a class on film music and I would joyously write an essay about some movie music each week and my professor just littered it with happy comments. I think she was glad I read the textbook and was enthused to learn. Also two weeks later, I got my whole head bleached and my hair was pretty long (not really, but Rapunzel-like to ME and probably if you've only ever known me with a bob/wolfbob). Also (2) I was in the Gensh*n pits (I don't want it in the tags...)

2 Decembers ago! My sister and her now husband were engaged and the three of us went on a mini-roadtrip to Dallas 😭 I like Garrett, he's like if a father figure was considerate... and Kathryn's got 17 years of light parentification on her belt ☠️ Garrett and I got XL Blizzards from DQ and almost died finishing them. Oh they also saw me get my roots done :O Barber cut it way too short but maybe it was cute. Junior year was so funny and cute💖 I worked hard and I was back home pretty late due to a stats final (Bombed)

Last December I spent my last week with my last set of randomized roommates and my friends! This was a funny time of year. I did a crazy amount that last week and in many ways it was a bender (Avatar in 4D cocktail☠️) but I do know oomf (yes you!) was the last person I saw. We played Minecraft on your Xbox after I obtained a second controller over Thanksgiving. We drank tall boys? I checked into my flight easily and I went home anxiously. I wonder if I could've seriously applied to school back then (Because it was lowkey not that serious lol) [actually I should be forced to reckon with my tantrums and the many times per week I was like IT'S OVER..] but I hadn't applied to school! And I was nervous to tell my parents that though I was a big investment, I was a failure. I cut my bangs too short on December 18 and hid it under a hat for a week till it grew a little more. I felt weird having red hair in Oklahoma, though it was cool to my contemporaries? My mom was sad knowing how much grief the thoughts were causing me. She told me I should rely on her more and talk to her. It's taken me all of the ensuing year to really be good about that advice. It's just easier to fail myself. I had tunnel vision— the potential for shame was only accompanied by a sense of pity and contempt. I genuinely couldn't believe my family would continue loving me. I drank with my dad so we wouldn't talk about anything real, and I painted with my mother to divert from the chaos.

[nathank77]

6/5/24

6:44 p.m Added to Significantly/Edited

So I gained 3 pounds. Maybe I am Hypo. That's def evidence that I could be hypo. I'm now 180. I'm not too concerned about it. Idk if I'm hypo or not. I didn't change my diet or anything. So I mean it's totally possible that I'm hypo. I absolutely have a calorie deficiency..

I'm disappointed but if I'm hypo it just means I'm going into remission and I'll start losing weight again once we see the bloodwork.

I got to pick a date for that.

I'm trying to consider other symptoms. I mean, I'm pooping the same. I'm hungry a little less frequently... but it's not drastic. Sometimes ranging going 5-6 hours in between meals So idk.. sometimes I'm hungry in 4... it's confusing.

Maybe I should go on the 7th cause this is the first time I've gained weight since starting Methimazole. But I want to make sure when I go it picks up me in hypo... not normal... cause If I go early and they see I'm normal but my levels are less than before he will likely tell me to stick the course until next month so I got to really think about my symptoms.

I got seen for my Cysts and I talked to this other dr about my black stool. And they said they will talk to my Dr about my xanax tomorrow... cause technically today is the 15th day meaning I have a pill. She perscribed me doxy for my Cyst.. She said the black stool is only concerning if it keeps happening along with other symptoms.

I feel like I should email my Dr tonight about needing my xanax tomorrow. I prob will. Cause I'm getting worried. Tomorrow it is Thursday. Then it's Friday. And sometimes it takes them 3 days to respond to my email. I mean the person I mentioned it to will likely tell my Dr tomorrow but I can't pretend I'm the only patient so... it might not be high on the priority list. The email/refill request is easier for me and puts it into writing.

I'm worried but I'll try to stay calm. I'm actually okay...

I am annoyed by the wieght gain if I'm not Hypo I'm going to have to start eating less which I'm totally fine with. I haven't been getting very hungry......

To add to this- sure I'm cold sometimes but it's not like the freezing I was feeling a few days ago. I'm not getting super hot. I went out today my car was warm essentially the whole time cause I didn't have it running long inbetween stops. I sweat on my upper back and neck a little.

I mean maybe I'm falling asleep easier. I'll see tonight when I go back to the half MG.... the 3 nights before the 1mg it was pretty easy... but the nights before that it wasn't.

The weed being thrown in makes me more energetic but yea I would say before the weed I was feeling fatigued. Legathic.

I feel like if I smoke too much weed, I get tactiles for sure. I noticed it. I could make it move...

The visual have remained the same. Her followers changed in front of my eyes this morning when i was sober. I noticed if things, "worsen" it's temporary. Once the weed gets out of my system in a hour it goes back to normal. Anxiety included.

What do I think worsened? Tactile if I hit it like crazy. Not visuals. The hallucination seems louder but not really maybe more frequent is the word. Bo4 was tolerable but only bc i was high. Once I took away the weed it was intolerable to sit there trying to game while I hallucinated nonstop... so I mean idk.

Idk if it's more frequent or not. It's not actually louder. I can confirm the tactiles if I go wild smoking are def worse. Worse part is I could live like that if the stupid voice would die.

I mean for now I reserve judgement. I just know it elevates my mood. Making my shitty quality of life more tolerable and making me calmer to cope with the chaos.. I get moments of silence regardless of the weed or not. It always comes back if I think about it I make it happen.... and I can't stop thinking about it.. but I had many moments of silence last night. That got ruined by thinking, "this is nice if only it would stay this way."

[fandom-madness69]

I've been doing this witch thing since I was 13. Like actively and seriously. I'm about to be 27. When I'm repeatedly having time lapses, that aren't related to my D.I.D. because I'm keenly aware now when I have a switch happen, that also aren't time lapses and always around 4 p.m that something is up.

The reason I say time lapses is because I'm aware of who I am, my reality, the passing of time, all that. And then 4 p.m. hits and I'm suddenly going "Where did the day go? Where has the time gone? Why does it feel like today just didn't happen?" And I'll think on it and remember things from that day but the memories feel weird. Not in the usual "they belong to another personality" way. Not even in the "I made these memories up to cover the trauma" kind of way. Just weird.

And then before one of my neighbors started coming in at 4 a.m. with his music incredibly loud and bass boosted I was getting woken up at 4 a.m. anyway. Three nights ago right after 4 a.m. I had a dream that someone non threatening was standing outside my bedroom door but also over it, if that makes sense, and then like seconds later my bedroom door just shifted off the hinges completely. Mind you it's broken but it's never just done that because the hinges are still intact with the door, the wall and themselves. Before that I was just waking up abruptly.

Now at first, when this started 10 days ago, I thought "fuck dude it's probably the excitement from finally getting to see the BF in person". And just chalked it up to that. But he's also been dealing with weird "time lapses" around 4 p.m. (mind you that's an hour after 4 p.m. for me and he's experiencing more of time slowing down) and getting woken up by loud neighbors, grand theft auto and unseen forces at 4 a.m.. But his started a week before mine.

So then I was like "Okay well being who and what I am let me just flex" and I checked and nothing malicious human or otherwise was causing it. So I pulled up Google and all the meanings for the number 4, because I have memory loss and there's way too many. Most of the results I got were centered around guidance, guides reminding you you're safe, and success as long as you invest in current interests. And I've been decked with another creativity spike in the last 3 days. Which is weird because I've been burnt out on creative things since I was 15.

So if 4 + 4 + 4 + 4 = 16 then could the universe please give me the money to invest in these projects? Or put me in the path of people who will help me? Or vice versa? And like I get it a big thing with witchcraft is letting go and trusting the universe to catch you. And bestie I have fucking trust issues okay. This brain damage didn't cause itself. So if you want a little bit of faith I'm gonna need a little bit of proof first.

You guys give me nonstop proof of your existence as a reminder it's not my mental disorders causing me to see things. You make whole 16 oz glasses of alcohol evaporate in less than 24 hours in a 70-74°F ambient room temperature house. The evaporation temperature for alcohol is 173°F. You can toss me some sort of proof that if I invest in these things they'll pay off this time besides weird things happening at 4 a.m. and p.m. man. Because you've told me to invest in things before that have fallen flat on their asses.

[jonahlovescoffee]

Night Changes | J.M.

a/n this fanfic is inspired by one direction’s hit song with the same title. u can also listen to jonah’s cover of the same song here.This is the first complete fanfic I’ve ever written in my entire pathetic life and it has been rotting away in my files app for a while now lol u can see how insecure i was (and am) to put this out here but here it is anyways :’) any constructive criticism is appreciated <3 happy reading!!

summary: the death of his friend’s girlfriend made Jonah realize that nothing in life is permanent, including you.

warnings: mentions of death

word count: 2136

“We're only getting older, baby; And I've been thinking about it lately; Does it ever drive you crazy; Just how fast the night changes?”

It was yet another ordinary weekend night where Jonah and his band were gathered in the little studio of Daniel’s home, busy composing new music for their upcoming album without a care in the world when Corbyn’s phone rang all of a sudden.

Corbyn’s eyebrows raised in surprise when he saw the caller ID on the screen before sliding the answer button to the right and excusing himself from the small room to take the call. No one thought much about it and proceeded with their songwriting process. However, when half an hour passed with Corbyn’s absence, that was when Jonah’s gut feeling told him that something wasn’t right. He brushed that thought off as quick as it entered his mind, trying his best to ignore the fact that he caught a glimpse of the caller ID and it was his girlfriend’s mother calling him, which was undeniably weird. As his roommate and best friend, Jonah could confirm that she had never called Corbyn unless there was an emergency. Heck, the last time she called him was when her car broke down somewhere in downtown LA and Corbyn was the only one she knew who lived close enough to pick her up.

His suspicion was soon proven right when Corbyn barged into the room seconds later with tears running down his cheeks nonstop like a river. Daniel, who was seated the closest to the door jumped up in shock just as Corbyn fell into his arms and started sobbing. The other boys made their ways to them as Daniel patted Corbyn’s back in attempt to calm him down.

“What’s wrong?” Zach asked curiously and Jack elbowed him on the arm. “Ow, what was that for?” Zach exclaimed, earning a glare from the other male that clearly said, “Can’t you wait until he stops crying to pry for answers?”

“She killed herself,” Corbyn managed to say between sobs.

“Who?” Daniel asked softly.

“My girlfriend,” the 4 boys’ breaths hitched in utter shock. None of them were expecting this news in forever. Madeline was the most cheerful and optimistic girl Jonah had ever met. She brought sunlight and joy into every room she entered. Were those traits of hers merely a mask to hide all the despair and anxiety underneath? It didn’t make any sense whatsoever.

“My sweetheart killed herself,” Corbyn repeated, mostly to himself with a hint of disbelief in his tone. It was evident that he was still having a hard time letting the fact sink in. “We just went out for dinner last night and now she’s gone. Forever. She didn’t even say goodbye. What should I do? How can I live without her?”

“She should’ve said something. I could’ve done so much to help her instead of letting her die just like that. I saw the scars on her hand last night but I assumed it was nothing serious. It’s my fault. I could’ve stepped in and save her but I didn’t. Why? Why?!” Corbyn screamed and tugged at his hair frustratedly.

Silence ensued, the only sound being Corbyn’s uncontrollable sobs. No one said anything because they knew that no words were powerful enough to comfort him for the time being. The most they could do was be there for him.

#

Jonah pulled up in your driveway in the middle of the night. He left his house right away after ensuring that Corbyn was sound asleep in his room in fear of his best friend trying anything stupid under the influence of tremendous grief. He knew that you were probably asleep at this hour and he should’ve waited until the morning to pay you a visit but he couldn’t wait any longer. Madeline’s death had made him realise that nothing in life lasts forever and he wanted—no, needed—to be by your side tonight to make up for the past few days of neglecting you because of work.

After some debating in his head whether to wake you up from your deep slumber like an ignorant boyfriend or just turn around and go home, he turned off the engine and rushed out of his car and onto your doorstep before he could change his mind. He used the same key you gave him months ago to unlock the front door and was then greeted by a silent pitch black, empty living room. He locked the door with a soft click behind him before tiptoeing up the stairs and entering your room. He made sure to keep his movements as silent as possible as he knew better than anyone that you were a terribly light sleeper and could be awoken easily by the softest sounds. He took off his shoes and joined you on the king-sized bed, wrapping his arms around your sleeping figure gently to pull you closer to him. He contentedly nuzzled your hair, inhaling the sweet scent of your shampoo that smelled like cherry blossoms and spring air. It was only then he felt truly at ease, with you perfectly safe and sound in his arms.

As he half expected, you stirred from your sleep, wiggling your body slightly before turning towards him, your arms habitually made their way around his neck even in your half-awake state. You couldnt help but smile when you felt him tightening his arms around you like he was holding onto you for dear life. “Hey, love,” you mumbled groggily, staring up at him with droopy eyelids in your pyjamas that had bunny patterns all over them that you were more than embarrassed to be seen in by anyone but you could care less since Jonah had been your boyfriend long enough to know about your preference for childish pyjamas over mature flimsy nightgowns. “What brings you here?”

“Just wanna see you,” he replied with a smile. He tucked a loose strand of hair behind your ear and took a moment to drink in your beauty—the crinkle by your eyes when you smile, you supple lips and the freckles on your cheeks that were illuminated by the soft moonlight that shone through the windows—all ordinary features of yours that you had never been particularly fond of but were all made perfect in his eyes. He was lucky to have the chance of calling you his, but Madeline’s unexpected death that night made him wonder how long this could last? Without realising, he let his mind drift further into the sea of uncertainties of the future, getting more anxious by the second, especially when he was met with the thought of ever losing you one day.

“Jo, are you okay?” You asked worriedly when you noticed his tense expression. He offered you a meek smile in return. “Yeah, everything’s fine,” he replied, but his furrowed brows claimed otherwise.

“You’re not fooling anyone with that face, dear. What’s wrong?” You watched him stay silent for a while as if he was trying to come up with a suitable answer to your question.

”I just...can I stay over tonight with you?” He asked and you let out a hum in agreement, your hands rubbing soothing patterns down his back. Even after all this time, he still hadn’t managed to get rid of the old habit of asking for your permission to spend the night at your place although he knew that you would agree without hesitation every single time he did so. You wanted nothing more than to find out what was going on in his head at that moment but he didn’t look like he was in the mood to talk, so you pushed your questions aside for later.

Both of you stayed like that for who knew how long, unmoving, limbs tangled with each other’s as the cool night breeze wafted into the room through the opened windows. “Madeline died,” he said out of the blue, breaking the silence. Shock was an understatement to what you felt. You couldn’t believe your ears. You weren’t exactly best friends with Madeline but still close enough to hang out together occasionally when both of you were free from your hectic schedules, mainly because Jonah and her used to have a thing for each other back in high school before she got with Corbyn so there had always been a tinge of awkwardness between you two. Yet this news hit you hard all the same.

Tears welled up in your eyes before you knew it. “When?”

“Few hours ago,” Jonah answered, his hand stroking your hair with the utmost gentleness, which prompted your tears to resume falling. He let you cry it all out without a single complaint about your tears staining his shirt. “She took her own life.”

“Why?” You sniffled and he shook his head. “No one knows; I guess even the most optimistic person on earth has her invisible demons too,” he said with a sigh.

“Is that the reason why you came here tonight?” You wiped your tears away with the long sleeves of your shirt as you took several deep breaths to recompose yourself, bracing yourself for his answer. Old feelings die hard, that was what you always hear people said, especially your first love. Part of you were scared that Jonah still harboured feelings for her even after all this years and you were nothing but an emotional support rebound tonight.

“Yes and no. I came here after hearing about the news, yes, but I’m not here to mourn about her, for now,” he added the last two words hastily in case you get the wrong idea and thought that he was being rude. You were ashamed for feeling extremely relieved that his answer wasn’t what you expected. “I came here to make up for the past few days of absence and make sure that you’re alright. Have you ever, you know, done that?”

It took you few seconds to get what he meant. “Of course not, Jo. I promise you, I never tried self-harm before, and I never will,” you replied truthfully.

“Thank god,” he sighed with relief and planted a tender kiss on your forehead, “I don’t know what I’d do if you said yes.”

“You know that you’ll be the first one I talk to if I have anything bothering me, right?” You took his hand in yours while staring at him expectantly for an answer but none came. “Jonah, please don’t tell me that you seriously think that I’m someone who resorts to harming myself when the going gets tough?”

“I...I don’t know,” he admitted sheepishly which earned a sigh from you, a small smile tugging at your lips. You still couldn’t believe how this man in front of you—a confident rising boyband star—could get so worked up over a plain girl like you. He swallowed thickly before continuing, “Today made me question everything I know like how long this relationship can last—how long we’ll get to stay us until the world decides to tear us apart. We always said we’ll be together until the end of times but so did Corbyn and Madeline and look at them now. Madeline just....left without a word to anyone. I know it’s stupid but I just couldn’t bear the thought of losing you and now I’m being such a sap and you probably are disgusted —”

“Jonah, stop. You’re over-thinking everything. I’m not disgusted at you, not even one bit,” you raised a hand to his cheek and traced a thumb over it tenderly, knowing that this simple gesture never failed to soothe his raging emotions. “It’s normal to feel this way, love. But whenever you do, please remember this: there’s nothing to be afraid of because I love you so much, Jonah Marais Roth Frantzich, that I can never ever think of hurting myself because I know that that’ll hurt you; I love you so much that I started crying a little less, smiling a little more because I know that no matter how hard my day is, I’ll always have you to come home to.”

You watched as a tear escaped from him. “I don’t know what the future holds but I can promise you this,” you locked your eyes with his, your gaze filled with the utmost love and adoration in contrast with his worried one. “No matter how fast the night changes, it’ll never change me and you.”

“You promise?” His lips curled upwards into a small smile as he leaned in, leaving only an inch between your lips, your breaths mingling with each other’s. As always, butterflies erupted in your stomach at the close proximity as you mirrored his expression with a sweet smile of your own.

“Forever and always,” you breathed and he closed the distance between your lips, sealing the promise.

[kunt-dracula]

If I Were In ‘Vikings’ Headcanon~ Part 1??🤔

║Okay so I’m not as caught up on Vikings as I used to be. I might watch every few episodes and that’s if I watch it at all. Some of it’s because school is back in session and I’m at school 3 times a week from 8am to 8pm because I also work on my campus. The other reason is because my sister is getting her home renovated and so her and her 4 kids (whom are all under the age of 7) are living with me so my tvs are playing cartoons 24/7.

What I’m getting at is, if it’s inaccurate or seems highly unlikely due to events or character personality, I don’t know😂😂 but I wanted to try it so I am.║

Also

There will be quite a few changes to the storyline of the show. To simply put it, my baby Ragnar ain't dead and him and his kids get along just fine.🤣

➖

(Cartoon-ishly edited just for the occasion🤣👍🏾)

𝒦𝒾𝓎𝒶𝓉 (ky-yaht)

/I didn’t feel that my own name (Raine) would make a suitable ancient Egyptian name/

(My Attire during my teen years in Egypt)

⚜️Daughter of Pharoah Wahkare Khety III and Hetepheres.

⚜️ I didn’t have much a relationship with my mother due to the fact that she died merely a few years after my birth.

⚜️My father did what he could, but he wouldn’t stay around me much due to how much my physical likeness to my mother pained him.

⚜️I ended up spending more time with a caretaker that was assigned to me.

⚜️Around the time I was 12, he had wed another; a priestess named Ioja.

⚜️Soon after her crowning, it became sure to me what her true intentions were. Getting my father to be devoted to her and only her.

⚜️It started with her cutting into our conversations, arranging outings without telling me and making sure I had no knowledge of them at all.

⚜️When that ceased to work, she began spewing lies to my father about my ‘promiscuous’ behavior with male servants and even a few peasants.

⚜️Although I deny the allegations, it's clear to me that he's taking her side over my own.

⚜️After years of nonstop arguing between me and his wife, my father's breaking point was reached when he came upon a set of highly venomous snakes tangled within his bead sheets when he awoke one morning.

⚜️To make matters worse, each snake had a bracelet of mine he had gifted me around its body.

⚜️I was undoubtedly framed by Ioja who then tried to convince my father that I should be executed—in turn, I pointed the finger at her and made the same suggestion.

⚜️Frustrated and unsure, he had us fight one another and the defeated’s fate will be sealed.

⚜️Unfortunately, the odds were not in my favor and I was overpowered.

⚜️Not having the will not heart to slaughter me, he went against his own word and had me exiled—which didn't seem to effect Ioja at all since she had gotten what she wanted still, me out of the hierarchy.

⚜️Seemingly filled with guilt my father offered me an abundance of gifts before my departure.

⚜️I kept my clothing and jewelry and was given more, a fairly large amount of money. And him being disturbed with the idea of me being alone—the female servant that I was closest to was sent to travel with me wherever I settled.

⚜️Opwet—my older companion— had gotten me out of my funk, telling me that she was a firm believer in the concept that everything happens for a reason. [I picture her as a slightly younger Cicely Tyson😄]

⚜️Not sure of where to go, Opwet made the statement that she had not been to her birth village in decades.

⚜️My curiosity and ache for a change of scenery was all the push I needed for us to migrate to Kairouan.

⚜️Once we were settled in a home for the both of us, I had asked Opwet about her history. That was when she informed me that in her younger years she was the best healer in Egypt which led to her working for my family and then she was converted by my selfish father to be a caretaker for my mother during her pregnancy and then me.

⚜️I almost instantly asked her to teach me how to be a healer. It was always something I had wanted to do but was denied because of the written fate that my title held. But now that I was no longer royalty, what was to stop me from fulfilling my desires.

⚜️It wasn't easy. Far from it actually. There were a lot of specific procedures, rituals, and concoctions that went along with the role. It wasn't until I turned 21 that I finally got it down.

⚜️By the age of 26, I was a very well known healer throughout the city. The entrance to my home quickly became a revolving door to patients.

⚜️While caring for a pregnant woman who had been weak from it, Opwet was left with the woman while I went out to a fruit stand to purchase more mangoes. [The all natural prenatal vitamin.]

⚜️While at the stand my love for pineapples hit me and I began piling them in my arm.

⚜️One rolled off my arms and tubbles to the ground.

⚜️Contemplating just how I was going to pick it up with my arms full, someone beat me to it.

⚜️Of course, the first thing I noticed was the large pale hand holding the pineapple outstretched towards me.

⚜️The owner was a tall man. Very attractive. A great deal older than me, judging by the white strands of hair peppered his beard. Lips stretched in a crooked smile showcasing teeth that matched his skin, but what really hooked my attention were his almost glowing blue eyes.

⚜️He was someone I had never seen before but judging by his appearance he was no doubt one of the Vikings that word had circulated about through the city.

⚜️ ”Þakka þér fyrir, Viking.” {Thank you, Viking.} I say, shocking him. His shocked expression pulled a smile from me.

⚜️ ”Þú talar tungumál þjóðar minnar?” {You speak the language of my people?}

⚜️ ”aðeins nóg til að halda einfalt samtal. Þú ert ekki sá fyrsti sem ég hef haft ánægju af að hitta.” { Only enough to hold a simple conversation. You're not the first Norseman I've had the pleasure of meeting.}

⚜️I lose my focus on what I'm doing for what had to have been at least 15 minutes. It's not until the frustrated stand owner asks if I was going to pay or not, that I snap back.

⚜️Before parting ways I tell him my name and he tells me his. Ragnar Lothbrok.

⚜️That would not be the last I’d see of Ragnar Lothbrok.

⚜️He showed up at my home to talk but Opwet wasn't having it and told him that he couldn'come in unless he needed medical attention.

⚜️Not even a day later he returned to my home with injuries he had gotten during ’sparing’ but in all honesty, they looked self-inflicted.

⚜️Not a day passed that I was rubbing him down with shea butter to heal his scars. So much that I had to start using my own personal batch that I used daily. I wasn't happy about it.

⚜️Constantly having to fight with my inner ’thot’ and thoughts while doing so.

⚜️He was fascinated and distracted by 3 things: my hair, my skin and mostly my derriere.😒

⚜️Had the nerve to ask if I was I had stolen goods hidden under my dress. 🍑

⚜️”Did you just touch my rear?”

⚜️”Sorry I thought it was—what’s the name of that large fruit? ...Watermelon yes. I simply thought it was a watermelon, especially in that green dress.”

⚜️Opwet: *eating a peach in the corner*

⚜️When it got dark, he would attempt to stay the night. Again Opwet didn't play that and she would make him leave.😆

⚜️In all, he was impressed with my skills and stated that they could really use someone like me in Kattegat and asked if I would consider going back with him. Shocked, I told him I would think about it.

⚜️It was then that he told me about himself. He was in his 50s but obviously very fit for his age being that I thought he was much younger. His son was the current king of Kattegat. A role he had given up once he got older, though he still had authority over the village.

⚜️When it was his last day in Kairouan, I couldn't help but ponder over my dilemma. Opwet only persuaded me to go. She restated her believe that everything happened for a reason and that I was being offered an opportunity that I should take.

⚜️ I did want to go but I didn't want to leave her. She wanted to stay and help the people of Kairouan and kept persuading me to leave for Kattegat to do the same for their people.

⚜️She was nearly relentless and finally got me to leave with Lothbrok. To a new world and a new beginning.

[Near the end I got lazy. I was tired, sorry. 😆

I'm not sure if this is even good or not. I was higher than the clouds when I wrote it.🚬

I'm kinda tempted to do a part 2 on when I'm actually in Kattegat but that all will depend on how y’all react to this.]

[loversandcousins]

Stealing time

nov 1 / nov 14, 2022

What I'm listening to now:

De Todas las Flores by Natalia Lafourcade (October, 2022)

The Loneliest Time by Carly Rae Jepson (October, 2022)

There Goes Rhymin' Simon by Paul Simon (May, 1973)

Been thinking about how you don't have to do a single extra thing. You could eat and sleep and do nothing more. I am very grateful to Tricia Hersey, the Nap Bishop, for her consciousness-raising work around rest as a form of resistance within the context of US slavery. I am very grateful to my family for teaching me the basics of naptime. It goes like this: after lunch, everyone drops. We reconvene around 4 to drink tea. My dad can add to this, tell you about napping in the parking lot when you're at your job, and sleeping at 9:30 pm daily. Lately I've been napping almost everyday, and I wake up feeling like I went to another dimension. That can be disorienting, but mostly it's good. It's something to look forward to. Going to sleep at night is still tricky. The depressed, pessimist part of me feels like sleeping is giving up, but there is a way to make it a ritual of self love. I love being snug like a bug in a rug. It's a time for nursery rhymes and lullabies, a cup of sleepytime tea, returning to the soft few square feet that know your body best, a pile of clean laundry lying peacefully beside me. 

What happens when you sleep is that your ears turn off. The eyes are easy, the lids close and it's obvious what is happening. It's harder to notice when your ears stop listening, because it's the last thing that happens before you sleep. And so, when the ears stop, it's extra exciting to wake up in the middle of the night and hear a song or thought playing on some nonstop livewire of the subconscious. Not that it's even deep, it's usually the last song I was listening to before I slept. But there it is, the innards. 

Natalia Lafourcade's new album De Todas Las Flores is her first album of original music since 2015 when she released Hasta la Raiz. The album is inspired by a romantic break. Ed Morales interviewed her for the New York Times recently, and she said: “Breakups can be so deep, at the cellular level, that you have to reconstruct your life and reconnect with yourself. It’s difficult work, forgiving yourself, forgiving the other person. So I went to walk in the mountains, and returned to my garden, a metaphor for a field of emotions and possibilities that had to be explored.” 

Relevant to sleep, rest, silence and listening that they allow for are these few lines from the mid tempo, waltz-ish dance number "El Lugar Correcto:" 

Perdona si lloré, lloré, lloré mientras bailaba

Tenía dolores viejos que atender de aquel pasado

Entonces regresé a ese silencio necesario

Para escuchar el corazón hablar de la verdad

I don't really want to translate this, because translating is so difficult, but the gist is: "I'm sorry if I cry during this dance / I have old pains that I need to tend to / so I will return to this needed silence / to listen to my heart speak of the truth." It's nice to hear her emerging from her silence with this song, the intermittent tears a reminder that there are unspoken things that will end us unless we visit the quiet heart regularly. 

I have a lot less sound in my life right now. I used to live with 3 roommates, work on a staff of 60, and spend my day with four different groups of 30 teenagers. I had a tendency to cultivate the kind of close friendships where I didn't always know which voice was mine and which wasn't. It's ok, that happens, it's pretty normal. When you break up with a person, place, job, or whatever, we use metaphors like "snap out of it," or "wake up," but now I realize it sort of felt like I had my eyes open the whole time and couldn't sleep. It's been a disorienting and ongoing thing, to recalibrate. A lot of my recent experiences are marked by confusion: is this quiet loneliness? Are my innards, laid bare, inadequate? (The answer is always no; you can always do absolutely nothing; silence and space are not the problem). 

De Todas las Flores is very good. It's serious, very beautiful, timeless, which has sort of been Lafourcade's vibe for a while now. One of my favorite tracks is "Canta la arena," because it's bouncy, and it's about the ocean, and features lap steel, the beachiest sounding instrument. It offers continuity for those still wishing for summer, as if Lafourcade is simply doing her healing on the quieter side of the same tropical island as Bad Bunny. The lead single off the album is "Mi manera de querer," which is, unexpectedly, a bisexual anthem. Now everyone can wonder if it was a woman who broke her heart. 

Along with Lafourcade and Carly Rae Jepson, the other artist I have been listening to incessantly is Paul Simon. I adore him. It's surprising to me how endlessly relatable his music is to me. Right now I'm listening to "There Goes Rhymin' Simon" from 1973. At a pace:

"One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor:" It's just apartment house sense / It's like apartment house rents / Remember- one man's ceiling / is another man's floor." I got new neighbors on Nov 1, which I at first thought was a family visiting my neighbors for the weekend. But no, there are children and they live here and they scream and run around and I can hear everything. 

"St. Judy's Comet:" "Little sleepy boy / Do you know what time it is? /Well, the hour of your bedtime's / Long been past / And though I know you're fighting it / I can tell when you rub your eyes / You're fading fast."  My sister, brother-in-law, and baby niece stayed with my parents for about 10 days this month and it was very sweet seeing the little one do things like sleep, eat, and scoot around. Loved hearing this lullaby from Simon, about what I realize now is a very common situation for parents (baby doesn't want to sleep). I added this song to my playlist of songs by artists addressing their children. which is a lovely playlist. It's also cute to hear about this son a few years before he goes on a trip to Graceland with his "famous daddy."

"Take Me to the Mardi Gras:" Just to mention my favorite lyric on the album: "You can legalize your lows / You can wear your summer clothes / In the New Orleans," which is such a great moment of alliteration and slant rhyme, as well perfectly evocative of the desire to be sad and wear your summer clothes (again, if it's not clear, I miss the summer, go ahead call me Miss Summer!!). 

"An American Tune:" The album is from 1973 and he is Paul Simon, so he kind of does this annoying exoticizing thing with New Orleans, matched by the off putting patriotism in "American Tune," but whatever. I recently saw Rhiannon Giddens cover "An American Tune" when she performed a few weeks ago at McCarter Theater in Princeton, and she shared that Simon re-wrote the song for her in a different key so she could play it on banjo, and also changed the line about the Mayflower. I wish I could hear her perform now, after I'm much more familiar with the song, but whatever. Probably still a little too patriotic for my taste. But there are beautiful moments, including the last lines which are fittingly sleepy for this blog post: "Still, tomorrow's going to be another working day  / And I'm trying to get some rest / That's all, I'm trying to get some rest "

Yeah so that's all folks, just trying to get some rest so I can listen to my heart!!