#the very palpable comparisons being made to other people because I've been going through a lot of intense body issue stuff

[msvorderofoperations]

New dream journal, and this one is a bit of a doozy.

It starts with me somehow winning an all-expense-paid trip to something very much like E3 (which if you're unfamiliar was the biggest press event for video games and doesn't really exist any longer). One key difference in the dream is that it advertises stuff other than video games, and I'll get to that in a moment.

As part of the ongoing game festivities, I partake in this contest being done with one of the game demos. The whole thing is that you have to find all of the games secrets in a short amount of time. Owing to my time as a games tester and my ability to scrape content I end up winning. The prize isn't directly related to the game itself, it's behind the scenes access to another event happening plus the opportunity to demonstrate a newly created real-life weapon. It's an explosive arrow that uses a never before seen, novel triggering mechanism and the entire thing explosive instead of just the head. The version I am given to show off at an unspecified time and place, is obviously reduced in explosive yield and has a foam arrowhead so it basically is fully safe.

So the following day at this event, I take the arrow with me to a different event that happens to be advertising the capabilities of a new concert venue. The gimmick with this place is that is can operate as a pool for shooting music videos, and the space is fully expandable. Literally, as the first thing they shoot there for the demo involves the set for this music video widening while the cameras are rolling. I am told that this is indeed where I'm meant to be filmed to show off the arrow, but other than that I am given no information. I take a seat while things are being set up for said music video. As I'm waiting, some stage hand next to me is told that the spot we're in is going to be where they throw to the host of this press event so it needs to be spotless. Since I'm not working this event I pay it no mind, thinking I will be told where/when I need to be for my segment. Before long, I notice that the stage hand is picking apart the foam on the arrowhead to clean a spill of coffee. I tell him that I need this for later in the shoot, and he begrudgingly stops but a fair amount of damage has already been done to the arrow.

At this point I start walking around since it's becoming clear that there's a problem of communication happening here. As I walk around, trying to find out where/when I'm supposed to do my bit basically everyone treats me as if I'm a roadie/show tech for either the venue or the visiting artist that is shooting here. This is due in part because the pass I was given was not a VIP one, but one that all of the stage hands have. Another reason is that I'm dressed very similarly, in dark cargo shorts and a Misfits tshirt. Soon, as the people that are due to be on-screen begin arriving, this similarity is driven home. All of the background extras are model-thin, and have movie-star faces. And to top it all off, they are all dressed like naiads and other water-based folkloric entities, and I learn that most of them are trained synchronized swimmers. And here I am, a heavyset, unremarkable white dude dressed like I just finished a shift at Game Stop.

By now, the shoot has started in earnest so I just kind of mill around hoping that someone will recognize me or let me know where my marks are and such. Eventually, the shoot gets to the point where the pool is expanded and nears the climax. For lack of any other instruction, I assume that I'm supposed to take part (as why else would I be told that I'm meant to be here?) and wade into the shallow water. The other performers definitely take notice of me, but they don't say anything. They only cast worried glances in my direction whenever they're done hitting their marks. I try to be as unobtrusive as possible, but all in all I'm still absolutely on camera. The music draws to a close, and wrap is called. I get myself out of the water, feeling deeply confused. It is then that I notice that whatever the water was treated with chemically, it really doesn't get along with the composition of the arrow. The whole thing is starting to flake and fall apart and I start to panic. I know that I was meant to advertise this thing, and I couldn't even be trusted to handle it safely. And compounding on this, I see the director of the music video looking at the footage and then to me with growing anger on his face. Cool, I've ruined the music video as well. Neat. Love that for me.

I leg it before security is called to bring me in. I am panicking pretty hard because I am in a foreign country where I don't know anyone or how to navigate this city with a degraded explosive device. And now I've also got a presumably very angry production team looking for me because I have just wasted a LOT of their money, one way or another. In spite of all of this, I recall that there is youtube creator I follow that should live nearby. His focus is on vlogs and media breakdowns from the perspective of a mixed-race small business owner. He is black and Jewish and runs a game store that does a lot of work in his communities, including helming various cookouts and block parties as well as helping organize protests and other political actions. And as part of his efforts to ensure his community can protect themselves he also showcases archery! My thinking is if I can properly detonate this arrow I still have, it will be one less big thing I have to worry about (as just leaving it behind to possibly blow up in the face of some kid or sanitation worker is not something I'm willing to let happen).

I am somehow able to track down his store, which is empty except for him. I introduce myself, and he immediately asks if we have met before. I panic a bit, thinking news of my bungling the event I just left has already started to spread. I explain that we couldn't have met, as this is the first time I've been to this city. I play it off that I have one of those faces where I look like everyone and no one (this is true, as a few times in my life people claim to know/recognize me when I have never met them before). I explain the (very pared down, omitting everything that happened with the music video) situation with the arrow, and ask if he can help me. He asserts that while he doesn't have an explosive rated shooting range, we should still be able to make it happen. We try to get the thing to detonate with what he has available, but it doesn't seem to work. And exacerbating things, the arrow is breaking apart worse and worse on each attempt. It eventually reaches a point where we're trying to get it blow up by gathering the pieces and launching them in an elastic powered ornithopter. Suddenly it dawns on me, I recall hearing (somewhere) that the thing was meant to go off only if fired by a bow with a 100 pound draw.

Knowing that this is going to be outside the capabilities of most bows, I go to tell him this, but something has changed. His store is now being swarmed with white people who are acting like he doesn't exist and destroying his shop. He turns to me and says that his mixed heritage is often wielded against him by white hegemony, ignoring different aspects of who he is and what he does based entirely what the current hate campaign is. As such, his blackness is being erased to further the narrative of antisemitism that is currently pervading the United States. And he intimates that the damage being done to his base of operations is because of me, because we had been livestreaming the process of trying to detonate the arrow. I try and explain that I would never do something like that, but as he begins to turn on me, I wake up.