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icequeenjules26 · 6 years ago

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All I Want (For Christmas) Is You

Summary: Dan Howell's life as a student of modern piano music is completely turned upside down when he is grouped in an assignment with Phil Lester...

Word Count: 7,2k

Tags: University AU, Fluff, Pianist!Dan, Guitarist!Phil,

A/n: This is written for @babethepig for the Phandom fic Fests Holiday Exchange. As always the biggest ever thank you goes out to my love @succubusphan, who spent a lot of time beta’ing this. You’re the best. <3

Read on A03

Dans schedule was a proper mess this semester. His decision to specialize in modern piano music got frowned upon not only by his parents but also by his Uni, so his curses were not nicely fit together anymore. He had a lot of free time in between, but his time gaps were too short to get back to his dorm, so he mostly stayed on campus, spending his free time in one of the multiple coffee shops around or with his friend Louise, who was assigned a dorm room much closer to campus than he was.

That’s how he caught wind of it first.

He had always been good at playing the piano, the time at uni had only helped with that, obviously; but that he was supposedly the best in his studies had always sounded like an exaggeration. There were a lot of piano students, so he had tried toning down the people talking about him, directing them to someone else. Aside from his musical ability there wasn’t much interesting about him, though, so he had drifted out of the other students’ eyes - at least aside from the talk about whoever was supposed to be dating this week. His open bisexuality made for a large pool of possible suitors, but there were students much more interesting to talk about.

Now, though, he was back inside of the rumor mill, and right in the center.

It started off innocently enough.

“The instruments students are doing trios this year, did you hear?” The two girls in the booth right next to his were chatting animatedly with each other, obviously unaware of him just sitting half a meter away. “Yeah, I’m so excited! We haven’t seen Dan Howell performing for a while, which is a shame. Him at a Piano is enough to get me going to be honest.”

Dan was already puffing out his chest like a peacock, debating on whether to go over there or at least make his presence known otherwise, when the other girl’s reply made him halt in his tracks. “I mean same , but have you seen Phil Lester lately? He got rid of his emo fringe and stuff. He’s scolding hot .” She layed extra emphasis on the word hot and in Dan’s head, two mindsets started battling over what to do. The first one expressed some kind of jealousy in a “I wanted to tap that girl”-kind of way, the other one wanted to spring onto facebook to check out the guy they were talking about, whose name sounded kind of familiar.

Former emo fringe musician that got hot? Sign him the fuck up.

Chuckling lowly about his screaming bisexuality he continued listening, his interest now peaked.

“Well, they’re doing trios right? Just imagine both of them on stage together…”

The other girl actually moaned at the thought and Dan couldn’t contain the smirk creeping on his face. He took a sip from his coffee, his still open laptop on the table in front of him long forgotten. He probably should be working on one of his assignments due this week, but the girls’ conversation was too interesting to ignore.

Dan had to suppress some swearing when his laptop dinged with an incoming email. He could hear the girls whispering behind him when they looked over because of the sound, realizing who he was - “Oh my god is that Dan Howell?” and “Oh my god, do you think he heard us?” - and he quickly leaned forward to appear busy.

The email causing the ‘ding’ was actually about the assignment the girls had just been talking about. He packed up his stuff immediately when he had read through it. The list of assigned groups had just been hung out in front of his professor’s office and she invited all participants to a meeting in about half an hour on the other side of the campus, so he had to rush.

~~~

Even the rushing didn’t help in the end, the unfortunate incident of a broken down bus costed him the time to check the list before the meeting started. When he got there he still had no idea who his partners were, so he didn’t understand the reason behind the quiet whispers that started when he set foot into the lecture hall. He managed to find his friend Louise quite fast and slid into the free spot next to her. “What’s the fuss about?” he asked her quietly but before she could answer, the door opened again and a group of professors walked in.

Their looks varied about as much as those of the students sitting in the audience, making for a quite colourful group. For this assignment, nearly all rock-centered curses were thrown together, not only piano but also guitar, drums, bass, violin and multiple other instruments. The hall was packed full, but the arrival of the professors assured silence among the students.

“Good morning everyone! Hopefully you all checked the list and are in the process of contacting your partners. Teamwork is the key for this assignment! Because of the number of students most groups consist of one piano student, one guitar student and one of another instrument, specifically arranged to play into your strengths and make you work on your weaknesses.” The young male professor’s voice rung soundly through the hall and Dan couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow. Prof. Smith, responsible for the guitar department and specialized on rock music, was so completely different from his own professor and so cliché rock musician that it offended Dan’s believes; he fit the stereotype perfectly, including tattoo covered arms, piercings and wild, green hair, often sporting band shirts.

Prof. Johnson, on the other hand, was nothing like her profession. She was a middle-aged woman with slim, neon green glasses and grey eyes that always seemed to shine with mischief. Her jet black hair fell in untamable curls onto her shoulders and she seemed to never leave the house without a nerdy T-Shirt, merch for some comic, TV-Show or movie. When she stepped forward, the whispers around the hall got louder and the grin on her face was so wide Dan couldn’t help but grin back. He liked his Professor, even if she tended to overstep her boundaries and was eager to make friends among the students.

“If you have questions you can always turn to me or Mr. Smith, Mr. Miller or Mrs. Adams, or any of the other Professors involved,” she said, then paused for a second to let the murmures and voices ring out.

“Now, we know this is a big thing among the student body, but we hope you can keep it as low as possible. Drama and relations, as fun as they are to watch for us, will only make your work harder. If you want to outplay this though, be assured I will be watching with a glass of wine and popcorn.” There were chuckles among the group and Louise next to him went red trying to keep in her laughter. Dan grinned at her and made a mental note to tell her about the girls he had encountered before coming here.

It took some time for the students to calm down, but when she continued speaking, Dan was shocked into silence. “That also goes for other students aside from yourself. The list is out for half an hour and the only duo involving Mr. Howell and Mr. Lester has already caused an uproar throughout the whole university, so please think about what you are causing when you speak about information like this next time.”

The rest of the meeting went by in a blur. The professors informed them of the nature of the assignment - the whole thing had pretty much the built-up of a generic talent show. They had to cover one song each week in an open, on-campus concert starting in two weeks. Each week two groups would be voted out by the professors until three groups remained for the finale.

At the end Dan didn’t remember anything the professors had explained to them. He would beg Louise for her notes tomorrow, but that wasn’t the important thing right now.

The important thing was that he was supposed to perform with the one and only Phil Lester - and after a quick facebook check he realized why the name had sounded so familiar. Dan had had a crush on the cute and amazingly talented guitar player performing every saturday in a close-by coffee shop for weeks until he had disappeared. What made it even harder for Dan was the fact that the girls had been right.

The guy had gotten hot as fuck.

Louise’ mumbled keep it in your pants seemed almost impossible to stick to.

~~~~

It took Dan around half a week to stop running from Phil. He kept himself busy with papers not due for at least a few more weeks and working harder for other assignments than he ever had before - he did anything that would make him forget about the short message from Phil awaiting him on whatsapp, where he introduced himself and informed him they were partners. The little dog emoji at the end of the message made him squeal like a schoolgirl, but that was exactly the problem. He had to keep it professional. Which would be difficult considering the increasingly hot pictures Phil posted on his facebook and instagram…

On thursday Dan finally realized he wouldn’t be able to hide from this forever, as he couldn’t afford to fail this class. So he decided to suck it up and went with a generic confirmation and the question to set a time for their first rehearsal as a reply.

On friday Dan was about as nervous as he could be. Fidgeting the entire morning, he changed his outfit for at least five times until Louise threatened to rip his whole wardrobe to shreds if he didn't decide soon. Her teasing didn’t make his job any easier though. He was supposed to meet Phil in less than half an hour in one of the practice rooms in the music building half a campus away and he was dying a little.

“Do you really think I look okay?” he asked Louise, who was seated directly next to him on the bus, anxiously running his fingers through his brown locks. Louise caught his wrist mid-movement and forced his hand back into his lap before she patted it sympathetically. “You look great, Dan. Just don’t behave like the little schoolgirl you’re portraying right now, okay?”

Dan couldn’t get rid of the blush creeping onto his cheeks for the rest of the bus ride.

When he arrived at their booked practice room, Phil wasn’t there yet. Sighing in relief, he let his backpack sink to the floor before moving over to the piano, situated on a little pedestal in front of the window. He took a seat on the stool right in front of it and let his fingers run over the keys testingly. A series of notes rang through the air and he realized delightedly that the piano was pitched precisely.

He let his fingers push the keys purposefully and before he knew it they strung together to one of his favorite songs. He started singing along, just for the fun of it; but he got completely lost in the music. At one point a second voice joined in, harmonizing with him to an unbelievable extend, but he didn’t even realize; it just sounded like it had been there from the start.

Like it belonged there, ringing alongside his own.

Only at the end of the song he realized what had happened. When the last note rang loud through the now deafening silence he whipped around, eyes wide - and met the bluest eyes he had ever seen.

He wanted to avert his eyes, wanted to check who it was, but he couldn’t; for a few moments, he was frozen, lost in time, no connection to reality except for the blue he was drowning in.

The moment shattered like glass around him when some kind of crashing noise pierced in from outside of the room and Dan was finally able to move his eyes.

“That was beautiful,” a deep, melodic voice said and he couldn’t help but stare at the black haired figure standing proudly and tall at the other end of the piano, smiling at him reassuringly.

Dan had to blink a few times and pinch himself covertly, but the picture in front of him stayed the same: Phil Lester, in all his delicious glory, eyes shining so bright Dan was sure he’d need sunglasses.

“It was,” he agreed with a raspy voice, watching wordlessly as Phil made his way over to him. “I’m Phil,” he said, sticking out his hand in front of him and Dan had to gulp down his fast rising excitement. I’ll get to touch Phil Lester!!

When it happened, when their hands touched, he almost flinched back. A warm feeling shot up his arm at top speed and for a second, he forgot how to breathe. Holy shit.

“Dan,” he rasped back, staring up at Phil with wide eyes, not really sure what to do with himself, only one thought ringing through his mind - if touching Phil felt like that , how amazing would kissing him be?

Obviously, the black haired guitar player was not as shocked as Dan. “So, do you think we found our song for the first show?”

Just like that they slipped over into work - and working with Phil, Dan learned, was just as easy as breathing.

~~~

The first week with Phil was like walking on clouds. The numerous holes in Dan’s schedule made for good practice times, and the fact that Phil didn’t have many classes this semester meant that he was there for almost every one of them. Work flowed easily and smoothly and on monday they were already done segmenting the song and deciding who would get to sing which parts.

But not only the work went great, even their voices harmonized like they were meant to be heard together. They didn’t even need transitions between Dan’s singing parts to Phil’s, the changes from line to line went just as smoothly as the ones with longer instrumental intervals between.

Tuesday evening they were basically ready to perform. Dan had his piano playing recorded as a playback to make him more flexible on stage instead of immobile behind a giant instrument. Phil’s guitar skills maybe didn’t quite match Jimmy Hendrik’s yet, but they were definitely up there, and he had the song down to a T. Neither of them had classes the next morning, so as they were leaving the practice room, Dan felt quite courageous from all the adrenaline still rushing through him after a perfect run - and he boldly asked Phil if he wanted to get a coffee somewhere before retiring to their respective dorms.

Ten minutes later they were sat in a coffee shop right off campus. Dan chose a cozy little booth in the corner directly next to the window front while Phil went to get their coffees. When Dan took the first sip of his drink he almost spat it right back out, but instead moved to first eye the drink and then Phil suspiciously.

“How do you know?” he asked, his voice almost high pitched as he narrowed his eyes.

Phil just raised an eyebrow into an almost perfectly shaped curve, looking at Dan questionably as he calmly took a sip of his coffee, not saying a word.

“How do you know my order?” Dan specified and watched incredulously as Phil’s full, kissable lips spread into a wide grin. He could almost picture it, attaching his own lips onto his as they spread into the exact grin before the kisses started to get more serious, more heated, Phil’s fringe messed up, his cheeks red as clothes were coming off…

Oh my god, stop betraying me, goddamn heart.

“I didn’t. I just ordered two of my usual order.”

Phil’s voice ripped him out of his daydream and for a second he couldn’t do much else than stare in stunned silence. “You drink caramel Macchiato, too?” he asked, blinking. Huh. He really hadn’t expected that from a guy as hot as him…

Jesus fucking christ, actually shut the fuck up!

Dan’s attraction to Phil had risen to an unhealthy level by now. Not only was he hot as fuck, no; during their practice time Dan also had had to learn that the guy was smart, funny, lively, and talented as fuck , even more than Dan remembered him to be. Dan was lucky the assignment, and working on the music kept him busy and focused, or else he would have probably jumped the guy by now.

“It’s my all time favorite,” Phil confirmed, his grin transforming into a cheeky smile, and Dan couldn’t keep a blush from dusting his cheeks pink.

“Mine too,” he admitted and took another tentative sip from his drink, purposefully avoiding Phil’s eyes. He knew that if he looked into them now, he would drown in them.

For a few moments it was silent between them, both nursing their coffee, Dan deeply lost in thought about the blueness of Phil’s eyes.

“So, Muse, huh?”

It was Phil breaking the silence and Dan looked up, surprised. It took him a second to realize how Phil had even known he liked Muse , until he realized they had met while singing their song Thought Contagion before choosing it for their first performance. This time he was pretty sure he kept the blush at bay.

“Yeah. I love them.”

Phil’s mouth stretched into a happy smile, his eyes shining brightly, full of honest excitement as he started chattering about them. Dan had to gulp and pinch his hand unsuspiciously to keep himself from losing his mind .

They moved from Muse to Panic! to Fallout Boy to Paramore and even further. Albums became scores, which lead the way to games, movies and TV shows. It was almost scary how much they had in common, how much their interests overlapped, and it actually took Dan a while to remember a question he’d had since he’d heard of the assigned groups.

He used a temporary lull in conversation - one that he could have easily filled with something relatable to the topic they were on, mind you - to finally ask.

“By the way, do you know why we are the only duo?”

Phil raised his eyebrow, a cheeky smile back on his face and Dan knew there was a blush creeping up his cheeks yet again. He couldn’t help but feel like he missed something vital here, but he had no idea what exactly.

“Did you not pay attention at the meeting?”

Dan felt his eyes widen in surprise and blinked, cheeks even hotter than before. “I might have been… preoccupied ,” he admitted and Phil’s smile grew into a full-blown grin.

“Prof. Johnson and Prof. Smith spent like ten minutes explaining,” he informed Dan, “Apparently the numbers didn’t match up and they had to have one duo, so they both chose their best student and realized we would be a good match.” He put special emphasis on the word match and for a second, Dan wasn’t sure if he would be able to stay conscious. Was he just making a joke… Or was Phil Lester really flirting with him?

“We - we are,” he stammered in response and Phil’s chuckling send his heart into overdrive. Oh god. How was he supposed to survive at least 2 more months working with the guy?

“I think so too,” Phil whispered back with a husky voice, making Dan choke on his long cold coffee.

Fuck, these next weeks are going to be torture.

~~~

The next monday morning Dan found himself in yet another on-campus coffee shop, putting the finishing touches on an assignment that was due today. Normally it was a break he would spend with Phil, but he had stuff to arrange with one of his professors, so they decided he would join up with Dan as soon as he was able to. They had managed to get a headstart on this week’s performance by starting working on it on saturday, so they weren’t in much of a rush. They had decided on a song and discussed divisioning on sunday already; it was only practicing left.

Of course the performance on Friday had gone great. They had gotten a lot of applause by the watching students, the little hall on campus used for performances had been packed to the rim, so there had been at least a few hundred watchers. The professors had obviously also been satisfied with their presentation, considering they had informed them they would progress into the next round even before the whole show had been over.

So Dan and Phil had spent their Friday night celebrating. Even though neither of them were really the party going type, they had agreed to go out for a few drinks with their best friends Louise and PJ - who, coincidentally, were in the same group - and Tyler, a music production student Dan had been friends with for years. He had flirted with Phil quite obviously and had teased Dan for his sour mood afterwards, but had assured him that Phil only has eyes for you, you dumbass, pay attention!, coupled with a playful whack on his head.

The memory let Dan grumble absently, but the arriving of a group of students in the booth right behind him ripped him away from his trip down memory lane. “I mean, they’re both bisexual, right?” one of the girls stated while taking a seat, making him peek up immediately. He liked to hear stories about his fellow unicorns and regretted only becoming aware of this conversation after it had already started.

“They are,” a guy’s voice confirmed. Dan was pretty sure he had heard the voice before, but he didn’t have the courage to turn around and check. He was lucky enough to not have been spotted by the group, he really didn’t have to push his luck.

“Have you seen their sexual tension? I know you want to fuck them both, Caleb, but come on.” The female voice was followed by a male groan and the sound of a head meeting the tabletop. “I knowww,” was the answer, “I’m sexually deprived, not blind .”

Dan raked his brain, trying to figure out who they were talking about. Being friends with Louise and Tyler meant that he was mostly up to date with recent campus gossip, and he really wanted to tell them about this later.

“Did you know there’s already a bet going on? About if they’ll be dating by the end of this semester.”

“Which idiot would even bet against that?”

The booth erupted into laughter and Dan furrowed his eyebrows, thinking. He leaned forward, trying to appear busy, but in reality the assignment currently open on his laptop was the furthest thing from his mind.

“Okay, but aside from all that they were the best group, even if it was just the two of them. They’re gonna win this thing, hands down.”

Dan’s eyes went as wide as saucers as realization seeped into him. They weren’t really talking about -

“Absolutely. Thought Contagion was brilliant, I’m so excited to see what they’ll come up with for the next round.”

That was the moment Phil decided to make his appearance, ripping him out of his thoughts almost violently. “Morning!” he said, cheerfully, two cups of steaming coffee in his hands. He pushed one of them over to Dan after he had taken a seat.

A look of confusion, even concern appeared on his face when Dan didn’t react, just continued staring at his laptop screen with his eyes wide open. “Dan? Are you okay? Have you seen a ghost?”

The chatter behind him ended immediately. When he slowly turned around a group of seven people was staring at him, wide eyed. All of them scrambled to their feets as fast as they could. “You’re a cute couple!” one of the girls squeaked out, then they were gone, leaving Dan to explain the situation to Phil.

Needless to say Phil wasn’t fazed at all, instead he used the story to make more flirty remarks, making Dan blush yet again.

Damn, I’m fucked.

~~~~

Almost three months passed by in a rush and by december Dan couldn’t even recognize his life anymore. All the time he had previously spent alone in front of his laptop, browsing tumblr or watching Netflix, converted into Phil-time, slowly but surely. They played games or watched TV-Shows nearly every day after practice. Dan’s roommate had even asked him if he was moving out with all the time he spent away, but Dan couldn’t help himself. Phil lived in a flat near campus all alone. A tiny flat, sure, but it made for the best meetup place, especially for gaming or movie nights or for research about their next song - and it gave them some privacy. Not that much had happened yet aside from the increasingly flirty comments and occasional cuddle sessions, but it still made their friendship easier.

Especially because they were now something like campus-famous and got recognized wherever they went.

So far, they had aced most performances and were through to the last show before christmas break. After New Year’s there was only one show left before the big finale. They were pretty sure they had a good grade secured, but they still gave it their all - they had come so far, there was no way they were giving up now.

In the upcoming show only seven groups were left and it was the first one with two mandatory songs, one optional and one christmas themed, dropping the rock theme just for this once. Since the last week was cut short - Christmas break started on thursday - they had an additional half week to prepare. Dan and Phil had decided on Panic! ’s High Hopes for the first song and Last Christmas for the second and as always, they had been quite fast with their work. They were practiced and basically done on Monday, so they allowed themselves the night off. Phil’s brother was in town and Dan had heartlessly neglected Tyler since the assignment started (his words), basically forcing Dan to spent the night with him.

Fortunately Tyler had a lecture early the next morning, so he wasn’t trying to get himself or Dan trashed. He did, however, made use of the time by grilling Dan about his relationship to Phil.

Dan was a bit annoyed, but at the end of the day he was glad to be able to talk about it, even if he would never admit to that. Louise and her group were still in the run for the finals too, which made her so busy they barely were able to talk for longer than a few minutes at a time - and he desperately needed an outsider’s opinion.

It took him almost an hour to get Tyler up to date on what had happened, all the while getting interrupted by texts from Phil. Right when he was done explaining his phone dinged again, indicating another text.

‘the girl two tables over has a cute lil pup on her lap i keep staring she probs thinks i'm a perv help’ it read and he couldn’t help but chuckle. Tyler inspected him warily from across the table, absently playing with the straw in his half-empty cocktail. “Okay, who are you texting?” he asked then, fixing Dan with a steely gaze.

“Oh, it’s just Phil,” he answered distractedly, typing a quick response before turning his attention back to Tyler. “Why?”

“Are you shitting me?” he asked back, a fitting expression on his face like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Dan just answered with a surprised “huh?”, shooting him a confused look.

“Mate, how dense can you be? You are basically dating the guy, only without the good parts!”

Dan blinked, completely lost now, unable to follow Tyler’s train of thought. “What?”

“You and Phil are dating, Dan, wake up! The only thing missing is the sex!” Dan was stunned into silence, staring at Tyler like he had grown a second head. It took the thought a while to register in his brain, but then he blushed, taking a huge gulp of his drink before calling the waiter over to order another one.

He needed more alcohol for this.

~~~~

The show on wednesday evening went exceptionally well. They had the most fun rocking to High Hopes and got really festive during Last Christmas , with Dan at the Piano and Phil sat on top of it. Their professors called them over and into the next show immediately, making them giddy and high on adrenaline in the process.

The christmas party thrown by the rock music department started directly afterwards and PJ and Louise, immensely proud of their best friends even though their own group had been voted out, insisted on going. Still in an after show rush they agreed, but soon realized why they normally didn’t like parties. It was loud, the room stuffed with people and the food was average at best, and it took them around twenty minutes to revert back to the snacks table, where they hid from the actual party.

When Louise, PJ and Tyler of all people found them, sporting a cheeky expression, Dan knew they were fucked. They were leaning against a wall, talking and laughing with each other as much as the music allowed them to, and only a few people were inspecting them from afar.

“Do you know where you’re standing?” PJ asked when the group was within earshot and Dan raised an eyebrow. “Next to the snacks table where we always are?” he remarked drily, making Phil chuckle next to him.

“Look up!” Tyler singsonged with a high pitched voice and flattered his eyelashes with faked innocence.

Dan perked up immediately. He knew that voice.

He didn’t even need to look up to know what was fixated on the wall over their heads.

“A Mistletoe!” Louise grinned so widely Dan was sure it had to hurt. He turned his attention to Phil, his heart throbbing in his chest on full speed.

There was a cheeky smile on the guitarist’s face as he took a step closer, taking a hold of Dan’s head with both hands. “They want a kiss,” he murmured, lowly, “let’s give them a kiss.”

The second his lips met Phil’s was like a firework going off everywhere inside of his body. For a moment he forgot where he was, hell, even who he was, just continued kissing Phil with passion and lust and love. He didn’t even hesitate opening up his mouth at Phil’s silent request to let him in, too far gone to care - hell, to even realize they had an audience.

The kiss lasted for minutes and it probably could have gone on much longer if there wouldn’t have been a sudden outburst of applause. The blood took a second to reach Dan’s brain after having rushed somewhere south only seconds ago, but when it did, it immediately spread into his cheeks. They broke apart, Dan’s face still in Phil’s hands, silently contemplating the recent event.

He had just kissed Phil Lester. In front of basically the whole rock music department.

Great. Just great.

The applause and whooping didn’t stop soon and he couldn’t do much more then to exchange a long look with Phil. They had a silent discussion Dan himself didn’t know the content of, until suddenly and with no indication there was panic on Phil’s face as he hastily let go of Dan and scrambled to get his phone out of his pocket. It was vibrating violently in his hands and Dan couldn’t even blink by the time Phil rasped out a “Shit! My brother is waiting for me!” and left in a rush.

Dan stood there, staring after Phil until most of the students had averted their gazes from him and went back to whatever they had been doing before. When the ice in his veins freezing him into place finally dissipated, he groaned. He knew Phil’s brother Martyn was picking him up for Christmas with their family, and he wouldn’t be back until january.

Of course. That’s just my fucking luck.

~~~

He spent christmas break in some sort of limbo, like his relationship to Phil was Schrödinger’s cat, platonic and romantic at the same time. He knew the kiss had meant something not only to him but also to Phil, that much had been obvious with the way he had taken the offensive in deepening the kiss and how he had held him afterwards. But that was about the amount of information Dan had, and neither of them mentioned the kiss on any level, so he decided to just ignore the issue for now.

It did made him jumpy and fidgety and mostly unable to focus, though, and only his frequent skype calls with Phil got him focused and concentrated enough to get some much needed work done.

There were only two shows left, but they were only one week apart and both required three songs, so they decided to learn all songs over the break. They spent hours on skype, deciding on the songs and how to play and sing them, so they would be done learning their personal parts until they could meet back up in person.

For a short moment, their reunion was like the sun had risen again. They hugged, soft words of attachment and longing on their lips, but then it was like someone had flipped a switch and they were back in working mode. Phil didn’t mention the kiss and Dan didn’t dare to, so they went back to Status Quo, just like that.

The first show in the new year went okay-ish. Neither of them poured everything into it, already looking forward to the songs they had chosen for the finale, but they still managed to pull through. Their only truly memorable performance was The Black Parade by My Chemical Romance , which they definitely aced, but the other ones admittedly fell a bit flat. Both their professors urged them to not take it too lightly just because they had done so amazingly until now, so they swore to give everything they had in their last performances together.

They were the first group performing in the finale. It wasn’t hard for Dan to get in the mood of their songs, considering they were all pining lovesongs and he would have the one he was pining after up on stage with him, so he was glad they got to go first. It made the waiting and anticipation in between easier, and waiting for the results when they were done didn’t mean much to him anyway - he didn’t care too much about winning.

He just wanted to give his best, pour all his feelings into the songs when he was up there with Phil. He wanted to make it obvious that he meant every word he was singing.

He wanted to get Phil to understand…

In short, he just wanted Phil.

Their first song was a soft piano interpretation of It’s not living (If it’s not with you) by The 1975 , and Dan was so entranced by Phil he forgot to look at his hands while playing. He didn’t make a single mistake, thankfully, but if he would have made one he probably wouldn’t even have noticed. He benefited from the fact that he had practiced the piano part so often on the tiny piano in his childhood bedroom that his parents had asked him to please, please stop.

They spent their break with a bottle of coke huddled together on a tiny sofa backstage, making loose conversation and trying to get their mind off of things. Dan basked in the close physical proximity and simply smiled when Phil just casually took his hand while he talked, playing with his fingers. He had a feeling that things would be going well.

Dan had particularly fun during their next song. The Last Of The Real Ones by Fallout Boy was one of his favorite songs and he connected a lot of the lyrics to Phil. The piano playing was not an issue this time since they had both laid down their playing previously and conjoined it in a track, so he had all the time in the world to focus on Phil, which he took full advantage of. They riled up the crowd so much that Tyler, who had agreed to be the presenter of the night, had trouble getting them back in check for the next group.

During christmas break, far away from Phil and his feelings, their next song had seemed like a good idea. It was romantic, emotional and full of love and Dan couldn’t think of any other song that would make his feelings for Phil more clear than this.

Now, though, it seemed entirely too personal to perform in front of what felt like the whole Uni. During practice he had refrained from building too much of a connection, afraid of taking it too far, but now he didn’t have much of a choice and it made him more nervous than any other performance before. His hands were sweaty, his stomach was rumbling and he was ready to cancel the whole thing when Phil noticed the state he was in.

“Dan,” he whispered, pointedly ignoring the other people lounging around backstage, completely focusing on Dan, “It’ll be okay. You will be okay. And I will be with you, right there by your side the whole time, okay?”

It was in this moment that something settled in Dan’s chest. He returned Phil’s fond look with courage and determination, grasping his hand in his and squeezing it tightly. “Me too. We’re on the same page.”

He was sure Phil caught the double meaning when his look got soft. “I think I always knew,” he answered quietly, almost inaudible. “Let’s do this.”

~~~

Their last performance of this assignment was a complete success. They performed The Only Exception by Paramore sitting huddled together on the little Piano stool in front of the huge piano and didn’t take their eyes off of each other the entire time. It was so emotional Tyler had tears in his eyes when he came on stage, hugging first Phil, then Dan tightly, muttering a soft “go get ‘em, tiger” into Dan’s ear and Dan could feel his heart swelling.

This was it.

Backstage, thankfully, they were alone. Both of the other groups were nowhere to be seen, and Phil obviously noticed faster than him.

Before he even had the chance to turn around from closing the door he was already spun around and pressed against the next hard surface, Phil’s lips attacking his own.

For what felt like ages they were kissing furiously, like they had deprived themselves of this for far too long and now a dam had been broken down, nothing holding them back anymore.

Once they were out of breath Phil separated their lips, lovingly gazing into his eyes instead. “I have waited for this for far too long,” he whispered quietly, softly, his hands on the sides of Dan’s head, his thumbs gently caressing his cheeks.

“Me too,” he mumbled back, drowning in Phil’s eyes and feeling himself falling, falling; falling even deeper in love with him. “I meant every word I sang.”

There was a beat of quiet, then:

“I love you.”

The words were muttered completely simultaneously, and for the single bat of an eye both stared at the other, stunned into silence.

Then they were both dissolving into giggles, holding onto the other to keep from toppling over.

“That,” Phil gasped out, “was so us.”

Dan couldn’t help but agree.

~~~

“Do you really think so, Badiha?”

“I don’t know, Henry, but they did seem smitten during that song, don’t you think?”

“True!”

There was a group of at least five people seated in the booth directly behind Dan’s and even though he wasn’t that much of a gossip he couldn’t help but eavesdrop. He was busily procrastinating the work he needed to do until the next day, refreshing tumblr around ten times a minute, so it wasn’t too surprising the conversation distracted him as soon as it got loud enough for him to hear.

“But they haven’t been seen in public with each other in ages aside from their performances. I just really want them to be happy with each other, is that too much to ask?”

That was the first voice again. Dan allowed himself a short look at the group out of the corner of his eyes and recognized all faces he was able to pick up on. They had all been to the performance Phil and him did twice a week in a near bar ever since their joint assignment last year, he was sure of it. He mostly recognized them because of the person that had spoken first, a girl with the pride flag drawn on her eyelids. He remembered how she had attracted his attention during their first show because of her truly iconic makeup.

“I know, right?!” a male voice joined in and this time Dan didn’t need the information practically jumping into his face to realize they were talking about him and Phil.

After their win in the finale they had decided to keep their relationship at a down low, trying to make themselves comfortable with being boyfriends before they truly made it public. They were still pretty famous throughout the students and the center of the rumor mill, but they had been in a relationship for almost a year now and had only recently realized there was nothing to be afraid of if everybody knew. Most of them would be happy for them, and the rest of them, well -

They’d just have to suck it up.

That was the moment his boyfriend decided to show up. He slid into the booth, taking a seat directly next to Dan, pressing their thighs together. “Morning, love,” he greeted Dan gently, planting a kiss on his cheek before grinning happily. “Busy procrastinating?”

“Yeah,” Dan replied extra loud, grinning right back, “but I’d rather kiss my boyfriend.”

So they shared a short, cute kiss, making the group behind them gasp loudly. “It’s them,” the girl with the pride flag on her eyelids whispered into the silence stretching between them. Dan grinned.

“It is,” he confirmed cheekily, turning around to look at her. “Very iconic Make-up by the way, I like it.”

“Oh my god, thank you,” she answered, a blush becoming apparent on her cheeks and Dan’s grin only got wider before he turned his attention back around to Phil.

“What was that about?” he asked with a raised eyebrow and his head cutely tilted to the side.

Dan pecked him on the lips. “Had to make a point.”

Phil looked back cheekily, a grin on his face so wide Dan was able to see his tongue poking out between his teeth. “A point about what?”

Dan puffed out his cheeks, feigning huffiness. Phil knew exactly what this was about, and they were both aware of that. “You’re an idiot,” he said, pouting.

“Yeah, but I’m your idiot.”

Dan looked at him, eyes full of fondness and adoration and love. “Exactly.”

#phan #phanfiction #phan fluff #phanfic au #my writing

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humansremain-blog · 7 years ago

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DISSEMINATION 8/18/17 Megan V. has given us the second offering of Human Remains content since my hiatus from writing weekly Disseminations began at the beginning of the summer. In this first contribution she explores the recent death of her mother this past Spring. As Death is our archetype, I thought that it was pertinent for the Member who’d most recently been in it’s presence to give some of their insight. When I decided that I’d be taking a hiatus I offered the open space from June through October when I will return to anyone within the collective that wished to contribute. The only person I had in mind at that time that I was certain I wanted to contribute was Megan, so it made me quite happy when she inevitably got ahold of me first to offer a writing about her mother. Having known Megan during the struggle of losing her mother and seeing how she dealt with it, (including the giant all day party her father and she threw at the family home in her honor that my wife and I attended to witness first hand), I knew that Megan had likely just come out of this ordeal with the perspective that only those who’ve had true communion with Death can understand. When speaking to her about writing this, although I offered a bit of insight to what I’d seen come out of her ordeal from the outside, I did not insist that she follow any guidelines; only to write and create and experience the catharsis that was waiting for her and to share it with us if she wanted to afterward. So now that I’m running the risk of overshadowing her piece with a much too lengthy introduction, I’ll recede back into the shadows once again and leave you to her words. Throdle Vieda! Sean David Stoltenburg ___________________________________________________________________  DEATH, RETOUCHED   Death changes you, the way you perceive the world, and how you express yourself. How could it not leave an imprint on you…to lose someone who is so vital to who you are. Grief isn’t a phase you go through it’s something you learn to endure. Grief’s progression can’t be measured in a linear pattern, one day you feel better that you managed to make it a day without crying, and the very next day you’re on the floor sobbing completely lost. My timeline will forever be divided into two periods, life with mom and life without her.   My whole world was completely turned upside down in a matter of moments. As I look back I never before realized how oblivious I was to death. I was young when I lost my grandparents, but for whatever reason I forgot the sting of watching a love one decline in their health. I was too young, I never fully understood death. As an adult and a professional in the medical field it was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. To watch my healthy active mom deteriorate right before my eyes, and to know exactly what each new symptom represents. It seems so extremely cruel to watch this downward spiral, ignorance is bliss but knowledge was terrifying in this case. To give you real perspective I have to give you insight into my life, and my relationship with my mom. My dad served in the U.S. Army Special Forces, so he was often gone on secret missions. So when my dad was gone my mom was my one consistent lifeline. We were stationed far from family, so when he was gone it was just my mom, big brother, and I. She was the person I would go to for everything; I needed her advice and support. I had many obstacles to overcome in my life, from a learning disability, to physical abuse and sexual assault from an ex-boyfriend, to major health issues. She was always by my side through the hardest times, she was my rock. When my health issues started she was always there for every admission, procedure, and infusion. She was my strength during the roughest flare up, and when I woke up in pain before even getting out of bed she was the reason I got up and carried on. I can truly say she played such a vital role in who I am, and what I stand for. She was my world and my safe haven from this life.   I was at my chemo infusion in the beginning of January of this year, while my mom was being admitted to Geisinger Medical Center. She was complaining of shortness of breath, and abdominal pain. During the medical work up a CAT scan was done, it showed multiple lung clots and two masses in her abdomen. They told my parents in the ER that it looks like stage 4 cancer, but they didn’t want to tell me until my infusion was done. The minute the infusion was done I tracked down my parents, and she got assigned to an SCU bed. The doctor came in shortly afterwards, and he was a doctor I’ve worked with on my own floor. He seemed very gentle when greeting me, and then he turned to my parents and asked if I knew yet. My heart felt like it was going to explode, I knew in the pit of my stomach it was cancer based on the test results.    When he said the words I was completely shell shocked, I couldn’t hear, I couldn’t breathe, and everything was out of focus. My world was completely dismantled in an instant, but I knew I needed to be strong for her. She was going to be discharged to go home with a hospital bed and home health assistance, and she need to take two weeks to recover from the pulmonary clots before meeting up with the oncology team. At that two week follow up appointment we would discuss realistically if she was healthy enough to attempt chemo and would it even be worth it.   As the appointment approached it became apparent that she was too unhealthy to attempt chemo. I will always remember the heaviness going into the doctor’s office; I already knew the bleak outcome from my medical experience but to finally have it confirmed by her oncologist. He told us she had 1-6 months without chemo and maybe 7-10 months with the chemo. Hearing these words destroyed me, I just went numb, and all I could do was stare at a fixed point on the wall so I wouldn’t completely meltdown. I was managing up until she turned towards me and attempted to smile. I instantly broke down into a sob and my brother and dad hated seeing my pain and in reaction they broke down too. She turned to her doctor and said “I’m not worried about me; I’m worried about how devastated they’ll be.”   We decided as a family that to proceed with chemo would be a waste of valuable time. We went ahead and set up hospice at my parents’ house. We set the hospital bed up in her library, surrounded by the books she loved, family photos and all her plants and flowers. I needed to be there as much as I possibly could be; I was able to get FMLA to help take care of her. I was angry and terrified that this was happen to her, it didn’t seem fair. One of my own battles was setting aside that anger so I could be present with her. We had many long discussions leading up to her death, and I treasure everyone. She sat me down and told me what it was like when she lost her own mom, and how she felt afterwards. We talked about her favorite part of living, and what she’ll miss the most. She made me promise her that I wouldn’t give up on my dream of having a child just because she couldn’t be by my side for the journey. I often just crawled up into her hospital bed and snuggled her as long as she could handle it.   I got to witness her come to terms with her life ending, and how she was preparing herself for the transition. Her strength was unbelievable, and to watch her come terms in such a peaceful matter was truly amazing to watch. We did have some difficult talks about the reality of situation, and that she was progressing faster than we imagined. I remember telling her that the miracle I was praying for was that she passed away in her sleep, and that she was actively dying but I promised her I would stay by her side. At the end it was heart breaking to see her in so much pain, refusing to eat or drink, to watch her get confused and scared, and break down into tears. Those last few days left a scarring impression, and I find myself replaying my last moments with her. I remember her last day which happens to be my dad’s birthday. I was holding her hand and she was in and out of consciousness, but I just kept telling her to let go. She died in the middle of that night, she was a strong willed woman, and I truly believe she waited until his birthday had passed before letting go.   The minute the reality of death hits you the world around you seems to change. I instantly didn’t care about the stupid mundane things that had tripped me up before, in comparison none of that mattered. Death had this weird affect that, until I lost someone so vital to me I felt like I had nothing to lose, and that I was finally open to living in the present moment. I’ve noticed that we seem to put things off thinking we have time and that death isn’t near. The truth is you can die at any moment, and why would you delay anything when your time is so valuable. Why would you wait for a death sentence to start living?    Put down the phone, stop living through social media and actually experience something. Don’t let the 10 minutes of crap you dealt with in the day ruining your whole impression of the day. When time is so valuable don’t let something so minor have such an effect on you. I’m trying to live my life to the fullest for her, to honor her battle. To experience everything this world has to offer and to live to the fullest and by doing so I’m honoring her memory and she’s living within me. I just ask that you stand for something, make your presence in this world known, and live your life with a purpose. -Megan V.

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