#the ultimate comics are a hot mess and I wish marvel would quit grabbing from them

[cartoonus-maximus]

If I ever met Bendis irl, there's a very real chance that I might actually thank him for creating characters like Miles Morales and Riri Williams, who I think are fun and valuable additions to the comics, and then promptly slap him for every single crime he wrote into the Ultimates universe.

[glassrain]

Marvel AU Questions: If J. Jonah Jameson had caught Spider-Man's true face on camera, what would his reactions be to knowing that Spider-Man is Peter Parker? Would Jonah place a HUGE bounty on Spider-Man soon after? Or would he not do it out of respect and concern over Peter?

Ooh, interesting question.

Of course, a lot of the answer is going to depend on which depiction of Jolly Jonah we’re dealing with, but Jameson typically isn’t one of the characters who changes dramatically from one rendition to the next so I think I can work with this premise with a decent amount of confidence. Although I’ve never read any Spider-Man comics, so my reasoning is going to come largely from movies and cartoons. I hope that’s alright.

(Also, you might want to brace yourself - this is probably going to get significantly longer than you were expecting.)

So ultimately I think the crux of the issue is: Why does J. J. Jameson hate Spiderman so much, and would that hatred be enough motivation for him to out Peter? And at the end of the day (as well as after much internal debate) I’m going to have to say no. Or at least it’s not likely.

As much as Jameson hates Spider-Man, this sentiment is more of an accumulation of small reasons than one big, intrinsic problem he has with the web-slinger. And frankly, while he might be loud, angry, and obnoxious to work with, Jameson’s bark is significantly worse than his bite. At first Spider-Man frustrates him because he can’t get any good stories or photos - a shot at both his income and his professional ego. Not a good mix for the temperamental and selfish Jameson. Spider-Man also rubs his inner-cynic wrong with the Good Samaritan act, because honestly, no one in New York is that noble and selfless anymore, get real. Spider-Man being no more than a long con would also be an excellent story, so Jameson wants to believe it.

Or how about the fact that Spider-Man, with his quips and mask, his adoring fans and his fun-loving sarcasm, is always going to have the upper hand with Jameson? And I think that’s probably the biggest reason - Jameson is an unlikable control-freak (even though I love Jameson, personally, he’s hilarious) and Spider-Man is something he has never been able to control. Spider-Man was hot news long before the Daily Bugle managed to start printing real stories about him, so Jameson lost his opportunity to color the vigilante in whatever role he wanted. His negative stories have had little to no effect on either the populace who adores the masked hero, or on Spider-Man himself, and that just galls Jameson. He rules his staff with an iron fist, a fearsome temper and copious threats - but on the occasion that he and Spider-Man actually interact face-to-face, his fear tactics and power moves are turned into lighthearted jokes at his own expense. As head of the Daily Bugle he’s used to having emergence amounts of power at his fingertips … and to lose all that to a whack-job in spandex gets to him like nothing else.

And finally, of course, there’s the fact that J. J. just likes to complain.

So what’s my point with all of this? My point is that Jameson may hate Spider-Man, yes, but he doesn’t actually hate Spider-Man. Jameson is a petty drama queen with a bone to pick, but he doesn’t have any genuinely malicious feelings for the web-head, no matter how much he may harp about it. And remember what I said about his bark being worse than his bite? Yes, he might gun for a stranger in a onesie … but I believe he’d be significantly less inclined to jeopardize the sweet, gawky high school/college kid who flirts (very, very badly) with his secretary.

I’m going to reference Spider-Man II for a moment. There are two scenes I want to talk about. The first is that moment when Doc Ock shows up at the Daily Bugle in order to find Peter. Clearly unstable and sporting metal tentacles that can do a ton of damage - this is not a man you want to antagonize. However, when said man grabs Jameson by the throat and lifts him off the ground, strangling him as he asks for Peter’s location, Jameson doesn’t even bat an eyelash before lying to his face, talking about how he’s never even met the kid, how he has no idea where he is - gesturing at Peter to run for it all the while. Despite the fact that simply pointing his finger would immediately have turned Dr. Octopus’ attention off of him, as well as the fact that the villain might just decide to kill him anyway if he doesn’t get what he wants, Jameson doesn’t hand over Peter. Jameson doesn’t even like Peter, really, but Peter’s a good kid so he protects him anyway.

The second scene is the one in his office, when Peter steals his suit back. Spider-Man has been AWOL for a while, crime is surging again, and Jameson quietly admits to Robbie that Spider-Man was a hero who was doing good in this world. All his previous, gleeful triumph gone, now solemn and wishing Spider-Man was back to protect New York once again.

While Jameson would normally throw Peter under whatever bus was rolling his way, while he would normally be more than happy to see Spider-Man disappear forever - when the rubber meets the road, Jameson is quite capable of putting his personal feelings aside and looking at the situation practically. J. J usually acts on whatever sour mood he’s in without thinking twice about it, but on the occasion that forces him to think, he’s rational and careful. And I believe that catching Peter pulling his mask is a situation he would think about first. And, eventually, come to the reluctant, grating conclusion to keep the information quiet.

Of course, after he got over his fuming and griping, he would quickly become aware of some fringe benefits. Like the fact that he’s literally Spider-Man’s boss, and can proceed to make him as miserable as possible.

It’s not hard to picture. His stories on the web-slinger quickly go from accusatory to utterly outlandish … and of course, he makes a point of discussing them while Parker’s in the room, so that he can sit back and giggle at the outraged expressions and delightful shades of purple climbing up the kid’s neck. Parker’s absences and general tardiness, once a mild irritant, are now Jameson’s fondest playground. “Parker! You’re ten minutes late, grab me a coffee - decaf, black - or I’m docking your pay. What, you’ve got a problem with the way I run my business? You wanna work from someone else, maybe? That’s what I thought. Be back in five or I’m having you take the trash out too.” And suddenly, Peter’s pictures aren’t any good either. The people are tired of the same generic Spidey shots, swinging on webs and punching villains. “You bring me something original, something fresh, Parker, or you’re fired.” Spider-Man’s poses slowly grow so absurd that New York starts to think Spider-Man is messing with the Daily Bugle on purpose. Maybe to get back at them for their horrible stories? New York is baffled, Peter is exhausted, and Jameson is utterly giddy.

Because, what would you know? Look’s like J. Jonah Jameson has conquered Spider-Man after all.