#the two that are supervisors are bad and they hate eachother but the one thats just a co teacher is sneaky af

[guinevereslancelot]

not my two co-teachers asking me if i know anyone who would want to work here bc we need more teachers. sorry but all my friends know about all the insane coworker drama i'm always complaining about so they wouldn't ever work here lol

[cake-of-awesome]

how does one make friends

how does one develop and maintain close friendships

how does one be friendly with others

another coworker of mine has said shes been looking at jobs. ive been aware of this for a while now, shes mentioned it in our group chats multiple times, and has been on the job hunt for a while. its the same story as another former coworker. he had been looking for a good long time before he eventually left.

shes really talented and i admire her a whole lot. she has aspirations for greater things, just like my other friend, their goals and desires to do more with their life is something i truly admire as i do not have that will or drive at all

but it also makes me really sad because i feel like im going to be left behind and forgotten.

today she mentioned her supervisor had low key offered her to work remotely on the east coast, back where her family is originally from. she said this in a joking sort of way because the past few weeks shes been especially down with the winter weather

i guess that sort of set me off though. reminded me that this situation isnt permanent and soon she’ll be gone too.

i hate this

intellectually i know people come and go in our lives, and sooner or later we have to say good bye to people.

but emotionally i feel like my world is getting smaller and smaller. i already had two friends move away this year. and even if we still talk on a weekly basis my immediate social circle is lacking quite a bit

i dont want to replace them at all but my god it would be nice to have weekly hang out sessions with people again. to hang out with people my own age. to feel like i can relax and not have to look over my shoulder all the time about who i am.

ive join organizations both at work and in the community. i go to events both as a social event and as a way to help better the world around me. im trying. but i feel like im failing or at least flailing.

any events at work feels like busy work. my heart isnt in it. and between my actual work duties and lack of, drive i guess, ive been avoiding meetings for those organizations. i feel bad about it. but i dont think going to them would help either. i feel like an outsider. like im just there and then im not.

how does one make small talk. how does one build relationships. how does one develop work friendships into friendships where you see eachother outside of work.

how does one be vulnerable.

i hate myself

im not sure when or how i got to this point but i really truly hate myself.

i hate who i am as a person. the idea that i exist in a physical space. and the idea that? someone wants to spend time with me or hold any positive thoughts of my existence? that seems alien and uncomfortable.

maybe thats why i dont like opening up? i dont want people to like me because i dont like me

at the same time im a coward and hate the idea of people hating me too.

i cling to any sense of positive feelings because i cant give myself that. i feel like i float through most days without much concern because im just too apathetic to care. the only thing i care about is playing gatcha games because i know its such a time waster

i dont know what to do

i thought about taking some courses at a community college. or volunteering at a museum. something to get me out of the house and experience new things. but at the same time, thats so much energy

its not like im doing anything at home anyways though