#the tldr of this is i love Communication and Feelings and Angst btw
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in protest of romance
is it beautiful or can you simply not afford a doctor? either is fine but one answer will make me less mad at you
I learned about limerence today. You can't get mad at me for not knowing what limerence is because I am a freshman in college. I have so many thoughts on it but mostly I'm mad. I'm mad that everything I'm seeing from other people who do this (which I'm not totally convinced isn't everyone) is making it out to be so romantic. "I love too much and I love to love" We'd all like to think that of ourselves.
A few weeks ago, I was expressing to my good friend my (fairly mild) distaste of Laufey's music. I don't have a problem with her as an artist, but I don't really like her voice and her lyrics don't speak to me. Whatever. (Sidenote: One time I played the song Downtown Train by Tom Waits for this same friend and she turned to me and went "[name]. What is this." So we're even. Not that it matters.) Anyway, my friend jokingly made a jab at me, saying that I should just "learn to romanticize life like the rest of us." My immediate response, and what I maintain is true, was that I romanticize plenty, I just romanticize differently. I don't listen to Laufey to romanticize, I usually prefer something a little more upbeat and easy to dance to. That's besides the point, the point is not how I romanticize, the point is that I don't understand why I felt the need to defend myself in regards to how much I romanticize my life.
I get why romanticizing life is so fun and appealing. I mean, clearly, I do it, by my own furious admission. The world is awful and on top of it, you're experiencing intrapersonal and interpersonal turmoil. You feel angst about it. So romanticizing life and your own feelings can make things a bit more bearable. I completely understand. However. To what end. To what end!
Why does everything have to be beautiful?
Which kind of brings me back to limerence. I wish I found comfort in knowing that there is not only a word, but a whole community, for the horrible, debilitating feeling of being obsessed with someone. I don't like that there are people who I would be willing go to probably creepy length for, to simply hang out with. I don't like that this person is consuming my every waking moment for months on end. I feel gross and perverse. It feels pretty fucking ugly. The last thing I want to do is make this feeling beautiful. I don't want to make it beautiful, I want to make it go away!
So I'll ask again: Why does everything Have to be beautiful? Why Should I keep romanticizing everything? Is this what we're doing forever? Are we going to sigh and make doe eyes and quote Mitski lyrics to each other forever? I'm not going to be able to do anything with all this love in my heart if I can feel my brain deteriorating from the inside out and the only thing my little bubble is doing to help me is reminding me how my love is mine all mine.
I'm not talking about art btw. I'm talking about while going about your fucking day. And don't come at me with how there's beauty in everything and you just have to be willing to see it or some shit. Sure! Fine! If that makes you happy! And I so genuinely hope it does, because if it doesn't then this isn't serving anybody.
This went off the rails. I don't know what I'm talking about anymore.
TLDR; we need to stop romanticizing everything . it's going to give us all cancer or smth
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Hey there. I'm one of those folks reposting your break-up-wait-why-did-we-break-up posts. Because they are SO GREAT! Part of what draws me in is how this/your Andrew finds another way to respect Neil's boundaries + agency. You said you're primarily writing academic work now. Well, IF you are so inclined/have time to make room, would you consider writing more in this vein? Maybe what happens next when they *are* calling + visiting? Maybe they try sexting? Don't care WHAT, but I do care for MOREâ€
arrives seven months late with whatever this is, part 1 here but not really needed, this is just long distance shmoop and feelings
hello yes one order of long-distance communication coming up. thank you SO MUCH for your kind words!!Â
âYou know Aaron actually send me a meme yesterday, you think heâs forgiven me?â Neil asked, curled up at the end of the couch, his laptop on the coffee table showing Andrewâs somewhat pixellated face.Â
âAaron said heâd steal my knives and stab you himself if you, and I quote, âmess this shit up againâ,â Andrew replied, leaning back against his pillow, âI told him that I called dibs on that five years ago.â he shifted again, probably trying to get the blanket wrapped around his feet like he refused to admit he liked, and Neil ached to brush his fingers over the skin behind his knees
âIâm still putting memes down as progress, and according to Robin it was a good one at that.â
âThereâs a ranking?â
âDonât ask me, Iâm just a lowly exy captain with no taste in internet humour, apparentlyâ Neil smirked when he hears Andrew huff a laugh, but looked down, swallowing to build up the courage to ask âHey, Drew?âÂ
âHmm?â
âCan I keep the phone on again tonight? Just. Itâs been a weird week.â
Maybe Neil imagined it, but the corners of Andrewâs eyes seemed to soften the tiniest bit, âYes, you can. I donât mind.â
Neil had left Andrewâs place with a new stolen jersey, two worn soft hoodies that he didnât plan to put into the wash, and his emotions in a swirling messÂ
They had spent the weekend talking, slowly rekindling themselves, Neil doing his best to skirt around the issue of basically no sleep and trying to keep the rest of the Foxes from figuring out his slow collapse. But Andrew could still see through his smoke and mirrors, could draw out a sigh and an honest answer with the touch of his thumb to Neil's cheekbone
So they talked about the future, where theyâd go from here.Â
âItâs simple. every time you thought about telling me something, sending me a message or a picture, you do that. You donât ignore it, you just send me a picture of that stupid sign at the coffee shop.â Andrew had summed it up, the way he stared at his cup for a few seconds before the only indicator of his unease with the open talk. He had gotten better at it over the years, but Neil suspected that the break hadnât exactly helped in healing old wounds.
âI just donât want to annoy you. Or distract you.â
âNeil. as much as you annoy me sometimes, I much prefer that over not knowing whether youâre about to keel over from sleep deprivation.â
Neil blew out a huffed breath âThatâs not what I want it to be about. Weâre not doing this because I apparently function better with you around. If I send you something or call you I want it to be because we both enjoy it.â he shifted uneasily, keeping his toes tucked under Andrew's thighs, trying to ignore the way Andrew kept drawing small circles on his ankle almost unconsciously, âI donât want you back just so I can sleep. I could have figured that out. I want you back because having you there makes everything easier, yes, but it also makes everything better. I love having you around, I want to talk to you just because itâs you and youâre, well, youâre my favourite person.âÂ
He knew his head must have been fire engine red at this point, and his eyes kept flickering over to the book on the shelf, the cat dish by the door, the picture of the twins at graduation day on the wallÂ
(He remembered Nicky beaming at finally getting a picture of the two of them, how he kept calling out obscene things to try and get them to smile until Aaron finally cracked and started laughing, leading to Andrew throwing his brother a look that could be called slightly bemused, the corners of his mouth twitching. He also knew Nicky had his own copy of the picture at his house in Germany, and according to Erik kept showing it off as âMy cousins, the doctor-to-be and the exy starâ)Â
Andrew looked at him, his hand closing around his ankle, biting his lip before letting out a slow breath: âI have pictures on my phone. Of the cat, and some random Exy magazine with Boydâs badly photoshopped face on it that I wanted to send to you. It could fill a whole wing at the damn MOMA at this point. I told you yesterday that I would have driven down to see you. Iâm not here to be your sleeping pill, and Iâm not doing anything I donât want to do.â
And Neil had inched forwards, dropping his head on Andrewâs shoulder and pressing a kiss against the hinge of his jaw. âItâll work this time, right?â, he whispered against Andrewâs skin, slightly timid in the face of his own vulnerability.Â
âWe want it to,â Andrew replied, pushing his nose into Neilâs hair, âWeâll make it work.â
[n] - âi hate this.â
âiâll be home in ten, iâll call you.â
[n] - âno, donât. itâs fine. iâm fine. i just.â
[n] - âi miss you so goddamn much.â
[n] - âi just want to see you. no pixels no phone no anything. just see youâ
[n] - âsometimes i wake up and i think youâre there because the blankets you left when you moved out are all bunched up behind me and i can feel them at my back and i go to touch you and thereâs nothing.â
[n] - âand it just hurts.â [n] - âbut itâs almost worth it because for that split second i think youâre there. i dream about you and then i wake up and for a second youâre actually here.â
[n] - âbut youâre not.â
[n] - âiâm sorry. i know youâre busy and this isnât the right place. and it isnât your fault. this is all just screwed up.â
âi miss you tooâ
[n] - âandrewâ
âiâll call you, okay? iâm almost home.âÂ
âI canât believe you actually send me a care package.â Andrew drawled, but Neil could hear the undercurrent of amusement and found himself squishing the phone closer to his ear
âI have half your closet in my drawer at this point. Figured it was time to even the score a bit,â he replied, lazily stirring his pasta around and watching the bubbles break at the surface.
âThat explains the jersey and the hoodie, but not the rest.â
âDonât tell me you havenât been missing those bars, the cafĂ© basically went bankrupt without you buying up their stock.â
 Andrew had gotten weirdly obsessed with the chocolate oat bars the small coffee shop just off campus sold in his fourth year, and Neil blamed Renee entirely. She had dragged him there the first time, after all. Neil still found the occasional crumb in some of his jackets from Andrew smuggling those things, âAnd the book looked like something youâd be interested in, thatâs all.âÂ
âIt is,â Andrew answered after a small pause, and Neil considered how he could manoeuvre around draining his pasta one-handed before he decided to just drag it off the heat. Let it be soggy. The speaker on his phone was rubbish anyway.
Neil leaned back against the counter, absentmindedly rubbing at a stain with his thumb. âDo you like it? Not just the book, the whole thing. I just thought itâs one of those things, right?. I wanted to send you some of my clothes. And I wanted you to have those bars and the book. Just like the pictures.â
Andrew huffed a small breath, his voice quiet, and Neil wanted so badly to just see his face, âYeah Neil, I liked it.â
They stayed silent. Neil in his shoddy dorm kitchen, his pasta slowly turning cold and mushy, his roommates discarded plate in the sink. He could imagine Andrew in his house, on the couch or just out the back door, twirling a cigarette between his fingers. He had given up smoking before graduating, but his hands still needed something to hold on sometimes. Or maybe he was in his bedroom, the unpacked contents of the package around him. Neil wanted to be there, regardless.Â
âThe cat toy was unneeded though.âÂ
âThat cat needs something to play with, even I know that.â
âSheâs not my cat, Josten.â
âYou sent me a picture of her sleeping on your chest literally a week ago.â
âThat was confidential.â
âThat was adorable, Andrew. I made it my home screen. Sheâs your cat. Take the damn toy.â
Neil woke up with a start, only realizing his phone vibrating on the bedside table had woken him up after a second of startled panic, picking it up and squinting at the brightness of the screen
[andrew] -Â âcan i call you?â
He hit call on Andrewâs number before he could even think about it, dread rising back up at the back of his throat.Â
âNeil.â Andrewâs voice was low, and it took Neil a moment to place the forced calm in it.Â
âHey,â he replied softly, scooting out of bed quietly and making his way to the couch in the living room. There was a blanket on there that Nicky had left behind when he went back to Germany that always reminded Neil of him, and he wrapped his legs in it now, âHey, Iâm here.â
There was nothing on the line apart from Andrewâs shallow, fast breathing, so familiar to Neil after years of sleeping in the same bed and waking up to nightmares creeping at the edge of the window.Â
âDâyou want me to talk?â, he asked, voice soft and quiet both for the sake of his roommates and Andrew.
Neil could hear Andrew shifting, the almost-not-there sound of his feet on the wooden floor of his bedroom as he went over to the window, the slight creak in the handle as he turned it to let some air in.Â
âYeah. Talk.â
âDan stopped by today, she was on her way to a conference,â Neil knew this game from too much practice, knew the exact sort of topics and tone to use, âSome of the freshmen wanted to pin her down and force her to be our new coach, but I guess thatâs what happens if you donât know her drillsâÂ
He could hear Andrew huffing and felt himself relax the tiniest bit. Reactions were good, and he didnât know if he could live with himself if his voice wasnât enough tonight.Â
So he kept talking, about Danâs commentary on the teamâs form, about her ruffling his hair when she hugged him goodbye, about the pictures Allison had sent him from her trip to Portugal.Â
Nothing too complicated, nothing too emotional. Nothing about how heâd had a nagging worry at the back of his head all day when Andrew didnât reply to his messages, or the fact that he had once again found himself staring at the prices for last minute plane tickets, toying with the idea, the team and school be damned. Neil could see the clock in the corner lazily shifting from 2 to 3 am, and settled in deeper into the couch cushions.Â
âOh, and Dan brought me something, actually,â he found himself saying, the end of the sentence trailing off into the darkness of the room.
âWhat did she bring you?â Andrew asked, his voice rough but had lost the tension that was all over it just 15 minutes ago.Â
âSome pictures, of your graduation party.â Neil could basically feel the slight hitch on Andrewâs next breath and leaned his forehead on his drawn up knees. He hadnât wanted to bring it up, but the night apparently made him lose his head just a little bit. âShe hadnât sorted through them yet when she was here the last time, but she found a few she thought we might want. Sheâll send the rest to Nicky and Aaron.âÂ
Dan had mentioned the rest of the pictures, of Nicky in his sparkly graduation cap chugging a bottle of champagne at 3am and Aaron falling asleep on the couch next to his twin, snuggling an oversized plush toy bear dressed as a doctor that the cheerleaders had gifted him. But Neil had only nodded, staring at the pieces off glossy photo picture she had stuffed into his hands.Â
âThereâs a few of us,â he started, clearing his throat slightly, âOn the armchair. I donât really remember it, it must have been late.â
âDuring the karaoke.â Neil could basically see him, the faint light from the streetlights spilling on his hair, the cowlick near his ear that always appeared after sleeping, the crinkles in his old faintly blue sleep shirt and he closed his eyes, willing to keep the longing at bay.Â
âProbably,â he replied, shifting his head on his knees so he wouldnât muffle the phone, âtheyâre not perfect, some of them are out of focus and the colours are all weird from the lights the girls dragged in but,â he cut himself off, pressing his mouth closed. This had never been supposed to be so hard.Â
He could hear Andrew breathing out again before his voice came through the phone, âYou were in my lap, sideways. You had been wound up all day, but you were relaxed then. Laughing at Boyd murdering Holding Out For A Hero. There was glitter in your hair from all the horrid party hats. Your shirt kept slipping off your shoulder because you mixed them up and put on the bigger one that morning.â
âYou kissed me,â Neil whispered, not wanting to interrupt Andrew but the words slipping out anyway, âWhen Nicky and Katelyn were doing Summer Nights. Dan got it in the background. Everyoneâs looking at the two of them, but weâre just. There. Together. Your hands are under my shirtâ
âI didnât want to leave,â Andrew said, and the words seemed to crackle in hundreds of miles between them.Â
âI didnât want you to leave either,â Neil replied, feeling his heart clench, âI thought about that night a lot, you know. When we were,â he paused, biting his lower lip, âNot us.â
âMe too.â There was a pause before Andrew spoke again, his voice just a bit less vulnerable than a minute ago. Neil admired his ability to try and dredge them up from below, âGive some of them to me, when Iâm coming down.â
âTwo weeks,â Neil smiled slightly, half bitter half happy, at the mention of Andrewâs nearing visit. There was a countdown on his phone, but hearing it made it seem more real.Â
âTwo weeks.âÂ
Neil sat up, trying to blow the hair off his forehead. It was almost 3:30 am, but he knew he couldnât just go back to sleep now, and he knew Andrew would be feeling the same way.Â
âHey, you wanna watch a movie?â he asked, already pushing the blanket off his legs, âI just need to get my laptop.â
Andrew huffed, âYeah, I do. My choice, though. Iâm not watching another Mission Impossible.â
âAdmit it, you like them,â Neil said, a smile playing around the corners of his mouth while he got up and padded to the desk to retrieve his laptop.Â
âLies and slander,âÂ
A few minutes later Neil was curled up again, his laptop on his legs and the phone on speaker on his shoulder, the world not looking quite as blurry with the shine of the laptop screen and the sound of Andrew navigating the Netflix menu through the speaker.Â
âHey, Neil?â
âYeah?â
âWeâre trying. Weâre making it work.â
âI know. And just two more weeks. I donât think Iâll let you leave the room.â
âAnd what if I want to say hello to our darling coach?â
âI think youâll be quite happy here, with me.â
There was a pause before Andrewâs reply came back, sending a river of molten sunshine through Neilâs core, âYeah, I guess I will be.â
#foxsoulcourt#the foxhole court#andreil#tfc#this took me SO LONG#shout out to zara larsson's ruin my life for the final push#i also wanted to include a scene of them Meeting Up but it didn't fit o if you want that i'm wiggling my eyebrows you know#the tldr of this is i love Communication and Feelings and Angst btw#mine#andrewneil
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