#the title of manager because I didn't even have college credits

[northwest-cryptid]

You forgot the part where they ask how much you're looking to get paid only to make it super clear that if you put anything above [Less than Minimum Wage because this job allows tips] you won't be selected but if you DO get the job you also have tips split among all working employees evenly including employees who had no hand in earning those tips and despite there being no work they overstaff so you only get .10 to the dollar per tip and you only make $5 an hour but because you get tips there is this fun optional tip law that businesses can do (and will tell you that you will be fired for not signing despite being "optional") for tax purposes that cuts an additional $2 off your hourly wages to account for unreported cash tips you are absolutely not getting so you're only making $3 an hour but god forbid you work like it because they expect $20 an hour worth of work for $3 worth of pay and they insist you ARE replaceable no matter how good you are so why bother.

After all if you want a good paying job all you need to do is have good enough credit to go into life threatening levels of debt you will never pay off to attend college for 4-8 years so you can not get a job in the field you went to school for and end up resenting your younger coworkers who make slightly more than you because they work the same job but don't have student loan debt and the company absolutely will not pay you a matching wage because they have more experience since they have been working here for the 4-8 years you went to school and that is why they earn... $1.25 more an hour which places them just about $3 below minimum wage.

But yea no one wants to work.

people are like "no one wants to work anymore" when every job application is like upload your resume and cover letter. okay now manually type out your resume and cover letter in our text boxes. okay now answer these 10 riddles. okay now take a rorschach test. okay now upload a photo of your childhood bedroom and explain the relationship between its layout and the adult you are today. okay now show us your youtube watch history. okay now define the color "red." okay now walk into a patch of poison ivy and take a selfie of you holding up a paper saying "i <3 ivy." okay now wave your hands in the air if you just don't care. that one was a trick to cull the applicants who don't care. okay now choose a loved one to sacrifice. great! thank you for submitting your application we will not be calling you

[p-receh]

Ramadhan's over with my rants of Moon Knight!

...yeah i could make the title a bit more sense but I just want to release my thoughts so I could move on to something in peace.

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Okay, where do I start? Oh yeah, I genuinely don't know a damn thing about this series. I watched a little clip last year when it was aired on my television—that bathroom scene—and instantly pinned to my brain for 'need to watch' list. But shamefully, either I forgot or didn't have much time to do so.

I dunno I am a bit tired to watch mcu related shows after endgame. No, scratch that, spiderman: FFH(because TASM casts were back). I usually watched TV shows in jumbled episodes and then I moved on. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate it, but most of them didn't get my interest (I'm a fan of Hawkeye but didn't managed to finished it) and the last two years was a bit hectic for my college.

Gladly, this year I have more free time during Eid's Holiday so I finally take my time to watch and ... oh boy i didn't regret a single of it.

It almost felt like a nostalgic trip to the first Iron-man. Fresh from any cameos within mcu in which I surprisingly late to notice this after the show. Saving the budget for their own show is more important than forcing to add any related mcu cameos into the series. It is brave and clever decision imo.

Also I love this kind of show, showcasing multiple alter-egos of the person is one my fav theme. One of my fav shows were 'Split' and 'Do No Harm'. There's also the Iconic story of 'The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde'. I also watched the documentary with one of them is 'The Monster Inside: The 24 Faces of Billy Milligan' from netflix.

The way media portraying DID in my view usually divided into 2 ver:

- Either Battling each alters in which who owns the body till the end.

- Or chattering each other like people with schizophrenia.

In which I don't know if it's well portrayed enough but most analysis video from phycologist expert youtubers usually hate the way media showed it...until moon knight, like for example this and that.

I myself once suffered as an autism with schizophrenia that almost having the same experience like Steven did the whole time. It was so bad that my mother actually invited me to the phycologist and did ruqyah method(a soul cleansing method by muslim community). So I kinda have a basic knowledge with that disorder.

ehem.

Huge kudos to Oscar Isaac playing his characters so flawlessly. And again I regret knowing him later after I watched the credits on the last episode because of my stereotype of him with his beard lmaoo XD

Goddamn his acting is superb! The way he differentiates his eye movements and body languages between Marc, Steven, even with Khonsu for a little time was really fascinating to watch. Look him in the eye at the moment and he could show you which alter he's doing without speak.

Like for real, I genuinely don't know about his alters let alone the third one at the mid-scene credits. My first initial thoughts was: "Huh... a new actor I guess...?"

....

*check goggle

*check tumblr

...

"HOLY SHIT THAT'S OSCAR TOO???!!!" O.o

Ugh I couldn't remember how many times I rewind in each scene, frame by frame. Always interesting to analyze what makes them distinguished between each other and learn something new every day. :D

Interestingly, May Calamawy should get the same praise tho. Their chemistry as a power couple developed beautifully well throughout the series. Being able to represent well that there will be a person who actually understand and help unstable person in need is fairly rare these days. Therefor, when she actually got her power, it's felt so rewarded. Also can we talk how good she acted that specific scene in ep 6?? :3

Ethan Hawke performance as a cult leader is also perfect. If Oscar's strongest suit was his face language, Hawke's strongest suit will be his speaking technique. You can almost indulged by his voice into his cult and It's scary lol.

somehow reminds me of Ralph Fiennes' perfomance of 'The Menu'

The visual effects...hm...might be not the best tbf. And I think this is one the series who has less vfx's scene. I can see they trying to maximizing their budget and focusing on what they need to add, and I think it's fair. I always love Oscar's summoned the suit moment(oh the details with the eyes...) and the gods really nice to look at.

Oh I forgot, kudos to Mohammed Diab showcasing a proper panoramic scenes of Egypt. Yes, finally! Less miserable yellow sand place but more of a beautiful dessert country for once. In fact it mostly built city within Cairo for the movie purpose speak a whole story. The crew knew exactly with their job and I loved every single of it(a bit sad they didn't get the permission to shoot in that country but I understand why).

Of course, not all of episodes are perfect, ep 3 and 6 are arguably the least one(whichever you might prefer the most). For me I choose the third one. Even though ep 6 is the shortest, that episode served it goal from the start. Where as ep 3, ...I dunno I kinda has love and hate relationship with it(?). It has my personal fav credits music, one of Marc & Steven's memorable moments. But...somehow the overall story and pacing are... not good. This is more like a filler episode...

I guess they wanted to use Gaspard Ulliel for future, but an unexpected sudden shift impacted the whole thing. I cannot blame them anyway so I'm genuinely fine with those minuses(RIP to the man btw. I love his acting in that episode)

But that's just me. I'm no expert, just a girl with opinions :/

The fight scenes were good though. Not much but when they did, they did right.

In back of my mind they will add those for the 2nd season. Clearly and brutally(like c'mon, the amount of blood from ep 1 yet slowly decreased until ep 6...surely they must be doing it on purpose, don't they?)

But nonetheless I can wait. As long as they confirmed with the tag 'season finale' and phase 5 road map.

Yeah I can wait :D

.

.

PS : I just don't get people thought Marc letting Harrow free is lazy writing or another usual hero antics 'that's the hero thing to do with mcu villain'.

Like I get it, at first I was surprised at that moment. But the second after he said, "Do it yourself" it just make sense. First and foremost, Marc's goal from the start of the series is to be free. Period.

He just didn't want to do that under Khonsu. Being just another slaver. Not only because Layla's reassurance imo.

Well I got satisfied in the end. Marc's vengeance was already been done by Jake and he's the perfect person to do that.

So it's still a win-win.

[adamwatchesmovies]

Australiens (2014)

While I didn't enjoy this film, that doesn't mean you won't. No matter what I say, the people involved in this project did it: they actually made a movie. That's something to be applauded. With that established...

Australiens walks into the room like it’s about to be your new step daddy but it couldn’t be more wrong. The creativity started and stopped with its title. The rest is all downhill. I can forgive the horrible special effects but the jokes are horrendous and the characters worse.

17 years after a close encounter with a flying saucer, Andi Gibson (Rita Artmann), her brother Elliot (Doug Hatch), and her bandmates Cam (Tamara McLaughlin), Keith (Lawrence Silver), and John (Joe Bauer) spot an alien ship. It’s a full-blown invasion focussed squarely on Australia. Convinced she’s the key to ending the conflict, Andi leads them on a mission to save the world.

I’ll get the special effects out of the way. At best, the aliens’ ship look passable. When they start firing beams and knocking over buildings, it isn’t convincing but you give this low-budget venture a pass. Then, you get to see who pilots those ships and any good faith you might’ve had vanishes. The creatures look so awful you expect them to start giving you directions to some run-down tourist trap or the college multimedia course. Still, you might dock Australiens some points but admit the movie is worth checking out if the writing was worth a damn, which it isn’t.

It takes about 2 minutes for Australiens to make a joke about Uranus. The first time, I'll give it a pass (partially because a child makes the joke) but a similar comedic affront comes around every 20 minutes or so. That’s the level of writing we’re talking about. It’s like the movie is telling you it’s going to be garbage right away with horrible performances and a wig so unconvincing you’re not sure if it’s purposely crap. You’ve run out of fingers to count down things the movie does wrong when it suddenly flashes forward to introduce us to the story's REAL protagonists. At least we're making our way towards the end credits. That's something, right?

Each of our heroes is either an annoying stereotype or irritating for another reason. Andi is obsessed with spacemen, which is understandable considering she saw one as a kid and is witnessing an invasion. Keep that in mind when I say she takes things too far. Even her bandmates are fed up with her talks of little green men. They’ve got bigger things to worry about because they collectively have less musical talent than a carrot. If your protagonist isn’t going to be competent or intelligent, they better be charismatic. Failing this, they better be funny. If not, you get someone like Andi.

The rest of our main characters fare no better. Elliot is one of these cartoon nerds that doesn’t exist in real life. You can predict every single one of his lines from the moment we see him puffing on his ashthma inhaler as a kid. I had given up on the film long before he started talking about a strange lump on his testicles. I hoped it wouldn’t get any worse, but it does. This Tasmania-obsessed script lasts a gargantuan hour and fifty-one minutes. In bad comedy time, that roughly translates to a thousand Earth years.

Once in a while, the movie will manage to catch you off-guard with an amusing gag. Does it redeem it in any way? No. The attempts at humor are so lazy it’s the kind of thing you’d see high schoolers come up with. Seeing it delivered by “professionals” fills you with a level of embarrassment that threatens to be fatal. I know you’re not supposed to take what happens in this story too seriously but there isn’t even any attempt to make the plot make sense and at several points it looks like it’s about to try and tie things together to make multi-layered gags… and then Australiens just gives up. You'll be in agony until its post-credit scene.

Australiens is the kind of movie that’s too pathetic to have a Wikipedia page. No one could enjoy it enough to take the time and effort necessary to write a synopsis worthy of the site. Everyone who hates it (so, everyone who wasn’t involved in its production) will be glad to put as much distance between them and this black hole of humour as humanly possible. (January 22, 2021)

[rj019]

The characters don't belong to me. All credits to Marvel or Disney or Stan Lee idk.

So this is my first ever Tumblr Post (人*´∀｀)｡*ﾟ+

Hope you guys will like it.. I'm new to this & I might make some mistakes so I hope you guys can understand and help me throughout my journey (◍•ᴗ•◍)

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Title : Genius, YouTuber, Artist, Musician and Spider-Man

Fandom : MCU

Pairing : Starker(tony stark x peter parker)

Rating : Mature (NSFW, Sexual Content)

Prompt : Social Media

Summary :

Tony started crushing on a guy who is 5 years younger than him... And You all know who that is 😉 one and only Peter Parker.

And Peter has a very famous Youtube channel since he was 6. But he always wears mask in his videos to hide his face. He often mentions his crush on Tony Stark since he was 12 in his videos.

" CHAPTER - 0 "

The notes below are for the things that happened till Peter is 20 from when I'll actually start the story. I didn't wanted to get it all mixed up. So I wrote these so you guys can understand the AU better and how everything came to be and not get confused. It explains everything about Pete's social media, everyone's ages and which part of MCU is included and which is not, and the changes in the whole storyline. So these are must read it if you want to read the actual chapters. (☆▽☆)

Notes :

Tony is 25 year old in this and Pete is 20 and they're both certified geniuses. And they are both Bisexual.

Tony's perants are alive. Pete's uncle Ben is also alive.

Howard is a good parent and husband in this fic and he himself is a Bi so congrats!! No homophobia 🤗

Howard made Tony CEO of the company when he was 22 and only took semi retirement and only went to company once in a while to keep an eye on things. Tony graduated from MIT when he was 17 and then he started helping with company 😀

So Avengers and S. H. I. E. L. D. does exist in this AU but sheild isn't publicly known nor does anyone knows Avengers' real identity that includes Tony's😉 but that was just until New York battle.

Howard and Maria obviously knew about Tony being Iron Man. Tony told them after he came from Afghanistan and created the armor. There was no way to keep it hidden from them. Like all the parents they were reluctant to accept it as it will endanger his life but the accepted it at last.

Tony was kidnapped when he was 19 and when he went to Afganistan for his first ever deal without his father. And bla bla happened and he became Ironman and then he told his father about the Arc reactor tech and told him that there are many other things that can get their company to it's peak and asked him to stop the weapon business and Howard aslo thought about it cause after all he almost lost his one and only son (told ya he is good parent it this one) and then you know what happened 🙃

Howard is alive so no Obadiah Stane.. So no IM 1 events after he came from Afghanistan happened. They hid the fact that tony has arc reactor in his chest though. And world only knew that Iron Man is getting help from SI because of the arc reactor technology in the armor but they could never expect that it's Tony Stark himself. ( yeah yeah I know not very convincing but bear with it cause its a fiction right😅)

Papper, Rhodey and Tony are best friends from childhood cause their parents are friends. So he tell them about IM too. Papper works with him at SI as secretary for few years but when Tony turns 24, He suggest his father to make her CEO and he will be working and providing for Techs and important business deals. And Howard knows his son very well and that doing office stuff ain't getting to Tony plus his IM activities. And Papper was already doing more than half of his paper and meeting work so he makes Papper CEO. And yep Papper and Tony did try relationship but it just didn't clicked so they are still friends and no awkward feelings.

From IM 2, he did get palladium poisoning but he hid it from his family and friends. He did parties and drinking (but without the armor ofcourse) and Rhodey got really angry at his behaviour and recklessness and told him that he will beat him up with his own armour. And then Nat and Fury came and all that injection stuff.. after that he told his father about it and they worked together and made the new element and saved him. After that he apologized to everyone and told the truth and even made Rhodey War Machine suit and Rhodey helped him with it at Expo. Race incident doesn't happen. But Vanko still tried to get revenge by helping Hammer. So Stark expo incident still happened with drones only, not the War Machine armour.

I'll say IM 3 doesn't happen cause we don't have that much time you know fitting all IM parts and then 2 avangers part just within 6 years is impossible 😅

So after that NY invasion happened and Avangers got formed. People didn't know who they atually were just their alter egos and that also not everyone. People were really shocked and afraid after the battle so the government decided to make shield publicly known. Not all the information but just lil bit parts here and there to ensure everyone that there were people and organisation who were ready for something big like this. But it was still not enough to make people safe.

So then Avengers decided that they'll reveal their identities so people will know that there is a group of people who are there and capable enough to save them from something like this and it worked. They did got positive response. But it was uproar it the world. And they had to deal with media and fans. When the world got to know about Tony Stark being Iron Man, SI's PR department was in chaos.

All Avengers are around 24 to 30 except for Wanda and Pietro. They are 21. But they got into team after Ultron and yep Pietro survived.

Events of Captain America and CA : Winter Soldier did happen except for Bucky killing Tony's perants part. And they are both 30. Clint doesn't have secret wife and children (sorry Laura and kids) cause he is 25. Nat is 24. Papper and Rhodes are 27. Thor looks like 28 but is 1500 as we all know. Loki looks like he is 26 and yepp he was mind controlled by Chitauri but he was at Asgard during Age Of Ultron. Sam is 23. Scott is 25 and he is divorced and has a daughter. He is in relationship. Hope is 24. Bruce is 29. (These are their ages at the starting of the 1st chapter, from when I'll actually start writing the story.)

In NY invasion only original 6 were included in Avengers Initiative and after that they lived together too, at the Stark tower which was turned into Avengers Tower. Later Shield recruited others and they trained and did mission together but didn't live with the original 6.

Then Age Of Ultron happened and Vision Wanda and Pietro also joined. At that time they decided to move to the compound Tony built for them in upstate so everyone can live there.

And time period between these all events is smaller than in movies cause you now 6 years time period ain't that long to fit 'em all.

No CW or IW or Endgame happened.

Mary & Richard unfortunately had to die in plane crash 😅 when Pete was 5 so his uncle and aunt looked after him from then.

When Peter was struggling to recover from his parents death, May got an idea to help him *tada* a youtube channel to distract him because she knew Pete liked to watch things on YT. Pete was a genius and he was great at art too and he is an obvious cinnamon roll so she knew it will be a success and Pete will be distracted too. But she didn't want her nephew's face all over the internet if he gets popular and then can't have normal life so she helped him make his videos with him wearing a mask. So here's where Pete's YouTube journey started 🤭

Peter being an adorable and telented and a genius he is, he got famous on YT over the years and got millions of subscribers and views. He even made accounts on other social medias like Insta and Twitter stuff releted to his YT when he was 12 and it was success too he posted his art and photography their. ( His art and videos do contain his fanboying stuff and crushing on Tony Stark🤭)

And yes Pete is Spider-Man. He became SM when he was 13. Same radioactive spider at oscorp stuff but without Ben dying.

Ben has his own business which is good enough to have stable and cozy life with his wife and nephew. May is house wife and she likes to do volenteer work oftenly. They have two story house with a garden and a backyard. Nither too big nor too small.

Ben has always taught Pete about responsibility and righteousness. (With great powers comes great responsibilities.) So when Peter got his powers he decided to help people by being Spider-Man and looking out for little guy. After sometime he told Ben and May about it and they were at first hesitant but then they got over it and were proud of him and supported him.

After a year, it was getting too much at the same time... being at school, managing social media and YT channel, being Spider-Man and all.

Ben and May wanted him to have normal life so even if he was a genius and could graduate early, they still wanted him to complete high school and make friends. But let's be genuine nothing in life is gonna be normal so he told them about his plan to graduate early from both school and college. And he loved his YT and social media cause it helped him so he didn't wanted to stop that and to stop being SM is out of the picture. Ben and May understood him so they allowed him.

He took this opportunity to tell his only 2 and closest friends Ned and MJ about him being SM. He trusts them alot and they didn't disappoint him and even helped him with keeping his secret identity.

So he graduated from high school early, got full scholarship to MIT.

He was fifteen when he saw Iron Man first. He and Ned became fans but Tony was still his idol and his crush. He also started making fanarts about Iron Man on his account. He liked Dr.Banner's work too. He was only 20 when he wrote his thesis about gamma radiation and his books are awesome and he has 7 PhDs by the age of 25.

Peter earned a good amount from his YT channel and he still had money his perants left so he made one of the vacant room in the house his lab after he became SM and he makes videos in his lab after that about his inventions and experiments but ofcourse nothing regarding SM. He and Ned even made a cool SM suit with AI which they named Karen. (The one from the Homecoming) He got his AI inspiration from his Idol's AI called JARVIS. (Tony made JARVIS when he was at MIT and then used him for the company and his lab and he gave an interview about it. That's how Pete knows about it. Tony used Friday for his suits and IM releted activities after he became IM but then after AOU he used Friday for everything.)

Pete's YouTube videos are about everything and anything he loves to do since he was young. When he was young it was about his lil childish science experiments with help of Ben (ofcourse till he could it on his own) or his art or baking and cooking stuff with May and all but they all always wore the different different matching masks while making videos. When he became friends with Ned and MJ, he asked them to be there too. As he got older he started showing his genius brain cells in his experiments and invention. Same goes for his art, it started getting more and more detailed and he also got interested in composing music and songs and he eurned more followers. He even made his accounts unhackable so no one try to find out who he is after he became SM. He had so many happy moments with his family and friends while making his videos, that is why he kept his YT and accounts.

Shield doesn't know who the Spider-Man is. Pete found out about them cause he sensed someone (agents) following him during one of his patrols when he was 14. So he and Ned looked into it and his mind was blown when he found the organisation and all government behind it.

He wanted to know why they were after him cause he only helped people. So they hacked into Shield. He found out that they wanted to recruit him for something called Avangers Initiative and there he saw some other people's and superheroes' information too. (He didn't look into it because he knew that if he didn't anyone want to know his identity, they must not too and he had no right. ) But he knew it was not a good idea to join it cause then he will have to work for them do their missions and he didn't wanted to do that. He wanted to look out for little guy and help whoever, he can wherever he can. Plus he would have to reveal his identity and when they'll know he is so young, they'll try to stop him from being SM plus people close to him will get in danger. And they might even want to experiment on him so it was a big fat NO.

After that he took every cautious step to protect his identity and his aunt, uncle and his friends. He made a security system for their house and made a smart bracelet to communicate or send signal to each other if they were in danger. They all had one including himself. It looked simple and no one could tell it was actually for that.

When Newyork invasion happened, he was not there. He was at MIT for his PhD. He was so damn worried about Ben, May, Ned and MJ. The moment he heard the news he left for NY but by the time he got there the fight had been finished. So he directly went to check on May and Ben. He found them safe and was revealed. Then he called Ned and MJ to check on them and their families and found everyone was ok. After that he told May and Ben that he will go out and help people from the aftermath of the battle.

He stayed in NY for 2 weeks. In which he found out about the Avengers. He and Ned were shocked at the name and that it was the same Avengers Initiative stuff they read when they hacked into the sheild and Peter felt a pinch of guilt but it disappeared when he learnt that Avengers revealed their identities. He was in no condition to reveal his identity.

He was shocked when he learnt Avengers' identities especially Iron Man. He was like "how could I not understand that it had to be Tony.. there were all those connection like SI and no one is such a genius to make that kind of Tech except for his idol. He fell in love with Tony even more but he just thought it was some kind of superhero worship and teenage crush.

After that Ned and him being the 'nerds' as MJ calls them they are, they become fanboys and started to find out more thing about Avengers. Pete started to post more fanarts of them and he even made the reaction video of how he feels about Tony Stark being Iron Man and Bruce Banner being Hulk. Both his favourite scientists. He even made a song for Avengers. Which was total hit so he made more songs in the future.

Pete graduated from MIT even earlier than his Idol Tony Stark at the age of 16. He got his PHD in Biochemical Engineering at 17 and he wanted to get more Phds in Robotics, Nenotech Engeneering study and Astrophysics. (Which he did within next 2 years.) (Pete was 16 when NY invasion happened and 19 when Ultron happened)

And then Ultron happened, it was all over the news and all but Avangers once again saved the world. Pete was happy and revealed that there were Avengers to save them from world ending dangers but there gotta be someone down on the street too. Someone to help people from criminal and other dangers which may seem little in their or government's eye like Rhino, Doc Oct, Green Goblin, lizard, electro and many more with whom he fought. And he felt that his decision to not join Avengers Initiative was right. Though Shield was still eager to find out who he is like he will let them.

And then Homecoming happened except the part with Tony. ( But Peter doesn't go to homecoming because he graduated from high school )

As for the Ferry incident he saved everyone. He held the both part of ferry with his web and his strength ( Pete is very very strong in this fic ) till his latest Nenotech bot he invented arrived and held the ferry together and mend it. (Like Iron Man did. Just that it were bots who fixed the last part too. Where Tony flys around it and mend it.)

Peter had figured out the arc reactor technology a year and half ago but he didn't wanted any one to know cause it will attract the attention of many people and he didn't wanted that. That is also the reason he doesn't use his Nenotech suit he made. ( IW one ) But now that he has used his nenobots and his tech which was even better and cheaper, he knew for sure that it's going to fireback but he thought he'll take care of it later when he is not busy trying to capture a curtain alian tech loaded weapon selling Vulture.

Next day he had asked Karen to keep and eye over everything and at night Karen informed him about some movements at some abandoned warehouse. Then the whole warehouse dropping and plane crashing thing happened. He saved the Mr.stark's tech and averages stuff and weapons.

But now he will even have more attention but he then ask Karen to clear CCTV footage around the beach so no one knows about him leaving from the scene. He can only hope now. He'll have to lay low for now and even more careful.

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Hope you guys will like it. I have thought so much for this fic. It's going to be exciting writing this.

[aesthyuckic]

AVENOIR | l.dh - UNUS

(gif not mine - credits to rightful owner)

Genre: High School AU (at beginning) ; Tarot Reader!Witch!Hyuck

Word Count: 1.8k

Warnings: (for future chapters will bold if in use) belief contradictions, mentions of r*pe, blood, swearing, violence, mentions of abuse, slow but with a purpose

Pairings: Lee Donghyuck (Haechan) x Reader (F)

IX OF WANDS IN REVERSE - exhaustion, fatigue, reaching burnout

Lee Donghyuck, better known as Haechan Lee by everyone at Nova high school, was a popular junior that everyone loved. He was in the art program for choir and rock band. He was one of the top basketball players on the high school’s team. He was handsome and charming, who wouldn’t love him? Though his grades weren't too hot and he was on the verge of getting kicked off the basketball team for not meeting the required gpa to play sports. No one knew other than him and school staff which was a saving grace to his reputation.

Truth be told, he only joined the basketball team because he wanted to get out of physical education. He wasn't about to run ten laps a day for the rest of year. He tried to get into the dance part of the art program at school but was rejected after he audition. They preferred the girls. At most, there were two guys in each level every year. Apparently, those spots were filled already so he decided to do basketball and tennis to avoid the high school physical education class ever again. So here he sat, in front of the basketball coach in his red uniform. He wasn’t paying attention much either as he sat in the chair, uncomfortably, with his arms crossed while he looked at the gray concrete below him with a frown.

"Please just try to get Biology or Algebra up a letter grade so I can keep you on the team." The coach sighed. "It seems like you won't be able to get to college by the look of your current grades. Try to pass high school, at least."

His head snapped up with his coach’s words. He sounded like one of the counselors and Donghyuck hated that. He had speech before, many times, every year, every few months. The boy had managed to put on a sickingly sweet fake smile in that moment, “I’ll try my best.”

He exited the coach's office and went to change in the lockroom since he was excused from practice until further notice. He cussed under his breath as he looked at the grades on his phone while walking out of the locker room, frustrated. Most of his classes were as good as they could be in his standards. He failed Algebra and Biology every year which pouted at.

He slid his phone back into his jean pocket with a sigh. He felt stuck and unable to go any further. He didn't have time to do homework or even school these days. He felt so burned out at the age of seventeen but what else would a junior like him feel when he had so much to do in such a little timeframe? He knew this year was important for colleges but it seemed it had already gone down the drain. At this point, he considered dropping out next year.

The next day at lunch, he went around school asking teachers for extra credit even though he knew full well he didn’t have time to do any of it. When he went to his math class he found the door locked and saw that no one was there through the tinted windows so off he went to his biology class. Once he had step foot into the room, he was hit with freezing air. It was already cold outside with winter just around the corner. The room still always managed to be freezing though. It was also too eerily silence for the amount of people in there who were scattered around the room. He ignored that fact and apporched his teacher’s desk.

“Hey, Ms. Nelson...” His whispered, trying to keep the awkward stillness. “Is there anyway, I don’t know, that i can get my grade up in this class before the semester ends in a few weeks?”

“Well,” She started. “Haechan-“

“Donghyuck is fine.” He interrupted, knowing most of his classmates called him Haechan.

“Okay, Donghyuck, you could do test corrections with the last test... I don't have any extra credit right now so I'll let you know when I do have that. Its alsp very clear you don't understand the subject so I can help you during lunch or class but you have to avocate for yourself and communicate.”

“Oh, no that would work.” He shook his head

“And why not?”

“Whenever I get help from a teacher, I end up arguing with them. A lot of those teachers hate me now... Anyway, I rather have you not hate me.”

She sighed at his comment to suppress her chuckle, “Would you like to work with another student then?”

“Yes,” He nodded, small strands of his hair softly bouncing with his movement. “They are easier to argue with.”

She rolled her eyes at his words before she called out to someone, “Hey, Cosimia.”

Donghyuck turned around to see who his teacher was calling over. There was a girl that sat at the very back against the rough, white bricked wall. He knew her, not by her name but rather her title. She had multiple title but the ‘weird freshmen’ was the simplest to call her. She barely spoke to anyone but the teachers, when she did speak to her classmates and she apparently said things that sounded off and creepy, like she was a stalker or threatening them almost. He was never truly sure the accusations were true, they could’ve been rumors but that still didn’t stop him from bad mouthing her along with the rest of the students whenever she wasn’t around.

She typed away on her cheap, school provided, computer while she had her earbuds in. It seemed like you could hear faint indie music from them in the silent classroom. Her eyes were wide with dark eyebags that laid under them. Her long hair draped around her in soft looking waves. The color resembled that of a redwood tree’s. She finally pulled an earbud out to make sure she heard the teacher call her.

“Me?” The girl asked, he had never heard her voice despite being in the same Biology class with her since the beginning of the year.

The teacher nodded.

She was quick to get out of her chair and follow the authority figure’s wish, rather obediently he might add. It seemed like she treated it like her life depended on it. From what little information that he knew about her, it could’ve also just be her being the teacher’s pet but for some reason, he felt it was something else...

Even though he hadn’t talked to Cosimia the entire year, little things he noticed about her cane to his mind. She always finished her projects early and Ms. Nelson gave her candy for it, no matter how childish that sounds. She also always managed to get first place in the Kahoots they played occasionally as well. No doubt she was smart and the closer she got to him, the less he dreaded the thought of having to work with her.

When she came to stand beside Donghyuck, he noticed she didn’t seem happy, not fine either. She looked tired, not just physically but emotionally and the split moment he caught her eyes, he felt overwhelmed. He saw so many emotions, felt so many when he looked into her eyes. Sadness and fatigue seemed to be the most prominent he could see and feel. She wore muted colors that contrast compared to her rather colorful hair. Her clothing was too big for her body in the way that it covered up everything she had to hide underneath. He was quick to see a sickening yellow color that surrounded a deep purple in the crook of her neck from he stood. It could’ve been a hickey, which was none of his business but somehow he felt it wasn’t that.

She caught him staring at it, locking eyes with him once again for a second as she pulled her oversized gray sweatshirt up to cover it. It overwhelmed him again to look her straight in the eyes, he seemed to be able to see more each time.

“So, do you think you’ll be able to help Donghyuck with Bio?” Ms. Nelson asked.

“Probably,” Cosimia shrugged.

"She is one of the best in all my classes, she should be able to help you." The teacher turned to the boy. "You guys should talk about when you should get together and everything so I'll let you get to it."

By the time his Biology teacher stopped talking, the girl had disappeared from his side. He found her back in the corner, packing up her things. She was also quick to sling her backpack over her shoulder and flee the classroom which left him to run after her. He had no idea how to approach her, it seemed like she wanted nothing to do with him. He came to stand in front of her after he stopped chasing her.

“Are you available at lunch?” She asked, calmly and oddly enough with how she ran off.

“That’s the only time I get with my friends.” He shook his head. “What about after school? Your house?”

“I’m not allowed to have people at my house.” She moved passed him to continue down the hall.

He huffed out of fustration as he had to catch up to her again. He was so confused as to why she had to make things difficult. She wasn’t creepy, just straight up frustrating and a mystery. Then again, why was he so hell bent on her tutoring him? There’s always other people.

“Okay, my place I guess?” He suggested.

“I’m not allowed to go to other people’s houses either.” She said.

“Library?” He questioned with an annoyed expression.

“I can’t, I’m suppose to go straight home after school. All I have is what’s available during school hours which is third period with you and lunch. That’s it.”

She pushed passed him, in a hurry. He watched her continue down the hall. Her hair flowed out from behind her, when the sun hit it just right it looked like fire, tailing behind her. Judging by what she said to him, she had no place to be. Some thing was off about Cosimia and her life, the things she said, wasn’t normal. Everyone knew her by her title and not her name just for that. Donghyuck didn’t see her as weird anymore, she seemed more scared by what he saw in her eyes only minutes ago. The only thing weird, possibly dangerous about her to him was the way she living even if he didn’t know most of it...

[coolb944]

The Balance Between Selfishness and Selflessness

I'm not going to lie... This balance is a hard one for me to walk sometimes. Ok... Maybe a little more than sometimes. I grew up an only child with no brothers or sisters I had to share with, loved greatly by my parents and extended family. My parents were poor when I was born, but managed to attain upper middle class comfort by the time I went to college, which I did not pay for - they did. I certainly never would have known we were poor growing up, as nothing at the time made me feel that way. Looking back now I can see the signs... "Do you take American Express" became my pre-qualifying mantra anytime I went out to eat with my parents and my grandma, as that's the credit card my grandma had, and she took us to eat often. No American Express, we didn't eat there. At the time, however, the reason we were using my grandmother's credit card so much to eat never entered my mind. I went to private school from 3rd-12th grade. I got exactly what I wanted for Christmas almost always, as well as my birthday, and when I got my first car, my parents paid for it - a Guards Red with linen leather interior 1986 Porsche 944 automatic that was a salvage title, which I argued and pushed for on the basis of gas mileage, value because of the salvage title, relative slowness, and great safety Porsche engineered into the car (it did in fact prove its safety at one point down the road). They paid for the next several cars I had too.

So, as you can see, in so many ways, life was not bad; my childhood into adulthood was rather great by most standards. It also made the bad aspects stand out hard. I was bullied and teased a lot as a kid, by my cousins and the kids at school. My father had deep anger management issues, making him very intimidating and causing me to never feel very close to him. My mother was over protective, which ended up isolating me from many things that may have otherwise given me more courage and self-esteem, as well as a greater apprehension in the way I approached certain aspects of life. I knew I was gay by the time I hit middle school, even if I didn't know the term for it. My parents, heaping their hopes and dreams on me for me (and for themselves in ways - my mother so loves children and dreamed of holding newborn grandchildren), and being very strict about how I should present myself to the world, down to what I wore, how I talked, how I walked, pushing me to try sports, while in certain ways children need, it all placed great expectation I never felt I would ever meet. The criticism, the opinions, the comments, they were constant. When they found out I was gay, I was sent to a Catholic therapist whose goal, at base, was to convert me to being straight, or as close he could get me. I ended up living a lie for a while after that, taking on a girlfriend whose heart I broke once I moved for college. I broke up with her, knowing I would cheat if I didn't.

The bad is what ended up diminishing my self-esteem and causing intense self-doubt, and which led me to be afraid of pursuing my life the way I wanted to. This all brought depression, which was, coupled with sudden, unexpected deaths around me, especially that of my dad when I was 18, magnified for me and made me see nothing in the future but sadness, loneliness, emptiness - True Hell. I allowed the depression and all it brought to win, and it has wrought havoc in my life that I'm just starting to pick the pieces up from. Alcohol and drug abuse; incredibly risky, bountiful sex; wrecked credit and over-spending. Repeatedly. Bad. Decision. Making!

Now, in my sobriety, having broken from the behavior cycle the alcohol and drugs, especially meth, had me trapped in (daily they still sing their siren song from deep and long in my memory), I've gained enough reprieve and time to reflect on my behavior to learn how to cope with the selfish tendencies my upbringing and my life experience can often cause me to lean toward.

Yesterday, for example, my mother stayed home from work sick, and not having a car, relies on me to help her when need be with what she needs from outside the house. Mind you, after destroying what independence I'd built for myself, I'm extremely grateful she and my aunt have allowed me to come live with them. But despite this incredibly gracious act, the little things of daily life can still creep up on me.

I'd had a plan for my day, which was entirely smashed by my mom needing more assistance than usual because of her being ill. I helped her with all she requested, but I had a very difficult time shaking the feeling of losing the day and being upset about it, which came out very pointedly in my interactions with her. The feeling of loss of control of my time was made even more stinging by the fact that when I finally was able to work, I worked Uber all the way up from the South Bay to Santa Monica and back, and didn't get a single ride the entire time.

I concluded the day chalking it all up to the fact that some days are not ours, and they weren't ever going to be. That is the realization that has continued to resonate with me today. I've apologized to my mom, and I'm realizing, once again, that each day is a crap shoot, and that I need to remember to handle it all with grace and serenity. I also need to accept that if the signs are saying it isn't my day, accept that it isn't, and celebrate the positives of what has made it not my day. In that way, I make it my day again.

The fact that I have the means to be selfless, to help, to be the kind of guy people can rely on, is something to celebrate. I wasn't always that guy, and I often didn't have the means to be. Because Uber was dead, I went home and watched a funny movie and had a night off. It's really the laugh and kind of night I needed and didn't even know it. Mind you, I'm a touch panicked today because of expenses versus money I need to make, but provided I do what I need to with my time, it will all work out.

One day at a time, working consistently towards my goals, keeping my attitude where it needs to be, in the middle, balancing it all. And that's really where true happiness lies, balancing selfish and selfless. Fact is, they both will add up to happiness if one balances the two. Lean too hard to either side, and unhappiness wreaks havoc. Don't let unhappiness win... Ever!