#the third part of the PTA Sans trilogy

[stripestheboar]

Ooooh my stars can you do more PTA Sans scenes?! I absolutely adore that AU!!

Sorry this took so long. Weeks of sickness is getting to me. Not to mention making up jokes can take hours.

Anyways…. PART 3 OF THE PTA SANS COLLECTION!

ENJOY

~Undertale~

Sans: *comes in* okay, what’s going on? Frisk has been late to five doctor’s appointments because the teachers won’t let them leave until i come get them.

Helen: *motions for him to sit down* I’m afraid we just can’t trust your child to leave the class anymore. He keeps writing fake notes just to get out.

Sans: *blinks and sits down* fake notes? whoa whoa, what? that doesn’t sound like them.

Helen: *nods* Yes, he’s quite the troublemaker. Not being her father, it’s clear you don’t know him as much as you thought. He makes fake doctor’s notes, clearly written by him.

Sans: well, how do you know? I always write their notes since Tori’s teaching.

Helen: Well, for one, it’s all types up lowercase. Probably so we don’t recognize her handwriting (he doesn’t seem too bright).  

Sans:… typed?

Helen: Mmhmm. Typed up on a flimsy piece of paper. All lowercase and with bad spelling and grammar. And in Comic Sans no less! *slowly coming to realization* If he really thinks the teacher and…. I are dumb enough to let… that… pass…. *blinks*

Sans:…..  

Helen:….

Sans: *sighs* y’know, it’s pretty hard being a married working mother when you’re single, unemployed, a skeleton, and most importantly a dude, but damn it, Helen…. Frisk and i donated fifty cans to the food drive. i think we deserve some respect here.

Helen: Well I’m head of the PTA, so there really is no-

Sans: how many cans did you donate, Helen?

Helen: That doesn’t really matter-

Sans: how many, Helen?

Helen:….. *looks down* Four.

Sans: really? wow. i would’ve though you would’ve had the time to donate more with how much time you spend bitching about my kid.

~Underfell~

Sans: *hands Frisk money* here’s twenty g. vending machine is around the corner. don’t go around spending it all in one fuckin’ place. now run along, ya little shithead.

Frisk: *snatches up money and runs off*

Daniel: *walking when Frisk suddenly races past him* Hey, watch where you’re going. *sighs* Little shithead.

Sans: *suddenly next to him* uh, what the fuck did you just call my kid?

Daniel: What? You call them that all the time!

Sans: yeah, it’s okay when i say it because they know i still fucking love them. when you say it, you actually fucking mean it.

Daniel: then maybe you shouldn’t speak to your child that way.

Sans: then maybe you should mind your own fucking business or else!

Daniel: Or else what? It’s your fault you don’t love your child enough!

Sans: *stops* oh… you fucker… *chuckles evilly* i’ll show you love, asshole. *disappears*

The Next Saturday 

Daniel: *helping his young son onto his bike* Alright, Cody, today’s the day you’re going to learn to ride like all of your friends. *hands him his helmet* Now, it may be scary at first, and you may fall down a few times, but remember that I will be here to help you-

Cody: *puts on helmet* It’s okay, dad! I already know how! *rides off on his bike perfectly with a smile*

Daniel: *shocked* What? How did he-? When did he-?!

Sans: *rides by on his tricycle* ha ha asshole! i taught your kid how to ride a bike! you’re never gonna get that back! *rides off into the sunset*

~Underswap~

Sans: *finishes checking off the last name* AND DONE! THAT’S EVERYONE! *grins* GOOD WORK, EVERYBODY! THIS FUNDRAISER WILL MORE THAN HELP THE BAND GET NEW EQUIPMENT! SINCE MARIA’S CHILDREN RAISED THE MOST, THEY GET TOP PRIZES. *walks over and hands Maria a bone* HERE! A TOKEN OF MY ETERNAL GRATITUDE!

Maria: *smiles and takes it, shaking off how weird it is* Aw, thanks, Sans. I really appreciate it. Cindy had fun selling to all her friends.

Sans: WELL CINDY IS DOING AN AMAZING JOB! HERE, A BONE FOR HER AS WELL. *hands her a smaller bone* TELL HER THE PRIZES WILL BE HERE IN A WEEK.

Linda: Bones? Don’t you think that’s kind of weird?

Sans: *tilts head* I’M JUST SHOWING MY GRATITUDE. DO HUMANS NOT LIKE THAT?

Linda: It’s just kinda weird with all the bones. What’s with you monsters and your obsessions with bones? Or is that just a skeleton thing?

Sans: *thinks hard* I’M ACTUALLY NOT SURE, LINDA! I’VE ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WAS WEIRD THAT YOU HUMANS LIKE TO GET MARRIED THREE TIMES AND PULL THEIR CHILD INTO THEIR DIVORCE BATTLES THUS DRASTICALLY AFFECTING THEIR SCHOOL WORK AND MOTIVATION TO DO THE ACTIVITIES THEY LOVE SUCH AS BAND. OR IS THAT JUST A LINDA THING?

~Swapfell~

Sans: AS HEAD BOOSTER MOM-

Gloria: *aside to her friend* As you’ve proclaimed fifty times this meeting.

Sans: - I AM THOROUGHLY SATISFIED BY THE RATE AT WHICH WE WERE ABLE TO HELP FUND ADEQUATE  EQUIPMENT FOR OUR CHILDREN. NOW THAT ALL OF THIS HAS BEEN SETTLED, LET US DISCUSS SETTING UP THE STAGE ON THURSDAY TO GET READY FOR THE SHOW. I ASSUME IT MAY TAKE US A GOOD SIX HOURS TO GET IT READY.

Gloria: Wait- what?

Sans: WE NEED TO SET THE STAGE FOR OUR CHILDREN. WE MUST MAKE IT PERFECT; OUR CHILDREN SHALL ACCEPT NOTHING LESS.

Gloria: Six hours of setting up? Look, I don’t have time for that.

Sans: IT WILL BE IN THE AFTERNOON. YOU CAN’T SPARE YOUR TIME FOR AN HOUR?

Gloria: I still can’t make it. I have a busy schedule. Can’t we use some of the money from the fundraiser to hire a few people to do that.

Sans: THAT MONEY IS FOR THE EQUIPMENT! FINE. I SHALL TAKE YOUR CHILD TO THE PERFORMANCE AS WELL.

Gloria: E-excuse me?!  

Sans: IF YOUR SCHEDULE IS SO BUSY TO WHERE YOU CAN’T MAKE IT EVEN FOR AN HOUR, YOU WILL SUEELY BE TOO EXHAUSTED TO TAKE YOUR CHILD TO THE PERFORMANCE THE NEXT MORNING. DO NOT DESPAIR. MY MUTT CAN EASILY TRANSPORT YOUR CHILD.

Gloria: You are not touching my son. Look, my schedule is packed tight and there’s nothing I can do about it.  

San: GLORIA, YOU’RE A STAY-AT-HOME MOTHER RAISING ONE CHILD. I COULD GET CANCER AND DIE OF IT IN THE AMOUNT OF TIME YOU SPEND WATCHING “THE REAL HOUSEWIVES” IN A SINGLE DAY. IF YOU CAN’T SPARE A SINGLE HOUR, WHY ARE YOU IN THE PTA AND BOOSTER CLUB TO BEGIN WITH?

~Horrortale~

Sans: *sits down in front of the desk* so what’s the deal, Suzanne?  

Suzanne: *folds her hands* I’m afraid it’s about Aliza.  

Sans: what’d she do this time?

Suzanne: *pulls out a hand-drawn picture of King Asgore getting stabbed by a little kid* The teacher showed me this. Aliza drew it in her spare time; she’s starting to really scare the other children.

Sans: *looks at it and laughs* ha, that’s just Asgore, the former king, being slain by a human who condemned us to rot in the Underground and starve to death.

Suzanne: Why would she draw such a thing?!

Sans: the kid’s growin’ up. soon she’ll be old enough to follow the last one’s footsteps and slay the Undyne. i think it’s kinda her dream at this point. little rascal. kids, amaraite?

Suzanne: You-you actually encourage your child this to do this?!

Sans: hey hey, calm down. don’t worry, Tori and i have already sat her down and had the talk with her.

Sans: college comes first.

~Altertale~

Lillian: Oh, hey, Sans. How’s Kate doing in class?

Sans: *smiles* she’s doing very well. however, i have a few… concerns.

Lillian: *sits down* Concerns? What’s wrong? Is she misbehaving?

Sans: well… somewhat. she’s been spreading around very foul language as of late. swear words and the like. do you know where she could be hearing these words?

Lillian: Oh dear! I have no idea where she could have picked this language up. I’ll give her a grounding when she gets home. How bad is it?

Sans: she’s been saying these words every chance she gets. *turns around* Katie? can you come in, dear?

Kate: *pokes her head in and giggles* Fuck!

Lillian: Hey! Watch your fucking mouth!

Sans: *silent*…..

Lillian: What?

Sans: Lillian do you even have ears?

~Underlust~

Karen: Did I hear right? You’re signing up to be the Sexual Education teacher.

Sans: you heard right, babe. i thought that if it should be anyone, it should be someone with tons of experience and a scientific background.

Karen: That’s….. extremely problematic.

Sans: i kinda get where you’re coming from; you don’t want someone like me teaching your children. trust me, they’re in no better hands than mine.

Karen: Says the one with dozens of past sex partners and only one boyfriend.

Sans: says the one with three marriages and four children and yet somehow clearly not getting enough sex in her life.

Karen:……

Sans: and pfft. “dozens?” you underestimate me. smh, boo, smh.  

~Echotale~

Martha: My child just had a cold, is all.

G: no, he has the flu. he needs to stay home. i thought i told you to get him vaccinated.

Martha: Oh what do you know?

G: *hands her his PhD*

Martha: *tears it up*  

G: *pulls out another* i know what i’m talking about, Martha.

Martha: Wha- *tears that up as well*

G: *pulls another PhD out* i’ve won this game before, and i’ll win it again.

Martha: *snatches it up and crumples it* How do you have so many?!

G: i made sure to print, like, fifty before i got here. *pulls out two more*

Martha: *smacks them away* You’re insane!

G: *pulls out four more* you can’t fight the inevitable, Martha.

Martha: *backs away* What are you doing?!

G: *pulls out thirty more* *PhDs are all she can see* i’m gonna vaccinate the fuck out of your kids Martha, and they will live a healthy life.

~Outertale~

Anna: -and that’s why I believe every child should be given gluten-free lunches. This is what we should be spending our funds on, not a play about peace between humans and space monsters. It has good intent, yes, but these lunches are far more important!

Sans: *has been silent this whole ten minute period*

Anna: Sans? Are you even listening to me?

Sans: of course.

Anna: Your thoughts?

Sans: just missing the sounds of the cold vacuum of space. that’s all.

~Reapertale~

Elizabeth: *lying in bed, asleep* *eyes shoot open when she hears a creak*

Sans: *slowly rises from the ground and out of the darkness* greetings human mortal. my faithful messenger, Frisk, has told me of your ways. what is it you desire, human mortal?

Elizabeth: *eyes wide, shaking and sweating in fear* M-more coin f-for the schoolhouse? A-and a new writing slate?

Sans: very well. the contract has been sealed. you have five.

Elizabeth: F-five? Five what?!

Sans: no… make it four. *slowly sinks back into the darkness* *appears next to Frisk* this is probably the best thing i’ve done in centuries. alright, who’s next on the list?

~Dancetale~

Beatrice: *grabbing some brownies from the food table* *turns around and shrieks in surprise and drops her paper plate*

Sans: *breakdancing right in front of her*

Beatrice: *sternly* Sans, for the last time, I’m not changing my mind. We’re not wasting our funds on a dance club when they’ll never use it as a future skill.

Sans: *continues breakdancing*

Beatrice: Sans, you can’t keep doing this every time I refuse-

Sans: *breakdancing harder*

Beatrice: S-Sans, I-

Sans: *breakdancing intensifies*

Beatrice: S-stay away from my family-!

Sans: *just breakdancing* *only breakdancing*

~Aftertale~  

Frisk: *made a science project featuring Geno and Sans, and how their existence proved the theory of multiple timelines*

Geno: *hops off the table once the science fair ends, pulling sticky notes off of himself*

Sans: *doing the same* first place, kiddo. we’re proud of ya.

Frisk: *smiles proudly*

Helen: *approaches and crosses her arms* Well it’s quite and achievement for an idea so absurd.

Geno: *pulls the last sticky note off of him* Excuse me?

Helen: *turns her head* I just believe Frisk is too much of an… overachiever. We already know he’s saved the world. Why should he rub it in everyone’s faces when he clearly has an advantage over everyone else.

Geno:… lady, i stand here as living proof of the existence of both multiple timelines and universes. i spent countless lifetimes within the Void in endless loneliness and agony, only to be released by this special kid right here. they deserve every award they get, especially when second place was an airplane model built by you, not your kid.

Helen: *cheeks turn red* What?! These are just harmful accusations!

Geno: Helen, i’m a firm believer that people truly can change, but we saw you double dip with Maria’s salsa at the meeting. we know you’re that kind of person.

~Machinatale~

Sans: *looks through the plans* Wait… we’re getting rid of the computer lab? Why?

Sharon: *looks over* Hmm? Oh, that’s just a request for now. We need it approved by the administrators. Children need to tear their eyes away from a screen and hold something real.

Sans: How else are they going to get all the information they need? They’re too young to earn smartphones.

Sharon: The library, of course.

Sans: Okay, yeah, but kids are only allowed to check out two books at a time. Why should they spend so much time trying to find a book with the information they need when the world’s database is at their fingertips?  

Sharon: *sighs* They don’t need a screen to figure things out. They spend too much time on the internet.

Sans: They need computers to do the proper research from multiple sources, as well as print out papers. Research could be conducted within minutes, not hours.

Sharon: She can do that at the library. *scoffs* Of course you would be all over technology. You’re a robot. What makes you think you’re smarter than a loving parent?

Sans: Sharon, I have more processing power than modern day’s best calculators, and yet, somehow your bullshit still isn’t adding up.