#the thing that sucks most about my breakup is the loss of intimacy and kindness

[blessthishouse]

.

[shivunin]

🎇20 Questions for Fic Writers🎇

Thanks for the tag @greypetrel my dear!

1. how many works do you have on ao3? 35

2. what’s your total ao3 word count? 641,898

3. what fandoms do you write for? So far? Dragon Age (all three games), but I have unfinished Mass Effect and BG3 things as well c:

4. what are your top five fics by kudos?

-Your Fate for Mine (A "what if the Inquisitor was left behind in the Fade?" AU | Cullavellan | 129,681 words)

-Unyielding/Inexorable (Cullen throws hands with a member of the nobility at the Winter Palace; the follow-up is about a duel to settle things | Cullavellan | 3,083 and 8,055 words respectively)

-More than Memory (Smut about cultural differences and expressing one's needs | Cullavellan | 5,214 words)

-Search Your Hands (An exploration of the Dalish courting gift tradition with some mild smutty elements | Cullavellan | 13,581 words) (it doesn't have the most kudos, but this is by a significant margin my most-liked fic with respect to the views: kudos: bookmarks ratio)

-Wander the Drifting Roads (A "Cullen is infected with red lyrium" AU, but the focus is on how memory forms who we are and why the loss of it changes everything | Cullavellan | 108,331 words)

5. do you respond to comments? Yes, excepting the rare occasions that they are just emojis because (though I appreciate them!!) I never know what to say dsfahkjsfhk. The more I cherish a comment, the longer it takes me to answer (because I am hugging them to my chest and sobbing)

6. what’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? Hmmm Palimpsest, I think, because it ends with Fenris just after the Act 2 breakup and things are somewhat bleak. I am definitely more a happy endings kind of gal. Or a "if it's not fixed, it's not the end" sort, maybe.

7. what’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Pour Forth (the Fenris not crying fic) I think? To the Bone (Cullavellan soulmate AU) is right up there, I think.

8. do you get hate on fics? I've had a couple of snarky comments about my writing style, but people have generally been very sweet.

9. do you write smut? if so, what kind? Lol. Yes. I find it harder to write smut for some pairings than others, but I really enjoy writing smut. I think smut can be a very incisive window into a pairing's dynamic and feelings about intimacy. What's more, I think I'm decent at writing it haha

10. do you write crossovers? what’s the craziest one you’ve written? Not really! I don't see myself doing so, either. Just not my cup of tea.

11. have you ever had a fic stolen? Not that I know of.

12. have you ever had a fic translated? I have not

13. have you ever co-written a fic before? No, but I have rp'd one of my Dragon Age OC's in a narrative context (which is sort of similar, I think)

14. what’s your all-time favorite ship? October/Tybalt. I will never write fic for the October Daye series, but I would die for them. Their whole battle couple (opposites attract, damaged people finding vulnerability and love, aggrieved rogue chases Hero around) dynamic has got me twirling my hair, kicking my feet, etc.

But of course, all of the DA ships I write for are a very close second place. Just all jammed uncomfortably in the doorway at once, Fenris's gauntlets poking poor Emma in the arm and Cullen's breastplate caught between Wen and the doorway, etc.

15. what’s a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will? The Red Crossing Arrangement, my "what if the elves never lost Halamshiral" arranged marriage AU. The concept is so unimaginably cool, but there is a level of worldbuilding required to make it work that eventually sucked all the fun out of the project for me. Ideally...someday, I'll pick it back up again because I love the concept.

16. what are your writing strengths? This is always such a hard question to answer. It's going to sound vague, but I think one of my greatest skills is voice. I am pretty good at matching character and narrative voice to canon. I also think conveying emotions in a visceral way? I hope so, anyway c:

17. what are your writing weaknesses? Scenery. By like a very very big margin. Every first draft has almost no description of scenery in it, so I have a huge amount of respect for writers who are skilled at that. It's definitely my biggest challenge (I fall into the same trap when I'm DM'ing too T.T)

18. thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? Ehhhh mixed. I wouldn't want to screw up someone else's actual language, so I'd only want to do it if I knew someone who could proof it for me or if I knew the language myself. I only know Latin (rusty) and Spanish (intermediate) besides English, so I'll likely stick to what I know. I have written very brief dialogue in both Spanish and Latin for fics, though. More as a way of evoking the culture of the person speaking than for any other reason.

19. first fandom you wrote for? hahaha. well. Code Lyoko when I was 13. And then not at all again until I was 28.

20. favorite fic you’ve ever written? :C I have to choose one?? Aside from any of the ones mentioned above, Breath of Life (Zev almost dies in the fight against Taliesen, because it's one of my favorite tropes) or A Golden Bell Hung in my Heart (because it's DA flavored with The Last Unicorn and I wrote it for a dear friend; what's not to love?) or As Two Reflected Stars (because it's quintessential hurt/comfort wound-tending and I adore that most of all)

Tagging back (no pressure, feel free not to do this): @star--nymph @zenstrike @jtownnn @idolsgf @dreadfutures @scribbledquillz @ndostairlyrium @vakarians-babe @nightwardenminthara @heniareth @transprincecaspian and anyone else I usually tag but am forgetting somehow---you're supposed to be here, I swear, but tonight my brain is tapioca pudding.

[getthebutters]

Your breakup is a good thing

Here we are, right before Valentine’s Day. So, it’s likely you are or are about to find yourself single. But hear me out, that’s a good thing.

It’s a general rule that breakups suck and one right before Valentine’s or some other event sucks so much more, supposedly. But let’s think about this a little more factually, said the autistic.  

The Cold CALCULATIONS of Breakups

Back in 2011, Facebook released a chart showing the most common times that people change their relationship status to single. The most common time is the two weeks before Christmas. Then there’s April Fool’s Day, which is rude but funny at the same time. Then there’s the weeks leading up to spring break and summer break, so people can be free to do what they want. But the fourth most common time for a breakup is – drum roll, please – the two weeks before Valentine’s Day.

So, when you think about it, most breakups are tied to another big event. It’s the most common breakup experience. In fact, it kinda seems like people just generally choose a convenient time for them VS any thoughtfulness on softening the blow for their partner. Despite the cold factuality of this, I think it’s a kind gesture for both parties.

Too many relationships end after they’ve become resentful and toxic. I personally believe you should leave just because it’s unfulfilling or annoying, even if I’m the one being left. Relationships are too important and take up too much brain space to just let things fester.

Why we linger

Originally, when tackling these topics, I’d say that you should wait. I was concerned about doing the “right” thing in a cosmic sense. Now, I realize:

·         I was avoiding inevitable guilt as the person most likely to do the severing.

·         I was avoiding my fear of abandonment in either case.

·         I was avoiding the loss of intimacy.

·         I was avoiding the effort and vulnerability of finding someone new.

·         I was avoiding public and private embarrassment for making a “bad” dating decision.

Notice, I wasn’t holding on for hope or love, just fear. I’m not special, in this way. This sort of thinking is why so many relationships trail on until they explode. Instead, they should just end, regardless of the date. I guarantee that one more night of indentured romance is unlikely to reignite the damp log that used to burn bright and warm your relationship. But it is likely that you’ll trick yourself into letting things hobble along.

WHY WE SHOULDN’T

If someone wants to leave me, I’d rather not collect more experiences to look back on and wonder how I missed the signs of love leaving. I’d rather be thankful to the person brave enough to save us from our shared misery than villainizing someone I once cared for.

If I’m the one ready to leave, I’d rather make a prideworthy decision than interrogate my intuition and gaslight myself. I’d also rather spend Valentine’s alone, loving myself than feeling tense, distant, or confused. I can’t avoid the feelings of guilt, loss and shame forever. Plus, I’d be miserable in the meantime connected to someone I don’t like anymore.

IT’s A MATTER OF KINDNESS

Our understanding of kindness and cruelty is often skewed to keep things as they are VS assessing the weight of our inaction. I feel like this is just cowardice disguised. Kinda like not telling a friend their outfit is ugly, their fly is down, or their breath is bad. Or more correctly, it’s like leaving a deer you hit with your car to bleed out slowly and painfully in the middle of the road.

In all these situations, the kindest thing to do is show care and concern for the well-being of others. You should always help your friends look better, smell better, and keep their desired private parts private. In the case of your struggling relationship, treat it like a deer you hit. Put it out of its misery. Hell, for all you know, they could also be begging for death.

If you are reading this newly single, that didn’t magically ease your sense of grief. But that’s not what I’m here for, I’m shit at soothing people. But I’m surprisingly good at offering a unique perspective that’s directly opposed to melodrama. Hopefully, I did help you break the cloud of grief and sorrow a little.

[saxxxology]

A Different Kind of Therapy - FIN

When the strains of life, broken relationships, an angry boss, and other stresses get a bit too much to bear, you seek a very particular kind of treatment. 

PAIRING: Sexual Therapist!Sam x Reader WARNINGS: mentions of a breakup, stress/anxiety, sexual therapy, smut, slow burn

This work is 18+ only. Do not save or repost my work without my consent.

Get Sam’s scent

Series masterlist

Become a Patron for just $3

Weeks turn into four months. You go back to Sam every Saturday, and with each passing session you grow more confident baring yourself to him. 

Dating, on the other hand, still fails. You go on two separate dates, one to a bar, the other to an upscale diner in Downtown. Both potential partners are physically attractive, but they lack… attention. They’re more eager to boast about their own lives and accomplishments than they are to listen to yours. When you mention your therapy to the wannabe-DJ who takes you to the bar he works at, he makes an excuse to go to the bathroom and never comes back.

You bring this up to Sam at one session, and he encourages you that the right man is out there. It’ll just take a bit longer to find him. It hurts, though, encouraging you to seek out another man when he himself is so open and willing to take that place in your life.

Like Ruby had said, his first rule is to not get involved with clients, but there’s something about you… he can’t get you out of his damn head and his sense memory is too good to erase the feeling of your pussy wrapped around his fingers or the hard slide of your clit under his thumb. You get to him in the deepest possible way and he can’t take it anymore.

***

Ruby’s out sick for a day, leaving Sam’s left to manage his office on his own. It’s been a rough day. He’s seen six clients, four regulars, a potential newbie, and a referral from St. John’s suffering from postpartum sexual dysfunction. You’re his last client, and while he should feel elated at the prospect of ending his day on a good note, he’s never felt this anxious before.

Telling you how he feels could risk his reputation. But he’s not made to keep secrets like this.

You pull up right at your usual time, and he welcomes you into his private room with his usual questions.

“How are you?” 

“Good.”

“How was your week?”

“Easier. Boss was on a work trip so I didn’t have to deal with him yelling.” 

Sam closes the door behind you, watching as you take in the strangely empty space. You’re used to the massage table, dim lights, and aroma of sandalwood and orange blossoms. Instad, his office looks normal; desk, chair, couch. That’s all.

As if he can read your mind, Sam covers your question with a practiced answer.

“I want to talk to you about something,” he says, inviting you to sit on the couch as he pulls his chair up. “It’s… it’s very important that I voice it, because I want to keep the environment we’ve created as professional as possible.”

“Oh.” You press your knees together, bracing for what he has to say.

“I’ve been wanting to get to know you on a non-professional level,” Sam explains cautiously, “I understand that we’ve signed an agreement to keep you intimacy therapy mainly professional, but lately I’ve been having a difficult time not… I’ve been wanting to go further with you, but I respect our professional relationship enough to hold back. I just want you to know so that you can make choices about your future appointments here.”

You can’t believe your ears. Sam wants you. He wants you. “I—” you swallow thickly, “I don’t know what to say. How long have you wanted this?”

Sam inhales sharply. “Weeks.”

“I didn’t know,” you reply. “I thought… I’m just not your only client, and I thought you might’ve had someone out of work.”

Sam shakes his head. “I don’t. If you don’t want to continue here, I completely understand,” Sam says, “I care about you, deeply, and the last thing I want is for you to be uncomfortable.”

You shift in your seat. “I-I mean, you’re attractive, I can’t deny that… and I think that’s why my dates haven’t been working out. Other men can’t give me what you can and I know it.”

Sam’s chest warms with pride. He’s just as deep in you as you are in him. 

You continue slowly, hands clasped. Your eyes can barely stay fixed on his for longer than a few seconds. “I haven’t been able to think of anyone else but you when I… touch myself.”

His cock gives an interested twitch.

“If we were to go farther…” you chew on your lower lip, eyes on your bare knees, “I… I wanna make sure that I’m clear on something.”

“I can’t stop my work,” Sam quickly provides, “that’s the one thing I can’t do.”

“I wouldn’t want that.” You shake your head. “I’m not like that, I don’t make people give up what they want to do. I just… it’s been a long time since I was close with someone. I don’t want it to be just sex.”

“I can give you more,” Sam blurts out. He’s desperate now. He’s got his chance and he can’t waste it. “I’ll give you anything.”

Your cheeks flush. “I want commitment. I don’t care how many women you treat in a day, but I would want a promise that I’m the one that you think about before you go to bed.”

It’s a simple request he’s been fulfilling already for the last several weeks. “I can do that.” He swallows, hungrily eyeing the outline of your bra through your tee shirt. “Y/N, I—”

He’s caught off guard when you close the gap between you and kiss him. Your lips are a little warmer than he expected, and he can taste something sweet-n-sour… candy? He shakes the thought off, deepening the kiss as his hands slide up your thighs. His fingers press into soft flesh, and he leans closer, urging you to lie down on the couch. 

You don’t stop him as he begins to tug at your clothes. He works your skirt and panties down your legs while you pull your shirt over your head. The second you’re bare and spread open for him, he leans down, sucking a nipple between his lips. He’s been dying to get his mouth on your tits… 

“Oh,” you breathe softly, fingers tangling in his hair as he begins to move south, lips soft, longe wet, teeth sharp on your skin. “Sam…”

He answers with a low hum as he strips his button-up over his shoulders. His pants go next, and you’re surprised to see that he’s gone commando. His cock is long and thick in his hand, and you can’t deny that a little quiver of fear makes its way through your stomach. 

“Don’t worry,” he murmurs, shifting to lie with his cheek grazing one of your inner thighs. “I know what I’m doing.”

Before you can reply, his tongue slides though your folds. His lips circle your clit, and you arch up, fingers winding in his hair. How long has he been wanting to do this for?

Two fingers slide in, a welcoming heat deep in your core as his tongue continues to pleasure the most sensitive part of you. A little squeak leaves your throat, and Sam has to sling a forearm over your hips to keep you from squirming away as he adds a third finger, stretching you open for him.

“Oh, fuck.” Your palm hits the arm of the couch over your head. “Sam… Sam, I’m gonna…”

He teases you right to the edge and pulls away, watching you writhe in protest at the loss of stimulation. When you attempt to touch yourself, his fingers lock around your wrist, pulling your hand away. “I wanna feel you cumming on me this first time,” he murmurs, kissing you deep and allowing you to suck your flavor off his lower lip. He leaves you briefly to grab a condom from the front pocket of his bag, and when he’s suited up he wedges himself between your legs, rubbing his cock against your opening. 

“Look at me,” he says, “look at me, baby.”

Your eyes meet his, and he fights the urge to kiss you as he rolls his hips, guiding his cock into your body. The sound you make is breathtaking, a high pitched cry that rises up and cracks off in your throat. He’s so thick and deep inside you, it’s like nothing you’ve ever felt before. You give a short squeeze, barely able to keep yourself under control, and Sam groans, muffling the sound with a wet, messy kiss.

You clench tighter when Sam begins to move, pressing his knees into the soft couch cushions for leverage. When your hands skim down his sides, he spreads his stance a little more, changing the angle of his hips. His cock hits your sweet spot, and you stiffen, thighs trembling as your legs lock around his waist.

Neither one of you can find the strength to speak. You sink down into the cushions and hold on as Sam fills you over and over again, skin slick and sweaty, muscles bunching as he surges forward. He uses his entire body to fuck you, so much so that you have a difficult time finding something to completely focus on. 

When he gets his hand down between your legs, however, it’s quite easy to lose focus on everything else but that. 

Sam grunts loudly when your nails scrape over his shoulders, and he shoves his face into the crook of your neck, panting heavily as his movements become sharper and more precise. He already knows what feels best for you when he’s using his hands, but now he has a wider range of tools to use. 

Long, deep thrusts make you shudder and pulse. Quick swirls of his fingers on your clit have always done the trick, but when he ceases the movement and just presses down, delivering a constant pressure on the most sensitive part of your body… Jesus Christ…

He makes you cum like that, building up the pressure until you’re shaking and arching, head thrown back in a silent cry. Your fingers dig into his ass, holding him still and deep inside you, and he quickens his fingers, holding his breath as you squeeze and clench and writhe on his dick like you’re having the time of your life. 

He waits for you to go limp, breath high and ragged in your throat before he starts to move again. He’s close, and when you whimper, he barely stammers out a “close, baby” before his orgasm swells up and he cums inside you. You feel the hard throbbing inside you, the heat of his seed through the condom, the weight of him on top of you, hips wedged firm between your legs…

Sam raises his head when you rock up, testing the aftershocks. With one arm curled under your neck, he presses a chaste kiss to your parted lips. 

“My legs hurt,” you whisper, trying to mask your delirious giggle. “I’ll have bruises.”

Sam chuckles and kisses you again. “I’ll kiss ‘em better.”

You moan when he pulls out, and you gingerly close your legs as he goes to clean himself up in the bathroom. When he comes back, you’re still lying where he left you, and he drapes himself back over your limp body, kissing down the column of your throat. 

“How do you feel?” he asks.

You smile, eyes still closed. “Are you asking as my therapist or the man who just fucked me?”

“I wouldn’t call it fucking,” Sam replies, “but I’m asking as both.”

“Mm.” You wrap your arms around his shoulders as he nuzzles your jaw. “Better than ever.” 

He settles over you, breathing deep into the crook of your neck. When his watch ticks to the next hour, he sits up, pulling away with a soft grunt. You close your legs and follow as he begins to dress.

“So, what does this mean?” You fix your skirt around your waist. “We can’t just continue as normal.”

Sam pushes buttons through their holes, straightening his collar with a sharp tug. “I know.”

“Do you regret it?”

His brow furrows. “Why would I? I’ve been wanting for a long time.”

“But… now you've had it.” You swallow, folding your arms. “What is this gonna become?”

Sam tucks his shirt into his waistband and leans against the desk. “How about I take you to dinner and we talk about it.”

Your cheeks flush at the promise of spending more time with him, and when he reaches out for you, there’s no hesitation in letting him pull you close. “I’d like that very much.”

Likes don’t spread my work! Reblog and leave a comment or send me an ask :)

This series was available on Patreon for $3. If you want to read the whole thing, head on over and subscribe!

TAGS: @atc74​ @crashdevlin​ @daisymoder72​ @emoryhemsworth​ @ellen-reincarnated1967​ @fangirl-and-medstudent-help​ @fangirlxwritesx67​ @fandom-princess-forevermore​ @foxyjwls007​ @heartsaved​ @kittenofdoomage​ @karouwinchester​ @kickingitwithkirk​ @kyjey​ @lovelyrocker​ @lunarsaturn88​ @leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid​ @mariekoukie6661​ @meganwinchester1999​ @misalovesherdog​ @marvelfansworld​ @mrswhozeewhatsis​ @neii3n​ @polyamorous-winchester​ @percussiongirl2017​ @plaidalecking​ @squirrel-moose-winchester​ @sea040561​ @sister-winchesters99​ @sammys-dimpless​ @sammysnaughtygirl​ @spnwoman​ @swinchester27​ @serpentbaby​ @thecleverdame​ @tumbler-tidbits​ @thelittleredwhocould​ @viinchester​ @winecatsandpizza​ @zombiewerewolfqueen​ @85natalie​ @4won​

[iloveyouevenstill]

Oscar Wilde once said hearts are made to be broken - but that poetic insight doesn’t help ease the pain of another universal truth: Breakups really, really suck.

The pain of calling it quits (or having it called for you) with someone whom you’ve invested time and emotions in - someone whom you’ve planed a future with, even if it’s just trying that new Mexican restaurant next weekend - is enough to make even the Tin Man’s absent heart ache.

The worst part about having that intimacy ripped away is the question that lingers: What the hell am I supposed to do now? After a breakup you have three choices, says relationship and breakup expert Susan. J. Elliot, author of Getting Back Out There: Successful Dating and Finding Real Love After the Big Breakup.

1. Spend time and energy focusing on your ex, trying to win them back (and possibly succeeding). 2. Go on as if nothing happened, perhaps falling into the first relationship that comes along. 3. Take your time and heal properly, look at what’s happened, learn from it, and find ways to build a new and healthy life.

Not surprisingly, all of our experts are in favor of the last option. (Wait, no option to cry yourself to sleep over rom coms while eating your feelings?)

Your Silver Lining Playbook

 “Breakups are a catch-22: It sucks to have your heart broken, but at the same time, it’s quite possibly the best thing to ever happen to you,” says relationshup coach Donna Barnes, author of Giving Up Junk-Food Relationships: Recipes for Healthy Choices.

It’s make you a better human being, for one, as people who have been heartbroken tend to have more compassion, she says. And it’ll strengthen your friendships - nothing cures loneliness like midweek happy hours and girls’ nights in (or guys’ night out). Plus, heartbreak survivors recognize how valuable a good relationship is - whether romantic or platonic - and will know what’s worth fighting for in the future, Barnes adds.

The end of a relationship is also one of the best jump-starts for lackluster motivation. With extra time on your hands and the newfound need to create your own happiness, you can finally take that French cooking course you’ve always wanted to try or hit up kickboxing (and work out some aggression) three times a week.

And if you leverage the pain correctly, the brightest light at the end of the turmoil tunnel is this: Not only do you come out a stronger, healthier, better version of yourself, but also your future relationships are only looking up from here.

No Pain, No Gain

First, though, we have to understand why a little love loss hurts to damn much. For starters, don’t trivialize the trauma. One study found that when people hooked up to brain scans looked at photos of their ex, the parts of the brain scans looked at photos of their ex, the parts of the brain associated with physical pain lit up - meaning you feel the ache of heartbreak much the same way you’d feel stubbing your toe or burning your hand.

Researchers also found that woman experience more pain than men after a breakup. Why? Ladies are evolutionary wired to invest in whomever they get involved with, since a one-night stand could lead to nine months of pregnancy, followed by an actual child. Whom the canoodle with potentially affects their future, so they become more attached to the one who makes it through the selection process. They’re therefore mourning both the loss of that person and potential future, whether consciously or not. (The upside, researchers also mention, is that women heal faster than guys.)

Same goes for lesbian relationships, research suggests.In fact, breakups between women may be even more painful, as women experience a stronger effect of the “bonding hormone,” oxyoctin, than men. So a tight bond between two similarly wired women can only break with great distress.

“Parts of that post-breakup distress is actually your reaction to losing your identity.”

But there’s more. Yes, you miss that person - their bad jokes, their Sunday snuggles, their annoying-yet-enduring quirks. But part of that post-breakup distress is actually your reaction to losing your identity, research from Northwestern University says. When you are in a relationship, your sense of self becomes intertwined with your partner’s. And researchers found that after a breakup, people felt their selves were subjectively less clear and subjectively smaller compared to when they had been part of a pair.

But not all identity molding is bad. “Sometimes, being in a couple can create ‘self-expansion,’ when you take on new positive qualities due to being in the relationship, such as picking up a new hobby,” explains social psychologist Gwendolyn Seidman, Ph.D, associate professor of Psychology at Albright College in Pennsylvania. Being in a relationship can also cause “self-pruning,” or the elimination of your negative traits, like kicking a smoking habit. These two adjustments generally have a positive impact on your relationship and well-being, she adds.

The bad news comes when you get to self-contraction - losing the positive traits you once had - and self-adulteration - gaining negative traits.

So cut yourself a break post breakup: You’re not only missing your partner, but you’re also partially mourning the loss of this reliable, enjoyable, and secure identity you’ve created.

Happiness wasn’t build in a day.

While it’s beyond nerve-racking to suddenly be flying solo, what follows has the wonderfully optimistic title in psychology of “self-restructuring.” After all, most people have to hit rock bottom before they are motivated to change anything about themselves - if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right?

“A breakup can be a gift if you use it to become a better version of yourself.”

“A breakup can be a gift if you use it to become a better version of yourself,” Barnes says. “The primary question people have after a breakup is, ‘Why doesn’t he/she want me anymore?’” But instead of wallowing in that dark hole, restructure your outlook to make asking the question helpful, Barnes suggests: What didn’t you like about yourself in the relationship? What values did you compromise on (like ditching your friends for an impromptu date night or skipping the gym to snuggle longer)? What were your biggest fights about and how did you handle them (did you shut down and avoid confrontation?)?

What’s more: Too often people play out their dependency needs with their partner (and their partner does the same with them), and this causes problems in the relationship, explains Deborah P. Hecker, Ph,D,, psychotherapist and relationship expert, author of Who Am I Without My Partner?: Post-Divorce Healing and Rediscovering You Self. “When one is flying solo, it is the perfect time to turn inward and to fill in the gaps.” (And don’t forget the many other benefits of living la vida single too.)

Completing thoughts like “I get angry when...” “I feel strongest when...” “When I’m alone, I feel...” can help too, Hecker says. “This shouldn’t be a way to negatively judge yourself, but rather a way to see yourself objectively in order to grow.”

A study found that this kind of reflection helps you process what has happened and helps you heal by strengthening your sense of self as a singleton. Go it alone, grab a friend, or if you want an un-sugarcoated perspective, consider a professional therapist or counselor, who can give you deeper insights and potentially speed up healing time.

Choosing Yourself

The next - and uber important - step is to substitute healthy behaviors for the old patterns, Hecker advises. If you always listened to your S.O.’s take on movies to politics, for example, discuss your own thoughts with a friend or family member.

“The best chance of finding a healthy and forever love is to have a wonderful life full of interests, hobbies, good friends, and social circles,” says Elliot. Translator: It’s time to pick up your dusty yoga mat, find a volunteer group, to start connecting with like-minded people.

  “Before you can have that perfect romance, you have to be the best version of yourself.”

Creating a vibrant life for yourself - partner or no partner - should be priority #1 post breakup. “The need to bond is in our DNA and an integral part of the human condition, but it’s equally true that a relationship can only be as god as the people in it,” Hecker explains. That means before you can have that perfect romance, you have to be the best version of yourself.

The growth that comes from heartbreak will also help your future relationship be more successful. “Most people don’t know what they don’t want in a relationship until they’ve experienced it, so breakups help them make better choices about the next relationship because the know to avoid the personality characteristics that didn’t work,” Barnes says.

Bonus: This growth will probably help you stop pining for your ex, since you aren’t looking for the same thing in a partner as you were before (or it can be the catalyst in knowing you really should get back together). 

The Takeaway

We know that it’s nearly impossible to trust there’s happiness ahead when you’re six tissue boxes deep into the heartache. But remember there’s light at the end of the tunnel: Research finds that the sooner you can redefine your sense of self, the sooner you will get over a breakup.

All any of us wants is to be happy. For some, this requires the perfect person to be our other half, and for others, it means completing the equation yourself. Either way, to find the right person, you need to be the right person. And trust that in the long run, your efforts will lead to your own personal happy ending.