#the thing is i feel a bit like maybe im subconsciously sabotaging myself here......

[witchwhaat]

questioning my choices💀

[txicgf]

oh my GOD i don't understand how i feel ever always. i want my stomach to calm down.

i don't know how i can self sabotage the possibility of a relationship with kath and not think about her for almost two months, and then the minute i let myself give her any attention it's like no time has changed. maybe i just like her because i like the possibility of someone paying attention to me, idk, honestly i hope that's the option. i hate how i feel so much and i don't want to through this again... i was such a piece of shit to her too before the trip . i rlly fuckin invited her, panicked and uninvited her because i liked her. who the fuck does that ????? and during that interaction i made her hard reject me - which, despite the initial sting, was exactly what i wanted to work on getting over her. i just feel like i was an asshole and looked like a desperate fuckin idiot making her say all that stuff. while sometimes i think she thinks im a bit slow, i hate sounding so incelly and shit.

i want to make up a billion reasons on why i like her that are all some deep psychological sad shit just so it isn't that i just want her. thinking about her is making me relisten to fucking IGOR and Breakup Shoes. . . i hate it. i hate how dumb i get and we hardly even fucking talk in the first place, and i feel like a dumbass the whole time im with her, i don't know why i keep trying to hold on - especially when i borderline begged her to reject me. and yet somehow she's back to being half of my thoughts and i hate this feeling and i refuse to repeat my mistakes of the past so these feelings are strictly here but. fuck man , i wish i was someone who could let go . im so non-committal and scared of attachment until it fucking happens and now i can't get rid of the shitty queasy anxious butterflies even at the drop of her name and i fucking hate it.

i wish i didn't fuck it up. part of me wants to get skinny and pretty and stop giving a shit about her because maybe then she'd like me but even then i know she's not the kind of person stuff like that matters to, it's why i liked her in the first place. out of everyone in this shitty, shitty fucking town, she is the realest person I've met. she's funny, and smart, and she isn't scared to say what she means - but at the same time she's kind to me and tries to spare my feelings because she doesn't want to hurt me bc im sensitive . :") she pisses me off sometimes and has a way of agreeing with my insecurities without even realizing and I'm pretty sure she thinks im a lot less capable than i am, but at least she's honest y'know? and i know she cares. and the way her and i talk, it makes me almost angry because it doesn't come as natural with anyone else. or at least i hope it still does, im scared we're ruined for good now to be honest. she's someone i would commit murder just to sit somewhere and talk with for a couple million years, and i know even at the end of those couple million, i wouldn't be bored. when we're in the same space, the world feels lighter,, just being around her makes me so happy. im definitely a little bit in love with her but i just want her in my life, i want her to be my friend. god knows that if she even actually liked me back again i'd fuck it up and self sabotage hard, part of me doesn't even want her to like me back. it's easier to deal in peace than deal in front of her . i just wish i could stop thinking about bubblegum pink hair and dinosaurs and glasses and art supplies and goherping and the stingray plush she gave me :/

it's all so much and im just trying to make it less than it feels like. i know im probably just thinking about it too hard and once i stop thinking about it so much i'll be fine maybe, and hopefully it's just me being excited because im a shitty person and subconsciously talking to katherine means the possibility of a relationship and im lonely or something, and im using the idea of her to cope or not think about other things, just like i did with ange. i just don't want to actually like her :/ i just got through the bullshit feelings w/ ange that lasted three fucking years and a billion million fights, i don't want to put katherine through that . "that" being the burden of being loved by yours truly.

[orgasmicstrawberries]

1:49 am

maybe i feel out of it lately because everything is about to change. im afraid of the future and whats coming and it makes me constantly nostalgic of like 2012 and it makes me want to go back just for a second, when things were good back then, before everything went bad. i knew id make it here one day, this just isnt how i pictured it and it’s kind of hard for me to deal with that in some weird way. part of me didnt think id make it, so that part of me feels even more isolated because it doesnt even know what it’s doing or where it’s going from here.

i feel like i know what will help bring me back to reality but unfortunately they are out of reach, as now it seems they will always just somebody i used to know, as much as i don’t want it to be. seeing it so close but so far away is one of the most frustrating feelings in the world and it makes me feel helpless. 

everything makes me feel helpless. there are so many people i want to know or people i have known that i want to know again that i won’t be able to be close to, since everybody is living their own lives. there are so many things i want to do that i will practically never be able to do with a stupid barely over minimum wage job. there are things i will never be able to learn because i don’t have enough time in my life, and i don’t even know how much time i have.

but throughout my 18 years of life, i feel like i have been through a shit ton, and although i have so much more to learn, i still feel accomplished because of the amount of suffering i have endured and what i learned from all of it. here are some things ive learned up to 18 years.

speak up. as somebody who is constantly anxious, i definitely have held my tongue in some situations because i was either too worried of what they would think of me, or i second guess myself. i learned that i have to trust myself, and trust is the key to my anxiety, whether it be trusting me or other people. i still have issues with this trust but im getting better.

continuing the last paragraph’s topic, trust. without trust, there is no foundation to anything. people seldom talk about how we should all trust ourselves, and i feel like it’s because it’s something that is so hard to do. how can you trust yourself when you don’t know who you are yet? how can you trust yourself when it feels like your mind and brain are working against you because of all of your mental issues? constant second guessing is something i struggle with everyday, but i’m continuing to progress on immediately following my gut in certain situations, and it’s fulfilling. i need to know what i want and go get it. sometimes i feel like i have subconscious trust issues because of shit that happened in my adolescence, because i used to trust myself. now i am too afraid of being wrong and too afraid of even slightly upsetting anybody; confrontation gives me anxiety and i fucking hate it. i just need to trust myself.

acknowledge it. even if it doesnt seem important in the moment, it may be in the long run. ESPECIALLY if it is something that bothers you, as it will fester and make you sad and anxious over something that may be much smaller in real life than in your head.��

accept relapses. recovery doesnt have a timeline; i still ache over things that happened in 2014 sometimes, and thats okay. it happened. things are bigger and better now, but that doesnt mean im not allowed to feel sad. pay attention to your own patterns, notice when things aren’t going as well as usual. self-care is something that should be paid more attention to by all humans. when things get bad, try to focus on the good that happened beforehand and how things will be better. baby steps help: cant get out of bed? take a short walk. crying your eyes out? watch movies at a friends house. it’s okay to struggle. what’s not okay is to not try.

recognize toxic thought processes. half of the bullshit i would try to wrap my head around would be ideas that i made up in my head. i felt like i was genuinely losing my sanity and i was so stuck in my own head that i couldn’t even distinguish it from reality, and i think that is the worst psychological experience i have ever gone through. i felt like i wasn’t even in my body and i was just this shell that walked around doing ‘isa’ things. it felt wrong and i felt like i didn’t belong on this planet. the smallest things would be twisted into these massive issues, and i unintentionally hurt people because i couldn’t navigate any of my thoughts and feelings. i still think about this experience quite often and hurt quite a bit, and i’m still trying to come to terms to the facts. it’s a strange and difficult feeling to have to convince yourself of facts, and the whole process is exhausting and frustrating. if it’s fucking true, then why do i have a million reasons in my head as to why it wouldn’t be? a million invalid reasons. it’s almost as if my brain tries to prove anything that makes me happy wrong, as if it’s trying to sabotage me. it’s incredibly hard to push those thoughts back. but it has to be done.

write. even if you don’t know what to write about, write about something. i write in a journal and nobody even uses tumblr anymore so nobody’s gonna fuckin see what i post here, so i thought typing it out would be faster and less painless (literally, my hand) for me. i guess i’ll use tumblr the way it really is supposed to be used, as a BLOG. huh? just find what works for you. 

i know nobody is going to read this, but it helped me lay out my thoughts a little bit because they’ve been all over the place lately and it will be nice to look back at this post if things ever get bad again. thanks tumblr